Stopping Drinking Is Not the Same as Getting Sober — a High Bottom Still Needs the Steps – Patty P.

Hello, everybody. Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Julie, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our own stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on a bluechipspeaker.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them, too. I must have this thing. Tonight, I have the pleasure of introducing our speaker. I've been in meetings with Patty for, I don't know, years. I don't know. We've been seeing each other in the rooms, and I'm looking very forward to hearing what she has to say in her story, because I admire her program a lot. So I give you Patty. Hey, guys. I'm Patty. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is December 14, 1997. And my home group is here at NABBA, the Bridge Builders, the 11 during the week and 1130 on the weekends. I'm nervous. I'm not a circuit speaker. And this is my big fear, y'all. I'm a high-bottom drunk, I think. And for many years, I wished I had, like, car crashes and, you know, prison breaks and all the things that I thought would justify or glorify my story. As the years have gone by and I've gotten better in AA, I've realized that my story's enough. It's what I've got. And so I'm going to share that a little bit with you today. I was born feeling weird. My first memory was thinking that I must definitely be adopted and perhaps like a mutant, like an alien. I know. Never, ever was comfortable in my own skin, ever, from the time I can remember. And I was a comparer from, I remember my sister was born when I was two and a half. And I, she was pretty and cute and sweet and had dimples. And I knew then that I was second best. And that's how I felt in my family for a long time. And that feeling of being odd and not belonging lasted into elementary school, into middle school. And I had a weird thing. I was a chameleon. So if you were Latina and salsa, that's what I did. If you were a jock and I wanted to be your friend, I was a jock. I was the chameleon. And one of the things I did a lot. When I was a little kid, I accepted dares. That was the thing that people would go, I'd do you to climb the flagpole in front of the elementary school. And I, you know, but I was a poor kid and half the time I didn't have underwear on, you know, but I was climbing the flagpole and whatever anybody dared me to do, I would do. And then that few moments of glory could sustain me for a little bit. And I got, I was in a lot of trouble in school. I was, you know, I was born in 59, so we got paddled. And when we did things wrong. And so I can still remember the whistle of that paddle. But it was worth it every time for those few minutes of feeling okay and feeling right in my skin. I guess I was five or six when I started. Being administered alcohol. I never slept. I was afraid of the dark. I was an anxious kid. And so my mother discovered that if she gave me a shot or two of NyQuil at night, that's 33% alcohol that I could sleep. And as far as I can remember, I used NyQuil until I really started drinking. And I just, and it happened. It helped take the edge off. It helped the thoughts in my head and to quiet them. And that was really the only alcohol that I had for a while when I was a little kid. The second thing I discovered in school was, I don't know if you guys ever did this, where you huff, huff, huff and somebody cuts off your air supply behind you and you pass out. And I would do that over and over and over. And I would do that over and over again because it worked. You got a buzz and you spun out and you passed out. And I would be much smarter, I think, if I hadn't done that so many times. But the feeling not part of and feeling not quite in the group continued. My parents were both alcoholics. There was a lot of violence in my home. And it wasn't cool to invite people over at all because you didn't know when things would get thrown or my mother would get thrown or it would be bad. And besides, my father thought children should be quiet and non-disruptive and just don't bother me. Give me my martini and don't bother me. So my... I started using just different things from anywhere from like 12. You know, my early teens, I drank some, smoked quite a bit of pot, whatever was around. I hadn't... I knew I didn't want to be like my mom. My mom didn't drink until she was 36 years old and then was a falling down, passing out every night drunk. And... And... And... And... In like two years. It was the weirdest thing. And I know now that women's alcoholism progresses much more quickly than men's. So I knew I didn't want to be like her. So I kind of skirted on the edge of using kind of weird little drugs. Things that weren't necessarily labeled as drugs but could still get you high. And, you know, more brain cells. Just because there was glue. You know, some tacky stuff that I used. But it changed the way I felt. But I still wasn't like my parents. I still wasn't drinking alcohol. And I did that kind of crazy. I was a high school dropout. I was out of school more than in school. And that was the crowd. Like I felt more comfortable. You know, here they're like, stay with the winners. Well, that wasn't my plan. You know, I wanted to be with people who didn't go to school. Had things that changed the way you felt. Were good looking cars. You know, all the stuff you need to get through a day. Sigs. The whole bit. And that's who I hung out with. So my behavior was never a problem with them. My mother was so shit-faced all the time. That she didn't notice. And my dad. Was out of the picture. So fast forward. You know, did those things for a while. I started drinking more when I was about 17 or 18. But I did control it some. I'm not quite sure how I did that. But I would do the. I think because I hadn't crossed over to that. To the oblivion. So. I did drink some. And I got drunk some. But it. It wasn't. It didn't change me. I didn't think this is the answer for a little bit. And I was. It was in the late 70s. And I was hanging out with the dude that was going to be my husband. And our first date he passed out. And I was like. I love him. You know. He's so cute with his mouth open. And his beer hanging there. You know. But that. And. And so I surrounded myself with people who drank like that. So I was like a lightweight. And I was. We were going backpacking through Europe. I guess I was 18 or 19. And I was committed to being able to drink as much beer as I could when I got to the hop roll house. So my drinking best friend at the time, Patty, also said, let's go to this bar. There's 65 cent Budweiser's. And you can drink till you die. And I'm like, OK, let's do it. And it was something. That was the day that I fell in love with alcohol. I drank and I drank and I drank and I drank. And all of a sudden. I mean, it was just like people say. Like, la la. Like the clouds opened. I felt comfortable for the first time in my entire life. I felt like I could do this. I could be with everybody else. I could assimilate. I could assimilate into society. And it was wonderful. And I like I love my friend. Like, I love you. You know how we do. I love you so much. You know, you've opened this world of. And that was it. After that. I never stopped. I never stopped loving alcohol. I never went a day without alcohol. I didn't. I didn't always drink huge amounts of alcohol. But I was. I kept up my, you know, my blood levels. And in the meantime, I got married. Wasn't sure why. Like, I laughed through our ceremony. But I didn't really know how to get out of it. So I just kind of went with it. And he was a nice guy. He was a nice guy. He drank. He was a binge drinker. And I never understood binge drinkers. You know, and then. And so he would drink, drink, drink, drink. And then be an asshole. Just be mean, mean, mean, mean. And then I'm like, please have a drink. And be like me. Like, I don't want to be drinking by myself. I need somebody to make this okay. And that. My drinking career. Went on full speed. For probably 10 or 11 years. After that. I drank alcoholically. I did get. I did get a few things done. I went to nursing school. And it was no problem when I drank. Studying was easy. I had parties. I had friends. You know, they would always ask me. Why do you do what you do? Why can't you stop? Why do you get to this point? And I could never explain why. I just knew that. That's just what I did. And, you know. So, I mean. I remember literally. Trying to walk normal. Talk normal. To fake people out. And then at a certain point. You can't do that anymore. You're just drunk. Out of your mind. So, during this time. I enjoyed drinking. I had a lot of parties. I went out. I loved to drink at bars. And I did a lot of other things too. I did chemicals to help me drink more. To help me stay up longer. To drink more. And got pretty involved. In that. In that lifestyle. I was in a lot of really dangerous places. And with dangerous people. But if they had what I needed. To get through the day. They were my best friends. And I loved them. So, one of the things that stands out for me. During that time of drinking. Is I was a terrible wife. I was one of those. You know. Every time I drank. My panties fall off types. And I was married. But I would. I would. I would fool around. With a lot of men. While I was married. And I always gave myself permission. To do it. Because I didn't actually have sexual intercourse. I did other things. But I did not. So, I didn't feel like I was unfaithful. And. And now. Like when I did my steps. And I think about now. I'm just consumed. Sometimes. Even now. With the shame. Of some of the things I've done. And I don't do that sober. And what I've realized is. Alcohol not only gave me the ease and comfort I needed. But it also completely removed any core. I don't even know if I really had morals. I don't even know if I had core morals. But I had good manners. My mother did teach us good manners. And we. And good manners can slide you through a lot of. You can fake out a lot of people with good manners. You can fake out a lot of people with good manners. You can fake out a lot of people with good manners. You can fake out a lot of people with good manners. But. Anyway. I wasn't a particularly good wife. And. But I was scared to be alone. And I stayed married to this guy for a long time. Like 14 years. But I drank the whole time. And finally. We were trying to get pregnant. Which was such a joke. Because I was drunk every single night. Out of my mind. I'd stopped doing. The harder drugs. Because I could. I was one of those people. If I had alcohol. I could give up other stuff. Some people can't. Some people. The other stuff takes them down. But for me. As long as I knew. My best friend. My most favorite. Alcohol was there. I could give up other stuff. And. Anyway. I was trying to get pregnant. And every night. I would look in the mirror. And kind of look at this bleary eyed. Person. And I remembered that look. My mother used to look at me like that all the time. I remember one time. I hit a dog. And I was like heartbroken. And he was taking. I was like 16. And I got home. And mom. Mom. She was home for a change. And she was so out of her mind. And I swore in that moment. Like I would never do that to a kid. I would never ever be unavailable. Because I was drunk. And. So I stopped drinking in 1988. I stopped doing the other stuff in 86. So I tried to stop drinking in 88. And. I can say that for me. What's different for me. Than some people may have had a lower bottom. Is I was able to stop drinking. But I was not able to stop drinking successfully. As soon as I stopped drinking. I was completely. I had. Mental illness. Of just this huge. I mean I was. A nut. I moved to Colorado with my husband. And began having flashbacks. Of sexual abuse with my father. That I. I drank from the time I was five on. And once the alcohol was stopped. It. All the yucky stuff. That I've been tamping down. With alcohol started coming up. And. And when I moved to Colorado. I went to one of those. Experiment. Experiential therapists. And they made you relive everything. Over and over again. So I was. Insane. Within two years. I would completely. I had. They diagnosed me with. What's called a dissociative disorder. Which just means you check out. You become somebody else. And it. And I realized that. The pain was too great. But I didn't know it. I didn't know. That AA. Would have helped me. I just didn't know. My. My cousin Lisa. Got into AA. In 86. Right when I quit doing hard drugs. And she. That was great for her. I mean. We used to party. And get shit faced. And I was a little bummed. You know. That she stopped drinking. But. It was okay. But I. I think what. People. Can't prepare you for. And everybody in here. That's in. Early sobriety. Knows. Is. How. Your complete. Emotional. Balance. Is off. Once you take the alcohol away. That even. Walking. Talking. Doing everything. Is. Is new. And hard. Without. A drink. And that. I did not. Get into AA. I. I was still living with somebody. Who was actively drinking. And drugging. Most of my friends. Drank. And. I was kind of ashamed. That I didn't drink. And once. The mental illness. Stuff started. Or the. I guess it was dry drunk. I mean. Just severe dry drunk. Then I could kind of plug into. The psychiatric world. And then that was. How. I. Kept going. Not drinking. Because they gave me some really. Really good drugs. And. Some hard. Core. Psychotropic drugs. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. For years. Was a zombie. And it was funny. Because I was given these drugs. By an addictionologist. Because. I said. Yeah. I used to have this drinking problem. I don't really have it anymore. So. They sent me to an addictionologist. And. And this went on. And on. And on. And I was very medicated. And I was on lots of benzos. And. Some. Anti-psychotic. Medications. For really. And just. You know. One of the reasons. of the reasons I get nervous about telling my story is it's almost I'm almost afraid I'll go back there that was really painful and really a hard time um and I went to a therapist um I drank again a little bit too in there um not much but just a tad now and then and um and finally I was seeing this therapist and then I think 1993 or something he said I'm not going to work with you unless you go to AA so I would go to one meeting a week at Triangle and maybe get a date or something and then that that was pretty much my program and then and I didn't get better and I thought that I was more and more mentally ill I was in and out of you know every mental hospital in that area Atlanta and for long stays um I would get in there and they would keep me but they would give me more and more drugs and and not realizing that it was exactly what I didn't need um and I know there are people that definitely need to stay on psychotropic meds just to be in the world and that's you know they're medically prescribed and they're they're getting the right treatment I wasn't getting the right treatment um finally in 1997 I took my last drink and um I started working a program a little bit I got a sponsor she was more uh in a chick but she took me through the steps um and and I got a little bit better I got better and um in 1997 and then I but I was still kind of doing this lots of therapy lots of drugs um psychotropic drugs and then I met this dude in an AA meeting 1999 and you know we met in AA he said he had he'd been coming around for 10 years I'm like yeah 10 years oh you're my guru it was really like 10 months but I got it mixed up so and then the truth came out it was really like two months but but what was great about this guy is he got me going to AA meetings and I know all of you have been in love lust where you would do anything to be around that person so I went to AA meetings and seven days a week sometimes you know twice a day whatever he did I did and um and I did pretty good I was moving along in AA I felt like I was starting to belong some of that weird weirdness of not feeling like I belonged in the world was going away but what really got me deep in my program is he relapsed in 2003 and as a result because he was so much worse than me I went to Al-Anon to get him sober and um and I met a wonderful wonderful Al-Anon um I got a wonderful Al-Anon sponsor who first time ever really somebody spent like two hours with me I didn't pay her I didn't give her gas money I think she may have bought my burrito it was I thought people really do this because I hadn't experienced that in AA I've kind of yeah I'll catch you you know um so that that in 2003 my program completely changed my Al-Anon sponsor said I'm not going to work with you unless you get a serious AA sponsor and work the steps and that's your primary purpose like you can't hide out here in Al-Anon anymore um I did get um an AA sponsor Stella I met her in this room and she took me through the steps and she was involved in this um women's uh recovery group that I I fell love with, a lot of really, really good recovery, and I became enmeshed in AA. You know, my guy wasn't, he got sober too, but what I think the difference was then, I was still obsessed with his recovery, but I slowly started turning it over to my recovery, and so that was in 2003, and, you know, I have to say, you know, working the steps, I wasn't one of those, I got, like, I've sponsored some really wonderful people, and they're like, yeah, the God thing's okay, like, I can do that. That wasn't me. I was the sponsee that argued and debated, and I didn't feel the God thing. I, like, when I first did step two, came to believe, I'm like, eh, I believe you believe, I believe in the power of AA, because I see it working, but it took me working the steps a couple times, and it took me being in here, seeing myself recover, and seeing other people recover that made me start entertaining the idea that there really was God, there really was a higher power that could help me and restore me to sanity. Um, what's it like now? Um, it was, I, I, I'm sorry, I don't remember a lot. Um, what I can say, though, is all that psychiatric stuff, I still see a therapist, I still get outside help. I'm not on benzodiazepines and really, um, mood, I'm not on any mood-altering drugs at all. I don't take things to calm me down. I don't take things to calm me down. I don't take things to pick me up. I don't, I mean, I'm clean and sober. Um, and that, that took a long time in sobriety, is to be weaned off some of those really heavy drugs, but I did it with a doctor's help, and I did it within the confines of the program, and I didn't control it myself. That used to be my trick. I would get, they would prescribe me stuff, and I would re-prescribe. So, you know, two work, four will work better, you know how we do. So, um, as I continued to work the program, and I'm in a relationship with an alcoholic. We live together in the same house, and we've, we've had some really big ups and downs. We've, it's been a tumultuous relationship, but the one constant has been AA. I mean, we both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both love AA. We both have watched it transform our lives, and the lives of people we love, and this is my deal now. Um, I would say most of my dearest friends, many of them are here, um, are NAA or, or, or Al-Anon or some other recovery NAA or something, that I have friends that I know I could call, and they would be there. And one minute, if they could be there. I know people have my back. They take care of us. They, um, it's a friendship I never had, ever. And, you know, one of the things, another one of the things that's different now is I'm anxious tonight. I'm not, I'm a little bit of an introvert. Um, but I'm not, like, pulsating. You know, I pulsated my whole life. I was a trembler. I, and I despise that about myself. Um, and, and working the steps, I was able to have a little mercy for myself and others. And that, that was such a miracle for me to not look in the mirror and say, I hate you. You're a piece of shit. How, how does, you know, if there is a God, why aren't you struck down? All the stuff we feel when we're in the moment. Um, I have worked the steps. I've, you know, changed sponsors and have a wonderful sponsor right now who has a sponsor. And we've done step work together as well. Um, a little bit of what it's like now is I have a job that, um, I've had for almost the whole time I've been sober. And I'm good at it. I show up. I don't call, like, I've never talked to anybody. I've, I've never called in sick. Isn't that weird? Yeah. So, um, I'm just, that still shocks me. Um, and, and I've done some things, spiritual things to, to develop my God, my understanding. I'm, I'm, I'm not real organized with it. I take a little bit of time to get the smorgasbord. But I know now, um, I read in a book recently, it's the, the lute. It's the luminous web that holds us all together and makes everything okay. And that's, that's kind of where I've gotten with God and this beautiful luminous web that's allowed, um, me to have my experience and, um, and get sober and live a better life, uh, in sobriety. I, um, I do sponsor people. And my 12-step work as I develop, my, I had a spiritual awakening, has been, um, I'm humbled by it. And, um, I've, you know, I, I used to sponsor a lot of people in treatment centers. And a couple actually stayed sober and that was cool. And right now, um, I'm working with three ladies that, um, I adore. I absolutely adore. And watching them get better has been the biggest gift ever to see. That I'm so scared. I don't know if I could not have a drink tonight to, I didn't drink last night. And I'm on my way to a meeting. Just that little shift, um, has been a miracle and, um, and, and kept me sober. I mean, I've had a couple times where I'm like, eh, this is really hard. And, um, you know, I've, um, my mother died in sobriety of head and neck cancer. You know, I've had, best friends die in sobriety. Um, you know, like I saw in a lot of, I've lost people in recovery too that went out and didn't make it back. Um, and right now, um, my, um, what time is it? No, I can't really, okay, I'm good. I'm good. Um, my, the guy I've been living with for 15 years, my recovery partner, Sparrer sometimes, um, most beloved, uh, he was diagnosed in September with head and neck cancer, stage four. And my mom died of the same cancer. And when he was first diagnosed, I was like, oh shit. Like, it was almost like I was time warped back to when my mother died. And it's a particularly brutal cancer. And it, um, it, it's fairly rare. It doesn't have a lot of good statistics. If it's caught early, it's curable. But, um, when we found out that he had it, he was already stage four and metastasized to his lungs. Um, and they told us the first doctor's appointment, you have six months, maybe six, maybe five or six months. If you treat, you have 11. If you do treatment, you know, and he, at the same meeting, the doctor told us about, you know, he said, you know, he told us about, you know, this rare dude that had the exact same picture and did treatment with this doctor and lived four and a half years. So that's what we heard, you know, maybe we can get four and a half years. Um, and so he started treatment and, you know, we were reminded again last week and Terry was there with us that, you know, this, his cancers receded a little bit. And that may be the best we get, just keeping it at bay for as long as we have. Um, and it's so heartbreaking. Um, and I had to look back at one of the things I did when my mom was sick. She was, she stopped drinking 10 years before she died. She never went to AA. It just wasn't for her. But, um, she did have a spiritual awakening though. She had her own God and she did, but I made her into a Saint. You know, she was, my mother's name was Joey and she was an FSU cheerleader and she was bubbly and she was amazing. Um, but the good thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is nobody's a Saint and I know it now. And so I think my goal is, um, to love and support him as best I can. To make, to remember that, I want to, to, to love him as best as I can. And if I had a world, like if I had a world that I could, that my sobriety has to come first. If I'm not sober, I'm not going to be of service to him. And that it's a day at a time deal. And, you know, I've watched people in this room go through cancer and some people survive and some people don't. And all I know is what's been told to me by my sponsors is be the best. We got married after shacking up for 15 years. It was so fun. We're like, why didn't we do this sooner? And you know why? Because we're alcoholics and we didn't want anybody telling us what to do and we didn't want to be like the man and we, you know, whatever. But we're married now and I'm so glad and so is he. But that's where I'm at right now. I know that whatever happens, I'm going to be carried. I'm going to be carried by my higher power. I'm going to be carried by you guys. He's going to be carried. You know, he's not here tonight. He had a Brooks Bay house tonight, which he has every Monday night for the last like 10 years. And occasionally I get to be the honoree female in there. Usually when they do the chapter of the wives and that's so insulting to me. I'm like, I hate that chapter. So anyway, for those of you that are new this hang in there. Just know that if you feel crazy and you're new, if you feel like you can't do this, you're just where you're supposed to be. It's okay to be crazy. Just don't drink no matter what, you know, and in my stories different because I didn't drink, but I was doing and you know, I was drugging and I was cutting and I was doing some weird stuff. I wasn't sober and only when I actually got sober, took all the chemicals away and and work the steps. Did I get better? Like I thought I was unable. I would never be better. I would never be normal. I'd always be a crazy ass chip and and that's not true. You know today. I'm a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous and and Al-Anon and I hope I'm a good friend and a good, you know, you know, whatever. I thank you guys for listening. My time is up. I think so. That's what I got. Thanks. That was fantastic. I'm glad I feel like I know you a little bit better now after all these years in the rooms together.