Step 4 Without Step 3 Is Just an Intellectual Exercise — the Inventory Only Works When Higher Power Holds the Flashlight – Russell S.

Hi everybody, my name is Russell S.. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the Carl Gables Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven't done necessarily take a drink since January 17th, 1981. And I'm grateful to be here. And I want to congratulate all the celebrants, all the birthday boys and girls, Paula and Brian and Jason. I know I'm leaving a couple of people out. And Wendy, Wendy, of course, Wendy. Who else? Andy. You know, and that's fantastic. I was called today. It's great to see all you guys here. You know, I figured there'd be two guys here, you know, with the tropical storm and all. So I was called. One of the guys that drives up with me said, Are we going to go tonight? You know, because it's like raining or something. And I was, you know, I thought back to when I, I called up my sponsor one day when I had two, three weeks, five weeks, whatever it is, you know, my thing. And I was sober, but I was thinking. And we're going to talk about that. We're going to talk about, we're going to talk about alcoholic thinking tonight. We're on the fourth step. And I was, I want to thank also Stevie B, who I know is here, who did a great job. You know, I'll talk a little bit about the trip. But I remember I called my sponsor. I had some idea that I had figured out after about three or four weeks sober, I had been thinking. You know, it says, it says there's the A, B's and C's. You know, you know what the problem with the program is? It's too damn simple. It can't possibly mean what it means. You know what the words say. You know, you got an A, B and C. A, that we're alcoholic and we can't manage our own lives. Have you ever tried to figure out what that means? Because if you had, you're going to come to the wrong conclusion. Here's what it means. You can't manage your own life. Leave the management of your life up to somebody else. Okay? Go ahead and manage somebody else's life. You know, and be, no human power can relieve your alcoholism. No, no, no human power can, that means that she ain't going to help you. He ain't going to help you. Nobody, it ain't going to be, only God could and would if he was sought. That's it. It says being convinced of that. Being convinced. You know, I'm like, I've got almost 30 years now. I'm almost, I'm almost convinced. I mean, we say the words at every meeting. We nod. We say, of course, of course. We're not really convinced. Because then right after we say the words, we go out and try to manage our lives. We look for him, her, or it, or it, or whatever it is that's going to do. Whatever health, P-E-L-F, is going to come into our life. Whatever things we're going to get into our life in order to make everything okay. We do everything and at the last instance, when it all falls to crap, we're thinking, well, maybe that God thing is correct. You know? It's pretty much that, you know? Cannot manage your own life. So I was, I was sitting around trying to, I had three or four weeks and I wasn't drinking. So what did I try to do? I tried to do what you guys try to do. I tried to do what you guys try to do. I tried to do what you guys try to do. I tried to do what you guys try to do. I tried to do what you guys try to do. I tried to do what you guys try to I started thinking about myself. You ever do that? And I was thinking about myself, and I started thinking about my life, and I had a gentleman come up to me, a guy I sponsor, I'm not going to mention his name, who's doing great. He's really doing great, in my opinion. And he's doing so well, he was trying to figure out a way how not to do so well. He said, you're thinking too much, you know? Doing great. But I was thinking about my life, what was going on, I was surveying it, and I had decided, I was worried about balance. When I was sitting in the bars, starting off drinking at 4 o'clock in the afternoon and getting home at 4 o'clock in the morning, drink from 4 o'clock in the afternoon, 4 o'clock in the morning, what's that, 12 hours? That's one night in a bar, and I did that a couple of nights a week. It was easy for me. Then I come day A, and maybe I go to five meetings a week, and I'm worried about I'm doing too much. I should never be out of these rooms. But, you know, the only time I've ever had true balance in A and feeling good is when I'm going to a lot of meetings. So I come day A, and the first thing I try to do is figure out how not to go to too many meetings, because I might lose balance or perspective or whatever it is. Because God knows the world of clamors and all that stuff that's going on out there has really helped me out in the past. It makes me feel good about myself and other people. But I remember going to my sponsor, and I told him, that's what a good sponsor will do for you. He'll warp your brain enough so that you'll think he's crazy initially, and that's what we're going to talk about, too, when we talk about thinking. The thing about a sponsor who's been around for a while, who's imbued with this program, is they think differently. They do. They think differently. You know, you ever heard... I know I sort of sometimes talk with... What would be the word? I talk sort of... I don't want to say down, but I sort of talk with, critically, people who say I'm spiritual, I'm not religious, and all that sort of stuff. But this is on a different tack. We are spiritual. We do strive to be. The point is, we try to grow along spiritual lines. But you ever think about what that means? To talk about... You know, I looked up the word... When I was early on, trying to look up the word, trying to figure out, what does that mean? Spiritual, material. And when I looked up the word spiritual, this is what it said. It says... You ready for this one? Because I had to look it up. Spiritual. That which is not material. That which is not material. Now, you want to try to figure out what material things are? So, if you're spiritual, if you're truly spiritual, what you're focused on is that which is not material. Now, I suggest to you that if you're an alcoholic like I was, about 98% of your thinking is about material stuff. And the 2% that isn't about material stuff, you're lying about. You know, I mean, it's all... Right? Isn't that the problem? We say, I'm spiritual. I'm spiritual. And yet, in order to be spiritual, you have to be... You have to be focused on things that are not material. And, you know, in the big book about... In the 12 and 12, you know what they say about material things? They lump... By the way, they lump romantic relationships into material things. They treat it like material things. Just like a car, or, you know, a new dress, or something like that. So, you start thinking, just sort of start pondering how much of your thought life on a daily basis has to do with things and people and romantic relationships and stuff like that. And how much is truly spiritual. And I've got to be honest with you. I've got to be honest with you. Even with almost 30 years. Okay? Even with almost 30 years. And I think a lot more about God and my understanding. And about... And you know what helps me? I go to Bible study. I hang around with people that are always... If you hang around... You are what you hang around with. I'm sorry. You know, if you hang around with people who are talking about stuff, you're going to be thinking and talking about stuff. You know, if you're watching stuff, you are what you... What you ingest and what you look at. And so I... What I do is I... I either purposely or maybe because this is just the way I am, I'm hanging around with people who are thinking about and getting into stuff that I want to think about and get into the stuff. And I've got to do that because I've got one of them alcoholic minds I'm liable to go anywhere with it. And so I've got to put people in my life that are going to help me get to where I have to go because the only way I think within kind of discerning nature so that I can see what's really going on clearly, see the world clearly and not make mistakes is if I do it on a spiritual basis. So the point is it's easy to have bumper stickers sobriety and say things like first things first. So anybody know where first things first came from? First things first came from the Bible. Most of the stuff in there comes from the Bible. It says, seek ye first the kingdom of God and all things will be added to you. Dr. Bob coined the term first things first. So it's easy to say things like live and let live and first things first and all these sort of bumper sticker things. But when somebody asks you, well, what does that mean to be spiritual? What does that mean to live a spiritual life? You know? Then it starts getting to a whole other area. You know, you sort of got to look for people who are doing that deal. You know? And so in any event, I remember when I was about, and you know, the other problem with alcoholics is this obsession and this thinking that we have that we're always right and we're brilliant. You know, that we just know more than anybody else and everybody else is stupid. And you know, that's, you know, you ever notice if you have a real, if you have a sponsor or somebody you admire in AA, they'll sometimes say stuff that is not true. It's stupid. You ever notice how stupid old-timers are? I must be stupid because guys are looking at me like I'm an idiot saying, you don't understand. I say, no, you really shouldn't go out with that gal who's a heroin addict, you know, and killed her last five husbands. You don't understand. You know what I mean? So one of us is crazy. I don't know which one. So I said to my sponsor, I was about three weeks sober. It's actually all getting to a point. I had figured out because I was trying to make sure I managed my life, you understand, in such a way so that I would be perfect, you know. My sponsor said, don't get too well by Thursday. I was trying to manage my life so I would be okay. You ever try to manage your life so you'll be okay? How does that work out for you? And, I mean, I figure I came to AA when I was 31 years old. If you can't figure out how to be okay by the time you're 31, you might as well just give it up. But in any event, so I figured out, mathematically, somehow I figured out that I didn't have to go to AA meetings on Thursdays. It had nothing to do with the weather. We didn't even have the weather. I just figured out I didn't have to go on Thursdays. So I explained to my sponsor, and unfortunately for me, I couldn't find anybody as brilliant as me in Outbox Anonymous so I had to settle for, like, a non-college graduate, you know, used car salesman type, you know, guy. You know, and so I, that's the guy I talk about who I used to, I showed him all my degrees on the wall and he said, Russell Rectal Thermometers have degrees and you know what they do with those. He had no respect for me. None of my sponsors had any respect for me. I was abused. I was, which is probably why I abused the guys I sponsor and Brian's the product of an abusive sponsor and look what he's done to him. And so I said, I said, I don't think I have to go to meetings on Thursdays and he said, he said, you know, Russ, he says, well, he says, as long as you didn't drink on Thursdays, you don't have to go, any day you didn't drink, like if it's Christmas, if you didn't drink on Christmas, you know, as long as, as long as it's a day you didn't drink on, then you don't have to go, but of course, I drank every day. There was no, there was no vacation from booze. You understand what I'm saying? So, so when the guy called me up today, you see, I automatically flipped off. See, that's the problem. I looked at him like it was crazy. 30 years later, I'm talking like him. I'm thinking like him and I'm sober because I became him and it all makes sense to me now. It didn't make sense then. Just like the day before you got sober. Think about this. Most of you guys came in not when you were like 10 years old. Most of you guys had a lot of time behind you. You know, I mean, you had, you had a lot of time. You had a lot of street knowledge behind you. Some of you came in at 20 years old, some at 30, some at 40, some at 50. The week before you came in, the month before you came in, the best you got to your life with all the crap that you know about yourself, every bad break or misunderstanding, everything that happened to you, like a week before you came in, your thought was something like this. I think. I may be wrong. I can't even think of a life without drinking. I can't even think of a life without drinking. You couldn't even comprehend a life without drinking. If somebody came up to you after your 18th DUI, your divorce or anything, and says, you know, maybe you ought to consider stop drinking. You'd say, what are you, crazy? I remember, it goes even farther than that. I remember sponsoring a guy in AA. He's passed away now. He had a problem with the gals. Some guys have problems with the gals. You know, you know, you know, you know, sometimes I'll meet a guy who's like an NAA-er. And he's got a problem in his, he's got a thing in his mind. He says, you know, he's got a drug problem, but he doesn't have an alcohol problem. He has a drug problem, but he doesn't have an alcohol problem. And people who have drug problems but don't have alcohol problems usually don't do well. And they say, I don't know. I mean, I'm not a big, I'm not a, you know, I've done dope, but I mean, I'm not an NAA and I'm not trying to usurp their deal. But my understanding after 30 years is people that are dope addicts who don't think they have an alcohol problem generally don't pick up a lot of chips in NAA. You know what I mean? I may be wrong about that. And the way they figure that out, the way the guys I sponsored who has crossed over to figure that out is after they drink enough and then go cop dope, they figure out something like, I must be an alcoholic because every time I drink, I'm copping dope. You understand what I'm saying? Well, this guy, every time he'd think of a woman, he'd start drinking. You understand? Like, he'd say girl and he'd be drinking. You could look at him and say, it's a girl. And he'd say, yes. And he'd start drinking. Sure, you guys are laughing. You don't know what it's like. I know some of you guys. So I suggested to him, get this, I suggested, and he was, he was 11 years sober when I suggested this to him. I said, Joe, his name wasn't Joe. I said, and I'm trying to point out some alcohol thinking of people even in NAA. I want to tell you how bad it is. I said, Joe, I suggested that, I said, Joe, you know, you might want to consider going once a week to a men's group, you know, where there's like no gals there to impress or anything like that. Go to a men's group to a men's meeting. And he looked at me without missing a beat and says, oh, now you want me to give up sex. That's the best his mind could do. He knew where I was going. He was protecting his turf. You know what I mean? He wasn't going to go in that direction. You know, you know, when you're dealing, this guy was a lawyer. You know, this guy had degrees. So when you're dealing with a thinking pattern that works like that, where you're hair trigger ready to destroy yourself. What did Carmen Inger said in his book Man Against Himself, which was published right before the outparks and on his book was published, it said, under outparks, it says, outparks of men and women who are out to destroy themselves. Well, you know that. You know what you did in your life. Your best thinking on your best thinking got you in here. You know what your best thinking got you to. You can look at TV and watch the Britney Spears and everybody all over and you can see what they're doing. They're spinning out of control. Everybody's watching it. Everybody knows except them. Their alcohol life seems the only normal one. They are self-willed when riot, though they usually don't think so. Totally blinded. It doesn't matter if they're talented or they're making money. Just totally insane. Totally out. That's the alcohol thinking. So I'm thinking, sober, three weeks in the program, serious about this thing. I don't have to go on Thursdays. And of course, my sponsor says, well, as long as you don't have to drink on Thursdays. Sure, it's a little sarcastic, but sometimes sarcasm works with alcoholics. So of course, as soon as that calls me up and says, you know, it's raining, you know, we go into the meeting and he says, well, I mean, did you ever drink when it was raining? Well, you know, so we're here. Right? So I guess that's why. But I want to applaud you guys. I wish you guys, I had a great time in California. I wish I could have brought all, I missed you guys. I really did. I missed you guys. I wish I could have brought you all there. We would have all gone to the 7 a.m. meeting. You know, that's like for us, 10 o'clock. It's like three hours. In Pacific Palisades, they got about 15 people there. We would have been a great crowd. And I have some good friends. You know, one of the great things is about being around for a while. You make friends all over the world. You know, so I have some great friends. I want Richie G who's out there and a great guy named Sean C who's down in Laguna and around that area. Met up with them, went to a lot of meetings and it was really good. And then after that, I came back and I went to, you ready for this? I went to an Al-Anon statewide convention with my wife. You know, a convention of our Ladies of the World of Perpetual Revenge. That was just, whoa. You know, my wife, she knows how to do an Al-Anon 10-step. When I'm wrong, she probably admits it. And Stevie B was there with his lovely wife, Sandy, and it was wonderful. We had a great experience. He did a meeting and some gal jumped all over him because he mentioned the word Bible. And she heard, you know, when I mentioned the guy, gal, when I said girl to that guy, he said, now you want to give up sex? He mentioned the word Bible somewhere in a meeting and she said, and she thought she saw a baptismal pool. Like he was coming at her. You know what I mean? I had a, it was, I tell you, you know, alcoholics are very touchy. They're very sensitive, you know. There was, I've got to tell you something, it was an incredible talk. A guy I know, a friend of mine, a nice guy named Palmer G did a great talk at the Al-Anon. You know, Bill Wilson said, after the booze, it's all about unhealthy dependencies. So I'll tell you, now I personally believe you can change and treat codependency. You better treat codependency in Alcoholics Anonymous or you're going to be like that guy when you come to see a girl you're going to be drinking. You're going to be one of these people that you're sober but you're always sucking, you're thumb sucking crybaby over some guy or some gal or some something. Your whole life is going to be basically held hostage to what, you know, whether Fred's in a bad mood. You know what I mean? You're not going to know the freedom. So you better deal with that stuff and that's the stuff you've got to deal with but that's what they deal with over in Al-Anon so it's good to be here but it's good to be back here and I want to talk a little bit about I want to read some things and talk about some things about Step 4 about the thinking. I was, there's something I want you to, there is one theme or what, you know, when you talk about, you see, I could sit here one of the things I could do I probably won't do this but I could do this and I have done this and there's nothing wrong with this I could tell you how to do Step 4. I could tell you how I did Step 4. I might do this if we have some time I might do that it'll take me all of five seconds. It takes me five, you know, maybe 15 seconds to tell you how to do it. Well, I could do it in five seconds. Read the book. How long does that take? Read the book. There's a chart. If you're a college graduate if you're extremely intelligent and you're trying to figure out how to do Step 4 there's a chart. There's a chart in the book if you look at it, you know. If you don't want it, you know, most of us we're going to keep used to have a line he'd say we deal with alcohol code here. When you say have you done your course stuff he'd say well I'm working on it that's alcohol code for leave me the hell alone. I ain't never going to do it. I remember going up to my sponsor and telling him I'm doing everything in AA and it's not working. I had like about 18 months and I said I'm doing everything everything and it's not working and he looked at me and you know thank God for sponsors because you know if you had like if you had not if you had like Allen honors or people didn't understand alcoholics they might listen to them and try to figure it out and think they were sane but the good thing about sponsors is they know they're talking to crazy people. You know so so I'm sitting there with my with my with my sponsor and I'm saying and I was not feeling well because when you stop doing the steps when you stop doing the steps you stop recovering because the disease is not about drinking alcohol. Drinking alcohol is what we do to get away from the disease when we're suffering from the disease and the recovery isn't working. We drink alcohol to solve that problem. So if you stop if you stop doing what you need to do in order to recover and you're in alcohol then you start thinking crazy and it's toxic thinking you start feeling bad and you just feel crummy so I was feeling crummy. I was feeling lousy. You know there's a time in AA where you need to feel lousy. I mean if you're only going to stay sober when you feel good what's the you think you really think you're going to have a life where you're always going to feel good like people are never going to die you're never going to get cancer you're never going to have a chance to check bounce I mean you're going to be sober as long as everything goes okay as long as there's no problems you know the traffic or something like that the economy or you know somebody else somebody loses the election let me tell you the only way you learn how to stay sober bored is to be bored when you're sober. The only way you learn how to stay sober when you're rejected is you have to have somebody reject you. The only way to stay sober when you're treated unfairly is to be treated unfairly while you're sober and if you're an alcoholic like me that has to happen about 2,000 times before you get the first inkling maybe there's something wrong with me maybe you know you know the only way to stay sober when you're broke even when you're broke and you're worried about being homeless the only way to do that is you've got to be broke I have I'm not even going to say who this is but it's not an A it's just somebody I know who was calling me up I'm not handling their case I'm not handling the divorce from another city and I know this person for years and years and I care about them young lady and she's 61 years old and she's lived the high life all her life you know whether you want to call it spoiled always taken care of by daddy by men by husband I mean big time you know high rolling and they're going through a divorce now and everything like that it looks like she's not going to have a divorce now believe me she's going to have money but she's not going to have the kind of money she is used to living on for 61 years you know I mean you know like you go from like $20,000 a month to $3,000 a month it's a big deal okay and you know I'm going to tell you something that's a tough thing you know how tough acceptance is even when you're in the program you know how tough it is at 61 years of age you know when your whole life you've been taken care of at a $20,000 level and all of a sudden you got somebody says well learn to live at $3,000 I mean there was no amount of talking there was nothing I could say to her there was nothing I could do with all my verbiosity and everything like that to make her even understand because she doesn't want to understand because it's not fair and it's not right and there's something wrong with the universe there's got to be something wrong because the way the universe is constructed she's always supposed to have at least $20,000 a month that's the way the universe is constructed and anybody who knows what's going on these days in the United States of America there's a lot of people in that jam join the club you know thank God for Alcohol Synonymous thank God that I've experienced all sorts of troubles and tribulations and health problems and financial problems and all sorts of stuff in Alcohol Synonymous while I was staying sober so stuff like that doesn't rock me but you've got to go through that stuff in order to get where you're going to go and you've got to sort of work that deal out with inventory steps and praying and all that sort of stuff so in any event I want to read The Guy in the Glass and then a couple of other things and there's actually one specific thing I want to talk about which you know it's like a little nuance but you know it's like one of these things it's one of these principles it's one of these whether you want to call it an insight I don't know whether it rises to the category of profound insight personally I think it does but it's one of these things that maybe sometime late tonight while you're in your bed you'll sort of think about what I said and what it meant and all of a sudden you'll start thinking about all sorts of things all sorts of weird things this is The Guy in the Glass you know I've read this before this is about the struggle for things for stuff you know Bill Wilson said you know he found God the whole book's about God he said he found God and then it was torn away you know by worldly clamors he's talking about stuff he's talking about material things he's talking about health when you get what you want and you struggle for health and the world makes you king for a day then go to the mirror and look at yourself and see what that guy has to say for it isn't your father or mother or wife whose judgment upon you must pass the fellow whose verdict counts most in your life is the guy staring back in the glass he's the fellow to please never mind all the rest for he's with you clear up to the end and you've passed your most dangerous difficult test if the guy in the glass is your friend you may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum and think you're a wonderful guy but the man in the glass says you're only a bum if you can't look him straight in the eye you can fool the whole world down the pathway of years and get pats on the back as you pass but your final reward will be heartache and tears if you've cheated the guy in the glass you don't want to cheat that guy you don't want to cheat you don't want to cheat yourself out of the incredible life the incredible life that's ahead of you you know one of the things that came out of one of my favorite quotes in the bible which is in the old and the new testament and basically it's all about the promises in AA when it talks about no eye has seen no ear has heard no mind has conceived what God has forbeared for those who love him let me tell you about the God thing and now if I'll say you know see I've got an obsession I've got a problem I'm going to share my problem with you I'm addicted to the God thing no matter what no matter what step I'm on I want to talk about the third step no matter what step I'm on I want to talk about the eleventh step no matter what step I'm on I want to talk about I figure out a way I want to talk about God it's a real problem I have I've been trying to figure out how to I can't I don't know what to do about it I'm like not locked into that deal now I haven't noticed any deleterious effects from it nothing that's like really bad that's happening you understand what I'm saying but I'm feeling really it's getting out of hand you understand what I'm saying but maybe it's not so out of hand because the big book says in the eleventh step that we're sort of trying to improve our concept that's supposed to get bigger and bigger we're supposed to get more and more involved in that deal so I happen to turn I turn to our literature to see how crazy I am because maybe I shouldn't think about God on Thursdays you know what I mean or talk about him in meetings or something like that and then I look at the big book and all of a sudden the big book says it says something like this I talk about well what am I supposed to talk about at meetings and it says here further on clear cut directions have been shown how we recovered these are followed by 43 personal experiences each individual in the personal stories described in his own language and from his own point of view the way he established his relationship with God and I'm screwed there it tells me that's what I'm supposed to talk about I look all through the book it says see to it your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass to you and countless others you know I mean all the steps they mention God and everything like that and I don't know what to do so then I say well but I'm probably talking too much about God I mean this gal got pissed off when Stevie B said talk about the Bible I mean I understand that the big book it says between 1934 it says rarely ever seen a person talk about God a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path I understand the big book says if you do what we did you'll get what we got you'll experience much of heaven you'll be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence just do what we did and I understand that prior to 1939 when the big book was read was written they didn't have the big book to read so the only thing they read was the Holy Bible and I understand there are books today that have Bibles in there and people talk about Bibles and everything like that and I understand that in our own literature in Dr. Bob in the good old times it says Dr. Bob on page 96 noting that there were no 12 steps at the time and that our stories didn't amount to anything to speak of later said they were convinced they were convinced this is the guys between 1935 and 1939 the guys that wrote the big book the guys that were supposed to want what they have and do exactly what they did they were convinced that the answer to their problems were in the good book in the Bible to some of us older ones the parts we found absolutely essential now listen to me absolutely means nothing absolutely very good now wait a second this is a tough one essential means very good okay the parts that we found absolutely essential were the Sermon on the Mount that's Matthew 5, 6, and 7 I think I can read the Sermon on the Mount at any meeting and nobody could stop me well I guess could you be fired from AA? because it says they are absolutely essential and the first according to this book the first meeting in Apostles and Ancestors done by Dr. Bob and he read the Sermon on the Mount so should I worry about some gal who doesn't like the Bible? should I water the meeting should I water this thing down because somebody doesn't want to know about the history of AA? don't we have a thing that says condemn prior investigation? you know should I worry about that some guy who's going to drink anyway because he's pissed off because he has a spiritual axiom whenever I'm disturbed no matter what's the problem there's something wrong with me you know wants to deny all of us the real power in this deal from hearing all this stuff should I worry about that? or should I be concerned about the people that are serious about this thing and really want to know what these people are doing? okay to some of us well you should have been there to save Stevie you know to some of us older ones the parts that we found absolutely essential were the Sermon on the Mount the 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians and the book of James that's why they almost called it the James Club but then again I'm thinking here's what I'm thinking I'm thinking maybe I'm wrong about this maybe there's just too much talk about God and then I read Bill Wilson felt the same way and then I read have you ever heard that in AA? there's too much talk about God you talk too much about God you shouldn't talk so much about God you've got better cool down to God stuff you know we're not in line with any religious thing well Bill Wilson felt the same exact way I mean right after he made the statement the Lord has been so wonderful to me curing me of this terrible disease I've just got to keep on talking about it and telling other people like a month or two after he made that statement he was going around the AA meeting saying maybe we talk too much about God you know why? because somebody got mad at him because he mentioned the Bible and they started to walk out he says well maybe because he's an alcoholic because if somebody rejects him there must be something wrong with him it doesn't matter that there was a white light and he's not drinking and God is the one that said you know there's an alcoholic there's a crazy alcoholic that doesn't like him so maybe you ought to ditch the whole thing and go with their deal you know what I mean? good orderly direction or some sort of deal okay? he's an alcoholic just like us he's more worried about what you think about him than God you understand? that's why every alcoholic who walks into the AA the first thing they say is well if they ask after they've destroyed their life after drinking will burst their kidneys and their liver the biggest question they have is well if somebody asked me would I have a drink what should I say to them? now any normal person would shoot the person on sight you know what I mean? but we have to have some sort of cover story and this is what that's how I call code for how can I tell them I don't want a drink so they'll still like me and if we can't figure out a way how to tell them to have a drink so they still think I'm cool I'm liable to drink because I'd rather die and have them think I'm cool and screw my family and all my kids and everything than risk the fact that some guy who I don't even like isn't going to like me or talk badly of me if you don't understand that you don't understand about alcoholism you don't understand what you're fighting against you're fighting against the mind that wants you dead that if there's one guy who's saying I'm giving you life and there's five guys that's saying we're going to kill you you're looking and you're saying I like those five guys then look I want to hang out with them you know you know so on page 159 on 159 we're actually going to get to the fourth step it's going to be really I got six minutes to tie this thing up how many think I can do it I can do this shit let me tell you in the early days she recalled Bill said to me Henrietta this is Henrietta he was talking to Henrietta Seibel in the early days he said to Henrietta this Bill I don't think we should talk so much about religion or God I said to him this is Henrietta well we're not out to please the alcoholics they have been pleasing themselves all these years we are out to please God and if you don't talk about what God does and your faith and your guidance then you might as well be the Rotary Club or something like that because God is your only source of power finally Bill agreed so listen if you hear somebody say you shouldn't talk about God or you talk too much about God all you're listening to is the sickness coming out and Bill Wilson had it too and he was put right by Henrietta Seibel and that's why our book has God all through that deal now here's the deal and this is this is the fourth step have you ever noticed have you ever noticed that the third step comes before the fourth step no no no have you ever noticed I mean you would you would think you would think that you should be able to think about this thing analyze it try to figure out God try to figure out why you should believe in God try to think about this real hard and then when you've got this all thought out after a few years then you can decide whether or not you want the God thing it isn't like fourth step and then third it isn't like you take an inventory try to figure out your life and everything and then you decide about it have you ever noticed that the first thing you've got to do is realize that you're powerless that your life is unmanageable that you can't manage your life that no human power can manage your life that you're the best thing that got you in here and then immediately they say now turn your life over to God don't even think about it the only thing you think about is basically are you now ultimately willing to turn your whole life over to Him you ever think about that deal you know there's a great line remember that 1 Corinthians 13 this stuff is old it's been around for a long time in 1 Corinthians 13 there's this line that has to do with thinking and who we are and what we are it says this when I was a child I taught this is one of the things that they thought was absolutely essential they used to talk about it all the time 1 Corinthians 13 1 Corinthians 13 for years you know it's called the love chapter it says when I was a child I talked like a child I thought like a child you know some people say alcohol behavior and thinking is like childish alcohol behavior and thinking it's like a 61 year old gal that was starting to think I want my rattle it's not fair I should get my rattle when I was a child I talked like a child I thought like a child I reasoned like a child when I became a man I put childish things behind me now we see but a poor reflection in the mirror we don't even see what's going on now we think we see but we're stumbling a poor reflection in the mirror then we shall see face to face now I know in part then I shall know fully even as I am fully known it's all about knowing and wisdom and seeing things clearly but first you have to have some sort of spiritual I'm spiritual what does spiritual mean that same guy who wrote that they said was absolutely essential wrote this the spirit searches all things that's the apostle Paul even the deep things of God for who among men knows the thoughts of man except man's spirit within him the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the spirit of God we have not received the spirit of the world but the spirit who is from God that we may understand what God has freely given us this is what we speak not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the spirit expressing spiritual truths and spiritual words the man now listen to this the man without the spirit does not accept the things that come from the spirit of God for they are foolishness to him and he cannot understand them because they are spiritually discerned there is stuff in this big book that is that will save your life that will not only save your life and stop you from drinking but you'll have an incredible life you'll experience every one of these promises and more you'll see things clearly you'll see your life clearly you'll be able to people come up to you with problems unbelievable problems and you'll be able to look them in the eye and wonder and just say an answer like that that comes out of your mouth because it's so clear to you and it's not clear to them you'll be able to say it and there is stuff in this book that's just magical just propel you into another dimension that many people in here will never see or never understand because it's spiritually discerned it's not intellectually discerned if you remember in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous remember Roland Hazard? you remember Roland Hazard? in the big book about Roland Hazard was the guy who put himself on the tutelage and I'm going to hey I've got two minutes I can do this thing he put himself on the tutelage I want to read this thing it says a certain American businessman he was a multi-millionaire he was brilliant smart guy went to the best schools was an alchie couldn't stop drinking a certain American businessman had ability good sense and high character what did he have? he had ability he had good sense he had high character moral integrity he had character you know what it says in the chapter of the agnostics it says if a better set of morals a better philosophy of life would save us we've been sober a long time ago it wouldn't save us lack of power was our deliverer we've had to find a power that means we have to talk about God you can't read a man of the equation it says we've got to get rid of selfishness self-centeredness that's the root of our problem a hundred forms of self-delusion self-centeredness we step on the toes of others they retaliate usually without us knowing what we're doing because we're alcoholics we're self-righteous but we don't think so it says above everything we must get rid of that selfishness above all we find it's fatal if we don't it says God makes that possible he's all over the place you can't get rid of him so a certain American businessman had ability good sense high character for years he floundered from one sanitarium to the other he had consulted the best known American psychiatrist then he had gone to Europe placed himself in care of a celebrated physician the psychiatrist Dr. Young famous guy brilliant guy who prescribed for him though experience had made him skeptical he finished his treatment with unusual confidence okay he had ability good sense high character now he was confident he had confidence unusual confidence his physical and mental conditions were unusually good he was feeling good physically he was feeling good mentally above all listen to this here's the thinking he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and his hidden springs and relapse that relapse was unthinkable he was feeling good he was looking good everything was perfect about him and he just knew so much about himself he had learned so much that there was no way he was going to go back to drinking next line nevertheless he was drunk in a short time what's the moral of that story you're crazy before you start doing that fourth step you know which deals with working on spiritual matters or spiritual discern you better get right with him you better get right with that or else it doesn't work this is not an intellectual program more baffling still he could not give himself he could give himself no unsatisfactory explanation for this fall you know unfortunately you know there's some people that come in here you know and eventually they get it and really think this is some sort of intellectual psychological deal because there were a lot of people in here a lot of people didn't like the God thing and they watered it down like this gal you said the word Bible I'm leaving so they watered it but it's clear if you really and so they try to figure out how to do this thing without touching the third rail the God rail you know because you could probably you could probably make the chart you could make the chart maybe without talking about God you could probably go to A meetings without saying the Lord's prayer without praying there are people that do it you see them they sit in the back they don't pray you could probably do this entire program almost everything in this program without God but what you'll get is not what they got because all the hidden ingredients aren't there you may not see it because it's spiritually discerned but somebody who has been but when you put them with somebody when you watch somebody who's been doing it with the God rail the way it was meant to be done the way it's written that it should be done you will ascertain you will discern the difference you will discern the difference so I mean for me to tell you I'm going to tell you if you do the fourth step and you do the fourth step with a firm basis just do the third step you know you don't have to just do it if you have a basis in the third step and you do the first step magical things will happen you do the fifth step and you'll see things more clearly and more clearly as you go along this thing will become clearer and clearer to you and as your relationship with God grows and you get closer to him the world will become clear just like it said in that chapter I read you know where it says at first we see through a glass darkly but more is revealed and all of a sudden you've got 10 or 15 years and you can see the hidden ingredients and traps in the road you can see the people you need to stay away from you know the truth of the matter is you can be sober for a number of years and not understand you really need to stay away from that person that you keep on going back to you know you can be involved in the same craft doing the same thing sober over period because you just don't get it you just don't see it because it's spiritually discerned but as you grow in your relationship and you're like this that's what it says in step six it separates the man from the boys that's how you tell somebody's being separated become more and more interested in growing the likeness of their creator this is about hey listen I'm not making this stuff up it's in the 12 and 12 you can read it grow in the image and light as you grow in the image and light which is the creator as you become more interested and focused on the God thing all of a sudden the four step stuff the inventory stuff starts kicking in and it's like putting a giant beam a giant flashlight on what's going on and you see things you see what's going on in your life clear you see what's going on you see what's going on you see who you are clear you see who other people are clear you're able to help people clear because you're not so confused so there I you see it's on the fourth step but you know it's sort of like third too it's there God's all over the place you know he will not be denied thank you very much