Step Eleven Is Where Spiritual Life Actually Starts — the First Ten Treat the Disease

This is January 29th, 1996. This is Sherman Oaks, California.
Prime Time Men's Alcoholic Stag Meeting.
This is Sherman Oaks, California.
How are you doing?
Hi, I'm Bob, an alcoholic.
Can we open up with a serenity prayer?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women.
We share their experience, strength, and hope with each other
that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from alcoholism.
The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking.
There are no dues or fees for AA membership.
We are self-supporting through our own contributions.
AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution.
It does not wish to engage in any controversy.
Neither endorses nor opposes any causes.
Our primary focus is to help people.
Our primary focus is to help people.
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.
This is our regular Monday night primetime stag men's Alcoholics Anonymous.
And would someone care to read Chapter 5 and how it works?
My name's Alan. I'm an alcoholic.
How it works.
Rarely have we seen a person who's been sober for a long time.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not
completely give themselves to this simple program.
Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
There are such unfortunates.
They are not at fault.
They seem to have been born that way.
They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living
which demands rigorous practice.
It needs rigorous honesty.
Their chances are less than average.
There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders.
But many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now.
If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it,
then you are ready to take certain steps.
Then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked.
We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not.
With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from
the very start.
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let
go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful.
Without help, it is too much for us, but there is one who has all power.
That one is God.
May you find him now.
Half measures availed us nothing.
We stood at the turning point.
We asked his protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery.
One, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Two.
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Three.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Four.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Five.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
Six.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all our sins.
We were ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Seven.
Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
Eight.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Nine.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure
them or others.
Ten.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Eleven.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood
him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
Twelve.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, what an order.
What an order.
I can't go through with it.
Do not be discouraged.
No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles.
We are not saints.
The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.
The principles we have set down are guides to progress.
We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic.
The chapter to the agnostic.
And our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas.
A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
B, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
And C, that God could and would if he were sought.
Thank you, Al.
Any birthdays tonight?
No.
No birthdays.
That gives us a longer meeting.
You know, to start this meeting off, it started off the same way as always.
And I personally believe that this meeting is going to be a very important one, and that
it's going to be a very important one, and that it's going to be a very important one.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
The meeting should be talked about the way it is talked about, and what's talked about
here, and what's brought to the surface, and what's kept there.
And to sit there and realize that there's an important role going on right now in each
one of our lives, not just for the fact of being here in this here Monday night meeting,
or the idea of getting married.
Thank you.
of being together like this here,
but more for the purpose of carrying this message,
this message in the 12th step,
what it says in there,
having had a spiritual awakening
as a result of these steps,
I try to carry this message to the alcoholic
and practice these principles in all of my affairs.
So, you see, to me there's an awful lot
to be considered or looked at
about this meeting,
especially this meeting, to me especially.
And then also the reason to have this type of meeting,
the way this meeting is conducted, I believe,
and what's...
what's...
here for each and every one of us.
The reason why is because when I came here,
I didn't know what I was doing here.
And then for a long time, I still didn't know.
And being Alcoholics Anonymous,
from where I come from,
I know a great deal about alcohol.
Believe me, I do.
I can tell you story after story just like your stories.
I'll tell you one right behind it.
And...
But I don't believe those.
See, it's just...
We're here to compare stories.
I don't think so.
And I don't think that we're here
to try to top each other
or to talk about yesterdays,
whether they go into yesteryears or yesterdays.
I mean, there's our today as far as that goes
because there was enough time today to get drunk in.
And so I believe it's important
because I never knew
and I couldn't put together any reason
for the life that I lived.
That there was anything wrong with it
so long as there wasn't any alcohol in it.
Now, that was something I had to consider
because it seemed like me, to me,
it seemed like in the back of my mind
for a long time, better than two and a half years,
is that so long as the alcohol or the whiskey wasn't there,
that I'd eventually, or I am all right,
or I'm going to make it,
or I'm going to be a winner eventually,
and so on and so forth.
But it was never talked about here.
Personally, it wasn't talked about to where I could hear
how to behave or act
or how to be somebody in this world
other than who I am,
the way I think, the way I act,
the way I treat people,
the way I do my job.
Whatever my job is, the main difference,
because we're all from all different walks of life
and we come here the same way.
We all come here from the same way.
We all come here because, believe me,
I knew for me there was no place else to go.
For me, I had to come out of an Alki hospital
and then into AA.
But I know that all of us reach here for the same reason,
and that reason is a mind.
A mind.
And it isn't because of a bottle,
although the bottle was in the picture.
And I recognize myself even
that the alcohol itself,
I thought that if you took alcohol away from me,
I would straighten up and fly right
and I'd be the right kind of guy.
There would be no problems, no troubles.
I thought that the alcohol, drinking,
injured my job, injured me in many, many ways.
Well, it did in the sense that
when I had drunk behavior, you know,
when you don't see things and you have to hit them
or something like that.
Yeah.
But how about thinking and how about living
and how about being with a world out there?
This world out there that I'm talking about
is what this meeting here, right now,
should be talked about, should be considered,
should be looked at,
because of the thought process
that goes through my mind anyway
in the day I'm in
which hasn't got a reference to years.
I can't tell you I've got a lot of years
and that's going to stop this mind
from doing what I want.
I can't tell you I've got a lot of years.
I can't tell you I've got a lot of years.
what it wants to do because it doesn't it just don't and i can't tell you that years here would
make you and give you a plaque you could hang on a wall or you could say to yourself you know
you'll never be bothered by alcoholism again because you got enough time here you got a lot
of time time used to count in my book it did it does not count it counts in praise and thanks to
my lord and i do this all the time i tell them and i praise and i thank them for this day and
all of my past years he's allowed me to be here sober and so you see there is something here
that i know that covers a lot of ground it really covers a lot of ground and the reason it does is
because it's alcoholism and alcoholism is a living disease
you
it's a living disease it's not dead disease because the bottle isn't there
and if it's a living disease i had to learn where it's at and it's in my mind
it's in my mind because i live in my mind i don't live in my body
i used to think about these things all the time because i couldn't explain the way of behavior
that i would do in a day i was in with no reference to being drunk or bottles or
thinking drink even i wasn't even thinking drink and yet though i would go to a meeting and sit
like you're sitting right now and there'd be a lot of things happening at this meeting
from other sharing and from others that i personally got to know and could see how
they live themselves and there's no reason why i couldn't live like they live because
they live peaceful they live uh they lived in a home that was uh
uh
it was a quiet home it wasn't a home where uh doors slammed and uh
cuss words were going flying through the air and then out the door i'd go you know and i
because i i used to do that you know when i was drunk i'll never forget i used to come home
ready for a fight so that i could go back out again i'd say you think i'm drunk now i'll show
you how drunk i really can get so you know slam the door out i go you know well i say i had that
same attitude sober
i don't know the park out here same thing see because i was ready for freddie all the time
because i was had something wrong with my mind i had something wrong with my thinking
it uh it all of a sudden it would take over and when it took over it would hurt anybody i don't
care who it'd be and to know these things you know them like i know them but to live out in
that world that i live in and do differently like today this state
that's a different story because all it has to be today the same as always is something happened
once too often and something happens inside of me i don't know what it is other than i can say
alcoholism is that my mind takes over and when it takes over it tells me something i listen to it
it becomes the authority and then i'll react to that authority because that's all i can do
that's all i've got to do i don't know the reason why i don't know the reason why i don't know the
reason for coming to alcoholics anonymous and i don't know the reason for why there's 12 steps here
and why these 12 steps are in the order form they're in i don't know because all i'd have
to do is stay away from the bottle long enough and all i'd have to do is read this book in the
morning and then the rest of the day all i have to do is just walk any way i want to walk think
any way i want to think and that qualification of staying sober going to meetings reading this
occasionally gives me the right or makes me think that i'm all right that everything is cool
there's nothing wrong i don't know how to live differently and what i'm trying to say to you is
a message and what this message is is how to live in the day i'm in so i don't have to live with
alcoholism so i don't have to live with the old characters that i brought here the old characters
that i brought here
the character that thinks by himself with the power of himself that's me i didn't know about 12
steps and i didn't know about building a new character here in the day i lived and building
this character is living it and as i live this character this character has principles that are
there because they come out of step application and what these principles are and it says this
in the foreword
it says that alcoholics anonymous 12 steps are a group of principles spiritual in their nature
which is which is let's see how to go i forgot which is applied will expel the obsession and
drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole well to be happily and usefully
whole i thought that meant staying sober going to meetings quit fighting with people just just
kind of get over with your involves but really the point here is that is not what denial is but
that is your own core understanding whatever the truth is if you remember the dream up front
so be yourself rage get mad inside hold yourself down like holiness bring down and just walk around
that day holding that spring down don't get mad for nobody and but that never works because all
of a sudden what would happen is i'd forget the spring would come off and here comes everything
with it see all the disease all the thinking myself and everything and i couldn't understand i couldn't put together i had no awareness that love would come out of an argument but for the intention
ええ
these steps produce a character by application. And this is a far cry from what I used to hear
in Alcoholics Anonymous, because all I ever heard in Alcoholics Anonymous was, don't drink,
go to more meetings, get another sponsor, turn it over, do different things. There was many
things said them days, but the real reason to talk to me, or you should tell me, is the disease
of alcoholism, exactly. Why is it there, and what is it, and why do they call it a disease?
Like I was talking, there's a tape over there now from Friday night even. I was talking over there,
and it's just the same thing as calling it alcoholism when I'm not drinking. It didn't make
sense, because why should I have to suffer from alcoholism if I'm not drinking? I'm suffering from
soberism. I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm sober.
But I don't know what it means to be sober. So what am I going to call it? So this here,
this way of life that I'm talking about is all about 12 steps. It's all about application today,
starting in step one. And I think we, I don't know if it was last week or the week before when
somebody was asking, let's see, the question they were asking had something to do with step seven,
I think it was, wasn't it, or step six?
Was it six or seven? But I think that what we should do here, and what should be talked about
here, is not just the alcoholism alone by itself, but alcoholism, ego, self, being one. And in steps
one, two, and three, being the foundation for AA, because of the fact of what step one will do,
for any one of us, I know it will, step one will stop a relapse. It'll stop you and I from
getting drunk. It'll stop you and I from getting drunk. It'll stop you and I from getting drunk.
It'll stop you and I from getting drunk. It'll stop you and I from getting drunk. Step one will do that.
Step one has got a principle in it. The very first principle in the AA, step one, says that I'll never
be able to take another drink again as long as I live with alcohol. That's what it says. I'll never
be able to do this again. That's a principle. And it says also that's the only principle I can do 100%.
Page, and step six says that. That this is, this is possible. But how about the other steps, though?
How about like we do an awful lot about talking about step two?
I came to believe in a power greater than me that will restore me to sanity. And yet, though, to talk about this is no more than words.
Because all I'd have to do is go out in this world out here and just talk to myself about that world as I live it, as I see it, as I'm with you or anybody.
And here comes the disease, because the disease is still in me because it's an ism. It hasn't died.
And not only that, though, but everything that was there before is still there now.
And I couldn't put that together as something that that's in me. It's happened to me.
So it's who I am.
Inside of me I still have everything I brought here and what I brought here a long time ago was a character that didn't fit in the world.
Didn't fit with anybody.
Nobody. No women, no men, anywhere.
Didn't fit.
Because something always would make it make it.
Right.
wrong something would come up and I'd have to show myself I'd have to think
something and it didn't work and yet though in the steps the steps are in a
logical order form to build a new character in the day I'm in and this
character that I am is already has principles their spiritual in their
nature that if I could use these principles and build this character I
wouldn't need the old character the old character meaning the old me I wouldn't
have to have reference to me but how to get away from me how to stop me this
should be talked about I believe because I don't think it's ever talked about I
don't think I heard a meeting yet that I've been to where they talk about this
what I'm talking about right now about how to live today this day today this
day by a character that I didn't bring here this character I learned
today by a character that I didn't bring here this character I learned
how to live here with this character live here in alcoholics anonymous in these steps that i think
should be talked about that i think should be described or at least presented anyway
because it is food but it's spiritual food otherwise it won't be there and that i had to
find out is why they have step two and three and this year now i'm going to go a little farther
this year than i normally do normally i stay in step one two and three but i think i ought to go
a little farther because of what was said last week here because it would be like you and i right
now trying to figure out what happened today what happened today how come today now maybe this
happened for you or maybe it didn't i don't know but it used to happen to me all the time
i used to have a day and all of a sudden this day i had was so beautiful you couldn't believe
it because things were going good i've got my job i got my money i got my new car and i got my
everything but all of a sudden something happened during that day and i got angry and the kind of
anger i'm talking about isn't just anger it's a rage it's a mind that really gets sore it gets
mean mad it just wants to fight it wants to show you whoever you are you can't do that and get away
with it not and this here is
all of a sudden that happened before that everything was perfect here i have time today man
i got time in aaa i've got some years counting but these years don't count not treating alcoholism
they don't because if alcoholism isn't looked at as alcoholism it doesn't get treated today
it got treated a long time ago where i sure did i came here and stayed sober first two
and a half years and didn't touch nothing i never touched nothing
went along and during that two and a half years being the same man sober as i was drunk all of a
sudden i found myself where i could be in the day lick holding that spring down again i was holding
that spring down no matter what you said or did i wouldn't get mad at you i wouldn't say a word i
wouldn't feel it i'm holding i'm holding boiling inside i don't know if you and then all of a
sudden man i have to let go of it because you did it too many times and then i get mad again now
here it comes again but i don't know the reason why and i don't know what the steps are about i
don't know why this means i don't know why it's happening in my life i don't know why it's happening
to me i don't know if you know this or not but why do you keep coming to this meeting if you still go
out in that world out there and you still have time or find time enough to fight to argue to run
somebody off the road that you could maybe get a gal and hate her guts to do something along that
line i've never said a word to hurt you either in your own personal life if you have enough
self-honesty enough self-honesty that person's not to admit that you actually are that person
that you actually think that way about another person has never said a word to hurt you even
and yet you've got inside of you something that tells you that that person is not very much good
that's what i'm talking about my mind now i'm not talking about yours who's ever yours
but it's there it's there for me and i find out i can't live like that i find out an
alcoholic synonymous that i cannot live like that i can't go
through these days carrying a package or carrying my yesterdays carrying thoughts that hurt me
and eventually they might even hurt you i found out that this program recovery is a program
recovery because it is recovery but it's recovery from a mind called alcoholism it's a mind that i
own inside of me that i use inside of me it's recovery from a mind the reason that's my mind
i won't let god do this mind i'm talking about won't let me have a relationship even with god
any anger that it won't let me have a relationship with god today this day out there the reason it
won't because i won't let god do for me what he wants to do and god could never do anything for
me i won't let him you can't any anger that i spring up on this whole thing anytime that i
get mad out there there's i act funny out there
there in the freeway i'll tell you that you don't think god's sitting in that front seat with me
do you because i'm sitting there all alone man and i got the world all figured out i've got this
whole thing all in my hands what do you do when all of a sudden there's no god in my in my vehicle
i'll tell you that these were things i had to look inside of me because it couldn't explain
to me my behavior all of a sudden here like it was asked was asked last week i wasn't talking about
what do you do when all of a sudden you're
losing a little bit all of a sudden it's there and it's gone what's gone is all his peace and
mind and serenity what's happened now in the steps even we're talking about even in the steps there
it's like step seven a little bit was said about seven i think it was about casey i think casey
was one of them and he was one of them and one know about relationships you know what they
actually mean and go into relationships
here in step in step seven to be a giver to learn how to be a giver could mean many in step seven
principle wise living this day today because that gets required out of me not you it's required out
of me by god to be a giver that could be today this day now a giver today could mean many many
things it could mean money you could do that it could be maybe just a phone call it only means
to call up to see how you're doing but i'm not doing it under protest that could that could be
that that can be given to i'm not doing it given could be in many forms but it's always given it's
never taken character building and given only means that i'm doing something now that i'm not
doing it under protest now i'm not doing it to qualify right now i'm not doing it because i said
to god i did my share today or none of these things at all this is a character building
this is something that's going on and when it's going on the character that i'm building right now
this character i'm talking about right now is a giving character
and i have to learn it has a great deal to do with the way i look at you the way i look at
you the way i see you the way you say things to me the way you say things to me things like that
i have to learn there's principles behind that there's 12 steps these principles
allow me in the day i'm in to have thoughts that are good thoughts they used to be the opposite
but it means this is an application this is a reason why in alcoholics anonymous there's 12
steps there's 12 steps not just to read not just to say i work them but to change the change means
character change what it means is to live this way instead of the way i used to live when i come here
and then after i came here i thought meetings would allow the mere fact of attending a meeting
would change me or make me a member of alcoholics anonymous to do as i damn please
anywhere i go whether it's home whether it's like with my two daughters or whatever it is
would allow me to take on and take on a package of self that i'm right
but i'm right
and that's that's
that's entirely wrong that's entirely wrong the reason it's entirely wrong
is because i have something wrong with me when i come here
and it's there and it's called the disease of alcohol it's a glass in hand i work my mind
it says i'll admit i'm a problem drinker but won't admit i'm in fact mentally ill
then it says i can't have a relationship with another human being
it says many many things in here and it's step seven to be a giver it'd be right now the same
thing to see each and every one of you as one going to see each and every one of you this is a
and when i talk to god it's about each and every one of us
that help us all to be with us all to guide us all direct us all with your power according to your
will and then all of a sudden you see this is an ongoing change of character this is a way i live
the way i live today isn't only because of this step step seven when it's.
Altogether, we are living like you are today.
Out y because.
This is the.
The way i should live.
Rome.
And then step seven was first offered to me.
I didn't know nothing about it.
And then all of a sudden I found out it's a humility humble step
where it says even in there that just enough humility to stay sober isn't enough.
It's not near enough.
It's not enough to meet adversity, other adversities that come along pretty tough.
And to serve man and God, the character building and spiritual values had to come first.
That's what this, I believe, should be talked about a great deal.
That's today's action or today's life today
because the disease of alcoholism still goes on without the alcohol being used in the body.
The alcoholism thinking still goes on.
I never believed that.
In fact, for a long time I would argue against that.
If you told me that, I'd argue with you.
Because I didn't believe that.
I didn't believe that.
because I was sober going to AA.
I was not drinking.
But I didn't know the disease of alcoholism
is a mind-controlling disease,
that it goes on because my life goes on.
But there is a way that I don't have to live by that disease,
and that's what I'm talking about now.
I'm talking about the step application.
I'm talking about why the steps are in an order form, 12 of them.
So why do I have to have my disease treated today, this day?
Just exactly, why wouldn't your disease have to be treated today
if you haven't had a drink in over a month, me over 43 years?
Why would I have to even think?
After a period of time of 43 years, I've smelt alcohol, but I've never touched it.
Now you'd think that that alone would qualify you and I, or me.
It would qualify me.
To go ahead and live this day today,
the mere fact of not having a mind screwed up,
having a mind fogged up with some kind of booze of some sort,
that it would allow me to hear this message
or to live this life as simple as that,
just easy, nothing to it.
Just don't get mad, just don't do it.
But you see, I can't tell myself that
because I haven't got the power.
But I did, and I did it with a smile, and we had a great time.
We went to the movies, we went roller skating,
we cooked chocolate pancakes.
I mean, it was right on.
I didn't have to scream once.
We had a rapport that was there that I could have never had before.
And it's all because of what I'm learning here.
When things got tough, I talked to God.
How do I deal with these kids?
What should I say to these kids?
And it's a life I've never had before.
It's a life I've never had before.
It's a life I've never had before.
It's a life I've never had before.
It's a life I've never known.
I don't know how to hang with kids like that,
but we did it, and it was just a wonderful weekend.
I get nailed with hugs when I come into the house for my kids.
They don't let me leave with running out to my car
and hanging on the windowsill giving me goodbye kisses.
I never had that.
I had the kids when I was drinking,
and I had the kids when I was not drinking
and not practicing the same thing.
I had the kids when I was passing the steps,
and they were afraid of me then,
and now it's a whole different ballgame.
Repairs can be made.
It's just an added little motivation to do it.
The past doesn't count for me anymore.
The past is all behind me.
The past is all behind me.
Big picture.
Man, oh, God gave me my life back, boy.
And not only that, he gave me everything in it,
and he made sure that I knew it because of the fact that he kept giving me more all the time.
And he's never stopped right until this very minute.
But to talk about this, to identify it, to recognize it,
to praise my God.
I praise my God.
And I have for so many years now since I found this way of life.
And I do it openly.
I do it sometimes just mentally, orally, or whatever.
I do it here at meetings.
Before you meet me, when you read the steps, I pray to God.
This is all about I'm not ashamed to tell you who I am.
I'm one man.
And this man God wants me to be.
And when I'm like this, he gives me the world.
He gives me the world that's a beautiful world.
Before, it was a world I struggled in.
It was a world I had to get prepared for.
It was a world that I had to look forward, thinking how to act,
how to get ready to treat somebody, to say something.
Man, there's no such thing as that.
I am only one man.
I'm going to show you me.
To me, to you, to whoever you are.
It doesn't make no difference.
And this is important to say because without the steps
and the application of the steps from my life,
where could I get this?
Or where could I find this?
Or how could I find it?
Or where would it be at?
Would it be in a newspaper?
Or would it be around in another building?
Or where?
I don't know.
But it's here in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And when I came here, this is exactly what I found.
I found a way of life.
In this way of life, drinking isn't necessary.
That was the first damn thing.
And then from there, it was living was necessary.
It was how to live today.
Man, I never knew how to live today.
Could you honestly, any of you, self-honesty to self?
Can you ask yourself self-honestly,
do you know how to live today?
Do you know how to think today?
Do you know how to look at another person today?
Do you know how to say thanks to somebody?
Even though you just first met them.
They came in the room like now.
Just like say right now.
To shake hands.
To say I'm glad to see you here.
To be a part of this.
And genuinely mean it from your heart.
Can you really do these things?
Can you go home and say thank you?
When before you take things for granted.
I'm the kind of guy that takes everything for granted.
I'll take you for granted.
I'll take you for granted.
But I won't do it now.
But I used to do it.
Because that's all I knew to do.
I wasn't trained.
I had no way of knowledge.
I had no way of power.
That says to me, you want to feel good?
You treat him good.
See what happens to yourself.
That's all I had to do.
Make a beginning.
And the beginning I made is with the power.
And the power is God.
Asking God to be with me.
Guide me.
Direct me.
Power me.
It's not my words.
According to your will.
Can I do this?
Can I do that?
Thanks for being with me.
I praise you at this meeting here.
But that's an ongoing living life.
That's what this book is talking about here.
And you know, it's a funny thing.
The way this book ends and some of your meetings on a page 164.
As we trudge the road to happy destiny and so on.
And then it goes on in other areas in here.
And it talks about the relationships that we have.
That we have with each other.
That you can have something now that you never had before.
It belongs to you.
God gives it to you.
Nobody can take it from you.
You can throw it away.
But nobody can take it.
Man, that's a hell of a feeling to understand or to know.
You can't take it from me.
You can't run me off the road and make my mind go so ratty that I get so disturbed.
That I get so angry that I go into a rage.
You can't do that to me.
I can throw it away.
But you can't take it from me.
I believe that this here is this one I'm talking about right now.
This alcoholism.
It should be talked about for what it is.
It's a mind controlling disease.
And any one of you guys that know anything at all about your mind and about controlling.
Talk about it.
Talk about it.
How you use it at work.
Or how you use it around your family.
Around the kids.
What do you do when somebody, maybe they say something to you that wants too many.
What do you do?
Do you file it away?
Do you just forget about it?
Walk away mad?
Do you store it down here and leave it there and don't pay no attention to it?
You see, I can't do that.
I won't do that.
Because there's a way to live.
And it's in 12 step application.
This is what this is about.
In fact, this is what I talk about it.
How many of you, we go to retreats.
What's talked about at the retreat or a workshop?
Application of 12 steps.
So that I can live in the day I'm in.
According to the will of God.
Not according to me.
According to you.
It's according to the will of God.
That's what's in this book here.
Anybody want to?
Peter?
I'm Nadir.
I call it.
And I know it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Interesting day.
It was a beautiful day.
I was heading downtown to my office.
And I got to Vermont.
And I realized that I didn't bring the file that I should have taken to work.
So I just took off Vermont and made the turn and got back on the freeway and head on up home.
I was almost there, actually.
And I started laughing.
Instead of being mad.
know, rushing and trying to, you know, make up for the time that I'm going to lose. And, you know,
I got home and I fixed myself a cup of tea. I drank the tea and then I got back on the freeway,
you know. And that's not in my nature, actually. You know, this is a very little thing. It might
not be a big deal for anybody here, but it is for me. You know, I can't calm down now. I can just,
you know, be, you know, I cannot let the situation force me to react. And it's all
because of coming here and being willing to accept that I am a power because I never looked
at myself as a power before. You know, I knew I was messed up, but I didn't know I was a power
until this guy mentioned that. He said, have you ever looked at yourself as a power?
And
I said, no. He said, you are a power. You've been running your life all these years.
I know, like the Sermon on the Mount talks about, you know, you have to have God in all the nooks
and crannies of your being. Every corner of your body should have God in it. And it's not that,
you know, when he talks about that, it's not that five minutes in the morning. It's not that five
minutes at night that you can just go on and do whatever you do. That's what it says there,
that you are with him. You are with him. You are with him. You are with him. You are with him.
Now you are with him. And it's an amazing thing that, you know, when you are with him,
the doors opens up. Things happen. And then you don't look at it as luck anymore. You know,
there is no such a thing as luck. And he said that, you know, it's because of, you know,
you are going with him. You know, I got this, the principles of the steps hooked on my wall
behind my desk. And, you know, all of them.
Honesty, to courage, to patience, and all of them. And people who come and get a check from me,
you know, I actually read that thing. And they kind of, they say, what is that? You know,
I'm like, hey, man, that's why I'm writing you a check. That's the reason why. If I didn't have
this, you'd be out of here, man. And, you know, it's amazing. You know, I have, right now,
I have three people working for me, you know. And I actually love all of them, you know. And I,
and I tell them, I got the number one crew. You know, they work hard. And they get paid right on
time. And, and I don't even think about it when I'm writing them, you know. I feel bad that I can't
give them more, actually. You know, and I know it's going to be the day that, you know, that I
told them, I said, I want three Mercedes being parked right next to each other. And they're
going to be yours. And they laughed, you know, because that's too far. I mean, they have to work
really hard to get the Mercedes.
But, but they know I'm with them, you know. We are together. You know, I work, you know, just like
them. I box everything just like them. And it feels really good. You know, step six in the,
he says, it separates men from boys. If it, if, if the first time I read it, it had said,
it separates human being from the infants, I would have gotten in the first place. Because
I really thought they're going to take away my boyhood. You know, I can't play anymore. You
know, so I didn't want, I didn't want, you know, to remove my shortcomings for a long time, you
know. Six and a half years, and I walked in here, you know. Then I walked in here, and I really
actually heard what the sixth and seventh step had to offer. And the humility that, you know,
he talks about, it, it, I mean, they say gratitude is the attitude, you know.
And you can't fake it. You know, I mean, those, those really cliches that they say, they really
make sense today, right now. They do. And I always wanted to be the man I am today. And, you know,
and I just, I wanted this thing when I first heard it. I really did want this thing. I really
wanted to be a man. I really wanted to be able to give, you know. I really wanted to, to, to drive
40 miles to see my mom. And it's not a big deal, because I'm looking forward to seeing my mom.
And it's not a big deal, because I'm looking forward to seeing my mother, you know. Those little things that, you know, that happens during the day, actually. I don't know how to appreciate it, except, you know, by coming into the grace of God and putting this man in our lives. And being here, we're very lucky. Very, very lucky. And I listen to those tapes. You know, I always listen to those tapes. That's, that's, that's another, you know, for four years, every morning before I go to work, or while I was
driving, I listened to those tapes. Because, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm sick. I'm very sick. I need this thing over and over and over and over again, you know. And, and finally, I'm getting better. I mean, I think I'm getting better, you know. And you can have what he has, you know, if, if you're willing to, you know, take some certain steps, actually. And I was willing. I wanted to, I finally found somebody that I wanted to, to have, I think,
she had. And I was in there for a long time. And I'm glad that I walked into this room. Really, I am. It's a little room. There was like eight people sitting there in the beginning. And, you know, I felt a part, you know, and I still do. And I hope each and every one of you feel the same way like I did. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Hi, I'm Doug. I'm, I'm an alcoholic.
And, uh,
I'm,
I'm living in a wonderful world. It was promised to me continually when I walked into these rooms. And, you know, I think I, I had a power that, that allowed me to just say, look, believe this. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to be able to point it out letter for letter in the book. But believe this guy that's talking to you, that he's telling you principles that are going to save your life, but not only save your life, they're going to give you life.
You can't stop and they give you a life. That's, uh, where everything that I need in my day is, is given to me. All I have to do is turn my will and my life over to this power that's greater than I am and learn to apply these principles which come out of the steps. Um, I got to work with, uh, with Bob on, uh, my fourth step. And, um,
I did what he said.
He says, well, the book's pretty good there.
Follow that book.
And so I wrote down these people that I resented and why I resented them.
And one of them was this guy that he's the director of this department that I work for him.
And he moved out here from New York.
And the doomsday man part of my character told me that everything was going to come to an end
as soon as he took charge of my main account.
Well, the other day I sat down with him.
I had a lot of fear because my work was really slow, but it's always slow in the beginning of the year.
But, you know, my mind was talking to me again.
So I was able to take that fear but with a God and go into the office and talk to him about exactly what I was worried about.
And I said, you know, what does my future look like here?
And he was taken aback at first, but I think he also found it refreshing.
And I found out that this.
Man was nowhere near the man that I thought he was.
He was he's a beautiful guy.
He's an absolutely terrific person.
Human being.
And I was in there ready to negotiate, lower my prices in order to get more work.
But during this whole time, you know, those might have been thoughts in my head and I might might have expressed my willingness to work with this guy.
So that I.
could get more work and he just looked at me and he said Doug you know you're
one of our best people yeah you cost more and you know sometimes that bothers
me but so what because I know I can send you and then the job gets done I said
well that's great you know it's just I'd like to be busier you know and I got
busier he heard me I got to you know now I I not only just accept this guy I
really appreciate the disguise of my life and today I had been I had an
assignment it was going to be a really difficult assignment I was real tired so
I was praying that I would be up for this thing well at noon they called and
they cancelled it and the guy says you know bill me I said well what like half
there's no you know what bill me for the whole thing and then put in the expenses
your assistant and everything and so my assistant who's also in the program we
actually got to spend the whole
day talking about the program and working around the studio and we were
paid for it I mean on what planet does that happen you know none that's in my
past that's for sure but by the grace of God and the principles coming out of
these steps I don't have to live in that world anymore thanks a lot
Please Jurassic Park
I think It's really important what you uh I wanted to point you brought up a while ago
or you said that when somebody comes into these rooms you reach your hand out
and you welcome them there and make them you really mean that you you're glad it
there there I don't know how many times in in the workplace where I work where I
pass people by all day and say how's it going all it's going for how's it going
and you never stopped and talk at all all day you run past a thousand people I don't turn I have to live pretty hard, your next 30 minutes left literally says SENT你走.
I really never find out what's going on.
I was at a meeting on Friday, and this one guy was there.
He's coming up on like 30 days.
And I walked up just like you normally do as I'm going up to the coffee.
Hey, how's it going?
Oh, it's going okay.
Oh, good.
So am I.
And then I just thought for a second.
I said, you know, this is not right.
There's something wrong here.
I should go over and just see that.
How's everything?
He said, it's really everything going okay.
And he said that he just went out that last night.
And I think to myself, well, what part did I play in that?
Maybe it's because I just don't listen or I don't want to listen
or maybe I was afraid to hear something I didn't want to hear.
So I think today I'm just like, because of this program,
just trying to focus more on listening when somebody says they're fine.
Are they really fine?
Or maybe I'm not.
Maybe I need to talk.
Or when somebody says their name is Bob and two seconds later I forget their name is Bob, you know,
I have to ask them again.
So I don't want to hear some things.
My family's up in San Francisco.
And I called my wife.
This happened about a month ago.
And I said, asked her how it was going.
I was just listening to what was happening and the kids and the whole thing.
I really didn't want to hear anything.
So I made an excuse and I got off the phone.
And about ten minutes later I called her back.
And I said, listen, honey, I'm really sorry that I didn't have any time for you.
I never seem to have time for you to listen to what you have to say.
And just go ahead.
I'm here to listen.
Well, she told me she wanted a divorce, you know, and that about blew me out, you know.
And I don't know if this is really going to happen or not, but, you know,
it was amongst all the other things that she needed to talk about, you know,
like why am I here and why am I not there, you know.
But I'm not sure what's going to happen with that, but it's God's will.
I'm going to do the footwork.
And I think.
I think things will be okay.
But I guess the point is just that this program has really helped me to focus on my fellow person, you know.
Thanks.
My name's Randy, and I'm an alcoholic.
I need to participate in my recovery.
I've been in a program for about 40 days now.
And I made it a goal to start participating and start to open up
and to share how I feel and get in touch with my feelings.
And like all my life, you know, I was raised in a Catholic family.
Pretty straight Catholic family.
And, you know, I really, you know, was never close to my parents or my brothers and sisters.
So I really never showed how I felt or really talked to them.
And so pretty much all my life I've been uncomfortable with myself.
And then I started drinking.
And then I started drinking.
And then I started drinking.
And then I started drinking and using at a very young age.
And then I've been in and out of jails up until, you know, like last month before I checked myself into a program.
And I'm just trying to learn how to be comfortable with myself, how to care about other people, you know, how to express my feelings.
And, you know, how to...
And how to grasp on to this program.
And, you know, just, you know, I'm tired of living the way I've been living.
I'm tired of going to jail.
And, you know, I feel like I've surrendered this time, you know, because I've been to a few other programs before.
But it was only for, you know, days, you know.
I never had no more than 30 days clean before in my life.
And, you know, this is really a big accomplishment for me right now.
I'm nervous up here.
But, you know, I got 40 days clean today.
And, you know, I can see my life, you know, getting a little better.
You know, I'm getting, you know, I'm going to family groups with my parents at the program that I'm in.
And, you know, I want to...
I've got a sponsor.
And, you know, I realize that I...
I'm going to do whatever it takes to stay sober.
And, you know, and I thank you guys for this.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My name is Danny.
I'm an alcoholic.
And this is probably for you, Bob, a question I have.
You were talking about living today without having the files from yesterday.
And how do I live today with the feelings of today and not all the pain from the past?
Because that's what I'm having problems with.
I'm trying to stay into today, but I have so much pain that I'm dealing with that I know wasn't for today.
It wasn't created today.
But I can't seem to deal with it so I can live today without experiencing that pain.
I wonder if you could help me with that.
Thanks.
Thank you.
You know, isn't it funny, though?
You know, the question that was just asked, you know, is the same question that's asked all the time.
And what it's asked there is the same thing as I've said before.
From last week and the week before.
And it seems like, now, it seems like that when I talk, I say the same things over and over and over again.
But believe me this now.
What I'm saying is not over and over and over again.
The words are over and over again.
But what I'm saying is not over and over and over again.
Because, in fact, just exactly what was asked is because of the disease of alcoholism.
And the simplest way or the way that I would say this first would be is that if I don't change, my past is my future.
If I don't change.
Now, that's one way of saying it.
That's the way I learned myself many, many years ago.
But more has got to be said than that.
That isn't good enough.
And what it has to be is that I have to build.
I have to build a new character.
Now, that's hard to hear that language because it's a different vocabulary that I'm talking about.
I have to build a new character in the day I'm in.
And to build that new character in the day I'm in, the only way it's possible is an application of 12 steps from my life today.
Now, this is all about today now that I'm going to talk about.
I'm not going to talk about yesterdays.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not going to talk about any time of yesterdays, meaning anything at all, where I personally was, what happened to me, or anything else like that.
And I go back a lot of years, but I also go back to a lot of adversity.
And I mean severe, severe adversity.
I go back to a lot of losses, a lot of failure, a lot of things that were taken away from me and things like that.
And even almost my life, three times that I know of.
But you see, even that information there is worthless.
Words are worthless.
This book here, while the cover is closed, doesn't mean a thing.
It's just another book.
But there is a way of life here, and I'll call it synonymous.
And this is the message.
But this is the hardest damn message to get a hold of.
It's the hardest message to hear because of what it is that you have to do.
And what you have to do.
And what you have to do is the same thing that I had to do a long time ago.
And the reason I had to do it is because of the fact that I couldn't live in that world out there, sober or drunk.
It made no difference.
Because it was the same world.
Every damn day, all of a sudden, here comes another day, and another day, and another day.
There is no such thing as that in this here program of recovery.
This program of recovery is building a new character.
Today, this day, by living by principles, spiritual, and our nature, with a power behind it, meaning God.
Power greater than any human power.
My life then, today, is for today.
My life is not from yesterday's life.
Because I can go backwards, and I can show you a loss of a lot of money.
A hell of a lot of money.
I can show you a loss of a lot of property.
I can show you a loss.
I can show you a loss of many, many things.
But that was yesterday's life.
I don't live in yesterday's life.
I can't live in yesterday's life.
It's impossible to live in yesterday's life.
But I can live in this life today.
This day, today.
Now, this is serious.
This is where, almost invariably, I find that any alcoholic I talk to that's got trouble of any kind,
he's got step two.
Looking right at them, all the time.
Step two.
Step two says, I came to believe in a power greater than me to restore me to sanity.
And here I am.
I'm in this day, but I'm the power.
There's no power greater than me.
I talk to myself.
I'm the authority for myself.
I've got a closed mind.
My mind is so closed, it's got so much in there, and it's keeping it, and it won't turn loose of it.
It wants to argue with everybody and anything that you do.
You say, I've got a life out there that I go into, and I quarrel with it.
Insanity of mine means only wholeness of mine.
And I can't produce wholeness or sanity or soundness of mine.
By myself, I can't do it.
The reason why, I go into memory.
I go into yesterday's.
I go into other people that hurt me a long time ago.
And I stay hurt today.
Poor little old me.
I got injured a while ago.
Just a short while.
A few years ago, maybe.
And so on.
But you see, this program recovery now, the question you wanted to know is how to live today, this day.
This day.
Right now.
Now is now.
How to live right now so that I can be happy, joyous, and free.
So I don't have to have a mind that takes me into my past.
So I don't have to have a mind that looks at you and criticizes you.
So I don't have a mind.
I don't have a mind that keeps talking to me.
I'm a self-talker.
I really am a self-talker.
I talk with authority.
How do you live like this?
How could you live like this?
Could you do this after you heard me say this?
Could you do this after you read this?
Could you?
I couldn't do it.
Man, I studied this and I've worn these books out.
I'll show you some of these books that are really worn out.
And I studied and studied and studied.
And I still live the same damn way.
I live with a chip on my shoulder.
I was looking all the time, looking, looking, looking.
Everything I've seen turned to crap.
And when it turned to crap, I was ready for Freddy.
That's not the way of life.
That's not the program of recovery.
That isn't what should be behind me.
What should be behind me is what's step three.
When I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God,
as I understood him, understood him,
is there no reference no more than step two.
It's understood that this God can do what I can't do,
can give me soundness and sanity and wholeness of mind.
It says in step three that only I, by my own circumstances,
can develop that willingness, trying to do that as an act of my own will.
You see, an act of my will is self-discipline.
I want to be with God right now.
I want to have this.
I want to have this world that it says right here in print that I can have.
I can have all of these principles.
This is no storybook.
Man, I can't read anything in there except one thing.
Do you know what I read in here from page 21 to 125?
I read principles.
Every page.
I don't care.
Here's page 57.
What are we likely to receive from step five?
For one thing,
we should get rid of that terrible,
terrible sense of isolation we've always had.
Almost without exception,
alcoholics are tortured by loneliness.
These are principles that shows you that an application here,
this says so far as alcoholics would go even further.
Most of us would declare without a fearless admission of our defects to another human being,
we could not stay sober.
It seems plain that the grace of God would not enter and expel our,
our destructive obsessions until we are willing to try this.
You see, this means exactly that.
That this is a way of life.
This is a way of living.
But it's a today.
This damn book wasn't written for the future.
This, this book wasn't written long time.
And this came out in 1953.
I've got the original book at home, 53.
But you see, it's written in here.
Take a look at it sometime and see.
All these pages, that's me, that's me, that's me, that's me, that's me, this chapter here.
Here I am over here, man, I'm all over this book.
I'm everywhere you look in here.
That's me, that hasn't got anything to do with you at all.
Here I am.
And I, and I, and I won't do anything about it.
What do I have to do?
Today, this day, I have to live.
According to the will of God.
What's God's will?
In the step application, right now, is to do His will.
What's His will?
His will is principles that are in the step application.
His will.
That's why the steps are numbered.
To keep me where I belong so that I can build the character according to what God says.
Not according to what I say or you say.
And that's why there's twelve of them.
If you notice why step one goes to six, it's all about the disease, all about alcohol, all about me, all about what's wrong with me, what do I need to do?
Step seven to twelve is all about living today with the disease being treated.
Starting out with humility and humbleness.
Starting out repairing damage that I've done.
Starting out with step ten.
Learning how to live today.
Learning.
how to live today. And then from step 11, it's the only step we grow spiritually, by
the way, if you don't know it. It's the only step we grow spiritually because of what we
have to do. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as
I understood Him. Praying only for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry
that out. This whole damn book here is so important to look inside for you tonight to
read. Read it for self. See yourself. Look at yourself. Is that you? Do I act like this?
Do I think like this? Is that me? Yeah, that's me. But you see, there's also here the solution.
This isn't a program of failure. This is a program of recovery. And the reason why it's
a recovery is because these are all spiritual.
They're spiritual principles. That's all that's in here.
Jack?
We're running about a $15, $20 negative every week for our rent things here. So if there's
room in your pocket for an extra dollar, I'd like to thank you.
My name's Jack. I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks, Bob. Powerful stuff, man. Wow.
Thank you.
You're talking about time, you know, relating.
Thinking, well, for me, I used to think people with a lot of time really had it going on,
you know. I mean, if you told me you had 10 years or whatever, I thought that was really
something.
So I said, well, I'm going to go to church. I'm going to go to church. I'm going to go to church.
couldn't wait to get that but uh I think differently now you know after I was
sober for a little while that's when I started finding out just what a jerk I
really was you know after I got sober what and I know that no amount of time
is going to keep me immune from going out if I so choose what time is for me
okay I got a little over five years it's the opportunity that I gave myself with
the daily choice that now each day when I ask myself how do I want to live today
you know do I want to live that way or do I want to live what I have now I can
say I can compare this last five years with the five years before it you know
and there's no
you know and there's no
comparison if I want to make that choice you know I'll take this five years of
course but that's about all time really means to me because it is a daily thing
but you're talking about just about all the steps tonight and thank God they
threw step 10 in just for guys like me you know because I need it quite a bit
and what step 10 does for me it gives me the chance to on a daily
basis to get Square with the world you though you could get to apologize to
whoever for my mistake or could take a daily look at myself and to see like the
gentleman was saying what's my part in it you know when I was out there
drinking and using it even before I started applying the steps step ten or
whatever it was most likely everyone else's fault with mine you know I never
I've gone through my life blaming people for my misfortune and my this and my that.
It's always someone else's fault.
I didn't have the courage to look inward, you know.
And bringing God into my life, accepting God into my life,
has given me that little bit of inner strength to be able to say I was wrong, you know.
And I'll tell you what, that goes a long way in helping make me feel better inside.
And that's why I came here.
You know, that's why I decided to try this.
Because I wanted to feel better inside, you know.
I can really feel for you, Randy, you know.
Man, I feel it, you know, what you're saying.
And that's really the reward.
The reward of these steps, it makes us feel better inside, you know.
I also am learning how to forgive, you know, how to say I forgive you, you know.
Because some of the things that happened in my life weren't my fault, you know.
Like my parents are both alcoholics.
And they were some crazy ones.
I really learned from them, you know, how to be a real alcoholic.
And I carried a lot of bitterness, and a lot of rage, and a lot of anger towards my parents until I started acting,
until I did my inventory, you know, and looked at what my part was, you know.
And some of it was my fault, and some of it was their fault.
And now I've got a pretty good relationship with both of my folks because I've forgiven them, you know.
And I went to them and asked them, you know,
I asked their forgiveness for being the kind of son that I was, you know.
And it's allowed me to be a little bit more free.
Nowadays, when I make a mistake, the sooner I can get off of it, you know, the better I sleep at night, you know.
I'm far from perfect.
The person I love most in this world, my wife, she makes me the maddest, the quickest.
You know, she can say something.
In a heartbeat, you know, I'm right up in her face because she said it in the wrong tone of voice.
Or she said, my ego, I mean, everything flies right out the window.
And what she said was wrong.
Just like you say, Bob, I don't need a drop of alcohol in my body to be a complete jerk.
And step 10 allows me to come back later and say, look, I was wrong.
You know, I'm human.
That's what it allows us, I think, that 10's in there for a purpose.
Because they knew we weren't going to be perfect.
You know, guys like me, you know.
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Rudy Alcala.
I was just thinking about today, what happened.
Somebody handed me a questionnaire last week and it was, she was working on her doctorate degree, psychology.
And I had all these questions and asked me to participate.
Participate in the survey.
And it's very anonymous, no name, nothing.
Just questions, a bunch of questions.
And some of the questions that I was reading and answering were, you know, touched home with me.
And it was like right in front of my face.
And there were questions such as, like, do you hold something that happened in the past, do you hold it against that person?
Or are you honest all the time?
And then it had, like, sometimes, somewhat, maybe, you know, something like that.
You know, and I had, you know, or, or, you know, do you take advantage of people, or, or, so many things.
Have you, are you satisfied with your relationship with God, are you, and all these things, questions, and I was seeing it in front of me.
And I knew the answer.
However, I didn't feel I was doing, I wasn't putting the right answer down.
I knew the answer should be, for example, you know, all the way to the right, which some, you know, or, but it wasn't.
Like, you know, I was marking the right answer.
But I didn't feel it.
I felt different.
In other words, what I'm saying is that knowledge, for me, is not really, it doesn't mean nothing for me.
You know, knowing it, because I know, I know this book, Bob, numerous of times, listen to him, work with him, he's worked with me, I mean.
And, but as long as I'm, I'm, I cannot apply this in my day, in, in, in, in my applications, you know, it doesn't mean anything for me.
You know, I, I, I see that at home.
You know, I, I try to, you know, control my wife.
I, I try to tell her, okay, this is what, this is what I want.
This is how I should be.
And why don't you turn on the lights when you leave?
Or how come, you know, things like that.
And, and I mistake that for love, you know.
I think I love her and I do that.
And I, and I, and I don't, I don't see that, that that's, I'm really controlling her.
And, you know, love is not, you know, I understand, you know, love is not control, you know.
It's, it's to let go, really.
It's freedom, you know, that if you really love somebody.
And I mistake that for love, you know.
I think I love her when I, I do the opposite, you know.
I pick on her.
I say, how come, you know, she doesn't say anything.
You know, the dinner is like this.
Or how come.
You need to feed the dog.
Or, you know, just on and on and on.
It's like I'm never satisfied, you know.
And, and I don't look at myself.
But, anyway, you know, I, I came a long way, I know.
And I really appreciate everything Bob has done.
And I thank you, Bob, again.
Thank you.