Step 1: The Hopelessness is Not How Bad Life Is, It’s Thinking It Ain’t That Bad – Casey R.

Hey, my name is Casey Rita, I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hey Casey! And, take notice of the time. It's always good. My sponsor always says, Casey, no one ever got mad because you let them out early, but they sure as heck get mad when you let them out late. So there we go. Okay, I am, as most of you know from Dallas, Texas, I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be anywhere, really. I just have to tell you this, it's supposed to take three planes to get here. And so I got on my plane in the DFW and I flew to the Cincinnati airport, which is funny because I was sitting there and I told somebody, I don't even know why I'm in Ohio, and they were like, you're not in Ohio. You're in Kentucky. I've entered the twilight zone. And so then we find out our plane was supposed to leave at 1155 and they had delayed it to 1217. Not a big deal. So then 1217 comes and they put us on the plane, we all get on the plane, it's one of those small little planes, you know. And we sit there for a little while, and we sit there for a little while, and we sit, I can't remember if we taxied out or not, but we sat there. And then they came over the thing and they said, there's some really bad weather in Atlanta, we're going to need to delay the flight again. We're going to go ahead and let you all off the plane so you don't have to sit in here. Which at the time seemed really nice. And so we all got off the plane, they unloaded all the luggage, and we went back and then they told us, okay, we're going to know more at 146. Not we're going to depart at 146, we're going to know more at 146. So 146 comes and then they said, okay, we're going to depart at 146. And so we'll start boarding at 146. And I think I was the only one that caught it and I was like, wow, that's a fast boarding process. A little obvious that they didn't really know what they were telling us. It's trying to make everyone happy, I guess. So 146 comes and we all board the plane and they taxi us out to the runway, and we're sitting there, and we're sitting there, and we're sitting there. And then they said, we're going to depart at 146. And then they came over to intercom and they were like, folks, they put another ground stop on Atlanta. We're going to taxi you back to the thing and get you all off the plane again. And so we went back and we all got off the plane and then we waited another hour. And then they said, all right, this is it, let's go. Everyone on the plane. So we all got on the plane. They taxied us out to the airway. And then you hear that, dee dee, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And the flight attendant picks up the phone and I'm looking at her. And she goes, . And I thought, oh, no. So then she, they come over to the airway, they're like, folks, or more like, folks, you know, you get that kind of like, the captain's door is still shut, you know. And they're like, we have another hour delay. And, but this time, we're going to get off the plane. And they're like, we're going to get off the plane. And this time, we've, we've decided we're just going to sit here, which I was glad for at that time. Don't take, we do, don't want to board this plane for the fourth time. So we sat there for an hour. And when we finally took off, it's 530 and I'm looking down at my ticket to, from Atlanta to Albany that says it leaves at 4 o'clock. And so we get to the Atlanta airport. I have no idea what happened with the other flight. And, and Atlanta airport, as some of you may know, was a madhouse. And, and I was like, oh, my gosh. And so I'm running down to the gate and I get there and you have to wait in this big old line and you finally get up there for the guy to tell me, yeah, that, that flight's been canceled. Call this number. And so I called this number. They tell me I have a, they've put, they've put me on a flight on 925 out. And so I run over to this next gate and they're like, oh, and I said, they said I had a confirmed seat. And they said, oh, no, you're on standby. And I've never flown standby. So I don't actually know. I mean, doesn't standby mean there's no seat, but hey, if we can get you it, I mean. And so, and they put me number five, which is better than the girl that I saw that was number 17. So anyways, luckily there was so much chaos that half the plane was empty. So the, and they didn't even call, like, don't they usually say like standby is number one and two and three or whatever. They just came and they would come and see. And if you're, they would say, zone one board, zone two board, zone three board. And if you're on standby, come board. All of them, everyone on standby. So anyways, that was the, that was the trip that I took. And, but you know what, I really am glad to be here. And it really, you know, it's always frustrating in the moment, but as soon as I stepped off the plane, I was just fine. I mean, Karen Cantata was like, hey, I'm happy to be here. Wasn't frustrated at all after that. Okay. So let's get started. That was, how much time did that waste? Five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes. That's a joke. I have no problem talking for as long as I want to. So, so I should start. Because I'll run out at the end of the time. As the hour progresses, I will begin to talk faster and faster and faster. And I won't even notice it. So let's see. My sobriety date is May 31st of 2003. Coming up on seven years. And I am 23 years old. So it's in, if anyone wants to come in on the four, at the bottom here, on the left hand corner. Let's see. For those of you who are much smarter than me in actually do that math. I got sober when I was 16. I turned 24 this year. I always like to start kind of a little bit about me before I started drinking. Not because anything in my childhood caused my alcoholism. Nothing, nothing causes alcoholism externally. There are people who have been molested that are not alcoholics. There are people that had perfect understanding of alcoholics, but you got to typically pay people that had perfect family lives that are alcoholics. So what happened to us when we were kids, while sometimes can, well, what I like to say is I'm not a result of what happened to me when I was growing up. I'm a result of what it is I thought about what was happening to me, which keeps the responsibility on me because it was always something off in my head. You know, if you look at me wrong, I think, gosh, she hates me. But I'll live my whole life thinking that the reason I don't like myself is because you looked at me, never realizing that the reason I hate myself is because my brain is broken, I have a spiritual malady, and I think everything is about me, and I suffer from chronic selfishness and self-centeredness to where if you look at me, I'm going to think that it's about me and it's negative. Or even more dangerous, which is my tendency, if you're looking at me, I'm thinking, everybody in this room thinks I'm the coolest. Which, that side of it is really just a product of covering up for the fact that I really did have such deep self-loathing that I had to create this egotistic persona to soothe that. So anyways, what I remember from growing up was the deep ingrained knowledge and the kind of knowledge that you never know is a belief because you just know it. I mean, if you ask a fish how the water is, they'll look at you and say, what water? You know, we don't even know. So anyways, what I knew about me was I knew from about the first grade on that I was not good enough. It wasn't a self-pity trip. It wasn't a, I mean, it just wasn't any of those dramatic things that it became when I was a teenager or when I became an alcoholic. I just knew I wasn't as good as everyone else. I knew that when I had a best friend and she was beautiful and all the boys would chase her on the playground, and then I would chase the boys. And everyone else seemed to know how to do things. They seemed to know how to do life, how to do friendships, how to do all these things. And I have always looked at things like it was a game, and not in a game in the way of, well, I mean, I did, you know, how can I manipulate? But I would come in, and if you looked happy, I would say, now, what is she doing? And then I would do what you were doing, but I wouldn't feel happy, and I didn't know why. I was always very popular. I always had lots of friends. I was always. And, you know, never shy or any of that. But I always knew I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't tan enough. I wasn't blonde enough. I wasn't feminine enough. None of these things. And so that was always with me. And the reason that that's so important is because when I took a drink, all of that righted in me. I mean, it was just like this pressure that had been building up. And all of a sudden, I took a drink. And I remember because I never knew I didn't feel good enough until I took a drink. Because then I looked back and went, wow, I have not felt good for the past 15 years. You know what I mean? Kind of asking a fish how the water is. Until you feel anything different, you don't even know what you've been feeling. Which is what kind of cemented in my brain at that moment, this works. And I remember making the conscious decision that, that I was going to do this for the rest of my life. That I was going to move to the beach in California, open up a head shop, be a hippie, and drink myself silly every single day. That was the plan. I have a lot of outside issues as far as drugs go. I don't ever talk about them from the podium of Alcoholics Anonymous in keeping with our traditions, our singleness of purpose. But that is a part of my story. And so some people can relate. Some people can't. It may have been a factor in why I got sober so young, because I went down so fast. But anyways, moving on. Here's the thing about me when I drink. I have never, I started drinking November of my freshman year, in the middle of my freshman year. And I was sent to my second treatment center the last day of my sophomore year. It wasn't very long. And for a really long time, I never liked to say out loud, hey, you know, I drank. I drank for 18 months. And until very recently, I would always disguise that. Like I would never come out and say, I started drinking when I was 15, like most speakers do. Because then I had to go back and say I got sober at 16. And I just knew at that moment people in the crowd were going to say, oh, she's not a real alcoholic. How could she possibly know what she's talking about? And they would just turn their brains off. Or worse, I'd get something like the, pause. I was about to call somebody a bad name on a speaker tape. Or like, that's that prayer I did. Or like the guy in Dallas who came up to me and told me that he had spilled more beer on his tie than I ever drank. To which I responded with a smile on my face. Well, maybe if you'd hit your head. Maybe if you'd hit your head. Maybe if you'd hit your head. Maybe if you'd hit your head. Maybe if you'd hit your head. Maybe if you'd hit your head. Maybe if you'd hit your head. Maybe if you'd hit your head. Maybe if you'd hit your mouth more, you'd be here sooner too. Which was a line that my sponsor's sponsor told me. If anyone ever told me that. So anyways, that used to be a big thing for me. Because even when I was trying to get sober, I always thought, well, I haven't gone low enough. I haven't been bad enough. I haven't done any of these things. Because in my head, because I never knew what alcohol was. I had this list. And I was always comparing myself to everyone around me. Because I went to treatment twice. And I was led to believe that alcoholism is when bad things happen because you drink. And so we would spend all this time writing consequence lists. And writing down the ways that we're powerless. And all of these things. And the crazy thing is, I had a long list. You know, I've been kicked out of schools. And I've been chased by the police. And I've been brought up on charges of truancy. And all of this. And all of these things. And I've lost friends. And I've lost self-respect. And I have been to a place where I have looked in the mirror and said, I hate you. I hate you with everything in me. You are ugly. And I hate you. I know, okay, P.S. I've been so sick this last week. And I'm on so many antibiotics. I may weep. But don't be afraid. It's just the meds. Um, I, I hate. I hated myself. In 18 months, I had put myself in a place where I was so lonely. So miserable. So hopelessly enslaved to my own obsessed mind. Um, because here's the thing about me. When I drink, I am not the kind of girl that sips from a little red cup of beer at a party. Um, I'm not that girl. I'm the type of girl that when I took my first drink, I started drinking. And within two weeks, people were saying, don't invite Casey to your party. She shows up everywhere drunk. I'm the kind of girl who took their first drink on the first week of November. And by, um, by New Year's Eve, two months later, had my first blackout. And my first, um, my first knowledge of what it meant to be pitifully and incomprehensibly. Sorry, I just can't think with two things happening at once. Um, pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. When I read that line in the big book, my mind immediately went to that, that day. That day. And that was two months after I started drinking. Um, that, that day where, because when I get drink, when I, when I get drink, when I get drunk, I can't seem to get drunk enough. And so no matter what my intentions are for the night, I will start drinking. Um, and as soon as the sensation hits me, I think this is good. I need to multiply this by about a thousand and we'll be home free. Um, and I'll start drinking and I will drink and drink and drink all the while thinking, okay, I'm not drunk enough. And then I'll start. I'll start to say one more drink and I'll be drunk enough. And I take that drink and all that drink does is make me want it one more. And I think one more and I'll be drunk enough when I drink that one. And then I think one more and I'll be drunk enough. And I'm trying to get to this magical spot that I used to get to where everything, where I could have that click. Where I could have that release. Where I could have that sigh of relief. Um, and it, it passed a point where I wasn't able to get that anymore. And I'm drinking and drinking and drinking and I'm putting as much in me as possible. Um, you know, and I can't seem to get to that point anymore. Um, and I feel this physical sensation in my chest that I just got to get another drink in me. Um, and so that, um, that's how I drink. I'm the kind of girl that will be carried out of your party at the end of the night. And, and not in a like, um, let me put my arm around you and let's laugh out the door. But in a, somebody get this girl out of my house. So that one person has their. Um, has their hands on my wrists. And some people, some person has their hands on my ankles and they're pulling me out of someone's house. Um, so let's see. I, um, I got kicked out of, of, I went to an all girls private Catholic high school. Um, and I got kicked out of there when I was a sophomore, um, for behavior problems. Um, and I just wasn't happy ever. Um, and I was so. So angry all the time. Um, and the funny thing is that I, I've heard people before that they're real shy people. And when they drink, they all of a sudden have the confidence to go and talk to someone to go, to go be on a stage, to go do all these things. Um, and that the, like, and that kind of thing. And I was almost the opposite. I've always been a very loud person. I've always been a very upfront person. I have an undergraduate degree in theater. Um, I don't have a problem with public speaking. I don't have a problem with, um, being, you know, in, in the center of attention. I don't have a problem with any of that. And the worse my drinking got, the quieter I got. Because the more I wanted to fly under the radar. I went from, um, you know, Hitler saluting my principal and defacing property and getting kicked out of school for threatening to burn the school down. I went from that to as it got worse, um, not making any, not a lot of trouble. I would, I would come into my school. I would sit down on the first day. I would say hello to the teachers so he knew my face. And then I would just never come back to school again. Um, I just didn't want anyone to bother me so I could continue doing what I was doing. Um, so, so that's kind of where we are. Um, I am going to this other school and, and the funny thing is, is what I do, what I do is when you're 16 and you're an alcoholic, it's, you have to continually keep up the appearance that you're sober. I mean, and I don't, I mean, just. I don't know if you're physically sober when you're in class, when you're at home, when you're at the dinner table, uh, when you're at Christmas, you know, things like that. Um, it's not like you can just go off to your own apartment and drink and, and do what you want. And so I discovered these magical, this magical, like, twilight zone of hours between midnight and 6 a.m. where I didn't actually have to pretend like I was sober. I could drink the way I wanted to drink. I could get messed up the way I wanted to get messed up. And so what I started doing was started sneaking out of my house. And it was the best thing in the world. Um, and, and until I got caught. Um, and then of course I lied that I, that it wasn't anything about drinking or, or getting messed up. It was just about me wanting to go out. So whatever. Um, didn't stop. Even though I was told that I would have all these consequences if I did. Um, and here's the crazy thing is that I, I stopped for a little while. But see, I have this problem where if, if other people are out having, partying without me, I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin. Um, and so I would, I would say to myself, okay, I have to stop. I have to stop doing this. I have to stop doing this. I have to stop sneaking out of my house. I don't want anyone to find out. I don't want to get caught. Cause if I get caught, this is all over and I can't have that. And so, um, what, what happened is I would, I would be firmly, I knew I wasn't going to do it. And then, um, the phone would ring and I would pick up the phone and it would be somebody asking me to go out and party with them. And I would think to myself, this is a bad idea. This is a bad idea. This is a bad, I'll be out there in five. Um, and I would go. Um, and it got to the point where I was doing a lot of things like that. Things that I didn't want to do that I would literally, I would consciously think in my head, I don't want to go do this. And I'd be going and I would never say out loud, Hey guys, I'm just going to stay in for the night. I'd be sneaking out my window thinking, I don't really want to do this. I'd be getting in someone's car thinking, I don't really want to be here. I'd be taking something from somebody thinking, I don't really want to take this. Um, and so, so I started, and there was a period. There was a period where I snuck out of my house every single night. Um, I would sneak out of my house, get wasted, come home, pass out for a little bit, wake up, go to school, skip school, get wasted, come home, wait for parents to sleep, go. I mean, just kind of this cycle because I started skipping school. And, um, I couldn't not skip school. And I always thought there was something wrong with me because I could not skip school. I didn't understand that it was that I couldn't not get hammered every day. Um, because I would, I would wake up and I would start. I would wake up every day and I would say, I'm going to do this. Um, and so I had those little days and I was checking them off and, and, and, um, I would wake up every day when I got to the end of those days. And I would say, we're not going to do it today, Casey. We're not going to do it today. And I'd be saying it as I got dressed and I'd be saying it as I got dropped off at school and I'd be saying it as I walked in. Um, and I'd be saying it as, as I met, I had one friend with a car in high school. And so, and then I'd even say it out loud to her. Hey, you know what? We got to stop this. I can't afford this anymore. Yeah, we've got to stop this. We definitely have to stop. Then we'd have this conversation as we walked out the back doors of the school and got in the car. It was just like autopilot. And so we'd get in and we'd do it again. Um, and, and all the time I know this isn't going to last. This is a house of cards here. This is going to end. This is going to blow up in my face. I knew, and I knew, like I knew it was going to blow up in my face. Um. And I did it anyways. And so anyways, um, so, and I remember it getting to the point where, um, I would get wasted. And then, um, I would be so miserable. And then, um, I would wake up in the morning and I'd say, we're not going to do it today. We're not going to do it today. Um, and by noon, somebody would have called. And I'd think to myself, and they'd say, well, why don't we just finish what I have? And then we'll stop. That is perfectly logical to me. Um, why waste it? So then, um, we would start. But the problem is that once I start, I can't stop. And so all of a sudden, I'm slightly wasted and it's noon. And I'm thinking, well, this is dumb. We should finish out the day and then stop tomorrow. So we would finish out the day and I would wake up the next morning and by noon, someone would have called. I mean, it just, it was the same thing over and over and over. And I'd wake up the next morning and I'd say, well, why don't we just finish what I have? And I'd wake up the next morning and I'd say, well, why don't we just finish what I have? And I got sent to my first treatment center, which was a 10-day day hospital, psych ward and detox thing. And I went there and some things occurred to me that had never occurred to me before. And those things were, because they physically sobered me up for a few days. Well, I knew I was miserable and lonely and angry and all that. And I didn't like myself. What I didn't know was, I made this ingenious connection. I'm pretty miserable because of the consequences of my actions. And if I don't take those actions, I won't be miserable. It was ingenious to me. I'd always thought that if you would just get off my back, then things would be fine. So I made this decision that I was going to stop stealing because I was a big thief. I stole everything. I stole money. I stole things. I pawned them. I sold my shoes one time. Hey, I've got a habit to keep up here. I would stop stealing. I would stop cheating. I would stop skipping school. I would stop sneaking out of my house. I would stop lying about where I was. And I would not get drunk or do any outside issues. That was the plan. And that plan, and this was the end of my sophomore year, I'm just not going to do any of those things. And I'm not going to drink until I go to college. Because then people won't, this won't happen when I'm in college. And so that was my big plan. And see, if I was not an alcoholic, that plan. That plan would have worked. If I was not an alcoholic, that plan would have been bona fide, grade A, stamp it. I wouldn't be here right now. Because I would have made the logical conclusion, hey, I don't like the consequences of my actions. So why don't I not take those actions? Right? That's what every, you know, almost every treatment center I've ever seen, that's the whole point. Why don't you make a logical conclusion here that if you don't like the results, don't take the actions. And then your life will be better. But there's this thing about alcoholism that they never realized. I'll really tell you. That is, when I stop drinking, things don't get better. They get worse. Life sucks worse when I stop drinking. Life gets lonelier when I stop drinking. I get angrier when I stop drinking. And the worst is that then I just go completely emotionally numb. And that's the worst feeling above everything. To be completely emotionally numb and not be able to feel. To be completely emotionally numb and not be able to feel anything. And I don't mean the good kind of numb. I don't mean comfortably numb. Right? I don't mean I'm in a good spot with what I put in my body numb. I mean numb, but I'm irritated. And I'm restless. And I'm discontent. And I want to get out of my body and I don't know how. And no matter where I am, I'm not happy being there. I just want to go. I want to go. I want to go. Go where, Casey? I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. You know life sucks when you drink. You know life won't suck if you can stay sober. And you still want to get drunk? what is wrong with me? And we'd have group after group after, what's wrong with Casey? What's wrong with her? What's wrong with her? Because when we had groups about girls who went out and relapsed, and everyone's like, oh, I can't believe it happened, and I'm so glad to be sober. All I thought is, I'm kind of jealous it's not me. To be honest. Because I want a drink. Don't want a drink, but I want a drink. And so I got out of there. And I went and I met with this woman who, well, I got a sponsor, and we were supposed to work the steps. And I'd been with her for two months, and we'd only worked two steps. And I started going to this other group. I started going to the primary purpose group, which is my home group now. And they started talking about working the steps quickly. And they started talking about reading the big book and all these things. And I had read the big book. When I was in treatment, we had to read 10 pages a day. Now, 10 pages a day, when you're in treatment for 18 and a half months, is a lot of pages of the big book. I mean, it's up in the thousands, I think. And so, I knew what the big book said. I could quote it to you. I could tell you what page number it was on. I could tell you whether it was in italics or in bold. I could tell you what the punctuation on the end of the sentence was. And I had absolutely no idea what I was saying. I didn't know what it meant. I didn't follow it. Didn't know there was anything in there to follow, to be honest. But I would go to a meeting, and I would go to a discussion meeting and just quote some random thing, and then it sounded great, and then everyone would pat me on the back, so glad you got it so young, and then I'd leave. And then I went to this group that didn't let me talk. And all they did was study the big book. And see, I would have told you at that moment that I was working the steps. I had done some kind of pseudo steps in treatment. I would have told you, yes, I worked the steps. But the reason that this group saved my life is because they go line by line through the basic text. Line by line. They have a big book study guide that has one question for every one sentence in the first 164 pages of the book. And so when you're going with a fine-tooth comb over, say, directions on step 10, and it says, we continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Right? Those kind of instructions. So they're going over them with a fine-tooth comb. And people are commenting, saying, hey, you know, when you call your sponsor, you know, you really shouldn't talk to anyone else about your 10 steps. It should really be your sponsor. You need to be calling them. And it says immediately in here, so we really need to be calling immediately. It becomes really hard to continue to deceive yourself into thinking that you work the steps if you don't. When someone is telling you line by line what it means to work the steps. When they go through the meditation stuff and they say, on awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead, and they say, hey, you guys, when you wake up, you need to get on your knees. You need to spend some time with God. You need to pray this prayer right here and this prayer right here and this prayer right here and this prayer right here. If you don't do that, it's really hard to continue to tell yourself you work the steps. Because you're thinking to yourself, my God, I haven't meditated in three years. So it's really uncomfortable. And what people do with that really uncomfortable feeling is one of two things. They leave because it's uncomfortable and they don't want to change. Or they change. They change or they leave. And there's some miracle of God I wanted to change. And so I fired my sponsor and I got a new one and she sat down with me and we're going to do the steps. We sat down and she had her big book with her. And she told me to open up to the doctor's opinion. And she said, we're going to talk about step one. And see, in the past, I would always make long lists. Talked about where to process through the consequences of my drinking and acting out behaviors and all sorts of stuff like that. So she says to me, page XXVIII says, we believe in something. So suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. That the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. She says what that means is that when I start to drink, I can't get enough. I can't call my numbers once I start because I have an allergy. I have a physiological allergy in my body that is of the liver and the pancreas. I don't produce the necessary enzymes to metabolize alcohol like a normal person. And because of that, the allergy is limited. The allergy to alcohol manifests in a craving. And I can tell you the medical breakdown of it. I'm not going to go into it up here. That when I start to drink, I cannot call my numbers. That is what makes me powerless over alcohol. That when I drink, I cannot call my numbers. An allergy is an abnormal reaction to anything put in or on the body. And I don't know about you, but when I put alcohol in my body, I have an abnormal reaction. And that abnormal reaction is more. More of that poison, please. More. And I can't get enough. This isn't like, food. This isn't like good food where you can get enough at some point. I have an allergy to alcohol that manifests in a craving that only an alcoholic has. And in that moment, I knew that I was like that. She didn't have to convince me. We didn't have to process anything because I could immediately look back and go, that's why. That's why. That's why on May 31st when I took a drink, I couldn't get drunk enough. That's why on November whatever. That's why on that day, I said I was only going to do a little because I was supposed to sing in front of 500 people and I did a little and then I did a lot. That's why. That's why I can't get drunk enough. That's why I have this feeling like someone's sitting on my chest unless I get the next drink. And so, then she tells me that that's not even the worst part. That yes, I'm powerless over alcohol because when I start, I can't call my numbers. I can't, I don't know when I'm going to stop. It's like playing Russian roulette. I don't know how many of them I'm going to take tonight. But my life was unmanageable. And see, I thought I knew that too because I had made all sorts of lists about why my life's unmanageable. Right? My car's unmanageable. My people are unmanageable. People, places, and things. All of these things that are not true. She said, you know, my life is unmanageable because I cannot manage the decision not to take that first drink. That's my problem. If I have a body that cannot take alcohol in moderation, but I have a mind that continuously tells me, Casey, this time it'll be different. It'll be different this time, Casey. It wasn't that bad last time. And she took me to page 24. And she said, this is what it means to have a mental obsession. We know, I already knew I had that physical allergy. Then she started talking to me about the mental obsession. She says, the fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure have lost the power of choice in drink. I knew I'd lost control, but I'd also lost the power to choose. I do not wake up in the morning and choose not to drink. I lost that power a long time ago. It says, our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force. Let me read that again. We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. Now, I don't know about you, but that sounds a little bit similar to what I said when I was crying on my bathroom floor at 16. I know I don't like the consequences of my actions, but when I go to take the actions, it's like I can't remember how bad the consequences are. Nobody ever told me that. Nobody ever told me that that's what that meant. And all of a sudden, I'm thinking, that's why. That's why at 14 months of sobriety, I'm looking over a list of a hundred things, bad things that happened to me when I drank, and I can't seem to muster up an emotion about one of them. Because I can't recall with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation. The hopelessness isn't, oh God, look how bad my life is. The hopelessness is, man, it ain't that bad. Because it ain't that bad, it's going to drink again. So, you know, it tells me, so I knew, I knew immediately, that's why. That's why I could never get in touch with the consequences. That's why, no matter how bad it got, I still wanted to drink a week later. And finally, it clicked for me because I was waiting for some magical bottom. Because I was under the impression, when it gets bad enough, you hit this bottom. And then all of a sudden, you snap out of it. And you look around and you go, enough! Enough! Enough. And because you've had enough, you pick yourself up by the bootstraps, you make the decision not to drink, you remember how bad it was, you stay in fear of how bad it will be, and you don't drink. You put that plug in the jug. That's what I was under the impression of. And that didn't work for me. I wanted to drink every day. I fought the obsession to drink every day. And I would have drank had I not found what the real program of Alcoholics Anonymous is about. So, all of a sudden, there was step one. I have a body that can't handle alcohol and a mind that continuously tells me that I can. And the hopelessness of alcoholism has nothing to do with how many DWIs you have, how many family members you've lost, none of those things. The hopelessness of alcoholism is on the bottom of this page. It says the sensation, the ease and comfort, is so elusive that while they admit it, it is injurious. They cannot, after a time, differentiate the true from the false. I can admit to you it's bad. Everyone in here can raise their hand and say, I shouldn't drink again. Drinking doesn't work out for me. It never works out for me. It never will work out for me. Right? I think everyone in here can say that. Everyone in here can go around the room in a meeting and talk about a drunkologue that will break your heart. But how many of us are going to drink again? Statistically speaking today, 99 out of 100 of us. Or 95 out of 100 of us. And I don't know if you've noticed how many people in this room there are, but that means most of us won't be here. So why is it that most of us will drink again even though every single one of us can tell you, shouldn't drink, no I shouldn't drink, no it's going to be bad, it's always been bad, it'll never get better. Because my problem is not that I don't logically understand that. My problem is not that I don't logically understand that when I drink, when I drink I can't get drunk enough. My problem is is that parallel with my sound reasoning there inevitably runs some trivial excuse to take a drink. Some insane thought that runs parallel to the sound reasoning. And I spend all this time on my sound reasoning when there's nothing wrong with the sound reasoning. I'm not in denial, I'm in delusion. I cannot differentiate the truth from the false. So this is what it means to be a hopeless alcoholic. They are restless, irritable, discontented, unless they can again experience a sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. Right? So number one, when I'm sober, I am restless, irritable, and discontent. After the first couple of weeks of, yay, I'm sober and nobody's trying to put me in jail, wear off, that's what happens. Restless, irritable, discontent. Right? So what starts to happen is my brain starts to bring up to memory the only thing that has ever fixed that condition which is a drink. Now I can attack that with every logical, thought I have. With every sound reasoning I have on I know that's not true, KC, I know that's not true, you know, you really just need to go to a meeting, it doesn't matter. Because it says I see other people taking it with impunity which means without consequence. And so the second thing that happens is that the phenomenon that I am, what is it? Okay, so number one, I succumb to the desire again. Number two, the phenomenon of craving develops. Number three, they pass through the well-known stages of esprit, emerging remorse with a firm, firm resolution not to do it again. Right? So then what happens? I stay sober for a little while then I start to feel restless and irritable and discontented. And then I start to think to myself, you know, this will all go away with a drink. And then I take that drink and the phenomenon of craving develops then I pass through the well, I mean, that's the cycle, that cycle can last three years, it can go three months, it can go three days, it can go three hours. The hopelessness is not about identifying with a list of consequences, it's about realizing that you live in this cycle. And I realized that. And I didn't just realize it intellectually, I lived it out so many times that I knew that this was my truth. Okay, so that's step one. I'm hopeless, I'm going to die, I'm screwed. Step two says that we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And I had always thought that that said, now you believe in God. And I went to Catholic school so that wasn't happening. I did not believe in God. I was staunchly agnostic. I had a problem with it. I thought, I thought that God was a cosmic policeman that didn't want me to have any fun. So I was not alright with that. And see, I always thought that that's what it said and it doesn't. And it wasn't until I got with this woman that she said, that doesn't say you have to believe in God. Step two has two questions. You find them on page 47. Do you now believe or are you willing to believe that there is a power greater than yourself? Well, I didn't believe but I was willing to believe. I mean, yeah, I'm willing to believe. I'm willing to believe anything at this point. I just don't want to die. I don't want to drink again. So we moved on to step three. And I always thought step three said that you turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him. And it doesn't. It says you made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understood Him. Because if I knew how to turn my will and life over to God, I'd be sober. Right? I would have been sober then. The steps would have had three steps. One, you're screwed. Two, there's a God. Three, do it His way. Okay? The problem is is that I don't have any clue how to do that. I don't feel His presence. I don't hear His directions. He doesn't call me on the phone. Right? I don't know. I don't know what's right and wrong. I don't know what to do. And so step three says, but do you want to know? I mean, do you want to make the decision to go through this process that will teach you what God's will is? And step three says, but first you've got to understand that life on your will, I mean, it's jacked up. The sink is shipping. I always say that. The ship is sinking. Okay? The ship is sinking. Regardless of the outcome. The ship is sinking. The ship is sinking. Okay? It's not working. And I knew it wasn't working and I did want to do it a different way. So I made that decision on my knees. I got on my knees, said a third step prayer. All of this happened in one sitting. One, two, three. One sitting. There was no writing. There was no anything. So then she stood up. She handed me a bunch of papers. She said, now it's time for a four step. So I did. She gave me a week to do the four step. And it was these, it was just like an Excel chart. Right? Resentments, fears, sexual, sexual conduct. And I went home and I put it off to the last day and then I did it all on the last day. And then I came back and I sat down with her to do my fifth step. And I thought that I was going to get what I got before which is you poor, poor thing. It's going to be okay. Right? That's like the A mantra sometimes. Hey, you know what? It's going to be okay. And so this woman looked down at me and she said, Casey, it's not going to be okay. You are not going to be okay. This is serious. And we went through that four step line by line. And what I realized was I am so selfish and self-centered and dishonest and manipulative and fake and phony and inconsiderate and fearful that I don't have the capacity to have a relationship with another human being unless my self-interests are being served. I think I spent my whole life trying to not have to realize that about myself. Because in our heart of hearts we kind of know it. That's where all that shame comes from, by the way. And instead of actually dealing with it in this way we'll just turn it all into self-pity and want people to tell us we're okay. But it doesn't matter how many times people tell you you're okay in your heart you're thinking, yeah, if you only knew. Because you know what? Our ego is the one that tells us that, hey, for us to be okay it has to be someone else's fault. It has to be someone else's fault. Because that makes sense. If it's your fault and not my fault I'm not the screwed up one. I'm okay. That's not the truth. It's not. Because it is my fault. I am the screwed up one. I am the person that's a bad person. You know what I mean? I do have the disease of alcoholism. That's not why I drink. But I have this selfishness and this self-centeredness that is directly linked to my mental obsession to drink. And unless I look at that selfishness and self-centeredness I will not be able to stay sober. Unless I get rid of that selfishness and self-centeredness I will not stay sober. And the book is clear that only God makes that possible. And so the thing that I have to do is take responsibility for it. The ego tells me that as long as it's your fault I'm okay. And that's a lie. Because no matter how many times someone tells us it's okay, it's okay, it's okay we don't really feel it. It's like it's bouncing off. It won't really penetrate our hearts and make us feel any better. Because we know it's not the truth. I spent my whole life trying to get convinced you I was a good person. Trying to convince you here's an example. I had a one of my biggest resentments was against this girl who was my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. And she she threatened to beat me up. She spread rumors about me. She said all these nasty things about me on the internet. She threatened to come over to my house. And see the whole I've always been resentful at her. And the whole thing was like you know I just I don't know why she's so mad. I was friends with her boyfriend. Just friends. It's not like we ever did anything wrong. And then he broke up with her and then decided to date me. How is that my fault? So but and all of that is the truth. All of that is the cash register honesty truth. Right? I didn't date him until he broke up with her. He was the one that broke up with her. In fact one time I even said to him when he asked me should I break up with my girlfriend I said listen I can't tell you that. I can't tell you whether to break up with her or not. Okay? I care more about you being happy than about anything else. You need to do what's right for you. Okay? And the girls are smiling right now because they know that that is total utter BS. So here's what it looked like when I finally got honest on my fifth step. Okay. From the moment I laid eyes on this guy I thought you will be mine. And here was the plan that I had. See I'll be his best friend. Best friend. Right? I'll spend every waking moment with him. She'll get really mad. She'll get really jealous. But I'll never actually go over the line. Right? He was a real hippie type. Right? And so I knew that what he liked in somebody is that you know one love you know respect for everyone that kind of thing. And so what I did was I became his good friend and the more jealous she got the more fearful and who wouldn't? You know what I mean? And we do this whole she can't tell you who to be friends with. And she's a girl so she's looking at me and she sees exactly what I'm doing. And so she gets angrier. And angrier. And angrier. But I've got this whole facade on where it's like and so the angrier she gets and the more psycho she starts to act the more I start to say things like man she's kind of intense. She's kind of possessive. Man she's a little bit psycho. You know what I mean? I plant these little things about how man look at how she's acting and look at how you know and this is the part you don't say but and look at how calm and cool and collected I am. And then you say things like hey I can't tell you what to do man I just want you to be happy. Which are not it's not the truth. I want you to be with me because I think that if you like me I'll feel okay. If you're with me I'll feel okay. But I'm manipulative and I'm selfish and I will bulldoze right over the top of you to get what I want. Because not only did I bulldoze over her I bulldozed over him. That wasn't a real relationship based on honesty based on somebody else's needs coming before mine. So that's what it looked like after the fifth step. You see what I'm saying? There's all sorts of things I can do with that and all of a sudden I'm coming out okay well I said this and I got angry about this but what I really wanted from him was this and when I didn't get it that's what made me mad. So I leave my fifth step knowing that I'm selfish self-centered dishonest manipulative that I'm pretty just awful. I'm awful. I can't even love my own mother without it being about me feeling good. And the moment it comes to me being inconvenienced or not getting my perceived needs met I won't do anything for you. Not because I'm going to love you but because I can't. I don't have that ability. And I left there and I walked out and the funny thing is if I were to tell you that and you were to guess how it was I felt when I left there I don't think any of you would get it right unless you've done a fifth step. I left there and as I'm turning the corner all of a sudden it hits me this immense mind-blowing joy and peace. Like I had never felt before. And this feeling like I had finally let it go. And not let it go like oh the burden's gone but I mean I'd finally stopped trying to pretend. And I knew that I was in trouble and I was doomed and I was not going to be okay. But the reason that that felt so good was because all of a sudden for the first time I felt the power of presence of God. And I felt him there and I felt this feeling of I can fall. I don't have to hold on anymore. I don't have He will catch me. He will change me. He can and he will change me. I don't have to be like this. He's going to change me. And I went home and I did that hour out and I got on my knees and I did the sixth and seventh prayer. This is second week. I had a year and a half before I worked the steps but this is the second week of working the steps. And so I go out and I start making my amends immediately. And then she introduces me to 10, 11, and 12. The reason that I don't ever have to work the steps again, 1 through 12, is because 10, 11, and 12 is the part of the steps that we work every day. And it's all of the principles from the rest of the steps combined in 10, 11, and 12. It's like a car. If my car is really, really messy, it takes a lot of time and effort to go in there and clean that whole thing out. And that's what steps 4 through 9 is. But then 10, 11, and 12 is like every day when I get out of my car, I take the trash in it, I take the one McDonald's bag out. So it never builds up again. So if we look at the 10 step, and the funny thing is that if you're a little ambivalent about whether you do 10 step, you don't. I'm serious. You don't. You don't do it. If you can't think right now, if you can't say to yourself with 100% accuracy, not do you do it perfect, do I do a 10 step? Do I know what the 10 step is? Then you don't do one. And maybe that is why some of us don't feel like we're hitting the ceiling. We do that constant emotional rollercoaster even though we've got years of sobriety. So step 10 is pretty clear. It has four points. Number one, we're going to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, fear. Number two, when they crop up, we're going to pray about them. The book already gave us a bunch of prayers for fear and for resentment and for sex and all that stuff. Then I'm going to call someone and say, it's always my sponsor, it's never someone else. Because I can manipulate someone else into being on my side and I don't need anyone on my side. That will kill me. I need someone to show me where I've been selfish, self-centered. That's where freedom comes. And feel like that's where the freedom comes when it's my fault, when I've set the ball rolling. This is what the book talks about. And so she gets me straight and clear on where it was that I put myself in the position to be harmed, why it is that I'm making amends, I go make that amends. And then it says I turn my thoughts to someone else that I can help. And I can do that eight times a day. I can do it once in a couple of days. Every time I resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid. The 10 step is something that happens on a daily basis whenever stuff like that comes up. And it's not just call, cry about what happened, hang up the phone. It is call, here's what it is, I'm resentful because the ticket lady will not give me a confirmed seat even though my fight was canceled. And at this point, I'm able to say, and I know that God is in control of this. The truth is God is in control. I will get where I need to get. He is the one that controls these things. It's just not happening my way and that's why I'm upset. I'm going to go and see if somebody needs help carrying their baggage down the whatever. I didn't make that 10 step. Maybe I should have, but that's just an example. So, then we go over to step 11. Step 11 happens in the morning and at night. And the reason, if you've ever wondered why they start with the night time one and not the morning one, it's because you're supposed to start like now. You know what I mean? Like, you're not supposed to go to bed and then start in the morning. You're supposed to start tonight. This book is clear. You get done with the step and it says, and now we need more action. The steps were meant to be worked quickly. They're not meant to be taken a step a month. The book just told me on page 24 that I have a week to a month before my mental obsession convinces me that it wasn't that bad and I take another drink. A week to a month. I don't have nine months, 12 months to be working the steps. I don't even know, like, how do you drag step six out for a month? I'm serious. Step six says, if we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. Have we emphasized willingness as being indispensable? Are we now ready to let God move from us all the things which we've admitted are objectionable? Can he now take them all every one? I don't even understand how you have an hour-long discussion meeting on step six, much less work step six for a month. Step six takes seconds. And if you've done a fifth step the way the book outlines it, you're reading, can he now take them all every one? You're going, yes! Because I saw it. I saw it clearly. So now in the morning I ask myself certain questions and I say certain prayers and then they tell me I can add more prayers and more things in there if I want to. So then we get to the whole point of the program. How long is it? I never leave myself long enough to talk about this. Oh good, three and a half minutes. If you are not doing 12-step work, you are missing it. You are missing it. If you are not sponsoring, if you are not carrying the message, I don't even know what you are doing here. It is not the whole basis of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is about helping another alcoholic. I don't mean helping another alcoholic. When I go to meetings and I share something, that is helping another alcoholic. Really? How many of you guys, raise your hand if you have ever been in a meeting and all you are thinking is I don't care. My own consequences didn't keep me sober and I will be damned if yours will. If yours are going to keep me sober. It is not, you know, and that is the thing is that when I understand that my problem is selfishness and self centeredness, then I fail to see where the idea of going to a meeting and talking about me became the solution to that. I don't need a meeting. I never need a meeting. The girls that I sponsor, if they ever say that, it is bad. This is a very serious conversation we have. Because I don't need a meeting. I have worked the steps. I have a sponsor. I have a God of my understanding. And I have a solution. And that solution is not a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. The solution is on 89. Practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. Working with another alcoholic. I go to meetings for two reasons. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't go to meetings. I go to five meetings a week. Five. Three of them are my home group, which are big book studies or step speakers. One of them is another big book study that I like. And two of them are service commitments. That was more than five, wasn't it? That was six. Two of them are on the same night. That's why I always think that. But I go to those big book studies I go to study the big book so I can learn how to be a better sponsor. Make sure I understand what the book says more clearly than I did the week before so I can guide other people in the precise instructions on how to get and stay sober. Number two, I go to find the newcomer. I go to find someone who maybe doesn't have a sponsor that wants someone to help. That's why I go. I go because I make my commitments. Because I support that group. Because if that group hadn't have been there, I wouldn't be sober. But never, never, never, because, oh, I've had a bad day. I need to go to a meeting. If I'm having a bad day, it's because I've done something and I need to call my sponsor about that. And then I need to go help somebody. That's what it's about. That's the magical handshake of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's why. And the other thing is that not every person who needs help is going to walk into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's why we carry the message. That's why it's important to go to treatment centers and halfway houses and to jails and institutions and go in there and talk about what Alcoholics Anonymous is. Not my ideas and opinions, but what is Alcoholics Anonymous? What does the big book say? It's all in the book. If I just do what the book says to do, I will get what the book says I will get. And one of the greatest promises is on page 84 and 85 where it says that I have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time, sanity will have returned. I don't wake up in the day and think about drinking. I don't wake up in the day and think about not drinking. The problem has been removed. And the problem has been removed is what they say on 85 and they tell us what the problem is when they say that the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind rather than his body. I wish I had much more time to talk, but that was the timer. Everyone's butts probably hurts from sitting in the chairs. But thank you guys for letting me come. And thank you.