Spiritual Awakening I Called Bullsh*t Until the Peace Just Took Over – Jennifer F.

My name is Lisa, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Lisa. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the Nava Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them, too. I must have this thing. So tonight I have asked this lady to speak. Her name is Jen, and she's very excited. Looking forward to this. I'm looking forward to hearing your experience, strength, and hope. Just so you know, Lisa lied to you. I am not very excited at all. We're just going to start off with that. No, I am happy to do this. I am standing up here with three and a half years. Actually, three and a half years to the day, which is crazy. And it was... It was a journey getting here. Truly, it was. I guess, to start off with, when I was, you know, younger, for the most part, I guess you could say I had a normal childhood, whatever the hell that word means. Really and truly, I was set up to, you know, do things, to do great things, to have a normal, stable life. But from very early on, I joke about it now and say I had alcoholic tendencies from birth. Just very manipulative. Very, just dramatic, just very self-seeking, selfish, all of those things, just from the very beginning. And, you know, couldn't really understand why. Just, you know, it's all about me, and it's about what I want, when I want, and how I want it, and that's how it's going to be. And that's it. You know, and then try to... And then with the people-pleasing as well, just from very early age, just very much into that. And then we get to about the age of 14. And I start sneaking out and going to parties. You know, because that's what kids do, right? So there's nothing wrong with that. We all go out. We all drink. We all have fun. But probably what we don't do is disappear for days on end at 14. I don't feel like that's a normal thing, but I absolutely did that. Just from the very beginning, just worried, worried the ever-loving life out of my parents. And couldn't see a problem with it. Because, you see, my dad's an alcoholic. He's an alcoholic as well. But at that time, you know, we don't talk about that. Like, no, he's just a heavy drinker is what we're going to call that. Because he still works. You know, he still has a job. He pays his bills. You know, he's given me and my sister this stable life that I have at a very young age started destroying it, I guess you can say. So, you know, sneaking out to parties. Then it turns into when I'm going to school. You know, thinking I'm really slick. And getting like an orange juice bottle. Drinking half the orange juice and putting some vodka in it. Like, okay, this is going to be good. Because who can't get through school without a little vodka? A little screwdriver to get through in the morning, right? We all remember high school. I feel like that's a legit thing for all of us. And just still just very delusional. Just not seeing any sort of problem with any of this. Not seeing how quickly my life is just getting unmanageable. Getting out of control. And I think it's because I was able to fake it for so long. I was able to lie to people and convince people. You know, because I can talk and I can make people laugh and everything's great. So, I mean, why not believe that I've got it together, right? At 15 years old. Literally falling apart. And then, speaking of 15, that was when pills came into my life. And that was when things really got... Really got good, right? I went to go... My mom, she's not from here. We were flying home. Hate flying. Hate it so much. And the doctor at 15 years old prescribed me Xanax. And kept the prescription going for six years. It was just one flight, y'all. But felt I needed it for at least another six years. And honestly, the only reason why it stopped was because I stopped it. Because, you know, other things came about. And just... No recollection of how I got through from 15 to 21. Truly, there's bits and pieces that I remember. But just no real memory. No sense of normalcy. No stability. How I made it to finish high school was beyond me. How I made it to college was beyond me. But don't worry, I didn't finish that either. So, I made it there. Did not finish it. Just could not finish anything. I was so consumed. I was consumed. Consumed by using. Consumed by just not taking anything seriously in life. And just not seeing what the big deal was about it. You know? Because this is what we do. I'm young. This is what young people do, right? We all party. You know? We all live this life. Isn't that what we do when we go to college? Right? We sit there, even though... Okay, I was at a community college too, by the way. So, let's just not... Let's not make it seem like I went to some, like, grand university or something. I was at community college trying to live the college dorm. So, again, lying to myself. Like, no, this is what they do on TV. This is fine. Then, when I was 18, I got into a car accident. Which, mind you, was my fault. The Xanax. And then that's when... That's when pain pills crept into my life. And that was when I remember when things just truly... I stopped caring about everything. Not that I can say I really genuinely cared before. But... But any little bit that I had left in me, I stopped. Nothing else in this world mattered to me. I did not care who I hurt. I did not care the awful things that I did. And, God, I was such a horrible friend. Like, just... If you couldn't give me what I wanted, I was going to find a way to take it. And then I was going to leave. Just... I don't know how I had friends. I don't... I don't know how my family dealt with me for so long. Because I did the same thing to them. Um... Taking care of my aunt after she had surgery. And stealing all of her pain medications. I'm like, I don't know what happened to it. Are you sure you didn't take it all? Just making, you know, making everyone else feel like it is their fault. It is... It is them that did this. There's not a problem with me. Because I am thoroughly convinced that there is not a problem with me at all. Like, this is... I'm... I'm 18. What do you mean? Like, it's fine. Um... Still, my parents, they stuck by me. And they... And they pushed me. And they wanted the best for me. But at the same time, I'm also seeing my dad's alcoholism really take over. And he is no longer that functioning alcoholic. He is no longer that person that can keep a job. So now, another reason for me to not focus on me. Because now I have to take care of you. Right? Now I have to be there for you. I have to be this daughter that takes care of you. That has to keep you going. Because I see how out of control you are. As I'm stealing his medication. Telling him what a problem he is. Um... And then that's when... That's when the heroin crept in. Um... But again, I'm doing that because I've got so much responsibility on my plate. Responsibility that I really didn't have. But I made myself believe that I had. Um... My parents still... You know, they were like, we're gonna... You know... You go to school. If you go to school, you know, we'll set you up. We'll get you another car. Because, you know, I wrecked the last one from the accident. We'll get you another car. We just want you to do these good things. Just still... Still just being there for me. And just loving me unconditionally. And I was just so... I was a disgusting person. I was a very sick person. But I couldn't understand... I couldn't understand any of that. I couldn't understand why I keep doing this. So I go to college. I'm like, I'll go to nursing school. That'll be good. Right? Nursing's easy. Nursing's easy. So I do that. And I actually make it through all my prereqs. And I actually get into the nursing program. But about six months in... Nah. I need to take some time off. I need to give myself a break. Basically, I need to continue to use more. Because now, you know, they do regular drug testing in nursing school. Well, obviously, I'm not gonna pass. So now... Now I have to... I have to take time off. I have to take time off from the stressful life that I have. And it just continues to get drastically worse. But I'm convincing myself, right? Well, I'm not going to jail like these people that I know. Yet. Don't worry. That comes. I'm not going to jail. You know, I've only had two accidents that were my fault from being high. You know? The people who are no longer friends with me because of basically the disgusting human that I have turned into. The sick person. That's okay. They didn't really care about me anyways. Right? And obviously, this is how this is supposed to be. Look at my dad. Look at him. You know, there's all these things to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with me. That this is all normal. This is how it's supposed to be. This is, you know, this is how we start off life. Doesn't everyone start off their 20s being completely shit-faced all the time? No responsibilities? So apparently I was wrong about that. Because no, not everyone does that. Apparently there are responsible people. There are responsible people out there in this world. And then that's kind of when that depression sets in. Right? Because now I'm starting to realize what a shit show I am. And how unmanageable my life is. But I feel like I'm so far gone. I can't get out of it. Right? Just been in these horrible situations. When I was 19 was when I was raped for the first time. And I remember I was so ashamed to tell anyone about it for the longest time. Just, I felt so stupid. Because I thought it was someone that I could trust. Because isn't it always, right? I felt like it was someone I could trust. They used my addiction against me. And I set myself up to let that happen. And for a lot of years, just disgusted with myself. Disgusted with everything that I had done up until that point. To the point to where all I could do now is just continue to get more high. Continue to stay drunk. I don't want to feel anything now. Why do I? What's the point in that? Because I'm not like these people who need to go to AA meetings. I'm not like these people who need a sponsor. That's not me at all. You know what I mean? I've had this normal life, which I've somehow turned into not normal. But I'm still wanting people to feel sorry for me. And now I've put myself in these vulnerable situations. That have in turn created so much damage internally. And then at 20, I got pregnant. And there's no way that I could have a child. No way. So I had an abortion. And faced a lot of grief from that. I regretted it so much more than I ever thought that I would. I felt like a horrible human being. Because I simply cannot stop getting high in order to bring a life into this world. Right? I can't stop doing that. The thought of me stopping using was more terrifying than bringing this life into this world. And there was a lot of people in my life who gave me a lot of grief for that. And made sure to tell me how selfish I was. And what a horrible person I was. And how disgusting of a human I was. So again, well, I'm just going to keep doing the only thing that I know how to do at this point. And that's just to keep getting drunk and high. That's the only thing I know how to do. And then come the arrest. Then I start getting arrested. Start getting pulled over. Start being in the now looking back at it. The right place at the right time. House is getting busted. And there I am. Right there. And again, being so furious with my parents. Because I'm in jail. How dare you let me? You sit in jail and not come bomb me out. What do you mean you're not going to come get me out? I am your child. Just selfish. Purely and utterly selfish. Just saying hateful, awful things to my parents. And then blaming them. This is because of you that I'm doing this. This is why I'm doing this. Go on probation and then I'm court ordered. I'm court ordered to go to AA meetings. That worked out really well. I think I went to three. And then convinced my mom to forge a signature. Because you don't have to get that paper signed. So forge a signature, right? Because it's anonymous. They're not going to know. The judges are going to call these people. So I was like, did it again. I got out of that one, right? Just awful. Just stupid. Because I remember sitting in these meetings going, I'm not like these people. As I'm sitting here high, by the way. Don't you forget that. And I'm like, I'm not like these people. Like they've lost everything. Still so delusional. The fact that I've never had anything to lose. I've had so many people take care of me. And to help me. And to push me through life. And just have taken zero responsibility for it. Just a brat, really. Truly and honestly. And I was so unappreciative of all of that. And I just would turn my nose about that. Like I haven't lost anything. Like I'm still okay. What do you mean? And just, just stupid. Just an idiot. Really, that's all there is to it. So I somehow skated by on probation. I don't know how I did that. Don't know how I even got off of it. I even got off early. Which I don't know how I did that either. So there's that. And then I, I am still continuing to get high. Because, you know, I haven't learned my lesson. And there's, you know, there's a mutual friend. Who, who sells drugs. And also does them. Well, this is a perfect, a perfect opportunity. He's got a house. And he needs someone to come live with him. This is perfect. So naturally, I go, I mean to help him out. Naturally. Naturally. I move in. And we start this relationship. And immediately gets very abusive. And very ugly, very quickly. Immediately. But I'm so far gone. I'm like, well, it is what it is. You know what I mean? This is, this is just what I have to take. And what I have to deal with. And it's fine. I've gotten through, I've gotten through stuff before. Mind you. Nothing like this. And then I get pregnant. Again. But I don't have an abortion this time. In fact, at the talk of it. I get the ever-loving dog shit beat out of me. Um. Because that was his insecurities, right? He felt like, because I suggest that. Because I, at a very small moment of clarity, was like, there is no way we can bring a child into this world. There's no way. This little tiny human is going to be born to us. We can't even take care of ourselves. We are stealing meters to keep the electricity on. You know, we are. Someone had one of those little keys. You know, when they turn the water off, they use the little key thing. You know, we're paying to get our water turned back on. You know, we're having to do all of this stuff. We're guilting my mom into paying our rent for us. Because we're using all of our money to get high. To get drunk. To just be numb. Um. So I had my son. That was probably the first time I had any amount of time not using. Since I was 14 years old. And I could not stay sober even after he was born. And the night I had him in the hospital, I am getting high again. That night. Just his sweet little face laying in the little bed next to me. And I am terrified. I don't know what to do for this child. I still don't know what to do for him. Truly. Don't know what to do. And the only thing I can think of is, well, I'm going to get high. And again, it is the same stuff. On probation again. Still doing just stupid shit. Just not learning anything. Not realizing that this child needs me. He needs a stable family. He needs a stable life. And I can't give it to him. I don't even try. In all honesty. Still the abuse gets worse with his dad. The using gets so much worse. I remember him being six months old. And we get pulled over. And he gets searched. At six months old. Because of shit that I'm doing. You know. Just completely unstable. Living in motels. Living in the car. With him and the dog. And me and his dad. Just bruised and bloody and broken. And I remember. You know. My relationship with God. Had obviously been non-existent. For a very long time. And I remember. Finally breaking down and praying one night. You have to get me and my son out of this situation. I don't know what else to do. So I need you. I went to prison. That was how he rectified that. My son went to live with my parents. Thank God. Thank God I had parents who were willing to take him in. I couldn't even imagine what would have happened. If they wouldn't have. So just again. My parents are coming in and saving the day. I birthed a child. And here you go. Now you got a kid. Another one. The little boy you always wanted. You're welcome. Again. Like I'm doing them a favor. Right? And I go to prison. And even still. I'm still so cocky and arrogant. And just delusional. Like. The only thing I have to do is not use. Right? And then I'm going to be good. That's all I have to do. Well I'm here for 13 months and I'm not using. I'm going to be set up for nothing but success when I get home. Of course I went to AA meetings in prison. Right? Because you want to get out. You want to get out of the dorm. You don't want to sit there all day long. I even got a big book. Probably skimmed through it once or twice. Didn't think to talk to any of those ladies that were coming to do those meetings. Didn't think to. Didn't think to really take in what it was that they were saying to me. Again. My second opportunity to work a program of AA. And I'm like yeah no. I'm good. It's fine. There's nothing unmanageable about my life right now. Yeah. I'm just sitting in prison. You know. Away from my child. I've been doing. I've been getting high since I was 15 years old. But there's nothing unmanageable about my life. And then it comes time to get out of prison. And. Just still so cocky. And I remember I actually used the words. There is nothing God is going to throw at me that I'm not going to be able to handle. I'm good. Here's my book by the way. You're still here so you may need it. You know. And just living in this bubble. This delusional bubble. Of just like. I'm going to go home. And I'm going to get a job. We're not going to worry about the seven felonies I just got on my record. We're not going to worry about that. There will be no problem for me to get a job. I'm going to get my life back on track. I can't even. I can barely. Rent an apartment anywhere. With my record. And I'm just. Lying to myself. And everyone else for that matter. Move back home by the grace of God. My parents let me move back home. Because they have my son. And then remember that challenge that I gave God. Before I got out of prison. Two weeks after I got out. We found out my dad had cancer. Stage four lung cancer. From diagnosis. To diagnosis. To death was two months. And I was the one that took care of him. Because I always took care of my dad. And that was the only person in my life. Who truly understood me. Who truly had my back. Because he's the only one that truly understood. That unmanageability of our lives. That being so dependent. On a substance of some sort. He died very quickly. Because he was in liver failure anyways. From his alcoholism. He lived much longer than what the doctors expected him to. But then the cancer came along. And that was the end of that. Unfortunately. The day before he died was when I relapsed. And that was it. There was no turning back from there. I truly did not care about anything at that point. Truly I did not. I loved my child. But I knew as long as my mom was there. I didn't have to be a mother. I didn't have to do any of that. Um. Really probably the lowest point of my life. Not only because of the fact I just lost my father. Because of the fact that I can now no longer. Well I say no longer. I've never truly been a mother to my child. Let me just be honest. But now that realization has set in right. Um. So then. Just three years. Of just. How I didn't end up back in jail and prison is beyond me. How I didn't get my child taken away is beyond me. I would bring my child to every trap house I could. Go ahead. Sit on the couch. Mommy will be right back. And God knows. Thank God. Thank God. That nothing happened to my child during that time. Just. Just completely the lowest part of my life. He was in VPK. Um. You know he was four. So he was a little biddle. So we'd have to like walk them to their classroom. If I wasn't high. I was. I was. I wasn't able to walk him to his classroom. So guess what son. You're not going to school today. He still suffers from. From. Different learning. Learning disabilities and stuff like that. He's ADHD. He. He does not take school very seriously. And I understand that it is not all about me. And that is not completely my fault. But I can't help but wonder. If I had been a better mother. If I had truly sat there. And. Stopped being so selfish. And just put. And just put the effort into being a mother. To this child. Could. Could he be. Could he have less struggles today. Could he function in a classroom today. If I had been a better mother. And then. The lowest point. I think of my using. Was about two weeks before I went to detox. Again. Had my child at some. Unknown location. And I was so high that night. When I woke up the next morning. I had no recollection. Of anything that happened. And I had no idea where my child was. Just searched. That whole house. I had no idea. Just. Truly and honestly. I had no clue. And I still remember at that point. Well I need to get high real quick. Before. Before I go looking for him. Before. Before I figure out. What is going on with my child. I have to get high. And that part. That right there. Was when it really hit me. It was like. Just bam. Like a Mack truck. That. That unmanageability. Just hit me. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't think that there was any hope. For someone like me. I didn't think that there was. Any place out there. For a mother. Who had lost her child. My child was okay. I drove him to my mother's house that night. But I don't remember that. And luckily. She didn't have to go to work. Because she had no idea that I did it either. I just went and put him in the bed. That he has there. And he woke her up in the morning. Um. That was when I realized how truly. How truly unmanageable my life was. And I just. Just being lost. And I remember thinking. My child is going to wake up one day. And I'm going to be dead. And I don't know. I don't know what else to do with that. I don't know how to get away from that. This is all that I know. This is the only way I know how to function. How to deal. This is the only thing I understand. Is to get drunk or high. Just felt like. Just a disgusting human being. Right. Just. There is no hope for someone like me. Again. You know. That selfishness. I'm the only one in the world that feels like this. I'm the only one who's ever been through this. No one is ever going to accept me. And I can't even tell you the events that led up to me going to detox. Truly I do not. I remember waking up. And me and my mom getting into a fight. And she baker acted me. In Florida that's what they call being 10-13. In case y'all were wondering. Um. Yeah. I've been there done that. A few times. And she baker acted me. And I just remember being so angry. Like how dare you. And then again. Those stupid selfish thoughts. How dare you take me from my child. When was I ever there for my child to begin with. Right. Just how dare you. And then. Again. That. That low point hit while I was in detox. Because I remember calling my mom. Like okay. Well I'm going to get out in seven days. So. Get everything ready. Come get me. And that was the first time my mom said. You're on. You're on your own. There's nothing else I can do for you. So then I'm like. Well surely my sister. My sister will bring me in. My sister was like. Yeah. Fuck you buddy. Like. Absolutely not. Those are her exact words too by the way. Um. So I remember saying. I have nowhere else to go. The only place I have to go. I will die. She said. She said. Give me an hour. She got me into a program. Sent me way out of Florida. Um. They felt it was best that I got out of the whole state. Looking back on it. Pretty good choice. Because I would have weaseled my way back home somehow. And I still remember. Coming up here to Georgia. And just still just. Just an idiot. Just. This isn't going to work. This is stupid. There's no way that these steps. And this book. And this sponsor. Is going to help me get through. This is stupid. This is stupid. I'm not going to get through any of this. There's no way. No one is going to understand. The things that I have been through. You know. Because I'm selfish. And I'm self-centered. And I think the world revolves around me. And I'm the only person. That these bad things happen to. And. With a few. A few swift kicks in the butt. And some. And a lot of lecturing. I finally was like. You know. What else. What else do I have to lose? I've tried everything else. Obviously it didn't work for me. So. I started. I started coming to the meetings. Well. I was going to meetings anyways. But. I was not paying attention. I was not listening. I was not looking for that experience. Strength and hope. I started listening. I started hearing the shares. I started hearing the people talking. And I started going. Maybe. Maybe I'm not that special. Maybe there are other people out there. That are like me. And then it was just. And one day I realized. When I finally did start working with a sponsor. And we were. We were talking about the. The second step. And having that willingness to believe. That a power greater than myself. Was going to restore me to sanity. And I remember just. My first. God has never been there for me. That is literally what I said. God has never been there for me. There is no way. That I'm going to be able to do this step. So obviously I can't do this program. So I might as well leave. Again. That selfish. Self-centeredness. Brightness. Self-centeredness. Not wanting. Not wanting to put in any effort. Not wanting to understand. That I've got zero control over this. I kind of understand it. But not wanting to fully accept it. Right? And then. My sponsor looked at me. And she said. Do you think you got out of those situations by yourself? Do you think that you're sitting here alive today. On your own? Do you truly think. That at your lowest point. When you thought that you were going to die. That it was still you. That it was still you. Who got you out of that situation. So she told me to think about that. And I did. Very reluctantly. But I did. And she was right. It was not me. It was me that got me in those situations. Every single time. It was me that put myself through all of that. It was me that continued on the self-centeredness. The unmanageability. Just grasping hold of that control. And not letting go of it. Even though I truly and honestly. Never had control over it. And then that was when. It was like. It's like they say. That spiritual awakening. Like that light hits you. And I always thought everyone was so full of shit. I was like. There's no way. I don't believe that. And it's so true though. Because I remember. It was like this peace took over me. Because I realized that it was. It was my higher power that got me through this. Got me through all of those situations. It was my higher power that has kept my son alive. In those situations. You know. Just. All of that anger. With my higher power. With God. Just seemed to go away. And it was. It was the craziest thing. Because I never believed that that would be something that would happen. That I would ever feel like that. And then it was just like. I was able to hit the ground running. With this program. And then working these steps. And then meeting with my sponsor. And then throwing myself into service work. Being there for other addicts and alcoholics. And I remember. For months. I had people asking me to be of service. And I was like. Absolutely not. There is no way I'm going to ever do that. I can talk about that. Brittany knows it's fine. It took. It took a long time. And it was like. This joy. This relief. This. This serenity. That has consumed my life. That I never thought that I would have. That I never thought that I deserved. Right. Because I'm this horrible person. And I've done these horrible things. And I put my child through hell. When he did not deserve that. He deserved to have a happy life. He's just the sweetest little boy. My mother. As crazy as she may be. Did not deserve. The stuff that I put her through. Because she. She. Stuck by me. Through so much. To the point to where she couldn't stick by me anymore. And she. She did. She cut me off for two years. Not a word to me. For two years. And again. That selfish little brattiness. I am your child. How dare you. How can you go on without me. Funny story. She got real happy after that. Because she wasn't stressed anymore. She wasn't consumed by worry anymore. She was able to let that part of her life go. And I had to do the same for myself. I had to stop being stuck. In that pity. In that woe is me. And poor pitiful Jennifer. Poor Jennifer. Who's sad. Who's away from her child. But that's my own fault. But the blessings in all of that is that. My child didn't. Didn't have to go to a family that I didn't know. He's with my sister. And he. Has the best life. That I could never give him. My mom. Is strangely independent now. Very strangely. And she's not having to worry about me anymore. I was finally able to go home. After three and a half years. And I wasn't told not to come. I was invited to the house. But it was like okay. Just like a little bit of time though. You are going back to Georgia right. You're not staying the night here. And it was just. It was just this. Just this moment where I was just like. Working this program really does promise all of that. And it really does come true. I have to get out of myself though. To get to that though. I have to stop focusing on my shit. I have to stop trying to control it. I have to stop. Feeling sorry for myself. And I have to. And I have to push through. And I have to fight. And I have to. And I have to give that control over to my higher power. Thank God. Because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Never have. So thank God I have something there. That is helping me with all of this. And I have to. And I can be nothing but grateful for all of that today. I mean I'm absolutely still crazy. I mean I get it. Like that's good. I think that's just a birth thing. Like it's fine. But I am so at peace with so much in my life now. And I wake up every day. Being of service to other women. Who are addicts and alcoholics. To other people who are addicts and alcoholics. And that is the most rewarding thing I think I could ever do. And I never thought that I wanted to do that. Never. And it has brought me. It has brought me so much peace. It has brought me so much joy. And it reminds me every single day. Why I have to keep pushing forward. Why I have to keep. I have to keep moving on. And doing everything that I've done. And keep working hard. And keep learning more about myself. And what I don't want to go back to. This program has done that for me. It has done things for me that I never thought were possible. Truly. I never thought would be possible. Just by working these 12 little steps. Right? By going to these meetings. By listening. By shutting up for once in my life. And listening to other people. That was the hard part. By the way. Truly. I think that was the hardest part of all of it. And just being grateful for being alive. And just being willing to count my blessings. Instead of being. What was me? Poor Jennifer. Poor Jennifer. All the shit. That's happened. You poor thing. Are you going to cry about it? Yeah. I will. But then. I'm going to keep going. And that's the beauty in this. That's the beauty in all of it. Is that I can stop and cry about it. I can still have these emotions. I can still work through these emotions. Right? But I have this program to help me with that. I have these people in my life. That help me through that. That call me on my shit. And that keep me. Pushing forward. I have this higher power. Who I never thought. That I would come to rely upon. And now if I wake up in the morning. And I don't pray. I feel it. I feel it. Those are the blessings that came to me. With working this program. And I will forever be grateful for this program. That's it. Thank you very much. I have asked Carolyn to give out the chips. Alright. So here at the Monday Night Speakers. We have a chip system to denote our time of sobriety. We have the white chip. The desire chip. Anybody. Alright. Anybody else for a white chip? Alright. We move on to the silver 30 day chip. Anybody got 30 day? And the bronze 60 day chip. Okay. Keep coming back. The 90 day red chip. Okay. And we got the yellow six months. Green nine months. Anybody got one year or multiple thereafter? Can we offer the white chip one more time? Everybody deserves a second chance. And also join the chip speakers meeting tonight. Gonna take the edge.