Sixth and Seventh Caught Me in the Mirror as the Angry Jealous Gossiping Woman I Swore I’d Never Be – Tina A.

Tonight's attendance, 297. I will now introduce our speaker for tonight, Tina A. from Hollister, California. My name's Tina Albert and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really grateful to be here and be sober tonight, and that's really loud. Is that really loud? That's really loud. I'm really grateful to be here and be sober tonight, and if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, I'd like to welcome you. And before I get too self-obsessed, I'd really like to thank Jim for asking me to come and speak in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is always an honor and always a privilege. And when I was new here and I would get up to a podium, similar to this one, but with a much smaller group, I would start speaking and my sponsor would majestically arise from his seat in the front row about two minutes in and go, You're finished now. And, you know, like 50-ish, and I would tuck my tail between my legs and crawl back to my seat. And he told me I wasn't allowed to speak in meetings until I had five years like the speaker. I couldn't do workshops until I had ten. I wasn't allowed to sit on any board of directors for the Alano Club that I got sober at, and I couldn't do any of those things. And I would say bizarre stuff like, My name's Tina and I am an alcoholic. And he would go, That's all you know? Sit down. So I was raised in that kind of school in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I love it. I'm extremely grateful for that. I love the fact that I got sober when I did and where I did and who was there. And it was heaven-sent and absolutely perfect for me at the time. But if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, I want to tell you that there was this speaker that got up every year for the first probably ten years that I was sober. And every single meeting, he'd say, I'd like to cry. I'd like to welcome our new friends to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Let you know that you never have to pick up another drink for the rest of your life, 24 hours at a time. And he would say it very majestically. His name was Tom Woods. And I loved that man. And out of that statement, I got a lot of stuff. I got, even though it was a lot different from the people that I came in and got sober around, he called me his friend. And it had been a long time since anybody had done that. Most of the time, I would come in and he would want me to leave. And he meant it. And then he told me that this was a fellowship that we had in here. It's a group of people joined together for one common interest. And I kind of liked that. Nobody was above anybody. We were just all fellows and the same. And then he said something that blew me away. And that was that I never had to pick up another drink for the rest of my life, 24 hours at a time. And for the first time in forever, not that first time he said it, but probably the 650th, what I heard was that I drank because I had to drink. And it clicked. Something clicked. And I loved that. And he died sober with a bunch of years. And I loved him. And if there's one thing about Alcoholics Anonymous that is my absolute favorite, it is the people that I get to walk with on this journey. And I've walked with the masters. I've walked with some of the greatest people that I've ever met in my life. And if you're new here and you stay and you reach out your hand, I promise you, I swear that that could be true for you too. They also told me other nifty stuff when I was new, like the newcomer is the most important person in the room. And I was astounded at how quickly they figured that out about me. And then I stuck around long enough to realize that like without newcomers, could you imagine how inbred we would all be if we didn't have fresh blood coming in on a daily basis? I mean, we love you newcomers. We really, really do. Anyway. So thank you very much is what I was saying, Jim, for asking me to come here. Thank you. Thank you for asking me to come and speak in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can tell you that it's different than it was when I was new. And sometimes I love speaking because I get to listen to my favorite person talk about my favorite thing. And that's me. Because it's all about me. I've been sober for a long time and it is still absolutely and completely all about me. Unless I let God interject every couple minutes in there, it is completely all about me. And my brain's wired that way. And I've been sober a long time. I can't remember what the steps and I do everything you guys tell me to do and it still clicks there and it's all right. I hide it really well. Until I tell you. And then I'm not hiding it anymore. I spoke the reason that I get nervous when I speak in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, I had a couple years and one of my favorite old guys, his name was Noel Estes and he's dead, so I can give you his last name, too. One thing that happens when you get sober young and you stay sober for a long period of time is that all those old-timers die. and then you're it. So, kicking and screaming, I swear to God, I'm it. Every step of the way. But this guy, Noel Estes, asked me to come speak. And he was one of my favorite guys. I saw him every morning at the 645 Attitude Adjustment meeting that I went to. And I was young when I got here. I was kind of like Tigger. And I would bounce in, making lots of noise. And I'd bounce on his lap. And he'd smile at me and just let me sit, you know. And his wife would smile at me and just let me sit. It didn't matter. And he asked me to come and speak at a Sunday morning 11-step meeting. And in a minute, I'm going to tell you how huge my aversion was to the idea of a power greater than me when I was new in here. And at that time, it still was. My first sponsor was an atheist slash agnostic. And we didn't talk too much about God because I didn't want to hear it. And he didn't want to talk about it either. So it worked well. But I was going to go speak at this 11-step meeting. I was never having any experience, of course, the 11-step. But I thought because I'd been sober for a little while, I was going to be able to snow you guys really, really good because I'm good at that. I like baffle you with bullshit, you know. And I'm a legend in my own mind. So I went to this 11-step meeting. And there were, I don't know, 30 or 40 people in there. And I started talking. And for some reason or another, I didn't do the whole what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like today. I just started talking about something I knew nothing about. And about 15 minutes into a 45-minute pitch, I started going, uh, and uh, you know, uh. And everybody knew, you know. We know. That's one great thing about us in Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're new in here, I'm going to give you a secret. If you come in here and you talk about the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and you've never worked them and you hang out and talk long enough, we can smell you. We smell you coming. We know. And I thought for a long, long time that I could get up and do that. And you guys didn't know. And they knew. Those guys. They just knew. And they'd write things on our cards. My friend Tom wrote on Chris's card, now you have a year sober, it's time to start working the steps. And like, he was. I wasn't, but he was. I was. I was just doing them a little out of order because there were some of them that I had an aversion to. Um. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm just kidding. Kind of. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm just kidding. Kind of. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Anyway, I guess you better get off of this and get into the what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like today. You know, it says in our book that we share in a general way what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like today. So I'm going to do that for a minute. And, um, and I'm going to try really hard not to get a lot into a drunk-a-lot because I think we all know how to do that just fine or there wouldn't be 297 people in here. Um, and I have to tell you because I'm a little bit competitive. Um. Um. When Sam got up here and said 200, and, well, I'm going to tell on you. He said, ha, ha, ha, he said 296 and I'm competitive in nature. One of my favorite speakers spoke here last week, John Ackerland, and there were 296 people in the room. And he came up to me and he said, there's 296 people in the room. And I said, shit. Ha, ha. Because I really wanted to beat John. Ha, ha, ha. Ha. And also I'd like to invite you guys, because we're low on our prudent reserve and I just found out that we have to move. Um. When you don't put a couple bucks in the basket, you get stuck with local talent. Ha, ha. Because they have to fly me here. So. Ha, ha, ha. So if you like what I have to say, you can come up and thank me after the meeting in front of the podium. And I think we'll start a new tradition this evening. Over here to the right of the podium, we'll start a line with Jim. And if you don't like what I have to say, he'll be there with a basket and you can put a couple extra bucks in and take care of it. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. But really the reason I tell you that is because if I bore you, if you yawn, if you get up and go to the bathroom and I take it personal and I absolutely suck, it's Jim's fault. Ha, ha, ha. So. Having said that, um, what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like today, I can tell you that before I ever picked up a drink of alcohol, I needed a drink. And, um. Ha, ha. My earliest recollection, and I don't remember a lot, but I remember being in kindergarten, so it put me about five years old. Um. I was a really happy kid and I, everything was good. My mom loved me. I had a great home life. And I went to kindergarten and on Friday we did show and tell. And this little boy had this really nifty toy and I wanted it. So I took it. Ha, ha. And being sensitive and concerned about other people's welfare, I left mine in its place so we wouldn't have to worry about going home with no toy. Um. Cause you know, I'm always about other people too. Um. So I took this toy and I took it home and I played with it all night and I knew the next day I was going to be in a lot of trouble. So I took off from my babysitter's house with the toy. Or it was Monday cause it had been the weekend. I took off and I went up the block the way I was supposed to go to school and around the corner and I hung out in the park all day. And, um. One of my neighbors caught me and I got home that afternoon. My mom knew that I was five years old in kindergarten and I had ditched school. Um. So she was kind of wondering why and so I told her and she made me go into the principal's office with a toy and tell him what I had done. So it was a nice day. It was certainly about a ninth step, right? Making that direct amends. At five it sucked. At forty-one it still sucks. Um. Really doesn't. But, um. It's just difficult sometimes. So, um. So I took that toy into the principal's office and I was in a lot of trouble and I was mortified and humiliated and I couldn't believe what I had done. And I needed a drink and I didn't know it. And, um. We moved from that area over into Manhattan Beach. It's this little upper class beach community in Southern California. And, um. And I remember being in third and fourth and fifth grade and not feeling like anybody liked me. You guys know that feeling of just being a little bit different, a little bit separate, um. Not good enough, not smart enough, new kid in class, whatever. And, uh. And so I would go into my mom and dad's closet and a nickel and a dime and a quarter at a time I would steal their antique coin collection. And I would take it to school and buy 15 cent ice creams for all those kids that I knew that didn't like me. And, um. And the lady at the cafeteria went, um. And she'd go into the cafeteria window and look at the buffalo nickels and the Indian dimes. And she'd look at me and she'd take the money and give me an ice cream. And I'd give it to somebody because I would do anything to make you like me or to get a little bit of attention. And, uh. And I didn't realize at the time what I really needed was a drink. Um. And in fourth grade I went back into that same closet and I took my, this is horrible stuff. I took my dad's great grandmother's mine carrot diamond ring that was her wedding ring. And I gave it to my teacher. Um. Because she was this little hunchback woman and she picked on me all the time in school and she just hated me. And you guys all had one of those teachers you know just didn't like you. Come on, I know you did. And so I took this ring and I gave it to her and she took it and she never said anything. And, um. Don't get shocked because she, my mom got the ring back. But, you know, it's just like, it's funny today because I look back at the nature of people. And I was like eight or nine years old. That woman had no business taking a ring like that from school. And she told my mom that she thought it was a rhinestone when she got busted and she gave it back. And, haha. It was really funny. Haha. That wench. Um. So anyways, I didn't realize at the time what I really needed was a drink. And that's kind of the thematic of my life all the way until I got into middle school. And I decided one day that I was going to cut school with my friend Carrie and we were going to drink. And we were going to see what this alcohol was about. And, um. So we ditched school and we went over to her house. And we went to her house. And we locked ourselves in with her little nine year old brother. Because if I was in trouble, we were all in trouble. And, uh, Sean stayed home with us and we started drinking out of this scotch bottle. And, uh, I hated the taste of it. I didn't like the taste at all. I put my tongue over the mouth of the bottle not to let any of that vile liquid get in my mouth. And, uh, and I would move my throat and pretend like I was drinking. Because I'm good at fooling you guys, you know. And, uh, and after a couple minutes I watched my friend Carrie. And she started giggling and laughing. And she was having a good time. She wasn't chicken about ditching school anymore. And I intuitively knew that I wanted what she had. So I uncovered the mouth of the bottle and I guzzled the scotch. And now she had drank some so I had to drink quickly so that I could catch up to where she was. And, um, I remember that first drink. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was on fire. And the top of my head blew off. And I hated it. Like my fingers were on fire. I burnt all the way to my toes. And it was just horrible. And about 20 seconds later the most amazing thing that ever happened to me in my entire life happened. And what happened was I got this. You guys know the one? I see a couple heads going, yeah. You know, I promise you if you're new in here I get that sometimes when I come into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's that same, like I'm so safe and home here. But I got that feeling and I didn't care about school. And, you know, I was raised in Manhattan Beach. So all these girls that I went to. School with that hated me. They all looked like Pamela Anderson before Baywatch. You know, they had long blonde hair. And they were tan and hung out at the beach. And they were just beautiful blue eyed little petite things. And I was a foot taller than everybody in my class. And I had long stringy red hair, buck teeth and freckles. And I would look at them and go Pamela Anderson. And I would look in the mirror and go Pippi Longstocking. And I just, I didn't feel. Who said howdy doody? Somebody said that at dinner tonight. You know. They said they had a speaker up here a little while ago. He had red hair. And somebody goes howdy doody. Well I was Pippi Longstocking. So we're going to have to meet. That's me in the sky. Don't worry honey. But anyway, I just felt like horrible. And that drink made it all go away. Nothing mattered anymore, you know. So we drank some more off of that scotch bottle. And my mom caught us ditching school. She came banging on the door. And before that happened I got really sick. All over the living room. And probably my friend Carrie too. I don't know. Because she didn't talk to me for a little while. But I just got really sick. And that was kind of thematic of the way that I drank. I threw up a lot. And normally I just guzzle real quick. Puke. Get it over with. And then I could drink. And I kind of liked it. I thought it was funny because it shocked a lot of people. And so we jumped out the back window of the house. And we were running all over the place. We were hiding by the water tower. And we were running from the cops. And sneaking through back yards. And you know about four or five o'clock in the morning. I was busted. I knew I couldn't go home. I was in so much trouble. And I immediately knew that the only logical solution to my problem was to take her nine-year-old brother and run away from home. So I did. You know we stole a bike and off we went. And about 11 o'clock that night I had a whiny cold nine-year-old. And I was hungry. And we were in East L.A. And it's kind of scary there when you're 12 or 13 with a bike and a chain and a nine-year-old. So I was just kind of running. And I was like, I'm going to go home. And I was like, I'm going to go home. And I was like, I'm going to go home. And I was like, I'm going to go home. And I was like, I'm going to go home. And I was hungry. And I was like, I'm going to go home. And I was like, I'm going to go home. I remember being so sick. And I was in so much trouble. And the next morning I woke up. I had a headache. I just didn't feel good. And I couldn't wait to do it again. And that's the way that I drank from the takeout. But that's like this. It was one of three times I drank. And I'm not going to say this again. I remember drinking. That's how much I drank. And I'm not going to make you say I didn't drink. I was drunk and crazy. One day I was just like, I'm going home! I'm going home. I think I'm going home. much trouble and the next morning I woke up I had a headache, I just didn't feel good and I couldn't wait to do it again. And that's the way that I drank from the time I picked up a drink until I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I drank myself into and out of high school. I drank myself into and out of every job that I ever applied for or got. I drank myself into an amazing job. It was right down my career path, more money than I had ever made in my life. And I was 17 years old and I was working a drive-thru window at Burger King. And I turned around one day and there was a Marine Corps recruiter standing there. And then through a lot of funky circumstances and odd situations he ended up with my phone number and a couple months later I was in Navy boot camp on the 21st of December in 1981. And because it was four days before Christmas I was like the only one there. You know, there were a couple other people but we sat there on the processing barrier. And I was so sick. Because I had been drinking and doing lots and lots of alcohol enhancing chemicals for a long, long time. And you know, I heard somebody say the other day I drank alcohol, I smoked alcohol, I snorted alcohol, I fried on alcohol, I injected alcohol. I loved alcohol. And I loved a lot of other things too and that's as far as I'm going to get into that. But I ended up in boot camp and I was 17 years old and I was in the military. And I was in the military for about a year and a half. And I was in the military for about a year and a half. And I was in the military for about a year and a half. And I was in the military for about a year and a half. And I was sick. And you know, I got off the bus, it was 11 o'clock, they're screaming at me and grabbing my suitcase and I mean it was just dramatic and stupid and I thought in the morning I'm going to be able to talk to somebody in charge and be able to explain the situation that there's been a tragic mistake that's been made here and they're going to let me go home. And it didn't happen. So I stayed in boot camp. I got in a lot of trouble in boot camp. I was the youngest person in my company. I got you all in trouble in boot camp because that's how boot camp goes if you've never been. And I was in the military for about a year and a half. And it didn't happen. They pick one person that's the biggest screw up and everybody pays for them and that was me. So I had a lot of friends. But I met the commanding officer in my boot camp because I drank during my work week and I got busted for drinking in boot camp. They were going to kick me out. And I was 17 and I was afraid and I was remorseful and you know the opportunity just presented itself and I took it. Who wouldn't, right? So I got in trouble and I got through that. I graduated with my company and I went to school. And I got in trouble at school. I drank on duty and left base, met the captain, blah, blah, blah. And that was kind of thematic too of all of my duty stations. I liked to meet the captain. And I know there's easier ways to meet the captain but I'm a little dramatic and you know I did it the wrong way. So anyways, by the time I graduated school they sent me to my permanent duty station, my first one. I was a cryptologic technician. I was in naval intelligence and I had a lot of high security clearances and we were, you know it was 1981. It was Cold War era and so they sent me to Adath, Alaska which is this little Aleutian island off the Kamchatka Strait in Russia. It's this little ice covered rock in the middle of nowhere because I pissed off somebody. So that's where they sent me. And I can tell you that I was on that island I don't even know. I had one of those little short timer calendars that was supposed to be there for a year and it started at 235. And I was there for 156 days because we had to count one day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time long before I ever came into Alcoholics Anonymous. Trying to get off that rock you know. And I drank a lot. I was always looking for the party and my friends were always leaving me and I would take off walking at night looking. They had these old Quonset huts on the island from World War II and we would go out and we'd take one of the Quonset huts and we'd turn it into a big party hut and every Friday and Saturday we'd be there. And I would walk around looking for the Quonset huts and nobody would tell me which one we were at anymore because they didn't want me to come. And one night I figured you know I have a keen alcoholic intellect and I saw lights coming and I thought the only logical thing for me to do would be to lay down in the middle of the road. They would see me laying there and they would stop and I would get in the car. And it worked. Somebody stopped. I got in the car. We invariably showed up at the party and so it worked so well I did it a couple more times. And by the time I left the party, I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. I was in the car. And by the time I left the island they would see a lump laying there and they would drive around it and just leave me laying in the middle of the ice. Anyway, I did get sent off the island for a short period before I got sent off for a long period and I was sent to Elmendorf Air Force Base in Anchorage and I spent a little bit of time on the psychiatric unit on the seventh floor of the hospital because I was kind of crazy. Not that I was crazy. I really didn't think I did, but I did really bizarre things when I was under the influence of alcohol, like lay down in the middle of the road and expect the car to stop. They had long since put me on Anabuse and I drank on that numerous times and got really sick and I'll skip that for a little while. If you've never done it, don't. And so they sent me back to the island and I ended up going to rehab and they medevaced me from Adak to Philadelphia and it took about five days to the best of my recollection, but I know we stopped at Elmendorf as my first stop and they put me on that same ward and that same doctor came in and gave me some Librium. Because I was sick and I was shaken and I was seeing things that weren't there and I was throwing up kind of violently on a regular basis because I was having withdraws from alcohol, they gave me this Librium. And what I realized is every time I changed a plane or a hospital, I could ask and they'd give me two more. And we did a lot of hops on the medevac. I was in the hospital. I was in the hospital. I was in the medevac and we'd stop here and we'd stop there and every time I'd get on a new plane, I'd ask for more pills. I got to Philly maybe five days later and I was on a stretcher. I had broken my arm. I was in my pajamas. They wouldn't give me my uniform back anymore. And I don't know how that happened. I just know that, you know, I would ask and they would give it to me. The only thing I remember of landing there, I have postcards from across the country that, you know, Washington, D.C. I never knew I was in Washington, D.C., but I have a postcard. I have a postcard. I have a postcard. And anyway, I got to that rehab and this little third class medical corpsman came to the plane and met me and I remember him cussing out the officer like, she's here for rehab and she's so effed up she can't speak her name. And I thought it was kind of funny. I spent a little bit of time, and this came back to me years into recovery too, I spent a week downstairs from the rehab in the regular part of the hospital and detoxing from the Librium they had me strung out on. And... And then I went up to this rehab and there were 38 guys and me and I was in heaven. I was 18 years old and I was in my heyday. You know, I just, oh my God, this is what I always wanted. You know, who knew I would drink this way and get everything I ever wanted. And the only problem was we would go to these group sessions and they'd go, you have a problem with alcohol? And I'd go, no, you guys don't understand. I do not have a problem with alcohol. I drink a little excessively. I drink a little excessively, but I do it because I like it. I like to party. And they tell me, you can't drink anymore. And I was just baffled because I could tell you from the time I picked up my very first drink of alcohol, it was the only thing that ever worked for me in my whole life. It settled my stomach better than Pepto-Bismol. It calmed my nerves better than the Librium. Alcohol did everything for me. You know, I took that first drink in my friend's living room in seventh grade and, you know, I intuitively knew supermodels would do it. I knew supermodels were tall. Red hair was the new instinct to have. Everybody should go dye theirs. And my teeth shrunk. My boobs grew. And I just knew I had found the magic elixir to my life. And it was everything that I had ever wanted. And any time I was irritable, restless, and discontent like it talks about in the big book, I could pick up a drink and it would work for a minute. And that's the trick. Like, it used to work for a long time. And then after a while, it would work for a little bit of time. And then after a minute, it would work for a minute. And then I was done. You know, I went through that rehab and I don't know how long I stayed in there. It must have been about three weeks and the first couple weeks were real hazy. I remember nothing. I remember going to a lot of A&A meetings. And I remember being in these group settings with all of these guys in the middle and having them yell nasty, horrible things at me. Because that's what they did in rehab, I guess. I don't know. And nothing was sinking in. I was just there. Nothing was sinking in. You know? I know that I would go into those A&A meetings at night and I would meet nifty people and sometimes I would hear stuff that I could relate to. But I don't know whether they were ever really, really clear, my counselor, when he sat me down and said, you're an alcoholic and here's how come. I thought when I came to you guys, I must be an alcoholic because I'd been to jail, I had a 502, I got kicked out of my mom's house, I beat up my mom, I robbed her house, I ripped you off, I did this, I got kicked out of the Navy, I threw up a lot. I came up with all of these reasons why I thought, okay, maybe I'm one of you when I was ready to come in here. And the truth of the matter is that none of those things have anything to do with why I'm an alcoholic. It tells me in the big book, in the doctor's opinion, that alcoholics have a mental obsession coupled with a physical allergy. And that physical allergy manifests itself in this thing called the phenomenon of craving. And I read it. And I read that and I went, holy moly, that's why I drank. I would take a drink, there's an old proverb, they go, the Chinese or something, I don't know, the man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, and off they go. And that's what happened to me. I would take a drink and intuitively I knew I needed another one and one was never enough. And I heard things like that after I came to you later. One's too many and a thousand's never enough. But I didn't hear that when I was in Philly. So I was in that rehab. I was in the hospital. I was in the hospital. I was in the hospital. I was in the hospital when they were teaching me stuff and I thought like they wanted me to understand the physiological effect of alcohol on my system. And, you know, I thought maybe they wanted to look deeply into the relationship that I had with my mother. I was looking for all of these things that I thought they wanted from me and they didn't really want any of them. But I was clueless. And never once did the idea cross my brain that I had a real big problem with alcohol and I shouldn't drink it anymore. That never went through there. through there. So I was in a couple weeks and they had started crushing my Antabuse tablets and mixing them with water and making me drink the liquefied Antabuse because I drank on Antabuse. Or I'd stick them under my tongue and spit them out just in case. Because I had some just in cases. In case that opportunity ever came up, I wanted to be able to take it without getting sick. And so they were liquefying this Antabuse and I was in the rehab about three weeks and we went to a Phillies game one Sunday. And we went to this Phillies game and my friend Mike and I decided we were going to try beer, right? The grand experiment beer on Antabuse. It's not like the first time I'd done it. I thought maybe this time it was going to be a little different, that thinking, right? So we went and he was like 6'97 and he weighed 350 pounds and he got one of those big beers from Philly Stadium that they used to sell in the 80s. And he sucked down the full half you know, because the beer was so good. And he was like, I'm going to try this. And I was like, well, I'm going to try the top bigger by volume. So I was having less, I thought. Because I always thought. So I drank the rest of it and we rushed back to the seat because we were supposed to be in the bathroom, you know. And I was sitting there and like a minute later my shirt, my face turned about the color of your shirt and it was an unseasonably warm day in Philly in 1983. It got really hot and I got a little sick to my stomach. And I sprayed five rows of Philly Stadium if I sprayed one. And I think it's funny today, I can promise you there was not anybody there that thought it was funny in 1983. It was not funny. The funny thing is like six months ago, I tell that story all the time because I think it's a crack up. About six months ago I was up here and you guys had this speaker, Bobby C, come in from Philly. Was anybody here that heard him speak? He was phenomenal, right? So he's talking about Philly Stadium and all of his heroes and they're down on the field. And he says, and it was an unseasonably warm day in May and my husband's going, oh, oh. He's like shoving me in the ribs because I always go like I sprayed five rows. And the only way that I know how to make amends for that is to say, if you were ever in Philly Stadium in 1983 and it was raining on you and it wasn't raining, you know, I'm really sorry. So Chris is poking me and he's going, I swear. God, I'm going to make you stand up and make amends right in front of all the people in that room. And I was like, oh, shoot, right? Anyway, different story. Might have been the same game, but I don't remember. No, I would have remembered. He told his story. It wasn't the same game. So anyway, I went back to that rehab and I was discharged and they were sending me back over to the Naval Station for separation. I've been in the military for about a year and eight months. And I just want to have a minute. I'm going to have a minute. I looked down in the morning about 8 o'clock. I was checking out of the hospital. And I found the doctor. The doctor had been saying, Jim Z. But he knew the guy named Jim Z. And he said, you know, you want to get sober, call us or something. That's what we thought we were talking about. And I looked at him and I couldn't believe there was something in him that just slipped out of my head. And I made the decision at that time that I was going to go to the Naval Station. I was going to do that right back. I was going to say my first word. I wasn't going to drink no matter what. I had a lot of problems with my booze and that. But I was going to drink. And I was going to do whatever it took. I was going to go over to that neighborhood a lot of times and I was going to ask that nasty wench out to be my sponsor. I mean, I can remember people like that like 24% of the time. I was going to have to step into the bed. I was going to walk through the door and I didn't know if it was the same stuff that was happening. I couldn't drink. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't find my face. And I sat there with those bottles. And I just sat there to film what happened and put away this bin. And I was sitting there looking at the window. And you know how the first después was in here and amongst the itching oldeshitle woman was behind me and Foopy was in over there? And I told the så I was probably fucking she Except the essays, all of a sudden, what I waszgWhats Brad said there, is, like, what I mean, I wasn't doing but, you know, I made all of that into a big WWE show. I can expect that people can work on the mountain and figure it out. I can expect that you have a discussion and that this is a problem and that it's a lot of work. I can expect from June of this year to October of this year, going through every aspect, you can often tell me things that I haven't said that I expect to tolerate in some years. I'll tell you a couple times if I have to psic reconstruct . I'm not reassuring you, I'm not, edited you, I'm noticht broadcast you, I'm not ist Weirdindion When I connect with those I've considered my body without Arm Research. I believe we do have time to talk about it. Thank you everyone. and I'm making a list of the things that I bought in October of 1984. They're going to be the ones that I bought. They're all my favorite things to buy. So, this is a 1971 MG Midget. It's kind of a townhouse, but it's a townhouse. So, lately in the theater I'd be investing into a rock and.... You don't see these days a lot of young kids... putting kind of... stuff in there. But everything is starting to really develop. This is a very interesting fashion that is really becoming more and more popular these days. You get out to do within half a day. If you don't want to get sober, call Alcoholics Anonymous, but you won't know by drug. And sentinamally broke? Just for a very short second, sentinamally broke. You know, I hear lots of people in Alcoholics Anonymous talk about different ways to say that it's the worst thing to do. And I'm like, what's the worst thing to do? It's instantaneous to me. You know, a lot of rehabs tell us that we need to write a first test, and we need to write about powerlessness and inevitability, and we need to do whatever. And I'm right about it. I had that moment in that car when I was touched by a power greater than I could imagine. And that was my first test. And I was like, what's the worst thing to do? And I was like, what's the worst thing to do? And I was like, what's the worst thing to do? And I was like, what's the worst thing to do? And I instantaneously knew at that same moment that we're going to do something. None of my friends opposed it. Some even told me that yesterday if you think of activated citing as and I took the test that day and I love this, the crazy person said that to me. So, for some, it may seem like a great seller on my resume after six months of sitting there's my idea of this power mean. And when I found this scal encourage I thought, well, if I get to be successful in doing this I'm going to be successful and that was part of the reason that I took my test and that at the end of the day my leaders felt that my skills were going to be tha better than me and bigger than me . I can tell you that I worked those 13 steps. We have to unlock the application. As a matter of fact, I'm trying to get the application to work. I need to get the application. I put it in my personal notes and I read the data reflection. Then I leave that in my mail and I'm ready to go. Sometimessonay the questions becomeすごく dyad, and we chat about whatever is happening. I always end up innovation. I think we have something really very interesting. But then our expectations are high. That is funny. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. and then you would leave me and I would get to be right about what I believed about myself. Now let me tell you, that didn't take a lot of psychoanalysis and not thousands of dollars through a psychologist. Just 63 fourth steps. No, I'm just kidding. You know, that's what the steps do is they uncover all of that junk. But I came in, I asked that man to be my sponsor, and I came to believe that Paul Matson could restore me to sanity, and I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of Paul Matson. And it worked. I worked for him. We went to a noon meeting. I worked for him. We went to a 5.30 meeting. We went to an 8.30 meeting. You know, I was with him all day. We went to three or four meetings a day. I got sober in the 6.45 meetings because I lived in that car behind the Alano Club for a little while. And, you know, the secretary would come out and bang on the window and let me come in early so I could clean up a little bit because I stunk. And then I could eat all the cookies and donuts that I wanted and drink coffee. I drank coffee before all you guys got there and made me look like a hog. But that's what I lived on was the cookies and the coffee and you guys. And I can tell you that I worked some steps. I did an inventory and I shared it with Paul. I looked at all those character defects and I spent two years working on them, baby. I identified those defects of character and I was working on them. Wrong. Bad idea. I didn't figure this one out until 20 years sober. So sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. You know, but I was doing the best I could and I was listening to a lot of things. I was reading a lot of the literature. Some of those old timers would take me into the meeting room and they'd read me the book and they'd explain it to me word for word for word. And they'd go through it. And I did those things and I hung out with Paul and I walked up to the Alano Club on the 10th day of October 1986. I had two long, hard, completely abstinent, sober years in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went bouncing up to the club and I was going to take my birthday cake and I was so happy. And the coffee bar hostess came out and she said, oh, honey. And I knew Paul died. And let me tell you, if your God has never died in Alcoholics Anonymous, that is a really scary thing. But what you guys did is you didn't leave me alone. And I was with you all the time. And I took that birthday cake and I convinced myself that Paul died on that day because he wanted to see me take my cake and he couldn't get out of the hospital. And it worked because it's all about me, you know. So anyways, I stuck around long enough to get another sponsor and it was that wench that wrote on my paper that I wanted to hit. And she was the most spiritual woman I'd ever met in my life and every other word out of her mouth was, God. And mine too. God. And I went to this woman because I thought she had something to teach me and we went through the steps some more. And she's been in my life, my whole sober life. And she was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year ago. And she lives down in Southern California and I snuck down there. I didn't tell her I was coming and I was in the recovery room when she woke up. And she goes, like, what are you doing here? I go, where the heck else would I be? You know, this is what we do for each other in here. I came in here and I have a host of friends. And I came to Alcoholics Anonymous alone. I have a fantastic ability to look myself in the mirror today. And that didn't used to be the case, you know. I used to look myself in the rear view mirror because I was practicing my best pitch in Alcoholics Anonymous to go tell you and then Paul would stand up and go, you're finished now. And today, you know, somebody said to me, are you nervous? And it's not so much about being nervous. I was fine. And then last week, Sam goes, and our speaker next week will be Tina A. from Hollister. And I went, and I haven't been able to breathe for seven whole days. In an hour. But the thing is, is like when I'm practicing and I'm trying to figure out what it is I'm going to say to you, I'm all locked up in me and I can't breathe and I'm anxious and I'm irritable resting. I'm not going to be able to breathe. I'm not going to be able to breathe. I'm going to be restless and discontent just like it talks about in the book. That's my favorite line. We're irritable, restless and discontent unless we can again recapture the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. That's the disease of alcoholism and it doesn't matter how long I've been in here. I know that sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks. But the second step tells me I also know what happens as a result of that. And the craziest thing I will ever do in my life is pick up a drink of alcohol knowing where it's going to take me. And that's the second and the third step. The fourth step tells me that I have to get down to the causes and the conditions. What are all those things that make me believe the way that I believe about me? And I have to share them with another person and with my God. The nifty thing that I didn't get about the sixth and seventh step, there's one little paragraph in the big book that's so easy to just like skip over, you know. Like blip, go home for an hour, read the paragraph, find them, done. Let's do the eighth step. And so I ran around for years and I was pissed. I was pissed off and I was jealous and I was all of these things that I came into Alcoholics Anonymous with. And a lot of them have gone away. But there's a couple of them that haven't, you know. And at like 17 and 18 years sober I got these little kids and they're like maniacal demons, you know. They're 14 and 18 years old now and I would go to a meeting and I'm coming home spiritual like this was the greatest meeting I think we came here. This was the best meeting I've ever been to in my life. And I get a call and they got a standoff in the kitchen with the butcher knives and I'm like, son of a bitch, you know. Like catching glimpses of myself in the mirror like who is that crazy woman? And I'm just going to work on this andrew god, I'm going to hang on, you know. And left to my own devices, Lenny promised me that I can do nothing. I get into that state and it just blows. It escalates by like nothing you've ever seen in your life. And I went on this little day long retreat thing to Sedona, Arizona a couple days ago and I wrote an inventory and I was looking at all these defects of character, not just that one but that was at the top of the list. And I'm looking at these defects and I'm looking at the defect of anger and I'm seeing how it damages my children. And I'm looking at the defect of jealousy and I'm seeing how it gets in the way of the relationship that I have with my husband. And I look at the defect of gossip and character assassination and jealousy. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to die. And I look at all these things that I've been through, and I'm thinking about my family and all of these things that I've been through. And I can't look in the mirror anymore. You know what I mean? That's not who I got sober to be. And if you're new in here, I want you to know more than anything, you can absolutely have anything, do anything, and be anything that you want. And alcohol is synonymous if you don't pick up a drink a day at a time and you're with the steps. The nifty thing is there's so much more. I'm running out of time. I was willing. We need 17 birthdays in the long form of the traditions, because I can't talk this long. But I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep going. Okay. I'm not done. You know, the steps have set me free. They have absolutely saved my life and fixed everything about me that I thought was broken. And I can finally say it. 21 years sober, I can look in the mirror and realize, like, I'm okay. You know, the neatest thing happened a couple years ago is thinking about that little boy. And I've been struggling with this relationship with God. I'm trying to define and comprehend it like the big book tells me I can't. Because that's what I do. And I was thinking about this little boy that I have. He's 18. He wasn't then. But he's delayed entry in the Navy now. He's going to go be a SWCC member. He's going to be a member of the special boats team in the Navy, special forces. And he's leaving in September. And I'm thinking about this little boy that God gave me when I had a couple years sober. And I was like, I'd die for him. I would do anything for him. I would do anything to give him anything he would want. I love this kid. I love this kid till it hurts me. And I realize, like, I have a God that loves me just like that. And that's as deep as it has to go for me. I don't have to define and comprehend and figure out where he's at, what he's wearing, is it a boy, is it a girl. You know, it doesn't matter for me. I have a relationship with a power greater than myself because you guys gave it to me. And I believe wholeheartedly in the God of my own understanding today because I see him work every single day in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I believe wholeheartedly in the God of my own understanding today because I see him work every single day in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. When one of us pens in here so broken that we can't look each other in the face anymore. And we think we're discardable and unlovable. And if that's new, if that's you here, new tonight, I want you to know that you don't ever have to feel like that again for the rest of your life, a day at a time, either. Just do these simple things. The traditions bring us all together so that while we're working the steps and we're looking at our own stuff, we can come together and be one in here with you guys. And, you know, I love the second forward. The second forward in the big book that talks about the adolescent period of Alcoholics Anonymous, when we're ready to tear each other apart because we're getting into all this other stuff and we have no traditions. Those things right there unite us. And where else can a bunch of people who normally wouldn't mix come in here and save each other's lives? That's what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. We give each other life back in here. And the greatest thing for me to know is I'm no better than, I'm no worse than, I'm no different than. It doesn't matter if I have a day or 21 years. I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and that's all I ever want to be. Thanks for letting me care.