Self-Delusion Is Just Being Stuck on Stupid – Angie D.

I'm Angie, and I am an alcoholic. I'd like to thank Bob for inviting me to come. Lower the mic, Angie. Yes, Clancy. I am no longer from Blythe, and I'm no longer from Fountain Valley. I am from Beaumont. I've been trying to run away from asthma, and like alcoholism, it keeps following me wherever I go. I'd like to thank whoever it was that sat me next to Clancy. It really is a blessing because, you see, when I sit next to CLANCY, I feel the presence of Mary Reagan between us. And I know Mary Reagan loved Clancy just as I loved Mary Reagan. And so whenever I am with Clancy, I feel her presence. I often ask her, why Mary? He seems to be so sarcastic and caustic. And she said, there's another side to Clancy where he's very gentle and very loving and very soft. And you see, that's the part of the side of Clancy that I see today. And that's why I love to be next to Cl fancy because I love Mary Reagan. I had several sponsors before Mary Reagan, but she was the only sponsor that I ever had that was louder than my head. And that takes a lot of... I don't think I need to go to the third step. Kathy stole my thunder here. I'm going through the third steps. I've been working with a new one that's got like 62 days, and she asked me to be her sponsor. I told Susan to quit telling everybody I was a good sponsor. And I said, I don't like working with new ones because they're too high maintenance. I said the only people I work with is those that are going to do everything I tell them or I don' t want to be bothered. I'm too busy. and she says well all I want is somebody to take me to the steps I said ok but I'm not going to sponsor you I'll interview you for a month and if you behave I may sponsor you so I send her off to read the book I said go on to the doctor's opinion and find the hopelessness of our disease and don't come with a book report if I want a book rapport I'll go read it myself and I think I talked to her in that language I don't believe in cuddling newcomers I believe in just telling them how bad it is right up front so then when she finished that I said okay go to Bill's story and find the helplessness and so she came and I said no book report and I was amazed I said well I guess I'll sponsor you as long as you're doing what I'm telling you and so I said now go to there is a solution and find the hope and then I thought about what am I going to tell her about chapter 3 and I said I don't want to tell her about insanity because she already thinks she's nuts and all she she's been to people that tell her she's not and they send her home with a bag of pills because she's bipolar I think we're all I think we're tripolar There's a poll in between there If you happen to have A good enough sponsor They got to lasso you in As you go up or down So I told her Just go find the stupidity of our disease You know Chapter 3 is full of Stupidity I think it's called insanity But I think And self-delusion is being stuck on stupid. That's how self- delusion is. My truth, that's my stuck on stupid. So then I said now chapter 4 you go find that there is a God and you're not it. So you know that's where we're at now and I'm going to start taking her through step 3 which is really really where I found my higher power. And what I do here this morning is nothing more than or nothing less than what I did with the women that I sponsored, is I give them my perception of what happens in these steps. I want to be one of those want-to-be know-it-all on the third step. But there isn't any chapter or any book written as Angie sees it. So I'll try to stay pretty close to the book because there are those that probably are much more good at that. But I want to tell you that Sandy touched a little bit on the open-mindedness that came to me on the A, Bs and Cs where it says that God could and would if he were sought. I heard Chuck C. a long time ago say that the reason that we can't find God is because he's not lost. And I've often wondered, what is it that's lost? It's that I've been lost in my head. I've be lost in all of the looking for answers in all the wrong places. But it says God could and would if he were sought. It doesn't say God could and would if he were found. Because someplace along the line in seeking God, God touched me. And it happened to me in chapter 3, in step 3, where it says we are being convinced. I have to be able to measure this because I was always told things like, how do you get over this? How do you do that? and they'd say dumb things like, turn it over. And I didn't know what that meant, but it says, just turn it over to God. But I don't know if you hear it like I am, but as soon as I want to turn something over to some, to God, it sticks like glue. It's always there. I can't seem to get rid of it. I take ten showers, it ain't gone. There it is. Thinking about it all the time. Turning it over all the times. Junkie, junkie, junkie. So I have to be able to measure stuff. And here it says, being convinced we were at step three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood him. It says just what do we do? What do we mean by that and what do We do? It says the first requirement is that We be convinced that any life lived on self-will can hardly be a success. Why? Because on that basis, we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Now, I am familiar with that, trying to always force people to do it my way. And so I can measure when I'm in self-will, when I're in collision, with other people. It says each person is like the actor that wants to run the whole show. It doesn't say each person has like the director that wants the run the old show. Each person is like an actor, and I can imagine. I'm always the star of my show, right? Mary Reagan used to tell me self-centeredness doesn't mean you feel highly of yourself. It just means you think of yourself only. You know, that really, she'd stab me. I'd still feel the dagger. And so it's like I'm standing there trying to make everybody do the things that I want him to do because I want to be happy. I think I can wrestle satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I only manage well. And any time that I'm not successful at it, I have to try harder. And he talks about the many things that we try to do. We try to be sweet, loving, and kind, gentle, or else we try self-sacrificing. I'm not very good at the self-sacrificing part, but I sure know about the egotistic and mean. Because I'll tell you, I'm like the little kid. I heard somebody once say, that kid must be an alcoholic. He's acting like an alcoholic, he's throwing a tantrum. And I thought, no, he is acting like a kid. I act like him. That's what it is. Selfish, on the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish, dishonest. But with most humans, we have varied traits. It says what usually happens, the show doesn't turn out well. And what happens is that then I go back and try harder, and I try harder over and over andover and over again. And it don't work. And what happened here, admitting he may be somewhat at fault. He's sure other people are more to blame. And he becomes angry. How dare they? Indignant. How dare them? After all I've done for them, this is the payoff that I get. And then comes the one, my favorite, what's the use? What's the Use? Self-pity. I might as well even try because they're not doing it my way anyway. And it goes on to say, what is his basic trouble? Is he not a victim of the delusion, the stupid, okay, that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well. Try harder and harder, and them people don't want to do it. The worst part about self-delusion is everybody can see that that's what I want, and so therefore they try to do It Their Way too. No wonder all them husbands that I had didn't behave. No matter how much I tried to kill them, they still wouldn't behave, So, Richard is the first husband I didn't try to kill. Richard and I are both dedicated to making me happy. The other day, the other day I went up to him and I said, Richard, somebody came and stole my hands and left these old ones behind. and he grabbed my hand and he said I love those hands and I will take care of them forever you see what a precious man that God has placed here for us to walk together we've been married 25 years I mean that's about 50 for normal people some of those women would ask me some of those women would ask me how do you have a good relationship I'd say beat the shit out of me I know how to screw one up I know how to destroy one but this is one case where God does for me what I cannot do for myself I think it's I'm too busy with all them women dribble because they all got dribble whatever little bit is left for Richard more than enough it goes on to say our actor now it says he's not even in his best moment a producer of confusion rather than harmony our actor is self-centered and I'm going to go down to page 62 where Kathy just read it says selfishness self-centredness that we think is the root of our problems The root, meaning the very fundamental of my problems, is selfishness and self-centeredness. I know what selfish means. It means I ain't giving it to you. You ain't getting it from me. I don't care what it is. You ain'T getting it. If it's mine, mine. Mine is mine. And sometimes yours is mine, if I can get away with it. I think that's called selfish. And again, I explained to you what self-centered was. It's like it ain't much, but I'm all I got. And I may not be much, but I am all I think about. That we think driven by a hundred forms of fear. What kind of fears do all call you? The twelve and twelve says we're afraid of losing something we have or fear of not getting something we want. And they are doors that open up and will have a bunch of defects of character. If I open up the door, the fear of not getting something, then I become a thief. Then I become envious and jealous of whatever you have and try to get it from you and try to take it away. I'm always the type of person that never has enough. I can sit right next to playing on a slot machine all day and somebody will sit in the one next, put two quarters in and won $500,000. Pisses me off. I mean, And I just don't care for that because a selfishness is what I'm about. And self-centeredness is I want it all for myself. It's driven by a hundred forms of fear, the fear that I won't get something I want or lose something I have. I become possessive. I become jealous. I become accusing. I become a stalker. I know that I'm not enough. So I look to see how they're doing and who they're dealing with. with when they're not with me, you know. So all these are fears of losing somebody I have. Then it also has a hundred forms of self-delusion, a hundred form of old ideas that I think that could work, that's stuck on stupid, goes over in so many areas. It's amazing. Check over your life. You remember your inventories? It all shows up there. Amazing. A hundred forms of self-seeking. I wondered what is self- Seeking? It's the opposite of selfish. Self-seekings is when you don't give me everything you got. If you don' t give it to me, I'll go take it from you if I can. That's why they put me in jail as a child for burglary. I really wasn't trying to be a bad person. I just didn't have anything. So I thought I'd take it form you. I still would be stealing except Mary Reagan ruined it for me. I used to speak and take ashtrays for souvenirs, and one time we went on a sober sailor's cruise and I put the napkin in my purse and she said, what are you doing? I says, I'm taking the napking for souvenir. She said, that's not yours, that stealing. I said, I am not stealing and I got a house full of ashtray where I've been speaking. The silence was deafening I don't know if any of you knew Duffy I know some of you know Duffy big burly Duffy with a deep voice he didn't scare anybody he said Mary everybody takes ashtrays she said you shut up and he did she finally looked at me and she said I don' t know about you Angie but my integrity is sure worth more than an ashtray I'm still gagging over that one Mary Reagan was the type of a sponsor that taught me how to get the words out of this book and apply them in my life I knew how to work the steps I knew how to take the steps I knew how to do all this reading I just didn't know how to live it I just didn't know how to put it in every day, mundane living. And she taught me how to do that. And I hope to God that I am able to in some way do that to the people that come to me for guidance. And I did it. And she led me with a very, well, she said she was taught by the nuns, taught by Hitler. And then Clancy was her sponsor. So, you know, she just didn't treat me with very gentle, smooth gloves. She'd hit me with two-by-four between my eyes to get my attention. and that's the way it was and that is the way it had to be in order for me to learn that selfish fear self-delusion self-seeking and the self-pity of the frustration of doing it over and over and failing over and over and over again so as we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate I never thought that I stepped on anybody's toes I always felt like like they did it to me And they really did do it to me because they wouldn't give me what I wanted. They did it to be. I mean, I didn't care whether I did anything bad to them. They deserved it because vindictiveness is my favorite character defect. And greed and vindictiness take their turn in there. And I got over trying to get rid of them. They just come to stay. When I asked God to remove them, he said, What an order, I can't go through with that. It goes on to say, so our troubles we think are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves. And the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Can you imagine a riot in a prison? A riot sitting there saying, wow, this is sure a beautiful day. The sun's shining, I'm resting here, and everything's wonderful. Well, there's shootings and guns and all this stuff. That's the way it is with alcoholics. Self will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. If it's a good idea, it must be the one I thought. It says above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. I have heard people saying, this is a selfish program. I don't know what book they're reading. Mine says above everything we alcoholics must be rid of the selfishness. We must or it kills us. It's a killer. Selfishness is a killer, I must be read of this selfishness, it says, and God makes it possible. You see, by this time, I got a God. I found that God in chapter 4, like Sandy was talking about last night. And we agnostic that there is a God and I'm not it. You see, but in this chapter, in this step 3, is where I got to know God. It says, and there sometimes, and There often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid. It says many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore. But we could not live up to him, even though we would have liked. I knew the difference between right and wrong. I knew my standards were always high. I just didn't know the difference between getting from here to there. And I tried so hard. I prayed. I went to church. I've been sprayed with water. I've done dunking water. I've had rose petals thrown at me. I've being saved so many times over and over and over again. Go home and get unsaved. Go back to drinking. The only thing that kept me from being bipolar. Take enough speed you get above your depression. Take enough downers you get from spinning out. But alcohol keeps you in that middle pole until they don't work. Then you got to have a sponsor with a lasso it says neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing on our own will on our only will on our power we have to have God's help I was wondering why is selfishness you got to get rid of but not self-centredness I mean what's he talking about here I don't know what Bill was talking about he didn't come and tell me what he's talking he ain't come and told me yet So I just make it up as I go along. And so what I figured out is that self-centeredness was grounded, meant to be the basic instinct of life, life to be alive. And if all the self-centredness was removed, there wouldn't be that instinct to live. But it has been so magnified, so out of proportion, that it needs to be reduced. and says we had to have God's help. I couldn't do it. I thought I had a running monologue with God, and I found out that monologue is not telling God what you need. It's a whole different thing. And then it goes down. I think that the third step is in the bottom of page 62. I think the three surrenders of step three are in the bottom, in the last paragraph of page 62. It says here is how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. What's playing God is to make the decisions of what's best for me and others. What to determine what is best for them and for me. This is where I found out that their life is none of my business because I don't know what their life should go through. Them, I mean my daughters, my husband. I do it all the time except when I don t. Sometimes I just got to give him a few handy hints. I told Lorraine one time, Oh, you don't have to listen to me when I tell you all that mother crap. She said, Don't worry, Mom, I don te. the first surrender is next we decided we decided that hereafter here, today hereafter because guilt and regret living yesterday and fear lives in tomorrow but today is the here, the here the present, the now this is where God directs my life today, hereafter in this drama of life it's great that they put drama because I've always been into high drama anything we're doing is worth doing in high drama never mind mediocre I like high drama I got asthma, I got bad asthma I got old age, I get bad old age you know all this Never mind this wishy-washy dribble. The first surrender that God was going to direct my life today. The next surrender is that he is a principal, and we are his agents. I will use we and me and you. It's a no-win situation, isn't it? If I say you, I'm teaching you. If I say we, you're going to think there's more of me in there or a mouse in my pocket. And if I say I, I'm going to be self-centered. So forget it. I'm not going to use all of them. He is a principal and we are his agents. So if your life is none of my business and my life is non of my business, well, what is my business? My business is to be about my father's business as his agent. I do it all in the name of the Father. I don't do it in my name, because if I do something for you in my nome, I'm going to expect something from you, at least a thank you or gifts or money or stuff. But if I, if I don' t do it for you, if I did it in the Name of the father and you don't appreciate it, I don''t care. I can do it fo ryou anyway. Ha ha ha. And the third surrender is that he is a father and we are his children. What does that mean to me? And that means that what's the point? I know that my own will come to me. I knowthat God will take care of me. Who brought Richard into my life? Sometimes I get scared that he's going to go, And then I think somebody else will step up to the plate because I'm lazy. God knows I don't like taking care of myself. And I know Jennifer wants to take care of me. I'll let Jennifer take care on me. If not Jennifer, somebody else, because it ain't going to be Lorraine. I have to takecare of Lorraine, she's an old woman. Keep my mouth shut, but I mean it. I want to tell her you know, I tell the people that I sponsor not to fight with their spouses don't fight with them keep your mouth shut next time I see you I want you to have a bloody mouth from biting your tongue I do ask them if I don't tell them that because you see their life should be about the father's business Why should I worry if God's going to take care of me? It says here, he will provide what we need if we stay close to him. It says most guided ideas are simple in this concept. And I thought about concept. And concept is a new idea different from an old idea. Concept was a keystone, the very fundamental of the new and triumphant arch through which we pass to freedom. And somebody once told me, when can you tell when God has touched you? And I say, someplace along the way, someplace between now and 12, I have been touched. I have being allowed to touch a thread on my father's garment and for that, that is the most special thing That I have a gift that I have been given. Because the promises of step three are on the top of page 63. It says, when we sincerely took such a position, what position is that? That God was going to direct my life. That he was going be the principal and I was going being his agent. He is my father and I'm his child. When we sincerely took such a position, it says all sorts of remarkable things follow. Remarkable being my inside of me, the attitude, the way that I perceive life, the way I perceive you, theway I perceive me. That my prayer today is always keep me little that I may serve you best. It says being all power. We had a new employer, being all powerful. He provided what we needed if, there's always an if in it, if we stayed close to him and performed his work well. How do I stay close to God? I stay closer to God by talking to God, by asking him how can I best serve you in this situation with this person, how can i best serve him? And think, think about the stuff that I read, think about this chapter, think of spiritual things, Think about when there's speakers that are geared. Think about that, and it opens up a whole new world to me that it changes me. And it says he provided what we needed if we stayed close to him and performed his work well. And because I take many things out of context, the way that I see is that over and over again in this book, Bill gives the problem and the solution. And one of the things that I found in page 77, and I found it many times, and it made an impact on me when it says our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be a maximum service to God and the people about us. Fit myself means doing something that doesn't come easy and isn't natural for me. Fit myself is to bite my tongue when I really want to rip you off, when I really want to let into you. Because, you see, I don't like how that feels after I do that. It's to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. And it also tells me how to pray. It talks about it in page 85, in the middle of the prayer graph, where it says every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. now I've often thought what is God's will but here it gets ready to tell me how can I best serve thee thy will not mine be done these are thoughts which must go with us constantly we can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish it is a proper use of the will and that's what I try attempt to do with my life most of the time I pray how can i best serve thee. How can I best serve thee? Thy will not mine be done. And it is in that way that when I have done this, that I'm not so impressed with me. I'm impressed with God, what God has wrought. The mansions that he has built out of rotten wood. The fact that he makes chicken salad out of chicken shit and writes straight lines with crooked pencils. Writes straight lines with crooked pencils. And when I do this, when I keep my eye on this, this is what happens. When I'm back to we had a new employer being all powerful. He provided what we needed. If we kept close to him and performed his work well. It's as established on such a footing. Since when I do this often enough, we became less and less interested That in our little selves, our little plans and designs. I heard Clancy one time say, you build something and the other shrinks. And that is exactly what has happened to me with this. The more I keep my eye upon the higher power and the service, the service in his name, then less and less I have become interested in my little plans and designs, you know, that I have been. This is where I felt happy, joyous, and free. He says, more and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life as we felt new power flow in. You see, that higher power that was not lost, I have finally somehow or another been open enough to accept the flowing in of this power. As we enjoyed peace of mind, peace of mind. As we discovered we could face life successfully. As they became conscious of his presence. We began to lose our fear of today and tomorrow and the hereafter. I've often wondered about happiness and joy looking forward in all this as Sandy was talking all these material things that doesn't have it to give. And I figured out that happiness, joy, and peace are byproducts. They couldn't be gotten by going after them because that's not where they live. They are the byproduct. They are side effects of doing the work. The play is a thing, isn't it? The work is the thing here. The father's business. Be about my father's business. That's the work. As long as I fit myself and stay little enough, whenever the big me wants to come up, I can feel it coming up and say, don't you know who I am type of stuff? Who cares? The only one that matters is really my higher power. And Richard I love Richard didn't go he usually takes off when I'm going to talk because he can hear me anytime he wants in fact he can't hear me when he don't want as we became conscious of his presence we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow and the hereafter we were reborn and so it is and so it has been and that is why you and I can walk happy joyous and free thank you