Sat in the Half-Measure Section and Let a Sponsor Make the Twelve Steps Come Alive — Hashis M.

Hi, everybody. My name is Hashish, and I am an alcoholic. Hi, Hashish. My sobriety date is February the 9th, 1993. And I have a sponsor. Her name is Dot. I am eternally grateful. I get to speak for about 35 minutes or so. I'm trying to get my thoughts together, and it's a little bit hard, and I always think that this should get a little bit easier with time. And it never, ever does. You know, and the miracle for me truly is the fact that I get to stand up here, and hopefully I don't pass out, and I can get through this. And if you can relate to something that I say, that's great. And if you can't, please keep coming back until you hear your story. Someone tell your story, because someone will. With those things, I'll just very quickly tell you a little bit of what I was like, what happened, and what I am like now. Unless you didn't get that, my name is Hashish. I come from... Hippie parents. Very young. I do have a half-sister named Crystal, also. So, you can see someone's progression in there. Not mine, but someone else's in my family. My parents were very young when they had us, and it was me and my sister. We were only 11 months apart. I'm Puerto Rican. I was raised, born and raised in Puerto Rico. And that matters, eventually. You know, and... The things that I can say about, you know, in my family, there's alcoholism on both sides. It's not what makes me an alcoholic, but I can tell you that I was very, very aware from a very early age, and very early on. I was always embarrassed. I was ashamed. My family, my mouth is dry. My grandfather, he was always en la esquina caliente, which is a hot corner. And he was always bumming little, you know, quarters for drinks. And my dad was always drinking. You know, and today, because and through Alcoholics Anonymous, what I know is that my childhood was, you know, not as bad as them, and it was worse than it should have been in some other respects, you know. Thank you. And my family, my mom's side of the family. It was a lot of fun. They were young. They were young, boisterous, loud, a lot of them. They loved to party. And alcohol has always been in our family. My dad's side of the family was all about secrets. And there's, everybody there suffers from something, some kind of mental illness, some kind of physical illness. When, as we were growing up, what I can tell you is that, you know, from the time that I came, as far back as I can remember. And very... Very early on. I'm not really quite sure why. I just never really felt like... I've always been uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Never really quite fit in. Never knew... Didn't know quite how to verbalize that, nor why it was that way. I just saw everybody else having a good time when I wanted to be in a corner upstairs and just, you know, covering my ears while everybody's having a good time. I have found that crowds are very overwhelming. Being with people has been excruciatingly painful at times. And not really ever quite fitting anywhere. My sister, on the other hand, she was 11 months younger. She was just very, very sweet. Very outgoing. Very... Everything that I wasn't. So, what I... You know, growing up, our parents... You know, and my relationship with my sister is very important in terms of we moved a lot. We moved a lot. And... Um... Because of my dad's... What I understand today was my dad's alcoholism and the geographic, you know. And we would be living in... You know, we went to... From Puerto Rico to the U.S. So, kindergarten was in the U.S. And this is why it matters. Because early on, I knew that I didn't fit. I was different. I didn't understand people when they were talking. I didn't understand what was being said. And I was confused a lot, you know. And that didn't feel good. And we would go to bed up in Michigan and we'd wake up. And we would be on... On our way to Miami, you know. Just to move. Because it just... You know, there was a fight. There was something. Whatever happened. To go back up to New York, you know. To... He took us away from my mom and took us to Puerto Rico, you know. So, this was like... This is the kind of stuff that would happen. Violence erupted quite often and frequently at gatherings, you know. And my parents took us everywhere with them. And, you know, I was the kind of kid that kind of made up stories also in my head. I don't know why. I don't know why I felt the need to do that. But in my mind, my parents were not really my parents. They were my siblings. My parents were dead, you know. I lied very early on. If you asked me what my name was, it was not Hashish. If I was in Puerto Rico, it might have been Maria. If I was in New York, it might have been Diana. I don't know. And those were very, very common things, you know. At five, six years old, you know, I took a bottle of baby pills, you know. I didn't know how to do them. I just did it, you know. And I can tell you that I've never really wanted to be here, you know. I just, I've never really wanted to, for lack of a better word, be born. And I even went so far as to tell my mom that, you know, one time. And I told her I was her problem, you know, since she had me. And I was the kind of person, the kind of alcoholic, the kind of kid that I was, you know. Being with my sister, as I was saying, you know, it was a very good relationship. Because we moved a lot. I already had a hard time relating with other people. So she was the person that was with me all the time. And I would say things like, I was eating something I shouldn't have been eating. I swallowed it. You know, I've been warned a thousand times not to eat that. Because if you swallowed it, you could, you know, choke and die. So I eat it. I swallow it. I lay down to die. I tell my sister, don't tell mom and dad. We're driving in the front seat of the car. And she doesn't. She just watches over me, you know. And I wanted, you know, later on in life, it was me running away. And I wanted to go with a drug dealer. And she didn't want me to go by myself. So she went with me, you know. And those are the things. And yet, when trouble erupted, because I tend to be quiet and more reserved until a little bit later on, when there was a problem, she was the one that was acting out. She was the one that got shipped off. She was the one that went to, my mom said, you know, you need some rehab. So she went to South Georgia. She was gone for 20-something months. And this came a little bit later on. And we moved here, by the way, to Georgia when I was 12. And this was a huge turning point for me, you know, backtracking a little bit. Because for me— Like I said, alcohol has always been in my family. We celebrate everything. I could be six years old, hopping out of the car, going over there, asking for the beer, hopping back in the car, giving it to my dad in the front seat. That was normal. Being at the beach was normal. You can just go. It's just a normal way of life. So I know that it wasn't an issue. I didn't think about drinking one way or the other. Other than that, my dad got in accidents a lot, and he was always unpredictable. But a little bit later on, we moved over here because my parents were getting divorced, and my dad was threatening my mom. So we came to live here for a year. That was like 1985. I'm still here. But that was a turning point for me because that's where my alcohol, for me, there was a perfect trifecta, puberty, depression, and alcoholism. It was just the perfect environment for me. And this was the point where, after being in Puerto Rico for a long time, I went to school here when I had first day of school. And for a very long time, I would come home crying because, again, I didn't fit in. I didn't understand Southern English. I had no idea what was going on. And I felt very lost. And I resented my mom for taking me away because even though that environment over there was not safe, not sane, it was unpredictable, it was one that I knew, and it was where I wanted to be. And at least there was some comfort in that. And being over here was not what I wanted. And that was the point that my alcohol and alcoholism took off. With those things, I can tell you that I was shipped back to Puerto Rico. And that, for me, and what I can tell you about alcohol and what it does for me, and this is what makes me an alcoholic. This is. This is what made me fall in love with alcohol. It was, you know, taking that drink, taking the next one and the next one and the next one and the next one until I blacked out. And it was instant, total, and utter relief. There was no more thinking. There was no more feeling. There was no more having to make decisions. It was just, I didn't have to care anymore. And for me, that's what my drinking. Yeah, I've been a blackout drinker from the very first go. I didn't know that's what it was called. To me, waking up in other places and the last time I remember just meant that I fell asleep somewhere along the way. And that started out a pattern for me, you know, drinking as often as I could, wherever I could. And I had that one friend. That was all I needed was the one friend that had the parents that traveled. And that's what I would do. And for me, my alcoholism was quick, was rapid decline. As I said, you know, anything that got in the way of that feeling of taking me out of right here, right now, to just calm me down, to take me out, was not anything that I was interested in. So cocaine just kept me up and kept me awake. Not interested. Not interested. You know, doing acid, not interested. It kept me present, kept me there, and seeing other stuff, not okay. Whatever it was, whatever it was that I was doing at that moment, whatever drugs, whatever anything else that interfered with that feeling for me of blacking out, because that was the ultimate goal. I was not interested in partying, socializing, being awake, staying awake, being with you, being with anybody else. That was not the goal for me. And that worked. That worked. I'm very innovative. I'm a little bit too comfortable by myself and alone. And that's sometimes a problem today. But for me, that was nothing that got in. And I found people, and my jobs were all conducive for that. So it was working at a hotel, and it didn't take long for consequences to begin. You know, the first time I landed in jail, I said I wouldn't be back again. And needless to say, I was back several times. I was in front of the same judge over and over and over and over again. Before, since I ran away when I was about 15. And my alcoholism just continued to get in the way of other things. I was very functional. I was a functioning alcoholic. For me, it was always about having a couple jobs. One, to pay the bills. And one, to drink. Later on, it was about paying the attorneys and being able to continue to drink. And for me, it was, I can tell you that there was a time and a period in my life that there's a lot of things I don't remember. It's very foggy. It's very hard to remember. I still, even today, I've been sober for over 25 years. And somebody comes up to me, and they're like, oh, hey, you know, with my name, there's very little anonymity, by the way. It creates a problem at times when somebody comes up to me, and they remember me. And I just don't, you know, it just panics me, you know. For me, it was alcoholism and my alcohol use took me places that I shouldn't have been doing things I shouldn't have been doing with people I shouldn't have been doing them with. And I can tell you that a lot. A lot happened that was, that I knew was wrong, and that simply piled on the shame, you know. And there was nothing I could do about it. It didn't matter that I didn't want to live that way. It didn't matter that I knew better. It didn't matter that I did everything within my willpower to avoid these situations, these places, these people. I just always found myself in a worse situation than the last, you know. And, you know, in alcoholism, for me, it was very degrading because I was young, the things that I had to do in order to get what I needed was always a little touch and go, and I didn't really have much of a choice in that matter. And even if I, you know, it just didn't matter. I would justify it some way, somehow. Having been to jail a few times, I never called my mom. I have to tell you that I think I told you already that my mom sent my sister. I need to stop. Sent my sister off, shipped her off because she was getting in trouble. And later on, she came back home. And during that time, those 20-something months, we couldn't see her, like, for the first nine months or so. But something happened. This is somebody that I had lived with, that we had been to the same places, ate the same things. We had even done some of the same people. We had the same parents. We had done a lot of things together. And what I can tell you is that she started looking very different. She started acting very different. And when I went to go see her, it was very painful. And as part of her recovery, we had to go to Al-Anon. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with Al-Anon because it's a program that it serves many people and many families very well. However, for me, being an untreated alcoholic in the throes of my alcoholism, going to Al-Anon, made me absolutely enraged. It absolutely was painful. It was horrible. And I kept getting angrier and angrier and angrier and angrier. By the time that my sister came back home, she was a completely different person. And during that time, my life looked very different from hers. Hers was coming together. Mine was falling apart. I was falling apart. And... Um... She just kept saying... You know, so she came to AA. And she got a sponsor. That lady ended up... After a year, my sister said, You know what? I'm good. I'm good. I don't need to drink. I don't... I don't need AA. And, um... I just need to smoke pot every once in a while on the site. So she was good. And you know what? She didn't drink. She didn't have problems. She was fine. Um... For me, when the time came, and as my alcoholism... That's getting worse. I can tell you that she was the one that was picking me up. Um... Because I was sleeping in cars, not having a place to stay. I was no home, per se. But she would always have me, um... Come back and live with her. So, um... Eventually, by the time... The last time that, um... I got out of jail, I'd been in jail for about four months. I never called home. My mom said, Don't call me. Yeah. Um... And, uh... You got yourself in there, you can get yourself out. And I didn't call her to bail me out any of those times. And I don't know why I got bailed out, but, you know, I did call him a couple times. That was good for it. I paid back. But, um... What I can tell you is that that last time that, as my alcoholism progressed, you know, and that last time that I was... that I got out, the holidays, it was somewhere around October, November, and I said, Of course, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna drink. I'm not gonna drink. You know? And that utter inability to stay away from alcohol was what broke me down. You know, I just... I could not stay away from it. I couldn't die. I kept coming to. And to me, that was the worst pain. That was the worst thing, was to come to and find out that I was still awake. To come to and find out that I was coming to in jail or in the back of a... you know, police car or somewhere else that I shouldn't have been in. I was working this last time and I knew that, you know, I told some... I was with my boyfriend at the time that I wasn't gonna... I wasn't gonna drink anymore. And, of course, I drank. And he said, I thought you weren't gonna drink. And, you know, the fight goes on. And so, um... For me, it was just my utter inability to stay away from it. And I remember thinking, if I get stopped right now, I'm gonna go back to jail. And this time, I'm not gonna get out for quite a while. Well, longer. A few years. Because the judge had already told me that. And so, I called my mom at that time and I told her that I needed help. And, you know, the greatest thing that my mom did for me at that time was tell me, I'm sorry, baby, but I can't help you. You know? But I know somebody that can. And she gave me the number of somebody that... in Alcoholics Anonymous. It was my sister's... first sponsor. The only sponsor that she had. You know, and, um... I have to say, and I mean, I have a lot of different thoughts, but I wanted to, for me, what I have to remind myself often is that God knew what I needed before I needed it. I knew that I needed to come to AA. I knew I was gonna be sent to AA. I never knew that I had the ability to stay sober because I tried that. And the only time I was sober was when I was in jail. And there was actually a relief to being in jail at times because I did okay in a contained environment where someone told me what to do, where to go, when to eat, and knowing that I did not have access to alcohol. You know? And there was relief in that. For me, the fear, the, um... the, um... the anguish that I would come to on the wrong side of the road seeing the fact that I just ran somebody off the road and then pulling into a neighborhood and passing out as I hear the sirens. You know? And not knowing what happened. This was a common occurrence for me. Drinking and driving was very, very something I liked to do a lot. And, um... it was a problem. You know? I only got caught about three times. You know? But there were many more times than that. And so, um... for me, that was... that was the point that I'd been coming to AA and, as a matter of fact, to this room because I was working right down the road and, um... I was lucky enough to... I didn't feel up at a job the first day of the job because I was in jail at a DUI but I came... I bailed out and showed up afterwards. And, um... you know, Secretary's Day was going to be like a week or two later and they actually got me my first attorney. Um... and that was great. Um... and it was that attorney that was down the road that also carried the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to me. And for that, I'm profoundly grateful um... as well. And I came to this room, you know, way before I ever got sober, way before I ever thought I needed Alcoholics Anonymous and way before I ever thought I wanted what you had. Um... I like to sit in the half-measure section. I still do. Somewhere close to the door back there. Um... right there. Um... and, um... I came here because I knew that the judge was going to tell me I needed to come and I wanted to tell him that I was already going. Um... in the meantime, I was doing, like, the marijuana maintenance program. I was, you know, taking pills. I was doing a lot of other stuff to just not drink. But the reality is that I don't like anything else except to drink. So, everything always led me back to that drink. And, um... this last time after I told that to my mom and I called this lady and she said meet me at the, at the, uh... at a meeting, um... I did. And it was, for me, it was magic at that moment. You know, um... for me, it was the magic and sponsorship continues to be um... a cornerstone of my sobriety. So incredibly important because it was what brought me and made the 12 steps come alive. It was what introduced me to the traditions. It was what introduced me to the fellowship. It was what introduced me to sobriety and to another way of living and thinking. I could not have done that on my own. Um... my best thinking, I could not have come up with it. I came here very young. I was 20 years old. I thought I was gonna not live to be 21. So, you can imagine my surprise when I just turned 46, you know, and I'm like, oh, what do people my age do? I don't know. Um... but, you know, and that's that's the beauty of this program, what it has allowed me to do in the life that it has given me and to be a part of. You know, um... I have friendships that from the very beginning since I got here. I have... I can tell you that I've, you know, somehow, um... managed to raise two girls and one of them just turned 18 and that blows my mind. You know, I have absolutely lived through some of the pain that I put my mom through and I'm profoundly grateful for what she's done um... and for what Alcoholics Anonymous and the direction that I get here. I can tell you that I've been living in the same house for 15 years. I have only had a handful of, uh... home groups and two of those were in the last 15 years that I started with another member and, um... I've been married to the same man for 20 years and all of that that Alcoholics Anonymous has given me it just... for someone like me who has always wanted to run away, never put roots down, never want to and has a problem relating to other people, I have friendships and a community about me today and, you know, sobriety has been incredibly painful at times, you know, and that's just a true... but I find that getting sober was way, way harder and, um... I can tell you that after I got sober, um... I didn't know what to do with myself so I would walk around Walmart all hours of the night, pack a buggy up really tall and then I'd leave it at the front door and walk out because I didn't know what to do. Um... I would just drive and drive and drive and drive recklessly, you know, because I was desperately wanting for something to happen and, you know, just to die, you know. I can tell you that I would go to my sister's house and because she's the only one that allowed me to do this, I would just go over there to pick a fight and just get into a fight. I was living someplace that allowed me to stay there and they were dealing drugs and they were doing drugs and my sponsor said, you can stay sober no matter what and no matter who and no matter your circumstances. Job or no job, family or no family, you can stay sober no matter what. And, uh, she would have me read the book and that would help me go to sleep and I am very, very grateful for the people that stayed up very late with me for a long time and, you know, I just, I didn't know what to do with myself. As a matter of fact, I had a professor because I tried to go back to school when I, uh, got sober and I was, I got diagnosed with a lot of stuff but I had a professor that asked me if I'd had a head injury and I told her not that I was aware of and nothing. But I just, I was that, you know, it was just that difficult. It was just that hard living, getting up, living this life for me has somehow not come easy and yet I know my circumstances have been worse than some and better than others, you know. It's just been very difficult and, um, after I got sober, I can tell you that, uh, um, a year after a year in, uh, in something, my sister got sick and, um, and she was given three months to live. She lasted six. And, um, and that was devastating for me. That was absolutely devastating. She was the only person that could not imagine. I had absolutely killed everybody in my mind and or everybody else had died except for her, you know, at one point or the other in my life. And so for me to have the person that seemed to be so full of life, joyful, always positive, always having fun, enjoying her life, to be, you know, stricken with cancer was very, very hard for me. And I was angry. That was my first experience. I was in a mental crisis and in sobriety, you know. I just, I could not understand why God would do something like that and how could he be so cruel to take her instead of me. And, um, you know, that took a while and I'm so grateful again for sponsorship. I'm grateful for service work. I'm grateful for the direction that I was given here. And you guys have got to be so profoundly grateful. The first time I told my story, I was two years sober and it was two months after my sister had passed away so I cried through the whole entire time and so did they. It was, it was, it was, I'm glad that passed. We all survived it. Um, but, you know, I just, what I can tell you is that, and my sister was, um, diagnosed in May. She passed away in December and, um, and I, I didn't understand a lot of things. Today, if I stay sober long enough when I'm looking for the blessings and the hand of God in my life, I can tell you that I have a child that was born in May and another one that was born in December and, um, you know, he's given me something to rejoice in, given me something back. you know, and that, that's been pretty amazing for me. Um, uh, my husband and I, he's also in AA in Alcoholics Anonymous and, uh, Boy Meets Girl on the AA campus, you know, that whole story and, um, so in our house it can be kind of interesting at times, you know. We don't know who's running the house, um, and, uh, because we all look like children running amok and, um, everybody seems to be trying to figure out what's going on. We can't figure it out and we've done well. We've been sick together. We have, we've done everything wrong except for take a drink and when I say everything, I mean everything, you know, and trying to, uh, anytime that I step away from this program, you know, and the longer that I'm here, the more I recognize that for me, for this alcoholic, the more I need you. Um, I know that alcoholism is well and alive and it can kill you whether you're drinking or not. Um, and that's been true in our home. Um, I can tell you that my husband ended up in a hospital double-digit sobriety, you know, and thankfully we got through that and, um, he's well, he's fine, he's in service, you know what I mean? So, God does restore, you know, restores us, restores our minds, restores our lives and, um, you know, for me, this is something that I am forever grateful and I am profoundly grateful to God to Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a debt that I can never pay back, um, but that I try on a daily basis and I know that today I have the ability to suit up and show up and I love the women that I sponsor, have sponsored because they have become my friends, you know? I'm grateful today that as painful as life gets, I have a higher power today that I can rely on and, again, it hasn't always been easy and life hasn't always been pleasant. It's messy and, you know, it's, and it's chaotic at times, um, but today I know that it's with purpose and it's still a very good life and, you know, today I want, today I'm actually thankful, you know, when I wake up in the morning and, uh, and again, for someone who's always wanted to get out and not be here to be a part of a community, to be a part of people's lives, um, to be able to vote, to be relied on, to, uh, be called on, to be trusted, those are very big deals. Um, and so, and, and with that I'm just going to close, you know, one of the promises in the 12 in 12 that we read and that we've been taught to read from the very beginning and we still read it at our home group, um, on every Thursday where it says, AA's 12 steps are a group of principles spiritual in their nature which if practiced as a way of life can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. And today I'm really grateful that that's my experience not just because you've gone ahead of me and you have shared that here, you know, meeting after meeting after meeting and I get to see that in you, but you've shown me the way that has become my experience and even when I lose my way I still have, I, I have those guardrails in place, you know, that bring me and keep me here because they're incredibly important and I have no idea if my kids will ever need this or somebody that they do will, but, um, I do know that they're thankful for the things that you've given them and, um, and that they know a different way of life. You know, I didn't know and recovery was not a part of our family but I can tell you that with my husband and I, you know, I mean, you can't deny the DNA but at least we get to leave a different legacy for our kids and so I really pray and hope for either my kids and or my friends' kids and anyone else that comes back that A, A will always remain the way that it is here and thank you for having me tonight. Bye. Thank you. B-L-E that you loved me but you gave me one match in gasoline it all was left but ashes I should have seen but I walked turned a good girl into one for the life I'm in here running from the fire and it's all because of you I've turned a good girl into one for the life and I'm running from the fire running from the fire and it's all because of you