Restraint of Tongue and Pen — the Part of Step 10 That Actually Brings Peace – Russell S.

my name is Russell S. i'm an alcoholic thank you very much cheap applause i like it so i haven't found this should have a drink nor have i had drinks since january 25th 25th 19 81 81 and uh saw him in my 46th year 46th year of sobriety uh this is like the trailer for how bad it's gonna be after this you know uh step six i'm gonna do i'm gonna do the best thank you first of all i want to get something straight which is probably the most important part of this meeting i have uh four uh crispy cream donuts here uh for the first four people that have the the guts and the balls you don't have to have balls you know just guts to come up here and raise their hands this now let me tell you something i've been i've been sober a long time and i'm just going to give you some advice this is not the time to be shy if you want a crispy cream donut don't be an alcoholic like you're scared to be the fr yes sir thank you very much the gentleman who raised his hand all men come on up here all men of faith have courage that's right all men but i stood you get not because you asked not there you go along thank you give one of these gals give one to give two to some of these gals because they're they're too lady-like to continue to practice you got to share it first bossy okay which lady wants a donut you have to edit the recording no there you go i don't even know i don't even know what what kind of alcoholics are you not sugar unbelievable thank you you know um yeah don't worry about it listen they can't arrest they can't arrest you for driving while fat don't worry about it you know so okay so um so um my sponsor used to say to me uh i've been doing these step things for like 30 30 something 33 years or something i don't know but uh but in any event uh i i sometimes i say i i rarely prepare i i suppose you could you figure that out right um but every once in a while as i'm walking up here once i'd say like 40 percent of time i have an idea of what the first like the first line's gonna be you know what i mean and then i just take off from there so god i hope your sobriety isn't going to depend upon the quality of this meeting you know what this means about he told you the tenth step right you think you know what the 10 steps about right you think it's about continuing to take what is it continuing to take personal inventory you think it's about continuing to take inventory take the inventory you took when you had a car next time, tae Dana, to continue to take personal inventory you think it's about continuing to take inventory take the inventory you took when you had a car to make an membership money take the inventory you took when you had the fourth step because that's the only inventory we are told about in the fourth step. So if you continue to take personal inventory, I've got to keep this real simple. You know, I'm 76 years old. I mean, I don't know when the Alzheimer's started happening, maybe about six years ago when the dementia set in. So I've gotten, I used to, you know how they say we know only a little? And page 164, I used to think I knew everything. Unfortunately, that was all I knew. I knew a lot of stuff. And you know when you know a lot of stuff and you're always thinking? Has anybody ever, I mean, I know we have different types. Has anybody ever figured out that if you didn't think you'd be okay? Yeah. Yeah. Really, have you ever found yourself telling you, have you ever talked to yourself and said, I got to fucking stop. I'm thinking about this shit. And then you keep on thinking about it. It's like you can't control your mind. You ever figure out that most of the time when you think, you think about bad thoughts about yourself and other people. Have you ever figured out that you got all these people like, it's like Yankee Stadium in your head and they're all moving around. You know, you ever got that going on? So, so is that what this is about? You do these steps so you can manage that shit. So you can, you can put the people in their proper place and put them here and put them there. So, so you can, so it doesn't drive you crazy. It's, it's probably a short drive too. Um, so what, what happened? So I really do know only a little, I, I've met one of the things that's happens. Now I don't know whether this happens to everybody cause I don't know everybody, but I know a lot of people. And when you've, when you've been doing this for like 46 years, you know what I mean? Um, yeah, you know a lot because you've seen a lot. You've just seen a lot of, you've seen a lot of stuff in yourself. You've seen a lot of that stuff and other people, you've sponsored hundreds of people. You see. Stuff doesn't mean, doesn't mean, I know there's some guy in the back of the room saying, oh, that guy's all wrong. He doesn't know me. And that's probably true, you know, but I'm telling you, I've seen a lot of people. I've sponsored a lot of people, done a lot of shit. And, uh, and so I've noticed some things. So that's, I'm just gonna, you know, that commercial, have anybody ever seen the farmer's commercial, you know, where all this weird shit happens, farmer's insurance company. And the guy will say, uh, we insure that, you know what I mean? And he says, he says. Yeah. He says, he says, we know a lot. Cause we've seen a lot. I've just seen a lot of stuff, seen a lot of stuff, you know, you know, you, you know, if you're an alcohol, can you delusional? You know, the book says we're delusional. I believe the book. I believe the big book. I believe the book. I believe the Bible. No, I believe the book. So if the book say book says we're delusional, then we must be delusional. You know what they, what they, what they say in the book, they say, uh, we can't separate the truth from the, from the false. We don't know. We don't know what's right, what's wrong, what's true, what's false, our alcoholic life and our alcoholic thinking seems normal to us, you know, and, uh, my sponsor said to me once when I was about three or four or five years sober, if you could call it that, you know, you can call, if you can call five years sober, sober, but my sponsor, it was an improvement. My sponsor once said to me, no, it was, it was. Do you know, it's bill Wilson wrote the big book when he was three years sober. Can you imagine that it must've been divinely inspired, but you know, he said that some things in the, in the big book that, uh, I don't know, I'm not even sure he, I don't even think he realized what he was saying. That's true. Sometimes I go to meetings and I talk and people come up and they say, I really appreciate what you said. And I don't remember a fricking thing. I have no, I, oh, when you said the thing, I don't. I don't remember anything, you know, do you think it's possible to say something and, uh, you're not saying it, you know, I, I, you know, how many means I've been to, and this has happened to me personally, where I had something happen and somebody said something or somebody did something. And normally I would tell him to go fuck themselves. I tell him who to. Who the hell, who do you, who do you, you don't know who, who I, why I'd say something sarcastic or stupid, or I try to hurt somebody with a remark. You know, how many times that has happened to me growing up in AA and all of a sudden I said like the perfect thing, the perfect thing just came out of my, just came out of my mouth and it was like a miracle and everybody was happy and everything was perfect. And then I run to my AA meeting and I say, you wouldn't believe what just happened to me, blah, blah, blah, and I'll tell them the whole story, you know, then my mother said this, and my brother said this, and they're having a fight, and then I said this. It's like a miracle. I can't believe what I said. And then I follow it by saying this, and that's not me. You ever do something and you think to yourself, where the shit did that come from? That's not me. I'm an idiot. I'm a jerk. I'm the guy who drives in the car and all of a sudden I hear this voice and it's telling me I'm a, I'm an asshole and I ought to kill myself and I'll never be okay. And I look around to see you saying that shit to me and I'm the only one in the car and, you know, I'm telling myself I don't give a shit what people think about me and I'm always telling myself that when I'm worried about what other people are thinking about me and I'll even say that out loud. I don't give a crap what they think. I mean, I just tell them I am really insane. I really am. I just don't know I'm insane. Because I've been insane. I've had this alcoholism. You know, the drinking, I don't talk about the drinking. I really don't. It's not, you can talk about it. And you go to meetings to talk about it. And it's good to talk about it. It's good every once in a while to talk about it. It's good to hear a good drunk-along. I don't want to put that down. But it's just not me now. It used to be me when I was five years, ten years, fifteen years. You know, I'm more into like the faith-along thing now. The faith thing. I'm going to explain to you why. And what this has to do with the tenth step. Yes, I'm actually going to talk about the tenth step. But not the tenth step you're thinking of. Because I can't talk about your tenth step. I can only talk about my tenth step. My tenth step doesn't have anything to do with inventory. Oh, it has everything to do with inventory. But it really doesn't. It's a different way of looking at the tenth step. So maybe this will be like, you don't have to judge me. You can judge me. Wait until after the meeting. Maybe you'll feel differently. Maybe you'll feel differently. So, because after you've been doing tenth steps for forty years, you may find this hard to believe, but think about this for a second. When you've been doing the steps for forty years or forty-six years, maybe your perception of the steps and what they're about changes. You know, like if you have five years here and I would ask you to say, do you remember when you had one year? You'd say, oh yeah, I remember I had one year. If I asked you, do you think you've changed since you had one year? You'd say, oh man, unbelievable. Would you want to go back to the one year? No, never. That was crap. And you may have like ten years. I'd say to you, do you think differently? Have you changed since you had five years? And you say, oh man, are you kidding me? It's unbelievable. You want to go back to five years? Oh, no, it's crap. So now you have twenty years. And I say to you, man, how's twenty years? It's okay. Have you changed ever since you had ten years? Oh man, unbelievable. I can't even tell you how much I've changed since I had ten years. You want to go back ten years? No way. You know. So I bet if I had you up here talking about the tenth step, I don't know what you would say. But there's a possibility whatever you would say would be different than what you said when you had one year. You think? I mean, I'm thinking that makes sense logically. So I'm going to talk about, if it's okay with you, I'm going to tell you a little story about what it means. I'm going to tell you a story that I told about the tenth step as one example. Because, you know, I'm an alcoholic just like you are. You know what that means? That means for many, many years I constantly fucked up. And the good news is, if you constantly screw up, if you find yourself constantly screwing up, very often, quite frankly, maybe in the same way. I mean, it's usually with my mouth or something like that. If you find yourself screwing up, it's good to have the tenth step. Because then you don't have to drink. You don't have to drink at the people. And you don't have the people floating around in your head saying, I'm such an asshole. Why did you do that? I don't give a shit what they think. You don't have to get all confused and everything. You don't have to go to the bar and start drinking at your wife, you know, or drinking at your boss, or drinking. You don't have to do that. You can use the tenth step. So that's the step I used to talk about. It's really good to have that step down. That's the step I used to talk about. You know, when I first started driving a car, I can hardly remember this, but if you try to remember when you first started driving a car, you know, you really concentrate a lot, right? Remember when you were first driving a car? Remember when you were first driving a car and the first time you went on the expressway? No, you remember that? You're only ten years old. It's like yesterday for you, Goss. You know? Remember when you first started driving a car and the first time you went on the expressway? You said, holy shit, I'm going to die. You know what I mean? And now some of you guys have been driving cars for like 20, 30, 40 years, right? You know something? You don't even think to drive a car. You're not even thinking about it. You're weaving in and out of traffic. You're going here. You're going there. You're talking. You're doing your phone on your thing. You know, you're doing all sorts of stuff. You're not even thinking about driving a car. How did that happen? How did that happen? What if the tenth step is the same thing? What if it's just like driving a car? What if it's just like driving a car? You know, you could be rocking it. You know what it says? It said, if you do this thing right, you can be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence, and you can experience much of heaven, and you'll know peace. I wonder what it's like to know peace. What do you think it's like to know peace? They say in the big book, if you do this thing right, that's available to you. You know they say that? So, I mean, I hate to say this to you. That's our basic text. So, you think they're lying to us? I mean, you can go through AA and meet a lot of people and hear a lot of stuff and realize there's a lot of people that have 10, 15, 20, 25 years and they're not at peace. They're all sort of jammed up. How about this line? I think we'll do the whole meeting on this line. You know, a lot of people don't talk about this. To me, this is the biggest deal in the world. And it goes like this. Don't take yourself so seriously. You don't hear a lot of people talk about that line, do you? You know, it's out of our book. It says don't take yourself too seriously. Have you ever felt that alcoholics, maybe even yourself, at times we just take ourselves too seriously? You think that's a problem for alcoholics? They can't relax? Like let's say doing something like this, you know, they get all jammed up. They may do a good job, but they're like driving on the expressway. You ever see alcoholics do this stuff and they're like driving on the expressway? They know something terrible is going to happen unless they pay attention, unless they say the right thing or stuff like that. That's the symptom of alcoholism. The drinking is not the disease. The disease centers in our mind, not our body. The disease is about being tense and not being at peace. The disease has to do with being upset because you're upset about it. It's incredible. So my sponsor once asked me, he said, why do you do the things you do? Because you could actually do stupid things sober. And he was there to witness it. And he says, why do you do the things you do? And why do you say the stuff you say? I mean, I understand. Why do you do this stuff? And I would say, well, that's just my personality. And I was being honest. I was being honest. I really was being honest. Why did you get angry at that guy? Why did you do this? Why did you leave now? Why did you do? I said, that's just my personality. And then he would say to me, he says, Russell, your personality is killing you. What if that's true? What if it's not the drink that's killing you? What if what's killing you is your personality, the one you've had ever since you were six years old? The one you had before you started drinking? The one you had after you started drinking? The one you had after you stopped drinking? What if your problem is, is that you're 40 years old and you've never fucking changed? You're still a spoiled, thumb-sucking crybaby. What if that's your problem? What if you look like you're 60, but you act like you're 14 years old? I mean, that's what I see in AA. I don't know what you see in AA. I see a bunch of teenagers running around with their heads up their asses. I'm not, listen, I'm not talking about this group. No, no, I'm looking at you guys, and I can tell looking at you that you're at a, you're like a higher level, you know what I mean? You guys are probably spiritual, not religious, you know what I mean? It's always daunting to be in front of a very spiritual group, you know what I mean? You guys don't worry about money, property, prestige, or romance. Fear, that means nothing to you. You laugh in the face of fear and cancer and shit like that, you know? I'm just talking about this just in case you run into one of those sick alcoholics that still suffer with shit, you know? So this is how I used to do the 10 step. Let me give you a, because I can tell you how I used to do the 10 step. In like five minutes, there's a story. Because all our steps, everything could be wiped up. By the way, how do you get a new personality? How do you get a new perspective? You know how, you know how. You guys are big with thumpers. The way you get a new personality is by getting a new perspective. The way you get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations and the final crushing of your self-sufficiency. The operative word there, is repeated. It's like continue. You continue and you repeat. And so how long does it take to have repeated, how long do you have to be humiliated and do you repeat and continue and be crushed until you change your personality to one who can enjoy peace? It's a good question, isn't it? Well, the steps say, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So when do we get sane? What does sanity even look like? When do you actually come to believe? Is it when you first get on your knees and say the third step prayer? Is it when you first say the serenity step prayer? How long does it take? Five years? Ten years? Forty years? Forty-six years? Sixty years? Never? How long is it? You know you ought to be interested in stuff like this. I mean, I don't know, you know, when I went to law school, I said, how long is it going to take? They said three years. They didn't say forty-six. So three years, I got out of law school, I got a degree. I knew enough about law to get you in a shitload of trouble if you were my client. And man, when am I going to know how to do this? Oh, maybe two, three, four, ten, fifteen, twenty, forty years. Been a lawyer for fifty years. Takes a long time. You know, the good stuff, the important stuff, takes a long time. You know, we tell people one day at a time, we tell people everything's going to be okay. Don't you go to meetings, everything's going to be okay. When does everything, when does everything become okay? Does everything become okay? When do you have to, when can you stop continuing? Do you ever stop continuing? Does that ever happen? What about when you get that rocket ship ride? Is that all bullshit or do you get that? Do you ever get to the point where you can be at peace with yourself, in front of people, with people, you know, driving your car, wherever it is? I mean, does that ever happen? What if you were like me and you ran into somebody in AA who seemed to have that deal going on? What would you do? Would you say, would you try to hang around them? Would you ask them, hey, what did you do to get that way? You know? What did you do to get rid of that personality? Because I don't know about you, but this stuff is driving me fucking nuts. Driving me crazy. How do you get rid of that? What does it matter if you become an expert at the steps but you never experience peace? I'm asking, do you think there are people that are going to meetings, not drinking and doing the steps, but they're not at peace? I know there are because at 46 years I sponsor them and they got 30 years and 25 years and they're nuts. What do you think about that? What do you think about going to AA meetings, doing the steps, you know, reading the books, and at 36 years being a whack job? Is that what you want? Is that what you want? So one of the stories I used to tell about 10-step, which is a valid story and a good story, and taste your news so that you get something out of this, is I was working in a law office and I shared a secretary with my boss and she was a very proper lady from England. Spoke with like a Shakespearean English language, like masterpiece fucking theater, you know what I mean? And you know, you hang around people like that, you just feel stupid just because you're not speaking that way. And so I shared with the boss, the big boss, the secretary, and I had to do a letter, dictate a letter, and so I went up to see her and she's my secretary. So she's sitting in a chair, one of these swivel chairs, and I walk up to her and she's on the phone. And I can hear the conversation. And I'm standing there in front of her, ready to dictate this letter, and I say to her, I hear her say this, she says, oh, and then we went to the islands and we were on the boat and John looked so cute in his bathing suit, and we were having such a great time, and I'm standing there for like 10 minutes, and she's having this conversation about going out on the weekends and not even acknowledging me, and well, it probably was only like a minute and a half, but it felt like 10 minutes, you know, because I'm an alcoholic, you put me on hold for 30 seconds, I want to rip your lungs out. And so at one point in time, in a very sober way, in a very sober way, and I had about three or four years, in a very sober way, I did this, I said, it wasn't even that loud, you know what I mean? And she swiveled her chair around so her back was to me, and she said, this is what she said, she said, Doris, I'm sorry, I have a real pest behind me. Now, having four years, I had a thin veneer of sobriety around me, which fucking evaporated. At which point, and this is like 40 years ago, you know what I mean? I say to her, if you don't put that phone down and turn it around, I'm going to wrap this fucking cord around your head and throw you out the fucking window. That was 40 years ago, when you could do shit like that and get away with it. There was a time, I'm telling you, there was a time, you know? And, well, she hung up the fucking phone. And I want to tell you something. There is something to be said for being an alcoholic and having people once in a while realize that you're psychotic. There is something to be said for that kind of deal, you know what I mean? I'm just telling you. You know, when you say to yourself, when you say to yourself things like, they don't know who they're fucking dealing with, do you ever think about that? Do you ever say to yourself, they don't know who they're fucking dealing with? There is a point in time that you need to let them know who the fuck they're dealing with. You know what I mean? You need to let them know. Unafraid. Celebrate that alcoholism. Don't keep it in a box. Hell, we got the 10 step. We're going to work it out, you know? You got to exercise those muscles, you know? You don't want to get too well in here too fast, you know? So I'm walking down, so she would dictate the letter and I'm walking downstairs and all of a sudden I hear this voice in my mind, because I got like four years, and the voice is, so the brainwashing has already started working on me, like my sponsor. I'd say to my sponsor, I know what you're doing, you're brainwashing me. He says, well, maybe your brain needs washing, I don't know. But anyway, I hear this, I hear this voice as I'm walking downstairs. And when we were wrong, promptly admitted it, and I said, oh shit, no, no. Because right behind that voice, I know it's right behind that voice, it's going up and apologizing, which is never going to fucking happen, because she was wrong. And before I hit the bottom of the stairs, I knew I had to go up and apologize. And I went up, her name was Valerie, and I said, and she was, and I walked up to her and she was like cowering, you know what I mean? He's back. I said, Valerie. He says, what? He says, Valerie. I said, I was wrong in what I said to you. I just want you to know that I was absolutely wrong, and I apologize. And she looked at me and she said, I was wrong too. And that was the end of that. And I went home that night, and watched TV with my son. I'll tell you what I didn't do. There wasn't some drunken attorney in a bar cursing out his secretary in the world, because all that was is a story I tell in Alcoholics Anonymous. So that's the power of the tenth step. Let me tell you another story about the tenth step. Let me tell it to you a different way. That's what used to be the tenth step for me. That's not the tenth step for me now. That's not my tenth step story now. It could be my tenth step story. You know what I mean? I mean, I still, once you learn to ride the bike, you learn how to ride the bike. So here's my tenth step story now. Somewhere along the road, it came to my mind, it came up in my mind, you know, it just sort of popped up, that if I didn't do or say stupid stuff or hurtful stuff to people, if I didn't do irresponsible things, I would never have to make amends. I would never have to make amends. I would never have to be pissed off at people. I'd never have to feel sorry for myself. I'd never have to make amends. And then you know what I saw in the tenth step? I don't know, I'd never read this before because I had read the tenth step over and over again and I had never seen this line. I guess it was my time to see this line. It says, we learn restraint of tongue and pen. Apparently what I learned is if you get repeatedly humiliated, and have your spirit crushed over and over again for an appropriate amount of time, and I don't know what your time is, it will, what the tenth step will turn into is a device that will help you have a different personality. And it'll be a personality whereby you'll be able to live a life of peace. And that's as much of the tenth step as it is the ten steps. So, after the tenth step, that's the first story. So the real question is, do you want, do you want to just stick with the first story for the rest of your life? Constantly screwing up and making amends? Or would you like to move on to the second part of the tenth story? Where you stop screwing up and you live a life of peace. Right? And that's sort of like a little bit of, I don't want to say it's a mistake, because I think it's a growth process. Most people, when they get involved with the steps, they end up worshipping the steps. They end up thinking what AIM is about is the steps. Worship the steps. Do the steps perfectly. Learn how to do the steps. You know, and if you really get smart on the steps, and really learn how to do the steps, and really do the steps well, you'll end up being able to fix yourself. And if that's true, if the steps are the things that fix you, then you don't ever have to have faith in God. But unfortunately, it's not the steps that fix you. The steps will never fix you. Because there's a sixth and a seventh step that says, the person who does the sixth step is repeatedly trying to grow in the image and likeness of God. And it says that what happens is we have to desire to have God remove all these, God remove all these defects of character. So although the sixth and the seventh step are tools, tools, prayer is a tool too, tools, to help us change our personality. They're not the things that change your personality. What changes our personality says do not conform yourself to the world, or even to AA, but be transformed. What transforms you is focusing on God. That's what the seventh step says. Humbly, on your knees, ask God to remove these defects of character. And what happens is people get so involved like we always do. Like when we, before we even started getting sober and trying to fix ourselves, and work on ourselves, and go to the gym, and lose the 50 pounds, and do this, and do that. You know, you could, you could get thin as hell and still be an idiot. And you could be fat and be a decent person. You can drive a brand new Mercedes Benz and be a jerk. And you can buy, drive an old rust bucket and be a decent human being and be at peace with yourself. You know? None of this worldly shit, you know, this superficial shit should have anything to do with what's going on in your brain at three o'clock in the morning. Nothing to do with what's going on in your brain. So, as much as we glorify and worship the steps, and we have step series, you understand what I'm saying? And as much as I believe it is important to discipline yourself and allow God into your life by working on the steps, I know that the ultimate thing is you can never get to the point where you actually think it's the steps that fix you. You always have to understand that there is one who has all power and that one is God, but you find him now. And even though God gave us brains to use, he really didn't give us brains to use because before you get to what God gave us brains to use, you have that line that says, upon awakening, we ask God to direct our thinking. So, what the deal is, is you have to realize that God gave you a brain so he could use it. You don't want to be using your brain. If you're here, you've spent decades using your brain. Do you remember where it got you? Here. Do you remember how well you did? Here. Using your thinking? Using your brain? Not well at all, right? Yeah. You know? You ended up here, listening to me, who's got Alzheimer's disease. Yes, I'm crazy. I don't know who's crazier, me or the people who are listening to me. Can you imagine that? I mean, if I'm sick, what are you guys doing here? I mean, it's a strange situation. I'll tell you what. So, it's a funny deal. You know, I mean, you just look at it. I don't know how to explain it. You just look at things differently. You know, I'm sitting here thinking about the tenth step, and all of a sudden, I start thinking about that line, don't take yourself too seriously. The tenth step is one of the things we walk with God, with our relationship with God. See, your relationship with him is right, and great events will come. Why don't you actually walk in order to get to the point where we really don't take ourselves too seriously? We don't. You know, this could be the greatest tenth step in the history of mankind. I think it really was. Don't you think, Braden? Or the worst. It was adequate. It was adequate. The worst step series in the history, the worst step ten in the history of AA. But it really doesn't matter whether it was excellent or terrible if you guys don't get it. Right? That really doesn't matter, does it? It doesn't matter unless you get something out of it. You know? So really, and who determines whether you get something out of it? I don't determine that. I have no power to have you get anything. All I do, I can't even, I can't even carry the message to you. You know why I know I can't carry the message? Because that's not my job. Because the 12th step says, what does it, what does the 12th step say? Try to carry the message. What do I say? What does it say? Trying to carry the message. Oh, all I'm doing is trying to carry the message. I can't carry the message. I don't have that power. All I can do is try to carry the message. This is probably the worst tenth step meeting in the history of mankind. But you want to know something? It's the best one I can do tonight. So I've fulfilled my responsibility trying to carry the message. You sure have. Now, whatever happens on the other end with you guys, I mean, that's your responsibility. That has nothing to do with me. So that's all I have to say. I know we got...