Redneck Twelve Steps — I Can’t, He Can’t, I Think I’ll Let Him 🤣 – Bill T.

My name is Tinsley. I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the Nava Club where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal story describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and later listening on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing. It is my great pleasure to introduce our speaker tonight who came from far away and I was trying to remember the last place I saw him and he reminded me that it was in Park City, Utah. I thought it was Salt Lake City or Durango or something like that but he reminded me and I would have always wondered for the rest of my life where it was. He set me straight. I'm hearing that he's got a great story and so I'm going to let him have that. Also, he just celebrated an AA milestone. I'll tell you about that as well. And with that, I'll give you Bill. My name is Bill Treadway and I'm an alcoholic. The reason that I say that more than anything else is not because I'm trying to break my anonymity or anything else but it is my anonymity to break. And the concept of anonymity is all about me being able to say that I'm an alcoholic and that I was here but I cannot say that you're an alcoholic or that I saw you here. All right, so that we're all squared away, right? We're all squared away. Another thing that's important, my doggone throat's trying to kill me. I hope this thing doesn't give up on me. I'm also drawing on some experience here which, oh, I'm trying to draw on some experience here which many of you will no doubt know. There are people here tonight, there are people here tonight, there are people here tonight, there are people here tonight, that have known me since the day I first drew breath. There are many here tonight that have known me since the day I first walked in the door. There are several of you that I have known since the first day you walked in the door. And yet, you look there at your program or you look there online and you see that I'm from Utah and you're thinking, how do these two things come together, right? So, I'll sort of break it down. I like to compress things, right? So, quantify, qualify, testify, right? It's also like the redneck 12 steps. You know what that is? What's that? I can't, he can't, I think I'll let him, right? That's the redneck 12 steps. That's compressed. I was born in Athens, right? So, go Dawgs. That's all you really need to know. Yes, sir. Thank you. But we moved over here to Shaliford Road when I was eight years old. So, I was raised right here in Chamblee and Doraville. That's where I learned how to drink. I'd really love to tell you, here's one of the ironic things that this past Thursday afternoon, the reason, well, the first reason I came for the week was that this past Thursday afternoon, the 17th of October, I celebrated 30 years in recovery. But the really ironic thing was that the very same day, I was with my middle son and his four children playing. They were, not me, they were playing tee ball in Dawson County, which is exactly where I got the DUI exactly 30 years ago to the day. Now, that's irony for you, right? So, I'd love to tell you that it all started right there, but that's not exactly where it all started. I can recall very distinctly my mother having given me some lovely stuff called Paragark. Anybody know what that is? Cough syrup. Yeah, cough syrup, yeah. As a child, they would give it to you if your stool was loose, in other words, if you had diarrhea. Technically speaking, for those of you who are chemists, we're all chemists, right? For those of you who are chemists, it's a tincture of opium and, you know, right, it's moonshine and heroin all spun up together and you toss it back and it makes your stool coagulate. Anyway, I can remember thinking, I can remember thinking, well, you know, why don't you give me another spoonful of that and let's forget about what's in my diaper, right? That's really crazy. And so, my parents would give me wine when I was eight and nine years old. And the first time I had a blackout was when I was 13 years old. And another thing I tell people, and this is, again, I have people here that corroborate anything that comes out of my mouth at this point, so I really, I'm not trying to pull your leg, I'm not trying to, this is all stuff that I've had 30 years to think about, right? So I have a, for those of you that keep statistics and try to figure stuff out, right? Because after 30 years you keep statistics and you figure stuff out. I have an incidence rate of .77. Now what does that mean to any of you, right? So between the time I was 14 and the time I was 28, I wrecked 11 cars. Okay? And then I quit drinking and I haven't had a wreck since. Isn't that amazing, right? Out of those 11 cars, I was, I was, three of them I flipped, one of them I was trapped in for an hour and a half upside down. It changed my voice forever because I was screaming the whole time. That also happened up the road here in Milano. That was not any fun. I didn't stop drinking after that either. That's what Jack Daniels and Quaedad would do for you. Right? So what was it that did it? What was it that did it for me, right? I'm sorry that's sort of a shortened epilogue, but what really did it for me was the fact that in October of 1987, I went on a binge. I went on a three-day binge. I drove 92 miles one night. I don't remember an inch of it. I don't remember an inch of it to this day, 30 years later. I can't put together just exactly where I was or what I did for that 92 miles. How did I figure out 92 miles? Well, I know I had to start at a particular place. I put together that I went to a particular place and turned around and came back to a particular place where I got arrested. Right? So after not having anything to drink for two and a half hours, I pulled a .16. That's not anything I'm necessarily proud of, but it's most certainly just exactly how it played out. The prosecutor that came in was a paraplegic. So after a single DUI, I got to spend $42,000 on a big book. That's how it played out. Right? I was working for the Georgia Power Company at the time. I'd been there for 14 years. I'd already gotten rid of a marriage. I'd gotten rid of my military career. I was a pilot, by the way, a medevac pilot. That's its own sort of a disease. And then as I came out the other side, Ken will tell you this, watch Ken's head. When I walked through the door, I'd been through the... This is going to be fun. I'd been through 35 days down at Turning Point, and I walked through the door, and I still was hip-slick, cool, bulletproof, and 10 feet tall. See? Just like the little hula doll in the back deck of your Chevrolet, right? But the thing you know, even after all that, the thing you know, is I was fundamentally broken. Okay? I'm a mechanic in my core, right? And I got probably a toolbox in my house that's got $50,000 worth of tools in it, and there ain't one of them to fix myself. Not one. Ain't a screwdriver made. Ain't a ratchet wrench made. Nothing to fix me. And I was teachable on top of all that. If Turning Point did anything for me, the one thing that they did for me was to convince me that if I didn't get this, that I was going to die. Now, to bring you up to speed at this point, they told me, as far as my aftercare was concerned, they said, listen here, when you go in that door over there, you get ahold of... I went to the men's meeting, right? Oh boy, talk about a den. Walked in the door, got ahold of Russ. Is Russ still alive? No? I'm sorry to hear that. So the first person I saw was Russ McGraw, right? I stuck my hand out. I did exactly what I was told. And I continue to do exactly as I'm told to this day. I stuck my hand out and I said, my name's Bill. I'm an alcoholic. And he looked at me and says, you think I'll give a shit? And I thought, I thought, man, what a tough audience. You know? And that's the way Russ was. Right? That's the way Russ was. But I tell you, between Russ, you haven't started naming names now, right? Between Russ and Stan, Joe Hubbard, Joe Lewis, Don Scher, these people, these people loved me when I couldn't love myself. These people continue to love me when I cannot love myself. Right? Now, so 35 days coming out the other side. I thought to myself, I don't have to be over there. You're not the one who's going to help me. I'm going to be over there. I'm going to be the one who's going to help me. I'm going to be the one who's going to help me. I'm going to be the one who's going to help me. I'm going to be the one who's going to help me. Now, so 35 days coming out the other side, where's 10? The interesting thing about this is there's really nothing special about me, right? And I'll be the first one to tell you that, okay? I think Ken's got nine days on me, and I came, is that right, nine days? I think it's nine days. And the thing to understand is that when I walked in the door, it was a meter man for the Georgia Power Company. When the Georgia Power Company had meter men, right? I spent all my day running around in between people's houses, getting chased by dogs, looking in people's windows, right? And I knew where every dope plant was on the planet, the whole thing, right? And I would come over here sometimes every day, sometimes twice a day, just depending on whenever it was. And I was absolutely determined that I was going to get this thing. I didn't know what it was I was going to get, but I was going to get this thing. And I didn't care how many times I had to come over here to get it. I'd come to speaker meetings. I'd come to Friday night meetings. I'd come to candlelight meetings. So the first thing that happened, and this is taking a long time to even figure out how to articulate this, but someone suggested to me, it was probably Don, but someone suggested to me, listen, every morning, you've got to get up and you've got to say a prayer. You know, what do you got to lose? Okay? Because I had no God of my understanding. At 17 years old, I'd left the church of my upbringing. I had no God of my understanding. And so, you know, if you read the book, read the book, the book tells you that what you've got to do is to praise the knowledge of God's will for you and the power to carry that out on a daily basis. That's really pretty simple. It's not more complicated than that. So I had been out of the Cigar Treatment Center about the 1st of December, and then got through Christmas, got through January, and then long about February. February? Got through February. And Don says to me, you need to go to this. You need to go to this workshop. And I was broke. Okay? I was broke mentally. I was broke spiritually. I was broke financially. I was broke. And for all of you that know Don, or knew of Don, you know, he says, listen, you just keep on praying. More will be revealed. And I wanted to smack him, right? It's like, shut up! You know? More will be revealed. Right! Whatever! Right! So, in keeping with my doggy determination of doing what I was told, on the morning, I didn't have any question. I was over here behind Oglethorpe University. I forget the name of the road back up in there. But anyway, I was behind Oglethorpe University about to hop out of the power company car and go read the meters over there up in behind the university. And I said my morning prayer. I said, oh, by the way, I could really use some extra change so I could go to this workshop. Hopped out of the car. Turned on my little machine. Thanks, sir. I appreciate that. I didn't get 15 feet from the car. There's a $50 bill stuck in the bush right there. Hold on now. I looked at the sky. And I said, I thank you very much. That's not necessarily exactly how much it might take. I smiled. Stuck in my pocket. I continued walking another 100 feet on down the sidewalk there. There was a $100 bill. Stuck in the bush. I'm not kidding you at all. God strike me dead right here in front of you, okay? So from 1988 until the time I left, I went every six months. I was on the cook crew before Frank took it over. And then Frank did it for a while. And other people have had it since then. George has had it. And Frank's had it. And we've all kind of people been on that cook crew down there. I knew things about pork that are inhuman. Anyhow, it's true. Well, as an aside, one of the funny things about being a stranded redneck in northern Utah is that in 20 years of being there, I've had the misfortune of having the fire department call me four times in 20 years. And it's because my neighbors don't get the idea that when the whole neighborhood smells like bacon, it ain't me trying to burn my house down. So how is it you do this, right? Is it difficult? It's difficult. I've heard people say through the last however many years, I've heard them say over and over and over again, well, relapse is just a part of it. Sorry, that's hogwash. Okay? It's hogwash. I walked in the door. I haven't been back out. Right? I haven't had a slip. I haven't had a relapse. I haven't drank anything. I haven't used anything. I haven't smoked anything. Right? I'm sorry. If you have, I'm also sorry. But it's not. It's not a necessary part. It's just not. There's some critical elements. Four in particular, in my opinion, but there's some critical elements. I've reduced some of those to even some little bitty mnemonic devices that are really pretty easy. A lot of times you'll think that a lot of these things you hear over and over and over again, you see them stuck on the wall and everything else. You may hear me parrot some of those all over again. For instance, trust God, clean house, help others. Right? Why on earth do you think that I would come all this direction just to talk to you folks? It certainly isn't because I just think I need to be standing here tonight. Okay? I'm standing here tonight because I've been given a gift that I don't think that I'll ever repay. I've been given a gift that the only way to keep it is to give it back. So I have to continue to give it back and give it back and give it back. And then there are, of course, there are people that will say, oh, I can't do this, you know. Well, I think the thing that I find distressing about any of this is that the people that go back and forth, back and forth, are folks that go, that do the first, second, third step and stop. Right? I call those folks waltzers. Right? What's a waltzer? One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. What do you do? Right? You go around in a damn circle. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. Right? You deprive yourself of the fourth and the fifth step. You deprive yourself of the freedom of getting rid of that, getting rid of the garbage that's in your life, the clutter that's in your head, the various things that are eating you up on the inside. You know, I've told people before, over and over and over again, it's like walking into a child's room after a food fight. Right? And it's the, the melliest stuff that's under the bed and behind the doggone closet that's killing you. Right? For the longest time, I told people, any one of a number of things, you would say, you know, whatever it is, whatever you had to say to get your sponsor off your back. You'd write down whatever you got to write down to get your sponsor off your back or your psychiatrist off your back or whatever. Right? So, until you can stand up in front of a bunch of people you don't even know and you say, look, you know, by the time I was 15 years old, I'd had sex with both men and women. You know? Now, does that make sense? It doesn't shock you. It doesn't shock me. But the thing you need to know about that is it also doesn't own me. Right? It doesn't control me. It doesn't move me. It doesn't cause me to behave in any particular way. It's just a fact. Right? I'm a 58-year-old, decidedly heterosexual married man. Right? I have four children, six grandchildren. My wife loves me. I take care of her. Right? But those kind of things don't work. Right? They don't own me. Right? And if I say that to someone else, if someone else is able to say, that crap doesn't own me anymore either. Right? Then I've helped somebody walk away from that kind of destructive thinking. Right? That's what that's about. That's what this whole program is about. Right? It's us helping each other. It's us holding each other's hands to a point where we can say, these things, these destructive things that made us drink, that, we drank at, don't own us. Right? So, that's what I wanted to share with you. Or anything else. Let me, let me, deceptively simple the program is. Okay? Forget about what's in the white. Read what's in the black. Start at the front. That's how you read the book. Don't drink and go to meetings. Right? It's pretty simple. In 30 years, the people, the people that come back in the door, if they do make it back in the door, what do they say? They stop going to meetings. Right? Second thing. Get a book. Read it. Third thing. Work the steps. Not just 1, 2, 3. Not just 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Right? All of them. I work a 10 step every day. If I like it or not. I sit down every night and try to look back at just exactly what it was I did every day and try to make sure that I didn't irritate the crap out of someone. And if I do, I go find them. In fact, this weekend, it occurred to me, I'll tell you something really quick. It occurred to me that I had a 35 year old amends to take care of. How many of you are not even 35 years old? Right? Okay. I'm just telling you. Right? I, uh... Put your hand down, Frank. Bam. Bam. Anyway, while I was in the middle of flight school, I did something really crazy. I almost blew my head off, lost my vision. It was a couple of really stupid things right back to back, but I was drunk, I was stoned, I did a bunch of crazy things. And while I was in the middle of it, my wingman, a guy I'd known since I was 8 years old, my wingman, took me to the doctor. You know, got me all patched up and everything, and then turned around and we came back to where the scene of the crime, as it were. And there had never been any kind of, there had never been any kind of a bill, no kind of deductible, no kind of nothing, right? To have my head all patched up where all this stuff had blown up in my face. And then on top of all that, 3 o'clock in the morning, the caretaker from the place comes in and tells us that we'd stampeded 40 cows through three strands of barbed wire. I don't know if you know anything about that, but cows don't just casually sashay through barbed wire. They do three strands of barbed wire. And the interesting thing about that is that there was never a bill for the cows. There was never a bill for the repair of the fence. There was never even a word said to me for 35 years. And so, I had to say something about that. I found myself with my wingman for the first time in 30 years. They told me when I walked in the door that I had to give up my playmates and my playground. I did exactly what I was told. I did exactly what I was told to do. And I walked away from the fellow I'd known since I was 8 years old. He was my drinking buddy. We dated a lot of the same women. The whole thing, right? I walked away from him. And for years, he'd thought that it was all about him. You know, that he'd done something wrong. That there was some bad blood between us or something, right? And so, over the last 3 or 4 years, we've managed to sort all that part of it out. But in the middle of all, I had come to discover through thinking about it that all this other stuff existed about the cows. And so, I showed up over the weekend because there was an invite put forward and discovered that there was no bill for the cows. There was no bill for the fence. There was no bill for the hospital. There was no bill for any of it. And the interesting thing about it was that while we were in the process of just enjoying ourselves for the weekend, this thing had become a demon in my head. It had become one of these things that for 30 years, I didn't know how I was going to approach him. I didn't know how I was going to make good what happened, right? And so, we were riding around in a four-wheeler and we'd cruise off down the woods and we're talking trash about these idiots that are shooting up the woods on the other side of the property and there's deer running everywhere. And it's the whole beautiful redneck country boy experience happening all around us, right? And he drives me down the woods and right there, next to this creek, is a birch tree, a river birch tree. And he says, don't you see that? And I looked up there and I said, what are you pointing at? And he pointed up there and there was a sparring tree where I'd covered my nieces in when I was 16 years old. And that was his way of saying, look here, this is going to be alright. You know, this is going to be fine. You don't have to worry about this. I didn't even remember that part of the woods that I'd been in. I couldn't even recall having been down there with my knife. But the reality of it was, is I have a very distinctive way of signing my bees, right? That's just the way I do. And there it was on the tree. And I couldn't even remember having put it on the tree. And he'd been watching that bee for 42 years. And there it was. And there was no walking away from that, right? Anyhow, we're still buds. And he's still in my wingman. Another thing, let's see. Let's see. Work the steps. Don't drink, go to meetings. Get a big book. Work the steps. Get a sponsor. Use them. One of the things I would say about that is get a sponsor. Use them until you can't use them no more. Use them until they're about used up. That might sound sort of crazy. Now, the last time I used my first sponsor was 12 days before. He said, I'll tell you about that in just a minute. Because I do have a gift to give you in that regard. But when you forge that sort of relationship with another human being, that's the essence of it. Is that it needs to be continuous. It needs to be thorough. It needs to be absolutely trusting. And that's exactly the way it was. Another thing that I've been working on with the other thing I've been working with over the last week or so. I don't know how many of you do know or consider, but this is a life or death situation. While I was in flight school, my cousin committed suicide shortly thereafter. And his uncle was murdered. I could go on. The interesting thing about it is, and I say interesting because when I started to write it down, the log of the men and women that I could write down that have died, that I know have died drinking or using drugs in the last 30 years is an astounding number. Okay? It's an astounding number. It started before I walked in the door and it didn't stop after I walked in the door. There are people here that have watched it. There are people here that have experienced it. Up close and personal, there are people here that have held their own children in their arms as they died. Okay? It's just the way it happens. And if you consider that what we're dealing with here is a life or death situation, I would implore anybody that can hear me, that can hear my voice right now, to take what I'm saying very seriously. My daughter, I was on a... We were... She's a... I don't really love or interest in anything else, but a little guy friend. She's 17 years old. And if someone says to you, I'm about to go do this, I'm about to go do that, or if someone expresses to you the desire to take their own life, you need to take them seriously. Seriously. Every minute that comes out of someone's life, or it comes out of their mouth, if they say it, they can do it. You need to hear that come straight out of my mouth. If someone says it, they can do it. Right? You have to take it seriously. You may not know what to do about it, but you need to seek out the help of a trusted friend, period. That's all there is to it. If someone articulates that to you, you need to do something about it. Not 10 minutes from now, not the next afternoon, but right away. Okay? Because the minute they say something about it, they're reaching out to you. Alright? A lot of times, in the case of what's been going on with my daughter, there's a young man that's trying to control and manipulate her. Alright? Which is sad. But in the case of tools that are available to us today, the reality of it is, is we've circumvented the process and managed to reach out to this young man's parents, which is what he didn't want. He didn't want to begin with. Right? But instead of the, you know, shame and remorse and guilt and so forth being heaped on my daughter's head, we've managed to get this young man the help that he needs somewhere else. And so, this is the kind of thing that needs to be articulated, especially in families where alcohol and depression and so forth are manifest. So you need to hear it come out of my mouth. If somebody says that to you, they say it, they can do it. If they can do it, you need to help them. Right? You need to reach out. Otherwise, you know, your fourth and fifth step ends up being even worse. You end up with something else you've got to get rid of. Right? It'll probably take that long to tell you about this. Imagine many of you remember exactly where you were on September 11th of 2001. I was flying that day. And I was in South Florida and had a connecting flight that originated out of Miami, went through Atlanta, and then back out to Salt Lake City. But I was early, early, early in the morning. I was in Jacksonville. And, you know, when you're traveling two different time zones, your head's all jacked up and things are all messed up. I'm sitting there eating, you know, scattered, smothered, covered, flabbed, died, laid on the side, chunked, plunked, and lumped, and junked. You know, I look up and I see this airplane going to this skyscraper. And I was like, you've got to be kidding me, right? This is something out of a nightmare. And, you know, at first I thought, well, the hash browns can't be possibly that bad. But, you know, I watched it a little minute or so. And then the second airplane came in. That was when I got up. And being a military man, I thought, this is not just sort of bad. This is really bad. And the Waffle House that I was at was right next door to the Naval Air Station. And because of the mandate with the Navy right after Pearl Harbor, everything in Jacksonville Harbor, it was bailed. It was the most amazing thing I think I've ever seen in my life. All the boats, all the Navy boats that were in Jacksonville Harbor, that second, turned. They loaded the decks up with bombs. And they weren't inert bombs. They weren't practice bombs. They were real bombs with the fuses inserted, right? And they were headed out to sea. And I thought, well, no. This is not funny at all. And so I made a couple of quick decisions. I looked down at my watch and I thought, well, you know, things are going to be bad in the air today. And I totally scratched the idea of going to Miami. And I thought, well, I'll have a couple of extra hours. I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to go over and I'm going to see Don. Now, I don't know if any of you know just exactly where Don Sherrill was on September the 11th of 2001, but he was 12 days away from dying at that point. He was living in Daphne with Ricky. And I don't know what Ricky's situation even is at this point, but a lot of you know Ricky. A lot of you know Don. And I hopped in the rental car, packed all my stuff up, and I headed to Daphne from Jacksonville. Not a very far trip. Went over there, got a hold of Ricky. Ricky looks at Don. Don's asleep mostly. He said, but you can go down there and see him. And what happened to Don is they looked in his throat and they thought they took him in there for a sore throat and found polyps. And to make a long story short, they cleaved his chest open and found cancer from his throat all the way to his liver and everything in between. And, uh, basically patted him on the shoulder, wired him back together, and gave him a bunch of morphine. Same home. And so, when I walked in the basement sitting on the sofa and I walked in there, I walked over and he was about half asleep and I sat there on the coffee table for a minute or two. And directly he woke up. He looked at me and said, oh, hey, Billy, how you doing? I told him I was alright. You know, he looked like hell. He, uh, he says, no, I'm doing just fine. I'm like, yeah, okay. Right? And, uh, we sat there for a minute or two, you know, and of course how it was on the very day of September 11th, the, the, the loop just kept on going and going and going. We sat there quiet for probably ten minutes. And I said to Don, I said, isn't that terrible? Just, isn't that just terrible? And he looked at me with those piercing blue eyes of his and he said, no. He said, it's exactly, he said, it's exactly the way it is. He said, it's exactly the way it is. It's exactly the way God planned it. Otherwise, it'd be different. It's taken me, it's taken me 16 years trying to wrap my head around that. Okay? Now, I don't know about the rest of you, right? But there'd be a scrap of faith in you. Okay? If you've got a grip on the God of your understanding. I learned what acceptance was all about that morning. Right there. With this man whose chest was cracked. Cleaved open. Wired shut. And 12 days from death himself. Okay? Sitting there watching people jump out of a window from hundreds of stories up and totally cool with the idea that these people were taking charge of their own existence. Because they weren't going to be controlled by a terrorist. That was difficult for me to, I spent days trying to understand that. But the only thing that's made it good at all is, is my faith in the God of my understanding. How did I discover this? Right? Two and a half, two and a half years, three years, something like that. My buddy George, George N. Suggested to me that my problem at that point in my life was the fact that that this hole in my belly with the wind blowing through, it was all about me having a God-shaped hole in my belly. That's when I went on the search. It was a very productive search, I would suggest, just about any one. But that's what I'd leave you with. I think that one of the most productive things that I've ever done since I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous was to seek out the God of my understanding. It's been the key to my abiding faith in people, my continued walk in faith with the folks here in the program with fellowship in the rooms. I continue to go to meetings even in Utah where the religion there is really sort of funny to begin with. A quick aside, when I left here and moved to Utah, the first thing that people wanted to jump on, they said, Bill, Bill, ain't that Utah where you can have 12 wives? And it's like, no. No, you're about 150 years behind the history of the place. But that's what I would advise anyone to do. Follow the book. Work the steps. Find a sponsor. Seek out the God of your understanding. Just know that it works. If I can do it, you can do it. Thanks. Thanks a lot, Bill. Thanks for keeping it real, too. Thank you, one and all, for joining the Blue Chip Speakers meeting tonight. Beauty and your style have some mercy. I can make it through despite. Get on out the fence. When the struggle gets to stay, you can turn out.