Reading the Tenth Step Out of the 12 and 12 Is How I Check the Day Before It Piles Up – Jeff H.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Amy and I am an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips speaker meeting at the Nava Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from pages 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describe in their own language, from their own point of view, the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership the clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our rooms tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us will be able to hear our speaker. Thank you. Any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them, too. I must have this thing. I'm really excited about our speaker tonight. I've told everybody. I was here when he got here. I'm still here. And he has worked. He's been through some stuff. He helps out newcomers. He'll do anything for you, and I'll give you Jeff. My name is Jeff. I'm an alcoholic. I brought my bottle of water up here. I told my story last November. And my buddy... BQ, who's from the 545, helped me out because when I get nervous, which I always get nervous, I get cotton mouth. And so he went back to give me like four cups of water while I was telling my story. And so I thought ahead and got a big bottle of water, which I may completely finish, but that's all right. You know, I know for me... First of all, my name's Jeff. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is 12-19-09. I have a sponsor. I am a sponsor. And the 545 Howard's group is my home group. Here at NABA, we meet every night. And I was thinking that this is a pretty cool way to start this new year for me, is to be doing something that makes me uncomfortable. I think that's a really good way to... I mean, because there's lots of different areas in my life where I think I want to be able to make some change and will be doing some things that make me uncomfortable, like work and diet and exercise and shit like that. So it feels good. I'm glad that I'm here doing this. Thanks, Tim, for asking me. It's funny because when I was picking up my chip last month, one of the things I said was that things about being sober is that you get used to doing things that make you uncomfortable and that make you scared. And then so after I had said that, some other things, I sat down and then Tim asked me if I wanted to tell my story. And I was like, oh, you know, I'm going to have to get back to you on that. I'm just going to have to think about it for a second. And I knew while I was thinking about it that I was going to say yes. I knew I was going to say yes because I can't, you know, I can't really tell somebody else to push through the fear if I'm not willing to do it myself. I can't walk the walk. You know what I'm saying? I can't really be a hypocrite. I mean, I can, but I just don't, I think it's going to be, I don't know, I'm not interested in doing that. So what else was I thinking of? Oh, just I was thinking about the grace, God's grace. I looked up grace in the dictionary and it said, unmerited divine assistance, undeserved divine assistance. And so I was thinking about how my sobriety, I think, is graced. And I don't think I really have the right to be able to sit on it and just hide it to myself. I think that even if I have cotton mouth, I still need to get up here and tell you guys how it's worked in my life. And maybe it might affect somebody and maybe it won't. So this is it. Let's see. So, like I said, I told my story last November and I let a lot of stuff fly. Like, I didn't wear a tie and I was always told to wear a tie. I'm a cuss way too much and I already have once and I don't want to anymore. I talked about drugs a lot. And I remember when I was relatively new, this lady got up and she told her story. And she said that one of the reasons why she doesn't mention drugs at any meeting is because, you know, somebody told her that if a newcomer came in and his only problem was that he couldn't stop drinking and he heard me talking about smoking crack, that he might not come back because he can't relate to not smoking crack or something like that. And when she said that, it made me think about just how it is for another newcomer to come up here today. Because coming to Alcoholics Anonymous was frightening for me, especially the first time getting sober. It was too much for me to handle. I couldn't get past a whole... I haven't asked somebody to sponsor me and talk about things that I'm thinking about and sharing a meeting. These were all way too much pressures for me. So I had to drink for like 20 more years before I could... Before I was finally willing to look like a silly head in Alcoholics Anonymous, which is okay. It's got to be okay for me to look crazy in Alcoholics Anonymous because I got to save my face out there. But I don't have to save my face in here. I need to save my ass in here. And so I need to let you guys know that... I'm a human being and I have a lot of insecurities. And I have a lot of growing up to do. And I came into Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 39. So I still... I think I have the mentality of like maybe a 39 going on 16, 17 year old. So it's kind of frightening sometimes. But it's also kind of humorous too. I think being immature is also kind of funny to me. And I have a real sense of humor also. Okay. So let's see. I started drinking when I was 13. I grew up out here in Stone Mountain. I have two sisters. And I had an alcoholic father and a mother who was desperately trying to keep everything together. My dad was an ex-Marine and he was really rough. He used to always tell me mind over matter. He used to always... I mean, he would be really drunk. And he would preach to me about being able to change my life because I really wanted to. And I didn't realize. I didn't realize until after getting sober how some of the things that he would talk to me about I would think about. Like I guess it became part of my mantra, part of my life. Like I remember times when I was struggling in Miami and I had gone down there with the intentions of recreating myself with a new job and a new friend. And it just ended up really, really, really, really bad. And it was a lot of just a lot of feeling like I wanted to kill myself. And I would think about something that my dad had always told me. And that, you know, if you really want to, son, you can change. You know, you can do it. It's always the man in the mirror. You know, that's the only one you can depend on. And so I really thought that for a long time. I really didn't understand why I wasn't able to stop drinking and why I still felt like trying to kill myself for a long time. And so it was just like this never-ending circle of feeling worthless and then needing to drink because I don't want to feel worthless. And it just got darker and darker and darker. And so I didn't realize some of that stuff until after I got sober. I didn't realize a lot of stuff until after I got sober as far as like how I am, what I think and how I behave and how I perceive the world. I think and I still it's very much like I still feel like I'm a little kid. And I learned a lot from my sponsor. I learned a lot from spontees. Overall, I think it's really cool. I think it's really cool that I get to be able to. I mean, I'm living like a whole nother life than when I got here. Seven years ago, seven years ago, I was like I was on pretrial and for something I had been arrested in Cobb County. And and I was peeing, you know, pre you have to go pee and stuff like that. And and I was peeing dirty and and, you know, to go to the head shop and get that stuff that make your pee deceptive. I guess I've kind of gotten off the alcohol thing a little bit. But in my mind, which is very much. Very much common with me, I felt like I was going to run, like I was going to be on the run and it was going to be like a movie. It's going to be like Thelma and Louise kind of movie. And that's where my reality was a lot. I mean, it really was like I was just so out of touch with reality. I really thought I was going to live on the edge and be cool and party a lot and, you know, and be able to just make money and just party all the time and avoid the law and having to go to jail, which I did for a long time. I'm just walking a little bit fast, but it was the moment that I got to do something that I wanted to do. So I kind of got to drive and I was like, you know, I'm going to try to do something like that. And and I just thought it was really cool. And, you know, I went to King. No, he said and I just went to the movie theater and it was just one of the things I thought, you know, that I would be feeling free to do. So it was the moment when I got to do that movie in my head. And I remember I started to feel like, oh, I'm going to be able to do this for the rest of my life. I'm going to try to do this for the rest of my life. I'm going to try to sew. I mean, I tried. I did. I tried. I did. I tried. That reminds me, I mean, that's just so much of my childhood was like that. It was just, it seemed like it was just, it seemed like it was a really dark, dark time followed by a really bright Christmas with a lot of toys. So it was just chaos to me. It felt like it was just, I didn't understand, I didn't understand a lot of stuff. And on top of that, I was like, I noticed I was having feelings that weren't natural. And I didn't know what that was all about either. And so I had all these two different things going on at the same time. So I was trying to figure out how can I survive at home because my dad's frightening us. And how do I survive in school because something's not right with me and I know something's not right with me. And I compare myself to other boys and I know something's not right. And so it was just, childhood was, I hated childhood. I think it's taught a lot. It's high school stuff even more. It just did. So I remember when I started, when I first had my first drink when I was 13. And I said this before, I remember everything about the first time I had a drink. I don't remember a lot of my 20s, most of my 30s, but I remember the first time I had a drink. I remember the weather. I remember the flavor. I remember how gin and coke tastes like shit. And I remember rolling a house with my sister and her friends. And they were rolling the house. And I was falling down. And I was falling down. And I was falling down. And I was hitting the ground. And I was thinking that it didn't hurt. And I was amazed that I wasn't able to feel the pain. I was able to feel the thud, but I wasn't able to feel the pain. And I think a large part of that I liked a lot. Like I liked not being able to have to feel anything at all. That's what really attracted me to getting drunk and just getting tipsy. Was that I didn't have to feel. And then after that it became like, you know, I could fit in and I could be like this person who I thought I was, you know, funny and I could dance and everything else. And so alcohol did a lot for me. Alcohol did a lot for me. And I was thinking earlier today about how when I was young, I used to bring like alcohol to school. And I would carry these little shampoo bottles that my dad used to get because he traveled a lot. And I didn't think about that until recently. I didn't think about how, um, uh, how I liked people when people thought that I was cool because I would bring alcohol to school. Um, the first time I, uh, did some outside stuff. Um, it was the same thing. I felt like people thought that I was cool and that was important to me. It was very important for me to feel like I was accepted or that people liked me, um, because I didn't feel like that for a long time. Um, so I think that really fueled a lot of my, uh, getting messed up was, um, it was because I cared a whole lot. I got what people thought about me and, um, and that helped me a lot. That helped me to not care so much. And then that also helped me to be able to fit in with some of the people that I was fitting in with. Um, so anyways, it got out of control. By the time I was 16, I was faked into going to rehab. My parents told me I was going to see a psychologist and this guy walked in and put his finger in my belt loop and followed. I, he pushed me out of the room and went to this, uh, large gymnasium gymnasium. Cotton Smyrna is called straight incorporated and, um, they're no longer there because they had a lot of lawsuits, but there's this lady that goes to this game who I was in treatment with and she's still faced over and we talk about straight and it's funny. Cat knows her. She's a sponsor. Um, so straight was really cool. Um, I didn't like it. Um, I wondered why my friends weren't coming to bail me out because I thought I had really good friends and I thought that they would come rescue me and get me out of out of drug rehab and then we'd all go like, um, play rock and roll somewhere even though I really never played rock and roll. I remember I got a bass guitar because I kept thinking that I was going to be a rock star, but I never played. I could only play like bad to the bone, like I put certain part of that to the bone on it, but in my mind I was like a rock star. I had long hair. I had to have the whole part except for being able to play like a, an instrument, but in my mind I really thought I was still like, you know, Nikki sticks. I was like, um, I was on my way to becoming famous. Um, there are many times in my life where I felt like I was like a, a living legend. And when I was in high school, I used to wear these moccasin boots that were like Daniel Boone moccasin boots that came up to your knees, wore them outside of your jeans and they had tassels on them and nobody else wore anything like that. but after I wore them for like a year or so, people started coming out with boots with tassels all over the place and I was convinced it was because of me wearing my boots and still to this day, I'm a little bit convinced. That that's the case. Um, that's so absolutely crazy. Um, so anyways, uh, the thing that I liked the most about straight was that, um, what it taught me about, uh, just fellowship people. Like, um, I didn't want to be there. And, um, and I thought about, um, being a survivor. I thought about what I had to do in order to get out of there. And, um, he meant that I would have to appease the staff members. They would let me go up in my phases so that I could go, go home and then just run away. and so a lot of that meant staying up in group and, um, sharing about my past and sharing with emotion about my past, being very specific. And something happened along the way that I wasn't expecting. And that's that same thing that happened in alcohol, anonymous. And that's that I really didn't want to be there. But after a while of just doing the footwork, I started, started to want to be there. Like I started to want to do it. I started to want to get to know these people. Um, I started to want, to confront other people who are newcomers who weren't doing the deal. Um, we used to have to motivate and chairs like this. We would have to motivate, get called on. It's called motivation. It was like, how bad do you want it? How bad do you want to get sober? And you have to motivate really hard. So it was really weird. But, um, I never liked like noticing something like that. Had like a first thing and that these people were crazy. And then being like one of those people that were motivating hard to get called on, you know, it's like all of a sudden I felt like I was happy to come a part of that group. Um, and it felt really, really cool because it didn't involve any kind of drinking or anything else. Um, and so that was that I think that marked the absolute beginning part of my life. Um, I was there for like 11 and a half months and um, after I got out of there, um, most of the people that I was in rehab with moved back home. So, um, and by this point, like I said, I had, it was still too much for me and rehab. It was okay because we were just like forced, you know, we had to be there. But when people started getting out of rehab and going to meetings and getting sponsors are not getting, I was not getting sponsors because I was still too neurotic. I still wasn't able to talk to strangers. It was just too much for me to handle. And um, so I just didn't stop going to meetings. I think I had a couple of years sober and um, I just went, I just worked. I went to tables a lot and most of my life and um, you can always find people who are doing something that you, some kind of trouble that you want to get into on a restaurant. And um, so that's what I did most of my life. And I started hanging around with them. Um, and I had gotten into a relationship and um, so I had like about two years sober, but I had stopped going to meetings for a while. And um, we were celebrating this like Valentine's day or something like that with a bottle of champagne. And it was just supposed to be like for me, it was just going to be just one to two glasses of champagne. That was all. Um, I just want to celebrate a good time. I knew, what I, where I had been before and I knew all that shit that I've been through before. I don't want to go back to the way it was and just going to be one, two glasses and that was it. And um, so that's what started all off. It was just that bottle of champagne that turned into something else that turned into something else. Um, and it's just, um, I mean, I think it progressed slowly, but it did progress and that was the whole 20 more years of, uh, of drinking and doing other stuff. Um, and it, and it was, it was absolutely horrible. Um, you know, I remember a lot of the loneliness that I would feel when I would be drinking. Um, I, it was just horrible. Uh, I think all my whole life I've been able to not been able to connect to people. And, and, um, I think when I was drinking for a long time, part of that drinking medicated that feeling like I talked about, like I felt like it was, it was necessary for me to drink because I couldn't handle the loneliness. Um, yeah, that's something that has, that's reoccurred in sobriety too, is feeling lonely, feeling separated from people. Um, and that's, and sometimes I just had to like just cry. And somebody told me that there, when that happens, it's just feeling just to ride through it, just to cry, just to let yourself cry because it's a horrible feeling, but it's like not even really reality because I have friends and family in my life, but sometimes I have that feeling where I feel like I'm just, and it's, I haven't had in a while, um, but I feel really far away. I remember the last time I had it was here, um, in this meeting. And, uh, the discussion leader said, let's talk about happiness. He said, I want to talk about happiness. Are you happy today in your life? And I was thinking about it and I was thinking, yeah, I think I'm pretty happy in my life. You know, I just had a vacation from work and I just spent time with God. It's the mountain having a picnic and, um, feeling like I was really one with my higher power. And then I got into my car and I just started slobbing like a baby because I felt like I was just like, I felt like it was all just, I don't know. I felt like I was really lonely. I felt like I was really isolated from people. Um, yeah. So, uh, and so that's when I've talked to people about it and I even read some books. And so there's one book in particular that I'm talked about just, you know, just to go through it, just to not try to avoid it or push it down, but just to accept that feeling and just to feel it. And just to cry and that that's okay to cry. Um, and that has been, let's see. So I can talk a lot about getting drunk and all this stuff, but, um, I think it would be better if I talked about getting sobriety, which is about a half hour. So it's a good time to do anyways. Um, so about 19 years of drinking and doing all this stuff, I, um, I was, like I said, I was always, um, debating running from the law because I, I, I did not want to go to jail. Um, um, um, I did not want to go to jail. And, um, you know, what's funny about jail is that, uh, there was a, my progression of friends got worse and worse and worse as I was drinking. Um, it just did. And I was hanging around with friends who were now giving me legal advice because they had been in jail multiple times. And, um, and I knew this and I noticed this. I knew, I noticed something was changing and it wasn't good. Um, I was having to sleep with my wallet under my pillow. Anything that was of value, I had to put in the trunk of my car. Um, but I was just as much asleep as anybody else. Um, and, uh, but I knew jail was coming. Like I knew that, uh, and I thought that the only way I was going to ever stop was if I went to jail. And that frightened me. But, um, but there was also some part of me that said, you know, bring it on. I am ready. I am so ready. I'm so tired of this. And, um, and I think that's kind of horrifying to think that the only way that my life might get better is if I go to jail. Um, but that's reality for me or was reality for me. Um, so that day came and that day went and I was still not able to get myself straightened out. Um, so I was at my apartment and, um, and something told me to go to triangle. I was watching an intervention on a and E and this lady was, um, she was being, um, intervened by her family and they were trying to force her into getting help. She was addicted to thin, thin lollipops, which I'd never heard of. I'd never heard of that before. But, um, but she was running from her folks in the parking lot and they were all running after her. And I really never seen an intervention that looked this kind of crazy. But, um, but I just absolutely related to this girl. You know what I'm saying? Like she just wanted to get messed up. You know, she just, that's all, that's what, that's all she wanted was just to don't get in my way of getting what I want. And, um, and people that I love, I would just, I would just myself distance myself further away from because I don't want to get in the way of getting what I want. Um, um, because I could not stand the look on their face. Like when I would look at my mom or my sisters and I would see how hurt they were or how sad they were for me. I could not handle the guilt. So I would leave the state. Um, and that's all right with me. I would see him on Christmas only once a year. And even then, sometimes I would make up a, some excuses to why I couldn't show up on Christmas because I could not handle seeing them. It was just too much for me to handle. Um, so I went to triangle. And, um, my first sponsor was standing in the parking lot and he approached me when I went to, when I went to the triangle and he, um, we just talked for a while and he asked me if I needed, if I wanted some help, if I wanted to get a sponsor. And I said, yes. And, um, that was that complete abandon. That's where I got sober. It's been abandoned. I was there for four years. And, um, there's a lot of controversy surrounding that group and blah, blah, blah. But, um, but that group saved my life. There's no doubt about it. There's no doubt. There's no doubt that God would put Tim right there in the parking lot when I, when I went there that night. Um, I don't think that I was capable of going to meetings when I felt like it. Um, I felt like I needed a whole lot more. Um, you know, um, I needed a village of fellas surrounding me because I was incapable of asking for help. And so that's what God put in my, in my path. And, um, and it was, it was, it was cool. And I remember like going there and, um, and, uh, and just going home after the, after meeting with him and going to a meeting and talking to him about my life, about how it just felt like, just like electric. Like I just felt the good, like I felt like my life was finally going to go somewhere because I had to remember what it was like to be sober before when I was a teenager. And I would always sometimes think about what it was like. Like I had a good relationship with my family. We would go hiking and it was just, it was a bright time. The sun was bright. Like I even remember the sun being brighter when I was sober before. Um, and I remembered that. And so I felt like this was going to happen. I was going to get this back again. And I was, uh, and I was just slacked about it. And the fact that somebody was even stepping up to help me was even more slack because that meant I didn't have to do it. I didn't have to find somebody that I didn't have to ask somebody to help me. Um, and anyways, uh, they showed me a lot, you know, a lot of things that I do now, I, things that they showed me. Um, one of the first things was that, uh, my sobriety is the most important thing in my life. It has to be the most important thing in my life. And, um, and it is by what I do, not by what I say. Um, I go to many, many meetings. I went to a meeting every day for the first four years of my sobriety. Um, I did that because they talk a lot about building a strong foundation. Alcoholics Anonymous is a very big deal. You know, this isn't a freaking game. Um, and, uh, you know, and that doesn't mean that I always wanted to be there. I mean, I did not want to be there a lot, especially in the beginning. it was, I was like pumped at first. And then after a while, that pump wore off and I was kind of like over it. Um, but even still by then, I was like, I was, I was helping guys. Um, I was involved. I was doing commitments. I was involved with chairing meetings. Um, so it was like I had, um, already began to become a process of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so it was, uh, and that's what I do now. You know what I mean? With my home group that I have now, I have accountability in my life. And I know I have to have accountability in my life because I will just float, to the edge of the universe. And, um, so I have a chair, I chair meetings. I have a sponsor, my home group, and, um, I stay super connected to people. Um, I just did the GSR meeting next door, which was awesome. I just got nominated for that. So that's been really cool going down to Macon. And, um, so that's been really cool. Uh, let's see. Most of the things I learned to complete abandon. Um, my thoughts about that group has kind of, has kind of changed since I've been sober. And I guess I really don't want to talk about that, but it really is irrelevant. Um, I mean, it is, but I felt like it was time for me to leave when I did. And, uh, now, like I said, I'm part of the five 45 and my sponsor's here. Um, yeah, I was thinking earlier about some of the things that I wanted to talk about. And last time I didn't think that much about what I want to talk about. And it was better that I did that. I think, because it flowed a lot. It felt like it flowed a lot. And now I think I thought too much about, I mean, I try not to think too much about what I wanted to say, but like I'll be at work just doing stuff. And I think about, yeah, say that. And yeah, say that. And I think when I try to manage all that crap, it just, um, it just doesn't come out that well, um, which is okay. I mean, I prayed before I came up here that I would be honest and that I would remember some things. I'm kind of shot out. Um, so I'm trying to recall. Some of the things that have helped me a lot and being sober. Um, recently, um, um, I've had to talk to my sponsor about just being like, uh, like I said, I think I'm still really understanding what it means to have alcoholism. Um, cause I was talking to him about feeling like I'm, I can just never feel satisfied sometimes. Like I feel like I'm just, there's just, I'm just never enough. There's, I'm not, I'm not being my full self. Um, you know, yeah, I've been promoted, but you know, but this, and you know, it's all, it's all just whole, like never being completely satisfied. And, uh, um, and so I have since learned that that's, that's part of alcoholism. And there are many different lovely facets of alcoholism, uh, that frightened me. And, um, so some of the things that I've been doing that I learned in, uh, my home group is, um, reciting how it works because I've been able to memorize that. So I've been able to say, uh, that sometimes, and that's helped me a lot to be able to like get through a moment because usually it's just a moment. I usually just have a moment where I kind of feel like, Oh fuck, I hit my life for a second. And, um, and I'll say something like that. Like I recite how it works and I'll usually get through it. Um, and that's wonderful. But he's also mentioned, um, uh, journaling, which is something I've never done. And so I started doing that. And, um, I actually started getting some relief from that, because I would, um, but a lot of times what I really mostly got from that was that I realized that I have more good days than I realized. Like, um, I would write down about what I had done throughout the day or what I had thought throughout the day. And I would think about how I have a lot of really good days. You know what I mean? Like my life is, I mean, my life is peaches compared to the way it was before. Um, I mean, I think about how much percent should I put in my 401k, you know what I'm saying? Versus, you know, like what do I have to do to be able, to get away from the law? It's just amazing to me. I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm amazed, um, at how my life has changed so much. But sometimes I don't think I noticed that. Um, there are a lot of things that I don't think I noticed because, um, well, if I'm basically by myself, which again is one of the things that frighten me about alcoholism is that, um, the power to deceive myself, um, which is absolutely horrifying. But, um, but that's why I'm connected because if I disconnect, I will deceive myself and I will think, that that glass of champagne is a good idea. And, um, and even though I've been there, done that, it doesn't even matter. Um, and that's something else that frightens me about alcoholism. I remember when I had like a couple of years sober and I was talking to this guy, cause I was telling him about what I wanted to do differently as far as, um, sobriety. And, and we had gotten into an argument and I said, I don't care what you say. I'm never going back to the way it was before. I'm never going back to wanting to kill myself. I'm never going back to, um, wanting, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, um, and he said, yeah, but you told yourself that before, haven't you? And it was just like a, it was a really simple statement. Um, it felt like something had clicked in my brain. Uh, because at that moment I felt like, yeah, I have told myself that many times before and it hasn't mattered. Like it hasn't mattered that I'm tired of seeing a tear on my mom's face or it hasn't mattered that I think I've just had a mini stroke. I mean, I mean, right. I mean, and I would feel like that. Like I would feel my heart like missing a beat and be like, what the hell is that all about? Um, and being weirded out by that, my behavior weirded me out a lot. And, and it just, I just got used to it. I just got used to it. It's just, it's part of the, part of the deal. Um, and so, you know, so I, I realized that it's going to, it's not going to be anything that I'm, I'm not going to be able to sit home alone on my own or just on my own anywhere and be able to want so bad, never drink again and be able to stay sober. Like I know it's going to be daily. It's just what I do today. Um, and it's funny because I started doing that journaling and reading the 10th step by the 12 and 12, 12 and 12 and it started working. So I stopped doing it, which I think is also very common with some of my friends. Stop, starts working and starts working. I just stopped doing it. So, um, I still have my journal. I still have my pen and I hope to get back into it sometime soon. I'll even go out and buy like fancy, like journals or fancy pens to make myself feel like I'm a real journaler. Um, um, I'll tell you what, something else I've liked a lot about sobriety is my family. My mom is in a place right now where she needs a lot of help. She's, um, she's getting released, getting old, but she's, um, she's been through so much and that lady has absolutely saved my life more than more than a handful of times. And, uh, I mean, she is an angel on this earth. And, um, and I don't think it's any coincidence that now I have the opportunity to be able to, uh, step up and help her. At this moment where she really needs help. and it's just, uh, you know, it's, I don't know. It's kind of frightening. My father who was, uh, like I said, a raging alcoholic, he drank, he had cirrhosis, he got diabetes. Um, it was really bad. His health was really bad. He got stents in his heart. He was always a smoker. And, um, a couple of years ago, um, he just, um, I think it was on a John or something when he, when he passed away, it was just really fast and he was gone. Um, my mom hasn't had that experience. I know my mom has been like, she's been a really hard worker. She taught school for like 30 something years and she's, she's paid her dues. She's just been really helpful to people. And, um, and now she's like losing a lot of her. She's, she's just, she can't walk that well. Um, she's getting early dementia, just different things. And, but she's living through all of it. I mean, she's been through facilities before and then gone back home. And, um, yeah. And so now she's in a new facility. Um, she doesn't want to be there and it breaks my heart. Um, but, uh, but I think it comes, I know it comforts her when we talk. Um, she's been out on, um, for like 25 years. And so she said that she really enjoys talking to me because, I mean, just, there's, she just said people who are in the program talk different and that, um, she really appreciates that. And so I feel like that's a, that's not a coincidence. And, um, I really don't know where my mom's going. I don't know where her health is headed, but, um, I feel like that, uh, um, I'm at a point in my life where I need to, and I am stepping up to help my mom. Um, and that makes me feel really good because like I said, she deserves it. Um, I would not be here right now enjoying my sober life if it wasn't for my mom. So, and that's one of the wonderful things about being sober too, that being able to just be present. So I was thinking about next door within GSR meeting was rude, was, being present cause you're talking about how a lot of people don't step up for service and I know that that's true. Um, and I'm thinking about sobriety and like being, being a home group member and like coming to make coffee or chair meetings and how there are some people that usually do it all the time and there are some people that do it. Some of the time there's a lot of people that don't do it any of the time. And I'm sure it's such a rare thing. I think people don't step up a lot. Um, and I mean, and I didn't at all for, for the first time and maybe I wouldn't now had I not been told the importance of it. Um, but again, I feel like it's, um, and Dr Bob's nightmare, he talks about how it's a sense of duty, um, to be able to help others. And I just think that that's what, that's the way I feel. I feel like this, like, again, like this gift that I have is a free gift and I don't think I have a right to be able to like, just come into meetings at eight o'clock and leave at nine o'clock. I don't, I don't know. I don't think that's really cool for me. Um, so I like that some people that the people that I have in my life are actually, um, very service oriented, uh, do a lot of work through a lot of sponsoring, um, helping others. Um, the grapevine rep, I mean, just all kinds of cool stuff. And, uh, I'm fixing to be nominated for the board and I have absolutely no idea here now, but I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or what they expect. This, this is a very, um, this is a very, um, this is a very, um, but I know that, um, the large part of that is, again, it's just showing up. Just suit up and show up, Jeff. Just suit up and show up. You know what I'm saying? Like I said, I have, I don't know where that's going or that's headed. Uh, but I feel like really, um, honored that people want me to be there. Um, and that's cool. So anyways, uh, let's see. I wish I had some more really good stuff to tell you guys. Um, my life is nothing the way it was when I first got here. And, uh, I guess that the quality of my problems is completely different. I mean, I think about, like, what I'm going to have for dinner. And that could be, like, a real issue for me. And, uh, and it's kind of amazing how, like, I'll get out of that whole gratitude kind of thing. You know what I mean? Like, I won't remember what it was like when I was, when I would just be laying awake at night thinking about how I really wanted my life to end. Um, or how I'd be walking to, um, get a drink, or something else. And I would be, like, wearing sunglasses because I would be crying because I've, I just hated my life. Versus now, thinking about, do I want french fries? Or do I want onion rings? Like, I don't know what I want to eat. Um, and then, like, but not being, really being aware of the fact that seven years ago, I mean, my life was, it was just dark. It was real dark for a long time. And, um, now it's not. And so, again, I don't think I have a right to sit on that. That's, that's not my right, uh, to keep it to myself. And, um, so I'm glad that Tim asked me to tell my story. Um, I still feel like, uh, I've told it like six times, I think, since I've been sober. Um, I don't think it's really gotten any easier for me up here. I think I'm still really nervous. But, um, I know it really doesn't matter. Like I said, it's just irrelevant. Um, the fact that I get up here and do this regardless of how I feel, it's a big deal for me. Um, and so I think that, like I said, I think this is a good way to start the new year and be able to do something that makes me a little crazy. But, um, but I want to be able to become more involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. And so if this is what it takes, then I'm willing to go the distance. So thanks, guys. Thanks, Jeff. It was great. We have asked Marilyn to come up and pass out the chips. Marilyn, I'm an alcoholic. And we have our chip system here, and it marks our time in sobriety. And it starts with white chip. Signs surrender. Do not drink just for 24 hours.