Question Sixty-Eight on the Hazelden Fourth Step Asked If I Was Afraid of Red-Headed Women 😂 — Michelle B.

Now it is my pleasure to introduce Michelle. I absolutely love this woman. She tells it how it is, and I cannot wait to hear what she has to say. So, Michelle, come on up. Hello, I'm Michelle, and I'm an alcoholic. Your cell phone goes off, it goes bugged, I'm going to get you. I am so addicted to my cell phone, I have to leave it in my car, you know? And I figure for one hour, I can focus. Maybe. Um, thank you so much for asking me to speak. It's always an honor and a privilege to be doing anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. I think probably the most important job in AA is making the coffee, you know? I've been to some meetings that they've not had coffee, or you have to, like, pay $5 for coffee, but thanks whoever made the coffee, most important job inside AA. Um, I want to start off with a little bit of a joke, it's an AA joke. It's a great, I don't know, I was told, I'm a parrot. So, it says, Sponsor is getting ready to die, and this pigeon, or, you call them sponsees, sponsorees, whatever, anyway, this pigeon says, look, I need to know, I know you're going to die, I need to know if there is heaven, if there's AA in heaven, I need to know. Sponsor says, I'll let you know. So, sponsor dies, next day he comes back, he says, well, I can answer your question. I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is, there is AA in heaven. The bad news is, Saturday night, you're speaking. I didn't, I was, as you can tell, I'm not from the South. The accent that you hear is part Northern, part Canadian, and a smidge of Wichita, Kansas. Polish Catholic, so I was ordained to this. You know, we drink all the time. What it amounts to is, we moved every two years. My father believed in geographical cures. If it's true about alcoholism being an inherited disease, I still believe in all my heart. My father gave me a lot of alcohol. My father gave me a lot of alcohol. He gave me the best gift, because I wouldn't know God through AA. I wouldn't have these 12 steps or these 12 traditions. I would just be existing. So, don't take away that excuse for you. I have a solution now. I knew I was a problem. I always knew I was a problem. I was born one of five kids. I felt lost. You know, that square peg being thrown in a circle, you know, and I just didn't fit anywhere. My thing was, how do people do this? Like, get up and like, do life. It wasn't. Too far before I started drinking. My sobriety date is November 17th, 1986. I know, I know. Me too. I had no idea. I came here. I have one sobriety date, by the grace of a loving God. And it's my only one I need. When we passed out the chips, I say to myself, you know, they say, do you want a white chip? No, one was enough. One was enough. It is not a requirement. For membership. For you to go out again and again and again. I'm sorry that you do. I'm grateful that you made it back alive. But if you keep doing that, playing the game, baby, you're not going to come back. You will die. For 39 years. I had a black dress. I don't look good in it. I don't look good in it at all. I would rather go to one of our funerals in AA. People who have passed down the glory. That means they passed away sober. You know, and it's a party, if you've ever been. It's a... It's a great party. To remember when. I'm 61 years old and I'm standing here going, holy, I have 39 years of sobriety. How did this happen? I went to my sponsor. And I used my sponsor. And she says, well, you didn't drink and you're not dead. That's how you get it. Last Saturday, we ran out. We made the trek up to Ellijay. That's where my sponsor is. And we helped her celebrate 53 years of sobriety. I had to look at that chip. It had an L on it. It has an L. It has an L on a chip. And I'm like, holy crap. Maybe you can do it too. Just don't drink it. Don't die. I remember the first time that I drank. And I remember the last time. Boone Farm Wine. The alcohol of middle schoolers. But I drank way before that. So, I remember a girl and I went somewhere and we were drinking. And it was Tickle Me Pink or Strawberry Hill or whatever. And I remember cracking it open. And I remember taking a big old... Swig. See, I can sound Southern. Swig. Big old Swig. Something happened. I mean, alcohol went over my tongue into my system. It was like 10 foot tall and reached in. And I was able to breathe. My next thought was, give me some more. And there never seemed to be enough. It was like, my only thought was, what do I need to do? Who do I need to screw over? Just let me know. Just, there never was enough. And that's what I did. I did other things, too. I'm going to call it Avon. Avon and Mary Kay. But we'll get back to it. But I just drank all through middle school. I went to my 30th class reunion a while back. I never... I wanted to meet the people I went to high school with. I'd never met them. You know? And I drank all through high school. And I dealt with Mary Kay and Avon Cosmetics a lot. So, I remember graduating high school. I had the diploma, but I don't remember it. It was a blackout. I was just a blackout drinker. That's just what we did. And my parents always had alcohol in the house. So, of course, you know, like we all do, you know, add water to Jack Daniels and, you know. But in high school, what I noticed was, I would go to... There was a place... I grew up in Gwinnett County. There was a place called The Promised Land. And it didn't matter how old you were. All you had to do was slip in with 20, and you could get anything you wanted. It just... That's what I did in high school. I had drunk drive. That's my favorite sport. That's exactly what I did. I hit... In Lilburn, there's a highway and same telephone pole within the six-month period. And I totaled out two cars hitting the same telephone pole right in front of McDonald's. And still didn't think there was a problem. You know? It was that... I used to get drunk and do other things and then race on the streets. And I thought that tickets... When you got tickets, they came in a cluster. Like speeding, reckless driving, looting, hitting a DeKalb County police officer. They really don't like when you do that. They really don't like it. I don't know if I did it or not. I mean, it became normal to just drink and wind up a couple days later. You know? And end up this place and end up that place. I did try Shine one time. Oh. That was the problem. See, I just... You know? It was that jar. It was clear. I didn't understand. That was the problem. By the time I graduated high school, the way I drank was I got a fifth of whatever it was, took off the top and swore away the top. I don't understand the top thing. You know? I still don't understand that. And I just drank. Strange sort of event. I don't remember anything from the time I was 17 to the time God rendered me sober. God rendered me sober. I didn't drink. I didn't sober. I did not say, one day I'm just gonna stop drinking and we're all gonna get an AA and be spiritual. You know? If you're like me, if you're an alcoholic like me, you just fall through the freaking doors. If you're not dead... I mean, I tried prison. Good drugs and prison. But, you just kind of fall through the doors. This is it. This is the last I was on the block. If I pick up today, I will die. And I will die alone. And I can't take any of you with me. You know? This is a disease... disease of denial the only one I know what that says I don't have it I came in to the doors of AA and I don't know how long I lived down the street cold and then it was hot and strange series of events I ended up at my folks house now with good rice through people's lives garden variety I was not welcomed in my folks house for a long long time I did a lot of damage my siblings a lot of emotional believe it or not I was not a nine to five one of my period of time was I would take a bath in them and a sink and go to a bar and pick up whatever it was didn't matter if it was a man or woman didn't matter and take it home and when they passed out I'd rip rip you knew what you picked up when you picked me up in the bar and it's your fault nothing was my responsibility isn't that funny I didn't say to myself when I grew up I want to live underneath the bridge in Atlanta you know I want to be an alcoholic this is what I want in my life you know I came from the right tracks I mean my mother was a good Catholic grandmother a good Catholic you know you just don't do these things you know went to confessional I've lied my ass off whatever you know Hail Mary full of grace whatever say whatever it just didn't make any sense nothing made sense so I just drank and drank and drank I was 22 I can't be an alcoholic I'm a female I can't live on the streets of Atlanta can't be a street bum look home but we had food and shelter I can't live on the streets of Atlanta I can't be an alcoholic okay so my father's an alcoholic my grandfather is and on my father's side of my mom's side alcoholism and the disease of addiction runs rapid those of us who are in a 12 step program would kind of joke either you're still in your active addiction or you've died of it or you're in some 12 step program you know that's that's a choice I have a niece that's still out there my oldest niece she has tried this program and said nope not for me okay you know if you want to come get it and an AA I was one of those alcoholics that I needed medical attention so I ended up in Beaufort Georgia at a treatment center and I didn't have any money or or anything and went over to my folks house and the soap bluff my father said okay you know you just stay here for two weeks and we'll help you I'm thinking you have no idea see the last 34 years by the grace of a loving God they didn't experience anything I just it was enough going to it was enough disappearing for weeks on end and having some guy drop me off and my mother would pick me up and I mean how do you make an amends for that I mean and lonely and it was nasty and dirty when God granted me sober I thought I was too dirty for alcoholics anonymous if you actually knew what I did when I was out there you'd ask me to leave because that's what I got used to no I don't know I mean I was back I was three years sober before I figured out I was a blackout You know, I just didn't know. I thought, this is how you drink. So I ended up over at the medical center in Buford, and I was walking along the walls, you know, the heel tail, because if I walked to the middle, I'd fall over. And it was like 14 or 15 days, and I figured something out. Very important. There's no handles on the inside of the doors. You couldn't get out. I didn't know. That's how long, I mean, I'd just been there, you know. The first time that I had something to eat, I remember it just hurting my mouth. And then I remember standing at the nurse's station, just standing there, and this woman comes running down the hall. She says, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms. And she said, going to give you a hug. Welcome to LA. And I'm like, what the hell do you want? You know, alcohol ripped me from me. There was nothing left. I thought. Every human being is an enemy. What do you want? The only purpose in you guys is so I can rip you off. And I wanted more cosmetics and more alcohol. There was this hole in my soul, and nothing could fill it up. It didn't matter what I did. Didn't matter what I did out there. I just walked around with this hole. So I went to this halfway house, because there was no place else for me to go. And then I ended up at 8111. These women, like Mercedes Benz, and they had purses, and I just thought that they kind of hurt their family's feelings, and they ended up in AA. And they just didn't know how to drink. That's how I never heard. And I just didn't, you know, you guys aren't really alcoholics, you know. I was going there for a couple days, and one of the older women with pearls, she had pearls. You know, if I hawk those right now, I'd get about 40 bucks for them. That's how I'm, the insanity. You know, if I hawk those right now, how much can I get? The insanity. The insanity of ours, the disease. She pulled me aside after me, and she said, Baby, I think there's a place that you would fit a little bit better, you know, than this 8111. I said, Okay. She said, There's this place called Clarkston. I'm like, Okay. She says, You know, this is the bus, you know. Oh, more to me, moving alcoholics rapidly through Atlanta. I met some of the coolest people riding the buses, you know. Because you always carry your chips and make sure they're hanging so everybody can see them, you know. Oh, yeah, let's, I'll sit next to them because they're carrying the chips, you know. But, um, I was like 60 some odd days in the program, ended up over at Clarkston. This is when we were in Scottsdale Mill. I came, I fell through the doors in a time when there was no multiple choice. Nobody ever asked me to make the coffee. Nobody ever asked me to do anything. Because if they would have asked me, I would have said, Hell no. Get away from me. This and this. I'm going to sit in the back and play with my, get away from me. And so, there was a Wednesday night women's meeting. And they, back then, if you didn't have a sponsor in the readings, they said, Anybody who doesn't have a sponsor, raise your hand. I was just stupid enough to raise my hand. I didn't know what one was, you know. And everybody was looking at me and some of the women were like. So, there was like three or four women in the corner at the meeting. You know what they were doing? They were arguing about who was going to be my. Did you remember I was favorite? Yeah. They've been terminally cool. Twenty-two years old, you know. And then, this one person came out. Came over and gave me a call and said, I lost. I'm going to be your sponsor. Okay. And he says, when you get home, call me. You know, newcomers are real busy. We have lots to do. You know, lots to do. And I said, I'm sorry. I don't think I'm going to have the time to call you. Turns around and looks at the group over there. She thinks, I asked. She thinks I asked her to call me. They start cracking up laughing. And I'm like, what's funny? I just didn't get it. She says, when you get home, you pick up your phone and you call me. I'm not asking you. You will do this. Okay. Okay. And then, we all have this person. We had Justine. She recently passed. She made the mistake one time. I'm like that. I was talking to somebody while How It Works was being read. And I was talking to him. She's like, I'm talking now. And all of a sudden, somebody hit me in the back of the head. I was whipped from the head. I stood up. And Justine says, you need to shut the fuck up. And I was like, whoa. If you didn't use profanity when I was a newcomer, I didn't understand what you were saying. She says, give respect to How It Works. Just like she told me every Wednesday night. If I wasn't there, we couldn't have an AA meeting. And I was just sick enough to believe her. So, I did it for three years. I made the coffee. Every Wednesday night for three years. There was one night, I was really sick. I wasn't really, I wasn't bullshitting her. Justine, I'm sick. I have the flu. She says, well, you've got to go to the meeting. I said, well, I've got a temperature. And she's like, well, I'll do it this time, but you've got to make it the next time. You know, and I just marted it through. I lost my license. Georgia decided it'd be best if I didn't drive. I never got a DUI. You know, drinking and driving. Points, stuff like that. I just didn't understand. I mean, I had my license. Why do you mean it's suspended? I still have it. I just didn't understand. And then, they get really, really, DeKalb County gets really knotted up. I see blue lights, I run. It became habit. You know? Just like the paranoia and the, you know, the chaos and confusion. The drama. It just became normal. So, I just marted it through. And so, I got a job. My first sober job. And I put groceries in the hood. And I couldn't figure out why the eggs were breaking all the time. Eggs go on the top. I didn't know. I thought they went on the bottom. I just didn't know. And so, my, you know, my, these are things that I just, alcohol ripped me from me. I just had, like, no common sense. And my sponsor, my sponsor's my sponsor. They are a person that's been sober longer than me. They are not my bank. My marriage counselor. My attorney. My attorney. My AA member that have worked the steps. And they've been sober longer than me. And there's something that I want. I've, I'm not smart enough to pick my own sponsor. I'm the sponsor since God turned me sober. And God just puts a woman in my life and that's it. I mean, I sponsor guys too. And it's just staying sober. You know? It doesn't matter to me. I'll go to any lengths to stay sober. I didn't know about the feminine stuff. You know, like taking a shower every day. You know? Living down the streets. Brushing your teeth. You know, shaving your legs. Stuff like that. I just didn't know. So, we went to a store and bought all these different things. And alcohol ripped me from me. Some of those come in in negative numbers, okay? But when we get to zero, we start growing a lot. When I was a year sober, I'd gone to over an AA my first year. Nothing wrong with that. I have 39 years of work. If the doors will open at 12, then I was there. 65 days. I didn't drink. That was my thing too. Perfume. Didn't do any of that. You know? And I went to a meeting almost every day. And people in the program that had businesses, they would employ me. There was this one woman that employed me to paint. I had no idea how to paint. But she would pick me up before work. We'd go. She'd take me out to breakfast. And then we would go paint a house or whatever. And then we'd stop, go to a new meeting, and eat whatever, go in there. And then we'd... She'd drop me off at home, and then somebody else would pick me up and take me to a 9 o'clock meeting. That was my life. People's couches. My sponsor told me that if you're asking for a ride, she said, be outside waiting for them. Don't let them wait in the driveway. So I was out there, like, waiting in the driveway. At about six months of sobriety, a woman realized something wasn't right with my reading. Because I learned real quick and in a hurry, memorize how it works, talk traditions and promises, and how to give out the checks. Because I was told I couldn't say no. I couldn't share meetings yet. Still shaky. But she asked me if I could read. And I said, well, yeah, sure. And she asked me to read something to the big book, and I couldn't read. And so what the women did, not AA, but the women we would meet an hour before, and they just read me the first 164 pages. And they answered my questions. And then they told me to go over to Biscayne Thursday night at 8 o'clock, and sit next to this lady named Maggie. And she will learn. She will learn. She will teach you how to, you know, understand the big book a little bit more, like little snippets, instead of just a sentence at a time. And I noticed sitting in that big book study for over four years, she never asked me to share stuff to say. And she would just, baby, just, smart as you told me, you're supposed to sit next to me and just shut the hell up. I was just sick enough to believe them that if I got to the meeting early, there was some kind of a meeting going on. And then afterwards, clean the ashtrays, you know, and clean up and stuff like that. And it was free sobriety. They promised me that if I made the coffee, that I wouldn't get drunk doing it. And I believed them because I was, I had nothing else to believe in. God's thing, I don't know. Laura T. One of the most spiritual women I've ever met. She's passed on to the glory. She taught me about service work. And Saturday morning, we'd go over to Clarkston. We'd clean the toilets and clean Clarkston. That's what we did. And then we stayed for the meeting. That's what we did. And I was cleaning the toilet one time, and she's like, walking by, so how's your God? I'm like, who? On the streets, there's not a lot of time other than, God help me! In the porcelain God, if there was something there. So she said, okay, we're going to talk to your God. Oh crap, okay. She got down on her knees next to me, and I'm like, okay. And it seemed like huge. And then she started talking to this God thing. And all of a sudden, the room started getting warm. And it felt like, you know. I've had several million burning bushes and several miracles. My miracle is November 17th, 1986. That's my miracle. You know, I was not going to make it to 23. You know, woman wrapped around telephone pole. You know, we watch the news. I had no idea. At two and a half years of sobriety, I thought, this is actually a four step. I went to my sponsor, because my sponsor is the best sponsor in the whole wide world. If you don't feel the same way about your current sponsor, you need to get another sponsor. Okay. And I went to, you're getting better, baby. You're not getting better. You're not thinking about drinking. She turned around and walked off. I'm like, mother . That is not what I. And then this other woman came up and said, okay. This is what we're saying, is you know that if you drink, you're going to die. If you do other things, you're going to die, too. So you know that's not, you know, that's not the solution. So you're thinking about this. But you can't do that. Don't worry. It will go away. Okay. And it did. I met my rival. When I had about four or five years of sobriety. She sold, let's say, Avon and I sold Mary Kay. And I don't know if I ever shot at her. I don't know. I made amends to her. I know she shot at me one time. She never made amends. No, she made amends. But we respected each other, you know. And we would always joke about each other, you know, that she sold Avon and I sold Mary Kay. And we just split Atlanta in half, you know. And that's what we did. But it was funny. Sitting in New York. Sitting in meetings with her all these years. Listening to her talk, you know. She recently passed down the glory. She was sober and she's smarter than that. You know, just funny, funny, funny. At five years of sobriety, I believe ego. You have to stay sober. Carry a pigeon. I give you this message and you carry that same message. It's a carry a pigeon. I was 30 years sober when my current sponsor called me a pigeon. And I about cried. You know, it's a compliment. I'm carrying the same message. The girl with Clarkson, me and my ego. And a whole bunch. Just came and yanked me over. No, you don't need to sponsor anybody. Five years. Made the coffee. You know, clean the ashtrays. These women kept me. I would sit meetings with these women that had more time in progress than I'd been alive. I learned about service. The cool thing is that I have been down to a DCM. The most important thing about AA in service is that icing on the cake. You know, if anybody here is a GSR or a DCM. My hat is off to you. You know. 10% of the people do 90% of the work. You know, that's just how life goes. If you get an opportunity to be a service. Rotation. Two years. GSR or whatever. And then you rotate out. And then you rotate out. You don't rotate back into another position. At 10 years, I thought, you know, I'm getting older. You know. 10 years. Woo. They would come by and just pat me on the head. Keep coming back. You'll get this stuff. They're like, woo. And the year 2000, I had major back surgery. And these same women that would tell me to make the freaking coffee. And chair this meeting. And do that. And do this. And we're going to pick up somebody. We're going to take them to a meeting. We're going to take them to detox. Okay. Okay. Okay. I had major back surgery. And they were there to wipe my butt. And wipe my nose. And shave my legs. And everything. And they got me out of the bed. And they walked me. Stuff like that. April 29th in the year 2000, my baby sister died. She had 19 months. There are those two who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders. But many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. She did not have the capacity. She had 19 months. And God took her with his grace. And these same women that kept on patting me on the head and stuff like that. They wouldn't leave me alone. I mean, they would not leave me alone. Barbara would sit next to me and go, baby, it's okay. Just don't drink. You can cry. I mean, I would just be sobbing. In the middle of the night. In the middle of the meetings. I've never lost anything like this. You know, I've never cared about this. With me, there's a lot of different definitions in all of our literature. For me, when I ingested alcohol and other things, I lost the ability to care. About anything or anybody or anything. It doesn't matter. Like, just don't drink. Just don't drink. And I asked my sponsor at the time, Janice. I said, what am I supposed to do? She said, you go up to L.A.J. And you make breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And you get her children up out of the bed. And you get them dressed for the day. And it doesn't matter if anybody eats breakfast, lunch, or dinner. You're going to bring some kind of normalcy. And then, you're going to go to AA meetings. Now, see, my roots were at Clarkston, in the city. It's in the mountains. Interesting. Here I come, the city girl. So, that's what I did for two weeks. And when I went to these meetings, I noticed that they had the 12 steps and the 12 traditions. And I just got in there and got a cup of coffee. The women were like, just like, . And it was like, . And I was like, . And I was like, . And I was like, . And I was like, . And I was like, . I was like, . And I was like, . And it was like, . . And I was like, . And I was like, . And I was like, . And I was like, . And it was like, . . And then, my roots where at Clarkston. At Clarkston, Sit 90 Motels is like, . . Sit 90 Motels is like, . Sit 90 Motels is like, . Sit 90 Motels is like, . Any 7 million dollar market, a hundred thousand them withdr۔ And I said, you mean withdr.? It was. What was that even? I said, just your 요 redirected you to where that was at you this day. Right. Right. Right. ' So, I was polling her an Legal Guarantee Act, right? Yeah. And it's, yes, the women in the fellowship in AA, but the women in the fellowship here. And these cars kept on coming in. These flowers kept on coming. And my mother's like, I can't answer the door anymore. I said, Mom, I'll do it. And she said, well, who's that from? Oh, it's from somebody in the program that knew Chris. Oh, it's somebody in the program that knew Chris. She knew a lot of people. Yes, she did. You know? My mother asked me that question. We were sitting up one night drinking coffee. And she said, why did your sister die of this disease and you are sober? Do it for ourselves. When I get to heaven, I'm going to have to ask God. I didn't say that. Like some things that I say and do, that was my first like, oh, my God. I sounded wise. But it wasn't me. It's like, okay, now I understand. There are so many things. And I was sitting over at Clarkston. And this one woman got up and got a white chip. This is how confused. I was. I looked at her. Wait a minute. She had seven years. I said, you can drink again? And then Justine hit me in the back of the head. She said, no, if you drink, you will die. Okay. I sat back down. And then I was told to get up and go over there and hug her and tell her that I'm glad she made it back alive. Some of the people that I meet just go up. One blew their brains out. But one thing that I've always noticed is they stop going to meetings. Did you go to a meeting the day that you drank? No. And every time that I see somebody pick up a white chip, that has come back in, I look in their eyes and I see death. One of my classmates, we came in about the same amount of time. She was for Savannah. And she hadn't gone to meetings in about a month or so. She hadn't called her sponsor. And she took off all of her clothes and swam in the ocean. And I never found her body. This is the only path that I know. This is cool. I had foot surgery in 20 and then about a year. They actually opened up my back. I cracked three vertebraes. And I slipped some discs. I don't believe Ashland would have won. It worked. And I didn't want to be awake for the surgery. Okay? I'm taking this medicine because I need it, not because I want to. Just like the foot surgery when they took off my big toe and put it back. I didn't want to be awake for that. Knocked me out. You know? And learning how to walk again, twice in sobriety. I decided that I was going to go to college. I knew the big book. I said, my first year, Laura T. gave me my first 12 and 12. She said, okay, now you can work. Now you can, you know, read the 12 and 12. And I went to step studies. I learned about the steps. Liked it so much. I went to college again. Got my bachelor's. And I liked it so much, I got my master's degree. And funny, I work on cars. And I have a family of teachers. My sister's like, well, why don't you teach? I remember me in high school. No, no, no, no, no, no. I taught in Barrow County. And I retired in Barrow County High School. And, yeah, I taught at that high school. At Appalachia High School. And I still talk to my buddies. And I retired. I thought, okay, this is cool. I just retired. Go to A&E meetings, hang out, stuff like that. I got bored. You know that worker among workers thing? A member of society? Yeah, I got bored. So I worked for a company for a little while. I said, yeah, I'm going to teach college. So, now my father told me, when I graduated from high school, he said, you know, college just isn't for you. You need to find a man. You need to get married, have babies, and be a housewife. I'm thinking, no. So I teach college. And it's pretty cool. Because I'm the least likely person to ever teach college. And I teach students who are just like me. And that's what's so cool. You know? I learned that I learn differently. I have dyslexia. And I have a couple other learning disabilities. And we came out with, I know that they have some in the back. It is a big book. But it's in plain print. And it's big enough. And all of our literature is on PDF. I'll hook you up. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. All of our literature is on PDF file. And you can read it. But when they printed that up, I was like, oh, my. It's in big print. And I can read it. And it's wider. You know, it's like bigger than the older alcoholic. And I was like, why didn't they have that when God wanted me sober? I would have missed the miracle of these women reading me the big book. So it came on the case. You know? I have a bucket list that I have to make a bucket list. So my bucket list was to be an old-timer. My bucket list was to go to our state office down in Macon. You got it. They have a room to control you if you wear black gloves and a mask. And you can see, if you're into history, it is so cool to be there. You know? I've always been of service. I've always had a trusted service position. I'm kind of looking for a prison meeting, you know, to go to. Because I've always been jail meeting or prison meetings. The first time that I went to one, I was afraid that they might keep me. I just wasn't quite sure, you know? I wasn't quite sure there could have been, you know, that. And one of my, before I retired from, teaching, I taught down in Warner Rock in the middle of Georgia. And I was teaching for a college, but I was contracted to the Georgia Department of Corrections. And they were residents. I was always called an inmate, but we were supposed to call them residents now that are getting ready to be released. And I taught them automotive. So that was pretty cool, too. But now, teaching at a private college, it's interesting. I had no idea. I mean, I got married. I got divorced, nine years of marriage. I wish it would have worked out after a couple of four steps, you know? My first couple of four steps were pages and books. And now, the longer that I stay sober, the shorter they get, you know? I mean, there's no and, if, but, well-causing condition. I've only done the four-step out of the big book, you know? I did one in Hazleton when I was in treatment. I remember question number 68. Are you afraid of red-headed women? Should I be? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, when I sat down for my first four-step, it's like, my sponsor says, okay, this is what we're going to do, you know? And this, okay, who are you pissed off at? And I'm like, ooh, this is cool. What'd they do? Ooh, I like this stuff. This is real good. And then I have to turn it, and what's my part in it? My sponsor helps me see my part in it, because sometimes I can't see my part in it, you know? My mother passed away from cancer in 2016. I had done that living amends. You know? I was over there once a week, you know, taking her shopping. God, I hate them all, but I was trying to be a good daughter, just like trying to be a good sister, an aunt, a great aunt now, and a great, great aunt. Oh, God, I'm old. Okay. I'm old. I was hanging out with my great-grandniece, and she was like, gosh, you're so cool. I'm like, no, I'm so old. You know? But it's pretty cool. I mean, they asked me, age appropriate, all my nieces and nephews and all my relatives, you know? Some of them know, some of them have sat and heard my story, others, they know. You know? I was wondering, in the back of my mind, you know, have I done everything on my side of the street with my mother? I mean, there was that two weeks there that disappeared. You know, it's not like I was all powerful, but I know I broke my mother's heart. I might have even popped a hole or two in her soul. And I always wondered if she truly had forgiven me, you know? Because now we're just hanging out, you know? And I laid in the bed with her, and she told me to roll her over, so we rolled her over. And she told me that when I had about 15 or 16 years of sobriety, that she forgave me. And that she patted me on the leg and said, Mama just loves you so much, and I'm so proud of you. You've been sober all this time, which is pretty cool. And she left, and that was the end of the sentence. She got diagnosed. And five weeks later, she was gone, and I'm grateful she didn't suffer. And the people in AA, again, surrounded me, it's okay, just don't drink, you don't have to be pissed at God. I'm not pissed. I wasn't mad at God. I was relieved. Because I've known people that have had lung cancer and just, you know, have suffered. And my auntie, she passed away last year, and I was able to be there the last week or so. She decided that she wanted to pass away at home. So my brother was there. My brother and I did the midnight shift. And I'd been around AAs that had taken their last breath, you know, the cool aunt, you know. When my mother and I weren't oil and vinegar, I'd hang out with my auntie, you know. She knows how to leave a room. You know, she just breathed in and breathed out, and that was it. And her body got cold, and I kissed her forehead. We're going to bury her next to my mom, because she said I want to be buried next to my sister. So up there, for Thanksgiving, his last Thanksgiving, I decided to do something totally different. I brought a rake and some seed and stuff like that. I decided to spruce up my mom and my sister's grave, you know. And it wasn't like, oh, it was just, I wanted to spend time with them. I never thought that I would be a teacher, an educator, oh my God, you know. My driver's license, that's really mine, not yours, but mine. I have a checkbook. All of them have the same address, and it's been that way for a while, and I'm legit, you know. And I actually bought a car, and I had, like, credit. I signed on the sideline. I didn't sign your name. I signed mine. I signed my name. And they gave me this car. And now that I'm oldish, that's what we're calling it, oldish, I'm 61, I actually have pretty good insurance. And women who have been sober a long, one of them just celebrated 30, she came in with, she sponsored it. She's got 53 years. She's got an internship. I had no idea. I mean, I have, yeah, I have shelter and food, don't get me wrong, I had no idea that I could have this life. I sit in meetings, and I listen to people, AA gave me back this, AA gave me back that, and I'm thinking, that's just beyond my comprehension. Because before AA, I didn't have a life. AA gave me one. This is my life. I like how God, God's got a sense of humor, but I like how God's planning it out. And I had no idea. I just, you get your cup of coffee, and you sit down, and don't let anybody take your seat. And I hope that AA has been as good to you, and he's going through something, just being able to sit there and be trusted. I have another friend, she's going through knee surgery, she asked me, hey, could you come over and hang out? I'm like, me? I mean, people want me around now. It's like, okay, now what do you want me to do? Now, just taking care of them. My sponsor keeps telling me, the best is yet to come. I mean, the promises have already come through, it's part of my soul. Our whole attitude, not look upon life. Life will change? Yeah. They just don't tell me how many times it does. It does a lot. It does so much. I have no idea what she said, and they're rolling up, they're talking from the soul. My home group is BBC, it's Bell, Book, and Candle. It's an old group. Go outside and ring the bell. Everybody was outside smoking. We used to smoke in meetings, by the way. The two non-smokers were over there in the corner, and the fans were blown that way. We always took our coffee, or always took our topic from the big book, and it was a candlelight meeting. But, I'm changing home groups. A member of a home group, because I had a home bar, had a home group that tried to follow the traditions. I think I found one here, it is Bridge Builders. It's like 11 o'clock, and then Saturday and Sunday, it's at 11.30. What I get excited is, especially Sundays, people that are mandated is so tall, and it's so freaking awesome. I mean, it is just awesome. But thank you so much again. Thank you so much again for listening. Thank you. Thanks. Do y'all not love that woman?