Put the Man Together and the World Comes Together — That’s Steps 6 Through 9 – Peggy M.

She made me cry. I'm supposed to be a tough guy. I'm not supposed to cry. God. Good afternoon. I'm Peggy Martin, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi. And through the grace of God and fellowship of people like you and sponsorship, I've been sober since February 4, 1964. That seems like a long time, and it is. But it's due no credit to me, but to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to thank the committee for asking me to come here. I'm sorry I didn't get in on Thursday. I would actually like to have left on Thursday when it was about 30 below. But I had to squeeze by with about 15 below in snow. But it's always such a privilege. This is the first Al-Anon convention I've ever been asked to stare at. And, you know, I think it means I'm growing. You think? I don't know, but I love everything. I've got to tease Dinah. Dinah's the fruit lady. She brings the fruit. Well, you know how us alcoholics are. We've got to have something to moan about. And Cliff and Pat got four things of fruit. And I didn't get any. It's all right. I finally did get it last night. About midnight. No. So then I found out today that everybody had a goodie bag. I didn't get a goodie bag. Moan and to sue, you never want to moan to an Al-Anon member when you've been sober for 24 years. Anyway, because they come right back at you. They're so smart, you know. Anyway, she came back and said, well, maybe they just... decided to stop sacrificing for alcoholics. I'm just teasing, really. But I did eat some of my fruit today. So I do thank you. I love being here. I've met a lot of people that I never met before. And they're so huggy and warm and friendly. And I know I've got some old friends here. That we see each other periodically, sometimes running through airports and things like that. But it touches my heart. Touches my heart. You know, the slogan that you have chosen for your convention is one that's very dear to my heart. When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, if your eyes are the windows of your soul, the occupant had moved out six months prior. There was nobody home in my house. Or was I hiding in a closet somewhere? And when I was looking around today at some of the people, I was waking up out by the registration desk this morning having a cup of coffee. And I noticed, you know, and you look in the eyes of the people in the program, and it doesn't matter whether it's in Allen or AA, if you get a good chance, you can really see where they are. By what's in their eyes. I wanted to be so tough. You know, I wanted, I protected myself. I built my own jail. I was in my own jail for so many years. And people like you helped me get out of my own jail. Because, see, it's like, you know, it's like with the girls that I sponsor in AA. I don't have the key to unlock their soul. They have the key. Because the locks on the alcoholic are on the inside. And I can't think they'd be any different for the Al-Anon. The locks on the alcoholic are on the inside. And so we have to give somebody a little chance to speak to us so that we can talk to them. So that we can talk to them. So that we can talk to them. So that we can talk to them. We want to turn the key. And this happiness is an inside job. You know, I didn't want anybody in. All of my life, I felt like dirty, weird. You know that awful stuff? It's called silly string, I think. That kids get in those cans. Mothers hate it. I know I hated it. It's like silly putty, only it's silly string. And it comes out in long strings. And you can make big, massive piles of it, you know. And you can cram it in places. And it wants to fly off and everything. That's how I felt on the inside. Like a whole bunch of silly string. Have you ever peeled a golf ball? I mean, this is what, this is the things I used to do for entertainment. Peel this golf ball, you know. And on the outside, there's this, this thing with dimples in it, you know. And I guess I'm not a golfer, but I guess the number of dimples, it depends on how far it'll go or fly or something. It's aerodynamic. Sandy can tell you about that stuff. I can't. Then there's all this, and maybe another shot on how to make them and more, but when I unwrapped my golf ball, there was all this little, tiny, stringy stuff, you know. And you'd unpeel it and unpeel it until you had this big, huge mass of, I think it's rubber string stuff. And then on the inside, there's this, very inside, there's this icky, gooey, gunk. Way down on the inside, and it's black. At least it was in my golf ball. And of course, once I'd gotten it done, I thought, why'd I do that? You know, I don't like doing that. Except maybe that some 30 years later, I could tell you about it. I felt, you know, like I had, you know, like I had millions of layers, like an onion. And that when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, they peeled away the layers, and I cried. It's not fun to grow. I mean, there's always pain associated with it, and I hate pain. I mean, let's face it. Do you actually go to your meeting and say, wow, I'm just delighted about this resentment that I have today. I think I'll get rid of it, you know. And then it, you know, then you have to really deal with it. And then you go to your sponsor, and she says, well, you know, you have to pray for them. Oh, well, it's not that bad. You know, you can't pray for them. It's not that bad, you know. So is sadness. It's my choice how I'm going to live today. And you gave me that choice. You know, I didn't get to Alcoholics Anonymous because I saw the light. I'll tell you. I got here because of the heat. I was terrified, terrified to be able to just... I was watching all of us. You know, we're so... Would you really want to be normal? I mean, let's face it. Would you really... Not the people in this room. We would not want to... There's too much sameness. There's too much sameness about being normal. You know, it's just like watching something rust. It's really more interesting to have some sick spots. And I've got them. Believe me. You might be able to tell. I was watching us today, and we were, you know, we were laughing, and we burst... We'd cry. We'd cry all through the meetings. I never had those kind of emotions. You know, I... I just... I just seemed like I was just frozen. I never had those kind of emotions. And alcoholics, and I got to assume... You know, Al-Anons are real sick, and they don't drink. You know, I mean... For us, we can say, well, you know, I was drunk. You know, and they can't say that. You know, which makes... I love that. I love them. I love that. I love Al-Anons. I really do. The woman who works for my company is an Al-Anon, and there are six of us who are all alcoholics. There are six of us who are all alcoholics that work in that company, and she is in charge, let me tell you. Oh, I really think she's the secretary. She's in charge. I mean, she is. I never... I never knew what emotions were. I didn't know how to handle them. I didn't know what to do with them. I... So I just locked them up. I locked them up. I just froze up somewhere along the line. And here we are. We're laughing. We're crying. And we're vulnerable. We're vulnerable to each other. And those kids today, you know, and they would have the panel here. If you didn't... If you weren't here, you missed it. And I'll tell you, they make me want to cry. And I was sitting there thinking, why do they make... Why do they always make me want to cry? And it's because they remind me of my innocence that I lost, of the vulnerability. Of the vulnerability that I had years ago and lost. There was hope in their eyes. And it's so unadulterated. You know, it just... It just is there. You know, and they look at you and you think, oh, God, I just want to pack them in cotton wool and keep them that way. You know, just wonderful, wonderful, pure emotion. Dogs. I feel that way about dogs. I mean, we've all got a dog. What was the past talk about? Siesta. And her propping him up to pee and stuff, you know. Or to poop, whichever he had to do. And I love my dogs. Because there's the same kind of vulnerability and innocence and love and faith, you know, that they have with us and for us. So happiness is an inside job. And you all have given me... You've given me the key. I can be me. So what you see is what you get. And that's so free. It's such a freedom to be that way. It's real hard to come from Nebraska at this time of year. The reason is it's hard to go back. The lady came up to me before the meeting from Crete, Nebraska. Now, this is no metropolis here. This is Crete. It's a great place to live. Lousy place to visit. On the airplane coming down here, I was... You know how... I don't know how you are, but this is how I am. I can get into the most conversations with a total stranger. You know, a guy that I know I'm never... You know, somebody on a bus or on a plane or something. Because I know I'm never going to see him again. Chances are we never even exchange names. It's anonymity. Totally. So I'm in this conversation with a guy from Campbell's Soup, of all places. You know, we were talking on the plane coming down here. And we started talking about families and stuff. And got up to a discussion of our kids. And he said he had two kids, 16 and something. And when he said about the 16-year-old, he starts shaking his head like this. And I said, oh, he's 16. And he said, oh, he's 16. And I said, oh, he's 16. So I said, oh, you have a usual 16-year-old, do you? So I said, well, you know, my son at the age of 15 was like a glue head. I'll explain that in a minute. And I had a hard time. And I said, you know, the only way that I could possibly get through those days and live with him at that time was to live with him only one day at a time. This guy was mine. God! I mean, he was just shaking by this. by this revelation, you know, one day at a time, you know. I'm going, this guy's a little strange, you know. But it was such a simple thing that you've taught me. We laugh at the same things. We cry at the same things. You know, I've heard, I love Cliff. You know, that's what was my attitude towards life. You know, he and I would have been great drinking together, let me tell you. Pat would have had us both there. You know. And I love him. I love hearing him. And he says, he has certain stories that are the same, and I love them every time because every time they make me laugh. And I can see him in my mind's eye. And I can see Pat, you know, sitting there. I can imagine this little thin, sad face, you know, brown clothing all over. You know. Like a little monk, kind of, you know, observing this nutso family that she had in the living room there with the dog with poop all over him. I mean, I can see that every time. I live it again every time. And when Pat was talking this morning about being a window watcher, you know, looking out windows all the time. When our son was going through this period, you know, he was going through this period of time. I had a hard time letting go of him. I had a real hard time. Because he's my only son. He's my only child. And besides, I'm an alcoholic, and I like to control people. And I was not able to do that. And he was drinking, and he was smoking funny little cigarettes. And his hair was down to here, you know. And he was... You know, I mean, there was a little long hair in the skirt, and unsavory companions, and this sort of thing. And I... Some nights I would stand at the front window, and I would watch. And sometimes I would get in my car, and I would go look for him. Worried, scared to death, terrified that something had happened to him. Then when I'd get a hold of him, I'd say, I'm going to kill you. I know. I know. I know. I know how you're feeling. And I heard a joke at that end. And I talked to this lady who runs my company. You know, this secretary. And she helped me so much with that, you know. And I remember hearing a joke. It was from an Al-Anon speaker at a convention somewhere. He said, you see these? See these? You thought they were wrinkles, didn't you? Well, they're not. They're Venetian blind marks. Loved it. Because then I had an excuse for my wrinkles, too. So I know that. I was born in St. Louis, Missouri. There's a whole bunch of them under this table over here. I was born in St. Louis, Missouri to a doctor. And my mother was a music teacher. And I had a good childhood. I'm not from an alcoholic family. My family, there's no alcoholism in my family. Neither my brother nor my sister are alcoholic. I'm the only one. My sister doesn't drink because it makes her fingernails itch. To this day, do not understand that. If I, being the sort of alcoholic that I am, you know what I would have? I would have drank and scratched. My brother has no interest in it. That's me. I used to not be able to. I can now because I've grown. Mark Diler. Have you ever been to dinner with someone? I'm a normal drinker and you are not. They, you know, you'll have a drink and you'll be drinking. Of course, you're drinking three to their one or half or whatever. And they eat their salad and they eat their dinner. And I never was interested in that kind of thing. I don't understand that kind of stuff. So I mean, the only, my grandpa was an alcoholic. He used to hide fifth under the bathtub in the bathroom. But I didn't find out about him. Until after it was too late and I was already sober. I could have used a nip or two out of those bottles from time to time, I'll tell you. What I remember about being a child was, I didn't know whether I was a boy or a girl. I was just real skinny, real mean, very driven. I never felt equal to at all. And I have never heard an alcoholic say, that they felt the same as everybody around them. Never. We always feel weird. Now we act weird too, but we feel weird. And you know, I thought about this today. When Pat was talking, I think, last night. Because there's, she was talking about the alcoholic being like a slot machine. We pay off just enough to want to go back for more. And I think, you know, that what you people do is, you look into our heart, even when we're drinking. And you see what might be. It's just that we can't get it together. You know, we just can't get it together. So I try all kinds of things. I tried being the best scholastically. I tried being the best pugilistically. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. did box. I mean, I just did it as a recreation. You know, this big, big old guy in my elementary school that had these narrow shoulders and big, fat hips, which is not the way men are supposed to be. They're supposed to have big, wide shoulders and little, narrow hips. This guy was like a pear. He looked like a pear. And he weighed about 690 pounds. He was a great big guy. And he wore high-water jeans, you know, where they're about three inches above the ankle, you know, and these nerdy-looking shirts. I mean, he was just kind of a nerd. But he was a very strong-willed person, and I would order him around, and he wouldn't take the orders. And this one time, I ordered him to bring in some money for a fun thing that we were soliciting, and he wouldn't do it. And I, so I told him that I'd meet him afterwards. After school. Big guy. Oh, he wore tennis shoes with lightning bolts on the side, so we called him Flash. Pear man, and we called him Flash. But I did. After school, I hid behind a bush outside the elementary school at Randolph Air Force Base, Texas. He passed the bush. I left out. After he'd gone by, of course, I was no fool, and grabbed him on the back like this. And banged him in the nose with my fist, and he fell to the ground, sobbing, you know, and bleeding all over the place. And I loved it. You know, I loved the sense of power that came from felling this giant, you know, and revenge was mine, you know, until I got home, of course, in which case, revenge was my mother's. You know, I spent a lot of time in my room. I never liked changes in my life. My sister was born with very little hair. Mostly because she was a baby, you know. But, you know, some babies have got a lot of hair. She didn't have any hair. It was real blonde and everything. Along about two or three, she got some curls, and I didn't think that she was supposed to have them. So, Snooki Campbell and I cut them all off, you know, and we... I'm just always doing stuff like that. I tried to... I felt like fearless. Fosdick. Is everybody old enough in here to remember who fearless Fosdick is? You know, fearless Fosdick was a comic, a cartoon character, and he had these... he was a klutz. He was a detective. It was take off on Dick Tracy. And he'd get shot, you know, and he'd say, oh, it's a mere flesh wound. You know, I can remember those words exactly. And there'd be this big hole blown completely through him. You know, you could see. And you'd see grass and trees growing on the other side. You know. And he was just mortally wounded, you know, and he'd say it's a mere flesh wound. Well, that was my... My whole image was that of fearless Fosdick. Is that nobody is going to hurt me. And I loved to drink. I've heard of women who've come to alcohol... they drink a little too much sherry, have a vapor or two come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not that kind of drunk. Loved to drink. I did not go next door to borrow a cup of bourbon. I went next door and borrowed a fifth of bourbon, whether you were home or not. I loved, now this just shows you what kind of taste I had. I loved Popoff 80 proof rock gut vodka. I loved it. It was oily and it was cheap. When I was a teenager, I just, I loved to drink. I went with the drinking crowd. I could be bad. I had these two people inside of me. Like one person was really, really good and succeeded and made grades and was cheerleader and did all those sorts of things. Then there was the one who was that little demon that is inside of, I think, almost every alcoholic. That is just a little bit of alcohol. And she was a little squinty eyed monster. And it reminds me of that poem, you know, when there's a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very, very good. And when she was bad, she was horrid. And so I stayed good for periods of time. Then I'd be bad for periods of time. But I'll tell you one thing alcohol did for me. It just changed my world. I love the way Cliff talks about alcohol. I love the way he talks about alcohol. I love the way he talks about alcohol. I love the way he talks about it because I did not, I drank to kill the pain, but I drank to give me, to turn black and white TV into color. Like the afterburner on a jet plane, you know, boom! You know, and it goes, whew! And we're having fun! And I was always really skinny. And I always felt, you know, I really felt like I was going to die. And I really felt, when I was talking about this happiness, I really felt like that if anybody ever found out what I was really, really like, that they would just hate me. That was what it was. That if they found out what I was really, really like, they would just hate me. I had no basis for that. But that's what I felt like. And that booze would go in my mouth. And here's this 90-pound weakling. You know, I looked like a flat out of a picket fence. And I had about that much sex appeal when I was growing up, you know. I would rather fight you than love you. And I'd drink that stuff and it would go into my mouth and it would roll down my throat. And it would get down to my stomach. And it would go into my throat. And it would kind of explode in my stomach. And my waist would nip in. And my hips would flare out. And my boobs would grow. And I would get these feelings like, baby, let the sun shine in. I just, it released. It opened my cage. It did for me what I wanted. It was what nothing ever had done for me before. Ever. And like that. Worth a thousand psychiatrists. Ten seconds. Only problem. Never knew when enough was enough. I think I drank, and I think about this one clip. I think I drank all those years to get back that feeling. And it just kept taking more and more and more to do it. I ended up, went to high school, went overseas to college, got drunk in Paris, got lost with some Scotsman exploring under his kilt, ended up with some Italian, going to Mass, and I'm not a Catholic. I mean, I'm nothing at this point. You know, I'm going to Mass with this guy and he's mumbling something. I have no idea, but I'm feeling so bad. I figure, you know, when I got to Alcoholics & Anxiety, I was thinking about this. I thought that these steps were punishment for years. I really did. And I was in that church that day, in Geneva, Switzerland, doing penance for having been drunk with some Scotsman and feeling up his kilt, or whatever it was. I was scared. Anybody ever been lonely in a crowd of people? There's somebody sitting in this room today. There's somebody sitting in this room today. There's somebody sitting in this room today. There's somebody sitting in this room today. Who is so lonely, they may die. Because of it's the locks on the inside. You know, it's none of my business what you think about me, and how you love me. But it's all my business what I think about you, and how I love you. Because that's the only way I'm going to save my life. I got sick. I got cirrhosis of the liver at 23, 24 years old. I had, I had a heart attack. had DTs. They were nice DTs. Well, I mean, they weren't dragons or nothing, you know, or rats or snakes or anything. They were paisley patterns with a peer out of nowhere. You know, I'd just float in front of my eyes, you know. I had these visual hallucinations. I never heard anything. But, nevertheless, I ended up, my folks, my dad's a doctor, and I ended up getting thrown in this drying out place. Not because I wanted to be there. I did not want to be there. But because I was scared to death. I was drinking a quart of pop off vodka a day. I was getting nothing done. I had, you know, I could translate stuff. I could interpret. I could interpret foreign languages. I had all this potential. I just couldn't get it together to put it into practice. I remember saying to my husband one time, who's a member of the program, I said to him in one of my fits of peak, now, you know, marriages don't just get better like this or they don't just get wonderful even when you marry them after you've been sober. So we have our fits of peak, and I was in a fit of peak, and I said, well, you know, I'm an intellectual, which Is what I always fell back on when I had nothing else to say. You know, because it was the only thing I really was proud of, you know, was that I, he said, you're not an intellectual. You're a pseudo-intellectual. Intellectuals put their intelligence to use. I was appalled, you know, but he was right. He was excellent, you know. You bet. Well, later, too. to laugh, you know, at me. So I got sober. And what a joy. What a joy I was. Oh, man, 152 pounds of, I had a bird-like figure. Skinny legs and skinny arms and a fluffy body. Eyeballs. Broken veins in my face. Dead hair. I don't know what happens to our hair. I think it, I think we drink so much, you know, it kind of dries out the root ends or something. But it was just, it was real short and it was, it was, it's not, it's what you call difficult hair. Even today you can tell. Difficult hair means it won't do anything you want it to. But when I would pass out, I'd pass an outside, evidently I'd pass out on one side, and my hair was all flat on this one side and just stood straight out on the other side. It was weird looking stuff. And it was really freaky looking. And I was a, what I call a quick alcoholic. A very nervous alcoholic. And I used to say it just didn't take me very long to respond to things. You know, the door would slam and I'd just go like that. And I thought it was like an earthquake or something, you know. And I'd be sitting there. And you know how women are. I don't know how all of them are, but I know how I was. You wrap yourself up into this. A neat little neurotic bundle. You know, you're not meeting with your legs crossed as if anyone wanted to have anything to do with you anyway, but you're sitting there with your legs crossed and your mouth is tight and your ears are tight. And you've got your arms always across your chest, which is keep away kind of thing. And I would be so tied up like this, you know, that, but, but I had these spasms and it would just, all of a sudden, one of these things would just go boom out like that. And it would knock some new conversation out of my head. And I'd be like, oh, my God, did I jerk it out? Oh, my God, I'm messing up the paper. Is it off? Is it okay now? No, it's gone again. It's got a short end. See, I've done it. I'll take the guilt. Is it on now? Okay. Off again. On again. Off again. On again, off again. Yeah, that's us. Is it okay? No. Okay. Are we okay now? No. Anyway there's a, there's a couple of things I want to talk about. No. No, dear. Is it on now? Okay. The couple things I want to talk about, I got sober in Washington, D.C., and I was twenty-five years old. And I really think that the first year of my sobriety, I spent shaking and shivering and looking at the floor and defending myself. But I was sober and i was beginning to understand that maybe i could stay sober that maybe it was possible i didn't know when i think people who come to the program of either al-anon or aa and who decide right off the bat that this is the way it's going to be that they will be this way forever that that's lucky it's nice but the thing is i didn't have that decision i didn't make that decision um i floated around i got myself a sponsor and i will talk about that but i really there was a whole long period of time in there where i was just just protected just protected people took care of me my sponsor took care of me the people around me took care of me because i didn't ride before did something absolutely magic for me and then it stopped working alcoholics anonymous does the same magic it's just that we have to hang in there long enough to get the benefits of it if you're new in the program of alcoholics anonymous or al-anon for god's sake hang around long enough to get the benefits of the program because so many times we leave before we ever see those benefits happen we give up we say this is too tough just give it one more day oops is it on no now is it okay no can you hear me at the back okay because i can go on talking if if if it stops buzzing okay okay um see i i didn't mean to honestly i think so many times that what we do is that we you know as a as a practicing alcoholic as a just a person that what i did was i ran at the first sign of trouble i mean i i either hit you in the face and run or i just run but somehow I'd always protect myself this business here happiness is an inside job it's not going to happen overnight one of the things that I had to learn when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and have learned through the years is that things are not going to happen in my time they are going to happen in God's time and they aren't going to happen to my orders they're going to happen to God's wishes and let me say this if you don't think that your life is a miracle I know mine is because for 10 years in Alcoholics Anonymous I did not believe in God for 10 years I knew there was a power greater than myself but I did not call him God I was embarrassed they would tell me to pray and I would go and I would pray to the group I would use whatever else I was embarrassed I'd go in the bathroom and I would get down on my knees in the bathroom and I'd say whoever is up there thank you for this lousy day my prayers were not prayers were not exactly what you would call the spiritual variety you know oh but God you know when you really get right down to it what is that absence of God it's because I was so filled with my own ego there was no room for him you know an excess and ego is really a deficiency in self-esteem and when there's a deficiency of self-esteem and that excess of ego there's hardly any room left in us only when I was able to get some of that silly string out of me that I was able to admit and understand that there was a power and that power for me is called God and that is a lifelong thing for me if we are sick spiritually physically mentally and spiritually the spiritual frontier is one that I'm still exploring and I hope I will explore for the rest of my life because it's been the hardest it's been the hardest thing I've had to do in Alcoholics Anonymous I as a quick alcoholic was also just a delight to sponsor um I was terrified of myself I was terrified of myself I was terrified of myself I was terrified of being a sponsor but not be you know having to be a tough guy I had to pretend like that I wasn't and I I believe that the words you would have used for me was surly and she made me do stuff that was beneath my station like pick up my own coffee cup put away my own chair I mean that was all I could do for a while she wouldn't let me talk she said I didn't have anything to say I'm grateful to her for that really I uh she finally after I've been sober a year she said you can be greeter at your at the group and I said I don't want to be greeter I don't like people she said that's exactly why I want you to be greater you know she didn't she was like Bill you know she didn't hesitate I said to her one time here at my feelings she she didn't hesitate I said to her one time here at my feelings she she didn't hesitate I said to her one time here at my feelings she she didn't hesitate I said to her one time here at my feelings she lied to me she's she I didn't hesitate I had so much faith in me to make sure that people feel good and pero вик me so much that even though I don't feel confident and their question I'm weaker somehow sometimes me so much that even though I don't feel confident sometimes I acknowledge that she was doing something with me and it had to dash out of control and she put it away at the group because a women's gaze was making a big difference theunknown what she said but you know something and I said don't you know I'm sensitive and she said you are not Welcome to the friendship room. Get some coffee. You know, as I gradually, as I did that, I got so, you know how it is? You don't want to say it. You don't want to say that you're getting to like people, you know. You don't want to say it because, you know, you're tough. So I was getting to like people, some people, some people. And she got me working with new people. She got me greeting. She got me cleaning up. She got me picking up. She got me doing all these things I didn't want to do. She got me going on car rides out into the wilds of Virginia to hear her talk. You know, to hear somebody else talk, to carry a meeting somewhere. And we did that for a year. You know what? Something I discovered this very year. I'm not real quick on the uptake. But, you know, I've been doing those same, damn things and I've been sober for twenty-four years. I've been doing the same thing. But the tragedy, because, you know, we don't, only a little few of us stay here. The tragedy is that I think we forget that. I think we forget and we get so fancy in what we're doing or so, you know, uppity about what we're doing, we don't remember to do the things that we did in the beginning. I'm still doing it. I'm still doing those same things. I got married to an alcoholic, which shows you that I was not well. So you all can really understand that. I thought he was charming. He was fascinating. He was arrogant and I hated him. So I married him. He's been interesting to live with. We have a great marriage. We really do. We have a great marriage. He takes care of his side of the street and I take care of my side of the street and I take care of his side of the street sometimes. And he takes care of my side of the street sometimes. You know, we're human beings. You know, we have a good relationship. But mostly, you know why? And I think Cliff and Pat show this too. And Sue and Keith. You know why? Because he's an Alcoholics Anonymous member and that's the most important thing in his life. And I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous member and that's the most important thing in my life. If I do what a good AA should, or a good Al-Anon should, my marriage takes care of itself. It's like I do something over here and it happens over here. I'll do AA over here and then I think he's better than sliced bread. You know what I mean? He's super. But I do things over here and over here something else happens. It's been the story of my AA life. He's wonderful. He's funny. We had six dollars in the checking account one first, first, second Christmas. And he said he had a special present for me. And I didn't have anything for him because we had six bucks, you know. We had each other, you know. I didn't know what it was. We had this one-room apartment. It was all one room. It was euphemistically called an efficiency, I think it's called. But it was one room. We did everything in one room except the bathroom. The bathroom had a door on it. He went in the bathroom. In a few minutes, he came leaping out, stark naked. And he had a big red bow tied, you know where. And he goes, Here comes Santa Claus. A thousand dollars in the bank. That was a great Christmas present with him now. And I didn't know whether I'd be able to do that. But I do. We have our own business. After a number of years in Omaha, the company that he was working for, he was in broadcasting. The company he was working for sold the station. And we elected not to move to Atlanta. I know you can't understand that. But we had our own business going. And we've been working in that. And it's successful. And I love it. I love working because I love the feeling of self-support. I just love it. I love the feeling of emotional self-support, which is what I'm talking about in my marriage. It's emotional self-support. I'm okay. And I don't have to be so much a part of him to make me okay. I'm okay. And that is such a freedom. Sponsorship has been a tremendous part of my story. And I mean both sides of sponsorship. I mean being sponsored and having a sponsor. They have allowed me to open my doors so that I can share with them those things that I thought I would never share with anyone. We're only as thick as our secrets. And I don't have many left. It's not that I'm well because I can always come up with a new one. It's fun creating material, you know. But sponsorship has been so important. And, you know, there was a story that I heard just recently about a father who was going to take his child to McDonald's or something for a treat. And he was doing something. He wanted to finish doing it. And so he took this little boy. It's always bothering him. You know, they always, when you get on the phone, they go like that and pull on your clothes and stuff. So he took this picture. He took this picture of the world and cut it up into pieces. And he mixed them up. And he said, now, when you get to put this picture of the world together, come back and we'll go to McDonald's. Well, the kid came back in, you know, a minute or two. And the father said, I thought I told you to put that. You couldn't have got that thing together yet. He said, well, there was a picture of a man on the other side. So I put the man together and the world came together. Now, isn't that the sixth and seventh and eighth and ninth step? If you put the man together, the world comes together. It's not my business to be telling the world what to do or you or anything else. And finally, because it's getting late, sponsoring people reminds me of this story that I heard. And it's about a man who was walking along the beach. And he saw a figure in the distance. And this figure was throwing something. And when he got further along, he saw that the sand was totally covered with starfish. And that this man was picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean. Because, you know, starfish can't live outside of water. And so the man who was walking. Said to the man who was throwing, what are you doing? And the man said, well, I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean so that they can live. And the man who was walking said to the man who was throwing, what possible difference can it make? There's hundreds of them here. And the man who was throwing stopped a minute. And he said, it makes all the difference in the world. To this one. Thank you so much for having me and for throwing me back.