Pray and Row the Boat — Prayer Alone Won’t Get Me Through – Sister Maurice D.

I'm an alcoholic and my name is Sister Maurice and I approve this message. How are you? Hawaii tells you I come from a little place called the Bronx. It's part of New York City and it's famous for two things. One the people born and brought up in the Bronx are the only people in the entire world that do not have an accent. And the other thing. That we are famous for. There are only two places in the world that have the in front of them. One is the Bronx. And the other is the Vatican. And I am proud to be associated with both of those places. Give or take a little bit here and there. I would like to thank each of you. For coming to be with me. On this the most important day of my life. It's not my birthday. It's not the anniversary of anything in particular. It's just simply the only day I have. And when people come to be with you. At such a significant time. Like the only day you have. You try to remember them. At least I do. And I'll try to remember you. Because you are here with me. On this the most important day of my life. If I fail to be grateful. I may lose the gift. And I would like to thank Sarah and the committee for inviting me to come to this beautiful part. Of our country. To share my experience. Strength. And hope. I would also like to thank. The host. That was assigned to take care of me. And my companion. Sister Rose. His name is Reza. And he should be listed. In the directory. As the host. With the most. He has been a power. Of my life. And I would like to thank. Sarah and the committee. For coming to be with me. On this the most important day of my life. At such a significant time. To be with me. At such a significant time. To share my experience. Strength. And hope. I'd also like to thank. The host. That was assigned. To take care of. Of my life. And hope. And hope. That has been a power. Of example. To us. And we're very grateful. To you. Reza. It's nice. To be. Invited. There was a time. In my life. When people stopped. Inviting me. I used to go. Anyway. And then. I'd make a. 30-day retreat. Wondering why. I wasn't invited. Back. So. To be invited. Today. It's very special. To me. I was sitting. With my. Higher power. Early. This morning. And I was talking. To him. And he was talking. To me. About the meeting. Last night. And he said. To me. Isn't it a shame. That Craig. Had such a hard. Time. With all those. Nuns. And then. God said. To me. But didn't. He get. A great. Education. I taught. First grade. For. Me. First grade. For many. Years. And every. So often. I think. About. Maybe. I'll go back. Teaching. First grade. And then. I get. Things. Like. This. Put. Together. By. First graders. God. Bless. America. Through. The. Night. With. A. Light. While. While. Shepherds. Washed. Their. Socks. By. Night. I. Led. The. Pigeons. To. The. Flag. Blessed. Art. Thou. Among. Women. And. Blessed. Is. The. Fruit. Of. The. Loom. So. Last. Church. And. A. Priest. Came. Out. And. Said. To. Him. The. Mic. Isn't. Working. But. We're. Going. To. Get. It. Fixed. So. He. Said. I. Can. Wait. So. And. Also. With. You. If. You. Don't. Remember. Anything. I. Share. This. Evening. Please. Remember. This. Because. This. Is. How. I. Want. To. Be. Remembered. It's. The. Most. Important. Law. I'm. A. Woman. I'm. A. Member. Of. A. Religious. Community. I'm. An. RN. A. Real. None. I'm. A. Member. Of. Alcoholics. Anonymous. In. Good. Standing. In. Particular. The. Thing. Is. Sister. Maurice. One. Of. The. Things. That. I'm. Partial. To. In. Our. Fellowship. Is. That. It's. A. Fellowship. Of. Equals. There. Are. No. Titles. In. Alcoholics. Anonymous. At. Least. We'd. Match. Any. Other. Group. That's. Out. There. And. Yet. You. Have. Never. Been. Anything. Else. In. This. Fellowship. Other. Than. Sister. Maurice. Isn't. That. A. Title. New. York. But. Moreover. It's. The. Name. That. I. Gave. To. You. When. I. Came. Into. Your. Beautiful. Presence. A. While. Back. Now. A. Call. Had. Been. Made. For. Me. When. I. Came. But. Little. By. Slowly. Thanks. To. You. That. Has. All. Changed. For. Me. So. Much. So. That. I. Can. Say. Quite. Comfortably. Today. I. Choose. To. Live. The. A. Way. Of. Life. And. When. I. Talk. About. Something. Being. A. Way. Of. Life. It's. Not. An. Incidental. Experience. It's. Not. Something. I. Do. When. The. Spirit. Comes. From. The. World. I. Have. A. Life. I. Have. A. Life. And. That. Is. My. Life. I. Have. A. Life. And. A. Life. Is. A. Life. And. My. Is. My. Life. Is. This. Moment. That. I. Some. achel. Be. A. Life. But. I. Value. Every. Energy. And. holders. My. Life. Is. My. Life. Belong. An. Knot. Now. say that beginning first when I awaken in the morning I don't know how you sleep of course I don't but I sleep primarily on my right side and when I awaken in the morning I don't even know I have two eyes because this one's buried in the pillow before I go looking for this eye the very first thing I do I announce before my God I am an alcoholic it sets the tone here it puts me on the right wavelength and any time thereafter that I say I'm an alcoholic I am reminded that of all the things I do each day that God gives me my most important job work task assignment is that I stay sober and I do that best through the principles and traditions of alcoholics anonymous as they have been written when I came to you a while back you gave me a book and you called it big I thought it was an interesting way you described the book the gal who gave it to me was much shorter than I was and she stood out in front of me and she said here is a big book look no coincidence I'm very farsighted and I saw some fellows over there putting some shiny signs on the wall and my eye hit upon the one that said keep it simple and as sick and all as I was I was able to make a connection and I said to myself wouldn't dare say it to the lady boy do these people practice what they preach because you can't do that you can't do that you can't do that you can't do that you can't get much simpler than that here is a big book of course now we have the paperback which I call the small big book I don't call it the small book and I don't call it the little book I call it the small big book and the reason I do that is because there's another book in the bookstore in the mall called the small book and it talks about being an alternative to alcoholics anonymous so I call ours the small big book well you know you introduce anything new in AA they send for you this fella came to me one night he had a small big book he's pacing up and down and he's saying hey sister you call this the small big book I said I do he said that's a contradiction I said what do you mean contradiction he said small big small big I thought for a moment and I said well we have had jumbo shrimp for years now if you didn't get that you could talk to your sponsor well I took the book from you the one that you called big and this is what you said to me you told me I should read the big book of alcoholics anonymous I should study the big book of alcoholics anonymous I should believe what I found there I should share what I believe and I should practice what I share and then you said we suggest you do that along with the people who know how to do it best and you called that out for the fellowship and then you put that whole thing together and you said to me that is a design for living that really works I don't know about anything I said let me see what I can do and that design for living has worked so well for this lady here that I don't spend a fleeting moment of my precious time looking around for alternative ways to go I need all the help I can get believe you me but it is always as a secondary measure to the program alcohol became a way of life for me in a very short period of time it dictated my moods it made my decisions it said you will and it said you won't I found it very hard to eventually surrender to the fact that whenever the first drink I thought maybe the 21st but whenever the first drink of alcohol went into this body mind and spirit two things happened one I didn't know how many more I was going to have two I didn't know what the behavior would be like however if you met me along the way and you said sister how many drinks did you have or will you have I would have said two because that's what a lady should have and if you said to me what was your behavior like or what will it be like I would have said steady as you go because that's how I saw myself but I know today it was very different I was a first grade teacher at the time and I had the reputation in those days of being the best teacher in the school when the children came to first grade after Labor Day each September by the end of September my kids were ready for college so at 10 o'clock in the morning I'd be working very hard with these kids and something would start in my body mind and spirit and it would be screaming in there you need a drink and the very next thing I would do morning after morning I would put up against the screaming what people told me I had so much of and that was willpower and the willpower approach was futile and I went on to learn and I'm glad I did that it wasn't that I was a weak-willed individual but rather I was a diseased person I was a sick untreated alcoholic and when you are in that condition it goes beyond the strength of your will rather than to satisfy what's going on in there so I'd move to the next phase of the game plan morning after morning and I'd say it's a couple of minutes after 10 these kids can go out to the bathroom then they can have their snack I'll get the teacher next door to keep an eye on them because I'm a responsible teacher and then I'll run over to the convent get a drink be back when this is all over and I'd be running across the yards of the convent morning after morning and this would be my thinking this is going to be my last drink at least until I've done my day's work I was too sick to recall in those days that at 5 a.m when the big bell went off to get us into our day my story goes back to old God's time before we went mod and we had this bell that went off at 5 a.m and for me to get into anything in those days I had to reach over from my bed and take that drink and I hated doing that and each and every time I did it I would say this is going to be the last one at least until I've done my day's work so whenever I would take the first one every thing would center around when am I going to get the next one and yet if you met me along the way and you said sister who or what is the center of your life I would have been insulted by the question you just called me sister you see how I'm dressed every piece from stem to stern you just saw me come out of that building called convent and you're asking me who's the center of my life how come you don't know the center of my life is God I would have been insulted by the question today I choose to live honestly thanks to you and I have no problem in sharing with you that somewhere along the line the focus in my life shifted and it shifted from God to that next string and I justified the use of alcohol in my life I might say too because may b someone needs to hear it. It was not one of my goals in life to become an alcoholic. I do not recall getting up a dark and gloomy day, a bright and sunny day saying, today's the day I'll be by six tonight. I'll destroy me and see how many I can take with me. I do not see alcoholism as self-inflicted. I believe it is a sickness that comes to a person. That's my opinion. I think it's a marvelous and wonderful idea that we have steps that suggest to us that in God's time, we make amends because we are accountable. But I don't hold myself responsible for the sickness that came to me. However, I hold myself very, very, very responsible for the precious life-giving gift of sobriety that has been given to me. I did not get sober. I tried to get sober. I couldn't pull it off. I don't believe a person can get sober. That's my opinion. I believe something bigger, greater, outside of the person takes place. They call it a miracle. And I believe the precious life-giving gift of sobriety is given. And I believe it's given by one bigger, greater than all of us put together. I choose to call that one God. So I feel very responsible to take care of myself. I feel very responsible to take care of myself. I feel very responsible to hold and hold onto that most precious life-giving gift of sobriety that God has given me . . . so much so that I have no problem in sharing with you, if you should ever hear that Maurice is back drinking, please, please don't call me a victim. Call me a volunteer. And the very next thing you should say, somewhere along the line, she wasn't willing to do everything necessary to stay sober. I cannot plead ignorance today. You have taught me and taught me well how to take care of the precious life-giving gift of sobriety each day that God gives me. Going back to the scene in the bed with the eye in the pillow, the second thing I do each morning before I go looking for the eye, I pray the Lord's Prayer. And when I reach the part of the prayer that says, give us this day our daily bread, I emphasize the word daily because I want to remind myself that I will have sufficient bread, sufficient help for the day. He will not refuse anyone who asks for the bread for the help. It's my responsibility then to take that bread, that help, and to use it to take care of the gift of sobriety for the rest of that day. There are advantages to years of sobriety. I've had them. But as the years of sobriety increase, so do the perils of smugness. Complacency is a killer. The little sheep that strays from the flock is usually the one that's found in the ditch over the embankment hanging from the barbed wire fence. A favorite fruit of my life is the one that I eat. I eat it every day. I eat it every day. I have a meditation. And the meditation is the banana that leaves the bunch is the one that gets skinned. I have a drunk log that tells you quite well that all by myself, I can stay very sick and quite drunk. But I truly believe I cannot stay sober and fairly well without you. Well, how do you really know that Maurice you've never left us when God was giving out ears I thought he said beers and I said two large ones I am an excellent listener to the sharing of other folks I was affected physically mentally spiritually socially emotionally physically I fared out pretty well there were times I tried to arrange my own physical death I used to take the car leave the Bronx go across the George Washington Bridge up into Jersey and I'd pull over on the Palisades Parkway and I'd say when those folks are gone when those cars are gone I'm going to run this car over the embankment because I don't know what's the matter with me and then I'd have what I call today a moment of amazing grace and I'd say I'll go get a drink I'll come back and do this another time so I was not to die physically but there are other ways of dying perhaps you can identify I suffered the death of my values I suffered the death of my integrity I suffered the death of everything I stood for as a woman everything I stood for as a sister all those areas of my lifetime outwardly I looked pretty good held a job did it fairly well tried to keep up with my responsibilities and above all I always said my prayers no matter what shape I was in I was always praying away and some of you have shared with me that you thought you missed the boat because you didn't pray enough listen I prayed enough for you and all belonging to you so this disease must be no matter what shape I was in I was always praying away and some of you have shared with me that you thought you missed the boat because you didn't pray enough listen I prayed enough for you and all belonging to you so this disease must be so big because I was 100%. and indeed it is and indeed it is that something I was afraid of has Blessings is not against me or that love has familia'med against me am but now that הא from this task is because I stand to a life as anпонuu as powerful as prayer will not take it away i don't believe you can just pray your way through alcoholism and yet we say where will we be without prayer prayer is a path where there is none but i think for folks like you and me there's another piece that goes with the prayer pray and row the boat and this beautiful way of life this design for living enables us to do that to pray and to row the boat i denied that alcohol was my problem i was somewhat relieved when i learned that denial is the major presenting symptom of alcoholism and when you're in denial with this disease you are not in touch with reality what i knew about my situation would fit on a postage stamp what was happening in my life was as big as the state of california but if i didn't have it up here when it was presented then it didn't happen now i had hundreds of people talk to me about my drinking some of them wanted to be mothers at an early age the never that one coming in there and talking to me about my drinking and my behavior my mother was in the hospital at the time having a total hip operation she was there a long long time months and months the operation wasn't as perfected then as it is today now i think they do it going up and down in the elevator i went every day to be at my mother's bedside because that's where a good daughter should be and one day my beautiful mother beautiful irish lady soft-spoken lady she said to me in a whisper if you don't come tomorrow it'll be just fine now that your mother has passed i told her why do you want your baby at a hospital now how could you imagine at that point i could say to myself i'm destroyed you all the doctors have a lot of work to do around the convent and the school why did you skip a few days and i sat there thinking wow there she is with all her pain and she's thinking of me I don't need you around this hospital drunk. I have one sister and she's a sister. I don't call her sister, but yet she's my sister. And during my act of alcoholism, my sister secretly wished she joined a missionary community and lived in Mexico. It's very hard to be proud of a sick, untreated alcoholic. I know that today. I didn't know it then. Well, my sister came to the hospital to visit my mother and she gave me one of those come outside the door kind of winks. I dutifully went outside. I figured she needed my advice, my opinion. My sister towers over me. And like my mother, she's a beautiful, soft-spoken lady. And in a whisper, she says to me, why? Why? Why would you come to this hospital at four o'clock in the afternoon drinking? I was just about to give a lecture when it dawned on me, we've been down this road a hundred times before. To the best of my recollection, not a word did I speak. But being a typical alcoholic, and that's all that I am, couldn't let well enough alone. So I took my right hand, the more powerful of my two, and I belted her. Surely thereafter, two nurses came running down the hall and they are yelling, sisters, sisters. They were not calling us sisters because we were related by blood. But we were dressed like sisters used to dress. Some still dress today. My veil was on the floor, hers was someplace else. Now, I learned a few years later that one of the major rules in this hospital is that no patient leaves their room unescorted. Before coming out with crutches, wheelchairs, all fours. Well the word got around quickly there were two nuns out there killing one another. Now, in the midst of this chaos I had a couple of concerns. Interesting enough I did not have the concern maybe I shouldn't abelter, I did not have the concern may be I shouldn't have had the last drink before I came down here. My major concern as I'm looking up at my sister, is why did she scream that's how we got the gathering well you know i look back today with a sober clear head do you know it's perfectly normal you belt someone they let out a hoop the other concern i had my purse had fallen onto the floor making a rather loud sound as it fell to the floor i wasn't too concerned about the few dollars in the purse i have a vow of poverty i i kept it quite well during this time but i was very concerned about the pint of holy water in the purse one pint of christian brothers brandy and what is the thinking of a sick untreated alcoholic no one leaves here with that purse other than you know who now there's only you know who you know who one word to describe someone who'd be in that position and i had to go through a lot of other descriptions before with your help i could get to what's proper right and fitting and if there's anyone in this gathering who sees themselves in this first grouping i would suggest that you leave that thinking here because it does not apply i had to go through bad hopeless weak will sinner you should know better but the way i would describe someone today would be sick unwell not playing with full deck that's respectful or i heard a fellow one night at a meeting he described himself he said he was a quart low i heard another fellow another night he said he had a photogenic mind he just never had any film in the camera i had to go a ways before i could see myself as sick and unwell if you drink and you drive you might miss the mark i was always behind the wheel of a car it was an insult to show on your face that you would drive us home i brought you there i bring you home the plot that used to amaze me sick and all as i was after we'd have the big hoopty do about the fact that i shouldn't be driving they'd all get in the car and drive with me my first accident july of 1970 my good friend sister rose was in court over the dismissal of a teacher from her school there was a big to do in the diocese about this case she had a prominent lawyer appointed by the diocese and i said i'll be in court to help the lawyer help rose well how do we affect the people on the other side of the coin the night before the trial she called me up and she said maurice please don't come to court and my thinking was wow there she is with all her pain and she's thinking of men well i have heard rose share her beautiful al-anon story and indeed she was thinking of herself and rightly so it was not my style to push i said you know what you'll have a lot of paperwork to do i'll go to my classes i'll meet you downtown at lunchtime you can brief me and i'll advise you for the afternoon session and to be rid of me she said fine well i was in graduate school that summer and i drove well fortified from the top of my city the bronx to the wall street section of my city it was five minutes after 12 lunchtime a working day in wall street and the weather was clear those are the things they tell you at the top of the police report it's very important for our situations to know the weather a united states mail truck that was parked by the curb minding its own business got in my way and i smashed into it and when the policeman came on the driver's side first word out of his mouth you couldn't miss it he said sister that was a little taken back by the next part he didn't say sister are you hurt could i call someone you think women will ever be ordained he said sister could you have been drinking a moment i wondered how the guy got on the police force as was my style officer could i help you so i proceeded to tell the officer about my friend who was in court being persecuted etc etc well i went into a blackout eventually a pass out i woke up in a convent a short distance away i woke up in a strange bed half my clothes on half my clothes off i'm looking around where am i what happened how did i get here it was not my custom then certainly not my custom today to wake up in strange beds however i'm around long enough to know you have your story but at a time like that we all have the same tricks of the trade where am i what happened and how do you get out of here i could hear some talking to a partially open door so i tiptoed over i was glad the door was open a little bit so i didn't have to squeak it you know we may be sick but we're not stupid we don't go over throw the door open and say what the heck happened we go over you put an eye out an ear out to see if you could pick up a little something because you hear these voices and you know from previous experiences they will be questioning you and you don't know anything so i peek out and i see rose and i knew his rose there everything was going to be fine the other sister neither of us knew the lady she was about seven feet tall she was like a lunatic i got to the door peeking out and listening the big tall lady screams at rose your friend is on pills or she's drinking and in order to help her you're going to have to hurt her i thought that was poor advice the eye and the ear in i went back to bed to get a little rest to handle rose who came in and asked the going question in our lives at that time what happened i told it as i saw it i lost control of the car because i was so upset about the court case now i had the car fixed back out on the road three weeks had passed every time you talked to rose she had this question when are we going to tell your mother about the accident never what do you want to tell my mother the car is fixed well the car is in her name so what what has that got to do with anything then the fears that set in for the sick untreated alcoholic what if rose tells your mother so i called rose up invited her out for supper my tree took her to a little restaurant leaned across the table in the restaurant and said if you dare to tell tell my mother about the accident. Someday you will come out of your convent. I'll be sitting in a car. And when you cross the street, that will be it. That is called threatening someone's life. Now, I always share that in my story. And one night, a hundred years ago now, that means a long time, I was speaking someplace and we had a friend at the meeting. She's not in recovery, but she came to hear me speak. And at the end, there was a little commotion because she was trying to get up to me. Finally, she got up to me and I said, what's the matter with you? She said, do you really think you would have run over Rose? Do you know, up to that moment, no one had ever asked me that question. Not even Rose. I said, let me tell it to you this way. Of myself, no, I wouldn't hurt a fly. As a little tot, teenager, young adult in the convent, a hundred years, that means a long time. You never knew I was around. I was always high. Now, what did I have to offer? I'm a nothing. I wouldn't harm you. But you know, you put one drink in here, the first one, and you can paint the most tragic scene you can think of. And I could be the one heading it up. And I always like to point out, because sometimes people think, well, you know, we know you were an alcoholic, Maurice, but see, you're a nun, you're a sister. I also like to point out, that it wasn't that I was at mass the next morning, or that I was reading one of my 10,000 religious books that I had in those days, and the thought came to me, you shouldn't kill Rose. You know what happened? It was another moment of that amazing grace. It just wasn't to be part of my story, or part of Rose's, that I would run her over. And I also like to point out, that that hasn't changed in 33 years of continuous sobriety. You put one drink in here, the first one, and you can paint the most tragic scene you can think of. I don't know another disease, condition, situation, like this one. How blessed are we to have been called into a way of life where we can keep that kind of situation in check, and be able to get on with the life that God wants us to have. How blessed are we? If I fail to be grateful, I may lose the gift. And if I'm truly grateful for the gift of sobriety, I will take care of it. Well, the disease was moving along, and one day I got a call from my boss. Now, in those days, if you got this kind of a call, you would have to go to a call from the big boss. It was in the same category as the Pope called you up and said, I want you over here in Rome. You never heard from the big boss. She'd have her secretary call, one of the counselors. She called me personally. If she did call you, it was for either of two reasons. One, you were in trouble, or there was a special assignment that only you could do. So, I'm driving up to see the boss, and this is my thinking. I have enough to do. So, we get there. We have a little chitchat. She says, Maurice, I'll get to the point. Some of the sisters are saying that you drink too much. In those days, you wouldn't ask a question of the big boss. I asked a question. I started when I asked it, but I asked it. I said, well, where are they? And she got a little nervous, and she said, oh, she said, they don't want to be mentioned. And, you know, in a very sick and negative way, I would not recommend this to you. I would not recommend this to you. I would not recommend this to you. I would not recommend this to anyone. I was into one of our steps at that moment. Made a list of all people who had harmed me and asked God to be rid of them. Well, I asked her another question. I said, do you really know anything about me? Because in those days, there was a gap between the big boss and the rest of us. We had all these other bosses in between. She said, well, I have a file. She went over, and she peeked in, and she said, oh, I didn't know you were doing this in the diocese, and, oh, you just got this award, and you're going to get your master's degree. And she closed the file, and she said, you know, Maurice, I will never, ever again believe this about any of our sisters. I said, that's a good policy to follow. She gave me an apology, and off I went. And I walked back to the car. I had one thought right here. She will never, ever, ever send for me again. She never did. Next time, she arrived unannounced and put me away. So when I learned about denial, not being in touch with reality, I like to keep things simple. Alcohol makes the alcoholic feel fine. Therefore, he or she thinks everything is fine. Meanwhile, the people looking on are saying, oh, here we go again. When I learned that, it helped me. I was angry and resentful at this time. Angry with God. I had given my life to God. What more do you want? I love the word relationship. You've been my teachers about relationships. Prior to recovery, as a little tot, I put a game plan in place, trying to relate to this God, whoever or whatever he was. And I continued that same game plan all the way into the convent, some years later. And it went like this. I sat up straight. I knelt up straight. I disciplined myself. And we didn't have the expression in those days, but the expression that would have applied when they had done that. And then when I was drinking, it was taking God on. If you don't need me, well, I don't need you. And if I don't need someone bigger, greater outside of this lady here, I wonder who I think I am. So I was angry and resentful with God. I was depressed during this time. I was in the convent many years before I picked up alcohol. Didn't like taste of alcohol, didn't use alcohol. On the 5th of January, 1967, my beautiful father, Maurice, he went to God. And upon his death, when he looked eyeball to eyeball into the eyes of God, at that moment, his eyes were opened. And he said, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And that was his perfection for anyone, I believe. And whatever you lack, you will receive at that moment. And that's how my father received sobriety. She died of alcoholism at the age of 58. And I buried my father and I went way inside and I came out with a drink in my hand. And I can say quite comfortably today, my father and myself were carbon copies of one another with one big difference the way we were to receive the precious life-giving gift of sobriety so i was using alcohol to lift me out of a depression i was getting more depressed the bargaining stage one bargain i like to share on i got into bed this particular night always had my prayer beads rosary beads praying away i'm hanging on to the sheets with the other hand i'm no sooner in the bed and i have to get up and get a drink and i said to god i don't want to drink anymore tonight please help me i'll do more work for you and for your people please don't let me drink tonight well see the first drink of the day always has the final say and of course we had had that so the covers get pushed back and the prayer beads go to the floor and you get up out of the bed and you crawl along in the dark and you find your hiding spot you get your bottle and you do something you don't want to do you take another drink and after i took that drink that night i beat that floor and i doubted the existence of god how could it gotta love me the god that i was to relate to how could you allow me to be in that condition i'll bet there's no god i live in downtown manhattan right in the heart of new york city and when i'm in town i drive on the fdr drive the east river drive and i see our brothers and sisters yours and mine they're on both sides of the same road they're on the same road and they're only in that direction sides of the highway. They build their homes there out of cardboard boxes and crates, and you see them frying an egg, and they need a jacket and pair of shoes. They have little brown bags. I only had one kind of brown bag. They have my kind and other kinds. And if those folks, our brothers and sisters, went over to the guardrail and beat the guardrail and doubted the existence of God, we'd say, poor sucks. What'd they got going for them? I'm in a beautiful convent at the time. I want for nothing, and alcohol brought me to the point where I doubted the existence of God. As we say in here, whether you come from Yale or jail, Park Avenue, Park Bench, what does it matter where you came from? I think it's very important to get to know your history, your story. But I put more energy into, where do we go from here? Whatever happened this morning, yesterday, a week ago, a year ago, or a hundred years ago, you have taught me to learn from the experience, but not to let it stand in the way of putting one foot in front of the other and being that person that God created you to be. The other thing I did that night, I cried out at the top of my lungs, isn't there anybody, anywhere? Who knows what I'm going through? Because each one in the throes of the sickness thinks nobody, nobody knows what I'm going through. Well, I didn't know you were up the street and down the road and over the highway and across the country going through the same thing, but I'm mighty glad that somewhere along the journey, God saw fit that we would find one another in this beautiful fellowship. And it is God who has arranged our meeting. I truly believe that. Maybe S. Lewis, you've heard of him. He says in one of his writings about relationships, he talks about relationships in general. And he says, it's as if God says to the people in the relationship, you have not chosen one another, but I, God, have chosen you for one another. If you think of the relationships that you have in the fellowship, would you of yourself have chosen those people? Maybe yes, maybe no. I would like to think it was arranged, like happened at the gatehouse in Akron, Ohio, with Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob some time back. And do you know, as a result of that arranged relationship, that's how we get to be here this evening? Wow. Well, today I make bargains, deals, promises, commitments, and I follow through. I attribute that to one factor, one fact only. I don't drink alcohol. Well, I'm sober. Very significant to Maurice's life. And the final stage is acceptance. The disease was moving along, and finally it all came to a head because I had two exceptional do-gooders in my life, my sister and Rose. And keeping it very simple, they snitched. They blew the whistle and turned me into the boss that I had charmed a few months before. They brought the boss to my mother's where I was hiding out. I noticed a marked difference in the boss. She wasn't interested in anything I had to say. And she spoke past tense. She said things like, arrangements have been made. And they're expecting you in Lutron General Hospital in Park Ridge, Illinois. I listened. She said you could go Friday or Saturday. I listened. Then she said, there you will find out what is wrong with you. And all of a sudden I said to myself, there isn't anything wrong with me. And then she said, you'll be there for 28 days. And I said to myself, I won't be there for 28 minutes. But you know, sick, not stupid. I knew the only way I was going to get out of this room and away from these three people was to say I'd go. Oh, I said, I'll go. I'll go Saturday. So I went out on an AA plane, American Airlines, the way I like to go. And I met 64 charming men and women like you. And the word got around quickly that we had this Catholic sister in treatment. And one by one, they came to me, they beat up on themselves. They said terrible things about themselves, but they always finished by saying, you know, sister, this is a mistake for you. You shouldn't be in a place like this. Well, you know, anyone who thinks like I do, they're going to be my friend. I had a getaway plan and I scrapped it. I'm not one who sits around idle. You know, by the end of the first week, I was a therapist. And the word got around quickly. You don't like your counselor. You don't like the meetings. You don't like this, that. Talk to the sister. She knows everything about everything. Now, every day at one o'clock, we had what they call free time. Well, remember those 28 day programs, they put big letters, free time. Then they tell you what to do with it. So that was the only thing that I learned, the only thing that I learned was to stay in our rooms, read, write, listen to tapes. I always did as I was told. Since I was this high, somebody said, jump, I jumped. Somebody else came along and said, stop jumping. I stopped jumping. I talk about compartments. There's a compartment in here called power of choice. Oh, I thought that's what the good people have. I'm a nothing. Nah, God doesn't operate that way. But because of our situations, the journey, the work, the life, and the work, and the work, and the work, it's something that I've always done. I'm an we don't get in touch with the compartments so you tell me stay in my room at one o'clock do these assignments there you will find me we had a nice table take recorder pens books i block out what happened yesterday i'd be there for two minutes each day and i take the table throw it clear across the room go to the wall behind me back of my head against the wall yelling and screaming at god why me i've been so good and this is what you've done to me my roommate had run out she say she's at it again there'd be blood pouring out of my head they'd come in clean me up calm me down i'd be fine till the next day at one o'clock i was too sick then and long before that time to hear god say you don't have to be good you don't have to be good you are good that's a given no one has been deprived of that goodness well where does the bad come in oh it's there attitude behavior i try keyword to separate attitude and behavior from the person i try keyword to separate attitude behavior from this lady here and i continue to chip away at my attitude and my behavior i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that through that marvelous and wonderful process of recovery and i do it along with folks like you and while the process continues sometimes quickly sometimes slowly i walk very tall i cannot help but be impressed at the goodness and holiness that sits and stands in this room and if you're not there yet borrow from me till you get your own strength when i say to someone how are you and they answer good, I usually say, well, I knew that before I asked you. Tell me something else. You don't have to be good. You are good. Well, I don't think there's another outfit in society that mentions the word spiritual and the word spirituality more than people in the rooms. And you want to know the key to the spiritual? You want to know the key to spirituality? It's getting in touch with your own goodness. Well, some 33 years later and for quite a while now, I have a why me question of God. Not why me, why am I an alcoholic? But rather, why me, God? Tell me again. Why am I sober since most people don't receive this gift? And it's a frequent question of mine. And the reason I ask it is I don't want to take sobriety for granted. I don't want my attitude to be big deal, sober, 33 years. What else is new? The date it's on. I want to stay in touch with the gift. So I do the why me. Tell me again, God. Why me? Why am I sober? And he says the same thing all the time to me. He says, Maurice, you have not chosen me, but I have chosen you. The big book says, God. Did for him what he could not do for himself. And he says, many are called to the disease of alcoholism. Very few are dropping the bucket, are chosen for the precious life-giving gift of sobriety. And I say, well, why me, God? He says, make your little chart. I make a little chart. I hated alcoholism. I put a simple line down the center. I put on this side of the chart, all of us in recovery around the world, fairly big number. We put on this side of the chart, all those who are still out there. He wouldn't even see us. I find it awesome to be on that side of the chart. And I don't want to take that for granted. So I do this little game plan. Well, we've established I'm on that side of the chart. Why me, God? He says, well, Maurice, how do you see death? A hundred years ago now, that means a long time. I sat with death. What is death all about? What is God doing? And I had some tapes and some reading and just meditating on death. And I read a line that I had read many times before. But this time I had a moment of amazing grace. And the line is, there's a time to be born. There's a time to die. And that's on God's calendar. And I believe any person goes to God in death, regardless of age, or circumstances, when their work here on earth is finished. I do not see the God of my understanding as a yo-yo. Well, I'm taking this one for that reason, and I'm taking those three, and I'm leaving those five. No. No. Not the God of my understanding. But your work is finished. And the other thing that helps me, I'll see those people again when my work is finished. Well, the point. But untreated alcoholism is still listed as an ultimate terminal condition, 100% fatal. And here we are. Well, I believe our death has been interrupted. Of course, our work's not finished. And ours is a specialized work, I believe. There'll be tragedy in our world tonight. Some people will go to God, their work is finished. Others will be saved, their work is not finished. Those who are saved. I don't know what their work is. More will be revealed to them. I believe ours is defined. And nobody does it as well as the people in the rooms. With all due respect to the church, the medical profession, other forms of help, they do a lot for us. But you know what? There's just something about one alcoholic sharing with another alcoholic. One member of Al-Anon sharing with another member of Al-Anon. Like happened at the Gatehouse in Akron, Ohio with Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob some time back. It's really something when you put it all out there and reflect on it. So my major assignment on any given day, and I take the liberty of saying I believe yours is the same, is to take care of the gift of sobriety and to carry on. To carry a message, to walk with, to pass it on, to be that fellowship. Many ways to carry a message. The message has been carried to me thousands and thousands of times this weekend and some folks weren't even saying anything. That's why we're called a program of attraction rather than promotion. People just see it. Well, very late in the fourth week at this facility I came to grips with this. Well, very late in the fourth week at this facility I came to grips with this. Not the way I see it today but I woke up and there was something different about me on the 27th and a half day of the 28-day program. And I was crying and laughing and I was saying I'm really an alcoholic really an alcoholic and I went down to see my counselor at the facility, a beautiful Lutheran minister we had many one-on-one sessions together a very fine man and I said to him reverend reverend I'm really an alcoholic. and this man did something that he never did in any of the sessions he started dancing around the room and he got so excited and he said i have a prescription for you to go to alcoholics anonymous and if you're faithful to the prescription you'll only have to return here as our guest i said i won't make any promises i'll see what i can do and by that amazing grace of god as it operates in rooms like this and my cooperation with the grace another way of saying that we know the program works but if you don't work the program it doesn't work for you so by my doing my part i haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink or any substitute since april 17th 1917 one one i am not one who says i will never drink again if i thought i would never drink again perhaps i wouldn't be as faithful early this morning i asked for daily bread we'll see how tomorrow goes and i came into the rooms and i did the old one too i didn't drink and i went to meetings and i went to meetings and i didn't drink and i could always be found sitting in the third row waiting for this thing to be finished but they weren't going to say i wasn't there and one night i heard a fellow share and this is what he said he said he learned unless he put the 12 suggested steps into his life and made some changes he could very well lose his sobriety and i sat up real tall because i was sure he was going to say we don't mean that for the little sister there in the third row and with the help of my sponsor and some other beautiful folks i learned why i was so miserable all i heard was that the little sister couldn't live in the third row the child was always there waiting for the baby to come home and i was so happy to see her and i remember that i was so happy to see her and i heard you say change or die i used to poke the one next to me and say isn't there something in between no there isn't we're always in motion we're getting well or we're going back we're changing or we're dying no big deal beautiful process of recovery beautiful folks to walk with us and my responsibility before god I'll try. I'll try. God bless his effort. My responsibility is to try. The process, the design for living is laid out for us. And so a little by slowly change started to happen and continues to happen right up to this moment because I continue to be a student of the principles and traditions and I do it along with folks like you. And the three changes that started to happen, the first had to do with the intellect. When I came to you, I had this postage stamp thinking. I had thinking that went like this, ready, fire, aim. I had thinking that was my way or no way. And we talked about that. And you said, Maurice, give yourself time, work your steps to the best of your ability. Don't go it alone. It'll do wonders for your head. And I've had what I call an intellectual conversion. Then the moral conversion. I lost my value system with this disease. Bothered me terribly. And we talked about that. And you said, Maurice, work your steps. Don't go it alone. You'll be able to put first things first and second things second. And when you're wrong, you'll be able to promptly admit it. You'll be able to practice the principles in all your affairs. You'll even be able to practice the principles and you won't have affairs. And I took the suggestion, I got my value system back. I've had what I call a moral conversion. And the third one was the spiritual. You were always talking about spiritual programs, spirituality. And I used to say to myself, I'm very glad they have something, but I have religion. Do you know, for much of the first year, I could not walk into a meeting straight in like this. I had to go in sideways because I had flags in my ears. Catholic, Catholic, very, very Catholic. So I had to go in this way. And we talked about that. And you said, you know, Maurice, our program teaches us balance. And you helped me to get centered with my religion. I have the same religion that I was brought up with. You also gave me a wonderful technique. I use it in many areas of my life, one of which is my religion. I take what helps me and I leave the rest. So I said, okay, tell me about the spirituality that you're talking about. And you said, well, it has to do with relationships. I said, you're kidding. I said, yeah, three areas relating to a higher power. God is, you understand God. Relating to other people. Oh, wow. And then you said, it also includes relating to yourself. Oh, I said, I'll never have spirituality. I'm a nothing. There's nothing here. And you said, we'll help you get in touch. And you have taught me the full meaning of love your neighbor as yourself, not instead of yourself. You have taught me. This above all to thine own self be true. And little by slowly, I got in touch with the light and the life that I thought I had been deprived of. And I started to become comfortable in my own skin. And I can just arrive today and be that person that God created me to be. And I've had what I call a spiritual conversion. And the only help I've had is that beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. And I believe it is given. He says three things. One, I'm interrupting your death. Of course, your work's not finished. Carry a message, walk with, pass it on, be that fellowship. Two, you'll share relationship with those people. They will come into your life and you will come into theirs. And he says, third, with this gift of sobriety, I give you your dignity. Walk tall. And so my prayer for you as you continue on your journey is that you'll have your sobriety, maybe your recovery in another program. And as a result of that, I just know, I just know you'll have your dignity. And I close. The miracle does take place. She does finish. I close with the favorite piece of mine from one of the chapters in the big book, Me and Alcoholic. Here I found an ingredient that had been lacking in any other effort I had made to save myself. Here was power. Here was power to live to the end of any given day. Power to have courage to face the next day. Power to have friends. Power to help people. Power to be sane. Power to stay sober. And a very short version of Maurice's story. Some night they'll invite me for the short version. Well, I'll go anyway. I'm sure you can identify. But before that, I would like to just one more time, you know, it's great to say, let's have a convention. Let's have a roundup. Let's have, you know, but then we got to get the trusted servants. So I would just like one more time. God has directed me to do this. Could we just say thank you to Sarah and the committee and everybody who helped out? And if you've never met Sister Rose, you could have a beautiful gift. Rose is here. She's alive and fairly well, you see. And I close with the very short version of Maurice's story. I'm sure you can identify. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind, but now I see. And may God, however you understand that, God, may God bless you and God bless me. And God keep me because nobody does it quite as well. Thank you so very much. Thank you.