Physical Craving and Mental Obsession – Awakening Workshop – Part 18 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

okay my name is Leanne and I'm a recovered alcoholic why is everybody migrated to this side of the room this side everybody's over here that's what you guys could get out of here really quick because you're close to the door all right okay by the food that makes sense all right all right so welcome to the what week is this the seventh week of the big book awakening workshop if you need to use a restroom the restrooms on this floor please make sure that you do not smoke on the school property if you need to smoke please smoke across the street what else do I need to announce did everybody get pizza all right how many people did how many people finish the work or caught up so far how many people think that if they did this good in college they would have like a master's degree right seriously it's it's amazing how doing this work how many of you are finding this work fascinating yeah I know because we're finding out about ourselves and we're able to dig deep and look in this book and you know those of you and those of us that have been around the rooms for a while and didn't know this this is like you know I don't know about you but I was kind of pissed off after four years of being in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and not knowing this work and when I got in when I started doing this work i was just like you i was you know i was driving from lakeside to del mar once a week because i i mean that was nothing that was Nothing for me you know I was willing to go to any lengths just to I was so hungry for this you know it was listening to Pat and Tyler in a workshop every I think it was Thursday or Wednesday or Tuesday night I can't remember what it was and I was doing the work and Iwas on it you know and I stayed so consistent with with this work, and I was just really into it. I'm really glad to see this room staying the same size that it was when we started nine weeks ago, seven weeks ago or whenever it was. So just know that we've only got a couple more weeks in step one, and it seems like we have been in step on a long time, but just remember that we're going through the first 103 pages of the big book, and out of those 103 pages which are the 12 steps, about 52 including roman numerals are step one so really we're kind of going through step one pretty pretty fast if you think about it because when we get to two we'll probably spend maybe a couple weeks on two and then one week on three we'll spend a lot more time on on four but i just want to commend all of you for sticking around and doing this work and just staying on top of it so and if you need to get caught up it's okay don't worry about it you know don't don't beat yourself up just get caught up it's not the end of the world right okay so i'm going to recap a little bit about what we what we've covered over the last last week and we were in there's a solution and every chapter in the big book i always say is my favorite but i have a love for each chapter and what i love about there's this solution is the first half of there's a solution only talks about what the physical right the physical craving The second half of the chapter talks about what? The mental obsession, right? And if I have an allergy or if I've, if I have like the craving of alcohol doesn't happen unless it's in my body. And so when you're in a room of, you know, sometimes I hear people in rooms say, oh, I'm craving a drink and they haven't, they've been sober for five years. Well, they're not craving a Drink. The thing is that there's just, they're just misinformed about what the craving is now that you guys are informed the craving doesn't happen until the drink is in my body they may be obsessing over a drink but they're not craving a drink so when we when we're in the rooms and we're talking about you know let's make sure that we are clear of what we're sharing because if we're thinking about drinking we're not creating a drink we're obsessing about drinking does that make sense and so I have to ask myself in the first are you timing me oh yeah okay you are okay okay okay all right because i'll go for i'll go on forever so you need to stop me you're fine all right okay so um so we learned that we have we have to have this physical part of this disease right and the craving you know it it doesn't matter what stage of alcoholism you are in to be an alcoholic right so I could be an alcoholic in the early stages or I can be an alcoholic in later stages that could be chronic when we're chronic it's really easy to point out we can see right but it's kind of like being pregnant so you either are you aren't in your first trimester you're not showing but you're still pregnant right but you can tell you're pregnant by the time you're in your third trimester or like cancer you know if I have stage one cancer do you think I'm gonna do something about it If I find out I have stage one cancer or if I'm stage four cancer, alcoholism is the same thing. Either you have it or you don't have it. And if it ever happens in me, right, the physical craving, if I put alcohol into my body, if it never happens in my body and it doesn't happen in the average temperate drinker, guess what? I'm not like them. And they're not like me. So we're different that way, right? the physical craving never happens in my husband ever ever it never happens in him if I tell him to stop drinking he'll stop it's not a big deal he can right for someone who's a normal drinker right and so if it happens in them and it doesn't happen in me guess what I'm not like them so then we will look at the second half of there is a solution and in our work that we had to do I think it was last week was it last week we were at the 10 most insane things that we've ever done? No. We haven't done that yet? Okay, we haven't done that, yet. All right. That's step two, okay. Well you're gonna be asked to write down the ten most insane things. And the reason why I'm going to bring that up is because I want to talk... I didn't get to cover about insanity last week and insanity of alcoholism isn't the crazy things that we did when we were drinking. Of course we did insane things when we were drinking, right? We did insane crazy things when were drinking, but despite all the things, despite all of the consequences that happened to us when we were drinking. Whether we got DUIs, whether we got in a wreck, whether we lost kids in custody battles, whatever happened because of alcohol, or whether we got into car, whatever it was, despite the fact that something happened, blackouts, whatever happened to us whenever we were drinking. Despite that, we picked up again. That's the insanity. So here's the insanity. I have 10 days of sobriety and I decide that a drink sounds good right now despite all the problems that I had in the past. The time that it takes me to get in my car, drive to the liquor store, get that bottle of vodka, drive home, open up that bottle of vodka get that ice pour that vodka over that ice and before i put it to my lips that's insanity the insanity hasn't started the insanity isn't doesn't start after i drink it's the that i made the decision to drink stone cold sober again and again and igen swore i wouldn't drink when i woke up again and again and again, day after day. I kept picking up. All right. So how much time do I have? One minute? Okay. Thank you, Nancy. One minute. Okay. All right, so I also want to point something out too just because you come to meetings and you don't drink doesn't mean that you're in recovery. That makes sense, right? You know what it means? It means that you're not drinking and you're going to meetings. That's what it needs. Same thing with if somebody... That's exactly what it means if someone you think that if someone goes to church every Sunday that makes him a Christian no doesn't make him a christian means they go to church every Sunday it's a heart issue alcoholism and being sober working a program being recovered is a heart issue if I'm working a program I'm in every single area of that triangle and I'm I'm working with others and I do I'm practicing these these these principles in all my affairs and I go into meetings and I work with up then i'm in recovery then i can be and i'm not obsessing over what i'm over over drinking right then i've recovered does that make sense so just don't you know people think that this because they're going to meetings and not drinking that they're in recovery they're go into meetings and they're not drinking right until you get into this program and until you get under this book until you learn about the physical and the mental and this and the spiritual aspect of this of this first step and you understand and you know your truth now you're work in a program all right so with that said I'm going to go ahead and open up with the set aside prayer we're going to talk about we're going into more about alcoholism Pat and Nancy are going to talk about about um about that and I want to make up one I want to tell you one clear thing that all these stories have in common and more about alcohol ism every single story that were that have you guys all read more about all call ism they all what was the one thing that every story had in common? Why did they keep drinking again? Was it because they weren't going to meetings? Like, it doesn't say, oh, you know, Jim picked up because he stopped going to meetings. Or Mr. Carpet Slippers, you knows, started drinking because he didn't call his sponsor. No, they all had one thing in common. They failed to enlarge their spiritual life. Alright, very good. Alright, so let's go ahead and open with the set-aside prayer on page 28 of the BBA workbook, and then we'll do a five-minute meditation. God, please enable me to set aside everything I think I know for an open mind and a new experience. Help me see the truth about my mental obsession before I start to dream. Can someone get the lights? Can someone grab those lights? Okay. All right. You ready? Yeah. Okay. Just try to get this thing to the... There. Thank you. You ready? Yeah. Okay. Just try to get this thing to the... There. Thank you. Good summer. Yes. Oh, there's pens all over the place. Hi, I'm Nancy. I'm a recovered cocaine addict and alcoholic. cane addict? An alcoholic. And Leanne, that was a fabulous recap. She mentioned some of the things that I'm going to talk about in the beginning of more about alcoholism chapter three. You ready for more about alcoholism? Awesome. Okay. Okay. Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. Page 30. Really? Did you go through a period where you were unwilling to admit you were an addict or alcoholic? I certainly did. It's like, no. I can quit if I want. I'm an addict. I know that. It is okay. I quit if I wanted to I just don't want to okay well now they tell us why no person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows see I had an identity when I was a practicing addict that's what I was you know I sold it I used it and that was my life. It was all about getting loaded, more cocaine and you know admitting that there might be a connection with what I was doing and the mishaps going on in my life and not being able to you know draw plans for these homes I wanted to build or you know all these different things that that I couldn't do that I attempted to do was was crazy making for me I didn't understand what was wrong with me I didn't know I had a disease with three different parts it needed to be treated okay so therefore it is not surprising that our drinking or using careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink or use like other people. In 1988, when I went into treatment, I wanted them to show me how to snort a little cocaine after a dinner party and enjoy my life and the wines, the good wines I liked and things like that. And then I wanted my daughter back out of foster care and we'd be a nice happy family again. Well, that didn't happen. I was already way far beyond where I could quit on my own power. Just that simple. The idea that somehow someday she will control and enjoy her drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker or user. The persistence of this illusion. What's an illusion? It's a fake perception of reality. Well, I lived in a fake perception of reality in like not just around drugs and alcohol. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. And how crazy was it for you? You know, how guilty and confused and feeling lost and afraid to admit you know where you were coming from to yourself or anybody else oh no it's fine hey you want a drink you know and we just keep going until what happens it doesn't work anymore did the the did the drink and the drugs stop getting you loaded it stopped for me i tried recooking that batch i don't know how many times and i'm like i can't get this right must be something wrong with the cocaine we learned i love it when they say things like that we learned oh my gosh that's like such a huge statement and it's just two little words what did they have to go through to learn that they had to fully concede to their innermost selves that we are alcoholics concede surrender admit acknowledge permit permit that truth to come in to allow that truth to come into your heart we're we're not needing to concede to our spouse our children our parents the neighbor or anybody else we need to conceed to ourselves deep within our own heart and that was referred to by Leanne earlier this is a heart thing that happens when we recognize that we are the real deal. When we can see these parts of our mind and what happens in our body once we take whatever it is in and we have an allergic reaction, once we get that that's happening for us, there's a shift. This is the first step in recovery. Now, back here on page 8 in Bill's story, when he was in the swamp, first real paragraph on page eight, no words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master, right? Just briefly, I'll be sharing with Leann and Pat before the beginning of tonight, and I had a conceding surrender admitting experience as a result of this work so far at recognizing that I was living in a state of fear, I was worried about how I was handling my health and my money. And I'd known that and I'd spoken with other people in the program about it but I didn't really get how consumed I was by that because I have some years away from the drink and the drug and so what's happening I have this alcoholic mind still and it needs treatment and so this this accepting what's true or accurate and to yield and to grant myself passage back to God recognizing my my agnosticism which we'll get into in a couple weeks by this trying to manage things in my own life was crazy making um so you know whether it's alcohol or self-will or or you know it's okay i can manage this we come to a point where as alcoholics and addicts where we need to concede to our innermost self that whatever we're doing isn't working you know i'm worrying i'm irritated i'm i am i can't stay sober i'm you know whatever the situation may be when we get to this point this first step in recovery is a hard experience it's a conceding to ourselves that we can't do it anymore what whatever it is we're trying to achieve isn't working. We're never going to achieve it that way. It's like if you're, I was reading about intuition earlier in the day and it was talking about, it was comparing intuition to the swiftness of an arrow when you, anyone ever do any archery? I did. I studied it as a child and you know, that arrow goes off and it hits the target. And my reasoning can't guide that arrow. My reasoning can t guide my life either. It puts me right into the mental obsession with whatever situation I m in, whether it s alcohol and drugs or trying to manage my life. Okay, the delusion that we are like other people or presently may be. See, alcoholism doesn't just go away. Or we wouldn't have to still be in these rooms together, right? We have this spiritual malady, which of course we'll get into later. The delusion that we're like other people are presently maybe has to be smashed. And that's what this program can do for us. It can smash those illusions and delusions we have about whatever it is we have them about and bring us to a state of the recognition of truth about ourselves and what this disease is doing to us in our life. We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times we were regaining control, but such intervals, usually brief, were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. And I'm pretty sure everyone has experienced that who's in this room. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period, we get worse, never better. Has that been your experience? Yep. Me too. We're like men who have lost their legs, they never grow new ones. I'm never going to be able to drink like a lady. It's just not going to happen. Or snort a little cocaine with a dinner party. It'sjust, you know. Nor do I have any interest in those things today. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We've tried every imaginable remedy, and in some instances there's been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Has that been true for you? Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they're in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule therefore non-alcoholic yikes and then it gives us various methods that have been tried and of course you can you can add to that I didn't want to mix grains with grapes because I got too drunk so we're gonna stick to vodka and And beer is okay, but don't give me any wine. All kinds of crazy ideas about how to make that chemical combination just right. You know? Okay, and then they're going to talk about possible ways of discovering whether you're alcoholic or not, and you've probably already tried those. So on page 32, we're going to talk about this carpet slipper guy. A man of 30 was doing a great deal of spree drinking. He was very nervous in the morning after these bouts and quieted himself with more liquor. He was ambitious to succeed in business but saw that he would get nowhere if he drank at all. Once he started, he had no control whatever. he made up his mind hmm how did he do that he made up his mind i'm not going to drink anymore i'm going to have a successful business career and then out come the carpet slippers and the bottle and this poor guy was dead within four years crazy huh yeah so you know he had all these delusions and ideas that you know, he was sober a really long time and therefore he deserved to drink and it would be okay. And it wasn't okay. He couldn't stop and he died. This case contains a powerful lesson. Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch we could therefore drink normally. But here's a man of 55 years found he was just where he left off at 30. And see the thing is this is they told us a couple pages earlier this is a progressive disease, right? So his phenomenon of craving potential in him, the allergy part, didn't just go away. So when he drank however many years later, what happened? They're saying it was just as bad as it was when he quit. Well, my opinion is if it's a progressive disease, it was probably worse, which is probably why he couldn't quit at all and he died within four years so not that that information is going to keep you from having a drink if your mental obsession decides that it's time to have a drink but it's an interesting case once an alcoholic always an alcoholic I'm on page 33 the first paragraph commencing to drink after a period of sobriety we are in a short time as bad as ever if we're planning to stop drinking get out the drumroll, there must be no reservation of any kind nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol. People die with their reservations, you know yeah no it's okay good okay I just wanted to say because this is an important part for me yes clarity on because I do have these little fantasies at time or whatever new thoughts and I question whether you know does that mean I have a reservation I get all wrapped around actual about it but in here it says that someday I will be immune to alcohol. I have no reservation that I'll be immune to alcohol so that part of the sentence was important to me because sometimes I'll wrap myself around the actual thinking you know if I get thoughts or something do I have a reservation that maybe well we can overthink we can overthink things and we can also get lost in that because that's all the mental defense part Can I say something? It also mentions about being immune from alcohol and working with others. It says nothing can so much ensure immunity from alcohol than working with other people. It's not talking about being cured. Immunity from the obsession of the mind is what it's talking about. Yeah, good point. Thanks, Dawn. Yeah, the idea that someday I'll be immune to alcohol is kind of like, what? i don't think so i don t think so i am not exempt okay um young people and potential female alcoholics you know i love this um reference in the middle of the paragraph that talks about young people it says we doubt if many of them can stop right on their own willpower because none really want to and hardly one of them because of the peculiar mental twist already acquired. In my step work over the last 10 years especially, I've been able to see how I had crossed over that what's often called the invisible line. In other words, I developed the mental obsession way sooner than I had realized. It seems to get pushed further back in time every time I go through the work. I go, oh my God, I was over the edge way back here. My daughter was like 10 years old and I was over the age. But I didn't see it, you know? I didn' t see it but I was not functioning with my full mental capacity in my life and my behavior was not normal for me even at that time and yet I thought it was years later that that had occurred. Okay, potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years. I don't know. I used and drank from the time I was 14 till I was 42. I don' t know if I was just stubborn or if I needed to go that far down to be able to do the work I do now with helping other addicts and alcoholics recover. I have no idea. I can't figure it out. It's just what happened. I want to get to this paragraph on page 34. the one for those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether well now they're getting pretty specific we are assuming of course the reader desires to stop whether such a person can quit on a non-spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he or she has already lost the power to choose whether she will drink or not. And I think that's a super powerful statement because when did you lose that power to choose whether you're going to drink or not? I know a lot of people that are not clear on the difference between the mental obsession and the phenomenon of craving still think they're choosing when in fact it's the disease is choosing for them. And, you know, I'm in the trunk. My mental obsession is driving the car, the phenomenon of cravings riding shotgun, and the spiritual maladies in the back seat, and they are yucking it up. She thinks she's in control. Ha ha ha! Let's go faster! You know, and off goes the car. And I'm screwed, right? I'm in the trunk. I don't have any power or choice when I'm in the trunk. I'm screwed. So if I think, I thought in 1988 I could quit on a non-spiritual basis because that hadn't even occurred to me that I needed a spiritual basis of life. And I was a good hippie years before. Had lots of LSD spiritual experiences but they didn't keep me from getting loaded and becoming an alcoholic right so many of us felt that we had plenty of character and we do the book talked earlier in chapter two about that we have special abilities aptitudes and there was something else I forget but it was very complimentary and that's true. Alcoholics and addicts are pretty cool people, right? We're intelligent, we're able, we're creative, you know, there's all these cool things going on but we have this problem. We're addicted to alcohol and drugs or one or the other or both. So many of us felt that we had plenty of character. I want to build through that line in there. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever, yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it, this utter inability to leave it alone no matter how great the necessity or the wish. I want to briefly take you to page page 109, and pass it on. And this is Bill. This is after his third trip to the hospital. He says, this was the end of the line. I became far more frightened and confused and mystified than ever. For long hours, I thought over my past life. How and why could I have come to this. Saved from my drinking, Lois and I had a wonderful life together. A little illusion going on there, Bill? Really? Stealing from her slender purse? My whole career had teemed with excitement and interest. Well, maybe in the beginning. And yet here I was, bedeviled with an obsession that condemned me to drink against my will and a bodily sensitivity that guaranteed early and sanity at best. So, you know, a little later on he talks about the guilt and remorse that he was feeling before the last time he went into Towns Hospital. Bill slid into a very deep melancholy. He was filled with guilt and Remorse over the way he had treated Lois. Lois who had stood by him unwavering throughout. He thought about the miraculous moments they had shared standing on the Newport cliffs the night before he sailed for England, the camping trips the wonderful years of motorcycle bombs He thought about Winchester Cathedral and the moment he almost believed in God Thank you very much Nancy, thank you. Pat Alcoholic? You know, you guys are on fire. Good, good, good stuff. You know I've worked with a lot of really smart people talking about the drunks and addicts and the thing that's scary, I mean, when people really start dying from this disease, the thingthat is scary is, oh, my God, what if I can't stop? Am I right about that? Yeah. Because way before God ever separated me from the drink, probably three years, maybe a little bit more, you know i i came to that place of panic in my heart where i go there is absolutely nothing i can do to not drink i didn't have any aa in my belly i didn'T have any recovery or in colorado where i got sober there there was not a lot of treatment centers so when people finally get to their end they go to aa which is solid does the work the way that we do the work here and recovery happens people start up and they get sober they stay sober their lives change spiritually they get on fire for god god changes their life and things miraculously change in and around where they live and breathe so it's amazing where i'm going with that is that the panic that some of the people feel in this room tonight and you may be one of them where You're going, but what if I'm one of these that has that lurking feeling, that notion that is going to take me back to the drink? And this next part of the chapter, the pages 30 and 39 that we're talking about tonight set up, the whole chapter is set up to give us an answer to the question of power. To give us a choice. To give an answer. To give as an answer to the question of choice, to give us an answer to the questions of control. And this didn't come out of thin air. Dr. Silkworth is the one that put this notion in Bill Wilson's head his first time in to the hospital at Towns Hospital. And he went in there one, two, three, four times. Four times in. roland hazard was very clear from carl young that the challenge here is not picking up that first drink roland and i'm going to cognitively behaviorally therapeutically inside and out i'm doing to attempt to bring clarity to your mind and give you power so you don't have to choose the first drink and when roland hazard came back what was what was dr young's answer to him do you have hope or do you not have hope no hope in fact if you want to live at all rolling hire a bodyguard i know you got the cash go hire a guard if you wanna live lock yourself up forget about going around in society he'll never be able to keep away from the drink you're done somebody like you you i can't help there's just no way so pages 34 at the bottom through page 39 sets up the conversation uh pretty darn well it says hey how can we be helpful so bill wilson when he got in with uh dr silkworth he goes bill let me just tell you i've seen at this time when bill's coming through the hospital probably about 35,000 alcoholics not 35 not 350 35, 000 alcoholics and i've got this theory about what's going on and it's it's really twofold the first one is you got this allergy of the body when you guys pick up a drink something goes off in you mentally and you cannot say no to the next drink you are powerless to stop or slow down the amount of alcohol that you have and i believe bill that it's an allergy of your physical body you have a body symptom that is replicated in 35,000 alcoholics that i've seen every single one of them has it not one of whom has the ability to control the amount once they start that's a physical allergic reaction bill there's another whole part, which is even more scary. You have what I believe, and this is my theory, you have a mental obsession in your mind. And what I've observed with 35,000 alcoholics is that each one of you has this somehow crafted an idea in your head that you're going to figure out how to pull it off next time and drink happily without consequence i got a basic question how many in this room have been able to pull that off to drink happily drink use happily without consequence late late late stages before you walked into these rooms raise your hand if you're able to pull that off and for you that are listening on to this recording there is not one single hand raised in a pretty full room of addicts and alcoholics so the book says page 34 how are we going to help the readers determine whether to their own satisfaction if they're one of us and here's the premise if you are one of us if you are a hopeless addict or alcoholic you very well may be beyond human aid if you are beyond human aide you have two choices blot out your miserable existence pat's miserable existence or pat or you accept living life for the rest of your life on spiritual terms because pat you have no power of choice over the drink you have no control over the drink. Next page. What sort of thinking dominates the alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? That one sentence is going to answer, do I have power? Do I have control? Do i have a choice over picking up the drink? Because here's what my mind does before i recovered from alcohol from alcoholism in terms of my mental and physical side of this disease there are times when i was still out there trying to stop that i kept going you know what i still have some control i could pull this thing off i can make it happen this time i'm gonna do it i won't give you all the war stories but there were times where i didn't want to drink myself into oblivion there really were even in the last year honest to god i just wanted to have a drink with my buddies after work we've had a long hard day we've got a great day we've bad day we had a day we had at the end of the day be night morning whatever but i just want one i'm just going to take the edge off so i wanted to do i want to go home to my children who at the time were very, very young. I wanted to go home to my wife. I wanted to show up at work the next day and be a productive citizen. That was never, ever my experience when I picked up the drink. It was like Russian roulette. I'm just going to pull the trigger once. This time I think I'll be lucky. And And the tragedy of this disease is that we don't know when that bullet is fully chambered. We don't where it's going to take us. And I'll get into these two stories that we're going to go into, but I've got to tell you one story. You know there is not a... My home group in Colorado, this young gal, she was probably 23, maybe 24. She was really quiet and she was coming to our meetings in the morning. We had a 6.30 meeting every day, Monday through Friday. And she was really a sweet lady but very quiet and didn't speak at all for like six weeks, seven weeks. And about the end of the time that she was with us, there was an open sharing time. And she raised her hand and she started very softly. And she said, I just got to tell you, this has meant the world to me learning about recovery because I have to take this message to where I'm going to be going. And I'm not going to see anybody here probably for the next 10 to 15 years if I have good behavior. You see, I went out for that one last drink. And I ended up killing a mother and a father and two baby children. I hit them head on. I passed out, went across the interchange, and hit the family head on, and they're dead. I got sentenced there's a good opportunity that I might be able to get out before you know the year 15 but I just want to tell you thank you and what you say is true I had no choice not one person in that room said a word because every person that room can relate to the possibility that could have been their life and see the danger of playing the mental tape in my head, I'm going to drink like a gentleman, I am going to use like a lady, I will do all this stuff in moderation. It never happened. And so what Dr. Silkworth did patiently with Bill Wilson and what Bill Wilson in the first hundred are going to do patiently with us over these next five pages is they're going to give us some stories and they're going to say just look at the record. You know one of the first things we wrote on the The top of the page of the preface to this book is that the purpose of this book is to transmit an experience, not knowledge. The experience that I need to have in my heart around the mental obsession is to finally admit to myself that, Pat, you are absolutely fooling yourself to think that you have any damn control over whether or not you ever pick up a drink. Tell me in your history when that was the case, when you had choice. And so this is not about convincing yourself to believe what I'm saying. This is all about just relating to your own personal experience and not putting words around it but just replayed in your head what happened before i took that drink or shot that line or whatever i did to start using or drinking again and let it be truth ask say the set aside prayer say god please set aside me everything i think i know whether i'm six months sober six days sober or 16 years sober the truth around whether or not I have control with that first drink, with that first drug. Because the truth of that is going to drive us through the rest of the steps. If we're not clear about the mental obsession that lurking notion in the book later on it's going to call it the parallel thinking is going to rob us of our sobriety. So let's see what happens. So what sort of thinking, page 35, happens before the first drink? Why does he do it? Well, our first example is Jim. And I'm not going to read everything, but Jim's story, our first sample is a friend we call Jim. This man has a charming wife and a family. He's inherited an automobile agency. He has a commendable war record. People like this guy. He's intelligent. He has little bit of a nervous disposition. Yeah. We could talk about that one a little bit, couldn't we? A little tweaking, a little anxious, whatever. He did no drink until he was 35 and then he's out of control. Okay, you have all read this part. We told him, in other words, Jim lands in the hospital. A couple of Alkies that are recovered come up to him and say, let me tell you about what's going on here. Let's tell you about the mental and physical side of this disease. We told them what we knew about alcoholism and the answer we had found, he made a beginning. Hold on to that statement and turn over to the end of how it works. Okay? Page 71. Page 71 He made a beginning. That's the key. He made the beginning. page 71 if you have already made a decision and an inventory of your gross or handicaps you have made a what ouch Jim's not a lightweight how many people you know have blown out before they even got to a fourth step Jim's made a beginning he's completed a fourth step in this program keep that in mind his family was reassembled he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost during drinking and all went well for a time and here's the reoccurring thing that Leanne brought up what did Jim fail to do? what that's the bottom line folks his family reassembled life's getting good he's got some money coming in I got it now God don't you worry I got control I'm okay it's good that was a rough patch I got het from here don't you worry I'll give you some subtle acknowledgement of my life but not too interested doing your will. I like my will better. To his consternation he found himself drunk half a dozen times. We worked with him carefully page 36 he relapses right? He got drunk again. We asked him to tell us exactly what happened and this is his story wow, ready for this? Went to Tuesday morning he felt a little bit irritated. Does that sound like a resentment maybe? He had to be a settlement for a concern he once owned. Not a whole lot of gratitude for the fact that he even has a damn job. Yeah, right? He had a few words with the boss, a little selfishness going on there, maybe a little bit of arrogance, a Little bit of pride. I don't know, maybe. But nothing serious. Do I have a tendency to downplay what I do to other people? And do I tend to over-exaggerate what other people do to me? You did me wrong! I just barely did anything to you. Right? Isn't that how it works? Then I decided, right, I'm going to go out to the country. I'm gonna go out and try to sell a car. I had no intention of drinking. What happens when he gets into the restaurant? He'd gone there successfully a lot of times. Hell, he's got some months of sobriety. He's made a good beginning. I've got it all figured out. Still no thought of drinking, he can order some milk. He's gonna order a sandwich. Says, that's a good idea. I think I'ma order another milk and a sandwich, really? suddenly how does the disease show up in my life it's not very casual it's not very understated what is going to take us down suddenly suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me I won't have the effects that caused me to lose my wife, lose my family, lose my business, end up in a treatment house. This time it's going to be different. I ordered a whiskey. I poured in the milk. Here is the strange switch in my mind once I drink. I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart. The disease hits me suddenly, and my weak will around the drink or the drug says vaguely, maybe this wasn't my best choice. I felt reassured I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach. Oh, my gosh. The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey. I poured in the milk. It didn't seem to bother me, so I tried another. Does that sound like maybe the allergic reaction popped him? Do you see the switch in his head? this guy had no choice he had no control he had no power this thing hit him like a ton of bricks this guy there was no there was no fight this started one more journey the asylum for Jim and there was a threat of commitment geez say nothing of the intense mental physical and suffering drinking all his cause here it is he had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic he knew the truth folks he knew the truth right mentally and physically he knew that he was different than his fellows that he could never safely pick up another drink as long as he lives he knewthat for him to drink is a die he knew there was absolutely no way he could drink like a gentleman he knew his legs had been cut off he knew he would never grow new ones and there he is in the hospital yet all the reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could drink have whiskey if only he mixes it with milk whatever the precise definition this word may be we call this plain insanity how can such a lack a proportion of the ability to think straight be called anything else now i got news for you you'll hear in the room sometimes my mind's a bad neighborhood i better not go in you ever hear that can't trust your head don't think i got news for you that is complete crap the program called recovery that we have when we complete these 12 steps says you can trust your mind in fact you are an intelligent agent of god's ever-advancing creation and god now infused in your head is going to use your mind that has now been commissioned with the will of god exactly and perfectly identified with you individually to express a part of who god is in his love their love however you want to define your god in perfection in this world to be a maximum service to god and the fellows and if l is fellios philly phillies in the phillies all right wow next paragraph real quick i think i'm over one minute i'm gonna go for about two more minutes sorry the key middle of this next paragraph okay this they say this is not extreme thinking can anybody relate to what has just happened to jim did you have to convince yourself that you could relate to Jim so don't play don't worry about trying to play games in your head just look at the record you know we can say all we want arm toward a Monday morning quarterback and say what we were thinking the reality is just look at the report look at the record did you pull it off pick up the drink did you drink like a gentleman you picked up the drug did you use like a lady did it work say all you want about it I don't really care but what was the result did it did you really pull it off and maybe that one time you did oh yeah i was i was jonesing but i pulled it off okay that's the cunning part of the disease did you pull it out consistently time after time after timetime after time over an extended period of time or are you majoring on one freaking time that you pulled it out that you didn't drink yourself into oblivion and end up in the wrong damn city. Am I right? That one time, I did it! I got control! I got Control! Right? Are you kidding me? Are you getting me? Really? Think about it. Here's the scary part, all kidding aside. But there was always a curious... the page 37 middle paragraph there was but there was always a curious mental phenomena phenomenon this is an occurrence that no one can explain that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink here's how it shows up it's the undercurrent of thinking i can this time I could do it. The little engine that could. Choo choo choo up the hill This time I'm going to get to the top I'm gonna make it work. It's gonna be all good And then the other part of your mind is going, no no no I can't do it, I can' t do it I'm an alcoholic I can never pick up the drink Yeah I can I can make it work this time. It can be okay This time I'm not gonna make a bloody fool out of myself This time I'm not going to end up in the hospital. This time, I'm knocking up fill-in-the-blank. One question. Is that your real experience? Complete the sentence. Our behavior is absurd and incomprehensible as a first rank, that of a jaywalker. I'll leave that off for you guys today because we're running out of time. I want you guys all to have a chance to share, but the jaywalkers story is all about substituting the word jay for uh jay walker alcoholism not alcohol alcoholism the disease of our bodies in our minds it got progressively worse for the jay walker he gave him every reason in the world to stop could he stop that's our experience so i'll bring it home on this on page 39 top paragraph but the actual potential alcoholic with hardly an exception will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge on the base of self knowledge i don't have to convince myself I don't have to put myself into an arm hold I just have to look at the record did I have power, did I have choice, did i have control to really pull it off this time or is my continuous experience progressive experience worse and worse and worse. If that be the case you might be suffering from a disease that is beyond human aid thank you all right can knowledge keep me sober can intention keep me sober can a desire keep me sober alcohol comes what suddenly vaguely right so if If that's the case, what is the crux of the problem? Is our physical allergy the cruix of the problem? The mental obsession is the crux. That's the cruxe of the problem, right? Because that's going to bring me back to a drink. But we're going to learn, and as we go through this work, we're going to know that when the spiritual malady is overcome, I straighten out mentally. And then obviously if I straighten out mentally, I'm not physically, I don't have I'm putting alcohol into my body. So the cruxis of the problem is my mental state. And that's why we spend so much time on this mental condition. And so because we only had two questions this time, we had 35 and 36 on page 13 of the Idiot's Guide. So what I would like is everybody or for whoever to come up and read your answers to both of those questions. So 35, and really think about especially 35B, what does being an alcoholic or addict mean to you? It's a big question. 35A is in the past have you been unwilling to admit you are a real alcoholic and or addict, right? Meaning that you could not control the amount that you take when you start and or stay stopped. Middle of page 34, just like Nancy read, probably the most important thing is if you have any power or control, what point have you lost control over the amount that you drink? If you still have control, then you're not like me. Then you're Not The Real Deal. You have to ask yourself that question. It's your truth, not my truth, right? So your truth – you have to answer this of yourself. My truth is I've lost control. I've loss power and I've lose over alcohol, all right? Over alcohol, I've los power, choice, and control. So in the past – okay, so that's 35A. 35B, what does being an alcoholic and or addict mean to you? And then 36, do you have any reservations or any lurking notion that someday you may be able to drink and use normally, then maybe someday you could evolve. Right? Maybe. Maybe you can be the one person in history that can do it. Do you have any lurking notion that you're able to do that? So at this time, who would like to be the first person to come up and read there? Come on up. My name's Eric. I'm an alcoholic and an addict 35 for many years I felt I could stop when I wanted I just didn't want to then I believed if I could just dry out I would again have control of my life it has now been proven beyond the shadow of a doubt I am the real deal being an alcoholic and addict means many things to me good and bad but essentially it means I alone am powerless over the first one without God's help I will use and drink again and 36 do you have any reservations or any lurking notions that somebody might be able to drink and or use normally? My answer is no, absolutely not for the first time in my 30 year using career I know that I can never drink or use not even once without experiencing an even worse chain of events than I experienced previously awesome that's so much recovery right there Hello, John, alcoholic. Hi, John. 35. In the past, have you been unwilling to admit you're a real alcoholic? Yes, in the past I would not even allow that thought to enter my mind. Denial, delusion. I had my own prejudices of what an alcoholic was. and there was no way I was one of them. Today, I know that I am an alcoholic. I learned and realized that I developed this thing called a craving once I began drinking that promise to myself of only having two pints of beer almost always leads to countless more. I also have this obsession that outweighs all other thought. The slightest thing can set that into motion, which would always lead me to a drink. But this time it's going to be different. This time I'll only have two pints of beer. Deep down there's a yearning, a void that can only be filled by God. Do you have any reservations, any lurking notion that someday you might be able to drink and are used normally? Excuse me. I'm nervous. I never share. Today, I'm convinced that not only am I an alcoholic, but I will forever be. I also understand that my mind is not normal. And without the continued growth in this spiritual program, I can slide back into the great obsession of thinking, I'm good this time. It'll be different. I must stay connected to God in this program that God has delivered me to. Thank you. Good evening, family. My name is Mike. I'm a recovering addict. Hi, Mike. The answer to number 35 is that in the past I didn't like to admit I was an addict. To me there was shame and guilt attached to the word. It also made me feel defeated and like a failure that a substance was stronger than I was. It still makes me a little sad that a little drug was stronger than me it was truly mind-boggling on this subject I would just want to share something with you guys if you don't mind really quickly um because I was reading in the just for today a couple days ago while bringing secrets into the light and uh approximately six months ago um everything was perfect I was living in a house near the beach with the woman that I love, the job that I love. And I relapsed. Within the next day, I lost the woman. I lost the place I was living near the beach. Two days after that, I was shot up, cops in an alley. Three days, there was a belt around my neck and I had never reached those places before. So it really surprised me that three days ago, I'm sitting in my house and my mind switched my mind just did that thing where it switches and uh and I was surprised because after all I've been through I mean I almost lost my life I lost everything else I was like how can this be happening and um before when my mind switches there is no stopping it there is none so um so this time I did decide to say a little prayer and I opened up the book and here's the interesting thing one of the very first things in the book it said the very First Thing My Eyes came to was it's insane to think maybe you had a choice it assumes it assumes you're the one with the power and it kind of caught me off guard you know and then uh right after that when i was writing this stuff then the asterisk it says the insanity begins before the first drug and um all i can say is uh that's the first time that after my mind switched i didn't use and i'm thankful to be here, and thank you for listening to my share. Thank you. My name is Rodney. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Rodney! Well, I've kind of had a long day today, so I'm a little tired, but um some of the homework i just finished today um you know on 35 on a i in the past yes at one time many times that thought you know what that i could drink like other people and i actually had hopes that i Could um and on b you know for me what does being it means i don't have a choice i cannot eat ever drink like others you know and i put i'm different and i Put it on the below it that i'm an alcoholic you know because when i was filling out this question i got a phone call from reno today from a friend of mine and he's coming out here in a couple of weeks you know and he is different than me he's able to drink a drink and stop then he asked me how things were going in my life and i was able to tell him today you know what i don't have a choice i've never had a choice all this stuff that i've learned and he was like wow that's really you know cool and stuff like that and you know we're gonna have lunch i'm gonna watch him play a little softball which I don't play anymore but just you know probably months ago I used to tell people I made a decision and you know so my head's like turning totally around then you know approaching you know getting close to where I've been before the and you the in the gym story when I was reading about working the one two three steps that's been me that's spent me since like the late 90s always and you know me approaching three years in June I'm finally going he goes well you're funny doing some work hi my name is Kenny I'm an alcoholic and addict hi so 35 a yes I was on mill I I was unwilling to admit I was an alcoholic. I quit meth for four years when I was 25, but still wanted to drink. I had reservations about opiates and that I could stop when I wanted to. And B, being an alcoholic and an addict means I can never safely use drugs and alcohol without losing control and I must have a spiritual solution to stay sober. And just to let you guys know, it's like I'm one of those people that i put a lot of effort in every single time answering this next question every single time for 36 i meant with all my heart that i had no reservations that i didn't want to use but i still went back to using like even knowing everything i knew about the big book all the knowledge i had from um being a counselor about addiction and about how bad it is there that strange mental blank spot where it's just like i find myself picking up it's it's one of the scariest things and then like pat said when you want to stop but you can't and you know you're gonna die and you've seen your friends die you know what's the most terrifying thing and still even the fear is not enough to keep us sober you know uh it's actually having what leanne mentioned earlier is this heart change towards god it's not like that preacher that's like if you don't find god you're going to hell you every one of y'all sinners it's no no it's it's like this is the best gift you've ever been given nurture this gift and love each other and and love god and so i i have no reservations i've proven that time and time again i cannot drink or use normally there is no lurking notion that i might someday and honestly it and never want to. One of my friends is a brilliant, I'll end with this. One of my friend's is a brillant forensic psychologist. And he said when you're dealing with someone who's in a psychotic break that you cannot prescribe rational thinking to them. So it's really hard and it may be hard a hard pill to swallow this but we are psychotic. We are irrationally we are prone to insanity as alcoholics and addicts because we're not in a sane insane sound of mind and why would we prescribe rational thinking to get us out of it because i did that i played the tape through i pictured all my sponsees in my head and my work my friends the people i loved and i was like what is this gonna do to them and i knew exactly what it did to them and it broke my heart but i couldn't stop it was like being dangerously apathetic it was because if you know me like i'm one of the most caring people and i love people so much but what the needed power wasn't there so what do we need more power my name is michelle i'm an alcoholic a heroin addict and a meth addict i you know what i was thinking i might name my hair power love god because i like that i love god um um in the past i've been unwilling to admit i was a real alcoholic or a drug addict meaning i cannot control the amount i drank as i started or stay stopped um yeah this is true uh meth especially towards the end there and i'm still like uh talking with camilla a lot about meth because i'm really quite obsessed with this control thing you know what i mean i'm like thinking i control it which is so um i'll come back down to that in 36 uh what is being an alcoholic or an addict mean to you it means suffering to me um suffering wallowing in selfishness self-seeking self-will powerlessness powerless to change my my health and my life um i've suffered for a really long time um i also have bipolar disorder thought i'd throw that in there um but the two are very codependent with each other my addiction um if i want a life this is what i have to do i have to have a spiritual solution all right it's it's it's what i found is the only way that i can survive um which is why this is so important to me okay do you have any reservations or any lurking notion that someday you might be able to control or drink uh use normally yeah but i don't entertain them much because with meth it just kind of sounds silly to say out loud you know like oh i think i can control this meth stuff because it just seems like um i just seem i even wrote hello it's meth lol um so it sounds crazy like it's totally unreasonable so is that insanity how amazing um uh i've seen uh i have had some controlled experiments you know in the last year um and i failed the test you know so i i'm an addict um let's see i do have reservations but i'm looking for them and tabling them while i do this work I think they still have power so I want to like recognize that hey you got the power over here but I'm suspecting that through this work the power will come through me from love God and the reservations will be removed Vincent, alcoholic. So I'm going to say what I wrote on 35A and there's going to be an explanation afterwards. He said, yes, in the past there were many times I thought I could quit on my own after all hadn't I stopped smoking pot on my own so I started drinking when I was in high school went through all the you know um headaches and um throwing up in toilets and crawling through some woman's rose garden when I Was Too Drunk and it was awful and then I was 19 I discovered marijuana and I started smoking pot and I didn't realize this until I started doing this BBA program I was using pot to suppress the alcohol because I could get high and not throw up and have the headaches and everything else and do stupid stuff and I drank socially for the entire time I smoked pot and I did that until I was in my mid-30s I met a woman I fell in love with and got married and she had uh two children 11 and 13 years old and i thought to myself it'd be irresponsible of me to smoke marijuana get baked in the bedroom while they were you know didn't go out and tell them they shouldn't do drugs so i stopped smoking marijuana and i didn't know it but alcohol was waiting in the weeds literally and i walked right into alcohol within 10 years I was a raging alcoholic. And I thought, I quit smoking pot, I'll quit drinking alcohol. And I could not do it. Everything we try to stop smoking, I mean drinking alcohol, I tried. And I couldn't do it until I started going to Kaiser and their outpatient program. and then I started going to these meetings. On B, that I knew I had a deadly disease that will kill me if I don't stop drinking. But actually it's 36 is the one that I wanted to share. It says, I know in my heart, spiritual program, and in my mind, the knowledge, that I can never drink again. And if I do, it will kill you. So thank you. Hey, I'm an alcoholic. My name is Mario. I'm Mario. And let's see, 35. In the past, have you been unwilling to admit that you are a real alcoholic? and i said um i actually agreed with with you uh it was very delusional i never thought of myself being an alcoholic because i was not like one of those people that i saw you know on the streets of downtown um i had a roof over my head i was capable of holding down a job until the last few years of my drinking I had money in my pocket and a family who cared for me family that enabled me today equipped with the facts I define my alcoholism as the way that I think and feel when I'm not drinking I'm restless irritable and discontent and without doing this work I will drink again 36 do you have any reservation or any lurking notion that someday you might be able to drink and are used normally and and this question actually brought up a lot of emotion for me after having lost the ability to hold a bottle or glass with one hand due to severe shaking. I used to drink with both hands because I was shaking so much. The bruising on the sides of my torso from lack of nutrients, chronic vomiting, excessive sweating, hardening of the liver, bloating, and audible hallucinations. The bottle used to talk to me. As well as two weeks at 1111 Island Street, the detox facility, and then I was transferred to the VOA. And then 10 months in a recovery home leaves me with no reservation or lurking notion that I can drink normally. Good. I'm Anissa. I'm an alcoholic addict. Hi, Anissa! In the past, I was unwilling to admit that I had a problem. I always knew that I was going to have a problem with alcohol. I always thought I had problems with opiates, like heroin, pain pills, stuff like that, but it's where I was willing to admit I had trouble with alcohol because I knew I was a junkie and I was a dope fiend and I was okay with it I was like oh well this is just my life like I don't I'm powerless let's so I'm just gonna accept that I don'T know what to do about it with alcohol it was like I'll stop opiates maybe for like about 30 60 days and then I just drink that whole time you know like I drink a fifth of Hennessy in my closet by myself but I didn't have a problem right because I wasn't sticking a needle in my arm or I wasn't using opiates. I was in complete denial about it. Being an alcoholic or slash addict means to me that I will never be able to drink or use or control it. And I didn't write this down, but what I was thinking when I was hearing everybody is that today where I'm at in my sobriety, being an alcoholic and an addict actually means freedom for me because it's Like, now I know what's wrong with me, and I have the solution. And honestly, like, this struggle, this trial has been the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You know, everything I went through brought me here. And it's made me the woman that I am today. So I'm grateful for it. Do I have any reservations? Today I don't. I'm very clear that I can't drink or use normally. That's it. Hello, I'm Matt. I'm an alcoholic. And in the past, I've been unwilling. Absolutely. I went to a pre-treatment counselor. He's a social worker and we went through this questionnaire. He said, in order to go to treatment, you need to meet three out of eight and you meet all eight. I shook my head and I said no and he was like yes and I was like no. This is just what we do. It's acceptable behavior in the barracks and he said son when i was in nam i got shot and the doc was giving me morphine and he had to give me more because i could i still could feel the pain they looked at me and said you have a problem i shook my head and i said no he said eventually son you're going to learn you have a problema and so i continued to just shake my head like no you don't know what you're talking about um b what is being an alcoholic and or an addict means me i said the inability to consume alcohol in a responsible manner and stopping on my own free will and do i have any reservations and said, no, I will die. If I do not die, I will end up killing someone else. Awesome. That's all I can say. All right. All right? I want to close with this. I saw a comedy the other night called Fist Fight. Does anyone have seen it? And there was a scene where the two teachers were talking and one teacher said, are you doing crystal meth again? And she goes, yeah. She goes, you don't think I should because it's the gateway, right? And he goes, no, it's pretty much the finish line. So enough of this casual use of meth, okay? Plus it's against the law. All right. Okay, so can I get a couple volunteers to help clean up? Can I see some hands? One, two. We just need to make sure that the chairs are straight and straightened up and everything's off the floor, trash and stuff. Please make sure that you pick up your trash also. Oh, we've got to pass the baskets. We're passing the baskets for rent and also for food for next week. Does anyone want to bring food next week? Does anyone wants me to bring it? I'll bring food. You want me to do it next week or bring food? Bring food next time. I'll be there next week if the pizza's okay. No. I'll go, I'll get something different. Okay, can I get a couple volunteers to help clean the kitchen? Kitchen? One, two. Thanks, guys. Thank you so much. All right, let's close with a serenity prayer. It's close, it's close. All right. There he is. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference stay alright yeah thank you