People Who Stop Going to Meetings Don’t See What Happens to the People Who Stop – Diane M.

my name is julie and i'm an alcoholic welcome to the monday night blue chip speakers meeting on nava zoom where a member of alcoholic synonymous with one year or more sobriety tells his or her story and this reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of alcoholic synonymous each individual in our personal stories describes in our own language and from our own point of view the way we establish our relationship with god these give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear idea of what has happened in their lives we hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our a in our nava zoom room tonight and listening later on aa bluechipspeakers.org desperately need will hear tonight's speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded that yes i am one of them too i must have this thing now i was given the honor of being the um the chairperson and i say the honor because um diane is really um important voice in my sobriety and i got to know her a little bit better through the women's meeting that i used to go to in person um and i know that she's going to the 9 30 now but i don't think i really was in the 9 30 months with her when i was going to the 9 30 which was my home group for 30 for 20 years so i know that she's got solid solid sobriety because she has a lot of years and she goes to what i think is probably the best day meeting in atlanta which is that 9 30 i know you're not supposed to say that but it's a very good meeting i really enjoy hearing what she has to say and with that i give you diane thank you thank you everybody thank you tim for asking me and thank you everyone that showed up so i have somebody to talk to this is my first time doing a zoom um i am diane and i'm an alcoholic my sobriety date is april of 1993 so it's 9 30 i can't we can um i i was at clarkston for over 20 years and then um can you all hear me just uh my internet's unstable can you hear me okay um i was at clarkston for 20 something years and my schedule changed so that i really had difficulty getting there so my sponsor who's going to be there in a minute is going to be there in a minute so i'm going to talk to you about that so i'm going to talk to you about that so i'm going to talk to you about who had gone to naba for years before she moved south uh suggested naba and kept encouraging me and luckily i listened to her um found the 9 30 meeting and really that's i love that it's literature based so yes it is it is great media unfortunately julie had had to go back to work by then um so my job is to tell you what it was like what happened and what it's like now uh just check my battery and i've got for my laptop so i've got two and a half hours so buckle in just kidding um my i grew up i grew up in a fairly normal childhood i i did not come from alcoholism that i know of uh my mother i've wondered about um although she never had a drop in her life until she was in her 50s because of religious reasons um but once she started drinking she seemed to quite a bit but she died at 58 so don't really know about her um my father definitely was not he would have one drink and i never actually saw him have more than one and that was not on a regular basis and if he did have one and he was and they had gone out he would always hand my mother the keys now that was not my story i love to drink and drive i would fight you for the keys so that i could drive which is i'm so fortunate that i did not kill myself or or somebody because i just i i lived to drink out and about and then drive home um the first time i i remember getting drunk uh i i would i drank before that but the first time really had a really almost a drinking binge uh was the summer after i was 16 i had the opportunity my parents had had saved up and wanted me to experience i got to go to europe for three weeks and from the moment my feet hit the pavement abroad i i drank every chance i got and i was the only one who did that you know i was a crowd of students and um we had only one teacher who was in her first year of teaching so she was pretty young and pretty cool but i just every chance i got if that if i could sneak off and drink off i went and um you know consequently when i got home with all these great fabulous pictures that i'd taken over three weeks my parents naturally wanted to sit down and talk about that and i i really couldn't tell much of what anything was because you know i had taken pictures but i was uh during the day i was usually you know hung over and at night i blacked out so it was it was really a trip that i did not um to take the opportunity to appreciate and uh and i don't know you know they they had word reached back to them when i was drinking but as as i always did um while drinking and probably can still do today i just what they accused me of i just denied because if they didn't see me do it then i would just say that's not what i was doing and i thought that was not true um so although they heard stories about my drinking when i got back i'm like i don't really know what they're talking about uh and again that was how i that's how i went lived at home my mother being a non-drinker at the time could smell alcohol a mile away and days old so i had to really really be careful um until i got away to the college um back then um you could drink at 18. they weren't um to care they didn't care too much about your age um back in the you know good old days um you know so there were bars that we could go to i grew up in chattanooga and there was a bar you could go to and if you went in at a you know before six o'clock they didn't check ids and once you were in you were in so you know we figured that out pretty early so on the if i could spend the night with a girlfriend then we would go out and we would we would party and um and i just you know from the moment i first drank beer was my drink of choice i did drink liquor but i always felt in control when i drank beer um and when i drank liquor i i couldn't control myself and i didn't know what was going to happen so i i prefer to stick with beer as much as i could and um and i just love the taste of it um even right when i was trying when every time i'd go on the wagon i would drink o'doul's non-alcoholic beer and i you know i drink a case i just was so sure that i loved the taste of alcohol and um my first sponsor she said no you were trying to eat every bit of alcohol you could out of that non-alcoholic beer so you didn't go into dt's um but you know i really was convinced that i just loved and i not only could i not imagine not having alcohol to drink um you know and the effect of that i for a long time was the thought of even not being able to drink you know the liquid alcohol beer um was really hard for me to fathom um you know i went in my senior year in high school i had a neighbor and um she and i told our parents that we belonged to some some group that we had a meeting every friday early before school started so she would pick me up and we'd go to like a qt type uh gas station and buy an eight pack of millilite ponies and we would drink those before we went to class we just thought we were so cool and you know eight i i got four and she got four and you know they were just the little ponies but you know at seven o'clock in the morning and i'm being 18 years old or 17 at the time you know i was pretty tipsy by the time i got to school and um you know shockingly we never got busted uh because i know we smelled like it i know we acted like it and we did that every single friday um in our senior year of high school and we just thought we were the coolest things and something we just loved and and years later i think it was in my first year of sobriety i got a um i don't remember if it's a phone call or a letter from her actually it was a phone call because she she was calling she had gotten into aa and she was called to make amends for something and um you know i had no idea what she was talking about and um but the i thought it was interesting that both of us ended up in AA and i don't know that she's still in it um but uh and i'm uh she's still in it we're still in it and i think that's But at the time, she was, you know, my early sobriety. So we both got sober about the same time and both walked some of the same journey. You know, alcohol did for me a lot of things. One was I always felt so socially awkward. I remember in high school, I just, you know, I still don't like the phone very much. But in high school, it just, the thought of, I would sit and make notes before I would call somebody to think of conversations to have. Which sounds so stupid, but that's how socially awkward I felt. And, you know, until I got sober and even, I mean, I still have moments today of feeling socially awkward, certainly. But I just always, without that crutch of alcohol, I just, I didn't know how to do anything socially. I had to have some liquid courage. I had to have something to soothe me. I had to have something to bolster my ego so that I felt comfortable being out in the world. I went to school. I went to school at Knoxville. And, you know, that was, I just couldn't wait for my parents. I mean, I don't think they had gotten the door closed in their car before. I'm like, all right, rounding up the people, let's go party. I was assigned a roommate like a lot of us were back in the day. And she was someone who, she'd had a brother who'd been killed by a drunk driver. So she really wasn't into partying. And I, you know, I really didn't. I, at the time, had zero empathy about her brother. Zero. All I wanted to do was drink. And so I worked really hard to get her to join us that night. I don't know why we didn't just leave her behind because she was a wet blanket. But, you know, she and I did not last very long as roommates. We were about as opposite as you could get. And, again, I just, I had no empathy, no sympathy, no understanding whatsoever about her loss of a brother in general, particularly to a drunk driver. But I did find others. Just like myself. And, you know, I lived to party. You know, that was, I went to school. I don't really know why I went to school other than to get away from home for one thing. But it also seemed like it would be, you know, that's what I was supposed to do. So I did. But, you know, I immediately found my love of drinking versus my love of school. I was, it took me, I was in and out. I was asked to leave twice for my grades because I never went to class. I never opened a book. So they didn't particularly care for my grade average. So twice I was asked to leave. So I was in and out, in and out, in and out for ten years before I finally got my degree. In that time, you know, I would work. I found a job. So I, the first time I was asked to leave, I had to go back home. And when I got there, I went to school somewhere else to get my grades up so I could go back. And I vowed I would never, ever, ever go back home again. Because it was just, you know, my mother, to my saving grace growing up, was in my business. So once I tasted the freedom of college, living under a thumb again was just not going to work. So once I went back to school and got myself in, I also got a job. So I made sure that I could be mostly self-supporting. And, you know, I had a roommate who was just like me. And, you know, what I always would do, I would, you know, compare myself to others and how I could be better than them. And while it took me ten years to graduate college, she, on the other hand, and I tell this story just because it's funny and it really explains the kind of people that I hung out with. She did not, she attended school for four years, or her father paid her tuition for four years, let me put it that way. And unlike my parents, they didn't check up on her. You know, my parents got my grades. They knew everything that was going on. And hers didn't. So when her four years was up, they assumed she was graduating. She got a car for graduation. But, you know, she hadn't been to school in a couple years. And I don't, you know, they didn't get her graduation. They didn't ask about her grades. So she got a new car and off she went. And, again, that was just the kind of people that I hung out with, you know, to do whatever we could to do what we wanted when we wanted to do it. My, probably a year before I graduated, some things happened that helped me turn things around. Not that I got sober by any stretch because I didn't. But I had my younger brother. I'm in the middle of two brothers, one who recently died, my older brother. But my younger brother had gotten to school. My older brother had left. He had graduated and moved on. My younger brother's in school. And here I am. I'm still there. And I started dating his college roommate. And he got killed by a drunk driver. So, you know, I get a call in the middle of the night or early morning. My father telling me that, you know, they had discovered him. He'd been run off the road by a drunk driver. And then another couple of months later, someone that I worked with was killed by a drunk driver. That person that hit her was going on the interstate the wrong way. And then another couple of months later, my mother died suddenly. So, in a year, I had three people that I was close to die. And I just shut down. But out of that, my mother had not been very proud of me. You know, how parents do. You know, what do your kids do? And here, I've been at school for nine years. And they're all... All her friends get graduated and they're doing this and they're doing that. And they're married and they have kids. And, you know, here's Diane. So, she has to kind of mutter whatever she wanted to mutter that her daughter was doing. And, you know, she and I did not have a very good relationship because of, you know, how I was. We just always seemed the buttheads. So, her dying, what that did, though, was, I believe, I mean, I'm not terribly insightful at that point in time. But what it seems like... What it did is it motivated me to get back in school and to make her proud, you know, in my own way. So, that really was, you know, within a year of her dying, I had graduated and finally moved on to the next stage of my partying. So, I was almost was going to move to Atlanta. But I had an offer for a job in Memphis. And I tell this just because it's, again, part of how my personality was. I had a... I had a good friend from high school who lived in Memphis. And I called her and said, hey, you know, I've got a job that I've been offered. She's like, do not come here. You will not like it. I promise you, you will not like Memphis. Don't do it. But I did. You know, I didn't take... I just didn't ever listen to anybody had to say, you know, her experience. She knew me. You know, we've been great friends in high school. She knew I wouldn't like it. And yet, I went anyway. And she was right. I did not like it. And, you know, it was me. It wasn't Memphis. I had a job where I... The first nine months, there was a group of us from all over the country that would go different places for training. And I loved that part of it. But then, you know, I'd have to go back to Memphis and work for a bit. And every weekend when I was home, I would get in the car and I would drive to Knoxville. Because I missed Knoxville. I missed all my friends. You know, Friday afternoon, I'd fill the cooler and I'd hop in the car and I'd head to Knoxville. And I just don't know how I made it weekend after weekend, drinking and driving. And I had to go over a mountain. There's mountains between Memphis and Knoxville. And one time, I came to because I had blacked out, passed out, just before I was getting ready to go off the cliff. And, you know, there are many of those stories that it's pure grace that I sit here today. It's pure grace that I didn't take someone out. I have other stories of wrecks that I'll get to. But, you know, that was a jolt to me. But not enough to do anything other than pull over and shake it off and go on my merry way with drink in hand. So, after my short stint in Memphis, I thought, you know, she's right. I don't like it here. This isn't going to work for me. Let me move to Atlanta like I originally planned. So, I got to Atlanta in 1986. Yeah. You know, I was thinking about, you know, I'm telling my story, thinking about, you know, how much I moved around when I first got to Atlanta. So, I've been here for 34 years. The first 17 years, I moved 11 times. And the last 17 years, I haven't moved any times. So, you know, that even in my early sobriety, I moved a good bit. But that just, you know, the stability that came with sobriety, that's just that stands out to me. Also, another thing that stands out in my 10 years of in and out of undergraduate to finally get it, as my father said, just get the piece of paper. I don't care what it says. Just get the piece of paper. And thank goodness, you know, that certainly would have handicapped me not with what I wanted to do with my life. And once I got sober, I went back to school four times to get other degrees. So, you know, in 10 years of early sobriety, right when I first got sober, I went back to school four times to get other degrees. So, you know, in 10 years of early sobriety, right when I first got sober, I went back to school four times to get other degrees. I got three degrees compared to my one degree in 10 years of drinking. And I only say that just, again, just to show the stark difference in sober living and drunk living. So, I'm in Atlanta. I've got a job. I meet people just like me. You know, we're young. We're enjoying life. The world's our oyster, as they say. And we just, we partied hard. And, you know, and everything was enjoyable for the most part. Not too much trouble. I say that, you know, I got here when I was 28, and at 30, I got a DUI. So, you know, yes, I had some trouble. But, you know, the way it felt like to me was that it really wasn't trouble. It was just I got a DUI. I hired a lawyer. I had to go to a DUI school, and that was it. And the DUI school, I went because I had to go. But I would drink before I would go. You know, I can still see the look on one. My friend's face is when I was at her house and throwing some back before I headed out. She's like, where are you going? I said, oh, I've got to go to this DUI school. She's like, after you've been drinking? I'm like, yeah, you know. And I just thought nothing. It's just so dense, or the denial. Just no clue whatsoever. So, to me, you know, while it was a consequence, it had no meaning, unfortunately. You know, I had another friend who's not an alcoholic that I worked with at the time. And she got a DUI. And she had to pick up trash on the side of the road. She never drank and drove again. So, you know, I became her driver, too. You know, one of the last times she and I partied hard together, I forget the name of it. There's some Mexican bar that was in Buckhead. And we left there, and I was like, you know, let me just take a little nap for just a minute. She's like, okay. You know, she knew she wasn't going to drive. And, you know, next thing you know, the sun's waking us up because we slept in the car all night, you know. And, again, that's just, that was how I lived. I lived to drink. I couldn't imagine life without drinking. I was not comfortable in my own skin at all. And, you know, for the most part, it seemed like life was going well. Until it wasn't. And that's, and I'm so grateful that it stopped working. Because periodically I'd have some troubles and I'd, you know, I'd straighten up for a bit and not drink as much. And get life back in order. And then, you know, on I'd go. But this, the last year of my sobriety, my sobriety, last year of my drinking, was what I needed to take me down. So I had, I had a relationship in. Now, I wasn't happy in that relationship. But I still didn't want it to end because it wasn't on my terms. That meant I had to move because we were living together. I had to move. I changed jobs because, you know, a friend of mine was like, well, why are you changing your jobs? Because I had a really good career. I'm like, well, I'm bored. He's like, really? That's, you know, that's, that's why you're changing. I'm like, yeah, I'm bored, you know. And I even said, you know, well, I made all these other changes. Why not make this too? And within three months of making that career change, that job went away. So I'm unemployed. And then one of my very best friends was dying and did die of AIDS. So that last year was just one where I just slowly, slowly, slowly spiraled down. And then during that time, it was after he had died. I had what was a pattern of mine while drinking. I had a car wreck. And what would happen, what I think would happen, you know, because I was blacked out. And this happened four times in college and it happened here in Atlanta. And so I'd be out drinking. I'd be, I'd, I'd get back into wherever I was living, the area I was living in. Usually it was an apartment. And what I think would happen, be like, I made it, you know, because I was always paranoid. And I would pass out. And then I would come to at some point and I had hit a tree or wall or something. And that happened in my last year of drinking. And I knew then I thought, you know, God's trying to tell me something. Um, so I decided, all right, I'll, I told all my friends, because that's how I do it. I tell them, my friends, you know, I'm going to do this, this and this, thinking that would kind of box me in. But, but it didn't. I said, all right, if I'm, if it's during the week, I can have like six beers. And if it's on the weekend, I can have 12. And if you're driving, I can have this many. And if I'm driving, I can have, you know, all these things. Of course, there was never that I'm not going to drink. There was how much. I could drink. Um, and I think that lasted maybe a week. Um, you know, on, on I went. Um, and then, you know, when I had that last wreck, um, the friend I was with the night before who I had just, I had, I had left. I, we'd been out, um, I forget the name of that big all night party bar. Um, I, I lost her somewhere in there. And I just, I mean, I thought, you know, I, I got to go. And I just, I just left her there. Um, and that was back before we had Uber or cell phones. Um, but the next morning, luckily she made it home and she called me. She said, Hey, why don't we go to church today? I'm like, sure. I need, I need that. Uh, and when I came, when she woke me up, I said, you know, you know, I had a car wreck last night. She's like, Oh my God, what happened? I said, Oh, everything's fine. Um, but I didn't, you know, I came home and I ran into a wall. Well, when I went out to get in my car, it was, it was. It was demolished. The front end. It was not drivable. Um, and I had a neighbor that, uh, lived across the hall from me and she saw me and she saw the car. She said, what happened? Had a little bit too much to drink last night. I'm like, I was so offended. No, what are you talking about? Now, mind you, this lady lived across the hall from me. So night after night, she'd see me passed out with the door open on the couch and the dog running loose. I mean, she helped take care of my dog because, you know, I would just let it out back because we had wood. And, um, but yeah, I was so highly offended that she thought I'd been drinking. So that was really, like I said, I felt like God was trying to tell me something. And we went to a new age church and, you know, I thought, you know, that something's, I gotta, I gotta do something. Um, and so I, um, I decided that I better go on the wagon. I said, I'm going to go on the wagon for 30 days. And I don't know. I didn't tell anybody this time. I just told myself. I was like, you know, I've, I've got to do something about this. And usually, like I said, I could get thing, you know, go on a little wagon for a little bit. I'd never tried 30 days before. Um, but I could get life back together. Um, and this time I, I, I was worried that I couldn't do the 30 days. Um, I was also, I'd been unemployed, uh, pretty close to a year. So I've been blowing through my money and I needed some quick cash. Um, so earlier in my drinking for Stenna. I'd worked at, uh, Taco Mac out in Windy Hill and I thought, you know, I'm going to, and I, I'd chosen Windy Hill cause I thought I won't see anybody that I know, you know, cause my ego was involved. So I went back there and, um, started working and, um, but my last drinking, last drinking weekend, uh, was really, you know, I, I tied it on well. Um, it was the women's final four basketball tournament was in Atlanta. I had someone in town. Um, and we just, we partied hard so hard that on Sunday night before, um, which is going to be my last drinking night for 30 days, I was sick as a dog. Um, but since it's gonna be my last night and I've got, I've got to drink. So, I mean, I literally forced a couple of beers down. I just, I felt so, so bad. Um, so, uh, and also in that drinking weekend, that friend became more than a friend and we got into a relationship my last drinking weekend. So, you know, that's not going to go well, end well. Um, so I go to work at Taco Mac Monday morning, April the 5th, 1993. Uh, what stood out to me when I got there and it was, you know, it was an awareness that I know was God given because I, on my own, I wouldn't have had that. Um, there was almost everybody that was there had been working there like 10 years before when I worked there the first time. And on one hand, it was good to see them. And the other hand, I thought here, my ego got involved again. I was like, I was gone. I was gone. I was gone. I was gone for 10 years and I got my shit together and I did this and I got back on track and, and they're still here. Um, I did, I went through that scenario in my head, but also thought, but if I don't do something different, I'm going to still be here. I may not get away again. And I didn't drink. And it's just a miracle, you know, that my first sober day hung over feeling like shit, which should be a normal morning. But by the day being over, I'd be drinking again and I didn't. And I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and by the grace of God, I haven't had a drink since. Um, I did not go to AA initially. The person that I got into a relationship with, um, she kept suggesting or she actually, she'd always say, have you thought about AA? Luckily she didn't tell me to go. She didn't say, I think you need to go. She did later tell me, she said, I'd heard about how you folks in Atlanta partied long before I got here. She said, so I'm not surprised that you're, you're where you are. Uh, but have you thought about going to AA? And I'm always like, no, no, no, you know. But before that 30 days was over, I was having another higher power awareness that if I didn't do something differently this time, I would be drinking again. Because, yes, I could quit for a period, but I couldn't I could never stay stopped on my own. So I went to AA and they, you know, always laugh because I got dressed. I took my little notepad portfolio. I was going to take notes and think, you know, because I didn't know what AA was. I thought I'll get whatever I need to get and I'll be done. So, you know, I went in just like that. And when they offered the chips, you know, it was like somebody pushed me from behind and just lifted me out of my seat. And I picked up a white chip. I really almost didn't know why, but it was, you know, it's just OK. This is what I'm doing. So they had a first step meeting. A lot of things I related to. There's still people that I see occasionally about in and about town that were in that meeting that I know vividly, you know, from that first meeting. I remember what a lot of people said. When I see them, I can remember things they said. There were things that I didn't relate to. And when I got home, the friend said, so what'd you think? I said, well, you know, it was it was a good meeting. You know, I picked up a white chip. I can say that I'm an alcoholic. I got that. I said. I don't I don't need to go back. She's like, OK. She said, yes, what my father said. And again, another insight came to me. I'd never met her father. He was dead. He'd been an alcoholic. He had quit drinking. He'd gone to AA once. He never went back. But from the stories you told, he was a dry SOB, dry, drunk SOB. So I thought, I don't want to be like that. So I find myself going back now. Like I said, that first meeting, I remember vividly. The second one, third one, fourth one, I really have no recollection of. I know that I started going, but, you know, after that point, I was in a fog. So I don't know when it it it started. I don't know when I started remembering, but I did. You know, I did start going regularly. Got a sponsor and she was just wonderful. The first sponsor I had, I called her. She would listen to me for hours. She would meet me for coffee regularly. We started going through the steps. I knew her from one of the that church I went to that day after I had the record. I met her there through a mutual friend. So when I spotted her in a meeting, I'm like, ah, I'll ask her to be my sponsor. And, you know, I the the first step, I was real clear. I was an alcoholic. It took me a long, long time to recognize that my life was unmanageable, which seems insane today. But, you know, I was insane. But what I had to find was a power great in the myself that I believed cared about me because I'd grown up with a God from a religion that I didn't think liked me, loved me. You know, I would pray to it or talk to it, but I always felt like it was a punishing God and that, you know, I was going to go to hell. So I was thrilled to find that I could find a God. I was thrilled to find that I could find a God. And that was my understanding, because if I'd had to have the God I grew up with, I don't think I'd be sitting here today. So, you know, that was a process. And that's still a process. You know, when I hear other people share about their higher power, sometimes I think, oh, I think I want I bet mine can do that, too, or I can have that characteristic. And there's on occasion when I have a friend, I borrow her higher power because the way she talks about it, him or it, I think I think I'm going to use hers for a while. You know, so. It's a very fluid relationship, but I'm clear I'm not my higher power because I've just got me in all kinds of trouble. The fourth and the fifth step, I had the experience of just dumping everything, you know, that things I thought I'd go to my grave with, which today are not such a big deal, not things I'm proud of, but really not such a big deal that I was able to share with her and her share back that she had that same experience. Oh, whatever. What a relief that was. I didn't have any problem doing the fourth and the fifth. Fifth and the sixth. Initially, we just kind of skimmed through, so I didn't get much out of that. I mean, the sixth and seventh and the eighth and ninth, I kind of I kind of hit a wall. I had seen those when I first came in and thought, hmm, not I don't have any intention of doing those. And so I changed sponsors. I thought, you know. I don't know that I consciously thought that, but that really I know in hindsight, that's that's exactly what I was doing. So I started over again. Here we go. First step again. Go through the steps. Do another fourth and fifth. Again, didn't really do a whole lot with six and seven. You know, it's that big in the big book and got to eight and nine. And so we did some easy ones. You know, there's a lot of them. She scratched off and said, you don't need to be doing those because it was all about my ego, what I was going to tell somebody how sorry I was. And I kind of got stuck again. I ended up about that time. And I guess for some reason, I'd gotten sober at Glono and it just felt like it was time for me to move on. And I'd met some friends who had who were from Nashville, Tennessee, who were at Glono. But they always talked about this group called Clarkston. And I was also getting some outside help. And and she suggested Clarkston. She said, you know, I don't give a shit who you sleep. Excuse my French. I don't care who you sleep with as long as you don't drink. So I thought, OK, that's a place for me. So I went to Clarkston and and that was really where my sobriety took off in a lot of ways. One, I even though I am gay and I was at got sober at a gay clubhouse, but that didn't help me get comfortable with myself. But when I got to Clarkston and people accepted me for who I was. Because that's really when I started accepting myself. And that was really when things started working better for me. And I started working more of the program. So I got another sponsor. This sponsor, I'd asked she my relationship that I got into in the last drinking weekend was ending. And I was pretty devastated. You know, it was my first sober love. And I was really struggling. And so my sponsor had some experience in a relationship ending that that was vital. To me, and so I'd heard her share about it. So I asked her to be my sponsor. So I changed sponsors for a valid reason this time. And she was very, very helpful. She was also very helpful in getting me to work that eighth and ninth step. Finally, and you did it in the, you know, by encouraging me, sharing with me her experience, strength and hope. You know, she knew what I had. I had stolen from a place I worked in Knoxville when I worked at Taco Mac. The first time I, I, we were, everybody drank on the job. I wasn't unique, but still, it wasn't like the boss said, Hey, drink on the job. You can have one when it ends, but we would drink all night long. And if I had friends that come in, came in, they got your drink all night long. So I figured out, you know, I probably owed her two to $3,000 in alcohol. So I had that amends to make owed my father, a lot of financial amends. He was very much an enabler. Um, but you know, I don't know where I'd be without. Yeah. That enabling, um, but it was so bad financially and how he enabled me that, um, you know, when I first got to Atlanta, um, and was getting started in a job, not making a lot of money, I would go out to lunch for the group of friends and I would put all of our tab on my dad's credit card and they would give me the cash. And that's how we lived for a week. Um, and he, you know, my father never once, never once said, what did you eat? That you've got a, you know, a hundred dollar bill. He never said a word to me, but you know, I know that I knew that was wrong and I knew it had a lot to pay him back. So, you know, I calculated what that was. So, you know, I started to make, I made amends to him and I started sending him a monthly check. He didn't want me to him right now. Dad, this is something I need to do. Um, a few years into doing that, I heard someone tell their story, um, who, who made financial amends to their family. Their father, same thing, sending money. And, um, what she said though, she said, I always put a note in there to my dad. She said, at one point he said, you know, please, I don't want you to send me more money, but would you keep sending me those notes? And that touched me because I wasn't putting a note in mine. You know, it's, it's hard to explain the resentment I had that he helped me. And I didn't, I didn't have a resentment in paying him back, but I had a resentment. I don't know. I can't, I still, even today can't explain them, but that touched me when she shared that. So I started putting notes in there as well. And that just felt so much better to him. And it, and it meant the world felt good to me and meant the world to him. And to the day came same thing. He's like, you know, please, he didn't say, he said, stop paying me. He didn't say, keep sending me the notes, but he did say, you know, you don't need to pay me. And, and I had to talk to my sponsor about it. And, um, you know, because I didn't want to not pay him, but we, between the two of us, we got clear that, that he wanted, he had helped both of my brothers get, you know, down payment on a house. And so for him, this was my down payment on a house if I would stop paying him. And so I thought, you know, I could live with that. So I did stop paying him, but I was able to make living amends and, uh, and go see him, you know, at least once a month. And, um, there was more than one time when I'd have to go stay a week when he had some health issues and, uh, my stepmother wouldn't, she'd be in the hospital. So I would go stay. So I had plenty of opportunities to make living amends. So. So when he died a few years back, he and I were in good order. Um, another amends I had to make was to my older brother, the one who, who recently died. He had, he, you know, he saved my life, um, one. And when I first was kicked out of school, got my grades up, when I was going to go back, my parents did not want me, they didn't trust me to go back. Shocking. Um, and he said, you know what, she can come live with me. And that was really, that got me back, um, out of the house. I don't, I don't. I don't know what would, I would have been like if I hadn't, couldn't gotten away. Um, and when he graduated, he had bought his first car, a 66 Mustang. And he gave that to me. You know, that's a, I was, I was a classic car then, I was a classic car today. I, I destroyed that thing over and over and over. You know, coming home, hitting trees, hitting walls. You know, my father would, I'd drive around with, you know, taping it down. I mean, it just, it looked like a drunk car. Uh, and then the last time I, um, I really destroyed it. I hit, um, my roommate and I had been out partying and we got into a fight. And I, I was, I had passed out, but she didn't know that. And so she sees I'm getting ready to run under one of those big road, um, you know, serious trucks that they do major, you know, road construction with. And, um, she didn't say anything because she didn't want me, she thought I was trying to scare her. So we drove right under that thing. And, and stopped right before we were under it. And, um, luckily she was not badly hurt. Um, I was, I burst my bladder. Don't, don't drive if you need to go to the bathroom. Because when I, I didn't have my seatbelt on, of course, that was stupid. But, um, I hit the steering wheel and my burr just blast. So don't drive when you have to go to the bathroom, ladies and men. Um, but, you know, back in that day, you know, the ticket that the police gave. So the cause of the accident was drinking or alcohol. But there was, I didn't get a ticket, you know, since I was badly hurt. My parents couldn't say a whole lot. At least that was in my mind. I was kind of, first thing I, when I woke up and saw them, I'm like, thank God I'm hurt. They can't get too mad at me. But, you know, they'd gotten a call in the middle of the night. They're a hundred miles away telling that, that I'd had a bad wreck and I was going into emergency surgery. And, uh, you know, that's something I, I couldn't make up for. You know, you can't make an amend for that. Um, time I got sober and my mother's gone, you know, I could go to her grave site and, and read her letter. Um, and my father, you know, again, it was just the, the living amends. But back to that car of my brother, I had to go to him and I was, you know, I didn't know how I could make that right. And, um, I was scared that he was going to stay behind me in another 66 Mustang, which I didn't know how I could possibly do that. Um, but he, he said, you know, it was, it was very emotional. For both of us, I was getting choked up making it. He was getting choked up hearing it. Um, but he's, he said, you know what, what you can do is continue to spend time with my kids like you're doing. Cause I had started once I got, even before I got sober, but really once I got sober, I would get them for a weekend. And, uh, we'd go to the zoo and do different things. And he said, you know, you keep doing that, that, that, that makes, that makes up for everything. And that was, that's been an easy thing to do. Um, and thank goodness, you know, he and I were in good hands. We were in good order because of me being sober when he died. Um, so that, that's another gift of, of the program. So, so I made all my financial amends. Um, and you know, 10, 11 and 12, you know, start working with others. Uh, I did, I've done a lot of service, held a lot of service positions over time. I've had the opportunity to, to meet a lot of people. Um, you know, one of the greatest gifts I got to be, I was in a group, started off as alternate in a group for, um, at Clarkston. And then the dinner group, and then I got on the steering committee and ultimately I was the chairperson for inner group. And that gave me the opportunity to get to know Helen, you know, Helen and Avery, but particularly Helen. And, you know, what a gift to be able to get to know her and spend time with her over these years. I mean, she's just, um, just a special person. And, um, she's going to be telling her story for Clarkston's anniversary in November, if anybody's interested. Um, so, you know, there's sobriety. She has been very good to me. Um, it wasn't easy for me. Um, not that I'm unique, but the first five years I was, I wasn't really very happy. I had a lot of changes to make. You know, I went back to school. I had the relationship end. Um, I cried a lot. Somebody shared tonight, you know, they were crying when they were sharing. It's like, you know, I cried every time I shared for the first two years. I mean, every time. I just had a lot of emotions to let out. And, um, you know, it just took a while for me to, to grow up, um, and to get back on track with my life, to get back into the profession I'm in today. I had to do some things to, to get back in and, and I needed some more education. And so that just, that took time. You know, I wanted, you know, day 30 to be 10 years sober and have my life together. And it just, it didn't and doesn't work that way. Um, but one day at a time has added up to a really wonderful, um, life, um, having the experience to work with sponsees, um, is something that's, you know, just so special. You know, I know how much my, all my, um, you know, the first one certainly stands out and how patient and loving and tolerant and kind she was and take, taking my phone calls, meeting me for coffee. Um, you know, she was just always available and that's, you know, that's just something so special. And, you know, the, the sponsor who helped me get over. The relationship and work eight, nine, and then the sponsor I had the day that I've had for a very long time as well, um, who got me to NABBA, you know, and she knows me and she certainly helped me through lots of things. And, um, she's the person I call if, if something's going on and I don't know how to handle, she's where I go. I've got a lot of sober, um, friends and I have friends who aren't in the program. I don't need to be a program. I mean, I have, I have a full life today that I did not have when I got here. Um, and that's. That's all due to sobriety and, um, and I just, I can't imagine what my life would be like if I were still alive, you know, if I wasn't in prison for killing somebody, if I wasn't dead from killing myself or some of the even equally horror stories of, um, people who are still alive with vegetables, you know, I mean, there's all kinds of things. People always say, well, you know, if I drink, I'll die. It's like, if you're lucky, you know, it can be a whole. A whole lot worse to be alive and, and not, and still drinking. Um, so AA has given me a wonderful life and I know I heard early on that what do I have to do today is the same thing I had to do when I first got here. Um, so I, I know that meeting makers make it. Um, I know that people who stopped going to meetings don't see what happens to people who stopped going to meetings. Um, and I know if I didn't have, uh, uh, people to sponsor that I would not be as, in the middle of the AA bed as I, as I am because that, that forces me, you know, sometimes I need, I need help. I need to be forced, you know, if I make a commitment to you, I'm going to stick to it. Um, so I'm just grateful for all those opportunities that have, uh, have come my way and I appreciate you asking me tonight, Tim. So thank you. Thank you, Diane. That's so fabulous. Thanks, Diane. I know that stack daddy's credit card trick. I know it well. Good. I got that. We'll have to noodle together. What that bar was in Buckhead. It's probably. It's a Mexican restaurant. Rio Bravo. There it is. I, I, that's what I thought it was. Rio Bravo. There you go. It was either that or what? Carlos McGee's. It was either that or what? I, I, that's what I thought it was.