People-Pleasing Kept Me Quiet for Forty Years and I Called It Love – Elaine B.

Are we ready to have a meeting? My name is Alex, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday 8 p.m. Blue Chip Speakers' Meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight, and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them too. I must have this. And I heard tonight's speaker hasn't shared her story in a little bit, so I'm very grateful to be part of her return to that. Elaine B. is our speaker tonight. I'm Elaine. I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really not that nervous, but Alec is right. I have a my sobriety date is August 3rd, 2002, and the last time I shared was 2003 as a speaker. So I probably am going to tell you more about what not to do for planning my story, but I have been sober for that long, and just recently redid the steps in a way that changed everything. So I try not to drag on too much about my past, you know, my growing up. But first I want to thank, even though the women aren't here tonight, I had a lot of them from Newnan. I just moved here from Florida in November, and the women in Newnan were so welcoming to me. And just that little bit where they say, like, are you new? Because I wasn't going to say anything exactly. Or it was hard for me. I was coming here after I separated from my husband of 36 years, and my daughters were up here too, so that made it a little bit easier. But just they reached out to me, and they said, are you leaving already? You know, because that used to be my thing, come late, leave early, which is not recommended. And just I really feel like I'm happy to share more of my history with these ladies, and hopefully the other women. I have two sponsees here now. And not here, but they'll listen to it later. So anyway, so I'm a miracle right here. And, you know, I grew up on a farm in Oregon. I have four brothers and four sisters, one brother left now. But my dad was a – I guess you wouldn't say he's alcoholic, but he was drunk a lot. It was scary in our house. It was kind of funny because we had four – my mom had four kids, and then I'm in the second group of five. And he kept telling us, I only wanted four. I only wanted four. So you didn't have a lot of love feeling. I hardly ever – my dad never really talked to me. And my mom was still busy cooking, cleaning. And so we just – we didn't have emotion going in the house. And so I was cared for. And I had nice clothes. I mean, she sewed our clothes. I didn't feel like I was working, you know, we had to work in the summer. But I didn't mind it. I went to Catholic school, like a lot of us. And the best part about that was in third and fourth grade, we had the same teacher, and she was new. Kind of like – I don't know if you guys remember Sound of Music. There was Maria. And it was like that, Sister Benita. And she was like, God is love. He loves you no matter what. You come back to him. Whereas the other teachers, I'd – not so much my teachers, but the other students might say God was a fearing God and you can't – don't come back to – you know, he'll punish you. She – that stuck in my head that no matter what, even if I don't talk to God, he's there waiting for me to come to him. So that was a helpful thing. The no emotions at home was a thing. And then this is the part, like, I have to say a little bit. I'm going to be kind of vague, but there was, like, trauma in my house. And I learned a skill to disassociate things that were going on. And then I could also compartmentalize it. So it was like, that's at home, that's back. I'm at school, that's good. And it kind of was detrimental later in my life, but also good because I could function. And, you know, I went to school. People liked me. I was popular. I got good grades. And at home it was like, you know – and my whole time it was like that. We're quiet. We don't – I had to really work on, am I mad? Am I – is this a good thing? Is this – I mean, we – our emotions were – you would not know there was nine kids in our house. We were just like, okay. So anyway, I didn't really want to drink because I saw what happened with my dad drinking. And my two brothers were heroin addicts. They were older, like 10 or 9 years older than me. My sister joined a cult. She's been in it for 50 years. We get mixed here for seven years. You know, it's kind of – there's a lot of stuff in a big family. Anyway, so I went when I was 15. My friend took me to a – I went to a cabin and she had beer. I didn't want to drink the beer. But instead of saying, I don't want to drink the beer, I'm like sipping it and pouring it out. And that's part of my story the whole time. I can't say, I don't want this. I'm like, okay, I'm going to fit in. And so I feel like I drank it. And then the next couple months later, they had a tea party for me. And we had – I don't know if you guys remember. Annie Grace brings Peach Creek wine. And we had, like, shots. We were, like, in a tea party. And, like, we were getting drunk. And I got so sick. And felt terrible the next day. And I'm like, why do people want to do this? I mean, it's not that story where people say, I took that first drink and I felt like, oh, this is how I'm supposed to be. It wasn't. I really didn't want to. But slowly but surely, I got used to drinking. And we had Swiss Stop Malt Liquor. And that's what we drank. I mean, my dad – we had a hop – you know, there was hops on our bar. My dad would only drink Heineken or Pabst. We put salt in the Pabst. I don't know why. But does that sound weird? That doesn't sound right. Okay, anyway. And now it's a big craft brewery place. You know, they're all out there in Oregon. Anyway, so I started working at Jerry Queen's to get off the farm. And somebody got in speed. And we were behind the ice cream machine doing speed. And we were the best workers. I mean, what's the deal? And I was like, when there's nobody there, I'm like, okay, there's gum under the table. So I was like – I mean, the boss thought we were the greatest. So I knew right then that I was – I liked the energizing things. And I didn't want to – I didn't want to not be in control. I didn't really like drinking because I didn't want to lose – you know, I just don't – I wanted to be conscious. So – and the other thing I remember is, like, I went to a party in high school still. There was a senior there. And he was having a party. And he was popular. And he didn't drink. And I remember going, like, how does that work? How can he – people still like him. And he's not doing what everybody else is doing. I just – that was so unconscious to me of how I could do that. So anyway. And then I remember when I started. When I started drinking enough, I would really drink. I'd either get sick or black out. And just one example. It was like I went to my senior prom. And the next day I woke up and I had this bruise, huge. And I didn't know how I got it. And I guess it turns out that I got up on the stage with the band and with the tambourine. I was, like, you know, the whole time that I'm singing, I think I'm saying, Tom Gomer, I love you. And that wasn't my date. You know, and it was ugly. And I don't remember any of it. And so that was that. So anyway. The end of high school – see, this is, like, backwards, too. Like, a lot of – I've heard people talk about this. They can be alcoholics, and then when they're sober, they find some other addiction. It could be, you know, food, sex, shopping, Internet. So I'm a little backwards. So in high school, the end of my high school year, I got an eating disorder. And it was – this was in 76, so it was kind of before they even knew about it, what it was. They didn't have a name for it then. I think in 79 they finally diagnosed it. I mean, they made it a thing. Anyway. So that was my addiction at first. And anyway, so I went to college. I was, like, doing music, and they – I didn't like men. I mean, I was just afraid of men. And they gave me – my job was leading the men's choir at the penitentiary. Oh, my gosh. So right away, I'm like, I don't want to do music anymore. I'm done. And so I just – I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I was thin. And I started doing, like – I was modeling, but just, like, junkie model. I mean, like, it was – I went to Cinderella Charm School, and she was telling me, you're so great. And that was kind of fed my disease of eating. And meanwhile, it kept me away from people. I didn't want to date anybody. I'm – whatever, just isolating. So anyway, so then I decided I was going to leave college, and I got a job with the airlines. And I got the job. So I was flying to Atlanta. And this is kind of funny, because I remember thinking, this is going to be like the Clampetts, if you guys remember that. The Beverly Hills Dailys. And I'm landing, and I'm going, oh, my gosh, there's, like – it's a city. I mean, I was so – you know, there was not the Internet then. And I'm a farm girl, and I'm – I didn't even – I hadn't even been on a plane. And, you know, for my interview, I went, and I don't even know why I got the job. So I'm 20, and I had never been in a bar, because the drinking age is 21. And they took me to the bar, and I got pina colada. And then they taught me how to smoke. And so – anyway, so then I get boosted to Miami, and this is where it all starts. So my – I'm in Miami. My one roommate is from Dallas, and one's from Boston. And they're about my age. Maybe a couple years older. So the Dallas girl is going to go to a sorority alumni party with her little jello mold. And my Boston party person is going to go to a disco to meet her sugar daddies, Debbie Ogogo, Charlie Tuna, Kevin from Heaven, and Fabio. So I'm like, hmm. I guess I'll go this way. So – oh, my gosh. I mean, I'm just lucky I'm alive. I mean, really, it was crazy. Drug dealers, and it was kind of cool to do drugs, certain drugs. It was like Miami Vice time, and everybody was sniffing, and it was like – it was heaven. So I could stay skinny, and I still didn't really want to drink. And so we just – I'm just happy I'm still alive. And I was a good worker, too, because we – you know, it was different than in the airlines, too. You could – they didn't check our stuff when we got out. We went in the secret way, and – I mean, we were not always doing things. But you could. And even passengers would go into the bathroom and have, like, a spoon in their ear, and it's all cool. And it just was very accessible. And people would drink on the layovers. And I just joined in, because that's what you kind of got to do, even though I didn't really want to. Well, here you go again. Every time I drank a little bit, I would black out. And I remember I would have dreams. I think this is God. I would be talking. This is in my dream. I'm talking to them, and I look down. I have no clothes. I'm naked. And then I knew again. I said something I shouldn't say, and the next day they're like, ooh, you know, you didn't – you know. So right away, I'm like, I shouldn't be drinking. So I pretty much stopped that, too. And I could do it on my own then. And so I'm not an alcoholic, because I'm not drinking that much. So anyway, later in my – let's see. What happened next? Okay, so the evening was really bothering me. I was isolated. I was lying. I was telling people I was doing all these other things, and I really was going to be home alone, or I'm going to be exercising. I wouldn't eat for three days. It was taking over my whole life. And I liked drinking for it, too. I just really didn't think it was a problem then. So I put myself in a rehab. And the rehab then was like you're just being weak. Think of other ways to be crazy and numb. And I just thought, you know, that really took me down a different path. I'm just weak. And I'm a loser, and I'm a liar. I mean, I still needed the 12 steps to know that I was powerless. I didn't have it then. So anyway, so I'll take it. So then I met my husband. And then he was a normal person. But, you know, we drank a little bit, did a little drugs, but nothing huge. So this was the clincher for me. I didn't like my mother-in-law. And she was annoying. And I was talking to my girlfriend. And she said, well, why don't you have a drink before she comes? And I'm like, oh, it's okay. And I think it was because I drank for a reason. And I tell you, it worked. And then you know what? I couldn't stop. It just was, I don't know if it was the mental mindset of it. Or it was going to come. I knew it. But I literally couldn't stop. And I went to my first AA meeting myself. And they said, how? I've been drinking about six weeks. And they were like, you can't be. And I go, well, I really, I can't stop drinking. I just wanted it. It was like that craving. And like people talk about when they're first drink, that they felt normal. But I was, I think I was 30. So I just, that's my story, which kind of sounds strange to me. But anyway, so then I got pregnant. And then I really knew. And I had to go to rehab again. And it was easy to get into rehab at that time. And, you know, I told my daughter in college, I'm drinking. I had a glass of wine at night. She goes, oh, that's okay. And I'm like, you know, a glass of wine is like a bottle and something. And I knew it wasn't okay. So I went to rehab. And then they had eating disorder and 12-step. And I came out of there. And I was pumped. But, you know, I was pregnant. I had a baby. And it was so easy. And that's another reason why I kept myself on the outside. But so then after a year of having her, then I thought, it was easy. It was easy to be sober. So I started drinking again. So then, I know, that was after a year. So then I got pregnant again. And it was okay. So I stayed clean for eight years. And not really just going to meetings. Like when I first went to meetings, I was even drinking in the meetings. Because I wasn't really an alcoholic. When I wasn't pregnant. You know, after when I had my first child. So I'm kind of getting mixed up. But anyway. So I don't know if I really believed I was alcoholic. Because I was so drunk. I was so drunk. I was so drunk. So, you know, I quit for my kids. So, okay. So I haven't been really drinking for eight years. And my husband and I are going out. And he says, I think you can have a drink. And I said, I think I can too. So I drank. And then the next night we had, not next night, next week, we had some champagne. And I drank so much I got sick. So we had a disco party at our house when we turned 40. And there was so much booze left. And then, for four years. I was in and out of the rooms. And I just, I just, I felt like, I'm going to do what I want to do. If I had a different husband, we would be drinking normal like the regular people do. And so, anyway. So one night he came home. It was my birthday. August 2nd, 2002. And I was in the bathroom throwing up. And the kids are there. And he just said, I'm done. So we've been married 15 years. And my daughters, they were 9 and 12. And I had been trying for four years to try to do it. And I was like, I'm going to do it on my own. And they knew like, oh, how come we're in this, how come we're in the bedroom? Well, because I'm drinking. And, you know, he banished me to the room. And so they knew. And it was, it was the hardest thing. And I'm thinking, what am I, what am I doing? I'm giving up my family, my marriage, to drink by myself. I mean, it was, I wasn't in the bars. I was like drinking to have fun doing the laundry. And I was, I was driving drunk with the kids. I remember I re-rendered somebody. I drove off. I mean. And I could have killed somebody. I couldn't kill my kids. I mean, nothing happened to me. You know, I was never in jail. Kept my job. I was, worked for 42 years. I had a great time. And, yeah, I don't know. God was watching out for me. And I only prayed to God really when I was in trouble. When my husband left, he had kept, he had, that was kind of his MO. Like every couple of years I'm done. And not just from drinking. But. Because he always said he was better than me. But I, I just, okay, so, actually, when I was sober for the eight years, I guess I was supposed to tell you how I could stay sober, do things. My brother stood in front of a train, my younger brother, and I stayed sober to that. Actually, I started going to church in the middle of there. I didn't say that because I was getting mixed up. But I, that left me with a lot of guilt because I left him. You know, I just knew I had to get off the farm. I didn't want to stay there. My family was just, and so he took his own life. My older brother died in a car accident driving drunk. And this, our family was still not really that close to each other. But the trauma that we had with my father was, it was, it was pretty devastating. And my mom still stayed with him. And that really bothered me. Even though, I don't know. I don't really like that. Yeah. I don't really want to go into that. Anyway, so I went to the meeting and I, when I lost my kids, or I was going to, I didn't lose my kids, my husband was moving out. And I went in sobbing to the AA meeting. And I swear, I felt like for the first time I heard that on page 30 it says, the idea that somehow, someday, he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. And I swear that was the first time I heard it. Because I'd been going in and out of the room, sitting in the back. I don't need a sponsor. And I got a sponsor. And she was mean. She was like a teacher. And, you know, but then she had two other friends that were my sponsor buddies. They're sponsee buddies. And we did the steps together. And we did it pretty good. It was like, you know, I did the fourth step with her. But mostly the fourth step we did with her was like, I had to list all the things I did bad. And she said, I did worse. And that's all. That's what I remember anyway. And I'm not really getting any. Benefit out of it, except frankly, like, OK, I got back my trash. There's nothing inside of me, but not really changing anything. And I don't think that's how the steps are really done, at least the way I did the last time. So I remember hearing people tell this truth. They were being honest about it. Women were saying, I stayed in bed for three days and even men were crying. And I was like, men have feelings. I just, you know, I really didn't think I only went out with married men because who cares? And they had to have money and they're married. That was my it was crazy. Not when I was married, but when I was single. And I just didn't trust anybody because when I was growing up, I could just be nice and smile. And I'm a good pretender. And that was why I was a perfect flight attendant, because, you know, you can step on me, get mad at me. And and just it was a people pleaser. And and I like it. That was perfect. I could. I had a terrible night at home and I could go to work and that's home. And, you know, it was it saved me. But it also kind of stunted my growth. But when I came into AA, I hope I make sense. When I came to AA this last time with my contract, I mean, just to be honest and to be vulnerable and real, it was like, what? I thought this was so unreal that the outside world was all fake. AA is the only thing real. And I was like, everybody needs to trust us. Oh, my gosh, this is the greatest thing. And then my sponsor, she got married and moved. And then one of my sponsors, she relapsed. And I just kind of drifted. And and I would come to meetings like it. Now I have ten years, but nobody really even knew me. I get my medallion and I would go to meetings in other countries, you know, I was working. I went to school, but I didn't talk and I wasn't going. That's for sure. And I started going to church. This is going to be good enough for me. And I was kind of fake in church. Like things are happening in my house now and it's fine. It's fine. I just I was turning into my mother. I was like, oh, they just say, well, just why don't you divorce dad? He's like ruining our house. And she just wouldn't. And I thought, this is me. I'm like my mommy. And I'm not honest. And my kids kind of had fun and say, like, Mom, would you want us to be married to this person? But, you know, this is the thing. Like, if you don't share stuff, your perspective for me can be. Not real. I mean, I'm hearing things at church of people like turning of the cheek. Just, you know, love them. And if I talk to other women like an AA or some other women, they might say, that's not that's disrespected. That's not okay. And I discovered that later, way later. I mean, I'm 65. I should have known this later. But actually, I'm kind of getting ahead a little bit. But so anyway, we moved to Naples. I quit from my job. It was like COVID. We both retired. It was going okay. So we moved to Naples. And I go to this one meeting, a woman's AA meeting. And I hear these women have like 20, 25 years. And I think I had 20 then. And they were like, until I really did the work, my life was like, ugh. And I thought, that's me. Like, I'm not really happy. And I'm just like kind of, you know, not I don't have that connection with God I used to have. It was like I was saying I was praying and I was lying. I wasn't getting on my knees. In the morning, in the evening, all that stuff I knew that I was supposed to do before, I wasn't doing it. So I went through this test again. And I started, it was in 20 years. And I knew that, you know, God was the only thing keeping me sober. I was doing no work at all. And so when I did the work with this last woman, you know, we did the four step and talked about it. And she was like, what was your pattern? You know, and I was like, well, I was, you know, what are you afraid of losing or not getting? So I was like, I avoid people. I'm a liar. I'm relying on myself and not God. I mean, I just, and I thought I had this control over other people. Like, the reason you're not happy is because of me. I was just like, it was looking at the patterns. Like, what was making me feel bad? And it was just all in here. Just not being able to speak up. Just letting people walk all over me. And then I would get that resentment of like, well, either feeling like I'm not good enough or just, I don't even, I'm not explaining. myself very well. But just going through this test and seeing my pattern. And she's like saying, Elaine, you're delusional. You're not judging this right. And it really, it saved me. I could start to speak up. I was honest. And I just like myself so much better. I could, I used to come into the room and be like, you know, it's like the self-centeredness. I'm like, I'm not self-centered because I help people. But I'm like going, okay, they're looking at me. And then they're looking at me and they're saying bad things. It wasn't like they're looking at me. It's like. Oh, gosh, I'm not good enough. And like now, I could be saying that everybody's bored. They're going like, oh my gosh. But I'm not really thinking about that. I'm just doing what I'm supposed to do. And it's okay if you're bored. And I'm just doing what, you know, getting out of my comfort zone. And you got to be uncomfortable to be comfortable. And I know all those phrases, you know, that God is in the pause. Pick up the feather. Put down the bat. Put down the bat, pick up the feather. I try to remember some of those. But. I just, it's been so hard for me because at this point in my life, I have to say, set a boundary. I mean, we're so much smarter. My kids are in their thirties, but they're like, you know, a Taliban, set a boundary. And all those were even the Me Too thing. I mean, everything is so much better now. I mean, the women nowadays, I think it's a lot better. And I don't know what to say. But, you know, I'm more present. Like, I know that I'm conscious like every night. Okay. So now every night I do, I get in the morning before I get out of bed or actually get up on my knees right away. And I say the serenity prayer and the third step prayer. And I am cognizant or conscious of God in everything. I'm trying to do what God wants me to do. And before I could just, you know, it was part of my, not preservation, but my skills. Like I said, I can disassociate. Like, you could say bad things to me. And then I can just go on. And I want to be aware and say, that's not okay. And really, my head was up here all the time. I missed a lot. And that's why I had to really kind of write stuff down. And I did a very good job of keeping on track. But I just think the best thing I can tell people is to really get in and do the work, to not be on the outside. Because I got to tell you, there's people that have like three years that are so much better centered in a program and in God's will than me. And I've just been blessed to have, you know, God's watching over me and just keep me sober. And this last couple of years, I'm not a good speaker, but one-on-one with somebody or in a small group, I can share. And I do have wisdom from, you know, my past. And it was like, I love analogies. And the one was that, you know, if you were a surfer in the ocean, you see all these big waves, you love it. But if you're a swimmer, I'm not a very good swimmer. That scares you. And part of being sober and being able to help people is like, I want to be the surfer. You know, I can help people enjoy what they're going through even, even if it's a trial. And I just feel like, I don't want, I'm not a whiner, but sometimes you just got to share some bad things that happen so people can realize that they can get through it. And the best way to get through it is to share, is to ask for help. I don't like to ask for help. In the past, I didn't like to ask for help because I'm okay, I'm fine. And it really, it did such a disservice to my whole family to let things continue that shouldn't have been continuing. And, but you know, it doesn't matter. It's like, that was the past, you know, there was good and bad, easy, hard, but it's, it's my life. And I'm just so grateful that I'm still here and I have so much to be grateful for. And that's the other part of my daily thing, is to have a gratitude. I have a gratitude list and with all my prayers. That's really all I have. I think I talk too fast, but Tim said I wanted to, I don't have to open it for questions, but I told him that the only, when we used to speak in Florida, somebody would talk for like 20 minutes. And then people would say, oh, so I can really relate to that or ask a question or, so I thought if you guys wanted to, if anybody had anything to share, like that you could relate or maybe some input, maybe you can tell me something. I don't know. Would that be okay? Anybody? Yes. Okay. Anybody want to go for it or should you raise your hand or whatever you think? I can relate to your story. Thank you for your service. And like you, my vision began trying to fit in. And it felt like I fit in when I was strong. And I went from sobering to black and white. Okay. To blackout, real fricking quick every damn time. Sorry for, that's all I got. Thank you, Mary Ann. Thank you. Brittany, I apologize. I don't know if you're acknowledging that, because, to be honest with you, so years ago, I was drowned in a woodpile. And thankfully, two guys, I saw the wave coming. And by that time, my feet had already come off the ground floor. And. Two guys were within arm's reach to pull me out of that wave. And the lifeguard had already gotten off of his coach running down the beach to come get me. But today, I use that analogy of almost drowning. My alcoholism equated that to the wave that took me under. And the guys and people who were on standby to pull me out of that wave. The 12 Steps, my sponsor, people I've been able to connect with in my recovery, or on my recovery journey, pulling me out of that wave and keeping me on the bank. And so. I like that. I love how you used that analogy. And it just brought back to my remembrance how alcoholism almost took me under. Not to this day. So, thank you. I like that. Thank you. You reminded me of another analogy that somebody was telling me. I don't know. It was like, if you're planning a two-week trip to the beach with your family. And you're so excited. And on the very first day, you get a flat tire. And you're in the middle of nowhere. And it takes all day. You've got to get a hotel. That's kind of going into the budget. And so then you finally get to the beach. So, are you going to let that one day and a half ruin your trip to the beach? No, you're going to enjoy it. And they were talking about us when we complain about our early years in life. Are you going to let that affect the rest of your years? And it's not really a great analogy. But that sticks with me, too, that the past is past. We're going to learn from it. And that's what life is, good and bad. And we're here to make the most of what we have, right? So, anyway, I like that. I like your analogy better than mine. Ellen, right? Yes. Okay. Hey, Ellen. Thank you so much, Elaine. I really associate with your relationship with your father, because that's a lot of what happened with me. Sometimes I'm like, you know, I don't feel like that I should tell my story because I didn't have a big childhood outside of him. You know, I mean, my sister and my brother and my mom, you know, were all good. But outside of that, you know, like, I didn't have anything really. I didn't have anything really traumatic happen. But it was traumatic to me. And it was something that pretty much almost took me off. And, you know, you were saying, like, so a friend of mine always says, you know, Ellen, I don't understand, because, like, somebody can say 15 wonderful things about you, and one person say that one bad thing, and you're going to hang on to that bad thing for months. Yeah. And he's right. He's right. And I do. I mean, like I said, 15 people can say, oh, you're so sweet, you're so, you know, you're fun, you're funny, whatever. But that one person says that one thing wrong, and I'm just going to go to raffles. And so that's the way I lived my life forever. And drinking is what made me feel like it was okay, like I didn't have to worry about that, you know. And when I was drinking, I'd be like, I don't know what you want to say. You know. Right. But in reality, I was over there, like, because I knew that it was going to be forgettable. Right. And it's a day in my life. But it also has helped me with character defects, which I don't think I'll ever get rid of. I think there's someone in here at Rusty that always says something like, you just have to tweak them. You never get rid of them. You just have to tweak them or be. Right. So what this room has taught me is to recognize them. And now that I recognize them, and I do have people that love me, care about me, sponsor me, talk to me, you know, help me through that, I'm so grateful for it. Because now people can say to me what I need to hear, and I accept it the way I'm supposed to accept it. Right. Yeah. So I really relate to that. I think I know, too, that the character defects that we're seeing, and I believe this, that it's really, I think God tricks us. You know, and the things that were negative, not always can be positive, but a lot of them. And I know my sponsor will be telling me, like, you're on a piggy park, and snap out of it. And, you know, I need people like that, that are going to tell me, like, your character defect is coming up again. But it's gotten so much better, right, Ellen? I mean, I think it's, like, it's pretty amazing. Just be able to recognize it as a reordering thing. Right. I mean, part of it was, like, just avoid it. Like, I don't want to hear conflicts. So I just would, you know. And it would. I would. And I could be passive aggressive. I'm like, I'm not. I'm just letting it, I'm letting it go. And, yeah. So it's getting so much better. Right? Thanks, Ellen. Thanks, Sharon. Thank you. Go ahead, Ellen. I'm Alex. I'm not going to lie. I like how you kind of formed selfishness because I was so codependent in the way I put others' needs before my own. I thought I couldn't be selfish. And I had to understand that that's how I made myself feel. Right. And what I felt and had to say and what I thought was always more important than what anybody else had to say or think or feel. So it was, I liked that you kind of friended it like that because I had to realize that I am selfish, just not necessarily in the most traditional sense. Right. Right. I think we all are. We're all self-centered, right? Yeah. That's true. Go ahead. Okay. I love what you said, what you're talking about right now. You're here in the chat room. And I wouldn't share. I wouldn't raise my hand. I wouldn't read. I sat in the back. I had a baseball cap on. I had a buddy with me. That's me. You know? And so, like, for example, there's an 11 o'clock meeting on Saturday morning. I think it's 11. And somebody asked me to read. And I ended up handing it to the person next to me. And so, when the guy who was leading the meeting, he looked over and he's like, that's not who I asked to read. I was like, that makes sense. That makes sense. That makes sense. That makes sense. That makes sense. That makes sense. That makes sense. That makes sense. That makes sense. That makes sense. And so, you know, the guy who was leading the meeting, he looked over and he's like, that's not who I asked to read. I was like, that made it even worse. Oh, gosh. Right. But, you know, now I'm able to share. I'm able to talk. I'm able to, you know, do things that, again, are out of my comfort zone. And I'm still working on it. I'm not completely out of my comfort zone. But it's because of AA, you know, and with the changes that I've made, just like you. And I've got the same thing with my father. Well, he's passed, but my biological father. So I get it. It's a great story. Thank you so much. Thank you. Well, see, all this feedback is good for me, too. But even like sharing, some people that can have a couple years that just, they jump right in. I'm always in awe of them. They want to be at the door greeting him like, oh. And actually, one other thing you reminded me of is like, you know one of those parties for people, the losers in AA that don't have the ability to go for Christmas? I mean, I went to one of those when I was the last. I was a loser. And it was so much fun. But I just feel like, I don't want people to think I don't have anything to do. And they can't go to a Super Bowl party. And, you know, I started doing that just recently. And it was like, it was so fun. I don't know why I thought, you know, we're not losers, even if we're just alone. But really, you know, that's why I can't share. Because I should be so much smarter with all these years. And I'm just, you know, that's what happens if you don't share for 20 years. You don't get any better. That's what I think. Um, hi. Hi, Taylor. Hi, Taylor. Hi. Hi. I really related to like, um, you said when you were going to school and you had that really awesome teacher who was just like God is love. And it was, that was so awesome. But I, um, I got, I think I had that other teacher. Like, you know, like God is, um, you know, if you just do right, you're good. Yeah. Yeah. And then, like, um, I had, uh, abusive childhood growing up with my dad who raised me. And, um, so that just kind of backs up the idea of just God is just this mean, you know, um, you know, not good enough. Or there's nothing, you know. So it, I completely, like, love and relate to what you said about, um, you know, those, those unworthy feelings. That rejection. It's like. It's like, you know, we go through these things. Like, great spirit of rejection. I'm just, I'm really thankful to have AA and, like, um, like being in community with people that you understand. Because it's like replacing a spirit of rejection with a spirit of, like, acceptance. Like, God is love. And it's, like, so really awesome to experience that. And I really loved everything you guys say. And, um, you don't think, you know. You know, you did great. But you did a really great job. Yeah. And I hope you guys get it while you're young. You know, for real. I mean, not just showing up and being in the back. I mean, you got to do the work. And, you know, just hope that that sticks with you. All right. Thanks, you guys. From farm girl to surfer girl. Thank you, Elaine. Good job. Thank you, one and all, for joining the Blue Chips tweakers meeting tonight. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.