One Day the Lurking Notion I Wasn’t Really an Alcoholic Was Simply Gone — Christina G.

She continues to be a blushing bride at this point. But anyway, with that, please give her a great welcome. Hey, y'all. I'm Christina. I'm an alcoholic. Hey. I remember the first time I came to this meeting. I don't remember the first time. I used to come to this meeting every week. But it was when I was first getting sober. And one thing, this is one of the many list of things I would never do in AA, which was ever have to tell my story. It's this meeting. It's like, please, God, no. I also thought I would never give out chips, never sponsor anybody, never lead a discussion, never chair a meeting, never be a chairperson or a GSR. All these things seemed like just so far out of reach when I first came into AA. And now, you know, I've done all of them. And it's just, you know, that's how the program works. It's like step by step, day by day. So, you know, I said, I think it's just like if I had thought on day one, oh, I'm going to be three and a half years sober, and that's my goal. I probably never would have made it to three and a half years sober if that was my goal. But I made it to tomorrow and tomorrow. So it's, you know, one day at a time, same thing with this. So anyone who's like, oh, I never want to have to be up there, that's fine. You probably will someday, but that's okay. It's okay not to want to yet. My sobriety date is June 14, 2012. So it's not even really three and a half. It's three and a half years, but, you know, we can round. And basically, you know, I'm from Atlanta. I am an only child of parents who are still married and who are great. They're wonderful parents. I thought they weren't that great when I was growing up because they were sort of different from the other parents. The other parents were like, kind of like the Buckhead parents, if you know what that is. My parents were more like kind of hippies or something. So. Different and I thought my mom had sort of a temper and she didn't like it wasn't that bad, though, you know, in hindsight and like now that now knowing what I know about life, I'm unbelievably lucky. But I did always want to try to fit in. That was my thing was, you know, I didn't feel like everyone else and I was trying to fit in whatever it was that I had to do. I went to a school that had uniforms. So you think that would be really easy. But even then, people like wear their uniforms cooler than other people. Somehow they managed to. So it's always something like that. When it came to drinking, I think I even sort of like there was a point where I think when you're like maybe for me, it was when I was like maybe eight, eight, eight or ten or something in that range where I thought, like, I'll never drink. That's terrible. And then, you know, you get a little bit older and you're like, that's what I want to do. I want to drink. You know, like, that's the cool thing to do. I want to drink and smoke and do drugs. I mean, that was sort of my plan. And it wasn't. It wasn't a surprise when I finally did pick up, you know, alcohol the first time I drank that. I mean, I drank when I was growing up. We actually made homemade Kahlua, which is really good at the time. But I wouldn't, you know, I remember my mom would only let me have a small amount mixed with, you know, half and half. So it wasn't like that strong. But I always wanted more. But I mean, it was sweet, too. So I don't. I don't know if that was, like, the craving setting in for alcoholism just yet. But I do feel like I was an alcoholic from the first time I drank, like, you know, as a teenager. I did actually make white Russians, of course, from some of that homemade Kahlua. And I loved it. And I remember we went to the pool and I could, like, talk to the hot lifeguards finally. And that was it. That's all I needed. I was like, this is great. So, you know, from then on, it was like trying to figure out ways to get alcohol. And that really, it became a lot easier when I was 16 and I did have my own car. So I could kind of keep, you know, alcohol in my car. I didn't have to bring it inside. So I started carrying, like, a cooler around. Because I liked beer. And I would have a cooler at school and, you know, go at lunch and drink with somebody or not. If they were there, I didn't care, really, because I could drink a lot pretty fast. And, you know, like, looking back, I'm like, what was I thinking? You know, just. That just seemed like the right thing to do. Like, to get through school. And I didn't really have any consequences. My biggest consequences growing up at that point were, like, all the things I didn't do. Because I just wanted to party, basically. So, like, I didn't go on. I had some opportunities to go, even to travel to Europe when I was in high school. And I was like, oh, no. I convinced my parents, like, I'm just busy doing, like, I don't know what they thought I was doing. That I was busy. That was a legitimate reason not to go. But it was because I wanted to stay home with my friends and drink. I wasn't sure in Europe, even at my age, I was still under 18. I was like, well, I might not be able to get alcohol, right? I mean, it's just ridiculous. I also didn't. I refused to take, at the time, you had to take, like, the SAT-2s to apply to, like, the higher, you know, echelon schools or whatever. And I went out the night. I wanted to go out that night before. And I was like, I'm just not going to take them. I'm just too busy. You know, I've worked really hard in high school. I don't want to have to work hard in college. And I don't know why my parents bought into it, but they did. So, you know, I got through. I graduated high school. I, you know, I mean, but alcohol was, like, really important to me. Yeah, I tried drugs, like I said. I loved them, especially drugs that helped me drink more. Those were great. And I was, you know, I don't know how anyone can do some of those drugs without having a problem. But. And, you know, so I definitely tried that stuff at a young age, too. But, you know, the alcohol was just, it was really important to me. I remember when I was probably 17, being at a party with one of my best friends. And I had my gin and juice in my hand because that was cool at the time, I guess. And she, and it was, like, all the alcohol I had. You know, I'd mixed it. I'd taken the juice and, like, poured and made a really strong, giant bottle of gin and juice. And so. So she, I had a mosquito on my hand and she hit my hand and I dropped my alcohol on the ground. And I just, like, hit her like this and she passed out. Like, I knocked my best friend out for not being my. And then I didn't stay to see how she was doing. I got in the car and drove to the liquor store to buy more. Because there was this one liquor store I knew of in Atlanta that would, you know, sell to anybody. And it was kind of far away, so I had to go. But, I mean, I think back, I was like, that was terrible. You know, like, I was such a great friend. I was such a great friend, right? So, that was one thing. Another thing, and this kind of came back to me, even though I remembered it, sort of. Like, it came back to me, the horror of how I acted. Where I went to two proms. I had one that, my own, that I invited a friend to go with me. And, lucky friend. And another one where a guy invited me. And I don't know if he liked me or not, but I'm sure he didn't after that. So, both of them, like, the first one, I got alcohol before, but then I couldn't have any more. So, I was like, and they were kind of, like, my high school was kind of protective. So, they wouldn't let you leave. They made a really big deal of you leaving early from prom. And so, I was like, seriously? I'm stuck here, you know, and the alcohol's wearing off. And I was just like, I was at the table crying and never danced the whole time. I was, like, alternating between crying and, like, saying how lame everyone else was. And, I mean, it was terrible. And then, when we left, I think I got, I finally did. We went to a party. I got really drunk. And then, it went into, like, a rage at some point in that night. So, like, people saw me breaking my CD player, you know, at the end of the night. It was, like, so cool. Such a great way to act. And then, the next week, I had my other prom with that other guy. And he was driving. And I just remember saying to him, like, you need to get me some beer now. Like, I need to get some alcohol now. And he was the poor guy. I was just like, oh, oh, you know. It was terrible. I was so mean. Because that was me. The thing that was interesting to me when I thought that was that was, like, what happened, even fairly early on, when I was without alcohol. So, my problem wasn't just having alcohol and I became a jerk. I was a jerk when I didn't have it. And, so, you know, I ended up going to college. And I went to University of Colorado in Boulder, which was, at that year, the highest-ranked party school. And then, the dorm I was in was the highest-ranked party dorm in the country. And that was not an accident, right? And I was lucky. My parents said I could go. I don't know why they did, because we really couldn't afford it. So, I only went for one year. But that year was pretty fun. Although, most, most, there were outside issues. A lot more there than there was alcohol. I was kind of bummed by that. I was like, get me some alcohol. They had all sorts of outside issues. I mean, anything you can think of was available on my dorm. But alcohol was a little hard to come by. So, I was okay when my parents said I had to transfer back to University of Georgia, where there's definitely plenty of alcohol, as some of y'all might know. So, I did end up transferring over there. I remember, actually, I took a year off in between, and I lived with my parents. And I had a boyfriend then, who was 23, and I was 19. And I remember him asking if I was ever going to want to hang out with him without drinking, because he'd always have to buy me beer, right? And I really, I mean, I was not with him for that reason. But, in hindsight, I'm like, again, I was such a jerk. So, you know, basically, college was fine. I made it through college without doing anything that I should have done, probably. Again, like, I was in accounting, and you're supposed to join the accounting fraternity and meet people and get a job and do all that stuff. And by the time I graduated, which I did graduate, which was great, I didn't have a job. I didn't really want to leave Athens. So, I managed to get a job with a family friend. In Athens, in an accounting firm, which is kind of amazing. So, I got that job, and we were doing taxes and doing the books for small businesses. It was actually a pretty good job. But I could never be on time, because I was going, I started, you know, no more school, no more homework. It's like, now it's really on. I can really, you know, drink. And, of course, I was over 21 by then. I can drink all the time. So, I did go out quite a bit. I mean. And, you know, I think when I first started that job, I was sort of responsible. And then, eventually, it just deteriorated really bad. Like, I was, like, hours late. I mean, it was not just, like, a few minutes. But the poor guy, like, is, like, a friend of the family who had hired me. So, I think he didn't want to fire me, but he should have, probably. But then, you know, like I said, they did individual taxes. And on April 15th of my first year there, I showed up. I was, like, two and a half hours late. And that's, like, pretty obviously the most important day of the whole year there. So, that was one of those times where you're just, like, I've got a problem. And it's because I couldn't go to sleep, you know. I couldn't make myself stop drinking. All I wanted to do was drink. So, I did. I quit that job because, you know, I had some reason. It was, like, oh, all the men accountants are respected more. And it's, like, well, maybe because you never show up, you're not respected. I don't know. But, so, I did quit. And I had this grandiose idea of moving to Mississippi where my best friend lived. And, like, working in a casino. And, luckily, I didn't do that. Because, Lord knows what would have happened to me then. But, instead, I stayed in Athens and was homeless, selling all my stuff, living at different. I wasn't homeless. I was living at people's houses that, like, would let me for a brief time. Whatever. Technically, really not homeless. Right? I never slept on the street. And, but I did have to sell my stuff, you know. And it was always, like, okay, am I going to buy alcohol or drugs today? And, like, let me figure out a way to buy both. But, I mean, those were my decisions. And then I got a job as a telemarketer, which was the worst job I ever had. And I drank to get through that job. No, I would have drank anyway, as we know. But, you know, the feelings I had about it were, like, there were a lot of things that I didn't want to do. But, you know, the feelings I had about it were, like, there were a lot of things that I didn't want to do. But, you know, the feelings I had about it were, like, there were a lot of things that I didn't want to do. But, you know, the feelings I had about it were, like, there were a lot of things that I didn't want to do. Every once in a while I'd quit. Like, there was one time I quit in college, actually. And I felt so good, you know, as that, felt kind of like, this is better, you know. And then I thought, too, just like everyone says, oh, well, I'll just start back drinking not as much. Like, I can really do that. And it worked for, like, a week or two when I started back. But it was always, like, I came back to drinking more and more. And it was just, you know, for me, there was never enough. So, I mean, I feel like my progression was not really, really fast, exactly. But it was starting to get faster at the end. So, basically, you know, after the telemarketing job that I got fired from, finally, because I was rude to a customer, of course. And they listened to everything. You know, you can't get away with that when they're listening to all your calls. I ended up moving back in with my parents. And by then I was 24. 27. So, I know you always hear people saying 27. Like, when you're 27, you feel like you're really old. So, all of us who are over 27, just think back. I thought I was, like, super old. Like, oh, I've got to do something with my life now, really, 27. I wish I was 27 now, right? But I moved back in with my parents. And I did manage to land, like, I went to a, you know, I got another job, finally. And I live in, they live in, like, sort of the Buckeye area. And I got a job in Cumming. That's how desperate I was. It was only 30 miles each way. No big deal. And I ended up working there. And thank heavens I was able to kind of, like, get on my feet again with a job. But, you know, and while I lived with my parents, I sort of didn't drink around them because they were really on me. And I just didn't want to deal with it. And I could control myself, I guess, during that time. But on the weekends, I would go back to Athens and, you know, drink like crazy and stuff. And actually, oh, this is one thing I just remembered recently. The month between when I got fired and when my dad showed up at my apartment in Athens to, like, get me, I don't remember that month. I just noticed that, like, recently. I was like, what did I do that month? And I have no idea. So that's just, like, one of those big blackouts. Like, normal drinkers don't have that happen. So maybe they do. They don't admit it. But. So basically, I ended up having a job living with my parents. Met a guy who I'd actually met before. He was from out of town. And we fell back in love. And he moved up to Atlanta to be with me. And he was in AA. And actually, that was one really cool thing. When I met him, he was in AA. And he was really, like, he's really spiritual. He's kind of into Buddhism and stuff. And I thought, wow, he's so cool, you know. And he's not drinking. And he was introduced to me by, you know, his cousin who I knew. And she introduced him. She told him about me. She's like, I think she might be an alcoholic. But he still was willing to meet me and, you know, had an open mind. So he was a really cool guy. But then we kind of, you know, didn't hang out for a while. And then we got back in touch. And he moved up to Atlanta. And, you know, I wanted to get out of my parents' house. So we ended up moving in together really quick. And he was still sober. And I kind of got sober on this, you know, high-on-life love thing, which I know the big book says that makes me only a heavy drinker. But I beg to differ. And heavy drinkers kind of don't have it good either, according to that book. So eventually he said, you know, because he had moved away from his network, right? He left where he was. And he no longer had a network. He's up here, you know, where each other's happy. You know, higher power or whatever. And he said, you know, I think I made too big of a deal out of this alcoholism thing. He's four years sober, right? All of a sudden didn't seem like that big of a deal. And maybe I'm not an alcoholic. I think I'm not an alcoholic. And I was so happy. I was like, yes, we get to drink. You know, I was like, this is really great. So we started drinking together. And he said it was so funny. Because he even, I should tell him, remind him. Remember when you said we should just have like a six-pack on the weekends? Like did we ever just have a six-pack? No. Did we ever only drink on the weekends? No. But that was like the delusional mind that we have. Delusional. That's the word I like to describe the whole how it was. Totally delusional. So we drank together for five years. And I mean every, this is hell. Like I love being with him. I'm married to him now. I'm very happy. But we, the drinking together part, it was hell. Like drinking was horrible. It was like at this point every day I'm thinking I'm going to quit. I'm not going to drink today. And I mean really every day. So delusional. Every morning I would wake up saying I'm not going to drink again. And every single night I would. Every, I mean it's just why? Why would I even try? So finally, and he luckily did, luckily for me in a sense, he was more of a binge drinker. He would drink every day. But then like really go on these benders. And like drink 24-7. Which I usually stopped and went to sleep and then started up again. He would actually continue. Which as anyone knows who's seen that or been that, that's pretty crazy. Feeling and looking and being. So he finally said, you know, I want to go back to AA. And I was like, really? Okay, great. Because he was a mess. So I showed up and he was like, no, that's great. So and I, and I don't remember what I was thinking. You know, I was kind of like thinking about him more I guess. So I showed up in a meeting where they had an AA meeting and an Al-Anon meeting at the same time. And it turned out that meeting was a closed meeting. So when we met people out front, it was actually fit tradition because they're really welcoming when you get there. And there's people, I mean, it's like I'm like walked up and all these people are like, hey, how's it going? You know, I'm like, wow, they're talking to me already. But we managed to say like, you know, she's like, I didn't say I was an alcoholic. They were like, oh, are you one of us? And I'm like, one of us? What does that mean? What does that mean? I wasn't even offended. I felt like just that was weird sounding to me. And so I was like, well, I'm just with him. And so they kind of didn't know I was even remotely an alcoholic and sort of steered me to the Al-Anon meeting. So my beginning meeting was Al-Anon really. And I like watching the Al-Anon meeting. And it was like, I just cried. Right. And I didn't know I was going to stop drinking. But I knew things had to change. I mean, that it wasn't just him. You know, I knew that. I was glad. I was glad he was there. But I knew things really needed to change. So I don't know how many of y'all been to Al-Anon, but they don't just spend the whole time talking about the alcoholics in their lives, actually. So anyway, so I went to a few Al-Anon meetings and that was great. But at the same time, I started going to AA meetings, too, just because I was thinking maybe, you know, some of this seems kind of like I may have a problem. And I also did stop drinking then when my boyfriend at the time boyfriend did, because I wanted to be able to catch him if he was drinking. And if I was drinking, I couldn't really tell if he was drinking. So, plus, I mean, I also wanted to support him. And I was like, that would be wrong for me to drink here while I'm trying to get him not to. I mean, I'm that rational. But it was not pleasant. And let me tell you, two people living together, quitting drinking at the same time, and one of them didn't even have a program at all. Well, I mean, I had Al-Anon, but I wasn't doing anything there yet. I mean, it was kind of ugly. Like, there were some pretty bad fights. You know, just like me and Seth said, nothing physical. But, you know, we were just definitely two alcoholics living together. And finally, actually, one night, and I started going more and more to meetings, and women were always like, oh, yeah, you should get a sponsor. Do you have a sponsor? And I'm like, oh, all these women, they're bugging me about this. It's terrible. I don't know why everyone's going to that. And part of it was that I also felt like because I came in with my boyfriend, I kind of didn't want to break up. I didn't want to just say, oh, I'm an alcoholic now, because he is. So I thought I needed to figure it out first. That was my brilliant plan. Let me figure it all out first, and then maybe I'll get a sponsor, which is really funny because it's, like, impossible to do. Because I've been trying to figure it out for the last, like, 33 years before that, you know, and it didn't work. So finally, one day, we got in a fight, and he did say, well, at least I'm working a program. And I was like, oh, yeah? So I went out to Fifth Tradition to the meeting and pizza, and I was like, whoever said something about being my sponsor is going to be my sponsor. And, you know, I sat with some people I'd never sat with before, and actually, the one girl, the one woman said, oh, Claire will be your sponsor. So that's how I got my sponsor, was Claire. And she's wonderful. And at first, I wasn't sure. I was like, I don't know if I would have chosen her. But it's, like, good. Because my choice is clear. My choices suck. It's better that it just happened. It was like God to me, you know? So she became my sponsor, and things changed right away. I called her. She told me to call her. She gave me a card, and she said, call me tomorrow. And I called her, which I only found out later that's actually really unique that someone actually calls. So she, you know, she gave me suggestions to pray certain prayers, to pray every day on my knees, which I had never done. I always thought that was weird when my little friends did that. But I started doing it, because I was like, I've got to do something, right? And something to read in the big book every day. Go to a meeting. I was already doing that. Join a home group, which I had joined. I joined that. I'm probably forgetting something really obvious. Do service. So, you know, she was telling me this. Plus, we started meeting together, and the way we worked the steps was to read the book together. And I was like, what is this? I was like, what are, why are you reading out loud to me? And by the way, it seems so embarrassing. Like, you walk into Starbucks, like, let me hide this book so no one can see it. I don't know. I'm sure a lot of us have done that. Like, oh. And she's all like, hey, here's my book. You know? And like, because people, because we get used to it. But you don't realize that at first. Like, at first, you're like, this is the worst thing ever. Don't. So we would read together, and then she would just say something like, you know, that's not how normal drinkers drink. And just like, kind of, you know, little things. Just pointing them out to me, just as we went along. And finally, one day, when I was saying my prayers, and I was saying, I would say, like, the first three steps in my prayers, too. You know, like, you know, I admit and accept that I'm powerless over alcohol, and my life has become unmanageable. Because I really felt like part of me didn't really accept it, kind of. One day, I did. That lurking notion was gone. And that, I don't know why it happened, but it was a miracle, right? Because finally, I felt like I don't really have to drink again. I'm not saying I'm not going to drink forever, and it's not one day at a time, but I wasn't thinking, oh, one day, like, at my wedding, or whatever. Like, we always think, you know, a lot of us, early on. So it was just kind of cool when I realized I've really accepted that I'm an alcoholic. I was like, this is great. It actually felt a lot better than the time before, when I was trying to figure it out. Because when I was figuring it out, it was, like, in my head, back in my mind. It was, like, in my head, back and forth, like, oh, only an alcoholic would worry about alcohol this much. But you don't really drink that much, and you didn't get a DUI, and all that stuff. So I think working with a sponsor just helps kind of see things differently. And then also just practice. Like, just repetition. Just do the same thing every day. And eventually, it started to just, like, it didn't, like, give me new information as much as, like, just break down all the BS that I had. I already, like, fed myself here at this point. And it's, like, you know, finally just accepting. And, you know, at that point, it's, like, I felt like I finally had some clarity. Just enough, right? And I could see, you know, by working the steps, of course, I saw some more character defects I didn't know I had. I didn't know how vengeful I was. And I still am. I'm still working on that one. But I really, I knew a lot of my, I knew I was angry and selfish. I don't know, but vengeful. I had no idea that was a new one for me. Like, I always was trying to make sure somebody paid. So definitely working the steps is really meaningful. So then it came to another thing I swore I'd never do, which is sponsoring people. I was, like, I hope I never have to sponsor people. I hear that everyone does it, but I hope I never have to, right? That was, like, right in the beginning. I was, like, hopefully I'll never have to deal with that. But, you know, as we learn. That's sort of the basis of the whole program is one alcoholic working with another. So not doing that is probably not working the program all the way through. But my sponsor didn't give me a choice of whether or not I could start sponsoring. She just, you know, let me know it was time. She wasn't, like, a jerk about it. She just said, oh, yeah, it's time. You can start standing up and raising your hand for sponsorship. And so I did. And I got my first sponsor. I got my first sponsee. And I actually, there was a point at which with my first couple, and it wasn't them. It was just dealing with everything. Maybe them a little bit, but whatever. That I actually considered once, because that was still a little crazy. I mean, we still are not perfect, right? Where I was, like, oh, if I drank, I wouldn't have to sponsor people anymore. I think that's terrible. But it got so much better. So I talked to, I mean, I told my sponsor this. I'm, like, this is how I feel right now. This is not good. And, you know, we got through it. I don't feel like that anymore at all. Just a side note, anyone who's a sponsee of mine in here. I really, really don't feel like that at all anymore. So it actually is quite a gift, being able to sponsor people. Because, you know, luckily, you know, I just end up with different people all the time. There have been a lot of people who we've started the steps, and only so many that we've gotten all the way through. And that's fine. I have some people who've gone to other sponsors. And the first time that happened, I was uncool about it. You know? And everyone always says, if your sponsor's uncool when you leave, then you know you made the right choice. And I'm, like, well, you know, they don't understand. But anyway, so now I think I can handle it better. But I think sponsorship is one of the most definite. It is, I mean, what's different about this program than anything else? Like, there's service. There's meetings. There's prayers. There's all these things everywhere else. But they don't put it together with sponsorship. And just one alcoholic with another. If you don't want to call it sponsorship, it really doesn't bother me at all. But just the fact that when you take people, two alcoholics, together, it makes such a difference. And it really works for the sponsor, too. You know? Like, it helps me. I'm going through the book all the time and just seeing things differently. And I think that's really helped me space over and content. You know? I'm happy today. And happy is sort of a strong word. Okay? I was happy before. I'm telling you, when I used to drink and do drugs, I was freaking happy when I was high and drunk. I was very happy. Right? So to say I'm happy now is kind of almost weak. It's like, well, you know, I'm really content. And another thing I, like, kind of is really obvious, but it took me until recently to realize it, was how, like, before I quit drinking, every day was, like, worse than the day before, pretty much. It was just getting worse. It's progressive. People say that. Right? I mean, I had the obsession, like, crazy. And that obsession was worse every day. My lifestyle, my standard of living was worse all the time. And it was just going to keep getting worse. So now, every day is better than the day before. And it's not a lot better. But it's better. Every, I mean, let's say every week, right? Because, you know, we've got some really bad days in there. But, like, every week or so can be better than the week before. And that is consistent through my entire sobriety. And I think from what I can tell and from knowing people who stayed sober a long time in this program, I feel like if I just keep doing what I'm doing, that that will continue. And I'll continue to make this progress. Because sometimes I'll think, well, you know, I'm still having a bad day or bad things are still happening. But it's like, but it's not. Right? Because tomorrow will be better. And it really, it's really true. So some of the things, like, I was told to read certain pages in the big book when I first got sober. And I didn't follow that really well. But about a year and a half in, I started following that. So now I have pages, like, I read them every single day. The same dang pages every day. And I love it. I think it's just, it's meaningful to me. I pray every day. Pretty much the same prayers. Sometimes I'll add things in. I actually pray, like, prayers that are pre-written ones. Like the third step prayer and the seventh step prayer and the St. Francis one from the 12 and 12. But, you know, I think it's fine if you do free-form prayers. I just really think it's a good idea to do it in a place that's not super comfortable. That's why I think kneeling, you know, like on your knees is good. Because you're not going to, like, drift off into thought and just sit there for 30 minutes. You're going to stay kind of focused. At least that's my experience. The whole praying before I, like, in bed before I fall asleep means I'm going to fall asleep. Basically. That's praying. It's going to be falling asleep. So that's why I think it's, for me, not just humbling yourself before your higher power, but also just focus. This is what you're doing now is praying. And that made a difference. Because I went through a little phase of, like, in the morning being in a hurry. So I was like, I pray when I shower and brush my teeth. But things started to not seem to work out as well. So I went back to the whole, this is my prayer time. And I added my quiet time. My meditation part. Where I have a little timer on my clock, you know, on my phone to, like, tell me when I've been sitting in silence for five minutes. And, you know, I mean, maybe I'll be really meditating at some point where I, like, drift off into who knows what. But right now I'm really just sitting there sort of thinking, trying not to think. But it helps. Trying to just do these things that are suggested. Definitely calling people in my network. I have a home group that I love. Or, like, possibly two homes. Home groups. I don't know. I mean, it's hard to, it's hard when there's only, when your home group only meets one night a week. I just thought I'd note that. To have only one home group. But anyway. So I have groups that I love. And these are groups that I've come to forever. Like, actually, Thursday night, a common solution for women was not one I came to initially. But the Tuesday night beginners meeting I've come to almost every week since I got sober. And I love that meeting, you know. And there's people who, a person named Mike Dunn who used to be very involved with that meeting. And he passed away this year. And it's very, very sad. You know, he was involved with this meeting. It was his home group, too. And, you know, people do pass away if they don't, if they get away from the program. People can get out there and whatever. I mean, I don't mean to get into his business. But he was a great, like, example to me when I first came in. I remember him being here all the time, you know. And I just want to note him because he was a great person. And, you know, things happen. Good things, bad things. But in general, my life has definitely gotten so much better. Like, I can get up for work. And I don't feel like I want to kill myself every day. Which I think is good, right? This is a little thing. I'm married now. My boyfriend who stayed sober and I who stayed sober have gotten married. And I'm very happy about that. We, you know, I'm glad we didn't get married earlier. Like, I keep saying, we should have gotten married earlier. But, you know, everything happens when it's supposed to. You have to accept that, right? And it was like a perfect day. Nothing bad happened. I didn't have to become a bridezilla. It was fine, you know. So I'm really glad. It was like, you know, it was perfect. And if we had tried anything like that earlier, who knows? I mean, who knows what would have happened. So it was like the perfect timing. I mean, I guess the main thing is that I feel like I do have a conscious contact with my higher power. And I did seek that before, in a sense. But I didn't know how. And when I was drinking and stuff, you know, it's like I was building a wall. It was like a wall all around me. I mean, God or my higher power, whatever, was always there. And I was here, but I was like, here's my wall. And, you know, things like that. And, you know, through this program, I've been able to take down that wall. And then really get that contact with my higher power all the time. And I still have my moments where I want to start freaking out about something. Like standing up here. That's definitely something I want to freak out about. But I just have to step back and say, you know, it's God's will. That's what it's about. And I just have to let go. And I can do that. Again, it's practice. I just have to keep telling myself that. And that's what gets me through things. And, you know, I just feel like I haven't really wanted to drink. I've thought about it. But I haven't really wanted to. But one of the main things is that obsession. You know, that I had that from the time I started. And almost before. It was like I was obsessed to do something. Right? From the time I started until the time I quit. About 20 years or so of obsession for this substance. To the point where I would, you know, have to go to different liquor stores to hide how much I was buying. I mean, and it's just not a way to live. And I'm sure anyone in here who's an alcoholic or an addict can relate to the obsession. And I just wanted to note. I didn't realize this, but that like normal drinkers and I guess like normal drug users don't have that. So. You know, it's interesting to me. That's something I thought. I never. I just couldn't understand until I got in here that that really is different. And so, you know, that's. That's. I guess just. I just have to note that. And that by working the steps, I now am free of the obsession. That's what I want. I just want to say I'm free of it. I really am free. I don't want to drink anymore. And I can't believe that. I never would have thought that would be something I would say. So. That's that's really it. I mean, hope. You know, that's my hope. It's like you by working these steps. I've got serenity. And my obsession to drink is totally gone. And that's great. So thanks, y'all. Thank you so much, Christina. What I was going to say earlier was she just proved. So I don't really have to say it. But, you know, when she first came in, I remember I was sitting behind her. We were sitting over there and I was thinking, who is that woman? And that she was so new. And I tried to talk to her and she was a little bit stiff. I don't think she really wants to talk to me. And and then, you know, I've just watched her take this program from her head and move it into her heart. And she just shared that with you guys. And so, you know, if you didn't see that happening, that's what was going on there. She's got a huge heart for this program and is very, very active. So thank you so much for being a part of my life.