Not So Bad Means Nothing — an Alcoholic Who Needs to Be the Best or the Worst but Never the Middle – Nancy M.

Hi, everybody. My name's Nancy Morris, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Nancy. Hi. I'd like to thank the committee for inviting me here to speak. I do believe that it's a privilege to speak in a function of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got on my knees in my room, and I just ask God to be with me for this talk and just to give me the words to say because I don't really know anything, and the funniest part of it is that it seems like the longer I'm sober, the less I know. So, you know, I just, all I know is to share my experience, strength, and hope. I use the same book that I used when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I do all the very same things that I did, and it's all really very simple. So, and I haven't memorized the book or learned to quote it or anything like that, so I'm going to share my experience, strength, and hope. I'm glad to be here. I brought five lovely young women with me, and they will be auctioned off after the meeting. Who's selling the tickets? You are? Back there? Okay. So, these five women here, and we had a great time driving. We finally left Minneapolis about 8.30 this morning, and we got here about 6.30 tonight because we had kind of a hard time coordinating our bladders on the way up. And let's see, what else? Oh, yeah, we listened. We have one amongst us who's rather new, and she was amazed how we could listen to AA tapes and be kind of spiritual and have, like, nice talks. And then when the tape was over, we had great sexual discussions. And she said, you're all so versatile. So, if you want to know any of the details of those discussions, talk to me after the meeting. Okay. Okay, that's all. Don't worry. I'm not going to say anything more, okay? But, you know, these women that are with me, I didn't know any of them before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. Some of them I've known longer than the others. But, you know, I can meet somebody now and feel like I've known them all my life, even if I've only known them a day or two. And, you know, this program is just the greatest gift that's ever been given to me. Before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I did come here because I drank too much. And after I got here, I learned an awful lot. I really wasn't functioning in the world out there at all. I was afraid all the time. And, like, in school, when I was growing up, I would never participate in things because, you know, after I got sober, I found out I didn't want to participate in things because I might not be the best at what I was trying to do. And if I can't be the best, I don't want to do it. And, you know, we have this curse of trying to do everything perfect. And, you know, I've been sober for two years. Twenty-one years. And I'm still growing and learning every single day. And I doubt that I'll ever learn everything there is to learn. Every new experience that I have, you know, I learn from it. And I'm definitely not on the brink of outgrowing this program. I think they can testify to that. They drove in the car with me all day. So, but, you know, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I lived in California at the time. I was 26 years old, which, 21 years ago, was young to be in Alcoholics Anonymous. It was just young anyway, you know, but I'm old now, but I'm still here. So, I was 26 years old. I did not know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous. I did not know anything about this disease. There weren't treatment centers that I knew of. There weren't hospitals or things like that. So, I had no exposure to this disease. But when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I was the mother of three very, very young boys. I had twins who were three years old, and I had another son who was a year old. And that's how old they were when I got sober. And I did start drinking at a very young age. And, you know, I drank as much as I could and as long as I could. And the day came when I couldn't do it anymore, and I really didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to turn because I didn't know anybody that had this disease. And the night that I decided to come to Alcoholics Anonymous wasn't, really, unlike any other night that I had been through. You know, I got drunk that day. We had company come over. I was drinking all day long. When the last man left our house that night, I got in his car and I left with him, just thinking he'd drive me around the block and bring me right back. And he didn't. He took me somewhere else. And I drank with him, and my kids were in the house, and my husband was in the house. And I called him up a few hours later, and I asked him to come pick me up. And he was mad at me, because I just didn't know what to do. And he disappeared. And so, you know, I had been struggling with this for quite some time, up to that night. And my husband came and got me, and he was mad at me. And he said, you wouldn't do these things if you didn't drink so much. And he had never really been able to confront me with my drinking before. I was so careful about hiding it and lying to him. And he could never, never really put his finger on what I was doing. But I had struggled with it as long as I could. And that was my night that I was going to come into Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know. I didn't know it at that moment. But when my husband said that to me, I knew that I had tried to quit drinking for several years before that night. I tried really hard to drink. And I know I tried especially hard after I had these kids. And I wasn't being a good mother. I wasn't taking good care of them. And I really tried not to drink. It seemed like every single day that I had those kids, I got up and I would say, please, God, I don't want to take a drink today. Please help me not to take a drink today. And then I would come up with a reason why I could take one drink. And then I would take another drink. And then I would take another drink. And every day went the same for at least three years based on the age of my kids. Before that, it wasn't quite so intense because I didn't have these kids to think about. But so I had tried very hard to quit drinking. And that night, my husband said that to me. And I knew that it was true that I drank. I couldn't quit drinking. I had certainly tried. I had tried not to. And there was just no way I could not drink. And I shook real bad. I had to drink, although I didn't really know it at the time because I did start drinking from an early age. And it was just pretty much a part of my life. So that night, I felt like I was a very bad mother and a very bad wife and that I couldn't quit drinking. So I should leave this family and they would be better off without me. So I called an old boyfriend on the phone. I was working a few days a week and I didn't have a car of my own. And so I wanted this guy to come pick me up and take me to the next town and give me there. And the next town and leave me there. And I would live there by myself and my family would be better off. So I got on the telephone and I called this guy. And my husband came into the room and he said, I don't care where you go but you can't run away from it. So it must have been my time to come here because when he said those words, it just got me in the pit of the stomach. And I kind of pictured myself living somewhere else. And it didn't matter if my kids are in the same house or the home in which I live. Because it was all self-sufficient. It was all self-sufficient. That many children were not alone. I pictured myself living somewhere else, and it didn't matter if my kids or my husband were there. I would be there, and I didn't like myself at all. I knew I hated myself. I really had a hard time looking in the mirror and trying. I mean, I would just look at my face in the mirror and say horrible things to myself because I hated me and I hated what I was doing. So when my husband said that to me, I hung up the phone, and I called his brother, who's a Catholic priest, and he lived in Pennsylvania, and I was living in California, and I just thought that this priest could pray for me. And so I told him that I had a drinking problem, and he was the first person in my life that I was going to admit this to. And, you know, I don't know when I really realized that I did have a drinking problem because I have five brothers and a sister and a mother and a father who, my five brothers are all alcoholics. My father died of alcoholism, and it was pretty much of my, drinking was part of my life growing up. And I had everybody. Everybody I hung out with drank. And so that, when I called my brother-in-law, this priest, he finally, he said, I want you to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. And he had been to a meeting just so he could see what it was like, so he could help people. And, you know, I guess he didn't know I was going to be the first one. And so my husband, you know, got on the phone and found out where there was a meeting, and I went to get ready to go to this meeting. Now, I was pretty much wearing cut-off Levi's and a white T-shirt. And I used to be inside my house drinking during the daytime, peeking out of my curtains, looking at the neighbors, and making fun of them because these women had skirts on and dresses and makeup, and their hair was fixed. And I thought, they're just cleaning their houses. Why are they so dressed up? Who are they trying to impress? And all my life, I just felt like such a little girl, you know, and here I am, a wife and a mother, and I'm supposed to be taking care of this family. And I felt like I was 10 years old. And I was peeking out of my curtains, watching the other women, you know, and knowing I wasn't like them at all and wondering what was wrong with me. And so, but I, you know, and I didn't ever dress up, and I didn't really know how to dress up and do makeup and hair and that kind of thing. And so, but I did. I went upstairs to change clothes to get ready to go. My husband said he was going to take me to this meeting. And at that moment, I was ready to go. And so I found this lovely orange polyester pantsuit, and I put it in my closet, and my hair was really orange, but it wasn't even like a nice orange. It was kind of yellow and green and crackly. I mean, it was longer, and if you just touched it, it fell out, because I used to be very bored. You know, I really couldn't go too many places, because I had these small kids, and I had to do a lot of my drinking at that time in my life in my own house by myself. And I got really bored. So I would dye my hair just about every other day. I would just put a new color on my hair, and for lack of anything better to do. And then the other thing that I used to do would be to rearrange my furniture. And we had three levels in our house. And so, I mean, I was trying to be very versatile here, and I would make, like, the living room the bedroom one day. So my husband would come home, Honey, excuse me, where is the bedroom today, you know? I would be pushing couches up and down stairs and TVs and things, and I just, you know. I just thought my work was marvelous. And, but I, you know, it was, so I was, you know, stuck in the house by myself and very bored. And when I was younger, I was pretty wild. But, you know, now I had these kids, and here I was stuck in this house. So I got, you know, went up and put this orange pantsuit on, and it matched my hair, and my face was very orange, and I was very bloated and fat. And so I got dressed to go to this meeting, and I thought I looked pretty nice, because I looked a lot nicer than I had in quite a long time. So my husband and I set out to find this meeting. We had been given, he made a phone call and found out where it was. When we got to that place, they said, no, they don't meet here anymore. They meet at this other church, and we went there, and they weren't there. And, you know, it was all, all my life I did, I always felt like people would see me coming and they'd try to get away. And that's what these alcoholics people were doing, you know. They knew I was coming that night. And so we had a very hard time finding them. And so, you know, we were going to now, we were directed to the third place. And so now I'm beginning to think about this thing. Like, well, I said to my husband, why don't you just, I'll go tomorrow. Okay, let's just go home now. We can't find them. And he just started driving faster. And he had me, and he wasn't going to let me get away that night. So we finally found this meeting. And it was, we walked in the back door about 925, and this meeting was over at 930. It was a small room. There were about 30 people in there. And there was a middle aisle and chairs set up on either side. And we walked in and sat down. And I had been drinking all day. And the meeting ended about five minutes after I got there. And, you know, it was the strangest thing. Everybody in that room came right to me the second the meeting was over. I don't know how they knew, but they knew. Every single person came right to me. And I was standing there and I saw, I saw cake and coffee and people and phone numbers. And I started throwing up on the floor. And I wasn't so drunk that I didn't know what I was doing. And, you know, I mean, I'm throwing up in front of perfect strangers now. This is kind of embarrassing. And so I, you know, most meetings they say, well, newcomers, raise your hand. You know, I just threw up. So, like, I made my grand entrance. So I went outside to the parking lot because I felt very embarrassed. And all 30 people. Came outside to the parking lot with me. And I found out later they hadn't had a newcomer out there in a long time. And they all wanted to be a part of this. So there I am just heaving. And these people literally were standing around me. I think they were holding hands and singing and playing ring around the newcomer, you know. And it's like, I remember one man looked up at the sky. And he said, we alcoholics are such lucky people. We're chosen by God. And then I go, ugh. I didn't feel lucky that night. I didn't feel like I was chosen by God at all. I thought my life was over. I didn't know what I was going to do with myself, my time. And I drank. I mean, I just drank all the time. And so, you know, that was the beginning of my sobriety. That was in January of 1971. My sobriety dates May 23, 1971. I stayed sober during that time. Except the last week, I didn't go out and get a sponsor during that time. And I'll tell you why I think I didn't. So many women were very nice to me and gave me their phone numbers and asked me to call them. But I didn't call them. I would sit by my telephone with this phone number in my hand. And I would picture the face of the woman who gave it to me. And I wanted to call that number. But I had no idea what I was going to say to her when I called her. And then she would say, who is this? And I'd say, this is Nancy. I always have these conversations before I actually do things, you know. And she'd say, well, I don't remember you. And then I would say, okay, I'm fat, ugly, and orange, okay. And then she, I would imagine that she would remember then. And then inside her head, she would go, oh, no, it's her. And so that's what I thought, you know, I just like thought I was such a bother to people. And so I couldn't make myself call any of these women. I wanted to. But as I said, too, I had no idea what I was going to say. And that's why nowadays when I meet a new woman, I mean, I try to get her phone number also. I give her my phone number. And at the moment, I know she says, I'll call you. But I know that feeling of being so scared and what am I going to say? And she probably doesn't want to talk to me. So I always get their number. And I call newcomers a couple times in the beginning to try to help them to feel comfortable. And, you know, I still have all this. I still have all the same feelings inside that I had when I got here. I've just gotten an awful lot of tools and, you know, ways to deal with these feelings of inadequacy and the fear that I had all of my life and fear of making a mistake and looking bad. You know, the last time I talked before this time, I had this skirt on that was kind of full. And right before I had to get up and talk, I went to the bathroom and the whole skirt went in the toilet. And so, and you know what the good thing was? I just went, oh, no, my skirt went in the toilet. And, you know, it was like, oh, well. And that's not, you know, how I always was. And so I, you know, so I didn't get a sponsor during that time. I loved going to meetings and I loved Alcoholics Anonymous. But I just didn't know, you know, what to say to people. So after about four months, you know, I had continued to, you know, to be a doormat. I was a doormat all my life, you know. I'm like that Hester Pryne with the Scarlet Woman, you know. I had a D on my forehead, doormat. And, you know, even in Alcoholics Anonymous, people can spot that and they'll take advantage of you if you let them. See, I always thought people were just taking advantage of me all my life. I didn't know I had any choice because I didn't. But one of the things that happened during that time is a woman asked me to watch her daughter for the day or the evening or something. And I said, sure, I'll watch your daughter. Well, she didn't come back and get her for about three days. And so I was kind of mad at her, you know. But when she did come back, right to her face, I said, oh, it's no problem, I don't mind. You can leave her here any time. You know, she can live with me if you want. It's okay. But, you know, inside I hated this woman for what she was doing to me. When I was younger, I used to walk down the street with a can opener in my hand and scratch the paint off of cars because to get back at you for the things you made me do that I didn't want to do. I could never speak up. I could never tell you what was on my mind. I had no opinions. I was just nothing when I got here. So I, you know, I decided that I should take some tranquilizers after four months. I went to my mother's house and stole some of hers and took them. And I thought, you know, this program talks about alcohol, not pills, so I can take these pills. And then, like, five minutes later, I said, well, I took those pills anyway, so I'll just drink this wine that I have in my refrigerator that I cook with, you know, a quart. When you need a teaspoon. But I don't keep anything in my house. There's no alcohol in my house at all. And so I drank this half-gallon of Spiñata. And I thought that, hey, you know, it does the job. And it all comes up the same. I was like really, I just really got sick all the time. And so, you know, I thought that I could drink and it would relieve the pressure that had built up during this four months and then I could go back. I did go back to meetings like the next night. I went out and drove around and drank that wine. And I was on the freeway. And I wanted to get arrested because when I came here, you know, I thought, well, I'm not so bad. I thought I was really bad when I got here. Then I heard some of your stories and I said, I'm not so bad. So I'm nothing. I'm always nothing. You know, I want to be the best one here or the worst one here. Now I'm just right in the middle. So I thought, well, it would be pretty exciting if I get arrested and I could go back and tell them. And so I was driving down the freeway in California with this great big green bottle and I was drinking it. And when I finished it, I just threw it out the window and just kept driving like, isn't anybody going to arrest me? And nobody saw me. Nobody cared. I just kept driving. I went home. And I woke up about 3 o'clock in the morning and I was face down on my blue shag carpeting in my own vomit one more time. And, you know, I didn't really, I was very scared then because I was happy to find Alcoholics Anonymous four months prior to that. And I didn't think I would drink again. It kind of scares me now when a newcomer says, I'm so glad I found you, I will never drink again. I said, please don't say that. You know, I know I could drink again. There's no doubt in my mind. As I said, when I came up here, I still do all the same things that I always did. And it's been a while since I've had a drink. But, you know, not too long ago I was in Iowa and I was doing some comedy and I was driving this other guy around and he said, could we stop and, you know, get our rooms and I'm going to have a drink. And he went up to the bar and he said, I'd like to have a scotch. And some, I don't even like scotch, but this loud voice in my head said, I'd like to have one too. And I'm like, hey, who said that? And, you know, I had this really funny feeling inside like, you know what? All I have to do is walk up there and order a drink and I could have one right in front of me, and I could have one right now. And it was a very strange feeling, you know. But I do know that I could drink again. I see people drink a lot after years of sobriety. I've had very good friends go out and drink again. And it seems like everything's okay, but, you know, something happens and they're out there drunk and it's very hard for them to come back. And so I forgot where I was now. I'm going to start over. Hi, everybody. My name's Nancy. It doesn't matter if I forgot. Because, you know, there's no, like, doesn't matter. So, okay, I'm going to oxen these women off after the meeting for those of you that were late. But I, you know, so I got up that, you know, I pried myself off the carpeting. My husband had been to a few Al-Anon meetings. He was sitting there looking at me and he wasn't going to help me this time. You know, and so I did. I made it back to a meeting that night. And the group that I went to in California is a pretty tough group. And I said I drank. And people just kind of walked by me. And they just weren't, like, real nice, you know. It's like you want to be here, be here. And so, you know, I've had my sobriety since that time. And it was a very action-oriented group. And we have a lot of activities, you know, moving people and weddings and baby showers and divorces, a lot of them mine. But, and then, and, you know, and I, a woman came up to me right away. And she said, let me be your interim sponsor. And, see, I was so grateful to that woman for doing that to me because I was just so afraid of asking anybody. And that woman was my sponsor for a year. And she had me do my fourth step. And I wrote, you know, I did all the writing. It was so hard to write it. And I would work on it. And I would hide it. And I'd put, like, a trap to see if anybody was trying to read my fourth step, you know, all my secrets that I had. And the day that I was supposed to do my fifth step with her, I called her up and I said, I'm going to resign from Alcoholics Anonymous. I did not think that I could read that to this woman, even though I think by that time I had attended enough meetings. I went to a lot of speaker meetings. And I went to a woman's meeting. And I had been to enough meetings where I had heard an awful lot by that time. And a lot of my secrets, you know, people verbalized from the podium. But this was my stuff. This was my secrets. And I really did not want to read it to her. And I was supposed to lead a meeting, like, the next night. And I really thought that it was a privilege, even though getting up here scared me more than anything, getting up to the podium. But, you know, it's like I used to hide at this one participation meeting I went to. This one participation meeting I went to. And there were pillars in the room. Now, every week I would go in as late as I could, and I would hide behind a pillar. And when the leader was looking for people to call on, I would take something out of my purse. But then, as soon as, like, the participation was ending, I'd go, Nobody ever calls on me, you know. It's, like, weird, isn't it? But I wanted to lead this meeting. I thought it was a privilege. But I did not want to do my fifth step with her. And I ended up calling another woman that day. And I was really very upset at the thought of doing this. I really didn't think that I was going to be able to do it. And I talked to another woman who was sober. And, you know, and she just talked to me. And she talked to me for a while. And I decided that I better do this. And I called my sponsor. And I also had some strange feeling that nobody else had ever really done this. And I was going to be the first. But I, so I drove around with my sponsor in the car. And I read my fifth step to her. And, you know, looking back on it, I can say that I believe that it did open this door. Just, you know, it just opened the door a little bit to the place where I am today of getting rid of those fears and the insecurities and the self-worth and that kind of thing. And it made me feel more a part of this program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, it was a great step for me to take. And so my sobriety continued from there. I was always encouraged to work with other women. And I remember I had at least a couple years of sobriety. And my sponsor said, go, there's a new woman who just walked in the door. And I said, well, she doesn't want to talk to me. She's pretty and she has on nice clothes. And, you know, I just still felt like that. And I really judged people. I judged people a lot from their outsides. And I felt very intimidated by everybody at SEED because I just thought everybody was better than I was, you know. And people didn't want me to come talk to them. And my sponsor just pushed me across the room. And, you know, I started working with other women. And I really believe now this has been the strongest part of my program. I believe that that's what God wants me to do because it just happens. And I sponsor a lot of women. I moved to Minnesota five years ago. And so when I left California, most of those women got sponsors in the group in California. And I moved to Minnesota and I was sober like 15 or 16 years by that time. And I had this little thought, you know, well, I'm moving to this new place and I don't really know anybody. And maybe I don't have to be quite as involved as I always was. And you know what, in two weeks I had that old feeling back that I had when I was brand new. It's like, what is the purpose of life? What is the meaning of life? What is it all about? And I got back into my sad, depressed state. I was going to meetings right away, but, you know, I just didn't jump right in there. I just thought, well, I'm going to pursue a career, you know. And I had this feeling inside and this realization that it didn't matter what I pursued or how successful I became at anything. It meant nothing to me without what I have in this program. I learn everything that I know from the women that I work with. There's no doubt in my mind. And, you know, there's just no doubt. And that's, it's, for me, this is the strongest part of my program. And I just really love these women. Now, I'm not talking about, and I love these women, but I'm not talking about any of these. But there are some women I sponsored that I could be their mother. Now, none of you, because you're all too old, okay. But, you know what, I was driving around the other day thinking, I have like a whole bunch of really young ones. And these young women. And my sons are, my twins are 25 years old now. My other son's 22. He'll be 23 soon. But, you know, these women are that age. And I was just driving along thinking, like, I have all these daughters, you know. It is the neatest thing. And I have, I really just love these people, these women that I work with so much. And I've cried with a lot of them and, you know, over just a lot of different things. You know, we were talking today. One of my sons had a, gave birth to her daughter. She was six months, one week, so I want to go sober, pregnant. And she gave birth. And, you know, and the baby was fine. But I walked in the room to give her, try to give her some strength because it didn't look too good at that time. And I just burst out crying. And that was okay. And she cried and maybe she needed to cry. And, you know, when some of the women I sponsor have their hearts broken. And, you know, I've been through all that, you know. I have, you know, I was married when I came in. I got divorced when I was about three years sober. I stayed single for about six years. I raised my kids and worked really hard and got married again at about or something like that. Now here's how far I had come in all that time. I didn't really want to get married. But he bought the ring and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, okay. He's a nice guy. He's a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. But we seemed to bring out the worst in each other. But we, I know, we got married. And, you know, I have to learn. If I can learn something from every situation that I go through, then I feel that it's worth it. And it's all meant to be. And, you know, there isn't anything I look back on that I regret from before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous or during my sobriety. There isn't anything that I would change because God is definitely in charge of my life now. There's no doubt about that. And that wasn't easy getting to that point. You know, I used to get on my knees and try to pray when I was just going through these traumatic times in my sobriety. And I would be kneeling at the side of my bed and I would get up and I would think, who am I praying to? I'm praying to this bedspread, you know. I had no feeling about God or no concept about God. And so it just took practice and practice and practice and faking it and just trying to do this, you know, over and over and over again to where now, life is really very easy for me now. You know, I get up every day and I do get on my knees and I just turn my life and my will over to God and just say, you know, show me who I can help today and I'll just go on about my business. And I don't really have to figure things out anymore, you know. I just go on about my business and things just seem to fall into place. One of the most recent things... Now, first of all, you know, I'm just going to back up a little bit. You know, I think I did describe pretty much how I was, you know, with the feelings of no self-worth and just thinking that I'm never going to amount to anything, you know. And when you feel like that, you kind of feel like, well, you know, if I could write a book and become famous, then people would notice me, you know. And so I always thought it was going to have to be some big deal thing like that. And I've gotten all those feelings of self-worth. And having a purpose in life and being useful and just feeling like a whole person. I've gotten all those feelings here in this program and nothing else does it for me. Although, you know, I pursue other things. We live our lives here, you know. Alcoholics Anonymous is a huge part of my life, but I do other things too. And, you know, when I had never really done too much of anything in high school, I barely got by. I, you know, actually didn't get to graduate with the class because of things I did in school. And I never studied. People did my tests for me and things like that. And I never learned anything. And I had like a little vacation from high school for a while because I had to go away and have a baby. And that only happened because this guy asked me. And I couldn't say no. It was the first time I had sex in my life. I get pregnant, right? And I was going to Catholic school and that wasn't very good in whenever it was 1960-something. They didn't make maternity uniforms in those days. So it's like they said, I'm sorry, you're going to have to leave. And, you know, but all my life I just did what people wanted me to do because I wanted people to like me. It was so important that people liked me. And I never knew where I was going. I never had any interest in anything. And I never pursued any career. I was just told I would grow up and get married and have kids. And that's what I did. And I had become a dental assistant at some point. I just didn't know what else to do. I started working for a dentist. And so after I got my first divorce, that was the only thing that I knew that I could do, was go work in a dental office. And the pay was just, you know, I didn't even make enough money to take care of things. I hid from the landlord one month and I hid from the kids' school where I had to pay one month. And it was just always juggling. And I had, like, I would punch holes in my checks in the magnetic strip. It used to work, you know. It would delay the processing of the check. And I used to, like, write a bad check one day in one place. And so then I'd go to the market and write a check for cash and take the cash and go put it in the bank to cover the first bad check. And then I'd go to another market. And, you know, it never worked out. I was bouncing checks all the time. And I thought, I really thought, this is the way I'm going to live my life because I can't do anything else. And, you know, now, I mean, just by, for me, staying in this program, I tried to go to school several times and I could never seem to fit school, Alcoholics Anonymous, and taking care of my kids into my life. I just didn't have time to do these things. And so I just thought, I'm just going to be a dental assistant the rest of my life and be poor. And believe me, that's, you know, it is not the way it's turned out. I have this feeling inside now that I can do anything that I want. Life has become so exciting, you know. And I used to sit in my closet when I was newly sober. I was so afraid. And I'd sit in there and cry and rock back and forth and just think, what is this all about? And I can't do it. One more day. It's too hard. And, you know, life today is so exciting. And for me, it's all become because of doing things like this. You know, I hated getting up to the podium. It scared me so much. One time, the very first time, somebody got smelling salts out because I just, somebody said, I never saw anybody shake as much as you were shaking up there. But in my group, they said, go up there. You have to do it. You have to do it. And working with other people and, you know, just being in situations like, you know, learning to be responsible and talk to people that I didn't want to talk to or I felt uncomfortable. You know, I just had to do these things and continue to do these things. And by doing them, my life has become very exciting and I feel like I can just do anything that I want to do, you know. And so, a few years ago, my husband said, now, this is a new husband. This is the third one. It's good, okay? I think it's going to be okay. And we've been married for seven years. And he's in Alcoholics Anonymous. He's sober. And I met him in California. And I always tell the women, like, if you hang outside the men's room long enough, you'll meet a guy, you know. And that's why I just, like, wait out there. Hi. But he's, we have a great life together. And I, this is really, this relationship, this marriage is the first healthy relationship I've ever had in my life. It takes practice. Keep at it, okay? You know, I learned. From each one, I tried to learn, what was my part in this? What did, you know, the first thing is blame. He did this, so I did this. And then I had to look, what is my part in this? How can I learn from this? How can I change? How can I grow? And so, this is a very healthy relationship. I don't have to look in his wallet ever. I don't need to. I don't care what's in his wallet. I don't ever have to spy on him or check up on him. I spend half my life spying on people. And so, you know, it's just a very healthy relationship and trust and respect and room and space and independence. And, you know, he does his program, I do mine. And, well, I help him with this a little bit, not too much. But, and, you know, it's, we just have, I'm just, I'm very happy with this relationship. And so, a few, about like five years ago or so, my husband said to me, if you could do anything in this world, what would you do? And I was in sales by this time. I'd gotten in sales because people in AA suggested that I get into sales. I believe that God talks to me through people. So if I talk about things and ask for suggestions and eight people say you should get in sales, then maybe I should. So I did. And so I was in sales and I was doing much better than my dental assisting job. And then my husband said to me, what would you do if you could do anything? And I said, I would do comedy. And I don't know, I didn't even think about what I said. And I just said that. And he looked at me and he said, then do it. And then I was stuck because I couldn't, you know, had to. So I did. I found this class in California, this comedy writing class. And I went and took this thing. And then we had to go on stage for five minutes at the end of eight weeks. Again, I mean, I don't think I was ever that scared. I was like pinned against the wall. I heard him say my name. I went up there, rattled off my jokes. Nobody, I mean, I kept going in case nobody laughed. I just said them. But you know what? I kept doing that. I mean, I had a lot of fun doing it. I did it for several years. I moved to Minnesota. I continued to do it. I, like, worked all, I've worked all over the place, like bowling alleys in Williston, North Dakota. And just, you name it, I've been there. And, but, you know, it's really been fun. And it's been exciting because it's something that scares me so much. And I did it. And, you know, again, it's like, well, I got into this thing. Well, I have to be successful. And then I thought, well, what is successful? When are you ever going to be satisfied? And I realized I'm never going to be satisfied with anything. Well, just be satisfied with what's in front of me and what I'm doing. And if, you know, if I did a bowling alley in Williston, North Dakota or South Dakota, that's in North Dakota, I think. It all looks alike out there, you know. But, you know, if I did that, that's more than I did before I started. So that's successful. And, you know, and I've done other things besides that. And last year a guy called me and said, would you do a little piece on TV for this sports show? We just want a woman to do something kind of funny. And I said, okay, because I've been trained to say, okay, just do it. And I hung up and I'm like, oh, my God, I can't do this. What does he want? I'm going to write it. What if he doesn't like it? Oh, my God, he's going to be so sorry he ever asked me to do this. I better just call him now and just tell him to forget it. But I did it, you know, and I just acted like I knew how to do it. And it worked out okay. And I did it several times. And the end of last year, a girl I sponsor, she was talking to me about, she said, I sent her my resume and I'm going to be, I'm going to apply for a job to be a flight attendant. And I said, well, that's a great idea. That would be a great job, you know, you go travel, do this and that. Well, then this loud voice came in my head and said, Nancy, you should be a flight attendant too. And I said, Laurie, do you think that I could send in a resume? And she goes, sure. And I said, do you think I'm too old? And she said, no, I don't think so. And so I sent in a resume. And I got hired in a couple, you know, they did the, they started the process right away and I got hired. This is just like mind-boggling to me. Every time I go to work now, it's like, what am I doing in this uniform? You know, this is so weird. And it's especially weird to me just because I never felt like I thought all these women look. They look nice. So I still kind of, there's, you know, that thing inside of me still, it says, what are you doing here? You don't quite fit in here. But they hired me, so heck with them, I'll go anyway. And, you know, even in that interviewing process, it was, I couldn't have done that if I hadn't done this stuff here in Alcoholics Anonymous. There's no way I could go sit in a room and answer these questions and just turn it over before I go and not worry or plan or anything. Just answer their questions and turn it over. I really am to the point now where if I didn't get it, it would have been okay. I used to try to fake God out and tell him I'd be okay if I didn't get something, but it wasn't true. I was trying to, you know, tease him a little bit. But, you know, it really is okay. I do believe that God's will is, you know, knows better for me than my will does. And I think, you know, after practice of years and years and years, I can pretty much differentiate now, you know, where my will is trying to jump in there. But I do, you know, I just have this really fun, full life. And I know when I got sober, you know, I was saying, what am I going to do with myself? What am I going to do with my time? And I just don't have enough time anymore. But you know what's great about that? I don't ever think about myself. Well, not, I mean, very little. It's like, and when I do start thinking about myself, I'll go get busy because I'm the last person I want to think about. I'll tell you that. And, you know, so I really, you know, I feel like, like that man said the night that I got sober. And he said, we're so lucky we're chosen by God. And I was throwing up. And now I do absolutely feel that we're so lucky. And that we are. We are chosen by God. I believe this is a gift that was given to me. My life is so fulfilled and so full and so rewarding today. I believe that this is a gift and that I was chosen and that we were all chosen. And so, you know, I like to welcome any newcomers that are here tonight. And you're very important to us. And I'm glad that I'm here with all of you this weekend. And now that I'm done, I'm going to really have a great time. So thanks for being here.