Nobody Asked What You Want to Do — We Asked What You’re Going to Do – Jim W.

And now is the time we have all been waiting for. It is my pleasure to introduce our speaker for tonight, Jim W. from Fort Worth, Texas. We have not all been waiting for this. I'd like to thank Marilyn and the committee for inviting me, even though I know they don't know what they're doing. And I'd like to thank Everett for picking me up at the airport. And he's going to get up at daylight and take me back, and that's really doing something, you know. You know what? Yeah, you're lucky. Every time we get a good deal, we just can't stand it, see, Helen? God keeps trying to take care of us, and we keep trying to screw it up. I am Jim Williams, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm not supposed to be an alcoholic. I'm, hey, look at me. And if you'd have seen me when I was born, you'd know I didn't look like an alcoholic. I'm supposed to be a Southern, Southern Baptist. Now, I understand outside of Southern California, I don't know what that is. They have, I'll tell you a little bit about theology, and then we'll go on. We have five commandments. Don't drink whiskey, commit adultery, dance, play cards, or smoke cigarettes. And outside of that, we never had to worry about the rest of them. And we didn't mess with the Catholics because they drank. And Presbyterians just knew it was going to happen, and we weren't sure. Episcopalians were just tired of being Catholic. And, of course, Methodists just didn't like to get real wet. And y'all have got too many out here, so I can't get into all y'all. I was raised in this little church in this little town in Texas. We've got 254 counties, and about 225 of them are dry. That means they vote it dry so they don't sell any booze in that county. So we didn't have any in that county I was raised in. We just talked about those counties as this. And finally, I kept going. I didn't have a guy up here just like me. And he'd point his finger out there and say, If you think it, you might as well have done it. Hell, I knew I was thinking it, and I didn't even know what it was, but I knew it was. And they'd sing that last stanza for that one right back there. Hell, he'd point at you. You know, it wasn't like, hey, hey. Hey, he'd say, well, it's all Phil in the ditch last night. He lives. We'll get him. This one sees that sparkle in your eye. They know what you're getting ready to do. And they just hone in on you. Well, I've got to be about 13, which will happen to you if you do what I do. And I got around this girl and got those funny feelings. And then I told them about it. They said, we've been meaning to talk to you. See, I knew they had. You know, we've been praying for you. Hell, I knew it. I knew whatever it was I had, I knew that I had what they were talking about. Well, they told me they talked me into joining up with them. And I waited until that last stanza for that one right back there. Then I came down the aisle. It sounded like, hey, except don't give out any chips. You get down there and they hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are. Of course, you know, I'm not, but I like it. And so they put you in a tank and a hatchet of leeks. You choke a little, but you come out okay. Next day, went through, saw that girl, came right back. I said, well, we're going to have to do it again. Didn't take. They said, no, you just don't do it. Well, they didn't know. I didn't know how to don't do anything. I didn't know. I didn't know how to don't do anything. I didn't know they could say just don't do that anymore. Well, they didn't do it anymore. I said, how do you don't do it? Don't think about it. I said, I wonder why I didn't think about that. Then I thought, well, it's only 2.30 in the afternoon. I'll just go ahead and think about the rest of the day. Then tomorrow when I get up, I'll never think about it again as long as it is. Got up the next day and thought about it more than I ever thought about it for in my life. I'm the kind of guy, when I start not to do something, I'm going to do it more than I ever did for. I don't know where I learned that. It hasn't been anywhere but church and school. I don't know how I learned how to do this. Well, finally, got out of high school. I had a hard time getting out of high school. I was busy. And evidently, things I tied up with were not the right things. I had to go to summer school to get out of high school. Thirty miles away was a town that was wild and wicked. So I told this guy one Saturday, I said, let's go. So we slipped off over there, opened the door of that honky-tonk. There was that deacon with a one-man train. There was that deacon with a one-man train. There was a warm girl in one hand, a cold beer in the other. I said, my God, let's get out of here. He'll tell Jesus on us. And we didn't even get to do it. You know, if you get caught before you do it, you ought to give it up. We drank two beers. Didn't do a thing. Didn't smell good. Didn't taste good. Didn't make feel good. And I was glad to get out of there. He didn't speak to me. However, he was happier than I'd ever seen him. And I liked the girl he was with Saturday night a lot better than what he read her notes on Saturday morning. On Sunday morning. I knew he was always sad looking on Sunday morning. Now I know, hell, he's just tired. I got up that next morning. I said, well, maybe I have notices. Maybe he doesn't go to church anymore. Maybe he gets old enough he don't have to go. God, I went down there and there he was. Sad like he always was. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit. Just don't tell anybody. So I told my buddy, I said, next Saturday we're going to go back. Don't tell us so. Big town had two joints. We went to the other joint. And I learned how to do everything but commit adultery. I guess I would have done that except I didn't know how. And you know how we are. We get tied up. Think about it all day long and get busy. And then if we do, we don't know whether we did or not. And you can't find out. You can't call back and say, we do anything last night? Hell, you might have and everything's fine. I just started drinking one beer right after the other. Well, I got to feeling so good I couldn't feel at all. Learned how to dance, fell down on the dashboard, broke my nose. Did it five times after I learned how to do it. Just blacked right on out of there. Waked up the next morning, threw up just like I was supposed to. This guy called and said, how do you feel? I said, my God, I feel horrible. He said, oh, but you had a great time. I said, oh, well. Then I knew how to have a good time. Just go out and get drunk, black out, wake up the next morning, throw up. Then you know you had a good time. I never did know you drank it any other way. Never had any idea that you drank when you drank any other way but to just drink. I wanted to get away from whatever it was that I wanted to get away from. I don't know what it was, but I sure liked to get away from it. I liked to get free. Doesn't sound too bad right now, does it? I liked to, whatever that was, I liked to just turn it loose. My greatest watch was to get off on Saturdays and run and get a cheese cracker and a six-pack and boom, go! And I just loved to do that. I don't know what that was, but there was something I always wanted to just turn loose. Well, at first I didn't do it a lot. I just did it a lot when I did it because I didn't have enough money and I was afraid to get caught. And then finally, I was having trouble fitting in everywhere and people didn't care about me enough. And I'd get a friend and I'd just hold on to him and then he'd get tired of me. And I'd just quit them all. And I just never was enough. I just never could get enough. And they didn't love me enough. They didn't care for me enough. I just couldn't fit in anywhere. And finally, they decided to have a war. I don't know who decided that. And they had a sign out there that said, Uncle Sam needs you. Well, I need to be needed. It said, this means you. So, hell, I went. And there's a funny bunch. They got up in the middle of the night. They got up on his guard. Nothing's going on. They just got up. And they were scared. They always walked in groups. And for some reason, our bunch decided we need to go to China. So we went. And I was in the Air Force, so we went by boat. The good thing we had that bomb, I'll guarantee you, we wouldn't have went with what we were doing. I guess the Marines used the airplanes. I don't know. And I got over there and it was an interesting place. They got a lot of Chinese over there. Awful lot of Chinese. In fact, they've got more Chinese than they've got anything else. You didn't even be driving out from one town to the other and you'd stop out there for a minute and there'd be nothing there but mountains and trees and all of a sudden you'd look around and there they are. They're all behind those trees. It's just Chinese. It's just Chinese over there. It's all of what? Well, I stopped there about three weeks. I told them I'd seen everything. And I was ready to come back. And, of course, they stayed two years. Then we came back by boat. And then everybody's going to school. God, I can't go to school. I couldn't. I couldn't get out of school and I wouldn't school. My folks would always say things like, Jimmy would never want to do that. Yeah, I did too. I'd already done it twice. Getting ready to do it again. They'd say, Jimmy wants to do that. No, I didn't either. No, I didn't want to do that. Yeah, they just tell people. They knew what I wanted to do, what I didn't want to do. And everything they told me I wanted to do, I didn't want to do it. Everything they knew I didn't want to do, that's exactly what I was going to do. They used to say, Seth, pity to ruin you. Got it. Get them ruined. I was ruined before I ever got started. Well, I went to school because they said, you've got to have that piece of paper. You'll never be able to get a job anywhere. Everybody coming out of the service is going to school. I thought that was odd, but they were going. So I got in the only place I could, which was Houston University. I got in there and I proved my folks wrong. I got that piece of paper. But I didn't learn one single thing. You know what I like? You know what I like about you and I? We'll go to any length, even if it's to destroy ourselves, just to be right. There's one statement you and I shall never use. You know, I may be wrong about that. Only time we'll ever use that is when we know darn well we're right. Now, then when I got out of school, I didn't mind working part-time, but after I got out of school, they wanted me to work full-time. And on Mondays, I wasn't well Mondays. I had the flu. A lot on Mondays. And where I worked, they never did run it right. They just never did do it right. Even if they owed it. And, of course, you and I cannot stand to see something going on that's wrong. And I'd always insist on doing it right. Some of them are still operating today, doing it wrong. It took me a long time to notice I was always the one that was leaving. I was having some minor difficulties with winning. If you put ten pretty girls up there, I'll get the sick one, every time. I didn't learn how to do that either. You know that you've got to have a pretty girl, you've got to have a girl that you can take home with, and certainly you've got to be in love. The only thing that's awkward being in love like I was, is when you don't have a girl. It would take me about two months to find her. Then when I'd find her, in about two more months we'd be so in love, I'd almost have to quit work. Then it just deteriorates from there on out. I just loved AA when I got here. Not because I came here for anything, it's because it's the first time I'd ever been where they had the sick women group. And I liked both kinds. I liked the ones that got sick watching them do it, and the ones that got sick doing it. I loved it when we'd go to ice cream, and I'd always make sure that that new one, that I had compassion for, would be sitting by me. And she'd say, you know, I just don't feel comfortable talking to a woman. But I feel comfortable talking to you. And I'd say, I'll help you, baby. Y'all don't have any trouble like that out here, I understand. We've got a little of that problem, Fort Worth. But my sponsor wouldn't let me do it, of course. Finally got out of a job, couldn't get one. Could not get a job. The way I'd look for jobs, I'd get up every morning and throw up and spray. I'd go fill out one of those forms that ask you, very personally, all questions. Like, where have you worked for the last ten years? None of their business. Then you've got to figure out, I wonder what they'd want me to say. And that's a hard thing when you don't know them well, to figure out, fill out those things. Then you apply for the job and don't get it, and go out and get drunk. And I just did that one day at a time. Finally I saved this one place where I knew they needed somebody, I knew a guy there, and I knew I'd get the job. And I went there, and this guy said, you don't want this job? Yeah, yeah, I want the job. I need the job. Bad shape, getting broke, need the work, need it, got to have it. Don't want this job. Everybody knew what I didn't want. I could also notice there was something about me he wanted to tell me, but he just didn't know how to do it. I also noticed they were going to be more comfortable when I left. So I went out and got drunk, got up the next morning, threw up. I said, you know, I've been doing this for about ten days. I think I'll just take the day off. I went out to the golf course and ate an old egg and an old piece of toast. I know this is old. It went down old. I went around to the beer joint where my last friend was. And he said, God, you look awful this morning. I said, yeah, I think I'm coming down with something. He said, the way you're vibrating, I think you need a beer. And I said, oh, you know, I'm Baptist. We never drink before noon. That's 10.30. It's only 9.15. He said, the way you look, I don't think it makes any difference what time it is. So I drank half that beer. And sprayed the golf course with it. I don't mind spraying it up. I don't lose my concentration. You know, if you start thinking about women or something, it gets your nose and burns. Then you've got to drink the rest of the day to kill the pain. And I knew how to meditate. I never meditate that close anymore. It's when it's just you, God, and a commode. And it's, oh, God. It's stringy. And you don't know where the end is. And you can't breathe. You get it back. I don't know how to use that. Commode stuff for this energy business. You know, after that deep meditation, it's tiring. And I'd lean over there, and there'd be just this coo. I told that guy, I said, maybe I'd better go home. So I went home and thought I'd go home and lie down. I love to have meetings with me. I call on hospitals. And I used to get in the car, and I'd say, God, I hate to go out to that old hospital. You can't ever find the parking place. When you do, you've got to take that kit, carry it down through the lobby and down the basement, down there. And you know that person he gave you, hell, he ain't going to buy anything anyway. See? You don't even have to stop. You just go right on by. Wait till 1030, go to the beer joint, say, well, had another bad day. So I got together, and I thought, well, I'll have a meeting. I got in the living room, and I decided that I'd commit suicide. And those guys that didn't hire me would worry about that for the rest of their day. They'd see the headlines. I was living in Houston then. They'd see the headlines of the Houston Chronicle. Jimmy Williams commits suicide. And they'd never be able to get out. They'd get over it. Every day, they'd worry about it for the rest of their day. But I didn't know how to do it. Now, that's the cinch. I see it on TV all the time now. Suicide. Call that number. You don't have to know anything anymore. Just wait. TV will have it on. I guess you just call up there. I never have to. I don't need it now. I guess you just call and say, I'd like to commit suicide. And they give you the options, whatever it is you do. This was even before overdose got so popular. You know, the easy way to do it. The only thing you're going to remember is, well, I'm going to commit suicide. The only thing you're going to remember is, well, I'm going to commit suicide. The only thing you're going to remember is the pump. And I think you ought to be sound in mind and body when you commit suicide. I remember all three of mine very well. I was there in person. I didn't like guns because I don't like noise in the morning. And besides that, they splatter all over everybody. Razor blades were popular then. But I didn't know how to do it. I was just reading the paper. Cut his wrist with a razor blade. That's it. Didn't say where, how deep, what kind of blade, double edge. And I knew you couldn't do it in the living room. You'd get blood all over the carpet. And I'm always thinking of others, you know. So I got, went in the bathroom, got the razor blade and sat down on the throne. Did a lot of, had a lot of meetings in there anyway. Cut both wrists. I had sense enough to know if you just cut the left wrist and leave the right one there, you'd be half dead and half alive. Even though I haven't done it before, I've got sense enough to know you need to die evenly. I'm just sitting there listening to the drift. I'm just sitting there listening to the drift. Thinking about those guys that'll never get over it. Then the phone rang. And I thought, what if where I'm going, I'll always wonder who that was called. That'd be enough to run you crazy. So I put a bandaid on my wrist right quick. Answered the phone. It's the police. They're trained kind of like ministers, you know. Except I've never seen one yet that didn't have a personality change. They always say, come go along with me. And I say, I can't go. Then they start to get all upset. I said, by God, I'm not going. I've got to go home. I just noticed I had to go home. And then they get real upset. And I say, well, I guess I'd better pacify them and go along with them. This guy says, where were you last night? I said, I was right here. He said, no, you wasn't. I said, how do you know? We was there. Then I didn't want to talk to them anymore. I'd already learned don't ever talk to anybody no more about where you've been than you do. I said, well, what do you want me to do? Well, you can either come down here. Or we'll come out there and get you. I said, I'll be right there. And he said, if I were you, I'd pick up an attorney on the way. And I said, that'll take me about 30 more minutes. So don't get excited. I'll still be there. Then I had another meeting. You know, I love to live with me. I can live a week and a half a day. I've had a hell of a morning. And it's only 11 o'clock. I've had two big meetings, committed suicide, thrown up out the golf course. And now I've got to have another emergency meeting. So I called all of these together. And I said, you know, this town's been pretty bad to you. You're in a heck of a mess. They won't hire you or nothing. They've treated you bad. Why don't you leave? I said, I think I will. So I just put on all my clothes. I had one piece of furniture, a lamp. I guess I was going to carry the light if I could ever find the plug. So I put all the junk and whatever it was I had in there, just room for me. And the lamp, the lamp shade is up on top. And I take off. Pick up a pint of whiskey. Had $36. That was before inflation, which is plenty to start a new career. Waked up the next morning about 150 miles away with $7. And I said, I wonder how my folks are getting along? Picked up the phone and called collect. They said, where are you? And I told them, they said, well, why don't you come by here and have a cup of coffee? And I said, oh, I believe I will. I drove by, and I wanted to have a cup of coffee. And I said, well, I want a cup of coffee. And I said, well, I want a cup of coffee. And I said, well, I want a cup of coffee. I drove by. And I want to have a cup of coffee. And I said, well, I want a cup of coffee. And I said, well, I drive by, and I want to tell you something I never shortchanged my folks. They're never going to get their money back. So I always gave them my very finest story. In fact, it got so horrible, I started listening to it. Hell, I cried with them. I thought, God, if I'd known it was that bad, I'd have left Houston three years earlier. Then old John would say, well, Jimmy's honest. Let him have 100. But 170? You can almost go into business. So I knew all I had to do was sweat it out until the next morning. The next morning, I got up, and I said, there's one little thing I left out last night. When I was going through all that horrible experience, I was drinking some. And I decided last night that I'm never going to drink again as long as I live. You'll never have to worry about me getting in any kind of trouble or trapped or anything ever again. I'm going to drink again. I'm going to drink again. I'm going to drink again. I'm going to drink again. I'm going to drink again. I'm going to drink again. I'm going to drink again. I'm going to drink again. I'm never going to drink again. And my folks just looked at me like it was a blank wall. I asked my aunt when I got in there, I said, do you remember that time? She said, which one? And I finally told her what she thought she remembered. She said, I think when you said that, I turned around and looked at John and said, what do you think? And he said, he's 33. He'll never live until he's 35. I got in that car, and then I had another meeting. And I thought, well, where am I going? I've got $107, and I've got all this stuff with me. I thought, well, I'll go to the Rio Grande Valley of Texas. You know, that's the end down there, you know. The United States is over. We've got a little creek there and changed countries. And it's a long way down there. And I drove down there and stayed at one of the nice downtown hotels. Never took my clothes out of the car. Went down to where I knew where one of these guys were working, and I went down there every day. Never took my clothes in. Knew I was leaving every day. Looked like a great giraffe. Walked out there. Got my shorts, socks, shirt. Went out, took a bath. Came back, put them on. Every morning, they'd see me walking back across the street to this old hotel. Got the job. I don't know why I got that job, except nobody goes through down there. Just the Midwest people come down in the wintertime to keep warm, you know. So I got that job, and for some reason, I could always work. Seven days a week. Just get drunk at night. Not drunk, drunk. And where I could get up into my place. In fact, sometimes I'd let somebody go because he was in my place. And I explained it to them so they could know what to do. And one day, I was over just getting rested to go get drunk. Sometimes you get so tired, you know, you have to go rest to get drunk because it takes a lot of time. And the manager came by and said, would you like to go get a beer? And I said, yeah. And guess what? He was a drunk, just like me. I lasted there eight years. Would have lasted longer, but he got fired. Well, I'm still trying to get married. And I decided, since it was so awkward, when you'd go with one girl and couldn't find another one, I'd have the main one and a spare. And it's hard, of course, drinking. You know, he'd call about 3.30, 4 o'clock and say, see you about 7.30. And it might be four or five days before you get by there. But I finally ran into one that was different. This one. You know, I know it's nice to air things out. Just. Cuss each other out. But don't touch. You know, don't arm you. Just. Tell them who they are. Let them tell you who you are. Then kiss and make up. Do the same thing the next day. I understand that. Living. Just good living. This girl took advantage of me physically. I'm not supposed to be up. My weekends are like this. I go to work early in the morning. So I get off early in the afternoon. So I'd always get drunk and I'm in bed by 9, 9.30. Well, on Saturdays, I run out at noon, get drunk, get back to bed around 5.30. 4 or 5 o'clock. Then by 9 o'clock, I'm up again to have my late show. And I did that every weekend. Then I'd try to taper off into Monday. If I could catch it. Well, this Friday night, I was not going to be working Saturday. So I'm over at her house at 11 o'clock. I'm up. I'm not supposed to be up. And I'm up and I'm blacked out and here I am. And being an honest person like I am, I said, I think I'll go by and see the other girl. I just didn't want to deceive her any, you know. For some reason, that didn't go over well. And I said, well, I've got to go. I've got to go. I've got to go. I've got to go to the bathroom before I leave. And I went in there and she followed me in there. That's the wrong place to have a meeting. All the surfaces in there are very firm. I don't know what happened. The next morning, I'm living in an old faded green trailer in an alley behind a motel. I had rock yards a long time before they put them in. And I'd already learned to wake up in total fright in my own bed. And something went, well, God. I jumped up, looked up, still had my clothes on. I said, well, I've got to go. I said, oh, my God, I bet I was going somewhere early this morning. Looked down in that old white shirt and had blood on it. Blood makes me sick, you know. Opened the door. There was that 6'4", 250-pound Baptist preacher. Come go along with me. I said, preacher, I can't make it. I know it looks like I'm ready. I know it looks like I'm ready to go wherever there was we were supposed to go early. But I'm not ready. I'm really not ready. I know I look like I'm ready, but I'm not ready and I just can't go. He said, get in the car. God, I got in the car and I'm in total fright. I said, get in the car. I said, preacher, I'm going to have to have a beer. I'm going to have to have a beer. I can't make it. There'll be no drinking before the meeting. We drove up in front of her house. I assumed she was going to be there. But my head kept hurting like I'd been hit in the head with a hammer or I'd had a car wreck. My car looked okay, just parked funny. We stopped in front of her house. I assumed the meeting was going to be there. And I opened the door and she did look like she might have fallen in the bush or something. And her head kept throbbing. And I went in that bathroom. I said, I've got to go to the bathroom. I went in that bathroom. Looked in that mirror and I'm going to tell you something. She won. I'll never know the truth, but I think what really happened, I probably lost my equilibrium, fell in that bathtub, and she stepped on me. Two weeks later, we got married. Got married in the First Baptist Church, so it worked. We got married at 10 o'clock in the morning, so there'll be no drinking before the funeral, I mean the ceremony. And I told her since she had been married before, there wouldn't be any reason for us to invite anybody. And I got drunk again. On Friday night, wasn't going to work on Saturday. At about 11 o'clock, started calling everybody. At about 3 o'clock, I quit as I passed out. And when I met them at the church, my beer distributor friend said, you called me at a quarter of three. I want you to know we're not here to see you get married. We're here because we don't believe it. The longest bet on your marriage is three weeks. But I showed them. I hung it in there for eight years. But my life changed. I had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace. I was always going to quit smoking because it made me gag in the morning, so I'd grab those cigarettes and grab that coffee and go in that bathroom and lock that door and she'd tell me what I was through that door. I'd have to get upset, go out and make the living, and then get drunk. Come over and tell her what she was, and we did that one day at a time. Only good day we ever had was when we spoke just two times. One night, I... I thought, wow, I'll go home early. I wasn't blacked out. I always went home blacked out. And I was just funny tight. Just tight, you know, just straight. Having a big time. I got to where I was fantastic about 15 minutes every night. And don't stay too long because I had a tendency to tell people what they were and they hadn't even asked. So I thought, well, I'll just go home and be home early. So I went home feeling good, went in, stripped down to my shorts. I said, gosh, it's hot in here. She said, yes, damn it. I've been telling you the air conditioner's been off for nine. Nine days. I said, we're going to get it fixed. And I lay down on the bed. And about that time, she walked out of that, into that bedroom with a .45 Mangum pistol and stuck it right there. I said, Lord, if you'll just get me out of here, I'll never be back here again. Just one time. If you'll just get me out of here. And it's amazing how you can show her up. It's amazing. And she looked at me and told me what I was. And I said, that's right, that's right, that's right. She did not pull the trigger. And, of course, I was back there for five more years. But I went back to that preacher and I said, preacher, I'm going to tell you something. This thing is not working. He said, you know what's wrong with y'all? I said, no. You're missing the beauty of life. I said, yeah. He said, did you know the fruit trees were in bloom? I said, no. He said, what you need to do is go get your wife and drive out and look at the fruit trees and the blossoms. I said, yeah. He said, y'all are missing the whole thing. I said, yeah. So I ran and got in the car and went open the door and said, get in the car. She said, what for? I said, we're going to go look at the blossoms. She said, the blossoms? I said, yeah, we're missing the whole damn thing. She got in the car. I went by and got a six-pack, started up the valley. Saw a sign that said Matamoros, Mexico, 14 miles, turned left. Went to Mexico, switched to tequila, blacked out, missed the whole damn thing. I lost that job. Couldn't get one. Took me two months. Couldn't get one. And finally, a guy that managed a drug company hired me. He was a drunk just like me. We'd been drunk together. And took him about six weeks to ship me to Fort Stockton, Texas. Now, I'm going to tell you about Fort Stockton. There's 536 people live there. 36 of them are making a living. I joined the 500. Got a little freeze out there about that high. Now, you can see California on a clear day. Now, I'm supposed to carry a pad right in this hand and take a pen and write. Well, there ain't no way you can do that. You cannot do that when you're vibrating and moving. And this pharmacist says, you look like you're going to fly apart. I said, any minute. He said, well, take some of these. This was Fort Valium. I understand Valium, both eyes crossed, you walked straight. This was just Librium, which is nothing. Nothing. They're just a little green, black, green, green pills, capsules. Took two of them. You know what happened? Nothing. Waited 15 or 20 seconds. I'm used to something happening. Burning or doing something. So I took three more. Then my knee just said, huh. I said, God, I've got, I know how to weave. Now I've got to learn new stance. So I took Librium daytime and it was always nice when that pharmacist say, I'm a little short of 10. 25 is okay. It'll be fine. I said, well, I'm a little short of 10. I said, well, I'm a little short of 10. I said, well, I'm a little short of 10. I said, well, I'm a little short of 10. I took as many 25s as I took 10s. They're just the same size, you know. No different. Just a different color green. That's all it was. So I took Librium daytime and drank beer at night. I had one decision to make after the third beer. If I'm going to go home early, I'll switch to bourbon. Otherwise, I'll just close the joint. That's the only thing. I went blacked out. I used to love to drive right before you black out. You know, you can entertain yourself driving that way. My stripe always went to the right. I used to think, I wonder if tomorrow night my stripe will go to the left. Never went to the left. Always went to the right. Nobody ever told me. Just close your left eye stripe. Clip right back. And it's a long trip. It's when it gets, oh, that water come down there and burns. It just gives you joy going. And then you'd be going along like that. Say, well, it's just two tail lights up there. Don't let up. Got eight. My perfect time was when I was just drunk, drunk, and blacked out right at the door. But I went home one way and one way only. Blacked out. Somebody recommended me for a job, and they hired me for no reason at all. I didn't even know what they did. And they sent me back to Houston, Texas. And I thought, well, the police are still probably looking for me. It's only been ten years, you know. And I set up battle. We got a two-holer. We didn't sleep in the same bed anymore. And I was praying to God for somebody to sleep with her, and nobody would. I even tried to have a little girlfriend on the side a little bit, you know. And I'd keep going along with this girlfriend and would not get caught. I'd just get drunk and tell it. Never could understand why marriage wasn't working. My day then was I never did let these customers see me drunk. I'd always leave them in case we played golf on occasion with one or two of them. I'd always make sure I might have a beer or a drink, and then I'd go black out at my place. And when they'd run into that place or the other place, I'd change places. The day before Christmas Eve of 1965, we played golf with some in-laws and outlaws of customers. And I was a little too hospitable. We started at noon. And we had lunch with a sandwich and beer, and I just missed the sandwich. And I kind of took the beer with me, and I kind of joined in with them. And I blacked out at their house and drove from one side of the Houston to the other, blacked out, which was nothing new for me. Nothing new for me to drive blacked out, wake up the next morning in total fright, look out to see if my car is back, which I did that morning. There it is, parked funny. I'd quit asking it how it got back because it never told me. Did the same thing I'd always do if they got the phone. I'd call them and call back and say, I'm sorry about last night. And they would never tell me what I did. That's what I wanted to know. And they would never tell me, but they just got to saying it was, okay, Jim, you just got drunk. God, that was getting to be a bad word with me. And for some reason, I'm not an alcoholic. I must have heard it on the radio. I picked up that phone that morning, I don't know what's-her-name, and gone next door. They were getting ready to have a party on Christmas Eve. And I picked up that phone. It was under alcoholic status and called in. And that girl, that's why she's the one I called. I should have known it had the wrong number. And she said, somebody will be right out. Well, I waited an hour. And it's 10.15, looked in the icebox, had three beers. I said, oh, my God, don't need them anyway. Besides, it's Christmas Eve. I didn't know who I called. About that time, the phone rang. Guy said, be right there. Got in front of him, tell him I didn't need him. He hung up. The guy came by himself because his wife had managed those apartments, and they lived there up until two months. Prior to that. And he used to watch me going back to the 7-Eleven saying, he lives, we'll get him. And he came in there, and I looked outside. He's a little short guy with a pointed nose. The book on his arm, he said, oh, my God. We're going to read that book and pray. I've not only been baptized, I've been rededicated ten times. I said, I'll just get rid of him. He came in. We didn't read the book. We didn't pray. And about that time, I don't know what he said. I don't remember one single thing he said. About that time, old Watson came back in. He said, you want to go with me? Well, I didn't, but it's better than staying with her. Got in the car with him, and he jumped up on that old 610 loop around Houston doing 50 miles an hour. I said, oh, my God. Went back into total fright. And I said, God, I've gone off with a perfect stranger. He's not my kind of guy. God, he looked awful. Sad looking. I knew he was a deacon type guy. And I said, I'll buy a beer. I don't want a beer. I thought, God, I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. He would have taken my car. I knew better to go off with a stranger like that. I said, I'm going to tell you one thing. I've got bad drunk last night. I'm in bad, bad shape. And I'm not going to last another 10 minutes. You either let me off this freeway and I'll walk over there like you told him, or you take me over there. I've got to have a beer, and I've got to have it right now. He said, can you wait till we get to the club? Oh, yeah, I can do that. Out of total fright. He gave me a little light. It's when the light's out that it bothers me. And we drove and drove. It was kind of a bad neighborhood. Drove up on this old-looking house. I said, this it? He said, yeah. I thought, well, when I get some money, I'll help these folks. Opened the door, and there's a bunch of deacons sitting over there talking about women in the stock market. And I found out later on, didn't know anything about either one. There's an old bar back there in the back, and the bartender didn't look a hell of a lot better than I did. This is the program of attraction, you know. And this guy said, mix him up a little milk and honey. I said, my God, what do you put in it? I never drank anything like that in my life. He said, well, you see, you're nervous. I said, hell, that's what I've been trying to tell you. And besides all that, you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol. And the honey has already been digested. I said, indigestion is not my problem. You know, if you throw up right, you don't have indigestion. I drank half of it, and it curdled and came right back up. He said, don't worry about it. We have plenty. I thought, hell, I'm just going to put on a show for these guys. One of the smart ones said, walk all you want to. Hell, I didn't want to walk at all. Sitting there drinking that sweet, sweet stuff, and these guys just watch you. Got a new animal in here today. Watch you walking up and down there laughing and talking. Finally got so sweet, sweet, sweet. God, I hadn't had a piece of pecan pie in 15 years. And, God, it got sweet, sick, sweet, sweet. Almost. Almost pasty. And finally this guy said, well, I guess it's about time we went home. I said, yeah. I said, let me out two blocks away from the apartment, because I knew I had to go get some bourbon to cut that sweet taste. Beer would not do it. He said, don't drink anything. I'm going to pick you up in an hour. I said, what for? We're going to a meeting. I said, where? Right back where we came from. I said, my God, we was there all day. Here he comes. Back over there we go. It was a funny bunch. I saw two or three of them hugging and kissing. And the rest of them, hell, they didn't look like this any happier about being there than I did. And they got up and said a little funny prayer of some kind. Some girl got up, talked about 30, 40 minutes. They just laughed, laughed, laughed. Wasn't a damn thing funny. That guy got up and talked about 30 minutes or so. And they just laughed. Wasn't a damn thing funny. I said, hell, these people are crazy. Then they got up and held. Hands. Said the Lord's Prayer. My God, the Holy Spirit moved in there. They all came alive but me and them. What's his name? God, they all started talking at the same time. Nobody lived. I said, I wonder how in the hell they did that. They didn't sing any songs, lay any hands on anybody, come to the altar, didn't do nothing. Just boom, there it is. I stood back there with old what's-his-name for about 30 minutes. Nobody likes him. I said, hell, nobody likes him. I don't like him either. Then finally I saw men and women get together, holding hands, taking off in those cars. Just going right by us. I said, see there, I've got the only deacon that they don't like. Because I knew what they were doing. After you get in here a while, get in with the right bunch, you get to go have a little drink. Talk about this damn thing. Went every single night. Every night. One night it was just raining buckets. He called to pick you up in about 30 minutes. I said, it's raining. He said, Jerry, what was that drink when it was raining? I said, I'll be ready. Then one night old what's-her-name was out of town, and I just locked the door, pulled out all the shades, turned out all the lights except the TV set. That old phone just ring, ring, ring. I just let it ring. Next morning he called and said, where were you last night? I said, I was right here watching television and enjoyed every damn minute of it. May do it again tonight. He said, well, you missed it. I said, what did I miss? He said, I don't know. I said, wasn't you there? He said, yeah. But I only heard, That's what I was supposed to hear. We'll never know what it was you were supposed to hear. I said, my God, you've got to go every night. You'll miss it. Went every night three months and I got drunk. Every night three months and I got drunk. Every night three months and I got drunk. Then I'd heard it takes 72 hours for the alcohol to get out of your system. So I sobered up on my own. And after I got about 60 hours, which is enough, I went back to officially resign. I knew exactly what I was going to do. I knew exactly what was wrong. I have always been under-financed. And if I could just get financed, I could take care of everything. So I went back to resign. And after the meeting, when I started walking towards him, evidently I'd called him about 3 o'clock in the morning about something when I was drinking. And he walked up to me and said, before I could tell him I'd resigned, don't you ever call me again. I said, God, I'm glad you said that. I never called you. In the first place, they called you. And I'm going to tell you something that nobody else will tell you. These people don't like you. We don't get invited anywhere. And they don't know me, so it's got to be you. And you don't ever have to worry about it again. I'll never call you again as long as I live. And I didn't until the next morning. And he said, meet me at the club. And I walked in the club and he said, get your coffee and sit down. He talked to you like a dog here, you know. I said, I'm going to tell you something about Al Paul Exonimus, Al-Anon, Al-Teen, Al-Tot, and Al-Dawg. Absolutely no failure here. It's impossible, cannot, must not, will not fail. There's no failure. Provided you do exactly what we tell you to do the way we tell you to do it. He said, now there's only one thing that you're going to get to do for the rest of your life. But you're the only one who gets to do it. But this is the only thing you get to do. You're going to get to get up every morning and decide whether you're going to go our way of life or your way of life. And now we're going to give you a decision. If you don't give an alcoholic a decision, he'll flounder on the same subject for years. And now we're going to let you decide whether you're going to do exactly what we tell you to do the way we tell you to do it or go right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what you wanted to do. I asked you what you were going to do. I said, do you mean to tell me that y'all don't care whether I want to or not? He said, not at all. I said, well, if you'll make it perfectly clear to the group that I do not want to do it, then I'll do it. He said, well, there's some things that we've got to get straight first. And the first thing is, it's your thinking that's wrong. I said, how much of my thinking is wrong? We always start with all of it. And if there's any, any good, we'll let you know. I said, you put a sign up there on the wall that says, think, think, think. He said, that's for us. He said, now we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do. Now, the things we're going to give you not to do is going to change. The things we're going to get to do, you'll just do them every day and add to them. Then it's going to happen over here. I said, what's going to happen over there? We don't know, but it always happens. I said, you know, I've been talking to you for nine months and I'm going to tell you something. I do. I do not understand. He said, and that's it, and don't you ever forget it. He said, there's two things that you're going to remember for the rest of your day. No matter what's going on in your life, you do not understand. Then you'll have understanding. And when you quit trying to understand, then you'll enjoy it. And the other thing is, no matter what your situation is, no matter what's going on, no matter what's going on in your life, it's never the situation, it's never them, it's never God, it's you that must become different. You must become different than you've ever been before. I said, how am I going to do that? He said, oh, you can't. I said, what the hell are you telling me for then? He said, that's what's going to happen to you. He said, now I'm going to give you the kicker. This is what got you here. But it's also the one thing that if it does not change, will keep you from getting everything that God has for His children. As long as you know that you know, you'll never know. But when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do and begin to know you don't know, then you'll begin to know. I said, hell, you're crazy. He said, I know. And now since you do not know how to not do anything, you know that. The card I gave you has my telephone number and four other men, no women on my number, my card, said when you get squirrely, definitely before you take a drink or a pill, you call that number. One of those numbers. It does not make any difference what time it is. You call one of those numbers. If you don't do it, even if you gutted it through and didn't drink, you didn't do it. That's the way we're going to learn to not do something. And this is what we're going to do every day. In the morning, the first thing, get down on your knees to the side of the bed and say these words and these words only. God, take me today and let me be what you want me to be. Lest I will only be done in my life. Help me to death not take a drink of anything alcoholic or a mind-changing drug. Amen. Do not need to tell God what he has not done nor what he needs to do. God's highly capable of handling that all by himself. And then call me before you go to the bathroom. I said, why before I go to the bathroom? You may not need to go. I said, do you mean to tell me you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to go to the bathroom? He said, we'll find out. They don't give you a lot of credit here, you know. I got up that morning and before I got down on my knees, I said, God, you and I know. He don't know. Hell, he's a Presbyterian. But we're going to do it just exactly like he says to do it. So when we get up, we're going to do it. When we get through and get enough of this stuff, we're going to tell him to shut it. Got down on my knees and said that prayer. Got up and made sure I need to go to the bathroom. Picked up that phone call. He didn't even ask where I need to go. And I said, go to the bathroom and meet me at the club. And I met him at the club and he said, now go to work. I said, I hate my job. He said, what's that got to do with it? I said, you don't hear me when I talk to you. He said, yeah, I heard you. Hating your job has nothing to do with going to work. I said, well, I couldn't even go to work if I hate it so bad. He said, what did you do? Sit in there. Sit there and think? Yeah. I said, well, you don't know how to go to work. I said, how? Go get in the car. You can catch this if you ride it in. Then he said, and besides that prayer of a morning, did we say, I want you to add this to it. Invite God into the day, every day when you get in that car. I said, how do you do that? He said, you say, God, I invite you into the day. Oh. If you'll write those two down, you'll have it. You'll get it. Then I met him back at the club. You know how they are, the big shots. Out loud. You can sit with us. Just don't say anything. Listen. To the kings. Listen to them. And then out loud, they'll say, now it's time for you to go home and eat supper and come back. Yeah. I know to do that. They've got to tell you to do that. And I came back, and after me, he said, now go home and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God for the day. It's been a miserable damn day. And I hate you, and I hate AA, and I hate God, and I hate my work, and I hate her. And I'm not going to go home and pray to God. I didn't be a hypocrite. He said, do you feel like you're not sincere? I said, yeah. He said, that has absolutely nothing to do with it. God's not depending on you at all for your relationship with Him. He's highly capable of handling that all by Himself. And it's only the action that you're taking that's against your thinking that you don't even know that you're taking that's going to make you different. And you can never take certain action for certain things to happen because something's got to happen. Well, things can happen. And I understood that, so I didn't get into that. I said, do you mean to tell me that you don't care whether I mean it when I pray to God or not? Not a bit. Group doesn't care. God doesn't care. No. Got in the car, went home, got in my bedroom and closed the door so the fucker name didn't get in there. Sat on my knees and said, okay, by God, God, thank you for a miserable damn day. Amen. Hell, if He don't care and they don't care and God don't care, hell, I don't care. Did that for about two months. And I was driving down one, didn't do anything any different this morning than I did any other morning. Driving that old 610 loop in Houston, about 915, and that God moved into that car with me as my friend for the first time knowingly in my life. And for the first time I knew I knew something different than I had ever known it before. And I knew I knew I would never need to take another drink of anything alcoholic or take a mind-changing drug as well. And I knew I knew I would never need to take another drink of anything alcoholic as long as I lived unless I myself insisted upon it. And I knew I knew it. God, that God stayed with me all day and about three o'clock that afternoon, I thought, man, the rest of my life is going to be just like this. I'm going to get me a tent and some tambourines. I'm going to go save some souls. I know where they are, you know. Couldn't wait for Him to get back to that club. He was 15 minutes late and He walked through that door and I said, get your coffee and sit down. And this is taking over. Now, they don't like it coming back. But He did it. And He sat down and I told Him. And then I waited for Him to make me leader. And He said, thank God we've got that over with. Now we can get started. I said, my God, that took a year. He said, some are thicker than others. I said, what are you going to do about it? What's the name? He said, I'm not going to do nothing. He said, I'm leaving my marriage just like it is. We're not messing with it. He said, most people that get there, they're married right. But they still both got to change. And I'm going to send you to a guy that's got his all worked out. I'm not going to fool with you through that what's-her-name deal. Send me to an Episcopalian. You know they don't know. And he said, what do you want? And I said, well, I'm going to tell you something. They've had me on hold for almost 18 months and I've got brain damage from not doing it. And I'm not doing it with what's-her-name and nobody else will either. I've been praying for that. And I kept, you know, doing lined up all the time before I could get off a caution and get on that green light. And I said, I want to know if I can have a relationship with one woman. And if I can't, I'm going to do my thing. He said, do you remember when you got the alcoholics and all of us and you didn't fit in here and you didn't fit back out there? I said, yeah. He said, if you're willing to go through that lonesome period in every area of your life, I'll not only guarantee your relationship with a woman, I'll guarantee your relationship with your fellow man you could never have imagined. And I'll give you a bonus on top of that. I'll guarantee your relationship with God that you could not believe. I said, I don't believe that. He said, isn't that fantastic? I said, what do you mean? You don't need to. I said, you mean I don't have to believe? He said, not at all. It's only what we tell you not to do that you do and that you do what we tell you to do. And that way, you don't ever have to worry about believing. It'll just happen to you. I said, he said, are you still married or what's her name? I said, yeah, but we do not sleep together. We've got two whores. And he said, well, we'll just practice on her. She's handy. He said, you do not know how to live with one person and you have to change no matter whether she's right or wrong, good or bad. And whether you're going to end up with her or not will not make any difference. You'll still have it whether it'll be with her or somebody else. He said, but since you do not know how to live, you're going to have to do some things. You're never going to tell her what's wrong, what's wrong with her ever again. I said, who's going to tell her? He said, I don't know, but you're not. And you're never going to do anything with friends, out and on, children or anything to work her around to get her to do what you want her to do. I said, never? He said, never. And you're going to pray for her? I said, I'm not. He said, yes, you are, and you're going to say these words and these words only. And you may have said many, many times today in the beginning, God, thy will be done for her as well as for me. Take our relationship and let it become what you want it to be and show me the truth. I said, I did not want God's will to be done for her as well as for me. He said, remember, what you want has nothing to do with it. So I started doing it. And it wasn't too long after that, that old sex deal I had surfaced and all that stuff happened. And I told them about it, told them about it once a day and kept telling them about that thing and telling them about that thing I had. And it wouldn't go away. And I told the group and they said, you're not supposed to tell that to the group. So I went over and told another group. And one of them snitched on me. We don't gossip here, you know, we're just concerned. And he said, you know, usually when you stop doing something, God removes it. And that hadn't happened with you. He said, so what the name is out of town? You go back over there and you lock yourself in that apartment and don't you come out to you and God and get that thing settled. Went over there and I got up and prayed all day and cried and cussed and hit the, cussed and learned to quit and bar and hurt your hand. And about 11, 12 o'clock that night I went to sleep and the next morning I got up and it was not there. First time in my life I didn't have that thing. And I knew I could have it. Well, I didn't, I went to four meetings and I thought, hell, I'm not even going to tell them they're so damn smart. And after the fourth meeting I thought, well, on the way to ice cream I said, well, I guess I might as well tell you. And he said, oh, we knew it the first night. I said, why didn't you tell me? He said, well, he said, we don't know. Well, do you know what came then? Do you know what happened when my sickness was gone? Do you know what we had? Nothing. Do you know what nothing is? Nothing. Do you know how to get sick? Make something out of nothing. We used the same lawyer and she just had to explain to him what a nice guy I was. And for those of you who are worried about her, about two months after our divorce I saw her best friend. She said, do you see what's her name lately? I said, no. Happy, happier than I have ever known her. Called my sponsor to keep from calling her to tell her what she was. I knew she had forgotten. This girl that I began to see, not see, just know I called on her in hospital. And I took she and three other women to a hospital convention and I had that different funny feeling with her. And I was afraid to get with her by myself. And two people accused us of going together. And so when I came back I thought, I better go tell her. They had not allowed me to do anything but go to AA and work. Think all I want to but that's all I can do. Go to AA and work. And if I was going to be around anybody too long be sure and establish the fact that I want God to be ahead of every area of my life and that's my goal. And that's what I work on every day. And I need to tell them that in case I start to get too close to somebody. So I called her up there and I told her we're going to have to go to your office I've got to tell you something. I said, I just want you to know something. I may be falling in love with you but there's nothing we can do about it. My sponsor will not let me have an affair. And that, it looks funny coming from a 43-year-old gray-headed man. And I said, well, I guess I've screwed up. I might as well take the rest of it. She's a Southern Baptist, you know. I said, I'm an alcoholic. I go to AA every single night twice on Saturday and Sunday. I do two things. Work and go to AA and that's all I get to do. She said, well, what's it all about? Well, I don't know. We get up every morning and pray and then we cry and then we call each other up and we're in bad shape and we get better and we get better and we get better. And then we pray and then we cut and then we smoke and our eyes burn and then we drink coffee a quarter to a night and can't understand why we can't sleep and run around together one day at a time. I said, I'll just have to call my sponsor. And I called him and he said, what have you been doing? I said, I ain't done nothing. He said, bring her over here. So I said, you'll have to go see my sponsor. She looks funny but she goes. And he talks to her for, we get over there and sit down, Sonny, I'll handle this. Talked to her for an hour and a half. I thought, hell, I believe he's going with her. Then he turned around and said, well, God might be going to do something to you. God, I'm ready. I've been looking at that green light. I know what to do now. Just sign old Everett's name and go right on at the motel and get her going. I know how to do it. He said, no, remember our deal. No home will be a home that we're talking about unless God A.A. and Al-Anon lives there. I said, I'd forgotten that. He said, she's had a bad marriage but with no alcohol. And she's going to have to decide whether she wants this program or not and if she doesn't, no play. I had to tell her how to go to Al-Anon and I said, just go in there and tell him your name's Eloise. Don't tell him another damn thing. He don't need to know nothing else. Didn't want her to get that too good anyway, you know. She went in there and they wanted to know something else and she said, well, I'm going with an alcoholic. I might marry him. And they spent three meetings telling her why she shouldn't marry an alcoholic. So I took her across town to an open meeting and a woman alcoholic was talking that night and she heard the program of alcoholic snots and she heard her feelings being described by that girl. And she went back to her Al-Anon group and said, you've got a program here and I want it. We converted that Southern Baptist. You know, those Southern Baptist and Catholics have the hardest time getting God's in their life but once you convert them, they're fine. Because of you and God himself, we have that. Marriage that only God puts together and we are free and we do have God A.N. Al-Anon living in our home. She had three children. The oldest one was a Southern Southern, the one they liked. Never be out of work, Baptist minister. He knows how to get them saved and get them moving. And he had a wife and a little daughter and he heard that his mother had probably was on drugs and had married an alcoholic. And we didn't see him for three years. And he finally showed up and this last two summers he's let that daughter spend a whole month with this alcoholic and this Al-Anon in their home. He doesn't see his daddy still living. He doesn't see him anymore. And I've taken his place. And I had to go to my sponsor and said, my God, I'm getting children and now grandchildren. All I want, I'm trying to just be a husband. So we had to work on that. And then the middle son is probably going to be one of us. He's got a divorce and he's sleeping with a mattress. Hello, he says, son, you don't think you're drinking too much? He said, no. So we're all right. Last time I saw him he was drinking light beer and booms farm wine and mentioned it to this little girl that he has a platonic relationship with. Tastes just like soap opera. But they had to go to the bathroom a lot and had to go back and get some more a lot. That one time I thought, God, if I could just tell him to get rid of that switch to bourbon and get, chase it with that beer. Just, just get there quicker. But he knows where we are and what we do. The daughter had a bad relationship. Her boyfriend married somebody else and she got hooked up. She didn't cope well and she tried to go to college and couldn't and she didn't cope well. She was a beautiful five foot eight blue eyed blonde. Just beautiful. Personality about like this thing before they painted it. She got hooked up with a dirty bearded pot smoking dirty haired boy. He was going to liberate her and Al-Anon and Eloise handled that thing. I thought there was going to be one thing if that girl was going to break our deal up but they wouldn't let me do anything for her. And they handled that and put her out on her own and by golly they cleaned up. She worked with that guy through school and now they've got two beautiful babies. And the older one now is five years old and she thinks I'm something else. And she shall never find out any different. And we've got a little love affair going and the little one Eloise is just crazy about her so we've got them both. And that girl is an absolute delight to be around. That boy that she married his dad died when he was ten years old and was probably died from alcoholism. And he said five years ago that I was the only dad he ever knew. And now you know I can't be that but I am. You know I'm glad I know I know some things. I'm glad you and I I'm glad you and I stayed together long enough for me to know I know some things. I'm glad I know I know that God chose us to be his special child. I don't know about anybody else or any other thing or any other people but I know I know about you and I that God chose us to be his. Probably before or when we were born. And I know I know that today. I know I know that God my life could never have been any different if I'd have gone to 15 denominations and 1,000 churches. My life was never designed to be any different until God sent me to be with you and sent you to be with me. See I know I know that you and I did not get here on our own. We had no idea this is where we were coming. And if you'll just stop and think a minute did you run out and say I've got to run out and get drunk and have a car wrecked tonight got to run and get put in jail so I can get to A.A.? You didn't know that. Then it's none of your business where you're going after you got here. When you don't know where it is you're going and you got there. It's none of your business where you're going after you get there. And we need to remember that because my path is going to be different than yours. But remember you and I are going to go down that path the same way because you and I have been put together by God Himself. He plucked us. I don't know why He's choosing them all. I don't know why they're all not here. I don't know why there's a lot of them not over there this morning instead of you and I not over there. I don't know why that is that you and I are here except for one thing. One thing only. God chose us to fulfill whatever purpose He has for you and I. And He's brought us together. And He's going to send us out to do whatever it is He wants us to do and 90% of the time you and I are not going to know what it is and He's doing it. I'm sorry. You and I would love to do it but He's not going to let us do it. He's going to do it through us and He's not going to do it any other way. Some reason when you call me and I call you something happens. When you and I meet together without fail something always happens. And you don't know what it is nor how it happened and we get from here to here to here and don't know how in the hell we got from there to there. But we get there and we never can go back down there. We don't know how we knew how it was down there but we don't know how we were because we're not that way anymore and we're here. We're here. So we never know how we got there. So you can't brag tell about it or learn it or memorize it or teach it. You get it one way only. The living experience of God coming through our lives of us walking through those situations without changing them and God through that situation and that living experience makes us different. And while doing that and that He can fulfill His purpose through us and the fruit part is He lets us have that one sweet precious thing. The thing that He gives only to His children. Only does He take our lives and gives us those things that only God gives to His special chosen children. And that's where we are today. We're in that place that God placed us. Only thing I've got to do now is to go through those experiences and go through those experiences so I will be able to be changed and receive that one thing that God has for me and that one thing that He's got for you and the one thing that wins this whole game that shows up that one power that one single power that takes us through and remakes us like God wants us to be. Through each experience God changes you and I and that's what I need to know. See the only thing you and I didn't know that we need to know. And the only thing you and I heard it all of our lives but we didn't know it because God hadn't told me. And God's our only teacher. We don't get taught by anybody else or anywhere else. God teaches us personally through the experience only. That's the only way we get it. And you know the only thing we don't know? We don't know that God loves us. I didn't know God loved me until one day two years ago. I've been there eight, nine, ten, eleven, fifteen years. But I didn't know I know God loved me. Didn't you know what I knew I knew that day? I knew I knew that's what I need to know that I didn't know. And I knew I knew that's what the rest you didn't know. And see that if that's the case that God made you and God made me then he didn't make a mistake because God can't make a mistake when he made you and I. Hell, a crazy person like you and I can figure that out. But the sweet part is thank God I stayed with you long enough to feel God loving me and me loving him. I wish I could do that every day but I can't. But the sweet part the part that wins the game we're going to lose some battles. We used to win battles but we lost the game. Now we're going to lose some battles and we've won the game because we're in the place. As long as you and I stay together one day at a time the height that you and I are going to go is unlimited because it's directed guided, protected and taken by God himself. But the difference was you. You're the one I was looking for. It was you I had to be with. No matter what I did if I'd have turned left or right wouldn't have made a bitter difference. I had to experience everything I did up through this moment. You and I are right on time. We're not late and we're not early. Wherever you are right today you're right on God's time for you and for me. And the secret was you. You're the one when I got with you that's when it began to happen. What began to happen? Then God could say now I can give you that one thing that will never fail you and will win that game. Just like it is here tonight. You can feel it right now. You loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much.