No Effective Mental Defense — Had the House, the Kid, the Husband, and Drank the Champagne Anyway – Chris S.

And now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Chris. Thank you. Hi, everybody. My name is Chris, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is August 1, 2005. I had my last drink on July 29, 2005, but it took me a couple days to realize that I had my last drink. I have a sponsor. I have a home group. I brought my sponsor with me to keep me humble. I brought my husband with me to keep me honest. My bestie to keep me laughing. My spiritual advisor, Steve. That's the funniest thing here. It's very funny. I want to thank Lisa, who asked me to lead, and then Greg, who followed me. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. It's always a privilege to speak at a meeting. I'll just tell you where I come from. I was born in Long Island, Newark, 1966, which makes me 29 years old today. Moved out to California against my own will when I was two. I ended up somewhere in the San Fernando Valley. By the time I was about seven years old, I was already an alcoholic. I hadn't picked up a drink yet, but I remember being in line, getting food at the cafeteria at school, and thinking that the horrible lunch lady who had it out for me, she made sure that I had the smaller brownie, and the people in front of me got the bigger, and the one behind me got the bigger. That was the first time I had a brownie. That was my first awareness of alcoholism and not feeling good enough, persecuted, being self-centered, and being unable to see that anybody else existed in the world. It just wasn't a brownie thing, obviously. I had my first drink a year later at a bar mitzvah, because that's what good Catholic Irish Italian girls do. So I was eight, and I was at a bar mitzvah of 13-year-old boys, Jewish boys. They were so cute. And I was at a bar mitzvah of 13-year-old boys, and I ended up in the garage with a group of cute Jewish 13-year-old boys. Said a lot about my future coming up, but I had freckles and straight, stringy hair, and I was chubby, and I had funny teeth. And I remember sitting in there, and they had beers of the world, dry, warm, in the garage for months, beers of the world that they were sneaking. And I had my first sip of Real Apple, and I had alcohol on my own accord. And all of a sudden, I didn't have stringy hair, I didn't have freckles, I didn't have funny teeth, I wasn't chubby, and I wasn't uncomfortable. And it was a miracle. At that moment in my life, I had experienced something I'd never experienced, which was peace of mind and a sense of well-being. And I didn't have another drink until I was about 13. I suffered a lot for those five years. I was often suicidal. I grew up in a really violent Italian household. And I needed relief in any way I could get it. It started with boys. It started with inappropriate behavior, shoplifting, any way for me to get a fix so I could feel better than I felt the way I was feeling. And that was kind of the story of my whole alcoholism, anything to make me feel better. So in junior high, my nickname, probably the second time I drank, was Lush. And I was incredibly proud of the fact that I was being recognized for something I was good at, finally. And I mean that sincerely. I was thrilled that I had a nickname that didn't have to do with being chubby or have freckles or funny teeth. And it's kind of what I did for a very long time. I drank a lot. I partied a lot. I smoked pot. I ended up smoking a lot of pot later on. I did all the white substances that you somehow snort up your nose. I had this terrible fear of any drug that could possibly take away my intelligence because that was the only thing I potentially had going for me. So I stayed away from acid. I stayed away from those things that would absolutely really make me feel like I was on the edge. But I did it. But I drank excessively. I drove completely drunk many times. One of my little stories was that I had been driving one night on Sunset Boulevard. I don't even know where I was coming from. But I was hammered and I got pulled over at the entrance to Bel Air on Sunset Boulevard. And the cops that stopped me were about to do a field sobriety test. And they got a call on the radio that someone, I later kind of pieced it together, but it was a cop. It was the night the Night Stalker was caught. And if anybody remembers that. So I want to say thank you to the Night Stalker for saving me from my only DUI that I would have probably gotten because that was the only one I really got close to. So I was about 17 years old. By the time I was 18 years old, it was really clear I had a problem. It was really, really clear. I was suicidal. I was depressed. I wasn't allowed to be depressed. I wasn't allowed to feel feelings at home. I wasn't allowed to feel feelings at home. And so I just, I had to find a way to cope all the time when I was at home. I became a daily pot smoker. I became a three to four day a week drinker. And then when I moved out, I became a daily drinker and a daily meth user and a daily everything. And, you know, I was very grateful that, that I had drugs and alcohol. But I was very grateful that, because when I look back now, they saved my life. I would have killed myself. There is no doubt in my mind. I was in that much pain. And had I not gotten relief from drugs and alcohol, I would not be here today. And as they say, I would have been killing the wrong person. So when I was 19, I went to my first meeting and I walked in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and it felt like home. You guys, spoke the way I felt. You didn't look like me. I had pulled myself out of the dregs of Encino. It was tragic. It was tragic. And, and so I went to meetings and I did not look like I fit in and I had no, I was not cool. I was not hip. I was not slick. I was none of those things. But I was most definitely an alcoholic. And, and I had multiple attempts at sobriety. Multiple sponsors where I would, you know, anxiously ask them to be my sponsor. And they tell me to call them and I wouldn't call them. And then I'd not be sober again three weeks later. And so I, I think I added up that I had about six sobriety dates. In 1992, alcohol was everywhere. But, but, that powdery white stuff is what took me to my returned first AA meeting again. And, I also suffered with an eating disorder. So the white powdery substance was really tied into my self esteem and really tied into me feeling like I was an okay kind of person. So that one was very, very difficult. But I stopped using on September 2nd, 1992. And went to meetings, got a sponsor who I didn't call. Then I got a sponsor who I didn't call. Then I got a sponsor who I did call. Then I fired the sponsor that I called. Then I met a guy. And there you go. When I was six months sober, I, I met this person and we got married. And he was not in recovery. He was a very normal person who smoked pot and drank Canadian style, which means two beers. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and as far as I was concerned, I was good. We got pregnant the following year. I had a baby or year and a half later. I came up from the hospital with my newborn son on December 31st and 1995. And I could not remember why I had been sober. And my husband who did not ever see me as an alcoholic offered me champagne to celebrate the birth of our child and the new year. And, and, and, and, and our lovely new home. And, and, and, and there was no fight in me. There was no effective mental defense against taking that drink. I could see no reason why I shouldn't. I had a house. I had a kid. I had a husband. I had arrived. Everything that was wrong with me didn't matter anymore. I was okay. So I picked up that drink, smoked pot a couple more times. I actually was one night, my husband and I had smoked pot and the baby woke up and we went into the room to pick the baby up. and I walked in, picked the baby up, turned around, my husband was right behind me, and I tripped over him. And luckily we caught the baby, but that was the last time I ever smoked pot because I have some boundaries. And then it was just kind of on for a while. When I had first gotten sober, I decided to go back to school. I got an AA degree at Pierce College. I spent 10 years at Pierce College. Ten years. I was there so long they thought I taught there. That was a long 10 years. But I got a degree, and I was ready to transfer. And in between this, I'm having kids and drinking. Long story short, I got it. I got half of my AA degree on meth. I got most of my bachelor's degree on alcohol and a good portion of my master's degree on alcohol as well. And I had a baby somewhere in between there, another one. My kids were five and a half years apart. My mother passed away right after I had broken my sobriety. And the first time... The first time I had a chunk of time. So I ended up breaking that sobriety after three years, three and a half years. And oddly enough, and this is an awful thing to say, but I say it because it's my truth and it's my story. But for the next seven years, I drank kind of normally. I can't really explain it. I was anxious, practically psychotic, an incredible control freak, out of control all the time. I was a horrible, raging, yelling mother. But I was drinking normally. And around 2003, that kind of came to a screeching halt. Because I went to graduate school and now I was really arrived. Three percent of the population getting a graduate degree. I must be okay. I must not be an alcoholic. I can't be. And my drinking really took off. I was drinking a lot. I was drinking a lot. I was drinking a lot. I happened to move onto a block where they drank more than me, which was just amazing. Because it gave me a good few years of getting to pretend everything was fine. And so drank a lot. My kids didn't really catch on. But every night at five o'clock, I'd have a couple glasses of wine. And I will be completely honest with you when I tell you I was a better mother with two glasses of wine in me. I could tolerate two boys and a husband who was gone all the time. I could tolerate my oldest son, ADD, all that stuff. I could tolerate him. I could play. I could not worry about the messes. I was no longer anxious. I was no longer stressed out. I was no longer trying to control everything. And it was beautiful until I graduated with a master's degree in psychology. So now I'm seeking to continue this field. It was his. So throughout my life, I've been young in the important things, so I've tried everything that I could at my own age and I can play some of that ball game. The number one challenge I faced myself against was the três meillas was what they were called in dance parties. What does that mean to you? Someone said something and they would torch it. I like me Project. I like all of it, because as soon as you reach that쪽 bottom side, theater Berlin, you hit a two-minute goddess, whatever. My dad was a chronic alcoholic gambler, so we were in Vegas by like 10 and poolside by like 10.30 and at the bar by 11. And I was pretty much hammered by 5 o'clock when my dad was at the craps table, which is where you could always find him. And I sat down at a blackjack table, and I started talking to some guy. And I consciously made the decision that I needed to just go have an affair. So left the table, went to this guy's room, did what we did, came back down, went to bed, got up the next morning. My husband and my kids and my sister came in, and they checked into a room, and it was the same room the guy had checked out of. And there I am. Having to sleep in the same bed. And I'd love to tell you that I didn't pick up a drink that night. I'd love to tell you that my moment of clarity came from that disgusting feeling of being a horrible mother and a horrible wife and a horrible person. But that's not what happened. What happened was I had to drink to get through the rest of that weekend. I absolutely had to drink. My sister loved to drink. I don't know if she's an alcoholic. I don't know. But we went drinking, and because I had just graduated, my husband was willing to watch the kids the whole time, and that was it. So the last night I drank, I kind of did a repeat behavior. Turns out, I found out that it was the hooker bar at the Rio Hotel. I didn't know we were at the hooker bar. And... I didn't get any money or anything. I'm not saying I got any money. I'm just saying that it was the hooker bar. And I got up the next morning, and that was July 29, 2005. I got up the next morning, and I knew I had to be done. And we were still in Vegas for another day and a half. So I basically just sat in shame and disbelief and gambled as much as I could to make myself feel like, it was going to be okay. And on the way home, I knew I had to get sober, and I knew where I needed to go. I live in Santa Clarita. I went to a place called Stepping Stones. I ran into my friend Teresa, who I had known from before, at my first meeting, and asked to meet my sponsor. And I have been sober ever since. And then there was my husband and kids. And the wreckage. That there was kind of no way to fix it, to be honest with you. You know, my desire to tell him the truth was outweighed by my desire to not hurt him any more than he'd already been hurt. And it took me a very long time to admit my story. And we're divorced now, so I don't care. It's my story. And, you know, my kids still don't know. They don't know my entire story. But I know my story. And I remember at about a year and a half of sobriety, and I was desperate. I was really desperate. I wanted to leave my husband. And my sponsor said I had to wait a year, and I had to do this, that, and the other. And I did this, that, and the other. And then my husband changed amazingly. It was incredible. He became attentive and kind and present. And a good parent and was home more. And so I thought, okay, I'm okay. We're okay. It's okay. And about another year later, it had all fallen apart again. Only this time I wasn't drunk. And this time I was present for all of it. I realized I was in a relationship where I was getting nothing. I was the mother to three men, basically. And it was just not what I had signed up for. My husband. My ex-husband went into Al-Anon, and he still goes to Al-Anon to this day. He remarried another alcoholic. With a control problem. Anyways, that's a whole other story. Whole other episode of Oprah. So I started to really get sober. You know, I jumped into the steps. And I started to panic. Because I had never gotten past three and a half. Literally went insane. Like I just could not figure out what was happening to me. So I did what most people do when they're afraid. They have an affair. With someone else's husband. And it's even more. And their wife is too. I can't tell you that I knew all that. My sponsor. What's the worst that could happen? My AA swan song. What's the worst that could happen? Well, everybody found out. And I wanted to die again. Only this time I again was sober. I was suicidal. I was working in treatment. So I had to go to work every day and act like I had it together. And I remember calling my friend Karen one day from the back room. I worked at Tarzana Treatment Center. In the detox unit. And I called her and told her my way home. I was planning on going off a bridge. And she told me to write my kids names in my palms of my hands. So that I wouldn't forget why I'm supposed to stay alive. And I made it through that night. And I ended up getting a new sponsor. Someone who had gone through having an affair with a married man and AA. And. But. But. But. But. But. And. But. But. But. But. I was repeatedly instructed not to. And that was very hard for me because I wanted to make amends for my part, but the problem was this, was that she didn't know the whole story and it wasn't my place to tell it. And it was really hard because I wanted her to know how sorry I was and that I would never do this again. And if there was anything I could do to make it better, I would. But I couldn't. They eventually divorced and she is no longer sober. And despite the fact that I know it's not my fault, I know it's my fault. But I also know she has a choice as an alcoholic to get sober again. We don't sit with those things well in sobriety. I drank over things like that. Those are the things I had to drink over. My behavior, my stealing, my lying, my cheating, I had to drink over those things so that I could get up in the morning and go ahead and make one more step in the right direction. And I didn't get to drink anymore, so I had to feel every one of these feelings. And I had shame. I had self-doubt, disgust. Again, I said I was suicidal many times. I had just left my husband, moved into a condo. My kids were there half-time. My whole life was turned upside down by my decisions. And if it wasn't for the members of Alcoholics Anonymous who stayed sober and showed me that I could stay sober no matter what, I would not have stayed sober. I took a lot of commitments. I got involved with our convention up in Santa Clarita, and I just gave service, service, service all the time. Every weekend, every night, everything I could do. When I was with my kids, I was with my kids. My oldest son started to do what all teenagers who have, some mental health issues and some attention deficit stuff and depression and anxiety do. He started smoking pot. And I went into another tailspin about me causing that and got him the help that he needed, which was really important. He's been sober on and off since then. He's 22 years old. He is definitely the archive of what was wrong with my family. He is definitely the archive of what was wrong with my family. He is definitely the archive of what was wrong with my marriage and what was wrong with my parenting. And my other son went to Alateen when he was 12 and has incredible boundaries and has an amazing relationship with the world. So I am very grateful for Alateen. I am very grateful for Al-Anon. I dabbled in some Al-Anon. I dabbled in some Al-Anon. I was ready to start having a life again. And I went to this meeting one day and I knew this guy was speaking and he had this really amazing spiritual story. I'm not going to ruin it for you because he's going to be speaking here in August. But I remember saying that I needed to feel gratitude. I needed to feel inspired. So I went and heard him speak. And after the meeting, I went up to say thank you. And we had met before at parties. And he said, well, you should call me sometime. And I said, well, girls don't call boys. So he said, well, here, let me give you my number. So he gives me my number and it pops up in my phone because I already had it. Because that's what I do. That's what I do. That's what good sober girls do. They plan. Long and short of it, we started dating and we got married two years ago. He's sober almost 32 or 33? Almost 33. So he's sober 32 years. And when he met my kids, I had to tell him what he was getting into. And when he met me, I had to tell him what he was getting into. And I think the first conversation with my sons, he made it very clear that he was a man who was trying to recover too. And he was a man whose job it was to do everything differently than he did before he got sober. And I will tell you that my kids have flourished ever since. My kids wrote him a Father's Day card. We celebrated a couple weeks ago with all the family and wrote him a Father's Day card that he read aloud to his family and the tears were just flowing. This man who spent a lot of time in a gated community and had a lot of fun, I am so grateful for him. I love him so much. I'm so grateful for him. I'm so grateful for him. His parents were kind and supportive of him. I'm so grateful for him. His parents had these two boys with love and respect and tolerance and decency and kindness and compassion. And they have changed before my eyes. And so I think AA also for him and what he has done for my life and my family. I know I say I'm a lot. I haven't cussed. cussed have I? This is amazing. You have no idea. You have no idea. I was going to start off in sign language. That was the only way I could avoid cussing. So I'll just get you up to speed. So I am a marriage therapist. It's part of the whole story. I tell other people how to do marriage. Um, I actually work in drug treatment and I work with transitional aged youth. I have had a horrible career. I get fired from most jobs. I'm still trying to balance that ego, humility. Don't you know who I am? Yes, you know who I am. This is horrible. And a couple years ago, I started a job at a place called Sober College and I found my home. I found the place that, um, I would learn to develop all the skills I needed to, to become a really good therapist, um, and a good coworker and a good employee. Um, I remember the day it happened when I decided just to do what my boss asked, who's amazing. It was amazeballs. Amazeballs, that's okay. Um, and I remember calling my sponsor and going, I did what my boss told me to do. This is incredible. I feel so good. Um, but I have trauma from work. That's the reality. I like to joke that I have PTSD from supervision and bosses. Um, I know it's me. I know some of them have a part in it, but I know it's me. And, um, pretty much for two and a half years, I've come home from this job. Most of the time telling my sponsor, I'm probably gonna get fired today. Um, I'm getting a review. I'm probably gonna get fired. I'm probably gonna, they're going to take money away. Um, so this time last year, they gave me a supervisor position and gave me a raise. Unheard of. Um, and about five months ago, they took away the title and my poor little ego suffered, but they didn't take the money and they took a lot of the responsibility away. And I had a moment of clarity. My ego wants the title, but I love having the same money and less work. And that was a huge awakening of how I get in my own way when my ego takes over. So long and short of it is on Tuesday of this week, we were told our company was closing and we are devastated. Um, we, um, employ about a hundred people had about 65 transitional age youth clients, um, and have to place them all with them by June 30th. Um, so the fear starts again, the panic starts, who's going to want me. I have not proven myself. And, um, and I'm just sharing this because this is, I've been, I've been in tears all day about this. Um, I was headhunted for a position that's beyond anything I would ever expect for me. Um, I asked for a recommendation letter from our psychiatrist. Um, and I figured he'd just do a basic, you know, he wrote me a one and a half page letter. Um, I could be president with this letter if you know what I'm saying. Well, not, not now. Um, but I have been sitting all day wondering how this happened and wondering how this person observed these things in me when I didn't observe them in myself. And, um, and I've just been teary all day. Um, I've been working all day trying to place our clients the best way I can. Um, um, and I am, I'm a spiritual person today. I understand when to stop talking. I understand when to listen. My favorite prayer is God put one hand over my shoulder and, and the other over my mouth. And it works. It's the simplest prayer I know that gets me to where I need to be. Um, am I leaving something out, honey? I feel like I'm leaving something out. I'm amazing. Yes. Um, what? I left the cussing out. That is amazing. That really is. Um, so um, I'm off to find another job with the intention of actually getting a raise. That doesn't happen for this alcoholic. This alcoholic is usually desperate and usually willing to take crumbs and scraps. And today I don't have to take crumbs and scraps. And it's not because of me. It's because of Alcoholics Anonymous and what you guys have taught me to do. I learned how to say good morning in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I grew up in a family where we just hit each other. And to be able to say good morning to people, walk into a meeting good morning and smile, would you like some coffee, was foreign to me. So if you don't think Alcoholics Anonymous changed lives, you haven't quite gotten the miracle yet. So please stick around until you do. Thanks.