Ninth Step Forgiveness Gave Me Back the Sons My Drinking Nearly Destroyed – Polly P.

Hi, everybody. My name is Polly Pistol, and I'm an alcoholic. By God's grace, in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven't had a drink since April the 11th of 1977, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Thank you. Class of 77. I have a home group, and that's the West Connett Group in Jacksonville, Florida, and we meet on Monday night at 8 o'clock. And if you're ever in Jacksonville, Florida, please give Dave or I a call. We're in the phone book. When you get sober, you can be in the phone book. So just give us a call, and we'll take you to a meeting. We'd love to share our home group with you. I have a sponsor, and my sponsor has a sponsor. And those are the things that I need to be a member in good standing in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. There are not words to thank you for allowing me to be at your conference. Dave and I moved to Florida a year and a half ago, so I am a Floridian. And we absolutely love it, and I was invited here before that transpired. But at any rate, I'm delighted to be here. I thank Mike for originally inviting me, and to Tommy and his committee, and this wonderful, wonderful group of people, and Pat for being my hostess. And... I just am so grateful to be a member of this weekend, and to be able to be one of your speakers. What an honor. What an honor. And I want to thank whoever had anything to do with the basket. Beautiful, beautiful basket. So thank you. Thank you so much. That's wonderful. And this weekend, I'm with heroes. Just absolute heroes that I love so much. And Alcoholics Anonymous. And Liz, especially. I haven't seen you in so long. And it's just such an honor to be here. And I'm just looking around at Karen, my God, Karen and I have been friends. And it's just... And Dick, we get to hang out almost every weekend. And it's just... You just get to come to these places, and you get to see old friends. And you just get to share with each other. And my God. Thank you. My God, are we lucky. I mean, here we are. Look at this place. And we're drunks. I mean, look at this place. This is where rich people hang out. I mean, good. I'm just so excited. And my husband's here. Davy Doo, stand up. That's the love of my life. And he and I are going to do traditions and relationships tomorrow. And we'll show you how we've managed to stay married for 32 years. And two Alkies hooked up together. So, I mean, life's a trip. I am so happy that I get to be sober. I'm here with women I sponsor. I'm getting to... I mean, I just look out there, and I think, how blessed. How much more blessed do you get? And I've got... I just have people here that I've known forever and ever. And I'm just so grateful that I get to share in this whole convention with you. So thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to be here. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that I should share in a general way what it used to be like, what happened, and what I'm trying to be like today. And I'm going to do that to the very best of my ability. I want to start off by telling you I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. And there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for this program. And today, with 35 years of sobriety, I am busier in AA than I have ever been. I sponsor more people than I've ever sponsored, and I'm into more service than I've ever been into. And there is a really, really selfish reason for all of that. And the reason is, at 35 years of sobriety, I have so much love. I have so much to lose. I love my life. And everything I have in my life, everything, the respect of my children, the love of my husband, everything, friends, every, every, everything I have in my life, I owe to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because if I were not sober, I would have none of that. And you ask, you know, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that God makes easy terms for us. All He asks is, I give you the grace of sobriety, now just go help somebody, in the words of Frank Honeycutt. Just go help somebody. That's all you have to do. That's all you have to do in order to keep this amazing gift. And work those 12 steps. I mean, you know, I've heard this said in rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, if this were an AIDS conference, and all they said you had to do to live and to be free and happy is work some steps and go help another person who has AIDS, you couldn't, I mean, we'd be busting the seams. That's all we have to do in order to have this beautiful life and to survive a disease that the book of Alcoholics Anonymous calls hopeless of mind and body. The other thing is, is that I'm living, breathing proof that you can be a real alcoholic as described in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and not come from the disease of alcoholism. Now, I have heard in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, that if you take an alcoholic's family tree and an alcoholic will fall out. Now, if that's true, then that would be my mother's father. Because he was the only one in our family who drank. Now, I do not ever recall him being the kind of alcoholic I am. But he was the only one that drank. So, what I know is that there, I believe with all my heart, that there is a genetic component to the disease of alcoholism because I seem to produce little alcoholics. So, I believe that there, you know, that there very possibly could be a genetic component to alcoholism. I have a theory that I'll never know if this theory is correct, but I have a theory. I believe if my dad had taken a drink of alcohol, he would have been an alcoholic. Because my dad was restless, irritable, and discontent. And he was a man that was full of rage. And I know today that he was totally and completely powerless over that rage. Because you see, I would look at him and I would say, I'm never going to be like you. Because I hated his rage. And you know what? I'm worse. I was worse. My father never hurt me. But my rage terrified my little boys. And they were terrified of me and my alcoholism. And I was raised Southern Baptist. Now, it's no problem to talk about Southern Baptist and Florida, because you guys get it. Now, not everybody always gets that. And I was raised in Texas, just where they took the Bible Belt and gave it an extra pull. And so, what I heard as a little girl is, Thou shalt not drink. My parents heard, Thou shalt not drink. And they didn't. So to me, I have this theory that the only difference between me and my dad is he forgot to take a drink. Because I believe that everything else was there. That's what I believe. Now, whether that's true or not, I don't know. Because I'll never be able to prove that. But what I know is, is that it seems to me like he suffered from the agony of this disease. And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that alcohol is but a symptom. We have to get down to the causes and conditions. So I don't know. We'll never know that. I am a love child. I do not have any kind of abuse in my background. Now, did I come from, you know, Father Knows Best and Donna Reed? No, I didn't. What had happened for me is, is that both of my parents are abused children. And just like an alcoholic and an Al-Anon, my parents found each other. And all they ever wanted was to have a family. And what they wanted to do was give that family everything they didn't have. And what happened was, is that the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that we cannot give that which we do not have. And I am an only child loved and adored by my parents. And they try to instill all kinds of self-worth and self-esteem. But you see, they didn't have any to share with me. They didn't have any. And, you know, I'm so grateful today that I understand and I know that. I don't know if any of you got to hear Pat's talk. She substituted for you, Karen. She did a great job. And Pat was talking to us about the ninth step. And she was talking about forgiveness. And one of the things that she said, and I believe this with all my heart, because Chuck Chamberlain says it, Sandy Bee says it, and that was that everybody's doing the best they can. And some of us have tragedy in our lives. Absolute tragedy. But the forgiveness, the being able to do the ninth step in the forgiveness, is the grace, is the total and complete grace of what happens. And some of us, you know, some of us go to our graves. Some people, people we love, people maybe we're angry at, they go to their graves and they never knew what they did. They never knew what they did. And that's the best they can do. And I'm so grateful today because she kept saying, these steps are for my freedom and my forgiveness and my letting them be who and whatever they are, even though it might have caused me harm. And what happened is, is I had some of that in my life. But I am so grateful for this program. And if any of you are questioning doing a ninth step, one of the things I, because my dad, I used to, I just, everything about him I didn't want to be because he was so angry and rage-ridden. And today, I am so grateful to this program. I am so grateful to the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous because what happened is, my dad died when I was a year sober. And thank God for the, I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and they said, do the steps. Don't wait around. Don't do a step a month, a step a year, or whatever the steps, you know, do the steps. And what happened was, is I had the opportunity to make amends to my father before he died. And I'll be forever, ever grateful for that. Because what happened was, is that I could, I, all of that stuff that happened, all of those things that I remember, and you know, this was a good man. What I didn't, but I would always, I'm a real alcoholic. I just remember the bad stuff. I couldn't remember the good stuff. And what happened is, is today all of the bad stuff just becomes my experience. And all the good stuff is the memories. And that's because of a ninth step. And the grace, the absolute grace of forgiveness. And it doesn't matter to my dad. Well, who it matters to is me. I'm the one who's free because of the gift of forgiveness. And I'm so grateful for that. When I was 18 years old, well, let me just put another thing I want to always say up front too. Is that today I know what's wrong with me. I have the disease of alcoholism. And the big book, and Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that the disease of alcoholism is a spiritual malady. And because of the disease of alcoholism, you can't love me enough, you can't give me enough, you can't do enough for me. Because you see, if I'm suffering from a spiritual malady, there simply is not enough. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that if I am suffering from a spiritual malady, I am separated from the sunshine of the spirit. I am so grateful today that I know what's wrong with me. Because if I'm suffering from a spiritual malady, I got a solution. And that's a loving God. That all he asks from me is to stay close to him and perform his works well. That's all he asks. Just to stay close to him and perform his works well. When I was 18 years old, I married an Air Force officer. And I just knew that I had found my knight in shining armor and we were going to sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Now I had married a sack pilot. And this man was going to be gone for years at a time. And I was going to have to learn to be responsible for myself. And I'm telling you, I'm southern born and raised. And I don't know where I got any of these ideas of what I thought men and women ought to do, because I definitely was not raised like that. My mother worked. I'm 71 years old. I promise you, when I was a little girl, very few mothers worked. They didn't. They stayed home. And I was a latchkey kid before it was ever popular. So I don't know where I got this idea. But somehow or another, I thought men were put on earth to take care of women. And I just thought, if I have money, mansions, and men, I'll be perfect. Now I have no idea where I got all that. And the other thing is, I love what Clancy says. He says that we're people who have to be treated special just to feel average. And if you don't treat us special, then we feel rejected. And I'm one of these women that, I come from Texas, and I bet they do this in Florida too, I puff up. Anybody puff up? And the deal is, is somebody will say, Polly, because you know, I'm going to give you this body language and all this stuff, that something's wrong. And I'm going to make you real uncomfortable. I'm not going to say anything, okay? And somebody's going to say, Polly, what's wrong? Nothing. But the reality is, if you don't find out what's wrong with me, and you don't make me happy, then you don't love me. That's a self-centered person. And that's who I am. And I marry an Air Force officer that's going to go off and he's going to be going and he's going to be gone for years at a time. And somehow or another, I'm going to have to learn to be responsible for myself. And I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. What happened for me is, is that I ended up, first of all, when I was about two weeks married, and we're in a place called Mather Air Force Base in Sacramento, California. And I had an AA meeting on that base now. It's not an Air Force base anymore, but they have an AA meeting there now. And I thought, oh my God, I get to go back there. But what in a different capacity. But what happened for me is, I get this little invitation in the mail. And it's from the base commander's wife. And the invitation has a big red mandatory stamped on it. And I am invited to a coffee. And all of us, so here I go to this coffee. I am absolutely terrified. Now, I am one of these people. I'm standing behind this podium tonight. Or this morning. This afternoon. When am I standing behind this podium? Whatever. At any rate, I, because Alcoholics Anonymous asked me to do it. And I've always done whatever AA asked me to do. But I'm not, I was not a person who did this easily. I'm the kind of person that is absolutely terrified to stand up in front of people in any capacity. When I was a little girl, if I had to give a report, or a book report, or anything like that in school, I literally got sick. I mean, it wasn't made up, it was sick. Because I couldn't bear to stand up in front of people, I was so self-conscious. So self-conscious about myself. Well, I know today that that's another form of self, you know, of being selfish and self-seeking and full of self and all of the self, self, self stuff we get. But what happens is, is I, I just knew, I'm going to go meet these women. They're educated. I'm 18 years old. I'm not educated. These women are sophisticated. They're going to be, I'm just overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. I am not going to be able to function in this, in this whole arena. And I knew that these women were going to be everything that I wasn't. And I go to this, I go to this coffee, and all of us little second lieutenant's wives are sitting out there, and this lady stands up at a podium, much like I'm doing this afternoon, and she begins to tell us what we're going to do to enhance our husband's career. How we're going to have the right dinner parties. We're going to go to the right dinner parties. We will dress appropriately. We'll wear the right length gloves. All the things that we're going to do in order to support him and enhance him. And I'm just standing there thinking, I can't do this. I am a hick from Texas. I don't even know where the forks go. And I'm going to be supposed to do this? And I was just overwhelmed with fear and feelings of inadequacy. And two weeks later, there is an Air Force officer's wives luncheon. Of which, of course, it is expected of me to attend this. Now, I haven't had a drink of alcohol yet. But at this luncheon is a fountain. And I'll tell you, my first drink was really wimpy. It was sherry. And it's in this fountain. And it's coming out this fountain. And all of these ladies are putting their glass up under the fountain. And I put my glass up under the fountain. And what had happened was, is in that Baptist church, they had told me that people who drank are bad. And these weren't bad people. These were good people. And I put my glass up under the fountain. And I took a drink of alcohol. Now, I don't remember anything specific happening that day. I don't remember instantly turning into Rita Hayworth. All I know is, is that it had felt like, I must be doing, what's going on? I thought maybe I wasn't. I'm okay? But what happened was, I felt like that I had been holding my breath for 18 years. Just, and it, what happened is, I just seemed to be able to take a breath. Just be able to breathe. And just kind of relax a little bit. Just kind of, oh my gosh. And see, I didn't even know that what would happen is that 18 years later, I'd walk into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and they'd hand me a big book of alcohol, called the big book of AA, give me a big book. And in that big book would be the doctor's opinion. And in the doctor's opinion, it would tell me that alcohol gives me that feeling of ease and comfort. And that's what alcohol did for me. Alcohol gave me that feeling of ease and comfort. I'm not a bar drinker. I didn't go out and do any of those kind of things. None of that is part of my story. In fact, when I came to AA, that was really embarrassing. I mean, I wanted a story. I mean, I have a woman who slept, that I sponsored, that slept with a one-legged minister. I mean, those are the kind of things I wanted in my story. You know, I have, I have a son in the rooms, who's sober in the rooms, and he says, you know, he's about to get divorced. But he said, I've never been divorced. I've never been arrested. I've never been to treatment. You know, none of, I mean, when you don't, when you have those things in your story, it's embarrassing if you're in AA. You know, that is just embarrassing. And all my affairs, I did sober. I didn't do any of that drinking. So, I mean, you know, it's just like, I just didn't have that kind of story. My story is, is that I stayed home and drank and died on my living room sofa. And the tragedy of that is, the tragedy is that I am an alcoholic mom, and I had two little boys. And my two little boys have suffered the consequences of living like that. And I am so grateful that I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and my first AA spot happened to have been a man. Now, I know that we talk about men sponsor men, and women sponsor women. I tell you, when I got here, I didn't know all your rules. And what happened is, is my first AA sponsor was a man. He had happened to be a Monsignor priest who had left the priesthood to marry an Asian woman. He was an only child, and he was a captain in the Navy. And I'll tell you what, that was the magic. That happened for me. Because what happened was, is I had a resentment against the Air Force. I knew that that was, you know, had to be my problem. The Baptist Church had to be my problem. And being an only child had to be my problem. All of these things, and all of these things, Frank was, as well as me. And I mean, even to a further degree, because he was a priest. And you know, I don't know about you, but I'm one of these people that if something horrible is happening in my life, it is the worst in my life. Because you see, I'm a drama queen. And if it's happening to me, it's horrible. If it's happening to you, I'm sorry. And that's the truth. But it was beautiful that I had him. And what happened was, Frank did not give me watered down AA. And when I gave my fifth step to Frank, he looked at me and he said, Polly, you are a child abuser. And you're going to go to those boys, and you're going to make amends. And the thing about it is, is that I know that there are a lot of people who've had some horrific things happen to them as children. My sons have had horrific things happen to them by their mother. And I am their mother. And I am so grateful for this program. And I'm so grateful for these steps. And I'm so grateful for the gift of forgiveness. Because I've done what this program asked me to do. And what happens is, is today, I have a relationship with my sons. Which is beyond my greatest expectations. And the thing about it is, is I loved my children. I absolutely loved my children. And what would happen is, is I had one son who was an athlete, and another son who was a musician. And I would promise them, I would say, I'll be at your concert. I'll be at your game. But what would happen is, is I would take a drink of alcohol. And then I would be powerless over the results of that. And they would come home. And they would find me passed out on the sofa. And then I'd look at that little face at the end of the sofa. And they would say, Mom, you promised. And I would get angry. And say, can't you see I'm sick? You know, all you think about is yourself. Don't you see me? To that little child. That's a disease of alcoholism. That's the family disease of alcoholism. And my children were traumatized by that disease. My son James, he is an AA. And he talks about being a little boy. Maybe nine or ten years old. And by this time I cannot put my kids to bed at night. And give them a good night kiss. And tell them to sleep tight. Or any of that kind of stuff. I cannot feed them breakfast to get them off to school in the morning. They must set an alarm. And get themselves up. Because they already know they can't count on their mother to get them up. And this morning, my son comes into the kitchen. And he sees his mother passed out on the kitchen floor with a drink spilled. And he talks about, this is the reality of a nine year old boy. Of a little boy. Nine years old. And he looks at his mother. He steps over. He steps over me. He gets his cereal, his milk. Steps back over me. Sits down. Totally close to me. And eats his breakfast. And feels nothing. Gets up and gets his self dressed. And goes to school. That's what happens. In alcoholic families. And that's what has happened with my sons. And by doing something I never ever believed would work. Is when Frank told me, you go make amends to those boys. And I did. I did it because I was told to do it. And I wanted sobriety so desperately. I would have done anything he asked me to do. And I did that. And by doing so, that day, he told me, I was to ask them, after I made amends, I was to ask them if they had anything to say to me. And what, and they could tell me anything they needed to tell me. For me to make it right. Well, my sons were 14 and 16 years old at that time. And I will assure you, they were angry. And what they did that day, is they had a lot to say to me. And Frank told me, I was only allowed to say one thing. And what I was allowed to say is, I'm so sorry that that happened to you. And I promise you, I will be the very best mom I can be for the rest of my life. And by God's grace, in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been able to do that. I have been able to do that. And I am so grateful for this program. Because today, I have a relationship, I have a relationship with my sons that is beyond my greatest expectation. And for that, I am so grateful. And again, I'm just so grateful for the gift of forgiveness. I'm so grateful. I'll do a fifth step with the women I sponsor. And most of the time, when I'm doing that, I'll always have them put mom on the list first. Everybody's mad at mom. And so I'll have them put mom on the list first. And they'll begin to tell me some really horrific things about their mom. And what happens is, which is the gift of AA, because the book says that every experience we have is a gift because we can help somebody else with it. I mean, I could never believe what being a child abuser could be a gift. But what I can do is, is I can put my arms around that little woman or that woman who is in so much pain and I can say, honey, I'm your mother. And she can look at me and say, how could you be my mother? Look at you. And I said, well, your mother may not have the gift of sobriety that I have. AA did this. One time, James and I were talking together in San Jose, California. And after he got through talking, this lady came up to me and she said, oh my God, look at him. Look what you've done with him. I said, me? AA did that. You should have seen him when I had him. You know, it was, you know, that's it. AA does this. AA. And some of the people that we live with don't get this gift. They don't have this gift. They don't know about a spiritual awakening. They don't know about this huge God that we have. They just don't know. They don't know. I'm going to tell you a little, some stuff that brought me to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. What happened for me is, is that I ended up having a car wreck in Irving, Texas, right where the Dallas Cowboys play football. And I always like to say that because friends of mine are Dallas Cowboy fans. And I ended up having a car wreck. I'm a blackout drinker. I ended up calling the police, telling the police that my car had been stolen. And so here comes my husband and the police, and I'm taken to the Irving police station. And I get to see that look in the non-alcoholic's eyes that just don't understand why we do the things we do. And this policeman looked at my husband with so much disgust and he said, why don't you just take her home and sober her up? And on the way home, my husband said, Polly, there's a treatment center and it's not far from our house and I wish you would go. And what happened is, I entered treatment that night. And this was not a fancy jitter joint. This was a seven-day detox, county detox. And what happened in there is I loved what they introduced us to. I loved going to the meetings. They took us to a bunch of meetings. People came in and talked to us. I loved it. I loved the laughter. I loved, I love Alcoholics Anonymous. But there was just something down inside of me that said, Polly, people like you just don't become alcoholic. And what happened was, is that I ended up having a jitter house romance. You know, where sick falls in love with sick and you walk off into happy destiny. And we stayed sober for 58 days. And I was 12-stepped by Frank, who would be my first AA sponsor, out of a motel room in Euless, Texas. And I was taken back to that treatment center more dead than alive. And I had been beaten up in numerous and sundry other things. And I reached that place in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that talks about pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Because now I knew what the problem was. The problem was sobriety. I love to hear Clancy talk about alcoholism. I love it. Because he talks about what it's like sober if you're an alcoholic and you don't have AA. And you don't have the 12 steps and the 12 traditions and the 12 concepts. He talks about that. And what happened for me is I didn't really understand. I didn't understand about all that. All I knew was that sober, I couldn't stand who I was. I couldn't stand the mother I was. The daughter I was. The wife I was. I couldn't stand who I was. And what happened for me is when that seven days was up, I got a bottle of scotch and I got a bottle of Allium and I checked into a motel. I don't believe that there's anybody in this room who doesn't have an angel in your life. And that someone who leads us to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I had such an angel in my life. And what happened was is she said something came over her that day. And today I know what that something was. That was God working in my life through her. And she drove around until she found my car parked outside this motel. And I hadn't shut the, I had just closed the door. It hadn't latched. And she pushed the door open. And on April the 8th of 1977, I was pronounced dead on arrival in a hospital in Bedford, Texas. I got the most excited thing that happened to me a few months ago. And Dave and I got to speak at Gathering of Eagles. And we both got sober in Dallas. But what happened for me is is that I got to meet a man who had come to Center Hospital, brought meetings, took me to meetings in the hospital van and all of that good stuff. And I just felt, you know, here we are, 35 years later. And I get to, I get to experience that again. And he says, I remember you. And he probably didn't, but he made me feel good that he told me he did. You know, and it's just, it's just those fabulous things that get to happen to us. And at any rate, I ended up in this psychiatric hospital. And 1977 wasn't a bit different than 2012. If you try to commit suicide, it gets the attention of the authorities. And you're going to be put on a 72-hour hold. And I was put on a 72-hour hold, which was enough time for my husband to obtain a court order from a Fort Worth judge that I was a detriment to myself and others and I was court committed to treatment. And I don't tell this very often, but sometimes when I remember it, I do and I just remembered it. And he picked me up at that psychiatric hospital and in full alcoholic performance, I said, well, if this is the last drink I'm going to ever have, looks like I ought to be able to drink on the way to treatment. Where do we get this stuff? You know, you cannot make this up. And he got a bottle of vodka, got a pint of vodka, stopped at a liquor store, handed it to him. He said, suck on this. And you know, and off to treatment I go. And I've been so grateful to what's happened to me. And I'm so grateful for that intervention. I hear people, I've been in treatment three times, and I hear things like, you know, well, that's a $15,000 or $20,000 big book. Well, if it was, I don't, you know, all I can say is, I don't know what, you know, I don't know what God's will is for you. I'm just glad he put me there. Because all I know is, is thanks to what happened there, I'm here today. And I don't know, you know, I've been in treatment three times. Whose treatment center worked? I don't know. None of them worked. But it worked. But it got me sober long enough to be an AA. That's all I can say. They took me to enough meetings, enough people came in there and brought meetings. Enough happened that whatever took place is instead of thinking people like me don't become alcoholic, I caught alcoholism. And for that, I am eternally grateful. While I was in that treatment center, two things had happened. One is, is that I had been put in a detox room. Now, I had detoxed twice before. And as soon as I was getting a little uncomfortable, I was running to the nurse's station that I needed my tablets. And what happened was, is the director of that program said, Pauline, not this time. He said, there's a shot of Dilantin and I won't let you die. But you need to find out how sick you really are. And I'll be forever grateful for that. Because four days later, I walked out of that detox room with pear pulled out of my head and scratches, scratch bugs and stuff off of me. And I screamed at him. And I said, you know, I hate you. How could you ever treat anybody the way you just treated me? And he took my shoulders with as much love as I have ever seen. I can still see his face. And he said, Pauline, if you make it, you'll love me. If you don't, it really doesn't matter. And I know that sometimes we get our back up in Alcoholics Anonymous because some sponsor says something to us we don't want to hear. And all I can say to you is, if you make it, you'll love us. If you don't, it really doesn't matter. And while I was in Center Hospital, the surrender I made is, is I just said, God, if you'll get me sober and keep me sober, whatever you want me to do, I'll do it. And I can't even believe, I thought I was doing some great thing for God. I had no idea what God was getting ready to do for me. Absolutely. I'm one of these people that when I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I did a lot of stuff I was told to do. I went to meetings. I was of service. I swept floors. I made coffee. I did whatever I was supposed to do. I was told, if you have 15 minutes more than the newcomer, share that 15 minutes. Now somewhere, it might have been said to me, I don't know, but I didn't get the part of no relationships for the first year. Because I probably was 20 minutes sober when I started having relationships. And what happened for me is I had to hit a bottom in Alcoholics Anonymous that was more devastating than the bottom, or not more, but as devastating as the bottom I had hit behind alcohol and drugs. And that was behind relationships and sex. And it absolutely devastated me. And even worse is that I just started sharing this and it just ended up coming out in a meeting and for whatever reason it's been necessary from that point to this for me to share that. That what happened for me because of taking actions that put myself in a position to be harmed is that I ended up two years sober sitting in an abortion clinic with 16-year-olds. That's what happened to me. Now, I know I sponsor a lot of people, a lot of women, and most all of these women may or may not have had an abortion. But a lot of them have. So, but for some reason, see the drama queen again, I thought it was worse because I was sober. For me to have had an abortion sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And what has happened is that any time that you think that you're afraid to share something that's really horrible, that maybe you might share that. Because since I have been sharing that, women have walked up to me and have told me I have not even been able to tell my sponsor that secret. It is so horrible. And it's all because it seems like when we do it drinking there's some kind of excuse. And that's not true. That we have. But when we do this behavior sober, it's somehow, you know, it takes on a whole different thing. And it does. Because we're sober. The shame is greater. The shame is greater. For me it was greater. But at any rate, I know today that the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that my deep dark past is my greatest asset. That's what I have. Because the only thing I can share with you is my experience. That's it. I got lots of opinions. Lots of them. But the only thing that I can really share with any authenticity is my experience. My experience with my past, my experience with the steps, my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what I have to share. And one of the things that I think is absolutely amazing is when I can do it. And you know what? It's just my experience. I don't have to have any icky feelings about it. I guess it is my experience. Because what has happened is, is that I have been forgiven. God has forgiven me. And thank God, most of man has forgiven me. Certainly my children have. Which is the most important thing. The grace. We all get to sit here in grace. The grace that we give because we're God's kids and we're forgiven. I've known Dave since I was six months sober. And what happened was is that Dave, I didn't have an affair with Dave. I just told him about it all. And he was like my best bud. And he sponsored a lot of the men that I'd had those affairs with. So Dave knew more about me than he needed to. But when I was three and a half years sober, Dave said, Polly, I'm in love with you. And I don't want to have an affair with you. I want to marry you. And I'll be forever grateful. I'll be forever grateful. And Dave and I, you know, God willing and the creek don't rise, come October the 26th, October the 27th, we'll be married for 32 years. And I'll tell you, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that if we stay spiritually fit, or if we stay close to Him, that great events will come to pass. That's the great fact for us all. And I'll tell you, having the forgiveness of my children, having a man who loves me for 32 years and I love with all my heart, is a great event who's come to pass. To have the privilege for women to ask me to sponsor them, ask me, listen to their stuff, trust me, with their most intimate things. One of the things that happens is is when we get married, we learn about intimacy. And you know something folks, it doesn't have anything to do with sex. It's intimacy. I will share me with you. And you see, I'm an alcoholic. And if I share me with you, I don't know, maybe you won't like me if you know the truth. And of course, one of the most wonderful men in the world, those of you who can remember, is a man by the name of Albert Myers. And Albert used to say, I'm addicted to approval. And you know what, I'm addicted to approval. But what happens is, is that it's becoming more and more necessary the longer I stay sober, that I be pleasing to God, and I know today, if I'm pleasing to God, I'm pleasing to you. And if I'm not pleasing to you, it's none of my business. It is absolutely none of my business. And Frank Honeycutt used to say to me, Polly, what people think of you is none of your business. But your very life depends on what you think of them. And I have had this opportunity to have intimacy. My first intimacy was with my sponsor. That's who I became intimate with first. Then I became intimate with the women I sponsor. That's where I learned how to share all the way down into the gut. And say things and tell people things I never was going to tell another human being. And today, I get to share that kind of intimacy and a relationship and a marriage that God has allowed me to have. And I sometimes, I have to pinch myself that I've been married to this man for 32 years. Because the big book, I mean in the 12 and 12, it says that we are people who are incapable of conducting a meaningful relationship with another human being. We're people who can't do that. And I get to do that. And I get to have this relationship with my sons. And I get to have five grandchildren that absolutely adore me. Those are the things that AA has given me. AA has given me everything I ever wanted. When I was six and a half years sober, my youngest son called me on the phone and he says, Mom, I want what you have. And I'll tell you, six and a half years before that, I was supposed to attend a function at his school. And he said, Don't you dare show up at my school because I am ashamed of you. And one of the things that James says over and over, and he says it in his talk, he said, I knew Alcoholics Anonymous worked because I saw the transformation in my mother. So you know, we never know when we're the only copy of the big book anybody ever reads. And I'm really grateful for that today. And I have five grandchildren, and I'm telling you, I'm a great grandma. I'm a roller coaster riding grandma. And I have so much fun with my grandkids. It's absolutely amazing. Dave and I, in the last 32 years, in the last 36 and 35 years that we've been sober, life's been in session. You know, stuff happens to people whether you're in AA or not. Life just is life. And it happens. And Dave and I have been through the life stuff. We've had our oldest son Mike died when he was 42 years old. So we lost a child. All four of our kids are alcoholics and drug addicts. And today, they're all sober. And that's a miracle. Absolute miracle. They're all sober. A couple of them were a little slow getting here, but they're all sober. So that's the amazing thing. They're all sober. Dave and I have been through back in 1993 when an economy very similar to this. Dave lost his job. We ended up foreclosing on our house. And back then, you got six weeks of unemployment, not two years or whatever we get now, which is wonderful because that didn't happen then. And Dave ended up working two minimum wage jobs. And we ended up losing our home, filing bankruptcy, and doing a whole lot of stuff that's really embarrassed if you're trying to be a big deal in AA. It was really embarrassing. But what I know today is that it's part of my experience. And I just want you to know if any of you are having those kind of issues right now, that there's life after all of that. There's life after all of that. And God is so huge that he'll bring us through it all. He'll absolutely bring us through it all. And I'm one of these people in AA, I love to read anything I can get on Bill Wilson because Bill Wilson suffered depression so bad. And I'm a person that has that problem. I have suffered depression. But I tell you what, I found the antidote for depression. And it's called working with another alcoholic. All I know is that's what works for me. You see, I was always waiting for you to give it to me. But what I know today is the more I give to you, the more I get. And sometimes I'll tell you I'm not spiritual at all. My phone will ring for the 30th time that day and I don't want to answer it. Don't they know how busy I am? Don't they know how many calls I've taken? But what happens is I'll take again what I love I heard from Clancy, an action contrary to the way I feel. And I'll pick up that phone and I'll answer it. And there'll be a woman on the other end of that. And I am so grateful that I get to hear her voice. And then instantly it changes my whole attitude. Because I am so grateful that God has given me the keys to the kingdom. He has allowed me to work with another alcoholic. And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us we can help when nobody else can. You know, we're in the business of saving lives here. And all we do, the way we save lives is is to tell somebody how we live. That's amazing. We don't have to lay hands on them or anything. We just have to share our experience, strength and hope. And it's amazing. It's what they'll look at and say, oh my God, if you can stay sober, anybody can stay sober. I can stay sober. And that's what we've got. We've got this gift of being able to help another alcoholic when nobody else can. And what we get in return for all that sacrifice is the keys to the kingdom. Thank you God for Alcoholics Anonymous. God bless you.