Never Trusted Women Until My Tuesday Night Sisters Became the Family I Never Had — Kat H.

Let's have an A.A. meeting. Hey everybody, my name's John, I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluechipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded. To say yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing. We have someone that's going to introduce our speaker tonight, and for that I'll give you Frank. Let's get Frank around the clock. Way to go, Frank. I'm Frank Waters, and I'm a recovered alcoholic. And I'm here to introduce Cat. In case anybody didn't know who Cat is, he soon will. Share our stories in a general way. Okay. She's going to come from the heart. That's the only way she knows how to talk. So anybody poking fun or fingers or comments at Cat, I'm your next sponsor. With that, I've known her since she, almost since she came in the first day. Maybe a couple months old when I first met her. And I've known her ever since. Like I said, she's going to come from the heart, so be considerate of that. Come on, baby. Hey, y'all. I'm Cat. I'm an alcoholic. I bring notes because I'm one of these that, you know, I'm like shiny things. Ooh, and I go another direction. I also bring tissue because I'm known to cry all the time. So with that, my sobriety date is May 22, 2010. I was born here in Atlanta. I was born at Piedmont Hospital. Grew up in Buckhead. I'm a true Atlanta native. For those of you who are from like Peachtree City or Noonan or something, you're not an Atlanta native. Hate to tell you that. So I was pretty much a daddy's girl when I was growing up. You know, I had him wrapped around my pinky. I could get whatever I wanted from him. And I didn't have any siblings for the first nine years. So I was the daughter as well as the son. So, like, I would get a Tonka truck. Or, you know, things like that instead of getting, well, I did get Barbies. But I never played with them. So I grew up with my parents. They would always have parties. Like oyster parties, Fourth of July parties. And so drinking was always around me. I never considered it any different. When, I think the first taste of alcohol I ever had, I was about four years old. And it was at one of the keg parties. And I drank from the keg. And, I mean, everybody was getting their drinks from there. So I figured I might as well try it. I don't really remember a lot, obviously. But that was my first try of alcohol. At nine years old, my little brother was born. I had begged my parents to have a kid. I always wanted a sibling. And so I remember the day that they told me. I was sitting in the den watching TV. And my dad's like, Catherine, come here. So I was like, oh, shit, I'm in trouble. So I walk in the kitchen. I walk all the way around to the other side of the kitchen table. And they're both, like, leaning up against the counter. And my dad goes, Catherine, in January, there is going to be a new member of the family. I looked at mom, like, what the fuck is he talking about? And so mom goes, what your father's trying to say is I'm pregnant. And so, like, I jumped up, ran over, gave her a huge hug. And then I was like, oh, my god, I don't want to hurt the baby. She's like, Catherine, it's the size of a pea right now. And so I was in the delivery room when he was born. It's a great form of birth control for those of you who haven't had kids. It's, you know, gross. It was, my mom was in labor for 26 hours. And I was there for the majority of it. I did nap on and off. But I was afraid that I was going to miss it. And so I held him when he was probably, like, five minutes old. And, you know, he's been a very important part of my life. I'm very protective of him. And he's very protective of me. A few months after he was born in that summer, I think I had my first seizure. And I'm epileptic. I have seizures. I've had them since I was nine. It's completely controlled by medication. But pretty much my mom was dealing with a newborn. And then she was dealing with a child who had epilepsy. And so it was kind of like she never knew what was going on. I got on medication and it didn't work. Obviously, I finally wanted the right medication. But when my brother was born, that's kind of when my relationship with my dad changed. And I'd never really realized that until getting sober. Because I was too focused on, you know, this is my brother. This is my baby. You can't mess with him. I'm going to change his diapers. I'm going to feed him. Not you. Stay away. So I didn't really realize that my dad was, like, all involved with my brother's sports. And, you know, doing all this stuff. He didn't really show up to anything that I did. I mean, I played piano for... Probably about 90 years. And he probably came to, like, two recitals. Whereas with my brother, he went to all the practices, all the football games, you know. But I didn't really realize that it was an issue until I got older. When I started having my seizures, that's kind of when I started feeling different. Because, you know, I was the one that, you know, would fall out in the middle of school or whatever having a seizure. And so I would try. And, you know, joke about it. And go up to people. And I'd be like, look, I'm having a seizure. And, you know, I got in trouble for that, obviously. But that was another difficult part of my life. Because, you know, I didn't want to be different. I wanted to be like these other kids. You know, I wanted to be able to play sports and all this stuff. And until they had my medication and until they really had my everything under control, I couldn't, you know, I couldn't really do anything. I was kind of like in a protective bubble. You know what I mean? In high school, you know, I tried everything once. I tried, you know, doing flag core. I tried doing volleyball. I tried doing, you know, you name it, I tried it. I was a wrestler at, and I didn't wrestle. I was like a bat maid. I took the score. I did, you name it, I pretty much did it. But I couldn't do it perfectly. And so I quit. You know, so it was kind of like I don't, if I can't do it perfectly, why even bother? Why continue trying? It's not, I don't know. It's just I can't be perfect at it right off the bat. You know, why even bother practicing or, you know, things like that. In high school, I didn't really, I drank. But my mom and I had a very close relationship. My mom and I still do. You know, she was very honest with me. She went to school during. She went to college during Vietnam. And so she smoked pot and she did opium and hash. And we were very open about that. At that point in time in high school, she wasn't very open about exactly what and how much she did. But she always told me, she said, if you come home and, you know, you're hammered or you're on something, I'll know because I've done it. So, and then, of course, there's my dad, who was like six foot two, built like a refrigerator. I was definitely afraid of him. And so I never did it. I would go home or I'd go over to friends' houses and I'd get, you know, drunk or stoned or whatever there. My dad and I had a very volatile relationship when I was growing up. Pretty much it started after my brother was born. But he'd scream and yell at me and say, you know, stuff like, you know, don't ever let him see you cry. And, of course, I'm not getting that long into my story. He'd say, don't ever let him see you cry because that'll show him that you're weak. You know. And he'd sit there and he'd just scream and yell at me and punch holes in the door right next to my head. So it was kind of, you know, how do you not cry when that's going on? And, you know, our relationship was, he was very verbally abusive to me. You know, he would just say stuff that no father should say to their daughter. So when it was time for me to go to college, I made sure to go to college away from, you know, Atlanta. You know, I wasn't going to go to a school like, you know, Georgia because it's a day trip. They could pop in on me any time they wanted. So I ended up going to college over in Mississippi at Old Met. Well, there it was, you know, that's kind of when my drinking just went from nothing to all of a sudden balls to the wall. Because there was freedom there. My parents weren't there. So when I came home, you know, there was nobody there checking on me. Or, you know. You know, saying things like, oh, you shouldn't be doing this or whatever. It was, I didn't have to go to class. I didn't have a curfew. And so I took advantage of that. I didn't go to class. I stayed up all night. I'd party. You know, when you're at school and you're trying to get a degree, you're supposed to go to classes. I went to parties. And so I ended up getting kicked out, which is what I should have done or what should have happened to me. I call it I got my Ph.D. from school, which is a party hard degree. They mailed it to. Me and, you know, asked me not to come back to the institution. I. I ended up going to a community college after that because I didn't want to go back home because I was having too much fun drinking and doing extracurricular activities. And so I ended up saying that's pretty much when I started trying all the other spirit. I've got drugs in my story, so I'm just going to talk about it. That's when I started doing weed and coke and all that other stuff. And I dated somebody and he was the dealer. We broke up and the guy that we got it from only wanted to deal with me. So then I started being a dealer. I dealt pot for a while and then stopped doing that and then don't the other for a while. And then I stopped doing that because I was too paranoid. But, you know, I mean, the cops will get you if you do it long enough. And I'd stopped before they got me. Um, I. Uh. I didn't really, I didn't want to come home, but my parents said that if you, um, if you don't come home, we're going to cut you off and, you know, I have, I have bills and I didn't want to pay my bills. I wanted to use the money that I got for partying and having fun. And, um, at college, that's when, you know, like I said, I, um, when I went to college, that's when my drinking career really started. Um. I actually found a picture of me the other day. I was looking at some old pictures because I got a flood in my apartment. And this one picture that I found was me and Mardi Gras and I was downing a jet, uh, downing jack straight out of a bottle. And that's pretty much how I drank. It wasn't, you know, occasionally I'd mix it, but you know, I get jacket port in one of those big college mugs that they have. And I drink that on the way to a football game, you know, blackout come to, I'm in a football game, you know, and then. I get some more alcohol afterwards. Um. I, uh, see, I keep going off into never, never land. Um, so I learned how to be a chameleon in college, um, meaning, you know, when I was in a sorority for a little while. So when I was in sorority, I did the whole sorority thing, you know, dress up and see my hair and, you know, whatever I could to fit in, um, after I get kicked. Out of there. And I started, you know, hanging out with all the pot smokers. That's when I dressed up like a hippie and, you know, did all that stuff. And then when I started doing pills and everything, um, I started dressing up as a little club girl, you know, glow sticks, um, hair and pig tails, you know, short skirts, all that stuff, which isn't me. Um, and I never found out who I was until I got sober, but that's on down the line. Um, so came back to Atlanta. And, um, I immediately found the people that I belonged with, which was the alcoholics and the druggies. You know, I got this apartment that was directly across the street from the bar that I, I mean, it was my bar, you know. Um, and of course, met a guy, started dating a guy, did drugs with him and alcohol with him. And that's, that was our relationship was drinking, getting up, going to work occasionally. Um, I actually had some. I had some really good jobs that I couldn't hold them down because of my drinking, um, you know, and I would go from one really good job and then I get fired from there and go to go to work in the restaurant industry because of the restaurant industry, you know, you get, you can drink there, you get other substances delivered there, you know, and people, one job that I worked at, people actually sold there. So it was like, you know, I could get it from them immediately. Um, I, um, the guy that I dated for a while, he and I, we had the true alcoholic relationship. We had the, you know, drinking, fighting, making up, um, the, he wasn't abusive. I was in an abusive relationship when I was in college and that lasted for three years. And I don't mean verbally, I mean like physically abusive. Um, you know, and of course. It was my fault, you know, it was always, why'd you make me do that to you? You know, the first thing he ever did was he threw me across the room and I landed in a glass table. He came over and was like, you know, crying, saying, why'd you make me do that? And of course it was my fault. So the next three years that we, that we dated and he throw, you know, throw me across the room or punch me or whatever, it was always my fault, you know? And so that's how I took it. And, um, so when, when I was dating that guy, um. In Atlanta and it was a kind of an abusive relationship. I mean, we didn't really physically fight, but, um, as people would pretty much pull us off of each other before it got to that point. Um, my one and only time going to NASCAR, um, got hammered. And then of course, afterwards we had that true redneck NASCAR fight. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm sitting there trying to wail on him. Somebody's pulling me off. He's trying to hit on me. Somebody's pulling me off. You bitch, you, you asshole. Um, but that's, you know, that's, that's just kind of how it went. Um, and I got my, um, I ended up getting my first DUI, um, December of 2005. Um, I hit a tree head on, on the other side of the road, totaled my car. Um, the cops said that if I had hit the car about an inch closer to the driver's side, I would be dead. Um, I've lived. Point one, nine, one. Um, and then five and a half months later, I had my second DUI. Um, my second DUI's date is May 22nd, 2006. And as you heard earlier, my sobriety date's May 22nd, 2010. Um, the only reason I know that is because I looked up my picture on mugshots.com. And, uh, and so it had the date on there. And, and my mugshot looks like one of, a very good friend of mine. We both look kind of like evil twins in our mugshots. So, um, but anyway, so after the second, uh, DUI, the judge said, okay, you can either spend nine and a half months in jail, or you can do rehab in 90 and 90. And, of course, I'd spent, for the second time, I was in there for nine and a half days. Um, and so for me, nine and a half days was like nine and a half years. So nine and a half months, there's no telling how long that would feel for me. And so I didn't, I was like, screw that. Okay, rehab, all about it. Um, the rehab I went to was absolutely beautiful. It was up in the mountains in North Carolina. There was cats for me to play with. There was dogs for me to play with. Horses, you know, we went fishing, laid out, all types of stuff. And occasionally, we'd have a big boat study. And occasionally, we'd go to a meeting. Um, there was more of a vacation than it was for rehab, in my opinion. Um, but I got that down, you know, I did what the judge asked. And then I came here, and I did the 90 and 90. When I did the 90 and 90, I was the person that sat back in the back by the door. I came in last, and I would leave first. Because I didn't want anybody to talk to me, anybody to see me. And I stayed dry for about seven months. And then I finally, but I didn't change my playmates and playgrounds, you know. I'd sit there, and I'd still hang out with the same people that I partied with. You know, I'd go to the bar, drink a Coke, while they were sitting there drinking beer and doing Coke. You know, and I'm sitting right next to them, trying to stay calm. You know, and I'm sitting right next to them, trying to stay calm. And I'm sitting right next to them, trying to stay sober. It's like, that's not, you know, there's no way to stay sober like that. So, finally, this guy I was dating, of course, this guy I was dating, he had come in, we woke up one Sunday morning after a night of partying. And he sat up in bed, and he's like, I've got to go to a meeting. And I was like, what? I didn't know you had a wife. I work on Sundays. And so then I just went back, well, passed back out. And then he came home, and he told me that he had gone to an AA meeting. And so for the next week, I kind of went balls to the wall. I was constantly drinking. I was drinking all of his leftover vodka that he had left at his apartment. Because, you know, I don't want it to go to waste. That's alcohol abuse. You know what I mean? And so when the last night of my drinking, on May 21st, 2010, it started at 3 o'clock. And I'll never forget this day. It started at 3 o'clock. And where I worked, I worked at a brewery. And we can always get shift drinks. Oh, hold on, let me back up. I used to drink, my drink was Jaeger beer and then the powdered substance. And that's how I would start the night off, was down a beer, down a shot, and do that. And so with that... I was kind of like, it went from Jaeger to Grand Marnier. And, of course, my habit was pretty expensive, but I had friends and I knew guys. And, you know, but so that last night at 3.15, I got off work, went in, had started drinking beers. Well, where I worked, the beer wasn't, it was like over what's allowed to be sold. I think it's like, what, 0.8, 0.08 is what it's legally allowed to be sold. And this one was like 0.12, 0.12. It was a wheat beer. Anyway, see, I remember too much of it. But I guess that's actually a good thing for me to remember all this. So I hung out there for a while. Some friends showed up, drank with them. And then I went to get the, went to go and get Coke from the dealer. And the dealer even said to me, he goes, Kat, you smell horrible, you shouldn't be driving. You know, you look like shit. And I was like, well, thanks. Now give me some drugs, you know. So I ended up going. I went over to these people's houses. And it was another night of blacking out, coming to. That, for me, if I didn't black out, it wasn't a good night, you know. It was, if I still remembered everything, I didn't get drunk enough. Once I blacked out, then it was a good night, you know. If I wake up and do my teleporting, as they call it, which is, you know, you're in one place, you're at the bar at one point in time, you know. And then you come back to, and all of a sudden you're at home, you know. It was scary, but, you know. It was scary. It was scary when I'd wake up with somebody that I didn't know who they were or where I was or, you know, I'd go and look out to see my car and to make sure my car was there or my purse was there or whatever. But anyway, so the last night I came to and I was in a pool and they were telling me to get out and then blacked back out and came to and I was doing coke and then blacked out and then came to and I was in my car and I was driving. And I ended up hitting a curb on the side of the road and I messed up my tire and my wheel. And so I kept calling people because I couldn't get anybody to answer the phone. So I just, I mean, I'm blowing people's phones up. And I called this one friend of mine who, we were really close, and he was actually passed out in front of the bar. And he woke up and he had somewhat sobered up. And so he came and helped me put the tire in my car. And so then that's... And that next day, I think I had called the guy that I was dating at the time probably about 15, 20 times, you know. And I was like, I'm ready to die. I just, I don't want this anymore. I hate my life. I hate everything about it, you know. I hate my job. There's, I don't like anything. I don't like myself, you know. I was a burner. I didn't cut myself. I would burn myself. I have scars. I have, you know, I have a scar on my wrist that, it reminds me of where I was at that point in time, you know. And how much I've changed since then. But, so, that next morning, he called me. He's like, you ready to go to a meeting? And I said, sure. And so he took me to Complete Abandon. And Complete Abandon gets a bunch of bad shit, whatever. I don't give a fuck. Complete Abandon did a lot for me. Because I now have four years and nine months sober. And they instilled a lot of groundwork for me, you know. I met... I was forced to go to meetings every single night, you know. I was forced to drive people around. I was forced to do all this shit. But now it's like, I like going to meetings every night. I like driving people around, you know. It's... In the beginning, things sucked. And now it's much better. That's where, at Complete Abandon, that's where I met my first sponsor. She ended up moving to Buffalo when I had, like, right before I had 90 days. And she introduced me to this other woman who became my sponsor somewhat. Because I never used her. I never called. I was afraid of her, you know. Whenever she would call me on my phone, you know, it was like having my mom or my dad calling me. And so it was like, I was afraid to answer, but I was afraid not to answer. My first sponsor had introduced me to Frank as dad. I didn't really know his full name, or his real name, for a few months. Because I always called him dad. And finally, I heard somebody yelling his name when we were in the front room over there. And we were talking and they yelled his name. And he turned around and was like, what? And I was like, oh, that's your name. Okay. Um. But he's played a major part in my life. He has introduced me. He ended up taking me around to a bunch of meetings and introducing me to people. Well, in the beginning, this time, just like last time, baseball cap, baggy clothes, you know, tennis shoes, no makeup, you know, always hit out in the back, didn't want anybody to see me. There's people in here who knew me, you know, day one. And they can vouch for it. Um. So, with him, I thought I was hiding behind him. You know, because everybody would pay attention to him, not me. You know. But little did I know that it was more along the lines of, they'd see him, he'd introduce me. But I never saw it that way. Um. After about nine months, I left complete abandon. And I went and joined a women's group here. Um. And then I ended up leaving there after a few months. And I joined the Tuesday night, this game meeting. We've had enough. Which is my home group now. And I love that meeting. I love the people in that meeting. Um. You know, even though some of them are extremely obnoxious, like the one sitting next to me falling asleep. Um. I'm sorry. Am I boring you? A little bit. Um. So. Okay. So, anyway. So, Tuesday night meeting. Um. I got to know everybody. I got to know everybody. I got to know everybody. I got to know everybody. I got to know everybody. I got to know everybody. I got to know everybody. I got to know everybody. And I got to know everybody. It was still scary to death of people. Scared to death of talking to people. Um. But of course I was kind of forced into it. Um. One night I was on my way home after the Tuesday night meeting, and Frank had called me and he was like well, you know you're coming out to eat. And as usual I was like no I'm not coming out to eat. And he was like well why not? I said they're not... Uh. Those aren't my kind of people. Now, I get a lot of shit for that now, because of the fact that you guys are my kind of people. guys are my people um but anyway so he told me he was like you know this woman was asking if you're going to come out to eat tonight and um I was like really he said yeah yeah she's asking so I was like okay and I was like two minutes away from my house so I immediately turned around and went and met them there and I found out probably about six months nine months later that it was a lie he said it was you know bending the truth a little whatever but it was a lie because because I didn't know well she didn't know this woman she had no clue Frank had tried to call her a couple of times and she never answered the phone well I got there before he did and she hadn't got there yet and so he ended up running and grabbing her before she walked in was like this is what I said so go with it um and that woman is a very important part of my life I love her to death that whole Tuesday night crew is very important to me um they're my family you know in that group I have sisters I have a Santa Claus that is only my Santa Claus I have a dad um I have an aunt and uncle well uncle I guess um but I have family you know I've I've never had a sister and I have a shit ton of them now you know I never trusted women and I guess that's another reason why complete abandon was a good group for me because I didn't trust women you know I mean it was 90 guys when I was there I think it's 100 now but they're um you know anyway so I started trusting women and I have a big group of friends now that are 90 women um I uh with me getting sober um um a lot of people don't trust women what has happened for me in sobriety um I I've had a lot of good things and I've had a lot of bad things um you know this year as a matter of fact I ended up buying my first car um my I bought it you know not my mom not my dad I did I have the well I don't have the title the bank does I have the car payment you know everything's in my name um which is awesome um but I've had a lot of good things this year I got my first apartment by myself sober which I was really afraid of because when I got my my first apartment well by myself um when I got my first apartment when I came home from school and I or from Ole Miss and I was living by myself the way my apartment looked was you walked in the door and there was shit everywhere you know there was dishes piled up in the sink that hadn't been washed and I don't know how long there was beer cans and you know vodka bottles and you name it just spilling out on the floor and I was like I don't know how long I'm going to live here I had a cat back then and her litter box was you know I mean I just didn't take care of anything I didn't take care of her I didn't take care of myself um but now you know I've got my apartment I take care of my apartment you know I can't stand it when my apartment has is messy and right now it is because I had a flood a couple of weeks ago and so I still have stuff everywhere and it's just like grating on my last nerve um I have a job where they actually do a good job for the most part um the I'm supposed to be supposed to be possibly moving into a better position but with this company it's just kind of like wait until it happens um I'm supposed to move up from the CSR to an account manager um and I'm very excited about that I just I keep praying that actually comes comes true um I think when I had about two years I ended up starting a meeting at um this game called the night owls my my sponsor my current sponsor and she always talks about the old night owls well a lot of people from this game that they're all that the old timers they always talk about the old night owls you know and how much fun the old night owls and the packed rooms and everything so one cleaning day over at this game my sponsor comes up to me and she puts her arm around me and she's like hey Kat what do you think about getting the night owls back together and I was like uh okay it wasn't one of those you know it was a suggestion but not a suggestion so I did it and the meeting's still going on um you know it has its ups and downs but it's it's still there every Saturday night 11 o'clock um and as Bob says we give a hoot about your sobriety um and I uh I also do a meeting at a halfway house and the meeting that I do and I've said this multiple times especially to the people in the halfway house is that there's a lot of things that are said in that halfway house that it just it blows my mind and I get more out of that meeting sometimes than I do the Tuesday night meeting um at Biscayne where people have 30-40 years um and it's just you know it's kind of like I get a double dose of of medicine you know if I don't go to any other meetings which I don't go to I don't go to any other meetings which I don't go to I don't go to any other meetings which I don't go to any other meetings which I don't go to I can't not go to other meetings but if I were not to go to any other meeting except for my Sunday night and the Tuesday night meeting I would get so much out of this you know um just because of what's shared and everybody's experience whether it's somebody that has three days experience or whether it's somebody who has 30 years experience um I am the entertainment director on the board over at this game um set up parties uh this this time this is my second um um what do you call it this is my second term of being the entertainment director and I now have an entertainment committee um we just had a lock-in this past weekend and it was hysterical we uh had a speaker John over here he's falling asleep um he told his story at eight and then we ended up watching movies we played a couple of games we played uh smart ass and apples to apples and it was I mean we had a blast we were up until about 4 30 5 o'clock in the morning I couldn't stay because there was somebody snoring in the far room and I just I had to get some sleep so I was like I'll see y'all later love you I'm out um but the most important thing to me has been the women that I've met in sobriety you know I've got um one of my really best friends um that I had she ended up passing away from cancer and I was holding her hand when she passed away um through that I ended up getting making it you know some more friends some more women friends that I'm so glad are in my life you know this one woman I look up to because she's like me she hates public speaking but she doesn't you know she doesn't like to share in meetings but she does it and so it's somebody that I you know I look up to you know I have friends I'm actually going to be in somebody's wedding because she wants me to be in somebody's wedding and I'm going to be in somebody's wedding because she wants me to not because it's you know I'm a family member and she kind of has to have me in there and I can't wait we already found her wedding dress and the bridesmaids dresses and I'm looking forward to it you know um I uh when my friend Gina when she was dying uh this woman Kathy she and I became really close because Gina only wanted me and Kathy to come up and see her so we went back and forth and now it's just you know that's another bond um being there for each other it's just it's an amazing thing you know through ups and downs um um I think a couple weekends ago we went to I went to a women's convention I'd never been to a women's convention before um I'd always heard about The Rock because you know Frank announces it all the time and I was always asking you know what about a women's convention and a few months ago a woman named Lindsay she told her story here and she mentioned the gals convention and the WRW which is women's recovery workshop and I'll tell you what if you're a woman in here and you've never been to a good convention go it is the best experience that I've ever had in sobriety other than the friends that I've made it's just the the um the things that we did I mean you know the Lindsay I'm just whatever breaking your anonymity Lindsay ended up playing kickball while I did a yoga class and they called her what did they call you um so you know and it's it's memories like that although I couldn't remember what she was called but it's memories like that you know spending the night in a in a bunk that are in dorms with women and you know talking to these women and you know this this one woman that I've gotten close to we sat and we talked for about an hour um just about everything you know and and she's got 33 years of sobriety um the only reason I remember that is because we did like a countdown and count up and then one the woman who won the count up or the one with the most sobriety had 34 years so it was like her and this other woman standing um but it's just it's really neat to have all that to have people that you can talk to and spend time with that you want to spend time with you know um I uh went to the beach for the first time sober and watched the first the sunrise for the first time sober and it was because I woke up and I saw the sunrise not because I'd been up for three days and watched the sunrise you know um because there's a big difference trust me um you know and I'm going to be going to the beach again here soon and it's just all the things that have happened to me within the past four four and a half years you know like friends dying and you know other things happening it's the good definitely outweighs somewhat outweighs the bad I mean you know in December I got Kitty and they're the best thing in the world they're so awesome I mean I come home from work and here they are you know I've got a codependent cat that I call Bina and then the other cat's Bella and it's just you know they're my little pumpkins I come home and there they are I love them um I do anything for them you know what I mean I don't have any kids so they're they're my feline kids my mom has grand kitties that's what she calls them so um and I'm also learning how to actually be responsible you know take care of my car although it needs a bath right now but you know my drunk car when I came in I had beans and stuff all over it and I never washed it never cleaned it out and you know when I would take the the women for a ride I'd have to just kind of push all the to the side so that they can sit and put their feet in you know and now actually now I have a couple of things in the back seat but normally I don't you know normally it's clean and I don't have to go to the bathroom I don't have to go to the toilet and I can get people in there and they can go for a ride and you know it's it's responsibility is it can suck sometimes like paying bills and you know going for two weeks of having 61 in your checking account but you know what I paid my rent I paid my bills I you know I have whether it's dollar store food in my fridge or not I have that you know um it's my family they want to spend time um which before it was like they'd want to spend time with me but them spending time with me was then spending time with the body not with me you know and now like during Thanksgiving what I used to do is I would sit there eat dinner and I would have my phone on my lap so that I could get text messages from you know friends that I had well people acquaintances that I had um at the bar saying the bar's open or the dealer's here or you know we got you ready whatever so that I could hurry up eat and say okay love you peace I'm out you know but now it's like I want to stay I want to hang out I want to spend time with them um my mom and I have gotten so close I have two tattoos well I have more than two but I have a tattoo that my mom and I I told my mom I was like okay I want to spend some time with you um and go walk around little five mom was like okay I said but I want you to write down two words that describes me today in our relationship today she's like okay I said but you can't tell me what they are and she's like okay so she got over my apartment and I was so excited I was like a little kid on Christmas morning and I said okay so this is what we're going to do with the two words we're going to take it and go down to where I get my tattoos and we're going to have those words tattooed on to me and my mom who's like against tattoos she said she her eyes just teared up and she's like oh that's so sweet um but so we did that and and went down there I didn't know what the words were going to be but I said okay I want to be until they're on me you know and people were like oh my god should be glad that it wasn't like smart ass or something you know but see the thing is is that my mom and I have that type of relationship number one I trust her she probably maybe wouldn't have done that um and um you know something like that it was it's fun spending time with her and for her to do that I mean I will always forever have these two words in my arm and then I think it was about six months later I did the same thing with my brother and my brother and my sister and my sister and my sister and my sister obviously knew what was coming so he kind of knew but so I have two words on this arm from my brother and both of them are in their handwriting and I always have that every time I look down you know I see what my brother said and I see what my mom you know it's like this is my mom she said beautiful and brave and it's in her handwriting and in my brother's handwriting over here it says loved and survivor you know and I also the arm over here I've got the um initials of all my family and then of Gina the woman that passed away um because they're always in my life and they're always being important um and with having the relationships that I have with my family um you know my brother my brother and I literally we have to set dates to hang out um because he's we're he's 20 without he's 29 and so he's got his own life he does his own things and I'm 38 and so I have my own life I don't do my own life I don't do my own life I don't do my own things and it's you know we have to we can't just pick up the phone hey let's you know want to meet for lunch because it doesn't work like that you know um but when we hang out we have a blast for this for an example this weekend um I'm doing a color run uh with a few people um my mom uh Lindsay and uh Kathy Caroline and my brother and we all decided to wear tutus my brother we have a tutu for my brother and I know my brother he's a little bit older than me he's going to wear it um because he's that type of person and I I just I I wish I was more like him in that aspect but um I uh the family that I've made here uh is unbelievable um because they're the ones that I can talk to about everything that understand me that understand the crazy thinking that we have and you know when I'm having a bad spot or a bad time it's you know I can call them or text them or I do the opposite of what I'm supposed to do and I don't call and I don't text and I sit in my shit and I have people that ended up end up texting me and whether or not I reply or not they keep texting me you know whether they hear from me in a week or what have you you know I mean me being sober it's not all sunshine and rainbows and puppy dogs and you know bunny rabbits it's not all that it's it's you know you've got the bad days you've got the bullshit you've got stuff that you don't want to deal with that you don't want to face but you have to deal with it and I think that's what you have to you know I mean a few weeks ago I went through a really horrible horrible time and I'm not going to go into any details but when I finally gave got over my shit my family my AA family they were there for me you know I cried on their shoulder I cried in a meeting surprise surprise you know I but they were there for me and they will be there for me no matter what um um with uh when I forgot to mention this when I first came in um I hated God um because you know he's the one that made me epileptic you know he's the one that made me have an alcoholic father that would you know verbally abuse and beat on my brother and beat on my mom you know it's all God's fault I hate you um but now it's like I've realized that you know what I've learned from that um you know he didn't make me epileptic because he hates me you know I'm epileptic because I am it's it's in my genes um and so now instead of looking at it in the negative I'll look at it in the positive saying you know don't you know I will have a seizure but this is well hopefully I won't but when I do or if I do this is what you do you know don't freak out even though it looks scary because I've seen it but um not my own um but it you know it's a scary thing but if you call the ambulance it's going to be fifteen hundred dollars and all they're going to do is take your blood pressure you know um I've never had a seizure when I was drinking or when I was detoxing um I guess maybe my medicine helped that out but um you know God God has been there for me when I've had wrecks when having a seizure he's been there for me when I've um you know wanted to kill myself and you know he's it's I don't know what I would do without my higher power that I that I would call that I call God um I don't know what I would do without AA I know I probably wouldn't be I wouldn't be standing here I probably wouldn't even be alive with the weight rate that it was going um I uh I loved my life today for the most part and I love everybody here and thank you for letting me tell my story you can't just to let you know can't before the meeting was so nervous she's about as nervous as anybody to tell her story or to do public speaking but her dedication to to giving back to Alcoholics Anonymous to never say a no when asked no matter how horrible it is for and of course you did great but uh it's not easy for but uh you know it says a lot about Kat thank you