My Sister Caught Me Peeing in the Dishwasher and I Said the Sink Was Full – Jim B.
About This Speaker Tape
Jim tells his story with relentless, self-deprecating humor that barely conceals the depth of his pain. He describes growing up hypersensitive, terrified of rejection, and completely unable to connect with other people — until his first drink at 16 unlocked a version of himself that could talk, flirt, and function. Alcohol worked so well that within a couple years of drinking he landed on Wall Street and became one of the top stockbrokers at his firm, making more money in a month than his father made in a year.
The wreckage piled up fast: multiple car wrecks including one involving 50 feet of guardrail and a telephone pole, serial evictions, embezzling $55,000 from his boss to pay his cocaine dealer, robbing street drug dealers in New York, and a lifestyle so chaotic he couldn't let people know his real name or where he lived. His first AA meeting in 1985 didn't take — he figured if the old-timer speaker drank for 30 years, Jim had 21 years of drinking left. Two years later, a priest asked him to imagine getting in a car crash with his future child in the backseat, and Jim had a moment of clarity: statistically, it was inevitable.
Jim entered rehab in November 1987 with no real intention of quitting. A visitor with three years sober told him he'd gotten on his knees and prayed to a Higher Power he didn't believe in, and Jim — a committed atheist — did the same thing the next morning. He hasn't had a drink since. The turning point in his recovery came at 1 AM when he called a fellow AA member, stole his sister's purple Schwinn, and rode to the guy's house. Instead of clinical questions, the man shared his own outrageous stories, and for the first time Jim could be honest about who he really was. That mutual vulnerability cracked him open and connected him to something more powerful than alcohol ever was.
Jim closes by emphasizing that strong sponsorship and working with others — not just attending meetings — is what keeps him alive. He says 1% of his recovery was going through the steps with his sponsor, and the other 99% is taking other men through them. Everything good in his life, he says, is a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Timestamps
Full Transcript
Well, for those who might be heavily medicated, my name's Jim. I'm an alcoholic.
Hey, Jim.
My sorority day is November 19th, 1987. My home group is the sponsorship group.
We're in Chatham, New Jersey. Sunday night, 8.30. It's an...
Hey, Jim.
My sorority day is November 19th, 1987. My home group is the sponsorship group.
We're in Chatham, New Jersey. Sunday night, 8.30. It's an...
Well, for those who might be heavily medicated, my name's Jim. I'm an alcoholic.
Hey, Jim.
My sorority day is November 19th, 1987. My home group is the sponsorship group.
We're in Chatham, New Jersey. Sunday night, 8.30. It's an awesome meeting.
It's an active meeting. It's a meeting that might get a little out of control.
It's certainly enthusiastic. One day, like Sunday nights, we do a speaker's meeting,
and we have a speaker come in that has been through the 12 steps.
Not all speakers have done that.
They have a sponsor. They have some experience sponsoring other people,
so you hear a message of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Wednesday night, we have a big book meeting where we read a little bit of the big book
and talk about our experience, not what we think about AA,
not criticism of what other people are doing, but what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I think it's a good meeting. The rest of the week, we go to rehabs, detoxes, jails,
and other meetings to carry a message of hope and recovery.
I think it's a good meeting.
I don't know what I'm going to talk about.
A couple of people here heard me speak last night at Augusta.
Made it through the meeting unscathed.
You never know. The audience, when you go to speak,
I spoke in Vegas a few weeks ago.
I spoke at one meeting in Denver.
It was sort of like emceeing a rape.
Some meetings where you go carry a message of Alcoholics Anonymous,
it's like, what the hell's the big book?
Not to discourage anybody from doing AA. I love AA.
I think that a good AA meeting ought to resemble what's in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
Anyhow, I'm not an alcoholic because I drank every day,
or drank in the morning, or drank by myself.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing that.
I'm an alcoholic because my body processes alcohol differently than most folks.
When I drink, every girl's a 10.
Something happens, it's just absolutely marvelous.
The problem is that, that's not the only thing that happens.
When I take a drink, my outside perception of reality changes.
All you folks change.
I, you know, I can suddenly sing and dance and fight and, you know, I might just be wrestling with a bush, but it feels damn good.
I, um, what happens is that phenomenon of craving kicks in, where I take a drink and the drink takes a drink and I'm off to the races and I have no idea what the hell's going to happen.
Now, it's not always bad, but it's totally unpredictable.
You know, and then I get sober and then I can't think my way out of drinking again.
You know, I have no mental defense against the first drink.
You know, until I've been through the 12 steps, the big book, I really have no mental defense against, you know, first drink.
You know, rehab, they're telling me, think it through.
I don't do that so well.
I, um, I get it down to between, you know, Jack Daniels, vodka, or rum, and I just pick one.
Um, I, um, I was first exposed to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1985.
Not my sobriety days.
I was first exposed to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1987, so, uh, something didn't work.
It wasn't, you know, uh, it wasn't Alcoholics Anonymous, uh, being ineffective.
It was me being ready to do Alcoholics Anonymous.
I mean, I, you know, I can stumble around Alcoholics Anonymous for a long time and talk about how I didn't hear a message of hope and recovery for a very long time.
But the fact is that, uh, you know, at almost every meeting I've ever been to, there's been a big book at the meeting.
And, and I could.
I could have looked at it any time I wanted to.
Uh, I, um, I'm a little bit different.
Uh, I'm, I'm not wrapped too tight.
I'm, I'm, uh, my, my perception of reality isn't what other people would agree.
You know, somebody could say something and hear something different than what I would hear.
I, um, I've always had special abilities where my, um, I, I could see things about people.
That other people couldn't.
I mean, you know, I, like, some people really believe that you should really get to know somebody.
Talk to them a little bit before you, you know, say they're an asshole.
Uh, I disagree.
Um, I mean, at 24 years sober, I can still go to the mall and think somebody should hit that son of a bitch.
Um, I, um, you know, I, I'll have conversations with my sponsor.
And, and I'll tell them about some conflict that I've had.
And, and I'll share.
Uh, you know, about something she did or said.
And, and he'll try to narrow it down to exactly what she said.
And, and I, and I hate people like that.
You have to talk to them about how they said it.
You know, you know, they weren't there to participate.
They don't understand what they all, you know, what this person has always been doing to get to you.
They don't listen to the inflection of their voice and, uh, the facial expressions.
And, uh, I mean, my sponsor.
My sponsor might say I have an active imagination, that I'm delusional, that I'm like a two-year-old.
Um, I, I don't see it that way.
I, uh, I noticed that, um, you know, even going through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous,
that when I miss a few meetings or I get distracted and I stop moving my feet, that I come to meetings.
And that, uh, it appears to me that you guys have been having secret meetings about me.
And that you're, you know, there's probably like a committee going somewhere.
You know, trying to, trying to make me feel bad.
You know, judging me, secretly looking at me.
I, um, I don't have that extra layer of insulation that everybody else seems to have.
You know, I, um, I'm super, super sensitive to what people say.
I, I have a tremendous amount of fear.
The, uh, this loneliness that I've suffered with, uh, for the vast majority of my life except for when I'm drinking and, you know, participating in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Uh, makes me audition to be in other people's lives.
I, uh, you know, I remember being a little kid and, uh, wanting my friends to like me so much that I would buy them candy.
I, I remember, um, convincing my mom.
I, I, I worked on her, you know, trying to get this, get her to buy me this leather jacket.
And, and I, and I just brutalized this woman with words.
And, and she finally said, uncle, and bought me this leather jacket she couldn't afford.
And I got to school and I was wearing it and I walk and I, I remember opening the door and this kid looked at me and he made fun of it.
And I took it off and I threw it in the garbage can right there.
And I never wore it again.
And, uh, you know, I, I'm so hypersensitive to what other people think about me.
You know, I have this spiritual malady that cuts me off from me and you and me and God.
You know, and I notice that when I drink alcohol, this isn't alcohol.
Um, that, that goes away, that I, that I feel connected in a way that's just absolutely marvelous.
You know, and, and I come into Alcoholics Anonymous or be, when they're trying to send me to AA, they, they're saying, you know, if you just stop drinking, you'll be okay.
You know, if, I'm not okay when I stop drinking.
You know, I'm not, I'm not right.
You know, I have a lot of conflict.
You know, I, um, I always tell the guys I sponsor that, uh, you know, they can do anything I did in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Which means that they can't, you know, like throw a chair in a meeting after the first year.
You know, they can't get arrested after their ninth year.
I, um, I, um, my first drink, okay, since I'll talk a little bit about drinking.
Some of you here might still be drinking.
Um, I, uh, I was 16 years old.
This kid Mark calls me up and he was a bad kid.
I prefer bad kids.
I mean, if you're really well balanced, you know, guy or girl.
And you want to have a meeting.
Meaningful, deep conversation.
And you want to talk about your family or holidays.
And I, I don't know how to do that.
You know, I'll, I'll play along for a few minutes.
But then what it seems like is you want to have sex with me.
You know, people, guy or girl, you just, people freak me out, you know.
I, um, this guy calls me up.
He goes, you know, Jimmy, I got a case of Budweiser and some girls.
Now, I was 16 years old.
I've been trying to get married since I was five.
You know, I'm, I'm, I'm thinking about this girl Amy.
Amy sat next to me in homeroom.
Doug's here.
Doug used to go out with Amy.
I hated Doug.
Right?
You know, it's like I'm sitting on the sidelines, you know.
Um, I, um, you know, I, I look over at her every day.
And I, I just, just, you know, just planning our life together.
I mean, I never spoke to her.
This is just way too scary.
Could you imagine?
If I, if I really, seriously.
I remember being like a really little kid.
And there, you know, it was just like the end of Vietnam.
And these priests were lighting themselves on fire.
I would, I always imagine that's what I would do if she turned me down.
I just, just, just to deal with the emotional pain.
I don't mind getting kicked in the face.
You know, I don't mind getting beaten up.
But don't embarrass me.
You know, I don't, don't make me look stupid.
I, um, so he calls me up.
He goes, you know, Jimmy, I got a case of Budweiser and some girls.
And I was like, yeah.
You don't have to say anymore.
I'm, I'm ready.
Let's go.
And he comes and picks me up.
And I'm all excited.
I run out to the car.
Run down to the car.
Back door opens up.
This girl hops out.
I take one look at her.
And I'm thinking, get back in the car before the neighbors see you.
You know, I don't want, I don't want you to get this wrong.
I, I, I do have really low standards.
Like when, when no one's watching.
Okay.
Um, but, but I looked at her.
I was like, oh.
You know.
And she's like, hop in the middle.
You know.
And she's, you know, I, I played football with Doug and Tom and these guys.
I, I thought I was pretty tough.
But I didn't think I could take her.
You know.
I, I got in the middle.
Right.
And I noticed on the other side was her sister who was like probably the not so good looking one in the family.
And I look back and forth.
I'm like, oh.
You know.
But I look at her eyes.
She's got pretty eyes.
If I could just stick to the eyes.
What the hell.
You know.
So I, I start making my moves.
I'm, you know.
I'm trying to talk to her.
And I'm crapping.
I'm like stuttering and spitting on my, on her, on me.
It's like I got Tourette's.
I can't communicate.
I'm really bad at doing this.
I mean, you ever, believe me.
If you were watching me trying to hit on a girl, it would be as uncomfortable for you
as it was for me.
Okay.
I, um.
You know.
It just wasn't going well.
I was like, oh, shit.
You know.
Forget it.
You know.
And I just look forward.
And I'm thinking, jeez.
I get, I get out of here.
You know.
Maybe we'll hit a tree.
I'll go through the windshields.
It's just, it's just terrible.
You know.
And someone at, you know.
This kid, Mark.
And he was, he, he offered me a beer.
And I was like, yeah.
Sure.
Whatever.
I crack it up.
And I start sipping.
It wasn't, it wasn't very good.
I mean, in high school, what do you get?
You get beer that's been in the bushes for a few days.
So it was a little skunky.
I was like, ugh.
You know.
It was, it was, you know.
It was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was,
it was, it was.
You get a can of beer.
So, you get a can of beer.
And I was like.
Ugh.
You know.
But I get the first can down.
I was like.
This is, I can't believe that I got it down.
I crushed the can up.
Throwed it on the floor.
And someone offered me another one.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Whatever.
I started sipping that one.
You know.
And I got that one down.
I don't know if it was a second, the third, the fourth, a fifth beer.
But I'll tell you.
very first night drunk you could have diagnosed me as alcoholic because what happens to me does
not happen to everybody you know I am I remember drinking drinking all of a sudden I look over to
my left this girl lost 15 pounds and I started talking I didn't think about what I was gonna
say and what she was gonna say what I was gonna say to what she was saying you know what I mean
because usually when I'm talking to some girl and I'm like I want her but I know she's gonna
probably hurt my feelings I'm prepared for that okay I don't suffer by myself I you know I don't
go down alone you know I mean and she laughed you know and she said something and I left and
you know we're having a conversation now that's a pretty good deal for a guy who can't talk you
know alcohol works you know and but I don't stop drinking you know what a friend of mine said you
know that grip that alcohol has on the alcoholic you know we're what I've got planned later tonight
what I have planned tomorrow what I plan next week it doesn't matter how important that is when I put
alcohol in my system all bets are off the future is a mystery you know and you know it's like this
grip is so incredibly tight I can't get away I can't I can't talk myself out of it a friend of
mine said it's like having sex with a gorilla you're done when the grill is done I'm not getting
it next thing you know we're making out I'm like oh my god Budweiser the king of beers this is
fantastic man this is great we're like I'm in love you know it's like you know I finally got
a girlfriend you know but I keep drinking and next thing you know I'm making out with her sister now
she's all pissed off like we're engaged I'm like what you don't like your sister you know there's
plenty to go around you know and you know I I I soon was to hit my first bottom I'm laying
down in the parking lot I got cinders on my tongue you ever do that you know I got rocks in my face
in my chest you know and one of these girls she's stepping on my back because apparently I said
something I I don't I don't know why you know what was going on you know maybe maybe she's
never heard of Jenny Craig yeah I I don't know what I said you know what I mean they could have
been something about weight loss or facial hair I I have no idea okay but what what what become a
me is that when I'm drinking I'm the only one enjoying my drinking you know and I I don't
much care you know and that was my first bottom but parking lots believe me you know one very
few people make it the a a because of one parking lot you know the first one the first ones were off
you know but just keep drinking man it's not so bad you know I mean you know fast
forward I remember my first car wreck you know I am it was 50 foot of guard rail a telephone pole
until my body's in surgery, you know, it's pretty devastating, you know what I mean, these guys,
I don't know if I really cared about them, or I cared about what they were going to say about me,
you know what I mean, if we could have kept it a secret, you know, I probably wouldn't have had
so many regrets, that's the kind of selfishness that I have, you know, and, you know, I don't,
I wasn't one of those people to swear that I would never drink and drive, I was convinced that I was
a better driver when I was drinking, it certainly, when I drink, it relaxes me, you know what I mean,
I don't know if I'd ever have the nerve to do, like, a high-speed pursuit sober, you know, that's
pretty scary, there's a lot of things I've done driving, I don't think I could do sober,
I am, I remember, you know, a couple other car wrecks, you know, one time we hit these trees,
and, like, you know, just totaled this BMW,
another time we hit this van head-on, I went through the windshield, and it gets to the point
where my, where I'm drinking, where it's like, I don't, you know, I'm not dying, you know, some
people drinking and driving and dying, you know, some people killing other people, I'm not doing
any of, you know, I'm just, you know, wrecking some cars, you know, having a good time, you know,
this is what we do, you know, other people, I remember, I don't remember who it was,
and the exact circumstances,
but I recall this guy, like, whining and crying because I hit, like, a little, like, tree or
mailbox or something, and about a shoulder hurt and something, you know, I'm like, dude, are you
kidding me, you know, I, look at the front, look at the, look at the headlights, one's pointing
toward the ground, one's pointing toward the trees, there's a piece of mailbox in the grill,
there's dents on every side of my car, the front plate doesn't match the back plate, right, you
know, I don't have a driver's license, the car is not insured, I'm shit-faced when you got in the
car, and you're gonna bitch at me,
where, you know, you know, I mean, if you look at that car, how can you be shocked when it hits
something, you know what I mean, it's like, I mean, I can understand you have a brand new pristine,
you know, car, but that thing, I'm hitting something like it daily, you know, the first
time I get evicted, it's devastating, it's humiliating, you know, what do you do, you know,
how do you talk your way out of, you know, how do you tell people,
there's no, like, guide on, you know, what to do and how to do it, and, you know, the first time you
get evicted, it's, it's scary, you know, second time, it's a little bit easier, and if you keep
getting evicted, like I keep getting evicted, it gets easier, you know, the furniture is not, you
don't have a lot of it after a while, you know what I mean, you learn, yeah, I remember I, I moved
into this place in Morristown, and, you know, people, I had this big party, and people come over,
and they're like, dude, where's the furniture?
I'm like, ah, don't worry about it, we got food, we got drugs, come on in, you know, you know, we're
getting drunk, we, we steal all the neighbor's lawn furniture, problem solved, right, I remember
I was showing some girl in my bedroom, but you have to understand, this is not like a dump, this
is like, in 1986, okay, it was like $2,300 a month rent, right, so there's a fireplace, sunken
living room, washer, dryer, you know,
it's a beautiful place, right, in a nice neighborhood, right, and I'm showing this girl in my
bedroom, she goes, you have a chaise lounge for a bet? I'm like, yeah, it's pretty cool, huh, you know,
you know, and, and you drink like I drink, getting evicted, it's, you know, you don't need an
accountant, you know, to figure out why you're going to get evicted, you know, but again, it's
like, first month rent, month and a half, you know, you're going to get evicted, you're going to get
experience, two and a half months, it takes five months to throw you out, you double your money by
not paying the rent, you know, my keen accounting skills, you know, so, you know, I'm getting used
to that, and, you know, I remember I get drunk one night, and we're in New York, and we're, you know,
we're scoring some drugs, and we get ripped off, and we're like, oh, tough guys, right, we don't do
anything about it, but the next night, we get drunk, and then we decide that we're going back into New
York.
you know we start robbing street dealers right and uh it just got it was just spun out of control
you know the first couple it wasn't bad you know i mean but it it you know if you've never done that
you're gonna it's you know there's easier ways to get money um i am when i drank there's it gets
messy you know i am i the pain is so horrible when i stop though i can't imagine living life
sober it just it just i mean i can understand alcohol is a problem things get out of control
it gets really bad but when i'm sober things are worse you know forget about like just being
nervous i i'm the guy you know i could i could screw up like any relationship
you know what i mean i mean i go to a you give me a nice job i'm sober for a little while
they're paying me a lot of money and you know for no reason i'll start embezzling
you know what i'll do really well until the guy gives me a dirty look where he'll ask me why i
was late and i've been early every day for a month and now he wants to penalize me for being
five minutes late so i'll steal the fucking stapler right you know i'm like oh yeah you know
and then of course
Oh, no, no.
But as his punishments increase, so do mine.
Relationships, I mean, if I look at your life, I could see how you might get yourself in a jam.
I could see how maybe you shouldn't date that girl because she's married to a cop.
I can't see that in me.
Because it's always like, you don't understand.
You know what I mean? I'm saving her.
I have this way of seeing reality that is just very, very messy.
And it's actually messier when I'm sober than when I'm drinking.
When I'm drinking, I can keep everything at bay.
I drink myself to sleep.
It's just like medication.
I'm getting normal. I'm getting okay. I can talk again.
You know, before I started drinking...
I couldn't do a book report in front of the class.
I remember going to seventh grade dance.
It was girls on one side, guys on the other.
What could I do?
I mean, at first, there's a couple of kids out there, kind of nerdy kids,
and there's one guy and girl dancing.
We're like making fun of them.
And that's fine. I don't mind making fun of them.
But, you know, 20 minutes later, there's a few more people out there dancing.
An hour later, there's a lot of people out there dancing.
And I'm still trying to pick the girl who's likely to say yes, but not too embarrassing to be seen with.
Okay?
I would have, like I said, my standards are low.
I would have gone with anyone.
But I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to say and what she's going to say
and how I'm going to get her to dance and how I'm going to inflict as much emotional pain if she turns me down
as the pain that I feel by being rejected.
Now, I remember I picked out this one girl.
I'm thinking, okay, she'll say yes.
I sound out what I'm going to say, and I'm walking across the dance floor.
I get halfway across the dance floor, and it dawns on me,
you don't know how to dance.
Ugh.
And I'm trying to intellectualize the moves that I'm going to make.
When I'm on the floor.
And I see this kid over here.
He's bouncing up and down.
I think, I can do this.
I'm bouncing up and down.
I'm getting ready.
You know, I'm walking out there.
I'm getting ready.
And I see this other kid.
He's moving like this.
I'm thinking, well, I can't do exactly.
I'll mix it up a little bit.
Right?
You know, I kind of look like that guy at Applebee's who had the seizure last night.
You know?
I was like, fuck, man.
You know?
I don't know how to do it.
I'm just like, I'm pathetic.
You know what I mean?
I hope you're getting that picture that I'm really pathetic.
Okay?
And I don't have the skills that most people do to live successfully and happily.
And I don't play well with others.
Okay?
When I drink, what happened very, very quickly.
Okay?
In just a couple years of drinking, I made my way to Wall Street.
Okay?
I got a job being a stockbroker.
I quit college.
Okay?
Within six months, I was one of the top guys in the world.
I was one of the top guys at the firm.
Within a year and a half, I was number, like, eight, perhaps, in about 1,800 brokers.
I was making more money a month than my dad was making in a year.
Alcohol works.
Okay?
When I drink, alcohol taps you into this power that is absolutely marvelous and fantastic.
I feel good drinking.
Okay?
It doesn't last long.
I mean, you know, that phenomenon of craving is what gets me.
You know?
And, of course, you know.
I might mix it up with some South American agricultural products just to keep it going.
You know what I mean?
You know?
Alcohol gets messy.
You know what I mean?
I remember, you know, if you drink like I drink, your family will turn on you.
Your boss, your neighbors will turn on you.
The local police department will pick on you all the time.
My little sister, I love my little sister, she turned on me.
And, you know, one night at dinner, she's like, oh, you know what Jimmy did last night?
You know how you try to piece it together?
You're like, where was I?
You know?
And she goes, well, I came in.
It was like 2 o'clock in the morning.
And Jimmy was over there peeing in the dishwasher.
You know how you're going to deny it?
And I'm thinking, oh, did I?
You know?
Well, maybe there were dishes in the sink.
You know?
What the hell?
You know?
And it's another disappointment in my family.
I am, you know, my life was pretty much crapping out.
And I went to my first AA meeting, 1985.
You know?
And, you know, I was like, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It you know, I normaly, you know, almost all people are not so much crapping out.
And I went to my first AA meeting, 1985.
You know?
And it, you know, it as funny.
I was going out with this girl and I wanted to break up with her.
And she said, OK, I'll let you break up with me if you go to AA.
Whoever I, I've never heard that.
You know what I mean?
I was like, whoa.
You know what, I was like, OK.
You know, yeah.
So, I go to this meeting.
Right?
And I'm sitting there, and this guy, this speaker,
I don't know where the hell they got this,
but it was obvious that he got sober during Prohibition.
I was like, does this guy even know that it's legal now?
I'm like, you know, geez.
He's just, I drank for 30 years.
And I'm like, 30 years?
I'm not getting screwed out of my other 21 years of drinking.
I drank for nine.
Okay, how do you keep it going, you know?
That was my big, you know,
that's what I wanted to learn in AA.
You know, if this guy could drink for 30 years,
there's no reason we all can't drink for 30 years.
I had the idea, coming to AA, like, you know,
sending me to AA was like taking your dog to get neutered.
You know, it's like, oh, I hope you had a good run, Fido.
It's all over.
You know, this is the place, I figured, you know,
we were the people who had too much fun,
and this is where we pay it back.
Come on, who hasn't been sentenced?
You know, but the fact is that if you can't get a better buzz
than Alcoholics Anonymous than you can on the street,
you'll be on the street, right?
I mean, that's it.
No one sticks around AA unless you're going to have a buzz here,
unless it's good, unless you feel good here,
unless you can get the power here that I can get from alcohol and drugs.
If I can't plug into a power here that'll allow me to dance,
you know, that'll allow me to sing,
that'll allow me to fight, you know,
that'll allow me to do anything, I know where to get it.
Okay?
I'm looking for the power.
Lack of power is my dilemma.
I've got to have the power, you know?
And in AA, they're talking about God.
Now, that's a problem if you're an atheist.
I was an atheist, okay?
I don't buy it, you know?
I understand you believe in God.
Okay, that's nice for you.
I mean, I understand.
I used to believe in Santa Claus.
Okay?
Okay?
Other mythical creatures, that's fine.
The Easter Bunny, perhaps?
Okay?
But I'm not...
I was blessed with a level of intelligence, okay?
I don't get it.
I'm not going to...
You know, I want to believe.
You know, I want to feel better.
I want to feel the magic I used to feel when I had Santa Claus.
Okay?
But it's not happening.
Right?
I don't get it, you know?
I, um...
I don't know what time it is, but...
Okay, so somebody tell me when there's like five minutes left.
Anyway, the very first meeting,
I was convinced that if I ever became alcoholic,
I'd have a place to go.
Okay?
Okay?
That was my take-home.
You know what I mean?
I mean, certainly I wasn't ready to stop.
I mean, this guy was...
This guy had a very well-developed life, okay?
His life was like a plane, you know?
It's a jet.
It goes down the end of the runway, takes off,
he gets a house, a business, family, you know, all this stuff,
and he has a few too many drinks, and he comes in for a rough landing.
Now, my plane goes down the end of the runway,
right into the weeds.
Okay?
I'm not getting off the ground.
Okay, this guy, he's married, he has kids.
Married?
What a concept that was.
I mean, I can't get past the part in a relationship
where she doesn't leave when I went to bed.
Okay?
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I can get a girlfriend, okay?
I can get her home from the bar just fine.
Get her to spend the night.
But when she wakes up covered in urine,
I don't know.
How do you talk your way out of that?
You know what I mean?
I remember one girl, I blamed her.
You know?
What?
I am...
So what I did was I kept drinking.
I wasn't ready to get sober.
You know, two years later, I find myself in rehab.
Now, my boss was a little upset.
Apparently,
someone took about $55,000 of his money
and gave it to my Coke dealer.
Now, I was trying to convince my boss it was a loan.
And he made me pay him back, so I was right.
He told me I needed to do something.
And, you know, one thing led to another.
I went to see some...
He sent me to see some priests.
You know, I'm not religious.
At the time, I was, you know, atheist.
I wasn't Catholic.
But I knew he was very involved.
I was involved in teaching Sunday school.
He studied to be a priest at one point.
And so when he told me I had a problem with alcohol and drugs
and I was a mess and, you know...
The first thing that came out of my mouth was,
yes, I do.
I just need to see a priest.
And he bought it, you know?
So he sent me to see some priests in Brooklyn.
And I looked at this guy and I'm thinking,
oh, nice guy.
Really gentle, well-spoken, articulate, intelligent guy.
Obviously, he had like a very high IQ.
And, you know,
he was talking a little bit.
He asked me why I was there.
I said, well, it was, you know,
at the time, November of 1987,
and the market had crashed in October.
Our firm lost a lot of money.
That's how my boss found out that some money was missing.
And because he didn't audit on everything.
And I told him, I said, well, he seems like it's...
He's overreacting, you know, to what happened in the market.
He thinks I have like a drinking problem,
but I work on Wall Street.
It's the 80s, everybody's drinking, you know?
What's the big deal?
So he goes, well, would you mind if I asked you
about my drinking, your drinking?
And I'm like, yeah, okay.
So he said, well, how often do you get drunk?
Now, if you're ever asked how often you get drunk,
that's really a trick question, okay?
I might be drinking a lot recently, okay?
But if you're like a statistician,
you want to average back to the times
that you weren't drinking to even it out a little bit.
So I told him that I got drunk perhaps three times a week.
Didn't seem bad.
I mean, after all, sometimes, you know,
if I'm drinking, I might get drunk three times in a day.
You know, if you're puking by noon, you know,
you could be drunk again by seven, okay?
So, you know, he goes, oh, okay.
He said, well, you ever have a car crash?
You know, you ever drive drunk?
You know, I go, well, perhaps.
He goes, well, how often do you drive drunk?
And I thought, well, I hadn't had a license in five years,
and I didn't have a car.
But on occasion, I would get drunk.
I would borrow other people's.
Like, say you're at a party.
There's keys on the counter.
Someone's, like, everyone's passed out.
I'll take the car, okay?
And nobody's using it.
He wouldn't mind, you know?
So I told him maybe once a week I'd drive drunk, you know?
But I would drive drunk every day if he let me,
if I had a car or access to it.
You know, I love driving and drinking.
He goes, okay.
He goes, well, you ever do any other, you know, drugs
or anything?
I said, oh, perhaps like once a month, you know?
And I just kind of low-balled everything.
And he goes, all right.
I said, okay, well, I've got some really bad news for you.
I'm like, I haven't told him anything.
You know, I was like, he goes, well, listening to your story,
you know, he asked me if I was in some car racks.
I told him I was in a bunch of car racks.
And he goes, listening to your story, I have to let you know
that you're an alcoholic, and you can never safely drink again.
So I looked back at him, and I noticed
that his suit was polyester, okay?
I noticed he had a space between his teeth.
I was thinking about the headlines
where the priests were molesting all these kids.
And I was thinking, I don't know if I could trust this guy.
All right?
And I was getting pretty pissed at him.
I was actually thinking about beating him up.
And I was like, you know, this guy's a jerk.
You know, I'm like, man, I'm getting pissed.
And he goes, calm down.
He's like really trying to calm me down.
He goes, well, just, you know,
just imagine what do you want to do with your life?
I said, well, I want to have fun.
That was always the response I would give.
I just want to have fun.
He goes, well, what does that mean?
Do you ever want to have a family?
I said, yeah, I'd like to get married, have kids.
And he said, could you imagine that, you know,
one day you just have a couple of drinks, and you find yourself
with your kid in the back of the car getting in a car crash,
and your kid getting killed?
And I just had this moment of clarity thinking,
that could easily happen.
You know, I'm crashing all the time.
I'm drinking all the time.
I'm driving all the time.
I'm crashing all the time.
I mean, how could, statistically, it probably had to happen.
You know, I just saw the truth for one second.
I was like, oh, oh, yeah.
And it just hit me.
I'm like, oh, my god.
I said to him, I said, I'm an alcoholic.
Holy shit, oh, my god.
He goes, you can't drink.
And I said, OK.
I go back to work.
I tell my boss, I'm an alcoholic.
He goes, no, no shit.
I just.
I just don't have to drink.
And I was like, OK, OK.
So I went home.
I don't know what the hell happened,
but I was shit-faced by 10 o'clock.
I don't know.
I remember going to the bar.
And I think what it is is it should be illegal
to charge $3 for a soda and $2 for a beer.
I think they're just ripping alcoholics off.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I found myself drunk the next day.
I was late for work.
I'm all hungover again.
And I discovered that I couldn't stop drinking.
That was the first time I tried to really stop drinking.
And then what happened very quickly after that
is I would drink all night, and I wouldn't get drunk.
And I couldn't shut my head off.
I couldn't stop thinking.
And then no matter what I would drink,
I would just start chugging Jack Daniels.
And I couldn't stop thinking.
And the next night, I'd have just three beers.
And I'd be slurring my words.
I'd be staggered.
My body started to very, you know, just,
it was processing alcohol in just very bizarre ways.
It was very unpredictable.
A little bit would get me wasted,
and a lot would, nothing would happen.
Or it would be vice versa.
I had no idea what the hell was going to happen
and how much I could tolerate that night.
And what happened in November of 1987,
I found myself in rehab.
And I needed to regroup.
You know?
There was periods of time where I would just stop drinking
for a little while, and then I would,
I'd be able to get back at it, you know?
But I couldn't stop.
So I had to take some time off.
I just, I had no intention of really stopping.
You know, I could not picture my life without drinking.
So I went to rehab.
Some guy comes in from AA.
He had like three years sober, which seemed entirely,
entirely excessive, OK?
Like this guy, how, I mean, three years
is a really long time to suffer, OK?
I couldn't imagine not drinking for three years.
But he seemed pretty happy, and I didn't understand.
He said, you know, three years ago, I got down on my knees,
and I said a prayer to a God I didn't believe in.
From that day to this day, I've not picked up a drink.
I think there might be a connection.
I was like, OK.
I guess if I prayed, so long as I don't have to believe.
OK?
And that's what I did.
The next morning, I got down on my knees
and said a prayer to a God I didn't believe in.
And from that day to this day, I've not picked up a drink.
I think there might be a connection.
And that's been more than 24 years.
And I wish that's all I had to do.
And there was no burning bush.
There was no white light.
There was nothing like that.
All that happened was I was willing to follow some
direction out of my own making.
In order for me to have a new experience,
I have to take new action.
Now, if that action's hindered by my thinking of what I think
is a good idea, you can't give me like a buffet in Alcoholics
Anonymous.
You can't say, oh, take what you want and leave the rest.
You know, I'm not going to get sober.
I've got to take action.
That's very predictive.
So I've got to take the actions outlined in the big book,
Alcoholics Anonymous, because that is the recipe.
That is the recipe for getting sober.
I mean, I see the picture of the cake in the book,
Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's like happy, joyous, and free,
walking hand-in-hand with our creator,
rocketed in the fourth dimension.
All that stuff, right?
But I see a lot of people in AA whose lives
are nothing like that.
And it reminds me of how.
How I cook, OK?
When I cook, say there's a recipe, and there's a cake,
and it looks very logical, OK?
But somewhat inconvenient, OK?
Now, it says use four eggs.
I have five left.
I'm not going to eat just one egg.
So I put all five in, right?
It says two cups of flour.
I have one and a half.
Whatever.
It says, you know, cup of sugar, and I have half a cup.
But I have some brown sugar.
I'll throw that in.
Maybe a little bit of sweet and low.
What the hell, you know?
Go down.
I'll stir this shit up, right?
It says preheat the oven at 450, OK?
Lower to 375, cook for 45 minutes.
I don't have 45.
I have a half hour.
I'll leave it at 450, right?
Now, if you want to taste my cake,
you're going to, it's not going to taste nor look
like what you would see in the recipe book, OK?
OK?
I mean, and if you look at some lives, like my life,
when I'm not active in Alcoholics Anonymous,
when I'm not sponsoring people in Alcoholics Anonymous,
when I'm not checking in, when I'm not praying,
when I'm not meditating, when I'm not inconveniencing myself
for other alcoholics, I'm not happy, joyous, and free.
My life sucks, OK?
I'm like every unemployed bum bitching
at the guy with the Mercedes driving by.
What a jerk.
What a .
Because I want what he has, but I'm not
willing to do the work to get it, OK?
In Alcoholics Anonymous, I want the buzz, man.
I got to do what's necessary.
I get out of rehab, right?
I go to my first meeting, and the guy, they told me in rehab,
put your hand up when you go to a meeting and ask for rides.
Tell them you're new.
Tell them you're out of rehab and you need rides.
I was like, that's a bad idea.
It was like 10 degrees, though, and I didn't have a ride home.
I figured, OK, what the hell?
What the hell?
All right?
So I put my hand up.
I said, Jim, I just got out of rehab.
I need rides to meetings.
Everybody can help me?
Great.
That's it.
They told me to say that in rehab.
So after the meeting, I walk outside.
I expect a whole line of people to choose from, right?
No one's there.
I see some lady come out.
She looks at me.
I look at her.
She, like, holds on to her pocketbook extra tight
and runs toward her car.
You know what I mean?
It's like, what a bitch, you know?
Some guy comes out.
He walks right by me.
I think, I hate AA, these hypocrites.
You know, can you believe that?
I'm the new guy.
Give me a ride home, goddammit, you know?
I'm like, you know, I'm like, what the hell?
You know, next week, I'll come early to the meeting.
I'll put 100 hits of acid in the coffee pot.
We'll finally have a good meeting, all right?
I was thinking, nah, I don't have the money for that.
What I'll do is I'll come a little late.
When you're all in at the meeting, you know,
praying and, you know, worshipping Jesus or whatever
the hell.
You're doing.
You're doing in there.
I'll be outside slashing all your tires in the parking lot.
Then after the meeting, we could all walk home together, right?
And what happened was some guy just came walking out
just that second and said, I can give you rides.
I was like, oh, shit, you know?
I started talking to him for a second.
It ends up he lives two blocks from where my mom lived,
where I was sleeping on the couch.
And I was thinking, oh, no, there's not a god, is there?
I don't mind praying, but I don't really want a god, you know?
That would mean I was wrong, you know?
In fact, you know, if you're atheist, if you're here in AA
and you're atheist, I have some bad news, OK?
If you change your definition of god to something you believe in,
you can no longer be an atheist, OK?
If you change your definition, say you believe in love or luck
or in the magic and .
And that becomes your definition for god, you're screwed.
OK?
Because that's what I did.
I just changed my definition.
You know, they, you know, I heard all the ideas, you know, these ideas about what god
was and maybe he was and wasn't, and I just changed my definition, you know?
And then what happened was is god started appearing everywhere, you know, and the coincidence
was just absolutely fantastic.
So anyway, this guy gives me a ride home and, you know, we stop at the diner, some other
guys from AA.
I didn't really want to hang out with those guys.
I don't like letting people know where I live.
I don't like letting people know where I live.
What my real name is, because it's just a matter of time before you're looking for
me.
You know what I mean?
If you're going to be my friend toward the end of my drinking, you're going to come looking
for me.
OK?
Because I don't really pay attention to boundaries, what your, what's your property, who you're
married to.
I, I, I, you know, when I'm drinking, it's, it's a free-for-all, you know?
And a lot of people, you know, come looking for me when I'm drinking, you know?
And anyway.
And anyway, the guy drops me off, he says, you know, I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7.
And I'm thinking, how does he know I don't have plans?
You know, I had nothing going on, my schedule's open.
Yeah.
So I was like, OK.
You know, he comes, picks me up, drags me to a meeting, sits me in the front row.
He sits next to me.
The secretary's like, any newcomers?
He goes to me, that's you.
I'm like, mind your own damn business.
Leave me alone.
You know, I got it.
You know?
Secretary's like, no newcomers?
The guy assaulted me.
He elbowed me.
He wanted me to leave.
You know, I got it.
You know?
Secretary's like, no newcomers?
The guy assaulted me.
He elbowed me.
He went, ugh.
And I was like, ow.
What?
Right in the liver.
I was like, ow.
The secretary's like, yes?
I was like, oh, shit.
Jim, alcoholic.
29 days sober.
Everyone, thunderous applause.
It was like clapping.
Everybody's like, all right.
Overnight, I was like a rock star in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I was like, I'm the man.
You know, I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I'm the man.
I don't mind if you treat me special all the time.
If it's not too much to ask, if you could treat me like it's my birthday every day,
I would really appreciate it.
And I feel like that's what I deserve.
Maybe other people don't need the love that I need.
You know what it's like to live your whole life knowing that nobody ever really loved
you.
They can never love.
I was like this sinkhole for love.
You know what I mean?
You buy me shit.
with the one day you just like forget to treat me special I'm like what are they doing to me
you know it's like it's like I would rather be beaten you know and uh so the next day of course
I'm at the meeting you know secretary is anybody new I'm like over here you know you know 30 days
over everyone's clapping and that goes on pretty well you know really well for a while until this
kid Billy gets out of rehab anybody knew he beat me to the drawing really have a hug 17 days over
all of a sudden there's a thunderous applause for him I look at the guy I'm thinking
I go the guy next to me I don't even think he's alcoholic
yeah you know if he is he's probably still drinking look at him let's get back to the
main course right you know because I love the attention you know and you know if you're new
I can tell you
I don't know if that goes away.
I was telling a story last night.
I went to this wedding.
This guy and a girl in our home group got married.
And, of course, they talk all synonymous,
so they had the kid before the wedding.
Okay?
And they asked me to be godfather.
Pretty good on it.
I was in the wedding.
And I have this tuxedo on at the wedding, right?
And I'm like, oh, look at me, look at me.
And some guy comes up.
I hadn't seen him in a few years.
He goes, Jim, you look great.
Good, good, yeah.
I'm like, yeah, yeah.
So when I comes up, oh, Jim, good to see you.
Oh, yeah, you look good.
Yeah, I'm talking to these guys.
And then the bride walks in.
Everybody starts looking at her.
I'm like, well, what about me?
And I'm looking over at the bride thinking, you whore.
I remember when you got sober.
Anyway, hey, I only had 22 years at the time.
So there's hope for growth.
Anyhow, I'm running around AA.
And what's happening is that I feel good in AA.
I like AA meetings.
I like the atmosphere.
I like the fellowship.
I like the laugh and the giggle.
What it's like when I'm new in AA is I'm laying in bed.
I wake up in the morning.
And it's like waking up in oncoming traffic.
And it's like this idea.
It's like, oh, IRS.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
And then I've got like warrants from towns I've never been to.
I just like, oh.
I'm like, wait.
I haven't even opened my eye.
My feet haven't hit the floor.
And I'm having like a panic attack.
I'm like, ah.
And all I have to do is I've got to hold on like nine or ten hours
until I get to the AA meeting.
OK.
Because I know like halfway through, I'm like, oh, I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA through the meeting.
Some guy is going to say something totally inappropriate.
And I'm going to go, ah.
Ah.
And I'll take the first full breath of the day.
And I'll like, ah.
And I'll be OK.
But what happens is if you're new and you have that experience in AA,
it's great.
But it doesn't last long.
Coming to AA and not working the steps is like going to a bar
and not drinking.
It's only good for a little while.
You can only get so lucky.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
You know, whether you find a drunk girl in AA or at the bar, you know, I mean, but that's the best you're going to do, okay?
But I'll tell you, when I go to a bar, I got to drink.
I got to drink.
That's why I'm there, you know what I mean?
We don't go to a whorehouse to listen to the piano player, okay?
Okay?
I don't care how much you like music, okay?
Okay?
I come to AA because I need the buzz, man.
So I go to a meeting, right, and I'm going to a discussion.
I'm holding on all day, all day, all day.
Some lady's sharing about her cat.
She goes, my cat's sick.
I'm like, is your cat an alcoholic?
She goes, I think my cat's going to die.
I'm like, it is.
I hear some other guy.
He's like, I don't think I was breastfed.
I was like.
Are you kidding me?
Was this recent?
Who the hell?
Let's talk about the guy.
Let's talk about the IRS.
Let's talk about felonies.
Let's talk about getting your life together.
Let's talk about warrants.
And I leave the meeting.
I'm crazier than I was when I got there.
All right?
One night, this guy drops me off at home.
I'm like, oh.
I'm hanging on.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table.
If I stay at the kitchen table, I won't get drunk.
I just can't move from the table.
I'll just stick.
I'll hold on to it.
And it's like, it's 10 o'clock.
And I look at the clock.
It's 11 o'clock.
And then it's 12 o'clock.
And then it's 1 o'clock.
I'm like, ah!
And I'm thinking about where my mom's pocketbook was.
I had this thing going with my mom.
Now, at first, your family loves you.
You get out of rehab.
They're all like, oh, you're doing so well.
You know, Jimmy, did you notice I left my pocketbook on the counter?
We trust you.
My mom and I, we had this pocketbook thing going since high school.
Because I remember one day, she goes, Jimmy, you know, I'm going to the mall.
I'm buying a new pocketbook.
You want to come?
And I'm like, all right.
She goes, well, I figured maybe you'd want to pick it out.
You're in it more than I am.
But now she trusts me, right?
But then she's, like, looking at me weird.
Like, you know, she wants me to go to work.
And she's always been disappointed.
And all these ideas about what she's thinking about me are just starting to eat me alive.
Okay?
And what happens is, I'm going crazy.
You know?
I call up this guy at 1 o'clock in the morning.
He's a good member of AA.
And what happens is, you know, he answers the phone at 1 o'clock.
Okay?
You know, he's not screaming.
He answers it.
You know, I'm like, hey, how you doing?
He's like, who's this?
I said, Jimmy Vaughn.
I go, I didn't wake you, did I?
And he lied.
He said, no.
He goes, what's going on?
I was like, nothing.
He's like, do you want to come by?
I'm like, okay.
And I hung up.
That was the quickest hang up you've ever, what would happen if he changed his mind?
You know what I mean?
Okay.
I hung up, ran downstairs, opened the garage.
I stole my little sister's purple Schwinn with the bell in the basket and fringes on the handlebar.
I raced over to the guy's house, right?
I get there.
I bang on the door.
He's like, come on in.
Sit down.
He makes me a sandwich.
He did something radically different than all the therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists.
Okay?
If you're like me, if you think like I do, they're going to send you to see people.
Okay?
And they mean well.
Okay?
But when, how do you, how do you be, how can you really possibly, how can you be a therapist?
How can you be a therapist?
How can you really possibly be honest with these people?
They'll say things like, just like trick questions.
It's like, Jim, how you doing?
I'm like, before you ask me one, you ask me her now.
You know?
And then, you know, I just, they don't think that it's all that common or normal to have homicidal thoughts.
You know what I mean?
I mean, I could just think about like killing somebody just because they embarrassed me.
You know what I mean?
Apparently.
That's not common outside these meetings.
Okay?
Like, the insecurity.
I try to be honest.
But even with these therapists and psychiatrists, I can't be honest because I'm too terrified they're going to judge me.
You know?
How the hell do they get, you know, I get really close and then they start writing.
I'm like, what do you, well, I didn't know.
I'm going to go off record.
You know?
It's like, let me explain that part.
You know?
I'm terrified.
And what this guy did was radically different.
And every, every therapist, because what he did was he started telling me his story.
You know, he's like, oh, you're working in New York.
Yeah.
A lot of drinking in New York.
Oh yeah.
He went back and forth.
He ends up, he goes, must be tough getting sober in New York.
And I go, oh yeah, you have no idea.
Yeah.
I got sober in New York.
I looked at him.
I was like, I couldn't believe anybody possibly could get sober working in New York.
He's like, yeah, one night we're out drinking.
I was like, yeah.
He goes, well, we're out.
We're in the back of this cab.
We're a shit face, man.
You know, next thing you know, another cab comes around the corner.
Smash.
Smash is in the cab.
I go, yeah.
So he said, well, driver got out, the two drivers arguing back and forth.
He said, I got tired of waiting, jumped up front and took the cab.
I was like, I was like, that's cool.
Okay.
That is very cool.
Can you get, you get a sponsor who stole cars?
I mean, you could talk to the guy a little bit.
You know what I mean?
You know, he's like, ah, and I relaxed.
That was the first I felt comfortable, you know, he goes, you know, next, next thing
you know, we're in the tombs.
I look at this guy.
This guy in the tombs.
He was arrested in the jail in New York.
I was like, oh.
He said, yeah, they had a shackles.
I was like, oh.
Yeah.
I'm just, I'm just remembering, you know, just glimpses in my past.
And he goes, yeah.
He said, it was kind of odd.
I said, why is that?
He said, there was a woman on each side.
I said, wait a minute.
They separate the men and the women.
He said, well, I looked down.
They had really big hands.
I was like, uh, he said, I looked up in there.
They had Adam's apples.
I was like, oh my God.
They had Adam's apples.
They had Adam's apples.
They had Adam's apples.
They had Adam's apples.
They had Adam's apples.
I said, well, next thing you know, I was telling him a story.
I said, that's nothing.
One night I was down by Washington Square Park, drink a little bit.
Next thing you know, I'm chasing this transvestite around the park with a hatchet.
Right?
Now, you can't bring that to therapy.
You know what I mean?
You know?
You bring that story to therapy.
You know what they're going to say?
Jim, why don't you explain the series of events that led up to the chase?
Now, that's not something I want to talk about.
You know?
I mean, that's not something I want to talk about.
Now, I don't mind telling you now this perfectly good explanation.
I wanted my money back.
He looks at me.
He looks at me.
He laughs.
This guy told me the sexual escapade that would have scared Jeffrey Dahmer.
I was like, you what?
This guy's a freak, man.
I'm going to get the hell out of here.
I can't believe it.
I thought AA was a good outfit.
This guy, I'm getting that.
When he goes to the bathroom, man, I'm out of here.
Right?
Wait a minute.
I did the same thing.
I'm not going to tell him.
He'll judge me.
Right?
So, you know, I told him another one.
He told me another one.
I told him this story about Saturday morning.
I was drinking one day.
Just a little bit of beer.
But someone pulled out some Jack Daniels and the beast was already awake.
So, he started drinking.
You know, I'm just drinking.
I'm chugging Jack.
And this guy's hitchhiking over in Denville on Route 10.
And we decided to pick him up.
And a couple minutes later, we decided to keep him.
Now, you can't bring that to therapy.
You've got to worry about, like, statute of limitations.
I don't know what they have to report.
You know?
And, you know, I mean, it wasn't real kidnapping.
You know what I mean?
He was over 18.
We let him go.
No ransom.
We kept him for a little while.
Right?
So, anyway, that went back and forth.
An hour and a half later, this guy knew about me, okay, you know, more than, you know,
in an hour and a half, more than 20 years of therapists combined.
I looked up from his shoes.
I noticed he had blue eyes.
And I was different.
I tapped in to the Magic and Alcoholics Anonymous.
You know?
It's when you guys share with me who you are, what you are, that allow me to come out of
my shell and be honest for the first time I could ever remember.
And by doing that, I come alive.
And I tap into a connection and a closeness with other human beings that I didn't know
was possible.
I mean, drinking comes...
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
You know?
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
You know?
And I'll finish up with this.
You know, 1% of my recovery is going through the steps with a sponsor.
The other 99% is taking other guys through the steps.
You know?
I mean, you want to look at how good your sobriety is?
Look at...
When's the last time you had a wet drunk in your car?
You know?
When's the last time you saw a seizure?
You know what I mean?
When's...
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
a guy who is rich.
A guy who's making a few million dollars a year.
Just teach me what to do. The guy told me how to
dress, what to read. He told me exactly
how to conduct myself. Same thing
in Alcoholics Anonymous. I got a sponsor.
He told me where to sit, what to say, what to read.
He told me what to do and how to do it
in order to get what he had.
Now, that's the deal. It's just
a principle. This isn't magic.
You know what I mean? A lot of people don't believe in strong
sponsorship. I do. I want somebody to help save
me from me. I need...
I'm the enemy. I am the bad
guy here. I need help
to save me from me.
And that's what we
have sponsors for.
I love Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything
good in my life is a direct result of being here
with you guys. My life,
where it was and where it is today, you just can't
get there.
I want to thank you,
Rob and Joe, for having
me speak up here. It's a privilege
to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous.
And that's it. Thanks.
Hey, Jim.
My sorority day is November 19th, 1987. My home group is the sponsorship group.
We're in Chatham, New Jersey. Sunday night, 8.30. It's an awesome meeting.
It's an active meeting. It's a meeting that might get a little out of control.
It's certainly enthusiastic. One day, like Sunday nights, we do a speaker's meeting,
and we have a speaker come in that has been through the 12 steps.
Not all speakers have done that.
They have a sponsor. They have some experience sponsoring other people,
so you hear a message of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Wednesday night, we have a big book meeting where we read a little bit of the big book
and talk about our experience, not what we think about AA,
not criticism of what other people are doing, but what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I think it's a good meeting. The rest of the week, we go to rehabs, detoxes, jails,
and other meetings to carry a message of hope and recovery.
I think it's a good meeting.
I don't know what I'm going to talk about.
A couple of people here heard me speak last night at Augusta.
Made it through the meeting unscathed.
You never know. The audience, when you go to speak,
I spoke in Vegas a few weeks ago.
I spoke at one meeting in Denver.
It was sort of like emceeing a rape.
Some meetings where you go carry a message of Alcoholics Anonymous,
it's like, what the hell's the big book?
Not to discourage anybody from doing AA. I love AA.
I think that a good AA meeting ought to resemble what's in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
Anyhow, I'm not an alcoholic because I drank every day,
or drank in the morning, or drank by myself.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing that.
I'm an alcoholic because my body processes alcohol differently than most folks.
When I drink, every girl's a 10.
Something happens, it's just absolutely marvelous.
The problem is that, that's not the only thing that happens.
When I take a drink, my outside perception of reality changes.
All you folks change.
I, you know, I can suddenly sing and dance and fight and, you know, I might just be wrestling with a bush, but it feels damn good.
I, um, what happens is that phenomenon of craving kicks in, where I take a drink and the drink takes a drink and I'm off to the races and I have no idea what the hell's going to happen.
Now, it's not always bad, but it's totally unpredictable.
You know, and then I get sober and then I can't think my way out of drinking again.
You know, I have no mental defense against the first drink.
You know, until I've been through the 12 steps, the big book, I really have no mental defense against, you know, first drink.
You know, rehab, they're telling me, think it through.
I don't do that so well.
I, um, I get it down to between, you know, Jack Daniels, vodka, or rum, and I just pick one.
Um, I, um, I was first exposed to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1985.
Not my sobriety days.
I was first exposed to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1987, so, uh, something didn't work.
It wasn't, you know, uh, it wasn't Alcoholics Anonymous, uh, being ineffective.
It was me being ready to do Alcoholics Anonymous.
I mean, I, you know, I can stumble around Alcoholics Anonymous for a long time and talk about how I didn't hear a message of hope and recovery for a very long time.
But the fact is that, uh, you know, at almost every meeting I've ever been to, there's been a big book at the meeting.
And, and I could.
I could have looked at it any time I wanted to.
Uh, I, um, I'm a little bit different.
Uh, I'm, I'm not wrapped too tight.
I'm, I'm, uh, my, my perception of reality isn't what other people would agree.
You know, somebody could say something and hear something different than what I would hear.
I, um, I've always had special abilities where my, um, I, I could see things about people.
That other people couldn't.
I mean, you know, I, like, some people really believe that you should really get to know somebody.
Talk to them a little bit before you, you know, say they're an asshole.
Uh, I disagree.
Um, I mean, at 24 years sober, I can still go to the mall and think somebody should hit that son of a bitch.
Um, I, um, you know, I, I'll have conversations with my sponsor.
And, and I'll tell them about some conflict that I've had.
And, and I'll share.
Uh, you know, about something she did or said.
And, and he'll try to narrow it down to exactly what she said.
And, and I, and I hate people like that.
You have to talk to them about how they said it.
You know, you know, they weren't there to participate.
They don't understand what they all, you know, what this person has always been doing to get to you.
They don't listen to the inflection of their voice and, uh, the facial expressions.
And, uh, I mean, my sponsor.
My sponsor might say I have an active imagination, that I'm delusional, that I'm like a two-year-old.
Um, I, I don't see it that way.
I, uh, I noticed that, um, you know, even going through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous,
that when I miss a few meetings or I get distracted and I stop moving my feet, that I come to meetings.
And that, uh, it appears to me that you guys have been having secret meetings about me.
And that you're, you know, there's probably like a committee going somewhere.
You know, trying to, trying to make me feel bad.
You know, judging me, secretly looking at me.
I, um, I don't have that extra layer of insulation that everybody else seems to have.
You know, I, um, I'm super, super sensitive to what people say.
I, I have a tremendous amount of fear.
The, uh, this loneliness that I've suffered with, uh, for the vast majority of my life except for when I'm drinking and, you know, participating in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Uh, makes me audition to be in other people's lives.
I, uh, you know, I remember being a little kid and, uh, wanting my friends to like me so much that I would buy them candy.
I, I remember, um, convincing my mom.
I, I, I worked on her, you know, trying to get this, get her to buy me this leather jacket.
And, and I, and I just brutalized this woman with words.
And, and she finally said, uncle, and bought me this leather jacket she couldn't afford.
And I got to school and I was wearing it and I walk and I, I remember opening the door and this kid looked at me and he made fun of it.
And I took it off and I threw it in the garbage can right there.
And I never wore it again.
And, uh, you know, I, I'm so hypersensitive to what other people think about me.
You know, I have this spiritual malady that cuts me off from me and you and me and God.
You know, and I notice that when I drink alcohol, this isn't alcohol.
Um, that, that goes away, that I, that I feel connected in a way that's just absolutely marvelous.
You know, and, and I come into Alcoholics Anonymous or be, when they're trying to send me to AA, they, they're saying, you know, if you just stop drinking, you'll be okay.
You know, if, I'm not okay when I stop drinking.
You know, I'm not, I'm not right.
You know, I have a lot of conflict.
You know, I, um, I always tell the guys I sponsor that, uh, you know, they can do anything I did in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Which means that they can't, you know, like throw a chair in a meeting after the first year.
You know, they can't get arrested after their ninth year.
I, um, I, um, my first drink, okay, since I'll talk a little bit about drinking.
Some of you here might still be drinking.
Um, I, uh, I was 16 years old.
This kid Mark calls me up and he was a bad kid.
I prefer bad kids.
I mean, if you're really well balanced, you know, guy or girl.
And you want to have a meeting.
Meaningful, deep conversation.
And you want to talk about your family or holidays.
And I, I don't know how to do that.
You know, I'll, I'll play along for a few minutes.
But then what it seems like is you want to have sex with me.
You know, people, guy or girl, you just, people freak me out, you know.
I, um, this guy calls me up.
He goes, you know, Jimmy, I got a case of Budweiser and some girls.
Now, I was 16 years old.
I've been trying to get married since I was five.
You know, I'm, I'm, I'm thinking about this girl Amy.
Amy sat next to me in homeroom.
Doug's here.
Doug used to go out with Amy.
I hated Doug.
Right?
You know, it's like I'm sitting on the sidelines, you know.
Um, I, um, you know, I, I look over at her every day.
And I, I just, just, you know, just planning our life together.
I mean, I never spoke to her.
This is just way too scary.
Could you imagine?
If I, if I really, seriously.
I remember being like a really little kid.
And there, you know, it was just like the end of Vietnam.
And these priests were lighting themselves on fire.
I would, I always imagine that's what I would do if she turned me down.
I just, just, just to deal with the emotional pain.
I don't mind getting kicked in the face.
You know, I don't mind getting beaten up.
But don't embarrass me.
You know, I don't, don't make me look stupid.
I, um, so he calls me up.
He goes, you know, Jimmy, I got a case of Budweiser and some girls.
And I was like, yeah.
You don't have to say anymore.
I'm, I'm ready.
Let's go.
And he comes and picks me up.
And I'm all excited.
I run out to the car.
Run down to the car.
Back door opens up.
This girl hops out.
I take one look at her.
And I'm thinking, get back in the car before the neighbors see you.
You know, I don't want, I don't want you to get this wrong.
I, I, I do have really low standards.
Like when, when no one's watching.
Okay.
Um, but, but I looked at her.
I was like, oh.
You know.
And she's like, hop in the middle.
You know.
And she's, you know, I, I played football with Doug and Tom and these guys.
I, I thought I was pretty tough.
But I didn't think I could take her.
You know.
I, I got in the middle.
Right.
And I noticed on the other side was her sister who was like probably the not so good looking one in the family.
And I look back and forth.
I'm like, oh.
You know.
But I look at her eyes.
She's got pretty eyes.
If I could just stick to the eyes.
What the hell.
You know.
So I, I start making my moves.
I'm, you know.
I'm trying to talk to her.
And I'm crapping.
I'm like stuttering and spitting on my, on her, on me.
It's like I got Tourette's.
I can't communicate.
I'm really bad at doing this.
I mean, you ever, believe me.
If you were watching me trying to hit on a girl, it would be as uncomfortable for you
as it was for me.
Okay.
I, um.
You know.
It just wasn't going well.
I was like, oh, shit.
You know.
Forget it.
You know.
And I just look forward.
And I'm thinking, jeez.
I get, I get out of here.
You know.
Maybe we'll hit a tree.
I'll go through the windshields.
It's just, it's just terrible.
You know.
And someone at, you know.
This kid, Mark.
And he was, he, he offered me a beer.
And I was like, yeah.
Sure.
Whatever.
I crack it up.
And I start sipping.
It wasn't, it wasn't very good.
I mean, in high school, what do you get?
You get beer that's been in the bushes for a few days.
So it was a little skunky.
I was like, ugh.
You know.
It was, it was, you know.
It was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was,
it was, it was.
You get a can of beer.
So, you get a can of beer.
And I was like.
Ugh.
You know.
But I get the first can down.
I was like.
This is, I can't believe that I got it down.
I crushed the can up.
Throwed it on the floor.
And someone offered me another one.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Whatever.
I started sipping that one.
You know.
And I got that one down.
I don't know if it was a second, the third, the fourth, a fifth beer.
But I'll tell you.
very first night drunk you could have diagnosed me as alcoholic because what happens to me does
not happen to everybody you know I am I remember drinking drinking all of a sudden I look over to
my left this girl lost 15 pounds and I started talking I didn't think about what I was gonna
say and what she was gonna say what I was gonna say to what she was saying you know what I mean
because usually when I'm talking to some girl and I'm like I want her but I know she's gonna
probably hurt my feelings I'm prepared for that okay I don't suffer by myself I you know I don't
go down alone you know I mean and she laughed you know and she said something and I left and
you know we're having a conversation now that's a pretty good deal for a guy who can't talk you
know alcohol works you know and but I don't stop drinking you know what a friend of mine said you
know that grip that alcohol has on the alcoholic you know we're what I've got planned later tonight
what I have planned tomorrow what I plan next week it doesn't matter how important that is when I put
alcohol in my system all bets are off the future is a mystery you know and you know it's like this
grip is so incredibly tight I can't get away I can't I can't talk myself out of it a friend of
mine said it's like having sex with a gorilla you're done when the grill is done I'm not getting
it next thing you know we're making out I'm like oh my god Budweiser the king of beers this is
fantastic man this is great we're like I'm in love you know it's like you know I finally got
a girlfriend you know but I keep drinking and next thing you know I'm making out with her sister now
she's all pissed off like we're engaged I'm like what you don't like your sister you know there's
plenty to go around you know and you know I I I soon was to hit my first bottom I'm laying
down in the parking lot I got cinders on my tongue you ever do that you know I got rocks in my face
in my chest you know and one of these girls she's stepping on my back because apparently I said
something I I don't I don't know why you know what was going on you know maybe maybe she's
never heard of Jenny Craig yeah I I don't know what I said you know what I mean they could have
been something about weight loss or facial hair I I have no idea okay but what what what become a
me is that when I'm drinking I'm the only one enjoying my drinking you know and I I don't
much care you know and that was my first bottom but parking lots believe me you know one very
few people make it the a a because of one parking lot you know the first one the first ones were off
you know but just keep drinking man it's not so bad you know I mean you know fast
forward I remember my first car wreck you know I am it was 50 foot of guard rail a telephone pole
until my body's in surgery, you know, it's pretty devastating, you know what I mean, these guys,
I don't know if I really cared about them, or I cared about what they were going to say about me,
you know what I mean, if we could have kept it a secret, you know, I probably wouldn't have had
so many regrets, that's the kind of selfishness that I have, you know, and, you know, I don't,
I wasn't one of those people to swear that I would never drink and drive, I was convinced that I was
a better driver when I was drinking, it certainly, when I drink, it relaxes me, you know what I mean,
I don't know if I'd ever have the nerve to do, like, a high-speed pursuit sober, you know, that's
pretty scary, there's a lot of things I've done driving, I don't think I could do sober,
I am, I remember, you know, a couple other car wrecks, you know, one time we hit these trees,
and, like, you know, just totaled this BMW,
another time we hit this van head-on, I went through the windshield, and it gets to the point
where my, where I'm drinking, where it's like, I don't, you know, I'm not dying, you know, some
people drinking and driving and dying, you know, some people killing other people, I'm not doing
any of, you know, I'm just, you know, wrecking some cars, you know, having a good time, you know,
this is what we do, you know, other people, I remember, I don't remember who it was,
and the exact circumstances,
but I recall this guy, like, whining and crying because I hit, like, a little, like, tree or
mailbox or something, and about a shoulder hurt and something, you know, I'm like, dude, are you
kidding me, you know, I, look at the front, look at the, look at the headlights, one's pointing
toward the ground, one's pointing toward the trees, there's a piece of mailbox in the grill,
there's dents on every side of my car, the front plate doesn't match the back plate, right, you
know, I don't have a driver's license, the car is not insured, I'm shit-faced when you got in the
car, and you're gonna bitch at me,
where, you know, you know, I mean, if you look at that car, how can you be shocked when it hits
something, you know what I mean, it's like, I mean, I can understand you have a brand new pristine,
you know, car, but that thing, I'm hitting something like it daily, you know, the first
time I get evicted, it's devastating, it's humiliating, you know, what do you do, you know,
how do you talk your way out of, you know, how do you tell people,
there's no, like, guide on, you know, what to do and how to do it, and, you know, the first time you
get evicted, it's, it's scary, you know, second time, it's a little bit easier, and if you keep
getting evicted, like I keep getting evicted, it gets easier, you know, the furniture is not, you
don't have a lot of it after a while, you know what I mean, you learn, yeah, I remember I, I moved
into this place in Morristown, and, you know, people, I had this big party, and people come over,
and they're like, dude, where's the furniture?
I'm like, ah, don't worry about it, we got food, we got drugs, come on in, you know, you know, we're
getting drunk, we, we steal all the neighbor's lawn furniture, problem solved, right, I remember
I was showing some girl in my bedroom, but you have to understand, this is not like a dump, this
is like, in 1986, okay, it was like $2,300 a month rent, right, so there's a fireplace, sunken
living room, washer, dryer, you know,
it's a beautiful place, right, in a nice neighborhood, right, and I'm showing this girl in my
bedroom, she goes, you have a chaise lounge for a bet? I'm like, yeah, it's pretty cool, huh, you know,
you know, and, and you drink like I drink, getting evicted, it's, you know, you don't need an
accountant, you know, to figure out why you're going to get evicted, you know, but again, it's
like, first month rent, month and a half, you know, you're going to get evicted, you're going to get
experience, two and a half months, it takes five months to throw you out, you double your money by
not paying the rent, you know, my keen accounting skills, you know, so, you know, I'm getting used
to that, and, you know, I remember I get drunk one night, and we're in New York, and we're, you know,
we're scoring some drugs, and we get ripped off, and we're like, oh, tough guys, right, we don't do
anything about it, but the next night, we get drunk, and then we decide that we're going back into New
York.
you know we start robbing street dealers right and uh it just got it was just spun out of control
you know the first couple it wasn't bad you know i mean but it it you know if you've never done that
you're gonna it's you know there's easier ways to get money um i am when i drank there's it gets
messy you know i am i the pain is so horrible when i stop though i can't imagine living life
sober it just it just i mean i can understand alcohol is a problem things get out of control
it gets really bad but when i'm sober things are worse you know forget about like just being
nervous i i'm the guy you know i could i could screw up like any relationship
you know what i mean i mean i go to a you give me a nice job i'm sober for a little while
they're paying me a lot of money and you know for no reason i'll start embezzling
you know what i'll do really well until the guy gives me a dirty look where he'll ask me why i
was late and i've been early every day for a month and now he wants to penalize me for being
five minutes late so i'll steal the fucking stapler right you know i'm like oh yeah you know
and then of course
Oh, no, no.
But as his punishments increase, so do mine.
Relationships, I mean, if I look at your life, I could see how you might get yourself in a jam.
I could see how maybe you shouldn't date that girl because she's married to a cop.
I can't see that in me.
Because it's always like, you don't understand.
You know what I mean? I'm saving her.
I have this way of seeing reality that is just very, very messy.
And it's actually messier when I'm sober than when I'm drinking.
When I'm drinking, I can keep everything at bay.
I drink myself to sleep.
It's just like medication.
I'm getting normal. I'm getting okay. I can talk again.
You know, before I started drinking...
I couldn't do a book report in front of the class.
I remember going to seventh grade dance.
It was girls on one side, guys on the other.
What could I do?
I mean, at first, there's a couple of kids out there, kind of nerdy kids,
and there's one guy and girl dancing.
We're like making fun of them.
And that's fine. I don't mind making fun of them.
But, you know, 20 minutes later, there's a few more people out there dancing.
An hour later, there's a lot of people out there dancing.
And I'm still trying to pick the girl who's likely to say yes, but not too embarrassing to be seen with.
Okay?
I would have, like I said, my standards are low.
I would have gone with anyone.
But I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to say and what she's going to say
and how I'm going to get her to dance and how I'm going to inflict as much emotional pain if she turns me down
as the pain that I feel by being rejected.
Now, I remember I picked out this one girl.
I'm thinking, okay, she'll say yes.
I sound out what I'm going to say, and I'm walking across the dance floor.
I get halfway across the dance floor, and it dawns on me,
you don't know how to dance.
Ugh.
And I'm trying to intellectualize the moves that I'm going to make.
When I'm on the floor.
And I see this kid over here.
He's bouncing up and down.
I think, I can do this.
I'm bouncing up and down.
I'm getting ready.
You know, I'm walking out there.
I'm getting ready.
And I see this other kid.
He's moving like this.
I'm thinking, well, I can't do exactly.
I'll mix it up a little bit.
Right?
You know, I kind of look like that guy at Applebee's who had the seizure last night.
You know?
I was like, fuck, man.
You know?
I don't know how to do it.
I'm just like, I'm pathetic.
You know what I mean?
I hope you're getting that picture that I'm really pathetic.
Okay?
And I don't have the skills that most people do to live successfully and happily.
And I don't play well with others.
Okay?
When I drink, what happened very, very quickly.
Okay?
In just a couple years of drinking, I made my way to Wall Street.
Okay?
I got a job being a stockbroker.
I quit college.
Okay?
Within six months, I was one of the top guys in the world.
I was one of the top guys at the firm.
Within a year and a half, I was number, like, eight, perhaps, in about 1,800 brokers.
I was making more money a month than my dad was making in a year.
Alcohol works.
Okay?
When I drink, alcohol taps you into this power that is absolutely marvelous and fantastic.
I feel good drinking.
Okay?
It doesn't last long.
I mean, you know, that phenomenon of craving is what gets me.
You know?
And, of course, you know.
I might mix it up with some South American agricultural products just to keep it going.
You know what I mean?
You know?
Alcohol gets messy.
You know what I mean?
I remember, you know, if you drink like I drink, your family will turn on you.
Your boss, your neighbors will turn on you.
The local police department will pick on you all the time.
My little sister, I love my little sister, she turned on me.
And, you know, one night at dinner, she's like, oh, you know what Jimmy did last night?
You know how you try to piece it together?
You're like, where was I?
You know?
And she goes, well, I came in.
It was like 2 o'clock in the morning.
And Jimmy was over there peeing in the dishwasher.
You know how you're going to deny it?
And I'm thinking, oh, did I?
You know?
Well, maybe there were dishes in the sink.
You know?
What the hell?
You know?
And it's another disappointment in my family.
I am, you know, my life was pretty much crapping out.
And I went to my first AA meeting, 1985.
You know?
And, you know, I was like, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It you know, I normaly, you know, almost all people are not so much crapping out.
And I went to my first AA meeting, 1985.
You know?
And it, you know, it as funny.
I was going out with this girl and I wanted to break up with her.
And she said, OK, I'll let you break up with me if you go to AA.
Whoever I, I've never heard that.
You know what I mean?
I was like, whoa.
You know what, I was like, OK.
You know, yeah.
So, I go to this meeting.
Right?
And I'm sitting there, and this guy, this speaker,
I don't know where the hell they got this,
but it was obvious that he got sober during Prohibition.
I was like, does this guy even know that it's legal now?
I'm like, you know, geez.
He's just, I drank for 30 years.
And I'm like, 30 years?
I'm not getting screwed out of my other 21 years of drinking.
I drank for nine.
Okay, how do you keep it going, you know?
That was my big, you know,
that's what I wanted to learn in AA.
You know, if this guy could drink for 30 years,
there's no reason we all can't drink for 30 years.
I had the idea, coming to AA, like, you know,
sending me to AA was like taking your dog to get neutered.
You know, it's like, oh, I hope you had a good run, Fido.
It's all over.
You know, this is the place, I figured, you know,
we were the people who had too much fun,
and this is where we pay it back.
Come on, who hasn't been sentenced?
You know, but the fact is that if you can't get a better buzz
than Alcoholics Anonymous than you can on the street,
you'll be on the street, right?
I mean, that's it.
No one sticks around AA unless you're going to have a buzz here,
unless it's good, unless you feel good here,
unless you can get the power here that I can get from alcohol and drugs.
If I can't plug into a power here that'll allow me to dance,
you know, that'll allow me to sing,
that'll allow me to fight, you know,
that'll allow me to do anything, I know where to get it.
Okay?
I'm looking for the power.
Lack of power is my dilemma.
I've got to have the power, you know?
And in AA, they're talking about God.
Now, that's a problem if you're an atheist.
I was an atheist, okay?
I don't buy it, you know?
I understand you believe in God.
Okay, that's nice for you.
I mean, I understand.
I used to believe in Santa Claus.
Okay?
Okay?
Other mythical creatures, that's fine.
The Easter Bunny, perhaps?
Okay?
But I'm not...
I was blessed with a level of intelligence, okay?
I don't get it.
I'm not going to...
You know, I want to believe.
You know, I want to feel better.
I want to feel the magic I used to feel when I had Santa Claus.
Okay?
But it's not happening.
Right?
I don't get it, you know?
I, um...
I don't know what time it is, but...
Okay, so somebody tell me when there's like five minutes left.
Anyway, the very first meeting,
I was convinced that if I ever became alcoholic,
I'd have a place to go.
Okay?
Okay?
That was my take-home.
You know what I mean?
I mean, certainly I wasn't ready to stop.
I mean, this guy was...
This guy had a very well-developed life, okay?
His life was like a plane, you know?
It's a jet.
It goes down the end of the runway, takes off,
he gets a house, a business, family, you know, all this stuff,
and he has a few too many drinks, and he comes in for a rough landing.
Now, my plane goes down the end of the runway,
right into the weeds.
Okay?
I'm not getting off the ground.
Okay, this guy, he's married, he has kids.
Married?
What a concept that was.
I mean, I can't get past the part in a relationship
where she doesn't leave when I went to bed.
Okay?
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I can get a girlfriend, okay?
I can get her home from the bar just fine.
Get her to spend the night.
But when she wakes up covered in urine,
I don't know.
How do you talk your way out of that?
You know what I mean?
I remember one girl, I blamed her.
You know?
What?
I am...
So what I did was I kept drinking.
I wasn't ready to get sober.
You know, two years later, I find myself in rehab.
Now, my boss was a little upset.
Apparently,
someone took about $55,000 of his money
and gave it to my Coke dealer.
Now, I was trying to convince my boss it was a loan.
And he made me pay him back, so I was right.
He told me I needed to do something.
And, you know, one thing led to another.
I went to see some...
He sent me to see some priests.
You know, I'm not religious.
At the time, I was, you know, atheist.
I wasn't Catholic.
But I knew he was very involved.
I was involved in teaching Sunday school.
He studied to be a priest at one point.
And so when he told me I had a problem with alcohol and drugs
and I was a mess and, you know...
The first thing that came out of my mouth was,
yes, I do.
I just need to see a priest.
And he bought it, you know?
So he sent me to see some priests in Brooklyn.
And I looked at this guy and I'm thinking,
oh, nice guy.
Really gentle, well-spoken, articulate, intelligent guy.
Obviously, he had like a very high IQ.
And, you know,
he was talking a little bit.
He asked me why I was there.
I said, well, it was, you know,
at the time, November of 1987,
and the market had crashed in October.
Our firm lost a lot of money.
That's how my boss found out that some money was missing.
And because he didn't audit on everything.
And I told him, I said, well, he seems like it's...
He's overreacting, you know, to what happened in the market.
He thinks I have like a drinking problem,
but I work on Wall Street.
It's the 80s, everybody's drinking, you know?
What's the big deal?
So he goes, well, would you mind if I asked you
about my drinking, your drinking?
And I'm like, yeah, okay.
So he said, well, how often do you get drunk?
Now, if you're ever asked how often you get drunk,
that's really a trick question, okay?
I might be drinking a lot recently, okay?
But if you're like a statistician,
you want to average back to the times
that you weren't drinking to even it out a little bit.
So I told him that I got drunk perhaps three times a week.
Didn't seem bad.
I mean, after all, sometimes, you know,
if I'm drinking, I might get drunk three times in a day.
You know, if you're puking by noon, you know,
you could be drunk again by seven, okay?
So, you know, he goes, oh, okay.
He said, well, you ever have a car crash?
You know, you ever drive drunk?
You know, I go, well, perhaps.
He goes, well, how often do you drive drunk?
And I thought, well, I hadn't had a license in five years,
and I didn't have a car.
But on occasion, I would get drunk.
I would borrow other people's.
Like, say you're at a party.
There's keys on the counter.
Someone's, like, everyone's passed out.
I'll take the car, okay?
And nobody's using it.
He wouldn't mind, you know?
So I told him maybe once a week I'd drive drunk, you know?
But I would drive drunk every day if he let me,
if I had a car or access to it.
You know, I love driving and drinking.
He goes, okay.
He goes, well, you ever do any other, you know, drugs
or anything?
I said, oh, perhaps like once a month, you know?
And I just kind of low-balled everything.
And he goes, all right.
I said, okay, well, I've got some really bad news for you.
I'm like, I haven't told him anything.
You know, I was like, he goes, well, listening to your story,
you know, he asked me if I was in some car racks.
I told him I was in a bunch of car racks.
And he goes, listening to your story, I have to let you know
that you're an alcoholic, and you can never safely drink again.
So I looked back at him, and I noticed
that his suit was polyester, okay?
I noticed he had a space between his teeth.
I was thinking about the headlines
where the priests were molesting all these kids.
And I was thinking, I don't know if I could trust this guy.
All right?
And I was getting pretty pissed at him.
I was actually thinking about beating him up.
And I was like, you know, this guy's a jerk.
You know, I'm like, man, I'm getting pissed.
And he goes, calm down.
He's like really trying to calm me down.
He goes, well, just, you know,
just imagine what do you want to do with your life?
I said, well, I want to have fun.
That was always the response I would give.
I just want to have fun.
He goes, well, what does that mean?
Do you ever want to have a family?
I said, yeah, I'd like to get married, have kids.
And he said, could you imagine that, you know,
one day you just have a couple of drinks, and you find yourself
with your kid in the back of the car getting in a car crash,
and your kid getting killed?
And I just had this moment of clarity thinking,
that could easily happen.
You know, I'm crashing all the time.
I'm drinking all the time.
I'm driving all the time.
I'm crashing all the time.
I mean, how could, statistically, it probably had to happen.
You know, I just saw the truth for one second.
I was like, oh, oh, yeah.
And it just hit me.
I'm like, oh, my god.
I said to him, I said, I'm an alcoholic.
Holy shit, oh, my god.
He goes, you can't drink.
And I said, OK.
I go back to work.
I tell my boss, I'm an alcoholic.
He goes, no, no shit.
I just.
I just don't have to drink.
And I was like, OK, OK.
So I went home.
I don't know what the hell happened,
but I was shit-faced by 10 o'clock.
I don't know.
I remember going to the bar.
And I think what it is is it should be illegal
to charge $3 for a soda and $2 for a beer.
I think they're just ripping alcoholics off.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I found myself drunk the next day.
I was late for work.
I'm all hungover again.
And I discovered that I couldn't stop drinking.
That was the first time I tried to really stop drinking.
And then what happened very quickly after that
is I would drink all night, and I wouldn't get drunk.
And I couldn't shut my head off.
I couldn't stop thinking.
And then no matter what I would drink,
I would just start chugging Jack Daniels.
And I couldn't stop thinking.
And the next night, I'd have just three beers.
And I'd be slurring my words.
I'd be staggered.
My body started to very, you know, just,
it was processing alcohol in just very bizarre ways.
It was very unpredictable.
A little bit would get me wasted,
and a lot would, nothing would happen.
Or it would be vice versa.
I had no idea what the hell was going to happen
and how much I could tolerate that night.
And what happened in November of 1987,
I found myself in rehab.
And I needed to regroup.
You know?
There was periods of time where I would just stop drinking
for a little while, and then I would,
I'd be able to get back at it, you know?
But I couldn't stop.
So I had to take some time off.
I just, I had no intention of really stopping.
You know, I could not picture my life without drinking.
So I went to rehab.
Some guy comes in from AA.
He had like three years sober, which seemed entirely,
entirely excessive, OK?
Like this guy, how, I mean, three years
is a really long time to suffer, OK?
I couldn't imagine not drinking for three years.
But he seemed pretty happy, and I didn't understand.
He said, you know, three years ago, I got down on my knees,
and I said a prayer to a God I didn't believe in.
From that day to this day, I've not picked up a drink.
I think there might be a connection.
I was like, OK.
I guess if I prayed, so long as I don't have to believe.
OK?
And that's what I did.
The next morning, I got down on my knees
and said a prayer to a God I didn't believe in.
And from that day to this day, I've not picked up a drink.
I think there might be a connection.
And that's been more than 24 years.
And I wish that's all I had to do.
And there was no burning bush.
There was no white light.
There was nothing like that.
All that happened was I was willing to follow some
direction out of my own making.
In order for me to have a new experience,
I have to take new action.
Now, if that action's hindered by my thinking of what I think
is a good idea, you can't give me like a buffet in Alcoholics
Anonymous.
You can't say, oh, take what you want and leave the rest.
You know, I'm not going to get sober.
I've got to take action.
That's very predictive.
So I've got to take the actions outlined in the big book,
Alcoholics Anonymous, because that is the recipe.
That is the recipe for getting sober.
I mean, I see the picture of the cake in the book,
Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's like happy, joyous, and free,
walking hand-in-hand with our creator,
rocketed in the fourth dimension.
All that stuff, right?
But I see a lot of people in AA whose lives
are nothing like that.
And it reminds me of how.
How I cook, OK?
When I cook, say there's a recipe, and there's a cake,
and it looks very logical, OK?
But somewhat inconvenient, OK?
Now, it says use four eggs.
I have five left.
I'm not going to eat just one egg.
So I put all five in, right?
It says two cups of flour.
I have one and a half.
Whatever.
It says, you know, cup of sugar, and I have half a cup.
But I have some brown sugar.
I'll throw that in.
Maybe a little bit of sweet and low.
What the hell, you know?
Go down.
I'll stir this shit up, right?
It says preheat the oven at 450, OK?
Lower to 375, cook for 45 minutes.
I don't have 45.
I have a half hour.
I'll leave it at 450, right?
Now, if you want to taste my cake,
you're going to, it's not going to taste nor look
like what you would see in the recipe book, OK?
OK?
I mean, and if you look at some lives, like my life,
when I'm not active in Alcoholics Anonymous,
when I'm not sponsoring people in Alcoholics Anonymous,
when I'm not checking in, when I'm not praying,
when I'm not meditating, when I'm not inconveniencing myself
for other alcoholics, I'm not happy, joyous, and free.
My life sucks, OK?
I'm like every unemployed bum bitching
at the guy with the Mercedes driving by.
What a jerk.
What a .
Because I want what he has, but I'm not
willing to do the work to get it, OK?
In Alcoholics Anonymous, I want the buzz, man.
I got to do what's necessary.
I get out of rehab, right?
I go to my first meeting, and the guy, they told me in rehab,
put your hand up when you go to a meeting and ask for rides.
Tell them you're new.
Tell them you're out of rehab and you need rides.
I was like, that's a bad idea.
It was like 10 degrees, though, and I didn't have a ride home.
I figured, OK, what the hell?
What the hell?
All right?
So I put my hand up.
I said, Jim, I just got out of rehab.
I need rides to meetings.
Everybody can help me?
Great.
That's it.
They told me to say that in rehab.
So after the meeting, I walk outside.
I expect a whole line of people to choose from, right?
No one's there.
I see some lady come out.
She looks at me.
I look at her.
She, like, holds on to her pocketbook extra tight
and runs toward her car.
You know what I mean?
It's like, what a bitch, you know?
Some guy comes out.
He walks right by me.
I think, I hate AA, these hypocrites.
You know, can you believe that?
I'm the new guy.
Give me a ride home, goddammit, you know?
I'm like, you know, I'm like, what the hell?
You know, next week, I'll come early to the meeting.
I'll put 100 hits of acid in the coffee pot.
We'll finally have a good meeting, all right?
I was thinking, nah, I don't have the money for that.
What I'll do is I'll come a little late.
When you're all in at the meeting, you know,
praying and, you know, worshipping Jesus or whatever
the hell.
You're doing.
You're doing in there.
I'll be outside slashing all your tires in the parking lot.
Then after the meeting, we could all walk home together, right?
And what happened was some guy just came walking out
just that second and said, I can give you rides.
I was like, oh, shit, you know?
I started talking to him for a second.
It ends up he lives two blocks from where my mom lived,
where I was sleeping on the couch.
And I was thinking, oh, no, there's not a god, is there?
I don't mind praying, but I don't really want a god, you know?
That would mean I was wrong, you know?
In fact, you know, if you're atheist, if you're here in AA
and you're atheist, I have some bad news, OK?
If you change your definition of god to something you believe in,
you can no longer be an atheist, OK?
If you change your definition, say you believe in love or luck
or in the magic and .
And that becomes your definition for god, you're screwed.
OK?
Because that's what I did.
I just changed my definition.
You know, they, you know, I heard all the ideas, you know, these ideas about what god
was and maybe he was and wasn't, and I just changed my definition, you know?
And then what happened was is god started appearing everywhere, you know, and the coincidence
was just absolutely fantastic.
So anyway, this guy gives me a ride home and, you know, we stop at the diner, some other
guys from AA.
I didn't really want to hang out with those guys.
I don't like letting people know where I live.
I don't like letting people know where I live.
What my real name is, because it's just a matter of time before you're looking for
me.
You know what I mean?
If you're going to be my friend toward the end of my drinking, you're going to come looking
for me.
OK?
Because I don't really pay attention to boundaries, what your, what's your property, who you're
married to.
I, I, I, you know, when I'm drinking, it's, it's a free-for-all, you know?
And a lot of people, you know, come looking for me when I'm drinking, you know?
And anyway.
And anyway, the guy drops me off, he says, you know, I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7.
And I'm thinking, how does he know I don't have plans?
You know, I had nothing going on, my schedule's open.
Yeah.
So I was like, OK.
You know, he comes, picks me up, drags me to a meeting, sits me in the front row.
He sits next to me.
The secretary's like, any newcomers?
He goes to me, that's you.
I'm like, mind your own damn business.
Leave me alone.
You know, I got it.
You know?
Secretary's like, no newcomers?
The guy assaulted me.
He elbowed me.
He wanted me to leave.
You know, I got it.
You know?
Secretary's like, no newcomers?
The guy assaulted me.
He elbowed me.
He went, ugh.
And I was like, ow.
What?
Right in the liver.
I was like, ow.
The secretary's like, yes?
I was like, oh, shit.
Jim, alcoholic.
29 days sober.
Everyone, thunderous applause.
It was like clapping.
Everybody's like, all right.
Overnight, I was like a rock star in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I was like, I'm the man.
You know, I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I'm the man.
I don't mind if you treat me special all the time.
If it's not too much to ask, if you could treat me like it's my birthday every day,
I would really appreciate it.
And I feel like that's what I deserve.
Maybe other people don't need the love that I need.
You know what it's like to live your whole life knowing that nobody ever really loved
you.
They can never love.
I was like this sinkhole for love.
You know what I mean?
You buy me shit.
with the one day you just like forget to treat me special I'm like what are they doing to me
you know it's like it's like I would rather be beaten you know and uh so the next day of course
I'm at the meeting you know secretary is anybody new I'm like over here you know you know 30 days
over everyone's clapping and that goes on pretty well you know really well for a while until this
kid Billy gets out of rehab anybody knew he beat me to the drawing really have a hug 17 days over
all of a sudden there's a thunderous applause for him I look at the guy I'm thinking
I go the guy next to me I don't even think he's alcoholic
yeah you know if he is he's probably still drinking look at him let's get back to the
main course right you know because I love the attention you know and you know if you're new
I can tell you
I don't know if that goes away.
I was telling a story last night.
I went to this wedding.
This guy and a girl in our home group got married.
And, of course, they talk all synonymous,
so they had the kid before the wedding.
Okay?
And they asked me to be godfather.
Pretty good on it.
I was in the wedding.
And I have this tuxedo on at the wedding, right?
And I'm like, oh, look at me, look at me.
And some guy comes up.
I hadn't seen him in a few years.
He goes, Jim, you look great.
Good, good, yeah.
I'm like, yeah, yeah.
So when I comes up, oh, Jim, good to see you.
Oh, yeah, you look good.
Yeah, I'm talking to these guys.
And then the bride walks in.
Everybody starts looking at her.
I'm like, well, what about me?
And I'm looking over at the bride thinking, you whore.
I remember when you got sober.
Anyway, hey, I only had 22 years at the time.
So there's hope for growth.
Anyhow, I'm running around AA.
And what's happening is that I feel good in AA.
I like AA meetings.
I like the atmosphere.
I like the fellowship.
I like the laugh and the giggle.
What it's like when I'm new in AA is I'm laying in bed.
I wake up in the morning.
And it's like waking up in oncoming traffic.
And it's like this idea.
It's like, oh, IRS.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
And then I've got like warrants from towns I've never been to.
I just like, oh.
I'm like, wait.
I haven't even opened my eye.
My feet haven't hit the floor.
And I'm having like a panic attack.
I'm like, ah.
And all I have to do is I've got to hold on like nine or ten hours
until I get to the AA meeting.
OK.
Because I know like halfway through, I'm like, oh, I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA.
I'm going to go to AA through the meeting.
Some guy is going to say something totally inappropriate.
And I'm going to go, ah.
Ah.
And I'll take the first full breath of the day.
And I'll like, ah.
And I'll be OK.
But what happens is if you're new and you have that experience in AA,
it's great.
But it doesn't last long.
Coming to AA and not working the steps is like going to a bar
and not drinking.
It's only good for a little while.
You can only get so lucky.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
You know, whether you find a drunk girl in AA or at the bar, you know, I mean, but that's the best you're going to do, okay?
But I'll tell you, when I go to a bar, I got to drink.
I got to drink.
That's why I'm there, you know what I mean?
We don't go to a whorehouse to listen to the piano player, okay?
Okay?
I don't care how much you like music, okay?
Okay?
I come to AA because I need the buzz, man.
So I go to a meeting, right, and I'm going to a discussion.
I'm holding on all day, all day, all day.
Some lady's sharing about her cat.
She goes, my cat's sick.
I'm like, is your cat an alcoholic?
She goes, I think my cat's going to die.
I'm like, it is.
I hear some other guy.
He's like, I don't think I was breastfed.
I was like.
Are you kidding me?
Was this recent?
Who the hell?
Let's talk about the guy.
Let's talk about the IRS.
Let's talk about felonies.
Let's talk about getting your life together.
Let's talk about warrants.
And I leave the meeting.
I'm crazier than I was when I got there.
All right?
One night, this guy drops me off at home.
I'm like, oh.
I'm hanging on.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table.
If I stay at the kitchen table, I won't get drunk.
I just can't move from the table.
I'll just stick.
I'll hold on to it.
And it's like, it's 10 o'clock.
And I look at the clock.
It's 11 o'clock.
And then it's 12 o'clock.
And then it's 1 o'clock.
I'm like, ah!
And I'm thinking about where my mom's pocketbook was.
I had this thing going with my mom.
Now, at first, your family loves you.
You get out of rehab.
They're all like, oh, you're doing so well.
You know, Jimmy, did you notice I left my pocketbook on the counter?
We trust you.
My mom and I, we had this pocketbook thing going since high school.
Because I remember one day, she goes, Jimmy, you know, I'm going to the mall.
I'm buying a new pocketbook.
You want to come?
And I'm like, all right.
She goes, well, I figured maybe you'd want to pick it out.
You're in it more than I am.
But now she trusts me, right?
But then she's, like, looking at me weird.
Like, you know, she wants me to go to work.
And she's always been disappointed.
And all these ideas about what she's thinking about me are just starting to eat me alive.
Okay?
And what happens is, I'm going crazy.
You know?
I call up this guy at 1 o'clock in the morning.
He's a good member of AA.
And what happens is, you know, he answers the phone at 1 o'clock.
Okay?
You know, he's not screaming.
He answers it.
You know, I'm like, hey, how you doing?
He's like, who's this?
I said, Jimmy Vaughn.
I go, I didn't wake you, did I?
And he lied.
He said, no.
He goes, what's going on?
I was like, nothing.
He's like, do you want to come by?
I'm like, okay.
And I hung up.
That was the quickest hang up you've ever, what would happen if he changed his mind?
You know what I mean?
Okay.
I hung up, ran downstairs, opened the garage.
I stole my little sister's purple Schwinn with the bell in the basket and fringes on the handlebar.
I raced over to the guy's house, right?
I get there.
I bang on the door.
He's like, come on in.
Sit down.
He makes me a sandwich.
He did something radically different than all the therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists.
Okay?
If you're like me, if you think like I do, they're going to send you to see people.
Okay?
And they mean well.
Okay?
But when, how do you, how do you be, how can you really possibly, how can you be a therapist?
How can you be a therapist?
How can you really possibly be honest with these people?
They'll say things like, just like trick questions.
It's like, Jim, how you doing?
I'm like, before you ask me one, you ask me her now.
You know?
And then, you know, I just, they don't think that it's all that common or normal to have homicidal thoughts.
You know what I mean?
I mean, I could just think about like killing somebody just because they embarrassed me.
You know what I mean?
Apparently.
That's not common outside these meetings.
Okay?
Like, the insecurity.
I try to be honest.
But even with these therapists and psychiatrists, I can't be honest because I'm too terrified they're going to judge me.
You know?
How the hell do they get, you know, I get really close and then they start writing.
I'm like, what do you, well, I didn't know.
I'm going to go off record.
You know?
It's like, let me explain that part.
You know?
I'm terrified.
And what this guy did was radically different.
And every, every therapist, because what he did was he started telling me his story.
You know, he's like, oh, you're working in New York.
Yeah.
A lot of drinking in New York.
Oh yeah.
He went back and forth.
He ends up, he goes, must be tough getting sober in New York.
And I go, oh yeah, you have no idea.
Yeah.
I got sober in New York.
I looked at him.
I was like, I couldn't believe anybody possibly could get sober working in New York.
He's like, yeah, one night we're out drinking.
I was like, yeah.
He goes, well, we're out.
We're in the back of this cab.
We're a shit face, man.
You know, next thing you know, another cab comes around the corner.
Smash.
Smash is in the cab.
I go, yeah.
So he said, well, driver got out, the two drivers arguing back and forth.
He said, I got tired of waiting, jumped up front and took the cab.
I was like, I was like, that's cool.
Okay.
That is very cool.
Can you get, you get a sponsor who stole cars?
I mean, you could talk to the guy a little bit.
You know what I mean?
You know, he's like, ah, and I relaxed.
That was the first I felt comfortable, you know, he goes, you know, next, next thing
you know, we're in the tombs.
I look at this guy.
This guy in the tombs.
He was arrested in the jail in New York.
I was like, oh.
He said, yeah, they had a shackles.
I was like, oh.
Yeah.
I'm just, I'm just remembering, you know, just glimpses in my past.
And he goes, yeah.
He said, it was kind of odd.
I said, why is that?
He said, there was a woman on each side.
I said, wait a minute.
They separate the men and the women.
He said, well, I looked down.
They had really big hands.
I was like, uh, he said, I looked up in there.
They had Adam's apples.
I was like, oh my God.
They had Adam's apples.
They had Adam's apples.
They had Adam's apples.
They had Adam's apples.
They had Adam's apples.
I said, well, next thing you know, I was telling him a story.
I said, that's nothing.
One night I was down by Washington Square Park, drink a little bit.
Next thing you know, I'm chasing this transvestite around the park with a hatchet.
Right?
Now, you can't bring that to therapy.
You know what I mean?
You know?
You bring that story to therapy.
You know what they're going to say?
Jim, why don't you explain the series of events that led up to the chase?
Now, that's not something I want to talk about.
You know?
I mean, that's not something I want to talk about.
Now, I don't mind telling you now this perfectly good explanation.
I wanted my money back.
He looks at me.
He looks at me.
He laughs.
This guy told me the sexual escapade that would have scared Jeffrey Dahmer.
I was like, you what?
This guy's a freak, man.
I'm going to get the hell out of here.
I can't believe it.
I thought AA was a good outfit.
This guy, I'm getting that.
When he goes to the bathroom, man, I'm out of here.
Right?
Wait a minute.
I did the same thing.
I'm not going to tell him.
He'll judge me.
Right?
So, you know, I told him another one.
He told me another one.
I told him this story about Saturday morning.
I was drinking one day.
Just a little bit of beer.
But someone pulled out some Jack Daniels and the beast was already awake.
So, he started drinking.
You know, I'm just drinking.
I'm chugging Jack.
And this guy's hitchhiking over in Denville on Route 10.
And we decided to pick him up.
And a couple minutes later, we decided to keep him.
Now, you can't bring that to therapy.
You've got to worry about, like, statute of limitations.
I don't know what they have to report.
You know?
And, you know, I mean, it wasn't real kidnapping.
You know what I mean?
He was over 18.
We let him go.
No ransom.
We kept him for a little while.
Right?
So, anyway, that went back and forth.
An hour and a half later, this guy knew about me, okay, you know, more than, you know,
in an hour and a half, more than 20 years of therapists combined.
I looked up from his shoes.
I noticed he had blue eyes.
And I was different.
I tapped in to the Magic and Alcoholics Anonymous.
You know?
It's when you guys share with me who you are, what you are, that allow me to come out of
my shell and be honest for the first time I could ever remember.
And by doing that, I come alive.
And I tap into a connection and a closeness with other human beings that I didn't know
was possible.
I mean, drinking comes...
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
You know?
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
It's a close second, but it's not as good.
You know?
And I'll finish up with this.
You know, 1% of my recovery is going through the steps with a sponsor.
The other 99% is taking other guys through the steps.
You know?
I mean, you want to look at how good your sobriety is?
Look at...
When's the last time you had a wet drunk in your car?
You know?
When's the last time you saw a seizure?
You know what I mean?
When's...
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
a guy who is rich.
A guy who's making a few million dollars a year.
Just teach me what to do. The guy told me how to
dress, what to read. He told me exactly
how to conduct myself. Same thing
in Alcoholics Anonymous. I got a sponsor.
He told me where to sit, what to say, what to read.
He told me what to do and how to do it
in order to get what he had.
Now, that's the deal. It's just
a principle. This isn't magic.
You know what I mean? A lot of people don't believe in strong
sponsorship. I do. I want somebody to help save
me from me. I need...
I'm the enemy. I am the bad
guy here. I need help
to save me from me.
And that's what we
have sponsors for.
I love Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything
good in my life is a direct result of being here
with you guys. My life,
where it was and where it is today, you just can't
get there.
I want to thank you,
Rob and Joe, for having
me speak up here. It's a privilege
to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous.
And that's it. Thanks.
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