My Mind Is Out to Get My A*s — First Line I Ever Heard in AA – Phil M.

About This Speaker Tape

Phil M. shares 31 years of sobriety from a Monday Night Blue Chip speaker meeting at the Navajo Club. He opens heavy — just back from a cabin weekend where his first sponsor Cliff, now slipping into dementia, reminded him how much of his life he's shared with men who are dying off. From there he walks his two lives: the kid who took his first bourbon-and-Coke from a beloved uncle at five, the teenager who stole 96 cases of beer and started drinking in the mornings, the young man with 14 DUIs who could never remember driving sober, and the federal inmate at Butner carving contraband picture frames in the carpentry shop.

The tape's emotional hinge is his brother. Phil's last words to him were "it won't be no great loss," minutes before his brother blew a hole in his heart in alcohol withdrawal. Phil shattered his ankle falling off the porch and was held in surgery recovery on doctor's orders until his brother was in the ground. A spiritual presence visited him that night — "live as I live and you'll die as I die" — and he still drank hard for another two and a half years, ending with pneumonia, cirrhosis, three grand mal seizures, and a mild stroke at Gwinnett Medical.

His moment of clarity came in Beaufort Treatment Center when he heard a man in a meeting say "my mind is out to get my ass." Light bulb. He remembered getting off the bus in Knoxville six months sober from federal prison, buying two beers on a 15-minute layover, and watching the job, the marriage, and the business evaporate. He knelt and asked a Higher Power he didn't know for help. No bolt of lightning — but no drink since February 12, 1988.

He closes on the mechanics of staying sober: he cannot not drink no matter what he swears, so the only choice he has is working the program. He warns about resting on laurels, getting put on pedestals in the home group, and going quiet. He's just coming out of one of those stretches himself — two new pigeons, one living in the parking lot, and a knock-down fight with his wife Amy over how much to give a homeless newcomer from Goodwill.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Meeting opens at Navajo Club Monday Night Blue Chip; Phil introduces himself with sobriety date February 12, 1988
• 2:30 Weekend memorial for a friend with 35 years; first sponsor Cliff now slipping into dementia
• 6:00 First drink at five — uncle hands him a tumbler of bourbon and Coke on grandmother's Christmas Eve birthday
• 9:30 Superman suit story — jumps off porch in real cape, lands in the yard humiliated; belle-the-neighbor reads 'machine washable' off the tag
• 12:00 Stole 96 cases of beer at 15 and started drinking every morning, never stopped until age 30
• 15:00 14 DUIs; picked up two on consecutive days, same bondsman, who called him a violator
• 22:00 Brother dies in alcohol withdrawal seconds after Phil tells him his death 'won't be no great loss'; Phil shatters his ankle off the porch
• 28:00 Brother's presence visits in the night — 'live as I live and you'll die as I die'; dad calls at 6 a.m. begging him to stop
• 34:00 Moment of clarity in Beaufort Treatment Center hearing a man say 'my mind is out to get my ass'; Phil remembers the Knoxville layover and kneels to ask a Higher Power for help
• 48:00 Back in home group after resting on laurels — two new pigeons, one in the parking lot, and a knock-down fight with his wife Amy over Goodwill clothes for a homeless newcomer