Maybe Light Beer Only — I Mean What Else Can You Come Up With? 🫠 – Tammy F.

My name is Tammy and I'm an alcoholic. Nervous alcoholic. And when I get nervous I just drink and drink and drink and drink. Go figure. And I know I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I just keep drinking and drinking. I want to thank the committee for inviting me. What a privilege and an honor to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous. Thanks Sue for hosting me. She's been a trip now. It's been fun. I guess you guys usually say your sobriety date so I'll just say that my sobriety date is July the 16th, 1991. And for that I am so grateful. I do have a home group and I do have a sponsor and I think both of them are very important too. My home group is the Last House Group in Millbrook, Alabama. And it's the best group in the country. And my sponsors have always told me if you don't think your home group's the best then find another one. I want to tell you that I get so nervous speaking. It's my life. It's my least favorite thing to do in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd rather be at the group setting out the chairs or cleaning ashtrays or anything. And I just get so nervous and just sick nervous. And the first time I ever spoke from a podium in Alcoholics Anonymous I was in an institution and they took us out. Four of us out of the institution. And I guess I would have done anything to get out of there for a few minutes. But I was so nervous. And when I got there I started fidgeting with the podium. I put my foot up on a shelf and the whole thing went rolling out in the middle of the floor. And all those old timers were looking at me like what in the hell is she doing to our podium? You know? The next time I spoke I had been sober a little over a year. And I spoke at a meeting in Selma, Alabama in this old building. And it was about to fall down. And I went in and I put my purse in. And I said, I'm going to go to the gym. And I put my purse on the sink. And the whole sink came off the wall. So I just pushed the sink back up and went and sat down. And a few minutes later the pipes bursted. And water was going everywhere. And I was like, Lord, what happened? You know? Yeah. So anyway, maybe we're safe up here. It looks pretty sturdy. I hope so. You know, I always love watching the show. I always love watching the interpreters sitting here and watching them carry the message. And I do have a funny story. I was speaking. I don't even remember where. But there was a California speaker before me. And the interpreter was just trying to keep up with them. You know how fast they talk. You know, just trying to sign fast enough. And so when I was speaking, I looked over and I noticed she was like this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I guess she was trying to get my southern drawl. But we do appreciate you very, very much. And I'm going to keep my eyes on you. I told my sponsor once, I said, you know, I just want to be a funny speaker. I love funny speakers. And she said, well, Tammy, your story's pretty sad. So, I said, I'm sorry. I don't really know what to do. But you know, I'm sorry. I love it. I love it. anyway that's all I got is my story and I want to tell you guys I love your theme I love that and when you got when you were reading that from a vision for you I was over there tearing up God isn't that it's just so deep and when I think of this you know great events will come to pass for you and others you know that's what my story is about and that's what I want to tell you I want to tell you the story about how it was the nightmare that it was and then what happened and how I got in AA and then I want to tell you just this you know how this journey has been and the events how God has just blessed me and blessed me over and over and not just me but my family which is so important so I'll start I was born at an early age see that's funny I don't know that's pretty funny I was born in Montgomery Alabama and I have one brother my mom got pregnant when she was really young and back in the 60s that wasn't really the cool thing to do she was 17 my dad he had long hair and he rode a Harley and he shot pool for a living and sold a little drugs on the side and so that's how it all started so I guess you could say right away I wasn't from the leave it to beaver family you know it all started there I used to want to really figure out what happened you ever want to figure that out you know was I born an alcoholic you know something what made me turn into an alcoholic and there's a old timer our group and he used to always say it really don't matter how the jackass got in the ditch I guess it really don't matter for us alcoholics does it you know my mom probably did drop me on my head when I was a baby you know I wouldn't doubt it but the thing is if I take a drink I don't act right and I know that for sure but I really did used to try to figure it out and I'm not going to give you a childhood you know analysis but I would like to say growing up and I hear a lot of speakers say this I just never fit in I never fit I didn't fit with the cool kids I didn't fit in at church I was raised a Catholic any Catholics you know it's busy Neil sits down Neil sits down I mean I could never keep up I could never keep up with all that so most Sundays my grandmother had me by the ear you know in church and had one grandmother that was a devout Catholic one that was a Southern Baptist so hey you know a lot of confusion over religion growing up so I never fit there I just I never did didn't fit in with the jocks it just didn't fit and it was like that for me until I was 12 years old and I took my first drink of alcohol now I don't know if you guys heard John last night anybody hear him wasn't he great you slap a blonde wig on John and he told my story I mean it's my story he might be a little darker but other than that took that first drink and I don't remember a lot but I remember that I mean I hear some speakers do some don't I did I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I went out with my best friend and we lived in the projects you know my dad had left when I was about three years old my mom raised me and my brother and we lived in the projects I lived upstairs she lived downstairs and we went out we got drunk on red monk duck that was the cool thing back then and I can remember as I drank those wine coolers and it went down and it hit me it was like magic and for the first time I fit I fit in I remember I remember I had 30 different alcohols I had six six bottles of wine I had five different willy-nilly and then I had a few more bottles of in. I fit in the skin. I was as pretty as, as funny as. I would do whatever, dance on the car, it didn't matter. I found magic that night. Now I'm going to tell you, I got in trouble that night and I got in a lot of trouble after that. We made it home. I didn't get caught. I was in my room. The room was spinning, but my mom didn't catch me. Well, my best friend goes home. She lived downstairs. She starts throwing up. Now remember, she's 11 years old. Her mom comes in and says, well, honey, have you been eating red candy? No. Her mom rushed her to the emergency room, thought she was throwing up blood. So the doctor came out laughing and said, there's nothing wrong with this kid, but she's drunk on red wine. Busted. We were busted. Her mom called my mom. My mom beat me to the death, put me on restriction for two months. I don't know. 10 years. But it really didn't matter what the consequences were. It really didn't because I had found magic. I had found something to help me fit in. Now they talk about a line that you cross into alcoholism. I don't know much about all that, but I can tell you if there is one, I crossed it that night because I was only 12. So of course I couldn't drink every day, but my whole life started revolving around. Drinking alcohol. If I wasn't drinking it, I was planning it. I was thinking about it. You know, I crossed that line. I found magic. And I can tell you that my life just started going downhill from there. You know, I started skipping school, started hanging around with the wrong people, going out on weekends, started doing other stuff, smoking other stuff. And I will tell you that drugs are part of my story. You know, here's my deal with it. If you were born after 1930 and you hadn't smoked pot, where were you? I mean, you know. You hear a lot of times, the old timers, you say the word drug and they're like, you know, but I respect the traditions. And all I want to tell you is this is my drug story. My uncle Clarence summed it up for me. My uncle Clarence was a wino. And, he was a wino like we view winos. You know, the trench coat had his wine in a paper bag. He went, he slept under the bridge. He got a check at the first of the month. He'd come home. We'd rob him. He'd go back under the bridge. You know, just that typical wino life. And, um, I had been out one night and, you know, I came to and I was sick as a dog. And I looked at Clarence and I said, Clarence, give me a drink. And he said, I don't have a drink. I don't have a drink. Give me a drink of that wine. I was sick. I took a big old drink of it. It was hot, wild Irish rose. First thing in the morning. And I spit it out. And I looked at Clarence with all the disgust you can imagine. And I said, Clarence, you eat nothing but a wino. And I'll never forget he looked back at me with all the disgust you can imagine. And he said, well, at least I'm not a inio. You'll do any damn thing. Now, Clarence summed me up that night. I was an inio. I would drink, you know, Mad Dog 20 or Crown Royal. If you gave me a handful of pills in the bar, I just took them. It could be X-lax or anything. You know, I'd drink it, smoke it, take it, shoot it. It didn't matter. So Clarence just summed up my whole drug story. I was an inio. By the time I was in the eighth grade, I quit school. And I can remember I started going in and out of juvenile detention, and my mom used to come pick me up. And we'd be driving back. And she'd say, where did I go wrong? And I'd be like, I don't know, but you went wrong somewhere. And the baffling part of this disease is that I really had no idea myself. You know, I crossed that line. I didn't know. I didn't say I want to grow up and do all the things that I do. I didn't say I want to do all the things that I do. I didn't say I want to grow up and do all the things that I do. I didn't say I want to grow up and do all the things that I do. I didn't say I want to grow up and do all the things that I do. I did in my alcoholism, but that's just the way it went. When I was 14, I may have been 15, my knight in shining armor came in, and he robbed drugstores for a living. And so life really meant something then, and we just gallivanted around the southeast and robbed drugstores and burglarized drugstores. And you know, the chances are when you live that way, you're going to get caught, and we did. We got caught in Mississippi, and of course I was still a juvenile, and he got 45 years in Parchman, anybody that knows the prison system there, and I was shipped back to Alabama to my mom. But you know, I was 17 years old, and I was a daily drinker, and I had to do a lot of things that I'm not proud of to get that next drink. And every day when I woke up, it was who am I going to rob? Con, steal, cheat, manipulate to get that next drink. And that's just the way life was. You know, I heard Wino Joe, and he said every morning when he woke up and he threw his arm off the bed, if it was carpet, it was going to be a good day. And if it was concrete, it was going to be a bad day. And that's kind of the way my life was at this point. But you know, around that time, this keen alcoholic mind started trying to figure out what the problem was. And I did. I figured it out. It was Montgomery, Alabama. And there's more police there than people. And they're always picking on me. And so I decided that I would go to Texas, and life was going to be great. And I had this vision, me in Texas, a cowboy, a farm, ranch, or whatever they call it, horses, cows, good bourbon. It was beautiful. So I hitchhiked to Texas, which would be your first clue. It wasn't going to be that great. And I got to Texas, and I took a drink. They do have alcohol in Texas, too. And I was just like a Tasmanian devil running around Texas doing the same thing. You know, when I got to AA, you guys said, everywhere you go, there you are. I used to think, what in the hell does that mean? You know? But today, I know what that means, because there I was in Texas, and nothing was different. And so I stayed on the run for a couple years. Had a bondsman that was looking for me out of Montgomery, and just was living on the run. And I don't know how many of you have ever done that, but you get tired, and it's really hard. And after about two years, I just couldn't take it anymore. And I called my mom and told her I wanted to come back. So my mom paid for my ticket back, and got me an attorney. And I went in front of the judge that was looking for me, and he gave me a 10-year sentence, and suspended it, and gave me five years probation. And I can tell you now that I did what any good alcoholic would do, and I left there that day. I needed a drink. And I got me a six-pack, and took a drink. It was just like a Tasmanian devil, just back living. You know, and that was my life. I mean, that's where I was. It was in and out of jails. You know, I love what Wino Joe said. So I was back like a Tasmanian devil. I don't know about you, but I didn't do probation well. I didn't stay out very long until they locked me up, and I violated that probation. And I was sitting in that jail cell. And I was scared, you know. And I knew I was going to get that 10-year sentence. And I said that old jailhouse prayer that most of you in here know, I'm sure. God, if you'll just get me out of this one, I swear I'll never take another drink. And you know, the doors didn't boom open. And I said, see, there's no God. And if there is a God, I've been dealt a pretty bad hand. And that's the attitude that I took, George. I did get sentenced to that 10 years. I can remember the chain gang. We went up to the prison in Alabama. It's called Tutwiler Prison. It's the only women's prison in Alabama. And you know, the big book, it talks about that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. And I just want you to know that this was one of those times. And I could stand up here and talk for hours about that pitiful. And incomprehensible. You know, the waking up places you don't know. Panhandling. You know, it just goes on and on and on. But they took us up to that prison. They took you in the back gate. They stripped you down like an animal. Sprayed you like an animal. And for the next two and a half years, that's exactly how I lived. Now, after about three days in that prison, this keen alcoholic mind starts kicking. Y'all know that keen alcoholic mind. Figuring out what is the problem. And I did. I figured it out. Drugs are my problem. Look what they've done to me. Here I am sitting in the penitentiary. I got a 10-year sentence. Drugs. I'm through with them. When I get out, it is drinking only. And I might smoke a little weed. Because that's God's herb, you know. But here's the sad thing. I believed it with all my heart. It was beautiful. I had this picture in my mind. Me, when I got out. Drinking. White house. Picket fence. Kids. Cats. Dogs. Sippings. I mean, it was beautiful. So, you know, the next two and a half years while I was in prison, I will tell you that I went to a few AMVs. I went to a few AMV meetings. And like a lot of people that have been in prison, and it's the truth, I went because they had donuts. And they had coffee. Now, I'm not going to lie. That's why I went. But I do want to tell you this. There was a little lady. Her name was Margaret Duncan. She's went on to the big meeting now. She's about this tall. We're high heels. She was up there every week at that prison. And I remember asking her one day, Did they pay you to come up here? And she said, Oh, no. Honey, I come up here for free and for fun. Because every one of you are doing my time for me. I should have been here many times. You know, I've never forgot her saying that to me. She was one of my heroes in this program. The last time I saw her, she got really sick. And she had to go in a nursing home. And she started an AA meeting in the nursing home. And she wanted me to come speak. And I did. And there was little wheelchairs all around me in a circle. She loved Alcoholics Anonymous. Man, she was one of my heroes. So anyway, I went to a few meetings. You could have came up there with your big book. And you could have said, But Tammy, blah, blah, blah, blah. One drink, whatever. But see, here's the baffling part of this disease. I believe with all my heart that when I got out, it was going to be different. The big book don't talk about denial. It talks about this delusion and illusion we live in. That somehow, someday, I was going to be able to drink like other people. It was going to be different. One more attempt, one more failure. That's what I lived in, this big, big delusion. So I did my time. They let me out. Two and a half years, I got out on a parole. My mom picked me up at the front gate. You remember the... The visions. It was beautiful. So I needed a beer after all that. We stopped at the first convenience store. I bought a six pack. I drank that beer. And I was just like a Tasmanian devil. Back in N.E.O., doing anything. You know, the hardest thing for me ever to admit was that I was an alcoholic. You know, my Uncle Clarence is an alcoholic. I don't have on a trench coat. I don't go under the bridge. I mean, that was the hardest thing for me. I don't know what it meant. And I really don't know why it was so hard for me to admit it. Because the way I drank... I mean, I didn't work. I mean, I dedicated everything. It was all about drinking. And I stayed at a bar most of the time called the Honey for the Bears. Now, vision this. It never closed. It was open 24-7. Nice establishment. You can just imagine. You can just imagine. And I would drink. And I would drink and drink and drink. And when I couldn't drink anymore, I could go over to a booth and just pass out. And then just come to and be right back. Buy me a drink, baby. Like a vulture just preying on people. Since I've been sober, I saw that movie Barfly. And it made me sick because that's who I was. That is who I was. I would stay there three, four, even more days and not even bathe. Just waiting for people to come in to rob them and manipulate them and do whatever. And that's the way I lived. But I'm not an alcoholic. Daily drinker. I'm a drug addict. Because that sounds cooler, don't it? Tasmanian devil running around. Just any of them. Didn't even stay out a year. I was arrested again. Went back in front of that judge. Somewhere in this keen alcoholic mind, I decided that I was a physician. And I was writing my own prescriptions. And I don't know about Florida, but Alabama didn't take too kindly to that. So I had all these felonies. And I went back in front of that judge. And believe it or not, by the grace of God, and I know this sounds crazy, he only sentenced me to ten years. Running wild with the ten years I had. For Alabama, that's a blessing. I went back to that prison. Now I had twenty years. And I'm sitting back in that infirmary and I'm thinking, what went wrong with the program? You know, the drinking only, little weed house, white house, picket fence. This keen alcoholic mind started figuring it out. I said, I know where I went wrong. Should have never drank that hard liquor. I get crazy on hard liquor. I get crazy on hard liquor. I get crazy on hard liquor. This time it's beer only. And you know what? It sounds so funny to actually say the words out of my mouth. But I believe that with all my heart. Now you guys know, you said it too. Whatever it was. White liquor, red liquor, mornings, night, beer, whatever. The big book talks about it. You know, you just see. If I could just find it. If I could just find that way. It's going to be different. So I stayed up there a couple years. They let me out. Same thing. Went to a couple meetings. After about two years they let me out. My mom picked me up at the front gate. We stopped at the very same convenience store. And I bought a beer. The beer only program. I drank a beer. It was like a Tasmanian devil. Until they locked me up again. For my third time. For my third trip. You guys are sitting out there like you're tired of going to prison. I was tired of going to prison. You just think you're tired. So I went back. Luckily this time it was just for a parole violation. I didn't have a new felony. And that's the grace of God too. Because if I would have had another felony. I would have probably had another speaker. Alabama. They don't mind giving out time at all. They really don't. They give out a lot of years. So anyway I went back with a parole violation. And by this time they had the handy dandy treatment centers in prison. So I always say when I'm speaking in Alabama. You know for the newcomers. If you don't get it here. In the air condition. With these nice people. Department of Corrections will give you treatment. Free treatment. Long treatment. And you will finish it. If you want to get out. Six month program they have up there. And so this was the big deal. This was in the like 87, 88. That Alabama was really going into this. We have entire prisons. That are nothing but treatment centers now. And you're not going to believe this. But when I went to classification. They said they thought I needed to go to prison. And I said I was going to go to treatment. I know it's hard to believe. I was just as upset. I was like what? And I don't know what I was going to come up with. Maybe light beer only. I mean what else can you come up with? You know? So they forced me into treatment. And I do want to tell you that a lot of things happened for me in that treatment. And I'm an alumna of the WINGS program. Juya Tubwiler prison. And I was like oh my gosh. I'm scared. It's like oh yeah. So a lot of things happened. I just want to tell you a couple of stories. I had a great counselor there that really worked with me. And took an interest. And I'll never forget one time we were working on like the first step booklet. And I went in her office and she said okay Tammy. Are you powerless over alcohol? And I was like I guess so. If that's what I've got to say yes. Is your life unmanageable? And I went not really. And she was like where are you at Tammy? And I was like in your office. She was like no you're in prison. We're managing your life. We're managing it. I just loved her. And she's went on now too. But she was just a great counselor. She was a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Really gave me a good base and understanding of what AA was. And what it was not. So anyway we had speakers that came in. And I do want to share. One night she told me to go up to the front gate and meet the speaker. Said it's a young lady. You meet her. Help her feel comfortable. Because it's kind of scary going in there sometimes. So I went up to the front gate. And the speaker was the girl that I took my first drink of alcohol with. And she had been sober a year. And her little eyes were just twinkling. And she said I'm in AA. And I thought come on. Nobody's that happy about being in AA. There must be some new drugs out there. I haven't done yet. So she came in. And she told her goofy little story. She gets mad at me. She was my sponsor. Not until not long ago. My story is not goofy. It's not about the story. It's about the story of my life. My story is not goofy. Anyway she talked about her dog Booger. And then when she got sober she got a horse. And she named the horse Sober. Because she rode in rodeos and it would come over the intercom. Here comes Della riding sober. Now today that's sweet. But when you're sitting in the penitentiary doing 20 years. That really don't matter. You know you don't get it. You just don't get it. And I didn't get it. But anyway she planted a seed for me. And I do want to say that. Because we took our first drink together. And I knew how she drank. And she kept. She was willing to come up there. And carry the message to me. And it planted a seed. And I hear so many people say. Well I don't go in the prisons. Or the jails. Because I've never been to jail or prison. So I don't have anything to share. Well I'm just glad she didn't say that. Because she had never been to jail. And she had never been to prison. But she was willing to come up in that dungeon that night. And plant a seed with me. So if you get the opportunity. To go behind the walls. Go. You never know who you're going to see there. You know some of them people you're hanging out with. So yeah. You'll probably know somebody. One other story about a speaker. Because we had speakers every Friday night. He's a good friend of mine now. Joe S. He came in one night. And he rode his Harley. And he had on his leathers and long hair. And I thought. Man there is no way you can ride a Harley. And not at least smoke pot. Come on. And I've had a Harley since I've been sober. And you can do that. You know you can. But he came in and he told his story. And I always sat on the back row. And I asked the same question to every speaker. Just what do you do for fun? And with an attitude. You had to get it all right. Just what do you do for fun? And they would start trying to tell me. Well. They'd be excited. We go to meetings. And we go bowling. And sometimes we go to conferences. I'm sitting back there. Should I just blow my brains out? Or can I stand that much fun? You know it's. Oh Joe. I asked him that question. That night in his leathers. Just what do you do for fun. I'll never forget what he said. He said. I tell you this honey. I'm having a hell of a lot more fun. Than you're having sitting in prison. Oh what a lesson. You know. I still. I use it with the girls. I sponsor today. You know. You're wasting your air. Telling newcomers what we do for fun. fun. It's a waste of air. So I just say, you know, you're not going to believe this, but one day going to jail, losing your kids, making your mom cry, sleeping with strange people, peeing yourself, throwing up on yourself. One day, all that's not going to be fun. I know it's hard to believe right now. Just hang on and your perceptions of fun are going to change. And don't you love the look they give you when you're saying all that? Like, she's wet brain. She drank too much. Way too much. You know, I got out of prison. I finished that treatment and got out and didn't do what they said. Was drunk within 48 hours. Was in my parole officer's office within five months. He was going to send me back. And I know today this is, God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I begged that parole officer and he was the meanest one I'd ever had. He wore a hearing aid. I said, please don't send me back to that place. I know what I need to do. I didn't do it. He said, I tell you what, I'm going to give you a chance. I'm going to give you 48 hours to get somewhere. And if you don't, I'm sending you back. And I walked out of there that day and I called my counselor from the prison and she got me in a place in Sylacauga, Alabama. For detox called Caradel Lodge. And this is what happened to me as I remember it. You know, I was sitting out on a picnic table and I just started crying and I couldn't stop crying. And I reached out to this God that I had no understanding. And you know, I just basically said, God help me. If I can't live out on these streets and I've got to go back to that prison, just help me end it all right now. Just help. Now, I know that I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I know today that that was my spiritual experience. There was no burning bush, no bolt of lightning, but it was like my mind opened up this much. And the next thought was, AA is pretty much the last house on the block. And AA can't be as bad as the way you're living now. Now, that may not sound very spiritual to you, but if you would ask me the day before about AA, I would say, man, AA is just a bunch of old men. You know, they said, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I sit around talking about fishing and they're too old to drink. When I get that old, I'll quit too. You know, and I would tell you everything negative about Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've never even been to Alcoholics Anonymous. So for me, the big book talks about that emotional rearrangement being a spiritual experience. That's what happened to me that day. And when you think of your bottom, wherever it was, it was some sort of emotional rearrangement. at that point of surrender, you know, and that's what happened. Today I know I was at that jumping off place that the book talks about, and I truly wish for the end. I was tired. I couldn't go on. And so what happened to me was I finished that detox, and I left there, and I went to a meeting the first day I got out, and I did the things that you guys told me to do. You know, I'll always be so grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous for loving me. You know, I was pretty sick when I got here, and most of us are. You know, I was borderline institutionalized. I was a legend in my own mind, so to speak. I carried a big switchblade, and I wore brogans, and I walked around the adapt around those meetings wanting to fight anybody that would fight me. I'd get mad at the old-timers in there, and I'd be in the kitchen going, and I'll carve my initials in their box. I'll carve my initials in their box. Think about that. It is so embarrassing today. I mean, I was socially retarded. I didn't know how to act. I mean, I'd spent so much time in that prison, and, you know, they heard you through, even like to go out and eat. I know I had to embarrass them because this is the way I ate, and that's the way I'd been eating. I didn't know how to act in restaurants. I mean, I was a mess, and they would just keep taking me. You know, I was telling Sue and them at lunch today, when I first started having to go to these conferences, I would be so scared because I didn't know how to go out in these nice restaurants. But, you know, you guys have taught me how to be a lady and taught me a lot about living life. They love me unconditional, and I'll always be grateful to them. I love thinking back to the first days of AA. And it's funny to watch newcomers come in. They used to say things like this. The first drink gets you drunk. I was like, well, what in the hell was y'all drinking? Moonshine? I mean, I didn't get it, you know. I spilled more on my tie than you ever drank. Well, why'd you spill so much with your old self? You might have got here sooner. I love to go to the business meetings. And, you know, I didn't argue well. And I carried a switchblade, a big one. And I always wanted to fight them in the business meetings over traditions that I didn't even know. I mean, I might just grab hold of, and it was my opinion. My sponsor wouldn't let me do any service in district or area for five years. She said she could do it. She said she could do it. You see the headline now. Person stabbed at area assembly, you know. So I didn't argue well. You know, I had a lot of trouble getting a sponsor when I sobered up. They weren't just lined up wanting to sponsor me and my switchblade. I see women come in now, and we just flock around them. Well, that wasn't happening when I got sobered. There was no women flocking around. But I did finally get this one. I got a switchblade. I got a switchblade. I got a switchblade. And I was a lady to take it on, and I'll always be so grateful. Her name was Alice, a blonde about this tall. She had some problems other than alcoholism. It's probably why she took on the task. And I love her dearly, though. But she taught me so much about the home group service, and I'll always be so grateful to her. When I think about my journey and what's happened to me, I like to kind of think of it through the steps. And when I think about it, about Alice and the second step coming to believe in a power greater than me, the Almighty, I think about that power of suggestion. I don't know about you, but I had a problem a minute as a newcomer and I'd call her up. She'd say, okay, meet me at the group. And I'd be like, all right, she's going to give me the $50 or whatever it was I needed that day. And we'd get over to the AA group and she'd hand me the comment and the toilet scrubber. And I'd be back there scrubbing those AA toilets thinking, what's this got to do with anything? And does she know who I am? But you know what? I wouldn't drink that day. She suggested that I pray in the morning and pray at night. I didn't even think I believed, but she suggested that I did it. I wasn't drinking that day. She suggested I need a meeting every day. I didn't think I needed that many, but she suggested I did it. So, you know, I really, when I think of step two, I think about taking those suggestions that really didn't make sense to me about anything. Now, I try that with the women I sponsor today. They'll call me up, wham, wham, wham, meet me at the group. I'll hand them that comment and toilet scrubber and they'll go, I don't think so. I just got my nails did, you know. It don't work, you know, with everybody. Back then, it was like they'd pull up, get in. And you didn't, you just got in. You might be going to a meeting or a conference with no clothes or nothing. You know, today you'll be like, get in. I got other things to do. It just don't work, you know. I still tried. But anyway, when I think of the third step, you know, I took the third step with my sponsor, just like the book said, and we got on the phone and we talked about it. And I said, you know, I don't think I need to do that. And we sat on our knees and we said the third step prayer. And I don't remember any, you know, wow feeling. I felt pretty silly praying with another person. I don't remember when I had done that, you know, probably since a kid. But she told me, because I really wanted to analyze that, you know, God's will and making, you know, I would leave off those first words, make a decision. I thought it said, turn your will over to God right this minute. How do you do? You know, if the phone rings in three minutes, it's his will. If it don't, it's not. I'd be doing all this analyzing. And she said, what are the three words? Made a decision. So that really, I don't know if y'all have heard the three frog on the log story, but if you hadn't, get your sponsor to tell you. Made sense to me, but that's where I was in my sobriety. But made a decision. She said, one of the biggest things about this step is that you need to move on with the other steps. That was one of the biggest things. So when I look back now and I think about the power of that third step, I'll tell you one little story about how God started molding my life. You know, I was sitting at home watching TV, soap operas, and a commercial came on and it said, adults, go back to school. Now, at the bottom it said, financial aid available. Now, I'm an old con, so I know that means government money and I need it a little bit. I needed some money. So I thought, well, I'm going to go down, try to get this grant money and I'll pay it back later, blah, blah. So I went down to Troy University and people are everywhere. And I went up to the first table and I said, I want to see about getting some of that grant money. Now, remember what I looked like, switchblade, you know, institutionalized. And they said, well, okay, take these papers and go to the next table. I did that around the whole room. The last table, I told the lady, look, I just want to get this grant money. And she said, well, I'm going to go down to the first table and I said, well, I'm going to get this grant money. I just want to see about getting some of that money. And she said, well, why don't you go ahead and take a class and then you can get your financial aid money next week. And so I'm looking at her like this. She said, what about history? I said, well, I guess history's all right. Now, I couldn't even put a sentence together without the F word. I've got a big switchblade. I get out of my car and I think, I'm starting college in the morning. And I don't even have a pencil, okay? I've quit school in the eighth grade until my GED in the penitentiary. And I'm starting college in the morning. Now, here's the funniest part. My home group, you should have seen their face when I went in that night and said, guess what? I'm starting college in the morning. They were just all like, oh my. You know what they were probably wanting to say? Look, we don't think you're really ready for that. You're not really there yet. But they didn't. What they said was, Tammy, you can do anything if you keep your sobriety first. You know, my grandma used to tell me, with God, all things are possible. And I'd be like, whatever. But this group of drunks told me, with God, things are possible. Keep your sobriety first. You know, I'm so glad they didn't hold me down. Because you know they were thinking, oh my God, that university is in for a treat. So I started, that's how I started, you know, and I took that class and I made a C. And I thought, you think I can really do this, you know? In 1996, I graduated with my bachelor's degree. And to me, that is just amazing. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. You know, I continued to work the steps with my sponsor. And I put a lot of energy into putting off that fourth and fifth step. A lot of energy. Y'all do that? Yeah. So I finally got it done to the best of my ability. And I went to my sponsor. And we did the fifth step together. And you know, she started telling me things. And I was like, you don't know me. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. I don't need to be telling people this, you know. And she told me to do exactly like the big book. When we finished, she told me to get quiet for an hour and review my first five proposals and look at that sixth step and take that seventh step prayer. The whole deal. But you know what? I was tired after all that fourth and fifth step. And I just didn't feel like doing all that. And I didn't. I left her house and I never slowed down. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. Now, my teachers have always told me there's no standing still in this program. You're either moving forward or you're moving backwards. I believe them today. Because I just want to tell you real quick the result of not moving on with the steps. You know, there's so little in the big book about the sixth and seventh step. But it was the most powerful steps in my life. I got sicker and sicker. I wasn't drinking, but I wasn't changing. The rest of the world said, I'm still moving on. I'm still moving on. I'm still moving on. I'm still result of that was I found myself rolling around in the AA parking lot fighting another AA woman. Now, that don't do much for your spiritual image in Alcoholics Anonymous. Think about it, your home group, a big fight, everybody's circling around, hit her again. And she signed a warrant on me, and I don't blame her, and it wasn't very good for my parole program that I was on 18 years parole. He said, Tammy, you can't be fighting at AA, you know. But I want to tell you that it was the biggest turning point in my sobriety. Instead of walking around, oh, I fought her, whatever. I felt about this big. And I was that same old person, you know, and I hadn't changed, and I was this close to taking a drink. Because, you know, we're alcoholics, we don't suffer well, and I don't like pain. By the grace of God, it was one or two things. I was either going to get back in the car, or I was going to get back in the car. I was either going to get back in the car, or I was going to get back in those steps with my sponsor, or I was going to take a drink. And I'm glad that I got back in the steps. And we started back at step one and went back through, and I didn't stop. When we did that fifth step, I did exactly what the big book said. And today, I know the power in that. Because, you know, when I honestly took that seventh step, because you can write down what a piece of dirt you are in a fourth step. Then you can go tell somebody what you're doing. And I'm like, I'm going to take a drink. And I'm like, I'm going to take a drink. And I'm like, I'm going to take a drink. And I'm like, I'm going to take a drink. And I'm like, I'm going to take a drink. And I'm like, I'm going to Where's the solution there? But in the seventh step, I was able to take all of that and say, okay, God, if You're so big, here it all is. The good and the bad. And You do with it what You will. And take away those defects that stand in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellow man. Because you know what? I wasn't useful. I wasn't working with any women because they were scared of me. To me. To you and my fellow man. To me. To you and You know, my group, they started, they said that they measured my serenity by my knife size started going down. You know. See, I had to ask God to help me. You know, I had to ask him to take those defects. If I work on my own defects, that's what we do. If I work on anger, we roll around and fight. If I work on lust, well, you know what we do. So, yeah, yeah, not roll around, but not fight. So, the biggest turning point. Let me tell you a little about step eight and nine, making that list. First go around, it wasn't very hard, because I don't know about you, but this was my war cry. I don't have that many amends, because I was only hurting me. I was mostly just hurting me. Y'all ever say that? You know, when I got... When I got honest with the steps, and in this go around where I was honestly trying to work them, I had to look at steps eight and nine like, really, I was a tornado roaring through people's lives. And I was. The ones that loved me the most, I hurt the most. You know, my mom. Now, how I could live saying I hadn't hurt nobody but me. My mom stuck with me through every bit of that. And I can remember standing in that courtroom, and that judge sent it to me. I was in the penitentiary for ten years. In the penitentiary. And I'd be looking at him with all the hate that was in me. And I could hear my mom crying in that courtroom. Because that was her baby girl going to the penitentiary. You know, my mom visited me every week there. Every week she was there. She cried when she came. And she cried when she left. And I never shed a tear. But I'm only hurting me. You know, my grandma, she's 94. And God's blessed me to spend these years sober with her. And I am her angel. Don't doubt that. I'm her only granddaughter. And I do no wrong. And my drinking. I was drunk. Went to her house. Was robbing her house. Robbing her. And while I was in there, I knocked over a table. And her Bible, her family Bible fell off. Little pieces of paper. Came out. And I started picking them up and reading them. Every one of them had a prayer for me. Because her preacher had told her that if she put her prayers in her favorite verse, God would hear them. I was robbing her house. But I'm only hurting me. You know, I have one brother. And he's always just worse at the ground I walked on. And my grandfather died and left him his stuff. And it wasn't much. You know, like a coin collection, knives, rifles. And I stole every bit of that stuff. And sold it for probably a bottle of wine. But I'm only hurting me. You know, it's a delusion that we live in. But through the steps, God has gave me the chance. You know, like a second chance with my family. You know, when I graduated in 96, I walked across that stage with that stupid cap and gown. And I was like, I'm going to die. And I didn't do it for me. I did it for my mom. And I can tell you that she was the proudest mom in that place. I was waiting any minute for her to have pom-poms and be jumping around. And she gave me a card that night. She said, I'm so proud of you. You know, I called her. I had my 16th AA birthday last month. And I called my mom to tell her, you know, it was my AA birthday. And she started crying. And she said, I'm so proud of you. And she said, I never thought we would have 16 years together because I thought you would have been dead. You know, I'm overpaid in this program that my mom can sleep tonight and not have to wait for that phone call. You know, my grandma, I've tried to get her more involved in AA. And I took her one time when I spoke. Now, my grandma is a true Southern belle. You know how Southern belles are. So when we left the meeting, I went to the AA meeting. I was like, well, what did you think? And she said, well, I don't think you need to be telling people about all that stuff. That is over. Now, you're doing good now, baby. Don't you worry about it. So I hadn't taken her to any more meetings. She don't get it. She don't get it. And I do think you finished the ninth grade, if I remember correctly. But anyway, she was having surgery last year. And they put her under. And one of the nurses that I sponsored, she said that the higher she got on that medicine, the louder she was talking. And she was like, my granddaughter's in A&A. Loud. And she's a missionary for A&A. Loud. And I thought, well, in her own way, maybe that's how she got it, you know. Because of amends, you know, you guys told me to make amends to society. And I said, how do you do that? You said, apply for a pardon. So I did. I found out when I applied for a pardon in Alabama, I needed one in Georgia as well. I was one of them drunks that moved around a lot when I took a drink. So today I have a full pardon in both states. And I can tell you this. Yeah. The last election I was able to vote. And I was down there so excited. I was like, okay, what do you do? What do you do? And people were looking at me like, lady, this is not fun. But, you know, voting's a privilege. It really is. And I had lost that privilege. And you guys gave it back. So, you know, that's why I love your theme so much. Because this is what you've done for me and my family. You know? And it's been a great journey. You know, I continue to work step 10, 11, and 12. Continue to improve that relationship with my God. That I know the biggest thing is that hole in my gut. That the wind just blew through. That nothing would even touch but alcohol. That today I have a God of my own understanding. That is the biggest blessing. That's what all them steps designed for me. This drunk to find a path that's worked. You know? I do a lot of service work. I switch up. I've served in all kind of areas. I do want to tell you that one of the blessings that happened to me is I was able to go back to that prison and take a meeting in. After I graduated, the counselor there wanted me to apply for a job there. I was like, wait a minute. And she was like, just do the footwork and put in God's hands. Don't you hate when old-timers say that? And so I did. I did. I applied for a job. And I went to work as a counselor in that same prison. You know? And I said, God's got a sense of humor. I'm going to do a life sentence before it's over. And so I worked there for about four or five years. And now I'm working with Family and Children's Services. And I train social workers about substance abuse and new social workers coming in the field. And just love that job. Love it. And so I've been able to serve in a lot of areas. You know, my grandma, well, let me tell you about one thing. You talk about full circle. You know, and God's blessed me and changed me. I sponsored some crazy wild women. And I was sitting out with one. She had just got out of prison. Now they bust a sag. And she had braids in her hair and a big knife, switchblade. She may have had a gun. I don't know what all they carry now. And so we were sitting out in front of the meeting. And she came out and she told me, if she looks at me one more time, I'm going to slit her throat. This was at the AA meeting. I was like, oh, my God, give me your hands. Let's pray. And so full circle, you know. Full circle. My grandma, she's Southern Baptist. This grandma and her and God are just like this. And she says, when you die and you meet your maker, there's going to be one. There's going to be one question he asked you. And that question's going to be, how well have you served me? And if we stay in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon too, we're going to be okay. You guys have gave me a purpose. You really have. You've made me feel useful. And I feel like I have a purpose to help God's other little drunk kids. And for that, I am so grateful. I want to close with this. This is one of my teachers. You say, God, I know I'm not what I should be. And God, I know I'm not what I could be. But thank you, God, I'm not what I used to be. Thank you all so much for having me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.