Letting Go — the Only Action Verb in a Program of Action – Sandy R.

All right, John, let's go.
Well, I just want to tell you how grateful we are that all of you came here.
It means a great deal to me and to the guys that put this together.
And if you haven't been here before, it's going to mean a great deal to you
because of the people sitting around you.
We don't advertise this in Tampa.
So all the people in Tampa, some of them know there's something going on,
but it's designed so that we don't end up with a room full of people
that already know each other.
Something made you decide to come down here,
and you're with other people who made that same decision,
and you're going to really enjoy each other's company
because you're all seekers.
You didn't come down here to have fun.
You're not going on vacation.
You're down here because something inside of you said,
let's try and get closer to this wonderful creator
that we have come in contact with,
and this is a wonderful environment for that to happen.
I got two things that occurred to me.
One is we have a library back there,
and it's...
We hope that you will peruse the books
and find a few that speak to you
and take them back to your room, look at them,
maybe get familiar with the author,
and then when you go home, you could buy that book
because our big book in 12 and 12
urge us to go out into libraries and spiritual teachers
in order to go on the individual path
that takes place in the 12th step.
But it's an honor system,
so we would like you to put the book back.
That would be...
And there's a book list in your handouts.
And another thing in the handouts
are pertinent passages from the big book in the 12 and 12,
and those were just selected by me
as probably the most powerful language in our literature
concerning getting close to God.
And those phrases have been really...
are meaningful to me,
and I hope they are to you.
And I think that's about it.
If I'm not mistaken,
the first lecture is on...
We had to fearlessly face the proposition
that either God is everything or he's nothing.
Unlike the other years when we had wild topics
like me, Tarzan, you, Jane.
I can't believe I actually gave a talk on that.
And then we had one on childbirth,
and I think people began to wonder,
what am I attending down there?
Doesn't seem to have anything to do with AA.
So in order to put all that to rest,
the four lectures are on sentences out of the big book,
three of them, and one out of the 12 and 12.
And so here we have,
right near the end of the chapter of the agnostic,
this sentence,
we had to fearlessly face the proposition
that either God is everything or he's nothing.
Either God is everything,
or he's nothing.
And it's followed up with God either is or he isn't.
What is your choice to be?
Isn't that a funny sentence?
What is your choice going to be?
And you know, I've been around 45 years now,
and this is what dawned on me.
That in life, there's only one free choice
that we ever have.
All the rest of them aren't free.
They aren't free will.
There's only one.
You can either choose God
or not choose God.
If you choose God,
then God makes the choices for you.
You follow what I'm saying?
If you choose him,
then he is the guider,
and we follow the guidance that we got.
So as we choose God,
we give up ever having choice again.
If we don't choose God,
our character defects are in charge.
It's only an illusion that we have free will.
Well, normally I'd like to be honest,
but in order to get this deal,
my greed says, do this.
Most of the time I'm faithful,
but lust just said, go do that.
And we suddenly find that
one or the other of our character defects
is behind the alleged free choices
that we have.
And that's why I'm saying,
that we're making.
So I would just lay it on the table.
Somebody could disagree with me.
There may be other people out there
that there really is only one
that we're absolutely free to make,
and that's to choose God
or not to choose God.
And I read somewhere,
you choose God and live with the consequences,
or you choose not to have God
and live with the consequences.
And we all are familiar
with what it feels like
to not choose God,
to not choose God,
and live with the consequences
of choosing alcohol.
And so this is an interesting point
in our sobriety.
It comes in the chapter of the agnostic
where possibly the major transformation
that we're going to make in AA is made
because we're going to go
from our old ideas about God
or non-God
that we bring here. And we're going to be persuaded
to put those ideas on hold and see
where this new path leads us. So we could come in
an atheist, an agnostic, a person who had God and lost him, a person
who now hates God, a person who this, all that. So we all fit in these categories.
And we arrive here. And this is where some sort of a transition
is going to be made so that we end up seeking
God. Now seeking is a big word in our
program. God couldn't would if he were sought. I just love that
sentence. If he were sought. And then in the 11th step, sought
through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact.
So we see the word sought is
a very interesting word. And I've told this story before, but
when I got to thinking about what is seeking?
When's the first time I ever heard of seeking?
And my life, the first time I heard of seeking,
was in grammar school when they introduced a game called
hide and seek. Somebody hid
and then you sought them.
I found out that seeking them was trying to figure out where the hell they were.
That was what seeking was. And so some little girl went and hid.
Okay, go find her. And I would look and I would look and I would look. I'd look in
all the obvious places, but I'll tell you after about three minutes if I didn't
find her,
I didn't give a damn where she was.
My interest in seeking was over.
I call that a low level of seeking.
That's the low level.
Then the next one was one notch up.
It was a higher level
and it occurred around Easter when six pounds of pure chocolate were hidden
somewhere
by my mother.
And she said,
ready? Go.
And boy, I'll tell you this was a higher level than looking for somebody hiding in the
closet.
This was serious seeking.
And I would zoom and I would zoom and I would zoom.
and my sister's zooming, and we're going, and we're going, and we're going.
But if I didn't find it, after about five minutes,
which is a pretty long period of intense seeking,
I started whining and begging for clues.
Am I hot? Am I getting close? Am I here? Am I there?
And I think if I didn't find that, if my mother didn't finally give me a tip-off,
I think at the end of 15 minutes, I would have said,
the hell with the chocolate, I'm just, I'm tired of looking.
But it was a higher level of seeking than the hide-and-seek game.
And then later on in life, when I was a teenager,
I had a golden retriever, and I came home one time
and was told that he had run away in the morning into the woods over there
and hadn't come back.
And I went over there, and I called that dog's name,
and I stayed out there until it was dark,
and then when I went to bed, I would go out there every couple hours
and call his name.
And then the next day I did it, and then the next week,
and then the next month, and then the next six months,
I'd be home from school.
I would still go out there, because he could be there.
He could be walking out of those woods any day.
I think I went, did that all the way through prep school and college.
Whenever I came home, I couldn't resist going out to the woods.
He could be there.
I know it's been about six years, but he could still be there.
Dogs live a long time.
And I would go out and look for him.
And I think it sounds silly, but 20 years later when I would go home,
I'd just swing by there on the small chance
that this old dog could be walking out of the woods.
Now, that's a pretty high level of seeking.
And it was the highest that I ever had until I started drinking
and was out of booze.
And needed a drink.
You all know that that level of seeking, there's got to be,
I've had a bottle around here somewhere.
It's got to be here.
Geez, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking.
I don't find it.
The nearest liquor store is about 15 miles away.
Guess who's going to get dressed and go down there?
Guess who is not going to stop until they find this?
And that's pretty high level seeking.
So the question we can ask ourselves,
what level is our seeking of God at?
The hide and seek, the Easter bunny, the lost dog,
or could it even get as high as I need a drink?
And it puts me into mind that most of the time,
our level of seeking God is pretty low.
And yet, nothing could be as high as I need a drink.
Nothing could be as high as I need a drink.
Nothing could be as high as I need a drink.
Nothing could be as high as I need a drink.
Nothing could be a bigger reward
than to continue this seek at a higher level of intensity.
And that's all done by a decision.
It's all done by making a decision to come here.
It's all done by making a decision to go to listen to some spiritual teacher.
It's all done by setting aside time for prayer and meditation.
It's all done by us, the individual,
and you suddenly realize this is not a group activity anymore like the other steps.
We did this, we did that, and the sponsor's helping us,
and we can talk about it and this and that.
This is done just by me.
I do my seeking all alone.
I have reading a book.
Where am I spending my mental energy?
Am I committed to getting closer and closer?
And am I committed to...
getting the full potential out of steps six and seven?
Am I really wanting God to get rid of everything?
Because that's the only way I can really find him,
is to have the barriers removed.
Am I willing to shoot for 100%?
Am I willing to let the word perfection come in to my vocabulary?
I may talk about this, maybe redundant with another lecture,
but the big book talks about progress, not perfection.
But the 12 and 12 talks about perfection.
And I've read some letters and history stuff that
in the beginning they wanted the four absolutes.
That was part of the Oxford group,
and there was a big push to make them part of AA.
I mean, you know, come on, we're using them.
And those of you from the Midwest know that the Cleveland Intergroup
still prints a pamphlet about the four absolutes,
and it says AA on the back.
And there's nothing New York can do about it
because they were there before New York.
And so this is part of...
People get sober in Cleveland and Akron,
and they get this pamphlet, oh yeah, this is part of AA.
These absolutes.
Well, absolutes imply perfection,
hope, or honesty.
Come on, folks.
Unselfishness, love, and purity.
Those were there, and the deal was to try and achieve that perfectly, absolutely.
And Bill saw that and said,
geez, if I stick this in with these drunks that are coming in,
they're going to go crazy trying to achieve perfection.
Because they're perfectionists now.
Unless they can do it perfectly, screw it.
You know, that was my attitude.
Well, if I can't do it perfectly, I don't want to...
I'm not even going to try.
And so he felt it might be misleading or difficult when we're new
to even entertain the concept of doing something perfectly.
But in this letter, he said,
I snuck them back in in steps 6 and 7 in the 12 and 12.
And particularly in step 6,
where he uses the sentence,
having been granted a perfect release from alcohol.
In other words, we were granted a perfect release.
It was lifted from us.
Why can't we attain perfect releases from all our other character defects?
We have to raise our eyes towards perfection.
So suddenly we see a shift from progress not perfection
to progress towards perfection.
And that makes me squirm a little
because I'm not shooting for that.
I'm settling for something in the middle.
And there's that great line in the 12 and 12.
We tend to settle for as much perfection as will get us by.
And that's...
What I want as a businessman
is a reputation for being honest.
I don't want to be locked in to being honest.
But I'd like people to think I am.
So I will...
They do what it takes to get known as a person
with an honest reputation
or whatever it is, reliable, faithful.
I want my wife to think I'm faithful.
Well, don't you want to be?
Ah, let me keep just an option open.
You never know, something miraculous could come my way.
I don't want to be locked in to turning it down ahead of time.
I'll do it...
I'll do it when the situation arises.
I'm sure I'll make the correct decision.
But I don't want God to have shut off all possibilities.
So I don't want to go too far in getting rid of lust.
Do you understand?
So you can see that this seeking,
it's all tied in to that.
What level of seeking are we interested in doing?
And before I get going on the comments about the chapter
to the agnostic,
I want to share with you and run something by you
that occurred to me recently.
And it's called the God phenomenon in AA.
I made this up, so don't think,
well, what page is that on?
It isn't anywhere.
It's just...
It's just a way of looking at things.
And this is what I think the God phenomenon is.
When we first arrive here,
we are confronted with this word on a steady basis.
We pick up the steps and there it is.
We open the big book,
God on this page,
God on that page,
God on that page.
We go to a discussion meeting.
Everybody in the room.
Well, then God did this and God did that.
So you can't escape the word.
You can't escape it.
This three-letter word is appearing everywhere.
And we have different reactions to it.
I can't stand it when they say that.
It bothers me.
It's just all these things.
I said higher power for five years
rather than say the word God.
And then after five years, I said,
you know, you can say God a lot faster
than you can say higher power.
I said, yeah, you're right.
So for pure efficiency reasons, I shifted.
And actually allowed myself to say God,
you know, like I was going to be struck dead
because my old ideas told me,
you don't want to be caught dead saying God.
Somebody will laugh at you.
I don't remember why, but it was very important.
So we have a word that appears all over AA.
But if we had an AA dictionary,
we could probably have meanings
for all the other words,
in AA.
But if you open the AA dictionary to the word God,
it would be blank.
It would have no definition.
It would be a word with no definition.
It would just be a word.
And yet we are stuck with
doing something with this word.
And we actually don't really do anything
except the steps.
And then add the words.
And then add the words.
And then as we take the steps,
something happens.
We begin to have a consciousness of something.
Unnamed.
But something is happening inside of us.
And we call this God consciousness.
We can call it word consciousness for all I care.
But a consciousness of,
that something is taking place.
And when we get to the promises in the ninth step,
we see a sentence that says,
we suddenly realize that God is doing for us
what we couldn't do for ourselves.
This wasn't something that somebody explained to us.
It happened to us.
It happened inside of us.
And we suddenly went, wow.
That word.
That word is doing something to me.
You see how personal that is?
There's nobody explaining this event to you.
It is simply happening to you.
And then in the 12 and 12,
I just brought this.
It's on the last page of the Pertinent Promises,
page 109.
Bill writes, you see what we're seeing?
We're seeing a process of a person's relationship
with that word.
And on there on page 109, Bill writes,
we could predict that the doubter
who still claimed he hadn't got the spiritual angle
and who still considered his well-loved AA group
his higher power would presently love God
and call him by name.
No one told them to do that.
No one said this is going to happen.
You just find yourself using the word.
And nobody explained what the word means.
No one, it just happened.
And I got thinking about that.
Wow.
How could I summarize what I just told you about?
What is this phenomenon?
And I looked at it as you're now at the very beginning
of your journey in AA.
And I would say in the beginning was the word.
And the word became God.
And I just, it just hit me.
That's exactly what happened to me.
I used this word because everybody else was using it.
I didn't know what it meant, I just said it.
And then I talked about it.
And then I said, but not, you know, and all of a sudden,
the word itself became God.
I didn't know what it meant. I just said it. And then I talked about it. And then I said, but not, you know, and all of a sudden, the word itself became God.
became real. And that was the transformation that I had. And that, just for lack of a better
term, I just called it the God phenomenon. That it happens to everyone here. The steps
are designed to cause that to happen. And it happens no matter what our old ideas were
when we arrived here. That that's where we end up. And I just think it's fascinating
when you consider the backgrounds of all the people that come here, that we all end up
in the same place. And I think for me, it would have helped if someone had said the
term, God as you understand him. Now, we know in the beginning, we go, you can call anything
you want. It'll be your higher powers. And the most common,
one that you hear around the country is doorknob. Well, I made a doorknob by higher power. And
you do hear that, but you don't hear someone with 10 years saying it. Do you follow what
I'm saying? I've been sober 10 years and the doorknob is still my higher power. It somehow
went from doorknob to God. It somehow went from John Wayne to God. It somehow went from
my AA group to God. So you can see that this...
But how did it go to God? Did someone convince you that God existed? Did they tell you who
he was? No. You experienced something and you automatically said God. So in a way, in
order to understand God in AA, you have to experience God first. So it's sort of God
as we experience him. And from the experience comes a very limited experience.
And understanding, because no one can understand God. He's a mystery. But we know the results
that come from this power. And to me, that, if you ask me what my definition of God is,
it's all the miraculous things that have happened to me since I followed these steps. It's the
return of peace of mind. It's the power to see all of you as my brothers. It's the power
to see the world...
...through God's eyes instead of my eyes. All of that is my definition of my personal
relationship with this great mystery that is behind the universe. And I just felt, isn't
that fascinating? And then as you're sponsoring people, you watch it happen to them. You start
out with a militant atheist. And you go, that's fine. Just like our chapter of the agnostics.
That's fine.
Don't worry about that. Just have an open mind. And we'll go chugging along. Oh, okay.
So we...
And then, remember in the third step in the 12 and 12, the one-time vice president of
the American Atheist Society, boom, had no trouble getting through the hoop. Remember
that hoop in step 3 in the 12 and 12? He had no trouble. Because it's an infinite diameter.
You can come through.
And then if you simply keep that open mind...
...the God phenomenon takes place. And it's the greatest phenomenon that happens
in Alcoholics Anonymous, is to have come true that sentence, and I think it's on page 23
when we go, the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator
has entered our hearts and lives in a way that is indeed miraculous.
We are living in a way that is indeed miraculous. And it's the greatest phenomenon that we can
that's a pretty strong statement for someone to make.
The absolute certainty that my creator, whatever that is to me,
has entered my heart and lives in a way that is indeed miraculous.
And then we get to the, we suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we couldn't do for ourselves.
And so we find this sentence.
And we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else he's nothing.
He either is or he isn't.
What was our choice to be?
And so you can see that almost all of us make a journey in that chapter
from non-believer to open-mindedness,
and as our AA journey continues, to believer.
And the belief that we have is based on experience.
It isn't based on faith, it actually happens to us.
Once you experience contact with your own creator,
there isn't much need for faith.
It happened.
It's a guarantee.
You personally felt this presence.
And we're in a different league now.
Now we're not seeking to have more faith so that we might eventually find this higher power.
We're seeking now to improve our conscious contact.
We're seeking to continue this wonderful experience that took place in this great journey, in this phenomenon of God.
The last line in the chapter to the agnostic describes this journey.
When we drew near to him, he disclosed himself to us.
Isn't that a great sentence?
The trick is to find out where near is and go there.
I was going to make a joke that they gave me.
You've seen me here.
I don't want to go through my personal health, but, you know, all the retreats prior to this one,
I was limping around because my knees hurt so much.
I got two brand new knees.
Now I need a hip.
So they got me a golf cart, which I'm grateful for.
And I was going to tell people that for 20 bucks, I'll take you to dinner and back every night.
For 50 bucks, I'll take you on a tour of the entire retreat center.
And for 100 bucks, I'll take you to near, which is the, which is that spot in the retreat center where God is.
If you go there, he will disclose himself to you.
So the trick is to figure out where the hell is near.
And as it turns out, we're looking in the wrong place if we're looking out there.
Because that came.
Later on, on page 55, we found the great reality deep down within us.
It's only there that he may be found.
So as we are newcomers to this spiritual journey, we suddenly realize nothing out there is of any importance whatsoever.
There's nothing out there that needs to be changed.
With our slogan back here.
This was just a spiritual saying.
That I heard on a CD.
And I just went, wow.
It just says it all.
Stop looking out there.
It's all in here.
And that's where the seeking goes.
So how do you go in there?
And that's what the 12 steps are all about.
We can't go in there.
We're blocked.
And what's blocking us from going in there is our ideas.
The idea is about out there.
That's our story.
That's the world that we created.
The one that isn't real.
But it's the one we live in the middle of.
And it's all these ideas that we told ourselves growing up.
Those kind of people are terrible.
The government is this.
God hates you.
Everybody's picking on me.
I'm a victim.
Whatever story we put together, they're all dramatic.
And the problem is that we thought them up.
And as soon as we think the thoughts of another component to our story,
we emotionally feel it.
So if we say it's unsafe to be in that room with that guy,
we will feel frightened.
Totally in response to the thought we had that it's not safe in there.
It could be safe as can be.
And we all remember this from when we were kids.
We all remember this.
We all remember this.
We all remember this.
We all remember this.
We all remember this.
Whenever it was the first time that you thought to yourself in your bedroom
there might be a monster in your closet.
I remembered that.
And I went, yeah, there could be a monster.
I thought it was fun to think that.
There could be a monster in there.
And I went, yeah, there could be a monster.
And all of a sudden, there was a monster in there.
And I needed my father in there in a hurry.
I wouldn't even go over near that closet.
I had created this frightening thing.
And so we do that in so many aspects of our life.
It must be tens.
It must be thousands of little storylines, none of which are true,
that have to be gotten rid of so that we can return to God's world.
And so that's what our journey is in sobriety.
It is a return to where we started from before we made up a place that doesn't exist
and lived in it.
And so what does the 12 steps do?
They destroy all of our old ideas.
It's captured for me the best in that great line, the idea that somehow we can drink
like other people has to be smashed.
Everybody knows that line.
And can you picture it?
Here's this idea that was obsessing us.
Well, maybe this time.
Maybe this time.
And finally, our sponsor and two other people came along with a brick and went, boom.
And that was the end of that idea.
It just didn't work.
It didn't work.
It just isn't going to come up anymore.
And so getting rid of old ideas is what all of spiritual growth is.
The entire program is letting go.
Maybe it's in another lecture, but it is.
They call it a program of action.
And the action verb is letting go.
Now, that doesn't sound like much action, does it?
Boy, I'm rolling my sleeves up.
OK.
What do I do?
Let go.
I know, but what do I do?
I want to really get involved.
Yeah, just let go.
And then we realize this is our grip on our life.
And you remember, I'm not an alcoholic.
And you go, well, you're in the nut ward.
You're wearing a straight jacket.
You're doing it.
And you remember how hard it was.
OK, I'm an alcoholic.
Look at what's left, all the thousand fingers.
OK, I am an alcoholic.
I got rid of, I'm not an alcoholic.
And I went through, I am an alcoholic.
Well, how much progress have I made?
There's a long way to go.
And that's where willingness comes in.
We had to reconsider or die.
That gave us the motive to possibly begin
the journey of being wrong, the great freedom of being wrong.
Before I get off track, I better keep going.
Yeah, letting go.
OK.
It's very difficult for me to believe
that that is what's missing.
My mind is constantly coming up with another course
of action other than letting go.
You know, maybe I should buy another spiritual book.
Maybe I should do this.
Maybe I should, I'm all over the place.
And I don't want to let go of something.
And we will hold on to those things
like we hold on to character defects.
Bill surmises that the reason we hold on to a lot of defects is
that we like them.
I like getting angry and feeling a little superior
to the jerk I'm arguing with.
There's a lot of pleasure in that.
Do you know what I'm saying?
And my pride really enjoys feeling
superior to other people.
Well, I'd try to explain it to him,
but I don't think he could grasp the full impact
of what I'm thinking.
There's just many of them.
The, um.
We love being a better baseball player than somebody else.
It isn't just that we love the game.
We love the fact that I'm better than that guy.
There's a great sense of it.
I'm a better businessman.
I'm a smarter investor.
I like that.
I like feeling better then.
And if that doesn't work and you get tired of feeling better,
then feel worse then.
I'm a worse bastard than you ever lived.
I'm a piece of crap.
And then we go, yeah.
I kind of love it.
I like wallowing.
Anybody wallow?
Just wallow around in self-pity.
Oozing from every pore, as Bill writes.
This is, if we don't do that, we can hardly
keep our story alive.
Because it's the world that we lived in,
the only building material are thoughts.
That's the entire world that we live in
is composed of thoughts.
And they'll start fading if we don't keep thinking them
every so often.
So if you still have a resentment over the girl that
left you in high school for that jerk,
you have to go back and stir it up a little bit,
or it could actually disappear.
It could actually no longer be in your emotional repertoire.
So I would recommend, at least every five years, go back to,
when you were a sophomore in high school,
and think about Lulu.
And bring up, god damn, that really, that damn guy.
Now I'm frightened.
He's a better guy.
And the whole thing.
And you get it going.
Then you can put it back, because it's
got a shelf life of at least five years.
So we have to go back to all these things
and make sure they're activated so that they're still
part of us.
Because after all.
. .
We practically are all our resentments.
We practically are.
All of the fear, anger, feelings that we have ever since we were little,
that's who we are.
And that's the world we live in, and we re-feel all of those.
And it was suggested to me, I think that's in here somewhere,
that there is one action. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
that has been called divine.
And if anybody knows it's called forgiveness.
To err is human, to forgive is divine.
And forgiveness fits in to the overall scheme of things.
If we're going to forgive something, we're going to let it go.
That high school event never happened.
when I forgive it. And I would ask you all
tonight to imagine, just for the sake of imagining, that you
in an instant could forgive everything that ever
happened to you. Every unkind word, every
failure of your father to show up at the sporting event, every failure of your father
to be there when you were little, every failure, every unkind thing the government
did, everything that the police did, everything that, just go back through your life, all
the things that we've kept track of that hurt us.
There's got to be thousands. I mean, if you think back on it, it is a whole
full. Now imagine that you forgave it all. We can't
because it really takes God's help, but let's just imagine that everything
that happened to us was forgiven. It no longer existed. It was nowhere.
Do you see that you would really be nobody?
What would be left of you? You follow me? The only thing that would
be left is your spiritual side. And that's
who you really are. In other words, this whole identity that we
created is mostly resentment
and memories of things that we aren't going to forgive because they shouldn't
happened for one reason or another. And when I reflected on that, I said, my God,
the only thing that would be left is I'm a child of God and I'm just going to do what he wants me
to do. That would be the total identity. And we were afraid of that. We sensed that fear. Bill
writes about it in the third step in the 12 and 12. You remember when he said, I'm going to turn
my life over? Bill writes a lot by advancing an idea and then telling you what your reaction is
going to be to that ahead of time. So he advances, why don't you turn your entire life over to God?
And then the guy says, what? I'll be the hole in the donut. You remember that? I'll be a non-entity.
That's exactly what I was trying to describe. If you forgave,
I, what would my role be in my life?
If I turned everything over to God, how about zero?
How about zero? I would have no role in my own life. I would simply be a servant
carrying out what God wants me to do. Now this will guarantee total happiness. It'll allow you
to see the universe as you've never seen it before. Why don't we all volunteer?
Well, I want to be in charge of something.
Can't you hear your ego going? Whoa, I got to reserve a little of this for myself.
So if you imagine your world and God's world, and we want to go to God's world,
but we'd like to keep some of ours. I'd like to be in charge of something.
I'll give up drinking, but I'd like to be in charge of the other areas. All right, I'll give up
having affairs. My sponsor started me down the list. You know, look, if you're going to have a
good marriage, you're going to have to give up. Okay, so the AA program consists of not drinking
and not having affairs. I'm glad we've got that. I'm in. I can do it. And every day he had another
thing. Well, you know, you're taking money out of the cash box at the Marine Corps. That's
embezzling. I would suggest you give up. Okay, give up drinking, affairs, and embezzling.
Glad we've got it straight, and we're on the, and I'm ready to go. I can do it.
And every day, and give up this, and then give up this, and then give up that.
And you can see, if we're going to try to seek God, we have to be willing to give up the whole
freaking thing. And then I don't have a job anymore. You follow what I'm saying? I don't
have a job. I'm just carrying out. It's like going back in the Marine Corps. Here's the orders
of the day. Go do them. Go fly at 10. Come back.
Go to this briefing. Boom, boom. I didn't have a say-so in any of that. I just carried it out.
And you know, it was fun. Once I got the hang of that, it was fun just carrying out
orders. I never thought I'd admit that, but I really ended up liking it.
And that's kind of what seeking God is about. It is,
um, coming to grips with the fact that this is not going to be pain-free.
We're going to give up our way in order to live His way. We're going to give up our way.
Now, let's see if we could come up with a description
of one problem that includes all problems.
My best guess,
guess is not getting your way. Not getting your way sexually, not getting your way financially,
not getting your way health-wise. In other words, when we start describing a problem
that we have that's bothering us, it's one of many ways of not getting your way. In other
words, a situation happens. The situation is just a situation, but you don't want it
to be that way. Do you see what I'm saying? I didn't want it to rain on the day I was
going to play golf. Normally rain is rain, but this day it rained on your golf day, and
you didn't want it to rain because now you can't play. So we're very angry at the rain.
Isn't that a strange thing to get angry at? The freaking rain. I can't believe it. And
I generally carry it about. God did that. He didn't want me to play. He hates me. I knew
He hated me.
He hated me, and it has been that way my whole life. Thanks, God. Now, if when things
don't go your way, you're unhappy and miserable, then we've got to come up with a solution
to that. How can we find happiness? Simple. Learn how to control everything so that it
does turn out your way. And that was what we were trying to do.
When we came in here. If only she would do this. If they only listened to me down at
work. And so we were managing life in order to make ourselves happy because we saw no
other way. What other way is there if we get unhappy because we don't get our way? The
only answer I ever saw was,
try and control it. And when eventually they wouldn't control, I would just get drunk at
them. I would just get drunk at them. And then suddenly we're confronted with a rather
unusual proposition. And that is, why don't you just not have a way in the first place?
Now if you didn't have a way, you know, things go my way. Well, what if you had no way? Then,
nothing could ever not go your way because you don't have one. Well, how do you not have a way?
You turn it over to God. That's it. So the secret to getting rid of problems where things aren't
going your way is to turn your way over to God. And then when it rains, you just go, well, I guess
I wasn't supposed to play golf today. I guess I'm supposed to be doing something else. Oh, the phone's
ringing. Oh, the phone's ringing. Oh, the phone's ringing. Oh, the phone's ringing. Oh, the phone's
ringing. Oh, it's a 12-step call. Oh, now I understand why it rained. I'm supposed to be
going on a 12-step call. I go over there, and the guy is happy to see me. I bring him to the
meeting. People are talking to him. And I see his eyes light up. And I go, wow, watching a guy's
eyes light up is better than getting a birdie. Who thought a golfer would ever say that?
You golfers out there, isn't that, boy, that's about the highest event in life. Well, unless it's an eagle.
You know what I'm saying? But suddenly, an avid golfer is saying, oh, no, watching a guy's eyes
light up is way bigger than getting a birdie. Whoo! Whoever thought that would happen? It wouldn't
have happened if we stayed in charge. It would not have happened if we weren't willing to get
rid of our way and see what God's way is. And
you know what I'm saying? I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to
lie to you. The problem is that we don't give up our way easily. There's a noise that we make when
we're giving up our way, when our sponsor's going, no, look, no, I want you to do this. I don't want
to do that, but I want you to do this. Your way is willful. I want you to come over, and we want
you to do that. And then we make the noise that all sponsors look for. All right. I love that noise.
Okay. And you know that the person is agreeing with you, but they don't want to. They don't want
to. It's with great reluctance and resistance that I make the sound, all right. And that is giving up
your way. Can you feel it right there? You're just, okay, my way would have been, eh. And then
we go over here, and then, much to our surprise, it turns out better than if we had gotten our way.
The trouble is, newcomers are misled by the way we describe that event, because we describe it this
way, because our ego takes over. So I decided, rather than play golf, I'd go on the 12-step call.
And it sounds like we're spiritual giants who decided to put someone else's well-being ahead
of our own. We don't want to do that. We don't want to do that. We don't want to do that. We don't
want to do that. We leave out the part about it started raining. And that's why I wasn't playing
golf. There's a thing called spiritual pride where we take credit for God's work. And that's one of
the hardest things about the program. I will get into that later, is taking credit for God's work,
and we don't even know we're doing it. It happens very subtly on the inside. God turns us into
such a strong person, we don't need him anymore. It happens after 10 years of sobriety, something
like that. And you don't realize it, but you actually think you've been made stronger by the
program, because it feels like you are. But you're being held up totally by God. But it feels like
you're stronger. And that can be an interesting proposition.
Oh, there's a paper.
In your handout by a Dr. Natcher. We had it last time. You don't need to read it now, but I stuck
it back in there, because this is a medical doctor who decided to break ranks with all of the
addiction teachers out there. All the treatment centers, and this is what addiction is, and this
and that, and this and that. And he claims that addiction is caused by being separated from God.
And that we're trying to find God, which is missing in our life through sex, drugs, rock and roll,
gambling, or whatever. And of course, I just thought the guy was brilliant. And you know,
that this medical doctor would be doing that. And he used AA as an example of all of this. And then
he makes, he kind of misreads AA towards the end of his paper, where he says, we keep going to AA,
and now we're addicted to AA. And I wrote him an email saying, you're misunderstanding the spiritual
path. If you think we're going here because we're addicted, it is a desire to pass it on, is why
we're here. We've been given the spiritual freedom in, through an awakening, which is what he says
is the answer to all addiction, is awakening. And I thought it was a well-written paper. But
part of an awakening, which occurred to Bill Wilson, there's two parts. One is, he has an
experience that is just the purpose of being alive, is to have an experience of that magnitude.
But part of the experience is, you can't help yourself from spending the rest of your life
trying to pass it on to someone else. And that's why we keep coming here, to find another newcomer
to light their eyes up. And so I've always thought that, I'll talk about that, the big bang of AA.
I always thought it was Bill Wilson's experience, because it included, he couldn't stop himself
from trying to carry this thing to the whole world. Even when he's broke, even when he's down
and out. Yeah, but we got to get this thing going. We got to get it out there. It was because of that
awakening, he couldn't resist. He couldn't,
couldn't stop carrying the message. I mean, I didn't know Bill. I could have met him, but I
never went up to New York. But I knew Chuck Chamberlain. And I know the California guys
will tell him, he was out driving two and a half hours every night to go talk somewhere.
And people would come to see him. He just never stopped. It was, he was my example of how to be
a perfect servant. And,
the energy to do the task will be given to you on the spur of the moment. So you can be exhausted
and still go out and talk to somebody for two hours. And you're not, you're going to feel more
refreshed than when you started. Because God gives us the energy to carry out his work as we're
carrying it out. It feels like we don't have enough. Oh, I can't get, I couldn't make it over
there and talk to them. And then you go do it.
And at three in the morning, you don't even want to go to bed, you know, because you've been
energized so much by this. And so anyway, he makes the statement. And I want to read it because I
love this quote. Is not, and this applies to all human beings, is not the real problem that we are
in. I love this quote because it is absolutely powerless to get rid of the longing for God.
This longing is there. It started the second we began our journey away from God by making up a
story that we're separate from him. A lot of people call it the prodigal son and the prodigal
daughter. So all the time we're out there, there's something missing in our lives. And it's a
problem. We don't know what it is. We forgot what it is. And we think maybe more money will fix it.
And we think that maybe more sex will fix it. Maybe alcohol will fix it. Alcohol really did look
like it fixed it. But he centers in on, isn't the problem that we're powerless over getting rid of
the longing for God? We just can't shake the fact that there's something missing. We can't lie down
in bed and go, there, I'm totally fine. We can't shake the fact that there's something missing.
We're totally complete. Everything is fine. There's nothing missing until we get in here and can
have that awakening. And then we realize we were seeking the wrong thing all along. We were going
on false errands to try and fix this problem. And the person, oddly enough, who made the same
comment in our AA history was Dr. Young. That's exactly what, in the exchange of letters between
Bill and Dr. Young, when Bill wrote many years later, to thank him for the work he did with
Roland Hazard, who came to see Ebby, who came to see Bill. And Dr. Young sent Roland on a spiritual
quest. He said that, I've done everything I can for your disease of alcoholism. And I failed.
Don't come back to me. There's nothing. I can't do anything more for you.
And he said, so I'm going to die of this? He said, probably. I have heard of a few cases
where they had this spiritual experience, this spiritual transformation that I've been trying
to cause with you through therapy. I would advise that you go out and try and have one of those.
So he left, you know, he was told, you're going to die unless you can find a spiritual experience.
He became a seeker. How did he become a seeker? He was told he was going to die.
That'll help people become.
Seekers. Kind of happens to us. You come in, you've got a fatal illness that only a spiritual
experience can come. Well, maybe I'll reconsider. What are spiritual? I suddenly have an interest
in spiritual experience. Why? Because I'm going to die if I don't find one. Well, that's hardly
an intellectual decision, is it? It's a save your ass decision. And so Roland Hazard, the hot thing
then was the Oxford movement. And so he got in that and had this spiritual awakening.
Got set free from alcohol. Then he showed Ebi Thatcher how to do it. And then Ebi showed Bill.
So anyway, when Bill writes him and thanked him and everything, he wrote back,
no, I didn't know what happened, et cetera, et cetera. And he said, after all my years of
studying alcoholism, I really think that the search for alcohol is a low level thirst for God.
And that we're actually trying to solve the God problem by drinking.
And we were desperately hoping that this would fix us so that we would be complete again.
And alcohol is so similar to a spiritual experience that we thought we really had it.
There were times when I was so grateful for alcohol. I said, gee, I'm so lucky that alcohol's
in the world. Because all I have to do is go in there. I'm going to go in there. I'm going to go
in there. Hey, Fred, give me three of you know what. And then one, two. And then for that moment,
I was complete. I don't know if you remember that. It happened to me around the third or
fourth drink. Is that right, Jack? Somewhere in that neighborhood. And you suddenly went, yes.
I'd look around the bar going, these are the greatest people I've ever seen. Look at them.
Look at them. I hadn't even met them yet. They just, I knew they were God's,
kids. They were, look at that. Look at that. Now, 10 more drinks. Hey, asshole, come here.
That was the end of the spiritual
transformation that the alcohol. But there was that moment when, yes, this must be what it feels like
to be complete. I don't need anything. You know, they'd go,
let me buy a round of drinks. Well, that's your rent money. Hey, got to live a day at a time.
I'll get to rent. Who cares? You know, there was just, I'm complete. Don't need any. I remember
that feeling. Right at this moment, I don't need anything. That was the greatest feeling
from alcohol. Well, that's what a spiritual thing is.
I think the final point that I want to make is, if God is everywhere,
then it's impossible to be away from God. It's absolutely impossible.
How could you move away from God if he's everywhere? I'm up at the front of the room. I
said, I'll go back in the back of the room. Then I'll be away from him. Well, he's there. He's
everywhere. So how is it possible for God to move away from God? How is it possible for park Or 주
is it possible for us human beings to move away from God? If God is everywhere, then it's
absolutely impossible. I think the final point that I want to make is, if God is everywhere, then it's
beings to become separated from God.
Just think about that. If he's everywhere, how could you possibly be separated
from God? And here comes the trick. You
make up a story that you exist separate from God and believe it.
There, the trick's out of the bag. That's how each one of us
became separate from God so that we lived
in a world where there was no God. It was our
world. And we're the center of it. That's what self-centered
means. It means wherever I turn and look, I look at the
universe from where I stand, I'm at the center of it. And man's been
doing that for a long time. I mean, the best intellectuals on earth look
around the solar system and said, I wonder what the center of the solar system is. It's obviously
where I am. That's pretty freaking obvious, man. I'm
looking and there's all this stuff over there and I'm here. So they had
to make the earth the center of it so that they would be at the center of it because that's what our ego wants.
And when in later years the observers
started going, we don't think earth is the center. They were ready
to kill them. Why? Because they'd have to get rid of all their old ideas.
That would be a hell of a thing to change from earth to sun. I've been
living at the center of the solar system for 50 years and you want me to suddenly make the sun
the center? I don't care if it is. If I kill you, we can
keep the earth as the center. That's how far it went. That's how
hard it is to become un-self-centered or to become
un-self-centered.
Un-earth-centered, which is what had to be done.
And so we create this. That's how separation occurs. It's the
only way you can be separated from God is to make up a story
that you exist as a separate person and separate from
God. As a matter of fact, there is no God where I live. So I created
a whole universe where there's no God. And then I went
around telling people that. I don't see any God. No God in my life.
He never helped me. I never got tapped on the shoulder. Here's God.
There's no God. And you know something? There wasn't.
If you decide there is no God, there is no.
That's what that sentence says. He's either everything or he's nothing. He is or he isn't.
What's your choice going to be? I choose that there is no God.
Damn. Magic. There is none. Now live with it. Got lonely
in there, didn't it? It was very lonely. Wasn't loneliness one
of the key things of being an alcoholic? I am so freaking lonely in
here. Why are you lonely in there? I'm the only one in here. And each
one of us was the only one in our world.
That's a hell of a place to live. So I wrote a story.
And then we'll wrap it up.
And this is my attempt at the human
dilemma. They found him broken and weeping
in the domain of the four horsemen. The skies
were black with terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair.
His lungs were aching from breathing air polluted
with pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
The ropes of resentment and self-pity held him firmly
in the cell of loneliness and fear. They lifted him
gently and carried him to an inn. They bathed him and tended to his
wounds. They fed him and loved him until he stopped sobbing. They
took him on their path towards the light. They took steps to lift
the veil from his eyes. The vision of their world slowly began to
manifest itself and he saw sites he never knew existed. He
experienced the sunlight of the spirit, the great reality, and the
presence of infinite power and love. His whole attitude and
outlook upon life has changed. He stood at the last step of the
bridge of reason. Remember that thing
in the big book? He saw
clearly that one final
step would take him into the world
of the spirit. Suddenly
he spun around and strode deliberately and purposely
back the way he came. At a
brisk pace, he came down from the mountains into the familiar
darkness and stench of the secret
caverns of his domain.
His work had been detailed and thorough.
No exits, no portals for light to penetrate.
He settled into his favorite chair,
a throne at the exact center of his
world. The future once again
belonged to him.
He realized how close he had come to placing
a God before him.
He smiled as he prepared to die of absolute
misery. He smiled because he
knew that when he died, he would
die totally in charge of the whole universe.
That's our deal.
It is.
There was, what is that?
Oh my goodness.
It's a long time ago poem.
I'll think of it.
But the line in the middle of it that
captured me,
was,
to serve in heaven or to reign in hell,
are the choices we're trying to make.
To serve or to reign.
And guess what the ego likes to choose?
I want to be in charge.
I want to be in charge.
So this is the struggle that we're fighting.
That's why it's so hard.
That's why it's so painful.
To take seeking to another level.
Your heart wants to do it.
You come to something like this and you go,
yeah.
You ever get that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then we go back in the room.
We go,
oh, you can't make that.
Then it starts.
Then the counter argument starts.
Because our world is being threatened.
The one we run.
Where everything is ours.
You just came up with the idea of
giving up some of that world.
And there's going to be a backlash.
Which is why the seventh step talks about pain
as being part of the spiritual journey.
But every time we take a step forward
and go through that pain,
we realize it was worth it.
That it's just,
it's like getting in shape.
It's really painful in the beginning.
But the more you do it,
the more it becomes something you look forward to
because of the great rewards we get.
So I hope that one way or the other,
you take a look at the dynamics
within inside of yourself.
And realize,
every time you're going to try to advance,
there's going to be a backlash.
And just dismiss the backlash
and keep going anyway.
Because the only pain is in resisting growth.
The only pain is in resisting letting go.
That's where the struggle is.
And isn't it a silly struggle?
You can have everything if you just open your hand.
You can have everything.
You remember that story about the monkey
and they put the food in the bottle
and he reaches in, gets a handful,
and they come to catch him.
They just walk over and grab him.
And he won't run away
because he ain't going to let go.
He ain't going to let go.
That's us.
The thing that's stopping us from having it all.
I want to keep this too.
I don't want it all.
I want this and all of it.
And so,
let's all join together in letting go.
That's it.
We'll wrap it up.
We're coming up
and then we'll be back here later.
Thank you all for your attention.