Knowing the Words Without the Music Is the Difference Between Dry and Sober – Peggy M.

My name is Peggy Martin, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Peggy. And through the grace of God and fellowship of people like you and sponsorship, I have been sober since February the 4th, 1964, and for that I'm very grateful. He's very grateful, too, because his life would be hell if I was not sober. As a matter of fact, he might not have a life if I... I am not one of these people who got sober and got wonderful. It's not my nature. It is not my nature to be wonderful now. I am not a wonderful person. I'm kind of a brat, really. I'm an old brat now, but I'm kind of a brat. And the deal is that, to me, Alcoholics Anonymous is for people like me, because my... I really didn't care when I was out drinking. I didn't care. I didn't care. I didn't care. I didn't care. You know, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Gimme. Just gimme. If you just gimme, everything would be fine. Just fine. Just leave me alone. I want to be happy. Figure out why I was so lonely. You know, and... You know what? Let me tell you something. Listen, we think, we think, this is, this is what is so self-centered. We're, no one here is self-centered, right? No one is self-centered. No, we're all out of self, right? All out of self. Ha! Here's the deal. We think we're so complicated. We're so, so complicated. I mean, nobody on earth feels like this. Well, nobody feels. We are so complicated. And really, we're not. We're really selfish, self-centered, who want our way. And when people won't give us our way, we step on the toes of our fellows, and they retaliate. Seemingly without provocation. That the truth. And I, you know what? I mean, it's like, I'm still like that today. Do you go through an entire day never thinking about yourself? Do you? Who does? Tell me who does. I mean, I don't see any hands, but you may just be ashamed. You know, you may, maybe you're just all out of self. Maybe you just get up thinking of God, and your fellow man, and who you're going to go out and help, and everything. Not me. I woke up this morning, and Dick had turned on CNN at 7. And my first thought was, that jerk. I mean, CNN. I mean, the world's bad enough I have to listen to it now. But do you understand what I'm saying? That's what I love about AA. What I love about AA is, it's full of people like me. We can come, and we have a place where we can come, and we can grasp the solution to anything that bothers us. Anything. We can grasp the solution. Then after the meeting, we can moan and groan about it to each other. You know what? Have you ever really listened to your sponsor? I mean, I listen. I sponsor. I mean, have you ever, like, tuned out the words? None of you would ever do that, right? But I did a lot. I mean, I, especially in the first, I did a lot. And here's how she sounded to me. And I think about that now, when I'm talking to some of the people that I sponsor, and they get this look. And it's like a glaze over their eyes, and it's like, I can just almost... It almost makes me laugh, because I think, I know what they're hearing. She's at it again. But AA is the place for people like me. As the British say, there's a spanner for every nut. You know, there is a wrench for... There's a lid for every pot. That's me. AA is a lid for my pot. I fit in this place like you wouldn't believe. To this day, I am not a person who just got wonderful when I got sober. I got more. More human than I had ever been in my life when I got sober. I developed defects of character when I got sober I didn't even know about for years. I mean, for years. When I first got sober, I don't honestly remember a thing that went on in the first two years of my sobriety. Not a thing. Not a thing. And part of that was because I was such a drunk. And part of it was because I was so self-absorbed that anything that didn't penetrate my shield, wasn't worth much. The only... Isn't this a truth? This is so exciting. I just thought about this. I was helping a little girl color out there today. And it was kind of like, she would color and I would color. And she would color and I would color. And I thought, this is AA. This is AA. She doesn't as color as well as I color. Because I, frankly, had a lot more experience of coloring than she has colored. But she was trying to do what I was doing. Now, that's AA. Here's... We have people, my sponsor and the people who came before us, who know how to color. They've been coloring for years. They've been doing stuff. They stay in the lines. They use different colors for different shades, you know. They... I made Mickey Mouse look like a pimp this morning. I mean, I was... I had... I didn't tell her that. I told her he was a dandy. But I mean, to me, he looked like a pimp. He had on pink gloves and pink outfit. A pink outfit and blue pants and sky blue hat and stuff. But, I mean, I can get creative with my coloring. And the same is true with people who've been sober a long time. People who... Not so... Not sober. Not sober a long time. People who've been active members of Alcoholics Anonymous a long time. There's a difference. Now, I'm sure you don't have any people like this in St. Louis. But we have people in Nebraska who are so sober. And all they say is, Keep a plug in the jug and everything will be okay. And if I... There were people like that when I got sober. And I saw those people and the thought came to my mind, I do not want what you have. And I will not go to any lengths to get that. I didn't come to AA to be like that. I came to AA... Des... I... Desperate. Desperate. Desperate. But not that desperate. Do you understand what I'm saying? Had I realized that people like that, like those people who had been sober many years, but who really were not enjoying life, if I had realized that, then my life might have taken a whole different tack. But it didn't. Because what I... Really, frankly and honestly, what was the first thing, the first, very first thing, if you walked in the doors of AA, what was the very first thing that kept you there? What was... What was it that keep you coming back? What is it today? What is it? It may be a different thing. But when you first walked in, what was it? You know what it was for me? It was the people. It was the people. It was the people. It was... It was people shaking my hand. It was people giving hugs. It was people telling me to keep coming back. It was people who saved me a chair. It was the people. Because for two years, I didn't in any way understand that there was even a program. I didn't understand that there were even steps. I mean, I didn't understand. I knew. I read them. But I didn't feel them. I didn't understand them. I didn't believe in anything. Belief is truth proved over and over and over again. I didn't have any beliefs. I mean, I was a real puffball when I got to AA. You know those... Do they have them in Missouri, those puffballs? They're real light things, and they look like they'll be interesting. And then you mash them, which is my nature, and inside's nothing hardly, except a bunch of little fuzzy stuff. That's exactly what I was like when I was just a shell of a human filled with a bunch of fuzzy stuff. And that's how I felt. That's how I felt. So, I am a member in good standing of Alcoholics Anonymous. And by a member in good standing, what I mean by that is that I have lived, taken, incorporated into my very being the principles and values the principles involved in the steps and the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. That does not mean that I do that perfectly, but it means that I incorporate those principles as much as I can, the best that I can into my life today, because I like the results. It means that I attend at least four meetings a week. It means that I am on a greeting committee at my home group. It means that when I'm asked to do something, that I will do it. It means that when, and thank you for the invitation, I am asked to come to St. Louis, I will come to St. Louis. It means that whenever possible, I will reach out my hand to the newcomer and the person who needs my help. I will reach out even if they don't think they need my help. It means that I will try to pay back some of the things that I have been given. And I'll tell you something. I sit and see people in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous who, because of their very visage, the very way that they look, are denying the existence of a higher power. And I'll tell you how. They are doing it because they look like they just lost their last friend. And if they truly recognize the significance of the enthusiasm that is injected into this program, they would realize that their responsibility, like my responsibility, is to show you one person, one person in this audience, if one person gets something out of what I'm going to say this afternoon, then they will perhaps realize that that enthusiasm, which is the God within, does no good if I don't pass it on. It does me no good. It does you no good if I don't show you, show you the results. My God! We have absolutely been saved from God. Was your life wonderful? Sally, if you weren't here this morning, her life was horrible. Horrible. And you get to hear the rest of the story tomorrow. It was horrible because of who was in it. She was in it. And she said that. I mean, it was her reaction to life. It's my reaction to life. And now I'm here. And I literally was taken, rocketed into a fourth dimension. And it is my responsibility to show you. Here. Here. There was an old joke years ago. It's an old AA joke about a, a guy that used to, it was his group. You know how it is. His group. And he'd sit at the door of the meeting. And as people would pass by, they'd say, Hey, Joe, how you doing? Hey, Joe, how you doing? And he'd say, I'm just fine. I'll keep the plug in the jug, and everything's just fine. And this brand new person, or relatively young person came bopping in the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, and passed by his table, and said, Hey, Joe, how are you? He said, I'm fine. She said, Well, then why don't you tell your face? It takes more muscles to pull down than it does to pull up. I ought to tell my body that, actually. But it does take more muscles. It does take more muscles to pull your face down than to pull your face up. Aesthetically pleasing. Down lines are not aesthetically pleasing. Up lines are very pleasing. Cowards die many times before their death. The valiant taste of death but once. What does that mean? It means we can die every day. Attitude. We can die every day. We can crab every day. We can feel sorry for ourselves every day. We can feel guilt-ridden every day. We can feel resentful every day. We can feel anything we want to, every single day, if we want to. But, boy, we'll be miserable. Or, we can be happy every day. We can be helpful every day. We can be cheerful every day. We can be cheerful. Even if I'm not happy, I can be cheerful. Cowards die many times before their death. The valiant taste of death but once. Mark Twain said, Most folks is as happy as they make up their minds to be. I think that ought to be one of A.A.'s slogans. Instead of think, think, think, which I think is a real dangerous slogan. I think we ought to have, make up your mind. Are you going to be happy or are you going to pose for a Hush Puppy ad? Are you going to be happy or are you going to be miserable? Are you going to be happy today or are you going to be miserable today? Because we have the freedom to be either one. But I'll tell you what. Having been both, having experienced both, I'll take happy. I'll take happy. I'll take up lines. I'll take smiles. I'll take handshakes. I'll take hugs. I'll take looking in the eyes of somebody brand new when nobody's home and seeing the light come on. Have you ever done that? Have you ever looked in somebody's eyes and seen the light come on? There's nothing like it. There is nothing like it in the world. So I need to let you know that God is active in my life. And I need to... I mean, I'm not religious. Please don't... I mean, I'm not. I'm a fallen away Episcopal. We're... It's loaded with Episcopals here today. I'm a fallen away Episcopal. But I have a spiritual program that you have given to me. I couldn't have developed that myself. I just know that through the years of sobriety and through the years and the actions of the steps and meeting after meeting after meeting and sponsors and sponsoring people, that I know that God is good. And that He loves me. And I know things are going to be okay. Even if they're not my way. And I don't even have to give the permission that's needed. I don't even have to give that... I'm just going to be okay. Circumstances may not, but I'm going to be okay. And I... And I... God, can't I smile about that? Do you know what... Do you know what... Listen. There's a little boy. There's a little boy in our group. Well, he's not in our group. He's a little young, but... He's the son of some people in our group. And when he was about three years old, he was diagnosed with an astrocytoma of the spine, which is a very aggressive cancer. It's very aggressive. And I honestly didn't think he'd see five. I mean, I really didn't think he'd see five. But they went in and... And they blasted him with stuff. And they gave him stuff. And all his hair fell out. And he used to come over. His mother used to clean for me. And he used to come over and help me work. And my mother was over there one day. And Jason was sighing. And he was tired and everything. And my mother said to him, Jason, you don't have to work. Why don't you rest? And he said, A man must do what a man must do. And that's his attitude. You know, I mean, he just has the best attitude. And here... And it went away. I mean, it went away. He is nine. And it's still gone. And that's not possible. But in the last year, he began to bend over like this. And his ribs were going to puncture his lung. So they had to do this massive operation where they took a rib from Jason. And they went in through his neck. And they put this rib in his vertebra to brace his neck so that he can stand straight. And, like, he's in this body cast. And he has a halo thing on. And we go over. There's a kind of schedule. And we go over and babysit so his mom can get to meetings. And we go visit Jason and that kind of thing. And that's no big deal. The big deal is this. If you had gone to Jason and you had said, all you have to do is go to a few meetings a week, go out for coffee with people you like, take a few steps, help other people and shake their hands, and you will never have to suffer with this again, what do you think his choice would have been? I know what his choice would have been. But when they came to me before I was ready, if they had said, all you have to do is go to a few lousy meetings and stick out your hand and take the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would have said, that's way too much trouble. That's way too much of my time. That's way too much of my effort. But we suffer from a deadly disease just like Jason. We don't die heroic. We die tacky, disgraced, dishonorable. So it's the least I can do. I can do to come to St. Louis. It's the least I can do to go to meetings. It's the least I can do to stick out my hand and shake people's hands. It's the least I can do to sponsor people. Go out of my way. It's the least I can do. Because given a choice, Jason would do what we do in a minute. I've always been weird. I've always been weird. I'm still not. I'm one bubble off a plum. I mean, aren't you? I mean, would we be in this room if we weren't just one bubble off a plum? We wouldn't, we wouldn't like stick together, would we? If we were, do you like normal people? I mean, do you really feel like adequate in front of normal people? I mean, they like, they like play bingo. And they get real excited about bingo. I mean, they like really get excited. They say things like, well, in 1947, when I won that bingo jackpot, and I don't even remember what I was doing in 1947. You understand what I'm saying? They get excitement out of wonderful, ordinary things. Oh, you know, I mean, it's, they're normal people. Whatever that is. I don't know what that is. But I mean, they're not like me. Let's put it that way. And that's what's nice about AA, because all it is is just a group of weirdos. And we kind of shut the door to keep the normal people out. You know, not to keep us in, to keep the normal people out. We don't let them come to our meetings. We say the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. Stay out. You don't have that desire. You know, we keep the normal people out and keep the weirdos in. That's AA. I love that. I love it. But the thing I want to say, I mean, I, I've never been right. Never, never been right. And I don't know why I was wrong. I mean, I don't know why I was weird to begin with. I don't have any idea. I just know I felt always like a human dichotomy. I felt like, I felt like, maybe I was. Maybe I am. Sloppy. Slightly schizophrenic. I don't know. I don't care. I have too much fun. I don't want to worry about it. But I do know this. I felt exactly like this. On the one hand, I felt like I was the dumbest, most stupidest, most graceless, most ignorant, most tacky, most ugly, most baseline person you've ever, I mean, just really, lower than whale poop on the ocean floor. Really bad. Bad self, bad self-image, bad whatever. All the psychiatrists tell me. You got poor self-image. Well, right. You know, I mean, I didn't have any image at all. I mean, I was just whale poop on the ocean floor. On the other hand, I felt as equally convinced that I was so smart and so far beyond those people, and so intelligent, and so witty, and so charming, and so spirited, and so intelligent, that I was presidential material. Of course, that ain't much. But it used to be some. Anyway. You understand what I'm saying? And when you feel like you're the smartest, brightest, and I'm not making any political statements. I'm just saying that's all the way around. Maybe we should run for president. Wouldn't that be great? All of us. We could form a coalition. Alcoholics, presidentialists. That'd be great. Anyway. When you feel really, really smart. Really, really smart on one hand, and really, really dumb on the other. Really beautiful and graceful on one hand. And he's laughing at me, isn't he? And really dumb on the other. That creates a lot of tension. A lot of tension. And when I drank, it disappeared. It lightened. Remember being there? Just being there? Remember that? There. Right there. Right there. Right then. Right now. Remember that? Remember it? It never lasted very long. It was and then it was gone. Take another drink. Gone. It was temporary. Alcoholics Anonymous does exactly the same thing for us. But it takes a long time. And I was so immature. I wanted my answers right. I wanted my answers now. I wanted a 30-minute sitcom. I wanted everything done in a half hour. Fix me. Come on. Fix me. Here I am. Fix me. Fix me. And it took years. And here I am. I leaned over to Albert this morning. Sally was talking about growing up. You know, being a grown up. And she said something. Well, you were immature. You know, which is the only time she really took his inventory this morning. Anyway, she said you were immature. And I leaned over to Albert. And I said, I don't think I even began to grow up. Until I was 50. And I don't have 55. Almost 55 now. So I've got a long way to go. But see, what I'm saying is, I wanted everything on my terms. I was this broken person. I don't like to even think about it like that. Because I was so arrogant, I didn't think I was broken. I was just off center. And never could get it right. I could never just be there. I just could never get it together. You know, it was just like there was. I hate this. Because it's like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You know? I didn't even think about that. But didn't understand. And my mira was like, I love when people talk to me and just tell me that that's not true. To have all this got to you. Never. Never get it together. You know? It was just like. There was. I hate this. Because it's so hackneyed. But there were more than one me. There were at least two. And there were people. Who, I mean. I was always talking to myself. I knew it was me. I knew it wasn't other people. I knew I was talking to myself. But there seemed to be several of me talking to myself. And it would tell me things like. And if I call it mind chatter. You know? Of where it's just like. to go look for a job. No, you don't want a job. You're too lazy. Ah, you've got to go to high school. No, you don't have to go to high school. You just drop out. Drop out. You're a hippie anyway. No, you're not. You're a beatnik. You know, well, why don't you go? Well, blow it up and burn it down. No, I don't want to blow it up and burn it down. Peace, baby, peace. You know what I mean? Let's hang it off. You know what I'm saying? Well, let's go. Let's go. I used to picket with, you know, that Cesar Chavez that just died. I used to be a proponent of his. And yet I was, you know, I was a radical. I was just, I was, I was just right of the till of the hun. You know, I had these terrible, terrible pulls in my first hour, and I was far right, far left, far middle. You know, I mean, it was just crazy. And what, you know, I heard Holly Martin say one time, a long time ago, she said, there was a question. They said, were you a social drinker? And she said, if you're buying, yeah. If I'm buying, no. I understood that. If you bought it for me, I'd drink with you. But if I was buying, I didn't want to share it. Who wants to share it? I mean, that was, that was good money stolen. I mean, I steal it from anybody. Hey, I'm not sharing this. I stole it from my dad. You know, I mean, I'm not giving away. So, I mean, it was so, it was tiring being me. It was, I was tired. I mean, my, the big, the flat, flat out, the thing I remember about giving up, the thing I remember about surrendering, and this is true to today. Anything I surrender to, you know what the emotion I feel is? Is it like ecstatic relief? You know, like, oh, oh, I surrender. No, I'm just pooped. I'm just tired. I mean, I, I came to AA and I was just pooped. They say whipped in the book. I was pooped. I was so tired. I thought, I just can't do it. I can't. I, I can't do it one more day. I just can't do it one friggin' more day. I can't do it. I just, I'm out of gas. I'm just, I just, I can't help it. I'm just tired. Call me a wimp. Call me a wuss. I don't care. I'm just, I'm tired. I'm tired. Just tired. That was it. I mean, I was just out of ideas. I was out of steam. I was out of power. But I didn't know the name of it. I mean, I didn't know the name. I didn't know. And I didn't know that I had just surrendered my life and my will. I didn't know that. I didn't even know the words. I just knew the music. And I, you know there are people in AA who know the words. But they don't know the music. And the deal is, you, you, you end up in my experience, in my observation through the years, you gotta know the words, and you gotta know the music. You gotta do it to make the song. And if you don't, if you know the words, and you don't know the music, you know it here. But you don't know it here. If you know the music, know it here, but you don't know it here. And you've got to get it together. It's like you've got to sing the song. And I didn't know that for years. I mean, I didn't know that for years. But A is just like I was telling about with the kid. It's an I do, you do, you do, I do, I do, you do, you do, I do. It's not an I think, you think, you think, I think, I think, you think. It's a you do, I do, I do, you do. That's what it is. You know, there's an old saying, Chinese, I think, that says, what does it say? To read, what is it? To read is to remember. No, to read is to forget. To see is to remember. To do is to learn. And for me, that's AA. I can read about AA and forget it. I can see people doing AA, but if I don't do anything, I'm not going to complete the task. But if I do it, I'm going to forget it. I will learn. And that is the bottom line for me, is that I had to come, come to, and come to believe. And I had to do it by action. I had to take the actions of I do, you do, I do, you do, you do, I do. And I've been doing that for 29 years. If I only would just remember that. If I had just remembered that it's not easy, but it's simple. It's simple. It's simple. If I'll do what I did in the beginning, I'll do what I did in the beginning. If I'll do what I did in the beginning, I'll be okay. If I'll go to meetings and stick out my hand and be on greeting committees and continue to be honest and continue to try to do a daily inventory and that kind of thing, if I take the actions and the steps on a daily basis or whenever, if I do meditation in the morning, say the third step prayer, if I keep doing that kind of stuff, I'm going to be okay. And I'm going to stay here because I want to stay here. I don't want to leave. Bye. But, but, and this is through observation too, of and by myself, I would drink again. Of and by myself, without you, without meetings, without sponsorship, without the book, I would drink again because it is my nature as an alcoholic to drink. So we're beating the odds. And if you don't believe it, look at some of the statistics. We're beating the odds. We're beating the odds. And let me tell you another thing that I know. And that is when I first got sober, it was relatively cheap to be sober. I didn't have anything to lose. But if I were to leave now, it would be expensive because I would lose everything I have. And I got a lot to lose. So I really got to do what I did in the beginning. I really got to do it. And it's my nature not to want to. Isn't that strange? It's my nature to say, what is this? What is this that she is asking me to do? I mean, I know she's been sober 30 years. Okay, okay, okay. Why do I have, why can't he do it? Or she do it? Or the new guy? Why do I have to pick up my own chair? Why do I have to greet people, and pretend like I like them? Why can't a new guy do it? I mean you can't. Why, why? Why? Why? Why do I have to do this? Because that's the nature. Here, here it is. Here is my, this is my, this is the enemy. This is it. This is the enemy, this is my enemy, and this is my enemy. And why do I have to do this? Why? Why couldn't a new guy do it? Why does someone love sex? Why doesn't someone like sex pay attention to sex play on the table? And then you want to pretend like you didn't know you did that, you knew charged into it, for your fly? Why did you know that? And them drive that into it. Why does a man say no? Well, he'd leave someone Now that's an oxymoron. This is the, this, this in here. This is a dangerous neighborhood. It's dark. And it's dirty sometimes. And it has visions and vistas in there that nobody thinks about except me. Like fears that are weird, like being sucked out of jet airline windows and things like that. No one else in the history of the earth has ever been sucked out of a jet airplane window, but I'll be the first. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's like nobody has these, of course everybody has those thoughts, but they are very, my thoughts are like mushrooms. They're like, have you ever been to where mushrooms are grown? They grow a lot of them in Illinois. It's dark and stinky and wet and dank and all, they grow up out of this stuff and that's like a lot of my ideas, you know, they're like ugly looking things, you know, but other than by myself, see, they're my ideas, so I think, but then I'll pluck one out and I'll just as a test, I'll say, what do you think of this? Oh, well. I, I wouldn't do that if I were you. So that's why, you know, it's, that's why we need AA. That's why, of and by myself, I would drink again. But when I'm with you, I bring out my ideas and you, every truth, every truth is a variety of experience. Every truth is forged through untruth. A whole series of mistakes. A whole series. A whole series of falsehoods. The truth emerges from a whole series of falsehoods. You would try this and it doesn't work. Try this, it doesn't work. Try this, it doesn't work. Try, and that's AA. AA has been forged from a, because let's face it, I mean, Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob and those guys, I mean, they were lucky to live. They were lucky that God was there as a spark between them. Wasn't that the truth? Isn't that the truth? Isn't that meeting? Do you realize, and I've heard Clancy say this, and I just, I mean, the hair stands up on my arms when I think about that. Do you realize our lives hung by a thread at that meeting? What if there was something about Dr. Bob that just ticked off Bill Wilson? We would have, I mean, our lives literally hung by a thread. Because AA would have never been born if it hadn't been for those two guys meeting. Because there would have been no. There would have been no experience to forge the truth out of. It's never the, these mushroomed ideas that I have in, that I had in drinking and that I have in sobriety, I think are the truth. But until I take them and put them on someone else's mind, I don't really know. So that's why I need the experience of meetings. That's why I need to go to meetings. That's why I need to sponsor people. That's why I need to stay active in AA. More now, because my sobriety is so. When I drank. It did things for me that it didn't do for anybody. It just didn't seem. I mean, my waist would nip in and my hips would flare out. And my boobs would grow. And I would just. I would just. It was magic. It was just, it was just, oh, it just made, it was wonderful. It just went down. I love beer. And I used to, I was born here in St. Louis. And, you know, I used to drink Bush, which is a, really, I think, terrible beer, I think. I don't know for sure, really, but I like Bush. And, I mean, my grandmother went to school with the Bush girls, you know, and all that sort of thing. And she grew up in Pacific, Missouri. And my father was born in Pacific. And my mother was born in Arrow Rock. And I was born here in St. Louis in St. Luke's Hospital. And I went to Washington University at St. Louis. And I, when they were tearing all the buildings down along the riverfront to build the arch and those buildings down there eventually, I was down. I'd sit in. I'd sit in my car and drink and watch them wreck those buildings. Just had a great time. I mean, that was my idea of social drinking, was to sit by myself in the car and watch them wreck buildings. Because I was in the proximity of other human beings. You know, and that was kind of the extent of my social drinking. Because I was not a very social drinker. I mean, I just, towards the end, I was a very lonely drinker and a very sad drinker. And, I mean, I was lacrimose. Anything would make me cry. You know, I, my mother, one Christmas, gave me this plastic jewelry box, you know, with one of those tops. When you opened it up, it had this ballerina that twirled around inside and it played some song. And it was probably a 498 jewelry box. And I just burst into tears and just sobbed. Because I, you know, I said, oh, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. Well, that was the guilt. It was the guilt. Because there are these emotions that we have that we don't know what to do with, don't we? I mean, it's like, it was like, when I drank, it changed a black and white world into tech. It was like getting a brand new TV set that you just adjust the knobs on it. And that's what sobriety is like. Because my sponsor basically is the adjuster of the knobs. You know, it's like, some days when I get up, I've got TV that's black and white. Boring, dull, glum, self-pitying, resentful. And my sponsor twiddles the knobs. Most folks is as happy as they make up their mind. And I, so I drank because it made my boobs grow. You know what else? I mean, that's as good a reason as any. It relieves the anxiety. It, it, it. Oh, this. We dichotomized personality together for the short period of time. And I, it never lasted long enough. Never, the effect never lasted long enough. It made me at peace and ease. It did the same thing for me that AA does. Except it takes AA longer. And I have to be mature. I have to, oh, I hate that word. I have to be, you know, on this CNN program this morning. There was this reporter who said, if people have the impression that there are no grown-ups in the White House. And I thought, the thing that made, it said to me was, don't you ever go to work some days and think, I wonder when the grown-ups are going to show up? I mean, it's like I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I'm thinking, I, see, that's what it is. That's what it is. It's like I'm not, okay, I got a good example. They're doing this freeway. It's being built from Omaha to Plattsmouth. Have any idea why? Because Plattsmouth is a nothing town. I mean, it is nothing. It is a flat town at the end of a flat river. That's what it means, flat mouth. And it is not an interesting town. Why anyone would really want to go to Plattsmouth, I don't know. But they have put this enormous freeway. they've dug it right through our town to take everybody down to Blacksmith and then on to Kansas which is even less understandable okay not that I just like plant Kansas it's just flat down there I mean after all Dorothy got sucked up by the you know but I mean it's very flat in Kansas lot of weeds, lot of stuff, lot of friends down there so don't get mad at me anybody from Kansas but it's not a place I really want to go but this freeway goes right down there in the process of this they have taken the topography in my town in that area and they have taken these big machines and they have moved the dirt they have actually moved the dirt I mean they have pushed the dirt flattened the dirt, rounded the dirt shoved the dirt pushed the dirt up into abutments, planted grass on the dirt, put some little spindly trees on the dirt, put a median in the dirt they have moved the dirt it doesn't look anything like it looked before I can't even remember what it looked like before they have moved, they've done all that to this dirt it's the same dirt we didn't like import dirt it's the same dirt now what does that say to me I'm the same dirt I got the same dirt I've got the same dirt maybe a little fatter than I was or a little thinner than I was better looking than I was than I was but I got the same dirt do you understand what I'm saying I have the seeds of my destruction and my recovery both within me same dirt same tendency to character defects same deal same inadequacies same selfishness same resentment same deal it just looks different and it acts different and it moves different and it loves different and it's kind of different and it's more giving that's just but it's the same dirt so I gotta there's no graduation from AA or ANA as we call it affectionately there's no graduation from this joint there is no leaving for this alcoholic and I know that because I've seen people who have left and I've seen them come back and sometimes I've seen them die out there and I've seen them die out there most of the time if I ever see them again if they get back they have a hell of a time staying because they've burned their bridges and they've shot their wad and they have they have the same dirt that I do what is it about you and I that allows us to stay I've asked myself that a lot what is it what did I have when I got to AA now I ended up drinking I'm not going to bore you with that I got thrown out I had a are battlefield my noses are the liver I mean I was a wreck a wreck when I got to AA I weighed 152 pounds my liver was sticking out to here my eyes were yellow my skin had little red lines running through it my hair was falling out my fingernails were wavy and breaking off at the end I I was throwing up yellow bile I mean I was in terrible shape I had esophageal varices which is little blood vessels around the esophagus from throwing up yellow bile in my nose so much from from drinking so much and burning it with vodka straight vodkas i poured it down rot cut 80 proof pop off vodka pour it down there and if i had done it one more time i could have easily hemorrhaged to death from these esophageal varices it's one of the leading causes of death for alcoholics that was i was 25 years old i was in terrible shape what was it and is it to this day that allows me to be here the one thing i had inside in the dirt was i was desperate i was absolutely bottom line totally desperate when i got down just desperate and it wasn't from all of these absolutely terrible things that i'd done the work the thing have you ever thought of your life as a mosaic you remember little you know what a mosaic is it's a picture made up of a whole bunch of little shiny stones different colored stones and when you're really up close to it you can't see anything except a whole bunch of little stones but when you stand back from a mosaic you see the picture that's my life my life up to this time is a growing mosaic and it is a mosaic full of these little stones and some of them are brighter than others and now with 29 years sober i look at that and i can see the mosaic but i know something else and that is that some of those stones are very important to me some of those stones were ingredients in the desperation needed for me to get here and some of them have been the stones of desperation that were needed to keep because i have a problem with ego i have an ego problem i have an ego problem that eases god out of my life and it will do it in a minute if i am not in spiritual condition but let me tell you about a few of those little mosaic stones one was when i was in france i went to school in france to become an interpreter and that's what i did for a living for a while i interpreted different languages and in france while i was there a friend of mine katarina musar who was a social worker i think took me on as a project i was a daily wine drinker at that time because we were served wine in my boarding house standard procedure in france but i would buy bottles and keep them in my room so i was more or less a winette for that period of time i was drinking wine on a daily basis and katarina musar said to me one time um there's a lady that is dying of a circulatory disorder and alcoholism in the french charity hospital i think it would be good if you would go and visit her she speaks broken english and she would like to talk to someone who speaks english i think that was a lie but i think katarina had decided that i needed a project so that i didn't drink so much so she sent me to elena now elena was a french prostitute he was an old sick whore i hadn't thought about this for years not until just about a month or so ago but old elena knew a lot of english all of it swear words so i figured she'd been consorting with gis although of course we know we don't do that but of course we do and she really needed a confessor she just needed somebody to listen to her and i know that my friend katarina sent me to listen to elena because she wanted me to see that my life wasn't that bad and i'd sit i went got on the subway every week once a week for three months and i went down into the bowels of paris to the charity hospital and i'd get off of the metro and i'd walk up and i'd go to the hospital and i'd walk back to her ward and nobody changed the sheets and nobody brought her water nobody really cared they were just warehousing she was not pleasant i didn't feel cleansed or even better when i left there i knew the feeling of going out of my way than the very first time that i had ever done that to that degree one day i got on the subway and i went out there and i walked in and she just wasn't there anymore and she had died and nobody even nobody told me they didn't care what's the difference between elena and me i remember when some this doctor tried to tell me that i was an alcoholic he asked me all these questions i had a he did a liver biopsy and when after the biopsy was done he came to me and he started asking me these questions and i thought my dad had i thought my my mom or my dad had gone to him and had said she's drinking in her car she this was in belleville illinois and he asked me he said do you drink in your car do you drive around and drink do you hide it from you do you keep a stash of water do you keep a stash of water do you keep a stash of water do you you know and i just said no no no no no no because we can't tell people we're drinking can we i mean we can't tell people we're drinking like that it's like whether a judge or a policeman or what how many of you had two we don't say one we know they won't believe it we say two we say two why two why two hello in my case today are people telling us not to drink that's all that's all in simple said to me all these things so i thought my mom and my dad had ratted on me so i went to my mom because i'm scared of my dad and i said in my car and stuff and she said no never told him and so i assumed all these years that it was my dad i assumed my dad had gone and ratted on me and it was convenient for me to assume that because he and i are a lot alike and i didn't i was always you know i had this relationship with him that was prickly to be nice pugilistic was more the case i assumed that he had told him a month ago i said to dad hey dad did you ever tell that doctor in that air force hospital did you ever tell him i drank that much did you ever tell him about that stuff he said no i never said a word interesting so i am now in the process of getting his address that i'm sober so don't ever assume that your work is done nothing more freeing than the eighth and ninth step of making the amends that are necessary nothing nothing more freeing than that not while i'm breathing in and out because there's a lot in this dangerous neighborhood that has just never come to light you know my sponsor is the person that has a flashlight and she said watch out for that pothole there's a burglar in that bush you know just here's the sidewalk don't go wandering off there in the weeds get back over here get back over here you know she's the one that's got the flashlight but every once in a while i want to say turn off the damn light i want to rest and she said no just be quiet come along follow me no fears in sobriety have you i mean i i when i got sober i didn't have any fears i didn't i mean i i didn't know what fear was i knew what resentment was was kind of i didn't even really know what resentment was i knew what hatred was i hated people that's what my dad says you're like a dog in a manger you know how are you you know my first meeting you know my stuff did you look up i never looked up they made me greeter said welcome to the friendship group welcome that was my own group welcome to the friendship group my father said don't say it like that oh i'll be nice let me be greater i don't want i don't want these except i didn't say that to her see i said it in my head because i'm a rebel and a coward and i keep those things to myself but inside i'm going you old bitty you know you're making me do things i don't want to do i don't like people i don't want to greet people i don't care whether they're here or not i don't care why i'm here or not take your old chair and shove it you know you know conversations we have with ourselves and that you know i didn't i didn't like people i mean i i truly truly didn't like people but but i didn't know about these i didn't know about guilt i didn't know about i didn't know any of those i didn't know those names i just knew two things sometimes i was glad and sometimes i was mad and that's about it but i gradually as as the veil lifted as the fog lifted as things began to be clear i began to see these character defects and i think god sends me these deals these awakenings these realizations of character defects they're so necessary to recognize but not necessary you know it says self-knowledge will avail you nothing and that's absolute truth it won't because it's the foot prayers that dick was talking about that are going to actually do something for you but anyway i got afraid to fly well of course you would too if you thought you were going to get sucked out the window q to fly. Now, I wasn't actually afraid to fly. I was afraid of crashing and burning is what I was afraid of. I was not afraid to fly. But I fly all the time. I mean, I developed some techniques, I shall call them. I would wear my medallion whenever I flew, and I would hold on to it, and as we were taking off, because you see, landing is only a controlled crash. That's what landing is. You're being sucked back to Earth, and the pilot controls it. That's all it is. I mean, don't tell me it's something else. I know my physics, or aerodynamics, or whatever it is. I'd hold on to it. I'd say the Lord's Prayer. Well, and then we'd get up in the air, and every little bump, just, and it's terrible. It's terrible to fly like that. It's awful to fly like that. You talk about obsessive fear. Have you ever had any? I mean, have you really ever had an obsession? I mean, a fear that's an obsession? I would start thinking about flying Monday. And I think I have four nights in my own bed. Three nights in my own bed. Two nights in my own bed. One night. Two days! I mean, it's horrible to feel like that. So I'm on this trip, the trip from hell. I go to Kansas City, and I take this little plane, and we're supposed to go to Little Rock. We're landing in Fayetteville, not my favorite place, but we're landing in Fayetteville. The pilot looks like this. It's a little tiny plane. Six or eight people in it. They made one person get off because it was too heavy. And then they balanced us. And I mean, I'm hanging on to my bed. Oh my God, I do that. Why don't I get off? No, you can say anything. And I'm going on and on and on. So we get in the air, and we get down close to Fayetteville, and the weather is horrible. They're having snow. They're having thunder. They're having snow. They're having snow. They're having snow. They're having snow. They're having snow. They're having ice on the runway. The pilot tries to land. He gets down about six feet above the runway. And I am, I mean, I am, I am so Christian at that minute. I am just playing like crazy, fair weather. I am, I am crazy. I mean, I'm sweating. I'm scared. My stomach's in a knot. We get down there, and he decides he isn't going to land because there's ice all over the runway. He takes back off again, and he goes, well, we didn't make it into Fayetteville. And I go, no poop. And in the middle of this, I hear this rustling. I turn around, and the woman behind me has opened this brown paper bag, and she pulls out a bottle of Schmirnoff vodka, and she takes the lid off, and she takes a great big slug of it, and I felt better. I sent me that lady with the bottle of vodka. And it says so. I can have any God I want, and he can do anything he wants to, and he sent me that lady. And I said, well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. How dare you to ask that? What have I been told? I haven't felt that afraid ever to see this lady with a bottle of vodka. That's going pretty low. That's being pretty desperate. But that's what it is. That's where it's going. So I said, you know, that is fine. It's working for me. If it's still doing so for me, I'm going to keep it. It's mine, it's mine, it's mine. Give me, give me, give me. But when I get desperate, it's like I've given up a prize, you know? It's like you have to get out of my own way.with San Jose at the Saturday night meeting. 10,000 eyeballs. I go get my yellow silk speaking dress on. I'm sitting out listening, watching this play out in an amphitheater. Beautiful place. Beautiful amphitheater outside in San Jose. Downtown San Jose. Watching Sadie the South. Sadie the South is this little play. Cute play. Darling play. But I'm humming. Oh, my God, you're just a broad from Nebraska. You're going to get there on the stage. You're going to faint. Date away. You're going to be speechless. For the first time in your whole life, you're going to be speechless. You're not going to know, and they're not going to give you the money for your airline ticket. But you're not going to ever get back to Nebraska, and Dick's going to die on the vine. All of a sudden, I felt something wet hit my hand, and I looked up. Being from Nebraska, I'm not dumb. I mean, I looked up. I thought it was raining. I looked down. It's white. This lady who's sitting next to me, who's a friend of mine, says, and there was this enormous, I don't know what that bird's been eating, but it was bad. It was a huge splat. On my yellow silk dress, I just, oh, it's a little broad from Nebraska who's got bird shit on her. You girls, those people, you can be sober. You can be crapped on and still be okay. You'll be fine. You don't have to say a thing. Just show them the bird poop. Just show them this. So I brushed the bits out of it, you know, and just left it. And it was like, almost like a stigmata, you know. I mean, I had this thing. And so I got up there, and I was fine. I mean, I was fine. The fear was removed. The self-centeredness was removed. The self-pity was removed. The feeling of not being adequate was removed. It was removed for long enough. Long enough. And isn't that the way it is? Isn't that what human is? Isn't it that we just let it be removed long enough, long enough for something to happen? Long enough to start getting better. Long enough. It's like being, to me, life's like looking in an elevator door. You're looking. You're waiting for the elevator. You wait, and you wait, and wait. And then it opens like this. And then, poof, it shuts again. And I see light through the elevator door. Just wait a minute. Wait a minute. So it's gone. They've shut the door. So you wait around for the next time it comes by. So you get another glimpse. So you get another truth. You get another experience. You get another meeting. You get another pigeon. You get another... Now, don't get another sponsor. I'd never get another sponsor, Sam and Jean. I'm not getting another sponsor. Unless you die, of course. Then I'll have to get another sponsor. You understand what I'm saying? Life is... I get life in glimpses. I get truth in glimpses. I get rid of defects in small increments. Incrementally, I get ill. Incrementally, I get better. And so slowly, I don't see it. But you see it. And you get better, and I see it. And that's an AA meeting. That is the God in you talking to the God in me. The God in you talking to the God in me. I saw the most amazing. The most amazing thing. I've got two stories, and we're done. Really. He's looking at the tape. I've got two stories, and we're done. Recently, we were in South Carolina, Myrtle Beach. And the Friday night, they took us out to dinner. And it was dark. I mean, it was dark. And our host and hostess took us to this place called the Sea Captain's House. And it's a restaurant. And it's an old Sea Captain's House. It's right on the Atlantic Ocean. It doesn't mean anything to them. They live there. It's just the big salt pond to them. But for somebody from Nebraska, that's a big deal. I mean, I don't live next to the ocean. It's an amazement to me. It's awesome to me. I love the sea. I love the power in it. It's like a... It is higher power than me. But it's awesome. And I love looking at it. And it's peaceful there. And it's... It's rhythmic. And I just like... There's a lot of things I like about the ocean. I get out of this thing. And they're adding an addition onto the back of this restaurant. And where they are putting this addition on, there is a huge, tall construction light. Big, bright, bright light. Shining down on the construction site. I assume to light it so that people didn't steal the materials or whatever. Or perhaps to work by or whatever. It was a very, very bright light. And... Right out from this house, I have ever seen were thousands of seagulls. I never thought about where seagulls go at night. I didn't think they, like, sat in huge groups or anything. They weren't sleeping. They weren't visiting. They weren't eating. They were just bobbing around. I knew that this touched something psychically in me. It touched something in me. But I didn't know. So I didn't want to be stupid. So when I go in, I'm real cool, you know. And I said to the waitress, What's with the birds? And she said, We really don't know. A month or so ago, it's the light. What struck that seagull. Bobbing for safety. Safe there. Banded together in the light. And that's what it is here. We're banded together. There's a man walking on the beach. Told you I love to see. And there's been a storm. The night before. And as the man was walking, he looks in the distance. And he sees a man throwing something. And it's real misty and early and beautiful. And the man who was walking, as he approached the man who was throwing, saw that the sand was littered with starfish. That had been dumped up from the ocean on the shore from the night before. From the storm. And as the man who was walking got closer to the man who was throwing, he said to the man, What are you doing? And the man who was throwing said, I'm throwing these starfish back in the ocean so that they can live. Because they can't live up here on the shore. And the man who was walking said to the man who was throwing, What possible difference can it make? There are thousands. And the man who was throwing said, It makes all the difference in the world. To this one. I always. Cry. Because you've made all the difference in the world. To this one.