I’m Powerless Over Alcohol — But I’m Even More Powerless Over Me – Tammy J.

About This Speaker Tape

Tammy J., 56, grew up in Jamestown, New York, the middle child in a blue-collar family. Her father was a devout Catholic exterminator who took the kids to Mass every Sunday; her mother was a narcissistic nightclub singer who wore short skirts, got ready at the vanity while her daughter watched, and never made Tammy feel she measured up. At 11, her parents separated. Her father came home one day, said he was sick, and left. Tammy prayed every night for him to come back. The prayer was not answered. That was when she decided to push her Higher Power out of her life and do her own thing.

First drink at 12 or 13 — a half-gallon Pepsi bottle filled with whatever she and her girlfriends could siphon from their parents' houses, vermouth and Southern Comfort mixed into one bottle. She went to CYO dances drunk and wondered later where the priests were. By high school she had moved to pot, hallucinogens, Quaaludes, and speed — speed so she could drink all night without passing out. Married at 19 to a pot smoker who wasn't really a drinker; friends called them the pretzels because they were always wrapped up in each other. His marijuana maintenance kept her home most nights, but every so often she'd make him take her out so she could get blitzed.

An eating disorder carried her into Overeaters Anonymous in 1981 — her first 12-step program, where the textbook was the Big Book and AA speakers came to share. A move to Winston-Salem, new insecurities, and the idea of controlled drinking — then a box of wine with a spout sitting in her fridge and the question, how did that happen? First AA meeting in 1986. Slip-and-slide years. Sobriety date February 4, 1994.

The real Step One came around 1997. An old militant woman at a meeting got tired of hearing Tammy talk about wanting to drink and told her, will you just go and drink. Tammy went home, sat in her chair, thought about the wine in the cabinet, and for the first time understood it wasn't the bottle she wanted — it was oblivion. Twenty-one years later she teaches pottery at two art centers, played mandolin in a bluegrass band for five years, sponsors three women, still married 37 years, and says she is powerless over herself more than over alcohol.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Julie opens the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NAVA Club and introduces her sponsor Tammy J.
• 3:30 Born 1958 in Jamestown, New York — mother a narcissistic nightclub singer, father a Catholic exterminator, feeling she could never measure up
• 7:00 Parents separate when Tammy is 11 — father says he is sick and leaves, prayers go unanswered, she pushes her Higher Power out of her life
• 10:30 First drink at 12 or 13 — half-gallon Pepsi bottle filled with vermouth and Southern Comfort at a girlfriends' taco night
• 14:00 CYO dances drunk through high school, speed so she can drink all night without passing out
• 19:00 Married at 19 to a pot smoker — the pretzels nickname, marijuana maintenance keeps her home, periodic blitz nights at the bar
• 24:00 Eating disorder leads her to Overeaters Anonymous in 1981, her first 12-step program, with the Big Book as textbook
• 29:00 Move to Winston-Salem, controlled drinking fails, box wine with a spout in the fridge — how did that happen
• 34:00 Sobriety date February 4, 1994 after years of slip and slide, first AA meeting 1986
• 38:00 Militant old-timer says will you just go and drink — Tammy realizes she wanted oblivion, not the bottle of wine