I’m Powerless Over Alcohol — But I’m Even More Powerless Over Me – Tammy J.

All right, everybody, let's have an AA meeting.
My name is Julie, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NAVA Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view
the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeaker.org
desperately in need will hear our speaker.
And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems
that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them, too.
I must have this thing.
Tonight I have a real privilege to introduce our speaker.
This woman has been very instrumental in my own sobriety.
Been my sponsor for several years.
Five years, I think now. Six, maybe.
And I've learned so much from her.
And she has such a wonderful message.
She's such a serene person and a kind person.
I'm looking forward to hearing her story because I never have.
So I give you Tammy Jay.
Hi, everybody. My name is Tammy. I'm an alcoholic.
So what I'm supposed to tell you is what it was like before, what happened, and what it's like now.
And to share with you my experience, strength, and hope.
So I'll start with, well, I'm 56 years old.
That means I was born in 1958.
I was born in Jamestown, New York.
That's why I have this funny.
That's a funny accent.
And one of three children.
I was a middle child.
Born in a, I guess you'd say, working class, blue collar family.
My father was a exterminator.
He did that his whole life, pretty much.
My mother was a housewife until I was maybe around seven or eight years old.
And she decided she wanted to.
She wanted to pursue a career in singing at that point and started singing in a nightclub in the evenings.
And that kind of shaped me in a lot of ways because I used to sit and watch my mother get ready to go out at night.
And she's, I'd have to say she's kind of narcissistic.
And she would, you know, be trying on all these beautiful dresses.
You know, with all the cleavage and everything.
And, you know, and how do I look, you know, and putting on her makeup to get ready to go out and sing at night.
And I would just be sitting there watching her.
And I always wanted to be pretty like her.
She was a very beautiful woman.
She had long blonde hair and a really nice figure.
And I never quite measured.
She, when I was in seventh grade, I remember people would say, is that your sister?
You know, she was like 20 years older than me.
And she used to wear real short mini skirts.
And, you know, she was just, you know, a beautiful woman.
So, you know, I guess I shared that because I always felt like I didn't quite measure up.
That I was lacking in a lot of ways as a teenager.
Particularly when I started going through, you know, adolescence and all that kind of thing that happens to us.
But I'll backtrack a little bit and say that I feel like I had a fairly happy childhood.
Yeah.
Up until the time I was a virgin.
And I was a virgin until I was a virgin.
And I was a virgin until I was a virgin.
And I was a virgin until I was a virgin.
And I was a virgin until I was a virgin.
about 11, and at that point, my parents separated, and it was really a shock because they never
fought, you know, and I thought that they really loved each other. I thought that they
were made for each other. My dad was kind of tall and handsome, and, you know, she was
blonde, and they just seemed like they were just made for each other, never fought. And
then just one day, my dad came home and said that he had to go away for a while. Basically,
he said that he was sick and had to go away for a while, and it really crushed me because
I was very attached to my father. He was the only real religious influence in my life.
He was Catholic. We were brought up Catholic, and he used to take us to church. My mom didn't
really like to go to church, so he would take us to church every Sunday. And I used
to watch him, like, at Easter when we would go to church. He just seemed really devout,
you know, and I would admire that about him. And when he left, you know, when I said, I
I look back at my relationship with God.
I thought I had a pretty good relationship with God.
But when he left, it was almost like when he left, God left.
And I felt that way.
I felt like God left.
And I prayed.
I would pray every single night and ask God, you know, to bring my dad back home,
especially just when they were separated.
And my prayer was not answered.
And so I feel like in a lot of ways I got really angry at God when I was about 11 or 12 years old,
and I just kind of pushed God out of my life and decided, you know what, screw this God thing.
I'm going to never say this exactly, but I think in my mind it was like, screw this God thing.
I'm going to do whatever I want to do.
I'm just going to do my own thing, and I'm not going to rely on God.
Because God lets me down.
And so my mother, we lived with my mother.
And my mother kind of just decided, you know, she was going to do her thing now because she's single.
And, you know, and she was kind of a little bit wild.
She used to party a lot.
And as I became a teenager, you know, she would smoke pot with us and, you know, things like that.
And so I didn't really have much parental guidance growing up.
I had a lot of freedom.
And so when I was about, I guess, 12 or 13 years old, I drank for the first time.
And it was one of these things where we, I was with my girlfriends,
and we were having like a little, we used to get together when I was in junior high.
And we would just make little meals, like we'd have tacos.
We'd decide, oh, we're going to have tacos.
And we would just go to one of the little girlfriends' houses, and we would make tacos.
And one night we decided we were all going to get a little bit of booze from everybody's house.
And we filled up this big bottle, this big Pepsi bottle, you know, one of the, like a half gallon.
I don't know if it was a half gallon or what it was.
But we filled it up.
With God knows what.
You know, it was just, you know, vermouth from here and southern comfort from there.
And, you know, whatever we could get our hands on.
And we filled that bottle up, and we all drank it.
And everybody got just totally drunk out of their minds.
But I was very alert, you know, as to what was going on, you know.
I remember my best friend said,
Sylvia, she got so drunk, and we all had to kind of try to get her sobered up to bring her home.
And we brought her home, and her father, he was Italian, he knew she was drunk.
And he slapped her from one bed to the other.
She had two beds in her room, and she went from one bed to the other, to the other, to the other.
And I remember thinking, I wish that I had somebody in my life
who cared about me that much, you know.
Because, you know, I really didn't have that.
And in some ways, I wish I would have had somebody who would have cared enough
to smack me around after I drank the first time and got drunk.
But I didn't.
So I just kept on.
And so, you know, from the time I was...
about 13, to the time I was...
I wasn't even legally, legal drinking age, you know.
I had pretty much done everything that you could probably do, you know.
I had done, you know, drank a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, you know.
Every time I went anywhere, I don't know if I ever went anywhere,
a social event, we used to have dances every weekend.
That was the big thing.
You know, all these garage bands in the 70s.
And we would, they would have dances at the schools.
You know, junior high school, high school.
I was Catholic, so we had the Catholic Youth Organization, CYO.
They used to have dances every weekend.
You know, sometimes I think back, because I used to go to all those dances drunk.
And I think back, and I think, well, where were the priests?
You know?
You know, it's like, why didn't they ever say anything to me?
They must have known I was drunk, you know.
I used to be one of the ones that would sit along the edge of the,
at the big gym.
We'd have the gym, you know, and they'd have all the chairs along all the edges.
And I'd sit over there.
And if I was lucky, I'd have a guy that I was making out with, you know,
back over there somewhere.
And, or I'd be on the floor, and I would be just dancing like,
a absolute maniac, you know.
I don't, I just, I don't know what would come over me
when I would get some alcohol in me.
I mean, I would just be a total maniac.
So, you know, I know this is AA,
and I'm not going to get into my other addictions in great detail,
but I have to say that the alcohol, when I got a little older in high school,
really led to...
It led to a lot of other things.
And pot was a big one for me.
And hallucinogenic-type drugs, as well as speed.
They were big.
And speed was big because I could take a hit of speed,
and I could drink all night and not get drunk, really.
I mean, at least not think I was drunk, you know.
Just, you could just drink and drink and drink and drink
and still be awake, you know.
Quaaludes were not so great.
Bouncing off walls.
But anyway, so this went on until I was 18 years old.
And I guess I just want to say that, you know,
when it comes to step one in admitting that I'm powerless over alcohol,
I realize that we all have...
I realize that we all have a certain...
I realize that we all have a certain...
place inside of us.
And I have a place inside of me
that was that place of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
You know, that place of having that hole, you know,
inside that was so deep and so lonely.
And whatever the circumstances were that took me there
may not be the same circumstances,
that took you there.
But I got there.
And let's just say that, you know,
I did a lot of things that I was not proud of.
You know, I slept with people I didn't know.
I stole.
I cheated.
You know, those kind of things that I'm not proud of.
And it took me a little while to get into the room of AA.
And I got here in a kind of strange way.
And I'll share that with you, a little bit about that with you.
But I had gotten married when I was 19 years old.
And believe it or not, I'm still with him.
37 years later, we're still together.
We've been through...
We've been through our ups and downs, believe me,
but we're still together.
And, you know, sometimes I think in a lot of ways
that God was really looking out for me,
even though I had pushed him away.
He put me with a guy who was, well, first of all,
really tolerant of a person like me
who can be kind of hard to live with sometimes.
But also...
He wasn't really into drinking when I met him.
He drank some, but he didn't drink that much.
He was into pot smoking.
And I...
At that point in time, I was pretty much going to bars by myself
and getting drunk almost every night.
And I met him and started hanging out with him.
And, you know, I see my addictive nature, you know,
because...
Because I immediately, like, just grabbed onto him, like...
You know, I mean, we were just like...
We're inseparable, you know.
We were just like...
People used to call us the pretzels
because we would be, you know, wherever we were, you know,
we would be all, like, wrapped up, you know, in each other.
But, you know, he didn't like to go out drinking.
And so I really feel like...
I feel like...
I feel like...
I feel like...
I feel like...
I feel like...
I feel like...
I feel like...
I feel like...
I feel like...
Getting on the marijuana maintenance program
kind of saved my life for a while.
And, you know, I did that for quite a while.
I was a daily pot smoker.
And then every now and then I couldn't stand it any longer.
And I would make him take me out.
We'd go to a bar.
And I would get just blitzed out of my mind
and then, you know, make an absolute jerk of myself.
And then he'd bring me home and I'd be okay for a while.
You know, so...
You know, I guess I could say maybe I was a periodic drinker,
binge drinker, I don't know what you want to call me,
but that's kind of what I was, what I had become anyway
at that point in time.
And something else started happening with me
and started getting this eating disorder.
And I know, once again, we're not...
I'm just one of these people.
It's like my addiction is like this big giant wall of water,
you know, and I have this dam
and I'm trying to hold it off.
I'm trying to hold it off.
I'm trying to hold it off.
I'm trying to hold it off.
And, you know, I plug up the alcohol
and the drugs come out of here
and if I plug up this, something else comes out.
And it was just kind of like that with me, you know.
And so I got this eating disorder
and I ended up in Overeaters Anonymous
and that was my first 12-step program.
And so, you know, here I am there
and they have the same 12 steps.
Believe it or not, at that time, this was...
Gosh, this was in 1981.
Our textbook was the Alcoholics Anonymous textbook.
And we used to have AA speakers come and talk at our meetings.
And it was like, you know, and I'd listen
and they'd be like, well, that's not me.
I don't have that problem.
But I kind of looked at my history.
I looked at step one and I realized, you know,
that I had been pretty out of control in that department.
And I decided, okay, well,
I'm just going to use this program
to help me stop doing this stuff, you know.
And I stopped for a while.
And, you know, I was working that program
and working the steps in that program.
And a little while later, we moved.
My husband and I moved south.
We moved to Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
And he was going to go to college.
And I did go to college there.
And I just started, all these insecurities started popping up.
You know, new place, new people.
And I was just feeling so uncomfortable.
You know, new job, everything.
I started thinking, well, you know, I can just drink.
You know, maybe just when we go out on the weekends.
So I'm thinking about this, you know, idea of controlled drinking.
And I tried that.
And it wasn't long before,
I don't even know how this happened,
but you remember those, I don't know,
maybe they still sell them.
I don't know because I don't, I haven't,
I forgot to tell you what my sobriety date was.
My sobriety date is February 4th, 1994.
So I just celebrated 21 years.
But back then,
they had these big boxes of wine with a little spout in the middle.
And you could just put it in your fridge
and just turn on the spout and put your glass underneath.
Well, I went from saying,
okay, I'm only going to have a drink when I go out
to having this big thing in my fridge, you know,
and saying, how did that happen?
You know, I mean, just one day looking at it and saying,
how did that happen?
Because I was only going to be drinking on the weekends
when we go out.
And because I had already been in a 12,
I was already in a 12-step program,
I started thinking, you know,
maybe I really do have a problem with alcohol.
And I'm trying to remember the order.
But anyway, I quit again.
And then I remember I got invited to a wedding
and I got really drunk at this wedding.
And basically, that was, okay, and then I quit drinking again.
I didn't drink for three months.
And then one night I was driving around like a crazy person
feeling like I wanted to get drunk.
And I ended up looking up an AA meeting and I went to AA.
And that was in 1985.
No, 1986.
But if you do the math,
and I just told you my sobriety date was 1994,
you realize that I didn't stay sober.
But, you know, it was just kind of a series of years
of just trying to really let step one simmer down,
you know, settle down to the core of my being.
You know, they talk about we admitted to our innermost selves.
That we were powerless over alcohol.
And I think it took me a while to really admit to my innermost self
that I was powerless.
Probably the biggest thing I can remember was I had gotten sober.
I was sober for six years.
Slipped and slided for a couple years.
Got sober again in 94.
And then about three,
three or four years later,
I remember I was in a meeting
and there was this older kind of militant lady there.
And she was like really old school,
hardcore AA.
And I was kind of complaining and saying,
you know, I feel like I want to drink.
And she looked at me and she said,
will you just go and drink?
You know, I mean, she was just so tired of hearing me say that.
You know?
And she said, just go, get drunk, you know?
And, you know, I thank her for saying that.
Because I went home that day and I sat in my chair and I started thinking about it.
My husband was out of town and at that point in time, he was drinking.
And I started thinking about it and I knew there was wine in the cabinet.
And I thought, well, I guess I could.
I could go get that bottle of wine.
And I could open it up.
And for the first time ever,
the thought hit me
that it wasn't really that bottle of wine that I wanted.
You know, I mean, I did.
But I knew that if I drank that bottle of wine,
that wasn't going to do it for me.
Because what I wanted was oblivion.
I didn't want to feel.
I didn't want to face life on life's terms.
And that's kind of how I always was, you know.
I was so full of fear and so full of depression, darkness, anger.
I mean, it was just, I was just this big, negative, fearful person
that didn't want to face life and live life on life's terms, like normal people do.
You know.
It was hard.
It was painful.
And just that realization was like,
I feel like even though I had been in AA for quite a while,
that was really my, that I finally had taken step one
on that deep internal level that they talk about that we need to do.
And that was probably around 97 maybe.
And since then, I feel like I have just grown by leaps and bounds
as far as my spirituality and my, just my life.
Like I had been in a lot of darkness, a lot of depression.
Now, I have to say that the depression for me is a clinical thing,
and I do need to have some medication for that
because of that.
I do have a chemical disorder imbalance.
But I have to say that between that surrender
and between getting on the right medication,
it has really helped me with my recovery
and with looking at, you know, having a relationship with my higher power.
So I want to talk about step two.
Where are we?
Okay.
All right, we got a little time.
All right, so I'm going to go into step two,
and then we're going to talk about my higher power.
Like I said, I had pushed God out of my life.
When I came in here, it was kind of hard for me
to see God on the board
and to realize I was going to have to address that.
And I remember somebody telling me,
take what you like and leave the rest.
And that was really very helpful for me
because it made me realize,
I don't have to swallow all this whole thing in one bite.
You know, I can look at it and I can take it as it comes.
For me, I did have to get to a point
where I found a higher power that worked for me.
I'm not a practicing Catholic anymore.
I don't go to the Catholic church.
But I don't have the negative feelings
that I once had towards the Catholic Church.
Catholic Church. I was very resentful of the church and they were on my first inventory.
And it's just nice to be able to talk about the Catholic Church now and not have the feelings
that I once had, you know, about the priests and about Monsignor Calajoya who used to yell
at me when I went to confession, stuff like that. But anyway, today my higher power is
a loving God, a God who wants for me my fullest potential, a God who gives me the courage
and the strength to face life on life's terms.
To be able to just put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing, to
go to work, to be a responsible, mature human being. I couldn't do those things without
my higher power. And I found my higher power here in AA. So the two things work together
for me in a lot of ways.
Step three, making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as
I understand Him. I think, you know, in regards to alcohol and other mind and mood altering
substances and addictions, I think that, you know, I've taken that step on a day-to-day
basis.
I still struggle with, you know, some things, but for the most part, the things that are
going to kill me are turned over to my higher power and to His care. His or her, whatever.
But on a daily basis, I have to say, you know, and sometimes several times a day, thy will
be done, not mine.
Because I know, you know, what my will is.
You know, in a lot of ways, I, you know, I say I'm powerless over alcohol and I am, but
I think I'm powerless over me. I'm powerless over, over me, myself. And so every day is
a, is a battle. Well, it's not so much a battle anymore, but every day is a choice. Am I going
to do it my way or am I going to do it my higher power's way?
The higher power's way is always the better way.
Step four, my first, my first inventory was, it was kind of a blaming inventory. You know,
I did a lot of, well, you know, I wouldn't have felt this way if so-and-so hadn't have
done this to me. You know, and a lot of it was my mother and my father, mostly my mother
and the divorce.
And, you know, not having the parental guidance that I, I should have had, you know. Kids,
kids should have that, I think, you know.
And, you know, blaming the church. There was a lot of blame. And my first sponsor, I don't
know, she never really pointed that out to me and I don't know if it was really her job
to do that.
But when I came around to do another inventory, I realized that the first one had been mostly
about blame. And that really the inventory isn't, isn't so much about blame and looking
at what other people have done to me. You know, it's more about looking at, seeing myself
clearly. You know, seeing my, my assets, my liabilities.
And, you know, seeing what I can do to accentuate the, the, the assets and let go of some of
those liabilities. And of course a lot of those liabilities get let go of in steps six
and seven.
So I kind of move over there a little bit and talk about that, you know. And I think
steps six and seven to me are, they're, they're just something that I'm going to be doing
the rest of my life. You know, and it says that in the, in the 12 and 12, it says that
this is a lifetime job. And, and it is. You know, I've got a lot, got a lot of stuff,
a lot of my own stuff. I don't, I don't need to worry about anybody else's stuff because
I just need to try to keep my side of the road clean. Keep my, keep my, keep my, keep
my, keep my, those character defects that pop up and that really eat my lunch from time
to time. Those are the things that, you know, I, I have to let go of and give to my higher
power to, to, to take and, and heal or whatever, you know, whatever you think it is. I think
in a lot of ways it is a healing. It's a, a cleansing. I don't know.
But, so I'm kind of there. I won't talk a whole lot more about six and seven right now.
Eight. The first, the first step eight I did was very terrifying because, or nine, eight
and nine. Nine is when you actually make the amends. Eight is when you figure out what
those amends are that you've got to make. I was more scared of the, of the, of the,
um, financial amends. The things that I had stolen and how am I going to, how am I going
to make that right? Um, than I was of the kind of life kind of amends. Like things that
I, you know, did to my husband. You know, things, those kind of amends, you know, that
are not quite as tangible as like when you actually steal something from somebody. Um,
and it was, it's kind of interesting because it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's,
when I made those monetary amends, you know, looking back now, those were so easy compared
to the life amends. You know, the people that you hurt and, uh, you know, the people in
your life, um, that you live with on a day-to-day basis, you know. Those are the hardest amends
I think to make. Um, but, um.
I think for the most part, my relationship with my husband today is a good relationship.
We've had a lot of ups and downs, but, but today it's a pretty good relationship. And,
um, he knows when to tell, he knows when I need a meeting. He'll tell me, you know,
say, have you been, you need a meeting? And he's, he's not in, he's not in the program,
but he's, he knows a lot about the program. And he doesn't drink today, and that's, that's
real helpful.
For me, he, he just decided that it was more healthy for him not to drink, so he doesn't
drink. Um, 10, 11, and 12, those are kind of what we call the maintenance steps, you
know. Um, so I live in those steps. When I, when I make a mistake, I try to correct it.
Um, I try to stay in, in constant contact as well.
Constant, that's kind of hard. But I try to stay in contact with my higher power on
a daily basis. And, um, I've done this, uh, thing for years, this quiet time thing in
the morning. And, um, my very first sponsor taught me that. I get up in the morning and
I, um, I read something from one of the little books, you know, maybe the 24 hours a day
book or, or, uh, one of the AA books or whatever. And write in my journal.
Try to just kind of get myself oriented for the day. And I always write in my journal.
When I close my journal, I always say, thy will, thy will be done at the end. Amen. Um,
my journals are kind of written to God. I write, you know, good morning God, thank you
for this new day. And then I just kind of go on and write about what I'm doing and maybe
if something's bothering me.
Um, a, let's see, step 12, working with others. Practicing the principles in all our affairs.
Um, I am currently sponsoring three people. Um, I have a sponsor. My sponsor's here. Um,
I believe in, in sponsorship. The importance of, um, being honest with somebody else. You
know, my, this is my personal person. My point is I teach you that's really private unknown
to anyone.
Make an effort. I mean, there's Prize money, you know, 30 in, and whatever, 40 out of
a dollar qualified, um, cardboard for print. Um, these people, but the money you're going
to be making, you, you judge them. Likewise for job
changes and back injuries, whatever. It's just Warsaw It was a big deal. Uh, what I'm
talking about again this week was um, the thoughts that that person has. The way they back
up you know, what you see in and that, to make these changes the guys from five to 10 years
get together with friends for coffee for lunch I have friends outside the program too I'm
gonna talk to you about I've got about what five more minutes I'm gonna talk to you about
about hope experience strength and hope a hope I'm going to talk to you about how what
this program has done for me I was I was painfully shy when I was a young person and I think that was
why alcohol was so wonderful because it did for me what I could not do for myself and I never in
a million years would have pictured myself
my life is it is today because of many and because I found clarity of mind and and discover
really who I am and what I love and I I see it's almost been twenty years ago I I took a I was
going to back to school I got my degree got my degree in sociology but that's not where I ended
up
pursuing I I was taking an elective class I took a class in ceramics and who would have
known that 20 years later I would be a pottery teacher at a at two different art centers
I make pottery I have my own studio I you know I I just I love that feel that tangible
feel of clay that you can just mold into things and it's just it's um it's been
god I can't even tell you how how
life-saving that has been for me to find my niche you know to find the thing that really
grabs me um and um other things I've done that
I never in a million years thought I would do I was in a bluegrass band for I don't know
about five years I took up mandolin um I mean it's just it just blows my mind you know I'm
the shy person you know who could never just singing in front of people playing music in
front of people teaching talking you know
today I taught a class all day um you know it it's just you know somebody would told
me this 20 years ago I would say you are out of your mind I would never in a million years
have imagined it but I also know I I cannot forget that if it wasn't for AA and my sobriety
and my higher power I wouldn't have I would not have any of this I don't even know how
to find myself I would be alive to be honest with you so um so for me I I have to remember
I always remember where this came from this this joy that I have and any any bit of serenity
that I have where this came from and my sobriety of course um I cannot forget and the way
I remember is by continuing to be a part of this I cannot forget and the way I remember
is by continuing to be a part of this I cannot forget and the way I am I am a part of this
Continually coming to AA with 21 years of sobriety.
Some people might say, well, why do you need to go to so many of those meetings?
For me, you know, I go to about three meetings a week, and that's a good number for me.
More would be better.
You know, more is always good, but three keeps me in a really good space.
And so, you know, I go to meetings, I work with people, I have a sponsor,
and every now and then I do things like this, which I really don't like to do,
but every now and then I do them because I was asked to do it.
And I guess I think that's about all.
So thanks.
Thank you so much, Tammy.
That was incredibly good for me to hear.
Don't let her fool you.
If you guys don't work during the day, the 930 meeting here at NAVA is incredible.
It's a literature-based meeting.
And Tammy chairs the Wednesday 12 and 12 study there,
and she's an excellent teacher of that book.
So it's a really, really good meeting.
In my opinion.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
There's a lot of needs going right
People needin' what they doin' with that
While others livin' high
A big piece of the pie, so many they got it rough.
That's for me when I want it too much, ain't never enough.
I know how it is to live and die, always fearing that I'm gonna run out.
Keep the good stuff to myself, hide it from everyone else,
to save it for a rainy day.
If you wanna have it all the time, gotta give it away.
All I had, me love, kept it on the shelf.
He showed me how to love the world.
Yeah.
If I could do it myself.
If you want love all the time, give it to someone else.
I want everyone around to see.
Just how much your love means to me.
Maybe wear it on my sleeve, it'll never leave.
If I give it and just don't take it.
If you want love all the time, give it away.
Just how much your love means to me.
Just how much your save, I won't listen.
Just how much your love means to me.
If you're too good for me.
I'm turnin' on you.
My visualization's gladly white.
I'm specific and if you see no room, traveling around the world,
All the things that ruin your life for me.
I still want to shouldn't, anymore.
Just how I can believe my choice.
I'm stirrin' and seein' all you believe you have a chance.
Just how much your love means to me.
So and when I fight for it all the time, If I never wanna do it,
Give away.
You gotta be specific and if you want love all the time,
Just how much your love means to me.
I want everyone around to see.
I'm respectin', smart movein', I wanna be safe,
If you want love all the time
Give it away
If you want love all the time
Give it away
Give it away
Give it away
Give it away
Give it away
Give it away
Give it away.