I Was Sure I Was Going to Be the 1989 AA Rookie of the Year – Joe F.
About This Speaker Tape
Joe F. shares his story at the Central Orlando Group Saturday night meeting, opening with a powerful contrast between two churches — one where he stood in 1988 as a broke, barely-employable lawyer watching his second marriage-by-pregnancy collapse, and another where he married his current wife of 20 years in a moment of grace he never thought possible. A former DUI prosecutor who got arrested for DUI himself, Joe traces the progression of his disease from his first drink as a high school basketball player in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania through law school at Florida State, where he went from top of his class to barely graduating because bars kept interfering with morning classes.
Joe's drinking cost him three jobs in rapid succession, two marriages, his house (foreclosure), his car (repossessed), and ultimately led to bankruptcy. He describes the pivotal 12-step call from Joe R., a lawyer who handed him a white chip in 1984 — a seed that didn't sprout for five years. After a failed six-and-a-half-month attempt at white-knuckling sobriety that ended at an all-inclusive resort in the Bahamas, Joe kept drinking until 1989, when he found himself digging through apartment dumpsters looking for half-empty beer cans. That night he called Joe R., who said "come on over, right now" — and brought him to the Central Orlando clubhouse.
Even after getting to AA, Joe kept relapsing for nearly a year, secretly planning a bender in Aruba where he woke up in a gutter covered in vomit — his moment of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. He stayed sober after May 10, 1990, but stalled on Steps 1-3 for two years, convinced removing alcohol would fix everything. Instead, his life got worse: he contemplated jumping off a cliff at a ski resort. Choosing the Fourth Step over suicide, Joe worked through the steps with deep skepticism — and found the Ninth Step Promises coming true exactly halfway through his amends. Twenty years later, he is a partner at the same law firm that nearly fired him, married to the same woman for two decades, with a daughter in law school, marveling that the same person cannot get from where he was to where he is without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Timestamps
Full Transcript
All right. Excellent.
Hello, my name is Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the 8 p.m. Saturday open meeting of the Central Orlando Group of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Please turn cell phones off or put them in the silent mode.
This is an open...
Hello, my name is Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the 8 p.m. Saturday open meeting of the Central Orlando Group of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Please turn cell phones off or put them in the silent mode.
This is an open...
All right. Excellent.
Hello, my name is Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the 8 p.m. Saturday open meeting of the Central Orlando Group of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Please turn cell phones off or put them in the silent mode.
This is an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
We are glad you are all here, especially the newcomers and visitors.
In keeping with our singleness of purpose and our third tradition,
which states the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
Will you please help me open this meeting with a moment of silent meditation
to be used as you see fit, followed by the serenity prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other,
that they may solve their common problem and help others recover.
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other,
that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from alcoholism.
The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking.
There are no dues or fees for AA membership.
We are self-supporting through our own contributions.
AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institutions,
does not wish to be engaged in any controversy, and never endorses nor opposes any causes.
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.
And I've asked Mike to read the doctor's opinion.
Hi, my name's Mike. I'm an alcoholic.
The doctor's opinion.
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago,
that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy,
that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker.
These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all,
and once having formed the habit,
and found they cannot break it,
once having lost their self-confidence,
their reliance upon things human,
their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.
Fraud, the emotional appeal, seldom suffices.
The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight.
In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves,
if they are to recreate their lives.
If any feel that a psychiatrist directing a hospital,
or any alcoholics, we appear somewhat sentimental,
let them stand with us a while on the firing line.
See the tragedies, the despairing wives, the little children,
let the solving of these problems become a part of their daily work,
and even of their sleeping moments,
and the most cynical will not wonder that we have accepted and encouraged this movement.
We feel that after years of experience,
that we have found nothing which has contributed more to the rehabilitation of these men
than the altruistic movement now growing up among them.
Men and women,
drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.
The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious,
they cannot, after a time, differentiate the true from the false.
To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.
They are restless, irritable, and discontented,
unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort
which comes at once by taking a few drinks,
drinks which they see others taking with impunity,
after they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do,
and the phenomenon of craving develops,
they pass through the well-known stages of a spree,
emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.
This is repeated over and over,
and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change,
there is very little hope of his recovery.
On the other hand, and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand,
once a psychic change has occurred,
the very same person who seemed doomed,
who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them,
suddenly finds himself easily able to drink again.
The only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.
At this time, the chairperson should briefly qualify.
Requirements for chairing a meeting at the Central Orlando Saturday Night Speakers Meeting
are one year of continuous sobriety and attendance at a group conscience meeting.
My name is Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.
I always like getting the doctor's opinion out there.
I think that describes me very well.
I drank because I like the effect produced by alcohol.
I absolutely love drinking.
And for a brief period of time,
you know, probably just the first two, maybe three years,
it worked really well for me.
And then, you know, it turned against me,
like others that I've seen in the room.
But I had to get to that point of willingness.
And our speaker tonight is a person that I actually asked to sponsor me,
and they said no.
And they said no because I wasn't willing to do a few simple things.
But that was the person I called a year later when I was ready to do those things.
So, for that, I'd like to thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And I'd like to welcome Joe up to the podium.
I'd also like those to know that Florida State is playing right now at 8 p.m.
And Joe, Florida State fan, is missing the game to be here with all of you.
So, this might be a very short talk.
Well, hello.
I'm Joe.
I'm an alcoholic.
And happy to be here, honored to be here.
And you might get, by the way, I mean,
Florida State is, they are playing Miami, kind of a big game.
So, I was thinking maybe the talk should be, I used to drink a lot.
I came to AA.
I don't drink anymore.
Thank you.
And we'll all go home and watch the game.
But in honor of Chet P., I'll say that my sobriety date is May 10th of 1990,
which is truly a miracle, truly by the grace of God
and as a result of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I see a lot of familiar.
Some unfamiliar faces here.
I was thinking on the way here, you know, what an honor,
what a pleasure it is to sponsor guys like Joe.
I feel that I've been blessed to have a couple great sponsors.
I think AA lineage is a really important thing.
Sometimes people talk about that, but sometimes not.
But, you know, I have.
Chuck D., who spoke last week, is my current sponsor
and just a magical, wonderful guy.
He was sponsored by Bill Oakley.
And I don't know if anybody, probably some people know him, maybe not.
And, you know, to have a sponsor who has a sponsor is a really important thing.
Sometimes people talk about that here,
but I would highly encourage anybody here who doesn't have a sponsor
to consider getting one.
And to get a sponsor who has a sponsor.
Like I said, I think AA, my first sponsor was Fred M. from Boston.
Some people may remember him.
I mean, he, I still hear his head in his Boston's main accent saying,
Joe, try not to get too smart, too rich, or too good looking.
I've actually been pretty successful at not being any of those three.
But, you know, I still hear him.
And I'm so grateful.
I'm so blessed to have had that.
And then, you know, I have the chance to pass it on to guys like Joe.
And it's been such an honor and a pleasure to see him grow.
A guy who just wanted two weeks.
That's what he wanted.
He wanted if he could just stay sober for just two weeks.
And now he's got two years.
And to see him go from a guy who was very closed up and shy.
I'm going to tell this story on him.
But the first time he wanted me to sponsor him,
we went out and had lunch, which is something that I do.
And, you know, I asked him, you know, are you willing to go to any length?
And his response, no offense to his beautiful wife, was, well, I won't kill my wife.
And that's kind of the way his mind works.
And I suggested, you know, that if he wants to go to any length,
he's going to want to meet a sponsor.
And he had come to a meeting every day.
And I just saw that glazed look go over, kiss come over his eyes.
And I knew it was over.
And we left.
And that was the end of that.
And then a year later, almost to the day, but very close to a year later after him coming to,
I'd see him at Saturday meetings drunk.
And he asked me to do it again.
And I asked him the same question.
And we were at a Hooters.
We were having lunch at a Hooters.
And he was, and again, to see a guy who's,
but he was sure.
And he said, yes, I'm willing to go to any length.
And he was certain that what I was going to ask him to do was to tell the Hooters waitress that he was an alcoholic.
That he was going to have to fess up right there on the spot.
And to see him grow from that guy to this guy who's chairing speaker meetings and has, you know,
personality beyond belief.
I'm so glad.
This looks like me late at night.
There we go.
There we go.
When y'all get this old, you'll know.
That's what happens.
Right away.
I'm so grateful that I stuck around.
You know, for the new guy, for the new people, probably you have, if you're like me, and if you're lucky,
you have some desperation going.
You're going to come around just because you're desperate.
And you know that if you're not here,
on a Saturday night, you're going to be out drinking.
And if, you know, a lot of old-timers, a lot of people with a lot of years,
I mean, I've been blessed to have 20 years, you know, we've been here a while,
probably going to stick around.
But there's a lot of that in between.
And I think we lose a lot of people in the 5 to 10, 12-year range.
And I guess I just want to say I can't imagine what I would have missed if I didn't stick around.
I've gotten to meet so many neat people like Joe and see so many good things.
And I'm so grateful.
And I'd encourage you to stick around.
Because you'll never know what you miss if you're not here.
And it's been all the best things that have ever happened to me in my life,
have happened to me in and through and as a result of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I was, you know, probably like most of you, I'm a pretty smart guy, halfway educated.
Every single thing that I have learned,
I learned in life about how to live life, I learned here, not somewhere else, not in church, not in school.
I've heard the very best things that I've ever heard in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous,
the most magical, most spiritual, most life-changing things.
I've said the best stuff that I've ever said to anybody in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And, you know, you might be in for that.
And, you know, on the other hand, you know, maybe not.
But I want to, I was thinking too, the last time I was asked to speak was about a month ago.
And I'm going to start there.
And it's kind of, it's at the end of my drinking.
I'm not going to start at the beginning.
And because I had a thought as I was coming here too.
But this, I'm going to set the stage here.
This is 1988.
And what made it strange, I guess, is I was asked to speak by Steve Kay.
A good buddy of mine who comes to the noon meeting.
He said, yeah, we're speaking up at a church in Lake Mary.
And I didn't even give it a thought.
It's at noon.
And drove up there.
And it's like there's a little church behind the McDonald's.
It used to just be all by itself there off Lake Mary Boulevard.
And my head started to spin.
Because I started to think about the last time I had been in that church.
And the last time I had been at that church was in 1988.
I was getting set.
It was at the very end, the last year or two of my drinking.
My life was a mess.
I was just starting the third job that I was really close to losing.
I'd lost two jobs in two years.
I was marrying the daughter of Satan.
I didn't know it at the time.
I didn't know it at the time.
Because that's what happens when we drink.
We search out those kind of people.
And it's good.
She was pregnant for me, of course.
That was kind of my family planning manual.
Get drunk, meet somebody, have sex with them, find out they're pregnant, marry them.
I'd actually done that once already.
I had a daughter.
Oh, yeah.
And while I was married.
I was married to her.
I went through family planning cycle number two of getting drunk, meeting the daughter of Satan,
getting her pregnant while you're still married to that one.
So you have to do all that messy stuff like try and get divorced from that one.
And so that's kind of the way my life was going in 1988.
And it wasn't because I was trying to have it be that way.
I was not shooting to be a scumbag pig.
Barely employable dude who was just a jerk.
And so there I was in 1988 coming back to speak at this church for the first time.
Having all these thoughts flooding back to what it was like in 1988.
What my life was like back then.
And looking at this woman with a big belly.
And I can remember thinking, oh, this isn't good.
This is not going to work.
This is not going to work at all.
And as I was coming here, riding down on Livingston Street.
And this just hit me as I'm coming.
I passed Trinity Lutheran Church down here.
Which took me just a complete.
Because that's where I got married the last time to my current wife who I've been with for 20 years.
Some of the people in this room were at that wedding.
And they were at that wedding.
And that was six years ago.
So I was about 14 years sober.
And what a different experience.
It was like, you know, it says in the big book, it talks about we're born again.
It's like a completely different life.
I can remember standing up there at the altar.
You know, waiting.
And looking around.
And nobody's pregnant.
At least not by me.
Which is really what was important.
And church full of people.
Nice people.
And, you know, the door opens.
And this beautiful girl in a white dress coming down.
I can remember having this thought at the time.
Just thinking, this is just too good.
I see why people do this voluntarily.
This is a really neat thing.
And.
And that's the difference between Joe F.
Without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
None of that stuff at the wedding six years ago could have possibly happened.
I could not have the life that I have today without this deal.
And you people.
And the people that went before you and before me.
So I'll zip back now to a little bit towards.
The beginning.
A little bit on the beginning of the story.
I don't know about you.
I was one of those people that.
I always say that.
On the assembly line up wherever, you know, storks and God are where they're making the little people.
When they put the thing in the little thing that people get that makes them feel at ease in life.
Whatever that is.
And I know there's people that have it.
I've seen them.
The guy was some union guy.
He was on break.
And that didn't get put in me.
And from my earliest recollections, I can remember just feeling ill at ease.
Not quite like everybody else.
That sort of changed in 1973.
I was a junior in high school.
Out of the blue.
For reasons I can't understand.
I made the varsity basketball team and went from being like this nobody.
I had very little basketball talent.
But somehow I got on the team.
It was a big high school too.
So it was pretty cool to have a, you know, being a junior and being on the team was a good thing.
And all of a sudden, you know, cheerleaders talked to me.
You know, teachers said hello to me.
The principal like, you know.
And the guys on that team, the guys that I thought were the cool guys anyhow, they all drank.
And I can remember I couldn't wait.
I could not wait.
And I can remember the first time I drank, I drove.
I was on my junior Cinderella license.
We went over to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where I'm from.
And into a nasty, seedy place with a couple basketball players.
You know, they weren't allowed to drive.
But my parents, I talked them into the car.
I wrecked my dad's car.
Not really badly, but I wrecked it.
And I got, I remember we got four quarts of Miller beer and just pounded them down.
And got just wasted and puking sick.
And I could not wait.
I could not wait to do it again.
It was, it was just the magic thing.
I can remember still back in that day, like going into high school dances.
And you know, where you, I would just, I would feel like, you know, a bug on my back when I would go into those things.
And as soon as I would start drinking, I would feel good.
I could talk to the pretty girls.
I could, alcohol really was a magic elixir back in the day.
And that made me feel like I,
wanted to be able to feel.
It gave me that at ease thing that, that I didn't, I didn't have.
Ended up going to Florida State.
Might know.
Continued to drinking real heavily there.
Did very well.
I don't know how, but I did very, very, very well.
Went to law school there.
Did really well.
Did really well in my first year.
Alcohol got, it got, it took over in law school.
In my, between my first and second year, law school and everything else got in the way of drinking.
And from, from a guy who was asked to be on the, asked to be on the law review, which is a real prestigious thing.
And was, you know, making good grades in the top of the class.
I barely graduated from law school.
My last semester, I, I tried.
And this is all as a result, result of alcohol.
Because the school had this rude habit of scheduling classes in the morning.
And, you know, you know, when you've been out to the bottle club till three in the morning, you know, getting up for an eight or nine o'clock class, just, that's not going to happen.
And I, the last class, I can still remember going into Professor George.
And he'd flunked me.
And I was not going to graduate if I had an F.
And I went in.
And kind of begging him.
And he, he literally looked at me and he said, who, who are you?
I had not been at, I had been at the first day of that class and I'd never gone again.
Somehow he gave me like a D minus and I got out.
And went to work at the state attorney's office down here in Sanford.
And some, some of you may know, again, everybody there that I hung out with, judges, lawyers, we all hit happy hours.
We, it was a, you know.
The, the, the thing that we talked about, you know, we work hard, we live hard, we party hard, that kind of bullshit.
And, I mean, I was out at happy hour getting drunk all the time.
They used to, they don't do this anymore.
And, and I'm taking credit for it.
I think it's me.
They used to give us badges when you were a state attorney.
You literally had a badge like a police officer.
And I would take my driver's license and put it in there.
So, when the police would pull me over, which they did routinely back in those days.
Because I...
You know, when I was drinking, the only, the next thing that I liked to do was drive.
I, I always get a kick out of that.
You know, just say no, don't drink and drive.
Because that's a, as long as I'm not, as long as I wasn't drinking, I was completely able to not drink and drive.
The second alcohol got in my body, I wanted to get behind the wheel.
And so I got pulled over frequently.
And whenever they'd say, can I see your license, I'd whip this badge out.
And nothing ever happened.
I'd never get, you know, they'd send me home.
They'd take me home.
They all, you know, most of them, a lot of them knew me.
And they sort of, I think most of them liked me.
I was actually, for a time, the lead DUI prosecutor.
For Seminole County.
And pretty damn good at it, I have to say.
That sort of came to a screeching halt.
I think...
December 22nd of 1984.
It was near Christmas.
We'd had our office Christmas party.
I'd come in late because I was hungover.
So I worked late and missed the Christmas party.
And was feeling really sorry for myself.
And so about 4 or 5 when I left, everybody had left the office at like 2 o'clock.
You know, I deserved to party.
So I started drinking.
And there was, I think it was called the Lake Mary Inn.
There was a band up there.
And I was just wasted and just making a fool of myself.
And I kind of got into a fight with somebody in the band.
And they told me to leave.
And I was driving.
And I hit a car in the parking lot.
And of course, just, you know, you're doing what you do.
You just keep going.
And unfortunately, there was a Sanford police officer there.
And, you know, they started chasing me out.
And they pulled me over.
I mean, I was completely toasted.
And Sanford police, 3 or 4 of them, you know, they got...
The sergeant.
And what are we going to do?
And they were getting ready to let me go.
They were just the usual drill.
They were going to take me home.
It was like the last day, working day before Christmas.
And just as they were going to do that, a guy...
He's a reporter for the Orlando Sentinel.
And he has no life whatsoever.
Because what he does is he listens to the damn police band radio.
So he can hear stories.
Well, this little bastard shows...
He shows up on the...
And starts asking the cops, you know,
What are you doing?
This guy's wasted.
He hit a car back at Lake Mary.
He got thrown out.
And they realize, of course, that they now cannot let me go.
And so they have to arrest me.
So now Mr. DUI prosecutor is now Mr. DUI defendant.
Which did not go over very well at the state attorney's office.
That's not a really good way to...
For, you know, speedy advancement there at the state attorney's office.
And now that was the first...
First job in two years that I lost as a result of that DUI.
And there's still a nice editorial from the Sanford Herald somewhere.
Because they came and interviewed me.
And I actually pled guilty and told them, you know,
I was going to swear off, you know, with and without a solemn oath.
All that stuff.
And I did.
I mean, I really...
At that point, with every fiber I was...
I meant I was not going to drink anymore.
And that lasted never then.
It lasted about six and a half months.
I described...
The only way I can describe that six and a half months is...
And it's like if somebody followed you around with a blackboard
and just ran their fingernails down.
That's the way it felt to me.
Having to go around knowing everybody's watching.
Knowing everybody's watching.
I can't drink.
And it's so funny because, you know, in the big book they...
It's in...
This is in there.
But this is what happened to me.
People would come up and go,
Hey, Joe, how you doing now you're not drinking?
Oh, I feel better.
I work better.
You know?
I sleep better.
I mean, I'm, you know, healthier.
Never better.
And I can remember when I came in and I read that in the big book.
I went, oh my God, how do they know?
That's just what you do.
But that's what I was telling anybody.
And, you know, just like it says, secretly,
I would have given anything to be able to take a few drinks.
And I went with some friends.
We went to some all-inclusive shithole over in the Bahamas.
It was all paid for.
And we got over there and I lasted one night.
I didn't drink the first night.
But, you know, by the second night,
and everybody else is getting drinking and it's free.
You know, you've paid for it.
You can't not drink here.
And this is another lesson that I couldn't believe.
I could not believe this.
But after six and a half months of not a drop,
the first time out was worse than the last time out six and a half months ago.
And I got, you know, blacked out, wasted.
I couldn't believe that that didn't give you like some buffer,
like roll the clock back or, you know, something.
And, I mean, we all laugh about it.
But it was shocking to me that that was, you know,
the progressive nature of the disease.
And I didn't get any mulligans or anything.
For six and a half months of drinking didn't get me anything.
I want to rewind back a little bit to that DUI
because that was one of the great things that ever happened to me.
And I had this fellow.
He was a lawyer.
He was a lawyer.
Some people know he's up in Longwood, Joe R.
He's got a big white beard.
He looks like Santa Claus.
And one of the truly great guys in the world.
And he, I knew him.
He came and he took me out to lunch.
I thought he was going to offer me a job
because he knew I was going to lose my job.
And he, you know, he gave me this white plastic chip
and he told me that he was an alcoholic
and, you know, he had had all kinds of trouble with drinking
and he was now sober through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous
and I'm just going, you know, it's like blah, blah, blah.
Get to the job. Get to the job. Get to the job.
But he never did get to the job.
He never did offer me a job.
And much like my good friend Joe,
it was just nothing that I was interested in at the time.
I told him that, you know, I've sworn off.
Everything's fine.
So I went on and drank for another,
that was in 1984,
until 1989.
And that, you know, I went through another job.
Was married.
You heard the story of how that one ended
and got another one, got another job.
Getting ready to lose that job.
Somehow I didn't get any,
another DUI.
But the thing that I remember,
there were two events really that kind of brought,
gave me a moment, a little bit of clarity, I guess,
that I could, that I knew that I was,
that I was screwed, that I was in over my head.
One was I was in Lakeland.
I had to go do a deposition in the morning.
I never really drank in the morning.
And I couldn't care less about, you know,
with depositions where you ask people stuff
and you're trying to make points and it's important.
And I can remember being there and just could not,
all I wanted to do was end it.
I just wanted to finish it because I needed,
I wanted to, I needed, I didn't want anymore.
I needed to go find some alcohol and go get beer,
which I did.
I mean, I just asked a few questions left
and went to this dive place and got a giant thing,
a giant tall boy,
a giant tall boys of alcohol.
And that really, it really scared me that, you know,
that alcohol could have that kind of power over me.
And this wife, we were fighting.
So she was somewhere, I don't know where,
and I was home and I had been drinking
and I was out, we were living in an apartment
and I was out of alcohol and I was out of money
and I was, you know, in that,
I'm kind of drunk but not drunk enough
but I got to get more drunk.
And so I was out in the dumpsters
at the Aletheia Woods apartment where I was living.
I was in them looking for alcohol,
bottles or cans of beer that people had thrown out
that weren't completely empty.
Yeah.
And, you know, that is not exactly the picture of success
that I had pictured as a young kid, you know.
I had never dreamed that that's what I would grow up to be,
to be that, you know, to be doing that.
And I did not know what to do.
And somehow, by the grace of God,
and it was kind of late,
and I called Joe R., that lawyer,
who had come to see me five years before,
after my DUI.
And he's,
you know, he,
it was the perfect 12-step call example, by the way,
because it was kind of late.
It was 10.30,
someone was 11,
and he didn't say,
well, you know, it's late, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
You know, call me tomorrow.
He said, come on over, right now.
Come on over.
And so I did,
and we had a long talk,
and I worked downtown,
and he brought me to the old,
the little house that used to be right next to here.
And the old central clubhouse.
And that was,
that was in May of 1989.
And, you know, to,
again, you talk about AA lineage,
to be blessed to have been touched by a guy.
And when I was down in Lake Mary,
speaking at the church,
who shows up?
Who's there?
Joe R., he's there.
Still sober.
Just smile from ear to ear.
By the way, that reminds me,
don't ever give up on your 12-step calls.
You know, if somebody had asked Joe R.,
in 1987,
how that 1984 12-step call went with me,
he'd go, I never saw that shithead again.
I don't know.
I think he's still drinking.
But in 1989,
and I don't know where the thought came from.
I do not know where the thought came from,
because I hadn't seen him for a while.
But in 1989, when I was truly desperate,
just like I think when Joe was truly desperate a year later,
I mean, you know,
we make that call,
and you plant that seed,
and you never know,
when it's going to sprout.
So if you've done that,
and you're frustrated with, you know,
the people don't seem to be getting it,
don't give up.
I'm a perfect example of a guy
who seemed like a failure,
but has turned out to be an AA success.
So I got to AA,
and boy, he'd taken me to the Rebos Club
a few years before,
and the way I remember the Rebos Club
was a bunch of old guys in trench coats.
They were just covered in smoke,
and I hated it.
And that was at one meeting,
and I was never going back.
And five years later,
when he brought me to the Central Club,
and I actually went into the smoking room,
because back then,
that was the big room.
Chuck remembers all the controversy
about smoking, not smoking.
You guys have it easy here,
but everybody smoked back in those days.
And somehow, it all changed,
because they weren't a bunch of old guys
in trench coats that were, you know,
just idiots.
All of us, I just felt something.
I felt, you know, a peace and ease.
I knew that I was somewhere where I needed to be.
And it was a magical feeling coming in.
Now, I will say,
I was one of the most...
I don't want to say I was one of the most.
We all say that.
I was the most worst drunk.
But I was a very, very arrogant dude
when I came into AA.
Me and another guy, a guy named Mark C.
He was a furniture salesman,
a big shot lawyer.
And we came in at the same time,
and, uh...
This is going to sound so silly,
but it's actually true.
This is actually what I thought.
I was sure
that I was going to be
the 1989 AA Rookie of the Year.
I was certain
that I was going to...
They were going to say,
that guy, man, he is...
We should, you know,
if they want to rewrite the big book,
we should let him,
because he's just...
Man, he's got it.
And so I did.
I, um...
I was really...
I was good at most all of the program
except for the not drinking part
in that first year.
And it was truly...
It was truly...
This furniture salesman dude
who I was going to, you know,
AA under the table.
He's just trucking along, staying sober.
His life's getting better.
Things are going good.
And I just keep getting drunk,
keep getting drunk,
keep getting drunk,
keep getting drunk.
And, uh...
Every couple of months,
I'd go out of town
and I'd just get struck drunk out of town.
In May of 1990,
I had a business trip to Aruba.
And, uh...
I mean, I can remember,
they talk about, you know,
we planned the drink.
I mean, I can remember doing that.
I can remember...
You know, I wouldn't say
that I was going to do it,
because I was coming to AA meetings all the time.
But I wouldn't say,
yeah, I'm going down to Aruba
to get shit-faced.
But in my brain,
I was, you know,
scheming about all the stuff
and, you know,
we're going to be waiting for...
Nobody will ever know.
I can remember thinking that.
They'll never know.
And I can remember we went out
and, uh...
I mean, I looked...
Me and a buddy
that I was down there with
and got all dressed up,
jacket,
went to the casinos.
And again,
this is going to sound so stupid.
It is stupid.
It's embarrassing.
But it's really...
It was the mindset
of how nuts I was at the time.
But as I'm in that casino,
I mean, I was really feeling like,
you know,
Bond.
James Bond.
You know, bring me...
Bring me a martini, you know.
And I mean,
I'm thinking this is glamorous
and, you know,
I'm going to...
I'm going to ride.
I'm going to find
some Aruban princess
and we're going to fall in love.
And, I mean,
that's the shit
that would be going
through my brain.
I would always think that,
by the way,
when I was going out drinking.
I heard the lineage
I was talking about.
Chuck D,
his sponsor, Bill O.
I first heard him speak
probably in 1991 or 92.
And one of the things
that just captivated me
because I didn't think
anybody ever...
This was like a secret
that I didn't think
anybody ever knew.
Ever knew or talked about
and it was me.
He said he drank
for the golden moment.
And he said,
what that is,
is when you're going out
before you've had that first drink
or maybe right when you're first
having that first drink,
you start to think,
everything's going to be great.
I am going to meet
a girl tonight.
I am going to be charming.
People are going to...
I'm going to be the life
of the party tonight.
And, you know,
of course you'd get out
and you'd throw up on the girl
and just pass out,
maybe get arrested.
But the next...
The next time
it would still be
tonight.
Tonight.
It's going to be great.
And Bill Oakley,
I remember talking about
drinking for that golden moment.
That's how I was feeling
in Aruba.
And, you know,
real glamorous.
I can remember
there was
a sensation of
bright light.
And I can remember
like, what is that light?
And I opened my eyes
and it was the sun.
And I was
Mr. Glamorous.
I was literally
laying in a gutter
in Aruba
and I had puked
all over myself.
I had no idea where I was.
And I think that was
like the pitiful
and incomprehensible
demoralization
that was needed.
And I can remember
at that moment
for the first time ever,
for the first time ever
in my life,
the only thing I cared about
was to be sober.
I did not care about
one other thing.
Not anything else
in the world.
If my then sponsor,
had said,
well, what you need to do
is swim back from Aruba.
I'd have tried it.
I would have done it
because I was so desperate.
I'd been coming to AA
for a year
almost every day.
And I was,
I'd seen,
I saw you guys,
I saw Mark C
come in and get sober.
I saw everybody
having success
and smiles.
And I was,
I was certain
that at that moment
that this would not
work for me.
But I was willing
to do anything
at all
to make it work.
I was sure
that I was going
to die drunk,
but I was willing
to do anything
not to.
And,
I don't know,
I'm so,
you know,
that was one of those
fantastic times,
fantastic moments
that turned my life around.
I,
I,
I stayed sober
for about two years
kind of on steps
one,
two,
and three.
Kind of earnest
about doing those
and stopping.
Didn't get to four.
And I didn't do four
mostly just because
I wasn't drinking
and,
you know,
I guess I didn't need
to do it.
And another amazing
thing happened
that I could not believe
because I was truly
one of those guys
supposedly half,
supposedly smart
who thought that I was
just a guy
who drank a lot.
And if I could
stop drinking,
if I could take
the alcohol out,
everything would be great.
Because I,
I was talented,
you know,
ambitious,
everything was good.
If I could just not drink,
you know,
my natural abilities in life
would just take over
and kick ass
and I was going to be a star.
And two years into
not drinking,
being,
I was stark raving sober.
And my life was even crazier,
nuttier,
more miserable,
more crazed
than when I'd been drinking.
And I could not believe that.
I could not believe
that the problem,
the problem wasn't alcohol.
The problem,
the problem was Joe.
And Joe had some issues.
And issues that had to be addressed.
And it is funny today.
I will tell you at the time,
and I can remember where I was.
I was at Kirkwood,
I was at a ski place.
And they talk about
the jumping off point.
I was looking up
at these giant cliffs
and thinking,
if I could just get up there,
I could jump off.
And nobody,
that'd be it.
It'd be over.
And it'd be painless.
You know,
it'd be quick.
Nobody,
it'd be just over.
And that's kind of the,
the mind,
the frame of mind
that I was in at the time.
Two years
without drinking
and coming just to AA meetings.
And it was a very difficult decision.
It was a,
it was a very difficult decision
for me to go,
you know what?
I think maybe I won't kill myself.
I think I will try the fourth step.
And so that's what I did.
And I'm,
you know,
very grateful
that that was the decision
that I made.
It was not an easy decision.
I see how people
go the other way.
Because my brain at the time,
my brain at the time
was telling me,
this won't help.
You know,
that's,
you know,
my problem is this
daughter of Satan wife
and this job is going bad.
And, you know,
I have all these things.
I've got money problems.
At the end of that two years,
I was under,
under Joe Steen.
I had ruined that marriage.
That marriage was going down.
I was on the,
just the brink of losing
the third job.
I was,
I got thrown out of my house.
The house went into foreclosure.
I had my car repossessed
and then I ultimately went bankrupt.
So that's what I'm capable of
on my own.
And, you know,
I thought I had all these problems
and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous,
doing the program of Alcoholics Anonymous
did not seem like it offered anything
to me.
And, you know,
I thought I had all these problems.
And, you know,
I thought I had all these problems.
And, you know,
I thought I had all these problems.
To help the problems that I had,
I needed money.
I needed a new wife.
I needed a new car.
I needed a house that was paid for.
That's the stuff that I needed.
I didn't need to write some shit down
about, you know,
Mr. Brown.
But here's the miracle.
Here's the deal.
I did that stuff, you know.
Started writing about all the people
that I was resentful of.
And then I went and talked
to my sponsor about them.
And then I made a list
of people that I was resentful of.
Of the people that I'd harmed.
And then I went out
and tried to make amends to them.
You know, doing this stuff.
Completely convinced
it was all bullshit.
Completely convinced
that it would not help.
And the most amazing thing happened.
And I'm going to say this too
because this is a...
And I can remember where I was.
You know, in the promises it says,
in the 9-step promises,
we will be amazed
before we go halfway through.
Now, I don't know if this has worked
for anybody else,
but I was halfway through
doing my 9-step amends.
And I can remember thinking,
oh my God,
my life's getting better.
Good things are starting to happen.
The doom and gloom
somehow has gone away.
So again,
how they could write that in there,
that's exactly how it happened for me.
Halfway through,
kind of the light,
I started to see a light
at the end of the tunnel.
I started to be amazed
about the things that were going on.
I didn't lose this job that I had.
This great job, by the way.
How they...
You know, hired a guy like me,
I had no idea.
And as time went by,
you know,
one of my partners,
I mean, they came in and said,
we want to make you a partner
at this law firm.
And I was like, you know,
that's not possible.
I mean,
I'm the guy who at that firm,
while I was drinking,
they gave me this big file to do,
this big file to look at.
And I just let it sit on the floor.
I never picked it up.
It was just too intimidating.
It was just too scary.
You know, that's not a guy
who's going to go far.
But I am truly an example
of God doing for us
what we're incapable of doing for ourselves.
Because I'm not a successful guy on my own.
I'm not capable of living life successfully on my own.
But as a result of the program of AA,
I have been put in touch,
I have been plugged into a power,
that can solve my problem.
And I know that if it can happen for me,
it can happen for anybody.
I don't think that I'm at all unique.
I've seen it happen millions and millions of times.
And so now from a guy who was,
you know, that 1988 man,
whose life was just in constant chaos and turmoil,
who could not stay away from alcohol for,
but a day or two,
who was getting very close to being unemployable,
all of a sudden,
and again, I don't,
I take no credit for this.
This is not my doing.
I am a guy who's been with the same girl for 20 years.
We've been married now for six.
I've been at the same job for 25 years.
And I'm actually one of the partners at that place.
And, you know,
for as bad as all the family planning,
stuff started,
you know, we ended up having a,
I was blessed with being given
a decent, a good family life.
I was just out,
we were out on the boat today
with my oldest girl,
who's herself in law school.
And, you know,
how that stuff happened with me as their dad,
I don't know.
But, and, you know,
my life turned out
kind of the way that I,
wished and hoped it would
when I was young.
But I was not capable of making it turn out that way.
I could not do that.
I don't know, you know,
I don't know if any of you feel this way,
but from where I was
in 1988 to where I am,
it's not possible to get there.
There's no street that goes there.
You cannot get from there to,
the same person can't get from there to there.
Yet it happened.
It happened.
I work at this law firm that had,
it was like all these
very respectable, you know, guys.
It was funny when I used to live at,
you know, the end of my drinking
when I was almost,
I was living in this little apartment.
Some of these guys,
guys were living on lakes in Winter Park.
And, you know, nothing bad ever happened.
And then in the last, like, three years,
there's been like seven divorces at our firm.
Everybody's getting divorced.
And this is what's hilarious now.
I'm being,
and looked on
as like Mr. Marital Solidarity.
People,
people come to me
and want to talk about,
well, how do you do it?
Get her pregnant.
No.
So,
this has been,
my first sponsor, Fred M.,
he used to say,
he used to say all the time,
AA is the nicest thing
that ever happened to me.
And I used to think,
oh, you know,
it's not a bad thing,
but that's a little overboard.
But truly,
AA is the nicest thing
that ever has happened to me.
All of the good in my life
is as a result of this deal.
I am so eternally grateful
for the program of AA.
And I don't think I can ever give back
what's been so freely given to me.
So, thanks everybody for staying awake.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello, my name is Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the 8 p.m. Saturday open meeting of the Central Orlando Group of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Please turn cell phones off or put them in the silent mode.
This is an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
We are glad you are all here, especially the newcomers and visitors.
In keeping with our singleness of purpose and our third tradition,
which states the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
Will you please help me open this meeting with a moment of silent meditation
to be used as you see fit, followed by the serenity prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other,
that they may solve their common problem and help others recover.
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other,
that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from alcoholism.
The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking.
There are no dues or fees for AA membership.
We are self-supporting through our own contributions.
AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institutions,
does not wish to be engaged in any controversy, and never endorses nor opposes any causes.
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.
And I've asked Mike to read the doctor's opinion.
Hi, my name's Mike. I'm an alcoholic.
The doctor's opinion.
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago,
that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy,
that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker.
These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all,
and once having formed the habit,
and found they cannot break it,
once having lost their self-confidence,
their reliance upon things human,
their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.
Fraud, the emotional appeal, seldom suffices.
The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight.
In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves,
if they are to recreate their lives.
If any feel that a psychiatrist directing a hospital,
or any alcoholics, we appear somewhat sentimental,
let them stand with us a while on the firing line.
See the tragedies, the despairing wives, the little children,
let the solving of these problems become a part of their daily work,
and even of their sleeping moments,
and the most cynical will not wonder that we have accepted and encouraged this movement.
We feel that after years of experience,
that we have found nothing which has contributed more to the rehabilitation of these men
than the altruistic movement now growing up among them.
Men and women,
drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.
The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious,
they cannot, after a time, differentiate the true from the false.
To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.
They are restless, irritable, and discontented,
unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort
which comes at once by taking a few drinks,
drinks which they see others taking with impunity,
after they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do,
and the phenomenon of craving develops,
they pass through the well-known stages of a spree,
emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.
This is repeated over and over,
and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change,
there is very little hope of his recovery.
On the other hand, and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand,
once a psychic change has occurred,
the very same person who seemed doomed,
who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them,
suddenly finds himself easily able to drink again.
The only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.
At this time, the chairperson should briefly qualify.
Requirements for chairing a meeting at the Central Orlando Saturday Night Speakers Meeting
are one year of continuous sobriety and attendance at a group conscience meeting.
My name is Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.
I always like getting the doctor's opinion out there.
I think that describes me very well.
I drank because I like the effect produced by alcohol.
I absolutely love drinking.
And for a brief period of time,
you know, probably just the first two, maybe three years,
it worked really well for me.
And then, you know, it turned against me,
like others that I've seen in the room.
But I had to get to that point of willingness.
And our speaker tonight is a person that I actually asked to sponsor me,
and they said no.
And they said no because I wasn't willing to do a few simple things.
But that was the person I called a year later when I was ready to do those things.
So, for that, I'd like to thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And I'd like to welcome Joe up to the podium.
I'd also like those to know that Florida State is playing right now at 8 p.m.
And Joe, Florida State fan, is missing the game to be here with all of you.
So, this might be a very short talk.
Well, hello.
I'm Joe.
I'm an alcoholic.
And happy to be here, honored to be here.
And you might get, by the way, I mean,
Florida State is, they are playing Miami, kind of a big game.
So, I was thinking maybe the talk should be, I used to drink a lot.
I came to AA.
I don't drink anymore.
Thank you.
And we'll all go home and watch the game.
But in honor of Chet P., I'll say that my sobriety date is May 10th of 1990,
which is truly a miracle, truly by the grace of God
and as a result of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I see a lot of familiar.
Some unfamiliar faces here.
I was thinking on the way here, you know, what an honor,
what a pleasure it is to sponsor guys like Joe.
I feel that I've been blessed to have a couple great sponsors.
I think AA lineage is a really important thing.
Sometimes people talk about that, but sometimes not.
But, you know, I have.
Chuck D., who spoke last week, is my current sponsor
and just a magical, wonderful guy.
He was sponsored by Bill Oakley.
And I don't know if anybody, probably some people know him, maybe not.
And, you know, to have a sponsor who has a sponsor is a really important thing.
Sometimes people talk about that here,
but I would highly encourage anybody here who doesn't have a sponsor
to consider getting one.
And to get a sponsor who has a sponsor.
Like I said, I think AA, my first sponsor was Fred M. from Boston.
Some people may remember him.
I mean, he, I still hear his head in his Boston's main accent saying,
Joe, try not to get too smart, too rich, or too good looking.
I've actually been pretty successful at not being any of those three.
But, you know, I still hear him.
And I'm so grateful.
I'm so blessed to have had that.
And then, you know, I have the chance to pass it on to guys like Joe.
And it's been such an honor and a pleasure to see him grow.
A guy who just wanted two weeks.
That's what he wanted.
He wanted if he could just stay sober for just two weeks.
And now he's got two years.
And to see him go from a guy who was very closed up and shy.
I'm going to tell this story on him.
But the first time he wanted me to sponsor him,
we went out and had lunch, which is something that I do.
And, you know, I asked him, you know, are you willing to go to any length?
And his response, no offense to his beautiful wife, was, well, I won't kill my wife.
And that's kind of the way his mind works.
And I suggested, you know, that if he wants to go to any length,
he's going to want to meet a sponsor.
And he had come to a meeting every day.
And I just saw that glazed look go over, kiss come over his eyes.
And I knew it was over.
And we left.
And that was the end of that.
And then a year later, almost to the day, but very close to a year later after him coming to,
I'd see him at Saturday meetings drunk.
And he asked me to do it again.
And I asked him the same question.
And we were at a Hooters.
We were having lunch at a Hooters.
And he was, and again, to see a guy who's,
but he was sure.
And he said, yes, I'm willing to go to any length.
And he was certain that what I was going to ask him to do was to tell the Hooters waitress that he was an alcoholic.
That he was going to have to fess up right there on the spot.
And to see him grow from that guy to this guy who's chairing speaker meetings and has, you know,
personality beyond belief.
I'm so glad.
This looks like me late at night.
There we go.
There we go.
When y'all get this old, you'll know.
That's what happens.
Right away.
I'm so grateful that I stuck around.
You know, for the new guy, for the new people, probably you have, if you're like me, and if you're lucky,
you have some desperation going.
You're going to come around just because you're desperate.
And you know that if you're not here,
on a Saturday night, you're going to be out drinking.
And if, you know, a lot of old-timers, a lot of people with a lot of years,
I mean, I've been blessed to have 20 years, you know, we've been here a while,
probably going to stick around.
But there's a lot of that in between.
And I think we lose a lot of people in the 5 to 10, 12-year range.
And I guess I just want to say I can't imagine what I would have missed if I didn't stick around.
I've gotten to meet so many neat people like Joe and see so many good things.
And I'm so grateful.
And I'd encourage you to stick around.
Because you'll never know what you miss if you're not here.
And it's been all the best things that have ever happened to me in my life,
have happened to me in and through and as a result of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I was, you know, probably like most of you, I'm a pretty smart guy, halfway educated.
Every single thing that I have learned,
I learned in life about how to live life, I learned here, not somewhere else, not in church, not in school.
I've heard the very best things that I've ever heard in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous,
the most magical, most spiritual, most life-changing things.
I've said the best stuff that I've ever said to anybody in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And, you know, you might be in for that.
And, you know, on the other hand, you know, maybe not.
But I want to, I was thinking too, the last time I was asked to speak was about a month ago.
And I'm going to start there.
And it's kind of, it's at the end of my drinking.
I'm not going to start at the beginning.
And because I had a thought as I was coming here too.
But this, I'm going to set the stage here.
This is 1988.
And what made it strange, I guess, is I was asked to speak by Steve Kay.
A good buddy of mine who comes to the noon meeting.
He said, yeah, we're speaking up at a church in Lake Mary.
And I didn't even give it a thought.
It's at noon.
And drove up there.
And it's like there's a little church behind the McDonald's.
It used to just be all by itself there off Lake Mary Boulevard.
And my head started to spin.
Because I started to think about the last time I had been in that church.
And the last time I had been at that church was in 1988.
I was getting set.
It was at the very end, the last year or two of my drinking.
My life was a mess.
I was just starting the third job that I was really close to losing.
I'd lost two jobs in two years.
I was marrying the daughter of Satan.
I didn't know it at the time.
I didn't know it at the time.
Because that's what happens when we drink.
We search out those kind of people.
And it's good.
She was pregnant for me, of course.
That was kind of my family planning manual.
Get drunk, meet somebody, have sex with them, find out they're pregnant, marry them.
I'd actually done that once already.
I had a daughter.
Oh, yeah.
And while I was married.
I was married to her.
I went through family planning cycle number two of getting drunk, meeting the daughter of Satan,
getting her pregnant while you're still married to that one.
So you have to do all that messy stuff like try and get divorced from that one.
And so that's kind of the way my life was going in 1988.
And it wasn't because I was trying to have it be that way.
I was not shooting to be a scumbag pig.
Barely employable dude who was just a jerk.
And so there I was in 1988 coming back to speak at this church for the first time.
Having all these thoughts flooding back to what it was like in 1988.
What my life was like back then.
And looking at this woman with a big belly.
And I can remember thinking, oh, this isn't good.
This is not going to work.
This is not going to work at all.
And as I was coming here, riding down on Livingston Street.
And this just hit me as I'm coming.
I passed Trinity Lutheran Church down here.
Which took me just a complete.
Because that's where I got married the last time to my current wife who I've been with for 20 years.
Some of the people in this room were at that wedding.
And they were at that wedding.
And that was six years ago.
So I was about 14 years sober.
And what a different experience.
It was like, you know, it says in the big book, it talks about we're born again.
It's like a completely different life.
I can remember standing up there at the altar.
You know, waiting.
And looking around.
And nobody's pregnant.
At least not by me.
Which is really what was important.
And church full of people.
Nice people.
And, you know, the door opens.
And this beautiful girl in a white dress coming down.
I can remember having this thought at the time.
Just thinking, this is just too good.
I see why people do this voluntarily.
This is a really neat thing.
And.
And that's the difference between Joe F.
Without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
None of that stuff at the wedding six years ago could have possibly happened.
I could not have the life that I have today without this deal.
And you people.
And the people that went before you and before me.
So I'll zip back now to a little bit towards.
The beginning.
A little bit on the beginning of the story.
I don't know about you.
I was one of those people that.
I always say that.
On the assembly line up wherever, you know, storks and God are where they're making the little people.
When they put the thing in the little thing that people get that makes them feel at ease in life.
Whatever that is.
And I know there's people that have it.
I've seen them.
The guy was some union guy.
He was on break.
And that didn't get put in me.
And from my earliest recollections, I can remember just feeling ill at ease.
Not quite like everybody else.
That sort of changed in 1973.
I was a junior in high school.
Out of the blue.
For reasons I can't understand.
I made the varsity basketball team and went from being like this nobody.
I had very little basketball talent.
But somehow I got on the team.
It was a big high school too.
So it was pretty cool to have a, you know, being a junior and being on the team was a good thing.
And all of a sudden, you know, cheerleaders talked to me.
You know, teachers said hello to me.
The principal like, you know.
And the guys on that team, the guys that I thought were the cool guys anyhow, they all drank.
And I can remember I couldn't wait.
I could not wait.
And I can remember the first time I drank, I drove.
I was on my junior Cinderella license.
We went over to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where I'm from.
And into a nasty, seedy place with a couple basketball players.
You know, they weren't allowed to drive.
But my parents, I talked them into the car.
I wrecked my dad's car.
Not really badly, but I wrecked it.
And I got, I remember we got four quarts of Miller beer and just pounded them down.
And got just wasted and puking sick.
And I could not wait.
I could not wait to do it again.
It was, it was just the magic thing.
I can remember still back in that day, like going into high school dances.
And you know, where you, I would just, I would feel like, you know, a bug on my back when I would go into those things.
And as soon as I would start drinking, I would feel good.
I could talk to the pretty girls.
I could, alcohol really was a magic elixir back in the day.
And that made me feel like I,
wanted to be able to feel.
It gave me that at ease thing that, that I didn't, I didn't have.
Ended up going to Florida State.
Might know.
Continued to drinking real heavily there.
Did very well.
I don't know how, but I did very, very, very well.
Went to law school there.
Did really well.
Did really well in my first year.
Alcohol got, it got, it took over in law school.
In my, between my first and second year, law school and everything else got in the way of drinking.
And from, from a guy who was asked to be on the, asked to be on the law review, which is a real prestigious thing.
And was, you know, making good grades in the top of the class.
I barely graduated from law school.
My last semester, I, I tried.
And this is all as a result, result of alcohol.
Because the school had this rude habit of scheduling classes in the morning.
And, you know, you know, when you've been out to the bottle club till three in the morning, you know, getting up for an eight or nine o'clock class, just, that's not going to happen.
And I, the last class, I can still remember going into Professor George.
And he'd flunked me.
And I was not going to graduate if I had an F.
And I went in.
And kind of begging him.
And he, he literally looked at me and he said, who, who are you?
I had not been at, I had been at the first day of that class and I'd never gone again.
Somehow he gave me like a D minus and I got out.
And went to work at the state attorney's office down here in Sanford.
And some, some of you may know, again, everybody there that I hung out with, judges, lawyers, we all hit happy hours.
We, it was a, you know.
The, the, the thing that we talked about, you know, we work hard, we live hard, we party hard, that kind of bullshit.
And, I mean, I was out at happy hour getting drunk all the time.
They used to, they don't do this anymore.
And, and I'm taking credit for it.
I think it's me.
They used to give us badges when you were a state attorney.
You literally had a badge like a police officer.
And I would take my driver's license and put it in there.
So, when the police would pull me over, which they did routinely back in those days.
Because I...
You know, when I was drinking, the only, the next thing that I liked to do was drive.
I, I always get a kick out of that.
You know, just say no, don't drink and drive.
Because that's a, as long as I'm not, as long as I wasn't drinking, I was completely able to not drink and drive.
The second alcohol got in my body, I wanted to get behind the wheel.
And so I got pulled over frequently.
And whenever they'd say, can I see your license, I'd whip this badge out.
And nothing ever happened.
I'd never get, you know, they'd send me home.
They'd take me home.
They all, you know, most of them, a lot of them knew me.
And they sort of, I think most of them liked me.
I was actually, for a time, the lead DUI prosecutor.
For Seminole County.
And pretty damn good at it, I have to say.
That sort of came to a screeching halt.
I think...
December 22nd of 1984.
It was near Christmas.
We'd had our office Christmas party.
I'd come in late because I was hungover.
So I worked late and missed the Christmas party.
And was feeling really sorry for myself.
And so about 4 or 5 when I left, everybody had left the office at like 2 o'clock.
You know, I deserved to party.
So I started drinking.
And there was, I think it was called the Lake Mary Inn.
There was a band up there.
And I was just wasted and just making a fool of myself.
And I kind of got into a fight with somebody in the band.
And they told me to leave.
And I was driving.
And I hit a car in the parking lot.
And of course, just, you know, you're doing what you do.
You just keep going.
And unfortunately, there was a Sanford police officer there.
And, you know, they started chasing me out.
And they pulled me over.
I mean, I was completely toasted.
And Sanford police, 3 or 4 of them, you know, they got...
The sergeant.
And what are we going to do?
And they were getting ready to let me go.
They were just the usual drill.
They were going to take me home.
It was like the last day, working day before Christmas.
And just as they were going to do that, a guy...
He's a reporter for the Orlando Sentinel.
And he has no life whatsoever.
Because what he does is he listens to the damn police band radio.
So he can hear stories.
Well, this little bastard shows...
He shows up on the...
And starts asking the cops, you know,
What are you doing?
This guy's wasted.
He hit a car back at Lake Mary.
He got thrown out.
And they realize, of course, that they now cannot let me go.
And so they have to arrest me.
So now Mr. DUI prosecutor is now Mr. DUI defendant.
Which did not go over very well at the state attorney's office.
That's not a really good way to...
For, you know, speedy advancement there at the state attorney's office.
And now that was the first...
First job in two years that I lost as a result of that DUI.
And there's still a nice editorial from the Sanford Herald somewhere.
Because they came and interviewed me.
And I actually pled guilty and told them, you know,
I was going to swear off, you know, with and without a solemn oath.
All that stuff.
And I did.
I mean, I really...
At that point, with every fiber I was...
I meant I was not going to drink anymore.
And that lasted never then.
It lasted about six and a half months.
I described...
The only way I can describe that six and a half months is...
And it's like if somebody followed you around with a blackboard
and just ran their fingernails down.
That's the way it felt to me.
Having to go around knowing everybody's watching.
Knowing everybody's watching.
I can't drink.
And it's so funny because, you know, in the big book they...
It's in...
This is in there.
But this is what happened to me.
People would come up and go,
Hey, Joe, how you doing now you're not drinking?
Oh, I feel better.
I work better.
You know?
I sleep better.
I mean, I'm, you know, healthier.
Never better.
And I can remember when I came in and I read that in the big book.
I went, oh my God, how do they know?
That's just what you do.
But that's what I was telling anybody.
And, you know, just like it says, secretly,
I would have given anything to be able to take a few drinks.
And I went with some friends.
We went to some all-inclusive shithole over in the Bahamas.
It was all paid for.
And we got over there and I lasted one night.
I didn't drink the first night.
But, you know, by the second night,
and everybody else is getting drinking and it's free.
You know, you've paid for it.
You can't not drink here.
And this is another lesson that I couldn't believe.
I could not believe this.
But after six and a half months of not a drop,
the first time out was worse than the last time out six and a half months ago.
And I got, you know, blacked out, wasted.
I couldn't believe that that didn't give you like some buffer,
like roll the clock back or, you know, something.
And, I mean, we all laugh about it.
But it was shocking to me that that was, you know,
the progressive nature of the disease.
And I didn't get any mulligans or anything.
For six and a half months of drinking didn't get me anything.
I want to rewind back a little bit to that DUI
because that was one of the great things that ever happened to me.
And I had this fellow.
He was a lawyer.
He was a lawyer.
Some people know he's up in Longwood, Joe R.
He's got a big white beard.
He looks like Santa Claus.
And one of the truly great guys in the world.
And he, I knew him.
He came and he took me out to lunch.
I thought he was going to offer me a job
because he knew I was going to lose my job.
And he, you know, he gave me this white plastic chip
and he told me that he was an alcoholic
and, you know, he had had all kinds of trouble with drinking
and he was now sober through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous
and I'm just going, you know, it's like blah, blah, blah.
Get to the job. Get to the job. Get to the job.
But he never did get to the job.
He never did offer me a job.
And much like my good friend Joe,
it was just nothing that I was interested in at the time.
I told him that, you know, I've sworn off.
Everything's fine.
So I went on and drank for another,
that was in 1984,
until 1989.
And that, you know, I went through another job.
Was married.
You heard the story of how that one ended
and got another one, got another job.
Getting ready to lose that job.
Somehow I didn't get any,
another DUI.
But the thing that I remember,
there were two events really that kind of brought,
gave me a moment, a little bit of clarity, I guess,
that I could, that I knew that I was,
that I was screwed, that I was in over my head.
One was I was in Lakeland.
I had to go do a deposition in the morning.
I never really drank in the morning.
And I couldn't care less about, you know,
with depositions where you ask people stuff
and you're trying to make points and it's important.
And I can remember being there and just could not,
all I wanted to do was end it.
I just wanted to finish it because I needed,
I wanted to, I needed, I didn't want anymore.
I needed to go find some alcohol and go get beer,
which I did.
I mean, I just asked a few questions left
and went to this dive place and got a giant thing,
a giant tall boy,
a giant tall boys of alcohol.
And that really, it really scared me that, you know,
that alcohol could have that kind of power over me.
And this wife, we were fighting.
So she was somewhere, I don't know where,
and I was home and I had been drinking
and I was out, we were living in an apartment
and I was out of alcohol and I was out of money
and I was, you know, in that,
I'm kind of drunk but not drunk enough
but I got to get more drunk.
And so I was out in the dumpsters
at the Aletheia Woods apartment where I was living.
I was in them looking for alcohol,
bottles or cans of beer that people had thrown out
that weren't completely empty.
Yeah.
And, you know, that is not exactly the picture of success
that I had pictured as a young kid, you know.
I had never dreamed that that's what I would grow up to be,
to be that, you know, to be doing that.
And I did not know what to do.
And somehow, by the grace of God,
and it was kind of late,
and I called Joe R., that lawyer,
who had come to see me five years before,
after my DUI.
And he's,
you know, he,
it was the perfect 12-step call example, by the way,
because it was kind of late.
It was 10.30,
someone was 11,
and he didn't say,
well, you know, it's late, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
You know, call me tomorrow.
He said, come on over, right now.
Come on over.
And so I did,
and we had a long talk,
and I worked downtown,
and he brought me to the old,
the little house that used to be right next to here.
And the old central clubhouse.
And that was,
that was in May of 1989.
And, you know, to,
again, you talk about AA lineage,
to be blessed to have been touched by a guy.
And when I was down in Lake Mary,
speaking at the church,
who shows up?
Who's there?
Joe R., he's there.
Still sober.
Just smile from ear to ear.
By the way, that reminds me,
don't ever give up on your 12-step calls.
You know, if somebody had asked Joe R.,
in 1987,
how that 1984 12-step call went with me,
he'd go, I never saw that shithead again.
I don't know.
I think he's still drinking.
But in 1989,
and I don't know where the thought came from.
I do not know where the thought came from,
because I hadn't seen him for a while.
But in 1989, when I was truly desperate,
just like I think when Joe was truly desperate a year later,
I mean, you know,
we make that call,
and you plant that seed,
and you never know,
when it's going to sprout.
So if you've done that,
and you're frustrated with, you know,
the people don't seem to be getting it,
don't give up.
I'm a perfect example of a guy
who seemed like a failure,
but has turned out to be an AA success.
So I got to AA,
and boy, he'd taken me to the Rebos Club
a few years before,
and the way I remember the Rebos Club
was a bunch of old guys in trench coats.
They were just covered in smoke,
and I hated it.
And that was at one meeting,
and I was never going back.
And five years later,
when he brought me to the Central Club,
and I actually went into the smoking room,
because back then,
that was the big room.
Chuck remembers all the controversy
about smoking, not smoking.
You guys have it easy here,
but everybody smoked back in those days.
And somehow, it all changed,
because they weren't a bunch of old guys
in trench coats that were, you know,
just idiots.
All of us, I just felt something.
I felt, you know, a peace and ease.
I knew that I was somewhere where I needed to be.
And it was a magical feeling coming in.
Now, I will say,
I was one of the most...
I don't want to say I was one of the most.
We all say that.
I was the most worst drunk.
But I was a very, very arrogant dude
when I came into AA.
Me and another guy, a guy named Mark C.
He was a furniture salesman,
a big shot lawyer.
And we came in at the same time,
and, uh...
This is going to sound so silly,
but it's actually true.
This is actually what I thought.
I was sure
that I was going to be
the 1989 AA Rookie of the Year.
I was certain
that I was going to...
They were going to say,
that guy, man, he is...
We should, you know,
if they want to rewrite the big book,
we should let him,
because he's just...
Man, he's got it.
And so I did.
I, um...
I was really...
I was good at most all of the program
except for the not drinking part
in that first year.
And it was truly...
It was truly...
This furniture salesman dude
who I was going to, you know,
AA under the table.
He's just trucking along, staying sober.
His life's getting better.
Things are going good.
And I just keep getting drunk,
keep getting drunk,
keep getting drunk,
keep getting drunk.
And, uh...
Every couple of months,
I'd go out of town
and I'd just get struck drunk out of town.
In May of 1990,
I had a business trip to Aruba.
And, uh...
I mean, I can remember,
they talk about, you know,
we planned the drink.
I mean, I can remember doing that.
I can remember...
You know, I wouldn't say
that I was going to do it,
because I was coming to AA meetings all the time.
But I wouldn't say,
yeah, I'm going down to Aruba
to get shit-faced.
But in my brain,
I was, you know,
scheming about all the stuff
and, you know,
we're going to be waiting for...
Nobody will ever know.
I can remember thinking that.
They'll never know.
And I can remember we went out
and, uh...
I mean, I looked...
Me and a buddy
that I was down there with
and got all dressed up,
jacket,
went to the casinos.
And again,
this is going to sound so stupid.
It is stupid.
It's embarrassing.
But it's really...
It was the mindset
of how nuts I was at the time.
But as I'm in that casino,
I mean, I was really feeling like,
you know,
Bond.
James Bond.
You know, bring me...
Bring me a martini, you know.
And I mean,
I'm thinking this is glamorous
and, you know,
I'm going to...
I'm going to ride.
I'm going to find
some Aruban princess
and we're going to fall in love.
And, I mean,
that's the shit
that would be going
through my brain.
I would always think that,
by the way,
when I was going out drinking.
I heard the lineage
I was talking about.
Chuck D,
his sponsor, Bill O.
I first heard him speak
probably in 1991 or 92.
And one of the things
that just captivated me
because I didn't think
anybody ever...
This was like a secret
that I didn't think
anybody ever knew.
Ever knew or talked about
and it was me.
He said he drank
for the golden moment.
And he said,
what that is,
is when you're going out
before you've had that first drink
or maybe right when you're first
having that first drink,
you start to think,
everything's going to be great.
I am going to meet
a girl tonight.
I am going to be charming.
People are going to...
I'm going to be the life
of the party tonight.
And, you know,
of course you'd get out
and you'd throw up on the girl
and just pass out,
maybe get arrested.
But the next...
The next time
it would still be
tonight.
Tonight.
It's going to be great.
And Bill Oakley,
I remember talking about
drinking for that golden moment.
That's how I was feeling
in Aruba.
And, you know,
real glamorous.
I can remember
there was
a sensation of
bright light.
And I can remember
like, what is that light?
And I opened my eyes
and it was the sun.
And I was
Mr. Glamorous.
I was literally
laying in a gutter
in Aruba
and I had puked
all over myself.
I had no idea where I was.
And I think that was
like the pitiful
and incomprehensible
demoralization
that was needed.
And I can remember
at that moment
for the first time ever,
for the first time ever
in my life,
the only thing I cared about
was to be sober.
I did not care about
one other thing.
Not anything else
in the world.
If my then sponsor,
had said,
well, what you need to do
is swim back from Aruba.
I'd have tried it.
I would have done it
because I was so desperate.
I'd been coming to AA
for a year
almost every day.
And I was,
I'd seen,
I saw you guys,
I saw Mark C
come in and get sober.
I saw everybody
having success
and smiles.
And I was,
I was certain
that at that moment
that this would not
work for me.
But I was willing
to do anything
at all
to make it work.
I was sure
that I was going
to die drunk,
but I was willing
to do anything
not to.
And,
I don't know,
I'm so,
you know,
that was one of those
fantastic times,
fantastic moments
that turned my life around.
I,
I,
I stayed sober
for about two years
kind of on steps
one,
two,
and three.
Kind of earnest
about doing those
and stopping.
Didn't get to four.
And I didn't do four
mostly just because
I wasn't drinking
and,
you know,
I guess I didn't need
to do it.
And another amazing
thing happened
that I could not believe
because I was truly
one of those guys
supposedly half,
supposedly smart
who thought that I was
just a guy
who drank a lot.
And if I could
stop drinking,
if I could take
the alcohol out,
everything would be great.
Because I,
I was talented,
you know,
ambitious,
everything was good.
If I could just not drink,
you know,
my natural abilities in life
would just take over
and kick ass
and I was going to be a star.
And two years into
not drinking,
being,
I was stark raving sober.
And my life was even crazier,
nuttier,
more miserable,
more crazed
than when I'd been drinking.
And I could not believe that.
I could not believe
that the problem,
the problem wasn't alcohol.
The problem,
the problem was Joe.
And Joe had some issues.
And issues that had to be addressed.
And it is funny today.
I will tell you at the time,
and I can remember where I was.
I was at Kirkwood,
I was at a ski place.
And they talk about
the jumping off point.
I was looking up
at these giant cliffs
and thinking,
if I could just get up there,
I could jump off.
And nobody,
that'd be it.
It'd be over.
And it'd be painless.
You know,
it'd be quick.
Nobody,
it'd be just over.
And that's kind of the,
the mind,
the frame of mind
that I was in at the time.
Two years
without drinking
and coming just to AA meetings.
And it was a very difficult decision.
It was a,
it was a very difficult decision
for me to go,
you know what?
I think maybe I won't kill myself.
I think I will try the fourth step.
And so that's what I did.
And I'm,
you know,
very grateful
that that was the decision
that I made.
It was not an easy decision.
I see how people
go the other way.
Because my brain at the time,
my brain at the time
was telling me,
this won't help.
You know,
that's,
you know,
my problem is this
daughter of Satan wife
and this job is going bad.
And, you know,
I have all these things.
I've got money problems.
At the end of that two years,
I was under,
under Joe Steen.
I had ruined that marriage.
That marriage was going down.
I was on the,
just the brink of losing
the third job.
I was,
I got thrown out of my house.
The house went into foreclosure.
I had my car repossessed
and then I ultimately went bankrupt.
So that's what I'm capable of
on my own.
And, you know,
I thought I had all these problems
and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous,
doing the program of Alcoholics Anonymous
did not seem like it offered anything
to me.
And, you know,
I thought I had all these problems.
And, you know,
I thought I had all these problems.
And, you know,
I thought I had all these problems.
To help the problems that I had,
I needed money.
I needed a new wife.
I needed a new car.
I needed a house that was paid for.
That's the stuff that I needed.
I didn't need to write some shit down
about, you know,
Mr. Brown.
But here's the miracle.
Here's the deal.
I did that stuff, you know.
Started writing about all the people
that I was resentful of.
And then I went and talked
to my sponsor about them.
And then I made a list
of people that I was resentful of.
Of the people that I'd harmed.
And then I went out
and tried to make amends to them.
You know, doing this stuff.
Completely convinced
it was all bullshit.
Completely convinced
that it would not help.
And the most amazing thing happened.
And I'm going to say this too
because this is a...
And I can remember where I was.
You know, in the promises it says,
in the 9-step promises,
we will be amazed
before we go halfway through.
Now, I don't know if this has worked
for anybody else,
but I was halfway through
doing my 9-step amends.
And I can remember thinking,
oh my God,
my life's getting better.
Good things are starting to happen.
The doom and gloom
somehow has gone away.
So again,
how they could write that in there,
that's exactly how it happened for me.
Halfway through,
kind of the light,
I started to see a light
at the end of the tunnel.
I started to be amazed
about the things that were going on.
I didn't lose this job that I had.
This great job, by the way.
How they...
You know, hired a guy like me,
I had no idea.
And as time went by,
you know,
one of my partners,
I mean, they came in and said,
we want to make you a partner
at this law firm.
And I was like, you know,
that's not possible.
I mean,
I'm the guy who at that firm,
while I was drinking,
they gave me this big file to do,
this big file to look at.
And I just let it sit on the floor.
I never picked it up.
It was just too intimidating.
It was just too scary.
You know, that's not a guy
who's going to go far.
But I am truly an example
of God doing for us
what we're incapable of doing for ourselves.
Because I'm not a successful guy on my own.
I'm not capable of living life successfully on my own.
But as a result of the program of AA,
I have been put in touch,
I have been plugged into a power,
that can solve my problem.
And I know that if it can happen for me,
it can happen for anybody.
I don't think that I'm at all unique.
I've seen it happen millions and millions of times.
And so now from a guy who was,
you know, that 1988 man,
whose life was just in constant chaos and turmoil,
who could not stay away from alcohol for,
but a day or two,
who was getting very close to being unemployable,
all of a sudden,
and again, I don't,
I take no credit for this.
This is not my doing.
I am a guy who's been with the same girl for 20 years.
We've been married now for six.
I've been at the same job for 25 years.
And I'm actually one of the partners at that place.
And, you know,
for as bad as all the family planning,
stuff started,
you know, we ended up having a,
I was blessed with being given
a decent, a good family life.
I was just out,
we were out on the boat today
with my oldest girl,
who's herself in law school.
And, you know,
how that stuff happened with me as their dad,
I don't know.
But, and, you know,
my life turned out
kind of the way that I,
wished and hoped it would
when I was young.
But I was not capable of making it turn out that way.
I could not do that.
I don't know, you know,
I don't know if any of you feel this way,
but from where I was
in 1988 to where I am,
it's not possible to get there.
There's no street that goes there.
You cannot get from there to,
the same person can't get from there to there.
Yet it happened.
It happened.
I work at this law firm that had,
it was like all these
very respectable, you know, guys.
It was funny when I used to live at,
you know, the end of my drinking
when I was almost,
I was living in this little apartment.
Some of these guys,
guys were living on lakes in Winter Park.
And, you know, nothing bad ever happened.
And then in the last, like, three years,
there's been like seven divorces at our firm.
Everybody's getting divorced.
And this is what's hilarious now.
I'm being,
and looked on
as like Mr. Marital Solidarity.
People,
people come to me
and want to talk about,
well, how do you do it?
Get her pregnant.
No.
So,
this has been,
my first sponsor, Fred M.,
he used to say,
he used to say all the time,
AA is the nicest thing
that ever happened to me.
And I used to think,
oh, you know,
it's not a bad thing,
but that's a little overboard.
But truly,
AA is the nicest thing
that ever has happened to me.
All of the good in my life
is as a result of this deal.
I am so eternally grateful
for the program of AA.
And I don't think I can ever give back
what's been so freely given to me.
So, thanks everybody for staying awake.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
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