I Was Once the Thumb Sucking Cry Baby of the Aa Meeting 🤣 – Russell S.

Good evening. My name is Russell. I'm an alcoholic member of the Carl Gables Group. It's good to be here. I love being in AA. I love AA. Well, I like a lot of gatherings with people. I like fellowshipping with Alcoholics Anonymous people. I like fellowshipping with other people, and I want to get into that either now or later on. One of the things that AA has given me is the freedom to have relationships with all sorts of people. And I don't have to stay in a box called Alcoholics Anonymous as much as I love AA, and I've always been active, and I plan to be active, and I am active today, but I don't have to be in that AA coffin. AA is not a coffin to me. It's like a launching pad to be involved in a lot of people's lives. I have a lot of friends that don't have medallions in their pockets. You don't have to have a medallion in your pocket to be a friend of mine today. And I look for people that I can associate with where I can somehow constructively add something to their life, and maybe they can add something to mine. And those are the people I'm interested in hanging out with. I try to hang out with balcony people, and if you don't know what that is, you might want to get a book called Balcony People by Joyce Haber. It's an excellent book. And those are those people that stand in the balcony and that are clapping their hands for you and saying bravo, you know, we love you, instead of those basement people that were always dragging you down. Those are the kind of people that, oddly enough, alcoholics like to hang out with, you know, for some reason. You know, they... You know, I mean, oh, that gal that makes you feel like shit, I think I'll marry her. But there's a reason for that, and we're going to get into that, too, because what Bill Wilson said is that after the alcohol... And I got to tell you something. If you have an alcohol problem, AA is really not a good place for you. It really isn't. You won't stay around here anyway, because people... AA is not about alcohol problems, because most of the people... I've been to thousands, probably over 6,000 or 7,000 AA meetings in the last 25 years, and most of the people that I speak to in AA don't have an alcohol problem. They may have a little bit of an obsession. They don't have an alcohol problem. You really start going around to AA rooms when you stop having an alcohol problem. AA is for something else. And what Bill Wilson said is that after alcohol, the biggest problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependencies, or you can call it co-dependencies. We're going to talk a little bit about that. We're going to talk about people pleasing. We're going to talk about a lot of things. And I'm going to talk about my favorite subject, my second favorite subject, me. Oddly enough, I've done that. Oddly enough, I've discovered in Alcoholics Anonymous, they said selfishness, self-centeredness, that's the root of our problems. I mean, our problem is that we're selfish and self-centered and always focusing on us, so the way we're supposed to get out of that is to talk about ourselves all the time. And I don't understand how that works. I'd go to AA meetings when I was early on, and I'd talk a little bit about you, and I'd talk a little bit about you, and my sponsor would say, listen, you're selfish, you're self-centered, you've got to get out of yourself. You're not allowed to talk about other people. You've got to talk about yourself. It's one of those things. Who knows how that works? So we're going to talk a little bit about stuff. And for those of you who are expecting a first-step meeting, I don't want you to be disappointed. Look, this is going to be – anybody ever see the movie Pulp Fiction? You know how it starts at the end, goes in the middle, and everything like that? And who knows where the hell this is going to – I'm just going to talk for 12 weeks, and we'll call this a first-step meeting so we can keep track. You know what I'm talking about? My sponsor said when I used to come to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was like a resentment waiting to happen. I was just – I went to meetings to get resentments. I didn't like that one. I didn't like this one or that one. And my sponsor said, you know what? You have to lower your expectations on people. So if you came here, I'm going to expect a first-step meeting. If it isn't a first-step meeting for you and you get upset about it, well, then that's a problem you've got. You're going to need to do something about that thing. It's going to – we're going to do something here tonight. The truth is you never know what you're going to get in any meeting because what you get really depends upon you. It really doesn't much depend upon me. And I'm going to talk a little bit about that. And we are going to cover a little bit about the first step and things like that, but not because I necessarily intend to do that. It's just going to happen because it's something you need, not that I'm giving anything out. I've learned a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous, and there's a lot I have left to learn. And there's a big mystery around Alcoholics Anonymous. There is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. Apparently, I'd like to say that God has like 90% of power and I have like 10%, but apparently God has all the power. I don't have 1% or anything like that. And I just sort of show up and try to carry the message, and that's all I can do is try to carry the message. And so by trying to carry the message, what I do is I pray a lot. I pray a lot before every meeting. I have a particular prayer I say that I'll share with you one day. It comes from the Bible, which I also read and I'm very much involved in. And I just want to be honest. That's all. I just want to be honest and authentic with you. And I share about myself and my experience. That's very important. Experience is very important. What alcoholics like to do is they like to pontificate and talk about theory and what they think. I don't really care what you think. You want to know about my experience, I want to know about your experience. My sponsors say when a man with experience meets a man with the money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will have walked away with an experience. I've been an attorney for many, many years. And I can tell you, you want to be – I was in court today with a lawyer who was aggressive and was loud and was attacking and was hostile and was young. And I'm just an old guy with an experience. I'm just an old guy with a lot of experience. You know what I mean? And you can get – I'll let you guess what the outcome was. But my client was very happy. You know? Sometimes yelling and screaming and getting all scared and crazy doesn't win the day. And so I'm going to talk a little bit about some stories. I'm going to read some stuff from the big book. I'm going to talk a little bit about myself because you need to – I need to tell you a little bit about where I'm at and what's going on with me. About a year ago in West Palm Beach, there was a doctor. I since found out because an A means you meet people that know – they hear what you're talking about and they say, oh, yeah, I know that guy. You know? Everybody knows everybody who was arrested. And apparently, I think it was a urologist. I'm not sure because somebody told me that in A. Who knows? This is an alcoholic telling me. Who knows what the hell they are? And what he was doing was this. He was giving out – people had cancer. And he was giving out whatever the drugs are for chemotherapy. Anybody know what they call the drugs for chemotherapy? Chemo drugs? I don't know what they call them. What do they call them? I guess they're expensive and they're potent and you're supposed to take a certain regimen. And if you take a certain regimen over a period of time, with many cancers, you know, it can – there's a high cure rate. And apparently, what he was doing is he was watering down the drugs. Now, I assume – I remember hearing the story. It didn't go into depth, but you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that he was – he was watering down the medicine so that he could make more money. That was his motivation for doing that. But apparently, even though you're taking the drugs the way you're supposed to take the drugs, they have to be at a certain potency. So if you water down the drugs, what happens is it's like not taking the drugs at all. So you know what happened? A lot of people died that shouldn't have died because he was watering down the medicine. He was giving them watered-down medicine. And you see, here's what I don't want to do. I don't want to give you the watered-down stuff. Now, in AA, we give out the watered-down stuff, but we don't do it for money. We do it because we want to be accepted. Or because we don't want people to laugh at us. Or we don't want people to get mad at us. Because the one thing alcoholics want more than anybody else is they want people to like them. And so even though certain things might work for us and we might have certain experiences, we sort of tone down or calm down the experiences or we're always looking to see whether or not they're accepted, lest we should say something that pisses somebody off. God forbid we should say something that pisses somebody off. I don't know about you, but I got that in here. Alcoholics Anonymous because I had a heavy dose of reality. The people I remember in Alcoholics Anonymous that helped me the greatest, the people that I remember, and I've had a lot of people I've met in alcoholics, are the ones that told me the truth about myself that I didn't want to hear. And so what I'm going to do is I'm just going to be real honest with you, and I'm going to share the truth about myself, and you want to know something? Here's the good deal. You don't have to buy into any of it. It don't matter. You don't have to be like me. You don't have to do anything I'm saying just because I'm saying it worked for me, or this is me, that doesn't mean I'm telling you you've got to do this. I'm just sharing my experience. It's like a supermarket thing. If it works for you, if you like it, fine. Like a giant toolbox. That's what AA is. There's a wrench to fit every nut that walks through the door. I may be a wrench. Maybe I won't be a wrench. You know what I mean? I've got certain experiences and things that have happened to me in life. I've got a lot of opinions. I'm going to share with you my opinion. I've tried to stop sharing opinions. It doesn't work. I try to restrain myself and I escape. You know what I mean? After 25 years, after watching people go in and out, there's a lot of statistics around, and one of the statistics that apparently may be close to correct is that one-half of 1% of the people that come to Alcoholics Anonymous stay sober for more than 20 years. That's, I think, 1 in 200. I've been sober for 25 years. Now, I have a drink tonight. You understand? But I think when you run into people that are not only sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, I know I feel this about you, I know I feel this about people who are elder statesmen, and I've always felt this. I want what they have. I'm listening to what they have to say. Most alcoholics I run into want to tell me what they're going to do. They say, Okay, will you sponsor me? I say, Well, sure. She says, Let me tell you what I think we ought to do. That's just the alcoholic nature. Because if you get in there and tell people what you want to do, maybe you won't have to do something you don't want to do. Chances are, if you come to Alcoholics Anonymous, you're best thinking on your best day, got you in here, and you're probably going to have to change. Because if you don't change the direction you're walking, you're going to probably wind up where you're headed. You know what I mean? That's the way it works. Somebody once told me that the person you'll be five years from now will be greatly dependent upon the people you hang out with and the books you read. And the truth of the matter is, the books you read are really dependent upon the people you hang out with. So if you want to know what you're going to become and what's going on, what you want to do is you want to see who you're hanging out with. It's as simple as that. You can tell me from the, you know, one thing that's true in Alcoholics Anonymous, when all is said and done, there'll be a lot more said than done. You know, people talk and they sort of mean it and they say, I want to do this and I want to do that, but I watch where people's feet are. That's what, what tells me about myself and other people is where I'm hanging out, who I'm hanging out with, and what I'm doing with my life. Because what I'm doing with my life and who I'm spending time with, that's really where my heart is. That's really where my heart, that tells you where my heart is. You know, and this has a lot to do with heart. Some of you were here last week when I talked, I told a story, a true story, about a guy named Leo. And I'm not going to tell that story again, but I had a guy come up to me now, and he said to me, he says, he says, I'm like Leo. I've got ten years and I want to talk to you because I feel like Leo. And I call it having the heart of the tenth leper, and I'll explain that a little bit to you. And I'll read a few words out of the Bible, and don't worry, it's not going to hurt you, anything like that. Because most of AA came out of there anyway, you know, whether you want to hear that or not. I'll tell you a few facts about myself. I'm going to read you something from the big book. I'll read you a few things from the big book. I'm going to tell you a couple facts about myself. You know, I used to think, you know, when you're doing a meeting, especially when you start off and doing a first step meeting, that my obligation, you know, well first of all, I used to think I had actually an obligation to do something, which is a scary thing. It's if I have some sort of power to do something, My obligation is to show up, do the best I can. But I used to think my obligation is to somehow get you to the first step. That's a joke. I've been trying to figure out how to get somebody to the first step or get somebody right. I don't even know how to do that deal. But I want to read a favorite part of the big book of mine, and it's in a story called He Sold Himself Short. I think one of the best things I can do for anybody in Alcoholics Anonymous is to let them know how incredibly great it can get. Because there's a saying in the Old Testament that says, when there is no vision, the people perish. I think it would be a terrible thing in here not to have a vision, not to have a vision of where you could be in 10, 20, or 30 years. I know we do it one day at a time, but I'll tell you what. I've been to an awful lot of meetings. And I've been mentored by a lot of people. And I can't tell you how many times I've sat in the front row looking at some guy. I think I might have told you about Al Kennedy last week. Did I tell you about that? That's just one of hundreds of people that I've seen in Alcoholics Anonymous that I just sort of looked at them with amazement. I still remember. You know, it's funny. Twenty-five years later, it was like yesterday. I remember sitting in the front row at the old keynote group while Al Kennedy was doing a step series. I didn't know Al Kennedy from anything. I had met him the first time that night. I was sitting there in the front row, and he started talking about some step. I don't even know what step it was. I was just sitting there in amazement. He was talking about his life. He was talking about himself. You know, one thing I didn't know much about is I didn't know I was 31 years old. I didn't know too much about being a man. I had been trying to fake that deal for a long time. It's important to be a man if you're a man. I don't know how to explain that other than what I just said. So I'm not going to. Unless you've been there, you wouldn't understand anyway. So it doesn't matter. But men have a. I've spent a great deal of time trying to figure out how to be men. And being a man is important. A lot of men think part about being a man is about getting laid. And I spent an awful lot of time trying to do that deal or having a girlfriend or not having a girlfriend. If you have a girlfriend or you have a deal, then you're a man. If you don't, there's something wrong with you. I mean, there's a lot of stuff having to do with being a man, what a man is. And I never quite understood that deal, just like I never quite understood what love was until maybe 10 or 15 years after being in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I thought that was a whole deal. And I got all mixed up with the love thing. And so things like being, you know, basic things like being a. Yeah, they think it's sort of like learning elementary school or something. I don't know where you learn that stuff. I guess you probably I guess the closest you'd find out about love and about being a man would probably be from your parents. And that was pretty much pretty much screwed up on my deal because my mother was an alcoholic and they got divorced. So. And I'm not blaming anything on my mother or my father or anything like that, but I didn't really have the greatest role models. And I'm not even sure that's the deal, because I know there are people in Alcoholics Anonymous who are alcoholics, kind of screwed up in the area and they came from wonderful families. So, you know, maybe that's they just didn't perceive or didn't get that deal. There was some sort of I don't know. All I know is I was confused. And and I think I hung around with a lot of guys that were also confused. And, you know, it's sort of like one of these things. There's a great there's a there's a great line in a movie called Leap of Faith. I don't know if anybody's ever seen Leap of Faith. And it's about a guy who's like an evangelist, but like a phony evangelist, Steve Martin. And and he's like phony baloney. And he puts up a pretty good show and he does pretty good evangelist act and like an Elmer Gantry thing. And one night he he does something. And and a kid who's a cripple, you know, he says, walk. And the kid starts walking. And I'm not going to go through the whole story. But at the end, there's a little there's a he's talking to the kid. And and he says, he says, kid. He says, you've got you're the one thing that I watch out for. And he's and he says, you're the one thing he says. What he says, you're the real McCoy. You're the authentic article. And, you know, when you you know, you can bullshit around all your life. If you're an alcoholic, you can phony around. But I'll tell you something. There ain't no denying the authentic article. You know, when you run into the real deal. And Al Kennedy was a real deal for me. I never hung around the guy like, OK, it's funny. He was an alcoholic. It's funny. You see these guys here. You know, you. You sort of identify with the first part of their story and you understand that they're alcoholics and you believe they're alcoholics because you understand the first part of their stories, which is kind of good because they're not scary to you. But as they're talking, you realize that you have about as much as common with them as the as a house cat. You know what I mean? That they have just sort of gone somewhere with their life that you haven't even touched yet. There's like something going on with these guys that you're not around. And I'd sit there and I'd watch this Al Kennedy and he had some sort of. I don't know. It was like he wasn't he would talk unabashedly about himself. He wasn't worried about like he wasn't worried about what people thought about him. He wasn't nervous. He wasn't he was strong, but he wasn't like arrogant. And, you know, he was kind and loving, but he wasn't weak. You know, I mean, there was he was just he was I didn't know much what about a man was by probably I thought that whatever a man is, it's probably pretty close to Al Kennedy. You know, and it was like I was seeing one for the first time. You know, I had been in a lot of bars talking a lot of people. It was like all of a sudden here was an Amy mean I was looking at a man and I and here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, how the hell did you get there? How do I get from here to there? And then at the end of the meeting, I turned to my sponsor. You know, remember, I'm battling the booze. You know, I'm just getting off the obsession. I thought this was I thought this was about drinking. I thought a was about drinking. Go figure. Alcoholics Anonymous. I think the hints in the name, you know. I figure it's about alcohol. I'm sitting here. All of a sudden I'm watching this guy. He's a man and I'm figuring out how do I get there? I see a vision. Now, I know I could never be like him, but I thought maybe what if maybe it's possible. What if that could happen to me, you know, in a week, you know, just over like 20 years, you know, I did a lot of that stuff, you know, trying to figure out how to get 20 years sobriety in 20 days. You know, I mean, that's that's a pisser, you know, when you're an alcoholic, you know, you know, it takes about 20. 25 years sobriety, you got 25 years sobriety. Do you know that? It's true. It's true. You know, I discovered something in my eighth year of sobriety. You discover all sorts of things. It's all sorts of things. Yeah, I'm going to teach you here. Like, did you know that if you spend more money than you make, you go into something called debt? I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I said, why am I always behind the eight ball? Why am I always in debt? Apparently, if you spend more money than you make, you go into something called debt. I learned that in eight years. And after 20 years, I sort of started stopping that, you know. So then Al Kennedy left. And I turned to my sponsor and I said, I said, man, he was incredible. And my sponsor said, he said, you know, he's dying of cancer. And I know I told you about this last week, but it's worth repeating, especially with what I'm and I said, no, I'm talking about the guy who was like, you didn't see. I thought he didn't hear it. I said, no, I'm talking about the guy who did the step. And he says, yeah, he's dying of cancer. I said, I'm talking about the guy who did the step just now. He didn't say anything about cancer. He didn't look like he was. He said, I said, he said, Russell, he's dying of cancer. I said, no. He said, he's dying. Okay. Three months later, he was dead. Man, I'll tell you, you take a guy like me, who's a, who's a thumb sucking cry baby. He goes, you know, after you come to Alcoholics Anonymous, you put up down the booze, you move, you joined the second fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous, thumb sucking cry babies. And so I was a thumb sucking, I was a member of the club, thumb sucking cry baby. Anything that could go wrong, might go wrong, is wrong, all that sort of stuff. You know, that was my deal. You know, and here's some guy. He's dying of cancer. He's not even talking about it. He doesn't even, he's not even looking like he's dying or acting like he's dying or saying anything. And man, I'll tell you something. You didn't have to say much to me. I knew that there was, there was something going on in here. There was something available here. I knew he had, like I said about the minus, I knew he had hit the mother low. I knew that there was something going on here that they were handing out that was more than just not drinking. And I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything else in the world. I wanted that deal. I chased that deal. You know, I would go anywhere. He or people like him would be. That's where I would go. That's where I would go. And that's what I really want to talk about. I want to talk about the desire. I want to talk about the vision. You know, because I guess if you don't have a vision as to where this could take you, I guess you're just doing time in Alcoholics Anonymous. If what Alcoholics Anonymous is to you is a group of rules and principles and if you do this, this, this, like a formula. I do 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. I just keep on doing this. Keep on doing this. And I keep on going to meetings and I'll stay sober. If that's all it is, a formula to you and you just keep on doing it over and over and over and over again, I guess it's sort of like doing jail time. Because somewhere along the line, doing this formula, you know, what if you slip up once? What if you don't do it forever? And that's maybe why there's only one half of 1%. It's tough doing the same thing over and over again sort of perfectly and never missing a beat. You know, thinking it's some sort of formula. Maybe that's why there's one half of 1%. Because that's what a lot of people think this is. It's a formula. You can stay sober for a long time on a formula. Just keep on doing it. But you know something? After a while, staying sober on a formula is boring. It's boring. There's got to be something more than a formula. There's got to be something more than a formula. This latest part of my life had it so bad. This part of my life has had a purpose, not in the great things accomplished, but in daily living. Courage to face each day has replaced the fears and uncertainties of earlier years. Acceptance of things as they are has replaced the old impatience chomping at the bit to conquer the world. I have stopped tilting at windmills and instead have tried to accomplish the little daily tasks, unimportant in themselves, but tasks that are an integral part of living fully. Where derision, contempt, and pity were once shown me, I now enjoy the respect of many people. Where once I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fair-weather friends, I now enjoy the respect of many people. Where once I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fair-weather friends, I now enjoy the respect of many people. I now have a host of friends who accept me for what I am, and over my eight years I have made many real, honest, sincere friendships that I shall always cherish. I'm rated as a modestly successful man. My stock of material goods isn't great, but I have a fortune in friendships, courage, self-assurance, and an honest appraisal of my own abilities. Above all, I have gained the greatest thing, the greatest thing accorded to any man, the love and understanding of a gracious God who has lifted me from an alcoholic scrap heap to a position of trust. Where I have been able to reap the rich rewards that come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as I can. I had a guy once come up to me out of the car room, I don't know whether I told this group or another group afterwards, and he says, you know, I like you, but he says, you know what they say about you? He says that you talk too much about God. You know, he didn't realize, I think he thought he was sort of like putting me down or telling me something bad about myself that he couldn't have given me a better compliment. You know, I mean, would that be something to be known as the guy who talked a lot about God? You know, that's what they say in Alcoholics and Alcoholics. Don't talk too much about God. You know, they say that about alcoholics and alcoholics. It's an interesting thing. It's an interesting thought that the one thing that saves us in here, the only thing the book talks about, the only thing that really the book is about, they don't really want you talking about. No wonder most of us don't make it, you know? No wonder most of us don't make it when you got all these doctors handing down the water down chemotherapy. And we comply. We comply because we don't, we want people to like us. We comply with that stuff, you know? But he did no ranting. In a matter of fact way, he told how two men had appeared in court persuading the judge to suspend his commitment. They had told of a simple religious idea and a practical program of action. That was two months ago and the result was self-evident. It worked. He had come to pass this long debate. This was Evie Thatcher. Later on in the chapter, where is it? There is a solution. It says the following. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. I mean, you know, before every meeting, don't they read that thing? What do they say? They say, if you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. Don't they say that? What do they read? Where is that thing? I want to skip this for a second. I want to go straight to the, let's go straight to the jugular. How's that? You guys are probably ready. Let's see what they read. Didn't they read how it works here? They read how it works? Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. How many times have you heard that? Rarely have we seen a person who has thoroughly followed our path. How many times do you think you've heard that? Thousands? Hundreds? How many people in here would like to thoroughly follow their path? Raise your hand. You can raise your hand. How many people would like to thoroughly follow the path of the founders? You would? You would? No, you wouldn't. That's a lie. That's a lie. Maybe not for some of you. That's a lie. You don't even know what you're talking about. You think you know what you're talking about. Let me tell you something about the founders. How many of you people have read this big book? Listen, when they wrote that, when they wrote that in 1939, A started in 1935, right? This book was published in 1939, right? Right? What's the difference between 1935 and 1939? Four years. When they wrote the statement, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. The one thing we know they weren't doing was what? Reading the big book. You see, what I can prove mathematically that they weren't doing, whatever their path was, is they absolutely were not reading this book. They were reading what? The Bible. For four years. You start talking about the Bible in an A group, see what happens. You guys don't want to follow their path. You want to talk about acceptance as the answer to all my problems? No, it isn't. No, it isn't. We'd have a thin book. Sometimes courage is the answer. Sometimes faith is the answer. Acceptance is a good thing. There's a lot of answers. We want to talk about nice little pleasantries. We don't want to read certain parts of the big book and not read other parts. We don't want to read the parts of the big book that say most of us belong to religious organizations. And we encourage people to do that, but you don't have to. You don't want to read that stuff. That's like controversial. There's a lot of stuff in the big book people don't want to hear about and don't want to read about in the family afterward. They don't want to study the history of AA. They don't want to talk about the Oxford group. They don't want to see where any of this stuff comes from. They don't want to talk about what the big book is really about. It's about developing a relationship. It's about introducing yourself to the concept of a deity, of God, of your understanding. They don't want to talk about that. They don't want to talk about what this book is really about, and that is about a relationship. Like a relationship with a best friend. If you have a best friend that you love and you care about and you'll always love it. It's your best friend. It's your best buddy. When you really love somebody, when you love somebody, let me ask you, when you love somebody, don't you always want to be with them? When you love somebody, aren't you always thinking about them? at them. You know, when they're there, you're happy. When they're not there, you're not happy. When they're not there, what are you doing? You're thinking about them. You're thinking about what they're doing. You're thinking about where they are. When you're in a situation, you say, gee, I wish they were here. When they're not here, you want to call them up. You can't wait to call them up. That's your best friend. You know something? You don't leave your best friends. You don't forget about your best friend. It's not like you say, where were you with your best friend? Oh, I stopped going to those meetings. You don't stop going to those meetings if your best friend is there. you're always hanging around with your best you know you may stop doing the fourth step you may stop doing the sixth step you may stop doing the tenth step but you don't if you have a best friend if you have a relationship with somebody that never stops that goes on until the day you die see many people learn how to do a fourth step and a fifth step and a ninth step and ten all this horse shit and you know some they never develop the relationship which is what this book is all about they never develop what the steps are all about the steps are tools the steps aren't the house the steps are the things that the tools that build the house the house is the relationship with god you know most people you have people in here that worship the fourth step they think their problem after the 18 000th slip and the 15th treatment center is i need to do another fourth step they really think that's the problem like another fourth step will solve the problem but they didn't do the the fourth step of the fifth step right and the problem is they never understand the problem they never understand the problem they never understand the problem they never understand the problem they never understand the problem they never understand the problem understood what this whole program was about in the first place we have found much of heaven we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence which which we had not even dreamed the great fact the great fact is just this and nothing less i've always said they ought to take the next part out and you know you you ought to have to pay money to learn what the great fact is most people don't know what it is anyway that we have had a deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life towards our fellows and towards god's universe the central fact of our lives today the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives which is indeed miraculous our creator well i guess it could be a doorknob if you think you were created by a doorknob i guess it could be good orderly direction if you think you were created by good orderly direction it can be anything you want to water it down to make it work make you feel comfortable so you don't have to travel the whole distance and you can just do it half measures and halfway you can make this fit any philosophy you want to fit it you know you can make it fit good orderly direction and i'm not putting it down i know there's people that do that and say he's putting that down hey listen don't don't get mad at me get mad at the big book we're in chapter the agnostics it says it says if a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life was enough then we get sober but that sort of thing didn't work for us what is good orderly direction than a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life you know the only the problem with me in good orderly direction i do it good for a long for for a bunch of times but i just could never quite give the money back you know i mean i always somehow screwed it up some i was never good at always doing good orderly direction because the day would come where i'd be too tired or to this or to that or to something or scared and i would just tell somebody to f off or i would do something crazy and next thing you know i'd be drinking i just never if i could do good orderly direction i wouldn't be an alcoholic synonymous i wouldn't be drinking i wouldn't have stayed out all night i'm just because good orderly direction requires willpower and i'm not real good in the willpower deal never have been i'm just not a perfect person in a perfect world i'm a screwed up person in a screwed up world and left to my own devices i'm going to screw up and i've never quite been able to play by the rules like it's like that's like the doctor you know thinking i mean not the doctor the guy who put himself under dr young and hazard what he said what was his idea this is the one old idea that's going to kill all of us that's like my what he says he says he was convinced after a year underneath the best doctor that now knowing all the intricacies of his mind the the jolts of the intricacy of his mind that thinking was unimpossible nevertheless when in a few weeks he was drunk he took he went home he went through paris and he was drunk went back to the doctors this is going to he says how many of us think that now that i know so much in a i'll study a i'll do another i'll do i know all this stuff in alcoholics anonymous i'll get real smart and for sure i'll never drink again one half of one percent stay sober over 25 years it has nothing to do with knowledge has nothing to do with that the central factor of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives which today which is a way which is indeed miraculous he has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could not do for ourselves later on i'm going to skip down over to here when we sincerely took such a position all sorts of remarkable things followed what position the position of turn our will our lives over to god we had a new employer being all powerful being all powerful being all powerful he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves our little plans and designs more and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life as we felt new power flow in as we enjoyed peace of mind as we discovered we could face life successfully as we became conscious of his presence of his presence how do you i don't know how you water this stuff down to make believe it doesn't say what it says you know we're all alcoholics so we all want to do whatever the hell we want to do we want to do it our way i don't know how you water down these words to make it look like something that you'd like to accept it'll get you a certain way it'll get you it'll get you a distance it might get you five years or 10 years might get you 15 years of miserable sobriety or maybe even sort of happy with it but it's not going to be sobriety one half of one percent make over 25 years as we became conscious of his presence we began to lose our fear of today tomorrow and the day after we were reborn going up here to working with others some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth job or no job wife or no wife we simply do not stop drinking as long as we place dependence upon others ahead of dependence upon god burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless regardless of the condition the only condition that is that he trusts god and clean house let no alcoholics say he cannot recover unless he has his family back that just isn't so in some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people it is dependent upon his relationship with god where did it happen in alcoholics anonymous that it became pc to talk or or un-pc or whatever it is to talk about god when did that happen when did they take the book of alcoholics anonymous and the program out of the fellowship when did people start getting embarrassed to talk about god when did that happen i don't know maybe it's always been like that envision for you still you may say but i will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book we cannot be sure god will determine that so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon him he will show you how to create the fellowship you crave did you know you crave fellowship and he's going to show you how to create that fellow you crave fellowship you know how i know that i know that because i know a little bit about myself because of alcoholics anonymous i know about this book and i believe this book our book is meant to be and you know something you crave fellowship you know what that means that means you crave fellowship you know what that means that means you're going to find fellowship it's either going to be fellowship with people like me or fellowship with other people there are a lot of other people on this plan you walk outside there's people driving on the road a lot of other people you can fellowship with and who you're going to be five years ago are going to be dependent upon the people you hang out with and you crave fellowship more than you crave alcohol a lot of you guys drank because you crave fellowship and you will fellowship you will not sit alone you will find your fellowship and your fellow you will become your fellowship and you're either going to be fellowshipping with believers or you'll be fellowshipping with other people there's a lot of other people out there that are focusing on other things besides the stuff they're talking about in this book and you'll fellowship with these people thinking you're doing a good thing because they look good and they smell book good and the world praises them and you won't even know where the hell you're going you'll just wind up five years down the road saying how the hell did i get here feeling so empty because you crave fellowship our book is meant to be suggestive only we realize we know only a little god will constantly disclose more to you ask him in your morning meditation what you can do for each day for the man who's still sick the answer will come if your own house in order but obviously you cannot transcend something you haven't got see to it that your relationship with him is right not see to it that you do the fourth step and i'm not putting down the steps this is a step series but the steps are meant to get you there that's what the steps are meant to get to have a relationship with god and to continue to improve that relationship with god see to it that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others this is the great fact of this book this is what this is all about if you understand if you keep your eye on what the book is really all about you will never lose your place you know when you're at three o'clock in the morning the walls are closing in and therefore closing on your house and you see no money coming inside you have no way or you've got cancer or stuff is happening you go ahead and try to grab a fourth step and see how that works out for you you try to grab that fourth step you know or the tenth step you know man at that time of night and everything the only thing that's going to put you to sleep is some sort of relationship with god of your understanding it's going to be faith that's what's going to do it so here's the deal my wife tells me my first wife a little bit a little fact deal here uh i'm a well i'm originally from new york and uh brought up in a family up in new york jewish kid bar mitzvah and all that sort of stuff came in only say that just to show you what alcoholics and i'll do for you now i'm a deacon in a presbyterian church you don't have to be a deacon in a presbyterian church to stay sober you know but you got to watch out don't don't you dare say i'll never be that you have no idea what this thing's going to take you once god gets a hold of you you know been married to a same gal for 25 years i love her great i love her you know the first 20 years was kind of rough um still rough to us i'm i've got four children three grandchildren granddaughters they're they're gorgeous i love them and uh i couldn't have relationship with anybody for 25 minutes self-supporting through my own contributions here's the deal one day i walked down um and my first wife so who was a lovely gal really nice gal great gal says to me he says you come home drunk one more time i'm leaving you uh and she could have said a lot of things but i wouldn't have understood that deal so i get in my car i was pretty smart guy and uh i'm not gonna explain to you how smart i was and but i was smart and i was 31 years old i drive my car down the street and i get to the first red light and i go wonder what she meant by that you know and uh so i stopped in the bar for one drink you know that night at 4 30 and uh and tell my friends i can only have one drink because i got to leave and they tell me how much you know i'm a great guy she'll never leave me and i say no i can only stay for one drink zap that down in 30 seconds next thing i know i had time for another drink four o'clock in the morning they're bringing me home that was the end of a five-year marriage that was the end of a five-year marriage kicked out of my house left my kid and everything i've lost that now here's the scary part about that deal this could be your first step deal if you want to do that but that's not really the first step deal because the first step deal is coming up so here's the scary deal about that it wasn't until five years later that i realized for the first time that my divorce had something to do with alcohol if you had asked me when i was hitting the bricks why were you getting divorced i wouldn't have said it had anything to do with who's i said she didn't understand me we were different people she was trying to crash me and believed it this is not about lying this is not about lying this is about acting on the most important things in your life and believing it in your heart and not having a clue as to what's really going on this is about running blind and living life on emotions and urges and cravings that you don't even understand and you end up doing stuff and hanging out with people that you shouldn't be with and it seems so right and your brain mathematically tells you that you're not going to be with them and you're not going to be with them and you're not going to be with them and you're not going to be with them you your actions are correct and it's the worst possible thing you can do and you don't have a clue where 20 years later you look back and say why the hell did i do that this is about being insane this is about being insane this is about alcohol taking you to the point all the way down where it gets so bad that you have that instant all of a sudden aha and you say and you look at yourself mirror and say who the hell am i kidding and i don't know how to and i can't get anybody there i can't get you there i can't do you see i can't do that deal i can do a lot of stuff i can't do that deal and so i got down on my knees one night when i was 31 years old when i was and i and uh uh there's a long story about that i'm not gonna go the whole thing and i i um ask god to help me you know actually what i was doing is i was watching it was three o'clock in the morning i was watching religious program one of these evangelists and you know you're in bad shape when it's three o'clock in the morning and you're a jewish kid from new york and you see an evangelist was poor it was a guy named James Roberson. I wrote him a letter the other day, and he said, hey, listen, you're having problems except Jesus in your life, and I got down on my knees. I accept Jesus in my life because, you know, when you get to the point, it don't even matter anymore, and nothing crazy happened, you know. I mean, it's not like five guys said, hey, there's an AA meeting down the street. Let's go. You know, nothing happened. I just fell asleep, and, you know, I continued to drink, and three weeks later, I was in a bad car accident. I almost died, and I looked up. I said, God help me, and I had a spiritual experience. I'm not going to go into what that was. I had it. Some of us have it. Some of us don't. I had a spiritual experience. I felt like I was touched with something. Some guy comes up to me. He looks at me. He says, and I look at him. This is my first step. You ready for my first step? My first step goes somewhere. I didn't say, I don't know about you. I didn't say, I'm powerless over alcohol. My life is manageable. I just, those words never came out of my mouth. Here's my first step. I looked at a guy. I said, I need help. I can't stop drinking. Good enough for me. Worked for me. He said, I need help. I need help. I need help. I can't stop drinking. Now, here's the deal. Here's the thing I want to talk about in the last couple of minutes, and we're going to elucidate a little bit more on this, and this is going to be maybe a running theme, and I don't, I can't, well, I'm just going to say what the deal is. From the get-go, probably from the get-go, maybe not. It was so far before. I really can't remember, you know, I remember certain things, but pretty much, as long as I can remember, I can remember certain things. I can remember certain things, but pretty much, as long as I can remember, I can remember certain things. I can remember certain things. I wanted sobriety and what sobriety is and what sobriety is about more than anything in my entire life, more than anything. I've gotten lost in the weeds. I've gotten distracted, you know, like Bill Wilson says, worldly clamors and everything like that. I've never been perfect. I've always had that struggle, you know, God and mam and everything, but pretty much consistently throughout the whole thing. You know, the big book says, I think it's the 12 and 12, it says, unless an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobriety will be precarious. A real happiness will know none at all. And from early on, I looked at guys like Al Kennedy. I looked at this thing, and I wanted this thing more than anything. I can't explain it. You know, there's a great part in the Bible, and this, I call it the heart of the 10th leper, and it describes alcoholics and people who make it, and people, my sponsor told me a long time ago, many are called, but few are chosen. I always understand that many are called, but few are chosen. I always understand that many are called, because I'll refer to it throughout this deal, and I don't know how to get people like this, and the alleged story, whether you believe it or not, it doesn't matter, because it has to do with that Jesus went into a town, he was doing miracles, healings, everything, and there were 10 lepers, and lepers were people like us. They were ostracized by the community, it was chronic, it was progressive, and they were crying, please help us, please help us, and Jesus did what Jesus did those days, and they were healed. They were healed. Said, go show yourself to the rabbis, because that's what you did when you were healed, to be certified, healed, and they all ran off, you know, to do what they were doing, except for one guy, one guy, and he's called the 10th leper, and one guy, he noticed that he came back, and he just got down on his hands and knees and said, thank you, Lord, thank you, Lord, just thanking God, and here's the line. The line is that Jesus says to the guy, he says, he says, but we're not 10 healed, yet only one returns to give glory to God. I always want to be the one that returns. I want to have the heart of the 10th. Now, the other guys were following instructions. They weren't doing anything, bad. They're, hey, hey, I'm healed. I think I'll go back to the ball game. I think I'll go back to my family. I think I'll go back to business as usual, and I've seen that happen in AA. People get, you know, you know what AA does? Everybody gets healed in AA. People come to AA because they can't stop drinking. Everybody stops drinking. Did you know that? I've never seen anybody come to AA that doesn't stop drinking. I've never seen it. There may be one or two, maybe wet brains. I have never seen anybody that comes here to stop drinking that doesn't stop drinking. They stop drinking, right, for a week, for a month. For a year, for five years, for 10 years, they stop drinking, and then it's off to the rabbi, off to the this, off to the that, you know? Only very few have the heart of the 10th leper. I don't know what the heart of the 10th leper means to you. I'll tell you what it means to me. It means when I was six months sober, and I was going out to yet another meeting. I went to a lot of them, and my wife said, she says, I can't believe you're going to another meeting again. You know, if you go out that door, I'm leaving you. It means, and I don't even know where this came from, because I only had six months. I turned to my wife, and I said, you know, I'm going to another meeting, and I walked out the door. I don't know what heart of the 10th leper means to you, but it means that one day I was at work, and I was supposed to chair a meeting at 530. My boss said, I need this done, and I said, I can't do it. I have to go to a meeting. He says, I don't know how I can keep you. How do you expect me to keep you if I need this thing done? You can't do it. You got to go to a meeting. I said, well, maybe you ought to fire me, but I'm going to the meeting. Now, I'm not saying I've always been perfect on that, but I can tell you that all along my career, my life career, I've been put in positions where I could go this way, or I could go that way, and I've always put this, maybe not all, but I've consistently put this thing number one. I want this thing more than anything. This thing is so important to me, and I don't know how you do that. I don't know how you, I don't know how to do that. You know, I could get up here, and I could tell you about the steps, and I can tell you about what I did, and I can tell you about my life, and I can tell you about a bunch of things, but I can't give you that. If I could give you, if I could give somebody that, I'd give it to my daughter. I'd give it to some guys I sponsored. I can't give you Leo, the heart of Leo, who gets up at 3.30 in the morning and walks six miles to be at my house because he doesn't want to miss me because he wants to be taking that Bible. I can't give you that deal where you will do anything to get that gift, to get that relationship, where the relationship means more than anything. I want to read something to you, you know, and I really don't do this. I haven't done this at meetings, but I, this is one of my favorite quotes. You know, this is all about what? Seeking God, isn't it? It says, what does it say? The three things? What's the three things at the end of the step? It says, the last thing we read, and then I'm going to close with this, but I want to read you something. It's sort of neat, a neat thing. It's the last thing we read in how it works, and then I'll close, we'll close up, is this line. It says, here's the three, our description of the alcoholic, the chapter of the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after, make clear three pertinent ideas. A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives, which, after many years of working in this program, I believe means that we're basically alcoholic and we can't manage our own lives. It's a conclusion I've come to. And B, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. And I've studied this a lot, and my conclusion is that probably means that, that I'm pretty confident with the fact that that means that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. And here's what C says, God could and would if you were sought. If you're in here, you're a seeker. If you're not seeking him, you ain't in here. You ain't in here. A welcomes everybody, right? Isn't A welcome to anybody? Is that right? Is everybody welcome in A? Yes or no? No, they're not. No, they're not. But life among alcoholics and agnostic is more than attending gatherings and visiting hospitals. So there's a book called The Pursuit of God, because if you're serious and you're a seeker, you're going to grab whatever you can. You're going to be looking. You're going to be seeking. I just want to read you this one part. I know alcoholics, I don't know about you, but if you ever go to A meetings and if you ever live the life I live, you know what I hate? I hate worry and anxiety. Don't you hate worrying? I hate that shit. Don't you hate that? I hate that crap. I hate worrying about money and people and things. You know what you go to A meetings? What do you hear from people? That they're worried about something. They're upset about something. It's people, it's stuff and everything. It's the world. So I want to read this thing. This is from a book by A.W. Tozer written around the turn of the century called Pursuit of God. The truth of the matter is what it says is God will disclose to you more. This is one of my favorite quotes from Tozer. Actually, it's a longer quote, but I'm going to leave out some of the other references. It says, the man who has God for his treasure has all things in one. Many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness. Wouldn't that be great? To not have to have somebody or something necessary in order for you to be happy. How many times have you used the word if only? If only. Do you know as you're saying the word if only, your life is actually happening? I mean, this isn't really a dress rehearsal. As you're doing the three months of the if onlys that may or may never happen, your life is actually going on. It says, as many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness, or if he must see them go. One after one, he will scarcely feel the loss, the sense of loss, for having the source of all things, he has in one, all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. Whatever he may lose, he has actually lost nothing, for he has it all in the one, and he has it purely, legitimately, and the man who has God for his treasure has all things, all pleasure, all delight. God for his treasures has all things in one, purely and legitimately, you know, and what I found with people that I hang out with is the people that have faith, the people in AA, there's a lot of people in AA, out of AA, you know, some things don't seem to bother them that much. Man, I'll tell you, one of the things that came in after I stopped drinking, things just bothered me. I was upset about it. We're going to talk about that one day. Joe Snyder did a whole number on me about being upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset about it. I was upset but feel good about yourself and feel happy no matter what. See, that's what I want. I want the ability to be okay and be helpful to people no matter what. Not I'm going to be okay if or as long as everybody treats me okay or as long as I have the money or as long as I have a job, I'll be okay. Wouldn't it be great to be okay no matter what? You know, I guess if you were okay with yourself no matter what, I guess drinking wouldn't have to be an option because you'd be okay no matter what. Wouldn't that be the thing? That would be a cool life, I think. I think that's available. I know that that's available through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't understand why everybody doesn't want that deal, but apparently it's just true. Everybody doesn't. But that's okay because I'm just here talking to the people that do. So thank you very much. Next week we'll talk about some other step. Thank you.