I Tried to Fit AA Around My Old Life — This Time I Built a Life Around AA – Jordan B.

My name is Brittany, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Tips speaker meeting at the Naval Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what's happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing. And one more announcement before I bring him up. I asked if you'd like to kind of limit getting up and down during the meeting just as not to disturb the speaker while he's speaking, and I'm going to have Trey come up and introduce our speaker. Tonight I am introducing Jordan, who is my sponsor, and he is a really awesome guy, works a great program, has shown me a lot, really knows the AA book like I've never seen. He's helped me stay sober and shown me that people do genuinely a lot of other people. Here's Jordan. My home group is the Fit Tradition Group. My sobriety date is June 25th, 2016. I sponsor guys, I have a sponsor. So we'll see what happens. You know, every time I tell my story, it's a little different. I just kind of show up, say a prayer beforehand, and see how it goes. So tonight, of course, my phone's ringing as soon as I get up here. I'm going to have Trey talk to me about alcoholism. Alcoholism. I thought I knew some things when I got here. One of them is what alcoholism is. Come to find out, I was wrong about that and about most everything else I thought I knew. Alcoholism, you know, in the book it gives a couple of definitions or a couple of places where there's definitions, and the simplest one for me is once I start, I have little control over the amount I take. Once I stop, I can't stay sober. I can't stay stopped, or I can't stop entirely. But that's it. If I have both of those things, I probably have alcoholism. For me, the first part of that, once I start, I have little control over the amount I take. Part of my problem with admitting that I have alcoholism is that I don't stick with the same thing I started with every time. You know, most of the time, my alcoholism, what it looks like is, for instance, I'll give an example. I go to a haunted house with my girlfriend, my boss, and his girlfriend, and it's a haunted house where they serve alcohol. So while I'm in the line, you know, I'm having a couple of drinks, waiting for, you know, waiting to get through, and if you're anything like me, once I have a few drinks, the overwhelming desire, like this need, obsession, this impulse to go get drugs just hits me, and I cannot fight it off for very long. Like, in the beginning, I would fight it and be miserable and spend hours back and forth in my head and eventually go do it anyway. So toward the last few years, I knew what was going to happen regardless, so I just gave in immediately as soon as the thought hit my head so I didn't waste any extra time. So I'm in line, I'm drinking a few drinks as we go through. By the time we get out of the haunted house, I don't say a word to my girlfriend, to my boss, to any of them. I just walk straight to the car, get in, go downtown to Fourth Ward and do what I do down there. And I'm the guy that can't understand why I do these things, and I think maybe if I punish myself in some form or fashion that maybe I won't do it next time. So, of course, you know, I turn my phone off, and then later that night I turn it back on just long enough to listen to the voicemails from my girlfriend. And, man, I hate it. When you happen to turn it back on and they call right then, you're like, no. So I listen to the voicemails, and, of course, the first one's like, oh, what happened? Where are you? Are you okay? And then the next one's like, if you never come home, it's over. And then the next one says, no, I didn't mean to come home. And, like, this is what I do to all the hostages, the women that I've spent my life with before I got sober. And then I come home a day or two later, and, again, I don't know that I have a physical allergy. I don't know once I start I have little control of the amount that I take, so I can't understand why I keep doing this. Why did I set out to just have a couple beers with the guys, watch a football game, and then it's 9 a.m., I'm calling out of work again, the birds are chirping, I haven't slept, I just feel like a total piece of crap, and I couldn't figure it out. So, again, I think in my mind, like, well, maybe I need to punish myself. I need to punish myself to learn a lesson, and maybe I won't do it next time. So I come home, you know, haven't slept, look terrible, you know, the depression, and the four horsemen, they call it, you know, as you're coming down. I come home, and what do I do? Well, one, I think I need to be punished, but it's better to punish myself in front of the woman who's angry with me, so maybe she'll think I'm already beating myself up enough, and she doesn't need to do it. I'm literally beating myself up. I walk in the door, I start punching myself in the face, just, like, legit. Really, this is what I did. Not every time, but the last couple years. And, again, like, I'm so manipulative. Like, yes, in one part of my mind, I think maybe if I hurt myself, I'll remember this and won't do it again. But the other part was, like, if she sees how upset I am at myself for doing this, she'll already, you know, like, oh, he's hurt, you know, he's upset at himself enough, he's beating himself up enough, like, I don't need to make it any worse. You know, that's the guy that I was. Selfish and self-centered. Everything in my life is filtered through a lens of how does this affect me, and how can I mitigate any consequences that I might be facing regardless. I just don't think of others. I don't. The next part of that is... Once I stop, I can't stay stopped, or I can't stop entirely. You know, of course, I had plenty of the marijuana maintenance. I've had plenty of times where I've just tried to drink beer. But then, I mean, who can get drunk off beer? You get so full. So then I'll switch to wine and, you know, just no liquor in the house. Or I'll stay off the hard drugs, but I'll still, you know, do this thing. I mean, I couldn't either stop entirely, or once I stopped, it was really only a matter of time before I did it again. And that was my experience. You know, I... My alcoholism... Once I start, I can't stop. That's what I feel like is powerless. I have less control than it... I have less power than it takes to control. I can't manage or, you know, just have a few. But really, why my life is unmanageable is because once I stop, I can't stay stopped. I'm a guy that... There's a big piece missing. There is something missing in me. And I spend my life trying to fill the void, fill the emptiness. You know, I don't know what it is. For a long time, I spent my whole life trying to figure it out. Just... Just... Life just doesn't seem quite good enough. It doesn't seem fulfilling. I just feel unsatisfied and restless and irritable and discontent. Like the book says, I always feel like there's got to be more. Something more. I'll be happy when... I'll be happy when I get this girl to sleep with me. I'll be happy when I make enough money. I'll be happy when I get my family's approval. I'll be happy when I get this job. When I... You know, all these things. I keep thinking in my head that if I can arrange my life to look a certain way, I'll finally be happy. And once I'm happy, I'll no longer need to drink or use. And what really makes me alcoholic is that drugs and alcohol fill that emptiness in me better than anything I had ever found in my life. And because I cannot stand living with that piece just missing altogether, I'm willing to go through hell and back to keep it filled. Because I don't know there's an alternative. And that's really... That's really why AA and the steps, why it's worked for me, because it's more than a sufficient substitute. A life dependent on my higher power and serving others is what's actually intended to fill the emptiness all the way. So it's not like a temporary relief that I get from drinking and using with a hell of a lot of consequences and more problems that make it worse and worse. It's actually a sustained freedom. And I never thought that was possible for a guy like me. So I'll kind of tell you my... I really like in the book where it talks about our drinking careers are characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we can drink like other people. And in my progression of alcoholism, I have to first find that once I start, I can't stop or moderate. And then once I start, once I fail at that enough and really get it in my head, then I'll try to stop altogether. So it's kind of like I do this progression. And that's kind of part of why I never... It took me almost a decade to admit I actually have alcoholism. I always thought I was a cocaine addict. I thought I was a heroin addict. I thought it was the drug at the end was the problem, not the thing that started the doubt. So... I would usually... Well, I guess I'll start with this. My first experience with powerlessness, I was 20, I believe. And I had moved out on my 18th birthday. My parents knew I was out, you know, partying and drinking and all this stuff. And they take Christmas photos every year. So they gave me like three weeks notice because it was a Sunday morning. The likelihood of me showing up on a Sunday morning is pretty low. So... But I really... I want to be a good person. Like deep down, like I want to be a good son. I want to be a good brother. Like I want to be someone I can be proud of. But no matter what I promise myself or others, I can't seem to live up to it. So of course, the day before, I tell myself, and I had already realized by this point, that once I have a few drinks, I'm going to go downtown, I'm going to get an eight ball, and I'm not showing up tomorrow. Like that's just... It's going to happen. It might... My alcoholism was like Russian roulette. When I first started drinking and using at like 12, there was one bullet in the gun. Most of the time, five out of six, it didn't end badly. I could most of the time, you know, still show up to the thing the next day, all of that. But the years and years went on, more and more bullets got put in, and it was very rare that I didn't do that thing that I was trying not to do and blow everything up. You know, any responsibilities that I had. So even at this point at 20, I knew it was like a 10% chance that if I picked up a drink, I would actually show up tomorrow. So I tried not to. At this time, I'm waiting tables, and you know, I wake up that morning, I'm not drinking today. I'm going to be a good son. I'm going to get some sleep. I'm going to, you know, look good for the Christmas photos that we're all taking tomorrow. And of course, once I get my shift in, my shift ends at work, someone's like, hey, let's grab a beer. And then I'm just like, yeah, yeah, that's fine. You know, I can't remember if I just didn't think at all, or what normally happens is, well, it'll be different this time. It was that girl I went out with last time. It was a bar I went to. It was the people I was hanging out with. It was, you know, whatever reason I come up with, and the same thing happens. And the next morning, I was supposed to be there at 9.15. It's 9 o'clock. I haven't slept yet. I call my wife, my mom, and I cancel. I say, my dog ran away. I gotta go find my dog. I don't even have a dog. And, I mean, just, you know, and then they reschedule. The next week, Saturday comes around, I say the same thing. I even go to all the people at work. I'm not going out tonight. I'm not drinking. Don't ask me, because at this point, I know I can't trust myself. So, I gotta make sure nobody tempts me, because I, you know, I'm not gonna last long if you tempt me. And, and, again, I think, on my way home from work, well, you know, it's because I was going out before. You know, if I just get a six pack and go home, it'll be fine. And the same thing, I drink at home, and then once I get the buzz on, and then I come up with whatever excuse I need to. And I didn't relate, I didn't really understand obsession. I didn't understand the definition of that word. But obsession is only a thought that overrides all other thoughts. That's it. And the thought that I needed more, and I needed to do what I wanted, absolutely overrode every other thought. And the same thing happens. And this time, I'm so embarrassed, I feel so terrible, I just text, I'm sick, you know, I can't come. And then they, they reschedule again. Third week. And, pretty much the same thing. I wake up, I swear to everybody, I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it. I can't remember exactly what happened. I think I got a text from a dealer, like, hey, you just got a new, you know, whatever. And then, well, I can't pass that up. And, so then they take the photos and send them out, you know, without me in them. And, by no means was that the worst thing that I have done in my life. But for some reason, the three week progression of like, really wanting to, to stay sober that day, and really wanting to show up, and really wanting to be somebody I could at least halfway be proud of, and not being able to, no matter how bad I wanted, like, really made it clear to me, like, there's something, like, really wrong. I wouldn't have called it powerlessness. I just thought I was probably insane. Like, I thought maybe my mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby, or like, something misfired, or like, there's something wrong with me. Come to find out, that's alcoholism. So, of course, this is what I did the next ten, nine, yeah, I went to my first treatment at 20, and I went to my last treatment at 29. And, I went every, at least every year, between those, those times. I would, I was really good at like, signing up for insurance in October. It would go into effect January 1st. I would check into treatment the day it went into effect. And then, as soon as I got out of treatment, I'd cancel it, and then I'd do it again every year. And then, on my fifth step, with my sponsor, I, I would go to the doctor, and I would look at my healthcare system, and how expensive it is. And he says, look dumbass, you're the reason it's so expensive. So, what usually happens when I go to treatment, and, I was not sold on AA, or the steps. I was sold on, I'm paying you a lot of money, or, the insurance is paying you a lot of money. Like, you're supposed to fix me, or at least teach me how to moderate, or at least teach me how to just stay off the hard stuff. So, I would go to treatment, the problem. Every time I would go in, I would say, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. The truth is, is I'm going to keep doing this. It is only a matter of time until I do it again, unless I have a sufficient substitute. But of course, I didn't know that. So I go in and I say, well, the coke is the problem. If I can just stay off that, then it'll be fine. So of course, I'm already going in thinking I'm going to drink, going to probably smoke some weed. I'm going to do something when I get out, just not that thing that got me in trouble, that thing that won't let me sleep, that thing, you know, whatever it is. So what always happens is I go in, I eat some sandwiches, I get some sleep, I start physically feeling better. And then I, my mind starts working on me. Oh, it wasn't that bad. Like it was those people, it was that dealer, it was, you know, all the excuses I come up with in my mind, because the truth is, is I cannot bear to imagine life with just the empty void forever. Like I cannot, and that's why it's so hard to see my alcoholism, because that's the thing that makes my life worth living, like that makes it okay, that makes me not kill myself. And I don't think there's anything else that can give me what it's giving me. So I get out and the same thing always happens. You know, I learned a bunch of stuff from and I learned about my triggers or really a list of excuses I use for others. And, and before long, I'm out doing the same thing. You know, my experience with AA is treatment for me was necessary. But it is like the ambulance that got me to the hospital. But the hospital, the thing that actually fixes me is Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Steps. And I am very clear on that today. And, and come to find out, the first time I actually did all the steps, like not a buffet style, like I'll take this, I'll leave that, like I'll do what you can see me do, but I'm not going to do the stuff that you can't see me do. Or I'm not as sick as you or I think I'm so damn smart, I can figure this thing out. By the time I finally just did it, the way it's laid out in the book, as best I could, I had been sober ever since. And so over those years, I have worse and worse, you know, progressive alcoholism. You know, the more and more substances get added, I'm physically addicted to opiates and benzos and all types of stuff. I am literally the guy that from the moment I wake up to the moment I pass out, I'm doing something all day long, every day for years. And I can't ever get more than two or three days a week. And I can't ever get more than two or three days a week. And I can't get more than two or three days a week. And I can't ever get more than three months at the most. And it was usually a lot less than that. Because again, I'm going to treatment, I'm doing what I'm showing them what they want to see. But I'm not actually working the steps like, I'm really good at treating the symptoms of what's wrong with me. But I am not good at treating the underlying cause and condition why I'm doing it to begin with. And and these steps are the only thing I've ever found that actually treats the underlying reason why I'm doing it to begin with. I always wanted to not want to drink and use like, like, I was just wondering, like, when is this going to happen? Like, what do I have to go through to change my thinking where I won't want to do this anymore? Come to find out, it's actually the opposite. I thought that once I thought differently, I would do differently. Come to find out in AA, I'm taught I have to do different first. And after doing different for a little time, my thinking will catch up to my actions. And that's been my experience here. This program is really like going to the gym, it does not matter what I think, or how I feel, or if I think it's going to work, or if I like the atmosphere, or if, you know, it just doesn't matter. All that matters is I put in the work. If I put in the work, I get the results, period. And, you know, I had the same experience with pain to believe. I had the same experience with pain to believe. I had the same experience with pain to believe. You know, I always was wondering in my head, well, when do I go from wanting to believe in something to actually believing in something? Like, when does that happen? Like, again, I thought God would, you know, my experience with God was that it was an issue that I would deal with one day, probably when I'm old and retired. And like, I can see that could, you know, could be, you know, fairly soon, probably should should figure things out by then. But like, that's a long way off. I'm not interested in it now, because that would mean I'd have to live differently than I'm living. So when I got here, again, I'm like waiting for my higher power or whatever is out there to change my thinking. And then once I believe, then I'll start acting that way. And the truth is, is it's completely the opposite. I started acting like somebody who believed. And then somewhere down the line, in hindsight, I realized I actually believed somewhere, somewhere through the process. I don't know if it's true or not. I don't know where. It's like watching your hair grow, working the steps. You can't see it in the moment. But if you look back in hindsight, you can tell it's gotten longer. So I had a lot of fun experiences with my alcoholism, in and out of treatment and fighting myself. You know, there were so many times where I would go to detox and six days later, they'd be like, hey, your insurance is running out, you got to go. And I'm just begging, please don't. Don't let me out. I know what I'm going to do. Like, no matter what I say, no matter what I promise you or anybody else, I know it's only a matter of time before I do it again. It was definitely hell. I remember one time, my girlfriend's birthday, and you know, we had a party at our house and we're all drinking margaritas. And then I do what I always do. I get in the car and I'm driving to meet the dealer. And I'm literally like, I have something else the next day that I'm supposed to go to. And I really want to go to the dealer. And I'm like, I'm going to show up. And I'm crying. I'm saying it out loud, turn around, turn, don't do it, turn around. And I can't, like the most I could do is will myself off the highway. And then by the time I get down to the bottom of the ramp, I've convinced myself for a reason to keep going and I get back on. I think I did that two or three times on the way to the dealer's house that night. And I just, I didn't understand. I couldn't get what was wrong with me. I tried everything. I tried threatening dealers. I mean, I remember texting the dealer like, hey, never sell me drugs again. And if you do, I'm going to call the cops and like just crazy stuff. And then like two or three hours later, I text him back like, hey, bro, my girl got my phone. That wasn't me. Like, can we meet tonight? I mean, I would, I would steal from them, hoping that they would, you know, wouldn't sell them anymore. But then I would just pay it back, whatever I stole. I mean, I even paid a guy not to sell me drugs once. And then, of course, he's going to continue. I just couldn't. I spent so many years trying to arrange my outside circumstances to save me from myself because I knew I could not stick to my word. So finally, toward the end, I need to get sober. So toward the end, you know, of course, I thought about killing myself. Like, if that's your life and that's the only option, what's the point? Is the way I felt. I never had the balls to actually kill myself. I put a gun in my mouth many times, but couldn't do it. My family was really religious. And one good thing, I guess, about that upbringing was they really made me believe if you kill yourself, you go to hell. And like that was the one thing I feel that stopped me from actually doing it. And so I would pray from time to time for God to get me sober. Like, fix me if you're real. Fix me. Show me you're real. Nothing ever happened. So toward the last three months of before I got sober, I was just an empty shell of a person. I hated my life. I hated everybody. I hated everything about it. I didn't have the balls to kill myself, but I did take enough opiates and sleeping meds and downers and vodka. And all this stuff every night, hoping I wouldn't wake up. I would ask God, please just take me. I'm done. I'm through. I can't do it anymore. And then I would wake up every morning pissed off that I woke up again. And finally, after like three months of doing that, I just said, well, maybe I'll try getting sober again. I kept waking up and I didn't really have the guts to do any more than I was already doing. So I thought about it. And of course, my alcoholism says, well, it's never worked before. Like, why would it work now? And for some reason, I had the thought, yeah, well, I've never like actually worked all the steps. You know, I had had sponsors before. I had worked one, two, three. I think I even started writing an inventory once before. But I didn't do all the stuff. I did some, enough to convince myself I was working a program. But I did not do all the stuff. I did some, enough to convince myself I was working a program. But I did not do all of it. I had never gotten a home group. I've never gotten a service commitment at my home group. I had never worked all the steps. I had never been like completely honest and transparent with my sponsor. I had never really sacrificed anything for my sobriety. I would like try to keep my old life and my old things. And like, I essentially would try to fit AA in around my life. And this time when I got sober, I built a life around AA. Yeah. You know, that's really been. And in my experience, the trick to staying sober is to get my ass beat enough that I'm actually willing to do all the things before I die. Like that's, that's been my experience. I had to get beat up enough and still survive to be willing to do all of it. Not, not my version, not my ideas, just surrender and say, look the very best I could do with my life, got me right here. And maybe even if I don't understand it or believe it or anything, maybe if I think it sounds ridiculous, you're telling me that you were just like me and it worked for you. And this room is full of people who are saying they were just like me and it worked for them. And that's pretty much what my higher power was for the beginning for a while was just a group of drunks. You know, God, it could just be my home group or the people giving me direction, the people saying that they were like me and they don't have to live that way anymore. And so I finally did. I wasn't by any means perfect. I did a lot of low growth where I was sober, but I was still lying and cheating and doing all the other stuff and realizing like, man, I'm the same guy just without drugs and alcohol and having to sacrifice some things to be successful. And I was like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to be honest and do the right thing. And the more I sacrificed the things I thought I wanted for my sobriety and my program, the more it meant to me and the more I kept going. And I just did the best I could. I gave it one more try. I said, you know what? I'm going to do, I'm going to give AA and the steps everything I can. And if it doesn't work, I can kill myself later. And that's pretty much what it was. And it's almost 60%. It's almost 60 years later. So, you know, so there was a lot of things through that sobriety. I, it was not easy. I'll tell you what, it is a lot easier to stay sober than it is to get sober again. You know, and, and all I have to do is keep doing the things like I'm not doing anything different now than I was six years ago. I'm just continuing to do it. This program for me is like, it's like I have a spiritual gas tank and the things I do every day, keep the tank full and keep me going. Once I stop doing this stuff, I'm going to start drawing on the tank. And I don't know if it's a week, a month, a year, eventually I'm going to run out. And once I run out, that drinking a drug is going to sound like a good idea again. And there I go. And, and I don't even want, I just want to keep doing this stuff every day. You know, I originally started doing it to save my ass. Uh, but now I do it today because it probably gives me what I've always been looking for, which is some self-esteem, some purpose, some peace of mind, something to, to a way to give back, a way to make all the years of terrible decisions from a liability to an asset of helping somebody else do the steps. Um, and I will just tell a funny story. My first, uh, piss stuff, right? Um, and, and I tell this primarily, well, one, cause it's funny, but the other is, uh, I have these ideas of how things are supposed to look. And if they don't look a certain way, the way I think they're supposed to, uh, I don't think I'm going to get the results that I need. Like for instance, a spiritual awakening. Like I thought this had to be like struck with lightning. Like I feel God and just, that's not my experience. Um, so I go to my sponsor's house. He's a, he's a manager. He lives in the basement of this house where they, uh, a sober living house. And so it's just one room. And I wrote 96 pages on my, my four step legit. It was insane. Uh, and I go into the room and there's just a bed and like a chair and that's it. So he sits on the bed. I sit in the chair and I start looking around and he's got a TV tray right here with a laptop on the side of me. There's a nightstand with some lotion on it. And he's working and tissues. And then over here there's a trash can half full of tissues. And this dude is not sick. Uh, and I start looking around and I'm realizing I'm sitting in this guy's an aspiratory chair and the whole, the whole six hours I'm there. I'm just looking around like I don't want to touch anything. Like it is, it was so uncomfortable. A guy fell asleep twice while I was telling my, my, my, his step it, I left there for two hours for a night and I woke up and he was like, why did you give me a day off? And it like, what the hell was that? It was not the experience that I thought I was supposed to have. Come to find out, it was enough to get myself out of the way, enough to let God in to do some work. And, you know, I keep working through the steps with him, and I get to my 12th step, and I get my first fancy, and I have no idea what I'm doing. So I call him, and I say, hey man, I just got my first fancy, what do I do? He's like, hey, I've been struggling for two weeks, like, you guys should call somebody else. And I tell you that, too, because I never needed an excuse, right? But I love to have good to give other people. And that's exactly what my alcoholism grabbed onto. It was like, wait a minute, you know, you could use this, like, people are going to feel bad for you, you're smart to realize, you've got to start a like, you know, I could really play this up. Like, maybe if I did pick up again, like, people wouldn't be as upset, because they could understand, like, my sponsor, you know. And I'm already, I'm on Boulevard downtown, driving to a job, which is, like, where I used to, you know, meet all my people. And I immediately, like, it just hit me, like, oh my God, like, this is, like, this is a turning, this is a turning point right here. And I pulled over, and I started praying. And the, the implementation of the tools, the calling other guys, the praying, the service commitments, like, all the stuff, they were for that moment. I do them when life is easier or good, so that they're already second nature, they're already ingrained in me when crap hits the fan. Like, that's it. So immediately, you know, I start praying, I start praying, I call somebody, I ended up getting another sponsor the next day. But, of course, I still want to use the excuse, I mean, I have a really good excuse to use for something. So I start thinking, like, what else can I do with this excuse? Like, I have, like, well, my girlfriend won't be mad if I go to strip clubs. She thought I was just upset, and I need, you know, I start going through everything. I end up just getting a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and, and that's it. If that's the way I react to problems in my life, that's pretty good compared to the guy like I was. So, and, you know, this program, really, really, I mean, it's nothing to shy, of a miracle. The junkie alcoholic that I was, this piece of crap sucked the life out of everybody around me to the person I am today. There is no way to get from there to here. There is not. I cannot do it. Nobody I know can, can do it, can create that change on their own. It is nothing shy of a miracle. You know, this program, I, I, I never wanted my life back. I wanted a life actually, you know, I wanted a life that was, you know, I wanted a life that was, you know, worth living. And this has absolutely given me that. So, I, I, another quick thing, I went to Fifth Tradition Group. I was 90 days sober, and I had never been to a big meeting that had greeters. I didn't know that was a thing. So, I go, I walk up, and there's this very attractive woman at the front who's greeting. I mean, I didn't know that. She says, oh, hey, welcome to Fifth. And then, of course, I think she wants to sleep with me. And, and I go and, and pursue her and all of that. And it turns out she's got eight months, and she's sponsoring like six women and do a service commitment and all the stuff, like everything. Maybe a little ego, but on fire with, with AA either way. And then she finds out how little time I have. And she says, well, unfortunately, I can't even consider saving you at all. Until you finish your steps. And then I think, well, I was probably going to do them anyway. But this is definitely good motivation. Like, I can probably get laid if I finish these steps. And I did. I did finish the steps. She's actually my wife now. But I say that because this program is not for people who need it. It's not for people who want it. It's just for people who do it. Like, it doesn't, you know, like we could argue, are you here for the right reasons? Or do you have the right motivations? All that matters in my experience is just that I do it. It doesn't matter. Because once I start doing it, and I get the results from doing it, that will keep me going. And if chasing a woman helped get me to do it, like, I'm glad God doesn't just use my assets and uses my defects, too, to help get me where I'm at. And I'm glad that God needs me where I need to be. That's definitely been my experience. And now, I mean, my life is just, I can get ungrateful, of course. I can get poor perspective on things. But my life is better than I could have ever imagined. You know, I'm married to a wonderful woman who's in Alcoholics Anonymous, who works the steps, who we both spend our lives seeking God and helping others. Sponsoring, you know, we have sponsees at our house every weekend. I've traveled the world with her. We've got our first baby on the way, and we'll be here this fall. Just the family and the friends, and like, not people that I just want something from, or they want something from me, but like real friendships. I didn't even know what's possible. You know, it's, my parents, my mom especially, still cries, like, when my anniversary comes around. You know, I didn't, I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry. I don't realize the pain that I'm causing everybody else, but I have an opportunity to try to make those things right. And, and it feels really good to use all my bad decisions to help somebody through the same thing. You know, I, I, if you look at my track record as a sponsor, it's pretty crappy. Like, as far as the people who, who are still sober now. But the truth is, is that's not my, that's not my concern. I'm not in the results. I'm not in the results. I'm not in the results. I'm not in the results. I'm not in the results. It says in Step 12, we tried to carry the message. That's it. I tried to carry the message. If they're ready, they stay sober. If they're not, they don't. And as a result, I have a life that's fulfilling with peace of mind, and I've stayed sober. And you do still get the success from time to time. I've got one that he's sponsoring other guys, they're sponsoring other guys. Like, I can actually see some positive change in the world from trying to give back and from, like, seeking God and trying to be a different person. And it's pretty cool to see some positive change around me than, than who I was before. I mean, it was, it's, I know everybody knows how it feels, just an empty shell. And I wouldn't have made it much longer that way. So, I'm really grateful to be here. All I ask, you know, if you're anything like me, you're here. So, clearly, decisions are probably, not your strong suit. And, you know, the key is to get myself out of the way enough to let God come in and change some things. That's it. That's all I got to do. That's the process of the steps, is to deflate me, deflate my ego, clear out this channel so I can connect to whatever higher power that there is. And I don't know what it is. I know less about God today than I thought I did when I got here. And I don't know what it is here. All that I know is I have found a way to connect to the power, whatever that is. And the power has allowed me to live a life and be a kind of person I never could be before. And that's all I need to know. I don't need to understand it. I can't. I won't. I just know that it works. So, if you're new, you owe it to yourself and everybody else to give it a real try. Get a sponsor. Get a home group. Work the steps. These meetings are not the program. These meetings are a support. A group for people who are working the steps. So, definitely work the steps and see what happens. Thanks for letting me share. Thanks for sharing some of your life with us. Congratulations on the baby. Okay, I've asked Alex to hand out the chip. Hi, I'm Alex. For those of you that are new, that are coming back, we have the white chip. It's the most important chip of all. I would have picked up probably at least three of these, four of these by now. Next, we have the silver chip. And that's for 30. 30 days. Does anybody here have 30 days? This is my sponsor. He's got his first 30 days. Next chip we have is the red chip for 90 days. Does anybody have 90 days? Yellow chip for six months. Does anybody have pregnancy chip? Nine months. Does anybody have nine months? Sneaky anniversaries, years or multiples? Yes. One day at a time. You know, everything happened, always been peachy. You know, but those I use as stepping stones to growth. You know, they're not there to harm me. They're there to grow me. I believe if God bring me to it, he'll bring me to it. Thank you. Congratulations. Thank you. I got my last white chip in this room 30 years ago. Share this night. Thank you so much, guys. Blue chips, y'all. Cool. Congratulations. 30. Freaking years. Got one more? All right, I'm going to need more blue chips. Congratulations. Thanks. Hey, y'all. My name is Chris Lee. I'm an alcoholic and an addict. This is 23. This story, it was really great. I liked the part where you said about how you continue to do this stuff that was recommended in the beginning. You continue to get the results. And what was recommended to me when I first came in, a guy said, if you want to stay clean and sober, do five things. He said, one, go to a ton of meetings. Two, get a competent sponsor of your own gender. Three, work all 12 steps in order. Four, learn how to pray. And five, work with others. And I continued to do those five things, and I continued to get the results, even when things are sucking. You know, I continued to get the results. And to me, the miracle of recovery isn't that I don't drink or drive. The miracle of recovery is that I don't want to drink or drive. So thanks for my recovery. Last one. We'll offer the white chip one more time. Because it's that damn important. I'll leave it here. Well, thank God. And your sponsor for the chips you hold. Thank you, one and all, for joining the Bluetooth speaker meeting tonight. Somewhere strange to me. Out of town. Can't put the bottle down. Feels like it's getting something to take. It doesn't seem.