I Found Higher Power’s Name Written Four Times Directly and Four Times Indirectly in the Twelve Steps – Charlie P.

Thank you, Earl, Dr. Mills-Cook, Father McGann, Conway, Tom, Millie, Ruth, and Billy Boy. I was pleased on our arrival to know that this gentleman here, this dedicated gentleman, was going to chair this meeting. It was a blessing to me. As he said, we met many years ago, and I know of who he is, and I'm pleased. My wife, Frances, and I wish to express our gratitude for the quiet goodness and hospitality of this session by the seat. I've gotten so lazy and so comfortable that there were some doubts early on whether I could be able to stand up here. But when I look out at all of you, sober, and here I am, halfway intoxicated on excitement and fried chicken, I feel a little out of place, but we all know who we are. There are no strangers among us, and I feel rather comfortable. I used to think that I wasn't an early starter with booze. But after the fog cleared a little bit, I remembered back. Some instances that occurred in my childhood days. And from that point, I'll start. When I was about six years old, and another little fellow about five, we came upon some homebrew in a spring. And we took it, and we drank it, and it made us swimmy-headed. And directly we walked up on the hill. And watched the owner of the homebrew just beat the daylights out of the man that stole it. And I thought that was pretty slick then, at six years old. And at about eight or nine, my older brother and I slipped into my grandmother's pantry. And we took a gallon of blackberry wine out while she was away. And we drank it there in the backyard. And we got drunk. And we got sick. And he was puking and rolling around in the bushes. And I thought he was in worse shape than I. And that was on a Saturday evening. And another older brother had organized a penny poker game to have there in one of her rental buildings. And somehow or other, I got into that room. Not into the game, but into the room. And I was sick. And I was sick and stuffy. And I wanted to go home, but I was afraid to ask out. And they had an all-drum up against the door. And after they got settled into the game, and I felt bad. But it wasn't long until the all-drum came forward and in stepped State Trooper, about six feet six. And he stood straddle-legged in the door. And I was shocked. And I thought, well, yeah, I've been drunk this afternoon, and I'm caught in a poker game. I'm bound to be going to jail tonight. But while he was talking to us and telling us what he was going to do, I noticed this space between his legs. And thought maybe I might be able to make it. So I did. I made a dash for it and went around the corner of the building. And someone hollered, stop or I'll shoot. Well, I just had to stop. And I came on back, and I stood there, and as he continued to talk to him, I felt like that I was going to lose some kind of control. And he said to me, little painter, I'm going to give you two minutes to get up that hill. And about that time, sure enough, I did lose a little control, and I felt this warm feeling down the front of my trousers, down to my feet. But not trying to be smart. Just happy that he was going to let me go up on the hill. I said to him, Mr. Hedrick, I only need one of those. And he let me out, and I sloshed all the way up the hill. And that old gentleman is still living today, and every time I see him or run into him, it's always, ha ha ha ha ha, he's still laughing about it. And to that point, that was a catastrophe in my life. And a while later then, I... Two bottles of beer. Two bottles of beer. Two bottles of beer from my cousin's drugstore, and drank them, and climbed the telephone pole with an umbrella, and jumped off. And that bruised me up a little bit. And I felt a little guilty about that. And then my interest changed, and I started pitching the ball around a little bit out there in high school. And the girls got me in a little trouble out there. And I got them in a little trouble out there. And it was long about the end of my high school that it was time for me to do something about the war. And I was just tickled to death about it. I felt like I wanted to go over there and be some kind of hero. I didn't know what it involved or what they did over there, but I thought I'd settle that when I got there. And I went down to the induction center with great enthusiasm. And I remember they asked, who all in here wants to go overseas? And I just threw up both hands. And oh, I regretted that months after. But they did. They gave me the infantry. And I thought, well, yes, I'm pretty tough. That's what I reckon I ought to be doing. And they gave it to me. I found out it wasn't what I wanted, but I got it. And went on overseas there, and got in a regiment with a bunch of old soldiers. And they were tough drinkers. And I drank a little bit in high school there. I remember one time there, we were having a St. Patrick's Day function. And I was, I don't know whether I could sing. I don't think I could. They thought I could. Anyhow, I was going to be the singer. I was going to sing a song. And I got a little too much of the dandelion wine. And I had a terrible time singing Johnny Doughboy Found a Rose in Highland. And my tongue all just flipping every which way. That was embarrassing because I put it aside. But I knew a little something about it and got over there. And something to drink over there was scarce. We'd get a few rations of beer, get two beers maybe once a month. And we'd get it from those who didn't drink and get together. And some of the smarter boys, some of the chemists there, knew the business about aqua-velva and orange juice. And we'd put it all together. And that aqua-velva would do something for you. You know, you could drink it and get pretty floaty on it. But, you know, you would blow soap bubbles for a week. So anyhow, one night there in a preamble tent, we had a little bit. And I felt like it. I was leading the cheers. And I looked up on the center pole and there was the bugle. And I had played the trumpet a little bit. And I thought, well, I'll take this down and blow a little something for the boys here in the tent. And I took it down and blew reveille at 12 o'clock at night. And we had a large first sergeant, just big and fat. And he didn't sleep in pajamas. He didn't sleep in anything. But that reveille brought him out. And he came over there running through the tent in toward me naked. And I just laughed at him because he was funny looking. Came over and he jerked the horn out of my hand and said, You go to bed, recruit. I didn't like that. And I said, You give me that horn back here. Nobody talks to me that way. And he left. And some of the other fellas said, You might as well take one of those M1s and go out here and end it because you don't have any future here. Well, that shook me up a little bit. But I made it through until they could get rid of him. And we experimented around there. You've heard of Kickapoo juice. You know, where you take the coconut and put a little sugar in it and bury it for a day or two and let it move to the right. And take it out and it'll make you hum a little bit. And then they had a poison leaf there they called mading. And you had to distill it. And I was impatient. Just then, just like I still am. I couldn't wait for it to get down in the bucket. And I'd catch a cup full of that juice and mix it with hot water and drink it. It was terrible. But it would do a little something for you. So we just improvised and got along there in the mud in the jungle. And I didn't know whether I was going to make it back or not a few times. I certainly was hoping. But finally the day came and I did get a chance to come back. And the old ego that I look back and see now, that latent ego began to rise in me. And I thought that, yes, I'll be going back a hero. And they'll be out there to accept me. And I felt like, too, literally, that General Douglas MacArthur and myself had said, and myself had secured the peace for the people in the Far East. Now there were 16 million of us there, but it didn't count really. Not in my thinking. I was going to get on with it. So I returned home and there wasn't any band out there playing. And it was a cold day in February. And I just got me a little something. And, well, I just sort of got drunk. And I had this girl there that I told that, I'll marry you when I get back. Well, you see, when I got back the timing was all off. There was two or three couples there of them all wanting to get married at the same time. And I wasn't going that-a-way because I felt like I had some more oats to sow. And out in the jungle it wasn't very fertile ground for sowing oats. There were monkeys and wild chickens. So I began to play around a little bit. I had these brilliant brothers that would always come up with these ideas. And one of them wanted to date a girl there. And it seems as though the basis that that could take place on were that her friend date your brother, which is me. And he started putting the pressure on me. Well, I can't do that. I have this girlfriend here that I'm sort of going steady and I don't want to do that. Oh, she's a pretty girl. You come on, just tell her something. And he persuaded me. And I went to the telephone and I called her. And I acted like I was sort of sick, you know. I sort of talked with a temperature. And I said, I believe I have a touch of dingy. Well, I didn't know what dingy was. I heard that they had it out there. But I didn't know what it was. And she was so sorry to hear about it. And I said, I think I'll go on in and go to bed. Well, I went home and I got dressed. And I took off. And a little later that night she came down to bring me some ice cream and candy. And of course she asked where I was. And my mother says, oh, he left out of here a little while ago. Oh, that was bad there in a small community. There I was up there on Mountain Lake at a weenie roast with some other girl. And it got out. And I just felt terrible about it. And she let me know about it, how she felt about it. Felt like an outcast. And I thought, well, I'll go down here and buy this ring and get this thing moving. And so I did and went down and got the ring and got things moving. And her mother took over. And she started building on the plans. And it looked to me like she just built them all out of proportion as far as I was concerned. And we had to go down and talk to the preacher. And I was out of place there. And the preacher says to me during the talk, said, do you know the Lord? And I thought, well, you know, I usually had an answer for most things. I just thought. I said, well, my mother knows the Lord. But I don't know. But anyhow, I got over it with him. And we got on out in there to the wedding. And I had been drinking every night gin socially. And she had asked me prior there to the wedding not to take anything during the ceremonies. And I wish she hadn't asked me that. But I thought, well, I ought to adhere to that. I ought to adhere to her wishes. So I was determined not to do it. And I went down there. And there they were, all these people laughing and happy and grinning. And I thought they were laughing at me, you know, for getting married. I didn't know that they were happy that maybe you'll live happily ever after. You know how we are, how we think sometimes. And I was very uncomfortable. My legs were stiffened up on me. And in his service, he had the Lord's Prayer. And he asked us to kneel. And oh, what a time it was. I just went all over the place trying to get down there. And all the time I was down there, I was wondering how I was going to get up. But she helped me up. And we got out of there. And my brothers had me a few bottles and some presents. And as quickly as I could. I grabbed one of those spits and ran to the church basement around and took about half of it so I could get my bearings. And then we left on our honeymoon, the first leg of it, down to Richmond, Virginia. My old buddy Ken and I looked over that hotel there that we were honeymooning in not long ago. And we checked in the John Marshall Hotel. And I had my liquor and everything was just going fine. And along about 2 o'clock in the morning, she awakened me and said, Something's going on here. There's fire trucks running around every place. And all I had on was a pair of white shorts. And she had on a little flimsy negligee. You know how that is. And I got up there looking around. My head was all out of the world. I didn't know what world I was in. And I says, It is. The truck, something's on fire here. And I says to her, You stand here and I'll go out here and see what's going on. So I tripped out through the hall and the place was full of smoke. And I said, I'd better go back and get her. So I went back and got her. And we went down, all down the stairs, down into the lobby. And I looked around and everyone down there was naked or money near naked. And I said, No. This is the strangest thing I've ever seen. And somebody, someone announced over there that there's an ammonia bar set up over here. And it clicked in my head and my liquor's up there burning. And I said to her, I got to get back up there and get our money. I rushed to the door and the fire guard says, You can't go through. I said, I'm going through. Get out of the way. And I rushed up through there, back to the room. And I walked in. And there was a little short, bald-headed man there. It kind of scared me. He's standing there looking around with his hands in his pocket. And he says, What's going on? I says, The building's on fire. But you stand still. I want to search you. And I started to frisk him. And I looked over and I saw my liquor. And I let him go. I went over and got my liquor. Took a big one and got my money. And there was a green, Kelly Green sweater of hers. Laying there on the bed. So I just picked it up and put it on me. And I went back downstairs and took my seat on the couch. And set my liquor right down here. Now friends, I don't have very pretty legs. So I was sitting there drinking my liquor and my Kelly Green sweater and shorts. Looking around to see what was going to happen. And soon I spotted a politician's wife from my own hometown. Over here. And all she had on was her brassiere and panties. And I says, Uh-huh. I'll put that on foul. And if they ever need to use it, I'll tell them about his wife down here running around naked. Well, they got that fire out, I think. And we didn't take any more legs. We came on back home. And I told all these people, I'm going to run for Congress. Or I'm going to do this. I'm going to be somebody. You can figure on that. But it didn't seem to work out of the way. I was on this steady diet of gin. And they got me some kind of a job down there. And I didn't want any job. I wanted a position saying who I was. And that job involved working at night. And I never could figure out for me how I could be drunk and go in at 12 o'clock. And make it. Till dawn. Just in that cold turkey. And that didn't agree with my character or my personality. And I didn't stay there long. Now, they didn't get a chance to fire me. They were close. But I whipped up something there and put it on them. And told them I quit. I wasn't going to work for anyone like that. And I took another job up here. In a clothing store. And that didn't work out too well either. I was running the clothing store. And the bosses left one payday on some business trip. And the compulsion came on me to have a little something. And about 11 o'clock I just closed the store. And I reckon that caused, gave some kind of cause to dismiss me. I never went back to see whether it did or not. But I began to deteriorate right fast there. It was surprising to me. And I began to suffer the self-pity. And I didn't know that it was self-pity. But I began to notice it. That people didn't appreciate what I'd done. And what I'd been through. And I still had a lot of wind about me. As I still do. And someone asked me to come out. And MC something out there. I don't know what it was. And I was getting pretty sloppy. And my wife didn't know whether I could do it or not. But I'd heard of the old olive oil treatment, you know. And I thought I'd try it. So I drank an old bottle of olive oil. Or went out and took me some of my liquor to test it. And then went out there and drank theirs. And I thought I did a beautiful job. Came back and she said, You did beautifully. And I said, Certainly. And I felt that I'd found out some way how to drink and get by with it. And I was like pleased with it. And it wasn't long until they asked me out again. And I didn't have any olive oil. And I just ate a half a stick of butter. And went out and took me some drinks. And friends, it didn't work. They just sort of shoveled me out. And that was the last time that I did any performing in my free AA time. I came to the place where I was unemployable. And I didn't know that word then. Oh, how thrilled I was when I got to AA and found out what unemployable meant. I thought how I could have used that. Because right in that period of time when I thought my war nerves were bothering me, and they thought I was a drunken bum, there was a song that was sort of popular. Anyhow, every time you turned the radio on it was something about saying, Get a job, get a job, get a job. And I'd try to run out of the room or cut the radio off. And I had sort of boxed myself into a corner. And I was inadequate to carry on. And my belief in myself had begun to slip. And she had cautioned me, threatened me. And I didn't have much to drink on. And I started experimenting again. And someone told me about Paragard. What Paragard would do for me. It would just quiet my war nerves. Make my head feel like a stone. And everything would just quiet. And I could look out in the trees. And it would just move. And it didn't bother me. And one weekend I had accumulated a supply, what I thought was a supply. You know, Paragard, you had to go around and sign for a little bottle of it. And I lived in a small town. There wasn't that many drug stores. So I had to make a few circuit runs and get someone to sign in order to get the supply. And I had it on a Sunday afternoon. And I was just sitting there and taking it easy. And my brother came by and said, Let's go swimming. Well, it was all right with me to go swimming. Sure, we'd go swimming. So we all got ready. And we went up to Honeymoon Lodge swimming. Well, now, in the meantime, I had been wanting to get away from that place. And I'd made several efforts, you know. I'd gone away on business. And there was always wanting to know what kind of business. And I was always not wanting to tell them, hoping that they had sense enough to know that I had business in other cities. And I used up all of our suitcases and all that was in the family. And I'd get out there and lose them and come back barefooted in a T-shirt. In January, it's cold. And I used up all the suitcases and I think I finally got down to pasteboard boxes and twine and string. But while we were up there at Honeymoon Lodge, and they were swimming, not I, because I knew the tricks. If you haven't got much, you don't get in a pool of water and start kicking around. Because that takes the edge off of what you've got. And you've got to drink more and you're going to run out before you're supposed to. So I stayed out on the bank and held the watches and listened to the radio. And it came over the radio about the Korean War breaking out. And I thought, oh my goodness, this is my chance to get away. I was in the reserves. And I went down and told them to just hush now. Here, let me tell you what's happening. And they thought it was so bad. I had such a long face about it. But it felt good in here, wherever it was in there that I ever felt good. So we went on home and I made a decision to stay straight in order because I knew they'd be calling me soon so I could pass the examination. And I was walking around there doing pretty good and with my spirits up a little bit. And just one day I stepped out of the basement during this time and looked up in a bush, a tall bush there, and thought about, well, if I had one drink, I could take it. Did any one of you ever decide you could just take one? You have? Well, I'm glad I don't want to be alone in this. So I went up there and asked her, is there anything downtown you need? You see, in a small town with one liquor store and all the church women run around passing, see who's going in and out, I needed a little something to go in with. And if she wanted anything, that would allow me a brown bag. And I could get, if she didn't want it or not, I could get some celery and stick it out the top and go by the liquor store. And I had an old schoolmate worked in there. And I'd holler in something to him and look around and let on like, well, I'm not going in there after any whiskey. And kind of worked my way in because I couldn't hear him and get in. And I did on this time. And I set my bag down on the counter and started to ponder, what will you do here now? And I decided that I hadn't had anything of any quality in a long time. And I decided to get a quarter Virginia gentleman. So I did and I put it in a bag and walked out and just waved like I didn't have anything but celery and groceries. Strange how we do. Now they drug me off of the courthouse steps. I go to sleep there and dragged me into jail. Well, that was all right because I was in another world and knew nothing about it. But when I was sober, I hated to walk out of the liquor store and meet Mrs. Brown there from the church and have a liquor, you know, bottle. And one time I did that. But I had taken precautions and put the pint in my back behind my belt and walked out of the liquor store and one of my mother's friends, just a few steps. Well, how are you this morning? I stood there and talked to her with her a little bit and began to change my position. And in a little bit, that pint slid down my right leg and broke the bottom out of it. And I kept talking to her, wondering how I was going to get up there. And I said, I'm going to get out of this. And finally I told her that I had to go and I just lifted my leg up off of that bottle and bid her adieu and walked on out there. And there's other people looking around and I act like nothing ever happened. We'll go to some things, won't we? But I got this liquor and I took it back home and I set it down in the basement and I took her groceries up there and told her that I was going to work up on those windows on the third floor. I had to get that done before I went away from here. So I went down there and got me some tools and took me a big drink and went up there and it was beating around on the windows and they didn't need beating around. But I had to do something because to kill some time for when I went back down after the next one, you see. But I wasn't going to take any next one but circumstances had worked around to where I had that full bottle down there and another one wouldn't hurt me. And so in a little while I went back down and I got it and went back up and worked a little bit and went back down for another. And I took it and I raised up and puked right straight against the wall. Well this was a real shock to me because I'd never puked that soon after starting. Now if it had been two or three weeks why then it had been something else. And that was strange. So I stood there and I slobbered and I said I'm going to take another one and I did. And I just had to just work and muscle it down to hold it. I didn't understand it. But I went on back upstairs and I was working there and I started to think about well what's wrong here? And I said well that's expensive whiskey and some of the older boys have said that you ought to pour the first teaspoon full off a good whiskey out because that's poison. And I said that's trouble that whiskey I should have poured a little of that off. But I've got that all settled that'll wear off. And I went back down a little later after another and I took it and I straightened up and I began to heave with a gusto. And I had a record of loud heaving and I didn't like it. It always drew so much attention. It would alert the community. They'd come out and say well now what's he going to do this time? But I was in such a state there that I didn't know what was going to happen and I said I've got to get out of here. And I got out and I started in sort of a canter or a gallop around the house puking and and on about the third turn around the house my lower intestines broke loose and I couldn't quit anything. And on top of all of this physical disorder I had tremendous fear. Maybe I'm going to die and I don't I came forward to die this young because I got too much to do. And I was literally scared to death and physically entrapped. But I couldn't stop running. And on one of the turns around the house there she stood waving me in. And I said I can't come in I'm dying. And around and around I went and I knew that some of the neighbors were out there watching but I couldn't do anything about that either. And on one of the turns around there a little later there stood the doctor. Come on in. I can't come in. And on another turn or two he was standing out there with his arm and caught me and got me in there and I laid down on the couch on this sun porch just a complete wreck and in a terrible mess. So they sit down there and he said what happened to him? And she said I put epithet in his liquor. I studied what she was talking about and then she said to him but I'm not ever going to do that again. And I thought a little bit and I thanked her. Because you see I had about come to the conclusion that my drinking days were over. And I reasoned that maybe they weren't since she put something in there to poison me. Well it tore my war nerves up and I was scheduled to report down to Fort Eustis. And I was all nervous and I went down there and they examined me and my pulse was 134 and they said what's the matter with you? I said oh they gave me a going away party up there for a lift. And they couldn't get them down they gave me some goofballs and so they sent me home for 60 days and it just tore me up. I had to go back there and hide some you know I had to go back there and be in place so when they sent for me so I went back and I I was determined I was going to be ready for them this time. So I went to the family doctor and I said could you give me something for my nerves? And he said well isn't it? He gave me a bottle of something orange about this tall and as soon as I smelled it I knew what it was. Because you see along about that time I'd taken a lot of tablets I felt like I never had a degree in pharmacy or something I knew quarter grain, half a grain yellow jackets and blue heaven and all yeah I knew all about it. So I controlled this orange stuff and he sent me back to Fort Lee, Maryland here and I went in and a drunk Navy doctor examined me said go on through, you alright? And they immediately made me a criminal investigator for the western part of Virginia with headquarters in Richmond and he gave me a pistol automobile and a driver and two-way radio and I began to smoke cigars. Friends this was the worst time I ever had in my drinking experience. I just couldn't be sober at the right time and I couldn't get drunk and be comfortable for having to sober up and meet the colonel over here. And I'd gotten so far my equilibrium had gotten out of kilting I'd scuffed up my shoes and I was just in a sort of bad way but I was staying away from headquarters and when I'd wear that gun it'd fall clear down on my leg and I couldn't stand anything tight on my stomach and finally they decided to have a conference over there and I was supposed to be there for this some learning thing and I had to be there and I said well I got to get sober. I'd been going over there drinking and they'd taken a box of garlic powder and one day the colonel says I'd rather smell the rot gut than the wood to garlic powder and I thought he didn't know. I felt terrible about that standing there at attention. In the process of me trying to get straight I was walking up and down the street there in front of my rooming house and I had a nice room upstairs and a mole hole in the basement and I thought I would walk this off and I was walking up and down the street and friend this is the beginning of my things seeing things was right there. And on one turn down I looked over against the building there and there was crawling three beautiful snakes as beauty goes in snakes they were pretty they had beautiful green and orange and black and they were crawling along and I thought well now this is strange snakes here in the city I said but I'll just kill them anyhow I reached down the flower bed and grabbed the brick and threw it over there and missed them about this far couldn't understand that so I took another one and threw it and missed them and I thought well well I always could throw pretty good and this landlady she was very busy she was standing there on the porch looking at me so I reached down and I got another brick I was going to get them all three at once and I missed and the brick bounced back out here and hit someone's car and she said what are you doing I said I'm trying to kill those snakes over there and she peered over and she looked and looked and looked and said I don't see any snakes over there and I looked back and then the thought hit me well maybe what I've heard about snakes may be coming to pass so I ran to the moho and I was pretty nervous and I went in a little restroom down there and looked in the mirror and that scared me and I backed out of there and turned around and there stood a huge brown bear standing right there and I backed up and screamed and I decided I've got to do something for myself so I remember the doctor's shingle and I took off up through there ran through his office just like he carried the ball off tackle right over his patient right on back into what I said was the beginning of those things and my friends I saw everything in the world it was to see that wasn't there and I dreaded it from then on wild horses running through the room rubber monkeys in the jail jumping from bar to bar stealing my cigarettes and I smoked cigarettes then I couldn't afford to smoke a pipe you could get a butt anywhere but a pipe's a lot of work and a lot of trouble and there was a rubber monkey a rubber man laying over in the other bunk at this particular time and he was laughing at me talking to this monkey telling this monkey to go over and steal my cigarettes say he won't see you and I took that jail cup and I beat that rubber man I thought to where he couldn't talk and he just lay there and grinned at me and looked up at the monkeys and see what they were doing and I would smoke those cigarettes and on one occasion I remember smoking a cigarette and I was watching it and it began to melt away fade away and then my fingers began to go and then on up here to my arm began to go and I thought well I better change that and I put it over here in this hand and it started to melt away melt on back up here and I just dropped it because I didn't know what was going to happen and it just sort of faded away and while I'm talking about these things I remember the army of ants that were attacking me from the far corner of the cell while I was laying on the side with my hands like this and if I had any shoes I could have made a barricade and I did on this occasion put my shoes up there to kind of hold them off using a little strategy and looked around and they just coming right up on over the shoes after me and I remember another instance I had been in hallucinations for two or three days and I was laying there on the second floor room looking at the window and suddenly a horse stuck his head in the window and he was a gentle looking horse I remember how long I laid there and tried to figure out are your legs that long or are you standing on something just seemed like hours and hours trying to figure out whether that horse was standing on some kind of a table or whether he was a horse that had two story legs and I believe in that same time I had a sister-in-law that had right much mouth I loved her she was a good natured and good hearted person but she'd just talk about anything and always giving reports on me oh he's gone somewhere now out in Tennessee he came back in barefooted from Tennessee been gone a month now that was true I came back in and I was hitchhiking and barefooted and a fellow picked me up on a motorcycle I'd never been on a motorcycle but you know I was willing to try anything to get to the next town maybe I could get a little something and you had one of those things you hold there and he got me in another town and he was doing his thing with it whatever it was going from side of the road side of the road and I was sick enough and we got off in this little town of Westville and he got off and I couldn't get off I said would you mind breaking my hands loose from here they had frozen on them but yes I walked in and in the summertime the highways get hot when you're barefooted and they were hot that time and I came in and she reported about it but during this time of hallucinations I remember she was standing out this window all night long just standing out there kind of on a conversation with somebody talking about me up there oh he's going crazy no telling what else he's going to pull what kind of a smart thing on and on I'd get up there and holler why don't you hush up and go on she wouldn't do it next morning I said I'm going to see the preacher and see if he can give me some help and I went up the street all the way up the street she and my wife she and my brother was dodging hiding behind the trees talking about me and I'm going out here and getting the rock throwing it at them trying to get them away from me got up there in the preacher's office and sitting there talking to him and they came in the basement and he's down in the basement standing there talking about what he's trying to he's trying to con that preacher I'll sit there and try to get him keep quiet and the preacher look at me and say something matter I remember another instance I didn't recall it until about two years ago real bad straits and had no liquor and had a lot of bottles in the basement did you ever go try to pour up a drink well that's what I was doing I was in terrible shape and I pour and pour and pour you know you couldn't get it drink it anyhow and I turned and came out of there and there wasn't anyone around there I knew of and someone said to me you're headed straight for hell and I looked around and it wasn't anything but a bird dog following me well I walked on around and sit on the front porch and that dog walked on around and laid down right out there in front of me I sit there and watch that dog for a little bit see if he's going to say anything else he didn't and I said I better get away from here and I got up and started down the road and I said now there's one thing you got to do you got to never mention anything about that dog talking to you because that'll get another set of papers on you and you know my family handled me pretty well they were pretty well organized they'd sign me into one of the institutions right regularly no tapering off one of the state institutions because my mother somehow had it figured out that even though some of my family wanted to put him in one of these hospitals where they'd taper him down she had it sort of figured out that if it's one thing that boy don't need he don't need one more drink so she leaned toward the state institutions and I was there I made about all in the state and learned a lot of things they called them then Institutions for the Insane today they have other names Alcoholic Rehabilitation Department Department of the Virginia State so and so wherever and if someone had said detox to me then I thought that would have scared me because I thought that had been another form of DTs but I'm glad they have all these things now to take care of the people I'm really glad we've progressed but I saw many of those things and that was a part of my sickness she sent me away she sent me away and I didn't believe it I didn't believe she'd do it I went back to my mother's and it was terrible and they found a place for me and an old lady that couldn't hear too well in her home and I was upstairs and I was free just to do what I wanted to do up there and of course I'd get drunk and I couldn't stay on the bed very well somehow or other I would just wind up under the bed and in fact that wasn't too bad really because when I'd wake up under the bed and hit my head on the springs I felt secure I felt pretty well you know I knew where I was but while I was up there I decided to do something about my drinking and I went to see a doctor and I said can you give me anything to stop me from drinking and he said certainly and he gave me a box of tablets and I took them away he directed for about 15 minutes and then I took them away the way they should be taken and it was amphetamine and it stimulated me very well I never saw such a change in my brilliance I just became really what I thought I didn't tell anybody that I thought I was real intellectual so I went down and bought me a $3.49 Bible went back up and read the book of Mark and I had about 25 10 milligram amphetamine in me my usual number was about 37 a day before I started taking the half grain of phenobarbital to go down at night someone said it was hard on your heart they were hard on your undershirts because when you perspire all your undershirts turn brown right powerful medicine but I went down and preached the sermon on the book of Mark to this old lady and she thought it was so beautiful she said your mother is going to be so proud of you I said that's right I decided to go down to church down there try to get this woman back you know I didn't particularly want her back I just wanted the community to see she's wrong and I was right but went down there and wasn't long ago Liz called on Brother Payne to pray and I'd read some prayers and something and you were certain I'd pray for you and I prayed to the congregation and they said you're doing so well well I don't know something happened there and I changed my formula I was selling some kind of shoe polish or something they'd gotten me a car and I was just driving around dressed up going to church coming in taking pills and just doing well in the community I wasn't getting in jail on pills you see I was very very good at that I remember about taking the pills one time I was walking along the street and it was time for a goofball and I had one in my pocket and I just flipped it up and caught it in my mouth I didn't do it for anyone's benefit but mine I just wanted to say you can still do things like that but I had to leave I had to leave on business and I went down to Richmond and got in trouble down there with a railroad detective and got in jail and I was in bad shape there and the boots had worn off and I was in jail one of the policemen came by that was there when I was a criminal investigator saw me and recognized me I said what are you doing in there I said I don't know I'm having my war troubles he got me out and took me to the medical college and gave me to an intern he took me up on top and said what do they usually do for you when you get like this I said they give me about that much Peraldehyde in a glass he says isn't that right much I said no not for me he gave it to me and I saw a green telephone over here I said may I use your phone he said certainly so I called the president of the Baptist world and I told him what they were doing to me I asked him if he couldn't give me some help and he said certainly I'll have someone down there the next morning I just about put this detective out of commission there because I thought he was wrong and he had several spots on his face and he was seeing very little out of one eye and I thought they were going to really get me but this young preacher stepped up there and he took my part and the judge said you go on back home now you'll be alright and I went on back home I was continuously in the headlines and I didn't want to be in the headlines you know I just wanted to be alone just sleep out under the bridge which I did many times and I was right comfortable slept in glass and rock but I was more comfortable in you know setting someone's bed on fire like I did one time this old lady I set her bed on fire she was quite a joker and I had a little money and bought me some whiskey and was reading some western novels went to sleep with a cigarette in my hand like this and you know I didn't learn until after I came in that issue you should never hold a cigarette between these two fingers it should be through these it won't turn loose through these too late but it dropped off there in a little smoke and she come running up there and said oh you set my bed on fire and I thought we were still on a joking basis I didn't see any fire I said oh this old bed is on fire now when I got in it and she looked and I looked around there was some smoke so I got up and went out there and got a glass of water and while I was out there there was the police the fire truck and the neighbors out there wiping their hands on the apron watching to see if it was going to burn and I had some liquor there and I took the full pint ran down and back stepped back footed and hid in the weeds to watch it and all I saw was a policeman stick his hand out and pour the rest of my fifth out and I wanted to kill him but didn't but all of these things happened and it's incumbent on me as the book says to tell you and let you know about me but then somewhere in here God began to make his move on me and he sent this unique program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I didn't know anything about out to get Charlie Painter and they drug me in and I didn't want to be there such a mess let's have people away they were talking I love you and I'm an alcoholic and all this stuff and I finally got in Roanoke and to the meetings there and first night there was a lawyer standing up there and I'd known this lawyer when I was a child he was in my hometown and he was talking about stealing embezzling money stealing coal off a truck and selling and I says oh my goodness about forty people in that meeting and I he was a lawyer and I was law oriented I said it's got to be some kind of police in here and they're going to get him for what he's talking about and they're going to get me for being in here with him and I'm not even drinking now you see that sounds sort of far fetched but that's the way I was twenty five years ago and I walked out of that hall and I was going to get out of there I didn't want to listen to that and someone will come out and call me oh I'm so glad to see you how are you what did you think of the talk I said isn't he saying a little too much in there oh no that's the way we talk in here alright I left wasn't planning to come back but circumstances had me hemmed in I think I had an eighteen month stint on at hard labor as another treatment for me playing so I had to stay there and they kept talking and talking saying all this stuff I'm an alcoholic I ain't no alcoholic I didn't want to be one of those things and I thought well maybe one time I'll get a chance to get to the rostrum and sure enough I did on Monday night they gave me a chance and I got so enthused about the opportunities I got drunk on Friday night and missed my turn but I straightened up there and got back and got in line again and they asked me again and I said here we go my chance to get them straightened out and I made the talk and after it was over I was standing near the front and this big fella came down and laid his arm down over my back and looked me in the eye and said I love you and I thought my lord I got enough trouble but I found out what he was saying what he was talking about was something else and then we had a man there it was a director I thought he was a director I didn't know I thought he was a leader I thought he was doing pretty good he told me he called me up and said I want you to go on a 12 step call down southeast said take Homer with you and I said alright cold night I went and got Homer went down there and remind me of the old picture we see the drunk on the bed and two sitting here except I wasn't sitting I was walking the floor with this man how to get straight he wasn't paying attention to me because he was taking goofballs and drinking beer he was going out to see his landlady every few minutes but it didn't bother me I had a message to carry old Homer had a month sobriety less than I did and every now and then I'd ask Homer Homer you know what I'm talking about here Homer would say yeah and I literally thought I had changed that man around down there that night and we went on home and the next morning the director called up and the poor man had died and that just wrecked my whole future I thought well they'll be coming after you because you done talked that man dead he said I want you to be a pallbearer I said I can't be a pallbearer he said what's the matter I said I don't have a suit he said you get one and you be there and I was sort of afraid of him I reckon so I borrowed one off of a drunk drunk blind man he was in the same house and I said I don't have a suit he said you get one and you be there and I was sort of afraid of him I reckon so I borrowed one and he came quarters with me went down there and got over with him and came back and oh and just down real low and my friend the drunk blind man wanted to know if I'd burnt a hole in his suit he said you sure I said yeah I finally had to take a suit and lay it down on the bed and rub his hands on it to see I don't believe this is worth it but finally then I started I stayed sober for nine months and I was doing very well I had been elected to the executive committee of the Easy Does It Club which wasn't much club me nine months being on the executive committee you can imagine I was on the steering committee the central group the only one in the city and I was walking around and I just hey up you here and I'd met a major general out there in the city that I knew during the war and he says alright I got to thinking about it and I thought well I need to go up there and see him so I boarded an airplane and flew into Washington and went over to see him and he asked me he says can you cut that hard liquor like you used to and I said well I can't cut it quite as bad he said come on let's go get a drink went down there and got two drinks or something and that wasn't my way of drinking I said no because I saw a bar back up there that's where I could do some real drinking and got in serious trouble well not serious trouble I went into a nice hotel and was in two or three you know how you go down the line and finally I was on the street and all I had was a yellow shirt and a belt and walking along the street so tired and sick and weak and they were so heavy I just walked in the alley and laid them on the ground and there's where God says this is it now and I said to him there's some people here staying sober show me how they're doing it and help me to do it I don't want to do it anymore and from that day forward I began to look at people and say yeah you're in bad shape as I am and you know we got something in common and I began to try to love them and pray for them and this was fine because I still had a lot of people and time went on nothing real big happened overnight time and putting the butt in the chair and just holding on I began to heal and I began to know about God I began to learn about God and I began to try to work the steps and a fascinating thing struck me one day while going through the steps I found God's name in there four times directly four times indirectly and four times it speaks of high morality and I said this is a God thing and God you must be real and all the time I kept searching for you in the darkness of the night in the top of the steeples the churches are on some cloud and I never found you and you're right here you've got to be right here with me and the love began to gel a bit and I began to depend on him and and trust him and I saw the glorious God and I knew He was a etap150 He was my God exactly the same God as who is our God yet I kept talking about God every night think about it I really forgot it I was so worried about the God that is talked about in our big book the God that milly read about in the fifth chapter and he beegined to changed my life and one day I didn't want This is the class of your society because you said you left 99 of them and went out to get the black one, and here we are. And we're going to make it because your power and your attention and your love is with us. And thank you for it. And I began to pray, and I began to enjoy the act of praying and thinking and meditating. And I began to look at the mountains with clear eyes and say, God, that is your creation. And see how the trees grow and the flowers bloom and the colors. That's your creation. And we people around here are your love creation. Because you have said that I created you in my image, and I made you for myself. And it must go together that whatever you made that's so close to your heart, you must love. And you're my God, and you're the God they're talking about. And you're the one that holds the spirit that we have together. And I love you, God. What a turnaround from the times when I butted my head against the steel bars. Never. Thanking God for anything good at all, much less anything bad. And he taught me how to thank him and to appreciate the pain and the bad things that's talked about in our principles and in our book. And I was amazed when I could say, thank you, God, that I'm in this fix. Or that I'm sick and my stomach hurts and my head's dizzy and I'm not well. Thank you. Because you've said to me that, this is my way of teaching you. And you have said for me to be thankful for all things, and you did not specify. And I would pray, don't let me miss the blessing that you have for me after this thing that I don't like. But I know that you know what you're doing. And you're going to look after me. Just let me yield and let me say yes to you. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Yes, he'll stand at the helm of my heart and my soul, and he will direct my course. When everything's blowing up outside, just be quiet inside, because that's where he lives. And what a blessing that is to me to know and to have that peace. And you know what I'm talking about. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you keep coming to such gatherings and such experiences as this. Amen. one day at a time, don't you take that thing, it'll change you. And one day at a time, you put yourself in the atmosphere with your brothers and sisters that can talk to you common and can share these burdens that we didn't talk about to preachers and other people. And one day, you'll know the peace and you'll know that God is and that God will be. I'll count briefly a blessing or two. I puked one time in 24 years. Having been in jail in 24 years, I have the things that I need to live with. The material things that I once sought so diligently, thought it was success, missed the boat. I've come to find out now that those things, those people that have those $45,000 Cadillacs and wives who wear minks with the diamonds and all of the things, in most cases, those people are successful failures. And I've found out that the true success is in my seeking and in my finding and in my doing the will of God. That's true success. And one day, after I had married my first wife the second time and reared my two daughters and saw the last one married, it was dissolved. It was made in heaven because if you remember, when the minister asked me if I knew the Lord, I didn't know it. But he turned it around and I have the love of my daughters and the respect. And my prayers have always been for her. And she's a fine lady. And I was single for a long time. And I was lonely, the loneliness that Tom and others spoke of. And I said, God, you know I made a mess of the other marriages. In your time, in your way, give me a companion of your choice, of your pleasing. I don't want to take a chance on me doing the selecting. And in his time and in his way out from the, you know, the came this beautiful lady into my life with no strings attached. She's with me tonight. And we've been blessed by God for eight years and we live now in his direction and his protection. And we try to live in the spirit of Alcoholics Anonymous and of the Al-Anon program. What a pleasure it is and what a joy it is to mingle with you important people. You people who have more love stored inside of you than most any I know. Let AA and let God make it shine for you.