I Didn’t Carry the Message, I Carried the Disease – Bobby C.

flag my name is Bobby cool I'm an alcoholic my sobriety date is June 2nd 1988 my home group is the McKean Street miracle group of alcoholics anonymous we made it say Magnus Hospital brought in McKean Street South Philadelphia Friday Saturday and Sunday at 7 o'clock if you're having a neighborhood please stop by we'd love to have you well for cheesesteaks afterwards that I'd like to thank the committee for asking me to come down here I've always seen the Flyers I haven't been down here before but you had my friend Robbie from Jersey came down here last year Robbie's a very quiet guy for those who don't made them but he told me that you guys treat him like gold and you guys have you've been very kind to me this weekend chapter chapter five chapter five chapter five chapter five chapter five chapter five chapter five tells me what my directions are I will tell you in the general way what my life was like as an active alcoholic what happened to me and what my life is like today's a sober member of alcoholics anonymous I was born and raised in a very blue-collar ethnic neighborhood I had seven brothers and sisters my mother was pregnant for almost nine years I got my sister's 11 months older than me and I am 11 months older than to my next sister there's eight kids in like a nine-and-a-half year almost ten years span we had no booze all night in the house my father did not drink my mother could not drink besides being pregnant all those years she had a long history of mental illness and abuse prescription medication so we had no booze at all in our house my grandparents lived around the corner from us and they had a bar in their basement and that's where all the family functions were held the christenings of graduations and things like that and that's where I had my very first drink I love my grandkids I love my grandkids I love my grandkids I love my grandparents my grandparents were immigrants they spoke kind of funny but uh some people think everyone in my neighborhood speaks kind of fun but it was great though because my parents came from pretty big families my mother is one of eight and my father is one of nine so there was always aunts and uncles and cousins and we just loved the party and I just loved that stuff you know my very first time I drank I was just a kid I did not get drunk but I remember what it was it was bad Valentine beer and I remember that because Valentine used to sponsor the Phillies and I remember going up to Connie Mack Stadium with my father and the old school board in right center field and what happened I was in my grandparents basement I was running around the the bar polishing off the half empties or the half fulls I guess it depends on your perception but as my uncles were pointing at me he said look at him look at Bobby and that's what I craved because I never felt a part of and that would be true even into recovery I never felt a part of and that's tough to do when you got ten people living in a small three bedroom row home but I never felt a part of and the need for me to be accepted outweighed anything else my drinking really kind of took off in high school all the kids in my neighborhood went to the local diocese in high school but my parents had sent me to a private Jesuit high school and right away I felt kind of different because most of the kids who went to this school were from affluent families from the suburbs it was just me and a couple of dirt balls from neighborhood and we went there and we had a reputation because we used to walk to school you know and these kids would be getting dropped off in school by their parents and their luxury automobiles and me and the guys in the neighborhood were inside robbing their lockers and I knew that was wrong you know what but you know one of my nicknames was crazy coil and I would do things in my gut that I knew was wrong by the values instilled in me by my folks and by the nuns and everyone else but you know those values and ethics went out the window because the need for me to be accepted by you outweighed anything else so I was your entertainment committee and I did things in my gut that I knew was wrong but I did it anyway. I remember my freshman year at the prep it's September it's football season you know there was a away game football game in a way game we rented a bus there was drinking there was fighting there's police activity it was great and I remember we all had to go see the disciplinary the first day back to school and he had about 10 of us lined up outside his office and they were all upperclassmen except me and another kid from the neighborhood we're the only two freshmen and he came right down to us you know he said what's with you guys you guys in the jet getting this jackpot you're already here like 20 years old. like two weeks and I just shrugged my shoulders and said you don't father just one of them things and what it was it didn't take me long to size up situations you know I was there quickly you know I knew who even though I did well academically I didn't hang out the AP kids and and I didn't play sports so I didn't hang out there at the athletes I was there a couple weeks and I knew who the party guy was and that would be the same when I went in the service I always it didn't take me long to find out who the guys were about the party and the insanity and that's what I hung out with when it came time to you know and at the prep you know what I gave the bare minimum effort required to get by and that would be the standard I would set for the next number of years you know mediocrity was my goal I gave enough to keep the heat off my back I didn't want any tension either good nor negative I don't want anything at all I just want to skate by you know and that's what I did I gave the bare minimum effort required to get by when it when it came time to graduate from the prep I really have no desire to further my education and I knew that would that cause some problems at home because we didn't have much of my parents made a lot of sacrifices and me and my brothers and sisters a private school so I know I couldn't say home because it'd be held to catch and I couldn't get an apartment I had no money no skills you know my options were very limited so what I did I thought was a bright move I enlisted in the service that wasn't a bright move back in though because not many people were going in fact there were still guys living up you know in Canada but I enlisted and I wound up getting sent overseas and I spent 13 months overseas and that's when my drinking really took off now I never messed around with other substances never because I had a lot of good friends in my neighborhood had gone over and got whacked on certain things so I had I had a fear of other substances but I definitely had a drinking problem before I went in I was there a couple months and several good friends of mine got killed and I didn't know how to handle that you know see because in my house and we didn't talk about nothing it was all surface stuff and you know and I cannot identify with Irene talked about earlier you know we didn't tell anybody nothing and once you moved out of the house once you would like went away to school or got married you were no longer privy to the secrets of the family everything stayed within inside you and if you lived in the house everything stayed in within the walls of the house I mean a family and that's just the way it was but so I couldn't tell anybody how this affected me but you know what booze numb the pain and I did the same thing in the service you know I I didn't did not distinguish myself but I didn't get any jackpots either I gave the bare minimum effort required to get by you know and when my tour was up I came home and I wound up taking a couple civil service exams and then I enrolled in school I went to st. Joe's and what they said I got three outными結�� we'll keep you as a friend too the same thing there you know and that you know it's it's funny because at the end of the semester it was about this time years may was the end of the semester and then one of my friends called me up he said buy me the Phillies are playing tomorrow afternoon was one of those business man specials you know like one of those like twosies twelve o'clock games they said you want to go to show up because they wasn't going to miss me in the classroom because I wasn't participating there so meaningful other guys enable this they have since moved there playing at the vet in South Philadelphia and it's an unusually warm at the 700 level drinking that cheap watered down beer and I told one of the guys I was with I said you know what I'm going to run down to the field and meet one of the players and they kind of shrugged me off because another nickname I had was Bullshit Bob I said like I'm going to do this I'm going to do that I did that I didn't do nothing I just drank and made stories up that's all I did never got off the bar stool you know so what I did this day I worked my way down to the old picnic area they had and I jumped over the fence and I ran out and I was running around the outfield and the San Diego Padres were in town and Dave Winfield was the right fielder for the Padres and I went out and I shook his hand I said hi Dave how you doing and he looked at me he said brother he said what are you doing out here and from behind him I saw the guards coming I said Dave I got to go now so I started I started running towards the infield and I want to slide into second base and as I was running towards the infield there was more guards coming from the third base side and I knew I couldn't do that because if I slid into the base I'd get caught so I turned around and I started walking towards first base and I'm as close as I don't know about six, seven feet away from the guard I'm walking like to give myself up at the last second I deked the guy and I ran out in the outfield now it seems like I'm running around like a lunatic for about ten minutes but it's probably closer maybe three or four up on the scoreboard they put Mr. Excitement like they couldn't catch me but all of a sudden I got nowhere to go now at this point I'm out of breath I'm about I'm drunk I'm about to get sick the fence is twelve feet high like I'm cornered I just stopped running I just stopped and there was a lot of guards at this time and they escorted me off the field and I got a standing ovation from 37,000 people because as they was taking me up through the bullpen in right field Tug McGraw was in the bullpen and he gave me the thumbs up now I knew I was going to get beaten from these guards because I made them look so stupid you know that was okay they could have beaten me they could have told me all day long because I knew that I would be a legend off this I could drink for free the next week off this story now you heard Mark Twain had a saying never let the truth get in the way of a good story but I swear to God this is a true story but not only that I had those four guys from the neighborhood see this would be a type of story that I would make up but I had them four guys from the neighborhood up in the 700 level they were going to be my witnesses I was in I knew that just as I was about to get my beating the Philadelphia police lieutenant showed up he said what's the matter with you he said are you drunk are you high I said no I'm just happy just happy to be here he said what are you going to get your happy ass out of the stadium so not only did he save me from getting a beating but more importantly he saved me from getting arrested and that was important because one of them civil service exams I took kind of panned out and I got hired by the Philadelphia police department they was hiring anybody back then our mayor at the time was a guy by the name of Frank Rizzo he's a four year old former cop Frank you can bank on Frank there was 8300 of us and we were nothing but a gang with badges you know I wasn't even old enough to drink the drinking age in Pennsylvania has always been 21 at that time the drinking age in Jersey was 18 and where I lived in Philly I could be across the bridge quicker than I could be other parts of Philadelphia so we used to go over the bridge all the time and drink once I got on the job though I can go wherever I want you know I remember when he swore us in you know we were holding up our badges and he said gentlemen you're holding the ticket to the best show in town and he was right you know so I spent my first 10 years in North Philadelphia and I would see the ravages of alcoholism and drug addiction day in day out and at the end of the day I would go out with guys in the squad and I would drink you know I saw a lot of things on the job that bothered me but I couldn't tell my co-workers that because I wanted to be part of one of the boys and most of these guys they were all older guys than me you know they did a big hiring at the end of the 70's a lot of these guys were all Vietnam vets and I went I wanted to be accepted by these guys you know to the point where I even engaged in behaviors I knew my gut was wrong but I did it in any way because I needed to be accepted by these guys that way than anything else and you know what the drinking got ugly for me quickly that story I talk about running on the field I tell that story for a couple different reasons one it's true secondly it's the only funny story I got see I wasn't a funny guy you know I wasn't a lover I wasn't an athlete I was none of that stuff I was a lying thief and stinking falling down violent drunk and if I hung around you you had something I wanted I used to abuse every person I came in contact with and thirdly I was a major blackout drinker from the very first start you know just drinking beer and occasionally other things but mostly beer but I was a blackout drinker and I would remember I would come home to the corner the next day and the guys would tell me the things I did before the night before and then two or three hours later when we'd be out I would be repeating these stories like I remembered them and I would say and I didn't you know so the drinking got ugly for me and you know what I was the last guy to figure it out I remember I told my very first meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous was in 1979 and I don't tell people I went out because I really never came in but I'll tell you what happened I was at work one day and our job we had a I showed up at work and one of my co-workers was drunk and on our job our job we had a counseling unit an EAP unit and part of that EAP unit they had a group called the 369 and they had a group and I remember I showed up at work and the supervisor said Bobby take this guy up to the unit he's detailed there for the day now 369 was a little house that sat in a park and I'm coming down the driveway and there was a guy sitting on the porch Eddie Eddie M and I pulled up I said Eddie I'm dropping this guy off I'll be back at 4 o'clock to pick him up he looked me dead in the eye said kid do you want to come in I said no I don't I was insulted and he even asked me because I know what alcoholics were alcoholics were these poor people I was dealing with day in day out you know alcoholics were you older guys were you married guys were you guys with the three heads I didn't have a problem drinking I was a beer drinker and there was no way you could be an alcoholic drinking beer I mean the only time I drank hard liquor was like on St. Paddy's Day or New Year's Day or pay day but I was a beer drinker and you couldn't be an alcoholic drinking beer you know when I got sober a few years later Eddie was one of the first guys I saw in my first outside meeting and he just smiled he said so kid you finally came around you know I was at a family function one time and my uncle he was a boss on the job and he pulled me off to the side he said Bobby I'm hearing stories about you you're going to get yourself in a jackpot you better take it easy I was at work one day and the supervisor pulled me off to the side he said you know what kid he said you're smart you're going to go places but that booze is going to mess you up in one ear and out the other several years later on two separate occasions I ran into my uncle and that supervisor in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I realized at that point that they were trying to 12 step me and I remember talking to my uncle I said Jimmy how come you didn't tell me he just smiled he said Bobby you just weren't ready yet which just goes to show you that all the drinking and all the other behavior I gauged in were necessary for me to hit my bottom you know I was 24 years old and I shot and killed a kid a 15 year old kid in a line of work and it was a terrible situation that couldn't be avoided you know they now have a phrase you know a term suicide by police but that wasn't coined back then and I use that as an excuse to crawl in a bottle and that's what I did for the next three years I wound up getting sober when I was 27 a lot of people offered help to me and I rejected that you know I was just full of self pity and I just crawled in a bottle my drinking took me to a lot of my nevers and one of those nevers was the use of other substances I wound up getting promoted and I got transferred in this unit and I was I was drinking my judgment was impaired and I was put in a position where I thought I needed to get involved in other substances my drug use is very short it lasted 17 months it caused a lot of problems and it brought me to my knees and I think out of respect to the fifth tradition that's all I need to talk about that stuff you know that's where it went I was sitting home for work one day and I was sitting there reading the daily news and there was an article in the bottom of the paper it said alcohol problems drug problems marital problems suicide you know and marital problems thoughts of suicide depression and I'm looking at the ad and I'm four out of five because I'm single and I'm just I'm sure I'm sure if I was married I'd have been batting a thousand but they talk about the moment of clarity but as soon as it came it quickly left but something made me cut that ad out and I stuck it in my wallet and I continued on drinking it was Memorial Day weekend 1988 and I was guys in my squad were in this bar were drinking pounding them away and one of my co-workers decided that he needed to leave for one reason or the other and I decided I would give him a ride home designated driver another term that wasn't free and you'll see why I've always been a show off always an arrogant guy I was very aggressive with my job and I got a lot of publicity and just in case you happen to miss it I would have an article to show you to verify that so I decided I was going to show off my driving skills and that's pretty easy to do when it's not your car you know city vehicles it wasn't unusual for me to go down sidewalks and do a lot of other stuff and I was going to impress my co-worker with these skills that I had and I was riding out the street and there was a guy a kid riding towards me on a bicycle he was about a couple blocks away when I decided I was going to play chicken with this kid unfortunately at the last second we both turned in the same direction I ran this kid over as he lied bleeding on the hood of my car I got out of my car with my nightstick and was going to beat this kid because I thought he was milking me for an insurance claim the guy that I was with prevented me from doing that so I took this kid and threw him off to the side of the street like a piece of trash I pulled this crumpled bicycle from beneath my car and threw that off to the side of the street like a piece of trash I went back to the bar I made some sort of smart remark and I continued on drinking when I came to the next day I realized I was in serious serious trouble but I didn't think anybody would help me because I was such a creep and you know I couldn't even get people hanging out with me you know I remember I would call people up and they would make oh no I got to work I got to do this I'm broke I said that's ok I got you covered they said no thank you it's pretty tough when you can't even buy people towards the end of your drink and I was just an ugly person I had been for some time you know I remember and I tried to stop drinking you know I remember at work I was like kind of abusing my sick time and vacation time and you know the boss came up to me and said you know what you're going to get yourself jammed up you know and I would go on the wagon for a bit and you know out on another run I'd be living with a girl at the time and she said you know what Bobby you're a pretty nice guy but when you start drinking you become a pig and an animal you know and I would try to save that you know and I'd go on a run again you know I'd try to give it up for Lent I'd try to do all these other things you know I was just never successful I didn't know what to do the next day so what I did do I got a bottle of liquor a case of beer and some other substances and checked into a hotel with the intentions to consume all this stuff to build up the courage for me to end my life and at this point I was suspended from my job I had no longer access to my weapons so I couldn't shoot myself so three days later they're knocking on the hotel door to kick me out and I know what to do so I walked over to the window and I opened up the window and I was going to jump out the window and when I opened up the window I was on the fifth floor of the hotel and I remember I was scared of heights I made 23 jumps I never overcame my fear of heights you know so I went in the bathroom and I filled the bathtub with water and I had a blow dryer and I was going to pull the blow dryer into the tub to make it appear an accidental electrocution but every time I would pull the blow dryer into the tub it would come unplugged I was about a foot and a half short on cord and it was a scene like out of that Woody Allen movie where he tried to kill himself but he just couldn't do it and that's okay you know I laugh but you know I never want to forget the pain I was in that day because it turned out to be the last day I would drink but I didn't know that then so the only tool that I had left was my car so I took one last spin to my neighborhood I started up the Falls Bridge and I come down the East River Drive and I was going to end my life in an automobile accident now for those who don't know the East River Drive is a winding road along the Schuylkill River and I come and come and down the drive towards the art museum and I decided I would end my life in an automobile accident I would just go into oncoming traffic and I handled enough of these jobs and I knew that would definitely do the trick and it was a weekday it was like a Wednesday or Thursday morning about 10 o'clock in the morning and that would be important because at any other time I would have probably succeeded you know because like it's a winding road and it's usually heavy traveled and this is a work day a lot of people work and the speed limit I think is 25 and I'm doing about 40 and I'm kooked and I'm hung over and I'm crying and I'm flying down the drive and I now know my higher powers looking out after me but I didn't know that then and the intention to go into oncoming traffic something hit me you know I didn't want to go into oncoming traffic the only reason was I didn't want to hurt anybody else you know like I said I hurt everybody I came in contact with and those closest to me the most got hurt the most so I decided I would wrap myself around a tree and I handled enough of these jobs I know they had these big old trees and that could definitely do the trick too and as I continued down the drive I'm approaching boathouse row I just started crying and I pulled over at the end of the drive and it's boathouse row and I pulled over and I sat behind the wheel of my car and I cried like a baby for about 10 minutes and I reached into my glove box and in the glove box was my wallet and inside the wallet was that ad that I clipped out of daily news about 6 weeks before and it's no longer there but at the end of the last boathouse is one of those old glass and clothes phone booths and I went in the phone booth and I dialed up that phone number on that ad and the woman who answered the phone I spoke to this woman like I spoke to no one in my life before I told her the truth and you know what once I started talking to her I couldn't stop and I'm just pouring out everything in my life you know my life is a shambles you know my career is in jeopardy and all this stuff is going on and God bless her she just listened patiently and she said and she said listen she said why don't you drive over to Hahnemann Hospital somebody will be waiting to talk to you I said ok so I got in my car drove over to Hahnemann it was only about a 5 minute ride they were waiting for me they admitted me to their 10 footer psychiatric unit and they kept me there a couple of days it got me kind of stabilized and from there I got transferred to the VA hospital out in West Philadelphia and I spent a couple of weeks in their flight deck and from there I got transferred to the VA hospital out in Coatesville and I spent a couple of weeks in their flight deck before they put me in an alcohol and drug ward when I pulled over that day and made that phone call alcohol synonymous was the furthest thing from my mind I did not think that I had a problem with alcohol I thought it was my short use of other substances if I could leave that crap alone I'd be ok maybe I got this mental illness and I heard this from my mother maybe I got this stress stuff they're now talking about I got this from the experience in the service or I got this experience from my job maybe it's the neighborhood I live in maybe it's the fact that I'm a mummer it's all these things but it can't be but it couldn't be alcohol because I'm a beer drinker and there's no way you could be an alcoholic drinking beer and I'm a beer drinker so I remember my first day in the alcohol and drug ward at the VA hospital I'm there probably about two hours I'm wandering around getting a lay of the land and I walk into the day room and up on the day room wall they had the large window shade of the 12 steps and the 12 traditions and I said I zipped through the steps I got about six of them done you know I see the part about the amends I said they're screwed you know out of sight out of mind but what happened that day two men came up and I would later find out that they were part of the treatment facility committee I did not know that then and they they were they were they told their story the moment that the speaker said something about his background that I didn't like couldn't relate to didn't identify with I would immediately tune him out I was too busy listening to the messenger and not the message now I'm looking around the room and I'm eyeing up my peers you know what I'm not as bad as these guys thought these guys had legal problems I didn't have any legal problems the fact that I had a gold shield in my back pocket probably had something to do with that all these guys had marital problems no one wanted to talk to them kids, wives I didn't have that problem probably didn't due to the fact that I'd never been married I don't have any kids you know I was looking for the differences and not the similarities and the cockiness settled in but what bothered me the most was at the end of this meeting everyone got in a circle and said the Lord's Prayer if this is what you people are about I don't want nothing to do with you because I hated God and I know the kind of strong words but that's what it was and I hated God and I'll tell you why I was 15 years old I came home from school one day and I talked about my mom's mental illness my mom my mom was like a fundamentalist with the church you know and she was in the charismatic movement so she could speak in tongues and there was TV and radio programs and pictures and candles and all that other stuff throughout the house and I'm in my house probably about 10-15 minutes and I come across my mother and she had slid her wrist and she looked up at me and she said Bobby help me and I looked down and I said good for you and I walked out of the house and I got an older guy to get me a bottle of wine from the state store and I came home later that night and my father told me what happened and I acted surprised and said oh yeah how about that so that happened when I was 15 I didn't get sober until 12 years later I was 27 that's 12 years of hating God it would be a couple more years before I would deal with this so I broke away from the group and would not say the prayer when it came time to get discharged from the VA hospital a woman came up to me and you know I'm pleased I'm about to say this and it's not to get a laugh she was a saint she had to be a member of Al-Anon you know why because she saw all through my stuff you know it was just it was just a facade you know to keep people at bay she saw right through it and she came up and she told me she said you know what the only way you're going to get out and you're going to make it is you're going to need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and I need to tell you that's the best piece of advice I got and that's where I would get my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous I did not get it at the VA hospital I had the VA hospital help me and they did tremendous work with a lot of issues I had going on but I would get my recovery in AA and I went to AA every single day sometimes two or three times a day depending on the shift I was working and obviously I would get there late and sometimes I would leave early I don't drink coffee so I don't make it never drank it in my life I don't smoke I don't smoke I don't smoke cigarettes and never smoked a cigarette in my life so I don't empty any ashtrays I don't take your phone numbers because most of you are screwballs I don't believe you anyway I remember my very first meeting there was a husband and wife speaking they had ten years the woman had one more date than her husband and she constantly reminded him that throughout her talk and you know these people with ten years I didn't believe them I thought you know maybe you could go over and drink in Jersey and keep your Pennsylvania time or I don't know you had these private parties going on where the real deal was going on because I just couldn't get with it but the only reason I kept coming back there was a guy from my neighborhood who I personally knew who was a pretty rough dude in and out of jail and he was sober for a while and I knew he was sober and I knew this guy's background I said if he could stay sober maybe there's something and I kept coming back but I didn't do anything else but he was the only reason I kept coming back because I didn't believe anybody else and I was crazy as a bed bug you know I remember I volunteered to sit up chairs me and this other guy who was just as sick as I was and you know how alcoholics don't like change so we decided we were going to set the chairs up at this meeting and they're set up a particular way and we came in on Tuesday night we got there a half hour early and we changed them facing another direction and the following Tuesday we got there we got to bed a half hour early and we put them in the other direction and we got to bed a half hour early and we got to bed a half hour early week three we turned them completely around like when you come into the meeting it's usually the back of the room but when you came into the meeting that night you were facing the front of the room they cornered us after that meeting the old timers and they sent like these real big guys and they you can still set these chairs up next week but we want them set up a particular way and that's how nuts I was you know I made meetings but man that's all I did I just made meetings and I was crazy as a bed bug I was sitting in this bar because they sold real good roast beef right and I'm drinking seltzer out of a rock glass and that's the truth I mean 16 years that's why I said I was there because they sold real good roast beef but the deal was the really reason I was there because again I'm an arrogant guy and towards the end of my drinking especially you know a lot of things going on I was getting a lot of negative publicity and I wanted people don't believe the hype I'm back things are good and this is happening that's why I was there I was a show off but a couple guys came in and you know they were breaking my stones wanted to knock me down a couple pegs and I found I had enough and I'm drinking like seltzer out of a rock glass and I just stood up and I punched this guy in the face with the glass and I cut him severely he bled like a pig and the cops the uniformed guys who handled the job they came in and they knew me and they cut me a break and they let me go and that's where I learned my lessons about people places and things and I have since found a place that sells real good roast beef without being in that type of environment I didn't need to be there it's a hell of a lesson to learn but you know that's what it was I was sober a year and I told my story in my home group you told your story when it was your anniversary and it was an incredible experience I got done speaking it was thunderous applause the blind could see the lame walked it was really incredible and people came up and they patted me on the back and said Bobby you're doing so good I lied during my entire story the fact that I identified myself as an alcoholic because of my home group at that time you couldn't talk about anything else I couldn't I did not believe I was an alcoholic in fact but I was repeating everything you wanted to hear because I'm a pretty bright guy I knew what the deal was so I can give all that stuff right back to you in fact during the course of my story a bottle of beer appeared in my head but you guys didn't want to hear that you wanted to hear all the quotes and I gave you everything you wanted to hear and when you patted me on the back and said Bobby you're doing so good I was dying inside man I loved them old timers but I hated them you know and because they would like invite me afterwards to go out and I would say no but then when they wouldn't invite me out I would get mad at them because they didn't invite me out but whenever they invited me I would say no I was just nuts I swear to God I'm not proud of this you know God is my judge my home group we had a court board first name last initial day of the month and how many years you celebrate and anniversaries in a month I'm not proud of this but you know the truth I'm big on time because seniority of time means a lot right if Joey A got three years and Bobby C got two years and Joey A went out I said good for him I move up I said good for him you know I swear to God I had no idea who John Barleycorn was I was wondering why everybody was blowing this guy's anonymity I said he must be really tough SOB I wouldn't want to tangle with him when I found out who John Barleycorn was I felt so stupid but here I was I was so damn bright it damn near killed me you know my early recovery my first couple years I used to go to like go-go bars right I drank soda and I would get my pictures taken like with the entertainers and I would come to meetings and pass them around to the old timers because I figured they would like that they would look at the picture and they would look at me and they would shake their head and I said please kid please keep coming back and I thought they were being facetious I said alright I'll keep coming back I was nuts no one asked me to be their sponsor no one wanted what the hell I had I didn't carry the message I carried the disease I swear to God I go to meetings and get my hand up and share something I go to the men's room or get something to drink and people next to me they see next to me be empty they move to the other side of the room then I try to glare I'm staring them down I was nuts I was 23 months sober and I beat another man with a baseball bat I forget what step I was working that day I swear to God you know one day these guys came up to me and you know you know how you can trick new people you ask them questions without giving them a chance to formulate the lie they came up to me and said Bobby are you working this weekend and I knew what I should have said but before I knew it like no came out off the tip of my tongue I said no I'm not they said good we're going on a retreat this weekend and we're going to take you on a retreat with us now see I'm still not saying the prayer and these guys you know these guys go to retreats a lot and they're doing their deal and so but I couldn't tell these guys about my mom you know I mean what would they think of me but I really want to be liked by these guys I want to hang out with these guys but they kind of put me in a spot so we're going going up to the retreat it's funny usually at work I drive the cars and my people prisoners are in the back seat here I am I'm in the back seat with a guy on each side of me it's like role reversal I guess they're afraid I'm going to jump out as we get closer to the retreat house the knot in my stomach gets bigger but I still can't tell these guys the deal but the need for me to be accepted by these guys outweighs anything else so I'm willing to put myself in this terrible situation you know we get at the retreat house I'm there about 15 minutes when I run across the retreat master he gave me a big old smile he's my disciplinarian from high school but not only that he was a long time member of Alcoholics Anonymous and man he was so happy I still remember man his face lit up and he hugged me he said it's great to see you we start talking he wants to know how long I'm sober I'm telling him he said good where are you going to meetings I'm telling him he said good he said who's your sponsor I said I ain't got one he said I'm a pretty bright guy and he knew that he knew I was a bright guy he said I strongly suggest you get a sponsor and I said okay so I asked my roommate to be my sponsor God forbid should I ever be questioned again Bobby you got a sponsor yeah there it goes right there there's my sponsor and I never talked to the sponsor the only time I talked to him is when I accidentally bumped to him in the meetings and he would say to me Bobby I still got that same phone number I said yeah yeah I'll give you a call I never called him know what I used to do I said you won't believe this guy he got me doing this he got me doing that he did that he didn't do nothing I made it up he put the hand of AA out there I slapped it away then I character assassinated him in the boot I was just nuts I swear to God my second anniversary come I didn't celebrate it one month afterwards I went to eat my gun the same pathetic feeling I had 25 months before but 25 months before I'm loaded with drugs and alcohol here I am stone cold sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I went to eat my gun safe to assume my life is unmanageable I'm at a meeting one night and that guy troubles no one called him the guy from my neighborhood no one called him troubles to his face because he was a pretty rough guy but I saw him and I knew he was for real because it wasn't in the rooms of AA it was out in the neighborhood you know where I saw him walking the walk and I went up to him one day after a meeting 25 months over I said Bobby I said I need some help I said would you help me would you be my sponsor he looked at me he said Bobby I need to tell you I've been watching these past couple years and I'm sticking my chest out I said yeah he likes me and I need to tell you he said you're full of shit that's not the response I'm looking for he said I'm going to be your sponsor under certain conditions A you're going to call me every single day A you're going to call me A you're going to go to a big book meeting a week A you're going to go to a step meeting a week A you're going to go to a men's meeting a week A you're going to leave them damn women alone A and you're going to get yourself a coffee commitment and I'm saying to myself who's he talking to I'm 25 months sober I'm selling the grapevines I got it going on here but what I did do I looked him dead in the eye I said okay I'm willing to do that and that's the night that I took the first three steps like I said I want to eat my gun you know and it's safe to assume my life was unmanageable and I knew that was powerless over alcohol like I said I hated everybody but you know who I hated the most I hated the new guys because they were getting better before me because I'm big about time you know I'm sober a little over two years and I see this kid got a year and he got this glow about him the reason he got the glow was he was taking the steps he was taking the action I wasn't taking the action and I hated everybody but I hated these guys so I knew as much as I hated God and the resentment was still there I hated God but I knew God was working because these guys I hated the most these new guys I saw them come in and they were in terrible shape and I saw them get better before my eyes so I knew something was happening and I needed to latch on to that and I needed to sort my crap out between religion and understanding this was spiritual but I just couldn't do it you know I could intellectualize it but I wasn't about to brace it and it caused me a lot of problems but my sponsor said Bobby are you just willing to believe are you just willing and I said I am he said good and then we got together on our knees and we said the third step prayer and then he got up after the prayer and he told me he said Bobby there's a difference between making a decision and making a commitment and what we do now is we start writing an inventory I said whoa easy does it don't want to get well too soon and all these other slogans I don't want to do one of these I'm going to meetings and people talking about inventories oh don't be doing one of them and you're staring inside now you drink you know you're going to go out I said I was about to eat my gun you can't get no further out than that what did I have to lose I did my inventory very reluctantly and you know what it wasn't that bad everything I wrote down I did no big deal the big deal was the next one talking to him about it but I'm a bright guy I got it figured out I called him up I said Bobby I want to go and retreat this weekend I'm going to do my fifth step with a priest he said Bobby that's great when you get done stop by my house you do it with me and you know how sponsors can be on the phone sometimes like you know like telepath they're like don't you get it and he must have picked up on it too he said Bobby I heard you he said did you hear me and he went on to say he said my job is your sponsor this is journey I'm supposed to walk you through these steps if I want to help you change I think I need to know what we need to change now the real deal is even though I got God in the church on my resentment list when I went to do when I wanted to do this fifth step with a priest it wasn't to be spiritually enlightened there were a lot of things in my inventory that I was embarrassed about but I just knew in my training as a kid whatever I said to the priest would stay between me and the priest I was afraid to go to my sponsor because of the things I've done that he would ridicule me he would pass judgment on me or even worse he would tell other people what I did and that's what I thought which just goes to show you that fear list wasn't quite complete so what I did I did that fifth step with my sponsor I never did it with the priest and those things turned out to be unfounded fears he didn't laugh at me didn't ridicule me at all didn't pass judgment on me and to the best of my knowledge he never told anybody else in fact you know what he did he shared some of his stuff with me which took away the terminal uniqueness that I was the only person in the world to have done certain things and I'll be forever grateful for him for doing that you know at the end of the fifth step he made me sit in his house he had a quiet room set up in his house I guess he didn't trust me that I would get sidetracked once I left his house and I sat quietly for that hour and I can only talk about my experience and you know what no bushes on fire lightning bolts and all that but you know what it was the screaming inside stopped now that may not sound like a lot but at this point I'm probably you know maybe 34 35 months sober for me it's an incredible experience because my head was always racing and the voices inside stopped you know six and seven character defects I didn't know what these were I knew when I drank I was a character I found out when I did my inventory that I had no character whatsoever you couldn't trust I was not trustworthy I was unreliable I was a rotten son brother you know uncle worker I was nothing selfish and self-centered to the extreme you know the sixth step I became willing and the seventh step was a prayer but my sponsor told me he said Bobby you need to put legs on those prayers you know and I got a laundry list of character defects and I can pray all day God help me help me like for patience God help me be patient help me be patient but as I drive home tomorrow as I'm traveling north on 95 should somebody cut me out and I chase him five miles giving him the finger that prayer for patience goes out the window he told me that God would do for me what I couldn't do for myself but it is a program of action you know you know and the eighth step because of I didn't burn my fourth step when I did step five most of my eighth step was done now I was one of these guys before so whoa I didn't harm anybody but myself right there should have been the tip off I never did my inventory because when I did my inventory like I said I harmed everybody but those closest to me I harmed the most the ninth step direct amends no phone calls no letters from me because I didn't beat you with a bat over the phone or through the mail you know and when I want to take those other measures you know I can tell you lots of reasons but the deal is it's probably fear I'm afraid of the outcome my sponsor said direct amends Bobby not indirect and I'd like to share two experiences on the ninth step I was in a meeting I guess about it was about 14 years ago in North Philadelphia and it was a guy who I saw come down the steps I have not seen this guy since 1977 he is not on my fear he's not on my amends not for any other reason but I just plain forgot you know out of sight out of mind and they say more will be revealed but as soon as he came down the steps I recognized him I know him right away and what I used to do I remember in a bar he and I had words one day and he would not react so from that point on whenever I wanted to impress anybody how tough I was or how nuts I was I would publicly humiliate this guy you know the verbal taunts you know and one day I slapped him and one day I spit on him I mean what worse thing can you do to another human being the utter degradation you know and I'm not a tough guy I never was you know but I saw this guy right away but he didn't recognize me you know I guess they say sober up we clean up right so he comes and he's sitting at the front table and I'm just floored that I see this guy and I'm looking at him and he's looking at me like why is this guy looking at me and I stand up I get introduced and I look this guy dead in the eye I said my name is Bobby Coyle and I'm an alcoholic now I need to tell you why I use my full name I love the traditions I know they're top secret stuff we won't even mention concepts but you know these traditions a lot of them were misunderstood and no more so than this 11th tradition you know all of a sudden we get sober it's like we join the mafia right we take on nicknames you know there's Bucktooth Mary and Frank the Fox Frank the Fox Mike the Monk Pepsi George I mean you get all these nicknames you know all of a sudden I don't want no one in my neighborhood I'm a drunk I'm in AA but everyone in my neighborhood knows I'm a drunk because there's little telltale signs they come outside they catch me I'm urinating on their car my girlfriend threw the clothes out the window I'm slumped behind the wheel of my car strolled out everybody knows I'm a raven lunatic drunk but God forbid my reputation should be tarnished by going to AA you know the 11th tradition is real clear personal anonymity at the level of press radio and film that means you will never see my full face or my full name which is Robert Ignatius Benedict Coyle the third stating I am a member of Echo Hawks Anonymous that's the 11th tradition Dr. Bob went on to say and Dr. Bob and the good old timers I was always told cite the source Dr. Bob said when one drunk is anonymous from another drunk that is a violation of the 11th tradition he went on to say that anonymity is spiritually inspired and secrecy is fear inspired however I have no right whatsoever to break anybody else's anonymity I was very involved in service back home and we use our full names and that's what we choose to do but I have no right whether you agree with me or not I have no right to break your anonymity so that's just a personal decision I use my full name because God forbid 3 o'clock in the morning you feel like drinking what are you going to do call information yeah I'd like to have Bucktooth Mary's phone number you know or you want to go visit her visit one of these old timers in a hospital I'm here to see Frank the Fox you know you're out of luck you know so off that soapbox back to my story I looked this guy dead in the eye said my name is Bobby Cuyo I'm an alcoholic and he looked at me he smiled he remembered and when I got done speaking like I said making amends is much more than saying I'm sorry because for me there was two words that meant squat it's about righting the wrong and I looked this guy dead in the eye and I told the group what I did and that wasn't to grandstand I thought if I publicly humiliate him the least I could do was make amends to him publicly and I told the group what I used to do to him and I looked him in the eye I looked him dead in the eye and said Bob I'm truly sorry and as long as I stay sober I hope I never treat another human being the way I treated you you know what he came up and he hugged me it was an incredible experience now at the end of the meeting we start talking I said Bob what's going on I ain't seen you in years and how you doing how you doing he said Bobby he said I'm sober three years and I'm not going to walk synonymous now the arrogance kicks in because I'm very involved in service back home and I figured everybody knows who I am but I ain't never seen this guy now I need to tell you I live in South Philadelphia he lives in Roxborough which is considered like Northwest Philadelphia the meeting we're at is in North Philadelphia and I'm talking to which is a meeting neither of us would either attend on our own so I said what brings you here tonight he said Bobby I was flipping through the meeting directory tonight and I was just looking for a different meeting and for some reason this meeting jumped out at me and I said now I need to tell you we had 1600 meetings a week our meeting directory is 70 pages thick and he said this meeting jumped out at me I am a firm believer that my God put that guy in my path and I could do two things I could do what I did then or I could do what I did most of the time see the advantage of having eight siblings in a nine year span is that there's always a close resemblance so when people come up to me say you're Bobby I say no no you got me confused you're talking about my brother Brian or my brother Sean not me which I always did I used to put the blame on them you know so that's what I did it was an incredible experience now on the flip side of that another example the ninth step my home group was the Stepping Stones group of Philadelphia and I was at a business meeting one day and I made a motion for the betterment of AA I know because I made it it had to be after discussion the moment doesn't even get the motion doesn't even get seconded it's unbelievable because a friend of mine is there and I grew up in a neighborhood you know we maybe had some warped rules you know but this is the deal you always backed your boy right wrong or indifferent you backed your boy that's just the way it was another rule was like you can never date anybody's ex like if you and I hung out together and you dated back in the third grade I'm sorry I could never date you because you went out with John it's a crazy rule but you know it's a rule so but I could not believe that my boy Freddie did not second the motion and I was mad at him and I would never talk to him again and I remember I was at work one day and one of my co-workers who was also in the program he came up to me he said Bobby he said Freddie Wheels is outside he wanted to take care of some sort of business I peeked out the window I saw him I said you know what tell him to take his fat ass down to City Hall he cannot do that here and then a few weeks later that same co-worker called me up he said Bobby he said Freddie Wheels died last night and he said the reason I'm calling you is because he always spoke so highly of you now here he was a friend of mine and as God is my judge I cannot tell you what that motion was about that's how petty it was he was putting my path many many times and I chose not to make amends you know I would go into the room and there would be four men there I'd say hi to three of them and ignore him completely and the moment my co-worker said Bobby he always spoke so highly of you I felt about yea big and I've been praying for Freddie ever since you know so that's two experiences on the ninth step see the key word my sponsor pointed out to me in that ninth step is wherever possible see not whenever because whenever denotes time denotes place and wherever is time no whenever is time wherever is place and it's never the right time because I'm too busy easy doesn't it you know so the tenth step for me is nothing but four to a nine on a regular basis now if I'm going to stand up and tell you I do a tenth step every day that'd not be true I'm pretty good with it and I used to say when I'm not doing a tenth step every day no one knows but me that's not true either because when I'm not practicing these principles I operate in nitwit mode should you cross my path in nitwit mode you're also affected and it's amazing you know I laugh sometimes you know because I'm really I'm consistent with this but you know what sometimes I try to kick back and stay sober in yesterday's sobriety and it bites me in my backside every time you know and I laugh to myself I'm like when are you ever going to figure this out you know I mean you can't stay sober in yesterday's sobriety I've been on some good loads and sooner or later I came to you know so you had to keep on drinking to maintain the load the same thing on sobriety I can't stay sober in yesterday's sobriety the eleventh step it's a through prayer and meditation and I do that you know I certainly don't want to tell you how I pray and meditate because I don't want to offend anybody you know up to this point I've been giving you my experience I'm about to give you my opinion which I hardly ever do but when I do I qualify it this is my opinion I am so glad that Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the freedom to pray and meditate in such a way because if there was a particular way I would not be here today and I believe that that's one of the miracles of Alcoholics Anonymous it gives that freedom and I have tried many things throughout my years and I'm comfortable doing what I do today it's very special I do it on a regular basis and it works for me so to improve my conscious contact with God it works you know the twelfth step having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps we try to carry this message that's the message of Alcoholics Anonymous I have been to thousands of meetings and sometimes I hear some things like I look up the slogans and make sure I'm in an AA meeting that's the message of Alcoholics Anonymous but my sponsor tells me about that word try see I went through my evangelical stage in recovery you know and I went to run around a point this is the way to do it and this is the only way to do it when I got done I went to close the book and backhand you with it to make sure it sunk in you know what I remember I had an old timer come up to me after a meeting one time he said you know what kid he said you really got a nice message he said but you offend people the way you come off he said remember it's not what you say it's the way you say things and you know what he told me in such a love and loving way I'm glad he did because if he told me any other way I would have probably told him to go to hell but he came up and he told me in such a way and you know what it was important for me and you know I guess I've kind of mellowed out it's one of the stages of growth you know growing through recovery you know but the most important part of that 12 step is to practice these principles in all of our affairs I'm only in an AA meeting an hour and a half a day but what about the other 22 and a half hours what about the time on the job or the time in my neighborhood where for me it's tough to stay sober you know for me it's easy to stay sober I've never seen anyone drink in rooms of alcoholics I've seen people under the influence but I've never seen no one drink in an AA meeting you know it's easy for me to stay sober here but out there when I've got to practice these principles that's where it gets kind of tough you know and it's important you know and 12 step work takes many different forms and fashions you know I got involved in service and I found about the traditions now I love the traditions now in early meetings I didn't like the traditions I thought there were rules you know and in my line of work we don't like to follow the rules we love to enforce them they're for other people but they're not for us but they're not rules they're guidelines based on experience and the steps are how it works and the traditions are why it works you know the traditions are to the group but the steps are to the individuals and just the whole fascinating history about the traditions I love that stuff so I got involved in service and I started learning about the traditions and I got involved in service and I started going to all the meetings outside my neighborhood and I remember the very first time I went outside my neighborhood the first thought was man they're doing it wrong and I found out you know it took me a while a little while a long while to figure it out they weren't doing it wrong the message was the same the delivery may be different you know you know some groups open up with a surrender prayer and some close some do this some do that the message is the same the delivery is different and now I'm fascinated I love when I do a lot of traveling I love to see the way AA is in different areas you know I got involved in service and I was going to be the youngest delegate ever to the general service conference who that delegate was and how old they were from area 59 I had no idea but it was going to be me because be careful of people with aspirations in service you know that's sick I got involved in service I was on my way now I need to tell you I love service I really do and I guess I'm going to give my opinion again real quick I get uncomfortable when people say that service you know that's about you know that's about power and politics that has not been my experience some of the most selfless people that I have known have been through service you know I mean there's a lot of times I would like to stay home and watch the flyers by the way they won today Smarty Jones too Smarty Jones it was a good day for Philly sports they build us up they'll break our heart later so it goes to the neighborhood so but I love service you know and there are a lot of times I would like to lay up and watch a game or whatever I remember my sponsor one time about 12 years old Holmesburg was still open he took me up he said Bobby he said we're going to go up to Holmesburg and I said at first I said no I'm going to go up to Holmesburg I said no I'm not going he said you are I said I'm not he said you are I said okay because I didn't think I could go up there because I thought like you need it because of what I was doing for a living I can't go up there he said Bobby they're not interested in that it's a message of hope that's what you carry and I said okay now this was about a month before the commitment and I remember as we get closer to the commitment the commitment was on a Monday night the Eagles were playing Monday night football they're playing the Cowboys that's what I said right so I called my sponsor up I said you know I'm trying to make some sort of excuse he said no he saw right through it he said Bobby Bobby you gave me your word it's a commitment and by the way if you pick up a drink I don't think Randall Conahans is going to come over and 12-step your ass so you got to come so we went on the commitment and we went up to Holmesburg and it's a process to get buzzed in and all this other stuff right we get there no one shows up they're all on the block watching the game now I really got an attitude as I'm leaving Holmesburg and the Holmesburg's account is I say to one of the CEOs, I guess all your drunks must be up at Greatersford, right, at the state correctional facility. And he didn't know what the hell he was talking about. And I'm driving home, and my sponsor, he picks up on my attitude. He says, Bobby, you don't get it, you selfish SOB. He said, we were here just in case. We're here to carry the message. We are responsible for the effort, not the outcome. And you know what? I met him after work that night. We had dinner. So we spent a total of maybe four, four and a half hours together. I got home. I still was able to catch the fourth quarter, you know. But the deal was, you know what? That's what we're supposed to do. I am responsible. When anyone anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to always be there. And for that, I'm responsible. I can't worry about anyone else. Because you know why? Because there were old-timers there for me, you know, who put up with all my lies and crazy behavior and everything else. And they sat patiently, and they never kicked me out of Alcoholics Anonymous. They just said, please keep coming back, kid, you know. I was in Mexico in 1993. I thought I could speak. I could speak Spanish. Those poor people are probably still figuring out what the hell I said. I was the only English-speaking person in a Spanish-speaking meeting. And my Spanish, since I worked in North Philadelphia, consisted of Dame Pistola, which is give me your gun. So I'm speaking. I thought I could speak Spanish. And I could tell by their look that they didn't understand. So I switched over to English. And you know what? They still didn't understand. But you know what? At the end of the meeting, they came up and they hugged me. And I could tell who the old-timer was by the surrender in their face. And I could tell who the new guy was. And I could tell who the new guy was by the pain in the face. You know what? They didn't understand. But you know what? They understood. Language of the heart. Incredible experience, you know. When I talk about when I had aspirations to be the delegate, you know, you've got to go through the process. You're DCM, an area officer. I had one of those positions. And in 1993, I got diagnosed with lung cancer. And it was a pretty fluke way that I found out. I was training to run a marathon. I went to run Boston. You need to do a qualifying marathon to do that. And I was training for the Marine Corps Marathon. And I wound up getting. Something was going on. So I went to get a second opinion after it got confirmed. And it was confirmed lung cancer. I never smoked in my life. A little reefer for a short period of time. But I never smoked a cigarette. No big deal, right? And I remember when I came home, I was stunned, you know. And you call me sober for a while. I'm doing the deal. I got things happening. And I didn't handle this well. And I remember my sponsor at the time. He said, Bobby, what are you going to do about this? And I went through, you know, the chemo and then radiation. And I. I bounced back. I did pretty good. And then I got sick again. It came back fairly quickly. And they had to get aggressive. And they wound up having to remove the lower left lobe of my lung, you know. And I really got sick there for a bit. And I finally had to give up my position. And, you know, because I wanted to hold on to it out of ego. But the deal was I just couldn't do the job, you know. And I knew that the area would be better served if someone else took the position. And I gave it up reluctantly. But I knew it was the best thing to do. But then I was laid up in my house. I always. I always made meetings. But I couldn't even make meetings anymore because I was very sick. And people start coming to my house to carry the meeting. Carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm just not talking about people I knew, like, from my home group or from my neighborhood. I'm talking about people that I met maybe once or twice at the assembly. You know. You're looking at a liar, thief, and a cheat. I took from everyone. But the only thing I gave was heartache and misery. And they came to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, I'm a firm believer that my doctors did a pretty good job. But it was definitely the prayers and Alcoholics that helped me. You know. And I bounced back. I was doing good. I was, like, one month shy of five years. I had been in complete remission. I got sick again. And I just finished up treatment. It was, like, 15 months ago since I had my last treatment. You know, my hair grew back. And now I get a little belly. I never had one of them. And I glow in the dark. But other than that, I'm doing pretty good. You know. I'm doing pretty good. You know. I thought maybe I had an excuse to go out and get loaded. But you know what? I really didn't have a reason to go out and get loaded. I had a pretty good life. And because I practiced these practices. Very reluctantly. But just the same. You know what? I got to embrace life. There's a lot of things I've done in my past that if I could change in a heartbeat, I could. And I'm not even talking about drinking. I'm talking about sober. I did some things I'm not proud of. But I can't change it. You know. But you know what? As I went through the steps, not only did the obsession to drink was removed from me, which is a miracle. But most importantly, my past. I can't change my past. But the steps enabled me to change my attitude about my past. And my past is no longer the albatross that it was. You know. I have a lot of rewards. And none of them are financial. It's the intangibles you can't put a price on. I'm talking about true friendship. You know. Peace of mind. You know. It's just a wonderful way of life. You know. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. One of my favorite sayings is, we absolutely insist on enjoying life. If the newcomer could see no joy in our existence, they wouldn't want nothing to do with us. Now, obviously, I just paraphrased that last sentence. Bill Wilson is much more eloquent than I am. But you catch the deal. You know. And I said. Just put this out for the new guy. Because if you're here tonight. And you think. Oh, my Christ. My life is over. I've got to wear the hair shirt. I've got to beat myself. Man, you're greatly mistaken. Your life is just starting. Whatever you did drunk, you can do stone cold sober. And you can be better at it. You can have more fun. And most of all, you can remember it. It's a blast. I alluded a couple of times. I mentioned the passing. Now, I'm a mummer. Third generation mummer, as a matter of fact. You know. Now, I know quite a few of you guys are from the area. But there may be a few people here. I don't know if Irene knows what a mummer is. So, I'll tell her. And for the benefit of others. Mummers is. It's a parade that's been going on in Philadelphia for hundreds of years. You know. And in 1901, the city finally had to organize the mayhem. Because it was getting nuts. What it is. It's a bunch of men in sequins, feathers, and makeup. And we dance and play instruments in the middle of the street. Now, I've done the fifth step. I'm free. You know. It doesn't matter. In fact, you know what. There was a documentary that came out about a year ago. Called Strut. And there was a guy in there. And he said. He said. You're not a man until you're going up Broad Street in heels. It's a great line. But it's a great time. What it is. It's like a cross between the Mardi Gras and the Full Monty. It's a blast. I tell people. I think we make the Mardi Gras look like a bunch of Mormons. And it's on New Year's Day. And it's bitter cold. And there's drinking. And there's. You know. It's. To be honest. It's the only day of the year that I'm in Philadelphia where people get along. You know. Seriously. You know. Whatever neighborhood you're from. Black or white. For some reason. I mean. They say the city of brotherly love. That's definitely a misnomer. But on New Year's Day. On New Year's Day. We do get along. And I just think that's cool. And. But it's a drunk fest. So. Thirteen years ago. I'm at the Steppenstones. A midnight meeting. Telling my story. I'm a lifelong mummer. I'm sober a couple years at this point. I have not marched in the two previous parades. Because I'm sober. A kid came up to me afterwards. He said. Bobby. Would you be interested in marching the parade this year? I said. Man. You're out of your mind. People placing their things. I got no business being there. He said. You don't understand. He said. We're starting a group. Of sober mummers. Called the Twelve Steppers. Now. Sober mummers. That's definitely an oxymoron. So. Twelve years ago. This past. This past New Year's. Was our twelfth year. Up the street. As the Twelve Steppers. New Year's Brigade. For me. It was my thirty-fourth parade. Here I am. Able to do something. That was a big part of my family. I'm able. To do it sober. Now. Obviously. When we get to City Hall. We do a head count. To make sure no one got pulled in the crowd. I brought them behind. But the reason I put. And in 1999. Our brigade came in first place. As blessed. So. If you can do. The strut. On New Year's Day. Sober. Anything is possible. You know. This is. Put on by the area. Service. Service is important. I want to close with this. The Twelve Step. Takes many different forms. And fashion. You know. I am a firm believer. That every person. In this room. Has a gift. It may be different. Than the person next to you. But it's your gift. You know. I did corrections for a while. And I know corrections. Aren't for everyone. For any number of reasons. But there's other types of work. You can do. There's treatment facilities committee. There's. You know. There's. There's corrections. There's telephone volunteer. There's a CPC. That's CPC. Not PCP. CPC. Cooperation. With professional community. You take people to open meetings. You know. With professional students. You can get involved. In the inner group. Or the area. If you have time. Some people can just stay home. And answer phones. Putting this conference on. Is a Twelve Step event. You know. Some guys make great coffee. Some people work with newcomers. Behind the scenes. Some people are real good organizers. And some people are good with checkbooks. And there are some people. Who probably should never ever. Be in that leader checkbook. But you know what the deal is. And I'm a firm believer. Like I said. You just got to find out. What your gift is. It's a wonderful way of life. If you're new. Please get a home group. Get a sponsor. Get involved. It's the whole bowl of wax. It's just not one thing. I know people who did certain things. And they went out and get loaded. But you know what. I don't want you to think. That recovery is like a lottery. And one day. It spins on you. And it's your day to drink. That's not true. It does not work that way. You know. I've known people. Who've done the deal. Day in. Day out. You know. And all I have. Is a daily reprieve. Contingent on my spiritual maintenance. I'm not drunk proof. But you know what. I got a pretty good shot. I'm not picking up a drink. If I follow the directions. That have been laid. In front of me. By the newcomers. By the old timers. You know. So if you're new. Please keep coming back. It's a wonderful way of life. And I thank you. For the privilege. Of participating in the AA meeting. Thank you.