Higher Power Is Extremely Stingy with Willingness — Just Enough for One Day at a Time, Never Big Chunks – Sister B.

To introduce our speaker for this morning, Sister Bea from Brea, California. Give her a big hand. My name is Bea and I'm an alcoholic. As Peggy said last night before I get carried away with myself, I would like to thank the committee for inviting me. And I think I identify so strongly with what she had to say yesterday when she said that she felt love here. And the moment I got off the airplane, where I usually feel like holly hobby and that nobody knows me or cares, and I know that I'm abandoned for the rest of my entire life. And if any of you do abandonment, please see me because I do abandonment best of all. In fact, I call myself the queen of abandonment and the queen of being orphaned and lonely and afraid. But two wonderful people met me at the airport and ever since I've just felt enveloped by your love and by your protection and by your care. And that's the miracle. And the magic of this wonderful program called Alcoholics Anonymous, of which I am totally privileged to be a member. What I came all this way to tell you was that everything in my life was wonderful until I got to be two. Now I don't know what kind of a schedule you all have today, but I have, my airplane leaves at five. So I don't know of any story that's as boring as my own. And so my recovery gets a little bit exciting here. But if you want to go to sleep after this long evening you had, you may do so. I do have a friend I'm going to meet here today whom I have not seen for 17 years, so I'm anxious to get this over with too to see him. But let me tell you though that when Peggy was talking last night about how she felt inside when she was a little girl, that was me. Except that I always, you know, felt what I call scrunched. Do you know what I mean? Scrunched is, it's like, eh, in here and all this pain is going on, but you're performing real well on the outside. And people usually think that you're doing okay. It's interesting that in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's a story, I think it's called Freedom from Bondage, and it talks about the mental twists that brought us to this moment. And I identify with that a lot because I know that the causes and conditions that led me to... the point of my alcoholism were what I have to deal with today. I continued being miserable from year two because my father and mother did something extraordinarily unpleasant for me, and that was they had another baby in the family. Now, in Ireland, they didn't ask my permission for that, and I don't know why, too, but they didn't, and they went on having more babies. And every time they had one, it seemed like that my place in the world was being taken. Somebody was taking it over. And I was to come to Alcoholics Anonymous 100 years later to find out that I'm written about on page 62. That's me. That paragraph is me. That selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our problem, and we just assume that we're meant for the center. I just assumed that. Now, my parents didn't know that part, so they went on giving a lot of love and attention to these other children, and I always felt left out. I don't know. I know that none of you have ever felt like this, but I need to tell you and be honest about my own story. And so I was rolling along with these four little other ones in that family younger than myself, and when I got to be to the wonderful age of eight, a tremendous tragedy happened in our family, and that was that my daddy, whom I loved, went to work. And then he never did come home. He was killed in an accident, and he just left us. Now, I didn't know how to do grief or sadness or mourning or anything that was appropriate to do then. I just knew that there was this big empty space somewhere and that he wasn't there, and our family was all different, and I was even more scrunched and more left out and more forlorn and more abandoned. And my mommy brought me. She brought me into our spare room. We had a spare room, and when she wanted to tell us anything really serious, she took us in there, and she brought me in and she said, I want you to help me to raise these children. And I would love to tell you that I flew from Orange County to tell you that I grew up that day, but I haven't done so yet. I'm working on this. But what I remembered I did was I went into my room and I put away my dolls. I was so interested when Peggy was talking about Mugsy last night. My heart was bleeding for Mugsy because I love my little dolly. Her name was Sheila, and I just told her she could no longer have me as a parent because I had to take care of other children who were real, live children, and she was to stay there and keep quiet for all these years. And so I put her away, and I only retrieved her some years ago, and I've been collecting dolls since. I don't tell too many people that. Because it's a little bit embarrassing, but it really is therapeutic for me. And so I went on helping my mom to raise these children. And my mother was widowed at 32, and she just assumed we would all be widowed at 32. Moms do that, I suppose, sometimes. And so she was very particular that we would all be educated, that we would all be perfect. You know what perfection is. And so she was really a very... pushy lady, and really wanted us to do well and to succeed. And she particularly wanted me to be that person. And when I got into my teenage years, I started to think of what I could do with the rest of my life that would make me spectacular. And ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to tell you that I didn't have this in mind. I didn't do today. And so I did what most people do in their teenage years. I started thinking about what I would do, you know, with the rest of my life. And... Well, I decided to become a saint. That's what I decided to do. And when I hear this read every time, my feelings used to get so hurt in Alcoholics Anonymous, because it says we are not saints. And in order to do that, I didn't know any other way to do this at the time. But in those dark ages, the only thing I knew to become a saint was to become a Catholic nun. Now, I know with an audience as large as this, there's at least two of you who might be... You're covering Catholics. And maybe four of you who have no intention of doing that. And... But what I need to tell you, all of you right now, is that whatever hang-up you might have about any church, and especially the Catholic Church, I just want to let you know that I didn't do it to you. When I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I used to carry the burden of the entire church on my shoulders, you know. And I was responsible for all the things the popes did, and the priests did, and the nuns did, and, oh, God, the stories got worse. And what I learned to do, you know, here in Alcoholics Anonymous, when I come to these round-ups and conventions, I do a lot of swimming, as some of you know. I listen to the talk at the swimming pool, and they say, well, who's going to be the speaker? They say, oh, she's a nun. God, a nun. I was trying to listen this morning, but they didn't do that. It was wonderful. But anyway, you know, there are lots of people in the world, and what I found out, and please don't tell my sponsor this, because I'm not allowed... I'm not allowed to use language like this where I come from. And I have a friend who's here today, Joan. She's from my home group. But my sponsor doesn't like me to talk like this, but I just need you to know here in San Jose that there are assholes everywhere. You know? There are quite a number of them I found in the Catholic Church. There are, I imagine, some in the Lutheran Church. A few Baptists I found are a little, you know, on the edge there. A few Jewish people I've met who are a little asshole, have a little bit of assholeism. And then, believe it or not, folks, I have found one or two in Alcoholics Anonymous. But, you know, they just don't tell anybody that. And so, anyway, I got into this, what I call this nunny business. And to clarify myself, because I don't wear nunny clothes to these get-ups, I don't... I still am a nun, and I have been a nun for 38 years. And I'm planning... Thank you. I'm planning on continuing in that lifestyle, and it just is marvelous. I'll tell you the truth. It's wonderful. And I'm sure you're wondering, but what happened to her, and where did she get it? Where did she get the booze? You're all dying to know that. Don't let me forget to tell you. Well, I didn't get it for a long time, but all I know was that, you know, in my early years, it was wonderful. The nuns thought I was great, and I knew how to do things. My mom had taught me well, and she was a schoolteacher, and she had taught me how to do schoolteacher things. And so I was kind of capable. And they decided to send me on to do some further study, and they sent me to the University of London, and I worked hard, and I was going to be the best teacher in the British Isles, and then I was going to become a missionary and go to other countries and teach other people how to become wonderful people, you know, and on and on. I was very ambitious and very alert and very active in my mind. And when I was finished with my education at that time, I went to teach in a school in England, on the northeast coast of England, in Lincolnshire. And I had a wonderful class of little children. I loved children, loved them. And I lived with a community of sisters, and I had a school principal, and I had teachers I worked with. And there was an interesting thing happened to me, a very interesting thing happened. And it happened here between my ears that Peggy was talking about. You know these voices that she was talking about last night? Wonderful analogy of how they go. But this voice in my head went off rather loudly and clearly, and it has done so several times since. And the voice would say, if only they would shape up, I'd feel better. Now, I know you don't know about that voice. You've never heard that. But that voice would go on a lot. And this hole and this emptiness that was in my gut, and I don't know for sure where my gut is. I think it's behind my belly button. But it would get sore, and I would feel, if only I could get them to change, then I would be better. If only I could change the environment, then things would be different. If only they could put the furniture here or they could fix that there, then it would all be different. And one day, my prayer was answered, I thought. I came home from school, and there was a letter from our Major Superior back in Ireland. And she had written to us, and she said, would any of you like to go to California? We were starting a new place in California. And of course, being the heroic person that I always was, and grandiose too, I signed up. I was going to be this martyr and go and leave my country and leave everything and go to California. And of course, I knew that you would all be waiting for me at Los Angeles Airport in August of 1964, and that you would all be in Southern California. You'd have come down from here, wherever you were, and you'd be surrounding me, and you'd all send your children for me to teach them, and to teach them how to teach them, and to really shape up the world there. And everything seemed to go well. Except the one memory I had of the 16th of August, 1964, was that it was very hot. At that time, we were wearing all the nunny garb. You know what that looked like? Some of you have seen us. And we were totally covered, except for our face and our two hands. That's the three pieces of flesh that you could see. All of the rest was black serge or white starch. And it was very warm. And so, when I arrived in Southern California, I thought, this is kind of warm. But I was, my superiors were very tough. They were very tasteful. I thought they had excellent sense. They told me that they were going to put me in charge. I never heard anyone saying, God take charge, like what we said last night. You know? They told me that I was going to be in charge. And that meant I was going to be principal of the school. Eventually, I was to become the superior of the sisters. And oh, gosh, I just knew. I had gone to heaven. It was grand. Because then, they would all shape up. And because I would make them shape up, and they would do it my way. And it was going to feel better. Well, everything went on very well for about five days. And after five days, I met a man who was to be my arch enemy for a long time afterwards. And he was known as the pastor. And he had this idea in his mind that he knew better than I did. And he also thought that he was the boss. But I knew I was, of course. And in this system, school system we had there, it was important that I would get along with him because he was in charge of the money. And so I didn't know how to do this. And I planned his demise in many, many different kinds of ways in my head. And the voice went off loudly and clearly. And it said, if only he would shape up, I'd feel better. If only he'd move, I'd feel better. If only I could get him. He did strange things. For example, I had just come there from England. And of course, as you can tell by now, I am Irish. And I come from the northern part of Ireland, you know, where they don't surrender, incidentally. You'll be interested to hear that. And he had the school, the new school that was built, he had the doors that were all painted orange. And for those of you who know your history, and I can hear that some of you do, know that that's not a very good idea when you've got somebody from the north of Ireland there to be the principal. And so I just really didn't like this. And I thought that he should have done it differently. And he should have done lots and lots. And we were in this power struggle right from the word go. And it was really difficult. And one day, a marvelous thing happened some time afterwards, some years later. And that was that a lady knocked at my office door. And she said, would you like to get all the sisters and take them over to my swimming pool this evening? And let's have some fun together in the swimming pool. We had the Santa Ana wind at the time. We all did that. We all piled up into the car, went over to the swimming pool, and we swam. And after it was over, she came to the side of the pool with a tray, a large pitcher, and some glasses. And on the top of the glasses, there was salt. Oh, you know what that is. Gosh, you know, you're bright. Because when I tell this story in London, it goes right over their heads. They don't know about margaritas in London. And I question anybody's sobriety who has not had had the privilege of having margaritas. That's my opinion. And so she poured this wonderful beverage. And when I took a few gulps, because I never sipped, I just knew that this is what was wrong. I just had been working too hard. I was too stressed. My God, where had I been? What was happening to me? It started to feel good. It all started to feel good. Everything started to feel good. Um... My mom, to whom I had had a humongous resentment because I was the oldest child and had all this responsibility, my little sister, whom I hated because she was born, they all seemed like it was okay. It was fine. And the pastor seemed like he was okay, too. Oh, it was unbelievable. And I thought, I know what I have to do. I have to see how I can get some of this stuff so that I can continue to feel okay. Because I'm just working too hard. And I believed I was. And I said to the lady, could I have the recipe? And so she gave me the recipe and I took it home. And I will always remember one day the pastor came over to the convent and he said, is there anything that you need? Which was a terrible question for him ever to ask me because I would always hope, I would always say, well, could we have a thousand more dollars for this or some extra furniture for that? He asked that question extremely reluctantly. I'm sure. But I said, yes, as a matter of fact, there is. We would like to have a bottle of tequila. And I will always remember his face. And he had no trouble producing a bottle of tequila for some reason. And then he mentioned to me a couple of days later that they were having a little barbecue or something somewhere and that if we would like to go, we could go. And when we went over to their place, we found out that that's where tequila was manufactured. And scotch and vodka and bourbon and wine and all kinds of others. And I thought, oh, I've got to get friends with him. I think in the 20 questions we take, you know those 20 questions some of us take before we qualify for this program, there's a question that says, do you ever seek lower companions? I sought lower companions. And incidentally, at the same time, just out of interest, this means nothing to most of you, I'm sure, but there was an organization or a movement going on in our church at the time. And it was called Vatican II. Now Vatican II, in a very simplistic way, meant that the little old 80-year-old pope at the time we had, he went over to the windows of the Vatican. He said, God, it's real stuffy in here. Let's open up a little bit, you know, and get a little bit more human. And let's see what's really going on inside of us instead of what's out there. And he wanted us to kind of think about it. He wanted us to kind of think about our intentions and our motives and, oh, lighten up a little bit and do things as we thought we ought to do them, as he thought we ought to do them. And he wanted us to relax a little bit, I thought. And I figured that I was just obeying Vatican II by my little drinky-poo every once in a while. And so it got to be very simple. And it was just very easy at the beginning. I liked that there were always real good excuses, like the Santa Ana wind would blow. That was a good excuse. The kids would be getting report cards in school. The teachers would be pressured. You know, a cat came into our patio one time and had kittens. I don't like cats or kittens. And so we had to drink over that. And I would look at the nuns regularly and I'd say to them, aren't you tired? Aren't you all tired? They'd say, well, yeah, we are. And they were always tired because I worked them very hard. And so I was constantly thinking of these excuses. And for those of you who are new, and some of you are, and you probably know this about yourself by now, that denial is so built into our disease. I honestly thought, I sincerely thought that I was whipping up this little drink for those sisters who were working so hard and who were so tired. I was three or four years in Alcoholics Anonymous before I found out that not one other sister in that house, like Marguerite's, except for me. It was amazing. But what I would do was I'd whip it up and I would have the pitcher and then they would sip, really sip, you know. Oh, listen, if you want to die, if you want to die, watch nuns drinking. Oh, God, dreadful. Some of them. They're so polite, the people with whom I live. They go into a big, long thing about what kind of glasses we'll have. And then they say, we'll pick these little glasses here. Now, I was never interested in little glasses. I liked large containers like flower pots, anything big, and a lot. And I know I've got some friends here who feel the same. And they would, you know, they'd sip and then they'd leave it for 15 minutes and then they would sip and they wouldn't finish it. And as I shared with my two new friends coming from the airport yesterday, in my opinion, that that's the only sin there is. The only sin that I know of in the whole world, is that you don't finish your drinks. God, can you imagine that? What a waste, you know. And a waste, I would say, and we have a vow of poverty. You can't waste. You can't waste stuff. Especially you can't waste booze. Because it's kind of hard to think of new excuses why you're going to have it again. So you have to get it stashed away for the rainy day and you have to think about it and you have to worry about it. I have a good friend, Father Terry, some of you probably know him. His definition of whether you're an alcoholic or not is when alcohol starts becoming a big deal in your head. And alcohol was starting to become a very, very big deal for me. Very large, big deal. And I continued to drink as often as I could, as frequently as I could, and as much as I could get. Now that didn't say there was that much to get. But I started getting involved in what the book calls the phenomenon of craving. Doesn't that sound wonderful? It's in the doctor's opinion. The phenomenon of craving. The strange happening that, you know, I would get on this merry-go-round. I would say, no more, one. And I was doing what the book also says, that trying to do the two things that we can't do to control and enjoy our drinking. The great obsession of every abnormal drinker. We try to do that little juggle act. You know, we want to do the two things together. And that's all I ever wanted to do. I thought, you know, I work hard. I work hard. I feel stressed. Gosh, isn't there something? Isn't there some way I could get the edge off and just not want to have more for the rest of the night? And I didn't know what was wrong with me. And then one day I had a marvelous idea. I thought, I know what I'll do. I'll pray. I'll pray more. And I'll ask God just to help me not to be wanting it all the time. Now, I wasn't going to ask God to help me to not drink because that was too radical. I had no intention of giving up alcohol, folks. I want you to know. Really, I didn't. And so what I decided to do was I decided to make a 30-day retreat. And so I went up to not too far from here, a little further north. And I made a 30-day retreat. And I prayed for five hours each day. And I fasted. And I asked God to please would God take away this tremendous obsession for alcohol for me. And just to, you know, even it off, mellow me out a little bit so that I could have my little drink and that would be okay. But I wouldn't be thinking about it all the time and I wouldn't feel so guilty. Guilt was a real big thing for me. And so in the middle of that retreat, there was on day 15, we had what was called a break day. And the people with whom I was making the retreat said to me, is there anywhere special you'd like to go today since we get to go, you know, we can do what we like today. We don't have to do the retreats today. We don't have to do the retreat stuff today. And I said, I would like to visit the Napa Valley. Now, I was having my teachers teach California history. And I just figured you weren't cultured except that you visited the Napa Valley. And so we did that. And we did you know what in the Napa Valley all that day. And I can always remember coming back to that retreat center just feeling no pain, feeling no pain at all. And waking up on day 30, with a tremendous obsession and desire to drink more. And came back to where I was living and thinking, oh, what happened? What went wrong? You know, the book talks about people like me real clearly. It says, you know, that I'm a victim of the delusion. A victim of the delusion. That I could rest satisfaction and happiness out of this life if only I manage well. God. That's B. To T. You know, if only I could get this down to a science, then I can rest satisfaction and happiness out of this life. And I didn't know what to do, folks. I just didn't know what to do. And this desire I had to drink and this craving and this trying to get it and then behaving poorly and then always morose and oh, it was bad. And Peggy described her story last night. I was just sitting there. Oh, it was just, it was, it was just so much how I felt. And you know, it would be interesting if we had time to do this and we don't. But it would be interesting to me to know if we started over here and said, you know, how did you die? How did you die? How did you die when you were drinking? And each of us had our own death. Some of us died in jail. Some of us died in our kitchens. Some of us died in a mental institution. And I'm talking about that death of the spirit. That death that Bill W., our founder, talks about on page 8 where he says that no words can describe the loneliness. No words. And the bitter morass of self-pity that he found himself in at that moment where quicksand seemed to stretch all around him and alcohol had become his master. And he was now overwhelmed and he had met his match. I had met my match. And he didn't know what to do. I want you to know that I was in a very sheltered, loving environment. In a convent. When I died. Inside. And I didn't know who to tell because I was in charge of them all. I was, you know, I mean, I had no problem about a relationship with God because God was God and I was Mrs. God and I was in charge. That's all. It was real simple for me. And I just thought all you had to do was say, okay, God, this is the way we do this. And we do Beirut this way. And we do Central America this way. And we do this this way. God, you're supposed to, God was supposed to listen. I had prayed the Our Father forever. As a matter of fact, I was sharing at my home group yesterday morning before I came here that I've even given workshops on God's will, discerning God's will. God help me. I didn't know about God's will. I didn't get God's will at all until I found Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't understand that. Didn't understand at all what that was all about. And so I was standing there in my living room dying and I was reading a little pamphlet. And it was called Sisters to Jesus. It was called Sisters Today. That was the name of the little pamphlet. And on the back page there was an ad. And it said, Sister, are you concerned about your drinking? If so, please call this number collect. So I called the number collect and it was in Massachusetts. And it was 9 o'clock in the evening in California. So it was midnight in Massachusetts. And I talked to this lady. And apparently they were starting a recovery hospital for priests and sisters there. And I told her what I know none of you have ever done. I told her a whole bunch of lies. Because I didn't know how to tell her the truth. So I told her I was changing jobs. And that part was true. I was moving from the job I then had which was school principal into the job I have today which was working in the diocese with a lot of other sisters and priests. And I said, you know, I'm really concerned because a lot of these people drink a lot. And I don't know what to do. And I will be in charge of their welfare. And I don't know very much about alcoholism. So I would like to know do you have any way you can help me to help them. So she listened to me. And she told me about recovery hospitals and literature and Alcoholics Anonymous. And she went on. And she was wonderful. She had a very calm, soothing voice. And I listened. And I knew I was right up here. And I knew that if I could get a book and read the recipe that I knew that finally I would be able to control and enjoy my drinking. I wasn't using that kind of language. But I knew that I could get this thing right. And so I listened to her. And I was just about to thank her and say good evening. And she said, sister, what are you doing? And she said, sister, would you like to tell me a little bit about your own drinking? Now, I want you to know, and I don't know where any of you come from, but I have great respect for the people in Massachusetts. Because I don't know how she would know that I was dying. I would know if you were dying, though, if you were to call me and give the story that I gave her. And I would be able to do that today. So she told me that she had 15 years of sobriety in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that it was just striking her that I probably would not be called. I probably would not be calling for other people to collect, incidentally, to Massachusetts if I weren't worried about myself a little bit. And the other thing she said to me was, I can hear pain in your voice. Isn't that wonderful? The miracle that we get to hear pain in one another's voices. Because we become conscious and sensitive to pain more. And she could hear my pain. And at that moment in time, I got the grace. The grace of God moved me to be able to break down and to cry and to tell her that I was dying and that I didn't know who to tell and I didn't know what to do. And so I said I could never go to Alcoholics Anonymous because, well, I'm real important here, you know. In those days, I used to be important. And so she said to me, well, you know, if you meet anybody you know, they're probably there for the same reason as you are. Which, of course, didn't mean anything at all. She said to me then. So I did call Alcoholics Anonymous the following day. And I decided to go to an AA meeting quite a distance from where I live, which was in Whittier. Now, I don't know if any of you know where Whittier is, but there's a little club in Whittier on Greenleaf Avenue. It's called Serenity Hall. Now, Serenity Hall is about half the size of this stage. And it's dark. And it's smoky. And it's gloomy. And it was on that day in December 1978. And I went there on a Wednesday morning. And I still was the school principal. I was just in transition. I remember exactly what I did. I went to the convent and I changed from what I was then wearing, kind of a nunny garb, you know, little nunny habit. And I changed into regular clothes. And I remember putting on a lot of eye makeup. Now, I wanted to impress the people in Serenity Hall a lot. And I went down there and I sat in Serenity Hall all scrunched up, petrified, at 10 o'clock on a Wednesday morning. And the gentleman who was leading the meeting, he asked if anybody had a court card. And I just figured that I had to get a court card in order to belong to the club. So I would have to go out and get one and come back in or something. I didn't know what that meant. But he was sharing his experience, strength, and hope. And this man fascinated me. And I need to tell you about him because he was wonderful. He was using language that I used to punish the eighth graders for writing on the bathroom walls. And he was really smart the way he could do this. And I was fascinated by him. He was using a word that starts with sh, which I'm sure you don't know. They use it in Southern California a lot. And then he graduated into another word that starts with f. I can tell that some of you know your phonics. What was interesting to me was that he could use this f word in sentences. He could use the f word as different kinds of speech. Like adverbs, adjectives, prepositions with i, n, g, e, d. He was an English major in the University of London. And I was very appreciative of this gentleman. And I remember looking up at him. He was standing at a podium. And I thought, and this is going to be my spiritual leader for the rest of my life. I got into my car. And I was driving home. And it was raining. And I was crying. As a matter of fact, in Serenity Hall in Whittier, they used to call me the crying nun. Quite a lot. And I looked at myself in the rearview mirror in the car. And all of this goop that I put in my eyes was rolling down my face. And I looked pitiful. I really did. And I said the shift word and the foot word all the way home to the convent. And don't tell. Don't tell on me. I've been known to say them a few times since. I'm not advocating that. But sometimes there are no substitutes. One thing he said was, keep coming back to Serenity Hall in Whittier. Oh, God. I don't know why I did that. But I just did keep coming back. Kind of. Kind of. And they were saying basically five things. God, I will never forget this. You know, to you new people, I just, I just hope you'll stay here. I hope you'll stay here. Please do. Because I almost didn't. I almost didn't. Because I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous with an added problem besides my disease. And I think only those of us like Terry and myself who come from the north of Ireland, you know, our ancestors, we have this problem. It's called arrogance. I know you don't have that. You really don't look like you're arrogant. You know, this like superiority complex, you know, I have these degrees in my bottom drawer and they're telling me about God, you know, God help me. And so they were telling me things like don't drink. Well, you know, I knew I'd drink for free. Well, you know, I knew I'd drink for Christmas. How can you do Christmas and not drink? I mean, really. If you're you, you're probably thinking, how can you do the 4th of July without drinking? You're probably thinking that. I just didn't think you could do Christmas. By this time, I didn't think it was possible to do Christmas without drinking because Christmas was one of the legal times for drinking in our house. God, you had to at least be legal and social. And so they were saying don't drink and then go to meetings. There was nothing that I thought the meetings could give me. I didn't, you know, I could, I was looking at the differences. I couldn't get into the similarities. I couldn't get into listening to the feelings at all. All I could get into was people's inventory and criticism and just knew I was far superior to everybody or else I was far inferior one or the other. And then they would say, read the book. And I took the book down to the beach one day in December and I sat up where the lifeguard sits and he doesn't sit there in Huntington Beach in December. And I sat up there and I corrected the book for your information if any of you would be interested. English was my major so the syntax offended my sensibilities in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the sentences weren't constructive and there was a lot of sexist language in it, you know, especially in chapter seven. Him, him, him, him, your man, him. I changed it into person, person, you know, all this stuff. And I fixed up the big book real good and I brought it back to Serenity Hall and told them I did this. And they just said, keep coming back, Bee. They didn't seem to need my new edition at all. And then they said, get a sponsor. And I didn't do sponsors well at all. I really didn't do that well, again, because of my arrogance, because I didn't want to follow directions. And what I did with sponsors was I would temporarily, well, I would interview them first, always interview. Now, they wouldn't know that they were being interviewed, incidentally, because, you know, they wouldn't be reading my script. I wouldn't tell them. But they would go through this little interview. And if they were real lucky, I would ask them if they would consider being my sponsor and that they were real honored, you know, to be my sponsor. And then when they told me to do something, God, Peggy, how did you ever do it, to be a greeter? Darling, you're wonderful. You know, her sponsor told her she had to be a greeter. If anyone told me to do that, oh, immediately, they were fired. I mean, I fired, I think, about six in the first 18 months of my sobriety. I had to make more amends in the program after I started to do the steps. So the people I fired and the people I was rude to, I wouldn't talk to people. And they'd want to know about me. They'd say, B, are you married? And I'd say, oh, yes. And they'd say, how many children do you have? I'd say six. Three boys and three girls. I told all the lies in the program for the longest time. I couldn't, you know, for the longest time, I couldn't do what was required of me. I couldn't be basically honest. I just thought somehow I could get this, but I wouldn't have to share. I wouldn't have to share about me. Because I figured, oh, God, I figured this, you know, you would run me out of Alcoholics Anonymous or that there would be a different way for me to get this program other than the way it's designed for us to get. I really thought that there was a better way that I could get it just because I knew more, especially more about God. God helped me. And that's why I think it's a total miracle that I'm standing here today. Because my arrogance almost had me back out there. Now, I didn't drink. But the only reason I didn't drink was for my arrogance and pride. And my fear. Because the people in Alcoholics Anonymous that I knew, especially the women, they could look into your soul. They really could. And they could look at you. And they would know what you had for cereal three days ago. You know, they're so perceptive. And mmm, mmm. They'd look at you. You know, they're never going to find it on me. They know I'm going to be able to look at them in the eye. I didn't drink. So they would say, don't drink. Go to meetings. Read the book. Get a sponsor. And work their steps. I hated all that stuff. And I admire anybody who comes into the program and who says, well, the moment I got into the program, I didn't drink. Well, the moment I got into Alcoholics Anonymous, I just knew I was home. Well, I didn't, folks. I didn't. And if you're somebody like me, if you're rebellious and hostile and all, there's hope for you. Because it took me a long, long time. And I loved it, Peggy, when you said, please, God, that we can become, still be teachable. I loved that. Because I was not teachable. I was not teachable. And in Serenity Hall one day, I was doing my crying number again. And this man came up to me and he said, Bea, you know, this program is not teachable. It's not teachable. This program is designed so that we can be happy, joyous, and free. That's what this is about. I felt like saying, you could have fooled me. You know, I didn't get it, that part. And he said, you know, really, it's about freedom, growth, and happiness, Bea. It's about enthusiasm. And I couldn't get it. Now, you know what it is, don't you? You know, that light, that, you know, it's okay. They'd come into the meeting and they'd say, well, I had a flat tire on the freeway, but it's okay. God. How could anything like that be okay? How could anything that was not exactly the way I thought it should be be okay? Nothing was okay for me. And I was telling this man that nothing was okay. I didn't like the meetings. I hated the book. And I didn't like the sponsors. And they didn't understand me. And on and on and on. And he looked at me with such compassion. I will never forget this man. And he said, you know, Bea, this might work for you. Why don't you go home and kneel on your knees? Get on your knees. And ask God to give you the willingness to change your attitude. You know, now, with all the pieces of paper in my bottom drawer that I have, and all the background in spirituality and world religions and courses and seminars and training and praying and teaching other people how to pray, I had never heard anybody saying that to me. Now, maybe they did, but I didn't hear that. And so I did exactly as he said. Because I was dying. In Alcoholics Anonymous. I was dying to drink. I was dying to leave. I didn't want the program. I didn't want it at all. And I knelt on my knees in a very awkward, embarrassed position. And I said to God, I don't know how to do this. And I don't know what to say. But I would... Could I get... I have some willingness to change my attitude. Now, I would love to tell you that God appeared to me at that moment. And there's a burning bush and angels... I'm very dramatic and histrionic, so I like things to be spectacular, you know. And that there were angels singing in the sky and all that. And that God said, certainly be. Here's a packet of willingness. And this will do you until you die. I'm here to let you know, and especially if you're new, and if you're an old timer, you'll know this from your own experience, that God is extremely stingy with willingness. Extremely. God just gives this alcoholic enough willingness to get through one day at a time. Can you believe that? You know, just what we need when we need it. Never big chunks. Just little chunks of willingness. Just little pieces. And I would love to tell you I got a big load and that was okay. It was always wonderful from that moment onwards. But what did happen was that little by little by little, by little by little by little, I did become willing. I became willing. And I'm standing here today as a willing person. Because I know what it is not to be willing. I also know what it feels like to get stuck in the program. Now, some of you will know what I'm talking about where you get to a kind of a plateau there. You know, what I call the ho-hums in Alcoholics Anonymous. Where nothing seems to be happening. I'm not growing. And say, well, so what? That's when I need to do exactly what John Dee told me in Serenity Hall. Get on my knees again and pray for the willingness to do whatever it is I need to do next. To change my attitude. That's a real amazing thing that that happened in that whole situation for me. Because I almost didn't change. And I think I know I would have had to drink again because I was so miserable. What happened then was, that I started to go to more meetings. And I started to get involved in the program a little bit. I eventually was able to get a sponsor. I have two wonderful sponsors now. And Joan knows who they are. Marianne is my woman sponsor. And Deke is my man sponsor. And I started to get willing to follow directions. Now, I don't do directions well. And I always thought it was because I was from the north of Ireland. You know, we don't do what people tell us easily. Because we don't trust people easily. And when I see even today, I'm driving on the road and I see, right hand lane must turn right. I always say, who said? What do you mean? Why do I have to turn right? I don't automatically follow directions. I really don't. And so, it's real, it has been real, real difficult for me to, to get that whole notion of, you just do, it's simple, simple things. So what I discovered then by going to the meetings was that I needed to follow directions. And one of my sponsors pointed out to me that it might be useful for me if I would read the book like it was written to me. Because I don't get it, see. I don't get it. Lots of stuff I didn't get. See, I thought if I could stop drinking by myself when I was drinking, and I did that for four months incidentally, for those of you who might be thinking, you know, that you can do that on your own. And what happened to me was that I started to shift. And I went to the doctor. And I always diagnose my own self to the doctor. I do that too. And I told the doctor that I was having a nervous breakdown. And what he did was he gave me Elevil, Stelocine, Librium, and Valium. Not all the same day, but soon after. And an open prescription. And told me I could have that whenever I needed it, to calm me down because I was working too hard. And what happened when I was taking drugs, and Peggy was wonderful last night, you know, she was talking about the glue. I imagine there must be some resin in that stuff too. Because I felt like the music on Twilight Zone. You know that music on Twilight Zone? That's how I felt. You know, like that the lights are on, but there's nobody home. You know, glue. She did it last night. As I kept going back to the meetings, and knowing that I wasn't supposed to be drinking, and when I prayed for the willingness, a marvelous thing happened to me after I prayed for the willingness, folks. There's probably two or three of you sitting in this room today, and you're wondering when I'm going to stop, and it's going to be soon. And you're dying for either a drink or a line, as we do today, or a puff or a swift or whatever. And I'm here to tell you that the obsession, the craving, the merciless obsession that the book talks about, the merciless obsession was lifted from me when I became willing. When I did what I was asked to do, and got on my knees, and asked God to give me the willingness to start changing my attitude, the obsession for alcohol has not returned. Now that's not to say that it hasn't occurred to me, but what I'm talking about is this phenomenon of craving where I have to have a drink has not come back again. And I believe that it has something to do with this whole thing called the willingness and the changing of the attitude, which you couldn't have told me this before because I wouldn't have believed you. But I'm here as a witness to the fact that it worked for me. I don't know how or anything, because I couldn't believe this, but it did. And what they said was, read the book like it was written to you, B. And there's a very interesting paragraph that's written to me on the bottom of page 62. And this is how it goes. It says, B. This is the how and the why of it. You have to quit playing God because it doesn't work. Hereafter, in this drama of life, God is going to be your director. God take charge. God take charge. Like we did last night. And then it says, you know, B. Most good ideas are simple. So simple that you almost miss them. And this concept that God is to take charge, you know, God is going to run your life now and going to be your director. This is the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which you, B, are going to pass to freedom. And that's all I ever wanted was this interior freedom. This wonderful interior freedom. And then on the top of page 63 it says, And B. When you sincerely take this position, all sorts of remarkable things are going to follow. You know, you're going to enjoy peace of mind. That means you're going to be able to sleep at night. Basic. I couldn't sleep. I didn't sleep for years. You're going to become more and more conscious of God's presence. You're going to understand and know that you can do it. You're going to be able to do it. You're going to understand and know that you can face life successfully. You're going to lose your fear of today, tomorrow, and the hereafter. And B, you are going to be reborn. That's what it promises me on page 63. And I was real impressed with that when I finally got a hang of this. And I thought, gosh, this third step is worth trying. And I loved what Joe said last night. I couldn't only do the third step and then do it and then that's the end of it. I have to keep on doing it because I have to check God out, you know, to make sure that he knows what he's doing. And say, are you sure, Father? Are you sure? I mean, you know you can do everything? And we have this little dialogue that goes on. God says, yes, B, I can. I can do cars and freeways and bishops and nuns and stuff. I'm not sure if he does bishops real well, but he does. But, you know, I keep having to check back and take it back again. But this marvelous knowledge that I have today, the heart knowledge, that that's what works for me. That instead of doing it my way, all I have to do is totally rely and do what's indicated. What a marvelous insight this was for somebody like me. The steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have just been, you know, the life force behind what has happened to me in this last nine and a half years. And I'm awfully grateful for that. I'm tremendously grateful. I'm so grateful to you, those of you, and I'm very impressed, especially with this group, the length of sobriety you have. I sat beside Ann at dinner last night. Thirty-three years and I thought, God, I want to touch this woman. You know, I just want this stuff. She's kept the traditions and she's worked the steps. And Peggy last night, all these years, you know, of doing this thing daily, doing this program daily to get it ready for this little girl who always felt like Holly Hobby, you know, with freckles and red hair and who never did fit in her own skin, who never did fit. And we're getting this program all ready, all finely arranged. So that when I would come, I would have a design for living. How classy this is. It's so classy. The classiest thing of this program is that I found a God of my understanding. Now, as you would know from the profession I belong to, I did have a God. As I said, I was Mrs. God and I was in charge and that was that. And I learned, I thought, you know, if you were to do about God, I thought that's what that all meant. You know, you're to learn about God. And I had a lot of God knowledge in here. None in my heart to speak of. And I didn't meet God at all in my whole life, really. Not the God I understand today. Until I got as far as Step 7. And when I took Step 7, I understood for the very first time in my life that God loved me. Now, I've been teaching people for years that God loved them, you know, and that God... I use scripture and I would say God loves you so much that he has carved your name in the palm of his hand. And God loves you so much that... He stores your tears up and he puts them into a little bottle. You're real precious to God. But I thought that I was just a little holly hobby scrunched up in a corner and that God forgot about me. And that I was orphaned and abandoned. And I never felt that God loved me. I knew somewhere in my head that it might be true or it could be true, but I never felt it to be true. And when I knelt on my knees, which I do a great deal of in this program, I knelt on my knees, which I do a great deal of in this program, I knelt on my knees, which I do a great deal of in this program, and I said the words of the prayer on page 76 of the Big Book where it says, My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. My God appeared to me for the first time in my mind. And it was a Father God because I had grown up without a daddy. And a God who had a sense of humor. And who was saying, I've been waiting all this time, that's wonderful. You're now willing that you would come to me now. You'll give yourself, good or bad. See, I thought, I thought that I had to spend a lot of energy and time and effort into being good for God. You know, being perfect for God. And that somehow God was here and He was taking score. He was checking off. And saying, this is good, this is good. This is not so good now. A little bit better here. Again, a victim of the delusion that I could rest satisfied if only I managed well. Again, a victim of the delusion that I could rest satisfied if only I managed well. Suddenly, when I did this whole thing on step seven, I understood that God loved me no matter what. God loved my freckles, my red hair, my Irish temper, my jealousies, my self-will run riot. God loved me, God loved me, God loved me. Insides. And when I drift into this orphan state, which I can do real easily, I have to get back to this. But see, what I know now is that I would never, I believe, I believe this for me. That I don't think this would have happened. That I don't think this would have happened to me. I don't think I would have understood this, really. Except that I had experienced the unconditional love of the people in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because they loved me just as I was. They loved me whether I was arrogant or friendly, which I hardly ever was. They loved me no matter what. And they welcomed me back and they made me feel, Oh Bea, you're going to be okay. Come on, you just stay here. You sit here. Here's a cup of coffee, Bea. Come on. I'll pick you up. I'll get you. I know you don't do puddles. You know, I was afraid to drive and I didn't do puddles. I told my sponsor that. I said, I can't go to the meeting because I don't do puddles. And she said, well, I'll come and get you. Hated that part where she came to the convent to get me. Oh, it was real hard. But I got to understand at that time that my God loved me just as I was. And I'm real comfortable with that a lot of the time today. The steps are fascinating to me. And what has become more fascinating to me in recent months, I'm here to tell you, is the fact that the promises in the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, not only the promises on page 83 and 84, but all over the entire book, are promises that are being delivered in my life all the time. And I'm sure most of you have discovered the marvelous promises on page 75. There are ten of them there. Where it talks about, you know, we can look the world in the eye. And that after we take step five, that we're on the broad highway, hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. Wonderful for us. We never thought we'd ever feel good inside. The kinds of promises that for somebody like me who comes from a fighting country that says that I'll be in a position of neutrality, safe and prosperous. Protected. Isn't that wonderful for me to know that I'll be safe and protected? And the promises that, you know, that I would intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me. Isn't that wonderful? I will know. I will know how to do it. All the things that used to baffle me. Sometimes when I'm praying now, I say to God, God, would you please give me a sign? Make it clear. Because I think God's in San Jose. See, he's not down in Orange County sometimes. He's up here. And I agree with what you said, Peggy. He gets tired of that world out there, so he comes to San Jose where the joy is. It's wonderful. But I say to God, God, please give me a sign. Please let me know. The promise that we're given, oh, the marvelous promises on page 87 and page 88 of the big book where it says, if I constantly remind myself that I'm not running the show and say, here will be done, God, then I won't be in danger of excitement, fear, worry, foolish decisions. And it says, guess what, you'll become more efficient. That's all I ever wanted to be anyhow, was efficient. And then it says, you won't get so tired. You won't be exhausted all the time because you won't be spinning your wheels, you know. You won't be burning up energy. That's what the book says. These are all promises. I'm really into this because right at the present time, I'm designing a retreat for alcoholics on the promises of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't know about this part until recently. I just thought, you know, the promises were on page 83 and 84, but I'm finding all these other things in the book. And what the book says, you know, are these extravagant promises? We don't think so because they have been fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But they will always materialize if we work for them. I'm very impressed with this program for Alcoholics Anonymous. And I have no idea how the magic of it works. I just know it does. I know that our God, the God we understand, is in these rooms. I know He uses us all in one way or another. Committee chair people, ashtray people, chair people, all kinds of people who get to carry this message from one to the next. And what happens to us is that we go through a lot of suddenlies, at least I do. I suddenly realize that God is doing for me what I could never have done for myself. Wonderful promise that is. I'm so impressed with that that I even practiced it in Spanish. And I don't know that I could do it for you, but I'll try. And it says, Muy pronto comprenderemos que Dios está haciendo por nosotros lo que no pudimos hacer por nosotros mismos. That God could thank you. I'm practicing for, I've been invited to go to Guadalajara to speak in Alcoholics Anonymous. Can you imagine this little girl from the north of Ireland going to Guadalajara? And in conclusion, let me say to you people who have been here long before me in this fellowship, who have kept the traditions going of this wonderful blessed program, and who have worked the steps, let me say to you in the words of the song that Anne Murray sings, and to the people of Alcoholics Anonymous, you held my hand when it was cold. When I was lost, you took me home. For that I'm grateful. Thank you. Okay, at this time then, I would ask that everyone rise and join us in the...