Higher Power Is Extremely Stingy with Willingness — Just Enough for One Day at a Time, Never Big Chunks – Sister B.

About This Speaker Tape

Sister Bea, a Catholic nun from Northern Ireland with nine and a half years of sobriety, shares her story at the 41st Summer Conference in San Jose. She describes growing up as the oldest child in an Irish family, feeling "scrunched" inside from an early age — performing well on the outside while carrying enormous pain within. When her father was killed in an accident when she was eight, her mother asked her to help raise her four younger siblings, and Bea literally put away her dolls that day. She entered religious life at a young age, driven by ambition and a need to control, eventually becoming a school principal in Southern California after studying at the University of London.

Bea's drinking began innocently enough when a neighbor served margaritas by the pool after a Santa Ana wind day. She describes the immediate relief alcohol brought — suddenly her resentments toward her mother, her rivalry with the parish pastor, and her deep loneliness all felt manageable. She began manufacturing excuses to make drinks for the convent, not realizing for years that she was the only one actually drinking them. Her attempts to control the problem through spiritual means included a 30-day silent retreat, during which she visited Napa Valley on the break day and returned on day 30 with an even stronger obsession.

The turning point came when she called a recovery hotline for religious sisters, and the woman on the other end — herself sober 15 years in AA — heard the pain in Bea's voice and gently confronted her. Bea began attending meetings at Serenity Hall in Whittier but nearly left the program because of her own arrogance and inability to follow directions. A man at the meeting told her to kneel and ask Higher Power for the willingness to change her attitude — advice that, despite all her theological training, she had never heard before. When she did this, the obsession to drink was lifted. She describes Step Seven as the moment she finally understood, not intellectually but in her heart, that Higher Power loved her exactly as she was — a revelation made possible by first experiencing the unconditional love of the AA fellowship.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction and feeling enveloped by love at the conference despite being the queen of abandonment
• 4:30 Father killed when she was eight; mother asks her to help raise the other children and she puts away her dolls
• 10:00 Enters religious life, studies at University of London, moves to Southern California in 1964 as school principal
• 15:00 Power struggle with the parish pastor and the voice in her head saying if only they would shape up
• 20:00 First drink — margaritas by the swimming pool — and the immediate relief from all her resentments
• 27:00 Escalation of drinking, hiding it, making margaritas for the convent while being the only one who actually drank them
• 33:00 Thirty-day retreat, visiting Napa Valley on break day, returning with an even stronger obsession
• 38:00 Calling the recovery hotline and the woman hearing pain in her voice — the moment of surrender
• 44:00 First meeting at Serenity Hall in Whittier, the colorful language of the meeting leader, crying nun period
• 52:00 A man tells her to pray for willingness to change her attitude — the obsession is lifted
• 58:00 Step Seven revelation that Higher Power loved her exactly as she was, enabled by the unconditional love of the fellowship