Fourth Step with a Fourth Column — What Would Higher Power Have Me Do Instead – Shannon V.

Hey y'all, let's have a meeting. My name is Kat and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our own personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership with a clear-cut idea of what happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing. I have the pleasure of introducing our speaker. Our speaker tonight, her name is Shannon. The one thing that I love about this program is that you get to meet people, you get real friends in this program. And it's not like you did when you were out drinking and using. Shannon has become one of my closest friends. I love her with all my heart. She's an amazing woman, so I hope you enjoy her story tonight. And here she is. Hi everyone, I'm Shannon. I'm an alcoholic. And there will be a lot of crying tonight, I can promise you that. I do it whether it's something personal. I'm sad or not, so it's, you know, just ignore it. My sobriety date is December 7th, 2006. I got sober in New Jersey. And I was born in January 19th, 1975 in Pennsylvania. My dad was in the Army. I was born at the Philadelphia Naval Base. And my dad and my... My mother got divorced when I was about two or three. And, of course, I have no memory of that. But I've heard a lot of stories about what happened, you know, for that to occur. And some of those stories revolved around the fact that my mother was locking me and my sister in closets and going out drinking at night. And, um... Her mother actually found us on two different occasions. And my dad filed for divorce. And my mother took off with me and my sister to Florida. My dad came and found us and took us back to Pennsylvania and ended up with custody of us. And when I was about five, he married my stepmother. And so they, you know, they were both together, the ones that raised me and my sister. And then I have a stepsister and a half-sister. And my poor father. Five women in one house. Yeah. So, um... It's no wonder he drank. And, um... I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood. Um... I do know that there was a lot of instances of things happening to young girls that should not happen to young girls. And there were, um... My parents would... Most days would not even come home from work. They would go straight to the bar. And, um... So... And if we wanted anything, then we needed... You know, we had to go to the bar to get it if we needed money or, you know, whatever. And most of the time we were in bed before they would even come home. And so as I was growing up, you know, drinking was normal. We had it in our house. My parents were always out. There was always parties at the house. And, um... But I didn't really start drinking until I was in my probably early 20s. I had tried a couple times. Like, I'd... I'd have a wine cooler and, you know, have one or two. And then I'm like, that's a, you know, whatever. And then, um... Started going out and drinking with friends. And I was drinking, like, Tom Collins, which is probably the worst drink ever. And... I mean, I could only have, like, one or two. And then my stomach is feeling ill. And I was like, how do people freaking drink this crap? Like, I don't understand why people enjoy alcohol. And, um... So that kept me probably from drinking for a while. Because I'm like, I don't even... I'm like the stuff. Um... But my... Most of my life, from the time... Um... As far back as I can remember, up until I was about 11, I was told that my natural mother was dead. And... My mother is the oldest of seven girls. And so... We spent a lot of time, in spite of everything that happened between my mom and dad, um... We spent a lot of time with my mom's family. Like, going for summer visits at my aunt's. Going to aunt's houses. And we stayed very close with my grandmother. And I just remember one day telling her that, um... I don't know, I was cheerleading or something. And I was like, I wish my mom was here to see this. And she's like, well, what do you mean? And I was like, well, she's dead. And she said, honey, your mom's not dead. She's very much alive. And she would love to see you. And, um... So that followed, you know... After that, there was a phone call. And then about a month or so after that, that Christmas that year, my sister and I went from Pennsylvania, came to Georgia, where she was living down here. And, um... Stayed with her for about three months. And there were instances that occurred with my stepfather. And next thing I know, we're on a plane going back to Pennsylvania. And, um... I was very angry with my mother over that. You know, I felt like she was choosing me over my stepfather. I felt like she was choosing him over us. And, um... So I didn't talk to her for a couple years. And, um... I guess the first time that I really, really got drunk, I was probably about 14. And I was out with some friends. Two of my girlfriends. And then there was three guys from high school. I knew two of them. And I didn't know the third one. And so my two girlfriends are hooking up with, you know, two of the guys. And then the other one's trying to hook up with me. And they had beer. I don't like beer. So then they had a fifth of Southern Comfort. And so every time he would try to make a move on me, I'm like, where's the bottle? I want the bottle. And, um... And, um... Ended up drinking, like, that whole fifth by myself. And by the time I got home, my dad was sitting in the living room with a friend and my youngest sister, who was about two at the time. And, um... I was trying to play it off and talk to them for a minute. And I was like, all right, well, I'm going to bed. And I... I tripped going up the stairs. And my dad's like, Shannon, what is up with you? And I was like, nothing, Dad. I'm just tired. And, um... I went up and I passed out face down on the bed. Jeans jacket still on. Pocketbook over my shoulder. And, um... At some point throughout the night, I got, like, violently ill in my sleep. I woke up in a puddle of puke. And, um... And it was pitch black in my bedroom. So when I woke up, I had to use the bathroom. And I was thinking, I was still in this... tree fort that we had been in. And I'm feeling around the walls. And I'm like... My girlfriend's name was Barb. I was like, you know, how do I get out of here? And, um... When I finally found my door and opened it and I realized I was home, I was like, crap. I hope I wasn't saying that out loud because my parents' bedroom was right next to mine. And, um... And I was... But I was feeling so sick that I went in, went to the bathroom, still covered in puke, didn't even care, went back in, laid right back down in it. The next morning, I got up and I, um... I was washing myself up and everything. Everybody had left the house. All my sisters, my dad, I don't even know where they all were. Got cleaned up and I'm sitting on the couch and I was feeling so horrible. And my dad comes home and he's like, if you ever come home like that again, you won't have to worry about tripping up the steps because I'm going to kick your ass all the way up the steps. And I was like, you don't have to worry about that, Dad. I'm never drinking again. And, um... Yeah. So, by the time I was 15, I forgave myself. I forgave my mother down here. And she had left that husband and it was her and my brother. They were living down near Augusta. And she was in the military. And, um... So, I came back down here to give it another try. And, um... I don't know if that even lasted a year because by the time I was 16, I was pregnant. And later in that same year, when I was about eight months pregnant, I got married. Um, to someone who was not the baby's father. And, um... We... So, we got married when I was 16. Had the second baby when I was 17. And then got divorced when I was 18. And, um... Still wasn't really drinking. He worked at night. I worked during the day. Um, you know, we had traded off the kids in between. And, um... But it... The relationship became abusive and so I had to go. And I moved back to Pennsylvania soon after that. You know, my whole life is like, all right, I'm having problems here so I have to, you know, I've got to get away from here and, like, move halfway across the country. So, um... So, I put these two kids in the car in a U-Haul. I'm 18. A one-year-old and two-year-old in a U-Haul packed full of crap driving by myself from Georgia to Pennsylvania going the whole time. What the hell was I thinking? And, um... The, um... At one point, I pulled over to go to sleep on the side of the road because if I pull into a truck stop, they would wake up and they're like, drive, mommy, drive. And I finally get to close my eyes for two seconds and a Virginia cop is like, tap, tap, tap. You can't park here. You have to go there. And, um... By the time I got to Pennsylvania, I was so exhausted. I, like, literally locked the doors, took the keys out of the ignition, let the kids out of their car seats and I was like... I closed my eyes. I had to sleep. And, um... But I get to my parents' house. My dad... I move in with my dad and my stepmom. And, um... I started working in a bar up there. And then the bar had an apartment above the bar. So that was just perfect. And so I moved into the apartment and, um... Worked in the bar. And then... You know, it was really easy to drink because then I didn't... At one point... At some point in all of this, I had gone to a bartender and I was like, give me something I'm going to like. You know? Because I'm, like, drinking all this other crap and I don't like any of it. Southern Comfort, I still cannot stand the smell of it to this day. And, um... So he gave me a Bacardi and Coke and that was it for me. Like, that was... That was my drink. And, um... So living above the bar, it was really easy. I could go to work. We were allowed to drink at work. So go to work, get drunk, go home, get paid for it. I mean, you know, it was awesome. And... Until it wasn't. At some point... Before I moved into that apartment, my stepmom, because I didn't have a car at the time, had taken me to this bar for my interview and there was a guy sitting at the bar and wanted to buy me a drink and I wasn't even 21 yet. So I was like, I can't. And she's like, well... She's like, we've got to get back home. And she invites this guy back to her house. And I was like, I don't even know this guy. And, um... So we got married. You know, it's me and it's these two babies and I didn't even know how to take care of myself at that point, much less me and these two babies and how the heck do I make enough money to support all of us? And, you know, this guy comes along and he's a loser and you can tell just by looking at him, he's a loser. But he was talking about this $600,000 settlement he was going to be getting and, you know, whatever. But that whole marriage lasted about a year, year and a half. He was kind enough to introduce me to other forms of alcohol. And, you know, and it had gotten to a point where we were feeding the kids peanut butter and crackers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner because all our money was going for other things. And so, and at that point, you know, I said to him, like, I don't want to do this anymore. And, but he kept bringing it home. See, if it wasn't in front of me, like, I didn't care. Like, I didn't go looking for it or whatever. But he'd bring it home and be like, look what I brought home. And then I'm like, well, it's here. Might as well do it. And, but eventually even that got old. And at one point, finally, I was like, if you bring it home again, I'm calling the cops. And two weeks later, I moved out. And he and I had a third baby together and he was about six months old at that time. And, So when we separated, he took the six-month-old baby with him, and I had the other two, and we were sharing, you know, custody and visitation. He was supposed to have them for six months. I would have them for six months. We would share visitation in between. And it went really, really well up until the youngest son turned five, and then they disappeared. And I didn't know where they were for about three years, and then I found them. I think I found his mom or something and called her, and then we went to court, and I agreed to supervised visitation. And I was living in New Jersey. They were living in Pennsylvania, and it was a three-hour drive one way for me to go sit in a McDonald's for 15 to 20 minutes to see my then eight-year-old son, who was so desperately afraid to even spend a minute alone with me that every time I'd say anything about him coming to visit, it was, if my dad can come, if my dad can come. And one day they came to New Jersey, and we were having a great day, took them up on the boardwalk, bought him hermit crabs. His dad supposedly gets a phone call saying his grandfather's going to die, so they had to rush back to Pennsylvania to the hospital. And I said, I'm not going to bother you during this time. Let me know when things settle down so I can come and see my son again. And I didn't hear from him. So like two weeks later, I tried calling the phone number, and the phone number was disconnected again. And by this time, I'm drinking a lot. I pretty much went from that relationship into another relationship. Big surprise. And so that husband and I, the third husband and I, we were a perfect match. We would sit there and drink a half a bottle of Bacardi, a night together. And it was really a terrible marriage. But it lasted about eight years. And when my son disappeared that second time, though, I was like, I was torn between, do I still keep trying to track him down and, you know, come into his life and then have his dad rip him out again? And, um, or do I just like let it go? And when he's old enough to find me, he'll find me. And I kind of went back and forth between doing those both of those over the years, you know, trying to find him and then being like, okay, well, I moved down here. I got divorced when I was 28. And then by that time, the two older boys had already gone to live with their fathers. And so, it was the first time ever I was on my own with no kids, no husband, no parents. And, um, I discovered girlfriends and bars and hanging out and, you know, all the fun single stuff that single people do. Cause you know, I didn't have any of that experience. I was pretty much married from the time I was 16 to 28. And, um, and it was really fun for about three years. And then it had gotten, to the point where I had drank myself so bad, so sick that I had lost control of all my bodily functions. I couldn't put a complete thought together in my head, much less have a sentence come out of my mouth. And I, in spite of everything else, I was more afraid that I gave myself wet brain than it was anything else. And, um, so I detoxed for about three days in my apartment by myself, uh, literally, crawling to the bathroom. Um, I had no experience to know that there was really a such thing as treatment centers. Um, but after about three or four days of, of that, I was starting to feel at least well enough to be able to stand up without throwing up. And so I got my phone book out and I called the 800 number for AA and I found, um, the nearest meeting was 20 minutes away. And I got in my car still shaking, still sick as a dog, um, and went to the meeting and I sat in the back of the room. I didn't hear a word that was said that entire meeting. I was bawling my eyes out like crazy. And, um, afterwards, this woman came up to me and she just gave me a hug and she just said, do you never have to feel this way again? So I kept coming back. Um, and that time around, I was in the program for about four months and I got a sponsor and I was working the steps and that sponsor was going back and telling my then boyfriend everything I was telling her. And, um, that had nothing to do with me leaving the program though. I decided after four months that now that I know what's wrong with me, you know, um, I could drink and not be as bad as I was before. Um, now, mind you, in all of this to my whole time growing up, going through school, high school, whatever, I never felt like I belonged. We moved a lot when I was little. I felt I was picked on a lot. I was like the ugly duckling. And, um, it, uh, so a lot of insecurity and a lot of, um, just feeling like I didn't matter. And so when, um, I went back out and experimented a little bit, more and, uh, for it lasted about six months and I didn't get as bad as I was that first time I had come in, but I saw myself heading that way. And so I was like, I don't want to do this. And I, but then I didn't want to be, I didn't want to come back to meetings either because if I can't trust my sponsor, then, you know, how am I supposed to share meetings? How am I supposed to, you know, whatever. And, um, it took me a long time to get over that. I knew that if I didn't, do this, that I was going to die. And, um, but I also wanted to drink really, really bad. So I kind of made a promise to myself that I would come to meetings and I would give it my all. I would get into service work. I would chair meetings. I would have a sponsor. I would work the stats. I would sponsor people. And if I still felt like I wanted to drink after 90 days, then I was going to go drink. And lucky for me, at some point during that time period, and I would go to meetings and cry and bang on the table. And because I was freaking angry and I was like, I don't want to be here. I hate all you people. But luckily at some some point in that 90 days, there was a shift and that feeling went away. And, um, and that was December 7th, 2006. Um, the, uh, I was still in New Jersey. I worked in a bar for the first 11 months of my sobriety. I was a bartender that was, um, I, but I had worked at that same bar for 12 years. And so by the time I was getting sober, I didn't, I knew I was an alcoholic. I knew I could not drink. And so it didn't really affect me to be there and around other people that were, um, but you know, it's probably not a good place for an alcoholic to be working. People, people would offer me drinks and I'm like, no thanks. I'm not drinking today. And they're like, how are you feeling? Okay. And, uh, it was, it wasn't until I got to be like 30 days sober because you know, that was a huge deal that I could even get 30 days sober because in my third marriage, because we would fight a lot. And so for me to prove to him that he was the one with the, you know, but the problem that he was the alcoholic, not me. I would quit drinking for weeks, maybe even a month at a time and I would mark on the calendar each day that I did not drink and you know, started out where if I didn't drink that day, I'd put the count, the mark on the calendar at night. Well, it, when I started like, you know, after a few days you start that white knuckle and you're like, I really want to fucking drink. And, um, so I started putting the check mark on the calendar in the morning because if the check marks already there, then I really can't drink that day. And, um, and it would work for a couple of weeks and then I'm like, well now I can celebrate because I didn't drink for a couple of weeks, months, whatever. And, um, yeah, that never went well either. Never ended up well. But, um, yeah, so I moved down here. I was about 11 months sober. At 10 months sober, I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Hazelden in Minnesota. And I was like, oh, I'm going to go to Hazelden. And I was like, I'm going to go to Hazelden. And I was like, I'm going to go to Hazelden. And I was like, I'm going to go to Hazelden. I'm going to go to Hazelden. And I went out there for a week-long retreat on, um, coping with anger, jealousy, and resentment through forgiveness. And it was probably one of, um, one of the best weeks of my life, you know? Um, and it also helped me, um, it just gave me more of a foundation, I think, with my program. I worked the steps with my sponsor. When she made me come here, when she made me get on this floor, and on my knees, and do the third step prayer, it felt really, really awkward. And I was like, um, you know, she said the prayer. I didn't really know the prayer yet all that well. But, um, but then afterwards, later afterwards, I guess, the meaning behind it kind of sunk in. And, um, and, you know, I was starting to feel a little change, but then I was also terrified because next was the fourth step. And, um, and, you know, I was starting to feel a little change, but then I was also terrified because next was the fourth step. And, um, and I made my list of everybody that made me angry, that had done me wrong. And, um, uh, I had found a list, you know, I did it the big book way. Well, I did it two ways. I really, at first, I just wrote my entire life story out. And, um, because that was just easier for me. Putting a list together was just like, that was, there's not enough detail there for me. And, um, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, um, And, um, so, and I did do the list, the person I'm mad at, what they did, you know, what, uh, why, what it affected in me, you know, was I jealousy? Whatever. And then I was told to add a fourth column. Um, what would God have me do instead? And, um, that was very helpful for me, too, uh, in dealing with the, the forgiveness part. And also seeing my part in it, because, you know, um, in a lot of those situations maybe I reacted badly or you know maybe I just even unknowingly provoked it to begin with when I really got honest about it and um so that helped me work through a lot of that and then when I did my fifth step with my sponsor all like I felt like the world lifted off my shoulders you know because all that guilt shame and remorse that we come in here with and you know I when I first got here and I'd be in meetings and people are sharing about some of the stuff that I had done that I was never going to say out loud and um and they're laughing about it and and things like that and it helped me be able to see that you know yes I did these things and yes they're ridiculous and you know but I have a disease and that disease causes me to do these things if I'm drinking and um and it helped you know start lifting away that that guilt and that shame and allowed me to be able to say it out loud and to use that to help other women in the program especially um you know and I've been through a few book studies there's a book I don't even I don't know if it's AA approved but it's on the six and seven steps and you know teaches you all about your character defects and it's um when you're doing it in a group it's kind of interesting because you're like supposed to be pointing out your own character defects but it doesn't always go that way and um but it's it's eye-opening and it's and I probably should do it again because you know it's been a while but um I love doing groups with women I've gone through a couple like small groups with women and we're doing like um a journey through the 12 steps and and things like that and because you get other insights you're working the steps with other people and um you know we all had sponsors but then we're doing this at the same time and it was um it helps you become closer with with people in the program and get to know them better and also helps you stay sober or help me stay sober anyway um the uh when I was about seven uh seven months seven years sober um 2014 was an awful awful year for me so I had my last divorce was when I was 28 2013 I decided it would be a good idea to get married again and to someone who I dated six months we broke up twice in that six months and um but hey whatever and um so we got married in November I filed for divorce in January and probably the shortest marriage ever and so that was already rough I'm going through that and then I had my middle son and my youngest son living with me at the time and they're my middle son was in his early 20s other son late teens and um they're using and dealing drugs out of my house and so I'm like dealing with them and I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm living a girlfriend I'm I'm a couple of women um and I got a divorce I'm with another woman but they were a couple of boys you know about that so it was like a and um can't run away from your problems she's like but you've got to get away from them for a little bit put some distance there so I ended up moving into the new apartment two months early and paying rent on two places for the two months just to have peace in my life again and I was moving you know some more of my stuff because I had a whole two months so it was all going in like shit and I had just dropped off a load took the U-Haul truck back and I was on my way back home and I stopped at Walgreens and I get a phone call from my oldest son's father and he's crying and I was like what is the matter and I was like he was going through a divorce so I thought maybe it was something with that and um and he tells me that our son hung himself and I was numb like I couldn't even respond because I was like um so he's going on and on and he's apologizing and all this other stuff and I'm like you know it wasn't your fault I'm like stop apologizing and I said but I'm in Walgreens right now I said can I call you back and he's like yes I just wanted you to know what what happened and um I had quit smoking a few weeks before that and I hang up the phone I literally sat on the floor in the middle of Walgreens and I just lodged it and I had like hair color or something in my hand I had products in my hand that I had before this phone call and I don't know why I didn't just like drop them somewhere but I take them up to the front counter and there's this poor woman up there and she's like are you okay because I'm crying hysterically and I was like yeah I was like and I tell her about this phone call because you know it's like really fresh and she's like oh my goodness you can't drive so she's like let me drive you home and I was like no I'll be okay and I go to the counter I pay for whatever was in my hand and I was like give me two packs and um so I went and I sat in my car and called some family and you know until I was calmed down at least enough to make it home and I called my sponsor and she was like she said I'm coming I'm coming over there she's like I'm three hours away because I'm on vacation she said but I'm coming down there and I was like no you don't need to do that I was like you know I'm like I'm I'll be okay and she goes no she said I'm going to make a few phone calls and if nobody else can come be with you I'm coming back down there next thing I know seven people from my home group show up at my door and um they sat with me you know for a while that night and everything and made sure I was okay and um you know and in the beginning you know a lot of it was I had to go to Pennsylvania and for the services and things like that and I was like I'm going to go to Pennsylvania and I'm going to do that now my son had a son who was getting ready to turn two and so um you know if it was either of my other two children I might have been able to understand it more because I knew about their struggles with addiction and and the things that they were going through my oldest son lived in Pennsylvania so I was kind of removed from that although I had been able to understand that he might be one of us and um but his father has no experience with addiction and or any of that and was in I think denial but um so when I went up there the first time the whole top of my son's dresser is just nothing but liquor bottles you know and um but he had you know he's got this baby and he just started a new job and this and that and the other thing and everything seemed like it was going in a good way and I was like I'm going to go to Pennsylvania and it was a house full of people so I just none of it made any sense and um when I got that call first thing the next morning my first instinct was to go to a meeting so I went to Triangle and I shared about it and um and I kept going to meetings you know after that and I would share about it but it was all I could talk about and it was um and so it got to the point where I felt like people were tired of hearing me talk about it um and during that time too you know probably not surprisingly you know I that's the most I wanted to drink in the whole seven years that I had been sober and um I hadn't wanted you know it was like the obsession was on me and um um but my ego probably saved my life because I was like if I drink over this number one it's not going to bring my son back um number two then I lose the ability to tell other people that if I can stay sober through this freaking shit you can stay sober through anything and um so in the last two he died June 21st of 2014 and um so I've made meetings kind of sporadically I was in therapy you know getting outside help and and stuff like that and I spent most of 2015 selling off everything I owned and buying all kinds of backpacking gear because I was going to go hike the Appalachian Trail this year or in 2016 and you know God works in mysterious ways because my stepmother emails me and says we want to come live with you and so she spent most of 2015 in the hospital to the point where by the time I was in the hospital I was like oh my god I'm going to die by 2000 or by October they did not expect her to leave and um so my sisters and I I have a sister in Indiana I'm here my other sisters were up there we all show up at the hospital she wakes up to us all standing around we're going what are you doing here and um my dad and I got her out of the hospital the day before Thanksgiving that year and she miraculously and very much so to the doctor's surprise you know she made it through that she had MRSA she had sepsis she had the poor woman went through everything and um so I get this phone call or this email in January and so I'm like okay so I move out of the one-bedroom apartment go get a two-bedroom apartment handicapped accessible buy all new furniture and get everything ready for them to come down in May but it was kind of a godsend because you know having them there having for me it was kind of a godsend because you know having them there having for me it was kind of a godsend because you know having them there having for me it was something else to focus on you know kind of got me out of the depression that I was in over my son and um and because I stayed sober through it all I have the ability to be there and to help them you know when they needed it most um so they came down here May of 2016 she did really well she didn't have to the hospital again until two until October was her first round and then she had to go back in for in january and then she just went in february 20th um last month and march 2nd we my sisters all came to town from indiana virginia and pennsylvania and we made the decision to take her out of life support and she passed away this past monday which you know you know of course it hurts she was my step mom she raised us but at the same time she was in so much pain for so long you know that you know it's also a blessing but um and so now i get to take care of my dad through all of this too and 10 years ago you know i couldn't even i couldn't take care of myself i couldn't take care of a worm and the bag. And so, although my meetings were, you know, sporadic over the last two and a half years before I started, you know, really getting involved in meetings again, I was still keeping in touch with my network and I still, you know, I would make meetings when I could. The therapist I had was knowledgeable in addiction and grief. And so, you know, that helped a lot. And I knew that eventually I would come back to meetings. But, you know, in the very beginning, especially when it was really raw, it's like every meeting I came to, somebody was talking about suicide, somebody was talking about death, and I just, I couldn't, or they were talking about traffic on the way to work. You know, they're having a bad day because traffic on the way to work. And I just, I couldn't. I couldn't sit here and listen to it. I wasn't strong enough at that point. And every meeting since I've come back, it's been suicide and death. And, you know, I'm a little better with dealing with it now. At least I'm not breaking down and running out of the meetings. But after that initial, like, craving, and once I got past that, that wanting to drink really, really bad, you know, it, luckily it didn't. It hasn't come back yet. It taught me, you know, it doesn't matter how long you're sober, it can certainly, like, you know, you can take a few steps backwards. And even, you know, coming in when I first, and even now really, but coming back to meetings and everything, like, I almost feel like a newcomer all over again. And because of me, you're dealing with all the emotional stuff. It kind of feels the same. But I know this program works. And I know having a network works. I know having a sponsor works, even if you don't call her every day. And the promises, you know, that they talk about, they really do come true if you work it. And I, you know, during that time, I no longer work in a bar. I went to school, and I'm now a paralegal. I am, I have my two younger children. One lives in Augusta. One's in Pennsylvania. And then I have two grandsons. And one is 5. And the other will be 2 this, one will be 5 this year. The other will be 2 this year. And they are definitely the lights of my life right now. My older grandson also has a brother and sister. sobie I say I have two grandchildren and then two more by proxy. And because I'm sober today and because I can somewhat control my reaction to certain things, I get to have a relationship with them. And I just, I don't know, this program, good or, you know, whether I'm having a good day, bad day, good year, bad year, because, like I said, 2014 just really sucked. And I hope I never have another year that bad again. But there were things that occurred even in that year that if I had taken a drink, if I decided to drink, like, you know, maybe I wouldn't have a relationship with my five-year-old grandson now, you know. And I definitely wouldn't be able to take care of my parents. I wouldn't be able to keep. The job that I have, you know, and I mean, I've kept a job for over three years, y'all. That's a record for me. But, yeah, I'm very excited to be back in meetings and, you know, kind of jumping back in the middle of the bed. I have a home group. It's a common solution for women, the women's meeting here on Thursday nights. I have a sponsor. And I'm sponsoring other women, too. And so. And then just also trying to, like, really get back into my program. And because that's where the relief comes from, you know. All this grief, all the, you know, pain and resentment and all of that, that I've taken on in the last couple years. You know, I got rid of it all before. And then it's just, like, all new stuff. So now I get to work through all of that again. But I'm excited to do that. Because I know what happens when you come out the other side. Anyway, that's all I got. Thank you, Shannon. I love you. Isn't she great, y'all? Shannon has asked Mike to give out a chip. Hi, everybody. My name is Mike, and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Mike. Wow. Once again, you made me cry. It's a testament to the power of this program you are. It's freaking amazing. What you're going to do. In the years to come, for other people, I can't even imagine. Thank you. Best to give out the chips. In Atlanta and other parts of the country, I'm told that we have a chip system. Measures our time, not necessarily our progress in the program. And if you're just coming in, or I'll go through them, and I'll hand them out. If you're just coming in or coming back, we offer you a white chip. You got 30 days and 30 nights. We offer you silver, 90 days of red. Six months of yellow, nine months of green. And for years or multiples thereof, we offer you a blue. Anybody here tonight like to join our way of life tonight and pick up a white chip? Anybody else would like to pick up a white chip tonight? Anybody got 30 days? Just wait. Just wait. Anybody got 90 days? Six months? Anybody got nine months? Anybody has a birthday or a year that we? Why'd you do it? Because I didn't want to die. There you go. Hey, y'all. I'm Ashley. I'm an alcoholic. This is two. I didn't believe that the first year is a gift shit until I got into my second year. First year is a gift. But this year has been really important to me because I didn't have that happy pink cloud where I felt like I could do nothing wrong and nothing bad could happen to me because I had downed sobriety. I had to make some tough decisions this year, but the good thing about this year was really knowing that I have a super fantastic sober life. I have a super network of amazing women that have my back through everything. And in terms of how I did it, I don't really have any new information for everyone, which is great because it means that everything we need to know really is in that book. What I did is I got a home group that I'm very active in. I chair meetings. I'm the alternate GSR. I will be rotating into GSR way too soon. I sponsor women, and I have a sponsor. And a woman that I sponsor now sponsors women, which blows my mind. I pick up the phone when people call. I talk to newcomers. I do all the things that the book tells me to do. I follow suggestions. And the more I don't want to do something, the more that I make myself do it because I found for me that if my body and my mind is telling me, you don't need to go to a meeting. You don't need to pick up the phone. You don't need to call your sponsor. You don't need to do that. That's not actually my brain. That's my disease talking to me. So I just try every day to do the best that I can. Some days are better than others. But my worst day in sobriety is so much better than my best day when I was drinking. So I'm really grateful to be here. I'm really grateful to have heard your story, Shannon. I don't even have words. That was amazing. I'm really grateful to be at NABA. This was my very first meeting ever, Wednesday night, 8 o'clock, March 10, 2015. I was a sobbing mess, and I don't think I'd showered in three days, and you guys hugged me. So I'm happy to be here. And to all the newcomers, just keep coming back. Thank you. Thank you, one and all, for joining the Blue Chip Speakers meeting tonight.