For the First Time in Her Life She Was Not Ashamed – Edie C.

Hi, my name is Evie and I'm an alcoholic. And I don't know if I want to puke or have diarrhea. It's not that I get that... You know, they say if you say it, it will lose its power. So I hope something leaves. I know that God is present because about this time my ass goes into convulsions. and that's just before God kicks in I had the opportunity to just have dinner my sponsor is speaking in the main room she referred to me at dinner as the lounge act she told me that all I have to do is get dressed and God will do the rest and I've taught you how to dress now go be yourself yourself, what I'd like to do is I would first let you know, I was saying I didn't have an opportunity to see everybody who's new in the first 30 days. So would you mind, would you really mind, because I would like for you to stand up so I can really see who you are. If you've got 30 days, in your first 30 days. I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous, and it's my opinion that you're the lifeblood of the program, and I know that it takes a lot of courage not only to step into being sober, but it also takes a load of courage to be at a meeting of Alcoholics and I'm in this at a conference this size. So I want to acknowledge you for your courage, and I'd like to welcome you to the program. Now, before I forget, I'd love to thank the committee. This is for Mary Sainer. No, no, really, it is. I'd also like to thank you for being here. I'd really like to say thank the community for inviting me. It really is a privilege to be here. It's an honor and a privilege to be here and the listening that you're going to provide for me is that I absolutely know in my heart that you really want me to win and you don't want me to be a mess up here and that you are here to support me you know it's like I go to do this and it's like everything in here, I'm sitting over there thinking there's been a mistake there's absolutely been a mistakes because I can't remember anything anything. And, you know, if you're new and you're wondering what this is all about, it's about fear. And the definition of fear is false evidence appearing real. And at this point, it doesn't seem false. It seems very real. But what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous this is we just keep showing up and there's a tremendous things that happen here and uh you know i had the uh a guy by the i want to tell a little story there's an ad here who i met a few years ago actually don i met don and uh in san francisco years ago and uh i guess he submitted a tape of mine years agoand and uh... i didn't know that you i didn' t know anything about that but this is what i was told they called me last year and they said uh we'd like for you to come I'm in chair in L.A., and I said, gosh, you know, I'd really like to, but I'm already going somewhere else. And he said, Liz said, well, we've been waiting for you to turn 10 years sober. And I said、Well, you didn't let me know that. So I'm speaking in Dallas, and he said、 Well, is that really confirmed? And I说、 Well,, they are a little different there in L。A., right? Like, L. A. is now asked to, you now come. And I said, well, darling, Dallas didn't care whether or not I was 10 years sober. So I told them that I would go there and I am a woman of my word. So I'm really sorry, but thanks for the invitation. So they got me back this year. And it's really, really, I want you to know that it is an honor and a privilege to be here with you. Now what are you all laughing about? That is straight up the truth. for the new people what I'm going to do is I'm gonna tell you what it was like what happened and what it's like today so that's a little bit of really what it is about is it's the past the present and the future and I hope to God that God has something interesting you know what I do as I get in front of the toilet I just got in front of the toilets see how my hands still shaking I get down in front of the toilet and I get on my knees and I ask God who allowed me to be a child and if you knew the reason I get down in front of the toilets is that's where I did all of my most sincere praying before I got here. You know, you're just right there about old American standard. Oh God, I swear to God. If you just get me through this one, I promise I'll never do it again. And then, you know, and then we get here and the first problem we have is turning our whole life over to the care of God. It's kind of, you really see that, you know it's kind ironic. We surrendered in front of that toilet it, I don't know how many times. But we get to Alcoholics Anonymous and when you surrender my life to God, I just don't think that's a possibility. You see, I don't trust God. But at any rate, to give you a little background, you know, you all get really quiet. To give you a little back of where I came from, I was born in San Jose, California to Henrietta and Jim Cartwright. I don't know why I have an idea that I'm a boy, it's going to be interesting. I was born in 1955, that makes me 39 years old, and if I forget to tell you, I got sober the last time I did anything. That means the last thing I ever did was put anything up my ass, in my ear, or down my throat was July the 11th, 1983. In case I forget get to tell you and that is a miracle um i grew up with the kind of people they refer to in the big book of alcoholics anonymous seeking lower companionship i didn't grow up with those kind of people that were like kind of you know like maybe in a buick skylark and then progressed down you know we were just always in an old beat-up ford behind some old sleazy ass beat- up bar and i love country western music my whole life because i grew up listening to merle haggard i'm always on a mountain when i fall you know so it's like and i today i love country actually i have a belt with my name on the back of it i've had it for years it's actually i was country before country was cool uh that is absolutely the truth when i got to alcoholics anonymous I have this kind of an attitude. I wear flannel shirts, Wrangler jeans, cowboy boots, two six-packs of beer, and fuck you. And if you're new, through good sponsorship, the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and working the steps, I've actually learned to tap into my feminine energy. I had my first drink in an old beat-up Ford In a little town right out of Hollister, California And I think that you learn how to mimic the people that you grow up with I didn't grow up for the kind of people that Took a glass and put ice in it And then took the liquor and poured it into a glass And had a cocktail The kind of person that I grew up with Pulled it out from underneath the seat And they cranked off the lid And they took a big swig and whoever else was in the car, they'd all take a big swig and you know how they do that? They crank that lid off and they'd kick it back and they take a bigger swig of that and go And you know, I saw that I don't know how many times and to give you a little bit of kind of like a family background I lost my real mother when I was very young and I grew up with a cousin And my cousin was a little bit of a loose woman, actually. She fancied herself a professional prostitute. She just got charged most of the time. The way it worked out is this way. If she'd been bedding down with them a week, they were Uncle Charlie. And if she'd be fucking them a month, they would be Daddy. So a little big of a family background there. And I can tell by the way you're relating that some of you, you know, you've kind of been there. But at any rate, it was one of those evenings where they said, you know, this is what they always say. They're going to have a quick one. You know, they go into the bar. They say, we're goingto have a quick one. We'll be right back. About five hours later, they show up with a bag of peanuts and a Coke, and they refer to that as dinner. That's why I don't have a lot of my teeth today. Oh, I don' t even get into that. You can't see that. It's pretty good, actually. Oh, shit, I have no idea what, you just go into this. It's unbelievable. I have no idea what I'm going to tell you, but it's going to be real. But then again, I am the lounge act. What happened this night is after you've been in a car for four or five hours, you know, the authorities get a little concerned, so what they have you do is they haveyou lay down in the car. And I don't know why it was any different that night, But I fell underneath the seat and I pulled out a bottle of Sigrim 7, you know, those flat bottles, you know, and it had like this much in it. And I cranked off the lid of that bottle and I kicked it back. And I took my first drink of whiskey. And I kicked It back just like they did. You know, I crank that lid and I Kicked It back and it come out of my ears and it's like it come Out of my nose and just like shut the wind right out of me, you Know, and I'm thinking, my God, no wonder they grunt when they drink this, you know. But I think if you're an alcoholic now, really, if you're not an alcoholic of my type and kind, something happened. And I want you to know that I felt that booze go all the way down. I felt it burn all theway down. And when it got to my belly, it kind of spread out and went, whoa. And that's the magic. See, the magic that happened, you now, right in that moment. For For the first time in my life, I was about 10 years old. And for the first Time in my Life, I had a sense of relief. A sense of Relief. Because that's what alcohol provided me. It provided me for a way not to feel anything. You know, you hear a lot of people talk, I heard a lot of people Talk about when they drank alcohol, who they became. You know, there's a guy up in, I'm still nervous. Calistoga, his name was Duffy. He just recently passed away. And I remember him saying that when he drank alcohol, you know, he didn't know about anybody else, but when he looked behind, now he's about 6'3", 300 pounds and bald. And he said, you now, when I drink two shots of whiskey, I started to get a full head of hair. and after i had about six shots of whiskey i became the best looking son of a bitch in the bar you know alcohol did a lot for us it didn't turn me into somebody but it made me not have to feel and that was what i didn't want to do i just didn't wanna feel you know when i was really little i just didnt quite understand you know you know growing up it was like i had a lot of pain you know i had alot of pain You know, my mother, you know, it's always an honor and it's always a privilege to be here. And my mother is Indian and Mexican. And the Valdez family, myself and my little brother are sober today. I want to tell you something about my little brother. I promised him that when I would share in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would say hello from him to you. My brother took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous back in 1979 or 80, and my brother didn't make the choices to stay sober. And today, my little brother's doing 30 years in Deer Lodge, Montana, and he doesn't have a choice today. And that's where this disease can take you. It can take you to places like that. So what I want you to know is that if you're new tonight, and even if you are not so new tonight that you don't ever have to drink or use again, that You can make the choice to stand and being sober. It's not easy being sober, and like I said, you know, I was up in the hills talking to a bunch of sober bikers up in Northern California. I looked out into the... All I could see was leather and tattoos. And I don't know where it came. You know, God channels different things through you at different times, and I'm going to say it, and I hope nobody gets offended, and I know it's not a politically correct thing, but I'm gonna go ahead and say it anyhow. As I look down to this day of all, and there's all these Harleys parked on the hill and I looked out and said that it takes a lot of courage because any pussy can drink. And I don't know why I said that to those people but you know what? It really spoke to their listening. Because you never know why you're going to say things and I didn't know I was going to stay that but there were some of those big bikers that came up to me and they said, you know, you've probably ruined my drinking for the rest of my life. so I hope that I didn't offend any of you but I just want you to know it takes an awful lot of courage to stay here