Fit Spiritual Condition — Not a One-Time Deal but a Daily Reprieve – Renee D.

This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aagluchipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them, too. I must have this there. So I met this lady, lovely lady, a few weeks, a month ago. Found out that we had a lot in common, and she was in this program. We knew a lot of same people. It was pretty cool. And so I asked Renee to come tell her story. I'm Renee Alcoholic. Hey, Renee. Hi. How y'all doing? My AA birthday is March 25, 1985. My home group is the Primetime Group in Decatur, Georgia. I have a sponsor, and I do sponsor. And it's my job to tell you what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I was born in Indianapolis, Indiana. And that was before y'all, Georgia folks, okay? And we used to consider our family the Braves. Okay? Because it was three girls and three boys. And that's the era that I came up in, all right? Some of y'all know what that is. I have a twin brother, although I'm a little bit older than my brother. And when we were born, he was born with a slight learning disability. So that made me the big sister, you know? And so, you know, anytime somebody got in a fight, I was the one that they were calling. In Indianapolis, you know, to me, it was somewhat. We didn't see a lot of panhandling on the streets at that time. You know, people selling stuff. You know, we didn't even see a lot of homeless people, you know. As a matter of fact, I really don't even remember seeing any too much. But one day, we were going down the street, and my mother was driving with my brothers and sisters. And there was a lady of the evening walking down the street, right? I was probably about 10, I think. And my twin brother. My brother said, mmm, mmm. Like that, right? And my mother said, Andre, you know what kind of woman that is? He said, no, mama, what kind of woman is that? And she said, Renee, tell him, tell him. You know, and I thought I was so smart, right? You know, I said, that's a woman that sell her body for money. My brother paused for a minute. What part of the body, mama? She said, tell him, Renee, tell him. Yeah, so it was, you know, we didn't see a lot of that, you know, there. I enjoyed my family, you know, pretty much. My mother, my father, and my brothers and sisters. You know, we got to travel around the United States sometimes. And we spent a lot of time together. We did what families did back then. We ate at the table, watched TV together, you know. Except for my father, sometimes we had incidents that were kind of punctual. We had incidents that were punctuated by his excessive drinking. You know, what would happen is he, sometimes he would get drunk. And he'd, you know, come up the sidewalk. And people in the neighborhood would see him. And for me, it was quite embarrassing. You know, because the kids would start laughing at us, you know. And, you know, just, you know, some of the neighbors would see us. Because it was kind of a, you know, like a closed, you know, community. You know, so, and it was also hurtful. And, you know, and sometimes it was kind of fearful. And it was hurtful for me also. Now, when I was four years old, I was molested. And this was by a male babysitter. And I tell you that because it did something profound to me. Because after, you know, not just the molestation, but what it did for me is about sometime after that, I would ask my mother what happened to him. Because I didn't see him. I didn't see him anymore. And she said he had to go away. And I didn't see him from that day to this day, right. And to me, I thought I did something bad because he went away. So I decided then at four years old that maybe I shouldn't tell my mother everything, you know, because, you know, something bad might happen, you know, because I thought that was my fault. And so I started to set up secrets, you know. That's when I started to keep secrets from my mother. And then I had, and so what that did, was I had some other sexual abuse that happened as a girl and a teenager. And I didn't tell her. Based on what happened to me when I was four years old, it was just compounding. And the secrets just started to multiply. Well, you know, so when I was 11 years old, I had my first drink. And when I had that first drink, it was, you know, like I had to set up for it. And my father used to keep some old granddad in the bar. And what I would do. He would drink a little bit up and put a little water in it, right? And I started doing that. And first, I think he said, he could look at his bottom and say, what's going on? He said, some of y'all blank been in my liquor, right? It wasn't nobody but me. But when I took that drink, what it did for me, it made me feel better. Because, you know, I didn't even know I felt worse. You know, I didn't know I felt bad. But when I took that drink, it seemed like I felt alive, right? And I felt so good. And I said, now this is going to be a new thing. I'm going to be doing this, right? So, school. School, I didn't realize at the time, but school was strategic for me, actually. I was on the honor roll, you know, most of the time while I was in school. And it wasn't because I liked the classes. It was because it kept my mother off my back. And for me, it seemed like it helped me to have better self-esteem and self-worth. Because I was developing a veil of shame at that time. And I was also in sports and athletics. I was good in that also. I played varsity volleyball when I was a freshman. Basketball, everything. And I enjoyed sports and athletics until it came to the competitions. When it came time for competition, you know, it was win or fail. It was no two. You know what I'm saying? If I didn't win, I was out. You know, I wouldn't play in that sport no more if I lost. And I didn't. I didn't realize that I was an egomaniac with the inferiority complex. That's what that was about, you know. But I didn't know that's what it was called at the time. One class I did absolutely love was my orchestra class and concert band. What that did for me was it kind of gave me an escape. I could escape in the music. And, you know, I just felt free when I took those classes. I absolutely, absolutely loved those classes. And I took that from ninth grade to the twelfth grade. And then I also took ROTC. ROTC was going to be my ticket out. See? You know, I had my plan. That was going to be my career. I was going to go into the military. You know, because I wanted to see people in places. You know, I wanted to go out to country. You know, I was just like the books that I had adventures before. You know? I wanted to do all these things. And I knew my mother couldn't help me. So I figured that, you know, that was going to be the way that I was going to do it. The other thing that was going on when I was about 14 years old was I wasn't getting no stronger. You know what I'm saying? The muscles wouldn't come and I wouldn't get any taller. But I was still the big sister, see? I still was responsible for taking up with my brothers and sisters. And the boys that I had to fight were getting bigger and stronger. You know? So I had to figure out something to even the damn odds up. Right? Enter Taekwondo. Okay? I said, all right. I figured that if I took this, you know, and by the time I got to be a black belt, I would be able to defend my brothers and sisters against anybody. Right? And, you know, I had all these thoughts, you know, and I never consulted my parents. You know, this was all in my head. All this distorted thinking. You know, I just thought everything was on me. The burdens was, you know, was all on me. And the funny thing about that is by the time that I did get my black belt, which I did, I was number one in my class. But when I did get my black belt, my brothers and sisters were bigger and stronger and they could take care of themselves. They didn't need me. You know? So there go that analogy. During that time, I continued to drink. Slowly, right? But I got tired of sneaking daddy stuff. Started getting my own stuff. Right? So I started getting some brass. Brass monkey and some Miller beer, you know. And sometimes I'd get a little bottle of vodka or something. And I began to get drunk. Okay? So I started slowly getting drunk and then I started to black out sometimes. Well, just before I could tip all the way over, my mother said she wanted to move to Atlanta, Georgia. And because she was actually from Atlanta. And she said she wanted to come back here. You know, it was warmer. And she thought she would do better. You know, I didn't really want to come. But what choice did I have, right? They waited for me to graduate from high school. And we moved here. And when I got here, you know, after I got here, I liked it. Okay? Because the demographics was different, right, when I got here. First of all, all them things that I didn't see in Indianapolis, they was here. The homeless, the pants, you know, all that stuff was here, you know. Right? Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. That's the other thing that it was is that downtown Indianapolis was like, you know, a lot of white people, a few black people. Atlanta was the exact opposite. I said, well, this is where I'm supposed to be. Okay. And the drinking age was 18. Oh, thanks. This is wrong. You know. While I was on a basketball court when I got here, I met this young man. And he told me that his mother was the bootleg. Well, I didn't know what that was. What was it? What was it? have that we didn't have a bootleg you know if we did i didn't know anything about it you know um but i i proceeded to start going to the bootleg with him and uh i started going out a rabbit hole you know it's like my drinking really started to progress from that point and my mother started getting upset with me um i started not coming home some nights we were arguing all the time i was i was going to story places meeting story type people getting in all sorts of mayhem blacking out and um you know i decided it was time for my escape plan started going to army you know so i uh enlisted in the active in the active army now before that i was working also you know i was working at north side hospital and i was going to the army and i was going to the army and i was going to the army and i was going to Atlanta Area Tech, and even in Indianapolis I worked. I worked three jobs. I was a paper girl, I was a cashier, and I was also a security guard going to high school because I thought money was the answer. See, I didn't have any power, and I thought money would give me power. You know, it wasn't a lot of money, but I just thought it would give me power. It did not work. So I went into the active army, and basic training was fine because I couldn't drink, okay? So that went smooth. By the time that I got to my first duty station, which was Hanau, Germany, it was party time, you know. And as soon as I got there, the girl picked me up from the airport, and she said, Do you party? Do you party? I was like, okay, I'm in the right place. And I did a lot of drinking and a lot of blacking out, you know, and I got to the point to where one day I decided I didn't want to go to work. I just said, I ain't going today. You know, I got me a bottle, and I sat on the floor and just stayed in the barracks. They let that go for that day. But the next day, I was to come to the sergeant's office. I got there, and they sent me off to treatment to Longstreet, Germany. When I got to Longstreet, Germany, that was a time where I had another pause. You know, I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous while I was in Longstreet, Germany. I didn't like it because, I mean, I thought it was a cult. It just seemed like everybody was laughing at the same time. It was like they turned their head. You know, I was like, what the heck is this, man? You know, I mean, I used to see it on TV, right? Certain movies like The Days of Wine and Roses, you know, stuff like that. But, I mean, in real life, it was different. You know, that was a whole other thing, being in real life. But, yeah, but I didn't change. I didn't hit my bottom, you know. And, you know, I was still in denial, but I didn't know that's what it was. I used to go. I used to go to the Triangle Club. And they used to have the meetings only in the house that was next to the big building that they have now. And they had a little sign in there that said, denial is not a river in Egypt. You know, and I always think about that, you know, because the next three years, I was busy trying to drink in secret from my command. You know, the people around me knew that I was drinking and getting drunk and blacking out. And I didn't. I didn't have any control over it. But, you know, the command, you know, if they knew about it, they just acted like they didn't know about it. But during that time, you know, I was steady going downhill. You know, it was a lot of blackouts, a lot of degradation, a lot of doing things that I did not want to do and would wake up, and the worst part of it was them damn blackouts. For me, that was the worst part because when I came out of it, somebody would always say, do you know what you did last night? And I hated that. But I managed to hang in there until it was time for me to go to my next duty station, which was Fort Riley, Kansas. I got there, and that's when I got a DUI. Yeah. They used to call it DWI back then, but they changed it to DUI. But I got it nevertheless in somebody else's car, and boy, was she mad. Okay. And that's when I did hit my... And that's when I did hit my bottom. I hit my bottom. It looked like, to me, it seemed like I was just going in a dark tunnel, you know, and I just knew that was the end, that I was going to die or, you know, I just knew that was the last house on the block for me. So they sent me to another short treatment, and I started going to meetings, and I was serious about the meetings. I got a sponsor, and that sponsor was able to take me. She was able to take me through steps one through three. She had six months. She was serious. Six months. And her sponsor had five years. To me, that was 50 years. Okay. But she was only able to take me through steps one through three because she was going to her next duty station, you know, pretty quick. But when I took that third step on my knees with her, I knew something had happened to me. I could tell. I could feel a difference when I did it. I knew that the obsession. The obsession had been relieved for me from that point, you know, and, you know, that's just the way it worked for me. But the thing that I did not grasp was the concept of staying away from slippery people, places, and things. Yeah. So, anyway, everything was going good. I had about six months, and I went to a club. So I went to this club where I didn't drink, but they had this, I'm going to call it liquid. They had this little bottle of alcohol in a little bottle, right, that they passed around the dance floor. And I just took a whiff of that, right? It was just one minute, right? And after I did it, I said, I think I did something wrong. You know? And that thing just nagged at me. And I went back to the meeting, and I told them at the meeting that I did it. They would not tell me to pick up a white chip. They said, you'll figure it out. I was like, oh, man, that thing just nagged me, nagged me, right? And by that time, he was telling me, it was time for me to go to my last duty station, which was Honolulu, Hawaii. And when I got there, funny story, when I got there, I'll tell you real quick, when I got to Hawaii, my order said 4th Chapter, Hawaii. Okay. 4th Chapter was the kickback place, right? When I got there, I'm talking about they had screened-in porches on the barracks, you know, and I was like, yeah, this is where I want to be, right? Because they said, you don't want to go to that other place. You want to go to Schofield Barracks, because that's a division, you're going to go to a field, you got to do all this physical training, leadership stuff, and this is where you want to be. And 4th Chapter was right at Waikiki. I was like, oh, yeah, you know. I waited to get my orders to make sure they said 4th Chapter. And I got there, and the first sergeant said, be glad you ain't going to that other place. He gave me my barracks key, went up to my room, I was like, oh, yes, all you got to do is go to work, come home, that's it. And they called me down to the office, and the first sergeant said, oh, I'm so sorry, they said they need some people at the division. Oh, my God. It's like my chin was going back like this, right? I was like, oh, no. And I cried all the way going up to Schofield Barracks. And the guy was in the car looking at me, he said, it ain't going to be that bad. I said, yes, it is. But actually, it turned out to be the best thing for me, because I was in the best shape of my life. You know, I learned a lot of leadership things, I learned about goal setting, and, you know, it really was the best place for me. I was glad that I actually ended my tour duty at that location. Now, real quick, when I got to Hawaii, I went to a concert, right? Commodores, right, was in downtown Waikiki. And so I was there with a friend, right, and I told her that I drank, and I asked her to get me a Sprite. Well, she got me a Sprite with something in it. I did not smell the drink, and I drank it. I sipped it. And I said, I told you I don't drink. And then I thought to myself, you know what? I'm going to drink this drink and go get my white chip tomorrow. And that's what I did. See, when I took that third step back in Fort Rowley, it worked for me. I knew what I needed to do. I took that drink, went to the Black Experience group in Honolulu, Hawaii, picked up my white chip. I started going to meetings again, and got me a sponsor. My sponsor was Portuguese and Hawaiian. Her name was Gail Dupree. And she was tough. She had 12 years. She's passed on now. And the Black Experience group was called that because they were trying to attract black people because a lot of black people were not going to meetings at that time. That was, you know, in 85, and, you know, there was like a lot of them, I guess, new to the island, you know, that, you know, and did not want to leave, you know, for alcoholism. So they didn't go to meetings. So that's why they came up with that group. And I was part of the first crew to come to that group. And so she told me I would work I would do the steps with you if you come over every Saturday that you can. And be prepared to be here for two hours. The first hour or the second hour we're going to fellowship, then the next hour we're going to work the steps. Okay, cool, you know. And so, you know, step one for me was the first part of it was easy, you know, I was powerless over alcohol as far as I was concerned because I couldn't stop drinking. The second half of the step is what I had a problem with because I thought it was unmanageable for me, you know, when I drank. Because that's been all the mayhem happened when I drank. So that was the unmanageable part. But I did not really realize was actually it was when I didn't drink that was the unmanageability part. Because when I didn't drink, I was rest assured of a discontent. You know, I was always full of fear, you know, I didn't know how to have relationships and this what led me to drinking, see. So, you know, I didn't discover that until later. Step two, restore me to sanity. You know, I said, what? Restore me to sanity? You know, I was like, they trying to say I'm crazy. Okay, you know. And I said, well, I must be if I'm here. Step three, turn my will over. I thought that was pretty easy. I just made a decision, you know, to turn my will, you know, and my life over to the care of God, you know. But then I realized that step three was much more than that. I had to do that on a daily basis. Because the 12 in 12 says, you know, it's how well I turn my will over to God is dependent on how effective that the whole AA program is. So I had to do that all the time on a daily basis. Steps four and five, you know, for me, set up that's how I set up myself to drink. It showed me my patterns, you know, for setting myself up, you know. And it also talks about, of course, in step five about it being an ego deflator, you know, but it also builds character, see. That's the flip side of it. So, steps six and seven, I'm still working on my defects of character. You know, every time, you know, I think that they are all at bay, right? Something will pop up and I'll have to work on it. So that is also part of, you know, the journey, the continuing journey. Steps eight and nine. Step nine is where I got free, you know. Don't cheat yourself in this program. Oh my gosh. Step nine is just like a burden was lifted off of me. I can, you know, I didn't have to look over my shoulder anymore. I could stand up and I could talk to you face to face. I wasn't fighting all that fear, you know, anymore. I mean, it was absolutely wonderful. And step ten is actually my favorite step. I like in step ten so many things, but one of the things that it says is, and we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol, for by this time, sanity will have returned. Isn't that something? You know, I was, you know, step two, you told me I was crazy, you know, but now sanity has returned. I said, well, I need to know that, okay? So that was good news, you know, but it's a caveat to that, right? It said this is how we react as long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. So it's not a one-time deal, you know. Like it says, I get a day to reprieve, right? If I keep working on this on a day to day basis. Step eleven, real quick, I do pray pretty much on my knees every day. When I first, my sponsor told me about prayer in the beginning, she told me all you got to say is please in the morning and thank you at night if you don't know how to pray. And that's what I did initially. The meditation part for me, I did a lot of research on meditation, but what works well for me and in a pinch real quick is just getting quiet and breathing, you know. And when I used to run a lot, that was real easy because that's all I could do, you know. But it works well walking too. Step twelve, I, you know, let me go to the second part. Step twelve, working with others could be so rewarding. But it also could be very heartbreaking. But the deal with that is I can't carry the alcoholic, you know, and I just need to stay sober through it all. And it's all kinds of service, you know. I used to hate, you know, having to sponsor people. What am I going to tell them? Oh my God, you know, this is so scary. You know, but, you know, that's part of it, of course. But also chairing, chairing a meeting, discussion leader, and other types of service. Or even service outside of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, having had a spiritual awakening enables me to do that now. And speaking of having had a spiritual awakening, you know, that, you know, that thing right there, you know, I just have a lot of joy now. You know, a lot of joy. I can do a lot of things that I would not have done before. I'm now living my best life, you know. I ain't going back and forth. But anyway, you know, that's that's because they always like that. I have a lot of friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. And I get all of this as long as, again, I stay in fit spiritual condition. You know, I get to live life on life terms, you know, which means every day is not going to be a pretty day. Every day is not going to be a fun day. You know, but I get to do that without a drink. You know, and some of y'all probably don't think you can have fun without drinking. I have a lot of fun. My family and friends will tell you. I have a lot of fun, you know. You know, I DJ. Yeah, I still do that. Okay, anyway. And other stuff, you know. But the world just opened up for me. You know, after five years when I got sober, after five years of sobriety, my brain seemed like it just, I don't know, went through a healing. And I just started getting all kinds of creative thoughts. And creative ideas. And was able to start capitalizing on them. So, let me just close with this. This is from Freedom From Bondage. This great experience that released me from the bondage of hatred and replaced it with love is really just another affirmation of the truth I know. I get everything I need in Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything I need, I get. And when I get what I need, I invariably find that it was just what I wanted all the time. Thank you.