First Step at Fifty — I Kept Changing Liquors Instead of Admitting I Was Powerless — David K.

Everybody ready for a meeting? This is the NABA Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting. My name is Cecilia and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NABA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our own personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. Tim? Okay, I'm Tim. I'm an alcoholic. David, I only had to ask him one time if you would tell a story. He was celebrating his third birthday a couple of months back. He signed up and got you on schedule. He shows up and tells me that he's a big Paul McCartney fan. I'm a big Paul McCartney fan. He knows everything about these guys. He's a music lover. So, thank you. And it's your night tonight, David. Please come up. I'm David, an alcoholic and an addict. Glad to be here. This is the first time I've ever done this. I'm very nervous. In fact, I was thinking about running out the door as he was speaking just now, but it's a little too late. So, I'm really happy to be up here tonight to tell you my story and what it was like. What happened and what I'm like now. So, I was born in New Jersey in 1963 and middle class family. Dad, very hardworking guy. Parents are still married now, 62 years. The middle child. And had a very average growing up, you know. The thing that I remember most is that I like to be isolated. I like to, when company came over, I like to go up into my room and not hang out. I like to be alone. I like to be alone. I like to be alone. I like to hang out with anybody else. That later came a lot that really showed what I was becoming later on in life when I went isolated. But the first experience I had with alcohol, I grew up in Jewish religion. I was in a temple on Saturday morning, like when I was 10 years old. And I drank a lot of wine at temple after the service was over. And I got home and I had a hangover. I was supposed to go to New York with my parents that day and I couldn't make it. And I'll never forget how miserable I felt. You know, I felt good at first, but then I felt so sick. And that stayed with me for a very long period of time. My alcoholism really didn't come out until I was, until I moved down to Florida. When I moved down to Florida from New Jersey, I was 15 years old. I started drinking and I started doing other things. And I had blackouts. And my first blackout was on a New Year's Eve. And I had a blackout on a New Year's Eve. And I had a blackout on a New Year's Eve with a bunch of friends. And thank God I wasn't driving, but my friends left me in front of my parents' house in front of the front door, you know, on New Year's Eve, trashed, you know. And my parents thought I was dead. You know, I mean, I was white as a ghost. That was my first experience, blackout. You know, still didn't learn. I just stopped drinking vodka at that time, you know. And then I went to college, University of Florida. And fraternity initiation, I had another blackout. And, you know, and now it was wild turkey. I wasn't going to drink wild turkey anymore. So I just kept on changing the things that I would consume. So I stopped drinking wild turkey. Got through college, you know, never really did anything to the excess in college, you know. But I was, but I was showing my true alcoholism. I was, you know, not only addicted to alcohol, but drugs, sex, you know, whatever it was, I, you know, I wanted more. I wanted more always. My first job out of college, I was living in Naples, Florida, barely three months out of school. I wasn't very happy living there. Went out with one of my friends one night and we went to a bar and it was all you can drink. The next thing I remember is walking around Bonita Springs, Florida, three o'clock in the morning, half naked, not knowing where I was and finding out that I was, woke up from a blackout. Lucky that, that I made it somehow home. I had found out the next day. That I had actually knocked on somebody's door. They were scared of me because I pulled into my apartment complex evidently, but I didn't knock on the right door and I was trashed. My friend passed out in the car. I didn't wind up making it to work the next day. I lost my job as a result of this because I was supposed to fly somewhere the next day. And it was another experience with the blackout for me. And I was out of work for six months after having gone to undergrad and grad school. And I had to, you know, what I thought was a good job, but I wasn't happy. And obviously I was showing it. So I had to move back in with my parents. That was in 1987. So I stopped drinking. I stopped drinking. I figured, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to black out all the time. I better only drink in moderation. So I picked up the pace and everything else. You know, I had very unhealthy relationships. I was very controlling in my relationships. Did a lot of other drugs and somehow managed to keep a job. I never got in any trouble at work, but my personality was definitely one that was very, very uneven. And as time went on farther and farther, um, you know, a lot of people around me saw the kind of, you know, what I was, they, they saw the alcoholic in me. Um, 1995 skipping ahead, 1995, I met my soon to be, um, wife at the time and it was off to the races. I'd never really. Um, done the hard drugs and alcohol and all of that. And all of a sudden that's where I was, you know, just a lot of life in the fast lane, everything all the time. Um, and it was not only jeopardizing my life, it was jeopardizing my relationship. It ultimately could have jeopardized my career. It didn't, but it was always on the edge. It was always on the edge. I went from management to sales because there I didn't have to be in the office all the time. People didn't have to see me all the time. I could work from my house and I was effective, but I also had a lot of free time. And with that free time, there was nothing good that came of it. So got married in 1996, moved down to Atlanta or up to Atlanta. Um, and kept on going, kept on going, you know, somehow managed to produce two children with my wife at the time, but just the, the drug use, the alcohol just kept on going and the, you know, it just got harder and harder to stop. And my life was all about it. It was, it was how fast could I recover from my last use? You know, that's how it was. And, um, and, and I remember I travel a lot for work and I remember being on MARTA one day in like in 2001 and saying, my life is just, I'm out of control. I'm out of control. I got to stop. I got to stop. And it was a, it was a passing moment. I could tell you where I was on MARTA on the way to the airport at the time I said that, but you know, I never, I never stopped. I just kept on going. I kept on going. I kept on going. I kept on going. I kept on going. I kept on going down that road. And people talk about hitting rock bottom, but that bottom for me stayed around from 2001 to 2013. I just kept on hitting that bottom. I lost my wife. Um, you know, my relationship with my kids was horrible. Um, I managed to keep my job, um, because I was working 800 miles away from the home office and I was producing somehow I was selling, but you know, my bosses every once in a while said to me, do you have a problem? Do you have a problem? Do you have a problem? Do you have a problem? Do you have a problem? Do you have a problem? Do you have a problem? Do you have a problem? Do you have a problem? I was, I went up there in New Jersey and I had used and drank before the interview. I had no idea how I got that job. I would, I would do that before meetings. You know, there was one time that I flew to Memphis on a business trip after an all night bender and I was sitting there perspiring, you know, at this meeting, it was hot outside, but it wasn't enough that my shirt should have been just drenched with them sitting and meeting with these people. I mean, it was, I just kept on hitting that bottom, that bottom. And, um, and then, you know, then it all started crumbling. So I would, I got divorced in 2000 and, um, 2003, um, gave me my freedom. I'm like, oh, she's gone. Now I can do anything I want all the time. You know, now I can live by myself. I can isolate all the time. I don't have to report, you know, the people that don't see me 800 miles away and I'll just keep on going. And I did that. And I, and I lived, I remember I lived. In 10 different apartment complexes between Dunwoody and Brookhaven in 10 years, I just went from place to place to place, you know, and I would never stay more than a year. And, um, and it just kept on getting worse and worse and worse. Had another relationship. It was, I was very controlling in the relationship. Um, you know, managed to bring her along for the ride with all the, you know, with all the abuses that I had, the drugs and the alcohol. And, um, it was worse and worse. And then, you know, it all came to a head and, um, in October, 2013, it was a Friday. And, uh, and I was, uh, I played golf with some clients in the morning and I came home and, you know, just going to hang out by myself, make some dinner, watch some baseball. But, you know, the plan, the plan and what happens is not what happens, you know, started to drink, started to smoke some pot. You know, my drug dealer called, said, Hey, I'm in the neighborhood, you know, and, uh, and, and I proceeded to go and, um, go out and buy my thing, come home and, uh, lock my door in my apartment complex thinking that, Hey, the next 48 hours is mine. I've got no kids around. I've got no responsibility. And then boom, knock on the door. And I was already trashed. I didn't know what to do. Most people, when you hear a knock on the door, you look in the door, you see who it is. You don't let them in. I opened the door and it was two, uh, Dunwoody police officers. You know, they had seen me do my transactions. I was outside, you know, they had smelled the house from outside and I let them in and I was intimidated. I was, I was trashed. I didn't know what to do. I was shaking, you know, and, um, I got arrested and I spent Columbus day weekend in the DeKalb County jail. And, uh, you know, that was the bottom. That was the bottom. Now, you know, a couple of things that I missed along the way is that I went to counseling and my counselor used to hand me a sheet and say, here, here's a list of AA meetings. I think you're an alcoholic. You should go. You know, this is three years before. And I would throw out the sheet. No, I'm not an alcoholic. I just have a problem, you know? And then I had a girlfriend, the girlfriend that I took for the ride down the path. She said, if, if, if you don't stop, I'm going to leave you. And I'm like, well, I don't need a girlfriend. I'll just keep on using, you know, I'll keep on drinking. I don't, I don't need anybody but myself. I lost my relationship with my kids, with my sister. My sister didn't talk to me, didn't say anything about it, but they all knew. I was using. My parents were worried. My friends, they would call. I would, I would cancel lunches on people, you know, business associates that were close with me. I would cancel at the last minute. So people knew what was going on. I knew what was going on, but it didn't hit home until I went to jail. And when I thank God and I think that actually have gone back and thanked one of the arresting officers for thanking God that I went to jail because those three days in DeKalb County jail made a difference in my life. I, you know, I sat in that jail and I wrote a letter to myself, to God, to my children and to my family about how I had to change, how I needed to change. I needed to find something. And I came out and I went and I met with my attorney and he goes, I suggest you start going to AA, you know, and that was the first time I went to an AA meeting with the desire, knowing that I had a problem actually, because I had gone to other meetings before years ago and just never had a problem. And I was like, Oh, well, all I did was I was never paid attention. I would go out and I would use and drink after the meeting. It was not, you know, I thought the big book was the new Testament. You know, I thought everybody else's problems were the reason I drank the first chair. I ever had in a men's meeting down off of Paces Ferry and 75. All I did was talk about, you know, it was how my ex-wife was a bitch and how my father-in-law was. And everybody said to me at the end of the meeting keep coming back. I had no idea what they meant. You know, I blame that. I still didn't know what it was all about. But the first time I went to a meeting, I went to 8111, October 13th of 2013, and I sat and I listened. And I said, I didn't say anything. I just sat and I listened. And I decided I'm going to go to another meeting tomorrow. After the third day, I was traveling in St. Louis on business and I called my attorney. I'm like, hey, I went to AA. I've gone to three meetings. He goes, don't call me back again. You're a friggin' alcoholic. Don't call me back for another month. Just keep on going to meetings. And I remember sitting humble on the streets of St. Louis in the middle of the day after lunch and just saying, he's right. I need to just shut up and just keep on coming back and not say a word and just listen. And, you know, I went to meetings at 8111 for a while. And then I decided that I was obviously, well, not obvious. I didn't want a felony on my record. So I decided to go to drug court. And, um, so meanwhile I was coming to meetings, I started to go to drug court from March of 2014 through last March. And this past March went for two years and went to as many meetings as possible. My first experience at NAVA was coming on a Saturday and doing some community service, I think, and cleaning the kitchen downstairs. And that's how I started to meet people at NAVA. So, you know, I hit the rock bottom. I started coming to meetings. You know, I've had four different sponsors since I've been on the program. One of my sponsors went back and overdosed. He's still alive, thank God. But, you know, nothing's perfect. Nothing's perfect. But each one of the people that have worked with me have showed me the way at the right time. They really have. And, you know, my sponsors, I thank God for them and for everything that they've done with me to work with me. Because I'm, I wasn't teachable before. That wasn't a word. It was, you know, I used to joke around with my friends that the book I was writing was, it's all about me. Everything is about me. And that's how I lived my life. And I don't live that way anymore. You know? So, let me look at my watch. I don't know how much time I have. I shut my watch off, actually. Okay, so I got a few minutes, right? So, here's some of the things that I have now after 35 years of using and drinking. 35 years. From 15 to 50. You know, I have a healthy relationship with my sister. My sister is six years older than me. She is so happy and we talk and she knows how serious I am about AA, about being spiritual, about this program and constantly working. And that's so important to me. I have a healthy relationship with a woman which I've never had before. A truly loving relationship where I'm not trying to manipulate her into doing something just to please me. You know? And we have great friendship and we have great talks. And, you know, normal. It's normal. It's the first normal relationship I've ever had. You know? It took me 50 years to have a normal relationship with a woman. My parents. My parents don't worry about me not answering the phone. They never really knew a lot about what was going on until I was in jail. Then they knew everything. You know, but they always had their suspicion about things. But my parents don't, you know, to the best that Jewish parents can, they don't worry so much anymore. They still worry when you don't call them. My job. You know, my job, which I was lucky enough to keep all those years. Now I'm productive. I don't sit around. You know, my mind is working. I'm using it the right way. You know, my idle time, I don't do the things that I did anymore. And I'm productive. You know, I'm a good employee now. I don't lie on my expense reports. I don't cheat them out of time. You know, not work half the time. So that has been amazing. You know, the foundation of it for me, everything has been this program. And believing in God. Because when I used to go to a church or a synagogue, I would use it before I walked in the door. Even on the highest holidays of the Jewish holidays, I would go in and I would be under the influence of something. You know, I wasn't truly looking at God or believing in God. I was just always escaping. Always escaping. So, you know, now I'm much more spiritual in that sense that I have a relationship. I go to the synagogue every so often. I talk to the rabbi. I have friends. Obviously, they're Christian and I spend a lot of time with them as well, too. And the biggest thing that I've learned is to give. You know, I've tried to expand my network. You know, not only through Drug Court, I try to stay in touch with the people that I went to Drug Court with, but the people in the program. You know, I try to meet new people all the time. When I travel, I go to different meetings in different cities. And it's not an obligation to me. I know that in order to keep on staying sober, and growing spiritually, and in this program, I need to come to meetings. And I try to go to like five to seven meetings a week somehow, you know, to go to meetings wherever I'm at. You know, I don't have a home group. My home group is 8111, the Friday night, 8 o'clock, but I haven't been to that one in a long time. I go to, the most often, I'm here at the 930 every day on the weekdays and, you know, get a lot out of the, you know, the literature. Literature meetings are good for me to listen. And I really try to go to those. The things that have been important to me is that I didn't, that I wasn't the kind of person before is trying to give back. So I try to give back now and give my time. So I spend time with children that don't have dads, you know, and try to go once a week to an elementary school down at Eastlake and spend time with them. And it gives me so much, it just feels great. It feels good that I'm trying to help somebody instead of thinking about myself. It's part, you know, my, my, my first and foremost these days is to give, to love, to come to meetings. The AA is more important than anything. My career is important, my family, but AA is the most important thing in my life. Coming to meetings and growing in this program because of the things that's come to me since then. I mean, I've, I've seen, my friends have seen huge change. You know, I, I don't acknowledge it as much, you know, unless I take a look back at where I was and what I did. And I cringe. I'm sure a lot of you guys when you do, you know, a little, look back for, you know, five years, ten years, twenty years, whatever it was, your last time, you know, your second to last time, whatever it was, the time that you used or drank and how miserable, you know, and, and the embarrassing things that, that we have all done in our alcoholism. And, and I cringe. I cringe when I think about that, but I'm also, you know, I'm so pleased on where things have gone, you know, and I, and I never want to give this up. It's too great of a gift. You know, when I went to AA, when I was, was still using and drinking and I didn't focus, it was, it was a completely different experience than it has been the last three years. So, I haven't counted the number of meetings that I've gone to. You know, I can't tell you how many, but I know that I want to keep on coming. And I love this program. and the people that I've met through, I don't always share at every meeting. I try to listen a lot more than I used to. And I know that I still have my character defects, you know, and I try to work on them. You know, they still come out. They still come out. I still have the same, you know, character defects, but I'm not, you know, I'm not going out, I'm not drinking, and I'm not using. And that really has saved my life. I know that eventually I was going to die if I kept on going down that path. Jail was just a, just another way down that road. So, I'm really glad to be here. And, you know, the, the, one other thing that, that, that really has been most important to me is I have two young children, or two older children now, 18 and 14, two boys. And, you know, I used to do everything I could to escape from them. And now I do everything I can to be with them and to be friends with them. My, my oldest son is in his first semester of college. He was just down for Thanksgiving. You know, he knows, he knows everything. He knew, he knows everything about me and about what, what I went through. He, he, you know, he finally figured it out after I told him about, why did I always want to give him back to mom? You know, when I, when we were divorced. Why did I always look, you know, my 14 year old the same way too. And I've tried, I've tried to be very honest and open with my 14 year old because I think he's a lot like me. So he comes to meetings with me every once in a while. And he sits and he listens and he understands. He was in the house the other day and every once in a while I'll smoke a cigar. He went back to his brother at his house and the brother, my oldest son Alex, came up to me that day and said, hey, Adam saw a vape in your house. And I'm like, hmm, not mine, not mine. I said, well, my girlfriend's got three kids. I don't think that they do it. And I'm like, I know what that was. That was the torch for the cigar. That's what it was. It was the torch. But he, my son was, my 14 year old was concerned, even though I come to meetings that, what was I slipping? You know? And I, and I actually mentioned it to him the next day when I saw him. I said, Alex told me that you thought that I was, you know, using a vape. And he goes, yeah, I didn't know what that was. And I was worried about it. And that's, that's the kind of relationship that I have with my children now. You know, I've become so much of a better father than the, than the evil, evil person I was when I was drinking and using. I couldn't care anything about my kids when, when I was in that state. So, um, that's all I have. I'm a little bit early, huh? Um, is that okay? All right. Um, I appreciate being here. I appreciate MABA and everything that AA has done. Um, and, and if it, if it worked for me after being out for 35 years, it worked for anybody. So, I thank God that I'm here and thank God that you're here as well too. Thanks. Thank you, David. That was, um, powerful. And it kind of, I can relate to that because I have a 16-year-old soon to be 17-year-old. And we try to keep an open dialogue. But it's, it's tough. So, thank you very much. So now, David has asked Rusty to come up and hand out the chips. Good job, David. So, it's straight to the point. Very good. I'm Rusty Jones. I'm a very grateful alcoholic. Here at the Monday night blue chip meeting, we have a chip system. I'll call it synonymous. Synonymous does not have a chip system. We have a white chip for anyone coming in or coming back sick and tired of being sick, and tired.