Fifth Step Gut Punch — All My Problems Were of My Own Making and the Normies Said Well Duh – Sam P.

My name is Ellen, and I am an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. So tonight, all the way from Gainesville Classic Group, is Sam P. Sam has traveled quite a ways to come and share his experience, strength, and hope with us. Thank you so much, Sam. Hey everybody, my name is Sam and I am an alcoholic. Hey Sam. My sobriety date is 6-1-2015, so that puts me just over eight years of recovery in this program. And it's been... Some of the most challenging, yet beautiful years of my life. I was born in November of 1983, which for those of you who are not good at math like me, that's about 40 years ago, so I'm about to turn 40. Thinking back to my childhood and my early stages of addiction, I never thought I would make it to 40. And here I stand, if I make it another week, I'll be 40. And that's another minor miracle in this program. Hey. I was born through a loving family. My mom and dad, you know, were both loving, loving parents. They divorced when I was three, and so then I went to live with my mom. A stepdad came into my life when I was five, so there was started just a little chip on my shoulder. They ended up having a couple more kids over the years, so I had some age on them, so I was the oldest of three in the house. But I was the stepchild, and I was, to some degree, treated like such. And that just grew that little... As I got older into my teenage years, you know, I started seeing more differences in the way I was treated. But, you know, everything was, you know, normal. I never had to worry about food. I never had to worry about shoes. You know, I was taken care of. I grew up going to church. That was, that's a part of my story. I was very active in church. I had a pretty good social life in church for a kid. Around the age of 15, I think, is when things really started to change. Let me back up. When I was 10, I took my first drink. I was visiting with my father, and we went on these camping trips every couple times a year. And the guys would all get drunk. And I saw that, and I watched that, and I saw that as something men do. That's what men do. Men have fun, they laugh, and they drink whatever's in those cans. So I emulated that and wanted to be that. So the first opportunity I got, I drank. I got drunk. I got drunk the first time. I was 10 years old. I did try another form of alcohol by the time I was 11. But I never really had that freedom to be able to drink like I wanted. Around the age of 15, I really started rebelling against my stepdad. And that grew very quickly into, he stood in front of me is what he did. And when I got 16 and I got my license, all bets were off. You know, then I could go to places, do what I wanted. I had a job, so I had a little money in my pocket, and I spent it on booze and other forms of alcohol, being intoxicated, drank to have a couple of beers, drank with the intent of getting drunk. It changed the way I felt, and I wasn't happy in my own skin. Now, I didn't realize that. I wasn't happy in my own skin until I got sober. So I never really knew why I did it. But I did, and it continued, and other forms of alcohol had a huge presence in my late teens. And early 20s. I got into some trouble with the law when I was 18. My first DUI, surprise, surprise, you drive around drunk at 3 o'clock in the morning in Stockbridge, Georgia. Yeah, you're going to get pulled over. So I got my first charge. I was still in high school at the time. I was still attending high school. I wasn't really in school. They made me go, and that's about all I did while I was there. I didn't graduate. But I did graduate with a misspellings. I had a misdemeanor, which I thought was cool at the time. You know, badge of honor. That didn't really work out for me, being on probation. I couldn't drink, and I couldn't enjoy other forms of alcohol. And so probation, you know, they just kind of set up to catch people who were doing that. So I got caught a few times, and they ended up putting me in jail. So I spent, I think, about six months in jail off of a DUI. I vowed when I was locked up to, as soon as I got out, I was going to commit my life to doing everything I could to stay intoxicated as much as possible and not get caught. That didn't work out so well. It did work. It did work for about 11 years, though. I was good at it. I got good at hiding it. I got good at hiding it from family. I got good at hiding it from my wife at the time. She knew I did things, but she didn't know how bad it was. That progressed until I started leaving the other forms of alcohol alone about the time I was 25. I was 23, and I became a full-time drunk at that time. There was no steady transition. There was no, like, I mean, it was drink to get drunk, you know, as soon as I got rid of those other forms. My dad passed away. My biological father passed away when I was 25. It was a very tragic thing. He fell over, had a seizure, and the wife flied him. I was his only son, so I had to be the one that makes the call to pull him off of the life support. And at 25, borderline alcoholic at the time, that was not something I dealt with well. And so my drink did what? It increased. That's when everything really changed from beer to liquor. Throughout my story, there was a lot of switching back and forth and trying this because this isn't working. Let's try that because that's not working, and nothing ever worked. I just didn't know how to handle my feelings. I didn't know what to do with the pain. I remember thinking that I just wanted to get away. I wanted to flee. I wanted to run away from the problem. I couldn't escape, so I escaped into a bottle. At that point, that was entirely my crutch. My only thing that I had that I felt was my friend. It was closer to me than my wife was. It was closer to me than anybody in my life was. I was a servant of King Alcohol at that time. And that progressed for many years. I started having some health problems. I'd drink a bottle of liquor every day. You know, it tends to give you health problems. I was diagnosed with the beginning stages of cirrhosis when I was 29. Guess what? I didn't stop drinking. That wasn't enough for me. About six months after that, though, I was just tired of the DTs every day, fighting with it, trying to hide this drink. By this time, my wife was all over my tail. My marriage wasn't good. My job wasn't good. I was barely hanging on. I had enough. And so I talked to my wife. And she checked me in to a detox center in Gainesville, where I stayed for, I think, five or six, seven days, somewhere in there. I got out. I think I went to one meeting. I felt good when I got out. I was free of the alcohol. I had a clear mind. I had energy again. I was like, this is great. This is wonderful. And then I decided, well, maybe I can have a drink. And it happened to be Halloween. I'm going to have the rum and coke while we passed out. Candy to the kids. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why that . That sounded like a good idea, but I'm an alcoholic. None of my good ideas are great. I went and bought a bottle, and of course, I bought that. Like a responsible alcoholic, I bought the big one. Because I mean, it's more economic, right? And next thing I know, I'm getting yelled at. I'm like, what? What is the problem? And she's like, you're drunk. And I was like, I've just had the one. I've just had the one drink. And she's like, half the bottle's gone. And that's when I realized right off to the races, and it was worse than it ever was. I made it for the race. another year and then at that time I'd gotten to a bad place again shaking all the time you know having to wake up in the morning and and you know drink throw up drink throw up drink throw up just to just to get enough alcohol in me to make it through the day or not the day but to walk out the door try to hold down the job and a year like that and I was done again went back into detox was there five six seven days whatever and got out at this time I didn't feel good I felt empty I felt broken I felt like something was missing and the only thing I knew to do was stop at the liquor store on my way home from detox this time it only lasted six months and I hope that this was my last my last bender I guess as you would call it met my uncle to go fishing on the lake Lake Lanier up there where I'm from was on the way back it was about 11 o'clock in the morning on a Sunday Memorial Day weekend. I was miserable. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to turn. That childhood idea of what God was that I got from my parents making me go to church kind of resurfaced for once. And I was like, I didn't really believe in anything. Help me get a way out of this. Right about that time, I fell asleep at the wheel across the double yellow lines and got involved in a head-on collision. Five people went to the hospital. One of them was not able to go home. She stayed in the hospital for two weeks, fighting for her life, multiple surgeries before she passed away. I wouldn't find this out for about a month. I was in the hospital as well. Georgia State Patrol came to see me and told me when I got out, I would have a charge waiting for me and I have to go to jail. Nobody knew the seriousness at that time, so they let me out. I went and saw a lawyer. He said, you got to go to jail. I said, okay. And he's like, when you get out of jail, you're going to have to go to treatment. And he said, long-term residential treatment. So I got out and the treatment center wouldn't take me because I hadn't, I went in and they bonded me out the next day. So I was like still shaking. And they're like, oh, you can't come here until you get cleared. And so, or you make it three days or something like that. And so I had to spend a day at home without taking a drink. And luckily I didn't have a vehicle. My wife at the time was not going to let me go. And so I sat there and I was like, I'm going to go to jail. I'm going to go to jail. I'm going to go to jail. I'm going to go to jail. I'm going to go to jail. And so I sat there and didn't drink. And that was day one of my sobriety. I did end up going to treatment. I stayed in that treatment center for about 30 days. It was a long-term treatment, but I didn't want to be there when I got there, but they made me go to NA and AA meetings and having to listen to y'all. And I didn't want to listen to y'all. It was while I was there that I got the news that the woman I hit had passed away. And that's also when I found out that it was two grandparents and their two grandkids. When I got that news, y'all, I didn't want to live anymore. I was done. So I made a plan. I got out. Well, I wormed my way and manipulated my wife. Because I'm an alcoholic, I'm good at manipulating. I manipulated my way out of the treatment center and ended up getting my wife to come pick me up. She took me home. I waited for her to go to bed. I walked upstairs and I grabbed my gun. And something that happened in that little bit of time where I was in that treatment center, coming in these rooms, listening to y'all stuff. A little voice inside my head, while I'm playing with the slack and the trigger with a pistol in my mouth, said that I didn't want to hurt anybody anymore. And if I pulled that trigger, I was going to hurt people. I was going to hurt my family. My wife was going to hear that, run upstairs, see that. I was going to hurt somebody. And for the first time in I don't know how long my whole life, I thought about somebody else. And I thought that this is what I was going to do. But I was just going to keep going. I didn't want to do anything else. But I did. And I said, that's about it. I'm going to continue to do it. So, here's where I want to go. There's this other treatment center that they want me to go to. I was given what I would learn to call an honest appraiser. So, the next day I went into a long-term residential treatment center. It saved my life. One hundred percent. I was there for a year and a half while I was out on bond. I got a sponsor. I started working the steps. Somewhere in there, probably about step 3, you know. They're working the steps. They're making their own plan a step by step. They're doing things that are right. They've got a sponsor. You know, they've got to get the right things done. They've got to get the right step three you know they're talking about this higher power you know this power greater than yourself and i couldn't face that childhood knowledge of what i knew as god i couldn't face that that was that was too much for me to take on at the time but a higher power okay spirit of the universe if you will i could entertain that it got me through step two and in step three i am like having to turn over all that freedom that i had won for so long realizing that i never really had that freedom while i was drinking i i fought with it i wrestled with it my sponsor made me memorize the third step prayer i mean he's like okay go get somewhere quiet get on your knees and say the prayer but mean it mean it with everything you are and i i did i did that something at that time it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders it was like i don't have to do this by myself i can't describe the feeling the only way i know to describe it is called a spiritual experience at that time i was like okay well maybe there's something to this maybe maybe maybe this program can do something for me and so i dedicated myself i'm going to do the 12 steps i'm going to do the 12 steps with alcoholics and optimism so i did step four and in step five i was like all right now i get to tell somebody about all his resentment so i was excited to do my fifth step i didn't like writing down the fourth step but i was excited to do the fifth step so i got to talk about me but i rattled something off the list and he's like okay now what's your part in it what do you mean my part you know you just hear what this guy did to me and he's like no what's your part in that could have done this different and if i hadn't done this i wouldn't have been in that situation he's like no that's your part and then i was okay move on to the next one tell him whatever it was and he's like okay what's your part in it and i and i was it was one of those moments of clarity as we come we've come to call him and i i realized then that all of a sudden i was like okay i'm going to do this and i'm going to do this and i'm going to all of my problems were of my own making it was there's this big light bulb moment and he talked to any earthlings normies people that aren't like us and they were like well duh you know but for me this hard-headed selfish self-centered alcoholic that was just a mind-blowing revelation i didn't know what to make of that and so i was like okay well maybe i got some of these character defects work those steps okay well and then i'm still working those i made it through the steps and i felt different um my ninth step was a little different my wife i did my ninth step with my wife and she said uh she said let me get back to you three months later she's ready to get back to me with a big notebook full of stuff that was fun but you know what i didn't feel like i had done the steps until after i i took that tongue lashing because i deserved it i deserved every bit of that i kind of speed through the steps because that's really where my story starts you know for the most part like the i had to deal with the wreckage of my past i had to go to prison sober i spent three and a half years in prison which uh was only uh god that's the only only way i could tell it i could have gotten a lot more time i did get more time but some things the only way i know to just tell you the first year i was in prison was uh not fun at all uh i was a level five lockdown camp it was not fun um you know i saw people get stabbed i saw the people get thrown off the top of balconies it was it was not fun and there was no aa there but i had a loving sponsor that answered the phone every time i called and i had a grapevine subscription and i had a big book and that got me through that first year if it wasn't for you any of those three things other forms of alcohol and alcohol itself are very prevalent in prison it was not fun so then i got i got a i got the a disability to go state funding program that allowed me to go up to hall county work camp like the prison work camp which is hall county's in you know that's where gainesville is at so i got to go to my home county instead of being way down south and do my time there they let me go out every day and work a detail in stripes you know with the work i had done in my 20s i knew a little bit about doing electrical work so i got a lot of electrical work detail doing what i did but just a lot of electrical work so i got a lot of electrical work so i got a lot of electrical work and i said sign me up i don't care whatever it is there's an aa meeting let me get there and boy let me tell you that first aa meeting i walked into i don't think i shut up the whole hour it saved me and there was also a little program they had there called celebrate recovery um which was a another recovery group so i got two meetings a week you know it's not the same as aa but it's 12 steps and it's god-centered and it's not the same as a a but it's 12 steps and it's god-centered and it's you know what that works for me sign me up so i got there and like some of the guys i was in the dorm with like didn't always look at me like they wanted to stab me so uh that was a little bit better too but there were still other forms of alcohol when i started getting those meetings again i started feeling better about myself i started feeling more confident in my recovery i started feeling like i had unity back because that first year in recovery or first year in prison was a way my sponsor put it i was missing two sides of the triangle you know we have three sides of the triangle and it's unity service and recovery and basically all i had was my own recovery i was leaning on i didn't have the unity of the program besides the the random calls i would give my sponsor and i certainly didn't have service because there wasn't anybody getting sober down there but i did the best i could and when i got to the hall county camp you know and i got to the hall county camp i started you know trying to build back my life and one day i i get a letter and it says hey you're going to get out in like six months or something like that and i was like oh sweet they let me out early um so they took me and they transitioned me to what's called a transition center which meant i wore street clothes i went and got a real job it was like halfway in halfway out kind of kind of deal and uh i did that for like the six months or whatever and got me a good job uh make sure i got a good job and i got a good job and i got a good job making good money doing a lot of school work they were like okay all right you're going to get out in a few days they sent me to do my blood work and i was three days from going home and they said when i came in from work they said hey come come talk to me uh they're not going to let you out they're actually going to extend your time and which was a real heartbreaker and they extended it by two years so i mean it was that build-up of i'm going home i'm going home and then just getting the rug snatched out from under me i was like okay well i can deal with it i i had to go into the actual prison put on the stripes again it got worse from there i called my mom i called my mom and said mom i was supposed to get out but they've extended my time and it's going to be two more years and my mom says well i've got some bad news for you too i've got two years to live i've got cancer it gets worse then my wife comes to visit me that weekend and she says i can't wait two more years i want all within two weeks again rug snatched out from under me don't know where to turn don't know what to do couldn't talk to people about it like i i talked to the guys i could that were doing what i was doing but nothing was working okay all i could do that's when i did i just prayed and i prayed and i prayed and somehow i made it through it guy got involved again and said guess what you're you're only going to have to do like a few months and then we're going to give you back to the tc so i only did like four months back in stripes and ended up transitional center working my job making money which happily they saved up for me when i was in that transitional center too i was getting to go to outside meetings real meetings in my own group and see my sponsor my sponsor because i had to do another four step at that time you know after everything that had happened i needed another four step and i did it and i did the fifth with him my life started getting better i started letting go of things i started letting go because when i had a home and i still had a wife i hadn't lost all of that this selfish alcoholic had like that little sense of superiority that ego you know uh i hadn't lost everything i didn't have to lose everything god saw fit that i did lose everything because i didn't have anywhere to live didn't have a wife you know i started at scratch and i think that's the way god wanted it so i got to start over with a clean slate i started looking at things with that positive perspective and so at i was like okay well it's time to rebuild my life you know eventually they did let me out they let me have a little cash in my pocket enough to buy a vehicle i wanted to live with my aunt for a while because she was she was local i made sure that i hit the ground running on a good good healthy set of habits i'm making sure every morning waking up doing my prayers doing my meditation doing what i need to like i think i was doing five meetings a week and at this time i had four ish four or five years somewhere in there years of recovery and i was hitting five meetings a week because that's what i knew i needed i got involved with a bunch of different meetings that weren't there when i was getting sober in treatment putting putting the healthy people in my life and surrounding myself with those folks because you know i i heard the statistics when i was in treatment you know that you know it's like 12 percent of people who get sober stay sober or something like that and then i heard it was like three percent of addicts who get sober stay sober and and then i they pump you full of statistics when you're in those prison classes they make you there when they tell you that only 27 people who go to prison don't come back you know the recidivism rates 73 percent and so i'm like looking at all these statistics and like wow if i want to succeed i have got to do absolutely everything in my power that i can do to succeed and that's just simply what i had to do or i could face it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do it and i had to do I've already worked it out. You're going to do it here. You're going to be with me in my office. He's not going to, like, go crazy or anything on me, is he? He's like, no, he wants to talk to you. And this man, y'all, wanted to meet me to forgive me. I had a chip on my shoulder and never live up to potential. And, again, more motivation for me to keep doing the next right thing. You know, when I was doing the steps and when I was doing everything else, you know, one of the things, the sayings that stuck in my head, that still is so true to me today, is if I'm not the problem, there is no solution. And so that meeting with that man was even more of a catalyst for me to keep doing the right thing. Now, it hasn't been all roses and sunshine since then. I was able to get out before that two years that they extended me. Me again, God. And I was able to spend. A final holiday season with my mom. There's nothing short of God right there. Because guess what? She died right at two years when she told me. If God hadn't gotten involved and I hadn't gotten out, I wouldn't have gotten to spend that last Christmas with my mom. Sadly, she died of cancer, bone cancer. But I got to do something I never thought I'd do. The shoulder for my family to cry on. My little sister, my little brother, my sister, my stepdad were asking me if I'd get through this because I knew I'd lost my dad. You know, how to help me with this. And I had learned in treatment grief, how to process grief. You know, all these tools and stuff that we learn in this program here, normies and nerd friends, they don't have them. You know, a lot of them don't work on themselves like we do. And I was able to share that with them. They were able to learn and we've been able to repair relationships. I get along with my stepdad now. It's funny. I quit drinking. I get along with people. I was really dedicated to rebuilding my life. Bought a little house north of Gainesville. I love that little place because it was my new spot of freedom. The freedom to do the things I wanted to. You know, I could do my meditation when I wanted to. I could do meetings when I wanted to. But I was also dating at the time. I was dating and I wasn't having the best luck dating. And surprise, surprise, alcoholic. Learned a little bit about myself. Kind of had a heart-to-heart with my sponsor and a couple other guys in the program. Opened my eyes a little bit. I met a woman in a meeting. It was funny, you know. I'd never dated another alcoholic before, but dating somebody in recovery has been, was an absolutely wonderful experience because we actually worked on a relationship. And that was interesting and new. And I wouldn't change it for the world. And today, she's my wife and she's sitting right back there. That has been one of the coolest things is having a true relationship. And that's what sobriety has afforded me. The ability to have a true relationship with people. And that is just absolutely awesome. I got really frustrated doing electrical work. Guess what? I got God involved. I said, God, I'm very frustrated working 13 days on, one day off, 12 hour days. And I, I need to change, but I don't just want to change jobs. I want to better my life. And again, you know, he's there when you ask him, you know, he's there. It doesn't always give you what you want, but he gives me what I need. And I was able to get a better job. Um, you know, I came up doing construction, 30 booths, you know, coming home, smelling my every day. Now I have an office job. I work in engineering. I, I'm not an engineer. I didn't go to college. I didn't graduate high school, but that's where God wanted me. I, I, I feel I have a purpose as God intends it today. Uh, and I am God's plan. You know, it's no longer I'm fighting God's plan. It's I'm embracing God's plan. If, if you'd asked me if to write down everything I wanted in the first five years in recovery, I'd have sold myself short 100% because I have a life today that I never dreamed of having. And, and I'm actually, knock on wood, if I make another week, get to celebrate 40 years when I thought I'd be dead by now. You know, when diagnosed with cirrhosis at age 29, I should be dead by now. And that's yet another piece of motivation. You know, I've been to jails, I've been to institutions, I know what's left. And that's again, more motivation for me. That is my story, but I thank y'all for being here. Y'all can have a meeting without me. But I can't have a meeting with y'all, without y'all. Thank you. Sam, thank you so much. That was a very powerful, very special story. Thank you so much for sharing. We have asked Tim to give the trip. Hey, everybody. Hey. The folks were saying that we had a spiritual sacrifice. Do you want to get started in this program for the first time? We'll come back. We've got a little white shirt here. All right. Anybody with 30 days. All right. The big 6-0, anybody got 60 days? I've got 90 days, and I don't know a lot. Blood back in the alcohol stream. I've got 90 days. Six months. Yellow. Nine months, green. Blue chip. Who has the cigarettes in their coffee? Blue chip for somebody? Me. I'm Ellen, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, this is four years. All I can say is, this is four years coming back. All I can say is, this is four years coming back. Four years coming back from a really, really, really scary and deathly relapse, basically. When I wanted to die and I was begging to die, my God was saying, you're not going to die because I'm here and you've got a purpose, and right here is what my purpose is. And that is to show you and anybody else in here that it can be done as long as you work the program, stay in the rooms and stay connected, get a sponsor, be honest. Because honesty or dishonesty is what took me down. And that is, I'll feed them what I want them to know. And that is, I'll feed them what I want them to know. And then I'll just work it out behind here. So, that's what has kept me here and will always keep me here. Service work is definitely the one thing that will keep you sober. One last chance for a white chip tonight. Not tonight. Come back tomorrow. Keep coming back. Congratulations on the chip you hope. Thank you, Jim. Thank you, all for joining the Blue Chip Speakers meeting tonight. It ain't what you thought, but look at what you found That you love so hard It's just an old newspaper, a blowing car Yeah, there's a rather cracked up smile from a pissed off wind There's a sad soul song that you used to share A space where you used to care Hey, you'll find some You'll know about his pride When we've had enough There's weeds in the walk Where the home place leans Cattails crying in a dried up stream You take a long day to burn That's pride