Fellowship of the Spirit — Not the Fellowship of the Problem – Russell S.

My name is Russell S.. I'm an alcoholic. I'm here for the donuts and coffee. They promised me. Well, I want to thank you. I do appreciate it. They promised all the way up here. I'm saying to, uh, Raider, right? What's his face? I'll never forget what's his face. I'm saying, man, I can almost taste that coffee. You know, I mean, I can almost taste it. And, uh, you know, and, uh, and I came here and everybody's got like coffee and everything. I would say, what was it? Two Alkies promised me coffee and donuts. And I was almost disappointed. But then, uh, I remember I usually tell my sponsees, anybody who's ever disappointed by an alcoholic is sicker than the alcoholic disappointed. Okay. You thought you actually thought these people were going to show up. I mean, who told you that shit? You know? So this is on the 12 steps. And we're going to talk a little, I think we'll have a little fun. We, we weren't having any fun here. You know, I was just talking. Talking about Jesus or something, or just to try to see if I could get somebody pissed off and didn't work. But anyway, I think it did may have worked on a couple, but in any event, so I, uh, so I went down to, um, talk a little bit about service. I, I, what, what's, who am I? What am I doing? I was so, Oh, I haven't had a drink since January 25th, 19 81. So I'm in my 25th year of sobriety. No, what am I? 45th year of sobriety. That's why I have Braden here, you know, and, uh, and in any event, so I'm going to talk about a few things about service and stuff like that. And, uh, which is, uh, which is going to lead into maybe what I'm doing now in my life now and how it is. So I was, um, at any event, so I was, I was doing the steps, uh, after I had about two or three years. I was doing, I don't know what it was three or four or five years. I was doing the step, this, this stuff we do down here, which is really indigenous to South Florida. They don't have it anywhere else. As far as I know, I thought everybody had step series, but they have it down here. That's it. So I got on this thing in Dayton, Brown County doing these step series. And I was doing a step series. I was relatively new doing this stuff. And of course I, I wanted to, I wanted to, uh, make sure I was doing the right thing. I used to come with the books, college books, you know, and I was doing the, I was doing the, I was doing the, I was doing the and all that shit, you know, and, uh, it's nothing wrong with that. It's okay. But, uh, you know, it's, and, uh, you know, and so I went out to the homestead group and, uh, I was not there at the homestead group and, uh, and I had a bunch of room was filled and everything. I think I was doing, I don't know this. He was doing the third step of the fourth step. I was doing some step. It was, it was, if you look at the Guinness book of world records, it's actually ranked as the worst AA meeting in the history of alcoholics anonymous. I don't think anybody's actually ever broken that record. Uh, it was, it was absolutely terrible. Nobody, it wasn't like you guys, like every once in a while, you guys chuckle or something, but it was like, I'm telling it was like an oil painting. Nobody was laughing. I could tell they didn't like me. Nobody laughed at any of my jokes. I wasn't going over anything in it. It was like, it was like a terrible, terrible thing. And I said, and it was very embarrassing. And, uh, so I left, I said, I said to myself, I said, I ain't going back there because it was embarrassing. They obviously didn't like me and I'm not going back there, but, but even as I'm saying myself, I'm going to make an excuse. I mean, you know, I'm cause I'm an, if you're an alcoholic, I'm an excuse. I mean, I'm sorry. I couldn't make it next. My mother died. You know, the dog died. I had a shampoo, the chicken, you know, whatever. Whenever you come up, whatever floats your boat. And, uh, but I wasn't going to come back because it was embarrassing and they didn't like me and, you know, and, uh, and, but I knew I was going to come back to a site because I had this sponsor. I had these sponsors and people and mentors and I don't know if they ever told me this, but I was absolutely sure they were big on service. And, uh, I'm talking about the days, you know, 40, 45 years ago, we'd actually go out to people's houses. We'd grab them. You know, I take people to meetings and I, I pick up booze along the way so they wouldn't go in the DTs. And those are the days when we were doing wet work. You could actually go, you can go to an Amy. There was, there'd be a guy there drunk. You know, I mean, it's, it's, you say, well, what the fuck is he doing here? You know what I mean? He's an alcoholic. Get him out of here. You know, whatever. I guess you had to be there. But anyway, so that's what we did. We went to hospitals. We went to all these places. We went to all these places, detoxes and everything. And, um, and so, and that's how I was trained. That was, that's what we did. That's what we did. You know, we did that. And, uh, and so I, I went down, I'm doing this thing. I say, I ain't going back there again, but I knew, I knew, like, you know, you somehow know certain things. I knew, I don't even know how I knew this. I knew that if I didn't go back, I'd drink. I don't know how, I don't know where that came from. I knew if I didn't take, keep my word. Yeah. Somehow. After four or five years or whatever it is. Uh, I don't know how this happens. I saw a direct, a direct linkage in not fulfilling your responsibility and drinking. It wasn't, well, if I don't come or maybe I'll feel better. It was like, I knew it was like the next step to not going back and keeping your word was right to the boobs, you know? And I believe that, which is not, I don't think it's a bad thing. So I went back to after I'd done the worst AA meeting. I don't know the history of alcoholics and on this, I went back there again, uh, and, uh, before I started meeting, I sat down and some guy came up to me and, and, uh, he said, um, this has something to do with the 12th step, by the way, and, uh, usually I don't get right into it, you know, but I sort of try to wrap it up. So he comes up to me, he says, can I, can I talk to him? He's like, I said, sure. He says, listen, you don't know me. My name's Joe or whatever it is that he says, look, I just got to tell you that meeting you did. Yeah. So he said, yeah, that saved my life. So the same way he says, he says, you know, I had come home and my wife left me and she took my baby and I lost my job and said a couple other things and I was going to go drink. But what I did was instead of drinking, I figured I, I stopped in on the room and I was, you didn't see me. I was sitting all the way in the back of the room. But when you said. The chicken was on the roof, the entire program came together for me, changed my entire life was unbelievable. You saved my life and I really want to thank you. And I said, well, you know, I had never said the chicken was on the roof. You know, you got it all wrong. You know, I said the Turkey was in the basement, the whole thing wrong. I took credit for it. You know, I. I think it's, it's the right thing to do. I said, oh yeah, chicken on the roof. Everybody knows it's all over town. Everybody knows me by that statement. You know what I mean? And, uh, and thank you. And, you know, as I was driving, I realized what the 12th step, I didn't realize what the 12th step was about. And all of a sudden I realized what it's about. I had gotten it all wrong. You see, I thought the 12th step was we carry this message to other alcohol. How many people think that 12th step says we carry the message to other alcohols? Anybody? Think that that's what I thought. And then I realized that I had just done the worst meeting in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. And as a result of doing the worst meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous, some guy had an epiphany and I saved his life because he heard me say something I didn't say. And all of a sudden I realized it doesn't say that we carried the message. To other alcoholics. It says we tried to carry the message. We have nothing to do with it. And the one thing I did right in that meeting, the only thing I did right in that meeting is I did the best meeting I could do that night. It was the worst meeting, as it says in the, but it was the best meeting I could do that night. And what happened was, you see, I said, I said, turkey in the basement. And it flew across the room all the way to the back of the room. And this guy is sitting there and it goes into his ears, turkey in the basement. And God knows exactly what this guy had to say here. God knows what he needs. He goes in here, turkey in the basement. He hears chicken on the roof. And I get the credit. And I get the credit. And all I did was show up and do the worst meeting in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's how, apparently that's how it works. So, you know, it's, it doesn't matter if they all drink after the meeting or you just do the best job you can. That's it. That's still God's in charge of this whole deal. So, in any event, so I was, so I had these sponsors and people and mentors and they, it was all about service and it was all about service. These guys were crazy about service. You know, and I know some of this stuff you may have heard before, but I'll, bears repeating, reputation doesn't matter. So I, I was, well, I was, yeah, I was about a year sober and I was broke. And I had a, a new wife and I think we had a baby or something. I don't even know what the hell was going on. We had kids and, and I had no money and I'm driving around like in a big Cadillac and I only had $50 for gas and I had no money. And I don't know what the, I think it was about behind, in the mortgage like two months or something. I was scared shitless. I didn't know what to do. And I'd wake up in the morning. I, you know. wake up at three o'clock in the morning uh and uh you know worry about this thing and i go and see you know it's like bad it's dying i was dying you know of anxiety of fear what's going to happen to me and uh so i uh but uh you know i i i i should have told somebody like my group but i'm not gonna not that i give a shit what they think about me but i i'm not gonna tell those guys what they know you know what i mean so i i kept it to myself you know what happens when you're scared you keep it to yourself it like gets huge you know and it doesn't help at all and uh because i was scared to tell anybody because i had false pride you know and uh i wanted people to think that was a big shot or something like whatever the hell outlaws think when they keep things to themselves and uh and so it got so bad that my sponsor bob sullivan at the time i i i had it i had to tell somebody because i was going nuts and uh so i said to bob i said uh i said can i talk to you he said sure we were this is right before the meeting he's setting up and everything he's he's doing the coffee and everything set up and i'm talking i talk and i said listen um you know i i don't know uh what's going on he says uh i said i don't have any money you know i'm broke i'm too much i tell him the whole thing he says he says hey don't even i got that solved we're going to solve that problem tonight i said really says absolutely i said man i got the greatest sponsor in the world he's gonna write me out a check for a thousand or something you know what i mean and that's i'm getting all ready to receive the cash you know and i'm look a is good but i mean we're talking money here you know what i mean i mean it's nothing wrong with being spiritual but i mean you know it's like money it's not not important it's just right up there with oxygen you know and i'm you know i'm so i'm so he said so i said so how are we going to solve it he says i'm going to show you right here he says come on over here he starts showing me how to make the coffee and i'm thinking i'm thinking now this is how we make the coffee and everything like that and i'm thinking i don't think i really explained myself well you know what i mean i think i could have been clearer on what the real problem was you know he told me i was going to be making coffee from now on and believe me it didn't escape me that he was the one who was making the coffee you know what i mean i mean this is how they get out of making the coffee getting the new guy to make it and and uh of course i didn't understand how making coffee would uh help me at all but but anyway so the next day i uh no money came in and so uh nothing came in so i was like depressed you know no no regular people get depressed i was like very depressed suicidal you know what i mean and i didn't want to go to the meeting and uh and uh because no money had come in i was depressed i want to go to me but i had to go to the flipping meeting because i had to make the stupid coffee because if i didn't make the coffee what are the people going to think about me not that i give a what people think about me you understand what i'm saying um i'm working on i'm working on a theory or uh have like issues they're they're messed up and they're thinking you know so i it's just a theory at this point i haven't put the whole thing together so in any event i uh so i went and i uh and i made the coffee i went to the meeting and the next day i went to the meeting i made the coffee and i went to the me i made the coffee and three months went by and i was making coffee and and the money came in and i was okay the money came in and uh and uh some guy came up to me and he says hey i can make the coffee i said i'm the coffee maker son of a you know what i mean get your own coffee cup you know i'm the guy you know so that's how they get you into coffee white sub white suv okay very good thank you thank you that was what was disturbing me that was disturbable thank you that's very kind of you i was thinking is anybody going to take charge here you know so i'm uh so they told me to go to so i've done i've done i i don't want to i don't want to make it sound like bragging but i i i have some like stories you know you get these stories not only is it funny you get these stories so i see sponsor guy named my first real serious sponsee was kevin i love kevin kevin lived with us for a few months i love kevin i loved kevin kevin had some issues you know what i mean he did he had issues he was a former recon marine you know in the jungle and everything like that all that sort of stuff and a great guy the funniest son of a bitch you'd ever seen in your life you know but he couldn't stop drinking and uh and that was the deal he couldn't stop drinking and uh and uh so uh uh so kevin i would take him i would take he would never he would never eat he wouldn't eat he wouldn't eat he would he wouldn't eat i said kevin he says okay i'll he'd eat uh this is what he ate coffee a slice of toast and a cigarette that was his pretty much his diet you know coffee and he was depressed and he'd be chain smoking and everything like that and and uh and one day we're at we're at a uh you know like a denny's or something like that and uh he's talking to me about you know the same he's oh it's always the same story he was talking to me about how fucked up his life is and how depressed he is and everything like that he looked like he was about ready to commit suicide and uh you know you learn a lot by sponsoring people and working you just learn a lot you know stuff you know and and uh so uh and people are scared of sponsoring people but you only learn by you know you can't break them can't you can't alcoholics they're like cockroaches after a thermonuclear crash the only thing that's left are cockroaches and alcoholics you know the alcohol haven't you ever heard of this a guy's head first into a car kills a family of four and babies and they don't even have a scratch you know what i mean just alky's that's no you can't hurt what are you gonna do you got that you gotta hurt them they'll go out and drink you know it's not gonna kill them you know well maybe it might kill them what so what's the big deal alky's we're about as common as dirt but in any event so this guy um so he's sitting there talking about how suicidal he is and all that sort of stuff one guy called me up the phone once he says i'm in poughkeepsie i'm gonna kill myself i said why in poughkeepsie why would you do that in poughkeepsie you know maybe it was poughkeepsie that actually caused it i didn't know so i said that i said to kevin i so he said he was all bummed out he was going to commit suicide and i said uh are you hungry he said no i'm not hungry i'm not hungry i said well why don't you why don't you order some soup some soup i don't order some soup so i you got some soup you got the soup the toast and he says and then this happened and that happened that happened he said he starts eating his soup and i said and he's he's looking like he's going to kill himself and he's eating his soup and i said kevin let me ask you something said what how's the soup and he looked at me he started laughing he says it's great soup's good isn't it you know you know you think we have some sort of massive like psychological fucking problems you know what i mean sometimes you just need to get some sleep see alcoholics they don't know how to sleep they don't know how to eat they don't know how to dress themselves they don't know anything sometimes just say uh just have some soup you know and that solves the entire fucking problem you understand what i'm saying i mean you wouldn't know i'm i'm this is endless i'm not bullshitting you you think you got to send them to a psychiatrist you know get pills for me just chicken soup you know the soup is good soup's good you know what i mean so kevin i got a couple kevin stories good stories god bless them may you rest inside you know uh so i so i so kevin uh what what would happen with kevin he had like um women issues um but anyway he did he had because he would he would sober up and he was a funny guy he had a great personality and some woman would snatch him in aa it was usually somebody like he didn't have like three days and the guy would have like 13 months or something you know what i mean and next thing you know he's living with her you know so and uh he so he so he'd be uh so he'd be living with me so he called me up he says russell he says what he says so it's looking at this gal i'm not gonna give her a name joanne let's say you know what joanne you know it wasn't you but he says russell he says what i said what kevin he says he says he said listen he says he said last night joanne tried to stab me in my back while i was falling asleep with scissors and i said he says yeah yeah that's not all he says he says i was talking to somebody on the phone that was when we had phone lines you remember when you had fun on the phone and she cut the phone line she said right roxanne's like you don't know what's going on says, you don't know what that's like, Roxanne, do you? Maybe her name was Roxanne. I'm not sure. But anyway, I can't remember exactly. No, it wasn't Roxanne. It could have been Roxanne, you know. But it wasn't Roxanne because he was still alive. But anyway, it's like, I know that for sure. So what happened was so he said, so I said to Kevin, you know, to the sponsor, I said, you know, Kevin, I'm thinking that when a woman tries to stab you in the back with scissors, that's like God's way of telling you that it's time to move out. And I wasn't even sober that, I wasn't even sober that long. And I figured that out. You know what I mean? And I don't even think that's in the big book. This is like an original. You know, with me, you know. And he said to me, this is what he said to me, he said, he said, Russell, what about love? What about second chances? Don't we give people second chances? What about tolerance? What about kindness? Did I tell you that Kevin was a salesman? What about this and what about that? And before, five minutes into this thing, I'm starting to think, well, maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I should go to Al-Anon and get fixed or something. Maybe, maybe I'm like jumped to conclusions. Yeah, of course we were out on second chances and like a week later he was drunk. You know what I mean? That was the end of that, you know. So he got sober again. Kevin got sober again. So he's sober about, well, what happened was, let me tell you how he got sober. He tried to punch a cop and they sent him to Avon Park like nine days or six months in Avon Park. It was a prison for Alkies. And they also have a girl's wing. A female Alkies wing. Or I guess a female. Now, I don't know how the deal is, but somehow he was there for, he did his three months and this other gal, I forgot her name, Annie. Annie. You tell me, she says, this girl's gorgeous and everything. She did her three months and they kicked him out. Like beforehand because they were fraternizing, you know. Because that's what Kevin did. He'd get three months and they'd fraternize with some gal and they set up a house together. They set up a house together. I was going up to Tampa to go to Burns Steakhouse with my wife and I said, well, Kevin, why don't you meet us over at Burns Steakhouse, you know, tonight and I'll buy you dinner and, you know, we'll meet Annie and all that sort of stuff. And so we're waiting there at Burns Steakhouse. And he didn't show up. You know, I was a little worried about him so I called up and I said, Kevin, we're here at Burns Steakhouse. You're not here. He says, Russell, he says, you wouldn't believe what's going on. I said, what's the matter? He says, Annie. I said, what about Annie? He says, well, I'm here in the apartment. And now Annie's in the balcony. I said, yeah. And I'd hear this screaming and I said, what's he doing? He said, well, she's nude. She's naked. I said, yeah. And she's got a butcher knife in her hand. I said, yeah. And she's got a bottle of vodka in her hand. And I said, yeah. And he said, what is she screaming? He said, she's screaming get out. So I I say, Kevin. He says, what? I said, I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen to this. He says, what is she screaming? Get out. I said, this is what I want you to do. I think you need. I think you need to leave. You don't really have to be brilliant with this shit. I said, I think you have to leave. And he says, well, what about love? What about tolerance? What if she hurts herself? I said, what is she doing now? She's screaming. She keeps on screaming to leave. I said, Kevin, you need to leave. So he dragged again, wound up in jail again. Eventually he got sober. He was living up here. He said, I think he sponsored a few guys. He's a great guy. And then unfortunately he got some sort of sickness and passed away. And so, and, and so you can have a lot of fun. You don't want to miss any of this stuff. And so I, they have, we have real, we had relay down here. You know, relay is relay is you volunteer for relay and you you're on the phones. And what happens is my, my deal was every Friday night from eight o'clock at night. Until nine o'clock or eight o'clock the next morning on a Friday night till Saturday morning. If you called up alcohol synonymous, you got me. And I did that for eight years. And so for an eight year period of time, nobody got sober. Well, it's, it's an interesting experience. You start off and you want to save everybody and they pick up the phone. They start talking to you and talk to you. And it's three o'clock in the morning and you're talking to them until, you know, like till four or five in the morning. And then they say, uh, something like, uh, uh, could you hold on for a second? I said, sure. And then you hear them, you hear a glass and hear clink, clink. And then after two hours of listening to that, he's just, they, they, this is the way it sounds like they talk and then, and then you interrupt for a second. Well, let me, he says, no, no, no, you got to hear this. You got to hear the, I got to say, you got to hear the rest of this. So for two hours, you're listening to this story and, and they're, they're filling up their, you know, and they're lonely, you know, they want something to talk to you. And so, and then you, you say to them, finally, when they take a breath, you say, so now about this drinking thing, I don't want to quit drinking. You know, I just wanted somebody to drink with me or talk to me or something like that. And so after you lose about a lot of sleep, you, you let them rattle on for like about 30 seconds and say, let me ask something. You want to stop drinking? And if the answer is not, absolutely, as a matter of fact, the greatest call you've been ever. Got is one, one night, everyone's like, God, but one night, I remember I got this one call and the guy said, uh, he says, I need help. I can't stop drinking. And then he shut the fuck up. You know why he was waiting to hear what I was going to say to him because he wanted help and he was going to do whatever I told him to do. And I said, this is what you do, buddy. You're going to be okay. I want you to meet me at the sunset room tomorrow at 11 o'clock for the meeting. We have a meeting. I'm going to be there and blah, blah, blah. And he'd be there. You're actually supposed to get with somebody else, but I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a sponsee whore. I grabbed for myself. Screw the other people. I don't let him die. He cares. This is my guy. You know what I mean? That's what I would do. And one night I got a call from a gal and she says, uh, my name's Joanne. I'll use Joanne again. She says, she says, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a PhD in nursing. I didn't even know you could have a PhD in nursing. Did you know that Roxanne? You're a nurse, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. I'm a PhD in nursing and I'm being watched over by PRN. PRN is what happens if you're a nurse and you get in trouble with drugs or alcohol, you got this PRN. They watch over you and they got a whole thing and you can't drink and they drug test you and everything like that. And he says, uh, and I'm a single mother. He says, uh, and I'm really worried. I'm really worried, uh, because, because I don't want to drink because I already, and what happened is yesterday I took a drink and I'm really worried because if they find out I drank, I'll lose my job and they'll take my daughter away. So, oh yeah, that's serious. He says, so if you could help me and tell me what to do to stop drinking, I'd really appreciate it. Let's make sure it doesn't happen again. He says, okay. He says, but there's only one thing, only one thing. I said, what's that? He says, I don't want to hear anything about Alcoholics Anonymous. I said, well, we got two problems, two problems. So what are the problems? I said, well, I'm seven years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and that's how I got sober. And I don't even know what plan B is because that's the only thing I know. And she said, oh, okay. I understand that. And he says, so what's the second problem? I said, well, the second problem is you called Alcoholics Anonymous. This PhD in nursing. Nobody said alcoholics aren't bright. You know what I mean? You're pretty smart and pretty sharp. Hmm. Yeah. You know, it's a, it's a, it's a tough deal, you know, being Alcoholics Anonymous. So, I mean, I got a gazillion stories. Stories like that, and they're real, and you don't want to miss, you don't want to miss this deal. It's the greatest show on earth. You know what I mean? It's, I'd rather do this than as a matter of desire, you know, meetings, all I do is meetings, trying to, and then you get to help people. It's a great, then it gets, then you get addicted to it. You do, you get addicted to helping people. I'm addicted to it. I'm addicted to it. You know, you know, at first you do it because you, because somebody tells you, you, you buy into that, nothing more ensures sobriety than intensive work with alcoholics. So, and that, that's sort of true for a while, but if you don't do some other things, there's some other stuff, there's, there's another thing you've got to get involved in. And to see just, just working and working and helping people out. Well, it's like a bandaid. It'll stop you from drinking for a while, but even then, there will reach a point in time where the worldly clamors will block out his presence if he was even there in the first place. And you'll drink anyway, because what happens is the world's too big. There's too many moving parts and you'll get cancer. The IRS will take your money or your wife or husband will leave or something will go your way. And all of a sudden you, you, you'll miss that meeting or you won't pick up that guy. You won't go to the house. Something will happen. It'll get to you and you'll get very depressed or something, whatever it will happen. And you'll, you'll end up in one work with for you. I mean, it's hard to believe that somebody who's stayed sober for five or 10 years, you'll be sober for 10 or 15 years doing all that stuff and maybe doing everything perfectly in a, and what you think perfectly is all the work, working all the tools. Hard to believe that something like that could actually drink after 20 years or drink after 15 years, but most do most do, you know, you don't realize that as you're coming up because it's like everybody. So you go to these conventions, it's 50,000 people and everything like that. But you see. What happened every once in a while, you say, well, I had 10 years and then I drank at 20 years and then I drank at five years. Then I drank at six months. You don't keep track of that. You just know what's happening. But you know, what happens is when you get into your like thirties or forties, that kind of stuff, what happens and you sort of look at the, the deal, you look at the whole deal, you know what I mean? Like, and you go to these conventions, they do these things called countdowns. Anybody ever see a countdown? And what happens is you see that. There's a gazillion people that have eight years, seven years, five years, three years, two years, 14 years, 15 years. And then it gets past like 20 and it's like, it's like you could cheat deer and not hit anybody. You know, there's one guy with 25 and there's a guy with 28 and got with 34. There's one guy with 40 and then there's the guy with 50 who gives the book to the new guy. There's like six people. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. From 20 years to like 40, 50 years, there's like six or seven people and there's like 150, 200 people before that. And you realize that, uh, and get this, then you start getting calls because when you get up there a little bit, what happens is because, you know, if you got 10 or 15 years, you're not going to get a call from a guy with 25 years saying he wants to kill himself. You're probably not going to get that call, but if you got like 30 or 40 years, you'll get calls from people. People bump into you of 30 years, the less you do, they're sponsoring it. They're miserable. And they'll start talking to you with 30 years of working the program. I mean, it's not like they don't know how to do the fourth step. It's not like they don't know how to do the fifth. It's not like they, they don't do it. It's not even that they don't believe they'll, they'll start talking to you and the manner in which they're talking, the things that are upsetting them, you know, don't take yourself too seriously. They're taking themselves seriously. You know, they're, they're going, you're a 33 RPM. I forgot a lot of you guys here, young, you don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, the old times. Well, you're talking to 33 RPM. They're like at 78, you know, they're like a machine gun. And you realize you got a guy there that's got 25 or 30 years and he's acting and talking like he's got three months. I mean, I know guys that got three months and they're doing better than you. And you realize that you could be sober for many years and be, uh, not be rocked in the fourth dimension of existence, not experience much of heaven and certainly not knowing peace. And then you realize what's missing and it ain't the fourth step. Hey, listen, the steps are great tools. They're tools to get you somewhere. You know, they're tools to get you. You know what the tools is. There's one who has all power. That one is God. And you find him now. The steps are tools to get to him. You know, the 12, you see, you couldn't have the 12 steps. You can have the 12 down perfectly. You know, Bill Wilson had all 12 steps. Perfect. He wrote the book, but at 23 years sober, he was very depressed. And he didn't know what the problem was because he found a day. And you know what the problem was? Cause he tells you what the problem was. He knew all the 12 steps, but he, he knew all the 12. But he didn't know the one, you see, you know, you, you can, you can, you can, you can know, no, no, all 12 and do all 12 and not know the one. Uh, you know, but, uh, but nothing, nothing you can, you can, you can have gratitude and that gratitude can fade. Uh, if you don't have worship, you know, and you can tell yourself you believe in God. But if he's not the central factor of your life, you don't have worship. You know, you, you can tell yourself, yeah, you can hold hands, you know, and say the Lord's prayer and all that stuff. You can do all that stuff, you know, and act like, you know, God and all that sort of stuff and believe it and believe it. But, but if you, if you don't wake up in the morning thinking about him and you don't go on the bed and go to bed thinking about him and all during the day thinking about him. And all you want to do is pray. All you want to do is talk about him because it's the most important thing in your life. Then you don't have worship. He's not the central factor of your life. And the problem is to the extent that you're not thinking about him, the world, the worldly clamor, you know, you know what Bill Wilson said when, when, when he first had that amazing experience, remember what he said? He said, um, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, cheering me of this terrible disease. I got to keep talking about it. I got to keep telling other people, that's what Bill Wilson said. And I'll call us down to some of the three to, uh, you know, to build, I think it was to Bill Dalton, uh, Dotson, you know, and Bill Dotson said, I was sober, but I knew there was something more, something I didn't have some sort of release, some sort of happiness. And I didn't know what it was. And then Bill was in my house one day with my wife and yet, and, and he said this line, he said, they call it an AA, the golden text. They even have a name for it. The goal. He says, he says the Lord. That's like a, that's a Jesus thing, by the way, because back then that was before the traditions and the Nazis took over and you could say shit like that. You understand what I'm saying? I'm talking about, I'm talking about that time between 1935 and 1939. Remember that time? That's the time in the big book. They say, rarely have we seen a person fail. Who has. Thoroughly, that's a sentence, sentences are important, thoroughly followed our path. The path they were talking about is what they were doing between 1935 and 1939. The big book was published and written by Bill Wilson in 1939. So the path they were on had really nothing to do with the big book. The first AA meeting was Dr. Bob putting his foot on the dining room chair. And reading the sermon on the mountain, Matthew five, six, and seven. Dr. Bob says, and Dr. Bob would go to old timers, uh, the books that we found absolutely essential were first Corinthians 13, sermon on the mountain, the book of James. That's the time. Remember when Ann Smith, every morning, they would have a Bible that reading or from the upper room or something like that. And you couldn't get into an AA meeting. You remember between 1935 and 1939, you couldn't get into an AA meeting unless you got down on your knees. You gave your life to God. Yeah. Yeah. You remember that time? Don't you? Oh, no, you don't remember that time. You don't do that stuff anymore. So, so, so that's, that's the time when, when Bob Smith went to Clarence, the brewmaster in the hospital, and he was 135 pounds of this is in Dr. Bob girl timers. If you ever actually get past the big book that was written when he had 33 years and getting some other literature. So Dr. Bob went to see a Clarence brewmaster. He was 35 years old. He's in the hospital. And the first. Question he asked him, uh, was, um, do you believe in God first question? Do you believe in God? And Clarence says, what does that have to do with it? And Bob Smith says everything. Well, I guess I do. Well, Bob could have been satisfied with that. You know what boss says? He says, yes, nothing. There's no middle of the road shit here. You either do. Or you don't. He says, I do good. Get down out of the hospital bed and get on your knees. You're going to pray. He says, I don't know how to pray. That's okay. You just do what I tell you to do. And he did. And that's when Clarence says that great line. He says, I did what I was ordered to do. There were no suggestions. So when you hear that, so you see, if you understand the sentences and you understand what they were doing. And instead of making believe, you know what AA is all about, you actually read the shit and get into it and know exactly what they're doing. Then you may realize that when the book says, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Then you'll realize what their path was. And that you have to thoroughly follow it. Otherwise, you're just not living a life. You're just not living a life of rigorous honesty. You're just bullshitting yourself. And then you'll understand why very few people make it past 20 years. Then you'll have a different vision of AA and why this is happening. And you'll understand that it has to do, that all the things we do, the four steps, they're all necessary. They're all important. Look, many times I'll say to somebody, you know, you need to do an inventory on that. You know, you need to do a fist. But the truth of the matter is. You can do all that stuff. It's like, it's like being in prison, like an AA prison, AA coffin, do all that stuff in AA and you can still drink because you want to know something it hasn't, it hasn't changed you to the point where you, where you've got the one thing, which is the only thing. And if you read the last page of the big book, it says, but we won't know you, he says, we can't be sure of that. God will determine that because your real reliance has to be on him. You know, when you start reading the sentences, you know, they mean something, you know, and then I'll say, he says, see to what your relationship with him is. Right. People talk about being spiritual. Spiritual is rarely talked about in the big book where, where, where right in the same sentence or the next sentence, they're not talking about God. They're not talking about. And, you know, in AA, if you go into an AA room, sometimes you can walk through an AA room for an hour and people talk about all the problem. And we'll hear one person talk about God, let's say like HP or something like that. It's almost like they're allergic to the word because they don't want people not to like them because some people, because unfortunately what happened with the traditions is that a lot of people use the traditions to seal the lid on the AA coffin and to keep you to a certain place where you're never going to be. You're never going to be able to leave that place. And Bill Wilson started understanding that when he had 23 years sobriety and he almost drank again. And he said that there were some people that were really way beyond the traditions and everything else. He called them the benighted ones. He said, perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA. Don't, don't, don't let, you know, the traditions, I mean, they're good. There's nothing wrong with them. I mean, the tradition, but you want to some, I don't worship the traditions. And the fellowship is not my God, the God of my understanding. Neither is my sponsor of Bill Wilson or anybody else. Even Dr. Bob knew that. He said to Bill Wilson last words. He said, he said, let's not screw this thing up. Let's keep it simple. And if, if, if you really do this, anything good and you get a hold of the one that has all power, you want to know, you got a whole, you might actually, you might be, you might find yourself in a different AA. You might actually, find yourself in AA, but a different AA, you know, one guy came to one of our meetings. We have a workshop on Saturdays. I go to there every Saturday and it's five hours and we get 80 people from all over the world. You know, and you know, we talk about faith logs, we talk about God, that people that all sorts of time, you know, and that kind of stuff, you know, you may find, and some guy came to me, he says, well, wait a second. Well, is this violate the tradition? He says, I thought this was AA. I said, I said, this is AA. It's just not your AA. It may not be your AA. You're welcome here, but this is AA. This is our AA. This is how we do AA. You know, and we do meetings like that all the time, you know, and people, and, you know, some, we get people that have like three days and they never leave. Next thing you know, they got three years and if you talk to them, they sound like they have 25 years. You know, it's a different kind of deal. It's the kind of deal that was going on between 1935 and 1939. There's no middle of the road solution. There's no half measures, you know, get, you know, it's the fellowship of the spirit. It's not the fellowship of the problem. One guy once told me about the crabs, you know, I told people about the crabs, a bucket of crabs. You know, if you go crabbing, you go crabbing. He said, you know, I don't like crabs. I don't like crabs. I don't like crabs. You know, uh, if you go, I don't, I'm not a crab or I don't go crab, but if you go crabbing, you know, you throw a crab into a bucket. He said, and he says, you know, I keep a crab in a bucket because the crab will start trying to crawl out of the bucket. He says, you're throwing another crab because when the, when you throw him the second crab, the first crab will try to crawl out, but the second crab will grab onto the first crab and bring them back in. And if you start talking about God too much in an AA meeting. What will happen is, you know, one of the crabs will grab you and tell you you're killing newcomers. That's what they'll tell you. They'll tell you you're killing newcomers, you know, they'll, they'll, they'll grab you right back into that AA bucket. You know what I mean? But if you say you're an atheist or you don't believe in God, they'll have you chair the fricking meeting. That doesn't bother their ass at all. You know what I mean? Even though the big book says. Yeah. This, this sort of thinking must be abandoned. They'll let newcomer hear a guy with 10 years saying, I don't believe in God. So you could be thoroughly confused about what we're about, even though the book does nothing to mention God. But if you talk about God, they'll tell you you're screwing newcomers so you feel guilty. You got to be very careful around here because this isn't well people's anonymous, you know what I mean? Really? There's some issues going on. You know? So well, that's all I have. God bless you guys.