Everyone Who Tried to Fix Me Failed Completely — That’s When Step Two Finally Made Sense — Bob W.

At 10.30 in the morning, I have barely started giving Marcelline her instructions for the day. And here I find myself, all burgled up, listening to that beautiful and well-received acclaimed goodbye. If there is no profanity, please, what in the hell do you all think I was going to say? All I can tell you is Clancy is in a real trouble. Oh, he's in bad trouble. Oh, howdy, it is good to be here. It really is. I have a special spot in my heart for the Suburban Group of Alcoholics Anonymous of Austin, Texas, for more reasons than just one. One of the several reasons I experienced last night, again, when I married... I had some very old and dear friends, as Marcelline and I came in the door last night. And, you know, I believe it's a little bit different, maybe not totally different in our fellowship, but when we make those kind of friendships, and then maybe many years go by, and bingo, we cross tracks again, you know, it's... If our separation... Our separation was of such short duration that it really didn't count. And we were instantly caught up into a new, not a new one, but the same one, but a new experience with an old friend. That's one of the reasons that I'm grateful to be here today, and one of the pleasant memories I have about this group. Another is, about 17 or 18, about 18 years ago, the people in Midland, some of their aides in Midland, decided they wanted a nice clubhouse. And they had no conception or idea about how to go about doing it, getting one. And we wrote General Service Headquarters and asked them how we might wind up renting or however, whatever method, having clubhouse facilities that were nicer than the ones that we had been experiencing. And we got letters back from General Service with packets of literature, and about how to go about doing it. And that didn't seem to solve our problem. And we heard about the suburban group here in Austin, and what they had done. This club was... How old is this clubhouse? 20 years old? Where's Cecil? He's the only one? This clubhouse is 13 years old? In any... Hey, that's right, you all came to know me. With all the modesty that I can muster, you have us to thank for your clubhouse. You know, I guess about the period of time that you all built this clubhouse, if I'd have been making an AA talk and said that, I'd have poured gasoline on myself, struck an axe, and died off the podium. And at 10.30 in the morning, I could care less. Yeah. Well, now some of you are going through an act. And it really isn't that funny. Cecil, have one of your minions bring me a glass of water, will you? That frankly dried me up. Seemed like I had two or three things that were going to be tied into that. I've never seen one fellow as tickled about you than I was. Oh, I had another experience last night here in Austin. I ate part of my teeth. Thank you. About my body? Yes, sir. You bet. Thank you. Well, when I said, I ate a cracker, see? And all of a sudden, I discovered that I'd eaten part of my teeth. One of the girls at the table said, do you think there's any hope of recovery? And I said, not at the dinner date. I'll just sum it all up by saying I'm glad to be here. Thank you. I'll leave that to you. You bet. Thank you. You know, let me tell you about because he's here today. And I don't. I don't ever remember telling this before the nightly meeting. Some of the unbelievable benefits that accrue when we've been around a little while and we've tacked on a bit of sobriety one day at a time. Marceline mentioned when she was talking last night about the time we lost our daughter, our oldest daughter, that died of cancer. And we've been in Mexico. Marceline had been with her for three months in Mexico, and I'd been down there with her a month or six weeks. And she passed away, and Marceline told you that as a result, through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, that we were able to handle this situation as well as it is possible to handle those types of situations. But sometimes when we are just desperate, you know, our prayers or our wishes rather than prayers maybe are answered in ways that just blow my mind. And I have had an ongoing experience of this nature since I've been coming to AA, different things. But when I saw Jack Clugger this morning, I was reminded of this, and I want to share it with you. We had finally made our way back to San Diego from Mexico under the most adverse of all possible conditions that have to do with the death in Mexico. And it's a hard thing to experience. Getting your loved one that's just passed away out of there is, you know, nearly impossible. But we were at the airport, and sitting in the coffee shop, one of our twin daughters and Marceline. And on three or four occasions that day, I had said to myself, God Almighty, I wish I could see an AA. You know, if I could just have seen someone, you know, I know I would have felt better. And within seconds, Mary, after a thought came to my mind once more, and we were all three of us sitting silently at a table. And I said, God, I just really need to see an AA. And I looked to my left. Not any farther than from here to that clock. And there sat Jack Clugger. In the airport in San Diego, California. And I imagine if he and I had lived 5,000 more years, that the chances would be remote. That unless it were a planned, a pre-planned event, that our paths would never cross at the exact period that set that time in San Diego, California, at the airport, in a certain area of a coffee shop. And things of this nature. Oh, incidentally, Marceline needed some cheering up, too. You would not believe what he had on. Oh, why? She was wearing a red tie with an enormous butterfly on it. So that was his gift to the Illinois. And his presence was my gift. And I'll just always love Jack special because you were there. Okay. There's as many as three people here today who have not heard me tell about me taking my first drink. Do you have it? There's one. Two. Way back there in the back. Thank you. I know I went for many, many years and grew quite sophisticated in making that A-talks and quit telling about how it used to be. And I had some philosophizing to do. And maybe kind of had it wrapped up to where if you listen carefully, you could take what I said as a set of instructions. And if you followed them, you'd become a millionaire. And your wife would straighten up, you know, and everything would be just right. But for the last few years, I've determined that it's better to go back to the way it says, do it in the book. When I was a little kid, I just, the same as I've heard so many people say, I was really uncomfortable most of the time. I had a bad run-in with authority and didn't seem to make it, you know, with parental control and authority. Or others' authority. And I stayed tense, nervous, hung up about something, and uncomfortable. It's about the best way I can describe my boyhood. And a lot of things happened. And in each one of the things that come to my mind or memory that have to do with my early childhood, the same inner anxiety and loneliness and feeling of discomfort that I experienced then truly was not much different than it was 20, 30 years later when I was drinking and got myself in bad trouble. About the only difference that I could tell is there was more things to be guilty about. And I had a hangover to accompany that original and early feeling. But the feeling was truly not much different. I lived with a small modicum of fear that went about with me, and I wasn't particularly afraid. I wasn't particularly afraid of people, and I wasn't particularly afraid of authority. I was only afraid of the hassle that my conduct, you know, would set about. And I seemed to be always in conflict with another person or a group of people. And I was just terribly uncomfortable. But when I was 16, it was when, hello, Bob? When I was 16 years old, I had the experience of having my first drink. And then, of course, things changed. Well, let me tell you about it. Because I still have it. I still think it's a keen old deal to tell about my first drink. I had never had a date. And I had, of course, not had a drink of alcohol at that time. And my brother left town and let me borrow his little car. And I had five dollars. So I instantly gained a friend, and he was much older than I, when he knew that I had a car and five bucks. And he suggested that we double date. And he went through the procedure of asking me, was I going steady, you know? And I said, well, not at this time. And he said, what do you do? Just go with one or another? And I said, that's it. But anyway, it, you know, rather quickly came about that he would have to get me a date. And he got me, this guy's about 22 or 23 years old. And he got me a date with his date's older friend. And we sat about. For a big time on the town. The first thing that they started talking about was going and getting a drink. And I was already so terribly uncomfortable that, you know, I cannot relate to another human how paralyzed with fear I was about my first date. I had anticipated and dreamed of, thought about dating and girls for a long time. And I knew that probably someday I would do it, you know. But I sure wasn't prepared when the time came. And in fact, I had had all kinds of dreams and thoughts and so forth about girls. But this particular time was the time to act. Well, they started talking about having a, getting something to drink. And I finally heard something that I could, you know, snap to. So I put that old car in low gear and went whizzing off down to Dr. Daniel's drugstore. And that wasn't the place that they intended to get a drink at all. It was out at the bootlegger's, you know. And that embarrassed me to death, you know, about when people started talking about drinking that I headed off to the wrong place, you know. And I would have given anything had I been able just to, you know, if I'd have known where the bootlegger lived. So I could have, with a lot of knowledge, I would have given anything that I could have with a lot of nonchalance driven up to the bootlegger's house like I'd been there fifteen or twenty times before. But anyway, we bought a couple of pints, with my money I might add. And this is the part that really had, you know, made a total change in the balance of my life. When they insisted that I drink first, and I guess this is some type of common courtesy that's always due to the guy that springs for the drinks. And I'm telling the gospel truth. I didn't know whether to drink one-fourth of it, there were four of us in the car, you know. I didn't know if each of us got eight drinks out of it a piece. I had no conception of what it tastes like. I had no idea of how much or what constituted a drink. And they just insisted that I drink first, and I kept saying, no, oh, no, you, you know, so I could watch. Anyway, I finally got a drink. I had no idea. I threw all caution to the wind and tilted that bottle up and took two or three big swallows out of it. And it went down remarkably easy. There was no, you know, much of anything happened. And when I found out that it wasn't nearly as hard to do as I had dreamt maybe that it would be, that after a brief period of conversation, they suggested we have another drink. And with not nearly the reluctance that I first had, I agreed to go ahead and drink first again. And I took another big belt. And this happened two or three times. And then is when I heard my first voice that I didn't recognize, you know. And I heard this voice come right out and say, hey, let's all have another drink. And to my amazement, I found it was me talking. And that truly is about all I remember about that first night. There are other things. There are other things. There are really, there are a number of people here. Thank goodness there's more of you young ones, though, than there is those old ones. But there is several people here that will remember a Model A Ford Coupe. Literally, the seat was very little wider than this, you know, and it had a gear shift in the middle. And I love to tell this part. It was so tiny that this guy, girl, had to sit in his lap. And this big old girl. I was wearing my seat belt. And the car that was on thedadding west was smashed up against me. And I've told this before, but it's the God's truth. I felt like it was molten fire pulling down my sag. I have never felt anything that hot before in my life. Man. And it's so crowded in one of those little old cars. They had a big old steering wheel made out of wood and was about that big round. And it, you know, didn't have power steering. And you were out there really tugged to turn that thing. That just happened. Not that you ever did. You know, I was out there. I turned my first corner. I turned right all night. I had no idea that it felt like that. I was embarrassed. They'd be touching her any place. There's no automatic shift. You've got a gear shift. It requires all kinds of maneuvering. I finally turned right and shifted gears all right along. And just had a marvelous time. You know, my very first drinking experience turned out just like all the rest of them. Man, I got in trouble. I got caught. I got sick, you know. And I was embarrassed and ashamed. Hated all the circumstances. Hated the people that caught me. Didn't know what to say. Finally told the only truth. Nothing that I've ever known until I came to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. When they kept on asking me why I'd done it, I said I didn't know. You know, I finally said I don't know so many times that they, in their conferences, and I might add, when they get together, buddy, you better watch out. You're coming out on the losing end. And when they would get together and call me in for a conference, the introductory remarks were always the same. They'd say, Bob, why do you do it? And I would continue to say with all the truth that I had, I don't know. One time, and many, many years later, toward the end, within five or ten years of the end, at a gathering of that sort, they asked the same question. Why did you do it? And again, I told the truth and said, I don't know. And one retort was the fact that if I wasn't such a smart addict, they might be able to help me if I would only cooperate and tell them why I had done it. Well, it became obvious to me, even in my condition, that, you know, the truth wasn't going to be satisfactory for me under those conditions. So I started making up some real tales about why I did it. And, you know, I really think they liked the tall tales better than they did the truth, because there was some, regardless of whether they could go along with them or not, there was some reason to a lie. But the truth had no reason for them because of their lack of understanding. And that, you know, that's just the way I was for a long, long, many, many years. Marceline and I got married and, oh gosh, I was so desperately in love. And, you know, that should have changed my life. And we had not been married long at all. And incidentally, you know, Marceline's dad, you know, bad drunk she was talking about last night, first time I got in jail after she and I were married, I was with him. We didn't, you know, get that started in real good shape either. But I just didn't seem to be able to catch on to this business of being a husband and then a little later on a daddy and act with the responsibility that I think so many other young men seem to be born with. I don't know where they got it, how it came about. But I know that not one time do I ever remember from the time I was a little bitty boy up till this moment in time. You know, I always wish I hadn't done it. And I have never, to my knowledge, done a bad thing to other people that I planned and set out to do it. My badness comes on me quite suddenly. And I really don't plan to wind up like I've always wanted to. I didn't set out to be an alcoholic. My Lord, you know, that was the last thing in the world that I would have set out to do, is to be an alcoholic. When I had my first drink and this feeling of wonderment came over me and I felt at peace for the first time that I'd ever remembered within myself and with the world at large. You know, I wasn't setting out to be an alcoholic and wind up in bad, bad trouble in later years. Man, I was setting out to feel good. To feel comfortable. And to get with it. And to be the things that I had secretly admired in other people and had always wanted to be myself. And it seemed as if a little alcohol afforded me the opportunity of a start in that direction. Now that's, you see, I didn't set out to be anything other than that. I didn't plan it. And in most of the things that I've experienced in my life, when they've come upon me and I've found that this is what I really am, I never planned it that way. And I know that basically down deep that I'm not a bad person. I think basically I'm a very fine and good person. And it just keeps trying to get outside and I stand between it, you know, and it's complete exposure. When Marceline and I got married, my problem, of course, wasn't nearly as acute as it was in later years. But, but a pattern had already developed. And we got married quite young. If the, if the money lasted, or the alcohol lasted, or the circumstances were such that I could exercise control, I always wound up drunk. God, I have no idea how many times I've been drunk in my life. I don't ever remember being tanked, you know. There was a fleeting moment where every day that I drank, that there was a fleeting moment in time that I kept trying to recapture. You know, I've termed my alcoholism and liken it to a marshmallow. Toasted marshmallows. You know, when you're toasting marshmallows and you've got them on a stick or a coat hanger or something and put them over the fire, next time you toast marshmallows, remember this. The moment that a marshmallow is perfect, not black, not black, but brown. Toasted and is exactly right. If you wait until it gets just right to pull it out of the fire, it's too late. It'll catch on fire every time. Every time that you try to, when a marshmallow gets just right, you can't jerk it back over the coals fast enough to keep it from bursting into the flame and making a cinder. And man, that's the way my drinking was. You know, I had a little inner marshmallow that I wanted to get just right. And I never could remember which drink it was that my marshmallow got fixed. I always took the one that burned it up. You know? And I kept burning marshmallows up, you know, forever it seemed like. Just little cinders. And I just never could experience that one drink in time that that mellow feeling and that good feeling. The feeling that let me be what I really wanted to be. You know? And I couldn't maintain it. Hell, sometimes I'd think it happened on the sixth drink. You know? And God, I'd just gulp five down so that I could leisurely drink on that sixth one and wait for this magic to come about. And then I'd think, hell, that ain't it. And I think I couldn't remember from one day to the next what drink it was that made me feel so good. Now, I know that when I first started drinking in that period of time that I felt so good, you know, I had a little length to it. But God almighty, man, the last two or three years I drank, I scooted through that time frame, you know, quicker than a bolt of lightning. I just, it was gone. I just never did attain it again. You know, I kept on drinking and kept on drinking. And as God is my maker, I was not aware of what I was becoming. I didn't know what road I was walking down. And I didn't, I didn't know how to change or be different than what I was, because I kept looking for this magic moment in time that I could live all day long or a week long and everything be just right. And I remember that years ago that I heard Jack Odom from San Antonio say something that has impressed me as much as anything I've ever heard in Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, the chains that bind us are never felt until it's too late to break them. And, you know, little but surely, I was becoming ensnared in the illness called alcoholism. And I was totally unaware of the experience that had come upon me. I had no idea. I knew that as time went by, you know, that I was getting into more trouble. But I continued to associate my problem with those people or those bankers or things external to myself. And there seemed to be no solving them. The thing that has to do with this business about the chains that bind you that are too late to break them. First off, I think there's two invisible lines that we experience or cross over into alcoholism. There's the one that we hear about so much, the invisible line that separates social from pathological drinking. And I really don't know. I guess I passed over that one quite soon. But I think there's another line. And this line, it's a little hard for me to explain. Because I don't know that much about it. But it's a line that we, some of us, who are members of this fellowship, have crossed. And once we get on the far side of the line, it's as if we recognize the problem and have lost all power to do something about it. You see, I've been told for so many, many years that if I'd stopped drinking, that things would be better. And the same old thing that all of you all heard. And I was the last one to want to stop drinking and I continue to drink. But one day, in a moment of truth, I finally came to the recognition that my problems and drinking were directly tied together. Directly tied together. And I determined to do something about it. I said, if that's all it takes, I'll stop drinking. And I had lost any power that I had ever had in the control of alcohol. And I could not stop drinking. And that was about the last two or three years that I drank. And it was the most miserable experience that I have ever known or can remember. You know, I finally came to hate every drink that I took. I despised the people that I bought it from. I didn't like others around me who drank. The only reason I ever drank with another person is because I could drink freely. That's the only reason. I did a lot of my drinking at home and certainly most of it in some old three-bag motel someplace. And all I looked for was the oblivion that too much alcohol brought. And I could not quit being what I had become. But every fiber of my being, I wanted to change and be different. I don't believe that our fellowship has ever had one person who was more desirous of being something different than he had become than I. And I gave it my best shot. Anything that I knew to do, I tried to do in order to be different than the way I was. And by God, I couldn't change. And I think that that's a line that hopefully everyone who's alcoholic doesn't have to cross over. It's total, total misery. You know, I'm one of the ones that also know that there has to be a power greater than myself. No doubt there is a power. You see, I gave it my very best shot to be something different than what I had become. And Marsh Lane and our three daughters, with everything at their command, supported by their love, wanted me to be different than what I had become. And they couldn't change me. My parents, my brothers, my close friends wanted me to be something different than what I had become. And they too, with everything at their command and their support, wanted to help me to a change so I could be different. And they totally failed. And there was some cops and some of those kind of people who insisted that I become different. You know. And boy, I just kept on being just the way I was. And they too failed. And somehow later, in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I really understood what the second step of our program really meant. You know, just really, really understood that there is a power that can restore us to its sanity and to a sane and normal way of life. You know, I don't ever again need proof of its being when not only I but everyone whom I know gave me their best shot and we all failed. And then I came to AA. And with no apparent effort, no great deal, the change started happening. I want to tell you I want to tell you how I happened to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I had been away for several weeks. I have no idea how long. Of course, laid up drunk all the time. And as Marcelline told you last night, they scooped me up and took me to the farm. And incidentally, I had a unique experience there. My mother and father, my dad if he were living, would be 98 years old his next birthday. And mother is still living and still going to school. Going to every AA convention that Marcelline and I will take her to. You know, she just loves the people in AA. Loves to be around them. And they seen me up and took me to the psychiatrist. And as Marcelline told you, they said that I was a pretty simple case. I was goofy. And they needed to lock me up for a year and a half. And maybe at the end of that time, I would come to myself to the degree that I could try outside society again. But anyway, I was down on the farm. And these people, being the good badgers that they were, had never been around anybody that had gone in so far as Marcelline and I collectively can determine over a year and been drunk enough to pass out every day. You know, I didn't take days off for anything. I didn't. You know, just hung right in there. And they had not had the experience of being around anyone who is suddenly cut away from his body. And I'll tell you, I showed them a trick or two. And none of that baddest literature had anything about that in it. But they did some little St. Titus dances and flopping around. And wailing and gnashing of teeth and mowing of tongues and things like that. But anyway, I finally got, you know, made it. Incidentally, I'm not the world's best hand when I work with people about sending them to doctors and to hospitals. You know, if that was good enough for me that way, I really believe it's good enough for all of you. And I have not wasted a whole lot of my money sending AA babies to hospitals. And I really believe, I honestly am not too big on hospital treatment. I'm really not. For at least a month, I really remembered how I got sober. Now, I'm not going to tell you I remember it in detail today, but a multitude went by. And I'm not for sure that I would have drank, you know, right then. I probably would have later. But by God, I want to tell you that that set me up for a few days after I got through with that week or ten days. That's jumping around down there. When there's an old saying that says that man's extremity is God's opportunity. And when I was at my lowest and I could not function, I couldn't be. You know, I was having trouble being. The phone rang one day and a man named Henry Walcott asked my mother if he and a couple of his friends could come and talk to me. That they had a problem very similar to the one that I was experiencing. And they wanted to come to see if they could help. And that was my introduction to the family of alcoholics and others. People that I, you know, and gosh, they lived over 300 miles from where I was. They had heard that I had a problem that was just eating me up alive. And they wanted to see if they could help. And they came and stayed and I've never remembered two days and three nights or three nights and two days or whatever. And this is the wondrous part of my story that I love to tell. These guys came and talked to me and the first day they were there I have no really conscious memory of anything that was said or anything that transpired except I have a memory of not being asked why I did it. And a day or two later I remembered that's when the feeling came to me and it came to me with great comfort. It appeared that these people didn't care why I had been what I had become. They could care less. And then the last day they were there because of an unbelievable skill that one of these men had developed called 12 step work. He was able to get me to talk just a little bit. And he said, and you know, I don't know what it was he said and I don't know what I said, but whatever it was that I said in response to his talking to me, each of these three men used the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous. And they said, Bob, we understand. And you know, until this day those are the magic to me of this program. The absolute wonder, you know, absolute wonder of me believing that you really understand, not that you saying that you understand. The magic is I believe you when you say I understand. And that identical feeling came to me at that time. And that's the most wondrous period that I have ever experienced in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and it's still a haze to me that I remember it just as a wondrous thing in my life. Those guys started me to go into AA. And as Marceline again said last night, they had a long waiting list in this particular nuthouse. And I started going to AA and they kept extending the time for me to go to check in and I never have been yet. And there are those who occasionally insist that if I didn't go then I should go ahead and develop myself the opportunity today. Let me tell you a little bit about nearly missing the boat. Just nearly missing the boat. My first four or five years in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was dedicated to what I was about. And what I was about is never missing a meeting, to go in on every twelve step call that it was possible to go on. And boy, I'm not knocking any of it. It's the greatest, greatest thing that I've ever experienced. To be at the clubhouse every afternoon for an hour, to wash cups, mop the floors, do whatever was necessary to be a part of something. It had been so long since I had felt a part of anything that, you know, that I really relished everything that I, every experience that I had connected with an AA clubhouse, the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the people in it, or whatever. I loved it. But about five years went by, four or five years went by, and I started, my business made it necessary for me to be out of town a lot, you know. And my security was in that little, old, tiny clubhouse. The people that were there, and the things that I did on a daily basis that related to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that was the first thing that I did on a daily basis that related to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. So, Alcoholics Anonymous in that town. And golly, man, the longer I'd stay away from town, the farther I got from my program. You see, I had not laid the groundwork to take my program with me. I used to have bed guys, you know, to take trips with me. I wanted somebody there all the time. And I don't know how close I was to drinking. I don't think I was within a day or two even a month or two. But I know that I had never really experienced what they called the program of Alcoholics Anonymous which is contained within those steps and within the big book. In fact, I doubt, I know I had never worked on the steps and I had read the big book, but it seemed at that time that about the only requirement was, have you read the big book? And yes, I've read it, you know. But, you know, that was a year before last that I had read the book. And nothing came of it but the fellowship of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the things related to it weren't enough to keep me sober out of town. And then the second most wonderful thing that I've ever experienced came to my life. The first thing was, the first wonderful experience that I ever had was when I had gone all day long left to my own devices and not drink. And I got out here to you one thing. That anything is better than the realization that I, you know, I've gone all day long on my own and not drink liquor. And I never will experience anything better than that. All day long. And you see, the first time that feeling that I've gone all day long or 24 hours and not had a drink and I could have had a drink and I could have had a drink and I could have had one if I'd have wanted one. You know, it wasn't as if I was doing it but it was if I had certainly done it myself because I had made a decision. I had made a total commitment to the fact that with every power of my being that I would exist for 24 hours and not drink. And I knew absolutely nothing and that's what I call God's grace in my life. You know, God's grace really is that period of time and certainly others too but most specifically that period of time when I've made a commitment and a decision that I do not want to drink anymore but I don't know how not to drink anymore and all of a sudden several days go by and I didn't do anything other than not want to drink. They'll tell you how badly that I didn't want to drink. I used to reach far out in my mind and try to set up a set of conditions that if that happened I still wouldn't drink and I started off by saying you know that if Mark Sling quit me I just didn't know what I'd do but by that day I thought about it every day and then later on you know I started making a few bucks and if that got wiped out you know by God that day I damn sure wouldn't take a drink you know I just really wouldn't and all of a sudden these conditions you know that could exist in my life and I still wouldn't drink I said if I'm back out of the driveway in the morning to go to work and run over all three of my children at one time and kill them all I might die drunk but by God that day I won't take a drink I'll be doing you and the program you want to do five step work I am so good at that you wouldn't believe you know and I'm not laughing I really am the best you ever saw talking to one other person about the program and I don't believe that I'm going to take a drink I don't give a damn if it busts small burgers I ain't going to take one that day and that's the commitment the internal commitment that I finally had to come through not to ever do it I didn't need to know him he knew who I was and he knew my desperation but there's something inside me when I'm talking not like this hell this is a secondary thing what I do best that I will do my part and for this day I will not drink and you cannot imagine what I experienced the first little while that I was sober after I would drink make that commitment that I would go all day long and not drink that every commitment I had ever made had gone down the tube and I said this is one that I'll hang with and I might tell you that on the twelfth day of this month I will have strung together 25 years one day at a time of drunkenness that the program of alcohol economics couldn't reach I've seen those that certainly look like that they were impossible and I know some today that are still out in the weeds flopping around you know and I'm like all the rest of you every once in a while I say well I can't believe it and I can't believe it well you know I I know what I know and I know deep down inside that we all have the same chance but when I look at some of you I just said there ain't no way and then a while later that the only way the only way that I can evidence any gratitude that I can mouth you know and the platitudes that make up gratitude and all my saying it about how grateful I am that I'm sober today and I do so thank God and where's a tinker's dam unless I put it in action and the way I you know and God just nearly every day I look back and I ain't doing it right you know just nearly every day I look back and it's just not the way I really wish it had kinder in my home group you know and Jesus I just I just cannot imagine people that don't have a home group you know there's some kind of cousin that you know that I don't know much about and to support my home group and get to know the people in it I believe a good member of alcoholics anonymous does and keep on being just that way you know I use the word pumping and okay uh someone asked me to repeat last night someone asked me to repeat something that happened to me two or three years ago and during the day I was in a trance state not those kind of trance but a trance when you eat a big lunch and you know you're sitting in a nice place or stretched out someplace and I had a dream I was about half awake and half asleep and on a road most wondrous it was the smoothest road that I have ever experienced just like glass and this bike was everything about it was perfect and it had grease in the right places and it was as if it required no effort it was right in the back and without knowing it I came without realizing it came to an incline and it was slight but it required a little effort to pump the back and I continued to pump and the hill continued to a sharper incline and finally I don't know how steep it was but every bit of strength I had and barely getting the wheel to turn over and I was in a state of exhaustion and I came to I just finally stopped and straddled the back and you know on the hill just a nice guy and he said what's the matter and I said damn I can't pump this thing up the hill and he said well can I help and I said sure jump on and this cat got on the back behind me and it was so enjoyable that I quit pumping just purely enjoying myself and that went on for some while and I thought my god now this ain't a good deal no one ever had one and you know the temperature and he said I'm not pumping one more turn unless you help and that was the end of my dream it wasn't that fancy a dream and a day or two later I thought you know that's like my life that god has ever had to give has been bestowed on me you cannot imagine the good things that have happened to me there is not an area of my life that has not been enriched and fulfilled as a result of any member of our age you or him or whoever you know I rest on my laws and I'll let you pump or it pump or him pump you know that's not really the way it is that's not really the way the big book you know we gotta do our share there are so many many things that I still need to do and I have a method and I have you to help me and that's to fit myself to be a maximum benefit to God and the people about me I heard a guy not long ago making a talk it wasn't it had nothing to do with that age and he said something it was very short and impressed me and I've tried to correlate the idea of it with what I've learned in that age this guy asked four questions and the first question he asked was what am I and the fourth question was what can I do and I didn't know the answer to any of them so he gave the answer his answer to the first question what am I was a privileged invited guest I beg your pardon what's going on here and he said that we had all been invited to a party and at the party there were all kinds of games being played you know there's a game called marriage and a game called job and a game called marriage and there were all types of games and about the only rules that they had for the games was that you were the only one that got to decide if you were going to play or not and if you started playing that you spilled in would be the only one that got to decide if you were going to play or not and I said contribute something to the party isn't that fantastic learn to be a contributor and I don't believe that there has ever been a method given to man that so enables alcoholics among us thank you and God bless each and every one of us