Emotional Sobriety & Perfectionism – Tom J.

I'm here. How you doing? Come on. All right, thank you. Damn, Sam. I'm wired up here, y'all. I was anyway. Anybody know how to work this thing? Where's that taper? I want to choke him. I got it. You see his coat? It's coming off. my name is Tom Brady Jr. I'm an alcoholic did y'all notice this afternoon that Earl's hyperactive I love to visit Earl how many times do you say hyperactive Bob, do you count it I go out to visit Earl and I sit there in the chair and watch him go by just zip zip zip this lady I go with named Eileen she's just like him and I watch them both go by zip zip makes me tired just to watch them Anybody who heard Bob this afternoon and Earl tonight who still believes that recovery is a matter of quitting drinking and living happily ever after I'd suggest to you you need a battery of psychological tests Now Earl's a sweet man He's one of my dearest friends in all the world I love him with all my heart And I've learned more from him because he kind of forces things on you. He sends me a case of books at a time. And he'll call me in a couple days and say, You finished those yet? You know, 12 books at the time. It's pre-AA literature, you know, and it's been fascinating to read it. And here comes a case with books. I mentioned to him one time, he does things in volume that I like his homemade pecan sauce. He sent me 12 jars of it. I gave it to everybody. He's a sweet man. He's one of the best living examples of what this program can do on the face of this earth, okay? Now Bob this afternoon. I will tell him I appreciate his talk on the 12 steps relative to his latent homosexuality I was gonna say that but you took it away Anyway, he's a good man. Fascinated by what he said this afternoon. I asked him after the first session to please quit stepping on my toes. And some of you probably felt the same way. One of the best presentations on steps I've ever heard, Bob. And his message, the overriding message that I got out of it is in spiritual growth, the job is never done. We never arrive. Now, if some of you are feeling a dilemma now about your wishful thinking about recovery, I'm going to add to it. Because the message of Alcoholics Anonymous never was run naked in the woods, beat on a drum, sing three choruses of Kumbaya, pat your butterfly on the ass and fly off to glory. but that's what a lot of people seem to think it is now you know well I'm here when do I get happy and I know because that's where I was now I don't make this presentation at a conferences that's the reason I got notes with me tonight I was asked to do this and this first time probably last time they're gonna do this at a conference but I learned I was already on the program so there wasn't much I can do about it. And I feel special, you know. Bob and I both get to talk twice. And I always like being special anyway, you know. Many people out there are looking for new ways to recover and new ways to deal with the problems in sobriety. And I'm not. And And I'm not for the simple reason that I'm convinced we already have a way. It was talked about very eloquently by Earl tonight and by Bob this afternoon. It's a way which has worked so consistently and so well and so long for so many. That's the 12-step way. It's worked so well for me that I've now been sober for over 31 years. And I am grateful for that. You had an old boy who lived up in Luray, Virginia named Julian B. And Julian used to tell a story about how an old boy went down to the flea market and bought him a bull fiddle. It didn't have but one string on it. And he stood on the front porch and plunked that damn one string all day long, about to drive his wife crazy. She went downtown, went grocery shopping, came back and she says, you're not doing that right. And he's just plunking away, you know. He said, oh? She said, yes. The man downtown, he had four strings on his bull fidle and he was playing different notes. Old boy just plunked right on and said, I guess he's looking for something. I found what I want. And that's kind of the way I feel. Some of you know that I believe in my deepest heart that sobriety is a learning process which produces a new person living a new way of life. What Bob called this afternoon a transformation. transformation. It really is a transformation, and it is profound, as he said this afternoon. But I'm not talking about learning in the sense that some of us learned, quote-unquote, when we went to school. You go to school, you sit in rows, you get this information, you spit it back on Friday, and you forget it. That's not learning. That is incidental to learning. Gaining a bunch of knowledge is incidental it means nothing real learning is what this program gives to us if we're very careful about it real learning as a permanent change in behavior that's brought about by sustained practice of the knowledge that you gained you do it and you do and you're transformed and you don't know why but you know it has something to do with this program now the more we learn the more we grow. And we change. Now, I'm convinced that sobriety that I'm talking about tonight is not just for alcoholics. It's for all who want to grow spiritually. So what I say tonight should apply to everyone here, alcoholic or not. As we progress in recovery, we move through certain stages or levels of sobrietry. This surprises some people. It doesn't surprise me anymore. You know, in the first stage, sobriety is just abstinence. You just put the plug in the jug. And then if you pursue the program of recovery, there comes a station in this progress called rebirth. And it's more than a two-syllable, seven-letter word. It is the beginning of this transformational process which changes us deeply. And and go through the same stages we went through the first time. Any of you remember going through the terrible twos? You know, I remember my little girl when she went through a terrible two. She got some spaghetti. She had beautiful blonde hair and had it all in her hair and was banging on the high chair for more. And that was me in the terrible two's. Hell, I knew everything. Why ask anybody else everything? Walking on water was old hat to me, man. You know? It's just I was so brilliant and so spiritual that I went home and told my wife, you know if you don't straighten up you got to get the hell out because I'm so spiritual now that's the way an infant would act in it and I needed somebody changed my diapers and the group did you know I had a cradle to live in called an AA group just like every infant needs I'm talking literally a terrible tooth and we go through other stages we've got this stage I'll talk about later call call five-year menopause. And in each level, the meaning of sobriety expands and changes until we reach the very highest level of sobrietty. It's called purity of heart. Never will forget a friend of mine used to get together with me on Sunday mornings and we'd read together. Jim E. from up in Charlotte. Some of you know him, the Charlotte contingents over here. Don't pay any attention to them. And we got in this book called Ophelia. And it's a book about some ancient monks, desert fathers they call them, who practiced the interior prayer of the heart. Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me. Over and over and over. This was their mantra. And in reading through this one day all these guys talked about was sobriety. These are not drunks. And they're always talking about sobrietry. And returned in this book one day to get something to think about and talk about and meditate upon and the line said in the final analysis sobriety is purity of heart I think about that for a minute that's a long jump from abstinence in it it's a Long Jump from infancy and the terrible tooth it's a long job for everybody and purity of hard I think means clarity of thought which leads to consistently good behavior and clear perception of yourself and others the blinders come off a total acceptance of self and others unconditional love for self and others self-respect absolute surrender to God total integrity maximum service to God and others and as the scriptures say and it's not conference approved I'm going to say it anyway way, blessed are the pure in heart, for what? They shall see God. That's a pretty high mark, isn't it? And yet that's what these desert fathers said that sobriety was in the final analysis. And on the way towards this highest level, which in all probability none of us will ever reach, there's a level through which everyone who is in the process of sobriety will inevitably pass and this stage is what bill wilson called emotional sobriete and that's what i'm going to talk to you about tonight you know this is a we world it's a world of relationships of interdependency we of all people should know the power of the word we the power of connection with others and with god we should really appreciate that I left to my own devices couldn't be sober ten seconds you left to your own devices couldn t be sober 10 seconds every one of us is entirely without power and yet when we connect we have power and more to go around now you explain that I can't but I know there's great power in community it's been said that each of us as the only one who can give the other what each of of us needs to have. All of us like to receive support, approval, love from other people. We need these things to reinforce what we feel and believe about ourselves. And when we accept input from others properly, it gives support to what we know, feel, and believe about ourselves, and we're healthy. But when we become too dependent on what others say about us or do to us, our beliefs and feelings about ourselves can become based on their input only and when this happens we get sick now the last six years in my personal life and I'll talk about this Sunday morning not too much right now I have been the worst ever had in sobriety in terms of what has happened to me I like many of you was very surprised when the world didn't change when I got sober and the last 6 years been a lot of sickness a lot of death cancer emphysema high blood pressure deep venous thromboflea vitus I'm a walking time bomb, okay? But the thing that stands out in my mind was the woman that I loved most of all on the face of God's earth leaving me in 1991. Now, I hit bottom again. I went beyond grief. I went into real mourning. I went Into suicidal thinking. I sincerely asked God every night not to let me wake up the next morning. I begged to die. I'd go to bed at night and mark another day off the calendar And thank God, well that's gone You know, one less day I have to live I turned around to this And during this period of time When I was scraping absolute bottom emotionally And spiritually I think I came upon this article by Bill Wilson It was a letter That he had written to another old timer Mind you, an old timer And it appeared in Grapevine in January 1958 And it was entitled The Next Frontier colon emotional sobriety. And Bill talked about the issue of over-dependence on other people. Using himself as an example, he tells why in this article even though he was practicing the principles of AA in his life, he was not experiencing the joy and peace he thought he should feel from doing this. Although he was living the life he still felt insecure, insignificant and virtually worthless. He knew he was doing what was right and good yet he did not feel good about himself and depression his old enemy he said was just around the corner and he knew it and by looking at his life he discovered that he was and had been almost totally dependent on other groups or people to make him feel good himself he needed other people in order to to give him approval to give them prestige to give security and what's What's more, he was demanding these things of these people. In the article, I'll just read part of it to you, he said, Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionistic dreams and expectations, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression. Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies on people, upon AA, indeed upon any set of circumstances whatsoever. whatsoever. Plainly, I could not avail myself of God's love until I was able to offer it back to him by loving others as he would have me. And I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies. For my dependency meant demand, a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me. In short, Bill discovered after 23 plus years of sobriety that he was emotionally unsober it become dependent on others to provide him with the feelings which should have come to him from himself as a result of his own actions and it was his article plus my own experience of being very emotionally unsold were which set me to thinking and more than that doing some things and I'm going to share these with you tonight now i'm not a psychiatrist thank god for that i victimized quite a few of them and i'm an expert last expert i heard was a expert on marriage man she's got tape she's making millions of dollars sell them all over this country been married eight times now she knows a lot about how to get in the relationship but how about staying in them I've almost come to believe that alcoholism and relationships are almost mutually exclusive terms there are two terms I'm going to use with you tonight emotional sobriety and emotional inebriety or if you prefer, unsoberness let me try to explain them in a little red hen language which is all I can understand emotional sobrietty loosely defined find is when what I know to be true about myself and what I believe and feel about myself are pretty much consistent. In other words, I'm emotionally sober when my beliefs and feelings about me match the facts about me. When I'm emotionally sober if the facts show I'm a good person, I believe I'm a good person and I feel good about myself. And when I'm emotionally sober, the input of others affects me but it does not determine determine what i believe and how i feel about myself self-respect self-worth and any other positive feelings about myself come from within me i have what bob mentioned this afternoon integrity integrity that's become a very important word to me emotional unsovereignness on the other hand exists when what i belief and feel about my self is inconsistent sometimes totally so with what is obviously true about me. That is, my beliefs and feelings about me don't match the facts about me, and when I'm emotionally unsober, even though the facts clearly show I'm a good person, I can't seem to believe I am, nor do I feel good about myself. And when I am emotionally uncooper, the input of others almost totally determines what I believe and how I feel about me me. I, like Bill Wilson, look to others to give me good feelings, to give me self-esteem, a feeling of self-worth, a sense of belonging. In short, this is how crazy it is, I depend on others to tell me how to feel about me. Think about that. Now, any emotionally sober and un-sober people out here? You know, you don't have to be an alcoholic in recovery to be Be emotionally sober or un-sober. Let me ask you a few questions. I'm not going to ask you to raise your hands or anything. I would pass it out and grade it, but you'd all flunk. Question. Yes or no? Do you accept criticism well? Are you usually hurt or angered by criticism? Do you have a difficult time accepting compliments? Do others think more highly of you than you do of yourself? Do you depend on others to make you feel good about yourself? Anybody flunking yet? Does what others say about you unduly influence your feelings and beliefs about yourself Do you often do a good job and know it, yet don't feel good about it? Do you often feel like a loser even though you know you're a good person do you often put yourself down looking honestly at your life do you treat yourself very well do you trade others better than you treat yourself do you do nice things for others in order to get attention or compliments when you express love for someone are you hurt when he or she doesn't respond in kind Do you often feel afraid, even though you know everything's okay? Do you often feel you're not enough? Do you often feel you're falling short of what you should be and what you should do? Does it bother you a great deal when you know that someone dislikes or disapproves of you? Do you kiss ass to make them like you? That wasn't one of the questions, by the way. Do you often refrain from doing or saying what you know you should for fear of how others may react to it? Do your feelings depend on how your significant other is treating you? Bob, what are you covering up for? Do you feel you're a good person no matter what others may think? How'd you do? If you answered several of these questions, and I have a feeling some of you did in the affirmative, you're probably emotionally un-sober to some degree. Although emotional un- soberness is not confined to those in recovery, it's especially important to them because it is a stage in recovery through which those in recovery will invariably pass. You can put that in the bank. Maybe not just once either. And it can be very dangerous to them. At the least, it can preclude a happy, serene, and meaningful sobriety. And at worst, it often does lead to relapse. Two things make it very dangerous. First, the person is usually not aware of what it is nor of its presence in his life. And second, when he becomes aware of it and knows what it ist, he can't seem to change it. He doesn't know how. Let's look at these two dangers one at a time. The first danger, he's not aware of it. Why is a person not aware of the presence of emotional inebriety or unsoberness? First reason, simplest. Most people in recovery don't even know there is such a thing. I didn't. Second, because it usually represents a lifelong pattern of behavior which has become a part of the person's deepest self, his character. And because of this, it operates automatically and unconsciously just like a tape recording. A certain button's pushed and I do this. Another button's push and I'll do that. Other people can tell you precisely what I'm going to do in any given situation. It's obvious to them, and I'm not aware of it. It's an unconscious, habitual, almost instinctual response based on my internal values and beliefs and perceptions and feelings and experiences. That's what dictates my behavior, my character. And isn't it something that it operates beneath my own consciousness? the tape starts playing, you know? I'm not aware of it. Just automatic. Third, when it shows up, it doesn't give a clear picture of itself. It usually shows up as a group of symptoms which could indicate a number of problems. Some of these symptoms of emotional inebriety, other than the questions you answered, could be things like a lingering feeling. I don't mean a passing feeling. A lingering feeling that all is not well. a continuing sense of uneasiness, feeling down, a dull continuous sense of anxiety, a feeling of worthlessness. And because these symptoms could indicate several conditions, emotional unsovereignness is often misdiagnosed usually as depression. It's amazing how many people get in this stage in recovery and are diagnosed as being clinically depressed. Don't get me wrong, there are people who are clinically depressed, but then there's emotional anti-briety, and when you're going through that stage, Prozac and Zoloft ain't going to help you. What makes the condition so more problematic is that it usually doesn't show up until the person is well into recovery. And when it does show up, it does so as the vague group of symptoms I mentioned, and usually the person's doing his best to practice the program of recovery. So he simply can't understand why, since he's doing his best, he feels so bad. Good example of this. When I was a couple of years sober, two of my really good friends in my home group picked up five-year tokens and got drunk almost immediately. It blew my mind. It scared me. I never knew anybody got drunk again, you know? And two of them, bang, bang within three weeks of each other. And I said to my sponsor, what is happening here? He said, go to the hospital and ask Lewis. That was his last guy's name. And I went up there. You know what he described to me? What I've just described to you. Everything in my life was roses, man. But I felt worthless and uneasy and scared all the time, you know. And I reached for the only thing that I knew would relieve all these symptoms at that point in time. And I Went back to my Sponsor and I told him what Lewis had said. And he said, now we got a name for that son in North Carolina. minor. And I said, what is that? He said, it's five-year menopause. I cannot tell you how many people have come to me over the years, Bob, expressing these very feelings. Things couldn't be any better in their lives. But they're not happy. They don't feel useful. They're empty inside, you know. You know what to tell them? And they don't like it. It's time to join alcoholics now. And it's not related to alcohol anymore. Alcohol has nothing to do with it. What I mean is begin to do this thing as a way of living. There are surrenders beyond surrenders. You're in trouble. These steps worked on the worst problem you've ever had in your life. Who is to say they won't work on this one too, my friend? Can you surrender to your present condition and begin back at step one? Join AA. It's a way for you. It's designed for living. That's what the big book says. You know, we prance so much around about talking about alcoholism as a disease. I think we've belittled it. It's a way of life. And so is recovery. It's not a cure. It's just a way-of-life. It's no cure. What makes it even more of a problem if it's not problem enough is it usually is not clearly, note that word, identified. If indeed it's identified at all. until that person is quite advanced in recovery. Bill Wilson, you know, 23-plus years. And his letter, I'll point out, it's on page 236 in the Language of the Heart if you want to read it sometimes, okay? It was written to an old-timer and referred to other oldsters in Alcoholics Anonymous. Okay. Me, I was 26-plus-years sober before I became fully aware of what was going on. Now, mind you, Bill W., he had an inkling of what was going wrong. Remember in his story when he had to be on top in everything he did? Because he couldn't sing, he had the lead the chorus. Because he could not play, he led the band. He had to do everything. You are looking at it here. Whatever was lacking, I gained control of and I gained it quickly. And when he was without all of these accomplishments, what did he feel like? Depressed. Depressed I was aware that things were not well with me for a long time but I couldn't put my finger on it in Bill's case and in my case and I'm not trying to compare the two of us except in this sense it took a crisis with him it was oh my God, not another depression after all these years of depression oh please, not Another Depression it was a crisis, he had to look and with me it was Lisa walking out of my life now hopefully if you listen tonight you won't have to have a crisis to begin to deal with it you know God I wish I'd known about this a long time ago I'm not saying I'd have done anything about it but I wish I'd know about it so that's an interesting idea I'll wait until I'm 26 years sober and fall apart and I think it needs to be shared And it frightens some people. They say, my God, is that what I have to look forward to? You know, do I have lose $8 million and $2 million? No, you can lose a couple hundred like me, you know? Bankruptcy's bankruptcy, you don't have to go through all this like a friend of mine said at home. Lee C told me one day, Tom Fitt told me how many things I was powerless over when I got here and how many times I'd go out to surrender I'd never join this damn outfit. Powerlessness is a state of being. It can be in a cursed state of being or the most blessed state of being on the face of the earth when you just sit there and say, I can't do it. The nature of emotional inebriety that even though the person is doing well and knows it, something deep inside him refuses to let him experience the appropriate feelings he should have about himself, nor is he able to believe he's a worthwhile person and all well his feelings and beliefs are not consistent with what he knows to be true about himself in his life okay I had this brought forcefully to my attention by a friend we used to get together my wife his wife and our kids and sit around have breakfast on Saturday morning and these people were always telling me what a wonderful person I was and that made the hair stand up on my back I didn't know why but it did and and and every time they say something like that I throw it right back to them and they infuriated me this morning my one that's my friend says to me i am damn sick and tired of giving you compliments have you slapped me in the face with them of telling you i love you and had you reject me by throwing it back at me and i'm in my grand glory by then well i said if i'm so damn wonderful why don't y'all take a positive inventory of me ha ha and i stomped out the door my wife did he did his wife did and their oldest daughter did they sent me And it set me down with, I said, I'll get around to it. They had stacked that high of paper. They said, you're going to read it now. I never will forget. I went in the den. I sat down and read what they had written. Every bit of it was true. And I could not accept it. You get frightened, you know, and insecure. That's an understatement. I didn't like me and I didn' t like my life. everybody else did most people thought I was doing pretty good and I'd say well yeah I didn't buy it what does a person usually do all too often he drinks again and if he doesn't relapse he seeks from other persons groups or activities like gambling Bob the approval and comfort he can't seem to find. Most often he'll get into sick sex or emotional religiosity, I call it. It's not real religion, it's religiosity. He may start smoking again, Bob. And I feel for him. Please, I'm not putting you down or laughing at it. Hell, I ain't. I got into sick sex I went crazy I went absolutely crazy beautiful redhead walked in my office down to college and I said can I help you she said yeah I said what do you want she said you and for the next seven years I was nuts she bounced me around like a rubber ball why is it that we attract Attract borderline personalities. Why is it? I wondered. You know, one moment they're loving you to death, the next moment they trying to kill you. That woman kicked me in the testicles every chance she had. And I hung in there, man. You know what I said to myself? Someday, somehow. If I just handled it right, I would be able to control and enjoy this redhead. Then there was a brunette and then I didn't have any more control over anyhow. It just bounced me all over the world. I went nuts. Trying to screw my way to heaven. An orgasm is heavenly, I'll tell you that. But it ain't the path to glory, I'll say. I'll show you that I don't know what's wrong. some people whose lives are meaningless they go into this emotional religiosity lady in my neighborhood she's the best example I ever had of that the woman was not well and she got in this fundamentalist church and she get sicker and she come over there one day and said do you know what happened to me last Sunday in church I said no She said, I said hallelujah and froze just like that. I said, well who the hell did that help? And she just went to cussing me like you wouldn't believe, man. I don't recall Jesus saying a damn thing about freezing. Whatever it is that we get into, we fall into this syndrome. This whole group of symptoms, the emotional un-sober syndrome, what Bill called the dependency-demand cycle. It's based on false beliefs. Listen. And it's grounded always in fear. It consists of some or all of the following. Question time again. A continuing sense of uneasiness. Putting yourself down. down, seeking approval, acceptance, and emotional security from someone and or something else. I got out on the circuit in Alcoholics Anonymous when I was three years sober, okay? And I'm going to tell you something now that I couldn't have told you for a long time because I didn't know it. Until the people stood and applauded, I didn' t amount to nothing. And five minutes after they sat down, I din' t amout to nothing, you hear me? I needed that so bad. And I didn't know it. And today I realize it. You know what I said? If you all applaud, be fine. If you don't, I ain't going to die. God, what a feeling of relief that was. You know? And I did not realize that. You know, seek constant reassurance. Never getting enough approval. It is like being insatiable. Do you love me? Yeah, honey. Really? Yeah. How much? How long? Were you always feeling like a victim? Bob talked about this. Blaming others when your needs aren't met. These insatiable needs I'm talking about. Trying to control and possess another or others to ensure the fulfillment of your needs. Doing these things, again, please unconsciously and automatically if I did these things deliberately I would be evil but if I do them unconsciously in automatically I'm not evil I'm sick please note the difference intention does play a big part this pattern of behavior always leads to failure why well if your needs are insatiable you never get enough so you try harder you push people you push them you push him and you drive them away then you end up without those you think you need to meet your needs hell of a situation isn't it and your fear deepens and you try again but your own behavior ensures that you're going to continue to fail the big book I read it one time covers this syndrome in masterful detail pages 60 to 62 each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show it's forever trying to arrange the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way if only people would do as he wished the show would be great think about it masterful detail and it calls it quite aptly the root of the alcoholic's problem. Think about it. Right, Peg? The root, not a root. Selfishness, self-centeredness. And then it lays that term on us that is the most apropos thing on the face of God's earth. And Errol mentioned the alcoholic as an extreme example of self-will run riot. You know, undiscovered, this syndrome can severely damage or even destroy your life. I'm not overstating that I came that close discovered it can be dealt with in such a way that your growth will be enhanced or some of you or any of you caught up in this syndrome I'm going to ask him for a show of hands if you're not sure observe yourself for a few days watch for the syndrome or one of its manifestations and one of the commonest manifestations is usually called people People-pleasing. Like all forms of the syndrome, it's based on false beliefs and it's grounded in fear. And like all other forms, it always fails. People- pleasing, a belief. Pleasing others will beget love and approval, etc., etc., ecc. Not pleasing others will begat abandonment, rejection, the deepest fear of all human beings, the fear of being left alone. own the people pleaser tries to please to get love and approval these are not forthcoming he tries more if he does this in one-to-one relationships what happens in my experience he places his emotions and life without knowing it in the hands of the significant other he looks to the other to fill all his needs needs. He puts the other in the center of his life, makes him or her, as it were, his God. Idolatry plays a big part in our disease. Was that in your fourth step? He unconsciously tries to control and possess the other to ensure the fulfillment of needs, and what's the outcome, the other always leaves. What's his problem? His basic belief is false. He drives the other away because of his fear. Truth of the matter, even if you please the other to the max, it will not beget love or approval. And if you're looking to another to fill all your needs, you will, because of fear, put such pressure on the other that you'll drive him or her away. And thus you will bring to pass the very thing you feared. Abandonment. people pleasing in all other forms of emotional unsoberness you see are self-fulfilling prophecies and they're goaded on by fear the statement of the person in the bible I forget who it was lo that which I much feared has come upon me think about that in the book Alcoholics Anonymous we think fear Fear ought to be classed with stealing. The fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It was an evil and corroding thread. Listen, it set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. Fear sets in motion trends of circumstances that bring about the very thing that we fear. Please think about that. Second thing which is so dangerous about emotional unsoberness is that even when you become aware of it you seem to change it You know, try as he might he can't seem to be rid of it It seems to have a life of its own goes into motion automatically and the truth is it does have a live of its on where it's become an integral part of his character And the only way he can be rid rid of it is through that profound change that Bob was talking about today. A change in character. Now, character is what I really am. It's that set of internal traits like values and beliefs, memories, experiences, these things I mentioned before that cause me to behave in certain ways. Personality is what you see out here. I can put on a mask and you think I'm anything, but my character you can see in my behavior. I kan tell you that so-and-so is valuable to me that if my behavior does not support that, I'm a liar. Look at the behavior. Trace it. Why do you think the inventory does that? Trace your behavior. Back to the source. Your fault. The source of it. Character defects, you know, are traits that we have which operate unconsciously, habitually, automatically, to your detriment and or mine. They are hurtful traits of character. And they've got a life of their own. And unless we expose them to the light, they grow and flourish. Now such a change as a change in character can be accomplished only by the most strenuous effort plus grace. plus grace it's almost like in a very real way grace many times is God's reaction to my action my willing action yeah the boy is going to try I'm going to help him but if the boy sits there inactive I don't believe God is going to help See, I just think about this whole thing is that most who are emotionally unsober will remain that way the rest of their lives. Why? Some won't ever be aware of it. Others, though aware, won't know what to do to change it. And others who know what they must do to changing it will not be willing to put forth the effort to do so. Only those who become aware that they're emotionally un-sober understand the nature of the problem have a way to deal with it and put forth maximum effort we'll be able to grow away from it and let me tell you something even though they that they grow they may never be totally rid of it because it runs so it's important we not overlook something which I think is vital to this matter and we've looked at emotional unsoberness its nature some of of his chief manifestations. It's good as far as it goes. Where does it all begin? What are the basic causes of it? Where does he come from? What is this something deep inside me which refuses to let me, even though I'm a good person, feel good about me and believe I'm not? I believe I am a good person. What is it? I ain't got time tonight to get into a thorough coverage. So I'll point some ways and maybe you can find it. I want to call your attention to what I'm convinced is the most significant cause of the entire problem. The chief barrier to emotional sobriety and what I believe to be the most malignant character defect of all. Let me call your intention to self-hate. Self-hating is reversed self-love. It's a narcissist frowning at himself in the water it's just as ego centered it's not just as arrogant but it's the opposite extreme from narcissism it consists of a set of unconscious beliefs about the self for instance think about this I always believed I wasn't worth loving and so the people who tried to love me I hurt, I hurt them bad they had the audacity to try to love my I didn't know I was doing this I wonder why am I doing this this is bad behavior and the hate deepened I thought I was worthless I felt like a complete failure in the face of great success Bob, I felt like a completely complete failure I remember telling the psychiatrist once he said describe yourself to me I'm 22 years old and without hesitation you know what I said I said, I'm the sorriest son of a bitch on the face of God's earth. And y'all, I didn't hear what I said. That's what I totally believed. And I didn'T hear it. All these beliefs are negative and false. Where does self-hate come from? Alcoholism? No. Now, although reinforced and magnified by alcoholism, these beliefs about yourself don't come from alcoholism. I remember feeling like a failure when I was five years old. I didn't fit in when I Was Five Years Old. The fact is these beliefs usually precede alcoholism and may last well into recovery as we've seen. In my opinion, these beliefs result from, number one, perfectionism. possibly as a result of significant childhood influences. I'm not telling you to blame your mama or blame your daddy, but if they influenced you to be a perfectionist, if they demanded perfection of you, forgive them and accept what you are and go to work on it. The bonding of the guilt and the shame and the remorse of your lifetime. Bob talked about shame this afternoon. Arising from what he or she perceives remember through perfectionistic eyes to be his or her failures you know perfection produces only one thing failure that's it a perfectionist is by definition a failure in his or own eyes self hate produces symptoms, listen self haters have an excessive need for acceptance and approval excessive obsessive. They sabotage themselves. An old friend up in North Carolina named Manny Burger, he's dead now. He's a wonderful man. And he used to talk and he'd blow my mind. I don't know what he was talking about. He'd say, and then things got good and that was bad. What the hell is he talking about? I want things to get good. And I look back in my life. Guess when I drank? When there was no reason to drink. In the big book, Alcoholics It's anonymous. It says, We may have special talents and abilities. And he uses these to build a bright outlook for himself and his family and then pulls the whole structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. For a self-hater, when things get good, that's bad. Something inside says, Uh-oh, things are good. Screw it up. And that sounds silly, but it's serious. Oh, they treat themselves bad. Self-haters do. They put themselves down often. Now, if you want to find out how you really feel about yourself, take one day, one day. Hell, take two hours and watch how many times you put yourself down during that day. A man wrote a whole book on these things one time called Vultures. The father of values clarification, Sid Simon, wrote this book. And vultures, you know, are those self-put-downs. And he said the thing about vulturers, if you don't spot them and get rid of them right away, way, the whole flock comes and lands on your shoulder. Self-putdowns. Watch for them. Negating compliments. You did a good job. Ah, here's five reasons why I didn't. You know? Y'all don't do that, do you? Just automatically spit it back. I'll tell you one thing. Looking back on my life, if anyone had treated me as bad as I'd treated me, I'd have killed of them. How do you kill them? It's the truth. Self-haters are totally unable to tolerate criticism. It's almost like they're saying to the person, don't you dare criticize me. That's my job. Isn't that weird? They always hurt those who love them most. Always. God, that's hard I think about my kids after I got sober you know I was a lousy father don't tell my son I said that my son weighs 215 pounds 96 foot 3 and I put myself one down one time in a meeting and he took me outside and he says to me don't you ever put yourself down in front of me again if I wanted a a better father, I couldn't have found him. I didn't believe that lie, but you know it was nice of the boy to say so. They condemned themselves. I did this last week. You ever get up in the dark and head for a glass of water and hit your little toe on the coffee table? You know what I say to me when I make a mistake like that? It's automatic, even today, and I know what's going on. You stupid bastard. My toe's hurting. I'm standing there calling myself a stupid bastard. I know none of y'all do this. And I've got to stop for a minute and think about my toe and take care of it, you know? They always have a negative concept of a higher power. How many alcoholics have you heard say, I scared death of God? You know why? Because their self-concept is so lousy. if I'm the sorriest son of a bitch on the face of God's earth then God must be a judge he must have a little black book, he is after me see how your concept of yourself reflects on your concept of God self-haters are always rigid you notice that? rigid they're really spiritually dead A Lao Tzu, you mentioned today, said that which is alive is flexible and yielding. That which is dead is rigid and stiff. Self-haters are rigid and still. They have the deepest possible fear of abandonment and rejection. The person who hates himself cannot possibly feel good about himself or believe he's a a good person. And unless there's a radical change, he'll become what he erroneously believes himself to be. Do you know how powerful beliefs are? If I believe deeply I'm a loser, guess what I'm going to be? If I don't believe if I believe I'm gonna fail, guess what I'm gotta do? If I'm believing I'm rotten person, how often do we have to live this out? It's like you have this belief about yourself and you go out and fulfill it. A belief is like giving a command to your unconscious. It just does it. you say why is this happening to me examine your beliefs examine your values there's a solution but it's going to take at least the following I don't know all the answers at least to follow first foremost surrender surrender. Surrender to what? To the truth of my condition and my powerlessness over it. The truth of my condition, and my powerlessness to change it. You've got to make a real commitment to change. And you've got to have a means of bringing about the change, and you've got to have that major effort I talked about to affect that change because we're talking again about the deepest possible change, a change in character. Without this change, the condition will continue. I got a t-shirt that I wear at a meeting sometimes and it says on it, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Think about it. And I've heard people say, you know, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got. You don't change, nothing changes Character can't be changed by thought. one spiritual teacher said it real clear which of you by taking thought can add one cubit to his stature nor can character be changed by prayer alone neither can affirmations or positive input from others change it because the problem with which we are dealing is rooted in self hate hear that self hate the problem didn't come from others the problem can't be solved by others You can be helped by others. The solution must come from you. You've got to do the work. I've gotto do the word. Thought can't alter it. I remember one of the people that messed with me when I first came around, hey, it was grumpy. Y'all heard me talk about grumpy, and he was always saying, boy, you can't think your way into good living. You've gotta live your way in to good thinking. Prayer. One of my favorite stories, you know, a rabbi and a priest went to a prize fight, and before the fight one of the boys got down to the corner and did this you know and the rabbi says to the priest that's one of your boys isn't it? He said yeah. He said tell me what does that mean? The priest said don't mean a damn thing if he can't fight. James said it in another way in the New Testament faith without works is dead. Affirmations and positive input from others bounce off of it. I remember my experience with a psychologist by a little Jewish guy named Shapiro I love that little guy he was just beautiful and he loved me to death he was a hypnotist see hypnotherapist now you can't hypnotize an alcoholic he ain't going to give up control but he would try his best you know and he could get me in a light trance you know and he knew how I felt about myself and he's trying to change that by saying nice things to me he'd just tell me tell me thing after thing after thing all this good stuff and one day he says you're a Mitch And in Yiddish, that means a man in the biggest sense of the word. Man, that's a hell of a thing. And from a deep trance, you know what I said to him? Bullshit! He gave up on me. He said go back to Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what you believe in. That's whats going to help you and he was right. There's got to be more. And that more is sustained action on proven principles, and we know what they are, taken by the person himself. Character can be changed only by action. It's a spiritual program, y'all. It's not based on thought and feelings. It's based on action. And the change I'm talking about is from self-hate to unconditional self-love. I don't use the word self-esteem because it's been beat to death nowadays. You watch one of these talk shows, you know. Either you need counseling or you lack self-esteem. It's been beat to death. You know, it's been spread so wide it means nothing anymore. How about unconditional self-love? It can never be gained from outside yourself. It can be aided and reinforced by other people, but must be born and grow within the person himself. Again, self-loving is self-self-love. I was telling Bob earlier, I don't believe these people say you can't love others until you love yourself. I loved everybody before I loved me. The word on me was, Don't ask Tom for the shirt off your back. He'll give it to you. But don't you ever try to give him yours. Just look at how you can get emotionally sober. It's tough, I'll tell you that right now. And it hangs on a long time. Let me tell you how long. The lady in Alabama knows me really well. And I did a pitch down at Alabama School of Alcohol and Drugs a couple years ago, and the folks went wild. They sold more tapes than they've sold in the history of the school. And she got the evaluations, you know. And I went down there, and I was sitting across her desk, and the evaluations were on a sheet that reached from here to the door, you know, printout. 900-and-some evaluations. And she handed it to me. She said, I've already marked the two negative ones so you don't have to look for them. The very key to the whole thing is to accept yourself as you are right now. Real acceptance, you see, stops that inner struggle. It puts you in neutral. You ain't running, you ain't fighting, you're neutral. I accept. Psychologist Carl Rogers, curious paradox, he said, is the moment I accept myself just as I am, then I begin to change. How about our alcoholism? Is that true? Huh? Chris Christopherson had a song once called The Pilgrim. And the chorus of the song said, you know, he's a poet. No, he'S a picker. He'S a prophet. No, HE'S a pusher. He'Sa pilgrim and a preacher and a problem when he'S stoned. He'Sawalking contradiction. Partly truth and partly fiction. taking every wrong direction on his lonely way back home. Each of us, I submit to you, is exactly that, a walking contradiction, a combination of light and darkness. Recovery does not eliminate the darkness. Rather, it increases the light and decreases the darkness, nothing is added, nothing is taken away. The balance changes. That deepest self, which I believe with Bob, is God. begins to manifest itself in this darkness until it outweighs the other. But I don't think the darkness is ever gone. Ever gone. There's nothing I'm ever going to do in my life that my ego is not going to be involved in. Nothing. I don' t believe. And I have to accept that. That's hard for a perfectionist. You hear me? me? It's imperative to accept all that is you. This is rigorous honesty. In saying with Popeye, I am what I am and that's all that I am. That's rigorous honesty to me. It's of self ends the internal conflict involved in trying to hide some of yourself. I read somewhere the alcoholic is very much the actor. To the outer world, he presents his stage character. This is the one he wants others to see. Et cetera, et cetera. Next thing is surrender. But in a different sense. We often look at surrender as passive acceptance Acceptance of our condition. The program goes further than that. There's another aspect of surrender called sacrifice. Third step prayer begins how? God, I offer myself to thee. If that ain't sacrifice, I ain't never heard it. Sacrifice what? Yourself to God. Sacrifices these big needs that I have. I guess y'all don't have them. The need to control, the need to possess, the needto understand, the need always be right, the need be comfortable, all of which depends on the above. Sacrifice unrealistic expectations of self and others. Sacrificing. Unhealthy dependencies. Sacrify the idea that you can change without help. any kind of help. If you have to find you a Jewish psychologist, do it. Watch them Baptist psychologists, though. Sacrifice, listen, your exaggerated sense of self-importance. Remember rule number 62? Don't take yourself too damn seriously. Sacrifice the values and beliefs of alcoholism. The value is based on pleasure, not on what is right or wrong or moral. The values that are based only on pleasure. Whose pleasure? My pleasure. Those self-centered, selfish values that are killers for you and killers for me that take life and never get it. Think you haven't got them? Watch your behavior. there's an old timer in the program up in Charlotte used to say count yourself up every night and see how many you really are got to believe got to believe that with help you can and will become emotionally sober beliefs are powerful positive beliefs can be just as powerful as those negative beliefs they also can become self-fulfilling prophecies Look at step two. If you can say that you're even willing to believe, you're on your way. Positive beliefs are just as powerful, perhaps more powerful than negative beliefs. Remember there's a line where the guy was thanking the carpenter for making him well? He said, don't thank me. Your faith has made you whole. next examine yourself oh God here we go again become aware of false beliefs about yourself their origin if possible if you can't find the origin don't worry about it just deal with them as they are discover and become familiar with behavior patterns which are based on false beliefs and fear don't isolate be with others like yourself as often as you can join in and introduce yourself why the first thing you'll hear me say Sunday morning my sponsor ever told me to do is go to meetings early and shake everybody's hand and ask him how they were doing and I did not want to go but it became a vitally important part of my sobriety because I connected I became a part of the we and I totally believe that if I can move along this horizontal line and connect with my brother and my sister God's gonna join in on that and right there in that intersection where God comes down and joins us is everything I've ever hoped for or wished for it is one of those peak experiences talk with somebody else about what you found you gotta have somebody you can talk with you know familiarize him or her with with your behavior patterns, and ask him or her to help you watch for them. That takes some guts. These things happen unconsciously and automatically, you know? And when they happen, would you please say, hey, you're doing it. You're doing the right thing. You're not doing it? Ask God to help me change. To remove your fear, your false beliefs, your self-hate. Help you accept and forgive yourself. Or if you want to make the prayer real simple, Just say, God, thy will be done. And this assumes to be true what it says on page 133 in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. We are sure that God wants us to be happy and joyous and free. Hallowed is his name. Nothing bad can come from one who is hallowed. His will is all. God, if I could get that through here. All the time, Bob. perhaps the most important element in overcoming emotional un-sovereignness is to watch for its manifestations watch for behavior patterns watch for those responses you ever look at step 10 step 10 says we continue to what watch isn't that the word watching is an ancient time honored spiritual tradition it means observe yourself as those monks in the desert used to say when one of them would get troubled brother, pay attention to yourself uncritical self-observation when? now not tonight watch for the manifestation they're like old tapes remember you can't erase them you can open up the tape deck and throw your character away