Emotional Sobriety and the Unhealthy Dependencies That Kill You Sober – Russell S.

My name is Russell Spatz. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Russell! We love you, Russell. Laugh it, laugh it, laugh it! Oh! What is food? You know, I actually know something you don't know. I know that it's going to get better for you, better than this. I'm not going to give you – my name – I haven't – I'm a member of the Carl Gables Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven'T found it necessary to have a drink, nor have I had a drink since January 25th, 1981. You know, you have to add that nor have I because there was a guy in Texas named Joe who said, I haven't found necessarily ever drank in 20 years. And his buddy Paul said, I saw you drunk last night. He said, yeah, but it wasn't necessary. I want to thank a few people. I wantto thank Dennis for picking me up at the airport. And I wanttothank Jimmy so much and the host committee for giving me the privilege. And it is really a privilege whenever I'm at an AA meeting, It's a privilege to be able to speak and share my story with fellow brothers and sisters in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm really excited to be here. I was looking at the crowd yesterday, and I figured my shoes were older than most of you. But a little bit of the facts. I'm 62 years old. I've been married for 31 years. My lovely wife is somewhere in the audience here. There she is. Because I have – I raised four children sober, three daughters and a son. And I have six grandkids. And I've got 3,000 pictures on my iPhone that I'll be happy to share with you. And I'm an attorney in Miami. I'm self-supporting through my own contributions most of the time. And I want to – besides the people I've already thanked, I want us all to thank – first of all, it was a pleasure. I ate tonight with, well, first of all, it was a pleasure listening to Margo and Lisa yesterday. I really enjoyed listening to them. And Don, this afternoon, I went to the Al-Anon meet. My wife is the queen of Al-Alanon, our ladies of perpetual revenge. And she knows how to do an Al-Alanon 10-step. When I'm wrong, she promptly admits it. And I want to thank the people at my table tonight, and that was Susan, Fiona, Becky, and Michelle. Michelle, who volunteered if something should happen to me, if I should catch pneumonia or faint on the stand, Michelle's going to tell her story. And Carolyn, who's here somewhere, I'm sorry you didn't win the prize. She's got two months. She said I wanted to mention her name because she said under no circumstances mentioned my name. So I wanted to make sure I got out there. She managed to tell me that she felt chagrined, bummed out, hopeful, happy, and feisty in the first five minutes I met her. So she's right on time, you know, right on schedule. So listen, I'm going to tell you a little bit about my life, and my life is the only one I know about. And I want to tell You something. I'm here to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. So if I say something, I have a tendency from time to time, I've been known to say things that will piss people off. No need to get upset with me because I'll probably change my mind. I'll say, why did I say that? That was stupid. I've just been sober a little over 31 years and you can imagine at these prices I'm trying not to lie. I don't need any notes. I was there when it happened. I'm just going to tell you what happened to me. I'm going to share my experience with you. That's more important than your opinion, right, your experience. My experience is based upon my experience with myself in 31 years, living with myself, and also watching other individuals. I sponsored many, many, men in the last 31 years. And from watching other people, from watching myself and seeing what's going on, I'm going to try to tell you the best I can to be as transparent as possible about what I've seen in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've had three sponsors, all wonderful, wonderful men. I'll talk to you about them and some of the other men I met in Alcoholic Anonymous that were very helpful to me, unfortunately. You know, like people ask me, will you be my temporary sponsor? I say, I don't know how to make it permanent. Two of my sponsors died with many years' sobriety. And my current sponsor is John Glenn. He's got 57 years, and he's a wonderful, wonderful person. And I love him dearly. And I loved all the men that have been in AA and most, if not all, of my – man, I'll just tell you, I love you guys here tonight. I love ya. I love yah. I love yah. I don' t love yah because you're perfect. I love ye because you've got that same sort of screw-up in those hang-ups that I got. And so I just want to give you a little bit about my experience. My sponsor said when a man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experienced will walk away with the money and the man without the money will walk away with an experience. So you can argue about a lot of things, but experience is hard to argue with. This is just stuff that happened to me. I'm not going to do a big drunk-a-log. I love drunk-o-logs. I'm now putting down drunk-e-log because I lived on drunk-alogs. We have to have some drunk-elogs so you identify with people and things like that. And I'm going to talk a little about drinking. But I've got to tell you something. After 31 years, I sponsor a lot of men. I sponsor newcomers and I love newcomers, but I sponsor a lot guys with 18, 20, 25 and 28 years that are living lives of quiet desperation, but you wouldn't know it because they know how to speak AA. And what I think is sad is when you're 18 or 19 years sober or 14 or 5 years sober and you're dry and you've not drank but you haven't experienced much of heaven and you haven' been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence which you had not even dreamed and that's what I'm going to talk about tonight. I'm going to talk about what Bill Wilson said he wanted to talk about, and that is emotional sobriety, which is the next frontier, which has to do with our real problem. And the real problem of the alcoholic is unhealthy dependencies. Unless you understand how Macy's is going to kill you. This is going be like Pulp Fiction. How many people have seen Pulp fiction? You know how Pulp fiction starts in the middle and then bounces to the end and goes to the beginning and like Reservoir Dogs back and forward it. And like, if you leave the room to go to the bathroom, you missed the whole fucking thing. You know what I mean? Okay. So here's the deal. Here's how it's going to work. You know, I'm going to talk fast and I'm gonna go through a lot of stuff and it's gonna seem unconnected. And I'm going to tell you something, you're going to have to do some work to understand what the fuck I'm talking about because, because somewhere at the end of this thing, it may or may not make sense, but we're goingto burn an hour or so. And actually it really gets good during the third hour of my my talk. They wanted me to do my talk on humility, which I was going to do, but I never do it with a crowd this small, you know, but you guys are mean. I went to a meeting when I was about two months sober. This is going to go back and forth between sober. I went to the meeting when I was two months sober, and I sat in the back of the room, and I'm also recovering know-it-all, you you know, and a wise ass. And so I sat in the back of the room and this guy got on the stand and this is what he said. He said, my name's Joe and I'm a recovered alcoholic. And I immediately knew that this guy was a lying piece of crap and that he was going to kill me because I knew that you could not, there was no cure. I had read the book. There was no curing. That you couldn't be recovering. I was recovering from this disease. I was a recovering alcoholic. Everybody I'd ever known in my life said they were recovering. Nobody, everybody said there's no cure for this disease And this guy came up here and he said, my name is Joe. And he proclaimed that he was a recovered alcoholic. And he continued to talk to the group. And all I could think about is who would invite this idiot to share? There were going to be people dying out. There were people that could think he could be cured of this disease. And he kept on talking. I kept on thinking how terrible this was. I had to stand up. I had ought to say something. Somebody ought to be fired from Alcoholics Anonymous. It was unbelievable. I mean, the guy was terrible. He was killing. I'm convinced people were dying. And after the meeting was over, I walked outside and my sponsor was there because he had told me he was a really good speaker with long-term sobriety. And of course, I didn't hear what he said, but who would listen with an idiot like that who didn't even understand the basic concept that we're not cured? And he said to me, he said well, what did you think of him? He says he was an ass. He was terrible. He was the worst. He's killing people. I said what? He said he was recovered alcoholic. And my sponsor said well he is. I said, what do you mean? You can't recover. You can be recovered and cured. He says why don't you read the book? It says, we are over 100 men and women who have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. He had apparently read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can only imagine how much better this talk would have been had I actually listened to what he said. He probably said a lot of good shit. What do you think? Do you think it's possible to go to an AA meeting and cop an attitude or resentment or be thinking about something that's going on outside and go through a whole meeting and not hear a word somebody says? Absolutely. You can go through an AA for about an hour, and at 55 minutes all of a sudden hear something because you're thinking about your dog or something. Who knows? This is a very serious disease. So I'm going to talk a little bit about this disease. and, you know, I drank. Listen, I know what it's like. This is what I'll say about alcohol. I know What It's Like to Wake Up in the Morning and say, I'm not going to have a drink today and by 5 o'clock in the afternoon be drinking. I know It's like to wake up the next morning and say I'm Not Going to Buy Alcohol Today and by five o' clock in the Afternoon search for Dimes, Nickels, and Quarters so you can go out and buy a quart bottle of Colors Rossi Chianti and drink at five o clock. I Know What It'S Like to wake Up the Next Day and say I'm NOT going to drink again and then find yourself in the bar. I know what it's like to do that over, and over, and over and over again until you get to the point where at 31 years old you realize your life is over. It's never going to get better and you're going to die. I know it's what it like to wish that you're dead and you die but be scared of dying at the same time. I know its like to give up and say you ain't never going stop drinking and really believe your life is over at 31-years-old. I know whats it like to look a man in the eye and say I need help I can't stop drinking. not I need a girlfriend, not I need a car. Maybe a week prior to that I would have said I need an apartment, I need money I need to lose 50 pounds I need new suit of clothes I need whatever. I know what it's like to look somebody in the eye and say I need help, I can't stop drinking I know where that's all about. To somehow, some way put together that my life was in a shit can and the bottom line is it was there not because of bad breaks or misunderstandings but because I could not stop drinking. I don't know what its like when your life becomes a bottle. Your entire life, you may have have all sorts of problems going on, but you can't see the problems because it's just a bottle. The bottle has gotten that big. I know about that deal. You know, a lot of people need excuses for drinking. A lot of them need excuses. Let me tell you something. I drank because I was awake. Awake was good enough for me because I'm an alcoholic. Now, I'm sorry to say, it's interesting, after 31 years, I now realize that alcoholism has absolutely nothing nothing to do with alcohol, and it took me a while to realize that. It took me about 30 years to realize that it really doesn't have anything to do with alcohol. I've been to thousands and thousands of AA meetings, sponsored hundreds of guys, and none of them are drinking. I don't see anybody at any meetings drinking. You know, it took a long time to understand what alcoholism is really about. You know? Because, you know, in AA, it's a very strange concept. The disease is named after the cure. I mean, I drank alcohol because no amount of money, no suit of clothes, no woman, no car, no job, no nothing worked quite as well as just a few drinks. And so I drank, and if alcohol did for you what it did for me, you'd drink it too. As a matter of fact, my drinking – I used to have people come up to me and they'd talk to me about my drinking. If you wanted to talk tome about my drinkin', I'd explain to you that I don't have a drinking problem. I can see from where you're standing you think I have a drinkin' problem, but I don't have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems. As a matter of fact, if you had the problems I had, you would drink too. As a manner of fact my drinking perfectly matches my problems and one day my problem with money, my problem girls, my problem relationship is going to go away and I'm not going to have to drink anymore so I really appreciate your concern but why don't you go fuck yourself which is sort of like you can come and talk to me but you better be prepared for talking to me about everything I know about you and your mother. You're going to come at me me, but it ain't going to be for free. And so when my first sponsor, when the first guy who ended up being my sponsor came to me in the hospital because I was hospitalized because I had a car accident because I Was drunk and I was blacked out behind the wheel, almost killed myself and somebody else. And I was all set to explain to him that he had the wrong guy. He didn't understand or all that sort of stuff. But he threw a curve at me because he knew how to make a 12 step call because he didn't talk to me about me. He talked to me About himself. He told me about what it was like for him, what happened from and what happened to him now and all that sort of stuff. And he was honest enough, and in other words, he was transparent enough. So I started to identify with things that were going on in his life or things that Were going on my life. And I started saying, well, I felt like that, or I did that. And then he said this to me. And I don't know whether anybody said this before. This is the first time I ever remember anybody saying this to Me. He says, Russ, you don't have to drink anymore if you don' t want to. I didn' t know that. I thought I had to drink, just like I thought i had to get mad Or just like I thought I had to get angry. Or just thought I thought I had be depressed. Just thought I though it had to be a lot of things. I thought I had the drink. He says, you don't have to drink anymore if you don' t want to. And then he said this and he says, you never have to feel this way anymore if you do' t want to. And I can' t tell you how much I didn' t wanna drink and how much I didn't wanna feel the way I felt. And so I followed him into an AA meeting and that's the story of my deal. That's what happened to me. Came into Alcoholics Anonymous. But in order to tell you a little bit about alcoholism what I really think it means and what the story is because I'm an alcoholic. You know what my real problem is? I've got the same problem you have. I'm sober. Alcoholism doesn't have to do with drinking. You know, I mean, there's very little to drink. I mean... That's why they put us away. That's when they arrest us for drinking and people point to us. That's what happens. We drink. We get drunk. They say you must be an alcoholic but if I had an alcoholic right here and I had a regular person right here and they drank a bottle of scotch, they'd both be drunk. You wouldn't know the difference. You wouldn'T be able to tell the difference I didn't suffer from alcoholism. I suffered from something called drunk. It's different. It's difficult. It's not different. I drank just because of what they said in the book. Men and women drink because, you see, I believe in this book, Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't believe in my own opinion. I believe In the book It says men and women drank because they liked the effect produced by alcohol. They are restless. restless, they are irritable, they're discontented. And you could probably add a whole lot of other things to that. Bipolar, tripolar, depressed, whatever the hell you want to add. Unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. Drinks which they see others take with impunity. I drank because I couldn't stand being me breathing on the planet Earth. That's why I drank. Men who didn't drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol. They drink because they hate the way they feel sober. They can't stand being alive, sober on the planet. That's why I drank. And if alcohol did for you what it did for me, you'd drink too. And the unfortunate part, or maybe the fortunate part of my life is alcohol doesn't work for me anymore so I don't drink it. And the real sad part about my life is it stopped working for me about 10 years before I realized it stopped workin' for me and I hurt a lot of people. people. And the bottom line is I never really experienced alcoholism until I got sober and alcohol synonymous because what happened is how would I experience alcoholism? The reason I drank alcohol is because alcohol worked better than anything else. So what would happen is when alcohol raised its ugly head, when it raised its ugly head, it could be five miles away, you know, and you know what alcoholism feels like. You know what it feels like? It feels like who the hell do they think they are? They can't do that to me. I can't believe this bullshit. It's always happening to me. Why don't I have this? Why don'y I have that? Or it feels something like this, I got him now! Or it feels like, I'm a winner! Or the same line that says, I'M WINNING! Five minutes later saying, I'LL LOSING! It feels like you know what it feel well you know, what it feels like it feels, like it, feels like hey, it feels like you. It feels,like you. You know how you feel great after an AA meeting? You know, you feel You feel great after an A meeting, then you get in your car and drive away. It feels like you feel like five minutes after the A meeting when you see the billboards and you go to the movies and you talk to your friends and you get on Twitter and you do all that sort of stuff and you start thinking and doing about this and it's about this, that, and the other thing. And all of a sudden, the next day you say, I need a meeting. You don't even know why you're meeting because you haven't had a drink. It's because you have alcoholism. In our alcoholic life, I drink. You know why? I drink because I'm bored. I drink parce I'm excited. I drink cause I'm in love. I drink coz I'm not in love I drink because I have a girl. I drink cause I don't have a girl. I drink, because I'm alive. I drink because I am a nothing. That's my real problem. My real problem is I was a nothing I was always going to be a nothing didn't matter whether I was a lawyer with a three piece suit didn't mater if I had a girl or a guy I drank because I was a nothing I used to put something in my body it turned me into an almost when you're nothing almost is top of the world I used to think I liked people you know I mean I'm a bar If you're a bar drinker, I love people. Yeah, why'd you always have to? I love People. Then why'd You always have To get drunk When you were around them? You know, I'd walk in the bar And I'd look at all those people In the bar And all I'm thinking about Because if you're an alcoholic You're a please-love-me-aholic. You're don't-reject-me aholic. You know? Don't-look-at-me funny aholic And I'll walk in that bar And it says Are they going to like me? Are they gonna spot me? Are they Gonna laugh at me? Are they Going to want me? And I take two pops of that crap And I feel like I own the group And you're telling me That stuff is the problem? Problem, that stuff is the solution to my problem. I drank alcohol because it helped me not to feel alcoholic. It chased away the alcoholism. Alcoholism would be a million miles away. I wouldn't even know it because you know why? Because our alcoholic life seems the only normal life. And it's caught all my thinking. My best thinking of my best days got me in here, hurt a lot of people, had me make bad judgments, did terrible things to people. I wish I could say I was a bad guy and did a lot of selfish things. I wish that I could blame alcohol, it's alcohol's fault. Let me tell you something, I've heard many people, most people I heard in my life before, after and during going to AA, I did a cold stone sober thinking I was doing the right thing, the best thing for me and you want to know something? I can't blame alcohol at all, alcohol had nothing to do with it. The only alcohol did was allow me to live with my sorry ass while I was doing it and told me that I was okay. You know, when I'd see this alcohol thing coming, you know, I'd seen it a mile away and it seems, it's like being right-handed. It's like, you know, i've been right handed all my life. You know, eat with my right hand, you know I throw a ball with my right hand. I shake, I do everything with my right hand it's just not, it feels comfortable for me. If somebody said to me my right hand is what's killing me, my whole life is being destroyed because of my right hand and all I got to do is I gotta lose use my left hand all the time the first thing I would do is i would tell them they were full of shit even if they were telling me the truth even if I start using my left-handed everything started working out for me did always be a desire to use my right hand well that's my alcoholism that's my alcohol thinking my way of thinking my way of acting my way if thinking my away of looking at people okay I mean I'm an alcoholic which means I've been given the power of discernment if you're an alcoholic you see things other people don't see you just know shit like for For instance, did you know that alcoholics can recognize assholes a mile away? Sure. You're sitting in a bar and some guy walks in. He's never seen him before. He's all the way over there and he walks in with this really good looking blonde. You know right away he's an asshole. You can tell. Look at that jerk. You know what I mean? And so what happens is, you know, what happens is I don't even know it's alcoholism. It has nothing to do with drinking because it's not alcoholism It's the way, it's me. It's a way I am. It's they way I feel. It's most natural thing in the world. Listen, if I could act, do, feel, perceive, have the attitude you're supposed to have that this book talks about on my own comfortably, you understand what I'm saying? I wouldn't be an alcoholic now unless I'd be out here doing my deal. But my problem is none of this stuff comes easy to me. The stuff that this thing is about doesn't come easy. It comes unnatural to me It feels like using my left hand. And I come in here, and they tell me that I've got to do this stuff and thank God for the fellowship, which is really designed to tell you you shouldn't do it. I know you guys think the fellowship is wonderful. I love the fellowship. It's great. We have a lot of fun. But realize what the fellowship was there for, and it's probably got a good purpose. It's to buffer you from what this thing is really saying. So when people say to you, so when you read in here there is one who has all power, that one is God. May you find your mouth seated with him. Your relationship with him is right. And you say, God! The fellowship says, don't even worry about that crap. It says, Don't worry about that stuff. Until you're 16 years sober and you're sucking on the barrel of a gun and you don't know what you're missing. What's going on in your life? How come you feel so bad because you haven't had a drink in 16 years? Because you see, there's really two books here. There's really two books in here. I'll tell you what the two books are. There's one book. You know, in every A room, there are two doors. There's a door over there. You Know what it says? says? It says, not drinking. The not drinking club. You know, a lot of people, and I came in on that door. I came in on not drinking, very important, not drinking is very important. I come in on the not drinking door. And everybody who comes to Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't come in on the other door, they come in the not-drinking door. As far as you can see, thousands of people lined up at the not drinking door! Well why not? That's what AA is about. I mean the name AlcoholicsAnonymous sort of gives it away. way. Don't drink if your ass falls off. Just don't drink and go to meetings. It's all about not drinking. You could be a serial rapist, a serial killer. You can be a monster. You could be pedophile. If you haven't had a drink in 15 years, come up and pick up your medallion. It's All About Not Drinking. And that's what this book is all about. Not drinking. Read it. It'S All About NOT DRINKING. I read it. IT'S ALL ABOUT NOT DRANKING. And they have another door over there. It''s called Experience Much of Heaven and Been Rocketed in the Fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed it talks about the great you know what it says it said it says the great it says the great fact is this and nothing less which I think based upon my my long time as an attorney and a wordsmith means the great factors is just this and nothing less that the central factor in our lives that are created lives in our in our hearts and minds he is doing for us us what we can't do for ourselves, which I think is what they talk about in the promises. He is doing for us what we can. I think it says there is one who is all-powerful. That's what God... I think the book says in the A, Bs and Cs that we're alcoholics and we can manage our own lives. As much as... I know it says that. It says no human power could relieve their alcoholism. No, your husband won't, your wife won't. The girl won't the romance world. None of that stuff will only God couldn't would if he were sought and then we say yeah, that's right and we give a lip service and we walk into our car and we get on on the cell phone we proceed to start trying to manage our lives and then go to discussion meetings explain why it's not being managed properly and what we're going to lose all that stuff that we're really thinking about the stuff that's the real problem the worldly clamors that bill wilson was talking about you know it says we know but a little he says always go to god god will have the answer he'll show you how to even create the fellowship you crave see to what your relationship with him is writing great events will come to pass for you and countless others which is the same thing which was taken directly from the Bible which is seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all things will be added unto you that's why we have first things first that's what God put down there but you know it says in the chapter of Gnostics but when we hear that stuff the hackles on our necks go out we get all mad about that stuff and you know the chapter of Gnosis says I'll boil it down to one sentence this sort of thinking has to be abandoned get over it burn the idea into the newcomer's mind that he can get well with anything as long as he cleans house and trust god but no man said he needs his wife you know wife or no wife job or no job you can get sober and stay sober you know it all depends upon your relationship with god we never apologize for god it's all over the book and so there's a second book in alcoholics and there's this door over there and the door is rocking in the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed and experienced much of heaven and there are three guys and a gal standing in front of that door and every once in a while you see a guy go from the not drinking club over to that door over there. But you rarely see somebody go from that door over to the Not Drinking Club. And so there's two books in here. There's one book, and all it talks about is not drinking. That's all it talked about. That's what people read in here about not drinking, and they ignore the rest. And it's easy to do that if you're an alcoholic because the disease centers in your mind, not your body. And there's a complete other book, and you know what the other book talks about? It all talks about God and your relationship with God. That's the only thing this book talks abut. And the people that are reading Book 1, all they want to talk about is book 1 and they don't want to hear about book 2 and the people that are reading book 2 all they wanna talk about is God and what God is doing in their life and the unfortunate or maybe fortunate part we all have to meet in the same groups at the same meeting so it's pretty good that we have this book here that maps it all out because where would we be if we didn't have this book can you imagine if we all met together and we all had our all opinions and we didn'y have this book you understand what I'm saying And we all thought what we felt like, how long do you think this fellowship would last before the fist fight started? But, you know, we have a book that says on page 29, further on, clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered. These are followed by 42 personal experiences. Each individual in the personal stories describes in his own language and from his own point of view the way he established his relationship with God. Not the way He drank, not the bullshit He did, notthe problems we had, but the wayHe established His relationship withGod. And that's what this book is all about, and that's what the steps are all about. And that'S why they have God all through them. They have higher power. That's how God all threw him. And at the end, they say, see to it once you've got him now, and you've committed your life to him. I don't know if you all know this, but after the A's and C's, it says being convinced we're now at step three. And after step three in the book, it Says the following after you say that third step prayer. It says we thought well before taking this step, making sure we were ready that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him. You better look up the word utterly. You know what the word utterly means? It means when somebody tells you nay, don't bother, don't look at God, I don't want to hear that God shit, he's not talking about A, he's talking about the disease. He's not talking about a thing that's going to keep you sober because he's talking about the disease So I go into Alcoholics Anonymous and I was unfortunately for me, well I want to tell you something a little bit before to explain a little bit more about the diseased I want to go about a few years back when I was around 18 or 19 years old tell you a little bit about the disease of alcoholism the way I understand it when I was about 19, 20 years old they had this car, they still have these cars called Camaros now the Camaros when they first came out with the fastback And I know most of you people don't even remember that. This was in 1970, 1969. It was the first time they came out with a Fastback, and they were, I don't know, they were unbelievable. Now, I guess if I was addicted to anything at that period of time, if I Was Honest With Myself, now, you've got to understand something. A lot of stuff I'm sharing with you I've learned over the last 31 years. It's not like I knew this stuff back then. But after doing inventory, after working with people, after being around for 31 years, there's just things you know about yourself that you learn about yourself that starts making things all clear it's good to have things clear you know what i mean it says we we see through a glass darkly because you know what happens is when you're unclear about what the world is all about what you're all about you trip over all over the furniture of the world and you get yourself hurt and you don't know why and you think you're a victim but when the world starts getting clear and you start getting clear about your motives and your actions and why you do the things you do you know it becomes an easier place to live because the world can be difficult if if you walk through spiritually blinded. And so in any event, when I was 18, 19, 20 years old, I'd have to say if I was addicted to anything, it was women. You know, and from what I've seen in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've spent a lot of time sponsoring men in Alcoholic Anonymous. I don't think I'm unique in that regard. I don' t want to tell you how many men I have gone down the tubes. And it's not Gallon's fault. It's not their fault, okay? How many guys have gone Down the Tubes because of a skirt? We used to have a saying, underneath every skirt is a slip. And I got to tell you something, I've been around long enough so I'm not so sure it's that different with the gals, don't sponsor gals but I'm not sure it is that difficult with the gal. You know it says in the 12 and 12, it says whenever we had enough of money, prestige or romance they lumped romance right in with a car. And so I knew, I knew that if I only had a Playboy bunny, I'd be okay. Because you see when you feel like you're a piece of crap, you see most of the time we don't know we are a piece of crap because we tell everybody else how great we are. We tell ourselves how great were are. Every once in a while in the shower you're lathering up and the truth comes out and you hear a little voice and the voice says you're an asshole. You try to look around to see who's in the show and it's just you. you. It's just you telling yourself what you really think about yourself. You know, I know alcoholics like to say, I don't give a shit what people think about me, but you know that I know you've said that before. I don'T GIVE A CRAP WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT ME, BUT YOU KNOW PEOPLE THAT REALLY DON'T GIVER A CRACK WHAT OTHER PEOPLES THINK OF THEM DON'T SAY I DON'T GIVEA CRAP WHEN THEY THINK ABOUT ME. THEY SAY THINGS LIKE PASS THE SALT OR SOMETHING BUT THEY DON'T SEE THAT SHIT. AND THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS IF YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC YOU ARE ADDICTED AND OBSESSIVELY ADDED TO WORRYING ABOUT WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT, WHAT THEY SAW thought about what you sounded like, what you did. Your whole world is to want to blend in and want people to love you. Marlon Brando used to say a thing, if I go to a party of 300 people and one doesn't like me, I got to leave. It's all about he's there, she's there. I can't look at him. I can'T talk to him. Your WHOLE LIFE is about what YOU think other people think about you. And you have that other alcoholic paranoia that you actually think people are giving a shit about you. You know, which of course is not even true either because they're thinking about themselves. So I knew if I had a Playboy bunny, I would be, that would be wonderful. Because when you're an an alcoholic, you always need something to make yourself okay because you're never okay the way you are. It may be a new blouse, it may be a new haircut, it maybe a boob job, it may be anything. Whatever it's going to be, whatever it's gonna be, that's it's the whole society is built on that. You know what I mean? That somehow something has to be added onto you and you've got to get, you've gotta have, you can't lose or else you're the piece of shit that you know you are and it's not even something you think about all the time, you know, but but the bottom line is it's there and it seems your only normal life. It seems natural for you to think that way and so what happens is i you know that's my deal i just knew if i had a gal because you know, that's what they advertise out there. That's the world of clamors. It's not only alcoholics. The only difference with alcoholics is we die. I mean that's the only difference out there they just live lives of quiet desperation going home to work home to work trying to try to fit something in their lives some cars some things some money to make them okay and you know they're and they're never okay with us we do that same thing you know just like they do it just like they're advertising on TV just like the billboards saying the only The only difference is we drink and die, and we never understand why. And we come in here, we think disease of alcoholism, and the problem is the real disease centers our mind has nothing to do with the booze. The booze is just the thing we use to get rid of the pain of running after crap that's killing us because we're focused on the wrong thing. And we know what the right thing is we're supposed to focus on because it says in here what we're suppose to focus on what's the only thing we're supposed to focused on, the thing that will never be taken away from us, the things that we always will have, but it's That's the one thing they don't want you to talk about at AA meetings. You know why? Because it pisses people off because they don' t want to go there. So in any event, here' s the deal. So they came out with this car. You remember? We' re on the Camaro now. Now, this car, listen, this is like Pulp Fiction. I'm going to make some hard rights and some soft lefts, and if you doze off, you' re going to miss the deal You're going to have to follow me here. So I come up with this Camaro, and what happens is usually I have somebody keeping track for me just in case I forget where I am. But they had this Camero, and they had a Fastback. And I found this Camoro. I had gotten some money. I had about six grand. Back then that was a lot of money. And they had the Camaro which was the first Fastback, and it was gorgeous. It was a chick magnet. It was gorgeous, and I knew if I had this, you know, if I only had that, if I was only making a little more money, I'd be okay. If I only got a different driver, if only I had a degree, I would be okay, If I only lost 50 pounds, I'd be okay. If I had that dress, I would be okay If I was a yes-butter and an elf only my entire life You know what I mean? My life was always waiting It was always about to get wonderful if I only had this And every once in a while I'd get that and it would be great for five minutes and then if I had this and I only have that and that kind of stuff It's just like chasing my tail But I knew I had to have this car And I went down to the Potapkin Chevrolet off Alton Road and I went down there, and I paid them the money. I said, well, if the car was a Friday afternoon, they said, we can't give it to you. We've got to prep it. I said no, no, you don't have to prep. I'll take it just like this. He says no,no,no. The law says we've got a prep it, and I had to pay $400 to prep, so the next morning, they opened up at 930. I was there at 830 waiting at the door. I'm 19, 20 years old. I'm waiting at that door for this car, my first new car, beautiful. And let me tell you something. This car, it was gold with a white vinyl top. Now, Landau top. Now, I know they don't land on tops now, But back then it was cool. It would be kind of ugly now, but back then it was a fast car. It was absolutely gorgeous. And it wasn't even a car out on the lot. It was the one they had in the showroom that they were showing off the new Camaro. And at 930 I got in that car and I drove down Alton Road on a Saturday morning at 9 30. Now I want to tell you something. There was nobody on the road. It was Miami Beach. There was no body on the Road. I felt like I was driving through Yankee Stadium. stadium. I thought every woman in China and on the face of the earth was sitting in front of their TV set looking at Google Earth following me. I'm in this car, I'm okay now, I am just as good now, better than now, that feeling was exquisite. And I wasn't drinking. I was I was high as a kite. I was okay. I was better then. I was the best. I was wonderful. I couldn't wait. Everybody had to see me. I drove up to the first light. I stopped. Some guy drives up to me, probably about my age. I was about 17, 18. He was probably in his 60s then. He drives up me in a brand new Cadillac with a Playboy Bundy sitting next to him. You guys are cruel. I look at him. He looks at me. And I say, why can't I have a car like that? Why can't i have a girl like that the feeling lasted two blocks the payments lasted 60 months But the feeling was so Unbelievable that every year every two years it had me I had to hock my life To get a new car or to get a knew something that I chased that feeling listen at nine years sober I lost all my credit cards You know why because I learned in nine years even though I was a math major I didn't know this. Did you know that if you spend more money than you make, you go into debt? I learned that after nine years sober. I was 40 years old. I charged more money, spent more money buying things I didnít need with money I didnís have to impress people I didní even like than you could possibly imagine and complain about how I didníd have any money. Iíd go up to my sponsor and Iíd say, ìI need money.î And he says, ìYou can solve it?î I said, ëAbsolutely. I have the solution.î He says, ÖWhatís that?î He says. ìEarn more or spend less.î I said, what's my third option? You know what I mean? I mean, I was earning as much as I could. I wasn't going to pass this. He used to say, simplify your life. I don't know what that meant. He said it meant get rid of the car. It meant lower your life, but I wanted to live a dishonest lifestyle. I wanted TO live a lifestyle I didn't deserve, which is just as dishonest, same thing as drinking. I was just drinking greed. I was drinking lust. I was drinkin' self-pity. I was drankin' whatever the hell else we drink in here after we give up the alcohol. all the other crap that we're addicted to that we idolize out there That's what I was doing You want to know what this thing is all about? Go to a lot of discussion meetings and see what they're discussing Even when they're talking about relationships They're not talking about the primary relationship They're talking not only about the problem with God They're also talking about money, my mother, my father The job, the boss They're telling about all the crap that's going to keep us in there and keep you in bondage forever to this disease They're told about selfishness self-centeredness 100 forms of fear, self-delusion self-seeking. We step on the toes of others, they retaliate. Where self will run riot, though we usually don't think so. Because our alcoholic life is the only normal one. It's the way we think naturally. It' like being right handed. We must get rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us. It may not kill us, but it kills u. The world and its people dominate us. God makes that possible. But don't talk about God because it makes people nervous and they don't want to hear it in Alcoholics Anonymous. Which is why only 1.5% make more than 20 years of sobriety. And I know some people die and stuff like that and the ones I sponsor, even if they make the 20 years, you know, most of them are just hanging in there. Well, that's pretty good. 14 years of meetings, they go hanging in THERE one day at a time. That's what I want. That's when I'm looking for. One day at a time, just hanging IN THERE another fucking day, you KNOW? Happy, joyous, and free, you Know? And so I'm sitting, so I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I want to tell you a little bit about my sponsors. I was unfortunately terribly undersponsored. I was supposed to be sponsored by Jesus Christ and Albert Einstein, but they were dead. I told my sponsor, he used to tell me things to hurt my feelings. I told him I was sensitive. He says, no Russ, great artists are sensitive. You're just touchy. Different. I'm sitting at a table one day. My first sponsor was Bob Sullivan. I'm standing at a tabel one day with three or four guys, and I'm a bar drinker. And you know what bar drinkers do? How many of you guys in here have drank in bars? Okay, let me tell you the rule of bar drinking. This is how it works when you drink at a bar if you're an alcoholic. You know, I'm siting with Mitch right here at the bar with a couple other people, and here's what happens. You know assuming I get a chance to get on Worded Edgewise because you know how he is. you know what I say is I start talking shit bad shit about somebody who's not there that he knows behind the guy's back that's what I do I say, you know that guy Ralph, he's a real asshole I talk about guys I don't even know I talk to guys on the other side of the world I just talk bad shit about other people behind their back and what happens is, Mitch says this to me, because this is the rule of alcoholics he says, man, you're right your wife is a bitch man you're a good guy he validates me and I feel better that's how I can tell my wife Mitch is the only guy who understands me now I don't realize now here's what I don't understand what I don't really understand is alcoholics feel shitty about themselves they feel crappy about themselves and they always will feel crappy about them so because that's the real nature of this disease it assaults us when we're sober we're not sober because we feel so shitty that's why we drink so we don't feel so shitty by ourselves we can escape that fear so the bottom line is what what I I have to understand is that when people feel shitty about themselves and they feel like a piece of shit, what happens somehow, some way, we don't realize this, they feel compelled and obsessively compelled to talk bad shit about other people. Because some sort of psychological or spiritual way, if I can talk bad about somebody else and get somebody to agree with me, I somehow feel like I have a sense of belonging, like we're talking about here, where I'm being accepted and it makes me feel good about myself. So my talking shit about somebody is really evidence evidence that I feel shitty about myself. And so that's what we do. Now, we don't realize all this stuff until we get into AA and we've been around for 20 years, that we're compelled to talk shit about other people behind their back, but that's what we'll do. And it's obsessive and it's as addictive as drinking scotch. We can't stop it. As a matter of fact, if somebody tells us to stop, we get mad at them, okay? And then what happens is after I say something shitty about somebody, and you know he doesn't chastise me or say why don't you shut up or, you know, talk, what he says is he agrees with me, then I shut up and he gets to talk shitty about somebody he knows and then I validate him and that's how it works if you're an alcoholic but I mean we don't talk about this in alcoholics anonymous we talked about not drinking because the books all about not drinkin but any event has nothing to do with being rocking in the fourth dimension of existence or any that stuff so here's the deal so that's what happened so I'm at an a room and that's the way I've that's where I've operated all my life and I hate silence I always had have a radio on a TV on the Twitter something going on because if when there was nothing going on when the TV wasn't going on it was just silence for me in a car. I remember some gal said to me, you know when you'll be sober, when you figure out you're sober when you drive in a card with the radio off? I didn't know what she was talking about. I'd never driven in a cart with the video off. I've always had something going. The music pumped up and everything like that because I couldn't stand being alone with my thoughts because they were always bad thoughts about myself and other people and they made me uncomfortable. I never wanted to think the stuff I think about myself and about other people. And so I'm sitting there at this table with my sponsor and two other guys. And I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just doing what I do naturally. This is my personality. I used to tell my sponsor when I'd get mad or when I got upset, I'd say, this is my spirituality. This is the way I am. He says, your personality is killing you. And, you know, I'm in love with my personality and I'm crazy about my personality and he's telling me, I thought it was alcohol that was killing me. He says no, it's your personality that's killing you You've got to change. You've gotta be transformed in his image and likeness. That's what it says in the sixth step. That's the great separation from our personality to his personality. Just look it up. You know, this is a step that separates the men from the boys. A well-loved clergyman says, look it up. Read the sixth step. Read what the standard is. A man who's trying for his entire life to grow in the image and likeness of his creator. Read what this program is about. Not what some guy sitting next to you says it's about. Read what they're really talking about. Read Dr. Bob the Good Old Timer. See what they were talking about and what books they were reading in the first four years of alcohol synonymous. You know that book you read where it says, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path? if you do what we did you'll get what we got well I got some bad news for you that was written in 1939 the A started in 1935 it was in existence four years before the big book was written so the one thing you know they weren't doing is they weren' t reading the big books they were reading the Bible you try to talk about the Bible you talk about the three books that they said that were absolutely essential 1 Corinthians 13 the Sermon on the Mount and the Book of James we're almost called the James Club you try and talk about that in an A meeting y'all ought to read Dr. Bob in the good old times find out what this program is really about if you really want what they had if you even want this deal you know I mean there's a lot you'd be surprised alcoholics can handle pain fairly easily you'd surprise how painful and how much pain an alcoholic can handle and not drink how he can not drink and just go to meetings and hopefully it'll rub off and you can stay sober 15 years 20 years 25 years before you put the gun in your mouth and blow your brains out you know you'd been surprised how long you can say so brave and have a chip on your shoulder and be going through your 17th divorce and be 13-stepping gals all over the place or whatever the heck we do in there because, you know, while you're talking the talk but you're not walking the walk. But after a while what really is the real deal here comes out. People see what's going on. So I'm sitting there at the table with this sponsor. I was terribly undersponsored. He was... I was a graduate of all sorts of degrees and diplomas and zumbly, you now. I took my sponsor into my office. I was majoring I had done all the postgraduate work and, you know, National Science Foundation fellow, you know, postgraduate degrees going for my doctorate in algebraic topology. I went to law school. And as I walked into my office, I showed him all my degrees. I showed them all my grades, you now? I said, look at all my degree, Bob. He says, you kno, he didn't even graduate high school. He was a guy from Chicago. He looked at me, Bob Sullivan. He says you know Russ, rectal thermometers have degrees. You know what they do with those. how do you deal I mean he had me at a disadvantage I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous listen, I came into Alcoholic Anonymous when the consequences of my drinking came at me faster than my ability to lower my standards and you know I walked in AlcoholicsAnonymous I had like two neurons working and they were waving goodbye at each other so I was like in bad shape my sponsor used to say stuff to me like this I mean, one time I was like two weeks sober and I wanted to have balance in my life. I want to have bounce in my life. You know, you come to AA and God forbid this should take over your life. I used to, I'd have a wife and a son at home and I'd get in the bar at four o'clock in the afternoon and I'd come out at four in the morning. How many hours is that? Twelve hours in a bar with a wife and child at home. Thought nothing of it. And I'm going to three or four AA meetings a week and I'm saying, man, I got to have some balance in my life, you know what I mean? I'm worried about cutting it down. I didn't want to be like a crazy person or get him to say anything. So I started explaining to him. I figured out that I don't have to go to meetings on Thursdays. He said to me, he says, well, you know, Russ, as long as you never drank on Thursday, that's probably true. I said, well of course I drank on Tuesday. And then he said to him, he said, you Know, Russ You know as much about life as a dog knows about his father. I was 32 years old. I had advanced degrees in just about everything. I've been all over the place, done a lot of things, prosecuted murder cases, all sorts of stuff you can possibly imagine. Division chief for the Attorney General and the State Attorney, Dade County State's Attorney's Office, all sorts OF stuff. And in my entire life at 32 years old, I had never had anybody say anything like that to me. It wasn't even that it was a put-down, just anything like that. You know as much about life as a dog knows about your father is there like some sort of a school for sponsors somewhere in Georgia or something I mean I you know he said that to me you know what if somebody said that you wouldn't you I mean i don't know what it would do for you the first thing I could do is try to figure out what the fuck he's talking about so I had I started picturing a dog I you know it was like I you no you know the RCA dog that's looking up the speaker you know I pictured the dog you know there's like a doggy daddy and a dog doggy mommy, and two little doggy kids. And then I realized it dawned on me after five minutes like a dog doesn't know his father. I thought he may have been complimenting me. So I'm sitting at this table, you know what I mean? You remember the table? I'm at the table before the meeting with my sponsor and the other guy. You know whatI'm talking about? We're back in the, like Pulp Fiction, we're back in the cafe before the robbery happens. I'm standing at the table. Now you're going to have to see Pulp Fiction to understand this. I'm I'm sitting at the table, you know, John Travolta and the other guy. Okay, I'm standing at the tabel, and there's this guy, two guys, and this is my sponsor, you now, and we're sitting there, and there is silence, nobody's talking. Can you imagine that? Nobody's talking, so I'm getting uncomfortable because there's nothing being said, so what do you think I start talking about? It's like I'm in a bar. You know, that's what some people think AA is. It's just like their bar, you just come here and talk about the same shit that you talk about in your other bar but you just drink coffee instead, you know. And you can always find guys because, you know, really we get our entire team we get from the bars. I mean, that's really our waiting room, you know what I mean? So all the guys you were drinking with, they're in here so you can almost find guys that will talk shit with you and bars and things like that and AA. That's where they all hang out. So I'm sitting there and because my alcoholic life seems the only normal life, I don't see anything wrong with that so I turn to my sponsor or whoever I'm talking to and he says, you know, we ought to do something about Mitch. Mitch, you know, I mean, you know, that guy has really got my sponsor says he says Russell he says this is Alcoholics Anonymous. He says we don't he says I don't know what fellowship you're in but this is a he says we never say bad things about other people behind their back. We never talk behind people's back. He says so so unless you have something nice to say about Mitch, why don't you just shut up? And he humiliated me, you know now, you and I'm thinking and love intolerance is our code, you know, I've got to rape him, his wife, his dog, blow up his house. You know what it says in the 12 and 12? It says the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency. You didn't get here because everybody was endorsing your bullshit. You got here because somewhere at some point in time somebody said enough of this crap, you're going to jail. Enough of this trap, I want a divorce. Enough ofthis crap, get out of the house. Enough ofthiscrap, you got humiliated enough so that you came here as the best thing you ever did for yourself not because you wanted to do it because you got humiliated. You know, the trick is how do you get humiliated after coming to AA? You know when you're childish and you're selfish and you self-centered and anybody who's going to tell you the truth that makes you feel bad which is the good shit you're going to run away from and say I'm going to fire my sponsor I've got to get another one because he's making me feel bad I've gotta get somebody who's my friend So this guy said to me You don't know what it's like Like, so this guy said to me, so he said to me that stuff. So of course, as soon as he said to me I'm an alcoholic, you know what I mean? What about love intolerance? He's not supposed to say that. I'm thinking about killing him, quitting AA, blowing up his wife, killing him. You know, all this sort of stuff. My mind is like exploding, you know, because there's nothing somebody who feels, you know, insufficient. There's nothing that hurts a person that feels insufficient more than being treated like he's insufficient, especially in front of other people. And so I really feel like a crap and I'm thinking all sorts of stuff and justification how he's wrong and I'm right and how could he say that and all that sort of stuff but I didn't do anything wrong and the problem is, or the good thing is as much as I hated him and I wanted to leave I didn' t want to drink let me tell you something, a strong desire not to drink can save a lot of bullshit in AA because if you really want this thing, trust me if you want this think you're going to hang out with people because the person you're gonna be five years from now is going to be greatly dependent on the people you hang out with and the books you read and I can promise you this, the books will depend upon the people hang out with. And the bottom line is if you hang out with the people that are well in here, they're going to, trust me, somewhere along the line although you know they love you and you'll get a feeling they love you, somewhere long the line they're gonna say why don't you just shut up. They're gonna spank you. They're gonna hurt your feelings. You know what? If they love, you they're gunna hurt your feeling. If they care about you, they can hurt your feelin. If you know some if they only give a crap about themselves, if they They're going to let you go on with your bullshit and they're going to pat you on the back until the day you die because what they're really worried about is what you think about them. But if they really love you, they'll kick you in the ass and even though they know you're goingto hate you and they may lose you as a friend, you may get fired and you may walk out the door and maybe even drink, they're gonna do it because they love you so much, they'RE gonna tell you what's right. Whether it hurts your feeling or not. So So he said, why don't you just shut up? But I didn't want to drink. And somehow by that period of time, I had three or four months sobriety and I knew that my not drinking had something to do with him because he was the one I always went to. He was the ones I always talked to. He's the one who was telling me what to do and I didn' t want to drank. And I'm going to tell you something. You'd be surprised how much crap you'll take in Alcoholics Anonymous. How much shit you'll do. How many things you'll that you don't want to do if you don' t wanna drink. If you don't want to drink, you'll wind up doing a lot of stuff. But you want to know something? If you want a drink, there's always an excuse. It's my sponsor's fault. It's AA's fault, it's the words, my mother's fault and I didn't want a Drink. So what I did, I did what all good alcoholics do because I'm a follower, not a leader anyway. So are you. I know we all think we're John Wayne but listen, if I'm in a country western bar I'm drinking beer. If I'm on Key West, I'm Drinking Margaritas. If I am in New York, I am drinking Scotch. I never get them mixed up. I never go to a country Western bar and say give me a whiskey sour. hour. I said, it's always beer. If I'm at a cocaine party, I'm doing coke. I'm doing whatever I got to do to blend in so that you'll like me. And so what happened was I hung around with people and I wanted them to like me and I wanted to blend In. And So what I did, whether I understood it or not, is I just stopped talking shit about other people around my sponsor and around the people he was around. And you want to know something? I even started doing it around other people. Now let me explain something to you. This is very weird. In In order to stop yourself from talking shit about other people when you're addicted to talking shit about other People, and you don't even know why you want to talk about shit about Other People, what happens is as you're about to talk, as I'm about to say something crappy about Mitch to Les over there, I'm saying, you know that guy Mitch? I got to all of a sudden think. I got actively think. Wait, I am not supposed to say this. You know what I mean? And then if I want to say anything, because I like to talk, I got to say to him, I got to say, you know that guy Natch Lass? He says, yeah. He says he's not a bad guy, you know. He's a good guy. And so I find myself and stay talking crap about other people and gossiping about them behind their back. I start talking good things about other people and nice crap about other people and I start thinking nice crap about other people and four months later I feel better than I've ever felt my entire life. Now if my sponsor had had told me, you know Russ, it's a spiritual rule that if you always think what is pure and what is right and what is good and what isn't decent and talk decent things about other people, watch what comes out of your mouth. You're going to feel good about yourself. I would have told him to go screw himself. I said that's the biggest bunch of horseshit I ever heard because this guy is telling me to write with my right hand or my left hand and I like to write mit my right. But he didn't say that to me. You know what he said? He said, why don't you just shut up? He hurt my feelings and so I started doing it anyway and then I realized I got the benefits benefits of it anyway because I started doing it." Man, that's a serious disease. What kind of sponsor do you need? What kind of attitude do you have to need? I mean, it's one thing to stop drinking. What kinds of sponsorship do you need?What kind of attitudes do you put up with that crap? And so I'm driving a car with that same sponsor and we're driving to pick up Bobby. And Bobby is a guy who sponsored sponsored me. He was my litter mate, but the only difference is I picked up a white chip and I never drank again. I mean, he was one of the guys that I was sponsored, and Bobby was oneof these guys that every 30 days he would drink. He would do great for like three weeks, and then all of a sudden, you ever have that thing where a guy would say, I'm coming up on that time? It's like they have a time. You know, it's like a three-minute egg, you know? 30 days is his time, you Know what I mean? It's like a countdown, you know? It''s like the countdown we had, the countdown to drinking, you You know, and it's, you know, what really is an excuse. You know. Well, it's not my fault. Don't blame me. It's 30 days. You know? My problem is 30 days is the number. You know what I mean? It's not, you now, but so every 30 days he would drink. He would drink at 30 days, and so for the, and of course, I'm stark raving sober. I'm keeping track, and my poor sponsor, I feel sorry for him because he's only got 15 years, and he's being taken advantage of by this guy Bobby, and we drive up to Bark, and we pick up Bobby, and he'd get him a new suit of clothes, and he give him a job, Bob would give him some money, take him to A meetings, and Bobby would swear that he was going to do it differently this time, and then he would drink again. And that happened over and over and ever again. So we're going up to pick up Bobby for the umpteenth time over a period of last year. He's been doing this stuff, and as we're driving to pick him up in BART, I turned to my sponsor because, remember, I am an attorney, you know? And I've been keeping track, and I've got all the evidence. I've Got the three-by-five cards. I've GOT the pictures. I'VE GOT the photographs. And so I started my sponsor. We're going to pick Up Bobby. And I said, You know, this is bullshit. shit. I said, this guy Bobby is full of shit and he probably was. This guy Bobby's a phony. This Guy Bobby's a liar. You know, he's playing you. He doesn't want to stay sober. He did this last month. He didn't do it the month before. He did it the months before that. We've got to turn this car around. He's taking advantage of you. He's taken advantage of me. He doesn' t give a crap about AA. This is a bunch of crap. You shouldn't go get him. And I went on and on and on. I took out the 3x5 cards, the photographs. I had all the facts, the figures. I mean, I'm a lawyer. He is a used car salesman. I graduated with all these degrees. He knows knows nothing. I'm telling him all the facts, the figures. I had him nailed. He didn't have a chance. I have the case. It was beyond, beyond a reasonable doubt. I said we ought to turn this car around and to hell with him and then leave. And of course, I did what alcoholics do. I repeated myself 17 times because I was right. I was Alki right. If you disagree, you have to die because you're so stupid. You know what I mean? And, you know, and so I finished talking. I finally finished. And he turned to me and he said, are you done? And, of course, I wasn't because I was now having a conversation with the mob in my mind. You know what I mean? Because, you Know, when you get yourself, I was my own mob. When you get your self geeked up, you're still talking for 15 minutes. You've got to slow that train down, youknow. I was pissed off until, youknow. He says, no, no. He says,"Are you done?" And I said,"Yeah." He says,'Are you sure? Are you done?' He says, yeah, I'm done. I said, you sure? He says yeah, I'm done. He says Russell, listen to me. Listen to me. I said what? Are you listening? Yes. What? What? He says Russell, it doesn't bother me like it bothers you. How could it not bother you? Everything bothers me. I used to complain to him about Alcoholics Anonymous. He'd say, well, you know, Russ, it's not Well People's Anonymous, you know? And I hit him with logic. He hit me with AA magic. And you know what the problem was? I wanted everything he had and I didn't even know what he had. And he wanted nothing that I had. I'm nine years old. All I know, how do you do that? How can you do this? How can I do that and not have it? because the world bothered me that's alcoholism and you know how you fix that you say I need a drink and then you drink and you get drunk and they think that's alcoolism and it's not alcoolisim, that's drunk alcoolisme is what happens before you take a drink it's like how could it not bother you and that's why people get confused when we're still going to A meetings and they say why are you going to an A meeting he says because I'm an alcoholic but you haven't drank in 10 years He says, yeah, but I'm crazy. It's not the drinking. It centers in my mind, not my body. I mean, I look and see. I'm right-handed. I can't even tell you. Play this Russell tape. It'll explain the whole thing. And so I'm nine years sober, and I'm on the phone with my sponsor, a different sponsor, my first sponsor who died, Joe Snyder. Wonderful, wonderful guy. Died with 35 years. And I'm explaining to him about my wife and how she did this, and she did something. My wife did something, you know, she's always doing stuff. You know, it has to do with her failure to obey. She fails to recognize me as the ultimate authority, the king, you know. She was probably spending money or doing stuff or, you know, he was probably doing something I didn't want her to do. I wasn't getting in my way. Something was going on. I don't know. I was upset about something. And so I'm complaining about my life, and, you You know, I'm laying it out in detail. And then she said this and I said that and she said this and she did that and so I finished talking and he says, he says this, well, do you know why you're upset? I go, well, sure I know why I'm upset. Well, why are you upset? I said, Joe, I just spent the last 15 minutes telling you chapter chapter and verse why I'm upset. You ever do that? Sit down with your sponsor and tell them why you're upset, you know? You map it out, you write it, why you'RE upset, and you're right! You're right, you know what I mean? And you're RIGHT! You'd be upset. I told him why, I said, I just told you why I was upset. He says, that's not why you'Re upset. I said you mean that whole thing, you hear, he says, I heard it. He says that's NOT why you are upset. And then he shut up. you know why shut up I'll tell you why shut up because he knew that alcoholics are defiant and that we're childish you know and he knew if he told me why I was upset I would have told him to go screw himself or I would've pissed all over it I wouldn't appreciate it because I would shit over the gift because I don't appreciate the gift because it's telling me something I don' understand and I don''t want to hear so So he just shut up. So he made me ask, so what would you do? What would you doing? I said, that's not why I'm upset? He said, no. I said well, are you going to tell me why I am upset? He said you really want to know? I said of course I want to now. He said listen stupid. They always used to call me endearing terms like that. Listen stupid. You're upset because you're upset-able. What is this, like Zen AA? You know, my wife, I don't know. Now I got a wife and three daughters I raised and they're all clones, you know. And they're doing all the same stuff. You know the world is doing the same stuff. She's saying the same stuff. She's doing the same stuff that she probably was 20 years years ago, you know what I mean? When I was complaining to Joe. And I have these guys, they follow me around, they're sponsees. Five minutes? Okay, well that's time for one story and then I'm going to end it with, it's too bad I have like three good stories. But in any event, okay, I'll have to pick one. So he says, and you know she's probably doing the same thing, she's a sponsee, and they'll say to me, they'll ask, did you hear what your wife just said? And I said, no, why? I won't even hear it. I mean, it'll just go right over my head because it just doesn't bother me like it bothers you. It's like Bob Bob said, because it doesn't bother me. So I'll tell the short story. It's too bad you're going to miss the real, well, there's a, no, but the other story is 15, 20 minutes and it will only change your life, but forget about it. Don't worry about it, do a whole step series. You guys don't deserve that story, you know what I mean? You wouldn't understand it anyway. There's a tape. There's the tape, you know, and there's a recording. You know, e-mail me. I'll send you the story. But I will tell you this. I do want to tell you just one story. When I said – remember I said I started this thing off and I said what's incredible is I know something you don't know. I said no matter how good you feel, you have no idea how incredibly great this thing could get. If you even understood – you know the one thing I want to do when I get up there is make people understand how incredible this thing could get. Because somehow, someway, even though I didn't understand it, I would meet guys in Alcoholics Anonymous and I'd see them and they'd talk and stuff like that and it would just blow me away and I didn' t know what they had, but I knew they had it was like, read AlcoholicsAnonymous number 3 where Bill Dotson says, I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got. You know, he was watching Bill Wilson. I knew there was some more. And sometimes when I used to go to these meetings, I watched these all the time and I said I know he's like me because he talks, I mean the stuff he says, he's He's just like me, but he's got something. There's something going on. I don't know what drug he's on, but it's different than the shit I'm taking. Whatever he's doing, it's like Tiger Woods. You know, I play golf and Tiger Woods plays golf. It's the same game. It's a different game. It's in the same clubs. But let me tell you something. We're playing a different gang. You know what I mean? It's like there are some guys doing AA and I'm doing AA and we're both alcoholics and we have the same room, but let me tells you something, they're playing the different game They're at a different deal. And I went to a meeting when I was about four months sober with my sponsor, and there was a guy speaking named Al Kennedy. And he was just incredible. He's just one of these guys, you know, you meet guys, and Bob Earl calls them Eskimos. You know, you meet these guys that come to their lives maybe five minutes, three minutes, an hour, whatever it is, and they say something, they do something, you watch them just the way they are, whatever it is you say, if something clicks, you say yeah. You don't even know what it is. It sticks with you. Twenty years later, you're talking about that guy. You know? Just like I'm talking about with what Bob Sullivan said to me that day. All of a sudden, you don't remember anything from the last 30 years, but I remember what he said tome at that table when he said, why don't you just shut up? And you just remember certain things. And I'm watching this guy, Al Kennedy. He was about my age, around 62 years of age. And he was loving on people. He was talking to people. He was trying to share his experience. And he wasn't just a guy. He was one of these guys who felt comfortable in his own skin. You know, he was just one of those guys you could just tell this is a guy who's comfortable in its own skin and I mean, my whole life, I wanted to be a man. If anything, I wanted to be known as a man and I was so scared you're going to find out that I wasn't one because I didn't even know what one was. You know, I thought it had something to do with getting laid and that wasn't happening or something to deal with winning fights and that isn't happening, something to doing with making a lot of money and that's not happening and I wanted so much to be a man and I know he was one and they were sort of scary, you know. Maybe if I hung around him, it would like, I'd learn the secret of what it means to be man and I was watching this guy and watching this guys, you now, because he was strong but he wasn't like arrogant, you kno. He was loving and he was kind, he was soft but he was weak, you know. I mean, he's just the kind of guy you want to hang out with him, you knot what I mean? you just want to know him and he finished talking he left the meeting i turned my sponsor i said man that guy was great and this is what my sponsor said to me i want you to imagine this if you could be there if you imagine this he says well you know he's dying and i said to him i it's like i didn't hear him i said i said um no no i'm talking about the guy who just spoke he says yeah he's lying i said the guy just spoke this guy al kennedy says he's died of cancer russell he has He has three months to live. And I said, can you imagine hearing a guy like, you know, it's like, and I said he didn't say anything about it. He didn't saying anything about if it was me, if I had a hangnail. I mean, listen, if was dying, believe me, somehow by the end he says, you know I like coming up to Madison, I really do. I mean I'm dying but it's not a big deal. You know what I mean? I would get something out of it. You know I mean he didn�t even mention it. He was just talking to other people and trying to, he says he's dying. Three months later, he was dead. And I'm watching this guy, and I'm going to discussion meetings where guys are whining over their cars and their girlfriends and the crap that we whine over. And this guy is dying, and it's like, you know, how are you doing? What can I do to help you? It's like it's not even fair. And I said, man, andI knew. You know what it did? It said it's a vision for you. I got a vision of where this thing could take you from the not drinking club to you could even be dying and be rocking in the fourth dimension. You could even be dine and have this deal going for you because you're so fixed on something that nobody could ever take away from you, a relationship, a sense of belonging, not so much that you belong to the group which is great, not so much you belong another person which is great but you belong to him who presides over us all and he'll never be taken away from you and I didn't understand I didn' t understand that deal when I saw it but I knew he had what I wanted and isn' t that what they say if you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length together then you're ready to take a certain step the step before the steps is you've got to have a we some people come in here they're just not ready they don't want what they have or they want it that they're not willing to go any length you know they just want what they had they don't want we have and he became one of the people were my we one of the conditions of having this thing is you've got to have a we you've got to want what we have you can have some group of people or person that you're looking who says I want I want it's not that we put people on pedestals but I guess we do people love Dr. Bob people love Bill Wilson they just look at these guys they say why why can't I get like what he has until you You got what he has. And then there's another guy in front of you that you want what he has. And there's people saying, I want what that guy has. And I wanted what Al Kennedy has. And I know here's the incredible thing. I know that what Al Kennedy had and what I have today is available to everybody in this room. So God bless you. Thank you very much.