Don’t Tell the Newcomer What He’s Doing Wrong — Alcoholism Already Took Care of That – Mike F.

I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is April 23rd, 1985. And for that, I'm grateful. I want to thank the committee for inviting me, and Mike and Sherry for being such good hosts, putting up with me, helping me to find my way around. I've really enjoyed the conference so far, and all of the speakers. You know, Friday night, my friend from Brownwood, and yesterday, our Al-Anon speaker, Ann, and last night, Bob. And I think the committee did a great job with the convention, and the speakers have all been fantastic, so thank you. You know, often people will ask, you know, you get to speak quite a bit. You get nervous when you get up there to speak at a meeting, and I want to let you know I'm not a bit nervous today, because I've got a pretty good idea what I'm going to say, and you haven't any idea what you're going to hear. So if anybody should be nervous, it should be you and not me. I just feel like a mosquito in a nest. I know what to do, but I just don't know where to start. When I was six years old, I lit the house on fire, and I remember that. I remember being across the street and watching the fire department kick in the door and drag hoses in, and the panic in the neighborhood, and my family, and I remember watching this, and I remember sitting there thinking, I can't tell anybody I did that. There's no way. That is not going to happen. So I kept that inside, you know, and I said, that's not coming out. There's no way. I kept it inside, and then, you know, other things started to happen in my life, and I decided I'd keep those inside, too, and so I got real good at keeping secrets and keeping things inside when I was very young, and, you know, that manifested itself in some pain as I began to grow up, and fear, you know, fear that I was going to be, you know, I was going to be found out. Somebody was going to know what I did, and when they found out what I did, I was going to be in trouble, and I knew that, and that was kind of the way I started to grow up, and at some point in time, I remember making the confession, you know, it seemed like years and years about starting a house on fire. My mother said it was actually about a year, and I'm not sure her memory was that good, because it had to have been longer than that. And she said that, you know, I came to her and just said I couldn't sleep at night, you know. That's a terrible place to be when you're six years old, you know, but my behavior very early in life began, I would do things that didn't really make sense for some reason, and then I would have to hide this, and I would have these feelings of guilt and fear, and going to be found out, and then I started stealing, you know. I found out that, you know, I could take things that didn't belong to me, and for some reason that gave me a thrill. I don't know why I would be thrilled by doing that. I didn't want the junk I was taking, but I did it anyway, and then I'd feel bad about that, and it was just amazing how all these things I was doing was causing me to feel bad, and I don't think my parents were like doing a bad job raising me as a child. I was a middle child of seven. My dad was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous while I was growing up. My mother was a member of Al-Anon. I was raised in a pretty good home. Now, there was a little bit of drinking very early with my dad. I don't really remember it, but I remember some fights and things like that and some yelling at night. And I remember being, you know, up in my bed and being afraid, you know. Not sure what I was afraid of, but I knew whatever it was, it was my fault. And, you know, I'd be there and I'd be afraid of something bad going to happen. Well, he got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. He started going to meetings and his life started to change. And my mother was involved in Al-Anon and her life started to change. And good things were happening in my home. And my dad was always doing 12-step calls and working with other alcoholics. And him and his sponsor, you know, in this small little town, it was alcoholics. Outside of Buffalo, New York. And they were always working with drunks. And I could see that. The police would occasionally drop off a drunk and they'd sleep on the front porch. And we'd be getting up to go to school and there'd be a drunk sitting at the table shaking. And, you know, later my mother would make meals for these guys and my dad and his sponsor would take them to meetings. And the family was kind of involved. There'd be picnics and anniversary celebrations and things like that. And we'd get to go and participate. And our house was always open. And we'd get to go and participate. And we'd get to go and participate. And I'm always full of alcoholics. And, you know, I didn't have this perception of alcoholics being skid row, although I got to see some of those guys. I didn't have a perception of alcoholics being anything other than, you know, what they are. You know, people who stopped drinking forever. And that was kind of what was planted in my head. These guys stopped drinking, never drank again. Because that's what AA did for people. And I saw families get together. So I knew that it was a good thing. Growing up. And somewhere around second grade, my brother's first communion, he and I went and we stole some beer out of the cooler. And we hid in the woods and we drank the beer. And I got to tell you, I didn't dance with all the girls and have a great time. And all these wonderful things happened. I don't remember it that way. But what I do recall was that I didn't tell my brother this either. I went back and took some more and hid it in the woods. So I could have it the next day. So I was, from the get-go, I was planning when I could do it again. And there was some thrill about partying and some thrill about this that just seemed right for me. And I remember any opportunity I had to sneak a drink or to steal alcohol, I did that so that I could drink it. And eventually, those feelings that I was stuffing down in me, the fears and the frustration and the anger and the things I couldn't handle, I couldn't tell you because I wasn't measuring up, felt okay when I drank alcohol. And most alcoholics in here know exactly what I'm talking about. You know, before I go any further, I do want to tell you, I got sober in Texas. And somebody said, well, you're a Yankee. But that's all right. But I still got sober in Texas. And I live in Chandler, Arizona now. I've got a home group. It's called the We Ain't Dead Yet group. We meet on Mondays and Wednesdays. And if you're ever in Arizona or in Gilbert, Arizona, we would love you to be our guest. We've got a great home group. I've got a sponsor. And a lot of you know my sponsor. He spoke here not too long ago, Howard P. from Gilbert. My first sponsor was a guy named John C., Big John from Brownwood, Texas. And so my first sponsor, John C., had the initials of JC. And my current sponsor, Howard P., has a higher power. I'm not sure if I was looking for something or what's going on there. But I can tell you, I certainly feel like I've been surrounded at the beginning of my sobriety, and certainly now, by some wonderful people. And Texas has played a very important role in my sobriety, because the roots of my sobriety started in rooms like this, in places, small towns in Texas. And I'm grateful to the men and the women of Texas for loving me, when I was not really a very lovable guy. And I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I came from Texas. I'm not a very lovable guy. Well, you know, there's a story about a guy in one of the clubhouses, I think down in Lubbock. And this guy said, I'm Ed, and I haven't found it necessary to take a drink for 14 years, 9 months, 6 weeks, and 8 hours. And the guy in the back said, Ed, that's a lie. You were so drunk Saturday night, you couldn't even walk down the street. And he said, yeah, but it wasn't necessary. I do believe that every drink I had was necessary to get me to the rooms that I was allowed of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, there's a lot of programs out there today, too. I mean, there's a lot of programs out there today. There's NA and OA and CA and PA and EA and SA. There's OA. There's all kinds, and they all use the 12 steps. Since 1951, when the General Service Office granted permission for Al-Anon to use the 12 steps and 12 traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's been 543 requests to the AA office to get permission to use the 12 steps, and every one of them have been granted permission to use them. Now, I don't know how many of those groups are in existence, but I know an awful lot of people have benefited from the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 traditions, and it certainly has made a global impact on this world, and I'm grateful for the 12 steps. I'm grateful for this program. You know, they've got a new one. It's called Paranoia Anonymous. You know, they've got an unlisted number, and they don't tell anybody where they meet, but there certainly were some times where I probably belonged there. You know, I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous right after I was detoxed in Children's Hospital, and they detoxed me in Children's Hospital because they didn't have a place to put a kid like me that was doing the things I was doing, and I was in the hospital there in Children's Hospital, and I was 15 years old. And I was there for about eight days, and they, you know, it wasn't intensive care. It just happened to be the room that was right across from the nurse's station so they could keep a closed eye on me as I was coming off of the alcohol and detoxing. And Bob mentioned that last night. The detox of alcohol can be very, very dangerous, and of course I had some other chemicals in me they had to detox me from as well. And here I am laying in this bed, and Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholic members of A.A. would come and see me. And during that time, I made the promise that I would go to A.A. meetings and that I would go to counseling. It was kind of the condition that they were going to let me leave. Well, I went to my, well, the counseling, I'll share that with you first. I went to counseling about six weeks after the first session. The counselor and I were smoking pot together. I don't think it was working. It was a new therapy. My parents, I wondered why I continued to go. I went to my first A.A. meeting in the bottom of a police station on a Friday night in Orchard Park, New York. And I walked down into that smoke-filled room, and I sat there, and it was filled with people just like you. And they went around the room that night, and this one said, I'm Ed, and I'm an alcoholic. And the guy next to him said, I'm Dan, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm Art, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm Dorothy, and I'm an alcoholic. And it came to me, and I said, I'm Mike, and I'm a problem drinker with alcoholic tendencies. See, because I was 15 years old, and I didn't believe I belonged here. See, I looked at you folks, and I knew that your lives were getting better, but I knew I had to be different because I was much younger than you were, and I was a whole lot smarter. And besides that, you were quitting drinking forever, and I wanted nothing to do with that. But those people in Alcoholics Anonymous didn't tell me I had to leave. They said things like, keep coming back. They said things like, if you waddle like a duck and you quack like a duck, you're probably a duck. They said things like, you're probably a duck. You're probably a duck. You're probably a duck. And I thought there was something wrong with them. They said things like, it's the first drink that gets you drunk. And I thought, you don't drink like I do. You have no idea. And I'd go back out, and I would drink again. And bad things would begin to happen to me, and I would do these things, and I would get in trouble. And the nice people in Alcoholics Anonymous told me, kid, if you keep doing this, this is what's going to happen. And they were sharing their stories with me, and I thought what they were trying to do is threaten me. Yeah, but they weren't. What they were doing, they were sharing their experiences. And the things that they shared with me began to happen in my life. And everywhere I went, these things were happening to me. I'd end up in a hospital all the time. I was like, if I got miles for points, I'd be like on a cruise today for my hospital visit. Even got to go to a psychiatric ward. That was a real experience for me. I remember the psychiatric ward, and I remember convincing the doctor there, that if he'll just let me out, that I'll get on track. And I'll go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I know that's my problem. And he released me, and before the ride got there, I was down at the bar getting drunk. Because that's what I did when I had an opportunity to. Because all that stuff that I was doing, all those feelings that I had, all the things that made me different than you when I drank alcohol were okay. Now, I don't think that they made the wrongs right. What I think they did, what I think the alcoholics, all did is made it so that I could live with those wrongs. I could live with those wrongs just for so long. And then the alcohol started to turn on me, and I couldn't live with that. Then I'd want to die. And when I wanted to die, the only place I knew I could go was back to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'd come back here, and you people would welcome me. And I went to meetings, and I mean a lot of meetings. And I'd come in, and the people were always kind, and I'd start to get sober, and somebody would get a 30-day chip, or they'd celebrate an anniversary, and I'd get a resentment. Because I never got that, and you did. And somebody else would get a girlfriend, or somebody would get a job, or somebody would get married. Or something good would happen in your life, and nothing good was ever happening in my life. Because every time something good happened, for some reason, I pulled it down on me. And I knew I was a disappointment to everybody. I knew that my mom and my dad had no choice but to be completely disappointed in me and the life that I was having. When I graduated high school, you know, that was a huge event, because I rarely went. And when I graduated high school, they called my name. And I walked across the stage, and I got halfway across the stage, and somebody in the back of the room yelled as loud as they could, drugs. Because that was one of the nicknames that they used for me when I was in high school. And I thought, there it is again. This is the biggest moment of my life. I'm going to get my diploma. My mom and my dad are out there. My grandmother's out there. Friends and family members are out there. And I am nothing more than a disappointment. Because here it is. I'm letting them down again. Everything that I did, and I really believe that, was a disappointment to people. My intentions were never that way. My intentions were always good. I wanted to be a good son. I wanted people to be proud of me. I wanted to be successful. I wanted these things. I just didn't have the power to do it. And I was a disappointment. And my alcoholism progressed. And it got worse. And in April 1985, I had finally gotten the courage to commit suicide. So I broke into this house in Buffalo, New York. I knew that people had gone away. I used to live with a guy that lived there. And I broke into the house. And I got in there. And I tore that place apart looking for his gun. And I knew he had a gun because he almost blew my head off one day with it while we were drinking inside the house. And he's going to show me how it worked. I couldn't find that gun that day. And I ended up on the top floor of that house. And I'm looking out the window. And it's getting to be daylight. And I'm looking out. And I'm trying to think, if I dive out this window, can I kill myself? Or am I going to just flop around on that ground in pain? And I can tell you, I didn't want to flop around in pain because I'd been in enough pain. And I see three ladies walking down the street wearing these funny church hats. Now, it was probably a hallucination. But I swear I saw it. And I see these three ladies walking down the street. And I thought, well, my grandmother, who used to come by the house with her friends after church on Sunday. And they were always wearing these funny looking church hats. And I saw these ladies. And I thought of church. And for the first time in a long time, I got down on my knees in that room by myself. And I said a prayer that every alcoholic can hear and every non-alcoholic knows. And that prayer was, God, help me. Now, the room didn't light up. And the wind didn't blow. And I didn't feel the presence of God. But I do believe at that moment some things began to happen in the invisible that kind of guided me back into Alcoholics Anonymous with a new willingness, something I'd never had before. Later that day, I called the only person left that I thought might be willing to help me. And that was my dad. And I said, I'm ready. I need some help. Apparently, I hadn't been around for a while. He said, where are you? And I told him. And he agreed to meet me the next day. Yeah, actually, I want to stop there for a second and tell you, anybody that's new here today, anything that I say is my opinion. I don't speak for alcoholics. Alcoholics Anonymous, nobody has a right to do that. Sometimes you hear these guys get up, and you think they wrote the book. All I'm qualified to do is share my opinion. And I'm only qualified to even share my opinion of my story as how I remember it. Because you could talk to somebody else that was close to me, and boy, they've got a different version of my story. There is always seem to be so much worse, too. You know? But you know, I called my dad. And he agreed to meet me. And he and another member of Alcoholics Anonymous came and met me in a diner the next day. We talked about my options. And I had none. And we agreed we'd do everything that we could to try to get me into a hospital so that I could be medically detoxed. Because we were afraid that if I detoxed any other way, I was going to be dead. And they wouldn't take me. And we worked for probably 24 hours on the phone. Finally, I had a contact at the Buffalo Area Council on Alcoholism. And this man was a director. And I got a hold of him. And I said, I really need to get into a hospital. And he said, you go on over to the Erie County Medical Center. And I'll make the calls. And they'll be waiting for you. And I got a ride over there. And they dropped me off. And I walked in. And they were waiting for me. The admissions counselor was standing there with his hands out like this. And he said, you can stop right there. You are not coming in. You've been here too much. We can't help you. There's the door. And I left. And I had a feeling of hopelessness that I had never had. I had a bit of a resentment against that dude, too. Because I believe my dad sponsored him. Several events happened over the next week and a half. And my dad got a hold of a friend of his in Brownwood named Big John. And he said, John, I don't know what to do with Mike. But I've got to get him out of town. And John said, stick him on an airplane. Send him down here to see me for a couple of weeks. And we'll see if he wants this thing. On May 5, 1985, I landed in Abilene, Texas about 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Big John greeted me there at the airport with two other sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And they took me up to Brownwood to an AA meeting. And on the way to the meeting, John said, kid. He always called me. Well, he had two names for me. Kid was one of them. Yeah. I may even share the other one before I get through. He said, here in Texas, we give our sobriety date. He said, so if you've got one, you ought to give it and just be quiet if they call on you tonight. And I thought that was just OK with me. So it came around to me that night. And I said, I'm Mike. I'm an alcoholic. And I made up a sobriety date because I had no idea what it was. Later that night, I got back to John's apartment. John had a one-bedroom apartment and banged on the door to the Texas. And we got there. And John was a big guy. Compared to me, everybody's big. But John was a huge man. He was like 6'2". And he's always had a cigar in his mouth. And he's got his hands in his pocket. And he's kind of pacing. And he says, how long you been around the deal, kid? He always called AA the deal. And with as much ego as you can have, when you weigh 90 pounds, when everything you own is in a cardboard box and you're wearing somebody else's pants, I said, about 10 years. And he looked at me and he said, I don't know if you've got the guts it takes to make this deal, kid, but if you want to get sober, I'll go to hell and back with you. And if you don't, you can go to hell alone. And I'm waiting for welcome to Texas. Few minutes later, we're sitting in his den. And he looks at me and he says, you are nothing but a thief. He said, you are the worst kind of thief. You are the worst kind of thief there is because you stole from those that you love the most their right to happiness. For the first time in 10 years, I was faced with the truth about myself. Because all those times that I was coming in and out of AA and doing the things that I was doing, I was saying things like, I'm not hurting anybody but me. I only went around here with a problem. The problem is you. And if you just help me out of this jam and get off my back, I'm going to be all right. And I'm going to manage it better next time. And things are going to work out. You'll see. Just give me a chance. And when John said that to me that night, I had no comeback. Because I had been beaten into a condition of reasonableness. See, alcoholism beat me down so low. . There was no fight left. I had nothing left. The next day, Big John and I get up. John was one of these guys that get up early in the morning. Anybody that knows me knows I am not that kind of guy. And John would come in and he'd say, come on, kid. We've got to go. We've got places to go, people to see, things to do. And I'm like, what do we have to do? This guy's 80 years old. So he takes me to his best buddy's house down in Brownwood and bangs about eight, nine miles from Brownwood. And we drive down to Bill O's house, Bill and Arbutus. Some of the Al-Anon certainly know Arbutus. And we pull up there and it's a Midwest tape library. And John looks at me and says, kid, this is the largest AA tape library in the world. And I said, so what? I could care less. And we went into that tape library and he introduced me to Bill and Arbutus. And we sat down there and we drank some. And some of you new guys don't even know about this stuff. But we drank instant coffee. The crystals. Boy, it was tough getting sober way back then. The sacrifices I had to make was amazing. I never complained either. And I was one of these guys, I could get about a seven word sentence out in three of them and start with F. Well, John and Bill are sitting there. They're having a conversation. Oh, before I tell you, Bill got sober October 21 in 1951. And John got sober October 28 of 1951. So Bill had one week more than John. And he never let them forget it. And these two old guys would be doing their deal. And they're talking AA. And they're talking about the history of AA. And Bill had one eye and one arm. And that's not really significant. But it will become significant later when I share one of my stories with you. Well, anyway, this particular day, John and Bill are sitting there having a conversation. This is my first time there. And I don't know if you've ever been this way, but I thought it was my turn. So I shared one of my sentences. Bill took his finger, and he started pounding down on the table. And he said, young man, the first thing we clean up in here is our mouth. And I thought he was pretty grumpy. You know, when we left that house, I said to John, what's up with that guy? I said, he's kind of grumpy. I'm 25 years old. Now, I didn't get into the fact that I weighed 90 pounds. And you know. I was on my way. I was a mess. I still got this sick ego. And I said, John, he's going to try to tell me how I have to talk now? He said, well, kid, you know, and this DLAA saved our lives. You know, the men and women that made this thing happen for us, we have a lot of respect for them. We have a lot of respect for this program. And what Bill's really saying is he wants you to have the same level of respect for the program that saved our lives as we do. And you might be the only big book that some new guy or new gal gets to see. And we want you to be a good example of what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is. And for that reason, he's trying to point that out to you. I was grateful. And from that day to this, I have never used profanity behind a podium or in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. You might notice that I have developed some opinions, too. You know, I'd sit there and I'd listen to these guys. And I learned more about the history of Alcoholics Anonymous in the first 30 days. And it was just amazing. It really was. It was amazing. And they introduced me to people. And they dragged my butt to conferences and to roundups all over Texas. And they introduced me to guys like Roy Y and Evelyn and Circe and David. I could go on and on with the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, the history in Texas of the men and women that made me feel welcome. And I would say some things to John. And in that apartment here, they just were nasty. I was one of these guys that came to you. I'd cheer up this whole room by leaving. I was not a happy guy when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I often say things like somebody had licked all the red off my candy. I thought I was a victim. I thought I was a bad guy. I thought that if things had been different, I wouldn't be in that mess. And I'm listening to John. I'm listening to Bill. And I'm starting to get a little bit sober. And John had to go away on a trip. He traveled a lot with AA. And he came back this one day. And I said I did it. I was like a happy kid. And he said, what'd you do, kid? And I said, I read it. And he said, what'd you read? This is the first book I ever read. I was proud. I said, I read the big book. I read the 164 pages. He said, kid, I read Moby Dick. And I don't remember a damn bit of it. He said, we've got to study that book. And we began to study the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That book changed my life. That book is where the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is. And I had to get into that book to find out how it would work for me. And I was going to these meetings. And you know, the meetings are wonderful. And it's a great place to exchange our fellowship and to help new people and to be an example of what the program is. And I went to a lot of meetings. And I go to a lot of meetings today. But you know, somebody with some ego came to me a couple of years ago and said, I went to probably two meetings a day my first year in the program. I said, hell, I did that my last year drinking. The meetings didn't get me sober. The meetings helped. But the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and sponsorship and people in the program that guide me and direct me and lead me is what got me and helped me to stay sober. And John said, if you want to get up, stand up. Stand up and stay up. We can show you how to do it. And you did that. You did that. I'm in that library one day. And I got to tell you, I came to you feeling like I was a disappointment. And I was a failure. And I met Smitty, Dr. Bob's son. And Smitty said, now, I've known enough about AA history then to be dangerous, OK? And Smitty said something like, did Bill and John ever tell you about the first guy my dad and Bill Wilson worked with? And I'm like, oh, yeah. Bill D, AA number three, Akron City Hospital. You know, I'm going to quote the histories as well. He said, there was a guy before Bill D. This guy's name was Eddie. And he said, they moved Eddie into our house. Eddie and his family moved into Dr. Bob's house. And he said, Eddie is upstairs. And Eddie would climb out the window. And he'd go out. And he'd get drunk. And Dr. Bob and Bill would round Eddie back up. And they'd try to get him sober. Anyway, Eddie was a bad drunk. And he had some other issues. And Eddie one day was chasing Dr. Bob's wife, Ann, around the house with a butcher knife. And Eddie had to be committed. So the first guy that Dr. Bob and Bill jointly tried to help had to be committed. And I'll bet somebody along the line thought that maybe they were a failure. Maybe Eddie felt that way. Maybe Bill did. Maybe Bob did. But Bill and Bob didn't stop. They went on to Akron City Hospital. And they found AA number three, Bill D. 15 years later, at Dr. Bob's funeral, a guy came up to Smitty and said, do you know who I am? And he said, well, you're Eddie. And he said. Yeah, and I'm a member of the Youngstown group. And I've been sober. I have to tell you that when he shared the story of Eddie with me, I realized for the first time in over 10 years that I was home in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because AA wasn't built on success. It was built on failure. It was guys like Eddie that made Alcoholics Anonymous what it was and made AA work. And I felt like, man. This is my home. This is where I belong. And for the first time, I knew that. And I was grateful that Smitty shared that story with me. And I'm grateful for all of the history of Alcoholics Anonymous and the things that happened in the beginning that made it so we had the traditions today that helped keep Alcoholics Anonymous together. And the first tradition in that book is that our common welfare comes first, that personal recovery. My recovery depends upon our common welfare. And if you're new here today, I've got to tell you, you are just as much a member of Alcoholics Anonymous if you have an alcohol problem and a desire not to drink as I am or anybody here, including this man here with 38 years? 39 years. Wow. Gee. Now, you may not have the same sober experiences, but you have the same membership because you are a member of this program if you say you are. And I'm grateful for the traditions, especially that one. Because if they didn't have that tradition, I wouldn't have been able to be in here. Because the things that I did. So John and I started studying this big book. And I get to that part in the book where it says lack of power is our dilemma. See, I thought drinking was mine. And I thought some of the other chemicals I was doing was mine. And I thought the fact that I couldn't get a date was mine. I thought I didn't have enough money or a job or a car or anywhere to go. I thought that was my dilemma. But the book was great. The book said lack of power is my dilemma, and after that it said that the main object of this book is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself. It will solve your problem. I had to begin to do something with a new kind of willingness. And, you know, it says that honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are the essentials for recovery. And they explained that to me. I had a little trouble with a higher power when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I had some trouble with God. But I remember growing up seeing my dad get down on his knees and praying every day, so I would do that in early sobriety. I just started getting down on my knees because I figured if it worked for him, I'll try it. I'll just try it. I didn't believe it, but I'd still try it. And the only prayer I could say was, God, help me get through this day without thinking about taking a drink, because I still wanted to drink. My head still thought about taking a drink all the time. And I would get down and I'd say, God, help me get through this day without thinking about taking a drink. And I'd go on about my business. I'd go to the meetings. I'd go, you know, here was a day with Big John for me, okay? We'd get up in the morning. We'd have some breakfast. Oh, there's a good one, too. John would have me make him breakfast, okay? Hey, kids, could you make me a couple of eggs and maybe make them with some yolk, you know? I'm like, I'll give it a shot. So I'd make breakfast. Man, all the rest of the day. He'd be going around telling everybody he saw how the kid made him breakfast. This kid's a cook. Boy, he's a cook. Then one time, he asked me to make him spaghetti and meatballs. And he said, could you get the meatballs so that they're round? I'm thinking, I don't know how to do that, but I'll figure it out. So I think I got two weeks of compliments out of the spaghetti and meatballs. He made the best spaghetti and meatballs of anybody. He learned from his mother. And he's just bragging on me. About making these spaghetti and meatballs. See, what John was doing is he was taking a broken guy, okay, that had absolutely no self-esteem whatsoever. I knew I was a complete failure at everything. And he was finding the little things that I could do. He was having me do them. And then he was bragging on me and lifting me up and making me feel like I belonged, like I was important, like I was special. And I needed that. Do that. Do that for your newcomers. And while I'm on it, I never heard, take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth. I'm telling you, I didn't hear that. Maybe that's your experience. But let me tell you something. These guys found the good, and they loved me. They made me feel like, they'd say, kids, you're doing a good job. They let me do it like a five-minute pitch. And I said, oh, boy, that was great. You really did it. You are such a good example. You're the best door greeter. You can make coffee. You clean ashtrays like nobody's business, kid. And I'd stand at the door, and I'd greet people. Hi, welcome. Glad you're here. And I was starting to listen to these guys, and I was starting to feel good. And I was starting to say, hey, I'm doing all right. And some lady comes up to me, and I know she meant well. She was kind, and she was loving, and she was so dry-ity. She just said, you just wait until that pink cloud lifts. I think somebody licked all the red off her candy, too. I remember saying to Big John, what in the heck is that? He said, don't worry about it, kid. You just keep doing what you're doing. He said, if something works, you just don't fix it. You just keep doing it. You know, I've been trying to keep doing that. That was what I found that worked. And I found that if I had that attitude, if I had an attitude of happy, joyous, and free, and that doesn't matter. It doesn't mean that there's times that, especially in the beginning, where you're up and down. I was certainly up and down. I understand that. But, you see, I had to go through these actions before I started to believe even what I was saying. Because long before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't dream. See, the dreams in me were dead. They died as a very young child. I didn't dream of having a family. I didn't dream of a career. I didn't dream of owning things. I was a victim of a disease, and I knew it. And I knew I was going to die that way. Because that's what happens. And I knew that. So I didn't have reason to dream. And it was the men and women in Alcoholics Anonymous that started to give me the dream. They started to tell me, hey, you could write down the things that you want in AA, kid. In just a couple years, you'll see that you shortchanged yourself. Well, I know what I wanted when I came to AA. I wanted a job. I wanted a job, a girlfriend, and a place to live. And I'd taken a girl with the other two. You know, I'd been happy. Not that I was looking for shortcuts, but I was. I was. I was looking for a soft, easy way. I didn't want to put in any effort. I didn't want to put in the work. There's a lot of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous I went to, and I go back to John's little apartment. You know, he invited me down for two weeks. I stayed for two years. Okay? I'm going to tell you about sponsorship. I had a one-bedroom apartment, okay? I got the bed, okay? That's the kind of sponsor this dude was. See, he gave himself unselfishly, okay, to me without expectation of return. And that's what he drilled into my head. He said, this deal is about giving of ourselves to others without expectation of return. And I thought, John, can't I just get a couple of bucks? And he's like, no, kid. This is without expectation. We do this with no... No motive. We give freely of ourselves because that's what we're called to do. See, we get to be sober because that's what we do. And he took me through the steps of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, page 30 of the big book says something like, and I don't quote a lot of the pages of the book. My sponsor, Howard, does, okay? But if you check him out, you might not find out that he's... He's a wonderful guy and funny, and we just have a blast together. But... You know, we're going through the book, and on page 30, it says something like, it's the great obsession of every abnormal drinker, that somehow, some way, he'll control and enjoy his drinking, that the persistence of this illusion is astonishing, and many pursue it to the gates of insanity or death. Now, I don't know how close to death I was when I got off of that plane weighing 90 pounds wearing somebody else's pants, but I will tell you that I was at the gates of insanity. There was no question in my mind about it. My mind, I feared my mind was gone. John and I would be talking, and I would try to carry on a conversation. You wouldn't believe it today, but I had trouble putting words together. And he would say things... I would be so angry that I would swear at him. And he would say things to me like, it's going to be okay, kid. Hang on. Hang in there. And he'd put up with this. And, you know, he would say stuff like, if you're looking for sympathy, excuse me, a little emotional. I've got to tell you, celebrating a birthday on Thursday is a big deal. Having the opportunity and the privilege to be back here in Texas. Actually, since I'm sober, I've never spoken in Texas since I left in 1987. So to be back to this roundup celebrating 24 years when I'm celebrating my 24 years is a miracle for me. It's a thrill to be here. It's an emotional experience. I was at your second Long Timers Roundup in 87. Now, come on, guys. Don't do that, man. You're getting me all emotional up here. You're sitting there. But, you know, I was here. Big John spoke at night and David A. spoke in the morning. I remember that roundup. It was a great time. You know, coming back here, I was really excited about this. And you guys haven't let me down one bit. I have had just an absolute blast since I'm here. I got to do something. I got to get some good. I got to get some good. I got to get some good Texas food while I was here. I get to go home and brag to my family about that. Got to meet some new friends. And everywhere that I go that I'm blessed to go in Alcoholics Anonymous, I get to add more people to my phone list, you know. And that's fun for me. And you see, it was because of guys like John and Bill and these guys showing me that I didn't have to live this life. And they made a lot of promises, you know. They made a lot of promises. They'd go right to the book and they'd say, if you're painstaking about this phase of your development, you're going to be amazed before you're halfway through. You're going to come to know a new freedom and a new happiness. That you won't regret the past and you won't wish to shut the door on it. That you'll comprehend the word serenity and you'll know peace. And no matter how far down you've gone, you'll see how your experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will slip away. See, they told me things like this and I believed it. And you know what? They were absolutely right. They were absolutely right. Because those feelings are gone today. I can stand at the door today and greet someone when they come. And I can welcome them. I can say, I am glad you're here. And you know what? And I mean it. I mean it. Because that's important that we welcome those people coming into these meetings. And I don't qualify them when they come in either. If they come here, I don't care how they came here. It don't matter to me because I want to give them the same opportunity for sobriety that was given to them. I want to give them the same opportunity for sobriety that was given to me. And extend that same hand of kindness and consideration that you extended to me. And tell them we love you. And if they figure out maybe that they don't belong here, that's their business. And they can go somewhere else. And I'm okay with that too. But the ones who do, I hope stay. And I know this. And not everybody comes in meetings stay. You know, it took me 10 years. I could have died. I know I could have died while I was out there. And I probably would have had a little funeral, you know. And that would have been the end. You know, today I know whatever I do can be carried on because of Alcoholics Anonymous. Let me tell you, I was, I left, I don't, how much time do I have? My plane doesn't leave until 4. And you know I'm just getting warmed up. I have like 15 minutes left or something. All right. You've got to kind of give me a, that is one of my character defects. You put a microphone in front of me and I just don't want to stop. And there was a time, you know, where, I didn't want to get up behind one of these deals. Yeah. And today it's not that way. You know, I moved to, I moved from Brownwood, Texas to Chandler, Arizona in 1987. And I was living in an apartment with an AA friend of mine and I was working construction. And I was out by the pool one day and the, the girl comes and she dives in the water and I'm checking her out. So I dove in the water after her and I introduced myself to her and I talked to her about the only thing I knew. And you know what that is. That's Alcoholics Anonymous. And she was kind and she was visiting her family there. And we talked a little bit and she was only going to be there another week or so and I got the courage to ask her out on a date. And I want you to know, I'm not going to give you a fifth step here today, but I'll tell you about my dating prior to Alcoholics Anonymous in one word. Pathetic. Okay. Alright. Is that descriptive enough? It was pathetic. So I asked this girl out on a date and she was kind and she said, I've got other plans. My friend's coming to town and this is going on and that's going on. You know, I felt a little rejected. I did. You know, I'd be lying if I didn't. But I knew what to do with it. That night I was in a meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous and afterward I was working with two of my sponsees. We were going through the big book. And I got over that. It was not, you know, I got over it because that's just living. See, that's just what is. Well, a few days later I was back at that pool and she was there. And this time she said, She said to me, Hey, my plans have changed. If you still would like to go out on a date, I have tickets to a baseball game and it's tomorrow night. You're welcome to be my guest. And I said, Well, I'd love to go. Would you join me for dinner ahead of time? And she said, That'd be fine. So I picked her up in my black Ford Fairmont in Arizona in August with no air conditioning. And we went. And she got her fortune cookie at dinner and she read her fortune cookie and she opened it up and it said, You can trust the man you're with. His love is true. Now I swear to you, I didn't have anything to do with that. Four months later we were married and we just celebrated 21 years. We have three absolutely wonderful kids. I've got a 19 year old, a 16 year old and a 14 year old. I'm home in a beautiful city. I'm active in AA. Very active. The library that Bill and Arbutus had now is in my home. My wife and I are trying to get that all digitized and restored so that we can one day make it available to the fellowships of AA and Al-Anon because they're all unreal to real. So that's kind of a service project that we're working on. I get to have my own business today. I'm on a board at my church. I'm on the board that oversees the pastors. It's like, you've got to understand where I came from. These people don't know me. The reality is that great things will happen for those of us who don't take the credit. That's what I found, the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's wonderful things happen in my life when I get out of the way and I don't think I need to take the credit. Today when I get down on my knees, help direct me today. If there's anyone there that I can help and I don't care who it is, alcoholic or not, please let them come to my life and let my eyes be open so that I know I can do your work and when I'm done, let me give the credit to you instead of to me. And as long as I continue to have that prayer, I believe that I can do that responsibility pledge it says when anyone anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to be there to help them. And I try to be an example like Big John said of this big book and this program everywhere that I go. I try to be a good example of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you know in Bill D's story, AA number 3, if you read that story, it talks about Bill Wilson sitting at the table with Bill and his wife Henrietta. And Bill looked across the table at Henrietta and he said, I'm paraphrasing, you can look it up and find out that I screwed it all up, Henrietta, I'm so grateful to God for having cured me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep telling people about it and talking about it. And you know, that's where I'm at today. And that's where I've been at for a long time in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I remember the first time I got to give a short little 10 minute pitch at a meeting and I said to Big John, well, how'd I do? And he said, you talk too long, you talk too much, and then he laughed and he said, kid, you did wonderful, but just remember, it's only six inches from a halo to a noose. See, John believed in ego deflation at depth and he knew that I needed that. Because if there's one problem this alcoholic suffers with today and that's ego, and I have to work on that on a daily basis and that's why I make sure that I tell you that, and I make sure that in my prayers that I ask God to let me give the credit to him. And I try to take that credit to myself. Because things will happen in this program. I was in Toronto, Canada at an international convention and I met this group from another country and I was talking to this very nice lady for a little while that afternoon. And she was a special lady and I don't know why. But when we were done, they were getting ready to go on to a big meeting and I ran up to my room real quick because I had a couple of pictures of Bill and Lois Wilson in my suitcase. And I was so driven to give this lady a picture of Bill and Lois. So I came down to give it to her and she was already gone. But one of the guys from her group was there and I gave it to him and I said, would you please give this to this lady? And he said, I'd be happy to. The next morning I'm checking out of that hotel and this lady comes up to me and she's weeping and she's grabbing at my coat and she says, I need to talk to you, I need to talk to you. And finally I broke away from what I was doing and I went and sat down with her. And I said, what did I do? And she said, I was standing in the lobby of the hotel yesterday afternoon thinking about taking a drink. And she said, this fella came up and gave me the picture of Bill and Lois. And when he gave me that picture of Bill, I realized that Bill Wilson was in the lobby of a hotel and he was thinking about taking a drink. And he didn't have to take a drink and she said, either did I. You'll never know what you did. And I looked at that lady and you know, my ego wanted to take credit. But I looked at her and I said, lady, I gave you a picture. God gave you a miracle. And I'm grateful that you shared that with me because God, once again, revealed Himself to me and I believe that He does that over and over if I'll just be aware of what's going on. See, I don't have to question the God in my life today because all I've got to do is look in the mirror and I know I've got a miracle. But that's not enough for me. I still need to see your miracle. And that's why I like to come to the meetings and be part of this and watch the newcomers and sponsor people because I get to see miracles all the time and that's a privilege. You know, there's people out there today that have never seen a miracle and in this room, there's a room full of them. And there's not a single person sitting in a chair this morning that's story's not as valid as mine and most of them are probably better. I just might be able to wing it out a little differently. Okay? I'm sure a member of AA is me and your ability to help someone is just as good and maybe better than mine. And I'm grateful for that because that's why the 12th step is what it is. See, we try to carry this message to those alcoholics who still suffer because when we do that we are acting as agents for our higher power so that he can change lives. It's not us that do it. See, we don't have dependency on sponsorship but I try to tell that to the men who are sponsoring. Don't place your dependency upon me. Place your dependency upon a power greater than yourself because that if the big book says that the main object of this book is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself that will solve your problem who in the heck do I think I am to think I've got your answer? The only answer I've got is to direct you back to that higher power. Now I know how to do that because the program of Alcoholics Anonymous does that and that's why the 12th step says spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. So I know the steps tell us how to have that. Now I told you that that prayer that I used to say was I'd get down on my knees and I'd say God help me to get through this day without thinking about taking a drink. And one day I was getting ready for bed and as I was getting ready for bed that night it dawned on me that I went through a day and I hadn't thought about taking a drink. You see that was a miracle and I recognized it. So I don't know if it was a miracle that I recognized it or a miracle that it happened maybe it was two miracles but the fact was I knew God was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself because I had nothing to do with having the power to not drink that day. I used to try so hard to not drink and I couldn't do it. Big John said this program as simple as ABC. Simple as ABC kid we accept, we begin and we continue we hold on to the God of our understanding and we'll be grateful for every day and we'll be able to get up stand up and stay up. And you know the thing I admitted I was an alcoholic for 10 years but I'd never accepted it. Once I accepted my alcoholism to my innermost self in a way that I'd never had before I was ready to begin. That's what happened. That's what happened. See what it was like I was a thief. What happened? God's grace came into my life. What's it like today? I get to live it. I get to experience it. I get to share it. I don't have to keep it. I don't have to hide it. I don't have to lock it away. I get to live it. We get to live it. See I got drunk and we get sober. That's the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous I didn't have to be alone anymore. I didn't know that. Even though they said that I had to experience that. That took time. John said you don't get this deal by Thursday night fathead. Oh that's the other word he occasionally used. He said it takes time. And it's taken time. And it continues to take time. And my relationship with the God of my understanding is always changing. Today it's where it's at. Based on my experiences of living in a year from now it'll be at a different place. But I know that if I have one hand on wet alcoholic and one hand on the big book that's going to be okay. And the reason I know that is because you told me that. And you didn't lie to me. You didn't lie to me because these men and these women that were sharing this with me were living it. Just like you are. And that's what I feel when I come here. And I'm grateful that I did. You know Dr. Bob only spoke twice publicly. Well recorded twice. Publicly during his 15 years of sobriety. One was what they call his last major talk. And the other was his farewell message which was given in Cleveland, Ohio at the first international convention in 1950. And at that convention Dr. Bob said that if you took Alcoholics Anonymous and he simmered it down to just two things. You'd have love and you'd have service. And you see I believe the God of my understanding today is love. And it expresses itself in many different ways. And I had trouble with that. And Big John I said what is that? And he said kid love is an unbiased attitude of good will toward everyone. And I said huh? He said that just means you don't wish someone get run over by a car. I can love that way. See he lowered the bar. So even I could reach it. That's the magic of carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. You don't have to come up to where we are. We'll come down to where you are. That's what we have to remember. That's our responsibility. Is to meet them where they are. Doesn't matter if they came in from the court. Doesn't matter if they came in from the park bench. Doesn't matter if they've been to treatment or been in AA a hundred times. Our job is to meet them where they are and give kindness to them and help carry the message of hope to that still suffering alcoholic. It's that simple. We have to do it without expectation. Doesn't matter. We don't have motives. See our blessings come because we get to stay sober. Alcoholics Anonymous has two authorities. Bill Wilson said. A loving God and John Barleycorn. Those are our two authorities. We either go this way or we go that way and either way the authority is going to take charge. That's why the group conscience and having a being involved in a group to me is so important today. So I can have the checks and balances that I need. I want to share kind of a funny story and I'm going to bring it in for a landing. Bill O. John came to me and I talked to you about these guys lifting me up and they did. I mean they did. They took some junk and they polished it. And John said to me one day Bill is going to be taping a conference in Casper, Wyoming and he'd like you to drive. And I said good. I'd be happy to because I got to drive Big John all over. And I'm figuring out Bill's finally discovered my talent. And John said Bill never let anybody drive for him kid. You're the first one. And I'm thinking he really is discovering my talent. So about five years ago his daughter said oh he let people drive all the time. I said no don't tell me that. It's going to ruin my story. So I was honored. Now Bill didn't really let me drive maybe a little bit but I rode along with him and he was driving. We're going through Denver and it's snowing. And that snow is coming down and I don't know how many of you all knew Bill. See I got a little Texas in me. Bill likes to smoke a pipe. He's lighting his pipe with his one arm. He's driving with his knee. I'm having a new relationship with my higher power. What was so sick about it was he was looking at me the whole time to see my reaction. These guys taught me to laugh. They taught me to smile. I couldn't smile when I came to you. I couldn't smile for years after I came to you. I didn't know how to smile. I practiced. My teeth were so bad I didn't want to smile anyway. But then after a while I could get my teeth fixed. Then I had to practice smiling. I had to practice everything. I had to be reborn in Alcoholics Anonymous because I didn't have any skills. They all came from you. You had to be patient with me and you were. You taught me. You put up with me. You loved me. You encouraged me. Alcoholism kicked my butt. I didn't need anybody telling me what I was doing wrong when I came to AA. I knew what I was doing wrong. Alcohol had taken care of that. I needed to know what was right. That's where AA saved me. They didn't tell me what I was doing wrong. They found what I could do right. They gave that to me. I hope I got that point across today. It's so meaningful to me. It is. It's just so meaningful to me to try to carry that kind of message. To try to. In the doctor's opinion it said that the people getting sober were those experiencing a psychic change. I thought, wow, I want one of them. That sounds cool. It said the only thing necessary to get this psychic change was to be willing to follow a few simple rules. Later in the doctor's opinion it said that the men and women that were getting sober I'm paraphrasing were becoming sold on the ideas contained in the book. I hope this morning if you're new that you've been sold on the ideas contained in the book. I believe that's my responsibility and it's our opportunity. Big John's sponsor was a guy named Dick B. Dick was an old timer and came into AA in Washington I think in 1940. I had the privilege of listening to some of Dick's talks. Dick closed a meeting one day and he said a bell is not a bell until we ring it and a song is not a song until we sing it. Love wasn't putting our hearts to stay. Love is only love when we give it away. In this day Alcoholics Anonymous is only AAC. Give it to me if I'll give it away. Thank you and God bless you.