Doing My Fourth Step 3 Times in Different Ink to Make Sure It Wasn’t a Trick – Nicola K.

Hi, my name is Nic, I'm an alcoholic. And I got sober on 10th of June 1999. That is a long time ago, over 10 years. And I was 26 at the time, I'm now 37. And two days later I was in my first AA meeting. I didn't get into AA meetings and got sober. When I was in my first AA meeting, two days after I was sober, I didn't even know I was an alcoholic. I actually went there to find out what you guys do, so I could tell somebody else how to get sober. And I was very amazed. There was a big crowd here, maybe 300 people, at the Old Town Speaker meeting in San Diego. And people didn't look like alcoholics, I can tell you that. They had suits and, you know, they had a lot of clothes. The women had jewelry, you know. To me, they didn't look like alcoholics at all. None. And they were happy, you know, they were laughing. And I'm thinking, what is so funny about being an alcoholic? Why are they cracking up? And I don't know what happened really. I was sitting there and I was just looking around the room. I didn't pay any attention to anything they said, because I didn't get what they were saying anyway. They were talking steps and traditions and stuff. You know, same readings like here. And I didn't know what that meant. I just looked at people and they looked really good. And they looked like they had fun. They were excited. And then this transvestite gets up and starts telling his story. I'm like, what is going on? And I didn't really listen to it, because people were laughing at the saddest stuff. That person was sharing how he, in the 70s, really freaked out. And, you know, prison and hooker and whatever. And I'm like, why are these people laughing? This is sad, you know? So I totally didn't get the whole concept. And, you know, then he shared that he was lying in the bush. And he was so drunk he couldn't move anymore. And somebody was choking him. And he almost died, you know. And his mind went clear all of a sudden. But he couldn't move because he was so drunk. And I'm thinking, I want to be so drunk. You know? This is what I want. I want to be so fucking hammered. Great! And then the next thought I had was, I shouldn't think this. You know? I should be really, like, concerned about this kind of thinking. You know? Maybe I shouldn't drink for a while. So this is how I really decided to not drink anymore for a while. You know? Just to, you know, don't have thoughts like this anymore, of course. And then I would go on with my life. And what happened is, I expected, you know, when I wouldn't drink anymore, that my life would get better. But instead, it got worse. Much worse. You know? Not maybe on the outside because I had no job anyway. But I felt really, really bad. You know? And my mind started going really, really fast. You know? All of a sudden, I'm thinking and thinking and thinking. And there is no break. You know? I can't get... I can't... I want to drink even more. You know? Now I'm like five days sober. I'm thinking, shit, I should have get hammered before this meeting. You know? I missed two days. If I would have known this, I would have drunk more days. You know? Damn it. So what do you do now? And I'm thinking, you know, I need to figure out what they're doing. How do they stay sober, for God's sake? You know? Because I don't want to be sober. And so I went back to these meetings. And people walked up to me and said, are you new? I'm like, no. You know? I'm just hanging out. You know? I'm not thinking I'm an alcoholic. I just need, you know, to think less and, you know, feel better. So they walked up to me all the time. So I decided not to come early. I come late. You know? Actually, what they did in these meetings I went to, they were going around the room saying, oh, my name is Thomas and I'm an alcoholic. And everybody, hi, Thomas. You know? And then, my name is Betty. And then, I'm like, oh, I'm not drunk. I'm just hanging out. You know? And then, I'm like, oh, I'm not drunk. And then, I'm like, oh, I'm not drunk. I'm just hanging out. You know? Actually, what they did in these meetings I went to, they were going around the room saying, oh, my name is Thomas and I'm an alcoholic. And everybody, hi, Thomas. You know? And then, my name is Betty. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Betty. So what I did, I stayed in the basement and waited until I didn't hear this moaning anymore. You know? So then I knew the meeting had started. I could sneak in and they wouldn't talk to me. And so I have, you know, this basement, I know everything about this. I was in the school there. Pictures of kids and priests. You know? And whatever. I don't know. So I'm going up and then I try to look very intimidating, you know? So they wouldn't call on me. You know? Or I would grab the book from the table. They had always a book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And read really concentrated. You know? So they don't talk to me and don't call on me. Because in these meetings, they were calling on you. You know? I'm like, shit. And so then I left early, of course. You know? Otherwise they come up to you again. And then, you know, introduce themselves. And I didn't want this. I didn't want them to think I'm an alcoholic either. You know? Because I don't know these people. And that was very shameful thing. You know? I didn't want to be an alcoholic. I didn't even know what an alcoholic was. You know? And so at first I needed to decide, like, am I an alcoholic or not? So I started asking people. You know? Like, what makes an alcoholic? And they didn't tell you. You know? They told me all kind of stuff would make them know they're an alcoholic. But not, how would I know that? You know? No. They said, like, I just knew. I'm like, I don't know. So this is not helping. And you could ask everybody. And they never told you you were an alcoholic. You know? They never said, yes, I can see from your behavior or something. They just never said that. You know? They just talked about them. And I thought this was very weird. You know? Now I want to know and nobody is answering me. So one guy said, it's like German soccer championship. You know? If you win the trophy three times, you can keep it. You know? So but I didn't, I never won the trophy. So I just, I'm being there. You know? My mind is going really fast. And I'm freaking out. And I want to drink really bad. Even, you know, more than before. And I'm thinking, maybe I'm, now I'm getting stressed into this. You know? Now I'm, now I'm thinking I'm an alcoholic. Maybe I am an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. What do I do? You know? And then they had the San Diego meeting schedule. You know? Which I brought with me. And they had 20 questions in the front. That was good stuff. Finally, you know? Did you lose time from work to drinking? And I'm like, I have no job. No. You know? Yeah. Did drinking make your home life unhappy? No. You know? I'm happy when I drink. So this makes no sense. Has drinking affected your reputation? Drinking not, but drugs. So alcohol? No. You know? That was easy. So I went through these questions. You know? It said stuff like, did you drink to escape from your problems or worries? Well, sometimes. Okay. One yes. You know? Did you drink alone? Yes. Have you ever had a drink? Yes. Did you drink to get rid of your problems? Yes. Did you drink to get rid of your worries? Yes. Did you drink to get rid of your problems? Yes. Did you drink to get rid of your worries? Yes. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking? Of course. You know, this is why I drink. Yes. You know? Did you have a hard time sleeping because of your drinking? I'm blacking out. No. You know? So when I went through these questions, I thought, well, great. I have only ten. You know? And then it said, if you answered yes to three or more questions, you may be an alcoholic. I'm like, shit. You know? You may be an alcoholic. No, I don't know anyway. You know? I don't know again. So I keep asking people. And I'm sitting in these meetings, and one guy said, you know, non-alcoholics, they don't sit in meetings and wonder if they're alcoholics. And I thought that was a trick question. Because now I'm thinking about it. You know? And, you know, that I don't drink and I don't feel good about it, that could have been a clue, but it didn't hit me. So finally somebody told me and said, you know, if you want to know if you're an alcoholic, just put 30 shots of whiskey and drink one every day. And I didn't need to do that. You know? I knew what would happen. I would have one, and then I would think, you know what? I have two today, and then none tomorrow. Much better idea. And then I would probably take three and say, you know what? This is an even better idea. And I knew for sure, I don't know how many days I would have made it, but not 30 days. That was kind of obvious, even from the, you know, idea. So I kind of said, okay, maybe I am an alcoholic, because this is like an un... I can't do this. I know I can't do this. And you know, normally people can't do this. And I said, okay, I maybe am an alcoholic. So what do I do now? You know? And I asked the guy, like, how do you stay sober? And they're like, we work the steps. Like, what steps? You know? They're in the book. What book? Yeah, the book that's in front. And he had one in his car, in the, what's the name? Glove box. Glove box, genau. And when we went doing errands, you know, every time he'd get out of the car, I'd open the thing, you know, I'd try to find the steps and, you know, figure out what to do. And then he's back, I'm back putting it back in. And I found three and four and five, but I never found one and two. You know, like, what's the problem? I'm not going to find them. I'm going to find them. You know, like, where are they? You know? The book says, now you're at step four, now you're at step three, now you're at step five. But it never says you're at step two and one. And I couldn't find it. And finally, one guy, he gave me a book, you know, because I never would have bought one because then people might think I'm an alcoholic, right? So that guy gave me a book, you know, and he gave me tons of speaker tapes. He gave me 300 speaker tapes he had at home. And I listened to them because they were quite my favorite. I would listen to like 100 speaker tapes all the time, nonstop. I had no job. And, you know, I got answers on these tapes, you know, from people sharing. And I learned stuff. And I just, I could stay a day sober because there was not like 100 voices in my head, just one, you know? So, and then I decided I want to work steps. And I did. And I got tapes of Joe and Charlie and they helped me working the steps and stuff. But at the beginning, you know, it says first step, you know, we're powerless over alcohol. And like, I'm not powerless, you know, but I can't drink anymore. I know that, you know. And then it said your life is unmanageable. I'm like, okay, I agree, you know, because I could not work. I could not even leave the house sometimes. I had fear attacks that, you know, I would just lie on my floor. And go like this and scream. And I had kind of weird hallucinations. I had a dragon sometimes that I saw, a green big one. I remember I'm sitting on the corner on the street with my friends, you know, and they get up behind me and they start talking. And the dragon is right next to them. And I'm thinking, if I tell them, they lock me up, you know? And sometimes I had this bread with sausage on it in my bed. I smelled it, you know. And then I looked for it. But I never eat sausage. There was none. But I smelled it. So I'm, you know, looking through the whole bed. I can't find it. I was just crazy, you know. And I had weird hallucinations seeing stuff. And one time even, you know, I was on the bus stop. And I saw a guy cutting up other people from here with a knife. And all their inside stuff fell on the floor. And I'm thinking, they're not screaming, you know. I don't know if this is really happening. I was really crazy. And I had the number of the local nut ward in my pocket in case things get really tough. And, you know, just decided, let's try to get by every day. You know, it could definitely not work. There was no option. And I lived on social money. And, you know, I was just crazy. And, you know, tried to not drink. So, and then I could say my life was unmanageable, kind of. And I didn't believe in God. So I couldn't say, well, I came to believe that there is a God that would help me. But I thought the steps would maybe help. Because people had told me this over and over. And they seemed to be kind of happy and going, living a good life. So I believed that the steps, you know, would give me back my sanity. And I decided to put my life over to the steps. You know, and do what they do, you know, what they say. No matter if I want to do it or not. Just do it, you know. Because I had no alternative anyway. And that was good enough. Yeah, and then I wanted to do a fourth step. You know, of course, I didn't know how to do it. And I couldn't really understand the book. I was too crazy to read it. So I asked this guy I knew from my hometown. And he said his sponsor had faxed him a list. So we went to his house. And he gave me these fax papers. And these days they were rolled up, remember? And we were trying to figure this out. You know, like how it was working. And I did the list. And this list really amazed me, you know. I put down every... At first, you know, it said, put down everybody you're angry at. I'm like, ah, these five people, no problem. You know, mom, dad, teacher. I don't know. This and this friend, done. Ex-boyfriend. And then I said, yes. Come. Think about it. Think about it. And I sat down and I really tried to feel angry. You know, like I feel angry. I feel angry. And then names came up. You know, oh, yeah, this guy. And this guy. And this guy. And all of a sudden I felt so angry that I wrote for an hour and freaked out. And then I threw the whole thing around the corner. You know, I said, I don't do this shit anymore. This is bullshit. It makes me even feel worse. And my boyfriend at the time, drinking, said, why do you do it? You know, stop doing it. I'm like, no, I can't. You know? I freak out. I need to do this shit. So I waited a week and then I took it back again. And that way it took me eight weeks to do it. And then I put all this, like, my, it affected my, you know, self-esteem and why, what's happened. I don't know how to explain this better than, I filled out the list. And then I look at myself, as it says, you know, have you been dishonest with these people? And to my, you know, very much amazed self, I had stuff done in the past that had led to these happenings. Actually, I've behaved very selfish and dishonest and fearful. And I had expected healthy behavior from sick people and, you know, behaved very sick myself. And that was kind of like a shock to me. Because the whole list said that I had parts in these things. And I'm thinking, this can't be true. So I'm doing it again. You know? I did the whole thing again. I crossed everything, the second cross, different color, to make sure that this is no trick. But there was no different result. So I did this one again. Just to make sure, you know. And by this time, I had more yes. You know? It was bad. So I decided to share this with my spouse. I decided to share this with my sponsor. That was the only guy that was under 30 that, you know, didn't smoke and was 100 in my meeting. And he came up to my house. And he didn't know how to do a fifth step either because he had never done one. And we just sat down and said, come on, let's do this. So I read this stuff to him. And in my mind, it felt like it was, what, like 14 hours or something. As a matter of fact, it was only three hours. And I was just, like, finished. You know? I needed to sleep like a week or something. And I ate three pizzas after the whole event because I was so, you know, my body was just done. And it was a terrible, terrible thing. But what's funny about it, you know, I shared this stuff with him. He was gay, so he didn't care what I did with guys. And I said, you know, I feel really bad. And I said, you know, I feel really bad about this. And he said, yeah, but you're not the only person that wants to do these things. That is typical alcoholic behavior. You know, if you would be the only person that wants to do these things, there would be no law against it. That might sense, you know. He said, you know, if nobody but you would like to do this, they would have no law and you would just go to the nut work. They would put you away because it would be crazy. But this is normal. All the people want to do this. But, you know, and some do this, you know. And they either get caught or not. But, you know, that is normal alcoholic behavior. Okay, done, you know. And I thought, okay, this is it. That guy will never speak to me again ever, you know. He will maybe at the next meeting just say hi and then, you know, turn away and talk to somebody else because he probably, you know, doesn't want nothing to do with me anymore now. So at the next meeting, I just didn't want to do it. I just watched him, you know, very close. Like, did he look different, you know. Maybe he looked but I didn't look, you know. So I'm checking this whole thing out. And he was the same. He's like, see you next week, you know. And he didn't change. And not for weeks. Same thing. So I'm like, okay. He seems, you know, he seems to still talk to me, you know. And I thought. Maybe I'm not that bad. Maybe I'm not the worst person in the world. And maybe I'm okay, you know. That was a very big step for me. And then we had six. And we didn't know what to do because we had no clue. And then I flew back to San Diego and went to a meeting that had topics six and seven. And asked, like, what do I need to do? Please tell me what I need to do. And they said, yeah, you have to make a list with your friends. Your character defects that you found out about. And you would never have, you know, would never exercise those character defects if it wouldn't be something, you know, if you wouldn't be getting something out of this. You're an alcoholic. You always want to get something, you know. So you have a, what is it for, Tyler? Advantage. Advantage of these things. Oh, this is falling down. Jerome, do I need to do something? Help me. So go home and write next to each character defect your advantage that you get from those. Like, okay. So I went back home, you know, lying. I don't need to behave as good as I should. You know, great advantage. You know, and then I said I should write next to this how I could get the same advantage without being a bad person. Without behaving antisocial. So I said, well, you know, not behaving as good as I want to. Maybe I need to change my wants. Yeah, you know. Or I wrote, I steal, you know. Big advantage, money. I like money. And how can I get this in a social way, you know, not antisocial where I could work more. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't expect that, you know. And sometimes it was really hard finding out, like, what to do instead because I had never thought something like this in my life. I had always, like, tried to find the easier, softer way. And so I had this new behavioral list, like, I should work, you know, adjust my attitude and all kind of shit, you know. And then I was supposed to pray. You know. And ask that my character defects would be taken away. And by that time I just said, oh, I can't hurt because there is no God anyway. So I prayed it. And then we were at eight, nine. Great. So what do we do now? And on these tapes I had gotten from my sponsor, they said it's about, you know, putting balance back in life. So if you stole something, you give it back. You know, it's not about saying, I stole something. If you're sorry, it's about giving it back. You know, maybe with interest. I'm like, ew. So I stole a lot, you know. And I have no job. That was bad. Anyway, I had these people. I had, like, over 100 people. And I didn't know what to start with. I didn't even want to go to one of them. I mean, none. And, you know, I made, like, decisions. This is easy. This is easy. This is middle easy. This is never. And I tried to figure out who to go to first. And weeks are going by. I'm not doing shit. You know, feeling worse. Thoughts are coming back. And so I just decided to do it alphabetically. Start at the top. And I went first to a girl that had the initiative of BB, you know. And I met her all of a sudden in the bus. There she is, you know. I didn't know at the time that if you really want to make amends to somebody, they show up in your life. But they will. You know, they show up in the weirdest places. You would never think so. But they do. So she was on the bus. I'm like, hi, good to see you. You wouldn't have thought this. I wanted to call you anyway. Really. You know. Why is that? Yeah, I need to make amends to you. And she's like, really? You know. That excited her. Yeah. And we met up. I said I was sorry for this and this behavior. And she's like, yeah, yeah. And you did this and this and this and this and this. And I'm like, oh, right. Yeah. And you promised me to cook for me when I finished my studies. I'm like, oh, yeah, right. I remember. She said, you can cook for me. And finally keep your promise. I'm like, I do this. So she comes to my house. And we're cooking soup together. I mean, she's sitting there watching me cutting shit, you know. Because she's just enjoying this. Like this. And I'm cooking. And, you know, we're talking. And I made the soup with her. And we ate the soup. And everything kind of, you know, went at peace. And this is how I did my ninth step with everybody. You know, I caught them up. And I tried to set the wrong right and give back the money, you know. For example, the money I stole from the government, you know, that I just, I told them stuff and they gave me money. Germany is very giving. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. And she's like, oh, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. And she's like, oh, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. So I didn't ask them for more money. And just left them the money. Because I couldn't give it back actively. So I gave it back passively. And the last step I took is, you know, you你的行結算行 zu做这个点. And my matter was up to you anybody has it. And regardless of the results I would say to you. And with this, sure. For example, above the rating I was using have registered Sol Ring Rundum in Indonesia. Yeah, N conta. Every day S.K ored 71297 Danes freak hypo sword works So I went tozas-y res Absolutely famous sister you know they have relationship It's cool Bing Recently that didn't happen anytime, don't want to, She said it again from them Yeah, it was a fun time, really. I hated it. I hated it big time. I went to like 10 people, you know, on one weekend, and then I didn't do shit for 20 days because I was exhausted and I hated my life. But what happened is all of a sudden I could go to parts of town that I haven't been in a while because I thought they were ugly or not good anyway or something. Or I would find myself at stores that I haven't been to in a while because I thought they had no good stuff anyway after a stove for years ago. Because my world was getting smaller and smaller when I drank because I had to avoid people and places. And I thought I avoided them because they're all bullshitty assholes, suckers. But the truth was that I was afraid to meet them and it was all hidden behind aggressiveness. Aggressive? Ness? Ness? Yeah. And lies. And I didn't know that, you know. And in the process, I found that out. And all of a sudden, I'm walking through my town, you know, and going, oh, this is kind of a nice area, you know. And I felt better. I didn't notice right away, but I noticed on these things that my life just got bigger, you know. And I even started working. Not every day, of course. But I found a work where I could come twice a week for four hours, you know. And that was all I could do. I worked for four hours and then I went home and slept two more days because I was just done and couldn't really go to work for every day. But it got better. And then I could work every day five hours. And then I could work six hours. And finally, I could work eight hours like a normal person, you know. And this all happened parallel to the process of doing these nine steps. What time is it? Quarter to nine. That doesn't mean how much time I have left? Ten minutes. Great. Because my story is at the end. Yeah. And, you know, it reads that in the book. It says if you are painstaking about this phase of our development, and it says it in step nine, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. And this is exactly... This is exactly what happened to me. Halfway through step nine, I was already amazed, you know, because I started realizing that my misery was partly of my own making. You know, I had thought everybody else... It was everybody else's fault. You know, my parents are crazy and they drink and they hit me and whatever. And school, I know... You know, school. I mean, this sucks. And boyfriends and girlfriends and everybody... It was everybody's fault but mine, of course. And all of a sudden, I find out it's... It's... Kind of my fault. You know, and it gave me... The program gave me a tool to correct these faults. And it gave me power. It gave me power back. Because I felt like this is all happening to me, you know. Like my misery is happening to me and life is after me. Trying to... What's the word? I don't know. But actually, I did all this to myself and I didn't know that. You know. And that gave me hope and power. And that was kind of amazing. Because I didn't expect that, you know. When you have to admit you're an alcoholic, for God's sake. And then, you know, I don't know. And it says, we are going to know new freedom and happiness. And when I was drinking, I woke up in the morning thinking, oh my God, you know. After the blackout, I'm back. 70 more years of this. You know, how can I best kill myself without pain? And I've tried to figure out ways to kill myself every day. You know, I can jump here. I can cut my... But I was always afraid it would hurt me. And if I take pills, you know, maybe I take not enough. And then they wake me up again. Or if I jump down there, maybe I don't land right. And then I will be in the hospital. And, you know, so I wanted to kill myself. But I was too afraid to do it. Because I was scared that something goes wrong. And it would be painful. And after working the steps, you know, I thought, great, a new day. What adventure do we do today? You know. And I didn't know that. And that was freedom and happiness that I didn't have before. Because before, I just tried to survive every day. And be, you know, because of the way I felt. Just be gone most of the time. And not feel anything. It says, you will not regret the past or nor wish to shut the door on it. You know. And today, I don't regret my past anymore. I mean, bad stuff has happened to me. Like probably to everybody else. Even though I feel very special about this. But today I have a feeling that these things that happened to me, you know, brought me closer to my bottom earlier. You know. And I got sober at 26. And that is a good thing. You know, my crazy parents probably contributed. But without them, I might have, you know, drank until 50 or something. And would have missed 25 years of fun. So. So. So, I don't regret it anymore. And I don't wish to shut the door on it either. You will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. Today, I experience peace. Because what I learned in these nine steps is that stuff is happening. You know. You think about these people and they show up. And, you know, meet the right people. And they say the right things. And everything is just like woven together. And today I can see this carpet or whatever it turns out to be. At least, you know. I can see that these things are woven together. And that gives me peace. And when I'm afraid and I don't see the picture anymore, then I try to remember that at least in the past it was that way. You know. And then I kind of expect it to be in the future the same. So, that is a nice state of mind. It reads, no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how experience can benefit others. You know. And this is what happened to me when I do fifth steps. When I do fifth steps with other girls. Because they sit there and they sweat. And they are like afraid. And they jitter. You know. And they think they are the worst girl in the world. And then they come up with their big secret. You know. I'm thinking, you're talking to the right girl. I have some experience on this to share. You know. And it gives me a feeling of usefulness. And that it didn't happen for no reason. You know. I even had a sponsor once that said, I recommend the really fucked up girls. They really fucked up once. I recommend to you. Because I don't have these experiences. That was funny. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. And this is what sponsorship today does. You know. It gives you a feeling of usefulness. Because you sponsor a lot of people. And most of them don't want to work the steps. Because it's really hard work. You know. If you really do them, it's no fun. It's like becoming a karate pro. You know. In the meantime, you really hurt your hand a lot. And the training is not the fun part. You know. So they don't really go through it. But some do. And those few who go through, that's just a blast. To see them become happy. You know. And they're crazy and sad. And they want to kill themselves. And they become seriously and deep happy. That is really fun to watch. You know. And you don't feel useless at all. It says we lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. And self-seeking will slip away. Well, I will not say I'm not selfish. And you all know this would be a lie if I would. But I'm not selfish. But I'm not as self-centered and selfish as I was when I started. You know. Even today, sometimes I call people up when they had surgery and ask them how it went. You know. I would have never done that in the past. Because first, I wouldn't have listened to them when they told me. Second, I wouldn't have remembered. Third, I wouldn't have cared. You know. And of course, I would have never remembered when it was over. You know. Or even cared how they do it. Because that's not my business. And I don't get anything out of this. But today, that's different. Today, I'm really interested. You know. Like, how did it went? You know. And I call them up. And sometimes I'm amazed because I know where I'm coming from. And this is not where I'm coming from. I assure you. So, I'm not Gandhi. You know. But compared to where I came from, I am Gandhi. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. And that's true too. Because my outlook upon life was negative. Because all of my thinking was negative. All my experience with life was negative. And this is not how it is today. You know. When you had my feelings before I worked the steps, you would have wanted to drink too. You know. I remember sitting at a meeting, or after a meeting, we were sitting together having coffee. And somebody asked me how I'm doing. So, I'm telling them. You know. I'm like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And then I said to him, what would you do if you would have my problems? And he said, I would drink. You know. And I say, see. You know. This is what I think. Yeah. I want to drink too. But this is not how I live today. Today I enjoy my life. And even if bad stuff happens, like a year ago, I couldn't walk. I'm not discouraged. You know. I would just, I mean, sometimes, you know, I'm lying in the bathtub crying, but that's like ten minutes. And then I'm looking at the positive side and think, okay, I can't walk. Great. My spondyceps can all come over. I have two girls. We need to do a fifth step. Great timing. You know. Come on over. You know. So I'm just using the things different and play different, play the ball different. You know. Before I would just say, oh, poor me. And it's all so bad. And this is not how I live my life today. This is very different from how I live my life today. And then it says at the ninth step still, right, the promises. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. And I had experience in this while I was visiting my dad as one of my nuns. And I was like, oh, I'm going to be a nun. I'm going to be a nun. I'm going to be a nun. I'm going to be a nun. I'm going to be a nun. I'm going to be a nun. I'm going to be a nun. I'm going to be a nun. It's like this math. I used to be told that you're going to be a ukulele while you're there, so you have to get on from there. But it created insith. So if you said this to parlilly nine times, that behavior is just completely different from thehaus. You just have to create different concepts from theus. You know. They told me now. You say we are actually born here with our own gifts. It shouldn't have any conflict. It should just be organized so that it belongs to us. Yeah. You know. And one of the things we did was we decided to sing together. It was not forNEHA. It was for Podla. But it was for you. Yeah, it wasn't forPnr. And I wanted to invite a little one. week because in TV they always complain and say you never visit us you know so I decided that's probably what they want and I tried to visit my dad every week and once I couldn't make it I came after three weeks and the elevator door slides up and I'm in the apartment my dad because it's door goes into the apartment and it goes up and he screams at me you know you haven't been here for three weeks first my first reaction was fuck you I'm out of here you know I don't want to be here anyway but for some reason I thought what he meant and he actually meant he you know I wasn't there and he kind of had missed me or something you know he had this weird way of telling me of course and we can all say if it's appropriate or not but it was the best he could do and so I said I missed you too dad you know I'm thinking what am I doing here and then he looked at me like stunned and said yeah me too you know so that was not a thought that was more an intuition and this is how my intuition has changed kind of it was it was a good example of that so it reads we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves and I assure you I would have never been able to do this by myself for myself you know first I would have never believed this is what I get when I worked these steps never you know because these steps had nothing to do with how I felt on my life I thought and today I enjoy life and there was a feeling I never even knew even before I was drinking you know even as a kid I didn't enjoy my life I mean I had fun more fun then my parent's thought I should have but I didn't enjoy my life that's a very different thing from having my partner thing from having a good night being drunk someplace. And today I enjoy my life and this has changed has not been brought to myself by myself. You know it has has been more like a gift that something I got from doing something I didn't think would have anything to do with it and there is the gift you know. Great thanks so and then it reads are these extra grand promises and what do we think about this? We think not you know because we know they're fulfilled among us and people who have worked the steps know what I'm talking about and they will tell you the same things. So if you're wondering if you're an alcoholic this is no problem just keep coming back you know try to drink 30 shots of whiskey in 30 days. And maybe you'll find something here that you didn't expect. Thank you.