Doing My Fourth Step 3 Times in Different Ink to Make Sure It Wasn’t a Trick – Nicola K.

About This Speaker Tape

Nic got sober on June 10, 1999, at age 26, after stumbling into an AA meeting in San Diego not even knowing she was an alcoholic. She had gone to the Old Town Speaker meeting — a crowd of 300 — to figure out how to tell someone else how to get sober. Instead, she found herself baffled by people in suits laughing at terrible stories, and secretly envious of a speaker who described being too drunk to move. Within days of not drinking, her mind raced uncontrollably, she craved alcohol more than ever, and she began sneaking into meetings late and leaving early to avoid being talked to or identified as one of them.

Her path to accepting she was an alcoholic was slow and comic. She went through a 20-question checklist and scored ten yeses but still was not convinced. A fellow told her non-alcoholics do not sit in meetings wondering if they are alcoholics. Another suggested the 30-shots-of-whiskey-in-30-days test, and she instantly knew she would drink them all in the first week. She could not find Steps One and Two in the Big Book for weeks, searching her sponsor's glove box in secret because buying her own book would mean admitting she had a problem.

Her Fourth Step inventory was an eight-week ordeal — she threw it across the room after the first hour and did not touch it for a week. When she finally shared it in a Fifth Step with her gay sponsor, she braced for rejection that never came. He told her that her worst secrets were just typical alcoholic behavior. Her Ninth Step amends opened up parts of her city she had been avoiding for years, and she slowly rebuilt a life — going from working four hours twice a week to holding a full-time job. Halfway through Step Nine, the Promises started coming true without her noticing at first.

Today Nic sponsors women, does Fifth Steps with them, and finds purpose in watching the most desperate cases get happy. She describes a moment visiting her elderly father when, instead of storming out after he screamed at her for not visiting, she intuitively said "I missed you too, Dad" — and he softened. She closes by saying she never expected working the steps would give her something she had never known, even before drinking: genuine enjoyment of life.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Nic introduces herself — sober since June 1999 at age 26, first meeting in San Diego two days after quitting
• 2:00 First meeting at Old Town Speaker meeting — 300 happy people in suits, baffled by laughter at sad stories
• 5:00 Transvestite speaker shares war story — Nic hears about nearly dying drunk in a bush and thinks she wants to be that hammered
• 8:00 Sneaking into meetings late, hiding in the basement, grabbing the Big Book to look busy and avoid being called on
• 12:00 The 20-question checklist — scores ten yeses but still not convinced, told non-alcoholics do not sit in meetings wondering
• 17:00 The 30-shots test and secretly searching the glove box for Steps One and Two — accepts she is probably an alcoholic
• 22:00 Hallucinations, fear attacks, and daily suicidal thoughts — carrying the number of the local psychiatric ward in her pocket
• 28:00 Fourth Step inventory — eight weeks of agony, threw it across the room, did it three times in different colors to make sure it was not a trick
• 35:00 Fifth Step with gay sponsor who normalizes her worst secrets — Ninth Step amends open up parts of town she had been avoiding for years
• 42:00 The Promises coming true — visiting her father, intuitively saying I missed you too instead of storming out, enjoying life for the first time ever