‘Do You Want Temporary Sobriety?’ Is the Question That Got Me a Permanent Sponsor – Meredith M.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Karen and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the Napa Club, where members of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more sobriety tell his or her story. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. Tonight's speaker is an amazingly powerful woman in AA. And I say that with all the love of my heart. Not power because she's the president of any group or anything like that, but she has what so many of us want. And it's such a pleasure to be able to introduce to you all tonight. And I'm going to blow it because I have to say your name without saying your last name. Meredith. Let me see. Oh, my gosh. I want to thank Jim for inviting me here. And I want to thank my readers, my speed readers. I ask them to close back if you can because I need time. I'm sure you can hear me. Okay. My name is Meredith McCabe and I'm an alcoholic. And it's a privilege to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous. The program outlined in the textbook of Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. And the fellowship. It keeps me grounded and keeps me on a very meaningful and fruitful path. So if I can help, I'd like to be there. And I always pray that I just reach the one who's still suffering. And I get nervous. I used to get nervous when I first woke up in the morning and just freaked out all day about speaking. And now I don't worry that much. It hit me at 10 of 8. And I'll settle down here in just a minute. All right. So my sobriety date is May 30th. 1998. My home group is, it's in the book. We meet on Saturday mornings and Sunday nights at 8111. I have a sponsor. My sponsor has a sponsor. And I sponsor others. And I love that feeling of just being a link in the chain. You know, it's just really cool. All right. So what I was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I didn't start drinking until I was 10. It was Thanksgiving. I'd already had plenty of cherries in Manhattans that my parents had. Their cocktail parties looked like something out of Mad Men. It was just like that. And they'd have cocktail parties in the adult area. And I'd have to be upstairs with my other four brothers and sisters. There would be a fifth. There's six altogether. But for the most part, there were four, five of us. And I'd have to go to the children's area. And I knew that's not where it was at. I mean, I'd hear the laughter and the tinkling of the glasses and the smoke and everything. I was like, the party is downstairs. And I'd always... I always loved alcohol. I loved the smell of it. When my father kissed me goodnight, I loved the smell of sherry. I loved those bourbon-soaked cherries. And on that Thanksgiving, when Grandma said, Oh, Rod, let the kids have a little champagne. What did it hurt? And we had these beautiful little glasses. And they're about an ounce. And I drank mine. And my brother ate his, so I drank his. And then I drank my sister's. And I had about four ounces of champagne. And it went right down my throat. It came. Boom. You know? And it tingled. And my face got red. And my ears got red. And I just loved it. It felt magical. And it was an interesting day. Because I played piano for my Aunt Ginger. And I hate playing the piano. I did somersaults. I did all kinds of stuff. I was very showy often. And I found that I got a lot of attention when I did that. So that's kind of stuck with me for a while. But then I remember I suddenly needed a nap. And then I woke up from the nap. And I had a terrible, terrible headache. But I also remember going to school and telling my friends, Oh my gosh, we had champagne at Thanksgiving. And I can't wait until Christmas because we have champagne at Christmas too at my house. And I meant it. And you know, up until then, all I really wanted for Christmas was this snuggle bun dolly. I just wanted this snuggle bun. But now I'm thinking about the champagne. And it was kind of neck and neck all the way to Christmas. You know, the book talks about if we're alcoholic, we have an obsession of the mind. And an obsession is something. It's a persistent and often unreasonable idea that cannot be put out of the mind. And it was obviously I didn't obsess at the age of 10, but it was there. I never forgot that feeling. And it also says that if we are alcoholic, we have this physical allergy. So that once we drink, we have little control over the amount we take. And unfortunately for me, I was to learn that I was pretty much alcoholic out of the gate. I, the first time I had a chance to really do any drinking on a regular basis, I was 14. And I grew up in a very small town. Well, actually, I moved to a very small town. I was from the suburbs of New York City. And we moved to a very small town in the Adirondacks where there were only 23 people in my high school class. So I was like, you know, in every club and I was president of everything I get my hands on. And, you know, I had to be very involved. I liked all that. And but I felt like an outsider. You know, everybody up there had one of like three last names. And if you didn't have one of those, you're like out, you know. And. So I didn't really feel like I fit in. And I don't know where that comes from, but they say a lot of us feel that way. And I was well liked. I mean, that came from me because people liked me, but I just didn't feel like it. Anyway, so I got a chance to start drinking. The cool kids, you know, met on the corner. You know, Bill's story. I discovered liquor in the midst of excitement. And that was the blinking traffic light, you know, in a town of like 1200 people. And, you know, someone 18 years old would go buy a bottle of Boone's Farm and I drink half of it. And I'd save the other half. For the next night, it was just right until I decided maybe a little more would be better. And so I drank a whole bottle of apple wine and then vomited all over Jerry Rosenbaum's car. And I remember having just the worst headache the next day. And all I could think of was, well, I'm just not going to drink that much. And it didn't occur to me that I was going to stop or anything. I blacked out when I was 16. And I remember I drank a whole bunch of screwdrivers and threw up a bunch of potato chips. I remember that. And then the next morning, my best friend, Midge. She said, I am never drinking again. She was dry heaving on her front lawn. And I was just like, well, I'm just never having screwdrivers again. I mean, seriously. So I didn't know that. But what I know now is that's, you know, I'm an alcoholic. I like the way it makes me feel. And I don't learn from one consequence or two consequences. I need pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization in spades. Right? So I drank, you know, alcoholically from get-go. And I always, I found that pretty soon I was doing things when I got drunk that I was ashamed of. You know, I was a high honor student in school. And I was in the student council. And I was a cheerleader, mostly so I could bike a player's bus. But that's just me. But I also, then on weekends, would drink too much and do things I was ashamed of. And then I'd go back to school on Monday and spend all my time trying to overcome that. And try to win people back. So I was leading that double life very early on. I was a good student. And I was a good daughter. I was the oldest. I made lunches. I vacuumed. I did all that. My parents split up. And I hit the streets. And on the weekends, I drank too much and did stuff I wish I hadn't done. And every time I'd say, it's going to be different next time. It's going to be different next time. And it wasn't. And it was like that for a long time. And, you know, I don't think that, I know now that alcoholism is not a disease of character. But it's certainly affected my character. You know, and it robbed me of my own self-worth little by little. You know. And I moved, I went to college. I went to a women's college. Because the combination of alcohol and boys seemed to be bad for me. So I went to my high school boyfriend and I talked about it. And he said, maybe you can go to a women's college and that might help. I mean, some kind of external control on me, you know. But I soon found, you know, townies and foosball. And the game was on again, you know. And it seemed like every time I really kind of run my course, wherever I was, it was time to move on. I graduated college. I went in there as a nursing. And I came out with a self-initiated major in drama and literature. Which doesn't really buy potatoes. And, you know, self-initiated anything at this point is probably not a good idea. You know, so I came back and I started getting a job, third shift in a diner. After I graduated magna cum laude from this college. And I have truckers calling me their little tomato. And my mom was sad about that. And I, you know, I didn't, that really wasn't where I expected I'd end up. So again, I'm. Not living up to the idea I had for myself. You know, I wanted, I thought I was going to be like this, but I ended up over here. And with every one of those things, it takes its toll. And I'd want to be different. I wish I could be different, but it just kind of ended the same. But I was a survivor, surviving my own self-sabotage pretty much. And I managed to, you know, get, get good jobs like waitressing and bartending. Bartenders and drug dealers were my heroes. You know, those guys had all the money and all the people. All the connections. And so my goal was to be head bartender. And by golly, I got there and then I got fired from that. And I worked my way down to the local gin mill in a tourist town where I earned the nickname Nightmare. And that's because, because when I drink, I'm happy for a while. But chances are, at some point I'm going to turn the corner and I'm going to, you know, not, I might say something I don't like to hear. The next day I wondered what I said. And I wonder why you're not talking to me. But I turned the corner because of all this bitterness I have toward myself and all this resentment and all this built up. So that's kind of how it went. I mean, that was ad infinitum. That was my life. I decided that I came down to Georgia in the 80s to visit my sister. There's a, there's a line about my sister in the big book. It says people of faith have a logical idea of what life is all about. And that was my sister and her family. And I come down and visit them and they live in the mountains. And they live in the mountains. And we drink sweet tea and we have big suppers and we play with the kids. And I'd go jogging and I wouldn't smoke and things would be great for a week. You know, then I'd go back to my life and I would get right back to it. Even though I'd swear, I'm going to change. It's going to be different. You know, that Monday morning, now I'm going to, it's going to be different this time. And I kept ending up in the same place. One of my favorite musicians who just died, David Bowie, he said, I'm always crashing in the same car. You know, and that's what it was for me. So anyway, so I decided, you know, moving to Georgia. Georgia was the answer. You know, the problem is where I'm living. And I need to live closer to my sister. And maybe some of this will rub off and I'll just learn how to live a better life. And all went well for a time until I got a waitressing job near the perimeter area and an apartment right near the local bar. Which has since gone out of business. And I wonder if Whiskers went out of business because I stopped drinking. But I just took up residence there. And, you know, I would tell you that I didn't drink alone. Because I drank among myself. But I would come in after work. And I'd be, you know, I'd say I'm not going to go in after work. But I'd get to that exit and doesn't my car go that way? And I'd join the folks in the bar. And I'd sit close to the service bar so I could at least see the action and pretend I'm engaged with something. And have a couple of stiff vodka. And I'd get that. And now I can talk to you. And hopefully I won't turn on you. But if I'm there long enough, I probably will. And that went on ad infinitum for ten years. And my last two friends when I was drinking were Pizza Sam and Toothless Joey. And that really, too, wasn't the way I pictured myself. I have some lovely, beautiful friends today. And they're not these. My friend Sam is still friends with me on Facebook. And he's still one angry drinking guy. You know, and I just, you know, send him messages with love. I started to suspect, obviously, that I really had a problem. My mother was alcoholic. I had a cousin who I lived with in the 80s. And she partied like me. And one day I was sitting in my underground apartment. The last two places I lived were subterranean. And I didn't, I don't think I did that intentionally. But I wasn't living in the light of day anymore. And I remember when I was really sick and really remorseful about whatever occurred the night before. I would scurry to McDonald's. And I would scurry home. And I'd scurry to Kroger. You know, I didn't want anybody to see me. I couldn't wait to just get back home and try to get regrouped enough to get back out there and go to work. And as a manager, you know, I kept succeeding in my job. I held it together. But I pretty much ruled through intimidation. You know, my best defense was an offense. And it was in the 30s. All right. So, anyway, so my cousin sends me a pamphlet. This crazy cousin who drank like me, lived like me, and had been in therapy since she was like four. And she sends me this pamphlet one day. And I open it up. And it has a sticky note on it. And it's the pamphlet, Letter to a Woman Alcoholic, that is now called AA for the Woman. And she just had a sticky note. It's saying, I love you a lot. I just wanted you to have this. I know we are a lot alike. I just got one year sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I started reading that pamphlet. And before I was done with the first page, I was in tears because it spoke to me. And it's interesting that to this day, it's the literature that really speaks to me. Even the forewords. You know, the foreword to the third edition says it's the program that is the same everywhere we go. The fellowship means it's the program. The foreword to the fourth edition talks about the literature. And they rephrase big book like in 12 different ways on a page and a half. It's all about the big book. And that's where the integrity of the message is. And I didn't know anything about that. But that literature had, you know, it got my attention. So I set off on Meredith's program of action, which is go straight to work, drink a lot of tomato juice. I don't know why my dad did that when he was hungover. So I just picked that up as a little trick. And I go to Blockbuster. And it's going home. And I wouldn't answer the phone. And for 23 days of that, I was happy, joyous, and free. Couldn't go out. Couldn't answer the phone. Hated my life. You know? But I was not drinking. And I remember telling the controller at work. I said, I'm going to AA. And she's like, that's great. You know? Nobody was like, really? Why? You know? But I wasn't. But I was no more in AA than I was in the Boy Scouts. I was going to meetings. I was going to this one they have at 10 o'clock at night. In the door. In the dark. And I'd go late. And I'd run to the back. And I'd run the gauntlet. And I'd sit in the back and listen to topics. And, you know, they were really crazy topics. And I felt like I could weigh in on some of them. You know? But I really didn't know what was going on. And I read the steps. And I honestly thought that steps were for the people that didn't have the cars and the jobs and the wives. Those are good. That's a good idea right there. But I really just thought going to meetings was going to be good. And I lasted about 90 days. And I went. I went back out. And, you know, for me, step two was, you know, coming to AA. I mean, I knew I was proud to sell Radval because I could not stop drinking when I wanted to. And I couldn't stay stopped. And there's a definition in the book that says, This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it. It's this utter inability to leave it alone no matter how great the necessity or the wish. And I started having a wish when I was 16 and showing up in the back of muscle cars every time you turn around. And by the time I got into college. And I ended up with a self-initiated major that I couldn't do anything with. And then just hating myself and my life. And missing all the milestones I thought I was going to make. So anyway. So I came to AA. So I knew that. I mean, I already knew I was powerless. That I couldn't do it. And I came to AA. And to me, that's a step two action, you know. You know, and getting a sponsor. You know, if I come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I didn't have a problem with the insanity piece. Because as I tried to stop drinking in the last. Five or six years of my life. I would recall an incident that would make me feel remorseful. Or it would flash through my mind. And then the next thought was slitting my wrists. Or putting a gun in my mouth. I could taste the metal. And that was not the way I thought as a person. I knew that. I didn't have those thoughts a few years back. These were obsessive thoughts. So when I learned about the obsession later about alcohol. I got it. Because these thoughts about wanting just to kill myself and end it. Were coming uninvited. Countless. Countless. Countless. Daily. I was in such mental torture. And so when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know until I started listening to this one woman. Who every time she shared. She shared for like an hour. And she would talk about how she self-diagnosed. And she'd gotten into this book. And she had to diagnose herself according to what this said. And if she was what this said. Then the answer would work for her. And every time she talked. I'd be like, yeah. That's it. That's it. I didn't know what it was. I know now what it was. She had a power. She had power. And she had confidence that she had overcome this. She had overcome this. She wasn't eking it out one day at a time. I'll wear it because she didn't drink today. She had overcome something. And that was interesting to me. The doctor's opinion says. The message that can interest and hold us must have depth and weight. And that. Her message had depth and weight. So much so that I was too afraid to ask her to sponsor me. It took like three times. And when I finally asked her to be my sponsor. Oh my gosh. I went up to her. And I said. Will you be my temporary sponsor? And she said. Do you want temporary sobriety? I'm like. I don't know. I didn't know I could have permanent sobriety. And she pulled out her book. She said. Right here. Page 15. Vital to. No. Here. Oh, I can't remember. It's not 15. It's a little bit close though. And it says something like. Strenuous work when alcoholic with another is vital to permanent recovery. I'm like. Oh my gosh. I didn't know it could be permanent. I mean. No way. I was like. Wow. And then she said. Have you been sober before? I said. Yes. I had 90 days. And I chose to drink again. She said. Really? You chose to drink again? I said. Well. That's right here. She said. Says right here. In italics. We alcoholics have lost the power of choice in drink. I mean. You know. At certain times. We have no effective mental defense against the first drink. Can't remember the pain and suffering of a week or a month ago. And I was thinking. Can I please change my answer? Because. Until I realized that was true. I can't tell you how many Sunday nights. Because. As classless as I was. I was going to a bar. I was going to a bar where. At least I could be like Bella the Bar. You know. And. But even I had a rule. You don't go out drinking on a Sunday night. A respectable woman. Who's a general manager. In a nice restaurant. Doesn't go out drinking on a Sunday night. And yet. I'd be pulling in there in tears. Because I could not not go. And. So I knew I was drinking against my will. So she had me at my interest. Right at snap. And then I said. So we'd be much funnier. She said. Yes. And here's what I want you to do. I'm like. Wow. I don't even know her. But she said. I don't even know her. Do you have a big book? I said yes. I had it 13 years ago. I had it. I had it for 13 years. And just carried it around. You know. Not like literally. But from house to house. That I moved to. My big book was always there. By the time I found the crack. It smelled like mildew. So anyway. So I asked her. You know. So she started putting me through these actions. And you know. And how it works is. If you are willing to. If you want. We have. And are willing to go to any length to get it. Then you're ready to take certain steps. Well. I didn't know that. I was just following her direction. And actually. I was feeling better. You know. I was pissed off at the same time. I like. I have to go to certain meetings. I have to call her early. I have to clean out cigarettes. And I don't even smoke anymore. And coffee cups. And all that stuff. And say hello to two women. And remember their names. I'm like. Oh my gosh. I'm in the weeds. You know. I had to write this stuff down. I was managing a restaurant. And I still needed to make a list of the stuff I had to do in AA. I got this girl. She's got four days right now. She came to the meeting on Saturday morning. She's like. I'm not a bad morning. Because I had to do chores. I had to read. I had to call you. I was like. No. My sponsor told me. No sharing in meetings. I want you to listen to learn. And learn to listen. I went to a women's meeting. And they were all complaining about their sponsors. I'm like. I can't even share about my sponsor. But you know. She told me. The most spiritual thing I could ever do. Is hold my tongue. And I got to tell you. How that's. That's really paid off for me. Okay. So then finally. After she puts me through these paces. And I'm. I don't know. When am I going to work the dance. You know. She says. Okay. Saturday morning. Come to my house. Bring enough food. To last all day. Because I know you're diabetic. And I don't want you passing out on me. And she said. And bring your big book. And I'm like. Okay. But I don't know where she lives. There's no Google Maps. I don't know how early I have to get up. To get over there. I mean. I was just. But I made it. And so I go in her house. And she goes. You know why you're here. And I said. We're going to work some steps. And she said. I'm going to take you through the steps. Of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm like. All of them. She said. Half measures. There was nothing. You know. She's all excited. So you know. Step three. You know. We said a prayer on step one. She said. You've already arrived at step three. You've already admitted your power is over. Alcohol and all of your life is unmanageable. Because I'm managing you. And I'm like. Oh yeah. No wonder I'm so pissed off. You know. And then came to believe. That a power greater than myself. I believed that too. Because I was coming to these meetings. And I knew there was something here. And between the time. I asked her to be my sponsor. And the time I took the steps. I took a road trip. Up to New York. And I counted church people. All the way up. And I counted church people. Through the Shenandoah Valley. I've never done that. I mean. There was something. As soon as I was willing. To start going down that path. God started showing up. And I had such a peace. About looking at all these steeples. It was just like. All these steeples. Can all these steeples be rolled? You know. And it really. It started to move in me. And. That's why the third step promises are my favorite. It says. Being all powerful. He provided. What we needed. As long as we. You know. Stay close to him. And performed his work well. So. Third step. Made a decision. And a prayer. That was it. We got down on our knees. She said the third step's rare. I was looking over at her. She was completely hooked up. I was not so much. But I was just copying what she was doing. And the book says. You know. Once we've done this stuff. Sometimes a great effect is felt at once. And. A friend of mine in AA said. And sometimes not. And that was my experience. I didn't really feel anything. But for me it was a decision to do four. And she had assigned pages one through fifty seven to me. For all those days. Up until that day. So from the day I asked her to be my sponsor. Until three months later. I read. From the blank page to fifty seven. Over and over and over again. And I knew. That the answer was the searching of fearless moral inventory. And that God is on the inside. And that was a tremendous fact for me. Because I didn't know that. I looked for God on top of mountains. I looked for God. You know. Along the rivers. I looked for God in those muscle cars. And the only place I found him. Was deep within. And it says. In the last analysis. It is only there that he may be found. It's an analysis. It's an analysis. It's an analysis. It's an analysis. It's not just me sitting around. Thinking about. Gee. Let's see. I'm kind of rotten. I stole a little bit. It's an analysis. And it was pen to paper. And. I love how there's a line that says. However you approach God. Really doesn't make a difference to us. That's a matter for you to decide. Which tells me. At some point. People start arguing about format. You know. How many columns are there? That's a good. That's a good topic. Right there. I didn't use columns. My sponsor. Got cards. Passed down from the home brewmeister. Through my family. Through my family. Through my family. Through my family. And. They. There were questions I had to answer. And they were very provocative. And they helped. And they were about the same things. Resentments. And fears. And harms. But it was just a different way to do it. And it kept catching me up. Do you have any secret you want to add there? And then another question. You know. Three questions later. How about a secret? You know. Because they read those secrets. You know. Um. And when I was done. Writing. She gave me her fist up. And then. That made it easier. Because I didn't realize I was so terrible. And then I. Gave my fist up. And. I'll tell you. The relief I felt. People say it's a spiritual experience. I don't know. But I just know. I've never done anything that thorough. Or that honest. And that's what it says. The qualifications of the fourth step is. Thoroughness and honesty. It doesn't really matter about format. It's really. This whole process. Is. Is to introduce us to 10, 11, and 12. As a lifetime practice. So this is just showing me. In a long version. How to do it. You know. A hundred forms of fear. Self-seeking. Self-pity. Just honesty. And it's the root of our trouble. Which is. The problem. The part where something begins. Is my self-centeredness. So. And I look at that. And it was cool about. After doing four and five. When she saw my paper. She goes. So. That's the result of your will. And your life. How do you like it? I'm like. I've been crying for like hours. And. She said. Well now. Are you ready to get rid of it? Yes I am. Well there's step six. Step six for me. Was a landing place. After doing four and five. Yes I was ready. And then I have to humbly ask God. To remove my doubt. I just discovered this word. Like recently in this book. I have to. He's only. I have to. Acknowledge. The defects I find objectionable. You know. There was some things. I don't like to swear. I'm just going to say it. I like the F-bomb. And. So when I first got sober. I didn't object to that. You know. I didn't really have much of an objection to that. But. As I got more sober. And I would hear other people use that. Gee. I do that a lot. And I don't like when they do it. So I have to. I had to admit. I swear too much. I write it down. I humbly. Which means on my knees. That's what Bill intended. And that changes the relationship. A good bit. And then suddenly. People are saying. Boy you swear a lot. You know. Suddenly when I'm ready to admit it. I get all this influence saying. You know. Confirming. Yep. You do. You're on the right track. You know. Defects. A car that has a defect. It gets recalled. And it's missing a part. To make it complete. If I'm. If I am born. Born with defects. And I was created by God. There must have been a reason for that. And I think the reason is. So I have a need for him. So that. My defects are not always removed. Forever. They'll come back. If I don't continue to mind this. And humbly have to remove. And then I can maybe progress. And all of it. Is in the name of. Being an instrument of God's peace. Because that's where I get peace. But I think that my impatience. Or my intolerance. Or my unkindness. Or my sarcasm. Oh. We looked up sarcasm last night. The big book study. Because everybody thinks. That sarcasm is funny. Look it up. You know. It talks about bitter. And cutting. And derision. And I'm like. Funny isn't it? You know. But it took me. You know. Twelve years. In sobriety. To realize. That I'm a smart aleck. And I'm not really nice. When I do it. I'm really trying to cut you down. It's not funny. But it wasn't. I didn't get to that. Until I was ready to get to that. And I love that. It's a path. When I. When we. When I did my fifth step. My sponsor. Made my eighth step list. And the book says. We made it. When we took inventory. By the time. I was done talking to her. She had a list of people. And I thought. When am I going to go to Charlie? She said. You're leaving him alone. So I wasn't going to. That was a lifetime. I meant. You know. Charlie's safe. There in Vermont. But. We started with the easiest one. And then we went to the more difficult. And the more difficult. And that's where. I really started walking with God. Because I had to pray. I had to follow the directions. And I had to go on my own. And. When I look the people in the eye. That I hurt the most. My shame starts to fall away. And the forgiveness comes. And then. I can be. More effective. And I'm not. Isolating so much. And I'm not hiding so much. And I'm not scurrying anymore. And somehow. I feel a part of you finally. You know. Working these steps. Made me feel like. I got the secret handshake. You know. You know. I've never written cards. And it's a good thing. Because I can't keep these steps. In order to save my life. After that. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Humbly ass. Great. All right. What I love about the nine step amends. There's great reading. It's like eight pages. But there's some little lines that I love. One of them is. No matter. No matter what the situation. We usually have to do something about it. And I love that. Because. That says. I can take. And it also says. That we must take the lead. In this long period of reconstruction. I love that. Because. That. I don't have to wait until. Well they hurt my feelings. And they better come and tell me. They're sorry. Or I'm not talking to them. If I want peace. And I want to forgive. And be forgiven. Then. I can take the lead on that. I can go. This happened last week at the office. There's a guy. He's out of sorts. He's just plain out of sorts. But when he starts to take it out on me. For no reason. I just let it. I just sat there for a minute. And then I just went. So I upset you about something. I'd feel terrible if I upset you about something. So don't know. You'd know it if you did. So I knew it was just him being a jerk. You know. At least it wasn't me. And I was fine with that. I was good. So. What I like about the amends. And the way we did it was. The first one. I had one week to do it. And then the next one. And then the next one. And what that has taught me over time is. There's a sense of urgency about making things right. Not just so that people aren't walking around with hurt feelings. But so that I can shed that. And have peace again. So. I didn't know it then. I know that now. Having practiced this. Step ten. This is the tricky one. It says in the book. We vigorously commence this way of living. As we clean up the past. And the way of living. Is to continue to look for fear. Resentment. Self-centeredness. Dishonesty. And self-speaking. And when these crop up. Ask God at once to remove them. Make amends if we need to. Discuss them with someone. Who may not be affected. Sponsor. And then turn my thoughts to someone I can help. Now. I was introduced to doing a written ten step. Which is actually in the eleven step reading. And so for years. There's another good meeting topic. Where is that at? You know. But. This past summer. I. There was a woman at our big book study. Who was here from Australia. For the international. And she had 26 years sober. And she had a whole new take on the ten step. The written part on eleven. Which I did every night. Which helps me look. You know. Step ten says. Continue to take personal inventory. Inventory is a list. There is no such thing as a list. That isn't on paper. You know. But. I don't think that we have to do that forever. I think that we get in the habit of looking at those things. So that we can get better at the spot check. Which is on 84. So I think. I think the eleven step reading. Is really about. How well did you do. What was on the page before. You know. So. It's an amazing program. And that's the other piece of it. I really have to apply it. You know. You wonder. Is there. What kind of spirituality is there. In making lists. And all that stuff. But. That's what it took for me to. See where I wanted to go. See where I was. And where I wanted to go. And I was one of those people. That was mentioned in the doctor's opinion. That I wanted to recreate my life. There was no point. There was no part of my life. That was really much good. I had some moments. And people would. You know. You know. Hopefully await the day. I roused myself from my lethargy. But I always fell back. You know. I always fell back. And no one was more disappointed. Than I was. Step eleven. Okay. Humbly. On my knees. My sponsor told me. That I. From the very beginning. When we. She gave me those little lists of directions. On what I should do. What time is it? Is it quarter of? Okay. Okay. She said. I want you to pray on your knees. Morning and night. And I was raised in a religious upbringing. But that made me feel awkward. Awkward. But then I had to think. Well. So it's just roping and whiskers. So. I guess I could. You know. I guess I could. Pray on my knees and try. And she said. Keep it simple. You know. Help me in the morning. And thank you at night. You know. Help me in the morning. And thank you at night. Over time. When I first. After I first took the steps. I said the third step prayer a lot. Change the these and the thous to you and yours. So it didn't sound so churchy. You know. But that's the one I said. Relieve my difficulties. Let me. You know. Let victory over them be. You know. Evidence to you. Of God's power. And. And then. As I have progressed in sobriety. I've prayed to be an instrument of God's peace. And. I went through a big. Work crisis. About seven years ago. Where I had to decide if I was going to stay or go. And. I decided to go. And then I got really depressed and frightened. And. Wasn't sure how things were going to go. I didn't have any. Any fear of financial insecurity. On my first four step. Because I had plenty of money. Just never came up. But things changed. And I. It took me to a whole new level. Of dependence on God. And. Having to slowly. Make choices about things I'm going to give up. And things I'm going to keep. Really started to underscore what was important. And. It brought me to. It brought me to a place where I could be more kind. And more loving. And more tolerant. On that journey. I met someone who was a chronic relapse. And. Had survived cancer. And was trying to get his life together. And. His wife had left him with his son at two and a half years old. And moved across the country. Because he wouldn't stop putting him in a car. When he was all wasted on morphine. And. It was a long. Journey back for him. But he. He followed the program the same way I followed it. And we became friends. And. We took this journey. Through a time when both of us had. Literally not much. And. It was. It was amazing. I had always. You know. Put the cart before the horse. In relationships. And it was the first time I'd ever really decided. I learned what sacrificial love was about. And I learned it by sponsoring women. You know. Moving a girl. From Jacksonville Beach. On July 4th weekend. You know. Taking someone through the steps on Super Bowl Sunday. I didn't even know I did that. A girl reminded me of that the other day. But it. It changed me. And I began to want more for someone else. Than I wanted for myself. And. Through it all. The short story is. We ended up being very close. Closer than I've ever been to anyone. He got a job. And. I got a job in Phoenix. I got a job in. Minneapolis. And. We were separated for a long time. We just put it in the hands of God. But he got to be close to his son again. And his wife began. Ex-wife began to let him see him again. And. Started to put his life together. And he introduced his son to a relationship with God. And prayer. And things like that. And it all went well for a while. Until he had surgery. And stood up and died. After the surgery. It was unexpected. And it was two weeks after my mother had died. And I'd been. At my mother's side. And I'd visited her. No matter where I was working. I would come home. From my travels. And I would spend a night with her. In Jasper. And. Summer used to be a sarcastic brat. She started counting on the calendar. She goes. You know that you've come and spent the night with me. Nine times. Since. Halloween. In her calendar. I'm like. You know. And I'd make fun of her symphonies. And her music she would play. And. Then we'd watch a movie together. Toward the end she couldn't shower. She asked me if. If I could help her. And she goes. But I want you to put your sunglasses on. So I went out to my car. And got my sunglasses. And I came. And I got her ready for the shower. And she had her sunglasses on. But anyway. You know. I never would be able to get through all that. If I did not have a relationship with God. If I did not. You know. The thing about the steps is. For me. I suspected there was God. I wished there was God. I hoped there was God. But doing this process. And then working with you. And seeing. Evidence of God. You know. The book says. We have found much of heaven. To me that means. I see evidence of God. Here on earth. And that has gone from. A suspicion. A wish. A hope. To. To certainty. And certainty changes the game. Certainty makes us overcomers. You know. So. It does for me anyway. So. Anyway. So now. That. You know. Justin gone almost five years. His son. Who was eight when I met him. Is now thirteen. And in twenty seven days. We are going snowboarding. That was the gift. Wrapped in black paper. I got to be. Friends with his little boy. And. I'm his godmother. And he also says. I am very cool. So. And. It's just amazing. And his wife and I are very. His ex-wife and I are very close. It's an amazing thing. Step twelve. You know. Having had a spiritual awakening. As a result of these steps. We tried to carry this message. It is in trying to carry. Period. It doesn't matter what happens on the other side. It doesn't matter what happens to them. I mean. It's great if they get sober. But I got to stick to. Try to carry. And not get all involved. And tell them. You know. And work with them. And. And my sponsorship style has changed over the years. To become. More compassionate. And more customized. To meet them where they are. But they still have to hit the markers. Because they have to show me they're willing. It cannot be just fantasy. So it's measurable. You know. And it's a gift. To be able to do it. You know. People say. How do you do it? I don't know what else I would do. I had the. The best weekend this weekend. And I can't remember the last. You know. I used to. You follow me. You follow me. You know. I don't have a thousand times. It never even crossed my mind. You know. It's just. It's just. You know. It's a. You know. It's a personality change. It's a change in attitude. And it's a result of these steps. And the fellowship. That has grown up around me. Nightmare. All right. So I want to just finish up. With something from Dr. Bob's nightmare. It says. I spend a great deal of time. Passing on what I learn to others. Who want and need it badly. I do it for four reasons. One. Sense of duty. Two. It is a pleasure. Three. Because in so doing. I am paying my debt. To the man who took. The time to pass it on to me. Four. Because every time I do it. I take a little more insurance. For myself. Against a slip. If you think you are an atheist. An agnostic. A skeptic. Or have any other form. Of intellectual pride. Which keeps you from accepting. What is in this book. I feel sorry for you. If you still think. You are strong enough. To beat the game alone. That is your affair. But if you really. And truly. Want to quit drinking. Liquor. For good. And all. And sincerely feel. That you must have some help. We know. That we have an answer for you. It never fails. If you go about it. With one half the zeal. You have been in the habit. Of showing. When you were getting. Another drink. Your heavenly father. Will never let you down. Thank you. Thank you. I have known. Bits and pieces. Of your story. But wow. That is all I can say. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And the thing about whiskers. I think I was there. When you were there. And I know. That is why they are closed. Yeah.