Desperation Has Wiggle Room — Hopelessness Is When Every Good Idea Has Already Failed – Larry S.

No pressure there. Thank you, buddy. Guys, before we get started, not to put anybody on the spot, but everybody kind of hang on to my buddy Alex. He lost his mom this morning. I know how that feels. Burning up. Did y'all do this just for me? John said that I could take my pants off later. I wore that little red thing that he likes so well. Guys, my name is Larry Scott, and I am an alcoholic. And I'm free tonight. That's the big group. As she said, my home group is We Are Not a Glum Lot. We meet on Thursday nights at Dunwoody United Memphis. We're doing Charlie's Style book study. Love to have you come visit us. I know that's a good thing. I know that's in conflict with y'all, but I'm going to say hey sometime. I'm not going to go into a lot of tirade like I would normally do. I just will tell you this. I got here, and I almost died in AA. I was here for five years before somebody finally, finally made me look at this book and take the steps. I'm the guy that I want to hang out on the porch and smoke cigarettes and play grab ass with the girls. And that will not get you sober. What I have learned since I've been here is that not one of the first 100 took over 30 days to take the steps. Bill Wilson took the steps in seven days. And as we know, Dr. Bob was working with others within 10 days. Anyway, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. That's based on our history. It's December 31st, 1987, and God intervened in my life. I had nothing to do with it. I couldn't go another day. I was done. I've got to tell you something really cool that happened to me before the meeting. I hooked up with two people in my car to pray about this because it's not my favorite thing to do. And a lot of you guys remember my partner that traveled all over the planet with me named Charlie Yao. And Charlie is still with me. He still speaks to me. He died. He died. He died January 23rd of last year. And I hear his voice audibly. And so I come into the room. There's five people in here. And my buddy Chris is out here moving furniture for whatever reason. And the man sitting next to him, whom I've never seen before, comes in. And here's what Chris said. He says, I didn't expect to see you here. And this man says, I didn't expect to be here. And if you ever heard Charlie's story, he held up in a bathroom with a .38 revolver to take his own life. And when he came out, his wife said, I didn't expect to see you here. He says, I didn't expect to be here. And I went, okay, Charlie. We're on. So thank you, Charlie. I mean, that really freaked me out. I mean, I'm still amazed at God and how He plays. My first drink was Moonshine Whiskey in South George as a little boy. Don't remember anything about it except it burned real bad, tastes like crap, and I swore I'd never do it again. I went from that to finding the magic of sniffing gasoline out of farm tractors. And I liked that a lot. And later on in life, I discovered that you could sniff model airplane glue out of a bag. And see, it's all that stuff that gets you out. It's all that stuff that gets you out of here. It's all that stuff that gets you out of right here. And I liked it. And for all of you and us in here, what I discovered after the cobwebs cleared up, thank you, is that alcohol was always on the table. Always. No matter what that other stuff was, if I got too buzzed on the booze, I could do a little bit of this and get me back in the game. If I couldn't get there quick enough, I could do a little of this. You know what I'm saying? It's all fortifiers. I'm an alcoholic. And, God, I love alcohol. Imagine that. So, I'm in junior high school, and I'm scouring the alleys back behind the retail shops in Jacksonville, Florida, where I grew up, finding remnants of wine, booze, whatever, and pouring it all together. Port, vodka, bourbon, it didn't matter. And I was flipping a coin with a buddy of mine to see who got to drink it. And we would do that every day. And then, later on in life, the places that I loved to frequent were those bars that you could give them $15 at the door. And they had this little game called Slink or Swim. Give them $15 and you can drink all you can hold all night long. But, see, on the way, I would stop and get a pint to get ready to go drink all I can drink. And that's just the way I roll. I've never had one of anything. And that child was 16. You know, you guys can fill in the blanks there. Spent a lot of time in the entertainment business, radio, television, and live entertainment. And through a turn of events, I got hooked up with the management team of the Lynyrd Skynyrd band. And my disease and my ego loved that. Because them boys knew how to drink and party. But, see, I'm that guy, you've heard that saying down here in the south, if you can't run with the big dogs, get up under the porch or whatever, get off the porch. That was me. They scared me to death after a piece of time. And I was making the transition from working with the band to going to the record company. And I'm telling you this because I believe in God's grace. Just like this man quoting Charlie Yalber, bait him. And it's October the 20th of 1977. The day before that, I was with the band doing an autograph signing, and getting ready to transition over to MCA. Got in an argument with the MCA record company executive. And I told him, screw you, I'm not getting on the plane. If I had, you'd probably have another speaker at night. And God has been there, I mean, through all those. You know, I had the great opportunity to be killed at the hands of myself and other people out there in the street. People that we ran with. Places that we frequented. And, you know, I know today that God didn't want me dead. Because if he did... If he did, he had an ample shot at that. So, in 1980, I used to say I moved to Atlanta. I didn't move to Atlanta. I escaped to Atlanta. Because I became homeless when the entertainment business became less than fruitful. And went to work for another record company here. And by this time, Larry Scott's unemployable. You know, you can't come around here drinking like that. And doing that stuff. So, from 1980 until God intervened in 87, I can't even tell you, I was making do. I became a leech. And there was a woman that had worked. We'd been together off and on for about 10 years. And she came home from work one day. She had worked for that record company. September of 87. And she said, you're dying and you can't do that here. You've got to go. Thank God for that woman. You're reading Bill's story. He says, I was 40 pounds underweight and I could eat little or nothing when drinking, which was all the time. And that was me. So, Larry's homeless again. I was homeless in Jacksonville in 80 and it's 1987 now. And I'm homeless again. And I'm sleeping. I get a daybed every now and then. Or I'm sleeping in the bush or abandoned cars. And I tell you, I'm homeless. That was it. What I had were the clothes on my back and they stunk. And I didn't have any friends. And when I'd get a daybed, it was an acquaintance of somebody. That I'd met along the path. And they would make it clear, when you come into our home, you can stay the night. But in the morning when we go to work, you've got to go. You can't be here. But just having a place to lay my head. I got a daybed in Duluth, Georgia. And there was a lady out there. I'd met her through one of my old drinking buddies. And she had a couple of kids. And she was allowing me to sleep on her couch. And I'm detoxing. And I quit all that other stuff. But I was still drinking like a madman. And I was detoxing. And I didn't know that. I thought I had AIDS from all the things that I had done out in the street. And I was dying of AIDS. That's what I thought. I was convinced of it. When I would wake up in the morning light, or when I'd come to, you could slap the bed and water would splatter. I was detoxing hard. Her phone rang. And it was my brother, who's just older than me. And he says, I understand. And you're really... I don't know how he found me. I don't even know this. I don't even know this woman's last name. I just met her the day before. He said, I understand you're dying. And if you don't get help, we're going to bury you. Ego jumped in, and I said, no, I'm good. I got this, bud. He kept talking. And I liken it to the conversation that Ebby had with Bill Wilson. Ebby kept talking to Bill. And finally he hit that nerve. Because he could see something in Ebby that was attractive. And I said, what is your bright idea? He says, call this number. And he gave me the hotline number. I said, you don't understand. I'm homeless. I don't have any money. I can't afford that. I've been watching this stupid commercial that says, if you can't get... If you don't get help at Peteford, get help somewhere. And I'm going, thank you for the information. You know? So he said what he had to say. And he said, call these people up. And I called them. And they said, meet over here in Tucker on Thursday night at 8 o'clock. And I showed up. And I don't know what y'all said, what you read. I don't know any of that. I just saw a bunch of happy people that were putting on a great face and you're all liars. And for the next 90 days, I continued to drink like a madman. And, man, talking about a progressive nature. Because I started, you know, hitting y'all up for money to support this demon that was on my back. And finally I had another day bed. It's December the 31st, 1987. I'm at this woman's house. A couch. Another woman with two teenage kids. She's in the kitchen and she's cooking collard greens and black eyed peas for New Year's Day lunch. Well, I started drinking early that morning. And what I'm going to share with you is pretty much hearsay because I went into a blackout. And she was over at the sink cutting up collard greens. And I took this like a three gallon or four gallon pot of rolling boiling water. And I poured it all over her arms. And I took off that belt with the big western belt buckle and wrapped it around my hand. And I went to her home and destroyed her things in front of her children. January 1st, 1988. Larry Scott's home once again. But this time I'm not desperate. As Charlie Yowell would tell you, desperation has got a little wiggle room to it. I didn't have no more wiggle room. I didn't have any more good ideas. I was hopeless. I was dying. I can't tell you who it was, but somebody showed up and took me to another A&A meeting. I made that long walk from the back of the room. Because you know that's where I was hiding. I used to like to go to 8111. I could hide behind that pole back when it was turned off. And I was in the back of the room and I had to go get that stupid white chip. And it was the longest walk. The most humiliating thing I've ever done. So my brother has found AA. And I started going to his home group out in Binance. And it was impregnated with these old crotchety old timers. Average sobriety was about 35 years. And they loved me. Because see, I was trying to run that. I thought I was getting by running that stuff on them. They patted me on the back and said, start telling us one of these days you're an alkyholic. Yeah, well, that's not my story. I was special. So I went to the room one night and they said, you need to start coming early and staying late. You need to help set up the literature and make coffee and put out the ashtrays. And I said, okay. We'll do whatever you got to, wherever you got to suggest. And I'd show up early and I'd help old Bob from that set up the room. And he walked in there one day and he says, Larry, how you doing? I said, Bob, it's not been a good day. Most of my bosses have been talking down to me like I'm a second-rate citizen. They just treat me terrible, Bob. He said, boy, you're right on schedule. You're exactly where you're supposed to be. Well, I'm convinced that this guy's deaf and his hearing aid battery's gone flat. So we go in there and we're in this little squared-off circle and we're having one of them discussion meetings. And it went around the room, everybody talking about their way and their day and this and that and rigamarole. Finally got around to me and I said, well, Larry, how's it going? I said, well, today started off kind of rough. Today started off kind of rocky. I was selling cars over here at Perimeter Ford and about 10 o'clock everything went sideways. It was all up in flames and the day had gone to hell in a handbasket. So I went in the bathroom and did what y'all told me to do. I pulled down that paper towel and put it on the floor, grabbed the sink, and I just turned my day, turned my life and my day over to God. I started it all over. You told me I could do that. So I told them that. And I said, I just turned it over. And I'm so much better. This old cat over there named Jack Blaylock, he likes to smoke them unfiltered Luckys down to a roach, you know. He said, yeah, buddy. He said, I'm turning it over to some good stuff. He said, back when I was in Alabama, I used to write them bad checks. I turned them over to God and he turned them over to the sheriff. He came and locked my ass up. So, you know, I wasn't getting any warm and fuzzies in the A&A meetings of my choice. One morning I woke up and you told me I had to pray on my knees. And it's very uncomfortable for a Southern Baptist boy. But I was willing to do whatever you told me to do. Because remember, I had no more good ideas. So I got on my knees that morning and I started praying and it didn't feel right. It was like a canned prayer, like a written little speech. And I've been saying it for, you know, a little piece of time. So I got on the phone and I called that old mean sponsor of mine. I needed to talk to my sponsor. Well, he wasn't available. And I kept calling these people and nobody was available. It was a Saturday morning. And finally I got this old woman. She had about 132 years sober. Her name was Jean Graves. And Jean was very elegant. I could talk about Jean forever. But if you ever met Jean, she would call you darling. She said, hello. I said, hey, Jean, it's Louie Scott. Hey, darling. I said, Jean, I got this problem. She said, tell me about it, baby. I said, well, Jean, I got up this morning and I got on my knees and I prayed. And it was just empty. It was like a recorded speech. There was no meaning to it. This long, long, long pause. She says, well, darling, pray about it. Does everybody sweat like this up here? Well, I'm not going to stop. You know? So then I got thrown in with a guy that many of you know named Bill Sanders. And Bill was my sponsor. He was the guy. I'm five years hanging out on the porch smoking cigarettes. And Bill snagged me. And Bill forced me to get involved with the men of AA. Last thing I wanted to do. Got no time. Because, see, I knew men had my number. And he said, we're having a little gathering down in middle Georgia. Call me. Call the Lenin Men's Workshop. And I suggest you go. I said, oh, no. That's that thing where you all go out in the woods for three days, 400 men. I don't believe that would work for me. He said, well, I believe you should go or either find another sponsor. And I said, what did you say those dates were? So what happened is I went to The Rock. A spiritual men's retreat. Out amongst all the loblolly pines. At a 4-H camp. Horrible food. And if you ever slept on a concrete floor, that's probably a step up from them little old cots down there. But what happened is I didn't want to be there. And I didn't want to attend. I didn't want to get in y'all's groups. And if I could just stay off from you, I'd be all right. Well, they have this thing on Friday and Saturday night called a spiritual bonfire. And it's this huge bonfire. And these guys are around this fire ring. And at night, their voices dip down. Dip down a little lower. Well, I'm hiding behind these loblolly pines. And I'm watching them off in the distance. And I'm thinking, I back out this lick. It's almost bedtime. And then I hear a stick break. And I look over. And here's another guy just like me looking up right now. Welcome home, Larry. But what happened through that experience is I got to meet the greatest people on the planet. The men of AA. And through that experience, I ended up going to the rocks for 17 years. Twice a year. Going to California and Virginia and Ohio and Central Florida. Every time there was one of these things, I couldn't wait to get there. Because that's when I started getting sober. You can't begin a spiritual journey on a lie. And that's exactly what I had done. One night, I got on a motorcycle. And I rode over to a little old meeting in San Diego. A little old meeting in Sandy Springs on Friday night. And it was more of a social gathering for me. Because the cats I got sober with frequented that meeting. And I went over to see some old friends. And I walked in. It was a discussion meeting. But the basis of that meeting was the book, the book, the book, the damn book. And I kept going, but what about my day? What about them old mean bosses? Let's talk. And I met this cat that was kind of like, you know, the guy that headed up the meeting. And I said, dude, don't you think you're a little over the top with the book? He says, has anybody ever taken you through the book Joe and Charlie style? And I said, well, no. So, to spare you the long story. Three of these men took me and my family, my sponsor family, through the big book. From the blank page all the way through the first 164 pages. Took them six months. We met every Tuesday night. And this is my experience. It was a shot in the arm that has still lasted to today. I wasn't just going to meetings and not drinking anymore. I was part of a program at last. I was part of a fellowship that loved me. And you guys were there when you showed me what it was about. There was no more hiding behind trees. And we ended that book study on a Tuesday night. And on Thursday, one of the guys that taught us, named Rob, called me and he said, Larry, he says, I've been carrying the message in the basement over at the Triangle Room for X number of times. And I can't be there tonight. And I need you to take it. He says, we're on the bottom of page so and so. And I said, yeah, but. And I went. A lot of people there. Never done a book study. And nobody died. And it's really funny about this God thing. God's hilarious sometimes. Because from that night to this night, there hasn't been a week gone by that I haven't had the privilege of doing a book study either in Atlanta or someplace on the planet. That's just what God's deal is, is for me to do this book thing. And through that, I got to meet some really great people. All over the world. And one of the greatest men that I had the honor of being mentored by was Charlie Parmalee of Joe and Charlie. Charlie actually came to our home group one night. The most intimidating hour of my life. And that home group, it's kind of a phenomenon to me. Because week in and week out, it's not a discussion meeting. Week in and week out, we study this book. It takes us a minute. It takes us about six months. We start at the blank page and go through Dr. Bob's nightmare. And the place is packed. And I don't understand it. Either they got nothing else to do, or they might be just a little off. A little titched, as my daddy would say. Our home group, we get a lot of young people just like this meeting. This is a beautiful meeting to look out at. Our first year, we've been there ten years now. And our first year there, we buried 27 children. We buried 27 people. People that came in and could not or would not. This year, we've already buried nine that came in through our door. And it's only the beginning of August. Our job as recovered alcoholics is this. We're here to comfort the disturbed and to disturb the comfortable. Barry Scott's biggest enemy is complacency. When I think I got this, my diseases start talking to me. And I haven't been complacent. And I haven't been complacent in a long time. Because y'all won't let me do that. Somebody asked me before the meeting, how's it going? Well, I stood behind podiums or behind the desk 49 times last year. And in October, I said, I'm not doing that no more. Because I didn't have a life. I had a little dog that needs to be petted. And a couple of other dogs that need to be ridden. And I've just found a life. I've got life out here. And I found a little old girl. The time's thick of shine, Timmy. And it's just been a fabulous, fabulous, fabulous year. I've had the opportunity to still do some travel. I'm going to pose a challenge to you. The next time you go to your meeting, whether it's this meeting or across town, grab your coffee and go to your chair. Everybody's got their chair. I bet you John Shire sits in that chair every night. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I guarantee it. I came in here at 630, and the first five rows had business cards and car keys on them. But grab your coffee and go to your chair and sit there and close your eyes for the hour and listen. Remember those people that raised their hand that were in their first 90 days? Close your eyes and listen. Listen to see if in your meeting, that those people can hear the solution there. those people can hear the solution to alcoholism, try it. Not a hundred times, do it one time in your meeting from your chair with your coffee. And if you can't, if that person can't hear the solution, I challenge you to do something about that. Because this, I mean, I love being here. I see dozens of people that I've known for decades in here. Good to see y'all. But at the end of the day, this is about them people that raised their hands. Because we have recovered from the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body and have been given the power to help others. Bill Wilson said our chief responsibility is an adequate presentation of the program. What's the fifth tradition? What's this group named after? What's the primary purpose? Anybody know? Carry the message. Unfortunately, the message being carried we were in a part of Canada. And if you're from Canada, it may not happen in your town, but I've been to Canada a lot. What they're telling new people, if you'll come and we see that you're serious and you're here for a year, we'll assign you a sponsor. And then after a year, we're going to take the steps, a step a month. Pretty simple math, isn't it? So you're going to guarantee me a spiritual experience in two years. I don't have time for that. I need to get well now. I need somebody to run triage on me. And that's for this alcoholic. Maybe you can take your time. Not my story. I was bleeding to death sitting in your rooms and didn't even know it. I cut out the bigger part of my life. Wasn't worth hearing. I was sitting at a world conference over here at the King and Queen building over in Dunwoody in 1996. And I'm sitting in the front row. The speaker, was just like this to me. And he looked into the guts of my soul and I'll never forget it. He said, there's two kinds of people in AA. There's the players and there's the fans. I'm sitting in the car waiting to pray about 625 and all you people are coming in here with boxes and bags of stuff. And I asked my sponsor Eric, I said, what are them people toting in there? Y'all are here at 615. And y'all bring coffee and donuts and God knows what else is in them boxes. But those are your players. Your chairperson. This is a player. Young lady that spoke before me. Thank you for a great talk. Those are your players. They make the coffee. They share the meetings. They give rides. They buy big books. And then we got the fans. The fans come in and drink the coffee. They take the rides. And when that man got done talking, he looked at me and he says, I know he wasn't talking directly to me, but he was. He said, what's your choice going to be? And that was it for me. I don't want to be on the sidelines of this thing. Man, this is the biggest rush. I've been seeking the rush all my life. There's a guy named Sheldon that spoke at Woodstock. And during his little talk, he said, I hate creeper weed. I hate creeper weed. And I'm going, yeah, me too. He says, man, I get that. I smoke a big bag of it. And he says, God, this stuff just doesn't work. And all of a sudden, I come to and the floor of McDonald's with grease all the way up in my elbow. What happened? You know, I'm into that instant thing. I like it now. You know, straight shots of tequila. I hated the way it tasted. But it gets you there. You know what I'm saying? So, you know, when you're in these meetings, and you hear people ask for a service commitment, raise your hand. Get involved. The greatest job at our home group is greeter. I guarantee you, you get a greeter at our group, you've got to fire them. They won't step down. It's a great thing. It's also a good coaster. So, you told me early on I needed to be, I needed to seek. I alluded, I was born Baptist and raised Baptist, but I started seeking God, a God of my understanding. A God that didn't judge me and that I had to be fearful of. And through that, some ladies introduced me to a way of praying in 1995. And from that day to this, every Thursday night at 730, we'd huddle up in a little room at our church before our meeting and we'd pray, a group of us. And I seek to improve my relationship with my Creator. I had the awesome opportunity to be in Iceland a few years ago. Is that rain? Can we go outside? So, I was standing at the podium doing this 11-step workshop on Saturday afternoon and when I got finished, this huge man, bigger than my buddy Terry, a guy that's huge, his name was Jan. Jan came up after the meeting and he said, I'm staying in your hotel. He speaks very broken English. Could I come to your room and pray in the morning? I said, yeah. I mean, this guy was big. So, at 8 o'clock in the morning, knock on the door and this monster of a... And all the men in Iceland are Vikings. They are. I mean, it looks like they should have one of those great big turkey legs. But they have the most beautiful women. I don't need to give you a geography lesson, but what happened is they sailed around the world and they kidnapped the most beautiful women from every continent. I'm serious. Most beautiful women you've ever seen. But anyway, he knocks on the door and he comes in and he's got that monobrow, you know, and he goes, so we sat down and I held his hands and I told him what we were going to do and I prayed and I read this thing and when I got done, I signaled him to pray and he started speaking broken English and about 10 seconds into it, he interrupted me and says, I must meet God in my tongue. I said, cool. So he starts praying in Icelandic to a God that I don't understand and a tongue that I've never heard. And I tell you that for this reason. I've stayed in touch with Jan and his wife. They live in Akurey, just north of Reykjavik. And he has a God of his understanding that he's connected to because I've followed their life through the world wide web. And as we were praying, I could feel the moisture, not of sweat, but of tears, of amazement dripping off my beard because here I am in the presence of a Viking that's got a God of his understanding that he's really connected to. And wrapping this thing up, I always say this at the end of my talk. When I pray, I get one of four answers. And I told you, I love instant gratification. And the first answer I get is yes. And I really, really, really like that. I want an Indian motorcycle right now so bad I can't taste it. I mean, I'm obsessing. When you turn on the computer, it's the wallpaper, man. But there's not a dealer here yet. But I'm not praying for it. Yet. But I get that yes. I like that. When the second answer is no, and I can deal with that. Pretty black and white. The third answer is the one I really hate, and it's not right now. I hate that. And the fourth answer is I cannot believe you prayed that crap. Got five minutes? Two? Yeah, in the last year. She told me she's going to flash me in five minutes, and I've been waiting for five minutes. Really a friendly group. On page 276 of our text, a lady named Sylvia Kay, one of the early members, wrote this. I've had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointments because that is life. That's what you alluded to. We all have problems. But also, I have known a great deal of joy and a peace that is the handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends, my AA friends, an unusual quality of fellowship. For to these people, I am truly related. First through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and a newfound faith and hope. Guys, thank you so much for spending the hour with me.