Dangerously Antisocial Without Alcohol: Dangerously Social With It – Cathy B.

My name is Kathy Brown. I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, I know you are. Right. I want you to know I rehearsed this. And the other night I spent a little over an hour speaking to myself and I bit him out loud trying to get it down to ten minutes. You know, I have a lot to say, you know, today. When I got here, I didn't have anything to say. I was scared to open my mouth. You know? Tonight, I've got... I want to say that I don't memorize anything, I don' t quote anything. I just understood why. I wanted to quote something but I forgot what it was. So I'm going to briefly tell you a little bit about how I was. I started drinking at the age of eight and it was to be with my cousins, you know? And I got to high school, I was a blown-out alcoholic. I didn't know that word alcoholic, I just knew the words drunk and rushed in. And I grew up in East Palo Alto, and there was a store where we could buy, you know, it didn't matter what age you were, you could buy liquor. So I didn't need grown-ups to do that for me. I'd buy my own liquor. You know, I drank wine, and I drank Golden Moose 800s, you knows, and the ninth grade, I was back in school with my sister, you know, in high school, and started smoking weed because I wanted to be with her and her group, you you know, and I started taking pills, and I graduated from high school, and I went to college, and I started smoking hash. This is my life, you know. I don't know how I graduated from high school, you know. I went to college for a couple years because my mom wanted me to, and I quit school, and I got a job in the electronics, and my boss got tired of me passing out in the bathroom, you know, at break time, so my friend introduced me to some Benny's, and there I learned that I could still drink and be functional you know and i did that for years and then um in 81 i i hooked up with girl i wanted to be with and she was always off in the room with her friends and i found out later when i started doing it that she was shooting up heroin and shooting up cold and shooting a crank and smoking kj and i started during that we were together nine months and she died she shot herself and uh and and i went on the kj trip after that one month after that and she she was in that vision, and I figured I could be with her any time I wanted to, as long as I could buy that KJ. And that's what I did for the next two and a half years. In a general way, what it used to be like, I used to get up in the morning and fix that crank. I was amazed in those days. And I'd go to work, and in every room, I'd drink out of the liquor container in the room. Then at night, I kept the bus going home, and I'd think all the way home, or I'd be drunk, and then I'd come home and fix a little crank so i can smoke that kj you know and uh it got to the point where all i did was drink fix and smoke every day every night and i got in and at the end all idea was a spark up the joint and uh when i came to just enough to see the joint i'd spark it up again i didn't like this life and um and on the day i uh didn't take nothing with september 11 1983 i was on my yeah i got had to put my name up on the board tonight. I was on my way to work, and I was running late, and that was on county traffic, so if you missed, you're late. So I didn't want to miss the bus, so I didn' have time to take nothing. So, I figured I only had about three hours to be at work, I figure I can make it back, drink while I was there. And all I had to do that day was like check three rooms you know and uh two and a half hours later i came out of the room and i looked back and i was only three doors down you know in there and i freaked out you know it's like it took me uh two-and-a-half hours to look through three rooms and um i started crying you know i went to my boss and she asked me are you on drugs you know because i quit a whole lot of times you know I told her and uh I said yeah and I start crying you know. And I got real hysterical and uh so she told me go take a break and uh i'll get back together go to work so i thought i was i put that guys together you know and i saw i walked across the courtyard and i just went stone crazy you know you know what i did was i went back in the room and called my sister and uh i told her i needed help i told i was going nuts you know when you come and get me and i i stayed at another sister's house for 11 days and you know in that time she called recovery houses and hospitals. And one recovery house turned me down. They said I was too far gone for recovery. I needed a hospital and a detox. And I told my sister, I didn't want drugs to get off of drugs, you know? So 11 days after I had called my sister for help, I ended up in a recovery house in San Jose called Pathway. And i stayed there for six months and I did what they said. And did some things they said not to do. And almost got kicked out, you now. I'm just trying to tell you I'm human. I don't consider myself real spiritual your person, you know, today. I'm a thief, you know, and I'm finally realizing that, and I'm working on it, you know. I graduated from that recovery house, you know, and my mom used to always bring me to Campbell, and she used to introduce me to everybody, man, you know, and I hated that. It was embarrassing, you know. And everybody remembered me, and I still remember people, you know, and I used to blame it on drugs, but it's just me, me you know you know um you know and uh this was this was the first meet well this is not not friday night but a book study was the third meeting my father brought me to a saturday night live and i thought it was the most embarrassing humiliating thing i've ever went through in my life you know because i had to read out loud in front of these people you know and i i couldn't read too good then i sit on i'm still not great reading you know but i do it you know and i did it then you knowand i never want to come back here again you knowbut i i kept have come back here you know even after she quit taking the meetings and I and out like on Campbell's panel say no and um and I celebrate the year in this room you know when a guy was like 17 years or so he said all you people with a year I start sponsoring you know and get involved and stuff like that and I just knew he meant for me to do it you know until I always doing what I was told and so I started I put my name in at uh that seems no I didn't catch somebody came up to me and she said you ready to be a sponsor and i said yeah you know and you know and then that's how i got started in sponsoring i became temporary sponsor through charity night live you know i started getting involved in the other 12-step program that i'm in you know and uh and i've been involved for like about three and a half years you know and like lately i've seen like over involved and i like messed up you know in one of the meetings I was, like, irresponsible, you know. And I got to go make amends for that meeting. And I'm not quite ready to do that yet, you know, because it's embarrassing to be wrong, you know? And so I still got to work on that, you know? Like I said, I'm now not well, you know? You know, they say we practice these principles, you know, and I haven't gotten to practicing yet on that one, you know? But I am getting better. I don't pay nothing no matter what. And that's why I'm here, because I drink too much, you know? And I use too many drugs, swapping, and, you know, my life was really, really in a bad place. And I'm talking about inside myself because I was suicidal. Sometimes I knew it, but most of the times I didn't. I didn' t know I was killing myself on a daily basis and it got to a point where I didn''t care, you kno? I heard people say welcome to the newcomers before. You know, I'd like to welcome you. You know? Right now I don' t consider you the most important person in this room. I consider everybody the most importan person in the room. But that's just the way I feel right now. It changes from time to time, you kno? Sometimes I don't feel like I belong. That's just feelings I'm learning. I've gotten in touch with God. If that scares you, stick around until it don't. I've got new touchings. People call the power greater than themselves. I call it God. I call him Dad. I call them Motherfuckers. I call Him everything. But He don't care. He just wants me to call Him. And by doing that, I can see myself working the steps. You know, I'm continually, you know, keeping in touch with this power, you know. This isn't too easy for me to stand up here and just look at you, you know. And tell you a little bit about me, you know. But it sure makes me feel good. I like doing it, you know. I think I said no a couple times in sobriety, you know, to chairing meetings. And because when I was in the recovery house, somebody told me if I said no to anything in service, I'd get loaded, you know? And I don't want to get loaded. You know, it's not necessarily true, but I'm going to go on that one, you know? Because I'm not taking no chances in my recovery. I had to cut people loose because they got loaded. I'm talking about people I care about, you know? Cause I don' t want to take nothing. You know what I'm saying? I was telling a girl last night, you know? I said, you listen to me. I can't beat around the man, you know? You know? because I don''t want to get loaded." Yeah, Captain Graham coming up on four years, that don't mean fit. You know what I'm saying? I can still take something. And I know that. I got a bad attitude, you know. And I thought that's my main character defect is my attitude. And I'm learning it. And my attitude is fuck it, you now. Now I can work on it now that I know what it is, you known. I don't have much respect for too many people. And I am learning that, you known. You know, I had a supervisor used to always tell me, hey, you may be treating those presidents like that, you know? And I said, why? They just make more money than me. Somebody's got to make more money and it just happens to be them. It's just God's children, you know. But I got to learn how to treat people with a little more respect. And I'm just learning this, you know, slowly. You know, and it's just starting to make a little sense. I'm not going to get anywhere if I keep stomping on people, you Know? And calling everybody assholes. That's my favorite word nowadays. You Know? But like I said I'm here because I drank too too much, you know. And I'm here because I want to help somebody else, you know, and I always get a good kick out of this, you know, when it's over, you know. So, quote-unquote, welcome to the newcomers, you know. If you don't take nothing, you won't get drinks. If you don' t take no drugs, you won't get loaded. That's the way I live, you know. I listen to what people say. I sit in the room when I don't want to be here. I sit and I cry in front of people. God, that's embarrassing that, you know. But I do it anyway, you know. And, you know, most times I do this when I come and sit in front, you know. It's embarrassing to just walk out and everybody can see you crying, you know. God puts me in front, you know, sometimes so I can hear. It like some of the things you say, I don't want to hear because it's about me, you know. I don' t want to hear the truth. I'm not ready for it, you know. People keep saying, they keep saying keep coming back, you know. Now I tell people to tell me to keep coming back sometimes, you you know, because I'm scared, man. I'm afraid of using them, you know. My life, oh, God, my life is better than ever been. I don't know. You know, I don' t know. My life is okay, you kno. I'm financially okay. You kno, I show up to work every day. I like spending money, so I go to work, you kno. I love spending money. I have friends. Hey, check this out. I have friend today, you gno what I'm saying? I got friends that don't want to pay. They don't owe nothing for me. You know, I've never had that before. I always had somebody, what do you got to drink, huh? What do you have to smoke on? Can I get you some sex, you know? Or something like that. Oh, you want to go half with me? You know? I mean, these people today, they don't fit for me, huh, you know? And that's unreal. I don't believe it sometimes. I question them, you know? Like, what did they want from me? How did he something? So I'm going to stand back for a little while, you know? But what happened is I'm learning to not tiptoe around my friendships, you know? I'm learned to take a chance, you know, and just be me and say what's on my my mind, you know, and try not to hurt nobody. Try not to hurt nobody, you know, don't always work, you know, but what I do every morning when I don't have company is I get on my knees and I say my prayers, you know, prayers or thoughts, talks, whatever with this power, you know, sometimes I just fake it, you know, because sometimes I don t believe there is a God, you know? Even though I know He has worked in my life, you know. Sometimes I don t believe and I just keep faking it, You know? I've been with him. All right. Thank you. Good evening, my name is Senator. I'm an alcoholic. God, this room is getting bigger and bigger all the time. Good to be here tonight, and I want to welcome the seven new members of Alcoholics Anonymous. of us. If I were to have a theme tonight, I would say the theme would be, how have I changed? And I'll share that with you. You know, I came to this program, it would have been 14 years, January the 14th is next, but I'm a retreader. And I'm retreading for those for you who don't know, it means that I came in and I went out again. And I'd like to share a little bit how I had to change that, you see. I knew that I was an alcoholic quite a few years before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. First I knew I had a problem, then I thought I could handle it, and I really tried, you know, I really cried. I started drinking when I was about 15 years old. That seems to be sort of like the magic age, more or less. 15, 14, 15, 16, around there. Some 9 and whatever. But the point is that I did start at an early age. I didn't have any problems then as far as drinking. But I drank very strangely because when I first got drunk, I took all my clothes off and around negative age of 15. So that makes it a little different. And I didn't say one day, you know, well, I think I'm going to grow up to be an alcoholic. It just happened. But I'll tell you, did it just happen? Or did I cooperate and really began to get myself into this state so I would become an alcoholic? You know, I came here, like I said, over 13 years ago. go. And I did what I was told to do, you know. I came in here by accident, by a series of accidents, a whole bunch of them. And the courts didn't send me here. What happened is that I was trying to pacify somebody and I agreed to talk to a man who was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and he gave me some information about the program. He told me about meetings, he told me about sponsorship and all that and it was fine and dandy but I wasn't no part of Alcoholic Anonymous just the same. And when I finally...I had gone to my doctor many times and I had asked him to help me and he told he did not know how to treat alcoholics. He sent me through a a psychiatrist. I went to a psychiatrist for two and a half years, and he couldn't help me. And then I went to a hospital, you know, the care unit and all that stuff, and I wanted them to fix me. Ah, there it is. Fixed me. That was my problem. I wanted everybody to fix be. The doctors, psychiatrists, the hospitals. You know what? They couldn't fix me Anyway, Anyway, I started having problems with the police because of my drunk driving. And ten days before I finally got in here, and I'll tell that story because I see a lot of these faces here, I'd had already about two priors. I had lost my license at one time for six months. And I didn't need any more. First, I had a hit-and-run. This was a period of ten days. I had a hit-and-run. Then I had to rear-ender. I rear-ended a small foreign car. There was a couple in there. And I was extremely concerned because, my God, it was my record, and I just got through having that hit-or-run, which I was ready to go on the court for, you know, preliminary. And a couple came out, and I realized that they were deaf-mutes. They were giving me all kinds of signs, and they were really all upset. So I had some money in my pocket, and I gave him $400 to keep quiet. And I gave him $40, and they kept quiet and drove away. I felt blessed. Then I had a front wreck. I almost passed out, really, at the wheel. And the next thing I knew, I was being taken to jail again. And they let me out. My uncle Thomas was surprised by me, but he did. And of course my car was in such a bad condition that it had been towed away, and they gave me a loaner while it was being repaired, and I wrecked the loaner. I totaled it and put me back to jail. And this time, of course, I had to be bailed out. I got bailed up, went back, and I couldn't get a loan anymore. I Got real angry. So I rented a neighbor's car, and I took David's car. And by God, I wreckged that one too. And I just wrecked Ray's car car and I remember vaguely seeing this cop, you know, really giving it to me. And calling me all kinds of names, etc., you know. And they're going to throw a key and all this stuff. And then I sort of faded away. Then I woke up again and there was this young police officer and he was just shaking his head. And I said, what happened to the other officer? He said, oh, he had to go. But I'm holding him for you. I'm holdin' you for him. And And he said, you know, you should be doing something about your drinking. And I said, why? He said, oh really? What are you doing? I belong to Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know about you, but I had to, you know, I was real good at just being able to lie like that, you know. He said. Oh, really? You going to a meeting? Yes. What kind of meetings? All kinds of meetings. You know, open and closed and men's meetings, everything else. Do you have a sponsor? I said, yes. What's his name? Well, I just met the man about a week or so before and I said Lee Brown. Lee Brown? Do you know his phone number? He had given me his card. I said yeah. He said here. So are you, you know. And you know why did he call him? I did not know that you could call that you can call anybody from a sports car. You can. I'm warning you, they can. He called Lee Brown He said, Mr. Brown, there's a man here by the name of Ed Grigg, and he's really in trouble. He's been drinking again. And he said that you're his sponsor. And he says, well, by God, because I'm his sponsor, you damn right I'm a sponsor. That's why I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I came in by accident and with a sponsor." I had no intention of coming to AlcoholicsAnonymous, believe me. me. Anyway, I came in here and I was told to do all the things, to go to meetings, and I went to meetings by God. And you know, I won't go into how it was in the past because you know we know. I know how to drink, you know? I wanted to escape reality. I wanted to feel better. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I was a great fantasizer. As far as I can remember as a kid, I always used to fantasize. But you know they came and I wanted change but I had no idea how. And by the grace of God, I came to this program even by accident. And the guy that I picked as a sponsor I don't think I picked him I think the higher power did. He was one of those guys he was about 6 feet 4 as tall as I am and he weighed about it seems like 400 pounds not quite. He was a logger from Eureka and he those of you who knew who know who passed away a couple years ago when you leave around know what I'm talking about the one guy the type of guy who would not suggest anything he told you what do you mean there are no muscles programs you know what do we mean suggested you know he told me what the hell to do He told everybody what the hell to do. Opinionated, self-centered, egotistical son of a gun. I hated his guts and I got to love him. That man had to kick my butt all over San Jose, Santa Clara, all over the place. He went to court with me at every one of my hearings. And by the way, it was drawn out for over a year, a year and a half almost. You can imagine what I had pending there with all the stuff that I had. Oh, by the web, we're going to tell you all the fashions that I've had in 10 days. It all happened between 12 noon and 1 o'clock. 12 noon to 1 o', noon of the day. That's how bad I was drinking. Anyway, this man told me what to do, and I did everything he told me to do. I went to two meetings a day, sometimes three meetings a days. I read the big book. I got involved. I trust that the boy did. We trust that. And we trust that, and the wet ones, and the white ones, here and there, up in San Francisco, here, taking him down to, up to Gulf Peace, up to Calistoga, you name it, we did all that. and I was secretary of one meeting, secretary of another meeting, you know. And I got drunk. Why did I get drunk? If I did everything I was told to do, why the hell would I get drunk? The reason why I got drunk is because I had not in reality taken my first step. You know, the first step does not say we admitted we were alcoholics and that our lives had become become unmanageable. See, I had no problem saying that I was an alcoholic. I thought I knew what an alcoholic was. So many years before I came here, I surely was saying that I was a man. I thought so. We are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. That's what the definition is in Alcoholics Anonymous, in Big Book. I have a disease and I have an algae. It's just a disease and I also have an obsession of mine. AA helps me to take care of that obsession by coming to believe in the power greater than myself. But anyway, you know I got in here and I didn't think, well why did I drink? Well I know why. And most of you will know why, I'm sure. Like I said, I had not understood the first step. Those seven new people who are here, if you want to stop using, you want to stop drinking, make sure you're taking that first step because if not you will drink. you will drink half of those that come to AA never have to drink again the other half half of those go out and never come back and they usually die and the other half eventually make it so far I'm making it you know I had to not only say that I was an alcoholic and to concede to my inner myself that I was a real alcoholic there was not enough of this alcoholic I had had to admit that I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable, and I had to accept the fact that I could never drink again. What happened? I heard somebody say at a meeting, don't quit forever if you got sick. That's too tough. Just quit for one day at a time. Well, when I first came in here, I quit for one minute at a Time. One hour at a Time, you know. Half a day at a Time, one day at A Time, but after nine days, and you really get into the steps, and You take the first step, You've got to. This is what I feel. This is why I believe you have anybody who's had some time in this program, and they'll tell you, particularly those who have gone out for a recess like me and who finally are staying sober, they'll say they had to quit forever. And that's a bitch for an alcoholic to admit, to accept the fact that I can never drink again. Does that bother you? If it does, be careful. If it bothers you, my telling you have to quit wherever, you're going to keep right on drinking. That's what I feels, and I believe that. I have to handle it one day at a time. Thank God. I handle that one day at a times, the fact that I have to quit forever. One day at a time, but I don't quit just for one day, forever. That's how I'm saying sober today. And those of you who know in and out, in and out, you may never come back in one day. I've seen, I have known eight guys personally, intimately who have died. Two committed suicide. side, one hung himself and one shot himself. I had to change. I had a change. How did I change? Well, first of all, I had to want to stop drinking. I have a want to stop drinking enough. And by the grace of God, someway somehow, I guess I know I asked him to help me. And I got sincere enough and honest enough that said please help me want to suffering than I did. And that was the beginning, you know? I had to change a lot of things. So that's my theme. I had a change a lot of thing. I couldn't do it by myself though. I had to have this fellowship. I have to have this program. I haven't had the book, the big book, all by itself. All the AA literature, you You know, with 12 steps, a course. And I had to have the guidance of a sponsor, two sponsors. I had a sponsor who never drank, Lee Brown. He died, he had almost 33 years in this program when he died a couple years ago. And Jack Holt, who has now in 29 years, said he's a retreat like I am. And any of us. you know I had to really and truly take that first step I had a change my belief I had changed my belief about alcohol and I had to accept the fact that I was powerless over alcohol the moment I made that change in my belief about alcohol my life began to get better I didn't realize it at first but that's what happened and you know when we change change our beliefs, I believe it affects our feelings. I used to say it affects our attitude but I've changed that. It affects our feeling. Then because of that belief changing my feelings about whatever it may be, I changed my beliefs about my alcohol, my feelings towards alcohol, my attitude towards alcohol and my behavior changed. I didn't drink anymore. I don't drink anymore. I had to change my belief about a higher power. I had forget to understand a higher power of my understanding. And when I did that and I chose to change and come to believe in a power greater than myself, what happened? My feeling towards God, my attitude towards God and my behavior changed all the way down the line. Now, how the hell did I do that? I took three steps. Each one of them, you know. I don't like to hear when people say, oh my God, you don't act as if. Just act as if you believe in the higher power. What a bunch of crap. I have been acting as if all my life. Always acting as If. Playing at wanting to be something else. Either I believe in God or I don' t believe. Period. You know how I got to that? By reading and studying chapter 4. It's all in the book. Chapter 4 tells me either I'm going to believe in God, either God is everything or God is nothing. What is he going to be? So after I took a second step and I came to believe in the power of God myself it restored me to sanity I was ready for a third step step. And I had a hell of a time with the third step. The first step and the third step were the worst steps that I ever had to work with. And, I had hard time with the third because I could not understand what making a decision was. I said, I made it. I've made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God if I understand Him. But, I thought the decision was like a, like a promise. it. Okay, I've decided to do it. I'll do it manana. I will do it manana." And so somebody said to me, you know, if you don't take action on a decision that decision is worthless. In other words, it means that we have to take it, we have to do what I had to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. And I felt uncomfortable about that. Although by this time already believed in a higher power but this higher power was new for me and then it was explained to me and then I got to understand also for myself by talking to people like you in the program the winners reading and staying close to AA that this higher power has given every living creature of her opportunity of her chance a fair chance to survive. You know, I don't hear a run as well as my dog do. Of all living creatures, we human beings are some of the weakest for survival. I don' t have a shell. I can't fly. I can' t swim underwater. But God gave all of us, all human beings, a wonderful gift. A very powerful thing that we all have. And because of this thing that you have, we survive. It's a wonderful thing. A lot of wonderful things happen by using this thing that this higher power has given us. It's called self-will. It will never fly, Mr. Wright. We're going past the moon. And all these wonderful discoveries in medicine, all the great discoveries towards curbing disease and ailments and what have you, you know building things all because of self-will but it was the proper use of the will and by the same token it's one of the worst things we could have we have wars we have murders we have all kinds of horrible negative things how come because this higher power gave us all self-willed that means we can do anything we want to but we have to suffer the consequences question. The law of cause and effect. So, I began to realize, and today I realize more and more, that one of my main problems is not using my will properly. I didn't have much guidance when I was a kid. Oh, I was sent to school and everything, and I was fed, but I was still a loner, like most every alcoholic that I've ever met. Loners felt that we didn't belong, felt that nobody cared, wanted to be loved, would do anything, anything to have somebody love us the way we wanted to love. So why did I turn my will over to the care of this higher power? Well, I did. And the moment I did, that meant that I was having not some trust in the faith that I had towards this higher power, the beginning of it. And once I did that and I began to really practice that third step which tells me that I must or that I should take my fourth step as soon as possible, it is advised we do, it's right there in the big book. And I finally got into by seven months I was probably working on my eighth, my fourth step. And of course I'll tell you one thing, the ground was on my back constantly. And I worked for that third and fourth step and I began to create a register of the past. After the third step I began to create the register of past because you see what happens. I want to feel better. I want change. I want it to get better. Really and truly. And the only way I could do it was by number one making sobriety my most important thing. That comes squared above anything, anything. I don't care who it is. My survival. This program has to come first. I'm an alcoholic. I've tried everything before and it didn't work. So following the steps that I suggested and I took my third step and I put my fourth step and then I took by fifth step and I got through with the fifth step and I felt very, very relieved. At least finally I told myself my dark secret. You know, I've heard it many times over and over again, the same dark ticket from the guys that I sponsored. It's amazing. We are so similar. It's Amazing. Anyway, I took my fifth, and I took my sixth, and you know, I began to realize that by taking the fourth step not only did I get rid of some of the record of my past, but I got to know who I was, beginning to know who i was and I also found out one wonderful thing, what my defective character were. And I say wonderful because I thought that if I had a defective character it meant that I was defective. You know what? It tells me in there in different ways. You read in the 12 by 12. When you read the fourth step in the twelve by twelve the first paragraph the second, the third the fourth paragraph the fifth all the way to the seventh and eighth paragraph it tells you in different ways what a defect of character is. God given human traits which have gone astray. Oh. no. I'm not defective. My God-given human traits went astray. Why? Because of my poor usage of my will. I chose to overdo. I don't know about you guys, but I overdo everything. And I had to over do everything. Everything. You know. The definition of an alcoholic. alcoholics. More. And that's what I wanted, more of everything. So I became full of defective character, you know. Name them, I had them all. But it made me understand that I couldn't cop out anymore, you see. Well, after all, I'm an alcoholic and I'm defective. I have all kinds of defects. Poor me, boo-hoo-hoo, I've got a drink. A bunch of crap. But that's what I believe. See, so I had to change my belief. Every step makes me change my belief. Isn't that great? Every one of these steps. So now I know what defects of character are. Now what do I do about them? Tells me the sixth step. Get entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. Isn' t that great ? How do Ido that? Let go! My sponsor used to tell me. I know but how do I let go? Let Let go. Know how to let go? I've got to want to let go. That's what it is. You've got to want to let go. If you want what we have and you're willing to go any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. And some of these be bought. You know, that's true. How do I let go? I don't want to let go. Okay, how do I want to let go? Just say, I want to let go. God help me. You know what? He does. I believe, where is this higher power? Where is God? Where is whatever you call your higher power deep within us and only there can be found? It's in the fourth chapter. I had trouble with the higher power too because, see, I had sort of skipped over the re-agnostic chapter there. I said, well, I read it, you know, but I'm not an agnostic. I believe in God. I recommend, I think it's my personal opinion, I think that, I wish they would have called it something else. Read it if you haven't yet and study it and it will tell you exactly how to come to believe in the power greater than yourself. Anyway, I got through the sixth step and I was ready. How did I lose my composure to drink? Man, I was read, ready to let go. And when you reach the sixth steps, it tells you again about those defects of character. It brings it up again. See, Bill Wilson, who wrote the 12 steps and the 12 by 12, it's all repeated over and over again in different ways. So I got finally to the point where I got to understand the sixth step, and then I asked, I humbly asked God to remove my shortcomings. And that act of humility and asking God to move my shortcoming, my defective character, he did so. but always let me know that I have the choice to reinstate them if I so desire. Why? Because God is not an Indian giver. He gave himself will and I've got it well. I wish I could just turn everything over. Oh, don't you hate that one thing? Just turn it over! Turn it over. When I do that God says to me I don't want that. You take care of it. You see, I believe or I know for me that God will not do anything for me that I can do for myself. Nothing. He will not do anything for me that I can do for myself. I have to be responsible. If I know how to do something, I can ask God. I can ask God and if I really am sincere about it and ask Him, He will tell me how the hell to do it, how to handle it. All of a sudden I get the know-how. You know? Fantastic. You know all those feelings you have with all the inner guidance that you get, that's the higher power. If all of a sudden you feel that you shouldn't do something, by God, don't do it. That's how the higher part is talking to you. Don't do It. What a change. See, I had no idea. I thought I was all alone. And I'm not all alone We are not all along. There's this higher power in us. All human beings, we all have it. It's part of our making, of our makeup. So you know, When I finally got to the seventh step and I took my eighth step and I began to make a list of all the people I had harmed and I put myself at the top of the list like I was supposed to do so, more changes occurred. I was able to forgive myself. I was unable to forgive other people, and it wasn't easy. And then on the ninth step, I started doing it. And then I got into the tenth step. before I hear. Now we get into what is the 10th step? Continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admit it. At the beginning I thought that this was a step that I had to use but I had apologized. That's not it. That's just a headline. You know, that's just a headline It tells me in the 10 steps we have entered the world of the spirit. Oh, I thought I did in the 3rd step oh no, 3rd set was just a teaser just getting in there. The second step was just a teaser, just getting you ready. When I finally got to the 10th step, for God's sake don't graduate after the third step. Don't graduate if you haven't taken the third step. Don't graduated after the fifth step. Keep on going because good stuff, real super good stuff is 10, 11 and 12. Guaranteed. And you want to know all that changes? You'll get them. You'll every one of them. you know the 10th step is a fantastic guide and by the way if you are new and you're having trouble with people you probably don't you're in trouble with P.C. why don't you read it in the 12x12 you can't take it, we have to take the steps in order but the 10 steps you read in the 13x12 will help you guaranteed, talk about self-restraint talk about how we do things and how we try to manipulate people, you know, how we have to have our space and how мы have to give others space. And if you're having problems with people, whether it's your wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, family, employee, employer, doesn't make any difference, you read and study that 10th step in the 12 by 12, and you'll see. You'll see that it's going to help you. And the 10th Step tells me that I have to continue to take a personal inventory to watch out for some of the old defects of character, particularly to watch out for selfishness and self-centeredness that keep coming in. To watch out for fear, for anger. And it tells me exactly what to do about it. It tells me to ask God to remove this from me. And then it tells you what else to do. To tell someone about it, to talk to someone about my my feelings and my problems that I'm having at the time. And then it tells me to turn my thoughts on who I can help. Then the 10-step tells me, love and tolerance of others is our code. And that can be a hard one. Love and tolerance for others is their code. May I suggest, practice some of that for yourself. Have some love and intolerance for yourself I have never talked to anybody, I have not mistreated anybody the way I have mistreated myself. I don't know about you, but but I try not to be obscene, but I can surely use them towards me. I don't do that anymore, by the way. I'm amazed. I just don't. One day I said, I don'T want to do that any more. And if you stop doing that, stop being so hard on yourself. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Because we want to be perfect. We want to Be Perfect. And that's okay to strive for that. But there's only one thing that I consider to be Perfect, and that's the higher power. That's what I believe. And so, therefore, I may not be perfect, but I can strive for it. But ease off on myself a little bit. Ease off a little on yourself. Begin to like yourself. Begin to love yourself. Eric Fromm says that's the definition for love. And I'd like to share it with you. Most of you who have read it will know what I'm talking about. He says there are four requirements for love One of them is caring. Caring, you have to care for that or for whom you love. Real sincere caring. You have to be, have a feeling of responsibility. In other words, not to control, but to be responsive to the needs and the wants of that or whom you are caring for or loving, who you love, or whatever you love and you haveと have respect, that's the third thing you have то have respect for that which you love or whom yoу love out. And the fourth thing is you have to have knowledge. In that phrase, you have to want to know more about that or whom you love. And he says that any of those four things are missing, there's no love. There's no true love. Was I caring for myself when I was drinking? Hell no. Did I have any respect for me while I was drinking ? No. Was Was I responsible to myself? No. Did I want to know who the hell I was? Hell no. Eric Fong and Bill Woodson knew each other. And it's part of that in our program. It's in our programs. We care. Love. Love and service. You know. So love and tolerance of others is our code. And we have to practice that. But we have try it on ourselves first. And if we don't love ourselves, it's going to be very hard to love anybody else. When I first heard that, I thought, oh, bullshit. I love everybody! Well, it was one of my great fantasies. I did want to love everybody. But I didn't know how. How could I possibly love you if I didn' t know how the hell to love? If I didn''t know who the hell, what love was? And that's what happened to me about four years ago. I said, well, you know, everybody talks about love, love, love, you've got to love and millions of songs and all kinds of wonderful classical music dedicated to love and trashy music and rock and roll and everything else is all about love, love, love. But what the hell is love for you, Ed? What is love? Oh yeah, that's motherly love, motherly Love, fatherly Love. But what is love when I finally found that out by reading Eric Fromm I said, yeah, I'll buy that. I have to have those four ingredients and we've got it in this program. What a change. Now I'm just beginning to know what love is all abou and I have to love you. And you know what? These steps are helping you do that. That's how I'm changing today. And I want to get to know more about this higher power. I want it to be a little bit I want him to get closer to it. You know, and I want continue to have so I have the 11 steps that helps me. That's my real goal to get poster to understand a little but more. It doesn't mean for me to be praying to be crossing myself and everything else. By the way, I'm half Mexican as you can tell. I am. My mother is born Durango. I was raised in Mexico City and I was brought up a Catholic. And my father was a Methodist. And by God, I had to go to both of them. My boy said, I hate Sunday. I tell you. They were all bad gods. They were going to punish me. I was going to burn in hell. I never forgot when I was in the Navy and I wasn't depending on your occupation and I got a letter from my mother and she was saying, I hope to God, my dear son, that you're going to some church. I wrote back I said dear mom I was about 18 years old I said mom I'm not going to any church and I don't intend to go to anyone it isn't because I don' t have any respect or I don''t believe in God I believe in god but it's very hard for me to love god when I'm supposed to fear him there's no way that I can love anyone that I'm afraid of so it didn't compute so I had to change what I was putting into my head I had changed my belief and this program is doing it these 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are doing you know I had talked about self-will run riot and yet you know if you're afraid to cheat if you tell yourself how the hell can I do these things remember that you have to want to each one of us has had great successes the things that we wanted to do maybe you wanted to go to school, maybe you want to learn a trade maybe you wanna be a professional, a good carpenter whatever and when you wanted not to do it, you did it. Stop and think about it. Not just wanting another drink. When you wanted to do something, you didn't. That's the motivating. That will is so strong. In some way, somehow, we find out how to do this. You know why? Because we have a higher power inside of us and we find a way and we get the direction. There's no difference in getting sobriety. You have to want it. This is my belief. These are my opinions. This is what I'm learning because of this program, you know? I have to want to stay sober. Of the three years that I drank, I'd say 15 of the years were great. The first 15. I didn't have any bad times. I had some real good time. I really enjoyed it. As a matter of fact, I would venture I would venture to say that because of my drinking, it saved my life. There were some things I just couldn't put up with. I couldn't stand. And alcohol did afford me to escape. But you know what happened? I went too far. I don't know about you, but I'd overdo everything. And I went to far and I drank too much and I wanted more, more, more, more, more, more, more. more. And many times people said, smile, smile smile, and that's what I got. And then I crossed that line, and I remember when I crossed that line I crossedthat line and I said, oh my God, I've done it. And I knew it because it didn't slow me down. I went to the doctor. When I went to the doctors, the doctor fixed me. No human power, but God couldn't will you if he were sought. It's in the seeking. It's the wanting to seek. Oh, I can't stay sober. You know, it's amazing how we're beginning to see today's science discovering what alcohol is all about and what cocaine is all about when those who wrote the big book knew about it. Three years came out four years after AA started. Can you imagine? And it hasn't changed. And it still works. We talk about, you know, we have a daily repeat pre-contingent in the means of spiritual condition. That's, by the way, the tenth step. You know why it says we're going to get back to we're gonna get our sanity back? You know, the second step says that that God will do that, right? We come to believe that our power greater than ourselves restores to sanity. When are we restored to sanity? In the tenth step. Well, by now we haven't restored to sanity, it says. Really? I like that. But then it says I have a little teeth. Contingent remains made some strict conditions, which means I have to keep on going. I have keep on maintaining that. So you know, after the 11th step, and I get closer to my higher power, and now I don't pray getting back to what I said before. I don' t pray like I used to when I was a Catholic. Or when I went to Methodist Church in Sunday school. It was a long Sunday, believe me. I got to... But I'm very grateful that I had all that, by the way. And I don''t remember the whole thing. I was going to school down in Los Angeles and one of my my elective courses for philosophy course was Man's Religion, and I took that. I still have the book. It's called Man's Religion, and it's amazing, you know, and it is in the fourth chapter too, by the way, how human beings have that desire to believe in a higher power. You know, different civilizations all over the world, Orientals, all races, blacks, we all have that design. desire. And civilizations didn't have no contact with each other. They all evolved into having their religions and coming to believe, and wanting to believe in something more powerful than them. So anyway, that is just the proof again that that is part of our makeup. Another tough step, you know, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. I'm trying to carry this message. What is this message? That I've had a virtual awakening is the result of the best that's all not that i'm a prophet but i'm one of followers you know and of course uh and to try and practice these principles in all my affairs um change i had a change i have a change from a kid I say to kids for a long time, brought up in Mexico City primarily in Guadalajara, who used to talk like people these times. And they said, gee whiz, you know, you look so American. I said well I am, I'm half and half. And I had the upbringing at home we spoke English and of course out in the world out there I spoke Spanish. no big deal by the way speaking both languages if you're a little kid and you know at home you speak it and you learn but I also learned a lot of the customs see which made me a little bit separate from everybody and then my father and my mother decided to go out to the Tierra Madre most of you saw the first year of Tierra Amade you'll identify with that one and they did have the bandidos and all that but what they had was the Indians like you saw if you ever seen that movie we were up there you know it was a little village called La Rastra. And the closest town to this village was three days and three nights by horseback up in the Tierra Madre. And there were only three families who spoke Spanish who were Mexican, and all the rest were Indians. And so that added to my aloneness as a kid because the Indians didn't want to play with me. I was real strange. I Was real blonde and I was so white. And they left me alone. So I played with my animals. Played a long fine with my horse and the chickens and the turkeys and the pigs and uh and all those animals and i get along fine so so i was a loner just like all of us are well today that's changed today i have i'm not alone anymore i know a lot of men and women in this program i never had friends before i mean really friends a lot thinking buddy you know and of course i would would say 99% of all my drinking buddies are alcoholics, or worse, some are dead. I used to say, I don't trust anybody who doesn't drink. And I meant it. I meant it. You know, if you don't drink, I want no part of you. Something is wrong with you. Yeah, those guys brought me like a hot potato when I stopped drinking. Some of them have come in, by the way. There's a couple more sitting over there that I drank with. And now, as a matter of fact, I even sponsor some of them. I remember the whole thing. You, seven new people, you have now embarked on a wonderful adventure. Give yourself a break. Give yourself a break, because this program does work. But try and find out how it works. I hate when people say, I don't know how it worked. It just works. it doesn't work the whole fifth chapter tells you exactly how it works chapter five how it worked and there's those steps 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous that's how it works and it works by taking the action i had to work at it and then i began to change change if i change my belief to positive believe my fees are going to change to positive feelings. Guaranteed. And if I change my feelings to positive feelings, my attitude is going to change. You know? I changed my attitude for a long time there and I said, well, okay, I'm supposed to change my attitude. Oh, I used to love those topics about altered attitudes. Oh yeah, I've got to alter my attitude without something missing. And I changed my attitude about a lot of things. All of a sudden I realized geez, I think I'm being funny again. I've altered my attitude playing as as if. Don't play as if, be you be you, be you, you know. There's only one you and you're beautiful, and you are believe it there's only once, through the mold away you came into this world and there's 21 of you isn't that great? Not saying God, no isn't it great? Because we're equipped to do that, you You know, yeah. You say, well, I only want what I deserve. I don't. Yeah, I do. I would do. But, you know, some of the things that I've done in the past. But that's the past! See, I kind of live in the fast. And I'll just start posing by telling you that, you think of those new people, men and women that are new. All you have to do is work it one day at a time. you know you take the first step get to understand it easy does it but do it you know and watch for the people who say things and change things around and they say you have to accept everything my book does not have page 449 that has that thing about acceptance now the doctor doesn't really mean but people take things out of context you see and they make you believe that you have to believe you have to accept everything including all the bad I don't we don't it says the first 181 pages I wrote 181 because I like to include our co-founder's story, Dr. Bob he's got some good stuff to say, read it that's the first story the first 191 pages tells me in there, the whole program is there as far as I'm concerned right from the beginning and production all the way to page 181 and it tells me that I have to do certain things that I have to change, you know. And if I'm willing to do that, things are going to get better. There's no two ways about it. I know that when I first came in here, I used to say, gee, why don't they tell me how, I wonder how it works. I mean, I remember that day. Yeah, I wondered how, why doesn't somebody really tell me? So just keep coming back, keep coming And I would talk to my sponsor, but that was my sponsor. I wanted to hear, you know. And you know what you have to do if you're new? Keep coming back. You keep coming back and all of a sudden it begins to work. Almost like by magic. The driving force is this. Your desire. You wanting to be honest with yourself. You wanting to be sober. And what is sobriety? It means a better life. It means growing up. What do they call me, baby? What do we call each other, baby, because we're a bunch of babies, really. But we grow up, and we do it one day at a time. I'd like to just for a few seconds talk a little bit about sponsorship before I close, And that is that if you have a sponsor, listen to that sponsor. My sponsors both, the first one particularly, spent many, many, many hours with me. Matter of fact, he saved my life. I know that. I know them. You know, that man who really spent many hours with me knew me because he was an alcoholic. My sponsor, Jack, Jack Holt knows me and spent many years with me too. And you know the cycle is not complete until you start sponsoring somebody. And you cannot sponsor anybody until you've taken the step. So take them and you'll see the great wonders begin to happen and you will change. You will change for the better. You will chance to the point where you say, you know what? I'm happy to be alive. Oh, we have problems. You betcha. You know? I've had some real heavy stuff up for, you know, happened to me in sobriety. But I haven't had to drink. I don't want to drink, I couldn't care less about drinking, that's the last thing I want to do. Drinking is not my problem today. Matter of fact, I don' t really have any problems, I have uncomfortable situations that can be solved. You know, and getting back to the will real fast, I can change anything except one thing. I'm going to die. but I can change the quality of my death just the way I've changed the quality of my living today I'm going to die sober I hope and I will providing I do certain things in coming to meetings seeing you charming people and believing in a higher power I want to thank all of you I want to thank you very much for having me here tonight and just remember one thing that God is with us and whatever your higher power may be, trust in that power and believe in that power and get to know that power and change your belief. Thank you.