Consequences Didn’t Remove the Obsession — Only Complete Spiritual Bankruptcy Did – Christine H.

About This Speaker Tape

Christine shares her story at an AA meeting, starting with a turbulent childhood in a large military family at Patrick Air Force Base in Florida. The fifth of six children, she struggled with dyslexia, felt unseen by her parents, endured violence from older siblings, and suffered abuse from a predator at a very young age. A switch flipped at age 11 when she decided she would never be a victim again, and she turned to aggression and fighting as armor against a world that had already taken her innocence.

By age 10 she was smoking weed, by 14 she was selling drugs for a 36-year-old supplier, and before she turned 16 she had been arrested for grand theft and caught in a narcotics raid. She married her son's father at 16 to escape the legal fallout, had her son at Fort Bragg, and worked in a bar at 18 surrounded by GIs and bikers. She lost custody of her son at four, cycled through abusive relationships she now recognizes she chose to confirm her own belief that she was unlovable, and white-knuckled her way through periods of sobriety that never lasted.

The losses piled up — her infant grandson Jackson died in 2017, and her beloved sister Tanita died of stage four cancer in October 2019. Christine had to drink a pint of beer each morning just to keep her hands steady enough to care for her dying sister. After Tanita's death she went off the rails, and COVID's Zoom-only meetings gave her a resentment that kept her drinking even longer. She finally walked into an AA meeting in early 2023, drinking whiskey beforehand to manage her terror, and kept showing up even while still drinking.

On April 12, 2023, she fell to her knees completely broken and begged Higher Power to remove her obsession. She got up off the floor and has not had a drink since. She describes the shift from asking whether Higher Power was with her to asking whether she was with Higher Power. Now approaching two years of sobriety at age 59, she has experienced sober birthdays, holidays, and St. Patrick's Days for the first time since she was 14, and she closes by reading a passage on faith that her aunt sent during her 2013 cancer treatment.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction — sobriety date April 12, 2023, gratitude for being asked to speak
• 1:30 Childhood on Patrick Air Force Base — big military family, dyslexia diagnosis, feeling unseen as the fifth child
• 5:00 Childhood abuse by a predator — losing her innocence, and how she prays for that person today
• 8:00 The switch flips at age 11 — decides she will never be a victim again, slices open someone's hand with a knife
• 11:00 First weed at 10, selling drugs at 14 for a 36-year-old supplier, grand theft arrest and narcotics raid
• 16:00 Married at 16, son born at Fort Bragg, working in a bar at 18 surrounded by GIs and bikers
• 21:00 Pattern of abusive relationships — realizing she was picking partners who confirmed her belief she was unlovable
• 26:00 Grandson Jackson's death in 2017, sister Tanita's stage four cancer and death in October 2019
• 32:00 COVID resentment against AA for going to Zoom, escalating drinking, finally walking into a meeting while still drinking
• 37:00 April 12, 2023 surrender — falls to her knees, begs Higher Power, obsession lifted. Shift from 'Is Higher Power with me' to 'Am I with Higher Power'